The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Fang (feat. Robert Kelly)

Episode Date: November 17, 2022

A sexy song prompts Jay and Bobby to recall their past loves.

I'm Big J. Okerson and I'm Dan Soder. You can listen to full 2 hour long episodes of the Bonfire 2 Hours. That's a real commitment to us. Well, it's on Series XM or with the SXM app. It's easy just go to SeriesXM.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now the bonfire with Big J. Ocarson and Dan Soder. You know both of my men, they are tight like that. They got a big stick just like a baseball vest.

Do it to me all night long. I want you to do it to me baby. No need any dear because I'm home. They know I'll be strong, both in mode. You learn the song a little bit. Everyone has to lose seal, both in Bobby's sentence to me a week ago. I love this song. That's up. I'm in the sixth day as I go.

He goes, can we come back from a commercial with this? Yes, we can. We should also find out what else exists in the world like this, because this does not strike me. It's a song that would be sung at the time. But again, as we, as I get older, I feel like sex has only been around since the 50s. You don't realize everything was like perverted in all always.

Yeah, they were just doing bad shit back in the day. Just nobody knew about it. Nobody, you couldn't find out about it. Yeah. I mean, think about the shit they did back in the old West. Every Western has just a whore being fucked by everybody in that bar. And then it's not a tub in sight. But just people being in the kink,

thinking like, you know, like Thomas Jefferson, like blowing out a candle and then holding his knees behind his ears while someone comes in to lick his butthole, he's into that, like the picturing of like perversion. Just ruin the conversation. In those times. Say I'm out, I'm just saying,

I was just like this nuts hammered into a drag. Yeah, you were like some like yanked on hard. And there's some girl who knows that he goes, oh, Sam Adams. I mean, there's no one to tell, but he likes his nuts drag hard. Yeah. I have you suck up on my pussy. I suck up on you dick. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Do you, uh, other songs? No, it's not a song. I love the go down. Imagine the guy at the, at the, uh, to be in Kermit.

Oh, there it is. My baby's recording the record. He's like, uh, yeah, she's going to record this song and she just comes in. You suck up on my pussy. And back in the day. What was that made? Like the 30s, 40s? That was old.

Well, yeah, that's old for sure. It was not that it's racist. It was 35 black me up on that black black black black. Black him up hell yeah. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. He does. I was telling Bobby about this on commercial break. It's only two seconds, but it's the Muppet Babies intro. Fuck it greatest. On a family guy where they show the Mishmash of a Miss Piggy Kermit baby. We now return to Muppet Babies. The Piggy, I don't think Kermi Jr. is doing so well. Kill me!

I'm in constant pain! Wow! That's so brilliant. It's the fucking bastard. No one even thinks that his liver was hanging out. Is the jeans didn't go together? Um, Jake about that we find enough better website for the prisoners or do you want to bring up the songs list?

I have another one here. This is supposed to be pretty popular from 1931 called my my girls pussy. Love it. Love it. 1931. Oh, shout out to Harry Rollie and his orca. Can you imagine the orchestra getting sheet music from my girls pussy? This is during the depression though, so they're probably just happy to have a job. Oh, get it. The pure instrumental. Yeah, scroll ahead a little bit. There it is. One pet I like to pet and every evening we get said I soak it every chance I get it's my

Place I never Puzz and I love the thoughts it's So but I don't mind because it's Pussy often it goes out at night returns that break of dawn Tonight returns a break of dawn So let up what the weather's like is always nice and warm Always clean in giving pills never mean, but it's the best I've ever seen My girls pussy

Mr. Matthew yeah, the bones take it away That's pretty great You never thought you're supposed to hear those words coming through a phonograph Look at big horn your big horn You know that you'd hear a piccolo with those those words coming out dude. we forget. I always thought, too, you said that, our generation was the one that made really dirty shit, but they were pigs, because we're doing it with no religion. They were doing it and going to church on Sunday. You know what I mean?

They would go, they were doing it and they had a walk around and have canes and hats and genderflect, and they would just... Well, you couldn't let out your like perversions really. So it was really like dark cornered. And that's, like stag films are the most brutish sex in the world ever. Is that old porn?

Yeah, like the old like no volume, like music playing porn. And it really is like a guy lifting a girl's dress and like squeezing her butt cheeks really hard and then like squeezing her boobs and then just like laying her down missionary and fucking her but that was porn of the time. I was like, let's go fucking the woods real quick, we'll film it and people will buy it. Yeah, point it to your basements. Yeah, point, I mean the things that they did behind closed doors, you had to hide it. Like you couldn't, you know what I mean? That's pretty...

It's pretty much darker. It's way darker when you can't tell your friend, you know what I mean? Oh yeah. Well, and then you said for the old West things always has like the girl who just fucks everybody. And they never seem to mind. They're always like, yeah, so what? I keep a little gun in my garter belt and I get plowed out by these toothless idiots. Yeah, it's like three in the afternoon.

Her pussy's been dusty for a month. You know what I mean? You even see a drink of water, the whole, she's dehydrated. You just no showers. So these have like a basin full of other dudes come in the corner. Yeah, you had to just jump in a tub. Just a cleaf into it like a spittoon.

Faa! Hang on the last guys, just look at some lugi in there. Taa! Taa! Tee! It's a thing. Tee! Like back in the West, like I watched the Yellowstone, the Pri.

You know what I mean? And dude, they were banging. I mean, I don't even like kissing my chick when she has coffee breath. Yeah. Never mind beef jerky. Beaver meat. Yeah, just fucking. Oh, she's just roots.

Yeah. Roots and she has gold rush breath. Yeah. I mean, dude, and they didn't shave. They didn't wash They hair was sure. I mean, and they wore the same outfit every day. Yeah, like they were in the same dress And then the ladies had to wear that they had to wear shit on top of shit on top of shit Like in the summer. Mm-hmm. Because that's the way ladies dress. Yeah, the stupid fluffy pajamas.

That girl's wearing them right there. Yeah, right. Oh, it must have been so hot. Yeah, just that thing just marinate and they'll day under a thick, fat, old, tiny hair. Oh, she's just doing gardening, picking tomatoes, tending to the cattle, and then she comes in, cooks dinner. And the best you're going to get is she squats over a bowl of water and fingers yourself

with some lime. The best you're going to get, she does a mickfe over a bowl of water, like an old Jewish guy splashing her pussy. The best you could hope for. And it's just the water's beating off because it's like water proof now. You go clean your pussy, you'll be like, with what? What do you clean your pussy with in these times? We're gonna drought.

Yeah. Hey, why don't you go dig a weld cocksucker? I may not think my pussy. Yeah. I'm sorry about pushing that perfect. There's no things for that yet. Hey, when we use snake shit, what do you want to use? There's no liquid out here. Try this bottle brush. It hurts. You took me to the Yukon for gold. We got nothing. All right. We got nothing.

All right. I got a big bush. You're horrible at finding gold. I got a big old muff connected to hair that goes almost down to my knees. That was sucked. That must be like, like, like, girls who hook up with a comic that never makes it back in the day.

Just going all the way out there, taking that big trip and your dumb husband doesn't know how to find gold. He was, oh, I'm not a good digger. You have to dig. Did I have you ever made an excuse to walk away for, because mine has to do with hair, where you stopped fucking in the middle just been like, this is too far from me even.

This is more than I've ever wanted to do and I'm done with, like, it's like, I've hit my low. I'm like, I have to stop fucking here. I'm not attracted to this situation. Yeah, I, didn't I tell you this last week? Dude, I'm at that age where you, like, I, you may have, I'm a dude. I'm forgetting things to work out.

I'm not in a Hampshire with my friend Jamie. Did I tell you that last week? What was it walking away from a chick? We, I hope so. We were up in a Hampshire. I, if I told this again, I'm so sorry. So we were up in the hamster. My land is.

But back then my uncle had land, but just land. So we would camp on it. My friend from Boston, Italian guy. I mean, you know, Italian. He has a Cadillac. I said, let's go up to my uncle's land. We can camp out. We went up there and they have Wears Beach.

It was one of those old towns, you know, where they have the arcades and people go there, but it's off season, so it's just locals. So we're up there, it's kind of like this weather, where it's like chilly, you know what I mean? There's still some leaves on the tree, but it's, you know, and we found two locals.

One was a blonde kind of, I didn't tell this last week. No. I, one was a blonde girl, but her eyes kind of went different directions, you know, I made sure. She was a little stupid, right? And the other one was a lot of little little walls.

The other one was just big, you know what I mean? It was just a big country girl that came from the woods. She had a ponytail in, and we got in the car with them. They just got in with us, and we drove around, and then we took, we took, we, Is there food where we're going? We took it out old motel, because it was closed for the season.

So we're in there, and Jamie starts fooling around with his girl, and you know, she's cute. She's not bad, she got a good body or eyes are weird, but she's got a good body. I didn't know if she was looking at me, or looking at him, but she's doing, and he looks back, and my girl keeps going, I don't wanna fuck. I don't wanna fuck. And looking at me or looking at him but she's doing it and he looks back and my girl keeps going, I wanna fuck.

I wanna fuck. And I'm just sitting there like, hey, I'm patting her leg like a dog. It's okay, we're gonna, I'm almost done here. I'm just waiting, I'm being a wingman. And Jamie turns around and goes, dude, come on, stop being an asshole. Fuck her, have some fun in your life.

Let's do this. So I'm like, oh god, damn it. So she has a condom, I put the condom, I started fucking her. All of a suddenom I put the kind of style fucker All of a sudden Jamie clicks the light on and he's he goes I Was kidding you fucking idiot. What are you out of your mind? I would why you I would never fuck her She was bad dude in front of her he said that he's that a right to her right to me and I jumped off you cock soccer because I you know I felt like you know like pesky

Want this was yeah, I didn't want this. Yeah, I didn't want it at all. And it, dude, let me tell you something. It was so bad when it went in. There was no, nothing. There was no pushback. It just was in her with no feeling. Yeah.

Like, there was no, like no wetness, no dryness. I was just in her body pumping like air. It was like fucking, like aness. I was just in her body pumping like air. It was like fucking like a pillow. It was terrible. And then yeah, and I jumped off and then we dumped them. We made them walk back to the fuck. Let's get the fuck out of here. Yeah, that was really time. I had one. No, the other times where I was like, I should have, but I just like, I just couldn't be that guy. And the only one I made like, I don't like that you set me up you have to do this and I did it now you like I couldn't know I'm the guy you clock suck I'm

done I'm saying I've done it all right we'll get to it man I'm fucking panicked here I'm a girl came over this is I mean pretty early internet even it was like the end of thes or early 2001 or something maybe. And this, I'm gonna go AOL chat. AOL chat. Yeah, she came over and she, it was so weird. She came over to my place and we were like, she's like, that's just fucking, she was down to just fuck and then she goes, I love to be fucked from behind.

And I was like, okay, she had like no four play tour or nothing and like, but I was like young enough that I'm like, I'm gonna fuck so I'm hard already It's fine. I'm putting a condom on and then she just pulled her pants down there or knees and got on all fours And I mean she had hair. I don't even know if she had pussy hair because I saw it was mine. She had hair on her ass cheeks Cheeks! Cheeks! Lower back the whole thing. Wow. And I remember like, I was like, all right,

just like almost look away and go. And then when I put my hands on her cheeks, like steady myself, you felt like, not even that you just fucked up bristly heat. Like it was so, I hated it. And I was like, I was, I think I just said like, oh, I just got to have a relationship or something. I don't want to like, jump in.

I, I, this is probably a mistake and I think I just made some weird excuse to get it out. Because you knew she knew it was her hair on her ass cheeks. Well, she knew. That was her test. If a man's gonna love me, he's gonna love this hairy ass. I wasn't that kind for her.

No, you were not. She released me and let, and self, I came back. Yes, she, it's because she used to be a centaur. Yeah. She's adapting to human life now. She had the horse part of her cutoff. They made an asshole of it She was sort of an immortal who's now the last one they let her become human Yeah, she dragged this syrup or something she became human with the hair and her ass is still there also early internet we did one we met a girl It was very weird she her and her friend came over to my house my mom's house

I should say during the day when I was babysitting my brother and sisters with a couple buddies of mine were there too And it was a legal now maybe one was cute the other one not so much like short blonde But definitely the short blonde hair was the pig of the group Like the one that was like yeah, we're gonna use the internet to go fuck or hook up with guys and the other one was just kind of like I guess we're meeting people So they leave after like an hour no one just bullshit hanging out. They leave that night Or and we would meet my buddy two buddies would sit around that chat thing on the computer Yeah, it was the great most insane thing in the world that you could do that. And just, you know, hey, age sex location, you have a, your screen name sounds like a girl.

You know, it's like Amanda XX and you're like, ooh, that sounds like a slut. Let's see what her age sex location. Well, that's when it was just dirty people on there. That's because, you know, I mean, regular girls didn't even know about it. Back then, it was just people looking to do some weird shit. And those things happened. I bet more than that. I bet more than that.

I absolute strangers where I had to call, because I was at my mom's house in the house phone still, and anything from like 50 something year old adults to people my age would like phone sex, like jerk off over the phone. With a person you've never met in the chat room, they just give you the number and they're already kind of going and just I would have to like, I'm like, are you gonna call now?

Are you gonna, and then I have to like call my beeper so I would get be the other line ring and not wake my mom and step pop up Do you have it? Did you ever sex? Do you have a sex text on the a. O. L Like jerk off to the words you just keep typing just dirty shit. Yeah, yeah, and a You keep you know, what do you want me to do? I want to grab them and grab you and then I want to force your head down And you're gonna go back and forth. Yeah.

I need a visual though. I can't just do it the way but here's a visual or an audio. I would always because I don't know how to spell. So I would always get to what I really wanted to say I could never say. You know what I'm saying? I'm sorry. I'm just laughing because what I would when you're every time a hundred percent of phone sex I've had in my young when I was young

Was the last time I did that was Worse just audio I would always request and it's so funny. I go Put it down the fun down into your legs so I could hear it and all your boots going down to you like He said that same sail looks like a dog drinking water and a bowl And I'd be like oh, it it's happening. That would work for me. Yeah, but it's really just a dog drinking water. Probably just a dog drinking water. But to finish the thing with the girls that came into my house,

they left and late that night, me and my buddies were huddled around and she reached out to us again, the dumpier one. And we, and she was like, yeah, you guys can come over. My parents are asleep. So if you want to come over, come on over. She's still kind of far away, but we drove there late night. So we're probably 17, 18. And we drove and we went inside. And she was like, yeah, let me just like turn off the alarm and come let you guys in.

We went down to her basement. And it was, oh, she's like a pool table. And all kinds of cool shit there. We were having a lot of fun with it. We didn't have to be quiet or anything and then but it shows like the young nature of like boys and not knowing what to do always and how not Dark how dark and perverted you weren't yet at that time because this girl we played truth or dare were there and she let us do We all started getting turned off when she dared everybody to suck her nipples. And then by the second person was warned, the third person went into it almost nauseous already because she had hair on her nipples, which was gross.

It's a common thing, by the way. I know. No, I don't know a problem. I could be with a girl as nipple hair forever. I'm not stepping up for a weapon. I think it's disgusting. It is disgusting. But if you have herring your tits and you don't get it taken care of That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm here. It's a parent is I'm sorry

They're like I was a feminist. You know, it's a common problem by did you know? It's most women 92% of women my mom has a hairy nipple Be cool. Yeah, be cool Jay don't be such an ass dude. I had I was sorry good for well So we were already kind of out on this shit. We didn't whip up with these hairy nipple things. Well, we were so young and excited to fuck still. We were all still sort of in. And then I think there was a joke made like a, like, all right, there, fuck all three of us.

And she was almost like, um, okay, she goes, all right, just like, uh, wait here a second. And then I think she went upstairs, I think she went upstairs literally to like, reset the alarm or something. So like, if her dad woke up or somebody woke up, they wouldn't see that it's disengaged or anything. Whatever. She wanted to fuck.

She was down to do it. She went upstairs. And the time we just heard like punching things in a button, we all just were fine to agree that she was trying to get us in trouble and Call the cops are for nothing. We've done nothing wrong. Yeah, there's nothing called the cops is for and we just Barrel that of that where she was even like where you guys going? We got to go actually we have to go fuck that shit And she was all like fuck like she was like I'm ready to fuck poor that poor girl to live with that like I said I was gonna fuck all these guys and then they decided none of them wanted to we're all like 17 like an age where you'd be like, I'll fuck whoever.

Listen mate, you did the 100% the right thing. For sure. Yeah, she was probably punching in the coat to lock the basement down. Is it to kill us all? To kill all you and take your skin. She was trying to get different tipped nipples. Yeah dude, you did do the right thing.

You know, a chick first of all. Well, we did the right thing because again, you don't want to be part of her. No. Bad memories of it when, eventually she's going to be like, I was 17 or 18 and let like three guys, strangers come over and gang fuck me is like, that's not, you can't process something like that. She wasn't doing it for her own enjoyment at that point.

She was doing it for something. Yeah. A 40 year old could do that for her own enjoyment. Yeah, 40 you can't, you can't scream scream 40 year old and there's no rape after 40. No, there's rape. But I'm saying I think a 40 year old more under a thing shows you know what? I like to have three guys come fuck the shit out of me tonight and I like that. I don't think that strikes me as much as a 17 year old doing that. You're like, wow, how are you there already? I had I don't I had to check one time this blonde girl. I was in an AA meeting and I walked in

and she looked like an old school famous blonde. Like platinum blonde, done in like an actress way, beautiful dress. I mean, in a room full of just dirty alcoholics, right? Just fucking dirty smoking and we went up talking at the coffee break and then I wound up falling in love with her. I mean, falling in love. I dated her like I I never made a move. I would take her out for little meals and and walks on the

beach for months. I would take this girl because I wanted to be her boyfriend. Yeah. And I finally took her out one night and we made out when I was dropping her off. And she goes, what did it bother you? And I was like, what? She goes, my tooth. And I went, what are you talking about? She went, ha, she opened her mouth.

She had a tooth, a fang tooth coming out of the roof of her mouth. In the middle of it? Yeah. Dude, in the middle of her her mouth she had a fucking tooth It's just coming out like an extra tooth like a twin or something grew in her mouth and she never got it removed You can't put your penis in that hole dude. You can't do you can't go back. Oh, you can't go back Especially if you catch it if you catch the tooth on the way out with your dick, you have to go to

the hospital. It's like a fish hook. It's like a bar. You didn't notice Bobby. She pointed it out to you. Because she's probably so paranoid of it. I know. When you find out, what if you find out and punch her right away, you go, oh, sorry, that

was a reaction. What the fuck's in there? Man, when you're insecure, you'll point out all your flaws because you think everyone sees them Yeah, dude and nobody saw this nobody saw it. It was in your mouth hidden and I I couldn't not I couldn't not think about it You know, I remember I just kissed her on the cheek. I went like I got a go talk to you later never talk to her again I need my tongue bitch never talk to her get All and it's a simple what a shitty mom. No, shitty mom. I see something like a be handled as a child.

Dude, you can handle that with a hammer. Just, you know what I mean? What's like when somebody still has as an adult, they still have the tongue attached too far out. You're like, what does that mean? What does that mean? What does that mean? When someone has their tongue like the thing on the

other tongue, labor, is that what it's called? No, I figured it's called that, you know, the line on the your tongue, the text off the bottle. I'm totally enjoying you. It goes that's you far on the tongue. Oh, the bathroom. Yeah, yeah. No, the bathroom.

It goes through. Sure. I know it's not that. No, is that that? No, it's your, it's your, it's your, through it. You went, the lift from. That's your cortex, man. No, it's not. Oh, no, that's the other thing. It's actually it's your plethyam. Oh All right, it's your plethyam

Plet plethyam Some of us has attached too far out to the tongue and makes them talk like their death almost And it's like round on her spread fix it Look, that's an easy fix. I would have that if my parents didn't fix that by the time I was probably 12 or 13, I would have psychotically just snipped it at home, be like, it'll heal right. I would have been crazy. That would have been a pair of scissors. Oh yeah, feel surgery?

Like a skin tag. But I've done, I've cut off skin tags. No. No. Nail clippers. Really? Yeah. What's it called? Afolium. A tongue tie. A frenellum. Friendleum. Friend friendle. That's what it is. Yeah, I was close.

But yeah, I wanted to talk connected always. I think they're able to fix that immediately. Yeah, that's that's a shitty Parent thing that poor girl was a an 11 Except for an 11 except for the two two's inside her her her canine tooth. It's literally the tooth you use to bite meat. I don't know if I told you if I told uh which is the I mean that's a better tooth than like a front tooth. Sure. Because that looks like a human. Yes. Yeah. That's but uh I've yeah I had one time a girl when I was in that first corn tour. I think I may have told you this, but definitely set it on the show. The girl who was telling me as she was taking her pants off and wanted me to go down in her that she was in a fire

and it was like her inner thighs look like Freddie Krueger's chest, like there were souls of children coming out of it. But that was like she told me and I had to eat her pussy a little bit. So I had to, it was, what do I do with that? But I was like oh, yeah, and then you're the guy goes you didn't tell me that but she should give you her She gave you my disgusting inner thigh speech

Hey before you listen before you go down there when I was 11 I was in a fire and My inner thighs. Oh, that's it. Yeah, that was it And my inner thighs. Oh, that's it. Yeah, that was it. Jacob, oh my God, but that was a further back. There it is. There's one further back, the first picture on the mirror. Yep, that's it right there.

Yep, that's fucking hard. Oh hell no. That's it, dude. And they've had dental work before. Yeah, they got cavities. So they got fillings. It looks like a clip. Dude, it's terrible. It looks like some type of lizard. Like a horn. Yeah, like got cavities. So they got fillings. It looks like a clip. Dude, it's terrible.

It looks like some type of lizard. Like a horn. Yeah, like a horn. Yeah, it's, uh, uh, uh. That shouldn't happen ever. No, you should get that removed. That should be gone. Yeah, get it gone.

Look at that double teeth. Oh, that's underneath, that's, is that the real? What is that? Is that a muffle of teeth? No, that's not true. That's of teeth? No, that's not true. That's not real. No, that's not real. That's snopes.

Oh, look at that girl. Look at the girl. Yeah. On the left, the Chubby girl. They know that's it right there. We'll put that. That's what she has. We'll put these at no way, dude.

Yeah, you can't go. I mean, if she never told me, I would have never known. But when you found out more likely to make like a scene where you're like, you know, like crawling back on your hands and knees backwards. What? When she, she goes, did the tooth bother you? I go, what tooth? And she went, ah, she, she, she had to put her head way back and I was looking at it. It looks like she presents you like the alien where the small mouth comes out of the big mouth. She goes, oh, did I not feel way? It comes at all messy and wet. Yeah, dude, it was terrible. I felt I was so bummed out because I spent so much time

on her. Like, this was the one. I've walked away, which is almost a good thing to say, I guess, from personality more than I've walked away from like physical problems. 100% dude. I love a goofy face. I love a gap tooth. I love a cookie eye. But I'm saying, I don't even if I love it as much as I can like all those things, if I'm like vibing with someone and I see the cute in them, like none of that bothers me. None of it. At all more than someone who's just like a shitty person. Yeah, I like volcano titties. I

like I'll take anything. I've tanked fucking a few times my life several times. I like, I'll take anything. I've tanked fucking a few times in my life, several times I'd say because like, the comfort level of the girls, like saying something where you're just like, what? What do you say? You know what I mean?

Just like crazy shit. Whether it be like racism, just like blinding racism, you're like, did you think this was like my deal? Because this was weird. That happened on that corn tour. What? That made him fast. A girl, she was like, I was bullshin' with her. Yeah seem we were like hitting it off pretty good and

Very easy to do like that you want to come backstage smoke cigarette with me and we could you know I could show you around backstage. It's really nothing that impressive, but like Come on back and then she pulled out a cigarettes her cigarettes and they were Marbrow menthols. So I mean, it's the hackiest of things. Like, oh, what are you hanging on me for? You was like, you fuck black guys. And she was like, what? And I was like, I'm just getting the menthol cigarettes.

And she was like, I would never fucking nigger. Like violently, violently. And I was like, okay, it was so real that you were like, all right, and I just went and that's when I walked her. And then I walked her into the audience. And I was like, I right, and I just went and that's when I walked her and then I walked her into the audience and I was like, I'm going to walk quickly to the audience. Say we have to go like somewhere else and just kind of lose her in the audience and

where I was able to lose her was I started jogging to get away from after this, but she just stops in front of a thin red-headed girl and grabs her stomach and goes, oh my God, you're having a baby. And she's like, pitch, I'm not pregnant. I was like, I was like, sort of fade out and to like get away from her. That was crazy behavior. Yeah, that's not man. But just to drop that like hard end bomb like that in a moment where you're like, you offended her. You haven't feel, you haven't felt me out yet.

I think I was also the same gig in Florida, where I went back and forth with like the neo-Nazi guys that were in the front row too weird. Florida. Florida is so weird. Yeah, Florida is a great place, but it's also got a lot of so easy Floridians. Yeah. It's got a lot of Floridians. Have you ever been with a black girl? Yeah.

Yeah, a lot. No. No. But I would have more. When I started in the black circuit, I was drawing only the ones that would kind of like make it obvious to me. We're like big mommas, you know, I mean, I would really would not be interested in. And then I a couple things happen with kev. Karim green Karim green was.

Page and then we did a story with Martin Luther King. No. Oh, Karim got, he called up two black girls that he knew. He went on the road with me to like, Maryland Stoll. It's just black circuits stuff. Yeah. Yeah. And I never really got laid on these shows ever.

And he was like, no, I got these two girls. They party to the great. And he calls him up. My love career. He goes, he tells me, yeah, I'm going to get my boy here in town. Yeah, we're looking to hook up and hang out. And I think you did tell me this. Yeah, I did. You tell me what I'm Martin Luther King,

die for. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think last week, yeah, yeah. Dude, we're both old. We really are. We're in the show. I have. But I'm saying we usually, it's probably one of four or five.

I like black girls. I like black girls, though. I don't like white black girls. of four or five. I like black girls. I like black girls though. I don't like white black girls. Black me up, Lou. You know what I say, Sammy? Now, Lou likes the white black girls. You like white, you like love the white girls. So you like a black girl that says, um, like.

Yes, absolutely. Oh, I can't stand it. Oh, you know how much batch this guy expel to Hillary banks? Really? Oh, yeah, for sure. Dude, I like a, I can't stand it. Oh, you know, I hate it. I'm just bashed this guy, expelled to Hillary Banks. Really? Oh, yeah, for sure. Dude, I like a, I like a, I remember the first black girl I dated. She lived in the projects. I had to go pick her up and I was nervous, you know what I mean?

I lived in the white ghetto, but that was the projects. And I came in and it was looking at me. I pulled up. She came out, oh God, with a bowl of peaches. Just she opened up a can of peaches and put it in a bowl and came out and was just eating peaches.

She goes, baby. She goes, baby. In the syrup? Yeah, in the syrup. She goes, baby, you want a peach? I was like, I do want a peach. I would like to try a peach. My mom makes me use a fork.

And she fed me a peach. It's just a ductive. So that woman's mouth thing, do do. She was so fucking pretty man. And it turned me on so much. Yeah, just to suck a peach out of her hand. Just my little, my little white head sticking out of my knee song. Yeah, and a seller waitress from way back was one of the most but so weird for other brothers to just look over and see me a white big guy getting fit features by a black woman. What the fuck is this motherfucker doing? I hooked up with a girl used to work at the seller wait staff years and years ago. Yeah.

Um, but yeah, not many. I would have plenty more, but I just don't like, again, like I think like one dick insecurity without a doubt on that one. And just an overall sense of like, I'm just not, you know what I mean? I feel like I'm just not gonna like bring it with it. I feel like I'm gonna disappoint them where, but it wasn't all the experience I've had with it.

I've been pretty fucking good. Every black girl that I've been with, like black girl was, I mean sex wasn't an issue. You know, I mean, like, I feel like, I mean, too, I'm just saying, I go, when I go into hitting on someone, I'd be like, ah, shit, this is like, she's not going to. I mean, like white girls, you kind of, like if a black girl is going to bang you, she's going to bang you. It's not a big thing. It's like sex with a white girl, you have to give them an excuse why they were a slut. With a white girl, you have to give them an excuse

why they were a slut. So it's like, you got to get them so riled up that they're like, I can't take it anymore. Fuck me. And the next day, it's like, oh my god, I know you. Are you got me so crazy? It wasn't my fault. Jesus still loves me, right? I remember I was with a black girl and we were, we started we started messing around and I was doing all my white girls. I was like, you know, kissing her, grabbing her titty, sucking on her, rubbing her pussy.

Like, you have to do six different things to a white girl's pussy and tits to keep things going. Because if you stop at any time, she's like, stop, I don't want to do this. She actually stopped me and went, whoa, what the fuck are you doing? I was like, what? She goes, relax. I'm fucking you. I went, what?

Then she put on a station. I don't think exists. Okay. I think only black people could find it on it. It was the sexiest like, ba-oom, ba-oom, ba-oom, ba-oom, ba-oom, ba-oom, ba-oom, ba-oom, ba-oom, it only comes in black houses. Dude, dude, it was so fucking groovin' and dirty and sexy. And she took my clothes off and folded them, put them on the thing,

and then lie me back on the bed and we just made out for like a half hour. And then she fucked the shit. And it was probably one of the best sexual experiences I've ever had. Really? Yeah. But take that to the, I had a white black girl in New York and it scared the shit out of me. Cause she was like, choke me.

And I was like, you wanna fucking choke? I'm like, it's just a weird shit. That choking voice you get when you, you wanna fucking choke you, I'm fucking choke you. And I choked and she went, stop, no, please, start crying. And I was like, oh my god. I'm so sorry Bobby kill is a bad mother shut your mouth

You gonna look my pussy. I'm gonna suck you suck up on you dude You lick my pussy. I'm gonna suck up in your dick boy. I'm gonna fold you clothes. I'm gonna feed your pee I'm gonna suck your nuts. So just sit back relax and enjoy the show. My nipples are dark. My titties are lighter, but my pussy is pink. Give it up, baby. It's the pink is the pink is my pink makes the universe look dark. Oh, look at my it looks like a unicorns asshole in my vagina. It's very rare when it happens But when a black porn star has got pussy here. I know we've had a September rain. You can't cut this pussy here with a knife September rains come on That's your laugh for this you came on the box. She's come on SDR show several times now

tiny black or hot with a bush. Yeah, oh, I like that nice nice. Yeah, listen man, I tell you what porn, black girl porn is like fucking, if I want something, if I want, yeah. It's just, there's something, I don't know, but that white black girl, she started crying, and then she made me, I apologized. I'm like I'm sorry, she was crying like a white girl. Well, my, my, my, my, my, I'm sorry.

I was like, I'm stopped, then she, she, she made me do it again. She was into it. So I choked her like three times. She cried three times. To the point where I was like, I'm not doing this. I'm just scaring the shit out of me now. Like I gotta go. And of course, yeah, I don't have the,

I don't have that game in me at all. Yeah, I don't, I don't like it. Like no, like wait, see what I'm just stopped. I'm like, no, I'm just saying no. It goes, you're gonna say yes. Because don't like it. No, like wait, see, what me just stops like no, I'm just saying no, it goes, you're gonna say yes. Because I'm not every time you say no, I'm gonna think again, like don't don't do it. You're gonna have to say yes, the whole thing. But I did learn it's funny, not

even a confidence because if it's not gonna happen, it's still not gonna happen. But I started because many times before would turn out into sex, I've had girls do the, I would just believe the line when they would say it every time. And I still do believe what they mean when they go, I'll come back, but I'm not gonna do anything. Like I'll come smoke a joint or whatever.

Did I mean over the years like saying that? And I'd be like, and by the way, I meant that I go, sure, yeah, just come back and smoke a joint or whatever. It's fine, then my head maybe like, maybe we'll make it out or something. It'll be like a little, and by the way, I meant to, I go, sure, yeah, just come back and smoke a joint or whatever. It's fine. And then my head maybe like, maybe we'll make it out or something. It'll be like a little, and then there, you know, it's like, all right, well, I'm probably gonna crash out

here pretty soon. They're like, you're really not gonna try to like fuck. Like, it's like, oh, I thought you said you wanted to come back and just, you know, they have to be like, okay, you got me here finally. Yeah, you need to. I wasn't trying to get you there. Yeah, they need an excuse.

They need you to give them that fucked up excuse so they can be, look, just be slutty, be dirty. Yeah. Yeah. Just fucking do it. That's why I love you, because you're like, okay, you're so nonchalant about it. You are like, yeah, we're not doing it.

Okay, cool, you wanna play Xbox? It's like, what? You're not gonna force my head down under your junk. No, it was one. Not one girl said she wasn't going to fuck or anything. She goes, but let's go back and play Like a video game. I forgot it was I used to bring up my Xbox 360 on the road. Yeah. Let's go play a video game And like, you know, we'll make some kind of a stakes on it. And then she was it was a game She could never win. There's a thing of some kind of a stakes on it. And then she was, it was a game she could never win. There's a thing of some kind of fighting thing or something.

And she was like, all right, if whoever wins like each one do three fights and it'll be like strip or whatever, which I would never do with a hot chick. Unless I was like, she's not going to win this game. You're stomach was tattooed. Yeah, yeah, unless I was tattooed, I was stomached. But I knew she wouldn't like, I just wasn't going to win these games. So the first, I wanted the first match. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.

I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.

I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.

I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just how oblivious am it's why I was saying in more like I think now I would see that more You know, I mean like okay sure and by the way again, maybe we're not gonna fuck but it's like this girl doesn't mean for sure She's not coming to fuck like she might want to But well she's gonna have to find out I feel bad for them in the most awkward way because every time they're like exactly what you're saying like I don't know. Maybe I should actually leave and you're like that's cool If you want in my mind. I'm gonna start going through my head like I got a six years game to watch

I got you know, I mean, I'd be so like sure and then they go like really you want me to leave like I don't want you to leave You said you were gonna leave and I'm just gonna go watch this game. You're kryptonite to women Your technique is kryptonite. They need a guy to go you know They need to say no stop it and I almost like Billy's joke where goes this is a big difference between no and no I you're right because I don't convey the thing what I'm trying it when they're like no it's cool like walk you out to your car or whatever and we'll get you at it and it's like you're not even gonna try to like but you said you didn't and it's like you don't want to it's like I want to much, but you're not making it clear if that's what you.

And I'm like, I'm telling you, where I know, if, if I go, all right, so you're leaving, if I start going close, buddy, I can't believe I didn't think of this earlier this week, this weekend, we were after the shows in Utah. Yeah. We were texting, I was in Utah. This guy, JD, who was the host, bought a short bus and hollowed it out and put chairs in it and all this stuff. He brings it outside the back door there.

It's partying after the show. And these two girls hung back. I've never seen this before. There was these two girls from the show. And these two girls hung back, I've never seen this before. There was these two girls from the show, who were in the show. And these two young guys, young college age, and like a couple of the people were in this bus. And this one girl, hot. 30, it was her 37th birthday that night.

She was with her friend who was really cute too. But they were, she was drunk and definitely like doing like some joke was made about a gang bang and she was a, it's stunned every, because none of these guys are like, this isn't like a room full of pussy crushers or a bus full rather. Yeah, you're in Utah. She's laying on the bottom, on like on the thing, she's like, my mom's such a whore, she would probably love this. She would be like, gang bang them all. Fuck them all. And then she's just doing things like, you know, her shirt's coming up and she's hand standing for no reason.

All this dumb shit. And she's just out of it and enjoying being a spectacle. God bless her, it's 37th birthday. God bless. But what's funny, what's one of these young guys was like saying something, you know, sweet, Mormon boyish. And she goes, oh my God, she's like,

you really are the sweetest thing in the world. And she went in for a cocktail kiss. and he just started talking to make it stop. You know, he's like, well, yeah, you know, I say, I go back, I'm, I'm pretty mad. So I go, and I, and I was just like, damn dude. I'm like, you just, wow, you didn't want to kiss that. I couldn't even not acknowledge it. It was so big. Like how he did not, she needed the attention so bad.

She just turned over and started making out with some fucking Some other just chubby guy was a comic sweetheart of a kid I wish I remember his name like a piece of shit. He was very nice kid But he's like a just a chubby kid sitting in a chair the big beard and everything and she goes she goes You're the nicest guy here. I just started making out with him and sat on his laps or making out and we were so happy for him though And she left I was like hell yeah, dude You got that weird spillover that worked out for you. It's a weird thing back.

I think when I was sexy, sexy Bobby, when I first started comedy, me and my friend Al Doe Benny, who's a comedy, you might let him. Oh yeah. We developed this using truth or dare. And people, like guys, all you need to do is play a childhood game. We think it was a doubt. And then my story on Ari Shaffer's, my second story, I told an Ari story tongue show.

What's truth or dare? Was a story of, the time me and two of my buddies, Kurt Metzger and Glenn, triple team to chick, we were doing truth or Dare and she just was like, how about you just fuck all three, like some kind of thing? Like, wow, yeah, Truth or Dare was the shit. The best, it's the best way to broach what you want to do without being aggressively awkward. I do hate what he does this so when you'd be like,

like Truth or Dare goes, uh, like show everyone like your I go, ah, like, show everyone like you're asked. And they always, like you said that, excuse to me, like, this is so unfair. This is so fucking, I think the whole time, they're like, I can't believe I have to do this. You know, you don't, you want to. You don't, like, you're, no one's touching you. Oh, and the girl goes, well, you touch his dick.

It's like, honey, I'll fucking blow him in front of you if you blow me. It doesn't matter. Let's do this. I got a big ol' grip of Jim Jeffries cock in my hand, so our girls would hook up and South Africa. A million years ago, yeah. The girls go, you can watch us hook up

if you grab his dick and Jim Jeffries pulled his dick out and I just grabbed his fucking cock in the middle. I go for like an amount of time. And they were like, no, I can't believe you did it. Those girls fucked in front of us. Yeah. Yeah, truth is, yeah, I washed my hand, everything's fine. We weren't into it.

They thought they were throwing the most impossible action at us to make it not happen. And we're like, well, we'll do that. Now what? Me and Al did it one summer with this girl. She was a nerdy girl reading a book at a coffee shop. It was a 24 hour coffee shop. She's just this little nerdy college girl.

And we went over, started talking to her. She went back to her place and we did truth or dare. And then it finally got to where, you know, it always escalates to, you know, you do this, the couple dares. And then I grabbed his, make him hard. That's the one. Make him hard without touching his penis. And she's, you know, doing raky on his dick

with the mom, you know, right? And then it just escalates. And she was like, I'll be right back. And me and Owl were naked in her bed at this point. They were like, where's she going? Well, like, I'm a little nervous. She opened the closet door. I swear she had a smoke machine.

Because she had a leather handcuffed belt. She had these huge titties with leather around the closet door. I swear she had a smoke machine because she had a leather handcuffed belt She had these huge titties with leather around the titties a whip and these big German thigh high boots She had this outfit she came out and just whip the whip and she goes who's eating my pussy and me and I was like I was like you eat it You eat it. He's like no you eat it. I'm like You're what's the punishment if we don't eat it good? So I want to be in a pussy. I was just sitting there scared it, you eat it. He's like, no, you eat it. I'm like, what's the punishment if we don't eat it good? So Al wanted to be a new pussy. I was just sitting there scared. We had sex with this girl.

We did it all night. She referred us. She sent us to a friend. I said these guys are good. We had a girl to this girl's house in Cambridge. She had a big party. And we showed up with like, hey, it's Alan Bobby. She was, oh yeah, yeah, come on in.

We had to like hang out at the party and she kind of vetted us. And then like an hour in, she's like, Okay, come back tomorrow on 738. And you guys went and we went back and we had sex with this girl. And then she made chili with one eye because Al Jizdin or I and she was all blotchy and she was all burnt in her eye. Yeah. She was there with one eye. She's like, how's the chili? I'm like, it's fucking great. Well, it's always funny. The story I was saying of me, Glenn, and Kurt, I tell that whole story on the thing, but what was funny later that night,

because you never know who's gonna do this, is whenever we just left the room, like I think she came back to my mom's house with us for a little bit. Jesus, what are you talking about? But we were just stopping there, I think before we went to a diner to eat or for a little bit. Jesus, we're not gonna get it. But we were just stopping there, I think, before we went to a diner to eat or whatever.

And then we just came in a room and saw Kurt laying on a bed, having just a make-out session for there. And it's like, we'd already all fall. It was crazy. And he was doing that. Like, why are you doing that? It was so weird. Sex is a passion.

God invented passion to get over the fucking nastiness of sex. Well, I looked up at that girl again by myself and she did one of the most amazing. She told me that I am by every definition of it a schmo, like for like sexual stuff like this because this girl goes, you know, we were my mom's house and she turned me quiet, which is nice. She should do that.

But I'm taking her quiet as just not that into it at all. And I'm like, you're self-esteem. I was like, you're not enjoying yourself. You're not making noise at all. And she goes, oh, no, it's works for you. And I was like, you know, it works for me. I just want to know you're here having a good time. And she goes, sure. And I'm telling you, she goes, oh, God, oh, God. And I just, I mean, I came, I don't know if I did any more pumps. I think she just made the noise and I was in her and she made, I was like, oh, there, yeah, that, that is what I was looking for, I guess.

It's so funny, dude. Oh, yeah, it fired out of me. And then we saw that girl, uh, Claire said like maybe two years later and a bunch of us were down in South Jersey and we were like, Hey, we saw her at that diner, same diner. And we're like, Hey, you should come back and, uh, hang this to the hotel room. And she goes, I swear to you, I would have smiled almost if she used to when I don't do that anymore. Right. I'd have been like, Oh, fucking good for you. Yeah, like, like, what? Like the end of Batman, when Alfred was saw Batman, the cat woman at the thing and he just nodded it inside.

Well, here's where I started, I started giving kudos early in the sentence was the problem. Because she goes, Ben deflected. She goes, I come back here and you're not here. And she goes, she goes, I don't you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here.

I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I'm glad you're here. I want to throw in that you guys have so much swag way more swag than me that black girls really just look at me like Carlton. They don't ever go after me. But I don't have a lot of black girls nice to me. The these stories are black girls. I'm saying, did you see Carlton's break dancing tape? Yes.

He has out. You can you can buy it on TV how to break dance and it comes with its own mat. And it comes. It's curry. No, it's back of the day. But so good. You can he had a whole his toy. It was like his break dancing. And he would teach you how to break dance and all these moves

on the thing. And it also had if you like to wrap, he would teach you how to wrap. And you buy it. It came with your own cardboard that you flipped out. And it's it taught you how to break dance. There it is right there. He gets I'll tell you what Alfonso Rivera really avoided all of I don't remember hearing anything About people questioning him and Michael Jackson and they were close Maybe Michael Jackson like black kids. He was racist. It's very possible Well, maybe he was just protecting the black youth because yeah, that was like Alfonso Rivera's thing I have moon wall king and all like the Michael Jackson jacket I remember him when he was back when he was Dexter's son

on Silver Spoons. Yeah, I remember that. And remember who Dexter started dating and then she broke his heart in the same episode, Whitney Houston. That was how they broke Whitney Houston. She sang, maybe the greatest love of all, but whatever it was, she sang a song on that sitcom.

Like they gave her a chance to sing on the sitcom and that broke her. It was what I mean, it was around the time she was breaking. I'm sure it wasn't. And he was breaking right there. Break dancing. Look at that. The wave. Inarguable.

If he's content, if Alfonso Rivera was content in life, then he's had a fucking hell of a career, a real admirable career. Guys always stayed busy. Now he's hosting TV shows and shit. I think it's a completely, if he's content, if he doesn't live life with like the regrets of how he's viewed or whatever, which I don't think he does, because he'll do it.

He'll just go on and host a fucking game show. He was doing game show network stuff. Now he's hosting like network, I think. He's up to network hosting shows. So good for him, man. Not to mention beautiful wife. Absolutely. He has a beautiful wife.

This is wife hot. Let's see her real quick. Then we have to go to commercial. I have to go to commercial. I know, Jacob. We have to. I know, Jacob. Freak out.

Come on, man. We gotta go. Come on. I mean, there. A photo car. No. I'm racist. He looks good.

You guys, he looks like he could be your brother, dude. Yeah, you think? Not you, Lou. I've gotten a little bit. That's her? Oh, she looks better now. Yeah, she's pretty. Tushing.

She's all right. She looks like something to put Amy Poland on microwave. Ha, ha. We'll take a break. We'll be right back. We're hanging out, Robert Kelly, who's gonna be in comedy connection and Providence this weekend What are my favorite clubs also? Yes, that place rules go check it out and after that of course November

Or I'm sorry December 1st to the 3rd at laugh Boston, which is another fucking awesome club Bobby making his northeast tour Dan Soder at Mark Ridley's this weekend And I'm going to be in Denver at the comedy works after that Philly for Thanksgiving week. BigJComet.com, dancota.com, it's the Bonfire. on serious XM or on the SXM app. It's basically the same thing. Go to seriousexam.com slash bonfire for a special offer.