The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Diceman Cometh (w/ Dave Smith, Luis J. Gomez & Andrew Dice Clay)

Episode Date: June 12, 2018

On this episode we find Big Jay Oakerson sharing stories of running into a gay bar in desperate need of a toilet only to find to the bathroom “occupied,” going on a school trip to the Hershey Factory in Pennsylvania, followed by tales young love with guest hosts Dave Smith and Luis J. Gomez. Later, listen as Andrew Dice Clay calls into The Bonfire to show his respect for Big Jay and then how the guys spot Paris Hilton outside the studio and what they do to try and get her to come onto the show.SUBSCRIBE NOW for the best of The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder and listen every Monday thru Thursday at 6pm Eastern/3pm Pacific on Comedy Central Radio, SiriusXM, channel 95!

Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. O'Kristen. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio. Serious XM95 or on demand on the Serious XM app. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM. I used to live in the West Village.

Jacob, are you going to tell? Are you stoned now? I'm going to tell some crazy stories we haven't heard before. Well, yeah. I used to laugh at me. I used to live in the West Village. Jacob, are you going to tell, are you stoned now? I'm going to tell some crazy story we've ever heard before. Well, yeah. I used to live. I used to let my uncle really ram it into my shitter. He would take me to buy toys. I used to live, the street was a gay street as the name of the street.

But there were, there were, it was a, it's the village. What village? Like, gay bars all around where I lived, but I would go to this 24 hour gym because I worked at a restaurant so I would go after, it was late at night, it was like one in the morning, I was coming back from the gym and I just turned on to the, my street and I looked to my right and there's two guys sitting on an apartment step and one of them is just blowing the other guy on the street. Yeah, that's great. In the middle of the street and I just they were looking at me like what you got a problem

and I just I mean I just kept walking obviously but And Jacob's point is that's why Hitler was sort of right. Everybody was a little bizarre. No, it's very bizarre. I went into, I think I had to take it, I had to take an emergency shit one time and I ran and much younger. I was maybe 19 or 20 and I Westside Highway going to do a show in the Bronx. And I burst into a bar. I was going to be in the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner of the corner.

I was going to be in the corner of the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner. I was going to be in the corner of the corner.

I was going to be in the corner of the corner. It was grows unusable shitty bathroom. So I came out like defeated. I go, yeah, the men's bathroom is destroyed. They go just use the women's bathroom. No one's in there anyway. And as I look at them, like really no women in here, there was like a dance club sort of. I look why look at it as a bunch of guys, it's a bunch of guys in like bikini underwear dancing on stage And it's all gay guys there and I go oh good so they'll use the woman's bathroom You could no one's in there so I go okay, and I went in the women's bathroom and what I saw was a tranny

Profile of a tranny blowing a dude tranny's in the knees spits the dick out and goes occupied honey And just and I and I left and I didn't shit. That experience for people who got married pretty quickly after high school or college and stuff. I'm going to have people feel like they wasted three years being with something like, to do your whole, I remember the couples of high school, they were kind of together a lot of, you know, several years and you'd be like, if they do end up together, they're miserable usually. I know there's like exceptions to the rule, obviously, but I mean, like people stayed together for three years,

don't you feel like in hindsight, if you were, if you were like a normal popular kid, when you think you were like, shit, why did I? I mean, I guess you might feel that way, but it's like a grass-as-greener type thing, but I don't know if those people are any more miserable than people who just like Fuck a ton and then settle down

miserable I'm just saying time here. I was like getting made regularly forget the fucking I'm talking about the of putting in your high school years Going through Relationship shit like how many it's like how could you conversations and like you put yourself in these high emotional Could you conversations and like you put yourself in these high emotional situations with someone where you're like It's not gonna like in 10 years. You're gonna forget every emotional thing I had with like a my ex-girlfriend Cheryl when I was a teenager It's so if I saw her I'd be like hey getting your heart broken when you're like 16 or something like that There's nothing worse than that because you have none of that perspective Yeah, you literally think that's it. You're like, you're your first

love. I remember Chris and I was that girl like breaking up with her and like just convulsing like crying so hard that it was like fucking what? You're facing your face and your mattress. I had that! Oh, the world's over! I had that! I had that! Yeah, and I did everything. Every single piece of heartbreak, even if I didn't like date and hook up in high school at all, like there were still the girls I liked and it seemed like they liked you for a little bit and all those things were just so crushing.

I had already learned the defense mechanism to not like girls that didn't like me. I had just done having, but. I was done having my high school He was no longer I'm gonna crush on the chick like if there was a hot chick in school I don't have a like a secret crush. I was like Compatent enough to have a conversation Nine times out of ten that hot chick hated me and we were like I didn't like her And I would call her a fucking stupid bitch and whatever it is stupid bitch. I'm gonna go check off town The only time I went to Hershey Park in my life for a school trip, everybody's.

You came with a bib and fork. I may have never told you this. We didn't go to Hershey Park with a Hershey PA, but they took us to the Hershey, the chocolate store, and everyone was buying candy bars and whatever, and I saw a bag, just like a clear plastic bag of these chocolate discs, but it was like gargantuan for way less money than everybody was spending

on these score bars and whatever they were getting. So I went home with that and got in the bus to go back to Philly. I said, I'm like, everybody, and I was just unsweetened baking chocolate and it was just gross to think chocolate. It was just gross. It was just gross. How many times did you get thirded for you to give up?

I think you'd have to, I found that. I kept eating it just to be like, I don't even care. You know what, Tony, buddy, suck. You go, you go, no, I went this on purpose. I don't need the sugar. It's healthier. Yeah, it's better for you, actually. The undisputed king of comedy

in my eyes and should be everybody's eyes and i don't want to get emotional here but this is a big deal is officially our first conversation and i am uh... so proud to present to all the campers out there my comedy here everyone the living legend mister and your dice clay big day we are already ready, brothers. Hell yeah. You don't understand when I would do all those arenas

and I've heard you talk about all that shit, I would have an eight piece band. And if there were now or in a half a filth, I'd first go into the Elvis concert. But I wouldn't mock them. a filth, I'd first go into the Elvis concert. But I wouldn't mock them, Jerry Schilling, who produced the new Elvis thing on HBO, who happened to be Elvis's best friend, would always give me the rights to redo Elvis music.

Oh, right. So you knew that i learned everything i know from about performing from alvis president not comedians comedians are a whole that that that that that that that that and that was pointed out to

me i had an opportunity some years back to go on tour uh... with some bands i've been like rob zombie and corn and bands like that and in going out with them those guys would tell me when i go out on the stages uh... to do comedy in front of these rock and roll crowds you know which is it isn't always the easiest thing they were like be more rock and roll about they you know, which is isn't always the easiest thing. They were like, be more rock and roll about it. They said like perform like own it, you know, I mean, like where if you want to wear something, you know, you can go on stage and wear something little flashier or goody or whatever your

look is, you know, like kind of just do it up bigger. And most comics will laugh at you for that. You know, that's kind of the nature of comedy is to go like strip it down this is kind of this is too much yes let me ask you i used to call myself the serpico of the comedy story you know we're going to go well yeah the cop yeah so so when i was doing dice and you know and i started wearing the leathers and especially once the career took, well, how jealous all these cocksuckers on any career takes off. But I'm a bigger than life guy and the jackets I had made were all my influence of Elvis Presley.

So the collars were gigantic and the sleeves and i really like giving people something they never saw before but what was funny is when i first came out to l.a. and i feel these assholes on stage you know like leno and you know these guys don't move they look dead after them when they stand up there sweaters and sacks

and they're funny and that's inaters and sacks. And they're funny. I'm not saying they're not funny, but they didn't move. So when I went back to Brooklyn, my mother would ask me about the comics out in LA. And I would say they're funny, but they don't know anything about like entertaining people. So she goes, so what are you going to do? And I go, I'll just become the Elvis of comedy. I go look at the face.

Wow. I like the non-shaw goes, I'll just do it. I'll just be the turn man in a comedy. I go, mom, mom, I'm dropped dead fucking good. I go, I go out to LA. I don't need one girlfriend like I would have him Brooklyn Anything that moves I stick on my dick. I don't care if it's a fucking waitress a cover girl I don't care if she's got some kind of little deformity like a you know like I really got fucked up at birth What do I do? As long as I got somebody in front of me, equal opportunity Elvis. No, but I would bring these girls up to Crestville,

which I live for longer than any comic ever lived there, the house that meets the own. And I lived there for six and a half years. And, you know, I have a girl there every night just to explain, do you want to stand that I'm going to be the biggest thing that ever came out of the comedy world, ever? And that's what I went and did. And then for them listening, I'd let them suck on my dick.

I'd probably just have to. have to look at time with them. Nice girls. You know, I remember one time Mitchy comes walking in. And this manager of the Wetswood Comedy Store, do you know what Cresta was, the house? Yeah, I know that Mitchy on the house on the comics would live there. OK.

So I'm on this, like a half moon porch, overlooking the city, okay? And I'm facing the house, and this girl happens to be on in the circuit on my deck. And he comes nitty down the stairs looking for August. I mean, mean nothing stopped it comes right she's feeling and she goes have you seen all this and like the girls not gonna get what's the girl gonna do and i'm like dick and a fucking up and i go and i think he's down at the store

you know and she looks at the girl and she goes and when you're done here you fight you know that that's better fit it she let her be able to do it you're fired, you know, you're fired. You're done. I would grab these girls and tell them what I was going to be. And what do you think would be blasting on my little cassette boom box?

Elvis! Everyone, hope you're enjoying the best of the week right now. The clip we're going to play in Favves, Paris, Hilton, but not actually being in the room more of what we were doing in Preparation to try to get her to come into the room and maybe our methods were a little strange. Let's sit back and enjoy Who's that shit is that that's Paris Hilton son of a bitch Get her in here dude. I love the lujus in that look at her Lujus in there like an old cop where you go son of a bitch go get her I promise if you get her here my first question

I'll be where have you been? Good luck. She's got a whole fucking fleet. We get somebody out front or something. Take pictures you creep if this guy gave him a lawyer Lou. Yeah, though she had great big boobs I mean she's not gonna. Why don't you guys stuff gathering around like the Beatles just walked in? Yeah, someone see if talent will send her in here Guys, now you guys are sitting with your mouth open with your friends against you guys Flicking your beans the parasol being in a sparkly tux. Why does every other show get these people these times? Well, that's fat Jewish in parasol and that's has nothing to do with us

Is that a thing? Well, that's just like she probably came in to see him. Why? That has nothing to do with us. Is that a thing? Well, that's just like she probably came in to see him. Why? Can we steal Paris home for a second? Give me a pretty white woman. I want to take her next door. Where are you fucking voodoo magic glue now? It's time! Yeah, hello. Yeah, I mean come on black Lou show me your amazing skills of saying hi to someone You don't know. Yeah, black Lou. He's going to get it. Oh shit. Where if she comes in? I just want to say that. What if she comes in in in the bag over ahead and her hands are tied up because you wonder Yeah, I got her. Yeah, I don't go out in the hallway Blood might start coming through the door

Black Lou, what did you do? He's like I got the job done and they're just filming them, huh? Yeah, I mean by the way Are you talking about because Dr. Phil was on Nikki show? Yeah, I forgot about that. You know what? That doesn't bother me at all because we he's a piece of shit. No, I'm not I'm just saying we don't have access to anybody. I mean, I'm at listen Dr. Phil is here in the morning. So no, I'm not even talking about that at all. I'm talking about when we see people who come in at this time too or did you not know? I want Paris Hilton right now. Did you watch your sex tape member it? Yeah, I watched it with the night.

How dicks are we if we just run that underground? I mean, you have to. Oh, Christine, please, please. On the screen, the entire time's in that room, please have her sex tape rolling. Please, please, please. Nothing else. I mean, she gives a real long job or that thing

Christine stop looking around and get your Director let me tell you what Christine is Christine's the person in the military that doesn't want to launch the missile full screen Christine doesn't want to launch the missile and Jay you got your back to him Christine doesn't want to launch the missile and Jay you got your back to him And memory of 9-11 as Alex starts I never I never realized that I mean this is Oh, yeah, that's uncomfortable don't change it Christine. We're practical joking ourselves Don't brag on the show Put it back on Put it back on the screen please I can't get it

Put it back on the screen Oh god Put it back on the screen I gotta move so hard Oh he's boofin her She's getting so hard I gotta move so hard I want to see I want eyes on Eric Paris' team.

I wanna get the guy in Deb Studio. To put that on too. To pay attention that we're showing it. And then point to her. See what his reaction is. Dude, we just got another cycle and then we're gonna lose our show for that. No!

I think we get to a better part of this. See, she's really throwing some neck into it. I'm talking about Right there. Yeah, look She's throwing job at it Why cuz your dick's not that big Rick Salman he was bedding them all at that time. Yeah, dude He that he banged like bring up who Rick Salman banged it was a list You should just put a picture of Rick Salman's dick up on the See if you notice it Christine just a giant picture of his dick Rick Solomon's dick put it back on the screen put it back on the screen for a second

Is this the pop is this Christine don't turn it off on the pop Oh, she's taking it in the chops. What it's so funny if she's like made conversation and she goes like this She has anyways from the next p. Oh my god. That's not it Where she at she's back. She's her backs to us. Oh, yeah Well, you know of sure face was to you. She'd be throwing neck at it Jewish you got that stole a bunch of comedy bits and made him popular face you stole Michael Chase He stole Michael Chase. He stole Michael Chase. You're turning into a meme.

Now he stole our guest, Paris Elton. That's like it. So his whole thing is just famous for... Stealing Joe. Copying right in front of me. Have we read this out to see if she can come on? A loose checking. Okay.

Like loose bullying and not a choice. But I blew it out there. I mean, he's out there working. Now, he's better pull the... Oh, walk. I'm a black person on a show. She won't come in. He should definitely pull that card.

Yeah, yeah. He goes, oh, you don't want to be on a black show? Walks in, this is for like... He's I'm a black person on a show, she won't come in. He should definitely pull that card. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, oh, you don't want to be on a black show, walks in, just for like, see entire reason he's on the show. So we could do things like that. I'll get it, she just want to be in the room with the black man. We'll go tell our fans. Yeah, no, it's cool.

You know, it's weird TMZ. No, I'll come in. Don't you mean? She's still so gorgeous. I watched you get bounced at a line at a Delta fucking check in at DIA made my Fakes are not hot. She's made my day. She's made my I'm watching her try to cut the entire line You think I makes her not hot though? Oh, she whatever she's hot

I better she fucked you to think her stories were great You know man, she's actually lived a pretty like full life and she actually has a lot of adventures Not if I just bang you Jay. I have to have a crush on you. Yeah, dude, she still looks, I eat. She's like perfect. It's not her. I think you can bang her, Lou. I can check her.

Do we have a zoomed-in picture of like her tits out or something? Then we can just do that. No. Did you get her? It's possible. Is it? Hmm. Possible.

I had to pull some strings. I had to lie. What did you say? Did you have to fuck the fact you're working. We're not even saying we're coming out called two questions with a guess we couldn't get. And if she could just come in real quick, we'll ask a couple questions. We'll ask a couple questions.

We'll figure out what you could do. We'll figure out what you could do. We'll figure out what you could do. We have two questions, where have you been? Number one of them. Yeah, and could you beat up Pamela Anderson in a fight? Cause you guess about DataRick's all right. Oh, I was gonna say, I was gonna have her rank us,

who she wants to fuck more. All of us. Don't do that. Everyone. All in the room? Yeah. Okay. But I'm gonna say Christine wanted to know.

Yeah. Backskins the wall. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh. Gun in your head. Night vision goggles on. Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Ha, ha. And a night vision goggles on. That was guy hopes somebody home God I was my vision on I'm vision on It doesn't most of that video just like a raccoon Get fuck Just looks like a raccoon funny

Just look like raccoon go to a pale trash I'm talking about that Christine what are your two questions you would ask her What was the shape of Kim Kardashian's original bush? Oh good call You know what I would ask if you love that word world what you ask? I would ask her if Kim if Kim Kardashian still takes her calls. Oh, it's not a bad one Obviously she had been fingered by Brian Austin green. Christine Where did you get your leather knuckle gloves from? She thought that was gonna be

J's or does J's go to? Is she wearing them now? Yep. You know you should do his put your hands up to the window, bang him against going this. Go like this J. Huh? Huh? Do you want to grow friends? Oh, they're talking. They're talking. She's sort of gonna fetch you. I wish right now. Do you want to be my friends? Which means I have a shot I'll tell you this I'm also fat in Jewish You're big. Well, I look cooler than fat you. I hope we're gonna wrap this loss tapes up Hey for the record. It's our for edging you

We can't we listen. Maybe it happened yesterday. We don't even know Christine one more time one more time for it Do it. I like this game was rushing to let and make it some making some ranch though Making some ranch Lou looking to write the face black Lou looking to write the face while we do it Christine do it for a second stop what you're jacket on dead you can't run away from this Are you doing it? You think serious turn off our internet. Yeah, it's not Dude the cut us off dude. Oh, yeah, oh she's throwing her chops at it, Dan Christine put it back up for a second put it back up for a second So uncomfortable it's so uncomfortable. All right turn it up turn up Dan so we're calm big jacomity calm

We love you guys. Bye. Bye. Hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio. Series XM 95 or on demand on the Series XM app. Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM.

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