The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Apology with Chris Faga & Mike Harrington

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

Chris from Brooklyn and Mike Harrington from the Notes Of A Goon podcast learn about Olympic badminton with little people. Jay brings up a scene from the movie Blow in which the mother calls the cops on her son. He recalls a traumatizing incident from childhood when he had to announce to the whole school that he did not have sex with a classmate. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly Bobby I could smell this is we're listening to something from the soundtrack of one of your sober dances That's a run your son you wanna Is my error it's the bonfire faction talk series xm3 Big Jokers and Robert Kelly, two great guests in today. They're going to be hosting the Armored Combat in Perryville, Maryland together Saturday the 21st at Fifth Company Brewing. It is the hilarious Chris Vega and Mike Harrington.

So much stuff. Mike's also going to be there this weekend hosting Micro Wrestling. Ooh. Ooh Whoo-hoo is that what they call midget wrestling now? Yeah, that's the new word for midget wrestling micro And I think it's because the talls got offended at the word midget. I don't I think the midgets like midget I'm excited the world talls. Yeah So is Jacob I'll tell you Harrington. I did when I was on mayhem fest years ago. They had three midgets micros

Playing uh-huh Oompa Loompas, okay for a little like like surely to the Beatrice man house was actually the one running that fucking crazy show But no, no, but he brought these three midgets out micros micros Yes on the out on a bus tour to do this little thing before one of the bands came on. And one of them was a black girl. Laundry. Cute, laundry girl.

And she, but she was hanging out one time, she was like saying, she also does like stripping, like novelty stripping and shit. And I was like, really? She goes, yeah, you want a lap dance? I was like, yeah, sure, I'll take a take a lap and then she came on the bus with me and started uh like giving a lap it got fully naked climbing up me like a building started yodeling but it was so was she was she a micro Oh micro yeah she's a micro black

girl yeah she was playing a how big was that ass though? Great. It was like two little fists. It was so awesome. She had to climb up your pockets? She was standing here, bent over. She was standing with her foot on either side of my hips. And her butthole was in my face. And she danced for a little while.

And then I swear to you, she like rappelled down me. And then she goes, I gotta go! And she just took off. I was like, I was in my head doing the thing. I go, holy shit dude, I'm about to fuck a micro. If you had went through the butthole, you would have gotten smaller. Like Alice in Wonderland.

But I genuinely was like, I was like, but I've had that a few times in my life where I'm like, look at me, dude, I'm a good person. I'm lowering my inhibitions in guard and I'm willing to have sex with this micro. And then she was like, never even thought of that, bye. She was right out. She was like, no, no, I just told you

I'd show you what I do, striptease-wise. And I'm like, now I'm a horny for your little midget ass. Did you actually hear the sound pew? Yeah, pew. Pew. Yeah, she went do-de-doo-de-doo-de-doo-de-poo. And then her shoes chased after her afterwards. I would love to have sex with a midget.

That's an Olympic sport, a Paralympic sport. Having sex with midgets? No, Paralympic micro-Badminton. Oh, I'll tell you what. Big Saks with midgets? No, Paralympic micro badminton. Oh, I'll tell you what, I wouldn't be okay in the Paralympics if fucking was a contest, whoever finishes first, it's gotta take a long time. Form would be a big one.

Oh my God, but those strong ass upper bodies are gonna be amazing. Sad that they have to put their wallet in their upper pocket though. I know. They can't have it in their back pocket. It's impossible, they'll never have to put their wallet in their upper pocket though. I know. They can't have it in their back pocket. Mm-mm, it's impossible, they'll never get to it. They'll never get to it.

No. They all have to wear those weird gun bags that are on your chest. Yeah, they're, put their cell phone, they get their hotel key. It's like as scary as a fucking, a dinosaur is. If you put a kick me sign on their back, they can't do shit about it.

Yeah. It's kinda fucked up in the Paralympics logo, just looks like the regular Olympic logo if it got hit by a bus. Yeah, it's kind of fucked up with the Paralympics logo, just looks like the regular Olympic logo if it got hit by a bus. It's just slightly fucked up. Yeah, it really is just tilted over. Can I see it? I can see that.

They should just make it the Olympic logo and just put like backs of chairs in front of each thing so it just looks like a series of. Doesn't it just look like it got fucking hit by a truck? Yep, absolutely. Yeah, two colors short, like the chromosomes. Yeah. He goes, well where's black and's black and that's the Special Olympics it's different colored drools that's that one

Drips It's all the all the crayons in a Crayola set. Yeah, you say what you will about the Paralympics. It's hilarious. They're goofy Huh, I didn't know if some of the sports like blind soccer It's hilarious. They're goofy. I've been watching it. The sports that they know. What was I supposed to say something right there? Huh? I didn't know of some of the sports. It's like blind soccer. Oh, yeah. Blind soccer. They're fenced in.

Blind soccer is so funny. Dude, blind soccer, I saw that. I showed it to Bobby. It is. I have not seen that at all. It is fucking the group. Because he has to do a penalty kick. And they have to.

But they spin him around on a baseball bat like he's going to hit a piñata first? They're going to do that daredevil shit where they clang on the thing. A guy guy he's on the left. Follow my sounds. Yeah a guy When each whenever he made it's taking their penalty kick the guy bangs the left and right of the goalpost I'll let them hear the sound like like a bat where you should aim for I like that Is goal banger of position it's not? No that's a sighted guy. How about if you do like the long jump where you wheelchair as fast as you can to a short wall and then when your thing hits you just

fling forward and it's how far you can slap your hands down. Now we're thinking, now we're cooking with gas guys. You have to crawl back into your wheelchair. Absolutely. You can't get any help. No, absolutely. Why not bring in a cannon? Just shoot them out of a cannon. Just fire them and see how far they go.

Pole bolt should just be a catapult at this point. It's got to be so fun to watch. The watermelon eating contest. Are they putting break dancing for this year in Paralympics? Because that would be fantastic. USA little people badminton, USA took gold. I knew it. It's a very American game. No, you're wrong. Apologies. Do the rackets look regular size? They are regular size. But they look like regular tennis rackets in their hand. Oh my god. It must dude Those are catching butterflies out there

But we took gold for the first time I think in barrett USA they took gold and they tried to eat it. It was good They know there was chocolate inside. No, this isn't jewish candy. This isn't jewish candy All candy jewish Uh paco you were raising your hand Oh candy Jewish Paco you were raising your hand Okay, what about it the goalie isn't blind right he can see what an ass What a jerk-off move. I think the goalie's blind. No goal has ever been scored ever Blindfold on him so they equal it out. I mean you can watch the yeah, I. They put a blindfold on him so they equal it out. I mean, you can watch the footage. I think they put a blindfold on him.

I think the goalie might be sighted, but yeah, you still gotta block the goal. I think they put a blindfold on him. I think you should max one eye if you're a goalie in blind soccer. Blind soccer teams are made up of four outfield players and one goalkeeper. Outfield players are visually impaired,

which means they are completely blind, have very, very low visual acuity, and or no light perception, whilst the goalkeeper must be sighted or partially sighted. What weird rules. What about the inner bickering of stuff like that? He goes, he's got, he can't see good enough to be a goalie. This guy's full of shit. It's indoor. It's enclosed. The ball's hitting off the wall.

Yeah, because they kept going into the parking lot. And then it's closer to the goal. The penalty kick is closer to the goal. Can we remake the scene with Mickey talking to Rocky, but it's the blind goalie. He's like, I can goalie. I have partial sight. And he slaps on the face, goes, you didn't even see that coming,

did you, kid? I don't know. How hard is it going to be? Blind soccer, you know? Huh? Oh, you're going to get killed out there, kid. You're going to get shelled. Chasing a chicken with no wings?

He's just always chasing the chicken. And then he eats it. By the way, it's just a radio playing a chicken sound. It's just a blind kid running in circles. This thing's fucking fast. I think there's also somebody calling where the ball is, because they can't see the ball. So I think they're being visually told to your left

or something like that. I've been watching it. Your left or my left? Left. It didn't really help. I laughing it your left or my left left. It's great Really help. I still know which one that is. I just love when USA wins No matter what no matter what I want us to win For that reason is why you're endorsing Donald J. Trump for president. That's right. Jacob. Look out Taylor Swift. You just found competition Jacob

How many followers do you have we could probably make a dent in this thing Are you voting? Huh? Kid Rock dude. Yeah, that's your choices in the world now Kid Rocker Taylor Swift Kid Rock. No, I'm not voting. I don't I never vote me and I are going to Cuba to vote together No that week we're going to Cuba why to fix a machine to fix a voting machine Yeah, we're gonna have to fix the machines. You're still allowed to go to Cuba You can go to Cuba, but you have to get a visa, to fix a voting machine? Yeah, we're going out there to fix the machines. You're still allowed to go to Cuba? You can go to Cuba, but you have to get a Visa card,

like a card. You don't want them to stamp your passport because it will fuck you up coming back in. But you have to go for like a learning about the culture, some type of learning thing. You can't just go. You're not going to free your relatives from Guantanamo Bay? I'm not Cuban, I'm Irish. Oh. They're not Cuban in Guantanamo Bay. I'm not Cuban. I'm Irish. Oh

Yeah, they're not Cuban in Guantanamo Bay. I don't think no I don't think they I think they're all fucking Isis you make us think about that little Cuban Missile Crisis thing You just talked to you talked to Castro. I'm gonna go he's dead. Oh, but his brother though son fucking Gallagher Oh Castro too. He has the same closing with the fruits and shit. You say Batista's gone. The thing we were going around the room, the scene from Blow, you both remember the movie Blow? Of course.

The most shocking scene to me in that, first of all, the most beautiful scene was how Johnny Depp's hair looked when he went angry to that beach and found out that his guy from jail was fucking him over. God, his hair looked good. God, Johnny Depp's hair looked good. It was just falling out. It doesn't matter.

In the movie, when he goes back. Lou would like it. It's a wig. When he goes back, it's not a wig. Was that his hair? I don't think that was his hair. One of them was his hair in that movie. Something had to be his hair. You think Boston George is wearing a wig?

At some point, he was wearing lots of wigs. But Lou just dumped his black girlfriend because she wears wigs. But I understand. I do. He doesn't know what she looks like still. There's too many dates to not know what she looks like. She wears a different wig every date. Every date. And that means you don't know what she looks like because she looks totally different without a hair with that. Who knows how short that hair is. Did she ever let you pick him out? Like before you go on a date, she's like, look, I got A, B, and C here. Which one are you thinking?

She waited till he showed up to see what colors he was wearing. And that's the wing. Oh, Chaka Khan. I get it. She stands next to a picture of Lou and does this with two wigs. Like, mm, mm-hmm. No? Scat-a-cap? Mm. Scat-a-cap? No. Mm.

But the scene in Blow that blew my mind the most was when he went home, and his dad and mom took him in and he was talking, he was all kind of washed up at this point and had nowhere else to go and then his mom called the fucking cops on him. And she was like, you're a piece of shit and I'm not gonna have you in this house. I was like, man, that's not my mom.

My mom, except my dad doesn't know my middle name. My mom. Because he didn't know my middle name my mom Because he didn't give it to you. He didn't give it to me But he did always say Gare if you're listening out there bud Thank you for not making sure I wasn't named Oscar Okerson. That was his that was his call Jason doesn't rule But it's way better than being a fat kid named Oscar Okerson in Philadelphia That would've been a nightmare. You sound like the big O.

The big O? Dude, the double O. It just sounds like it comes with a tuba soundtrack. Every time you walk around, it's like, hmm. It's a fat kid that owns a hot dog company. Yeah, you would never have survived. Your initials are what you say when you see a sandwich? Yeah.

I may have been a young mogul in the sandwich world or something, but I would have died young for sure. I would have died young without a doubt. Can you say Tony Luke died? Is he? I thought you said, didn't he say his son or something started a new thing? No, that was Geno's.

Geno, the guy who owned Geno, he died and his son took it over. But someone said there's a place now, it's like, someone's telling me Tony Luke's isn't called Tony Luke's now, it's like Tony and Steve's or something, that's weird. I don't know about that, Tony Luke's is good though. It's all good. It's real good. But what his mom took my question with,

my mom, she definitely would have let me, my mom was definitely like, you're gonna spend the night in jail if I got something like that, like you're gonna learn your lesson. Like she wasn't really big on like getting me out of trouble, but there's no fucking way she would like turn me into the, cause I was making the thing we were talking

about, Kimowitz, you know, the late Kimowitz, what happened where I was like, I used to be so mad at the guy who killed him's mom, cause she was trying to get him out of the country. And then I was like, I kind of let that go, cause I'm like, my, so if I killed Christine Grizzly, my mom, while not being into that, would help try to get me the fuck out of trouble.

Out of the country. Out of the country for sure. And I remember my mom, the night I, when I did that, when I robbed that pizza store, the warrant got lost. So I remember I was getting fucked up and a cop pulled up and he's like, what's your name? I was like, Bobby Kelly.

He's like, there's a warrant for you, I'm going to get it. So if you don't wanna get arrested, get the fuck off the street tonight. And he went back, got it, went to my house, I remember this now, and he's like, is your son here? We have a warrant for his arrest. And she said, I know where he is. And I was out in front of the liquor store

trying to get a buyer, because back then, remember getting a buyer? And the cop car pulled up. I know I didn't do that, I was a good boy, but I do know what you did. The cop car pulled up and I was fucked up. And my mother was in the back seat. And she just went, come here.

And I just, you know, your mother says come here, I don't know why, you just go. I went in the car and I went to jail. And then a week later when I was in court, my bail was 10 bucks and she just let me go to jail. Jesus Christ. But in hindsight, she did the best thing. Well 10 bucks for inflation, that's like at least 40 now.

In hindsight, she did the right thing. I get getting the message and the thing, get in trouble and all that, I get all those things, but I really like, my mom would just, no way. She would try to get me out of fucking, would your mom turn you in? Dude, my grandmother told the mailman when they were dropping off jury duty summonses

that I moved six years earlier, like when I first turned 18. My grandmother would literally be like, I haven't seen him in 10 years. I was upstairs. For a long time I was, I wasn't avoiding it, but I just kept missing the thing when you turn 18,

do they still do this? You have to sign up for social services? Yeah. Still have to do that, the draft? Now women have to do it. You basically sign up for the draft, more or less. But it's also like you're registering the vote, it's like everything at once.

Women have to sign up for the draft? Now, yeah, I think they just changed it. That's hilarious. Hope Don gets, Christine and Don get drafted. That'd be fucking great, dude. Yeah, draft ends at 34. Christine, I hope this letter finds you well. It's been hard here without you taking care of the dog and all. Everybody's mad at the shitty food they have over there.

But this is the life of being married to a grunt. Christine's a grunt. You as an army husband? That's great. I would do USO shows. That would be so great. Decorating. Me and Jay just go great. I would do USO shows. That would be so great, decorating. Me and Jay just go over there to visit them doing our shows.

Oh my god. Well, you know, a couple military wives. We kiss them before they leave. We put our legs up. Oh Bobby, you just started drinking. We're going to have a little rosé on Sundays. Who's to stop us, right? This is the freedom they're fighting for. Thanks, girls. We just want to fuck everybody else. Thanks, gals. Would your mother fucking bag you like that? Girls we just fucking everybody else Thanks guys Would your mother

Fucking bag you like that no God no the well Boston George though to be fair his mom comes in the house When he's at the top before he's washed out, and she's still like I'm washing my hands of this I think you dirty. I think you're a piece of garbage like cunt the whole time She kept it real and when he was finally like now you down and out you're gonna come to me Fuck you, dude. You're out of here, but he wasn't booting her out She didn't want no parts of it and now he's like I'm down now He came back to her hat in hand dude, and she caught the fuck and maybe it's something Oh, did Ray Liotta that hit me man Ray Liotta

I don't even know why I don't have like a similar thing but Ray Liotta really being like No, like he couldn't believe his wife did it. Are you fucking kidding me? That's crazy Maybe it's something with Boston. They just rat their kids out Yeah, you're yelling on the streets you dumb bitch What a rat. Everyone knows you're a drug dealer. Yeah, now you're yelling on the street, you dumb bitch. How do you think that reflects on me? See, that was actually the whole angle, though,

was how it reflected on her. It wasn't like, that's why she sucks. Like, your mom maybe thought you knew what she was doing the right thing. My mom was doing it to help me, and she was crying. Also, you know, get a weekend alone. Yeah, she was going, you know what you make me look like in the neighborhood?

Robbing a pizza store, you piece of shit? But I was telling you the thing beforehand that my mom, though, when I said I lied telling you the thing beforehand that my mom know, when I tell her, I lied, you may have heard the story before too, Mike, but I lied about fucking a girl in high school. Instead of that just getting worked out by getting caught that I'm lying and having to say sorry to somebody,

it was like a thing. Parents called and involved and everything, yeah. Because she skits down. She really did not want anyone to think she fucked me. She was against the idea. He had to apologize in a suit in the auditorium. In front of the school. In front of the school.

Wow. Do you remember your apology? I remember the first sentence. What was it? I tried to be funny and I was like, as you probably guessed, when you heard it, I did not have sex with Carly Roadside. Yeah, what I didn't even lie, what happened was,

I was friends with her, and we would cut school together a lot, but I mean, she lives on my grandmother's block where I stayed all the time, so I would, that was like a sneak out of the house and go to her house, and she would, we would kiss a little, and I remember holding her tits once, but there was no fucking or anything. We were pretty young. I guess people probably were fucking at that age,

but this wasn't where I thought it was going at all. But I was hoping something would happen more, and I liked her, but she wanted to hang all the time. And then one day, Liam was like, well, you weren't in school today again? I go, yeah, I went to Carly's house, and he was like, pfft. And I just started doing enough,

basically, you're a fucking queer if you're not fucking her. So I had to do like the, fff. And what do you think, dude? I'm over there a couple times a week, like cutting school, so like, right? And then that kid liked her. Scott something, Scott something.

And you weren't fucking her, you're just over there like putting like paper bags on her books, helping her with fucking homework. No, listening to music, watching some like TV stuff. You know, Ryan Reynolds and Jess Friends. Oh. Damn. I swear.

Oh yeah. Absolutely. And she, but yeah, so like she, I told the girls, yeah, you know, whatever, but he liked her, I didn't know that. And then she liked him too. And they were hanging out after school one day and she was like, you, you know whatever, but he liked her. I didn't know that. And then, and she liked him too. And they were hanging out after school one day and she was like, you know, they were doing the,

I like you, I like you. And he was like, yeah, but I mean, if you know, you're already fucking Jay. And she was like, excuse me what? And I was like, right fucking, and then I was, by the time that got back to me, dude, it was her parents calling saying they were gonna sue me for a defamation of, what hurt so much about this,

I was like, most people have to apologize for this. She was so grizzed out by the idea of anyone thinking this at all, that it was like, huge. And I had to go to school with my mom, and we sat with that principal, I remember when they said that, that's what I said, thinking your mom's a little cooler

than she is, knowing that actually in hindsight, we shouldn't have done this. This did not build character for me I would say. But the guy, Principal Harris, he called us in and he was like, well we have an issue. He goes, the parents are so involved, like you're gonna have to, you're gonna be expelled. Expelled.

Can you get expelled for lying about fucking somebody? He said he could. I don't think you can. And I don't know if you can... They also can't sue you for defamation. My mother... They can't sue you for being a lying little chubby guy. My mother would be happy to support all of this.

I should get my mom on the phone. The judge would see you and be like, come on. What's he gonna do? We should get my mom. No one probably believed me. I only told one person And you didn't even tell him you let him infer Absolutely, what are you doing? We're doing very important that I said that I never said your assembly speech. No

No, the assembly started by says you you probably guessed when I said it I did not have sex with Carly roadside if you heard that But sitting there laughing and he goes that when goes, you're gonna have to do this. And then the assembly ended up being, it was me giving that thing, and then like a thing about like lying about people and how that can like ruin lives. Oh, did you have to give that part? No, no, no, no.

He gave that part. There was, no, no, no, not a principle. They had like a person come in. So everybody had to learn about lying because of little sad chubby Jay. Little fat Jay. Little fat Jay is dumb. Now every year they have to go through a lying seminar

at the beginning of the year. How lying can we, it was Steve Renna's easy. Jokes on, hey. Jokes on Carly though, because when she went to the bathroom one time, I took some underwear, a pair of underwear out of her laundry and whacked off to what I can only assume is something grotesque that came out of her

on those panties. But it was a big deal to me. We're all in shock. We're all like what? Bobby Shock me at all Bobby you took a pair of panties from a chick before never sure ever in my life That was my only time but I had those panties. They were blue I remember them shits never ever took a pair of panties and I just would I'd whack off like this Let's look at them fucking whack. Oh, I just went and I'd whack off, he's like this, just look at him, fucking whack off. One time, I did it one time.

Thank you. It was a real, my mom had, fuck, this is dumb, I'm never gonna talk about it. You're not gonna tell it? No, I'm serious. No, you have it now, it's a story with my mom. Well wait, before you get to that,

let me finish telling you a thing about my mom. Your mom's Brazilian. Because I keep stopping on this point, the principal was like, you're gonna give this, you're gonna make a public apology in the school or you're gonna be expelled. And I remember saying some words to the effect of my mom of like,

well, you know what, maybe the next city will treat us a little bit better, mom. We're gonna move on. And she was like, no, you're going to, like the other choice is like pay for Catholic school, which we're Jewish, so I can even go to. Not only were you staying here, were you going to a black summer school, teach you a lesson. And they took me to like pay for like Catholic school, which I'm we're Jewish So I can't even go there. Were you going to a black summer school?

Teach you a lesson. And they took me to a like whatever you'd call like whatever I forget like a gimbals or fucking strawberges and I had to go buy a husky. I remember a gray, shiny gray suit in the husky section. That's the worst. That's the worst punishment for a chubby kid. A suit.

They got you an Italian lawyer suit. Yes. Absolutely a shiny fucking not only you're gonna have to give a speech you're gonna have to wear a belt and a tie I look like I look like a fucking the tiniest public defender I think Bobby's correct though I think black summer school would have been so much worse of a punishment for this particular crime you did yeah oh you never got no pussy before and you then you're like, your instinct is to lie to these black kids.

But that's why you got there. You should have lied to them. You'll give me some money. Sorry, guys, I didn't do good in school, so I have to come to summer school because I got too much pussy. He's learned nothing. And then they go, hey, this guy got pussy.

He goes, no, he's lying again. No, this guy never learns. You're like the Zero Cool from Hackers of Lying on Pussy. Zero. Wow, I never learned you're like the zero cool from hackers Man I really that was a dumb one and my mom but there was so fat I mean, I remember when we left even I was like mom We don't even love this apartment. We live in like there's no we have no ties here Now you're fucking gonna do we have. Jay just put a fucking broomstick through his backpack right there, slugging over his shoulder. You were going to be the end of the Hulk.

We have no ties, but you're going to get one. Just Hulk into the next town. You're going to get a tie, chubby, and you're going to put it on and go give a speech. How did you, I don't know how, you had all this big incident with the girl, right? So you must have not been friends after. How did you get a pair of panties?

Did you have to sneak into a room like a cat burglar? No, no, we would cut school and just go to her house. She was a basement kid. They gave her, like, the finished basement of her room. Sick, sick. So I could just go through the back door. My grandmom's leaving, my grandma's back door, and go in her back door.

Nice. But we were in her thing, and so in her messy, messy room, as we've all learned as we get older, I assume that women are much more disgusting than men with their stuff when you meet them. And her room was pretty messy, and she just had like a kind of a sloppy hamper in her closet. And then she went to the bathroom one time, and I did a little, ah, there they go. Hey, I gotta get out of here. Hey, I went, whoop, ah, there they go. Hey, I gotta get outta here.

Hey, I gotta get outta here and whack off real quick to your panties. You put them in your back pocket and that's why you wear scarfs in your back pocket. Yeah, that's a memory of Carly's panties. I think she became a lesbian, probably my fault. I think I turned her. But that was a- So wait, she's dating somebody that looks

like you now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's Hannah Gatsby's wife. Man, that was fucking wild. Yeah, Carly Ryne. It's funny, I even think a few years back, or several years back now, seeing her on Facebook or something, I don't know if I've found her in years now, but at one point I did have, I was like, oh, this is her. And I messaged her and I go, man, I really did like anything like this, especially when you do comedy, like right away, I'm like, oh, I remember the thing,

and I just go, oh, and I had to go make an apology in the school, and like she doesn't even respond. And I asked another friend of mine who like was friends with her back in the time too and she was like, oh yeah, no, that, like she's not gonna, like she, like if she even was like, oh that's nice and looked up anything about me,

she'd be like, oh she'll hate, like she's like a super Libby, like lesbian and stuff and the way around, she was like, she'll hate. What did you do? And I'm like, oh my God. You should send the panties back to her. I don't know where those panties are at, but man, there was...

Yeah, I have to end this story. These are for you. Those panties were, there was... You have to break the cycle. There was something on that cotton part in the middle. Yeah, in hindsight. It was from your friend. It's funny, I know.

The other kid that told her, Scott, he wasn't my friend, that son of a bitch. If I would've just never, talk about those moments, if I would've just never seen him just walking home that day, and also not going to my grandmoms, because if I go to my grandmoms, I would've went up, but I went to my place, which was walking through the park where people were coming home from school,

and he was just like, where were you today? Damn it! Couldn't have avoided that whole thing. But then we wouldn't have had this moment, and I wouldn't have had that little suit. All right. So you could have fought that, dude. You should have fought, we're gonna sue you.

Nobody's gonna sue anybody for lying about pussy. Her parents got on the phone with me that night and said they were gonna sue me for defamation of character. And that's what I'm like, what hurt most is no one keeps realizing how upset this girl is. I'm like, I know friends who have done this outright. Been like, I fucked so and so.

And then it's like, months later someone goes, well you fucked so and so. I was like, what? I never fucked. And the guy's like, all right. I mean we didn't fuck, but we made out. And whatever their back pedal is. And it just, it was settled there

But my first finding out about I was like, hey Carly's mom and dad are on the phone I want to talk to you my mom and I'm like, what's that? The first time it turned into a special victims unit chasing me out Cursing me on don't let you cuz I was friends with her So it's like you've had dinner at our house You know all those things you start going like I know, and I do wanna fuck your daughter. I just was panicking in a moment. I have her underwear. I wanted to impress Scott.

You know what, you're lucky. I didn't want Scott to be a dork. You're lucky they didn't go any further because if they would have found her underwear in your dream. Oh, shit. Oh, he goes, what about this? And I go, okay. There is an explanation for that.

Yeah, but had I gone to trial, that would be the discovery. Yeah, he goes, what about the holding on a pencil end? And I go, okay, there is an explanation for that. Yeah, but I'd gone to trial, that would be the discovery. Yeah, he goes, what about the holding on a pencil end? And I go, okay, I do masturbate to those. Guilty. Did you keep it or did you burn them? Were you terrified? No, he wore them out. Burned?

After they found out, were you like, I got evidence? That's a great question. You used them as a pocket square in the city. I'm thinking you were terrified. No, I think I had a- That would have been a fun move, as he gave his little apology speech, her underwear sticking out.

Well, the snap back on that, now I didn't get rid of them, that never came down, but the other thing I had was a- Like a serial killer. You were gonna keep it no matter what. Colin Quinn was a person, I think I even showed these to,

this is how early in comedy and I was trying to impress people. But I had taken pictures, I think you've played for some scaring sports too, but I took pictures of a girl, this girl Desiree, again so not threatened by me, she wanted me to take the picture she was gonna submit to Playboy for her.

Asked me for what the picture should look like, she said, you're a guy who probably seen Playboy, well how should I pose? I go, I'll bring over some magazine clippings so you can see what the pose's like. And I brought two Playboy things and eight high society magazines, it's like spread pussy lift stuff.

So this girl poses in all these pictures, I get the pictures developed and I ask the guy, this old man, he knew what I was doing, I go, can you make doubles of these? But don't mark it as you've made doubles. Two singles, please. And he's like, gotcha. And I go, and keep a few for yourself,

you like what you see in there. And so I got him back. This underage girl? No, she was underage. I gave her the pictures and I kept the badge, unbeknownst to her. I just kind of had them for myself, just to whack it to her. You didn't sell them to your uncle to make money? I did not sell them to my uncle.

Not on this time. So I remember one time I was getting my car fixed. I worked at a car dealership, like the auto parts section. So the suit came in use. Yeah, yeah. And this guy, there was just some dude who was, they were like, oh if you go over and ask the Honda people, I had a Honda, they go, if you ask them, the garage guys,

they'll fix your brakes for like, throw them like 50 bucks or something. And I was like, oh that's great. So I go over to this guy, he's like, yeah sure, I'll do it, he puts it on the lane, we're just bullshitting, he's like, where do you live? And I'm telling him, he goes, ah dude, PJ Saloon man, that's right in your neighborhood, that's like my favorite, sure, I'll do it. He puts it on the land. We're just bullshitting. He's like, where do you live? And I'm telling him, he goes, ah, dude, PJ Saloon, man. That's right in your neighborhood.

That's like my favorite dive bar. I'm there every night. And I go, oh, is it my friend works there? She's like a waitress or something. I go, my friend Des right. And he's like, dude, I am so in love with that girl. I'm so in love with that girl. She's so hot.

And she's like a dream girl. And I was like, yeah? Oh, no. Would you do these breaks for free a dream girl. And I was like, yeah? Oh no. Would you do these breaks for free if I showed you a couple of pictures of her and Nick? He goes, no way. So I show him with, I mean, I'm hammering home, bro. You cannot say anything about this.

You should be sued for this. But this was a stranger. This wasn't even Scott. This is actually against the law. Probably. Yeah, not really. This is revenge porn. Yeah, this should have been should have been so there's no revenge to it I was there's no problem with me and Desiree at all no you sold her porn to get free breaks I

sold nothing you I showed oh you read it but oh no these weren't I didn't give anybody anybody you know you didn't give money use that as the monetary value her pussy him taking a peek at these pictures. Well, you're a pimp. Sure. Okay. Accepted. So she, I know I gotta wrap this up.

So I had my pictures, but that kid, and I had to tell him, I go, dude, she doesn't know I have these doubles. Have you learned your lesson at all? That you can't fucking trust people? No, now you've made a good career of this. I don't show people dirty pictures ever, really. It's not my game.

You should have a suit just ready to go. You're a piece of shit. But always an apology suit. So. Christine, you better hope he doesn't have pictures of you. I do have pictures of Christine. You wanna see them? Yeah.

What will you do for me? I can change your spark plug. You guys wanna see him? Yeah, what will you do for me? You help me stay you guys don't help me stay my deck this next week Now so I had these pay I show the guy please I'm begging you just can't tell this sucks Like it'll be in trouble goes buddy. I got you. I mean the next night He goes that bar gets hammered his excuse. I didn't tell her, he told another waitress. He was like, god, I'm so in love with your friend over there. He goes, I saw naked pictures over the other day. And so that's all that trickled back.

He didn't know my name at all. We didn't know each other. I just met that guy that day. You gotta go give a speech at a bar. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Change his ad in AA meeting. Everybody, real quick. Hi, I'm Jay. Yeah. Nice shoot, Fanny. Yeah, you probably heard. Yeah, back for seconds, everybody. Suit's getting a lot of use. So, of course, he said to her friend,

like I saw him make a pic, and she knows, there's only one human being who this could be. It doesn't matter, he didn't say my name. It's one person could possibly, she goes, this isn't a cell phone. Mark from the photo hunt? Yeah, this isn't cell phone days. So this is like picture, you know, so she's like,

Dude, you should have thrown the fucking Rite Aid guy under the bus, Harrison is correct, like immediately. Guys, a perv, the guy just developed into a perv. Didn't even think about that. What I just did was, she called me upset, and of course in the background on the phone is her boyfriend. Her boyfriend, who's doing like the,

who's doing like the, yo, tell him I'm coming over his house to fuck him up. He's doing all that shit. So what's fun? In the background. In the background, which is the phone. And they live in my same complex. So I'm going, and I remember some funny things,

like this guy's not a scary guy at all. And I'm cursing back at him. I'm like, fuck you, dude, come to my house. And I'm doing all that shit, the things in your head. And as soon as I hang up, I immediately go in my head. I go, he's coming over with justified fury. And I'm going out there talking all this shit. And I'm completely in the wrong.

And he never came over, but in panic, I cut those pictures up and flushed them down the toilet. Like cocaine? Biggest regret of my life to this day. Biggest regret of my life to this day. No repercussions whatsoever. The negatives are still in a drop ceiling, so I'm sure. I'm sure.

Chris Vega and Mike Harrington will be hosting Armored Combat in Perryville. That's gonna be fun as shit. Maryland together on Saturday night the 21st at Fifth Company Brewery. Mike's gonna also be this weekend hosting Micro Wrestling. Ryan Chayner. Chris is gonna be on the road with Louis J Gomez in Atlanta Orlando and Virginia Beach Yeah, go to Robert Kelly live.com. He's got Cleveland coming up so much stuff

We've been coming up a bunch of stuff punch up dot live slash Robert Kelly go there Addison improv for me this week I got a new app out punch up live. You got to get on it, dude They got a new app go on it wherever you're playing It knows where you're at and it knows where you're at, and it knows the emails, you push the button, it sends emails out to all the people in that area. I'm gone. You own this company?

Buddy, there's a fucking app. You can just email the people in Cleveland. It sounds like a great product. I'm just curious if you can spell it. I'll be in Addison, Texas this weekend with Mike Finoy, everybody. Come check it out. Omaha, after that, Skankfest, bigjcomedy.com we love you guys enjoy the pre-record tomorrow and we'll be back Monday I won't be here I'll be on my way to Monday Night Football

podcast podcast podcast go check out the podcast notes of a goon me and Ari Shafir will be here on Monday we'll miss you Jay. Yes I told Alex Carlotto I would say Alex Carlotto's name at least three times while I'm here, so I love you, Alex Scarlato. Oh, I love her too, Alex Scarlato, that's three. Bye!