The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Internet Is For Porn (w/ Ari Shaffir, Shane Gillis & Daniel Sloss)

Episode Date: February 18, 2019

Daniel Sloss schools Jay and Ari Shaffir on buying drugs in Scotland. After learning of the return of Roman and Sierra to YouTube, Jacob reveals he never watched internet porn before The Bonfire. Dan Soder tells the tragic yet hilarious story of his dad, Gary.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hey everyone, it's DJ Liu. On Monday's bonfire, Ari Shafir filled in for Dan Soder. He and Jay welcomed comedian Daniel Sloss to the studio. Daniel explains what is like buying drugs in Scotland. Ari Shafir hanging out today while Dan's off doing his billion thing.

Our guest sitting in the studio is comedian Daniel Sloss. What's up, buddy? Hey, buddy. I mean, already we're talking about we were bashing Jews as two Jews able to do that they're over there. They're behavior on an airplane. They're over there They're behavior on an airplane Traveling it's really although where and where you from they were Scotland Scotland. I mean, that's gotta be that's got to be an old crotchety No, no last time I mean, that's gotta be an old crotchety. No, no, last time I mean, there might be. Yeah, no, we go where it's warm. And that's like, yeah, well, you know, okay, you could be there for like four

days of the year if you want. Yeah, you've been there. So that was that's like an hour we're like, something's out. Something's out. But that's not there is a there is a statue of you in Edinburgh, which makes me think you were the first to be there. I'm happy. So, and they're real stoked that I know you too. Like, they're like, really? You know, the first year it's called? It's called the Statue of Limitations.

What is this tan? What is this tan? It alleviates me from guilt for any of the crimes of Commit-o-Wall-O's there. You know, Auri Shaffir, what does this tail smell like? What is it? Or is horn sharpers, he dulled them down to live amongst us? I'm not. There's nothing about it.

How long were you there for a month, right? A few times though, but the funny thing was all the jujokes that we have, they're retold as Scottish jokes, all the cheap. Yeah, because I didn't know that was our stereotype over here, that we were, I didn't know this goes for apparently cheap. I didn't know either, it's just juice here. I just heard it when I was there. I don't know. How was the copper wire invented. I don't know any stereotypes of Scottish people Highlanders fighting over a fence or two Jews fighting over a penny

Same fucking joke man there the Jews yeah Sodor is gonna go out my co-host on the show dance. So does gonna go to Edinburgh. I was doing a full run Is it a full run? Oh nice, good boy. That sounds terrifying. I told Liza was going and I was like, I'm like, oh, I'm so jealous, you're gonna have so much fun because yeah, I'm like, you're gonna do so much cocaine.

And she was like, I don't even do cocaine. I'm like, yeah, I get it, I get what you're saying. But you're gonna do so much cocaine. Is it flowing like water out there? Number one per capita, is it? Yeah, that's because there's like 12 of us. So that's purely, that's that. So there's like 25 Scottish people.

There's only six co-cats. Yeah. There's only 12 people. I've never seen drugs flow like in Edinburgh. Oh really? Yeah. I mean, glass going, I guess, but like, I wouldn't say Edinburgh was that druggy at all.

I mean, I think it's just because you hang out with me while you're there. It's like. I mean I think it's just because you hang out with me while you're there It's like I think I think I'm the problem The company ultimately yeah, I'm obviously a flowing in the streets I think you are the only person whose impression of Adam is it's the drug capital of Europe It is catacornically not the drug I'm not even the drug capital of the UK. Other parties there. Oh, really?

Yeah, so much drugs and pills. It's crazy. You guys go so hard. That's so weird. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't even associate cocaine with Scotland anyway. Oh, to be fair, what we, like the cold we get, it's not the best coat.

We don't shut a border, you know, with where it's got good coke. Oh, yeah, mostly there's no talcum powder. Yeah, yeah. But it's a spring in your step. Pfft. Because I don't know what's in it. Could be sugar, could be salt.

I'll tell you what, feel good. It's like a Scottish drug deal, it's just this level of a dacity to the, because like they know that you're not gonna, there's no one else to get drugs. Oh, well, it's gonna go. So they turn off and you're like, is this coke and they're like,

it might be, it's in a bag. What are you gonna do? Go to someone else, fuck you. Like, okay. You got to bring it back and complain. Yeah, this isn't good coke I've sat in the back of I like I get into the fucking car with my drunkenly okay Maybe it's just for weight most of the time, but just his kids in the back And I'm like is this all right? He's like yeah school run Jesus Maybe that's my fault for ordering at school times, but you know what?

Guys you like you want coke at noon. You're gonna have to hang with the kids, man I tell you that was an old story with me and Kurt I Told it on your show but when Kurt went downstairs to get a condom we were triple teaming a girl in her attic. Oh, yeah Kurt Metzger went downstairs to get a condom as he came back up then when nobody was home before we thought there was like a little you have to walk through her brother's room who was just like a little boy and like Dallas Cowboys pajamas just standing there like what are you

guys doing upstairs like oh god. Move in front of her. Yeah nothing. We're definitely not three-way in your sister. Hahaha. Hahaha. If that's what you're thinking. Hey everyone, this is Jacob from The Bonfire. And on Tuesday's show, Dan Soder was out shooting billions. Again, so Shane Gillis, guest host, it would Big J. I didn't realize this was a big revelation, but everyone seemed shocked that I hadn't watched internet porn

until 2015. I don't get what the big deal is. I'll try to make up the last time, but until then please enjoy this I'm big jaylcerson dan sotar doing billions today. So sitting in for him. Of course everyone camper favorite Needs no introduction everyone Shane Gillis is hanging out today. Oh Fuck yeah, Jacob. Jacob's already clapping. So fucking happy. Oh, he gets boned up. He snuck up on me. I was walking in the hallway, came up behind me and said,

Hey, Shane, how are you? Oh, I thought you touched your back, your ear. Touched back your, hey, hey champ. I gave him a big hug right away, dude. By the way, did all of you see Roman and Sierra back on YouTube? I might have been view number one on that. Oh man.

Really? I've been watching. I stay up all night and click refresh on their page dude. We can see if they have something. They drop some new fire. It's pretty sick. Just pause again. Also everyone just drink this in.

That's just this chicken sweatpants and a shitty sweatshirt. Incredible. Mother fuck. Christina, if I were you, I'd be punching the screen right now. Every day in my life. I mean, by the way, just for fairness, I feel the same, I'd be punching the screen right now. Every day in my life. I mean, by the way, just for fairness, I feel the same way. I'm looking at stupid Romans body and I'm like, Doesn't matter, you're a talented man. I'm a chick.

You're so loud, I know. I really am lucky in that way. You're right. I'm sick. I'm about fat ugly idiot. Still finger, dude. You know what I'm talking about, chick? That's sick. I get to be fat and dumb still fucking finger dude that's the patriarchy I love the patriarchy I could be the president and it'd still be like our tits are horrible

no that's not true if you were female president now you get to be raining dicks on you for sure yeah but in Sierra's we're calling Sierra 10 That's gonna bump Christine down to a not 9.5. So sorry Christine. That's what you're gonna have to live with Being a 9.5 you slob Now excuse me if it play back on this 10 Imagine if that's the person sitting next to you when you just fucking whip your cock out and go hey Give me a bead real quick and that's the person's willing to go, okay.

Can you imagine just crazy? Faking all the time that you and your girlfriend hold hands and smile at each other every day to techno music? Like, what a fucking insane reality they're presenting. And then we went hiking and laughed the whole time. It's like, dude, have you ever gone hiking with your girlfriend?

Tonightmare. It is hell from the start. Just a long walk. I'm like, my knees hurt when we go downhill. I'm gonna go slow. These two are like, you want to park core now up this abandoned building? Yeah. It's like just like hot, young and rich. They're so rich, huh? If you go to the trailer for firefighters, well, she's in it. Yeah, I think. I'm almost sure. I didn't see her, but how many times you check off the trailer? Jacob, what do you beat to?

What's your thing? I don't watch visual stuff. It's all thoughts. Thoughts. That's crazy. Thoughts of what? Real shit that happened? It's complicated, man.

It has to be something that happened that, or I have to think I have a shot with a girl like I can beat off to Sierra. You can't. Oh, I can't. So you joke off to like girls you like. We just don't watch porn ever. No, I've seen, I've watched porn.

I don't. I don't. I don't. What are you watching for the stories? I don't really like watch porn a lot. No, you don't beat to any pictures though. Memory or thoughts or a made up like a fantasy in your head of someone you think you can get. Has to be somebody I think I have a shot with.

So like a movie star never happens. How many girls do you have to look down from in these hallways? You've splooged to. It's not here. It's not here. I know the answer here. They're all that old. No, but you can do the old like what if it wasn't, you know, if we didn't work together, it's a different world, you can get them. I've worked here a while. You know the vibe. No, the vibe, but all right, fair enough.

So you just jerked to memories of women you've already got. It's a small, it's a narrow, we have one. Fair enough so you just jerked to memories of women you've already got to narrow That's what I mean just got it. You're jerking off through memory one through five like I don't know what to tell you. I'm not happy about it myself. I think how about you? DJ Lou porn right a little bit of that but that I gave that up, you know once I discovered Yeah, like I discovered yeah like I discovered porn or like I like chatterbait have you heard of this sure that's kind of fun what's that what's that no no it's just though if cam girls that they

fuck on camera and they play with themselves on camera and I just want to go to the private ones right with those yeah I'm not splurging for that I can put people fucking love it Jacob. It's a good thing. You know watching porn. I mean I'm not but now I Mean yeah, it mainly it's from memory, but now it's point. It's porn totally now. Well, this is this is great You think of something like if something hot happens in real life You don't think about that when you go home and whack it I think that stinks its way. No, you know what I'll do I'll put in whatever that thing is like into it

I'll put the keywords of that thing into a search phrase and I'll jerk off to that thing I guess being Jacob just romantics I get black glue. It's gotta be just straight up porn, right? Porn mostly. Yeah. The memory thinks sometimes. Listen, memories. I have a memory in a fucking pinch. Yeah. He's got a lot of memories though. Yeah, but if it's once a year,

my point being if it's once a year, to memories, maybe. Memories is, well, I always have my phone, so. That's what I mean, yeah. Why can't I have to use memory? Yeah, I can see having you as a picture over the moving image, but even a picture would be tough. I'd feel weird jerking off to a picture at this point. It would be weird. You're fucking free. I'm impressed

with your ability to do. How long does it take? one of his taking less time than mine because porn so vast now It takes me way too long to feel like you're desensitized. Maybe that's oh No, it was gonna be attacked, but yeah I am de sensitized for sure absolutely yeah, but that it's Be faster if I watch porn because I'm not. But I'd say treat yourself. You know what I mean? No, but the porn you're on desensitize,

so I have to keep searching for like the ultimate video to finish to. It takes forever. For me, I will tell you, if I do see porn, it's gotta be amateur, it's gotta be, I have to think it's real. Yeah. I'd be like that.

But I think thoughts would take, maybe that'd go quicker. I don't know. Maybe it would like lock me in a little bit more, rather than constantly searching for what's next. Have you not been able to limit your searches? You said you were gonna try to limit your searches to three videos.

I haven't tried that yet, but yeah. I think that's my new plan. I'm gonna pick three videos and be like, dude, you're popping the one of these three. We're not going through a whole multiple sites, multiple, I mean, multiple sites. Well, the way that he goes through like Netflix and Hulu, I imagine it's the same for porn.

And it's like he has to see everything out there before the decision's made, but it's just endless. So you can become like paralyzed by possibility. You got a jaguar on just way different. You're the obsidian to the center. I never went on a porn site up until the show because I didn't even know what you what? I never went on a porn site until the bonfire. I didn't know like until you started rattling. That's crazy. So like 2014. When there were videos like DVDs or or VHS was the last time I'd watch that's bomb you would never looked at the internet porn

Not until the show why I didn't even so bizarre. I didn't know you're a city. No, I have a great career I didn't know about what you want to see attractive women getting having sex with big fat The DVDs DVDs DVDs. I got that. DVDs? What? DVDs? I hadn't switched over to the internet yet for porn. What do you want me to do?

Did you switch over to the internet for anything else? First of all, I told you I didn't. I don't watch a lot of porn to beat off to. But you want me to give you the one that I saw recently that I do like. Yes. It's porn hub, which I learned from you. And then type it in the search.

I mean, porn hub is in the lecicognis. You're saying you're porn hub? That's a YouTube. Yeah, I believe the, I believe the product is called goggle or googue. It's two O's, google. No, we're coming off so old fashion here like I know

porn I just didn't go on tell you why because what you're saying is crazy no no I'm not I'm leather condoms no I'll tell you the reason why I thought to me like a porn site I was gonna get like flagged by the FBI Jay Decentitized it for like Oh my decriminalized it in my mind you made it like oh this is not a big what are you gonna look up Jacob? I don't know. I thought it was they were all shady do that by the way. We're all sheet there's like a You never see that pop up that's like this is the FBI. Oh, yeah, yeah, bro I was in I was in Spain and I was and your computer free just so this pop up came up that was like and your computer freezes. And this pop-up came up that was like,

you're the one who hit. This is like the government is, and this one was in Spanish. So like I could read every like two words, three words, and I was like, hold, the shit, this is like the government. Even they warn you. I left the house. That's really the reason.

No, no, no, no, it's not a real thing. No, it's fake. It's fake. It's a thing that says a virus in a James computer, you have to X out of your browser, restart your fucking computer. Turn it off, just left it house, and then was looking around for cars change that key But I think yeah, that's the really the reason because in my head

I thought they're all shady, but then you Just from the show I realize it's not that big a deal and then I start going on it Tell me what you're wackin to out there. I'll tell you type in college College Amateur and then I'll show you it's only 45 seconds and it looks real that 45 seconds. Yeah Wait, so if she looks this up right now porn hub college amateur That's the one you see that dick that guys got very clean shaved no veins. Yeah, great. Hi, something Jacob You see and let me tell you why you like it looks like it's an iPhone video, right?

It looks really good. I have a hawk. We're getting fuck. I tell you something Jacob. There is 700 million videos of this waiting one line for you right now. Seven. I didn't. Jacob. Seven hundred million of these. You hear Black Lou? Uh-huh. Do you think anybody born past like 1990 hasn't fucked on camera if they fucked at this point? Using everyone's fucked on camera after 1990. I think every fucking camera with your phone is fucked on camera.

Yeah. You should never. You should never. You should camera. No. Ever. No, never fucked on camera. I think my cockiest days I must have.

Yeah. When you're feeling really good about yourself and then you're racing because you know you're not that good. Yes. One of the, in high school I was getting, I had like a flip phone. I was in a closet getting head from this girl at this party and I tried to take a picture of it.

Yeah. And it made the shit flash. She looked up with like, what the fuck are you doing? Like, nothing, oh. Yeah, and it made the shit flash What the fuck are you doing? Nothing. Oh, yeah, the knocker out. Yeah, I will I killed her I've an iPhone you type in Snapchat. There's a lot of those you'll like you'll like those Snapchat if I think it's Staying going if I think it's staying down. Okay, these aren't staged buddy. These are just people getting fucked on iPhones Jacob look isn't this girl all so great? These are on stage, buddy. These are just people getting fucked on iPhones. Jacob, look. Isn't this girl also great?

It's got an Apple watch, dude. She's wearing an Apple watch, though. She's counting her steps while she's getting plowed out. And Jacob, you can relate to that big fat on the internet. See how else they are, too. You're right, I've said the guy's dick is too big. Linna's girl looking right eye contact with you

in an iPhone while she's getting a dick sucked. There she is. No, see that's out because I don't, because she's playing for the camera. I know it's fake What? What are you staring at the camera Jacob? You believe is what is it CGI? What do you mean fake? I'm saying she's an actress There's no actress doing iPhone pornography It doesn't exist isn't it like to make it seem real? No. No. There's no production being that there could be. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that

people like that. I want it to be. I want real porn so they fake it to make it look real. No, that's what they do with those bullshit like casting things and all that kind of stuff. And these are all real steps. The pawn shopper. I didn't like that. Yeah, all that stuff's not said This is someone filming on their iPhone And they put it out because they were angry this girl or they didn't care. They were like yes sure put it out in the world What's not real about that at one point in time? She may have trusted that guy Yeah, we'll take a break Jacob and you can go fucking readjust in the bathroom there You know take the memory of what just happened me and Shane talking over real

pornography you're fucking clean the bunch you fucking calm dude how would you come from me you want an ASM are you the whole time Jacob I want you to do I want you to finish all over your jacket. You can do it. You can do it for me! Finish! Do it for me, Jack! Finish! Hey, campers, this is Blackloo, and on Wednesday,

we had the return of Dan Soder. The boys talked about absentee fathers, and Dan told everyone the tragic yet hilarious story about his dad, Gary. You have a piece of shit dad. You really are like, I ain't doing that. I bet like, dude, are you playing on having kids? Blackloo? Yeah. Yeah, you'll be a hell of shit dad. You really are like, I ain't doing that. I bet like, dude, are you playing on having kids? Black Lou?

Yeah. Yeah, you'll be a hell of a dad. I hope so. Yeah, excuse my life, thanks. Yeah, you just don't want to. I don't want to be like him at all. Yeah, you're just like, fuck that. Fuck that.

Yeah, no, it's just bailing on a kid. It's fucking, yeah, total. But I bet, you know what? I bet there's a lot of guys that talk that shit, and then it happens, and then they're like, fuck. And then you're just like in an apartment in Tulsa like Man that kids in Detroit hey, let's see him. I know that whatever happened to that kid shit Oh my god Chad he's like eight now

Blow away probably doing great dude with my dad, my dad missed my birthday one time, like confidently missed my birthday. You're like, all right, dude. Confidently, he was like, missed that birthday, yeah. I go, dad, you guys see me, I was like, 10, I was like, can you send me a birthday card and he goes, what? For what?

I go, my birthday. He's like, it's not for a month. I was like, it was two weeks ago. He's like, it's my other son. He goes, dad, I'm gonna go to the sun. Oh, fuck, that's the one I love What's up? All right, I gotta go I'm gonna go play catch I'm sorry with you

Joining us Sean Patton we were talking before the break before he came in about men with Dual families with like two families if you have a shitty dad Like you have steps siblings is that what you say? No, I'm saying you want to be a better if you were to have a shitty dad, like you want to be a step siblings? Is that what you're saying? No, I'm saying you want to be a better, if you were to have a kid. Right. You know, Louis was an example of that, like Louis J. Gomez, great father, really tough, you know, how to dad that got murdered was not his life,

then he's a great dad. Right. So we were saying, how fuck does he- Or at least a living dad. Yeah, he's a living dad. He's alive. My thought was,

I think what would fuck me up psychologically more than having a dead dad, would be having a dad that's alive with another family and Hiding it from you like living with you at your house And with your mom and then goes and has another family like life character on billions dollar bill that has that my dad didn't do that my dad like Like your dad went out and was just like a single Dude he fucking was an indoor cat and they let him outside and he did not come home.

Oh, Dan's that we're son. I'm not doing cat now. Just dad's dad's in the neighborhood. He wore sunglasses at night for sure. My dad definitely had, I remember. That's alive, do you know? No, my dad died when I was 14. Oh shit.

Yeah, he went out. Oh no. Can we lose if dad killed each other? Yeah, in a duel. It was pretty. Like, like, of AIDS or another See that turn into cirrhosis really yeah eventually became AIDS my dad's because he got a C from a pasta as body He's ashes got it. I hope he got the Hep C from a dirty tattoo needle where he's getting his other family Yeah, man, I got to rob that. Oh, dude. That would be great

He's getting his skip. His his favorite son, his other son that I don't know about. I got the hips. Who's barking at about it? It's actually Mark Weiss and that is your brother. Yeah. And he is actually a D1 prospect. He got it. I think banged some piece of fucking lake trash. Which lake? Like Lake Lake. lake like lake like lake clear lake In northern California ironically titled clear lake. Yeah, I don't know where he got some Epsy murky. It's fun. It's crazy That my dad got hepsy from this lady

Yeah, and it killed him But it also killed his sister because he she was a nurse my aunt she came to take care of him And he threw a blood and it got in her eye and she got a hip-sense. And then last thanks to everyone about my grandma's. That's back with Dan's dad was dating Hepatitis Cheryl. Hep Cheryl? That sounds like a bad scene in Oz. Yeah.

It was a different life. It was a different life. It was a different kind of middle. This is fucked up but it made me laugh. My house playing, I always play cards with my grandma when I see her, we played, and there's no TV in that room, but college football's always on, because it's like Thanksgiving, so I keep the TV on

to listen to what college football games going on. And my grandma and I are playing cards, and it's like, I cured my hepatitis C in 14 days. And it's just like, I'm like, hey, Niana! I try to distract her. Oh, over here. Both of her kids got taken out by this disease that this commercial's just talking shit about,

where it's like, and I cured it. Scott free and a week. And my grandma's like, yeah, gin. But now they can cure it. My dad got it in 1997, died of it in 1997, my aunt died of it in 2007, and she like extended her life. She was boozing.

Did my dad didn't wear socks at all No my dad wore boat shoes in fucking corduroy shorts with no underwear My dad dressed for cirrhosis Hey, it's big jail person and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 p.m. Eastern on Comedy Central Radio Series XM95 or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at sexism. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.

this has been a Comedy Central podcast.