The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Bonfire Holiday Spectacular 2023

Episode Date: December 22, 2023

The annual Bonfire Christmas Spectacular kicks off with Joe DeRosa reading mean Reddit posts and finishes with Keith Robinson as Black Santa! Recorded before a packed crowd at the world famous Village Underground in New York City!

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. Ocasin. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of the Bonfire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now, the Bonfire holiday spectacular live from the village underground in New York City. What's up? What's up? Very pretty. Very pretty. Very pretty.

What's up? What's up? What's up? Very pretty. Very pretty. What's up? What's up? Very pretty.

Very pretty. Very pretty. Very pretty. Very pretty. Very pretty. What's up? What's up? What's up?

Very pretty. Very pretty. Very pretty. Very pretty. Very everybody. What's up, Merry Christmas. Oh, this chair, this chair is a little fun. That is a funny one. Thank God I lost the weight. Is this what I've been a fucking nightmare? Oh, great for the show. What's happening, everybody? How you doing?

Who's playing the fucking drums? No, buddy, but there's another show happening later where they have a groovy black dude play the drums. And then Josh Adam Myers comes up and sings at the audience. You got nice hair! Thank you! You welcome motherfucker! Who's got a big dick between you and this guy? This guy's murdered hookers before! I mean, dude, you're fucking... How'd you get front row, man? Tell me the name of the last hooker you murdered!

Diamonds, damn, that was fast. Diamonds, dude! Damn, that was fast. Damn it. Dude, what's up? What's up with your hair? What are you doing? Make a fucking decision, dude. Either keep it, or fucking lose it. I don't mind the idea. You have a Bruce Willis hairline,

and you just mo-hawked it from the widow's peak all the way back. I don't have a problem with that at all. I have a problem with it. You look like a fucking old baby. And I don't like it. It does. If he was my friend, I would call him a sweet pea. You styled it. What's the name of the product you put in your foe hawk bro Old spice you use Jesus Christ

You got as a CVS last second present Where are you from brother? Nice He was fucking pumped She's hilarious she was missed that nylon three years running I Data I did it a hot satin Allen at one time really yeah, I just didn't want to take a boat for pussy Yeah, that made me sad on the way home. I heard I feel like Bobby's Mike's whacking out. I am Mike is whacking out.

All right, relax you fucking angry nerd. Well, fucking Jesus. Thank you very much. Nice. God. All you did was play with the Mike. Are you from serious? Fine.

That's right. Where's Big Jim? Big Jim. That's a. That's fixed. That's fixed. Where's Big Jim? Big Jim? That's a real note. Everything doesn't work. It's serious. This guy can't stop eating you fucking piece of shit. Is this way, this is Melissa from the... Hey, Melissa!

Stan! It's the mama bear, the jerk off parties. It's exactly what it sounds like. She likes to watch you guys finish. She's with her husband that look exactly like me. That's weird. Hey, Melissa! That sucks.

I fucking haunts my dreams. It should haunt your dreams. What, ever, dude? I mean, not whatever, dude. Is my, I take it as my personal job to make sure you never have to be in a position to dress up in a toga with fucking fairy wings for money. First of all, thank you for saving me. Second of all, I made 350 bucks.

Yeah. You think Melissa's your friend, but I'll tell you what, she was more like, dance monkey. And you were like, huh? You didn't even buy it. Someone got it for you. Who bought it for you? Aaron.

Aaron. Who the fuck's Aaron? I'll tell you who it is. It's the guy who wanted to watch you humiliate yourself for money Aaron was like I bet I'll do whatever I say I bet I'll hold a little bow and arrow I Still have the outfit In case things go bad on the bonfire Did your son what would you do if your son wander into the room?

Look at we both have stupid hats on right now. This is festive. It's different. We shouldn't choose to crew everybody. We get away from our self-sultant times. Yeah, we get amazing. We do. We have in the fucking house everybody.

How about for our main man returning back to the show live, Motherfucking Black, Lou, everybody on Blight. Back to you. Lou! Yo, yo, yo. Come over here. Show yourself. Live, motherfucking Black Lou, everybody on Blades. Yeah. Yo, yo, yo. Come over here. Show yourself. Come over here.

You little stalky motherfucker. Get up here. I'm so stalky. My guys. Black, what are you going to set there? You probably know how to play drums. What if he's like, I don't, but he picks up the sticks Well, you can set there. You probably know how to play drums. Oh. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

What if he's like, I don't, but he picks up the sticks and just fucking starts going like he did the whole time. Ha. And of course we have your beautiful, what is she? She's the queen, the queen. Yeah. Look, is she the best?

I don't know. She's, she's awesome. But is she at least what I deserve no doubt everybody You know for messy She is high sexy When me and Christine fight and I go, you ain't shit and she goes, that's what you deserve. And we have, I'm sure the next person

we're going to introduce is by a hot water heater somewhere. He came in the back next to the boiler room and he goes, perfect. Yeah. I swear to God. Stuck his hands in the frialator and rubbed it on his nuts. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jacob. Woo! The top. Jacob the top.

The chilliest boy in the radio. Look at you. Look at you. No jacket or anything. I'll tuck it off for the show. You took it off for the show? You're freezing that you can't wear it. Are you cold? I am.

I ain't gonna lie, it's Christmas. You're a dervish. I love those little thumb and his little pocket. You're so cold. You're so adorable. The coldest boy, everybody. And, uh. Come sit on my lap. Come sit up here.

Come up here. Come up here, a little cutie-pittuti. Sit right here. Sit right there, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're so um... Look, I know you love Dan, but I love you. I love you.

Jacob... I feel like we bonded fast. We bonded too fast. Jacob, I want to tell you something. I don't want to see you ever in a fight. It would break my heart, but I feel like you should get into a fight because I can't get out of my head that when young Maximus Kelly pretends it's due to you and Bobby said, Max, stop. And Max goes,

I wasn't gonna hurt him, Dad. I feel like you got a fucking show of the world what you're made of, bro. You wanted to fight my son, didn't you? Of course he did. What did you say to him again? He wanted to flatten him out. He wanted to fight me.

Oh! You didn't like what you were just sitting here with your little bum hanging on my leg, didn't you? No, I like it. Did you laugh? It's half my fault. I didn't also want to break his heart because I thought to myself, I mean, you're slightly taller than me. I don't know how tall Don is. Yeah.

But I didn't want to say he's probably going to be my height. Oh, he's going to be way taller than you. I don't know, but I don't think to say he's probably going to be my height. Oh, he's going to be way taller than you. I don't know, but I don't think so, Bobby. He put his hand on the back of your head at one point. Because you let him do that. Yes. Yeah, I don't want to. There is a note there, Bobby.

There's a real note there. You did let him attack an adult. How am I going to teach him, Jay? I don't know. I get to let him start small and then work his way up to a real man. You're not wrong. If I don't have solutions, Jay. I don't know. I don't let him start small and then my work is way up to a real man. You're not wrong. If I don't have solutions, I should just shut my dumb,

whore mouth. I could take your 10-year-old son in a fight. Then it's on. Next live show, Max and Jacob. I say, Stigfist Vegas. For a free four. Good of Max.

If Max hurt you, I feel so bad. I would be so bad. Just see, Jay, go. All right, that's it. I would take a, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Bobby and fairness, your son lives in a world in his head where he believes he could beat the shit a Jacob. That does have to be rectified in some way. That comes from the parents. But I don't want you coming on my son. You let him run all over this cruise ship like he owned the... Like he was capped and stooping. I found another E-Clair in his bag. That's right.

He robbed the cruise ship. He's a Somali boat pirate. There's a little mini fucking E-Clair in his little side pocket on his backpack. Piece of shit, he's a fatty just like daddy. Cheers. I wanted you, like I know your past, I mean, we all want, wish that you would have had a father that cared and loved for you, like I know your past, I, we all want, wished that you would have had a father

that cared and loved for you, the way you care for your son. But at the same time, maybe you wanna be 10% what your dad was. Which dad? Which dad? Which dad? The worst one, I don't know.

The violent one? Yeah. I'm gonna fucking cry. I didn't know we were going down this road. No listen, you didn't do it, but there was a... I could have talked. Do not play a fucking soundbad, because I fucking get emotional. I get emotional, it sounds bad. The night we went to see Kiss' final show, I almost stopped.

I thought I almost stopped. I almost got Max, Bobby stopped him last second. I almost got Max to tear down a wall of Kit-Napt's Rayleigh posters. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You can't listen to me. Can I, I want to say something.

I told him if he doesn't, I'll consider him a man. I wasn't even going to bring that up. He went right to the wall. He was going to do it. Yeah. Look, man, Gaza is, you know, I mean, listen, you honest. Yeah, move on. Let's move on. is, no. I mean, listen, you're honest. Yeah, move on.

Let's move on. We are in a Jewish place. He's been saying that all God did week till. What did you wish place? He's been saying that to his mom all week. Mom, if I go over and open up all the Coke Zero, will you consider me a man? It's good.

And then she hit him. These are the ways he's going to learn. We have to trick Dawn into hitting him because you would let him fight Jacob. I'm not going to, I'm not going to, I'm not going to, you want me to hit my kid? No, but it's hilarious that you have, that he feels you're protecting Jacob from his fury. Yeah. He really felt confident in that he could take me. I think he, I know I could take him.

I know I could beat up your son. I don't, listen. I'm gonna let this go down. I'm just saying, I'm gonna let this go down. I will knock your son out. Okay, okay, okay, okay. It's something to me right now. That's fucking coming up.

I know it is and I love you Jacob I love you Jacob and you're a piece of shit for making this you're just you're got them a shitty mouth You're so good at it. You're so good at these life lessons. It's not like I want to do this Take up. I don't think you can take Max. This is why I have to do this. Okay. I just, all right. You believe this? In a fair fight.

That's why you're Sunday. In a fair fight. Do you have what you think I need a brass knuckles to beat yourself? No. I'm going to give Max a pair of nunchucks. I think Jacob takes Max with nunjucks. And you know I carry blades. You got to stab my son.

Jesus Christ. What kind of fucking Christmas show is this, Jake? I got to be honest with you. I didn't see that coming. What the fuck? I was going to throw you some of the knife. We reenact the subway fight that you had. That's it.

That's bullshit. That's hurt. That's going too far. That's too far. That's fucking too far. bullshit. That's that hurt. That's going too far. That's too far. That's fucking too far.

Listen, I will let Max fight you at Skankfest. I will let it happen. But would you sold Skankfest out in record time? Jacob V. Max? We do three battles. What is it? We do fighting. We do jujitsu, and then we do dance. Dance all the way.

What does it say? You're not going to beat him in dance? What does it say about me that I'm going to train hard to fight? Like I really... Like there's a part of me that wants to know, I gotta be in peak shape for this. No, Jacob. I don't.

If you train and get in peak shape, it looks lame. You should gain 15 pounds of pure fat and then go beat up a child because that's how the world works, man. That can't be you. I'm not gonna work out. Yeah, if you train like Rocky, you're a pussy. You just roll an extra box and coach. No training. I'm gonna start training Max right now.

Go ahead. Bobby, train him every day. Make him fucking run behind a bicycle you're riding and all that crazy shit. I got a train too. No, you got to ride a bicycle. I'm riding a fucking bike. What are you crazy?

You can do an e-bike. What if I walk up a hill? By the way, Bobby, where do you think this magic height he's gonna get is coming from you're not all Don's not tall. He's my height. Don's father is six don's father and brother six four each Bobby is my size right now. I don't know how to break it to you Bobby. What but Jacob is going to floor your son He's gonna catch him on the button the button with an adult man arm punch. I guarantee you. His little baby boy cheeks are going to fucking break and you're going to feel like a monster forgetting wrapped up into this and promoting him into a fight that he shouldn't be in.

Just tell him, Max, you can't beat up adults. You'd rather have him go through a full training session and fight Jacob before you let him believe he can't beat up adults. I got one thing to say, you got a year, bitch. And I'm not even looking at your face. Look, I'm not looking at you, but I'm talking to you and I'm pointing at you.

My son Maximus, Donald McKelley, is gonna choke Jacob Patat the fuck up. Jacob? All right. Jacob, train not at all. Don't learn one more thing about fun than you know right now. And you're gonna win this thing, dude.

Jay, he's 11! You know what I have in me? He's 10. He's 10! He'll be 11 by then. He will be 11. Bobby doesn't know I have the rage of a short kid that was beat up in school.

When I was 10, I could go now it's payback. Your son is the payback. And I never get to have. Got to have. You're going to, your son couldn't look more of the guy than a hung Jacob in a locker. You're so right. I can tell you're rage by the way you're

a death-gripping that microphone. Jacob's hot. Like I said, I'm going to sit back. He honest did Max really fuck him, did he bug you that night? The way he was man-handling you. He didn't bother me. He did it, Paulie. When he grabbed your head and shook it, you were like this. It was the lack of parenting.

Jacob a ton, everybody. Jacob a ton. Jacob Baton, everybody! Jacob Baton! And of course, is any barnfire show complete unless we have the life's blood of the entire show everybody, make some noise from other fucking DJs in the house. I work out. You know, I don't see myself as a twink. I'm sexy and I know it. Gonna do it by your people! DJ Blue. Yeah, stay there with me.

Mm-hmm. Look, I just put my son in a fucked up position. Max, bad news you have to fight my producer. I hope he beats him up, takes his clothes off and plays the sax over his limp body. That would be pretty impressive. Like a Simpsons episode. We have a guest. We have a great guest. We have a great guest for a segment we're doing. We're doing a segment. You know, it's Christmas time and we do the show, you know, for you guys to come in and have a great time, have some laughs, get out of the cold. But we also

want to give to you and we want to give to everybody. We have to give to, if we're going to give to you, we got to give to the trolls. Yeah, it's how you get bounce in the world. Yeah, you got to give to everybody. We have to give the critics there, say. And yeah, we have a... We have a segment that we're gonna do, where we're gonna go to Reddit. Oh, it's gonna be worse from some people than it is for other people. This gets pretty bad.

I have to assume. I'm not looking forward to this segment. Fuck you. I like the way you allow. You're on Reddit, right? You just probably want to your goddamn thing. It's going to be tough. Now, thankfully, we're not going to have to read these ourselves. And the idea is we're going to get each member of the crew is going to come up here and sit down and listen to their mean, terrible things that were said about them on the internet.

They deserve to be heard too. One time a year, we're going to let them be heard because we never, we know, we never read them. So, but we do have a Navy SEAL ring three times to tap out. You can ring this and it's a... You can bail. You're tau. If you can't take it. It's how much can you take?

And I gotta be honest with you, I work with Bobby now about nine months every week and I will say, we're pretty sensitive boys. You're very... We don't like people not liking us. It's... This is gonna suck And our crew is even more sensitive than that

So this should be pretty great. So we can't read these ourselves are going so we brought We got so we had to get somebody who would read these and enjoy reading And we couldn't think of a better person Now that's he's probably writing them. Yeah, he might be behind some of these. No, of course, everybody. It's the fucking hilarious Joe D'Rosa. D'Rosa.

Joe D'Rosa. Oh! Oh! Oh! Joey Roses! Joey Roses! Joey Roses! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Hey, Merry Christmas to the Bonfire family and fans. How are you guys? Doing all right. Good. How are you?

I'm all right. You seem happy. Well, you annoy me. I mean, you face annoys everybody. I don't like how you're up here. You know what we like to do here at the Bonfire folks? your face annoys everybody. I don't like how you're up here. You know what we like to do here at the Bonfire folks? I've done the show more times than you have.

And when it was time to step up, you didn't. You went and made a fucking sandwich. Go fuck yourself. Listen. What do you want from me? I threw a hook into an impractical joker and I tried to fucking ride that wave. Yeah, it's good wave. It's good wave. Oh my god, if Bobby could switch place for you right now, he would so hard Bobby and Sal talk fucking

Toe Furkey versus I would love to fucking talk about hookers and porn and the you I Did I porn when was last time to the last time I did the show was with you when DMC came on yeah, I the fucking talk about hookers and porn and the view. I did that. When was the last time I did the last time I did the shows with you when DMC came on? Yeah, I had a, yeah, he had to call me today about his money. Oh, yeah, that's right.

Bobby didn't pay me till today. Yeah. From those two episodes. When somebody fills in, when somebody fills in for somebody, we pay that person, you know, hey, here you go. And it was, what a week ago, it's been on me like the fucking mob with Ving. It was literally, it was like this much plus one cent.

Who does that? I didn't, I didn't total everything up. Christine did. But what's up with the one cent? I don't know, but I like it. It was part of the total. I didn't. Christine, what's with the one cent? I don't know, but I like it a total. It was part of the total. I didn't know. Christine, what's with the one cent?

For what the one cent? I know how math works, Bob. Yeah, I'm not paying the one cent. I go down. Great. I could, I could, I could call Bobby at 10 a.m. And he goes, yeah. Because he just knew something was up.

No, because whenever Joe calls you before noon, it's bad. It's not a good conversation. You go, you go, yeah. And I go, yeah, what's up? And you go, what do you need, dude? And I go, well, I don't know. I see on my calendar, I'm on my way to the village on the ground tonight to do your show yet another fucking favor.

And I still haven't gotten my money and he hung up on me and He hung up on me and I swear to God the second and I got my phone went you have money from Venmo for Robert Kelly Piece of shit. I mean what an asshole And then I called you back to tell you what I really was calling you about, which was I saw I just bought a house and thank you. And that's, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's fine. It's not paid off. Yeah.

It's too early to go away. You're too early to go away. You're too early to go away. You're too early to go away. You're too early to go away. You're too early to go away. You're too early to go away. You're too early to cross the way. You're too close to me, that's a vain. I put a down payment on a house. That's really what happened. And you know, it's stressful. And you're like, fuck, man, I got a responsibility now,

whatever. And I went on Instagram today, and I saw Berk Chrysler and Tom Zagore talking about how they just bought houses for poor people. And I fucking had a belt around my neck. I was going to fucking hang myself. I was going to do that, huh? They just bought houses for both of you.

Yeah, and they misdirected. Birds like, I donated 12 grand towards the house for the poor people. And then times when we were going to go, that was cheap. So what I did was I threw in half the money for the house and Berk goes, I threw in the other house, we just bought the house.

We bought the house for the poor people. And I'm like, you fucking cunts. Yeah, you're buying houses for strangers? I'm like, you fucking cunts. Yeah, you're buying houses for strangers? I know you, you mother fuckers. I need help! This cock suckers harassing his friends for a couple of hundred. It really stung.

And they just have throwaway house money. Decent house? I don't know. Probably. Throwaway house. Yeah. I mean, it was having that for humanity. I don't know. I think it was like a $300,000 house. D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d- Hey, dude, check this out. Me and Jay, we got some money together for you this Christmas. Yeah. Yeah. We paid for your house, dude.

We bought it off, dude. Yeah, we bought it off all $3,000. And now we want you to wear a tuxedo all the time and clean the place. Yeah. That'd be so great. I would do it. I would do it. I would out. I would out of this business. I want you to be like an Alfred. Happily. I would happily clean a house in the Tuxedo. So Joe's gonna be reading our mean social media.

We don't want to say mean tweets because Jimmy Fowl owns it, I think. Kimmel. Kimmel. I will take from him. This is Barn Fire Presents Mean Tweets. Who's, who we're going to go, uh, what's yours? Who's first up? DJ Lou.

DJ Lou. Who's first? Come on up. DJ Lou. Lou. Remember Lou. Listen Lou. Oh. Remember Lou? Listen Lou. Oh yeah, Lou.

Here. You have the bell, whenever you can't take it, you ring the bell three times. Okay. All right. Let's top out. How many's he has to get through? Lou only has five.

What? All right. I skim these. I didn't want to read them. They're all written by the same girl. Oh. You're having another buzz, like. I skim these I didn't want to read they're all written by the same girl I'm another Bud Light um some people have more than others DJ Lou only has five and I only kind of skim these because I want To really enjoy them for the first time on stage Such an evil guy, but I will tell you

Some of these are rough Not yours. All right, I'll just, okay, let's start. All right, number one, DJ Liu looks wise, White Liu is a six, maybe a 6.5, if he got in prime shape. That's not bad. That ain't good though.

Prime shape, you work so hard to become a 6.5. Tire, then I would have given him. The DJ Lou Morelite. New Joe is going to love this. DJ Lou Morelite, DJ Caboose with that fat ass. That's a compliment. I lost 12 pounds. I don't want to hear it. Lou is the bottom, stew is the top, and I hear they like it like that.

Come on. There's only two more. Oh. Lose bald head literally looks like a rum ham. I get hungry when I see it. Let me see, take the hat off. Let me see. Yeah. Do you remember the day he almost beat the shit out of us? Yes. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Do you remember the day he almost beat the shit out of it? It's because we were talking about his ass. He did, dude. He was so furious. Yeah. We were starting to forget that. Confident in his ass, he was on shanticks or something. And he just fucking, he said when he went on a commercial break, he was like, I almost walked out or fought you guys.

And all we were saying was he has a delicious dump her. This is kind of a long one. Okay, here we go, ready? It's painfully obvious that white Lou falls asleep in jeans and a t-shirt every night, because he drinks until he passes out on a nightly basis. Every person I've ever known to sleep in their outside clothes has a problem with the sauce.

That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal.

That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. That's a big deal. They weren't too bad. Jacob is next though. And this is where things start to heat up.

Jacob. Now Jacob, maybe the most loved character on the bottom fire. Non-on-line. Yes. I've read some of my shit and I hate it. I'm so upset in my apartment on my couch. Do you have your bell? Oh, do I?

Jacob. Oh, Jacob, try to get through a couple of them. I did not come up with this bit. Yeah, I know. This wasn't my idea. I know. Jimmy Kimmel's idea. Yeah.

By the way, for a guy that never gets fucked up, Jacob, you sound so much like you're on Coke all the time. Especially earlier, like, you're so unmeted. Yeah, dude. It's tension. Yeah. It's pure rage underneath everything. Yeah, it's something that you're going to uncork on.

Bobby's son. Yeah. Yeah. If he lets it loose, he turns green and big. Yeah. All right, ready? He's born with this voice. What can I do? Oh, shit, Jacob.

You got a two-pageer here. Yeah. God damn, Louis V. You got 12. Here we go, ready? Jacob Batat, the most handsome muppet I've ever seen. He said handsome muppet. That wasn't terrible. That's not bad.

You're handsome. But you do look like Kermit. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Jacob. Jacob is a super creep. In five years his picture will be on the news above the words molester. And no one will be surprised.

You're not fighting my kid anymore. Call it off. Call it off. He almost made me an accomplice what he was going to do to your boy. For the longest time I thought Jacob speaking was actually Christine speaking. That's bad. That's fucking bad. That does hurt. That hurts.

That's only three. That's only three. That is an A plus roast joke. That's... Jacob looks good. Sorry. Jacob looks a good 30 years older than I pictured him being give up on the hair, dude.

Oh, that sucks. Oh, fuck these people. Save it for the fight. Bottle this, use this in Vegas. When I first started listening to the bonfire four years ago, I had no context of anyone on the show outside of Jay and Dan. I thought Jacob was a strange woman. Well, I got to be honest. For first couple of weeks I did too. This was my favorite.

This was my favorite. It's so blunt. Started listening about two years ago, though Jacob had some moments overall, the dude sucks. Oh shit. Don't do it, Jacob. You got this. Jacob. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Oh shit Don't do it Jacob you got this Jacob You got this you got this you got it one more one more you can make it

They could replace Jacob with Mateo Lane and no one would notice That's not bad. He's jacked. He's jacked. He's jacked. Hang in there, he's jacked. I don't think that's what they meant though. No, it is. He's very, he's very talented. He's very talented. He's very talented. Your little muscular body. Yeah, yeah.

What? Why does Jacob always sound like he's a click away from crying? He's got a wet, claggy, sobby speaking voice. It's really infuriating. No, this might be my favorite bit ever. This is great. I fucking hate this. One click. Oh my god. Oh, Jesus. Oh my god. Jacob looks like a make a wish kid that finally got his wish granted. They actually wrote this pause in parentheses

because he's going to die soon Yeah, we got three more We got three more the bidet the bid bit is I ring it and we're done. Joe, keep the bell in your crotch. So if you got, they want to grab it, they have to grab your crotch. Okay. No problem. How bad do you want it?

How bad do you want it? This next one's actually probably not bad. Jacob is really busting the stereotypes, shilling your family company to grift for money is disgusting. Hey, Jake, can't... Wait, what? It's the name of the company. Not the family business.

All right, can't pain. He said it tastes like aparagus piss. What? The fuck is can't pain? It's delicious. It's a jealous family's company. It's family's company. It's just our life's business.

It's canned rosé. You should carry it to your roses. Okay. It's great. Yeah. Let's do it. Yeah. If you like drinking asparagus.

It'll pair well with a hoagie. It'll pair well with a hoagie, dude. It's fucking sparkling red wine. All right. Jacob has become an old Jewish lady unwilling to go with a bit. He deserves his misery since he creates it. Jesus Christ. Mother fuck.

Jacob, you all right? Jacob, you all right? You really don't want to touch me, J. They mean it so much. I'm sorry. Remember when we were standing back there, and you said, did you read them? And I said, I didn't read all of them. I read some of them.

But man, there's one about you. That's real bad. And you said, oh, it's about how I saw gay. And I go, no, no, no, it's like real. This is it. Final one, though. Yeah, final one. You really are the Grinch, Therosa. I love it.

I do love it. You have the same body as the Grinch, too. You're a mean one, Mr. Joe. All right. Jacob is terrible. His phony laugh and want to be tough guy persona is annoying. It sounds like he's in love with himself. And I wish him and Bobby found something else to do with their lives.

That's actually from Max. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. You and the last minute! Sure! You love it! You fuck you, Joe! You have to read that one! They're going in hard on him and then you're screwed! You and the fuck amigurts! In fact, you and Bobby go fucking shove your thumb up your ass.

Jacob, give it up for Jacob, everybody. That was... Shit. Everybody that was Shit Okay, who do we have next Christine Christine get up here These were texted a job by me the crowd knows something we don't Now she's just a girl so everyone everyone feels bad. Christine, everybody, give it up for Christine. Come on, Ben!

Alright, you've got this. You do look beautiful. You got this. Why'd you see it all crazy? I've never said that. I mean, I don't say it much, but I mean, it happens. Are you ready? I've listened to the show for seven years, despite Christine.

Still listening. Mine are gonna be so bad. They're getting worse as they go. In the past, I have literally never turned the show off, but I cannot fucking stand waiting for her stupid voice to bring the show to a screeching halt to give the dumbest opinion I've ever heard about anything. I mean, Jesus fucking Christ shut up. I can't possibly get to that.

I can't. Jesus plotting. I can't agree. All right. Shut up, Christine is the best quote since Shut up Meg from Family Guy. Jesus. Christine, I'm just sort of skimming ahead. These do not get better. Hey, Christine, shut up, you Nazi dick sucking company. It was one time. Oh my God.

It was one time. It was once. Her friend was fucking a Nazi, so she had to keep the other guy company. I'm not sure. But he ain't not suck as dick. I'm not sure how you want to take this one. Christine is the female Lewis Jacob.

Oh. And Jason, that might have been by me. That might have been by me. I tell it to her face weekly. Yeah. It's good partner. I'd love to know what the going rate for a series ex-an producer whose resume reads,

girlfriend of host and great Googler. And what? Googler, like you Googler. Oh, great Googler. Like you Googler. Oh great Googler. Oh, pretty good. Oh my God. I've never wanted a woman to be hit until I heard Christine on the show. Man of J. That I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I behind the curtain you're terrible. She's ringing the bell. That's cool. Would Christine? Joe, Joe. Joe.

Leave me alone. This is my Christmas. Would Christine. Joe's heart is getting smaller and smaller. No, it's growing. It's working. This is working. It's working. This is working. It's for you.

With Christine, I've been hired at Sirius, if she wasn't J's girlfriend, quick answer. No. She slurped her way from Waitress to third string producer. Oh, my lord. Shit. Hi. Hi.

Ready? Was you saying it's awful? Yeah, that's the point, asshole. Get. All right. Ready? What did you say? It's awful. Yeah, that's the point, asshole. What do you want to read nice things? Oh, this is a good one. Life can't be a jerk off party, Melissa. Hey, Melissa, go fuck yourself.

All right, ready? Christine Rocks for someone with Down syndrome. Okay. She does. If she had Down syndrome she would rock Oh my Favorite it's the last one this is last one ready Jay and Christine will do anything to lose weight, except eat less today. Christine, everybody, give it up.

Give it up for the producer. Christine, just a blow. Wow. Holy shit. This is not a good idea. Jake, or Bobby, this is not good for you. Jay is next. I'm last year after Jay.

I don't want to do this. Wow. I know the guy got it. Oh, it came to the bell. I got it. It's a shit. You got it. I'll get it. It's right here. You got it?

All right. Jay, right out of the gate, this guy comes with a banger. Jay, you guys suck shit now. Fuck your crackle. What? I'm in that one too! Holy. Shot to the heart, dude.

What is it? Fuck your crackle. Fuck your crackle. Oh, fuck your crackle. Every year, Jay refuses to lose the 90s rocker look. It's really weird that Jay isn't a juggalogue dressing and acting like he does. It's like he missed his calling. Come on, guys.

That's not fucking... Quit explaining every moment of the video before we listen to it. 10 seconds at a time, James. We got yelled at! For fuck's sake. I can relate to that one. Oh, this is perfect. This is perfect.

What? J looks like a 15-year-old who punches drywall. Oh, my God, that is incredible. That is incredible. Are you making my own decisions? All right. Jay comes off really bad in most episodes. He's sensitive. He's out. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. J. Was it? No. I don't know. Well, that guy really nailed it.

He did? The drywall guy did. All righty. Big J. O. O. Cresson only applies hair gel once a week after he showers. The rest of the week he just applies water to reharden the gel into a spiky hair omit chain. Can I comment on that one? Yes. It's not true. I wash my hair every day, but if I had to go on a morning thing before my shower, I would

just wet my hands and restyle the old crook and gel from yesterday. So I can't be that mad at that. This is a good one, ready? It's 2023 and Jay is still dying for Black People's Love. Hey, da, da, da, they don't like you, Jay. Do, though. We do. As one black guy.

As two. as one black guy. That is too. Oh, that's wrong. Bodfire could be one of the best radio shows ever. If only Jay were capable of hearing and learning from the slightest bit of constructive criticism, but he can't. For a hard personality, he's just an insecure, spoiled, Jew child. I don't like it. Make it different.

Jay made a show out of two lousy Howard's fuck. Stop that balance distracting me. You're supposed to stop me. He's gonna stop me. Shh. Jake made a show out of two lazy Howard Stern show staples, watching videos and shitting on the staff for content. Great work. And last but not least, I've seen Josh Adam Myers open up

for Big J. He was better. Yeah. That's cool shit. Oh, that's cool. That's crazy. That's cool. That's crazy. Wow, that's bullshit Josh He was better

Hey, Josh, Josh, do you sit in for me for this bit? All right, we gotta move here. I think we're, I think this is taking too long. Yeah, we gotta go. All right, can we, we'll just, we'll skip this part. No, no, no, no. We should get to it. We gotta listen guys, we love you.

We gotta move on, we gotta hold new things. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let's just not do this. Oh my God. This isn't, wow, I just read number one, baby! I just read number one! Yo, Bobby does not like this. I'm better at this.

This line deserves pyrotechnics. Like a kiss concert? Yes. Wait, wait, wait, wait! Jay, Joe, Jay hold me. Ready? Yeah, go. Bobby had to lose weight so his friends could carry his comedy career.

Oh, Jesus Christ. That was sharp as a knife. That was really concise. It was airtight. It was airtight. It was like a Steven Wright joke. No fat on that fucking thing. Holy shit. That was almost brilliant.

That was brilliant. Holy shit. Eddie. How many pages do you have? You've got a substantial amount here. We won't do all of them. Bobby has turned into a gay villain from a James Bond movie from the 60s.

I'll take that. Oh my God. Black Lou highlighted this next one. We did. I say to highlight. Only one he highlighted. What the fuck, Black Lou? And I like this, ready?

Deroza should have been the one to replace Dan. At this point, I'd even take Fiona or Fanoia. Oh, fuck, Fanoia, you said it wrong. Ah, you fucked it up, ah. Damn it. No, I said my part, right? What are you gonna fuck him? I got that other bulb fat. He's name wrong. It's gonna dumb name. What was I thinking?

Hey Bobby, would you mind leaving the room so we hear something funny? I mean, I mean, take it up. Wait, wait, there's dot, dot, dot. Would you mind going to the bathroom so the comedians can make us laugh? These aren't good. Oh, Jesus, dude. Bobby Kelly looks like someone's mom

going through chemotherapy and she's in good spirits in spite of it. I kind of like that one. I was not a badger. You're living with it. You're in spite of it. I kind of like that one. I was not a bad owner. You're living with it. You're not dying from it. I ring the bell in cheer on that one. There's so many more.

You're so hot. You're the fuck up. I just read some. Bobby has eight podcasts and he sucks on all of them. I do have a lot of podcasts. I do have a lot of podcasts. Oh my God. I don't like the joy you're getting, fucking derosa.

Everyone stop being mean to Bobby. What did you expect from Dane Cook's butt dog? Oh, that fucking dick name's gonna stick, isn't it? Oh god damn Shane, he got you. Oh my god. How many more is this? I'll just do two more. All caps. Don't forget Bobby is a molester.

What? Bobby admitted to molesting a mentally handicapped child when he was younger and harassed Sam Roberts almost to the point of Mollestation when he was a young intern at opian Anthony. I pray Jay catches him during a pito hunt one day. I Would not would Sam anymore Sam is gross. Okay. Yeah, he's a beige Sam is gross. Okay, yeah, he's a beige Within two minutes of every opening riff of the show Bobby max. That's pubes Joe we got to move on That was that was my favorite one. Well, you can read another guy

That was my favorite one. Well, you can read another, I got it. Last one. Would you just give him a new one? The fuck was that weird whisper? Yeah, Bobby Sucks, just always. You know what he best bird, he goes, thanks for slipping in that one about Max. All right, last one, ready?

Bobby is an old man who doesn't fuck his wife, and all he has is a tiny house and a kid. He literally has nothing else to talk about on his own radio show. I mean, these are just facts. That is mean reddit? Wow. That's mean reddit.

Very, very Christmas you fucking pieces of shit. Joey, I hope you'll hang out with us for our next segment. Stay here, stay here, yeah. Stay right here. We have another segment. We got to go to break right now We have to go to break it. We'll be right back. Man, those mozzarella sticks look good But we'll be right back everybody get back the bonfire. It's not over. Oh Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! And now, back to the bonfire holiday spectacular, with Big J. O'Cerson and Robert Kelly. What's up, everybody? Yeah! Oh, oh, what's that? What is that? Wait. Is that? Is that? That is?

It's Black Santa everybody! Everybody give it up for Black Santa! You're Black Santa. It's microphones off. Can we turn his microphone on? God damn it. Fuck, the microphone on god damn it Chuk-chuk

Damn you black blue Black home black crime black blue how dare you black Luke come on Michael Black Lou, how dare you? Black Lou come on Michael. You guys, that's enough out of you. Uh, he's right. Black Santa, it's a pleasure to have you here. Hi buddy, how are you, Black Santa? I'm all right, why are you got call from Black Santa?

They can see. Well, it's a radio show. It's radio show, you dumb dumb. It's an audio medium? Yeah. Nobody listens. That's fair. I think everybody's here.

I think all of them are here. Well, not anymore. There's six truckers in Terrytown. They're all ear pressed to a speaker right now. How many black fans, y'all got? Two. Oh, there's a handful. There's one right there.

Right there, Keith. You know him? Black fan, Joe got to oh there's a handful there's one right there right there Keith You know I'm just here. Oh, yeah, no, that man. What's up? No, man, I'm 70 years old. Yeah, we should go to high school in the 30s Yeah, you go to high school in the thirties. Well, today we wrote letters to Santa, to black Santa. We all at the bonfire have letters to you. And hopefully we can read them to you and maybe make our wishes come true if that be okay black Santa.

Stop fucking call me black Santa Okay You're not gonna wrote me in the trouble Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay Jay we gonna have this episode Okay, I know Look at loose not that loose Okay, I know the list. I'm gonna sing good. No, that's not what he's saying. Not thought he wanted me to get loose. No, get loose. Not that loose. You know what, DJ Santa? And Michael...

Michael M. Stroke. Malcolm Stroke. And guys, everybody, Black Santa has a special... Yes. Yes. It's called... It's called... It's called... Two different strokes.

That's why it's different strokes, asshole. I'll be really straightin' up on that one, then, yeah. Yeah, fuck that, she's... So Santa, we have people who are gonna come up one by one and read you our letters. Is that okay, Santa? Yeah, I'm brim all right who's first? I'm first DJ Lou give it up for DJ Lou Why man will go there is that black Lou or DJ?

You know DJ Lou well from us behind it's black Lou, but yeah, you see this guy's fucking fat dumb Yeah, he does got a nice ass, right. It's crazy. He's got a hot Thanks black Santa Okay, y'all this is DJ Lou Dear black Santa. I'm sorry. I'm not black Lou. I know you're disappointed. Yes I'm writing you for gifts not for me, but for my good friend Jay I know he will have a happy Christmas in Hanukkah if you could give him these three things. His very special dream is to catch

a pedophile. He's been on many peto hunts with no justice. This Christmas, please let him finally catch one of those scumbags. If not for Jay then for the sake of all, God's molested children. Oh shit! I understand that some people would actually get rid of pedophilia altogether, but if you did that, Jay's wish would not come true. Shit. Number two, Jay's radio partners sometimes abandon him. Santa, could you make Bobby stay by his side forever? Yes.

Not like that fucking Grinch Soder who couldn't wait to get the hell away from him. And number three, I went through a lot of changes this year smoke free for four months now Thank you, isn't it between me and you got a VBL? I lost a few pounds and I'm grateful for my health now, but in getting healthy, I lost some meat, and my fat luscious dumpers. So this year, Santa, let me get them cakes back. Because I know BJ loves them. I feel good. I like it.

I like it. DJ Lou. DJ Lou, you think you can help with that, Santa? Oh, hell yeah. All right. Next up, who's next up? Jacob give it up for Jacob Jacob. Jacob. Be careful. I think Santa wants to kill you

Hey Jacob Dear black Santa. Watch your mouth, man. What an honor to meet you, my fine chocolate, Chris Kringle. Okay. Surely the North Pole has never been so fly since your fine self has been sipping gin and juice and making the lists of naughty and nice. I could ask you for the obvious, but I won't trouble you with dreams of being six feet tall or a few extra inches of dong to break a bitch off properly. I've made my peace with that. Instead I have a couple of reasonable requests.

Alright, let's hit it. First off, I want to tell you about a new man in my life. His name is Robert Kelly. Oh, shit. He is a part of the bonfire family, and I truly love him, but he has his flaws. Bobby's is his insecure need to prove his dominance over everyone in the studio, bright cracking the most deadly of silent farts. And to compound this horror, he immediately follows it up with a look of shock,

then begs forgiveness and claims it was an accident. Gas me once, shame on you. Gas me 50 times, shame on your dirty old asshole. Now he has taken the passing gas not only in front of the crew but in front of world famous celebrity guests. Recently he tuted seconds before Barry Manalo walked into our studio. Oh shit. The next day reports came out he canceled his shows in Las Vegas and found himself hospitalized and diagnosed with a bronchial infection. A.K.A. Bobby's poisonous gas. Barry Manolo once wrote the classic I can't live without you but I'm here to tell you, I can live without the smell of his dirty asshole, and dare I say, so can everyone else.

Finally, Santa. I'm hoping you can help rid me of the long-suffering years I've endured at the hands of those that call me friend. I want the people I work with on the bonfire to treat me like an equal and understand that the comfort level in the studio isn't just for them but for me as well. With the nearest intonation that Jay says he's hot, his woman thumbs down the temperature in the room faster than Emperor Commodus condemned to slave to death than the Colosseum. When I say I'm cold, it's a big joke.

Instead of raising the temperature a little bit, they buy me mock gifts like fleece, shark jumpers, and slankets. Gifts that are so uncool, they would make any woman's pussy dry like orange juice on a roll of bounty. Surely, Black Santa, you of all people know how important it is for a player to look fly for the bitches. Perhaps you think that living in the North Pole you might actually like the temperature, but I'm here to tell you that the cold in studio 3 blows right past that of the jolly North and more resembles the ice planet of Hoth. And like Hoth, it gets so cold and all I can think of is cutting J.

open like a tonton for warmth. But not just for warmth, but also because I know there will be a lot of great snacks in there as well. This is my most desperate hour. Help me, Black Santa. You're my only hope. I got you. I got you, Doc. Take it a touch. OK.

Yeah. Next up, Black Lou. Give it up. Black Lou. Right here. My man. Santa! He's over here.

Oh. Santa. What's up? How you doing, my Nicknark? Well, yeah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hey, you get Santa's wants. Shut your fucking white mouth.

Lou, Lou, it's eggnark. Eggnark, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I call you Santa. I don't need to feel, I don't feel the need to put black in front of everything. OK. Absolutely. But you know how it is living in this white man's world? Yes. And he really changes it up.

Okay. He's a real different guy live, huh? The three crackers on stage. This is like the foxhole. It doesn't look good. It does read best. You know what's crazy? Those pages Jacob was holding were blank. It doesn't look good. It does read best. You know what's crazy?

Those pages Jacob was holding were blank. He's a lunatic. He's a baby. I like Jacob now. I know normally people would ask for world peace or to end racism or something like that, but I don't give a fuck about none of that First I need a lifetime supply of extra strength nine volt batteries

Is it me or do smoke detectors seem to burn right through those things? I think it's a government conspiracy to keep us poor and a little crazy Yes, sir, have you heard the low battery beeping a white person's house? Exactly just poor and a little crazy. Yes, sir. Have you heard the low battery beep in a white person's house? Exactly. My man. Be. Summer is coming. I'm gonna need brand new 26 inch rims for my Kia.

Got him. It's an 85, but I keep it clean. Absolutely. And three, and this is very important. If you have time to create miracles, please make mean Cory Feldman have a change of heart about Big J and the Bonfire. Yeah.

Big J is in mean. He's just misunderstood. X-L-X-L. Black. Okay. Oh, also, I have a gift for you. I see none of these white folks brought you a gift my man Oh My boy Brandon made this for you baby Let's get it

Let's get it That's And black Santa on the front That's really cool man. Oh yeah. You're really good. You're like a black everybody. It's very Christmas. Oh shit. I got a fall of a black guy. That touched my very evil soul.

Hi, black Santa. What's up? How you doing? Good morning, man. Okay. You look a little angry. Do you have black Santa? What up? How you doing? Good morning, man. Okay. You look a little angry. Do you have black Santa?

If you're okay with me calling you that. I'm sending this letter to the North Pole, aka Woodbridge, New Jersey. Hoping you'll get it. Even though I heard it, you spend most of your time at a place called the Busty Pole. First, thank you for showing up and being on time. I really didn't think that was gonna happen. It almost didn't. A lot of people were skeptic that Santa was a black guy, but I always knew he was because only black guys

work delivery jobs. Oh, shit. Some people refer to Santa as Father Christmas, which is ironic because you only visit your real children once a year. Wait a minute, say children right. Children. How's your amaneca, by the way? Damn. He's calling you on a reading. How's Yamannika, by the way? Damn!

He caught you on a reading. I can imagine the past few months have been, you know, very hard with those bitch-ass elves not being helpful at all. You'll be excited to see when you come down the chimney, we left out your favorites, Menthol's Hennessy and Carbonara. Love them, fuck them. You love Carbonara. You love carbonara. You love carbonara.

You love carbonara, right? But don't drink or eat too much, because we don't want you to get another stroke like last year and get theitis. I have this. Next stroke, I'm going to be retarded. How's your bitch Mrs. Claus doing? Since you guys separated. That sucks.

She found all those dirty elf photos on your burner phone. Rookie mistake. Yes. That was your job. I love that you got rid of the rain dairy and placed them with pit bulls. That's so bad ass. I have a couple things I want this Christmas. Number one, I would really like it if you'd have Josh Adam Myers.

Do you know who he is? I love him. Oh, okay. Well, there you go. I fucking ruined that joke. Josh! I would like it if you could have him bring me up on stage with with an amazing intro like he gives his mentor big J. Ocasin Also if you could have your most famous alf little kev a.k.a Motherfuckin asshole

Promote my special kill box like he promoted big J's another thing Can you get me an autograph for White Santa? It's worth more money. Oh, fuck you, man. Yeah, fuck you. It's black, little, good, all black and shit. I like the market this side. Is there any way?

Is there any way you can make me do some really good impressions? I really think the show has been in need of a good impressionist. Jake can only do Josh Adam Myers Justin Silver and Cory Feldman, which is all the same impression just one gayer than the other Cory being the least gay Oh, by the way last year my wife Dawn left me a couple presents that went missing after you came you gonna you gonna stop at presence that went missing after you came. You're gonna stop at left. A few of them were found on the roof in the front lawn. I'm not accusing you of anything, but do you have any chance you know where they went?

PS. No need to leave a mixtape this year. What the fuck is this, man? PSS. OJ did it, right? No, fuck. Ah, Robert Kelly, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Christine.

Christine could probably be Black Santa. I don't know why you do that. Nobody knows. It's show business. All right. Dear Black Santa. Yes. This year I ask you for the gift of teaching me how to clean better. What the fuck? Learning how to make a bed properly. And also for me to stop being such a stupid, stupid bitch all the time.

Thank you, Black Santa. You're welcome. We're seeing everybody. That's what she wants. Ollie, she wants what she wants. What's she wants? Jesus Christ, you wrote it in hand writing? What the fuck are you 10? Do you know they have computers, right?

Mm-hmm. That's pencil. Yeah. Well, then pencil, and then I did pen over it. I have weird, I have weird processes. You know the sh** is writing I've ever seen. It's very nice writing. Are you crazy?

No the top part you got good at the end though. Stop it. Um. Did you hear that? Well man. Come close with a black Santa. Dear black Santa. What's up my nignog? Boy, was I surprised to learn this year that Santa's black,

not so surprised to learn that Mrs. Claus is still a fat white bitch. Anyhoo, Black Santa. I've been such a good boy this year. I was able to hold down and facilitate a living comedy legend to sit across from me every day to keep the bonfire alive. This year I asked nothing for myself, but instead for my crew to get the things they need. First, for my sweet sweet Jacob, I would like you to give him the gift of height. I feel it would raise his confidence and make him an overall happier person, but most importantly,

it would put him a few more inches closer to the sun. Hopefully warming his chilly body, which will stop his feminine complaining, making all involved happier. Black Santa next, for my sweet DJ Lou, who is bravely quit smoking cigarettes this year, making him so deserving of a present. For Christmas, Black Santa, I'd like you to wake him up from his belief that Pearl Jam is the greatest band ever. They only have two good songs and even they're just okay. Maybe leave him a mixed tape of your black Santa music featuring the OJs or the Ohio players, the mighty mighty tales, and gospel legend Mahalia Jackson.

And now for my sweet little black Lou. Black Lou, you probably know because he's your nephew or cousin to my best guess. Black Santa, can you please open his eyes to the fact that rooting for a team that you have no geographical or any connection to really whatsoever is how a woman approaches sports? Liking a team because you like to star on the helmet is how fat women try to attract men in a buffalo wild wigs. J the fact this is handwritten is psychotic. It's fucking mentally ill. He's a serial killer. People who's written anything in the last 10 years and written And next my queen Kristine Evans

My long-time girlfriend producer collaborator and All-around partner Kristine Evans in my most generous and selfless act and all around part of Christine Evans. In my most generous and selfless act, I only asked that you grant Christine whatever it is she asked for in her letter. And last but not least, the great Robert Kelly everybody. Black Santa, can you please shoot Bobby back down the earth and make him realize a 52 year old man is never going to be an influencer?

Horing out your child to move pillow cubes in affordable sunglasses is no way to live. Black Santa, if you can make all of this come true, I will be a forever happy boy. Thank you, Black Santa, sign J. Yes! I'm giving you all your wishes. Yeah! Thank you, Black Santa. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to everybody. You guys, we'll be right back to sing it by everybody. It's the Bonfire. Thank you. And... Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. First one, you guys, thanks for sticking with the show. Big J, the funniest motherfucker around. Joe DeRosa, the great Keith Robinson. Black Santa, Keith Robinson. J.G. James Lue, Black Lue, Christine Evans. We love you guys so much. You guys are the best. Here's your next one.

20-4, a more bond fire. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night! Hey everybody, thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual Sirius XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, go to SiriusXM.com slashbombfire for a special offer. That's right, and go to bigjcommy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates, coming

to a city near you. Go lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo That's right, and go to bigjcomedy.com and robbercallylive.com to check out our standup dates. Coming to a city near you. Go lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo lo