The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Mandarin Suite with TJ Miller

Episode Date: March 26, 2026

TJ Miller returns and has a wild story about his St. Paddy's Day escapades. On the Irish holiday, TJ performed at 8am in a New York City bar for a radio event with Jim Kerr. He hired his own personal bagpiper to add flavor to his stand up. | TJ is set to play The Comedy Zone, the same Jacksonville venue that Jay recently appeared at. The last time he was there, audience members tried to attack him on stage. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Crison and Robert Kelly. Bobby, look you falling in love of Paco all over again. Well, I told you, I'm more excited that he's coming with me than he's been. Oh, he doesn't care about working with you. And then he was like, oh, I go, you've been there before. He's like, yeah, I've been there with Lewis. I was like, there's no way that was funner than being with me. And he was Lewis with his chick.

Paco said the words to me. I've learned all I can learn from Bobby Kelly. Repeatedly, he said that. Well, then you're going to learn more this weekend. Oh, shit. What are you going to do? You're going to attack him? Well, he's going from elementary school to high school.

Oh, that's when people start sleeping with teachers. That's right. I like that you didn't say university. He's just getting to high school. No, he hasn't. Junior college. He's not there yet. He's not there yet.

Maybe junior college. It is the bonfire faction talk series 6th and 103, the science, the influence. What's up? In the house with you. We have a fantastic guest here with us. He's going to be at the first. the comedy zone in Jacksonville, mild stomping grounds. Yes.

March 27th and 22. Whatever I was sickness I had, I promised you I left in room 272. After that, he's going to be in Indianapolis, Virginia Beach, and Bloomington. You can get tickets at T.J. Miller does not have a website. It is the hilarious T.J. Miller joining us. Hello, everyone. What fun. You don't have a website.

Your views are so bright, you got to wear sheds. No, there's a video. That's a video camera. Oh, great. That's exactly what I need. Also his white wife gives him black eyes, but they don't call it that in that community. No, they call it Raccoon. They call it slightly darker eyes. Yeah, T.J. Miller does not have a website for all those dates and my line of peanut butter and my line of hot sauce.

Peanut butter, by the way, you gave it to me. Yeah, I had to on your podcast. Your wonderful podcast. It was awesome. And we got deep on your podcast. You really go right in for it. I mean, you're talking about life within a couple of months. minutes. It's a different podcast.

We like to get psychological on the YKWD. A lot of people sing out of product. Not really give two shits about it. I've watched Lewis like I watched him care about body brain. He cares. Coffee and stuff and like you are involved in your hot sauce and peanut butter which is funny. He did. Yeah,

I'm the Paul Newman of comedy but I think Lewis is really funny because he, do you remember when we were on one show? The last show that I did with you by the way I was horrible. It was so bizarre. Something about the chemistry. I just was like flatlining the entire time. But I went on once and Lewis talked about how he got fired from like,

what was the gym that he used to work? Equinox. He got fired and he got fired again or something. And he just was passionate about the culture, the corporate culture of Equinox and their mission statement and everything. It was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard in my entire life. And he stood by it. I think after the thing, I was like, that's insane.

Were you kidding about that? He's like, absolutely not. I love that he just thought he worked there. He went there. No, he went there. No, no, he worked. He was selling memberships? Oh, was he?

And he had gotten in his head. Did he get kicked out too? Yes. Oh, I thought, I didn't have got fired. I thought he got fired for sure, but he... He wound up getting kicked out for fighting a guy. Almost, I was one of them. He took a couple of gym jobs at different places, and he tried to do the high-end ones.

But no, he gets very... Again, that's Lewis not having a father figure ever in his, like, young years at all. He looks for that in a thing. why is that he like how much he worships steve jobs yeah he named his dog after steve jobs and then he got a a tattoo of a a mac computer on his arm that says hello yeah for steve jobs it's the mac classic um but it's like he likes philosophies of men he wants men to tell him philosophy so he so equinoff it must be why he likes you so much must be yeah it's uh he no but it's why i mean bobby bobby you are a big part of that in his life for sure at the beginning yeah i mean

podcasting. I got him into podcasting. Well, like any son. Eventually, he figures he could beat you up, so then he stops giving a shit. Yeah. He'll come back, though, when he's 50. You have a father figure kind of vibe, Mr. Kelly? There you go. Oh, my God, that's crazy. The Mac Classic. The first portable computer, by the way. He is a very,

well, all computers are portable. Well, that was the first one that you could put in. I had that one, and it came with a Targis bag, and it weighed around 17 pounds, and I would go to college with that on my shoulder, and it sucked. I never thought you were supposed to really bring That one around. That was the first one that you could... With the little square discs?

A little square... It had the floppy disks. Yeah. And... Love it, man. That was for 52K motive era. Yeah, it went into that. My friend had a Mac.

Took 20 minutes to get on the internet. It had such good games. We downloaded portography. It came out line by line. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like that wasn't even on those. That's it right there. I feel like that's before internet.

No, that was 14K. It was called... 14K was like, oh my God. internet. No, no. I'm telling you, the Mac that I'm thinking of, the Macintosh, was not... No, there was a Mac before that. There was no internet yet. This was just like the computer. Yeah. And, uh, but it had great game. My friend John had one and he had a boxing game that was on it that was, it was, it was, like, a kangaroo versus, like, Sylvester, it was still, like, Rocky. That's great. It was so, at the time, it was unbelievable. Yeah, this one had Pong.

Yeah, and it was like, oh my God. I can't believe. I believe this is on a little screen. Yeah, there was, the first game I played, I have no idea what it was called, but it was almost like it was a little H, and you kind of, you're going through a maze, sort of, really? It's called Adventure, and you'd have to go, and the dragon would come out.

You'd have to go get keys, right? Yeah, I think it was more simple than that, even. Yeah, but it was right around the Internet. It was just a maze, and you were the H, and you would go through the maze, and you'd have to get a key, but there would dragons would come out of the side. Maybe that's what it was.

Yeah, adventure. If you saw the kind of irate I would get at video games when I was younger, it was crazy. But also the kind of crazy that I think back on for the games that it was, like you're like, that third fucking alligator keeps getting me on pitfall, man. Yeah, yeah. And I got to take the control with the cord and bash it on the ground a bunch of it. So I was like, what the fuck. That's it right there, right?

Yeah, that's it. Yeah. I remember when Laura Crofts came out, I just couldn't fucking believe it. But they had a sexy girl video game. She's not able to complete anything because you're masturbating the whole time. I tell you, I, again, it's to me. I found, whether it be my dads or whatever,

pornography early enough and found access to pornography early enough that I was never taken back. I remember, like, friends that were like, leisure suit Larry. It's like a computer game where they show, like, girls, like cartoon, but you're trying to get a girl's top off and you're like, I'm just going to go watch this girl

get gang banged. It looks like my mom's friend, Darlene. Friends, Darlane, yeah. Across the street, there was a guy had a huge playboy collection, boxes and boxes. Of boxes? Yeah. Yeah. That was great.

I didn't even really get it before I fist pumped you. Pussies. People called boxes. Came afterwards. You know what I mean? Yeah, I still don't get it. I don't get it. I thought you're going to say pox.

Speed it to me again with drive when we're talking. Okay. There were boxes of pussy. Focked it up, man. Fuck. Yeah, I just go. He had just had pussies of assholes. No.

No. I need to go on the road with you. I could step it up from science class to fucking philosophy. Look how excited he is from the potential of going on the row with me, Popple. I'm very excited about it. Every box is a killbox when you're with Robert Kelly. I would love to go on the row with you. That would be a lot of fun.

But you don't drink is the only thing that would make it. I would start to drink with you. Yeah, it's always a fun time. I can't believe I'm alive right now after Kate and I went. So yesterday I did Jim Kerr's. show the legendary New York radio personality and he has a Irish

breakfast every St. Patrick's Day it starts at 5 a.m. people go there and start drinking at 5 a.m. I went, Dave Hill performed at 7 and then I went on at 8 and K. and I just got wrecked. And then after it's over and I hired

my own bagpiper so he was there to do the rim shots instead of, I would like tell a stupid joke and then point to him and he was like briny, laen, laurne, and then I'd be like, yeah, and he'd be, right, and it was so funny, way too expensive, but worth it. That was a perfect bagpipe, by the way.

Yeah, oh, thank you very much. I was wondering how you're going to pull it off. Yeah, you did. I did. You did? Yeah. A bag, your pipe. No?

Hell of yeah. All right, yes. I think I got it. He looks up, and he goes, yeah, that's great. You did. So, Paco, take note. My own bag. You both follow the move, though.

You always, you give the knuckle pound, and then see if you understand exactly. Yeah, you just go first. Yeah. Yeah. get box later. Alright, I'm done with it. I'm sorry.

It was a mistake to do that second one. No, I'm a good person to do it. I'm always coming excited about it. You're into it. And somebody was like, do you always have a bagpiper? And I was like, what fucking question is that? I go, yeah, he follows me around. It's very expensive, but I think it's worth it.

I'm in a lot of debt. He was very expensive. So we did that. Keating, I just got wrecked. And then we went home and, like, slapped. We took like a disco now because she had a really important dinner with art collectors and stuff. And I said, I would go.

We got up. We were like, okay, let's get together. Let's get going. And we just started drinking Guinness. It just began all again, you know? And then we went to this, and it was this fabulous gay guy who worked with Mark Jacobs. He was like one of the main people at Mark Jacobs. And I think he came up with Mark by Mark.

And we had this very, this guy's, I mean, he's a fantastic souse. He's not even a lush. He's just, and so there's just bottles and bottles of wine. We were like, oh, my God, dear God. And we got to the end of it. He went home, but we were with Kate's friend, so everybody goes out and keeps drinking. It was like St. Patrick's Day.

I was like, what do I have left to do? I've been, Guinness, Jameson. I was up drinking before 7 a.m. Like, what is left that could make this more St. Patrick's Day? A fight. So then what is more Irish than all of those things, plus a fight? At the bar, I thought somebody had broken Kate's glasses because she was wearing green glasses.

And I was all decked down in green bowtine and everything. and I was so drunk and I was like, who broke these glasses? They're like, those aren't your glasses. I'm like, of course they're not. They're my wife's glasses. I wouldn't fucking wear those glasses. And they're like, all right, relax.

They're not your wife's glasses. I was like, bullshit. They look exactly the same. Just immediately starts to just get to blows. Like, I'm like, the bartender's like, fuck you. And there's some other guy that works there. And he started to be like, what do we want to do? Do we want to go outside and get this?

I'm like, abs to fucking lutely. We go outside. Kate's like, we're going home. We get in the, and I have the glasses, the broken glasses. We get in the car. She's like, TJ, what the fuck are you doing? I'm like, it's St. Patrick's Day. I'm trying to get a fight.

What's the deal? She's like, those aren't my glasses. I mean, before I go, we're going to need you to circle the block. Because now I have to go back into a place. I almost got to fight to be like, you guys are absolutely right. You ever do a drunk apology? Those are always really interesting. Right.

You're just kind of like, hey, look, I want to say, this is on me. And I didn't mean to make you feel whatever you felt. If you didn't feel bad, if you're angry, I don't want you to do that. Christine's not underhead right now. Did you call yourself a man a couple times? And I'm a man. Yeah, yeah.

And I'll come in as a man and I'll come and I'll say I'm a man and I did the wrong thing. And I'm a man, so if I'm going to fight you for my wife's honor, defending your honor, then that's what I do. I'm a man. But I'm also a being of a man. Just say I was wrong.

And you keep showing. And they go, are we good? Are we good? Are we good? And then I'm talking, I'm sorry, man. We're good. And then I try and go and go. back into the bar and they're like, no.

Wait, wait, wait, I just apologize. I get the fuck out of here. I was like, well, this is a good same path. You go, I've made everything right. I've set the courts to rightness. So it's pretty righteous to me. But, yeah, so I was just so hungover today. And I take brain medication because of my brain injury.

The problem is it really dehydrates you. So I get lightheaded if I have too much alcohol in my system and I didn't drink enough water. I was drinking a lot of water. So it was the St. Patrick's Day to remember. Hell yeah. That sounds great. Did you have corned beef?

What? Yeah. Okay. Corned beef. Potatoes. So many potatoes. That makes me want to drink. I went home last night at 1130 and just had a meal by myself on a paper plate.

Nice. Yeah. I did have a scaly cap on, though. It was corned beef. It was, no, it was lamb. She made lamb. Not very Irish. But there was, there was the cabbage.

There was cabbage. There was cabbage. Nice cabbage and little baby potatoes. Cabbage and lamb. You got to do potato. Cabbage and lamb is good. I would just say it should have been corn beef. It should have been, but she didn't make it.

She bought lamb. I can't. You talk to her. I can't. Guys, I'll talk to her. All right, please, call her. Okay. But I want you to call her.

I apologize to her. Let me get drunk for her. Can you hire the bagpipe guy again? Yeah, I really could. He's great. His name is Chris. That was a perfect impression that I did just said. It was unbelievable.

How much does it cost for a bagpipe guy? I mean. Do you ask a woman how much she weighs? Robert? I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I got a bagpite player to play the opening of the song

Shoots and Ladders by Corn when I did at the Comedy Jam. Oh, that's amazing. And the guy came out and played the whole like intro, this cool intro, and it wasn't mic to the audience couldn't hear it. Oh, no. I mean, it is a loud instrument, though. Yeah.

If you think I'm telling you, it just, everyone was like, and while he's doing the whole thing, they're going like, can't hear you. That's the worst. And then I had to go out there with the cool moment where the song kicks in, and everyone's like, I guess, I guess you're doing the thing. Then the drummer did the stop on the wrong part. I thought this was going to be great.

Jay, how much is a bagpipe guy? How much was a bagpipe guy? It was a friend. It was like a friend of Carla's came and did it. That's right. You got to get a professional bagpiper from NY bagpiper or New York bagpiper. But it's expensive. His like hourly rate, he was like

it's $1,500. Holy shit. No, no, but I didn't pay that. I was like, no. I was like, no. And then he was like, all right, what do you think is fair? What do you think is fair? The next thing to be, what do you think is fair?

Beets he knows it was lofty. But there's also a thing where this guy is like, oh, that's the guy from, yeah, that's him. That's Chris. And, but there's a thing where it's like, I can't lowball him like 300 bucks. a thousand bucks i'm in that's good because it's the day that you he that's his money making day and he went from the morning from doing it in the morning he went to another gig afterwards

and then he had another he's like a stand-up comic doing more than one show all in the st patrick's he's a bagpipe gigs yeah he's on the circuit he's a he's a bagpiper and he has spots all over town that's his season yesterday was his season that's where he makes his money that's where he makes his money for the summer you get two you get three things dude a cop or a firefighter death and fucking St. Patrick's Day. That's it. You're praying for cop's deaths. And if the lead singer of corn can't play for himself for some reason,

and he needs to hire a Biper. You know, and I'm sure he does Irish wedding. I think it's probably a thing. But I think you're right. You know what, though? I don't think he has another job. I think he does this full-on professionally. And then he was going to like a tech bro afternoon party thing.

And I'm sure they give him $1,500 an hour. So he cleared. I'm sure he cleared $15,000 yesterday. That's great. You know, because they wanted him. At least about him, he goes, I don't know, I guess he's also huge in crypto. But besides that, he's, I think just bagpiping. He's had Bitcoin since 2008.

He's going to wear a skirt all day. It was cold out yesterday. $1,500 is not that bad. But when it blew up into the air, that was the true St. Patrick's Day. I know. A real Irish middle just have his bag and balls hanging out, right? I kept urging him to come over near the grate with the steam that goes out. Come on, let me talk to you over here.

He would have drop his bagpipes and do his Marilyn Monroe. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. You're really renting two bagpipes. Ting. Ting. Ting. Ting.

I want to tell the Jacksonville story if that's okay. Oh, please. Well, yes, because I just saw all the thing you're going to Jacksonville. I just got back. I sent pictures. The room that was next to my room was a crime scene, I believe, maybe active. A blinky light that never turned off. A one with the lampshade done.

Some sort of stains all over the... Do you have the... Yeah. Look at this room. This is the room that was next to my room. and it never wasn't this dirty it's tough they just never pretty sure a rabbit was living on the bed

Jesus Christ dude dude on the bed see it took no nothing you that a hooker like raisinets on the bed there's no uh oh my god there's no smoke detectors any of the rooms it's crazy oh Jesus

really yeah yeah and they were like this is totally fine no no no this late you know she says that's why it was funny I forgot one until I saw you're on there she says that you're coming and me and you specifically you You and I are the only two comics that go, not to stay there, but that merrily, when they say

to us, they'll tell both of us, I'm sure you tell you saying, please, we'll give you a buyout, we'll put you down the road. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When I had to start changing rooms this time, Leah, the manager was sweet. She goes, please, I will drive you to another hotel. Please say, Paco stay with me in the hotel last time. It's hilarious. The buffet is shut down now.

No, the crowd buffet? Not till Easter. Oh my God. The ancient crowd buffet. Not to Easter. It's not open until after Easter. I love that place. It's so funny to get the tiniest,

thinnest crab legs. Pock liked to open them for me. Yeah. I couldn't do it. Well, you also don't want to mess up your... My gloves. My nail polish. That is true.

You're the only guy I know that can pull off the full... I do a French tip when I get a manicure. That works. I haven't done right now. But you're the only guy that can really pull off like the full color. I don't know. My hands are a little light. Now I feel like a fat girl. I don't know.

Something about the... My hands are too pale. Thank you more. Thanks. I'm like fat women. Yeah, a girl with a trunk. Big up. So you, uh...

Oh, there's a needle cap that was outside my room. Oh, God. Wild. So I stay there and they give me the... There's two sweets. One of them is the... Mandarine. Yeah, oh, great.

Don't worry. They don't exist right now. What? There's no sweets. This is terrible. You're rescheduling. It's often going back after Easter for those sweets. Times.

succulent crab legs where you gotta suck it out. That's all there is. One of my guilty pleasures in shitty foods, though, is, and Paco, watch this. I got, you know, the imitation crab, shredded imitation crab. And, I mean, they have, one of the dishes they have at that buffet is, I mean, a pile of it.

Yeah, it's just that. It's like eating crab spaghetti. It's so good. Yeah, I love that. So, they have two sweets. I would always stay in the Mandarin suite. So, you know how people ask you, like, what's your, your,

your biggest horror story from doing stand-up. Everybody always asked that question. So mine used to be, I was in Atlanta at the punchline. It was a long time ago at an earlier, like at a different earlier location. And I was doing, this was like when I first started, and I was doing my set and this woman would not shut the fuck up. She just couldn't shut the fuck up. And I dressed a couple times, but I wasn't as comfortable riffing, really.

So I dressed a couple times. And then I just tried to get through the whole thing. And then at the end, I do these characters. I do these characters. And so I finally, I had to get her. So I said, and this next character is a woman. Oh, no, no, no. Here's what happened.

So before that, this is crazy. I was like, excuse me, miss, what do you do for a living? She was like, nursing. And I'm ready for this. This is going to get fist bumps. I go, what is that? Like, on Craigslist, businessmen pay to come in, like, you know, be their nurse and put them in diapers, tink-ting.

Nice. And she goes, no, I was nursing my baby boy until he died six months ago. And it was so real. It was so real. And it just, of course, the room just flatlined. I mean, no one knew what to do. And I was like, I'm sorry to hear that.

And then I was starting at negative six. And so by the end of the show, I got it like to zero. And they go to his next character is a person who should probably not go out until she's ready to, you know, enjoy things and not make everyone around her feel terrible. And this guy, the guy next year was like, hey, you're talking about my wife! I was like, no, I'm not.

This is somebody that I went to college with. I mean, this is Will Smith-style shit, I just realized. And he started running, and I saw he was going to the stage to fight me. And I was like, look, man, you know, however this fight is going to end up, the audience is the real loser. and he got pretty close. He had another great one, TJ. Way to go, TJ.

Way to go. Mid-2000s, T.J. Miller. Is this what people you think want to see? Men going at other men. He's going up? Are you lucky it's not St. Patty's Day, motherfucker? Yeah, motherfucker. I'll break your glasses and they return him because I'm a man.

So the bus boys and some other people grabbed on. He was in like camo shores and a fucking wife-beater. and a camo trucker hat and so they got him Jacksonville Tocito Yeah So they kicked him out And I like

Close the show Go to the green room I'm like Oh my God I think I should quit comedy right This is a dangerous endeavor And then after a little while Like my

Waitress we used to call them at the time Came in And it was like Hey you should come outside And I was like I don't really want to like meet people Or doing that stuff She's like, no, really, you should come outside.

And I go out and everybody was waiting for me and they gave me a standing ovation, which was just incredible because they knew how terrible that situation was. So I go to, everybody leaves. I go to, I'm about to leave. And the bartender's like, hey, let me buy you a whiskey. And I was like, no, I don't feel like, you know, really having drinks. I'm just going to go back to the hotel. He's like, come on.

You ever had McCallon 12? And I was like, no. He's like, I'll buy a Macallon 12. So he supports me. I finish it, talk to him. All right, I'll see you later. And he's like, let me buy you another one. And I was like, no, okay, I'm going to go back to the hotel.

He's like, you ever had McAllen 18? And I was like, no. So I gave me one more. And then I was like, all right, I'm going to take off now. He's like, no, you shouldn't. And I go, why? He's like, that guy's in the parking lot waiting for you. And we just called the police, but they haven't gone here yet.

So he was just stalling you. I was like, I'll have a McAllen 20, please. Yeah, he was just trying to stall me and like not scare me, I guess. Because I was really a young comic at that point. So that was my horse rate. Now, it's not that. in Jacksonville because I was another fucking

excuse me another fucking white woman okay and she just will not shut the fuck because in Jacksonville they get like Jacksonville drunk oh yeah they have their own version I've had people who have featured for me there get lost and like if you catch them in that Duval thing they won't they won't stop doing it they'll just keep saying Duval

yeah they'll keep doing that What is that? It's the county, I believe. Yeah, it's the county. And everyone's like, what? And they're like, we're the biggest county in the United States. And I'm like, I'm trying to give a fuck. Like, what are you talking about?

I don't even know what county I live in. Yeah. What is a county? Why don't you lead with that, Jacksonville? What the fuck is a county? He goes, you don't talk shit like that. And these county borders that we're all very aware of? They just love it.

It's all they have. So, in Duval County. They got some shitty shape of it on, like, shirts. Yeah, I think they were. Some weird a border that makes no sense. They're strange people, but they don't have a lot going on. And so I do love them, but this woman would not shut the fuck up. Another white woman.

So drunk. Yeah. So drunk. You know, kind of like falling onto the guy she was with or whatever. And finally, I'd say like, I don't know, 35 minutes in the set. I was almost done. I was like, hey, you got to shut up or I'm going to kick you out. Okay?

And she's like, you don't. No. I was like, I know that you're a bad mother. I definitely know that. So that's just a line, right? And she flipped the fuck out. You should have said that to the first lady. Ting, ting, ding.

She nursed her baby until she dies my baby until she died. He goes, what was in that breast milk? You're a shitty nurse. That plant of breast milk is just lean. There was scissurep and her tits. That's West Atlanta mother-butter. And so I go, I know that you're a bad mother, and she flipped the fuck out,

and she walked on stage, which is the worst feeling for a comic. When somebody breaks that barrier, it's really scary. So she got up, and I could tell she wanted to hit me in the face, but she was doing this weird thing where she kind of couldn't decide which hand to use. It was so bizarre. And then the guy that I was touring with Lance Weiss,

who's really funny, and then the bartender jumped the bar because there's the cop that has a gun there he was doing some other event on Saturday which is perfect great love that that's the only time I need a guy have a gun is when this fucking girl is on stage with me deciding which hand

they grab her they take her off they don't kick her out she just sits right back down where she was thanks guys thanks Jacksonville comedy zone So we're in the zone We don't kick anyone out So you know a girl, I told us where But a girl came back in the backstage area

I was waiting there for it to empty out a little bit And she just came in the back And dropped to her knees And started grabbing my feet And telling me she knows she's not supposed to be back there But she found me What? And you don't know what to do

You're like, okay Yeah, it's terrible If I get out of here I shouldn't have to do that So she sits back down And I just go I kind of go you're right over there

Yeah what are you doing Paco Making sure the batteries Oh cool That's awesome What is going on Dude right in the middle of this guy Yeah this is more XM than serious

Let me put it that way So I Tago Pago stop Yeah So And then I look And her boyfriend

Who had a goate That the length can only be Describes As sons of anarchy Okay And he was in shorts it's the whole thing. He was just mad dogging me.

He was looking at me like, I'm going to fucking come up there right now and kill you. And I tried to sort of ignore it at first, and then he just would not. And I was like, if this guy's going to get up here, this is going to be a real disaster. She already did, clearly.

As a couple, they don't have a problem with that. They've already made it clear. You can get on the stage here. This is the place to get on the stage if you want to hit somebody with either one of your hands. And so I finally was like,

I got to address this. And I was like, what the fuck are you looking at? What's the situation? What needs to happen here? Do you think that your wife or whatever the fuck this is is more important than everybody else? Do you think it was okay for her to come on stage and fuck up the show like that? Just tell me.

Tell me if you think that that's okay. And I could see him being like, I'm going to fucking kill you, man. But I just kept hitting him and hitting him and hitting him. And then finally he was, I could tell. He's like, yeah, that wasn't okay that she did that. You probably? Yeah, but logic. Ready for this?

You got through? It works in Duval County. but only in the county Yeah, yeah And so I, okay, so like I'm, I figured that out

then I, you know, end the show, come back, come out for the meet and greet and like he and this girl are there waiting for me. That's very, very clear.

And I'm like, you've got to get them out of the hotel. You got to get them out of the club. I cannot meet with these people. So I go back, wait for them. Then they come back to get me and they go,

we made them leave. They're out of here. And then I like finish the meet and greet, whatever. And I go back to the suite. And when I'm in the suite, I smoke a little weed because that's what needed to happen. Not real weed because it's Florida.

It was real weed. Oh. They cannot hear me. So I go back. I'm high. And then suddenly I remember that they know which room I'm in because I made a joke about it on stage.

And said there's two sweets. And they gave me the good ones. The other one's shitty. Oh, yeah. But if you're a movie star, you can stay in the Mandarin suite here at the Ramada Inn. And you can walk right up to the door, by the way,

because it's outside. You can go into the... Yeah, that's right. You can park in front of my room. You can park for the room. And then as I realized that, I just here... My wet floor, by the way, it was the other suite.

My wet floor that I told you... Really? It was the other suite. Oh, my God. It's terrifying. So, right as I, like, realize this, I'm like, they know what... I'm very high.

Oh, my God. They know that I'm in the Mandarin suite. on my fucking door, and I'm like, this is the end of my life. So I rush, because I'm a man, I'm a man. So I rush into the bathroom, turn off all the lights, close you, lock the bathroom door, hide in the bathroom,

call a Kate, and I'm like, listen to what happened. She's like, what's going on? Are you okay? Technically, that is springing into action, though. Yeah, that is. You just spring into an action. Yeah, and that action was cowering like a coward. Like you should be.

There is not, first of all. I slept in the bathroom. I love the... For Florida... I'm not joking. You can see right into the room, by the way. They saw you shut the lights on. Of course you can.

They're watching you be a coward. For Florida... Shit, he got into the bathroom. For Florida to be the place that is like popular... The popular hotel style there is being that motel style, your room goes right to the outside. For that being Florida's thing, there's... of any place where there should be more of a barrier

than a thin, shitty door between you and the place you're in, is fucking Florida. It's always, I've had people come up because again, they know you're in that one suite. I've had people come knock on the thing before, too.

Absolutely. You both could stay at a better hotel, but you choose this life of danger. We're punk rock. Yeah, you are. That's what Jay is fucking punk rock. You know, happy Jay was that he found two different fingernails

in front of his door? Geez. Before I got in two fingernails, the thing, the needle cap, and then the, do my wet socks drying on the air conditioner

in the hilarious. The guy kept telling me he was going to come change the air conditioner in the new room. He goes, I'm going to come change the air conditioner. And he kept changing the thermostat. And he goes, I don't know why this thing's not working. And then I just pushed the button on the air conditioner. And he goes, oh, this one's not set up to the thermostat. Oh, nice.

And he just left. Nice. But if you look in the door, the deadbolt, it's just all the wires that connect everything. They're in the deadbolt hole where the metal goes in to lock the door. Yeah, you have that picture, Christine. Show them the deadbolt wires I mean that's wild So I guess I won't stay there

But I stayed there kind of as a joke Like I've done that quite a bit It's just like this is funny to me to do this If this might well here's the thing I may have still thought it was kind of funny My socks getting wet By the way Bobby's pointing it out too How many times has that door been trying to be kicked the fuck open

Yeah Look at those scrapes They keep saying there's no more drug acts And prostitutes I didn't see really prostitutes But I mean I was watching somebody shoot up In the fucking ice cubby. They can't get them all, Jay. They can't get them all.

You're not wrong. They like fucking mice. You can't get them all. Year round, though, that pool's water, crystal blue. I'm not getting in it. I think one year, yeah, and such strange people there, but I remember one year they have an ice machine, but there was no ice bucket. I was like, what? You have to go over your hands? Oh, go back to the video of the the room next to me, because I want to show you something interesting in that picture also. Oh, John Card, the guy was featuring, my buddy was featuring for me. they had to, they said the terms,

steal towels from a different room so he can have towels because he didn't have any to begin with. Tows. They did this to be a moment, they go, there's not smoke detectors in a lot of these rooms and I went, yeah, it's going to be okay.

It's going to be fine. You have the video of the room? Yeah, if you look, pause it, not the other yet, hang on. Pause it right there. Look under the desk, right there. That's the only do not disturb sign in the entire building.

Stuck in a room crime scene that they can't open legally, I believe, until they find either who committed that murder or they find that little midget poltergeist lady who's going to get the room clear. Bill, you have to come in and clear the room. Why leave the light on? Someone's walking around this hotel.

When you have a window that's wide open for the three days I was there, or two days, and the lights flickering inside, and it looks like that. Close it. Maybe they don't have enough money to have an exorcism to get the ghosts out of the room. But the gut,

They put me on a room on either. I moved rooms three times, twice. And the second time, between the second time, it was from 270 to, or 268 to 272. And there's only the one room in between was that. And that was open. The people who put me in the room walked by that and were like, didn't think to go, shit, let me go close that curtain at leave. Nothing.

I think that there's a level of, and I had a job once, it was kind of like this, but there's a level of contempt for the workplace and the fact that you have that job that there is almost like, fuck it, I am going to leave the... Yeah, but it could have been a crime scene and the police said, listen, don't touch anything in this room

because we have to get evidence. It might have been evidence. It's very possibly evidence. I would say something terrible happened in that room. I also love that the cops were like, all right, just don't touch it. We'll get back to it in like next week. Just leave it be.

We'll get there when we get there. We have a lot of stuff going on in this hotel. I'll tell you the power I felt one point there was my key stopped working in my room So of course I had to go and the night manager fell asleep in the back so they couldn't get a hold of him So they gave me and Cardin the fucking The master they'll give you the master key that open up any room That really dare That really if you dare

You feel that moment of power though where you're like I can go into anything It would be fun to just go and just like clicking rooms and throwing it open and see what you see Just open up all the hookers are in one room They're hiding about you there that weekend It definitely was a place where people were having sex with prostitutes. It's always sort of been that.

And then it has a vibe that people who are at the pool are maybe not staying at the hotel. Well, we in Pocco. They're just local. Do you think? Me and Pocco. They have a subscription.

They have a membership. It's a swim club. And you go and get your steak and shake. You swim for a little bit. And then you would... When they were telling me, they got to move some of the people from this building over that building where the internet is

because apparently they're with TPC sawgrass. They're fucking like the huge golf tournament was in there the weekend they're like you have people from that's thing here that's crazy me and paco got accosted by a uh a giant trans woman i mean could have beat the shit out of both of us we accepted her yum yum yum we accepted we accepted her weird kindness that's a perfect excuse we accepted a weird kindness because we were intimidated by her honey she would have beat me up if i didn't yeah i didn't what did she say to us paco and suck my cock both of you it was we saw her in a got a smoke shop or something she goes i knew i see y'all

I want the gay one to suck my car first and then the Asian. Yeah. Oh, shit. Sorry. Fish bump, no. Fish bump. No, vis bump on that? Okay.

It's all right. We got your trailer. Yeah, it's really exciting. It came out today, the trailer, and it just, it was at South by Southwest, and I didn't go because I was doing stand-up stuff because it's what I love. That's your passion? Yeah, it is my passion. But it's cool.

I mean, the trailer is awesome. What is it about? So it's a techno-thriller. Oh, not a comedy. No, not a comedy. And it's, I mean, I'm funny in it, sort of. But it's like, they did fuck up one of my jokes, which is very frustrating. But it's a techno thriller.

So it's about AI and this guy who sort of hacks AI and gets enough of like dating advice from online and everything that he can, the AI will help him like hook up with girls and have sex with girls. And he's trying to kind of make it to be an app. But then it starts to take over and fuck with his life and fuck with the people that he's sort of drawn in without telling them. and lying to them and everything. So it's really interesting because... Are you the guy? No. The guy is like a handsome.

It's a lot of television actors, but the guy has to be handsome. So I'm his tech partner and I am in charge of the company and he's like the lead developer. I think you're handsome, by the way. Fuck you. You're the handsome guy.

I'm a beautiful, strong trans woman. What is this? It's the largest growing sector. Love. No one can have to. love, but maybe AI can't. Hey, man, I love your idea. I'm going to go masturbate.

You're all welcome to. You can do it there in the boardroom. Ooh, maybe the Molly, but. AI, love you. I need a report of a missing person. If I'd say we should talk about them for two more minutes and just posted the trailer. This is radio. Yeah.

Yeah. They can't see that. No. That's hilarious. Well, yeah, what do you think? I mean, it's so, the reason I did it is it's just like, so different. I really haven't been in a movie like that ever, really.

Was it fun? Was it more fun? I mean, you're going to be the comedy kind of like a break anyway, but do you have scenes, I assume, that are like you're kind of scared or something? Yeah, it's funny. They're kind of using me a little bit. Did you improv the masturbate line? Yeah, totally. But that's the one they fucked up, because they needed to, like,

do the back end of that, which was me saying something like, you know, everyone's equal here. This is a workplace where everybody should feel comfortable. So, you know, that's the joke of it. But I fucking love the trailer. And I think it's interesting. Like I like the director.

He's a soap opera star who banked all his money so that he could become a filmmaker. And he wrote and directed it. And I mean, all those guys were like great. But it's just like I think it's interesting to be even in that trailer because any of my fans or anybody knows to me is going to be like, what the fuck? And it was very fun. But I only shot like a couple days on it because I'm only in like two local. But you got the and. I got the and.

The and is fucking amazing. I have the and underwater also. But I just think I think it's an interesting thing to be in. And I loved the director. I think he's really, really cool. But, you know, between all of us and the millions of listeners. And millions. And millions.

And they kind of sort of lowballed me. And then they wanted me to come to South by Southwest. And I was like, all right, that's cool. and then I was like, no, I'm not really going to do that. Because it has to, movies have to sell themselves on, you know, America decides of a movie is good or not by watching the movie or hearing from somebody that they know who watched the movie. They don't give a fuck if I'm like, and I love this movie.

It's great type of thing. And I'm not in the movie that much. So it's like hilarious that I'm in the trailer. I also close the trailer with a joke that they fucked up because I'd say, maybe it's the Molly kicking in, but they cut the kick. making in. Maybe it's the Molly is like all I say. But it's the point the point is it's really an interesting film to be in and I'm kind of only interested in doing films that I write and star in or things like this. It's funny. I feel the same way. I know. You've always felt like that.

That's why we're so close. We are very close friends. That's why I just like to do this and nine other podcasts because the right film hasn't come across my plane. It hasn't come along you When you do, you're going to get your teeth done. Nine other bodies. This looks great, and why it's great is the AI. Like, that is coming. Where guys are going to use AI to live their lives. Like, we're going to get this for Jacob.

It's coming out. It's coming out soon. It's not out yet. No, we don't think I texted him. Just the trailer, but, you know. Is it in theaters, right? No, no, no. It's streaming?

Just the trailer came out. And I think that they're waiting to. to, yeah, so they have buyers in the mix. That's what's happening. So Netflix likes it. So I bet it'll land at Netflix unless they lowball us. And if that's the case, then... Prime.

Yeah, it'll go somewhere else. But, you know, it's so insane, but, you know, Netflix probably is a better brand name. But, like, you can make more money at Tooby. Yeah. Really? Yeah, because it's cable. You know, they don't, you can't, you can't subscribe to Tooby. Yeah.

Black Loo chimed in on that one As the first time I saw him look over and go Tuby, hell yeah Yeah, I love Toobie I'm a big Toobie guy Black Lou's got his own seven movies directed on Tooby Yeah, yeah Yeah, him and Kwan Mills

Bitch got roaches in her crib My pastor trying to eat my girl's dooky hole DJ Miller's new special The Philosophy Circus is out now And streaming on YouTube And again you can catch him at the Comedy Zone You know what room In Jacksonville, March 27 to 28th

After that Indianapolis, Virginia Beach, Bloomington for tickets and all of his tour dates. Go to T.J. Miller does not have a website.com, all spelled out. Thank you so much for being here. Can I say one more thing? Philosophy circus is, I'm really proud of it. And it's great. It's like philosophy, but it's also juggling, like, cigar boxes.

An audience member plays the trombone. There's terrible ventriloquism that's like inception style. So it's really worth watching because you've got to see it to fucking believe it. and I remember I came on here to, this was pre-Rober Kelly, I came on here to promote my special also on my channel, Dear Jonah,

and I came in and for some reason I was positive that you would have watched it. And then I came in and I, yeah, even not yet. And I came in and I remember I was so hurt and confused. I haven't watched it. I didn't watch it when you brought it.

Yeah, and I remember I was so hurt and confused. And I got on, I think it was Kate, but I told her, I go, he didn't watch it. And she was like, Who is going to watch it?

None of us have any time to watch anything, not even our own shit. And I was like, have you not seen it? And Kate's like, no, no, no, I've seen it. But so, yeah, check out the philosophy circus. And I love you. It's going to be a lot of fun to see when it's funny. Thanks for coming in. You're always awesome.

Thank you. And I really had fun on your podcast. Enjoy the pre-record tomorrow. Thank you guys for hanging out with us. We'll catch you next week. Crackle, crackle.