The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Taking Jacob

Episode Date: February 4, 2026

Jay loves a history lesson in his favorite songs and starts a sing-a-long with an Iron Maiden tune. He wants to "take" Jacob to an Iron Maiden concert. By "take" he means a special date that boarders on being romantic. | Comic TJ Miller cancels on the Bonfire and no one wants to take responsibility for the reasoning. | Bobby absolutely hates dance and Jay tries to change his mind by explaining West Side Story. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Holy Moses on the mountain. I'm J.C. all the way, baby. High above the golden calf. What did he go to get, Jacob? He went to get the Ten Commandments. Come on, Jacob, do it. You do it. He's going to break him in half.

Damn, go, go, go, gaggle, go, damn. You fucking sucks. This sucks. He's going to break him in half. I never knew. I actually liked the song until now I know. It's a great song. It's sucks.

Are you sitting in high places? Ray has got to fall on you. Hey. Really sing about anything, can't you? Spoke to know. Do we have to? No, we don't. Come on.

Shut it off. It's fucking bumming me out. I like a lesson in my music. I know. I don't want to interpret. Put on some run to the hills, dude. Run the hills. White man came across the sea to bring us pain in misery.

You're going to get Jacob all whipped up now because of the cowboys and the Comanchee. He does. Jacob hates an American Indian. He does. He thinks they took our land. Yeah, he's like John Wayne. I got to say, probably my least favorite Iron Maiden song.

Shut up. Jacob, sing the song right now. Give me an American history lesson. Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow. Woo, woo, woo, now. Woo, woo, woo, woo, wow. Now. Wow, wow, wow.

Now. Squeep, squib, squeam. Now. Now. Brought us pain and misery. We fought them hard. Run fire. You started too high.

That's how you do it, Jacob. Jacob, that's how you do it. You got to want it, dude. That is great. You got a good job. I did ask you a couple of months ago if you wanted to see Maiden. Oh, for sure. but and then I don't remember when the show's coming

but it's coming up. Oh, it's down the road. No, no, no, it's down. It's in Jersey and Harris. Jacob's energy. Megadeth. Going from what we just did and then right to Jacob's energy,

it's like the, remember those big buoys that jaws pulled down to the bottom of the ocean? You can't take three. It's like when a child walks in holding a teddy bear to an orgy. That's what it feels like.

Everyone's having a ball and someone notices a baby. They're going like, guys, are my parents here? And you go, oh, fuck. Who brought this kid? It's nuts. It's dramatic. It's shocking.

I was so alive just a second ago, Jacob. I thought you were going to put a fucking chair through a window in here. That's your favorite group. Then he just went like this. I party. He goes, Iron Maiden's coming around shortly. We may have missed it. No, I know we didn't miss it.

I didn't remember the date, but I think it's the summer sometime. Have you ever just let loose, Jacob? Have you ever just like at home gone nuts? Yes, a lot you don't know about me, Bobby. there's on-air Jacob and then there's private Jacob. I kind of know people in anthrax. Don't you think Private Jacob would be awesome on air? Who?

I can't do both. Wow, Jacob? What are you talking about? Yes, you can. No, you can. Get on this desk. Cockslap Bobby. Live, dude.

Oh, wait. I'm a good. Stop. What? Did you say cox lap Bobby? Yeah. No, no, no, no. That would be cock-slapped me.

Okay, great. Jesus Christ. No, now I want it. Now you don't get cox-slapped. No, I'm sorry. I was giving you. the cock slap and then you were like oh i got i'm sorry it's well now you have to do the next one all right fine first cock slaps me jacob if you would

slap me no it's when you slap my face with your cock you don't even know cock slap is oh my god oh my god i can't it's a sports illustrator stadium yeah and i know crazy i kind to know anthrax guys i kind to know them i don't know if that's a good hookup enough but sort of i bet you josh knows him want you add josh to the mix to get it going he does Yeah, I know. I can get a ticket. How much money do you make a year? I haven't had Joshed in a long time.

I'm kind of craving it. Come get some Josh this weekend, up in Nyak. I'm kind of craving it. Yeah. A little Joshed. You can get a little Josh this weekend, dude. He's going to be hosting for me. Ooh, I do a little guest spot.

It'll bring me up wrong. Absolutely he'll bring you up wrong. And late. What's good to do? Bout and bot and bot you. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, you. It's... Bop-em-bop-p-p-p-p-you.

Bop-b-b-b-b-b-you. I tell you she released another clip where he's giving the... telling the drummer when to do the hits. When I'm doing this, you need to do, boom. You need to do this. Where is that? Let me see it. It's great.

It's on YouTube. It's when he's doing this like, dang-gang-gang-gang. She's not timing the hit. It's got to be a crash when he lands. How do you think it ends for this guy? For Cory Feldman? Yeah. Does it just fade away, get old?

Drugs, probably, like a surprise drug thing. Yeah. Possibly suicide? I don't think so, though. You don't think full recovery's in the mix, become a normal person. No, he's too far wrong. He says sorry to you.

He just doesn't even apologize to me for. Well, he just says, sorry you know hey man i i i knew you were just joking i know comedy i'm sorry we're not joking we're dead serious about that music it's that's true it's christ almighty awful but it's uh you know but yeah no i have no personal issue of cori i find him wildly fascinating i love him he's so fascinated i love him more after the doc i wouldn't we want to tour with him but he's just why because he's gonna be in a hot bus dude because we're tired and hot on a bus dude a friend of the show Katie is a crazy fan she's been sending me.

He's at the NAM convention, and he's just like in a booth. What's a NAM convention? Hey, Katie. 800 pound gorilla. Yes, but it's all the instruments. Every musical brand shows off everything they have, guitars, drums, everything they've got is all at the NAM convention. Wait, didn't Katie get us T.J. Miller today? I thought.

What happened? You must be walking in anytime soon. What happened? I love T.J. Where is he coming in? He's coming in today, right? Nice. His timing was incredible.

I love T.J. Is he coming in? T.J.'s come in today, right? Yeah, he'll be here. That's set up on a hit a pound gorilla? Isn't it on the list? When's he coming. Look at Jacob's voice cracked.

What's he coming? When it's time to change. I don't know. Christine? Why are you throwing it over there? We're looking right of you. You're the other producer of the show. I believe he's not coming into this.

Wow. What happened? True, man. He had to cancel. He had to cancel. He had to resorts. He canceled today? Yeah, he rescheduled.

Why? He canceled on his last minute today. T.J. Miller did that? Yes. No. For what? What was the reason? I don't know the reason.

You know the reason? You know that to T.J. Miller? What's the reason? I didn't get a reason. You just got what canceling? He hit. Today. Yesterday.

Mm-hmm. Oh, yesterday. Last night. Oh. That's weird. It is weird. And they didn't tell you, they said it has to cancel. I was on the email with Christine.

Why do you keep bringing her name up? Because I don't. I wasn't. I didn't start it. Well, we're talking to your face. Right. Apparently, he was booked, and then he didn't, but then he can't do it. I bet you like to sing Run to the Hills now, wouldn't you?

Yes. I'll bet you hit that note now, won't you? You got to ask Jacob things he doesn't want to answer? I don't know what the big thing. He canceled. But when did he cancel? Yesterday. For what?

Wasn't it? Well, I think that's when we found out. Sure. We found out yesterday. But did he cancel yesterday? Why is Black Lou shaking his head? I think what happened, Lou,

am I supposed to say something or not? I think he, maybe he forgot that he couldn't make it, so she said he couldn't make it. You really crumble under pressure, don't you? Is that what happened or not? Is that wrong? I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I'm asking the person that was on the email, and he's kind of evading the question. I didn't even start this email. He's evading. Were you on the email? The cancellation email I was on.

You aren't on the original email. No. Who was on that? If I say it's Christine, you're going to say me? Why am I voting? No, I'm not. Go ahead. Why would you fucking pass the buck every time?

Got canceled yesterday? Damn. Wow. I love it. There is a miscommunication. What was that? He thought he was on Stern? He canceled a while ago, but we didn't get the message.

No. Why don't we get the message? Why don't we get the message? It was honestly like I thought, you know, You know, somebody thought he was going to reach out directly. He didn't. We didn't know. It doesn't make sense of all this for me.

That's the story. Just in general. Just say white people. Crazy-ass white people. Crazy-ass white folks. Thank you. That's all I need. Crazy-ass white folks.

I'll take you to Iron Maid, Jacob. I like calling it taking you. Even though we're both adults. You know we're both adult males? It's like P-D-D buying 50-cent clothes. Yeah. I want to be taken to Iron Maid. I'm going to take you there.

Take that. I'll get you something nice too while you're there. You're going to buy some swag? I'll buy you some swag if you like. I want to fucking dress you up and fits. I never bought a concert t-shirt at the show. You're not going to buy one here either. I'm buying them for you because I'm taking you to this concert.

But you have to take your other t-shirt and wrap it around your waist and put the new one on. For the record, we could all go to the concert. I'm just taking Jacob. But we go. We can all go. But Jacob's being taken by me. Does he have to sit next to you? Yes.

Nice. About correction, I bought a Corey Feldman t-shirt. And people are also, by the way, you guys are going to be upset being like, Jesus Christ, I thought we were all going to hang out together, and Jay and Jacob are like just off in their own little world doing their own little thing because I took him. Yeah. You understand.

I am fine with that. It's a different energy. Yeah, I've gone to a concert with you and Josh, and somehow I... Right. He was... I take him. He was taken by you. Yeah.

Because somehow he winds up next to you. No, no. We all go to the concert, but I go with him. By the way, at all costs, he'll leave Fanoia up in the rafters if he's getting close to me. It really, you really did. You don't mind, do you? You don't care that I left Mike Fanoi upstairs.

Look at this guy's got iron made in the brain now. Now I do. You're all working up. What's your favorite song? Probably, it always comes between two songs because I want to drum the one of them, where eagles dare, and the rhyme of the ancient mariner. You like the second one because you like to say it

Yeah those are deep cuts What's the last one? I'm like the trooper number of the beasts dude It's a poem Oh Jesus It's a good song This is like a 12 minute song It's a good song

Well seven minutes of it is It's five that about filler I'd say Little filler There's no filler in this song The ancient marriage Jacob drum it dude is your dream Let's hear him sing Go

This is one of the one I guess Sing it to the mic. I can't do. He's an operatic voice. You do it better. He did. I did it, but I tried. I don't know how to sing.

And the mariner tells his tale. Yeah, there you go. There you go. Come on, go. Jacob, you could sing the song or I could just ask you more about your sex life. If you want me to keep guessing, you know, awkward shit. Jacob, how big is your penis?

Have you ever tried to suck it? Are your balls tight or they hang low? How do you jerk off? Show me with your hands or sing the song. There's a little break here A lot of breaks Skip ahead, five minutes But my dream is to be able to drum

Where Eagles Dare But it's probably one of the most difficult songs It's one that's like a drummer's Gold drum song A little fill right here This is the best part Right here is my favorite part Let's hear it loud

No no no this is the guitar No I know do the guitar Gagga Giaia You. Third one. Fourth one. Bannanana.

Bannan-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-a-bum-bump-pum-you. It's just all bass here. That's the best. Yeah. What are you doing? You fingering a baby you're holding? Steve Harris. I'm doing Steve Harris bass guitar.

Unless you're holding a baby, unless you're playing with their pussy. Yeah, why's your bass so far out? It should be up here. Base is like up here. I hold it where Steve Harrison. What are you, Paul McCartney? Steve Harris pointed it. like a gun. That's his signature move. I love it.

The whole time? No. He chooses his moments. He puts his one leg on the amp, on the monitor, and he machine guns the audience with his base. I've never seen that at a rock concert. He also... That's his signature. He also still has poodle hair. He will not change with the times.

I got a picture with him here. Poodle hair. He's poodle hair still. He won't get rid of the 80s hair. I think Jacob should get poodle hair when he gets his hair weave. Jacob, when you get your weave, you should get poodle hair. Yeah, you should get poodle hair. Then I can do it. Before we walk and getting you all the surgery, why just let us get you a full on hair weave

and we'll see how you look with it. No, I want the surgery. No, obviously we get surgery, but first, just to test things out. Let's get you a full weave. I don't need to test. I'm ready to jump in. Maybe a lace front wig? I'm watching a lot of baddies.

The baddies make up their own words, by the way. I've heard some good ones. We took some notes, I thought, at one point. What does the girl say when she's getting mad at one point? She says, like, uh... Pro. She goes, when you bring it up that, you bringing up a whole prolifia of things.

He's trying to say plethora, for sure. You know, you bringing up a whole parithia of things. Can I just say something? I don't mind it. See, that's on YouTube, Tommy Lee. I might add that to my lexicon. Prolifia. You're all being proliferant.

And by the way, no one ever stops another person in mid-argument, firing each other, the easiest shoot-down. They'd be like, well, you just say it isn't a real word. They never do that. They just believe it is a word. Because it does make sense Yeah You're chancathulous

What bitch? Say it again I can't I don't remember what I said the first time It was just noises These guys keep that 80s hair Look at him Machine gunning with his bass That's where you live for

For Steve Harris to do that man That's like the highlight You've never been to a concert Iron Maiden? No, I've been to three Iron Maiden Conchons? You went by yourself

or with people? No, my friends. Were you ever taken? No, it wasn't taken. This would be my first taken to a show. I'm going to take you? Nobody's ever taken me to a show.

You're sitting in a passenger so out with me on the whole drive? Why don't you just put him on your lap? No, no, no. That's dangerous. But I will let him know. I'll put my hand on his leg while while I'm driving now.

And every once in a while, like, while like, Christine and you guys are all in the back like talking once in a while I'll look over I'm just giving a little wink I don't know are you going to sit on the back of your truck with him on the put the truck bag down what we're tailgating I'd say 80% in the show I'm gonna be behind him with my hands in his front pockets uh reaching around him and just kind of like like I'll be stroking his like dick hair through the lining of the pockets through his quinces his queens pocket hand what I want to do back pocket no no you should definitely you should definitely be you should definitely be cupping my supple ass but me I'm going in for the front on you buddy I'm gonna you worked up you're gonna be half hard most of the show I'm gonna be half hard from I'm gonna do something from my hands your pockets and I'm gonna push back like I'm gonna push

back so it makes your weiner like start to like jostle I'm getting hard now I'm half hard right now I know it's gonna be great well you'll be right there because you're going to the concert I'm going I'm not taking you yeah taking Jacob no I don't want to be taken you'd like to be taken I'd like to be why I'd like to watch someone be taken that's my thing yeah I don't like to be taken I like to watch people being taken It seems nice, right? You're going to see Jacob's face. You know, he's being a princess for a day.

See his little button sticking out in the front? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm going to get him worked up almost the entire show. He's going to be hard most of the show. Right. What about when we take a little food break?

What are you going to do? You just take him away? No, I'm going to, no, no, we're all go together, but I'm going to keep like, I'm going to do a lot of things right. My arms around him the whole time. And then I'm going to say stuff to you guys and then turn into his ear and say things you guys don't get to hear at all. You're going to whisper?

It'll be so frustrating for all of you. Whispering is so rude, though. I know, but I'm going to be like, it doesn't matter. I took Jacob here. You guys are here. What are you going to whisper in his ear? You don't worry about it. Well, give me a little taste.

Let me take you somewhere sometime. I don't want to be taken. You don't want to be taken. I don't want to be taken. And you don't hear the secrets. I like to watch people being taken. Yeah, but the person watching someone being taken doesn't get the secrets. You're also just watching the secrets happen.

Right. So if I want the secrets, I'm going to be taken. You have to let me take you somewhere. And then I've to take you somewhere where I'll take you somewhere where I'll other people that we know are going so we can shift off and just be like just gabby little bitches. You're gonna go to the bathroom together? We'll go to the bathroom together.

Okay. And we'll, but when we go in though, we won't. That's when we just split ways, but when we come back out, we actually have been waiting for each other the whole time. So one's gonna wait for the other one? Yeah, and then the other one goes in. Okay.

It's trying to act like we're a gay couple. But you're not? I mean, it's definitely a gay couple we're going as, but it's just want people to know. At the core of it, it's not. I'm just taking Jacob. It's not gay. It's taken, which is a different thing. Yeah.

Yeah, it's not gay. No, it's just for the night. Listen, I'm also not crossing over. I'm not going to behave like that at work with him. But when we go out that night, I'm going to test the waters. I'm going to give him some, like, back of the neck kisses and see if he, like, moves or if he, you know, he might give me a little, like, the shoulder shrug. Like, I don't like that. And then I'll know where I stand.

And then maybe he could buy the rest of his own fucking waters. I wish you could try, like, show us some of the taking right now. How I would take him? Yeah. Just like a little taste of it to see how it, how we were. reacts. Now we'd watch the show. Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to show you here. Jacob, if you don't mind, I guess. Jay's going to walk over to Jacob and show us. Well, Jacob should come over here. Can we play some music, though, in the studio? A little Iron Maiden. What should I be doing?

You can come over here. I'll position you. Don't you have to worry about it. You're taken. We're at the concert. We're at the concert. We're facing the concert here. Yeah.

I'm putting my hand out to you so you can get across the aisle. Some people aren't letting you through. I go, excuse me, guys. I took him here, and I'll get you across the aisle. I'll go, come on, guys. over here you where the hell you've been and then we're gonna watch and I'm like god people say they're not romantic but they really are and then I'm going hands in his front pockets and then I'm like pushing back I'm making his dick jostle around because I'm pushing back on his upper thigh

and it's making his dick go like this a little bit in his pants he seems a little uncomfortable right now his face is weird no he's loving it well whisper something pull that thing back in and by the way before I'd neck kiss him I do awkward movements where I just do this like I completely push his head over I can make a vampire and they just suck on it I can't wait to watch this I got me going right there absolutely it did dude you've never been taken to a show

I've never been taken it feels nice to be taken to a show doesn't it Jacob it didn't not feel nice you felt safe right I felt safe for sure do you think you're going to enjoy the concert more now that you're taken

at the show I don't be there but you don't worry about anything at the show when you're just just there and you go to the show, you're kind of on your own, and you kind of have to look around, you're by yourself, but you're going to be, sit down. No, you're going to be, I'm enjoying, no, I'm all yours. That's what I'm saying, like, Bobby might look over at some point, and DJ Lou is, like, doing something else. Black Lou is completely disengaged. I have my man there.

To defend me. Yeah. But now, exactly, like, you'll be like, God damn, it's like, Jay and Jacob, I haven't stopped, like, talking, and they're, and they're looking at each other, and they're singing the words and air guitaring together, like, they're a really annoying couple. And then I'll correct people. I go, we're in a call. We're in a couple. I just took him. He's taken. I just took him here. Now, let me ask, when he kisses your neck,

are you going to close your eyes? You're going to keep them open? I'm not sure. Is that a game time call? He does the whole vampire. I really aggressively push his head down on his own shoulder and then suck on his neck like a fucking corn cob. I leave a lot of wet, too. I leave a lot of wet.

He's going to leave it? Yeah, he's going to have to do this afterwards. Wipe it off. And then I'm going to go, you don't like it? And he's going to go, No, no, no, I wasn't expecting it. It's going to make my fucking, it's making my clone come off. We'll go over DJ Lou is just going to be gone.

I can't take the taken. I took Lou. I took Lou to a concert before. You were taken? Yeah, none of that happens. Wow. Yeah, well, Lou's a little frigid. I didn't know how to play the game.

He wasn't receptive. Every time I put my hands on his pocket, he'd go, hey, man. I go, I took you. I go, I took you here. That's where I realized, the guys are fucking, What do you call? He's a blue baller. That's what he does.

This guy allowed me to take him knowing he wasn't going to put out. You know he's a blue ball. Everybody in Jersey, all gay's in Jersey, know that Lou's a blue ball. How did I not know that this guy will fucking take you right to the edge and then fucking flat leave you, dude? Just bye. Those two gay guys didn't even jerk off, or they didn't even fuck that night. They jerked off individually. I'm such a tease.

You are. You are. Cocktees, dude. Nuts. How you got to, if you, if you, if you take Lou, though, how'd you get his big booty close to you? Do you have to arch your stomach into it, like, form to his body? We were in the pit. Oh, in the pit.

Yeah, we were in the pit. So we had a wide berth. And I'm telling you, Lou is not feeling my sexual advances. In fact, he didn't even feel any of them happen. He just sat there enjoying the music. I did tell you I loved you once, though. He did say he loved me once. And that's why I thought I was thinking.

I started tilting my head to the side, moving in, and then he just turned around. So you misread it? I misread it completely. He goes, hey, I love you. I go, oh, my God, this is it. And then I closed my eyes. And then I closed my eyes. And it was fucking like a blink of an eye.

He was already, he was like getting a soda or something. I don't know what the fuck happened. What a tease. What a fucking bullshit. You can't say I love you to somebody. When you were taken. Oh my God. He says, I love you.

Fucking, uh, some stupid Pearl James song was playing. It was the perfect moment. And I looked at over at Lou and I was like, he goes, I love you. And I went, oh my God. This is it. This is what you got. And then I was like, at one point I was kind of like, I moved in really. far to not feel another mouth yet and I

looked up and Lou wasn't there. That sucks. He said he went to the bathroom but I saw him on a different part of the pit chump jamming the music still. He ditched me. Motherfucker ditched me because I try to kiss him after I take him to a concert. I took you. Those are the best seats I've ever

had so I certainly would have let you do it whatever you wanted. Thank you. Well you didn't make a seem that night. I didn't know the protocol. You could have been a little more open. You could have bloomed for me more. I hate that. God, do I hate that word? You could have presented a little bit when you know I was throwing at it.

You saw me tilt my head for that long French. Christine, have you ever been taken to the concert? I've been taken to many concerts by Jay. Huh? Nice. Not like this. No. I mean, I pay.

Well, I've been together a long time. I pay, so it's like, I pay, but like, she just goes. She's a goer? She's a goer. She's never been taken? Nah. Maybe a long time ago I took her to a concert. it now she goes do you ever enwrapped christine in your arms at a show never no no never i think i think i

i think me i did it with don i feel like i'm constantly hanging on jay all the time so maybe you don't but i think at the stones at one point you guys were she was in front of you because i remember dawn got in front of me and it was a direct result like all right they're doing it we should do it There's no way that happened. No? I was wrapped up at Josh and his disputes with his people on his left the whole time. Oh, yeah. This is flossing.

Oh, it's fucking gross. I hate thinking about it. Well, it occupies me during a concert, you see. Well, if you're not taking anybody, what are you going to do? I'm not taking anyone anyway. I'm going to fucking sit there. Josh takes me. I have to be privy to all his dumb shit.

I haven't taken Christine to a concert a long time. But we go to a lot of concerts. What concert would you take? me do. Hmm. God, I love an aerospace reunion. That would get you so worked up. Kelly Clarkson would get me nuts.

Yeah, but you're giving too much to Kelly Clarkson. You're right. I'd be too wet. And then I'm getting, like, what I'm getting is the spillover of like, she's working you up, so you're accepting me. Can't do that. But if I take you, I need you to know that you're there with me. I'm going to be taken.

You have to be taken. Right. Taken at that show, you just have him at Kelly Clarkson. No, I know, but I'm getting, he's seeing, he opens his eyes. He's seeing Kelly Clark. I'm Kelly Clarkson that night. I'm not being no one's fucking substitute, Kelly Clarkson. Yeah, I might push his hands away at one point

because I think Kelly's looking at me. I don't want Kelly to see me being taken. Yeah, what if she looks down and she sees my hands in Bobby's pockets pushing back on his upper thighs so his dick goes up and down the way I like to do? You know my move, Jacob? I sure do.

Jacob, you're familiar with my move? Oh, yeah, dude. Being taken sounds fun. it's probably very nice. Have I been taken somewhere? Where was I taken ever? Craig Gass used to take me to things. Oh, you were taken by Craig Gass?

Oh, Craig Gass took me to things. Yeah? I just skirt around with him wherever he went. He's like, hey, you want to leave watching your favorite band and go meet the light rig guys for the band that was on earlier? And I go, yes. I do want to do that. I do want to do that.

No, he's got a lot of stories you don't care about. Or you could sit and watch system of it down. I know they're on the verge of breaking up But this guy's a good dude And technically he's the guy who got us the past What a taxing dude that guy is Did you see Van Halen with him? No

Never saw Van Halen? No, no I saw Van Halen dressed like a woman Up at Mohegan Sun We were filming Z-Rock And the last scene we filmed I was wearing a girl's golf outfit From the golf store there

As a part of the joke of the thing and then they were like, yo, they got four more songs left. So if you guys want to go, because we're done filming finally, and they go, if you want to go, go now.

And I ran in there. In a girls' golf outfit. Yeah. And, I mean, Dave Lee Roth was bald. Everyone looked wrong. Everyone was wrong that night. They were,

it wasn't as exciting as I was hoping it was going to be because it was just, again, it's the moment my first time seeing Guns and Roses. I had to get that thing out first. that I'm like, it's not going to be

Axel Rose running around the stage fucking Welcome to the jungle, Paradise City, it's just not that anymore so once you get past that though, you're like, dude, I'm seeing Guns and Rose Live, but it's awesome. Yeah. Do you know what I'm saying? I'd be like seeing it when Led Zeppelin got back together for a minute.

Yeah. You had that expectation and then you realized, oh, this is Robert Plant. They can't do it anymore. In Led Zeppelin. Yeah. His... Dave lost his voice decades ago.

Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah. I think so. Dave? Yeah. Yeah, he can't sing the way he used to sing. No, not like that, I guess.

But I mean, Sammy Hagar can't sing like he sang, but he still sings pretty good. Sammy sings better than David. Oh, for sure he does. He keeps going, though. He never stops performing. He's like the house band that his stupid Mexican result. What is it called? Cabo Wobo Wabo.

Yeah. I don't know. The Cabo Wabo Lyshtail is not seem to loying to me. He loves it. He's so happy. He's so happy, but it's so not my thing. Get your toes in the beach. wears shells around your neck.

Yeah, it sucks. I'm 70. Yeah, it looks like he still wears wraparound shades in the back of his neck when he performs. He's awful. He's almost 80. Huh? He's almost 80.

He's still got a set of pipes. Is he almost 80? Yeah, he can still sing. Yes, I think he's 79 now. Don't curse him. Didn't curse at me at all. Stop cursing at me, Jake. Yeah, you want to be taken?

You know, you stop cursing. This is no way to get taken somewhere. 78. Wow. Oh, shit. That's old as fuck. He was born in 47. 10 years older.

That's like that's two years after the World War II was over. He looks like the third screen in the middle. He looks at the third screen of the American Werewolf in London transformation. Like the third time they went back to him. Like some of the face hairs coming in. Oh, dude. The origin of Cabo Wabo Wabo. I know it.

Drunk millionaire wants to not pay taxes. I was always David Lee Roth Van Halen first, but he's so likable. You just want to hang out with Sammy. He has such good stories Everyone loves him I saw them live I saw Sammy live They were actually pretty good

Yeah Yeah right when they They got together I saw them up in Rochester Oh when they first got together Yeah they were good Oh so you saw a young Eddie Van Haler I saw you I was literally front row

Front row General admission at the Red Wing Stadium Like the AAA baseball team up there I just ran up front Got up front Eddie was right there You went by yourself I went with this other dude

but he... Did he take you? I think I was taken, but then I didn't want to be taken, and I ran up front. That's bad. Party foul, Bobby. Yeah, but I was going to be up front. God forbid.

Yo, watch at this Iron Main concert. Watch Jacob try to run forward away from me. There's no way, dude. I wouldn't allow it. Well, it was general admission. I don't give a shit. You're my shadow, dude. I took you.

Here's the thing, though. Don't get him drunk. This guy got me drunk before. the concert. I was drunk, I was 15, and once you get me drunk, I can't be taken. Well, he was trying to molest you, it sounds like. No, he was my age. He was trying to take you. He was trying to take me. He was my age. He was maybe two years old. You saw that 50-150 to me. Yeah. That's great. I got so drunk and I was up in the front and it became so crushing. Like people were crushing behind me. I panicked. I got a migraine headache and I had to slide

out the side and go sit in the bleachers by myself. Just holding my head. Do it right now, dude. It was amazing, though. He was right there. He looked right at me. No, he didn't. Here he did.

He went there. He went like this, Bob? Oh, dude. I saw Sean and I when I was young. They let me come on stage and snap with them. No way. No. They got to go,

Who put the Bob and the Bob and the Bob to Bab. I put the Bob and Bob, Bang, Bang. I just watched Sean. Bowser was just a fucking nerd. Bowser's so ugly always. And then the poor guy thought that his like signatures he had to go, like open his mouth real big and make some weird face. It's awful.

They had their own show. He would flex his bicep like this. And I remember, looking back now, he had no arm. He's bony. He was bony. But when you're a kid back then before, you know, Arnold came into the world, you thought that was muscles. Well, they had their own show

and I watched a couple of their episodes and that's when TV was the fucking expectations of TV was solo. I mean, it just sucked. It's also just the idea that back to the concept of like a musical about gangs.

It never makes sense. You know what I mean? Like anything where it's like the grease or whatever, like those are the badass dudes. Those are the guys who have switchblades and have rumble fights, but also once in a while

just sing and dance together. Yeah. Once you had the gay to it, it takes all the other part. I mean, so much. He goes, dude, what happens? Did you get any pussy this summer? He goes, let's go sing on the bleachers about it.

Shoot pop, pop, shoot pop, bing, bap, bing. Yeah. Hey, do you any poise this weekend? Guys, give me a little snap, four-four time, please. Woo! I met a girl! Yeah, grease. Did the girl have big old tities?

Did the girl have big old tities? Did the girl have big old tities? Big old tities. Come to bamba to bumb to bong the big old tities, yeah. Oh, oh. And only one guy could always sing. Let's go up there. Someone goes, I'm going to stop these fucking guys

are always singing downstairs and you get downstairs and they beat the shit out of you because they're a doo-wop gang. It's two worlds that shouldn't collide so much. I don't want my fucking rough and tumble singing and dancing so much. They're already hurt by the jets. The jets and the sharks. Don't forget the T-birds. I know.

But the West Side. story guys particularly that first one when they're all just walking through the streets and gathering each other and the neighborhoods looking at them like oh fuck here it goes with the gangs and like the moves they're doing they're going like yeah like they're all like throwing their legs up in the air when you're a jet i think no it's not that song it's the very first thing when they're just coming out and they're all snapping and then more of them join up and then they start snap could you imagine though being like the neighborhoods being terrorized by these dancing whites not the fucking new west side store get the shit out of here the fuck are you showing me

We're not gay This is why I don't take her nowhere We like the original This is why Christine doesn't get taken anywhere It's this behavior I love it too That the Spanish guys Are just Italian guys

With like brown makeup on their face Not one Spanish guy In that movie No way dude You don't let fucking Spanish act this time Watch the credits It's Antonio Vinnie Oh yeah

This is Al Jolson times All your black people are white guys wearing red lipstick I do say I do say I'm black What was that? Who knows, man? I don't know anymore This building's gonna crumble

I know We did the show yesterday from home That was great until we were done Why? I don't know as you were wearing tights I forgot I was wearing tights That's not on a video anywhere, is it? I saw it

Yeah, but it's nowhere like circulating I'm wearing tights right now Did you record that? I did with my phone. I sent to chicks. You said I had the same ass as you, too, which I disagree. We do have terrible asses.

I don't think we have terrible asses. We just don't have, we have small asses, but I don't think my ass is as small as your ass. I don't know. I would do an ass off right now. You wearing tights? No, but I'll take it out. I'm wearing tights.

I would rate your asses. Thank you, Jacob. Wait, me. I mean, if you want, I'll be a judge. I'll do it right now. You want to do an ass off? Oh. I don't want somebody to get up.

Yes, please turn this up. I feel like Jay's avoiding it. No, I'll do an ass thing with you, but let's do the thing. I'm wearing tights though. You're gonna see my ass in tights. You're not gonna take it out? No, I mean, I will if you wanna see my ass that bad. Beg for it.

I wanna see your ass so bad. Jay, please show me your ass. Beg me to show it. Jay. Make me feel wanted, dude. Jay, I wanna see you a fucking tight ass. This is my favorite. Now right away you go, there's a gang, but when they start snapping, you go, I don't

I don't know. I guess it's not that dangerous. Jesus Christ. They have the white. Yes. And then a ball goes over for someone, one of their balls goes over to the guy. And he's afraid of them. He goes, hey, snapping quiffs. Would you mind giving my ball back?

What are you going to do about it, mister? That would fright me if I just saw a bunch of white guys snapping in a park. This is the absolute best. But here's where it's not scary quick. They're little, the pirouettes. It gets not scary so fast. Everyone's looking at him with the respect. Look at the kid way in the back climbing up.

Oh, they're going to, are they going to do something? to this girl, they're going to take her? No, no. Oh, they just walk by. They're not hoodlums. They're talented dancers and gymnasts. You know this is old because there's white guys playing basketball. Only white guys.

And they still have the nets. And khakis. Oh, my God. Could you imagine if your ball got stolen by guys dancing with your basketball? They stole a basketball and then did a routine with it. Yes. I'd go, keep it, guys. I don't want AIDS.

This was the 60s. Are these actors all closeted? Yes. Don't say that. Two of them were in Twin Peaks. Wait a minute. What was that move right there at the end? No, it's going to get so much worse.

Right. Hey, guys. You ready to go show the neighborhood if we don't play games? Right here, the guy on the end. Yeah. Wait, wait a minute. They all start doing that. Why?

Why? I think it's part of a pot-a-er-er-ret. But what does that do? What does that do? Is that how you take turns? You can only cross the street unless you do that? Yeah, they're still looking both ways before they dance across the street.

Could you imagine this? This is what's going on there. He goes, oh, God, these guys are coming through again. Get in the house. Hide your wallets. Someone should remake this, and then a real gang beats the shit out of them right here. That's what should happen right there.

Someone should have an AI, the Jets getting beat up by a gang of three anything else but white dancers. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. He goes, we are in New York to dance now. Is it just one Puerto Rican? And the rest of us white dancers?

Is it? Puerto Rican. First of all, if you are white dancers in New York and the Puerto Rican started moving in, you should be threatened. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Puerto Rican dancers are going to beat your white dancers. If this is only about the dance... Oh, he clenched his fist, that's terrifying.

I know. Remember back when whites could scare Puerto Ricans? Yeah. It's Louis's dad. Also get stabbed in the movie. That's... Lewis's dad was a dancing. Lewis's dad was killed dancing. I'm going to tell Lewis I go, dude, I found out, your dad didn't die in front of a thing.

He was stabbed in a knife fight in West Side Story. Yeah, your mom was dating a white guy. Your dad, Bernardo. Just the black face makeup in this is hilarious. It's brown face. It's brown. You're racist now for saying that. Same idea.

Wow. It's so funny, they had to do their arms and their necks too. That guy's got fetal alcohol syndrome on the left. I'll tell you what, it doesn't stop him from dancing. Look at this. It goes, I'm so angry. It's too many white people. We do to dance now.

That's Oh no That's the revenge Oh dancing over their jet sign The street Oh dude that's like when Terrell Owen stood on the fucking cowboy star You don't fuck around with that Oh

And then the other New Yorkers are going like Ah their dancing's a little ethnic for me I'd rather have the white dancer gangs They should redo the wire with this Dancing wire The wire and Omar just comes down Just different day that Da-da-da-da-da-a-

Okay everything's cool By the way, they just intimidated him. Now it's like the change of power. Well, there's three to two now. There's three to two. Yeah, but they didn't know that the other ones were there. Now there's so many. Oh, no.

More whites. And he took his apple back. Now you guys go and everything's fine. Why? Their hair's all yellow. Because they're white. It's a technicolor. Before they messed up the gene pool.

At the end of this movie, that's what this movie's about. Yeah, we were still getting rid of some of Hitler's work. Yeah. They scared them off by going, Cha! Cha! That's why Hitler wanted to take over America because we already did what he was trying to do.

Oh, shit. Oh, but they got rid of them. Now, they're clean up the streets. Hey, we did it. We did it. We did it. There's not one... These kids, these terrifying kids came down

and they were doing ball heel-toe chains. There's not one disappointed dad yelling out the window. Hey, knock it off. What do I tell you about doing pararets in the park, you queen. Oh, my God, dude. Any black person just come take that ball back.

Oh, no. Puerto Ricans can't play ball either. Yeah, he grabbed the ball, he doesn't know what it is. He's like, what? What is this? Is this a watermelon? Is this orange sucker? What is this?

Is this orange sucker bowl? I don't know. He kicked it back. Thanks, huh? Oh, they do their belt on the side. I'm thinking about doing that. Don't. I'm thinking about side belting like an answer.

Do not side belt. I think it's good for my dance. dancing. It seems to work for these guys. It seems like the Puerto Ricans are the originators of leather wrist gear. Well. That's like part of their thing. Yeah.

Yeah. That's how you block knives. Oh. Yeah. Oh, God. These guys might have to dance it out. Oh, no. They could just be friends.

Nope. Fucking pussy. Damn. Oh. Oh, he just shot him with energy. First of all, he hit a 20-yard pinpoint. And then he would have sex. Now he's being taken.

Oh. Oh, there's another one. Stop having sex with this white guy in the park. Oh, he kicked him in the ass. Man, I would fight more if I could do it like this. If it was just shoving and dancing? If it was dance fights? Dance fights.

I'll fight you outside like this tomorrow. It'll keep us warm out there. How did anybody, like, enjoy this? How did any man back in the... Are you kidding? you were hanging out your window and watching all this? You'd be like, this is amazing. What are they doing?

This is a fucking flash mob? Oh, it's gangland warfare. It's beautiful. I would throw iced out my window. Oh, guys, I think time is of the essence. Why don't we just run, run? Oh. Oh, shit.

They went down snapping corridor. Just hopping over each other. Snapping corridor. What? Was that a Chinese guy? What was that? He was being Puerto Rican. But is he Asian?

Oh, they put yellow on them. By the way, it doesn't hold up. The yellow's gone, like next scene, like a cartoon. By the way, pretty funny, though, Puerto Ricans only have yellow paint. What were they doing up their paint in their pants? Come on, Jacob. Let's a good one.

Puerto Rican people wear yellow pants. They have flashy colors. I don't know if you remember how our own DJ Lee used to dress. Remember Puerto Rican's dressed them? They're in the Puerto Rican neighborhood now because all the buildings are rubble. Oh, they're buildings are ruminable. and they're throwing fruit.

Puerto Rican's love selling roadside fruit. Oh, he wrote stinks on the shot. They're writing over. Hey, where do you get a paint brush and a little thing of paint like that so quick? I'll tell you what. It's amazing how many things have unfolded in the five minutes.

I mean, they've been two full-on gang fights, three basketball games, four entire routines. Graffiti. Finished graffiti. Chases. But it's the thing. In the next scene,

the main Puerto Rican girl, just going to be somewhere else is watching what's happening. It's like, where's this guy's omnipresent? Or do you think they all look the same and they're all wearing the same outfits to freak everyone out? Uh-oh. He's running to the schoolyard. I know.

It always culminates. All this Puerto Rican and white fights culminating the basketball court because I guess there's no black people in New York yet. Oh, no. One guy beats him the rest of them and reach for the stars. The twirlies as they go into the safe. Listen to me. Hear me out.

Hear me out, gang. Could the next live performance, we do whatever it is. I don't know what it is. No. No, it's not no. No. You don't even want to try the choreography? No, it's a radio show.

Christine, you should be on Bobby's side. There's no fucking chance you're doing this. Not me. This is a boy fight. I just said the whole thing. It's going to be a choreographed fucking. Yeah, we'll tie your hair up and paint your face. We can paint you brown.

You're ethnic enough. There's a girl in the show that's a bit of a tomboy. I forget the character's name. I thought it was a boy. I love this. There's no word spoken that whole time. Not one piece of dialogue except like, they speak with the art of dance.

Oh, God, do I hate dance? What? I'm sorry. You don't mean that. I don't like dance. What? Luke, can you turn my mic and make me harder. You thought I couldn't hear you?

I hate that. I'm in Nike this weekend. Yeah. Bobby's in. Comedy Works South in Colorado, February 5th of the 7th. Punchup.com. slash Robert Kelly. Yep.

BigJcomedy.com. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire. Bidding, binging, bang, boom.