The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Texting Captain America

Episode Date: March 14, 2023

Bobby texts his friend, actor Chris Evans and Jay wants to lose weight on the Jared Fogle diet!

Hey everybody, I'm Bobby Kelly. And it's Big J. Okerson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just the podcast. Hey, guess what? For full episodes of The Bonfire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash bonfire for a special offer. And now, The Bonfire with Big. Ocerson and Robert Kelly dead This is the bonfire and that is Robert Kelly's best friend and I believe Godfather of Max

Sully Urna and God smack your best friend the world good. He's one of my but he's my Boston best friend. I believe Godfather of Max, Sully Urna and Godsmack. Your best friend in the world, dude. He's one of my, he's my Boston best friend. Boston best friend. That's a good one. He's a good one, man. Yeah. Every rock star, it's exception of John Popper. Every rock star I've become friendly with, I overextend into not being friends with them anymore. We've talked about this, you did this with Chris. Chris Evans. Chris Evans. Terrible. Chris Evans, yeah, I've done it with,

I've been good with the lead singer of corn. We stay in touch because I'm a once twice a year. Sometimes even he'll catch me on a rare occasion. Drummer from corn, actual buddy. No weirdness there. But the lead singer from the band, the war on drugs that I love, showed my ass early, overextended, me and Kid Rock did not hit it off the way

I thought we were going to. I'm on a text, Chris, right now. Evans? Should I? Yeah, why wouldn't you? I'll text him right now. Evans. Should I? Yeah, why wouldn't you? I'll text him right now. He kept an America, don't be a dick. What do I say?

Wait, you know Captain America? They met at comics come home, right? Comics come home, talking to his mom, he was there and wanna hit it off, go out his number, call them too early, call them that night. Texting them that night. And I text them, and I text them. More than just your name,

because that's doable, you can do that. You can just text your name so like, now you have, you know who this is. I wrote, it's good meat. Forgot in. I forgot I got too nervous, I just said. You forgot in and you. Yeah, I forgot you too.

Yeah. It's great meat. All right, I wrote great meat and then I couldn't take it back and never heard from again, and then you can wrote that in you Well, then what's the name? I know why I'm talking like fucking Justin should roll right now Prime Minister of Canada. I'm running out of breath. Um Andrew Schultz Told me what to do. He said, text him right now, fuck you asshole. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then wait 20, waited 20. Text him back, sorry, wrong number, bag. He texted me right back. What is that? Hey, man, how you doing, bro? I got to do it. Where are you? I'm in Atlanta filming end game.

Ooh. Coming back. And that's where you left off. Well, no, I text in him again. All right. Too early. Never heard back. Okay. And I have. But there's some he just in like David Brian. David Brian. David Ryan. David Ryan. It's a buddy now. I mean, dude, he's told me I could stay at his house. He's amazing. It's a weird offer, isn't it? Yeah.

He's not the first Avenger though. He's not the first avenger though he's not the first avenger dude he's not Captain America with Jacob let me tell you we close Captain America means the Jacob the idea that a little guy yeah can get some kind of a medicine and then become a normal size person in good shape yeah who shakes one who shakes what would you take it if we had it if we had the Ironman drag would you take it not I we had it, if we had the Iron Man drug, would you take it? Not an Iron Man Captain America drug. Well, hook me up.

Iron Man's dad made it. What? Iron Man's dad made it. Is that true? Mr. Steady. Yeah. Yeah. Tony Stark's dad made the Captain America drug to make you what you are.

You know, you mentioned, I can't believe you're asking this. You put me in that steel coffin, eject my veins, and I'm going to come out six foot four and ripped. Yeah. Don't forget the penis. I mean, you do this now. Not even six foot four, six two, baby. Okay. Can we do this now? That would suck if you got all that, but not the dick. It was the same size dick. Just a regular guy dick. Do you have a regular guy dick? I'll tell you what, that was a real cut. But I know, you know you're getting that, at enhanced,

the serum works your whole body. Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you a question. You get the serum, you get the body, you get the height, you get the strength, but you don't get the dick. Still do it? What's the downside? I'll bother me with the same dick, or Captain America with the same dick I'm

taking the yeah but it's gonna look smaller it's gonna look smaller on that bigger body like do you think you have a monster cock for your size no I mean but I'm fighting you get to beat like you're not wrong I'm not saying the world that's gotta make up for some you know it's funny It's the the ultimate question if you take dick size out of it a change is so much on Legion of Skanks Just a few weeks ago They said like if you could be any other a grace in the world would you change right now? And I said oh, yeah, I'd go black for sure

Yeah, I go you get to be cooler. I gave five reasons off the head right away Yeah, and then they went But your dick size doesn't change. I would all them know take the entire thing back all those are the reasons I gave Pale if I'm not I'm not gonna get the black dick also. I'm out now I would check that right away the dick change is a big thing. I would do Spanish I would do like a Cuban type of Spanish like something that gets dark Spanish I would do like a Cuban type of Spanish like something that gets dark But not totally too dark, you know, I mean not like a Dominican

I'd be Spanish. Yeah, dude cuz you get to you get to wear all kinds of colorful stuff You do you know you get the Lest you get loud jewelry you get to where Jesus and not go to church Yeah, if you have to sit through it. There's so much familiar shit. Hmm, I love it. But the food, rice, with everything. The food, it gets old quick. Are you kidding me? I was married into Latinas and man, the food's good, but it's a lot of the, it's the same shit over and over.

It's been rice beans. Yeah,'s the same shit over and over. Chicken rice beans. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. I like to bring a little TGI Fridays into their life. Have you guys considered what Jack Daniel sauce might do to all this? I would mind a circumcised, uncircumcised, uh, uh, bayou, little, little snuff of love, just for a good, give her a little extra to do, and shuffle it back. Yeah, a little something extra for you there. Oh Bobby speaking of

Yes, I mean we can just wrap wrap the put a bowl Let's put a bowl You haven't spoken to Chris Evans since end game. I haven't spoken him well since I sent him a text. Where is this venue? Okay, which I don't know what that means anymore. You said it to him. I did I can send him a text now Hey dick face. I'm lost. Where am I going here? How about this? Hey, man. How's it going? Just thinking about you. No, no that tag wasn't good. All right. How about this? Hey, man looking good All right, how about this? Hey, man, looking good. Should we go I think it'd be funny if you go over familiar like Chrissy boy, so like that. How about this? Chrissy B.O.I. Hey, Chrissy boy. Hey, Chrissy boy. Hey, Chrissy boy. Why weren't you at the Oscars last night, man? You deserve it

No, we get a good Oscar thing though. I thought you were gonna come to the Oscars and slap who? Who'd have been funny if he slapped in his dumb face? Who's the oldest person who was up there last night? Harrison Ford. Harrison Ford is crack-tarrison Ford in the fucking mouth. Hey, Han Solo. That's for that's for not protecting Leah from your son. Hey, hey, how about this? What type of boxes do you wear, dude? Oh, how about it? What? No, what's what? What's your underwear? I do like it out of the blue, I like it out of the blue question. Yeah. What we got? How about this? What's your ring size?

They'll make it such a ridiculous thing. Like, dude, settle debate for me. Who sings? Who does stairway to heaven? Like the obvious answer. Dude, solve a, solve a debate for me. Who sings? I want to hold your hand. Beatles are the stones, right? How about I put something in that vein, something like, um, Hey, dude, you, dude, you, you like a boba, right? Question mark, question mark. Chris, you had crabs before you. Chris, you've had the clap before you. What's your exact same? Hey where are you at right now? I was just like doing something Boston. Yeah.

What's the bet? Where can I get the best crab cakes or something? That's Maryland. That's Maryland. That's not Boston. What can you do? What can you do? Yeah, where's the book?

He lives in Boston. No, he lives in Hollywood. He lives in Hollywood. His family's from Boston. But he's from, yeah, he's a guy from Boston. Yeah. Originally, he can't be some Boston shit. How about something simple? How you doing, man?

No. Without that weird tone, I just gave him. No. I'm trying to see how he would read it. You don't know what I mean? Ask one of his layers, question, hey, what would you charge for a day-rate acting for a little thing? I'm doing how was this? Hey, man crazy What happened to Jared huh?

That's some way doc was nuts Do you watch that some way doc highly recommend? Yeah, why would you recommend that to me? Hey kids are cute But not good enough to fuck recommend that to me. Hey kids are cute but not cute enough to fuck. Hey how about this how about this hey dude just thinking how you hey can you settle this debate do you think my wife's tits bigger than my her her left tits bigger than her right tits and then send her a picture of some tits. Oh no here's what you do send a picture of your dick and right rate one through ten question mark. How about we just ask him, hey, did Captain America when he took the juice, did you get big too?

That's just, when you started saying it, the argument's over, that's what you text. Do you think Captain America's penis changed after the chamber also, we're just, everything else about him. We're gonna be the best friends off this. It's over forever. It's better that way. Why do you wanna live in that limbo?

I'm gonna... You don't wanna live in that in between space with him, you know, I mean, either make it solid. He hates your love yet. You need to take your shot. This is way to... I could not... If I had his number, I'd text something.

I have to text Captain America. Can I just... Can I get out of it? Can I have an out? Can I have an out? Yes. All right, Jack, I want you to type something. I have to text Captain America. Can I just get out of it? Can I have an out? Can I have an out? Yes. I want you to type it. Okay, you type it and send it.

So that way I can say, I can say if it does come, say we do wind up becoming friends. And he's like, dude, that was kind of out of line of my get-do. Jacob got my phone. Jacob got my phone. And it was fucked up.

Yeah. Am I really typing Captain America right now? All right, but read before you said I was like I should type it so You know, let me let me don't wait. No, did he video tape his phone number? No, no, Jacob. Let me jiggle let me type it because at least like if he throws the blame over this direction I can handle that you're not gonna like you're not upset with you. You're not gonna like that dude. Yeah you're right. Good call. But Jay can you at the beginning of it? Just right hey dude. Yeah of course. Just a little little little

little. Make it real. Make it. I don't want to stop. I don't want to stop staring his name. I really fucking love scapegoating America. Guys got some real feelings about Captain America. I do too. I mean I want to be his friend. Bobby there's a person at your front door by the way. What? It's what he got. There's a person at your front door. Well, all right. Well, is my wife all right? I don't know.

What's happening? You're scaring me. Crisis. I mean, dude. Bring me a doorbell, says someone to do fucking America right now. Tell him how my wife is. I mean, you have Captain America right in your hands. I just found out that it would have been less awkward if a nude picture of Dawn came through. There's like someone's in your front like, Bobby, I think something terrible is happening in your house.

Somebody lived gross, what was going on? Why are there groceries at my front door? It's a trap. That's how key for someone who got those kids in that Sally Field movie. This some woman just dropped off groceries. Oh, you know what? That's my lazy wife. That's the lady who dropped it off so many.

She ordered groceries. Oh, and she's going to tell you that she went to the grocery store and busted balls all day. That's a lazy. That's just lazy old Don. Yeah. Lazy old Don learn on that. That's why I keep it. I don't teach you about the phone. J. No. You know what I mean? Someone at the back door too. You got to keep them technically the diversion. The groceries diversion to get the guy in the back door.

All right. I'm coming in. All right. Here we go. All right. And we're back. Jacob, we're going to make this right here. Okay, here we go. I'm nervous. What if this, what, but here's the thing, can we stop for a second? Yes. What if this works? What if all of a sudden we come best friends? Now I got a, it's a taxing, like, you know what I mean? But if it goes well, these look-out is on my radio show, we were saying I was going to, yeah, if he gets the joke,

if this guy's as cool as you say is. Yeah. But now I'm gonna have, what if we hang out and watch me to come visit them, and now I'm not around from Max, because I'm hanging out with Captain America. Can you, can I write this? Chris, truth be told, I'm more of a winter soldier guy.

No. Okay. Are you crazy? I think that's okay. Okay. Look at that. Okay. Chris, if I'm just being completely honest with you,

I'm more of a winter soldier guy. That's great. I'm. Hey completely honest with you, I'm working with your soldier guy. That's great. Hey dude, how you doing? That breaks the ice part. Hey dude, how are you gonna phrase it though? How are we opening it up? Hey Chris, what's up, Hope Alls Well? Just truth be told, if I'm being completely honest with you, I'm more of a winter soldier guy.

This is just brilliant. If I'm being completely honest with you, I'm more of a winter soldier guy This is gonna even make us real good friends. Yeah, hey Chris. Oh My god, I'll throw an emoji in there too. I go See if there's a winter soldier emoji Chris What's up? Oh My god Hope all is well Oh my god. Hope all is well. Real quick. I like that.

Real quick. Real quick and writing is always so funny. Love it. Real quick. Real quick. If I'm being completely honest. I'm more of a winter soldier guy. It's it Hedgehog sorry not sorry I'm not you proof of Bobby I'm not gonna send this look at this as a willy-nilly. I think it's perfect. I love that

Jesus Cheers to our dip it out. All right, hey Chris what's up? Hope all is well love it really Real quick. I have a completely honest. I'm more over with the soldiers got hashtag sorry no Sorry and it sent nice Oh, he did by the way. He's not even sort of joking. He said that I said that by the way a world Chris Evans is a fucking Android wrong he just never I phone or if he does have an iPhone he doesn't have Bobby

on his i-message well crazy well unless I know two Chris Evans no right no I can no there's not another Chris Evans I know I would's not another Chris Evans. I would everyone. Well, that's Chris Evans. I would every once in a while get Like tweet Twitter messages that were intended for him just because our handles are close That's not an old you're like an old phoenoma from you, right? No, well when you asked where the venue is I was like were you meaning to text me on that one? That might be because why would you have texted Chris Evans? Where's this venue? to text me on that one? That might be.

Because why would you have texted Chris Evans where's this venue? It's hilarious. You may have accidentally texted Chris Evans where's this venue at Skankfest. That's why he probably never responded. What venue? That's not you, right?

You didn't get something from me, did you? I don't know if I mean I'd have to go way back. No, in your phone right now. Right now, oh no. Did you think of, I don't want you to hurt yourself. Oh Jesus. I know, I feel bad. No, it's like I'm dating an old catcher Dude this will suck it seems back. This Christine's back cut thrown out this week. I know. I think this is down

That's because you're the man dog. That's because you're the man dog. Nope. Nothing to do with my penis at all It was crossfit. It was crossfit and then she went down. Then she went with me on a gig Friday with her back in crazy pain and the whole night. She just By the at the New York comedy club the new one up in Stanford, which by the way Fucking beautiful club. Is it very impressive the whole club. It was great. Uh, everything was awesome about it There's a pool table on the green room and a Bluetooth thing that was playing music. It was great. TV, big area, big couches, there's an end Christine laying on the middle of the floor. Larry, Larry

bird at the end weekend and Saturday. I took a spot at Stainup New York because I was like, oh, I mean, Christine, I've been there in like eight years. It'll be fun to go up there. And nothing's yet to sit home. Well, I went out there and then yesterday, he should have some bed all day. Yeah, I never out there and then yesterday he should have been in bed all day. I've never had a Uber now. We're an old bitty, huh? I took a Uber from the show. You broke her off a little something?

It would be fine. Hell yeah. What's happening? I gave him something, something. You gave him something, something? Yeah. He knows how to hit the right spots if you know what I mean. Am I winking hard?

How are my winks doing? I can't check my phone. I don't have my phone. I think I left it up in the office I'm so excited about this fucking Lou just scared me with the thing. Was that you Lou? Sound effect. Yeah, it's wink. I thought that was it. I thought that was my text message. I'll do it again Sounds like a text message. That's freak me out. I thought he responded if he calls back this gonna be great Maybe text me back this is gonna be great. Yeah, or if he calls back and goes like hey, man Can you leave me alone like he takes a lot of weird shit? I don't know where the venue is Where's this venue? What does that mean? But that would be like a Three or four-year-old number very cool if he didn't change it

It's gonna be yeah yeah, be old, but it's somebody's number, it went through. Yeah, that went through. For sure, I'll say that, I always remember that high emotion when I finished the corn tour and last minute, after the last day I was talking to him,

I was like, oh, I hope we get to stay in touch. I see you guys again. He was like, do take my number. And I was just like, yeah, totally. I'll take it and I just took it very casually. And I left the tour and I went to do a weekend gig somewhere right from the tour. And I was there and I was, I wrote a thing,

like a long thing to him. And I wanted someone else to proofread it to be like, am I being too lame? Is this too much? Love like a love letter to him. And I wanted someone else to prove free to be like, am I being too lame? Is this too much? Love like a love letter I'm writing? Like thanking him for the tour. So I sent it just in silver. He made a gayer.

Just a proof of it. I go, I go, does this look good or does it too much? He goes, it's fine. Oh no. And I go, OK, so then I sent it to Jonathan Davis. just look, is this good or is this too much he goes, it's fine. Oh no. And I go, okay, so then I sent it to Jonathan Davis and then later as a joke, I just like, like a half boner and I took a picture of it and I sent it off and I go, I was going to text Justin and be like, hey dude, is this look the right size for my age or something like dumb joke like that?

No. And I sent it, here's the thing. It's not, that's why it's not one of the foremost stories I tell is because I did send it to Justin. But when I hit send on the dick pick, I forgot that I sent him a copy of what I wrote to Jonathan Davis. So I just saw the words I wrote to the guy from Corn and then saw my dick pick, you know, delivering through.

And just for whatever that split second was, I'll never forget it. It was the craziest my body said, I think I got an electric shock. I was like, oh my God, this guy just wrote him a love letter and sent him a dick pick. I was like, oh, it's more of them. I go, how's he gonna possibly react to that? Do I really enjoy myself? Like, look, I like half hard enjoyed myself. You gotta be sending dick pic back, he goes, dude.

Yeah, this is how we party now. This is how me and you party now. Dickpicks dude, it's so hard to take. I'm gonna bring this up to Lewis tonight on Skanks, but he kept describing a naked picture of column tarot that he has. He was gonna show a bunch of people in the audience and he goes, hey, everybody,

I'm gonna show everyone column tarotls nude. And I thought that, I don't know why that hit my ears weird. I could see calling a female's naked picture a nude, like female nudes. Yeah. But a male male even at your nudist It's a dick pick. It doesn't matter whatever it is if you're dicks in the picture It is a dick pick. That's a dick pick. That's how important it is. It's never called a nude. How was it a male? Column it was he said it wasn't like fluffed at all and he's lying about that a little bit

I called that out to him for sure. It's a little fluffed. It's a thinny, but it seems like a solid It's a solid Irish wallop for sure. You call it a thinny. There's a little bit of a thinny when it was soft Yeah, like a chaletley. Yeah, I can't it was just those weird ones, you know, I mean when it looks like a chest peat like a rook But then it you know that could blow up big It wasn't a it wasn't deflating that you thought like, which one's the rook? Is that? Ah, that's the little castle.

The little castle on the corner. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The little thin castle with a head on it. I have more of a pawn. A pawn weiner? I have a pawn weiner. Yeah, if my weiner had to be, now maybe it'd be the horse, but like the actual size of the horse.

Now, you know what, I'm gonna be the bishop. I'm a bishop. Yes bishop. I'm a bishop. Yes. I'd be a bishop. That makes much more sense. I got a bishop. Yeah, Pawn, I used to be a Pawn when I was fatter. It looked like somebody spit bubble gum into an afro. There's got to be some sort of a website that shows before and after fat penises and like the difference it makes and like, you know, I mean? Oh, 100% of size. Because your bush fat, I notice now,

because I'm losing weight in my bush area. Yeah. Because it got a little chubby too. Like, oh buddy, I know, I know. It's gotta go somewhere, but now that I'm losing it, it's, but it's losing it, it like the left side is losing weight more really yeah it's weird i was gonna get surgery for that was that around you what do you i mean i don't i don't get fat sucked out of my

food that i asked for that was the surgery called it was like fat soup expensive which wasn't even like the you know if i'd like the outcome enough, it wasn't too expensive. It's like six grand. More than that. Was it really?

It wasn't more than that. But the thing was like, it was just became like when they had me signing, like they wanted me to sign a bunch of stuff. It was all preemptive too. I wasn't like, I didn't have a date or anything yet, but like, that was signing those things and you have to sign over like the waivers. How many waivers you got to sign? Like, my family won't sue them if I inevitably

probably die from anesthesia in this back room for things we're doing. And I was just like, yeah, I can't. Like I don't know. It feels weird signing up and paying a bunch of money to be like, you might just die from the gas in the beginning. Would you go to Mexico and just get our foods?

But I said I would get all the fat sucked out of my, oh nice birds. I would get all Christine fat sucked out of my nice birds. I Would get all Christine. That's what you could be looking at right there in the world. Remember you tried to stop me from getting my Fupa sucked Christine didn't want me to do it. No, this is sorry. This is penis enlargement of food. That's your penis enlargement Why are you bringing that out? You didn't fucking do that. That's so weird to get LIPO just in that one area. And then you like didn't wait like, if you gained weight, it would gain in like other areas

of your body. Yeah, but not above my dick. You just had to get it up in above dick. No problem. There should be some type of like thing, like a harness, like a, a, a food behind us. That could, Something pulls it all back.

It pulls it all back when you needed to be pulled back. Like, spanks for you dick. Yeah, that'd be, we should make those. I think, sex, it, it all back a little back when you need it to be pulled back like spanks for you dick Yeah, that be we should make those sex it goes back shut up Talking about having sex I'm talking about the world seeing it. Yeah, we want people to see our fucking our peckers again I'll tell you what it would you'd look like some kind of a weird Like in this some domination play, but there's something you can make, like a strappy thing. Like it would do. That pulls, it's gonna look like domination clothes though.

It would look like the horse's bridle, you know, where you put it, you put your dick through it, it goes through your dick, it has to go around the back of your balls. And then it pulls from the back. You would have to meet out of rubber with a little piece of Velcro in the back

because you'll change. You know what I mean? If you have a salty day, you know what I mean? Yeah, he's the tighter you squeeze it, the more it pulls back. More is it? Fupa. Yeah, a Fupa guard. Well, that's not too great ideas for Shark Tank. They don't want to hear my other one. What's your other one?

I've already brought it to one or two of them. The hang yourself from a door knob, when you want to jerk off, so we don't have to lose all of our music legends, that if you don't acknowledge it every 30 seconds, it like releases you. So sound garden still lives. Right.

I mean, Lincoln Park still going strong. A lot of people still. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of people smack in their dicks and dying. We could have another kill Bill Sequel. It's like the year. But we can't now because these guys have to live on the edge and jerk off with a belt

with no one there to watch when they pass out. And then they die from masturbated. So I wanted to do that, but they said, they said no dice. They both thought it was a great idea. Would not get behind it anyway. I have a shark tech idea that's going to be huge. What is it? The flanker.

What is that? Think about it. Okay. The flanker. Flanker. You've ever been on the pool? I've been in a pool. You've ever been in the ocean.

I have. You've been on a float. Yes. Yeah. And what happens when you're in the pool? You're always going to constantly look where you're going, right? In the ocean you might be sucked away, right? For sure. Well, what if you had a float anchor that came with the float that you fill with sand or rock and you just stay where you are.

It has a fingering on it. So you just put it on your finger and you float and you stay right where you are. In that corner of the pool, in the sun, in the ocean, it's going to be really heavy. Well, it can be as heavy as you want it to be. You've defined the sand to fill it up on the beach, not that hard to do. But how big is this thing of sand is gonna weigh you down the ocean? Dude it's it's not that big if the oceans are angry that would destroy a building I cannot go out

Harkane you know, but if the current's gonna catch sure pull you out sure It's gonna pull also a bag that could that would be the size of how much sand You can handle a bring out there. You don't you have to go build a sand wall first and then harness yourself to it No, you just fill the bag with sand. Okay, all right, and it doesn't sink you when you're on your way out No, you you have the bag you fill it with sand you jump on your thing you put your finger ring around your finger Okay, and it and it keeps you the finger rings definitely a patent pending thing because you fill it with sand, you jump on your thing, you put your finger ring around your finger, and it keeps you... The finger ring is definitely a patent pending thing because you've mentioned it now choice. The finger ring is definitely going to be the...

And by the way, finger ring is our technology patent pending. And then there you go. And then you just stay right there. Now look, is it going to move a couple inches? Maybe. You know what I mean? You're not going to stay right there. Now look, is it gonna move a couple inches? Maybe, you know what I mean? You're not gonna be out there, but when you're talking tropical,

you're talking a pool. There's not too much current, you know what I mean? You just kinda stay in there, but you don't wanna, how many times you've been on a float and you wind up over by the filter? But can I throw an addition? I do it to this?

Yes. Because what you're saying makes zero sense. But. Zero? Zero. Okay. You have to bring out, you have to walk out with an anchor's worth of sand on you. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, bag. Okay. So the bag, no, hang on, the bag is a canvas bag, right? Okay.

It's all weather, right? Sure. It has a zipper on it. You scoop in the sand, right? What? Depending on who you are, right? Sure. You might, no, Jacob might need a little less sand.

You might need a little more, right? You scoop it up, and you zip it up. And the ropes attached, right? You put the bag on top of the float. Right. And you go out. And then when you get on the float, you drop the up and the ropes attached, right? You put the bag on top of the float. Right. And you go out. And then when you get on the float, you drop the bag off the side.

Bobby, you would need a thousand pound bag of sand and stop you and the ocean from taking you away. No, no, no, no, no. Let me add something to this idea. I've got a good idea. Why I don't, what I actually do is put on these certain beaches up until pretty deep out into the water, very, very heavy weights, embedded into the ground as far as it can go,

with little chains or strings coming up through the light. Yeah. Bowies with a more like a basically buoy with the ring, the finger ring. And so you can just wear every like, however many 10 feet in the water, there's these floating rings. You can just grab your finger onto and you know you're anchored down by something very heavy.

Could Caribbean are onto it once you get there. Sure. Can't do it. Can't do it. Cause then you're gonna have to look at. You're saying instead, carry out, carry it as many hundreds of pounds as you can and wait That's not the way water works when you lie in water You your body weight is distributed and if you float it you for sure you weigh way less So you don't need that much weight. I know isn't the sand

Marit I was gonna say isn't the sand gonna weigh down the float too much You're gonna sink it with all the weight no the, the rope, the rope you have, it goes to the bottom. So the rope goes always to the top. Well, the bottom up to where? Up to what do you mean? Up to it! You have to swim the bag out. No, you put the rope up to the floaty.

No, you put it on top of the floaty. Yeah, the float floats the bag. Oh right, right. Yeah. Your thousand pound bag of sand is being carried on a floaty, which also is one hell of a floaty carrying this bag out. Greg Stone has called me. I thought it was Chris.

I got to say it. Because it's Chris Evans. Captain America, cat, what's up? I can't answer it. I'm sorry. What's up, cat? You got that little Marvel joke I made before. Just all but her sold with my kid anyhow

You're back No, damn I thought it was hand no No, you guys see right here of what that liposuction is it actually says correction of buried penis Oh man if you have a hidden penis. Oh, man. I don't understand so the have a hidden penis. Oh man. I don't understand. So the fact the fat section above the what do you understand, Jacob? Don't point. I'm saying you're gonna. What do you get about this, Jacob? Don't point like it's a freak show. This person's got a problem. You're gonna have a dick V, but with like a belly above it. For sure. I would

ask you. I'm looking so unnatural. I would absolutely. I would absolutely. I'm still looking. It's so unnatural. You're wrong. I'd rather have the gut end and then flat above my dick for sure. Yeah, I don't want to look like a certain here and nothing here. Totally. Yeah, but you dick will be back. You dick will be the dick that you were born with that you were supposed to have.

And they call it a fat pad will be gone. I hate fat people words that they made up for us Fat pad and hidden penis sucks. I Hate fat. I'm doing it. I'm going back and doing it. I'm getting a done. I might do it this afternoon I'm not gonna fucking have hidden penis. I don't want fat pad. Why Christine? Why would I live with hidden penis if I don't have to? You don't have hidden penis. I do have hidden penis Christine. I have fat bad food. That gives me Fidden penis. It's medical now you bitch. You have fat bad It's like insurance to pay for the sugar. No, you can't if if if it's hurting you it is if it's causing you

It's not but it is It's causing you because when I got the surgery, it's causing me emotional pain. If I get, I don't have it yet. If I got like all saggy skin on my arms and legs and which thank God I don't have, I lucked out. But if I had that, a lot of people, if it hurts you, you can get the,

the insurance will cover it. If I'm trying to show off my penis at all, I'd have to do a finger on either side. Look, I'm opening a pussy. Yeah. Ha ha ha. Look, I'm opening a pussy around my dick. There it is.

There's all of it. Ha ha ha. Christine, make me an appointment. I'm back. I'm going back. I'm going. Let's do a double, let's see what we get to deal. We can absolutely get to deal.

If you say we're talking about it on radio, the product give us a really good deal. Yeah, we want our fat pads and our food pods taken on who's willing to make that phone call Black Lou do you want to call see if we can get me and Bobby discounts on Fupa? Light perception come on Jew if we go together. I say Jew. I mean Lou. What the hell happened? I'm not black you I just want to drink the Kanye cool a day black you I apologize a little I apologize

Guys up let's get a goodie though. Yeah, yeah, we need a goodie. I think I was going to a goodie No, just say you're doing it and then don't do it for steam back off. She's so worried my dick's gonna rule Black glue please black glue Jew I know what you're saying black glue college you That's what I meant I knew there was a thank you something upper West or east. Yeah, I would like West show Let's do Westchester. Oh, you know out out of the city, it's going to be now I'm worried we're going to get some flimsy work. No, Westchester has the best. That's where all the rich people live up in Westchester But don't the but those big dogs would do their surgery in the city, you feel like now. Oh, dude, I think that I'm telling you up up up up up there is where you know, it gets done

Where in New York is the best Fupa plastic surgery and if we can get maybe one of these places on the line? Yeah, is there a Fupa place? How many more, how many x-frenches are they guarantee me? I'd like to know. At least two inches. Man, I would love to just look at my hog laying heavy. You can take,

I'm like, why does it my small dick look so much better? We can get your fat pad and we can get our fat pads and get them in our lips. You can take. We can get your fat pad and we can get our fat pads and get them in our lips You can take the fat out of your fat pad and put it in your ass. You want to have I take it in my ass They won't but that's how to wear don't don't don't don't clip that little. What do you take in your ass? I talked over a little bit my fault. Thank you guys saved your ass there This place is on Fifth Avenue. Yeah, that's the place Shae for clinic clinic who that doesn't sound good? Are we waiting there with junkies

and stuff to get our food was sucked out? Everyone's itching and scratching. We're going to get their food was sucked. You have to use a bomb of care together. I have coupons for this. Um, yeah, my ex-boyfriend, you get one time I had a coupons. He was a coupon for a colonics. I go, I don't know if I'm a discount like stuff when it comes to jamming it up my ass. Have you got a colonic? No. I got one on the upper.

I guess it was in the middle. You know what the national, what's that? The museum, the nature museum? Oh, natural, yeah. Natural history. Natural history. That's upper west. I got it.

Dawn, me and Dawn went together to get him done, and it's in a part. Look at each other. No, we went not together. You can't get him. Just look like you're grunting out. I went in, and it's in an apartment building. I think the building that Seinfeld lives in, it's in that big, beautifully.

So one of those apartments is a colonic place, and I went in, and- Wait a second, that tubes got to go where And I went and I'm sitting down and I said hey can you move? Hey, she goes what I go can you shut the curtain? Because the top window I saw some old lady in her apartment like having tea Well, they were gonna clean my ass hard crazy that they would even have that window open like that Yeah, it's one of those.

It was nuts. She goes, oh yeah, I forgot about that. And then the first sock, the machine went, g-g-g-g-g-g-g. Oh, it died out on you. She goes, you don't show your food that well, do you? Like, I'm now. It's like a...

You clogged it immediately? G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g. That's what I heard. Some rumbled around. Something, yeah, something. There's like the machine just saying, good, good, good, good. There's three jacks just came out. I oddly, I had a colonic done once too,

and it was oddly also in an apartment building. In New York, it's like any village in an apartment building. Yeah, LA. As soon as they put's like an East Village in an apartment building. Yeah, L.A. As soon as you put in Christine, a wrapped almond joy came out. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that.

I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. Oh, it's the spots. You lie down. It looks like a toilet that you lie down on. So you lie down on this thing, and it's a toilet,

and there's a little hose. So you're supposed to put the lube on your asshole, and then put the hose sticking out into your asshole, yourself, and they teach you how to do it, and you explain this and that. It's a little, and that she leaves. If you need any help, come back in. And what I did is I put the tube in,

but I kept putting it in and it went too far in my asshole and I popped it out of the machine. So I had to, I had to get up and take the tube out of my ass. And then I didn't know how to put it back in. So I had to call her and she was like, you put it too far up. She goes, just put it a little, you don't have to put like a half-engineer butt. I like, I couldn't feel it though.

I mean, I couldn't do it, I want to feel it. I know, I put it six inches up my asshole. What's that? I understand the colonics, so I understand the tube is flushing out everything that's inside, but where is it going? With the one when you lie down? In any, it's two, but where is it going with the one when you light out? In any it's two it's two one pushes water in yeah one pushes one and then another tube everything comes Wait, so there's two tubes at the same time on the one that I did here

Yeah, I believe there was there's one that comes out that shoot you can actually watch the stuff that's coming out Where's it going into it's going into a shit box? Or something you know it's going into a hose or where the toilet goes like Where's it going into? It's going into a shit box or something. What's going on? It's going into a hose or where the toilet goes. It's a setup. But it's clear, like there's a box that you can watch the stuff that comes out of you. It looks like flakes.

It's like CNN. It looks like the bottom of the Marion Attrench. Like, it's just weird things coming out of you. That's a lot of leafy shit. Yeah. Stuff that's stuck up there. But the one in LA It just goes down into the toilet

You know what I mean it's weird Like a video of a girl just sitting here. She goes yeah, clean my ass out. Yeah, that's the one That's the oh that's the one that good. Oh Look at her little flakes coming out Jacob. Would you still your piece of shit? Wait, it's really uncomfortable Jacob, would you still your piece of shit? Wait, it's really uncomfortable. It's two tubes at once and your one goes in your butt. Oh man, it's...

Oh Jesus Christ. Oh, that's actually got me. She's like you like what you see there, your piece of shit. You love it, your scumbag. What a pig. I can't look at the scene. She's not the same to me anymore. Oh, gross.

That was pure trash coming out of her. I thought it was supposed to be flakes and little pieces. She just had a full shit logs co-through. Oh my god. Oh my god. Do they have the self ones? Is a black guy getting one? Wow. Ah! Ah! Oh, fuck. Oh my god. Oh. Do they have the self ones?

Is a black guy getting one? It'd be funny if like bones come out. Ha ha. Ha ha. A deer home. Ha ha ha. A raccoon tail. Ha ha ha.

You don't chew your food when you eat, do you? Some jewelry. Ha ha. Yeah. What? Oh, that was good. You can lose that. Are they shit? I didn't know that. You have a shave. your food when you eat do you some jewelry oh they shut I didn't know that they have a shaggers like this one oh they put a thing on your stomach hey oh no doctor guess is that really vibrate your stomach I don't have that

that's a good idea yeah that's a great idea that's a great idea I don't know if that works but I'm telling you I will make your hilarious buddy in the room with you. Damn dog, you got two things up your dookie hole. I do that. What do you want to do? Kalonics together? Yes, I would also do Kalonics together. Black loop. Could you also see if you can get some Kalonics? Maybe on the house or whatever if we come in? Is there a is there a self one? Oh, there it is.

A Kalonic hypothetically. That one right there, I think that's the sound. Can someone come do it in the studio? Can you and Bobby broadcast? That's the one I did, that's the self one. That one you just poop lying down, it's nuts. Into a just a big open pit. Yeah, you're shitting into a pit. It's a shit bed.

I love it, I love a shit bed. Would you love a shit bed? I wouldn't's a ship bed. I love it. I love a ship bed. Would you like a ship bed? I wouldn't hate a ship bed, but I'm not going to go to a ship bed with an office. When someone's got like, I hate Mondays poster. As little kitten hanging in there. How much water are you putting up your ass? It's a lot of water.

And then they squirt the water into the point where it feels like you're having really intense cramps and then they let it go and stuff flushes out and then they do it again. So they shoot water up until you feel like you're gonna fucking boys. No over and over again. Yeah, keep it going. I did I had done a cleanse before I did it. I haven't had it done with like food and my stomach from the night before. Yeah, all that's a waste. At very least, Jacob, me, you, Bobbi and DJ Liu have to get colonics on air. I mean, it's a turn off. You want to see that? Not for me. I'm saying like if you're significant other, you don't want to see them a whole

tube full of... Well, Christina Christina look away. I'm not gonna watch her doodoo's come out. I mean, you just showed that video that Peg getting a colonic out. She's getting, look at her anymore. She has a piece of trash now, you're right. Yeah.

For having that inside of her. I don't know her. Yeah. Why the Christ would you have that inside of you? I don't know why it's coming out now, but you got it and you son of a You piece of shit. Hey, or you ate you ate food Yeah, what did you eat that's that color of black pig? Yeah, oh DJ Lou I bet you have some crazy stuff inside you

If I would want anyone in the room to see a collage, it'd be Lou. Yeah. Yeah. Lou's got, he's got four cigarette butts in there from the times he swallowed a cigarette trying to flip it around your mouth game. Oh. That. They call it buried penis.

That's what it's called buried penis. That's why I'm going to get it done now again. We're doing it together. We're getting our dicks unburied What a real sexual awakening for the Bodfire Louis your girlfriend thing you were You're on it trying to find out the Jewish one Christine found if we talk about it We're gonna go through our journey on the air

I'm in I'll do I'll do a colonic right here You do what you do in the heartbeat. Nice. You feel good after. I bet you do. Yeah, you feel nice and clean. Could someone with a they make house calls? They come here. I don't know. I don't know. You can do on in the room. You can't do. He can't send me your ass and

have a come out in the room. Yeah. I think it'd be in credible violation of, I don't know, everything. It's for health. We just had a pandemic. They don't want full guy shitting in a room. There's a machine for it. Wow. I didn't realize serious X-AVS got so uptight.

Well, everyone's fired. It doesn't matter. No one's listening to this show. There's those things as a mobileobile-colonic. Absolutely. No way. Absolutely look up into my house and it's shoved up of my ass. You can do it, they have one, what is the, what's that called the thing you use the house? The animal. The animal. Yeah, my friend. That's not the same thing. My friend was so into colonics him and his girlfriend in their bathroom,

if you went to the house and used the bathroom, they had had the calonic bag hanging off the shower and said, him and hers. Oh, you should've knew me. And they did coffee calonics. Oh, yeah. Well, you put coffee up your ass. Or animes? Yeah, coffee animal. Well, you put coffee in your mouth.

And you hold it as long as you can. That means they're shitting into the bathtub? Yes. No, no, no. You put the thing in your butt, and you hold the bag up of warm water. You do that over the bathtub. And no, you put it you put the thing in your butt and you hold the bag up of warm water You do that over the bathtub and no You have to lie on the ground and put your mouth into the bathtub in case someone drops out

No, you do it on the on the floor with a towel down and then You just with a bathtub just wash rinse it out later Where's it coming out into? No, you hold it and then when you feel like you can't hold it anymore, you get up and you sit on the toilet and you poop. If you make it. It seems dangerous. It's very dangerous. Who wants to live a safe life?

Yeah. You like Captain America? Well, shit, I'm not sure what the edge do. Get a little. You got to live a little, dude. You might shit on the thigh. You think Captain America wouldn't shove coffee up his ass? You know what? Bobby, give me the phone. Let me ask Captain America wouldn't shove coffee up his ass? You know what?

Bobby, give me the phone. Let me ask you, maybe, to shove coffee up his ass. If you're doing animal, would you do straight water? Or would you do the coffee thing? I mean, he hasn't responded, so you might as well. Yeah, at this point. Yeah, go ahead, send it. What he's doing, he's green screening right now or something.

He's going to come back wearing his costume. Like, with just soldered goods, funny. He's got his funny. How is this guy's good? Oh, he's good. He's got come back wearing his costume like they're soldered good. It's funny. It's got funny. Oh Guys good. Oh, he's good. He's good. He's got good stuff. Um him and Robert's not FaceTime of me I don't know what you're digging to it deep Unless you watch it about you said you watched the trailer, but the Jared Fogel documentary. Yeah That thing was I did not I did not remember how like fucking dark that story was, I thought, for some reason I just dismissed it, not dismissed. But in my mind, he was just like a creepy guy who like had kid porn, he was in like teenage shit or whatever, and that like, they caught him with all the images and like, he's a piece of shit he went away.

It's so much worse. It's different. I didn't know there was levels of pedophilia. You know what I mean? I thought it was... I thought, I didn't know, like I, watching Kid porn, like he was watching on his computer, it was bad. I'm not saying it's not bad.

Oh, it is bad, that's what's... That's what I sort of thought the whole thing was. But fucking wanting to have sex with a kid is worse. Well, what? Wanting to is worse. Then I think another level of worse is doing it. Is doing it. And I think another level of worse is doing it with zero remorse and almost just like,

yo, where are the non-year-old posies in this town? And they go, there's mostly boys in this town and goes, bring on the non-year-old thing. So this guy did not care. Yeah, that was a weird part when I saw the interview, because I did a little research. I didn't see the show yet. I'm gonna watch it tonight. But when I saw the, when I saw the way

he was talking about the kids, he was, he had no remorse. He was very, very in pain. I love tearing into a boy's ass almost more than I love tearing into my nightly veggie delight everybody. The veggie delight only in subways now is six grams of fat. So I bring it up mainly and I got so much to say about the documentary, but I do think it would be I've asked the crew here and everyone seems to think it's pretty funny if I For it make a six-month commitment go on the Jared the Jared pedophile subway diet

Where I eat a half turkey sub for lunch? six inch with Bake chips baked lays sure died so that and for dinner a large veggie delight what is the veggie delight i see it let me see if i can get through this veggie delight my bum me out i don't know if it's a licks just vegetables or if they have that weird patty thing they used to have still

all right that's what the case is that i'm saying fucked this whole thing i'm not even fucking mystery loaf i think it's just vegetables. With a sauce. Five dollar food. You need a protein. You need a protein. Yeah turkey, dude. That's a good thing. Have that at night instead. Veggie to light love. It's a salad on a bun. This doesn't have the ingredients listed but I think it's just vegetables. Tomatoes. Ooh, little jalapeno, some olives. Some sauce, I see.

What's the sauce? Probably a mayonnaise. I'll take a mayonnaise. I'll tell you what. I can make that happen. Yeah. I can make that happen. That's not as bad as I thought I was going to be.

You can get peppers and shit on it. Yeah. I can do that. Six months commitment. If I lose, what if I get in the best shape of my life doing a pedophile's diet? The constant makes me laugh and goes, look, all the we know, sure, but the guy wrote a killer diet.

Look, credit what Fred has to, I'm not saying, I can separate, let's just say I can separate the art from the artist. Look at being motivated from wanting to ban kids. I know, I know it's bad but listen I lost a hundred pounds in under a year. And you got the hunger now. Bobby's got the thirst. Something about losing all that way may just gives me the thirst. I don't know what it is. They're young flash He was weird me out. Yeah, the the fucking comments he was making in those phone calls. So they get this lady With Jared and by the way, don't people think I'm walking away from this. I'm seriously considering going on the Jared Betafile diet. I think it's hilarious

going on the Jared Betafile diet. I think it's hilarious. But the people in this documentary, the one lady who you did say you followed a bit of her stuff, Bobby. Yeah. She was a little. She was on. She was on. She was on. She was on. Fair. She made. She maybe should have to go to prison all the time. She's sort of a great. But it is such a dark world. The Jared was in a dark dark world. This girl ended up going like states evidence. I wonder whether they FBI sting operation on it. Well, she was doing a thing. She was doing a benefit. Radio. Radio. She was doing injury with him. And he was on stage with her. And they were talking. And he was trying to make a connection saying how beautiful he was. And then at one

point, he had said something to her that made her uncomfortable. Which was, I believe, wow, look at all these, you know, six graders or something like, all these little preschool kids are really good looking or something. Oh, he just leaned over at a nowhere. I don't know where.

At a nowhere, they were sitting at a thing as big as a middle school girls are really hot. That's it. That's exactly it And she was like okay, but then she was like, but you know, I guess that's just Jared So I stayed friendly with him. Well, he was he was on a hot mic Yeah, he was on a hot mic and the her producer heard it too From across the room and they both made eye contact like whoa shit Yeah, they were like you got to like do something. Like you got to figure some out.

So on her own, she just starts recording him and he gets and she has these like, I mean, they have to be authenticated or else they couldn't make this. They couldn't just put this out like, well, she went to the FBI and they were like, no way. We can't do it because it's unemissible and he's Jared. Yeah. She's been five minutes. They like look at, we, I'm sorry. So she had to go back. Yeah. She's been five minutes to like look at, sorry. So she had to go back and get more evidence. And I mean, she, Jared wanted, I guess when you're into that kind of dark shit, you want

a friend in the world so bad. I mean, she couldn't have showed less. She's supposed to be acting like she's into it and she couldn't sound less into it and just asking all incriminating questions. He'd be like, yeah, so, you know, she goes, he's like, I think we're gonna get together with you, you know, I bet we can have a lot of fun. And she's like, well, I'd like to maybe do some of the

things you said like from before. He's like, what do you mean? It's like the young stuff, you know, the young ones. He's like, oh yeah, yeah, the young kids, yeah, that'd be fun, that'd be fun That'd be real hot and she's like how young do you like to go? He's like Nine ten she goes Nine or ten and he's like, yeah, that's hot. She's like sure is

But she had this this is the problem I have her she had the sexiest she had a very sultry voice on she was here she was like yeah yeah and then he would go but while she's doing she's definitely flustered by it and he's and then he goes hey can I say something I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm to sure. Anything he goes, can I see your kids naked? Just like, what the fuck? Like, what someone says that?

It was like, he's so brazen. That's why it's not funny, but it's funny. He goes, if I ask him, would you get mad? Can I borrow your toaster? Or something can sound good because I said, no, he was just that. And he's like, can I see your kids naked? And he goes, which one you think I want to see more

of the boy or the girl? And then she'd be like, I don't know. He's like, which one you think would be hotter? She's like, I don't know. I mean, you seem to like both boys and girls. He's like, right, some saying. Which one's good? He's never like sees her trepidation.

He goes, right, which one do you think I'll like more? She's like, the girl? He's like, yeah, that's hot. Ooh, that's hot. I want you to watch me pound the child ass. Ah. It's out of it. I really did not know was that extent of fucking crazy.

Some people just need to be with the nice. Yeah, that guy's, he's bad for the, he'll bring the positive to the world. Yeah. Take his giant pants where the, yeah. That's my, it's been Yeah. Take his giant pants where the spend his all they've run around giant pants showing off. He's talking to hold up giant pants in behind and he's kind of like my hotel room

later. I'll kill you. That's when you snuck the kids in through the pants. And then and then him. Did he have to he fool around with kids? So he because I know he had porn. Yeah. Not to say that that's different. It's terrible. You should be put away if you have child porn. Let's take a break So I don't want to we don't want to get past the hour. So you're describing so happy go lucky about being a pedophile That's what it's so crazy about when we come back. I'll tell you more stuff. It's wild. It goes on and on We'll be right back everybody. It's bonfire We'll be right back everybody. It's bonfire.

Hey everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, the whole damn thing, go to seriousxm.com slash bonfire for a special offer. That's right. And go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates coming to a city near you. I stepped on your crackle crackle. I stink.