The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Bonfire Logs (feat. Mark Normand, Joe DeRosa, Kyle Dunnigan & Kurt Metzger)

Episode Date: May 25, 2020

Joe DeRosa has a few requests for show introductions. Mark Normand joins the show and discusses returning to the stage after quarantine. Kurt Metzger and Kyle Dunnigan join the show and tell the gang about one comic in particular that didn’t find it funny to be impersonated by Kyle. After expressing their disdain for improv all week the guys decided to prove their point by performing an improvised scene and in the process learned something about the craft … and maybe themselves. Best of the week ends with a very special announcement.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Hey, I'm Big J. Ocasoon, and I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bonfire SXM. Crackle Crackle Campers is Black Lou and welcome to the Bonfire's Best of the Week.

We begin today's show with how Monday's show began with a request. It's the Bonfire Comedy Central Radio Series XM95, the quarantine tapes. I'm Dan Soder. That lovable fucking jacked quarantine jacked of a man is big to Eaukerson. He's arms and fucking chest. You're old school strong. Arms are right right now, dude. I know. I'm excited. I'm excited for you to go on the road not only as a comedian, but as an arm wrestling champion after this thing. That's like Jay. Yeah. Did you got pulled by Jay joining us? joining us, of course, quarantine third mic, Joe DeRosa and the crew, Lou, Lou, Jacob and Christine. Just make say something.

I say something so it doesn't, so it doesn't just burn inside of me all show. Yeah. When you guys introduce each other, now I know I'm just the third mic. I'm not stepping on top of your son of a bitch. But when you guys introduce each other, it's a lot of that handsome son of a bitch over there, a lovable guy, this and that. And then you just go, quarantine thermite, Joe, to Rosa, and the crew. I feel bad for the crew, too. This is for all of us. I think everybody deserves a few ads. If you're going to go that hard at each other with the love, maybe just spread

it around a little bit more. Because it makes it. Joe, Joe, let me say it's nice to have fresh eyes on this. So let me go back and double back. True. Dan, I would argue quarantine third mic is a very affectionate title. It is a very affectionate title. It's it's all right. Listen, there's a lot of affection. The crew is nodding and they're turning on me. It's just see if we can go Joe's way, huh?

Let's go Joe's way. It's never enough for this guy. I mean, Jesus, give him a mouse a cookie. He wants a glass of milk. Like, when? I'm fucking, I'm fucking around, right? You're like a raccoon. You're just fucking in the wall.

He's breeding. I can't tell you know, I'm joking. We had so much not being able to tell if we were joking before the show started. I want to make sure you know I'm joking. Yeah, I know you're joking. But let me go back through anyways and let me say just stinks strong sturdy. Call me a dud. Over in New York, there's a dud Okerson. I go Joe. Dapper shirt to Rosa. Hold on. Joe Dapper shirt to Rosa. Hold on. I, uh, Jay, let me do it.

Let me redo it to make Joe feel better. Welcome to the Bonfire Comedy Central Radio series XM 95. I'm Dan Soder that hunk of garbage in the East Village is big. Jay Ocarson just, fuck, it's a sweltering shit pile in Florida, the dashing and devon air. Jacob Batot coming of us just outside of T devon air, Jacob Batot, coming of us just outside of T-Net New Jersey, looking like a just a handsome enforcer, Lewitsky. T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T- movement leader. I was going to say the man I would go to the islands with to get my groove back. Lewis Johnson. Yeah. Like a young Tay Diggs. And J's better half in one hell of a maverick producer. Christine Marie Evans. And I like that. And just a just a mixture of

a mixture of Middle Eastern with Italian culture. It's curly, but stays hot. Joe DeRosa. You're down there. Is that better? It was, I have some notes. It would like, I do want to be before the crew. I'll be mentioned before the crew. So don't want you to disparage Jay.

Jay can't talk to you in quick. So don't want you to disparage Jay Jay Hey Jay can we see can we side web X real quick? What called I don't know if it's this Queens air. I don't know what's going on Mark Norman joined the bonfire walking and talking from the streets of New York City The comedians wondered how the quarantine will affect stand-up routines when they finally all return to the stage. I want to know which comics going to be the first comic to come back and sell face mask merch like after we shoot up.

It's already happening. What are you talking about? Yeah, SDR show. Ralph made a mask merch already. But let me rephrase that. It has a bit that ties into them selling a COVID mask. Oh, yeah. We're playing the wait for that.

For the, I can't wait for a feature. I've come in and be like, Hey, man, do you mind if I sell my masks after this? Yeah. I do this, I do this cupcakes bit where I say like, imagine breathing cupcakes. And then I sell these, imagine breathing cups, masks. Can I, yeah, can I tell you what I think is going to happen? Yeah. Face mask, merch bit. Okay.

And they're going to go, I know what you're thinking, but the pandemic's done. What do I need a face mask for? Nope. Problem whatsoever. And there's going to be like a straw or something that comes out of it. So you can like drink with, like they'll do some carotopy horseshit to it. I make it up. I'm going to make, I'm going gonna make mine a mask that says my other mask

is your mom's pussy. I think there's gonna be a fat chick comic who does, this is my new diet, it's the corona diet I wear a mask and I can't eat dicks or whatever. So also, and all the boat comics that start doing jokes that they their like, or this is for your wife after a year of marriage. Oh, right.

Got it. Oh, God, dammit. I don't call a mess now. I call them mussels. Yeah. Do all of those kind of jokes like the low hanging COVID jokes when we come back. It's going to be because some of us are going to be guilty of it. Like I'm going to be, I'm like, dude, I got a fucking vaccine bit

that is murdering and you're like, it's everyone's doing that. It blows so much that it's like everyone's gonna wanna talk. I wish there was a way, I mean, I guess there is, but it'd be nice for us a way to just have one little thing about it and that's all because, especially when you get back to the showcase shows, seven comics going up and their whole bit's going to be about what it's just too much, man. Like, do you remember the somehow, but it's like, how could you talk about anything else in the

world? It's so difficult. The seller is it. Yeah, but I mean, do you think how long do you think COVID bits stay around? Do you think it's like a year, six months? No, no, I think it like two months, you do one up top, you get over it. I got 20 minutes on the black guy in Georgia getting shot. So I'm safe. No, I'm kidding. But I think yeah, two months in, you do two of jokes up top.

Oh, I gained some weight and quarantine, and boom, you're new a fat joke. Yeah. I don't think anybody's gonna have an hour on it. I hope Todd Barry had a tweet where he said, we have to all, as a comic, get a pact going that we won't do Corona material. Yeah. I think, I think it'll be like, after, I think it'll be like when W Bush was president, I think the shitty comics will talk about it endlessly. And the good comics will not talk about it or find such a great angle on it.

Like Burr had that great, when everybody was bashing Bush Burr had the one joke that was like, you don't even know why you don't like him. Look at him. He's a dick. You know what I mean? I mean, my favorite one was Gerardo was like with worst president ever. He's like, I think there's been a worse president. What about the president of the Selena fan club?

Oh man, he's fucking killer. What happened to that guy? president of the salina fan club. Oh man, he's fucking killer. What happened to that guy? Any club right now could open. And I think every club I could want to work it. Oh yeah. I mean, it's scary. It's a scary thought to go to the clubs.

And like your interaction has to be crazy. I mean, there's no meat and greets. No, that's shit. That's those things are over. That's true. That's kind of nice. I don't. I mean, I'm in the minority here I am not painfully missing stand-up right now at all like you know we get it you

evolved past it I know I know that I know the time will come when I do but you are getting booked anyway you got I was like starting to do bits for my fucking dog in the elevator I was just kind kind of like, hey, what's going on? I mean, you start I mean, dude genuinely miss it, Joe. I'm not saying you don't generally miss it. I'm saying you doing bits for your dog and I was, but I was a tea party with stuffed animals with the hell. No, I'm mentally insane. Hey, Mr. Puddles, where do you work? Is this your wife?

Mr. Rabbit, Mr. Puddles, where do you work? Is this your wife? Mr. Rabbit likes to lump the funny doesn't he, Mr. Rabbit? I go Freddie, Freddie the frog. Isn't it weird how poly eats, poly eats like this. Bumble, right? White dolls get time out. Are you guys not all overwhelmed a little bit about the way it will, I think part of it for me, not missing it is the way it will affect it. The way this will affect it. I feel like it will be a very different animal for a little while because, you know, and I guess that part of it is, it doesn't seem exciting to get back. It seems like it's going to be this awkward growth period to get back. I think so too because clubs, they're going to do the 25 people only, then I'm going to have 50 and then the 50 people are going to have to sit apart and then you have to rip on that. It's going to be brutal. It's going to be like in the process

to getting into a comedy club is like going to see a UFO where they have to like, fucking spray you down with air and have you go into a decantamination chamber. like fucking spray you down with air and have you go to a decant decantamination chamber? Urban crowds are going to save it, I think, because they're going to go, I'm coming in, like get away from me, don't metal to check me, I'm sitting down, and we're doing a show here. But black people also are arguing that they're the ones getting COVID the most. And it's true with them. Good point. God, they. That was it was hilarious. The early stages of this, it was

black people don't even get COVID. I know, I had a joke about that. It was so that was a very early thing is it goes, why is it black people aren't getting COVID seems like now, it's like, why are black people only getting COVID? You miss the shift of when everyone went like black people are getting it. And then like I heard 5G went like, black people are getting in and then like, I heard 5G is giving it to everybody. And then like 5G is giving it to everybody.

Then it was like, oh, I think mostly black people are, yeah, it's ravaging black people, old people. Hispanic. Yeah, Hispanic people. White guys just walking through this. I think this is a creative, Wuhan created it by a white dude in Wuhan. I mean, dude, did you see the one of the craziest,

I'll tell you, when they went to scary, they could scare you. One was like a man dies from COVID. His son who prayed by his bedside after he died is now being buried with him on the same day. They both died from COVID. Whoa, man. Dude, the he's got like, whoa. Man.

Dude, the one that got me and I went on a scattered brain was I was reading an article that was like, COVID is affecting old people, but people in their 30s and 40s are having strokes at an alarming rate. You're like, shut the fuck up. What did you just say? Why did you say that?

And it was just like for three days, like, fuck all this. I know, I know. I was not scared at the beginning at all like with Tom Hanks and each yourself and that was all fun and games yeah and then really it's like they now they they definitely scare you I mean now that brings bringing it back to comedy when you're on the road Norman if you ever found yourself single again how how awkward do you think like the roses a single man out on the road it's going to be good to hook up with a girl no no no you're fine he wasn't wearing condoms anyway

you're okay no no no no no I don't think so would you just go straight in for it Norman I mean I don't know I don't I think I think both of us can say is men that have been single on the road at one time or another I think that all kind of slows down for you anyway you know of course of course but we've all had the gal where you try to put a cotton on. She's like, shut up. Don't do it. Fuck it. I think there's going to be that.

That's going to kick in with the, with the COVID. Just like, I fucked the gloves. Fuck the mask. Let's do this. I'm going to, I'm going to ram my KN95 mask right now or slip. I'm going to, I'm going to take off my gloves at the airport. Look at the TSA agent like, Hey, do you think it's cool if I do this? I just do it. Just fucking do it. Oh fuck. Oh, you're so dirty. It makes it hotter. Oh my god. I love my bare hands as I go through security.

Mark and the crew later got into a discussion about infamous headliners that didn't pay their openers Yikes. That was the big thing with PDD's bad boys of comedy. I Know Joe you know the story but like when you did it, you signed a contract and the contracts of the PDD got your managerial cut of your money. Really? Like three years or something like that I was supposed to be. What's so insane? You know, the contract basically said like, if you get something good in your career

beyond this, it's clearly because of P. Diddy's bad boys of comedy No one's understood your comedy until it was introduced by the beatboxing styles of Dougie fresh Crazy I heard Nick Cannon had a thing like that where it was like Dude I know I just managed you and then you'd be in his movie and it was you know Dude big Jay and I know and this is super early bonfire was Pete Davidson used to open for Nick Cannon. And people would tell us the hilariously low amount of money that Nick Cannon would pay him to open for him. Yeah. Oh, wow. Crazy. Like I had the overall, he was like the chairman of team Nick. Like he had a whole thing on him where they really

like make it significantly let Pete got significantly less than a feature weekend for a local. Like, I mean, Norman, I'm talking about $150 for a weekend of five shows. Wow. That's insane. The price is sold out. Carlos Mincee told me, you know, so I'm not talking out of school here, and I don't respect the man, so I don't care. But he told me it's a comedy, so I wanted ideas and pay his openers anything. He said he just, he goes there, their experience in working with me is the pain. That is ridiculous. Is getting out in front of those audiences that they couldn't get out in front of us. That is fucking ridiculous.

Wow. How else are these guys going to hold a mirror under the nose of a shaky Mexican? Yeah. Also that maybe Pablo, imagine every time you have a good bit, it's gone. Here's a band. And he took it. It's like South Park and we have the bit. And it's going to build the wall.

Yeah. Yeah. we have the bit and I I heard a Cosby's and I pay his openers and that's where Carlos got the idea so he took that too I mean does that mean does that mean put that Carlos miss you a rake Steve Trevino Come on in Steve have some wine. Do you want to put on my temple sweatshirt? Nice. Some warm isn't it? Hey, why don't you take off your pants and make me some breakfast or something? I want to let you know I'm not my character on TV, man. I'm a different guy. I think I think that's got to be one of those crazy. I would love to talk to someone that was like, thought they were going to be like,

getting money for opening for Cmdcia when it's like a giant venue as a young feature and you're like, oh shit, I'm going to make like $2,000 this weekend. Oh yeah. At the end of the weekend, he's like, I hope you learn that bro. Yeah. Yeah. A lot of those fucking dudes don't pay shit. At the end of the weekend, he's like, I hope you learned it, bro.

Yeah. A lot of those fucking dudes don't pay shit. A lot of those dudes don't pay shit because they're like, no, man, you just, you, you just get to be a part of this thing. And they, they, they throw the openers very little. And it's like, because they're in their head, it's like, why should I, they don't see it as, why should I pay you a fair percentage of what this is? This is all me. Right. You know, what the fuck else are you gonna be doing? That's kind of cool. And I feel like you don't,

I will always appreciate the fact that I know how to kill in a theater before I was ever a theater comic. There is something to be gained from theater experience. Like money from the theater. But here's the thing, what I was gonna say is, is like gained from theater experience. Yeah, like money from the theater. But here's the thing What I was gonna say is is like when Carlos Mincee says like the experience is the payment It's like no, it's not these are the easiest crowds in the world you can ever right Experiences like five people at the fucking Boston comedy club on a Tuesday night. That's fucking experience

That's better long right you're welcome fucker That's fucking experience. That's better in the long run. You're welcome, fucker. But also, you know, you don't know how much people are making. I mean, remember when you started out and then you heard about a headliner selling out and making like 20 Gs or 30 Gs. I remember. I remember like 2010, 2011, there was a headliner at Caroline's and I think it was Curtis.

Remember the old waiter Curtis? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what's up? I mean, I'm also a gay prostitute. I was in the I was in the back of drinking beers and I was like, oh man, I wonder how much money he's gonna make and he was like just quickly like $62,000 for all the sold out shows. Wow weekend. And they're like, yeah, and I was like, damn. So the thought that you're selling out like that and making that and a weekend and not paying your openers is fucking insane.

And say, and you know what else is funny about that too? With the, with the high money and that paying, and we're so beat up by this business, that like if you've performed ever as everybody all the comics on the show right now have performed for like a pretty full if not sold out weekend. Yeah. And you get the money like that you make, which is even upwards of like lately say it's been pretty good. Yeah. You're like, wow, that's what I've made with an audience that's primarily fans and sold out for a weekend. You're like, if I got to like the $40,000 weekend,

you're like, is it might be in the club? Am I taking too much of the clubs? Am I still gonna think of it? I'm still gonna think of me. It's like, if I take 40 grand from this club, like they're not gonna have me back ever. They're gonna be, oh, that was the deal. It was the deal this time,

but we'll never bring you back for that again. And you're like, you're so beaten down that you're like, no, no, no, no, it's fine. Don't give me, I don't deserve that all that. Just give me a guess. Well, that's where the guilt tipping comes in. You started giving the, the fucking door guy $800. Like, hey, they just pay you in a fucking satin sash of nickel of like, a coin. There's your blood money. And you go, I don't, I don't, sorry, I would took so long to pay you, but we had to gather

the money from all the staff. Also, also that Google Maps closer is, it's great. It's a great job. I'm so fucking low rent still. I'm so fucking low rent from the way I came up in this business. When I'm in a club and they're like, you bonus $500. I'm like, wow, really? Same here. Of course. Joe, Joe, I was laughing about it. The last weekend I worked was at the DC improv, and they were like, we got to cut shows down to half size. I was like, yeah, that's what I'm used to.

What do you, I'm not afraid of that. Right. Like even coming back with people are like, it's going to be a half-hilled audience. You're like, I've never done a show in Buffalo past that second railing. And he'll, yeah. It's never, ever gotten past that second railing. So it's like, yeah, all right, we can, they do not pack it in for me in Buffalo Helium. Me neither, me neither.

I really have, that's one of those clubs I really don't have a great time. If you told me to change the name of how I would put Buffalo Helium in my phone as a number, I would call it three fourths because that's all I do Three fourths in that room Dan when they go with I don't know how the shows look tonight they go. It's about. Yeah, it's about half full I go really that's great I remember being I remember being at cap city in Austin and Colin's a big room. Yeah Colin Quinn like Retweeted my tweet.

It was like Austin, go see Dan Soder or whatever. And I was like, wow, that's so cool. And it was in between shows. It was for the late show. And I walked into the late show room and there was 12 people there. And one of the guys had his cowboy boots on the stage. I was like, oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck, fuck. And that was the opener. Yeah, yeah. Hey, it's Black Lou again. There was more than one touchy open to the bonfire this week. And emotions were high with Jacob. After Jacob confronted him about a few of his habits during the show.

Showing. We are recording. We're recording. We're recording. And I'll tell you this is a blanket. Like a now Jacob. Shush for one second, please. Just I'll do it.

I didn't think about that. But then you're going to criticize me for that. You got them, right? You. You got it. You have have a I bet somewhere on that blanket there is a piece of paper that says this is for ages 8 to 11. This is a great beginning. I don't agree with anything you're saying Jay. I don't think on purpose.

This is a great beginning in the show And I will say this is the bonfire coming to the radio series X and 95. This is the quarantine tapes. I'm Big J. Lugerson. That's sexy as some bitches in Queens now. Fucking living it up in Queens in the epicenter. It's Dan Soder, everyone. I'm pulling the Armageddon. Oh, yeah, the glorious and the glorious magnificence that is our third month doing the rest of yeah, we're now we're

now we're wrong. Smells good taste good and it's good for you. Soulful salt treeness all the way in New Jersey of Blacglue, the fucking quarantine. I mean, DJ Looop by the way, just lives

like he's living his life. I feel like this isn't affecting him at all I feel like he's like, yeah, man. This is the world dude. What I have Different hours same game rip and butts inside. It's great. It's DJ Lou everybody Of course, we have Christine Running all the computer shit and then of course the glorious Fucking sexy there. I'm giving you compliments first Loving the new hair, loving the facial hair. Loving the Florida attitude. The whole attitude around it is the one and only Jacob at all.

Jacob. Oh, look at this. What the fuck is that? You're going animals now. Jacob's on a full power grab. Jacob's coming in. Now, Jacob, you know I'm right about this when I brought it up. DJ Lou is pumping his fist like he's in the audience of a fucking Jerry Springer show.

He's so excited. Check your tongue up as I asked Mordeloo. Oh, yeah. Hey, Jacob, can I say this? You missed this spot, Lou. Jacob, can I say this? You've turned into one rude dude. Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,

Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh, his knives tonight and tells us what he's gonna bury him when he gets back here. I bet he picks knives for us. Yeah. Yeah. To me, that you think I'm making noise like more and I go out, I tried not to make any noise. Jacob, I actually called you Mr. McGoo because I said, I don't think you're trying to make noise. You just come in like hellfire, dude.

Every day your microphone gets knocked over completely and everyone hears. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, You're microphone gets knocked over completely and everyone hears I'm working on an antique desk that creaks and I have to pull the draw out just to have the flap of the desk come down All these things are derivative of your decisions in life my friend I Whether it's your fall or not. I'm just saying it's hilarious that every day you come in, it's, uh, you roundhouse kick your microphone and then you have a fucking four course meal, brought to you.

And you were over tackling a dog, then you have to hang a blanket. It's a, it's a process. You feel like you'd be a little more streamlined at this point. I feel like you're a little more streamlined. My mom just makes me lunch at this time. I don't, you know, I'll try. I ate it before we started. I was done by the time we started.

The past is shown you have been delivered several delicious treats. Right. In the past and I corrected that. One time you got a whole bladder. If you go today, I just ate it. Lou, Lou, DJ, Lou, am I lying if I say that within the quarantine tapes,

there's definitely the sounds of this of C or whatever coming off a bowl. Yes. Doesn't know how to work the meat button. Every day, every day, you're not muted. Also, Jacob, also this, every day, you're not muted. And sometimes we're weak, we're weak that because you're running

fucking Neil Pertzolo's on your fucking desk and legs and you're not muted and we're hearing the entire thing. I don't make noise. I would never drum on on on Mike. This is insanity. This is insanity. This is the right This is insanity. Yes. It's not a time warp. Am I in a time warp? It's a parallel universe. Jacob, I love you. I promise you, I think all these things are hilarious. There is no genuine anger here, but it's bananas that you're denying these things.

From the history of the quarantine, I would say there's an outside chance your mother's running a restaurant from how much food's been delivered. I'm not Howard Stern, I'm not fucking dressing you down. I'm acknowledging the hilariousness of your activity door in all of this. I don't wanna be known as that. I want to be professional.

I'll be honest with you, it looks like it's what you wanna be known for. I'm not even looking down here. It's reading, it's reading is how want to be known exactly like that your signature moves now. Your Eric Andre show entrance every episode is Jacob Sonspatot. Hey it's Black Blue. The great Kyle Dunnigan joined the show along with Kurt Metzger and did some of his all-time

great impressions. And shared a story about one comic in particular that had no sense of humor about Kyle's spot-on portrayal of him. I mean, it's spot-on, hilariously spot-on. Jay and I got really stoned one night and I showed him on our little deck. You're, uh, I go, did you see done against Cuomo videos? And J's, J's initial response, he goes, I haven't seen them. He goes, but I don't think I know Cuomo's cadence well enough to even get why the impression would be funny.

And I go, neither did I, and then I watched it. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen. And all made sense instantly. And I showed him and my God almighty, did we were fucking crying, dude. It was no fun. I told Kurt the other day that I've showed it to anybody who's willing to watch it. It makes me laugh so quick story.

This is the- Don't suck us, man. We did like how? Let me share it, because the term Polish car wash we've cracked up. We literally, 50-50 came up with each part of Polish car, just like a stuc- I think I'm like old, I had like a headache for two days because I laugh so hard

I do it kind without the filters I Will tell you this big Jay Down below this is what I hear people tell me They call people who have fat slim. It's the same thing. Big J. I I gotta say in between in

between us us on the break. I just saw your video with Elon Musk and Pete Davidson. And and we know Pete and we kind of do we kind of do a goofy exaggerated Pete. So then to see your Pete, when you nail it, like you nail the way he talks, and it's just funny to see it

because I've known Pete for a long time, and I thought you nailed it, because our Pete is just us just blocking your nose and being like, I don't know, I'll put all the moves, but I'll put the moveies. I was like, oh, I out by two clients to me? That's like, what are you doing? But you do it perfect. When Elon invites him to the space party.

I don't know. Thanks. I don't know. I'll go. That's so funny. It's so fucking good. That's eerily good. Why do you throw a pussy at you like that? Do you have any

idea why you're getting tall? But here's the thing about Kyle, this is how great his impressions are. Even while he's doing it, you know, I have to filter on his fucking eye dips of the way Pete's eye dips. He gets his eyelids involved in his impressions, which are fucking insane. The main thing of my impressions are my eyes. Yeah. Yeah. He's the eye. Can you also do, please, because I've tried to recreate this for people, because I can never find the video, and I always fuck it up. But Burr showed it to me years ago. Can you please do, Bill, I'm sorry to do me years ago. Can you please do bill, I'm sorry to do this to you. Can you please do Bill Marr reading the cow jumped over the moon book to the kids?

Hey, Bull. Really think I'm going to read a children's book right now. You're fucking crazy. Okay. I'm not going to be on this channel. And the children's book. Okay. not to be on this channel. And then it's children's book. Okay. Oh my God. Have you heard from anybody that your bill mar has your bill mar got into bill mar himself? Yeah. Really?

It's actually funny because he went on Joe Rogan's podcast and he hates it. I know he's very aware of it because AJ Benza told me he shows him when he fucking hates it. And then he went on Joe's podcast. He brought it because AJ Benza, like told me he shows him when he fucking hates it. And then he went on Joe's podcast. He brought it up at a nowhere just to slam, and he said, it was terrible. And then Joe was like, no, it's, it's good. You got to hear it. So we went to tell Jamie to play and then Bill goes, I'm leaving and keep playing that.

He got really a bad play. He didn't want to play. And then it backed by it. And he wouldn't let him play it. And then me and Kurt actually wrote this like Bill Mark We did a sketch together was because Kyle was fresh off his scene. No, by the way, Kyle's even at the host hilarious by the story He's met Bill Marble for They were on the kitchen together I went to Hawaii with him on his private jet. He's like, I don't know him.

He's like, I don't know who he is. And then he's like, it's terrible. And the crowd represses a lot of rage that comes out through sketch comedy. I don't know. God. So I have so much rage that I just put him in. I actually, I could see him not remembering me because,

you know, I was invisible. Because he was back to you talking to your girlfriend the whole time. He was. I was there because of my girlfriend and he just ignored. That's so fucking funny that he's. I don't want. I mean, that's why on that video, like him and Trump. They're out of your memory, but like there's two baby hands clasping. Yeah, yeah, because I was like shaking the hands of a small doll.

What is Trump's ultimate? Like we realize his ultimate nemesis, Bill Trump is Trump, because they have the same hand size. You can't, they don't like being made fun of. So the very Trump like responds to like they wave bill responded to it on Joe It seems like the way Trump would respond to an impression about everybody that always people I hate Trump like they all exactly like him Ami like like Trump Do you think Mar put his hands up the first time you met Trump and he was like we're a perfect fit. We must battle I think that it's like a lot of sexual tension. But I think we've got it out. Kyle, Kyle, do you think, I mean, he

doesn't hate it, he must hate it because he thinks you're disparaging him, right? Or does he, or is he that ego maniacal that he just hates somebody doing an impression of an period? I was at the last one. I was not really being mean at all to him I had him reading like a children's story and you know, it was just like that was it What like this one you saw the orgy one right gang bag Really we we may have gone too far with the gang bag that I should put it It's always interesting how someone's gonna handle that if we brought it up before on the show It was on the show

But when ever last came on the show and I said I want us all to take turns doing an impression of Everlast rapping and Bert Kreischer was the one who really like he was like, dude, don't do that. I was like, why? It's just like, he knows he has like a unique voice in music. It's just funny that we're all taking a show. We're not calling him like a jerk off. Do you know what I mean? I'm comics. He's like, they don't take, they take themselves very seriously.

They take them out. But I, but wait, I still stand by. I don't think you would have had a problem. We didn't do it, but I was like, what, why would he have a problem with this? Yeah, we can't have you want to be in a beef. It's the first time I, I'd say his personality when he came in seemed he was like in the comedy stuff and shit.

And I like, I think you would have laughed it completely. I think all of this is when you do an impression of them because it does hit your ego and some does something that deconstructs what you do and you see it and you go, especially if you're kind of being, you're putting out a little bit of an act, then it's a little bit exposing.

Especially if you're a comedian, you're doing a stick that, and someone else just does it. Any roast ever have been a part of or any, was it when people come at me or shit on me, or we're just flat out like a friend making a joke or trivializing what I do,

which is what we all do to each other, it's funny. It's always like, fuck balls, cock, cunt, you ever fuck a black guy. And it's like, I tell you, I think it's funny because it's like, yeah, of course you can trivialize it right down that I get. I get what's funny about that. It would never hit me in some way.

So any impression, I would always just be like, if it was someone that I don't hear my voice in it, I'd be excited if someone was like, oh shit dude, that person's like nailed. It's fucking great. I don't know what. It's like, if you have a delicate ego, you don't want to hear an impression of yourself.

Do you think Kaitlyn Jenner has heard your impression of her? Yeah, baby. I'll tell you a lot, the girls. Yeah, the best Shit dude, I don't hear Caitlin Jenner speak anymore. Whenever on TV. I'm always like I hear yours I don't know I know Chloe's heard it because she posted a video doing Like one of my big repeating one of the lines from a video. Yeah, I I'm going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to be going to You just get side swiped out in front of the store one time. Just fucking Caitlyn Jenner just mowing you down We had one thing where it was more her fault than originally they thought like they thought like the front car

Stopped and then the other time and she it now there's saying the way the I don't know how they figured out But like she hit both fucking cars. She's like barrel Hello, I'm DJ Liu and on Thursday's lost quarantine tapes the guys decided to criticize the art of improv and Christine Evans decided to defend it. Enjoy. When comics are awkward and we're bad at something, immediately we just shut it down is like oh this sucks. This is gay because I guarantee if I try to do improv I would feel so weird and corny at one point where I'm like, open the cupboard. Open the cupboard. In the first instance standing there and I'm like god he would open the cupboard, open the cupboard. And then the person says standing there and I'm like, God, damn it.

This is awkward. The only improv I've ever done, I believe, was several times at a, at a black comedy circuit show. At the end of the show, the comics would play a game called a freeze tag. And it just like, another example of what are we doing this? Like, I hate it at the bus in every Sunday. Now the example of black people doing something cool and white people doing it making it way

cornea. It's all the way in order. It's pretty cornea. Really? Oh yeah. Yeah. So improv is the thing that bridges all races, everyone doing improv is cornea. It's sort of cornea.

Yeah, it was just kind of cornea. Well, it takes a cornyness to be like to put yourself out there because When you're doing improv you got to be part of the setup like you don't as a comic you're like controlling the whole thing So is the improv you're like This person you know, I mean you're just doing like awkward. It's dad jokes of The comedy world. However, that said, I was telling Sally we were busting the balls of military sports. We're busting the balls?

We're bringing the jobs. And... Busting the fungules. Yeah, I'm mad to him about being a ball, is that it? He said he watched him. He said he watched him at the Wild West comedy festival and he goes, and so I can't speak on the specials at all. I didn't watch him. He's like, put it, they did that room that night was like really, really impressive. Yeah,

all right. In fairness. And I told Jay we should because I said, here's the thing about trailers, almost any comedy trailer you watch, especially with Netflix, they love pulling out like the really animated movement. Yeah. Almost any trailer looks super cheesy. I told you I'm like, we should give it a chance and watch it. I go just to see like what what it's like outside of the trailer.

Christina, I can tell you right now, you give up my dick on a cutting board and hold a hatchet over it. And let me say, if I chuckle once, you'll cut my dick off. And I would, and I would, I would lay that down as the guarantee. I'm telling you, I will not enjoy, I will not enjoy. But I'm not saying it's not, I'm not saying it's not good for whatever that world is. But I would watch it to give it a legit, and I'm telling you, I, I would, I'd be long of us that I wouldn't be watching it to hate it. Like I would be watching it.

I definitely would be watching it to hate it. I know I could watch it and not laugh because I despise the setup of it so much. It would be like if somebody cooked me food that they were claiming was delicious, but when they served it to me, they spilled it on me every time. You know what I mean? And I'd be like, nothing is going to make me like this meal now because you keep dropping this fucking food on me. You know what I mean? And I'd be like, nothing is going to make me like this meal now because you keep dropping this fucking food on me. You know what I'm saying? Like this set up alone, just seeing them go, okay, I'm an assassin.

Schwartz is a avid, the blue thing from Avatar. We've got to work out some sort of sexual, whatever the fuck it is. That process part of it would annoy me so much. Joe, Joe, hang on. I'm from there, how do I wouldn't laugh. the fuck it is that that process part of it would annoy me so much. It's a joke. Joe, Joe, from there out, I wouldn't laugh. Oh, where you going with this though? Okay. So you got to work.

So we got to set up. Can we take a suggestion from the staff? Oh, would you guys like to anybody? Anybody have a place? They're avatars and an assassin and they are. Where are they? Where are they? I would say they're at a Starbucks. They're at a Starbucks. Joe, Joe, I need I need

a suggestion from the crowd. Jacob, where are they? Say Starbucks. Starbucks. Jacob, just say Starbucks. And black blue, black blue, what are they talking about at this Starbucks? News. News. There you go. And... ...Negin-il-il-il-il-il. What kind of accents do they have?

German. German? Okay. German and what? Give us two. Give us two. Asian. Asian and German and Evans what specifically from the news are they talking about

coming from his heart this is hard I have a new respect for him from this is this is torturous hard this is what these dorks do every time. Joe, we gave you all the pieces, dude, build the puzzle. What did Evan say? I said war, so they're at Starbucks or with German invasion accents. What war?

We laugh now. They're just talking about war, the concept of war in the news and the impending war. Do comedy now, Joe. Uh. The war between China and the US. Take a. I'll take a Gwande. Uh, that's what's in German accent.

I thought that was your German accent. I know. I know. He's going for more of a Southern Germany, but I don't. More of a Frankfurt than a man. He's doing an East Berlin. All right, I got this. I'll tell you that it's damn near impossible. I don't know how they do it. I don't know what it's to talk about the war over our soy logg this. Yeah. How do I do that? Yeah.

You get to your inverted ruler. Never trust, never trust a leader who has the same facial hair as vagina. Thank you, everybody. We are the bonfire logs. The flail log. Jay, let me walk in front of you, because that's how you end on the scene. Thank you. Thank you guys.'s how you end up in the scene and

you and you as we are the family of our lives and you guys have been awesome and get to donate we're going to buckets by the door thank you keep in probably well we're going to be at the delk most marathon doing a nine hour show and this is Jacob and we'd like to end this week with some good news for a weary world. I hate to do this while we're recording by no Black Lou had an announcement in a minute for it to him if he wants to do it right now.

I am officially publishing all your text messages that I stole on your phone. What's that? Man, he walked away like he was angry for a second. Oh Gonna be a dad Twins or am I seeing now you're seeing ahead where I saw let's a walk by 12 weeks so you knew you were waiting you were holding out wow you told me that's for saying something and I like couldn't stop smiling or new she was behind me she opened the door because we had these on the refrigerator

door yeah actually see them like Yeah, that's so exciting. You excited? I knew your strokes were deep and true, dude. That's great. That's so fucking amazing, man. Thank you. That's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome. One that you know of? Yeah, do you owe me? Now, Black Lou, I gotta say, you gotta stain this kid's life, man, break the cycle. Oh, what is that? I'm not gonna be a Gary, I promise you. Yeah, dude, that's a lot of pressure. If you come from a Gary and you're just like,

I got a real, I got to really step it up. Or you just go into the family business, leave your kid behind. Oh man, that man's gonna have the good hair. He's got that good hair. I think he's gonna have the good hair. Oh, he's got that good hair. I think he's gonna have the good hair, dude. Tell you. I don't know what the non-racist term for

interracial babies is. I used to not, I didn't know Molotto was racist. Racist Americans. Well, you find out, you find out pretty quick when you say it in front of the wrong person. You go, what are they, Molotto pretty quick when you say it's a further wrong person. You got one of them a lot Oh, what are you finding? 50s clarified I don't hang out with those type of people Justin

How long did you have to wait till you find out the sex or you guys gonna find out the sex? Oh that baby's having sex 20 weeks 20 weeks. 20 weeks, yeah. Oh shit. What do you want? What do you want, Lou? Big dick black kid, dude. You know what you want? Yeah, that's the answer.

Fucking quarterback, maybe. Wide receiver. Huh? Yeah. Sticker artist. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I'm small and fast, right? Yeah. It's like, it's a Toyota Camry, but doesn't put rooms on it. You know what I mean? Just sensible. Exactly. Jacob Batat back in the room. Jacob, you know, Justin.

Jacob. Also, Jacob, you missed the announcement. Blackroot, does Jacob know? No, I was, I was waiting for him to come back. Shit, that was my bad. Jacob, look. What happened? Yeah, I didn't think you were going to know what, that was my bad. Pick a bloke. What happened? Yeah, I didn't think you were gonna know what that is.

That's the inside of a woman. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha and daddy's meet each other and they like each other. When they, uh, when they, when they love each other very much, the man will put his cock in her crunch. I can't tell you. Before we even jump in, let me tell you a fun kid story. The thing you have to look forward to because this really knocked Christina. Christina almost, she's self-alcano laughed at this yesterday. So we went to visit Carla Isabella and the baby yesterday. And the baby was running around. We were like, the baby's five. Yeah, yeah,

yeah, she's five. We were fucking around with her. I was like, well, I keep changing. Nothing to get too old on a tangent on the Netflix. Everyone uses the same Netflix thing, but we have the different people's pictures up there. The avatars. So we change the avatars, they're all changed, the baby's avatar or something that when she sees the next day, she'll always be like, that's Jay. And so I was like, I go, uh, Juliana, I'm gonna change your, uh, I'm gonna change your Netflix picture to a butt. I'm gonna change to a, a big old butt. And she's like, you can't change to a a butt. She's changed it to a butt. I'm gonna change yours to a butt, a butt coup. And I go, a butt coup, what's a butt coup? And she goes, a slide to the,

she goes, it's a slide to the coup. And I went, I went, a slide to the coup. I go, what do you mean, and Carla for some reason, she said the answer has changed over time because I don't know why else you would have done this. Carla goes, she goes, show them what a coup is what's a coup? I'm nervous the baby then proceeded to grab and slap a carless snatch for 30 40 seconds Carla wasn't stopping her very fast. She just kept patting her on the chauch

Jesus in black lures his lesson of what not to do Which made I go car I go, what is a buckoo? And she goes, and she goes, a slide to the coop. And now it's starting to make me think, that's what she calls a tank. Yeah, yeah. A button to the coop, the slide to the coop. What else would the slide to the coop be?

A, to the coop. Genius or molested? And it's a death and death and death and death. And a few to Rosa. Yeah. A stop two times. Genius are molested Death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and death and fun and laughable, and you're like, ah, I bet there's people that discover abuse that way, with they're like, it's like a noodle noggin on your dipstick, and you go, what's that? And you go, that's when you take Mr. Ralph's Weeder.

Yeah, Ralph, you go. It's not formal, I think if you only touch the buttcoat. Hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM 95, or on on the Serious XM app. Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM.