The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The King of Ranch

Episode Date: April 9, 2021

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Hey, it's Big J. Okerson and Dan Soder. Welcome to the Bonfire Podcast. We'll have new episodes every morning, Tuesday through Friday, and want more Bonfire. You can hear our full show every day on SiriusXM. You can go to SiriusXM.com slash Bonfire for a special three month offer. The Bonfire! When I was in Columbus, I went and got like a staking shake and watched the Patrice dock on my laptop Just in my room and I was like this is the best This is fucking eating really shitty food all by myself

Watching the take-off suck. I love it a lot of people say it sucks, but I love it. What is it again? I don't know. I just like steak meat burgers. Is that the idea? Yeah, I like the frisco melt. I'm a real sucker for the frisco melt. I love sourdough cheeseburgers.

Can I give you a taste of something big, dude? Yeah. Burger King's making a sourdough sandwich now. I popped for it. I popped for it in the living room and then I had to explain to Katie while so excited because in air when I lived in Arizona When I lived in Tucson, I loved I was broke as fuck and I would always get the jack in the box sourdough big cheeseburger That's a goodie. Can I tell you another Oh man, you were saying that I was like Dan can I get you know another big set of news over here and Bren,

you're gonna take your shirt off for this. Get it, Brennan? Please keep up those pecs back out. The K-Salupa. Yeah. The New Commercial. Yeah. The K-Salupa.

Righteous. I'm into it. I'm into it. A K-Salupa. A K-Salupa. I haven't tried it before, but I'm, I'm ready. Buddy, it's good Is it you tried it? Oh?

Yeah, dude it was fucking great. You know what it's it's like it's like I'm getting that back of the job That's the thing that's the thing going what's the other thing I like there? What's it called? Cheesy grudita crunch cheesy grudita crunch. Yeah, the one of the one of the all-time classics the cheesy fecoral crunch I believe that comes out to that is what's called go to eat. Well, feckerel crunch. Yes, well, a cheesy feckerel crunch.

And now is the in that outside shell. To add a little others low cheesy fat boy to it too, there's cheese inside the fucking shell. In the shell, buddy, baked inside the shell. It's like your tacos being wrapped, your tacos being wrapped by a grilled cheese fucking, this sounds great. What do you call it, Kase D.

It's called a K-Salupa. Yeah, dude, it's a K-City wrapped around a taco. Jacob, turn your camera off. Don't shame face me, motherfucker. I just mean Christian, share it, you piece of shit. And also Jacob, I'll come right, don't shame face me, motherfucker. I mean, Christian, share it at your piece of shit. And also Jacob, I'll come right in number two and tell you, I love the Doritos Locos Tacos of Taco Bell. I would say it's consistent order.

I've only had him once. Ever? Love them. Never order them again because it seems, and Jacob, you'll appreciate this. Little too decadent. I'm already at Taco Bell. Dorito, Dorito, you know what it is? It's the Cheeto dusting.

Would I have heard of a couple of things out there that sound good, that are crusted with Cheetos, but I'm like, I'm not getting Cheeto fingers from eating chicken and making believe that I'm eating something healthy at all. Do I hold on? Because I'm like, if I'm any chicken, which I don't even love, if I'm any chicken, I'm going to eat like healthiest chickens. I'm like, I don't even love. If I'm any chicken, I'm gonna eat like healthiest chickens. I'm like, I don't like chicken that much. Now hold on a damn second, because I think if you're going

to Taco Bell and you're pagan out, the Doritos dust is acceptable because you're already gone to the place. It's like if I'm going to go to a bar. You're also crossing over, listen, Jack Daniels at TGI Fridays, again, your brand crossing, but it worked out perfectly. I got to say something. I don't know if Doritos needed to get into the Taco Bell business. I don't. I think they should have. I'm glad they did.

I'm glad they're fucking hands out of it. No, I think it's a little, it's, it's gluttonous. I'm glad William, I'm glad William Shatner did Rocket Man. And I'm glad that Doritos showed up at Taco Bell and got infused into the taco game. Yeah. The licensing thing, the crossover is just they can, well, it's funny when it, you know, I mean, it shouldn't be, when it recedes, because now TGI Fridays is like Evan Williams, it's not even that he knows anymore. It's like going down, they go down and rungs and they're like, yep, I don't know.

This is some toilet wine from a guy we got locally, it's his ribs. When, you know, the ripple effects from the things you're saying now, or how we get to things like chicken sandwiches with two beef patties on them, and the bun is glazed donuts, and then you're like, what the fuck are we even doing? But the kids, by the way, you won't see,

if C1 was great, the, no, it wasn't. You won't see a real, by the way, a review of those kind of sandwiches that aren't people just talking about how great it is. And I don't know what's going on with those people. I don't even need, I would try at a, in a situation where I could like spit it right back out,

I would, I would try the taste of donut with chicken, but I, it sounds, it's a gag or thinking about it. Chicken waffles is fantastic and it doesn't sound like it's gonna be and this just seems like a play on that. I have a car. I mean sure, but it's just like, I mean, uh, see, I'm fine with the chicken being the bun, but the bun being a dessert.

No, thank you. Yeah, it's what I'm saying. the chicken being the bun, but the bun being a dessert. No, thank you Yeah, it's what I'm saying You're a birthday burger. It's two slices of cake with two B-Fatties in the middle You should try some of our ice cream soup. It's just melting ice cream and meatballs in it ice cream wedding soup It's a classic. It's made in the style of the spot. It's caramel swirl. Oh, this right here is melted down chocolate and then just pieces of elk. What is the sandwich that?

How can the chicken be the actual bun? What's inside it then? More chicken to cheese and all that shit. There's like cheese and bacon and stuff. Jacob, I gotta be honest with you. I never even tried one of those because I agree with you. That's like, what the fuck is this? Oh, I got a real bag to try one of them and it was, it was filthy and disgusting. And I bring up a picture of it. It'll make Jacob nauseous. Oh, man, I ate it. I ate it the way it. It'll make Jacob nauseous. Oh, man. I would never eat it.

I ate it. I ate it the way a preacher fucks a male prostitute in a roadside motel. I just, can we look it up? Munched it and enjoyed it and then denied publicly until right now. Sorry, tell me to look up.

The chicken sent, where do you go? We're doing a show. It's only two hours. I was trying to put this out on Twitter. It's like, uh-oh. Um, it is, look up the chicken, the KFC thing where it's the chicken was the bun. Oh, the chicken bun. Yeah.

Chicken bun, a bun. What was it called? What was it called? The double down. Yeah, a Brendan nail that was called double that. KFC's double that. Did you ever, you one of those Brendan? I had the donut sandwich and

Don't knock it till you try By the way Jacob this man whose body you are falling over Just told you he just told you yeah, you were falling over it You were you were fanning yourself at the same old my duty clear the new guy oh Brandon why I didn't know there was so much man under that t-shirt You're a lot of good natural sunlight. Oh, Brandon. You must be easy to work with you and all the heavy lifting I guess what I just have to say to you is are you gay? I get what I just have to say to you is are you gay? It's a good question.

My revolter wants to know. That means the revolter. Dude, Babs wants to know. Let her know, Jacob. Yeah. Are you gay? The mozzarella is in your double down, which I got to say, if you give that to people in thin slices, Dan, as like an appetizer at some place, I like where you're at.

The concept of that, like mozzarella, chicken, and whatever. Eating a sandwich of that, it's just like, great. It just tastes like, just taking like a grease pot and like turn it over in your mouth. I don't know. It didn't, that doesn't, yeah. It doesn't look satisfying to me, dude. Yeah. Stretching. The by the way, already right there, my big problem, too, why is that why the nooks in Kran, why the valleys in the chicken that right there, let's me know

there's going to be a part that bites back and I don't like it. And the whole sandwich is done. You know, it's funny. We want to do. There's been one solid piece of chicken. I love that when we search food immediately on the side bars to Rosa and Sal's taste buds. Just be like, oh, you're thinking about food. Here's a podcast about it. Um, yeah, that's the way are we stepping in their territory? Are about to they're gonna come and fucking pimp slap us? No, we're talking about all these things are gross, but but Brendan says the donut chicken thing is good. What's the explain flavors on how do they dance on your palate?

It's like it's it's a lot of sugar and a lot of salt and that not much beyond that. Okay. Really? Outside, but the texture of chicken little bit of a little bit of rock, a little bit of roll and a whole lot of fun. That sounds crazy I mean I mean I'm go as far as if somebody ever offers me a chocolate bacon mixed up one more time I'm gonna slap them in their face like they're an enemy stop. I don't care for I don't want to see those things cross over I saw a tweet that made me laugh for someone was like hey I think it was Brooks Wheatland was like hey remember remember that person in 2010 whose whole personality was that they liked Bacon?

Like I forgot about this people. All those people that are like, Bacon does that. They're like, blah, blah from fucking Forest Gump with like, you ever had Gunniglaes Bacon? What about fucking, maybe? Was it because, was it Atkins? Is that why everyone did Atkins? I think so.

So Bacon became life. Bacon was life. And what is it? It was just chicken. That was a double down and everything was all because low-carb was everything. Everybody was trying to come up with low-carb stuff. Those right? Or they just fucking knew. That was a new car, but that was completely delicious. Delicious on to this.

No bread. That breading, I promise you, that was not a fucking low carb. Although they did do it with grilled chicken, which looks grosser somehow. At least the fried resembles the color of bread. Look up the grilled one. Look at you were just fucking holding, like, look at you were pulling dead fish out of a fucking tank. Yeah, oh my god. No.

Again, look, you can eat like little slivers of sushi, right? You could have raw fish in these little slivers. But if someone just hand you a fish out of the fucking ocean, it was like, take a bite of that, you son of a bitch. You're like, there's no fucking way. I gotta give up eating chicken. Man, it does look too much like a body. Ugh.

It is gross, Jay. What? Chicken? Gross. I know it tastes good, but it just, it it looks like a body a body part. It's so great. It's not just guys. It's just what you're eating. It's not just guys. They don't have a girl. I take pride in that. No, I said, look at me. Yeah, putting grilled. I like knowing what part of the chicken I'm taking down. Like I go, you fucking run for me now. Run for me now dead chicken. And I go, no, no, no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no here's how you do it at home, it gets in your like, no, for whatever reason, it won't be the same. No, I don't care if you butter the bread, dipshit, you're not getting the same.

Yeah, I really, it's like, I don't know, something about the same. The ball comes off the hand differently, dipshit. I don't know why it's just gonna, you cannot make no one can duplicate a Big Mac. I don't know why. It's because the extra. I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know why. It's because the extra. I don't know why. I don't know why. It's because the extra probably remember Cooper's across the street from us in New York like it. They're burger

tasted oddly like a big Mac. No, I remember wolf night sort of tasted like a wapper, a wapper. Yeah, which is very odd. But no, nothing's ever tasted like a McDonald's sing to me ever. It's really nothing's not good. I'm saying there's something almost like they pump It's something they they pump like a perfume on it that smells like McDonald's. There's no other way to describe it than that like So it'll never taste that way So making you a big Mac at home first of all taking the time at home to make two small patties

What whoever's cooking would look at you looks you're such an ass for even asking that he goes I'll just make you a bigger patty. You fucking dildo. Yeah, why don't you get your big burger? What do you get to build the perfect thing with the two perfect slices of cheese in the middle? You ask where to goddamn, where to house, grow up. Go to a truck stop if you want science cheese

perfectly cut for too tiny little burgers. I mean, how much of a hard dick do you get? And this is going to the whole group in Christina. I mean, you're of a hard dick do you get? And this is going to the whole group in Christina. I mean, you're proverbial hard dick. Do you get a hard dick when you open up like a double cheeseburger or a cheeseburger from McDonald's? And the cheese is legit melted. Oh, come on.

Come on, I'll tell you. I've never had melted cheese from McDonald's. I'll tell you right now. Oh, yeah, you have, they do a good job on the double cheeseburgers with that. They get them. And quarter pounders, they do a much better job. Big Mac, you have. They do a good job on the double cheeseburgers with that. They get them. And quarter pounders, they do a much better job. Big Mac, you're always gonna get a little cold cheese on it.

Big Macs, a big Macs, a crap single. You can fucking cut or something out of that. That excites the shit out of me. Really? Could you get all these colds? You get that cold slap in your mouth? Oh, I want to make that look so bad now. Are we giving good ideas for, are we giving good ideas for,

are we giving good ideas for taste buds right now for a Joe and things thing? He goes, uh, melted cheese versus cold cheese because I'll debate that all day and the answer is melted cheese. If you prefer cold cheese, you are a fucking lunatic. Hi, I'm Dan Soder and I prefer cold cheese. No, you don't. Oh, yeah. I do really. I love cold cheese. No, you don't. Oh! Really? Yeah, I do. I love cold cheese. Before eating a slice of pizza, you rather take a bite out of a fucking block of cheese like a, like, a pizza bar.

You fucking psycho, Dan. You're saying the crazy thing. That's a different conversation because a piece of pizza is cheese as part of something. Okay, I'll go grab a, I'll rather have baby bell and fucking bite into it. This is easily, Dan, I'm gonna break you apart right now and you're gonna get a problem.

Okay, and probably, I'm gonna break it out right now when it's falls apart. Really, would you look a nice delicious grilled cheese or a fucking cheese sandwich? Same ingredients, just bread shots. Oh, man, I didn't think of the fucking cheese, I didn't think of the grilled cheese. I didn't think of the grilled cheese They feed fucking prisoners better than that

How much mayonnaise is on the cheese sandwich? Not dude, I told I said same ingredients I said same ingredients and by the way then if you're going with a cheese sandwich I say mayonnaise is not the way to play Crafting on me a white bread, this is your deal. Then you just don't have a tail in the back of your hair. I do have, I eat like I just don't hold in my bones. Do you wear a coon hat sometimes? I don't know but my lips are always chapped. There's a red halo that cool a halo around my lips.

How much mayo are you cheese sandwiches before I pull out my heart under American money. Sorry guys, I was just trapping crawdads down at the creek. Dan, you know what? I'll go so far. This might be a little dick swinging cocky right now. But I will say a grilled cheese, a moderate grilled cheese. This isn't someone who really loves a grilled cheese like put

it together. They like their high turnover grilled cheese, okay. And with this just cheese yeah, and bread. Or you can have a cold cheese sandwich with as much mayo as your goddamn heart desires. Dan, what I would describe is the perfect amount of mayo. You're still gonna choose grilled cheese, Dan, or else you're lying. I don't know, dude, I love science, cheese and mayo. Good. I want to see you I want to see commit to it one day when I meet a delicious grilled cheese replaced. And you said, well, now you're saying delicious grilled cheese because the delicious girl cheese is top No, but you're not getting that don't get you a cheese sandwich with with with a lot of mayo on the sides

You can put it you can't argue they can they put the mayo on roll and I want you to sit there on the mouth with that Gloppy mouth of white bread and cheese and go my job glad I made this choice actually Listen, you know hold on hold, I can get the bit. Like, get the bit. All right, let me stay. God, I can get by on a cheese sandwich with mayo. But if we're making choices, of course, I would choose a grilled cheese.

I'm crazy, I'm not insane. Yeah, cold cheese sandwich is something an abusive father gives you when you're driving across country. And you make dishes. You want to fuck up and eat this. And then he made you with it by putting a pack at a ranch or mustard on it. Yeah, but, but dude, come on, Dan.

Dan, you wouldn't put ranch on a square hang on Christine. Christine, I need this. Please, Dan, you've never poured ranch on a piece of square bread for a sandwich. Yeah, you have it. Yeah Damn man, what was the sandwich dude? Yeah, it's just like, you know, I didn't have anybody It was just like white bread and then just hit it with the dollop of ranch and then you know I might have been high too and slap another piece of bread on there and you you know gets it to the next level You're saying you ate a ranch sandwich. I thought you were going to tell me like a bloating cheese and then you whackily put ranch on it. Even worse, a ranch which well

dude, you know, there's a lot of different seasonings in there. So you open it, you were drunk, you'd open it, you go, ooh, the hidden value. There you go. Welcome. I see you. I see you. Yeah, dude, whatever. Even Christine, who honest that God would suck her father's cock if it had ranch on it, would not. I don't snuck. What? It was a great example. It was a great example.

And I say I would prove, I would prove it to be true, but guys list this man. I can't go to depths of my culinary passions. But we do need to take a break. There's no passion involved there. You were drunk or hungover. Yeah, you were down you were down your money to ranch sandwich. But I mean poor. I'm saying you never put ranch on like a ham sandwich. I can't say. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I'm saying you never put ranch on like a ham sandwich. I can't say. I got to do. I mean, the idea of ranch. I mean, the idea of bread and just bread.

The idea of the idea of ranch and bread with me is that's what's hitting me weird. Like ranch and a sandwich bread. It's not sitting well. A little ranch has a dressing on a sandwich makes sense. A ranch sandwich is fucking disgusting God is dead is Oh, go on that there's a part of me that wishes I could be like guys online right now

On my dad you see peanut butter and mayonnaise sandwiches, and that's the only thing that's great That's fucking wretched awesome. I mean I'd rather have a mayo. I'd rather have a man a sandwich than a ranch sandwich if it makes any And I'd rather have a I'd rather have a I'd rather eat a man a sandwich than a ranch sandwich And I'd I'd rather eat my father's own cock than a fucking peanut butter a man a sandwich. Yeah, that's weird That's gross. And are are you for are you being like a comic are you being a comedian? Oh, you're so cool. Yeah, no, are you being silly for the security right now? Dude, I'm telling you guys right now that there was several times in my life where I was

just like, I got enough money for like dinner tonight. Maybe I can get a foot long subway and eat it two meals But I also got some bread around the house and what do we got the fridge? And I've been like high to the point where I'm like I Got's ranch I used to do what I used to do is tortillas and Then I would do like tortilla. This is gross. This is really gross But I would do tortillas and then I would do like tortilla this is gross. This is really gross, but I would do tortillas and then I'd get like sliced turkey, so that's not bad.

And then I put thousand, thousand island on it and then roll it up and I'd do like little turkey rolls. You thought that was gross? No, but then sometime hold on, sometimes I would run out and then I just have tortillas in ranch and I do little tortilla rolls of ranch. That's fucking great You might as well just suck you might as well just suck it out of a sock. I mean that is so disgusting That texture in my mouth. It doesn't make sense. It doesn't it looks like you're eating one of those things that people used to Right on cakes. I have I have taken white bread and put ranch on it and munch it like a sandwich and put ranch on it and munched it like a sandwich. God.

Yeah. I don't know, man. I used to eat cold spaghetti-os. I fucking don't give a shit. I'm a fucking sandwich. What are you up about? I'm a frontier's man. You're from the 90s.

From Mountain Goat, dude. Don't come with the mountain goat. Don't come with the mountain goat. I hope you find my dude. Dude, if you're next special or ab, or whatever's not called the mountain goat, dude, you are fucking your Whatever I fucking damn well, please toss me a can all you did on the mountain You're such a man boy What a man boy

Colts beginios Colts beginios are What a man boy cold Spaghettios are our Lacking cold Spaghettios are three minutes tops from being the way you're supposed to eat Spaghettios Or you fucking grip or you just grip it Yeah, dude, I think you think Dan eats fucking ramen right out of the package like space ice cream you need is cracks in that fucking dusty noodle Fucking fucking Danny's ramen like a cliff bar shirt if you leave it on the couch with me. I have not earned my Colorado citizenship yet, man. You get on board.

And all those fancy pants and all those fancy pants and Highlands Ranch will tell you that I'm fucking wrong. Dan mustard mustard on a hot dog roll. Love it. Makes more sense than anything you've said. Love it. And it costs 15 cents what I've just said. Don't don't love it.

You've mastered on a cheese sandwich. Why is that seem more gross than ranch to me? I don't know. I'll start mustard mustard. Mustard on cheese sounds more gross to you than ranch. All things weird when there's no meat. Yeah, for seeing hates having no meat. Yeah, I'd cut into the use to order the big max with no meat

because they're vegetarians and that was their treat. And I guess that's just a cheese lettuce. So cheese sandwich. So cheese sandwich. Yeah. I mean, it's stupid to go to McDonald's at all. That's how you're going to play it. So whoever that was, let him know.

Yeah. From this guy. No, no. Well, she thinks you're bisexual. Good. Fuck her. Same as the same faction. Yeah, I'm gonna listen to this bitch tell me I'm bisexual. Bitch, he's fucking big, big cheese max. We back as the Bodifier. Now, let's return our attention back to the 1987 classic top gun, Jacob atop, the scene

you've brought up. Look, I mean, that only picks her up again, Jay. I'm sorry. It's the last show. The Kelly McGuinness is. It's, hang on one second, Jacob. It's just the last show of the weekend. I'd be remiss if I did It's not brought on

Dan And you know that no no Well, it was yeah, yeah You said brought on and everyone's face went weird brought on brought on I just Also, time gone it's from 1986 Also, Gary is alive and well in Sacramento. I mean, you guys really want another truth.

And all I eat vegetables and well prepared meals. Oh, before ranch sandwiches, ranch sandwiched ass. Listen, the 1986 classic top gun, Jacob, the clips that you've brought up. Would you like to show us? Talking about the scenery picks up Kelly McGinnis. He lays these terrible lines on her, which, you know, how did he go the first time? How did it go the second time? I don't know, but it's looking good so far or something like that. It's got awful line that you should

when I was a kid I thought it was a good line. I was a damn man. I wish I had the guts to say this to a to a to a chick. Is this where he goes to her house to pick her up? No, this is one of the first Caesar and things you got that right after he sings you got you lost that love and feeling to her in the bar. I thought he said, fuck me if I wrong, but you want to suck my cock, right? I might have a little fucking space brain right now, but you're trying to bag, right? I'm probably gonna die tomorrow in a dog fight, so if you want to pull it out of me now, it's a time to do it. Here, there's a lot of migs in this area. Not a mix floating around.

If you know what I'm saying, well, no, that's just the song, Christine, but I'm saying the conversation they have afterward. And then I think it's, I think it's here. I think it's in the same video. I think that's when they get past the song. Yes. She's won over by this. And she has a conversation with him. Oh, are you keep

Dude most chicks would be all geeseed up about that. Oh my god about your men in uniform Performing her chorus. Yeah, I've never but I've never ever Said a line to a girl ever. Were you ever picked up with a line, Christine, ever? No, I think so with a line. It just felt like a little bit of something I got over this guy probably says this a lot. No, even some really good. You know, you have a stock line ready and you're like you come here to fuck Yeah, I'm this guy I'm the guy. They'll try to just catch eyes and be like

Loud enough for you You try to bitch about something Negative, I don't know this guy's even I don't think this thing this guy's a good bartender's not even taking orders what I don't know if this guy's even, I don't even, this thing, this guy's a good bartender. It's not even taking orders. What? Like, it's just nothing. Nothing. It's freezing, right?

I thought we were inside. Hi. What's the floor made of melted candy? All right. Huh? Right. I tried to do casual talk like, just like you just did. It still haunts me to a girl when I when I was a kid

on the beach and man did she shut me down oh god I remember the line she said take us back because I was trying to like hey it's pretty cool out today huh pretty nice being here so I had nothing I was fumbling for a line to say. And her line back to me was, can I help you? Oh. And then I, I'm in the mid, it's broad daylight on the beach. Oh. And I was all by myself.

I drived and I just got my license. And then I kind of just like, no, I'll just, and I walked away. I couldn't even figure out a word to say to end it. Okay. Okay. I hope you should like, yeah. Are there any frequencies in that pussy?

Whoa. I would like to exchange these swim trunks for a BJ. How you doing, Jake? It took a while to ask any any to even approach somebody after that. It took like two months to get any nerve after that because that just the way the whip lash of a woman letting you know that she had no ways to treat with you. So I'll just go a one time this day. It was like in college, he was my friends.

And then there was a group of girls that were hanging out and one of the girls I thought was cute. so I like Bottle or drink or whatever and then I was like trying to talk to her throughout the night And then her friend to my friend goes. Yeah, she thinks dance like super annoying and I was like You know you just mustered all the all the entire the companies you had just to go do that I'm gonna play warriors on ps2 You know, you just muster to all the all the all the companies you had just to go do that. Yeah, I was like, you know, it's funny. I'm going to play warriors on PS2. Even even on the less, uh, like confrontation away, what's funny is the change of perspective when it's all hope, like when I would send a girl in a class, like a

note, you know, hitting on her or giving her like, you know, as, as going to hang out after school or the weekend or something. And you're writing that and you're watching them like right. And when they stop writing and put the pen in their mouth for a second, they're like, huh, and they go back down in your and your mind when they're doing it, and you're watching them right back on the back of the note or whatever, you're going like in your head she goes, she's thinking like what days, she's when she put the pen in the mouth, she's probably thinking what days.

Like I'm free to go because I really want to spend time with this kid and it's else, it's great. I'm so excited to ask me out. Then you get the note back into rejection. I think you realize that pen in the mouth was just her trying to figure out a polite way to say the word fat. She goes, I don't wanna say he's fat,

but I was not my type, there we go. I have a feeling that I'm not gonna be able to place him until there's several school shootings and then I'll understand. How do I get out of this? There was somebody, they always returned fire, returned volley with like, we're such good friends, I don't wanna risk that.

Yeah, it was really funny, it was like, there's no people. You don't even know my phone number. The people that were in the ladder of getting that note back to you though Through a class and you're like man There's there's just attention and all kinds of shit Just as it's making its way to get you to just get bad to unfold them someone just handed you that Dude I just was telling Katie this story and I've told this story on the Von fire

But I in seventh grade I asked out this girl that was in the popular group Lauren, and she said yes, and I was blown away by it. I was like, holy shit, because I hung out with all the skaters and weirdos, and I was like, this is nuts. And she said yes, and then the next day her friends kept being like,

has Lauren broken up with you yet? And I was like, what? This is like you walk into school, and you're like, this is awesome. And they're like, has Lauren broken up with you yet? And I was like, no, why is I don't think that's been hours. I don't think that's going to happen. I mean, we're day one and it's hopefully a long life long lasting relationship. And then they come up and like, haven't she brought up with you? And then she, her friend, she like,

wrote a note that was like, I'm sorry. I just like, I'm busy at school. And I don't think we can go out. And then one of her friends she like wrote a note that was like, I'm sorry, I just like I'm busy at school and I don't think we can go out. And then one of her friends is like, she only said yes because you asked her to her face. So I wrote a letter that was like, you're mean. I wrote like one of those letters where I was like, you're mean and you're shallow and you shouldn't have done that.

And then I gave it to her and I found out who her. This is idiot. Idiot. Idiot. This is idiot. Idiot. Idiot. I already know how this story ends. I don't know if I know I remember the story, but without even your specific thing, I already know the story and the same thing I told Lewis with that God damn poem. Well, what how, what how it finished was she took it to the popular kids and then

them and my seventh grade math teacher all read it after class laughing about it and one of my friends Of course dude, don't listen So I just want to say to miss Coleseth suck a dick forever You were a teacher and that was borderline child abuse to do that to a boy Yeah, you have to you don't you don't text or write out Sad To somebody You write rage. Yeah. And you write a and you really and you and you look roast. You fucking torch him with a wretched, horrible things to say. But you certainly don't do a bunch of sad boo hooey because that's the

one in a note, dude, because they are going to stand in a circle, all touching tops of heads and staring down that paper and taking turns reading verses from your dumb heart. Sometimes, sometimes you learn that all that fire you thought you were spitting on paper and Mr. Bond's social studies class, and the big fodder for a good laugh session for another teacher and a bunch of popular kids. In Lewis's late 20s, he believed that poem that he sent.

Would you go watch on? Which is the best. I possibly my favorite Legion of Skanks episode of all time. And I'm not even on it. It's the one that I've listened to. In the episode 19 or 20, it's 19 or 20, but it's the Lewis poem. But you go watch it on YouTube, just isolated.

He wrote that and he told me he wrote a poem and I go, yeah, that's cool, but just like chill on it. Like like don't like send it yet like think about that for a while And he goes I already emailed it and I went dude That thing is all it's art as we speak. It's being round robin giggled that by a bunch of people because she left you for somebody So there's not a air of sadness over there. It's gonna be laughing at you going I can't believe I thought you were my baby I thought we would have babies and he crazy and in seventh grade I thought I was making this huge moral stand in being like maybe you could change your life and you

won't hate your life the rest of the time they're like look at this nerd think that you actually give a shit about them and I'm like anyways I'll be smoking camel wides down over by the new construction home field. If you want to let me and my boys know that you feel bad. That's where I develop the show where I go up you go up there and just try to like talk and be nice. And they're like, not interested. I was just trying to see if pigs could talk anyway. Um, when I, when I did ask that girl out on the beach, man, I, I hope you put into perspective, it's always better to ask your girl out at night, because then you can slink away into the darkness when you're rejected or you're in a room and

you can just leave the room. This was broad daylight and the wall, I had to walk away. It was, I mean, it was just me and her. It was a very long daylight walk away. And I felt like you were wearing your firework was watching. All boarding. I felt like everyone. I was read. Someone came off of the ocean with their surfboard. They went, whoa, dude, did you just get completely denied? they went whoa dude did you just get completely denied horrible horrible you just got deena oh dude that was so not tubular what that girl just did to you in front of

all these families soaking in their vitamin D oh yeah get embarrassed in front of people is dude that was the beach so but I couldn't just leave because I thought that would be a worse move because I was like a couple a hundred feet away from her where my my towel was. So I went back and sat there because I felt I had to stay there a little bit of time for self-respect. But then I waited like two or three minutes and then I ran away from the beach. If you can't scurry away immediately, it feels so painful.

But Jacob most certainly, there's most certainly a chance that she didn't hear you. When you said, could she say can I help you? No, no, no, she said it like, fuck off, can I help you? That's how I feel. Oh, it was, can I help you? Yeah. And she got a different dearest my dearest beach girl.

You are the air. I help you. It's a nice sea breeze. What did you say? Can I help you? Oh God. Yeah, that was the worst man. You couldn't just run it off the beach. So I sat back down 200 feet away for a little while. Jacob, you lost taking in my humiliation. Daytime rejection is a whole different ballgame. Daytime rejection stays with you.

Because in the night you can slink into the shadows. I've never hit anybody in the day in my life. I've asked, I asked out that egg. Nor should you. You shouldn't. I asked out a girl and a girl in college I asked out in the blazing Arizona afternoon sun and swiftly got denied. And it was just the middle where I was like, God, this is how far away is my car? This is so hot. It's a dry night times the right time.

Everybody's their coolest. But then the build up because I was sitting there, like, you're going to regret this the rest of your life. If you don't go over and talk to him, you say, oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no I'm just a guy Talk to a girl. Oh You go come on one day your kids are gonna laugh about this pump up speech as she lets you in and you get to bury your weener in her Can I help you Jacob? I feel I feel you was as bad as I could have the worst case scenario happen I'm telling I feel you I've had like those just like again and all of those moments That's the hardest thing to try to tell a kid, my daughter, I'd tell this to my brother, I remember saying these things to the how much like when you're young, none of it matters. Like, man, if you can go back in time and just tell yourself one thing, it really would just be like, it's like, don't worry, none of this is serious.

Like fights with friends and arguments and girls shit and everything, it's like be confident because none of it matters at all. What would be the what would be the one moment in your life? And this goes for the whole crew, including Brendan, what would be the one moment in your life? You would take a time machine back to you to tell yourself it doesn't matter. You can just go back to that one. Oh, by 10 years old, I would have needed that for sure.

No, I'm saying now you look back, you can pick one moment in your life, you can go back to your younger self and be like, hey, this doesn't matter. Don't worry about this. Oh, this moment right here. Oh, I mean, like so yeah, being like bummed about like girl stuff. Yeah. Like sitting around as being like heartbroken over a girl who didn't even know I liked her probably You know, I mean, so I just like I got rejected in the honest way, but it was yeah

If you had one more to go back I Can't think of the of the of an exact moment for anything, but it's just to be like Dude, I'm obviously you obviously take yourself to bed on the Super Bowl and all I can I should take all that I'm saying you just give yourself one thing that goes it'll make school way better for you. If you just realize like none of this bullshit like get into a few fights and talk to chicks and do whatever and have fun. I'm talking about specifically being rejected, like going back to a moment where you were rejected and you can be like, oh, I don't think any of those. I don't think any of those don't matter. I think every one of them mattered.

That's fucking builds exactly who you are. like, oh, I don't think any of those, I don't think any of those don't matter. I think every one of them mattered, and it's fucking built exactly who you are. Yeah, exactly. So no, I wouldn't change anything like that, but I'm saying like, I wish there was moments that I wouldn't have to like, relive again. Yeah, that kid saying that his sister broke up me because I was fat for all my friends. Oh.

And he was older. I'm told I started here before, remember? Yeah. Oh. And he pulled up and he was like, yeah, it's pretty, I go, hey, what's up with your sister? I was trying to call the past to his king and Oliver He's like yeah, she really liked you too, but all her friends were like can't date that fat kid and she was like oh

I guess not so she dumped you I guess sorry, man I think it's fuck you drove away and I was there at my friend. No, he's on a bike even like me my friends like Like I was pretty cool. Yeah, I didn't care anyway Yeah, do that cool. Yeah, I didn't care anyway. Yeah, you do that thing, yeah. Fine, what I was an 80, going between eighth and ninth grade, my missing like fucking family friend, now we knew back when we lived on the East Coast, was like, you know when you're like really little

and you have friends and you're like, yeah, it's your friend. He was like the only person for us really little and they're like, oh, he's gonna be in Colorado so he can hang out for a week. And I was like, dude, showing my cool friends. But Daniel and I will take him on bike rides. It'll be so fun. And he showed up in the first day.

Someone was like, hey, I just found out your girlfriend got fingered by two different dudes at two different times. The shiver. It's just there. And I was all standard operating procedure. I was just so fucking buckled. This kid had to hang out for three days while I was like No, fine, whatever this fucking

Totally fucking funny. Did it add to act like I was complete because he didn't know me. We didn't know each other so I had to act like The the heat rating up radiating off your face from from embarrassment. Yes, that was absolutely that moment. Where I was just like on the beach for me. Oh, man, with Jonathan, I'm too humiliated to bake. I'm like, Hey, Jonathan, anyways, this doesn't happen often. A lot of times girls are super into me. Anyways, you know, those girls when the girls in the hall,

when the girls in the hallway were singing Amanda by Boston the music, I play dry as the song. No, uh, that, that sucked. You have it. If you can go back to that and be like, dude, it's going to be a hilarious story that you tell one day. So don't let it be. I'm telling you know what it is. All I wish I can go back for it. I can really dude, it's gonna be a hilarious story that you tell one day, so don't let it be. I'm telling you know what it is.

All I wish I can go back for it then. I can really pinpoint the moments. It's when they walk by and sing and they go, you bitch, it's new Boston. Oh, man, I really took a shot of the dark and I don't even dumps with no Boston. Okay. So,

and then somehow I would end up like dating the girl. I just wrote the note too. You know what I mean? Yeah. God damn. I think there was a moment in the movie. That's the city I just sat there in high school froze and I was like, is that I don't even know what? My senior year, I like to girl from another school. And I was like, you want to go to homecoming with me? And she's like, yeah, then two weeks later,

she's like, I have a boyfriend now. And I was like, what happened? So could you go? Yeah, I know. Do a moment where I'm like, hey, cut that loose. Just cut that loose. Just, you know, don't go to homecoming this year. It's gonna sting way more They need this Dropped her off after the dance like I hope your boyfriend and you have fun sex alright. I'm gonna go to my house I'm gonna go master bait and he's like you know 100% I'm fucking idiot. Fucking idiot. I'm fucking idiot. Dude, 100%. Dude, after dropping that girl Jeannie off,

just hitting my steering wheel, I'm like, you fucking idiot. Dude, I could do a week of shows literally on the idea of what do I tell myself to do now in that situation from before. Because I mean, I would have changed a lot of fucking shit situations to good situations. Dude, yeah.

I mean I think that's the whole idea of going back to high school but then you don't realize that there would just be a bunch of homework you have to do. You can go back to specific moments, that'd be great. Buddy if I would just say I would just say the entire time that I was in Ohio with my dad that short lived experiment. I would say you should told the whole name or the whole school that you were gay and just see if the experiment worked and if you were a gay kid, that girls would get naked in front of you because they don't care. You're like, old or gay. Older Jay, you're a genius. And you know, don't worry about it, young kid. Hey dude, you're only going to be here in Ohio for like three months, dude. Tell everyone you're gay and just nuzzle up, just be flamboyant to the girls and you will see so much pussy. You're in seventh grade.

You're not going to fuck them anyway. That one's fucking yet, but you will see them naked. And trust me, it is very illegal to see 13 year old girls naked later in life. No, I'm a listen, young Jay, I'm going to jam out because I'm just giving you the info. I'm not here to partake. More power. Yeah. Hey, I'm going to show back up when you're about 18 19 and I'm gonna throw some new advice on those situations and if I don't random piece of advice when you meet a girl that says her name is pink have sex with her and then get her pregnant because she goes to be famous at very least stay in touch

and don't be such a cunt on plane, not believing that she's gonna do something. Yeah, cause it turns out she's pretty cool. You've been listening to... SiriusXM's Bonfire! New episodes, every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on SiriusXM!