The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Mayor Of Nashville (feat. Nate Bargatze)

Episode Date: April 21, 2022

@thebonfiresxm

Hey everybody don't forget Big J is going to be in Nashville this week and Austin at Moon Tower You got a bunch of chances to see us this Friday April 22nd 7 pm at A & Tone's live bonfire show But J's also got two shows of the worst comics tell tales of the worst situations of their life all at big J comedy com go get those tickets Grisha badges come see a show to the right thing Dan Soder of course going to be headlining the Paramount Theater in Austin, Texas that is Thursday, April 21st. Everybody get there, you don't have to have a festival badge,

you just gotta buy a ticket. It's a standalone show and a festival show. Wait, it's one way this way. It's over there, it's over there. So too faced. Make sure you check out that Null Dan's date's coming up at dansoder dot cam And now the bonfire with big J. Ocarson and Dan Soder welcome to the bonfire series xM

Faxon talk 103 um Dan Soder that's big J. Ocarson we're live in Nashville the crew back in New York Lew and Jacob in studio Black Lew at home or or Black King, the Black Tiger, Lewis, John, we're live in studio with the mayor of Nashville, the King of Nashville, the Duke of Old Hickory, Nate Park Gatsby. I wanna welcome, welcome to Nashville. You wanna move here? Come through me.

Dude, the welcome committee. I'm getting, I'm wearing y'all down. You didn't wear me down, welcome committee I'm getting I'm wearing y'all down you didn't wear me down buddy I'm already I'm I'm still doing I'm still doing places I feel like a college recruit where he's like you can do this you want to see our facilities yeah nice nice open road here's the thing I will tell you though and very possible to probably make this happen it's to you want it Lewis jago mess comes down then

So you can leave you in a scanks here now You don't want Lewis jago was walking on your neighborhood with a shirt off They were definitely kicked out They have to have a meeting with Nate they go we love you Governor calls me I'm like, well, how did you get in on this? Louis is that big of a problem. The governor gets involved. Nate, he just kicks his boots up on a desk.

Nate, we got a snake problem, a rattlesnake problem. The head of Louis just coming in and walking around with his shirt off, walking sport around the neighborhood. Yeah, so funny. Dude, all right, almost RIP. You told me about sport. Yeah. Sport is getting put down I think next week.

I think he wanted to spill the news, but young sport Don't say any spoiler alert. We're gonna do a funeral for sport. It's actually sad because I said I didn't like you know sport Was kind of in and out he has been around for a long time. He's been living with Louis's ex But it is fun. It put a timeline on that like I remember when sport was a problem for everybody I remember when sport was a problem for young baby James because he was a baby It is like sports guy going the other room and you just your sport back at the apartment on 21st He would be in his apartment you would go over there and it was a night I mean it was like you're like oh that's a Lewis's doll. He would tell you to stop moving. He could stop moving.

He'll stop trying to bite you. And you're like, I want to hang out with my friend. Yeah. Oh my, yeah, exactly. It's like, you want to play video games? And you're like, yeah, the problem is, as soon as my fingers move, like your dogs are trying to eat hands.

He's like, oh, smart. Smart. Sorry, well tried. Smart. My friend, the worst I've ever seen it, was my buddy Joey's house. You go over there growing up and he had this dog Louie that would just aggressively bark at you Yeah, the whole time you were there and all they would do is go Just sit next to you go

Just bark at you while you're sitting on the couch on your money and I footballing like I don't feel comfortable And he's a big dog. So like, I don't like this at all. We were all mind. You may have been there for this. Nate was definitely there. We were all at my barbecue or something or just hanging out for something a bunch of us. And Louis had like the guys walk over with me. I got to go like, let's sport out for a minute. And he opened the door. And I'm a lot of, and Sport and I mean, bust through the line and just I mean, down the main road. You need the right, you know, the right down the hill

is like, oh, we can look over into the highway. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he starts hoeing as he goes, and he goes, Spar, Spar, Spar. And he goes, I hope he's fine, he comes back. And then he starts coming back, he goes here. Do you remember this? He goes here. He goes, spark goodbye. Sport and sport just he never changes speed. He just comes and zips right by and then goes complete the other way.

All the way. Spark. Spark. God damn it. Hang on guys. We'll come back. He always comes back. I think we're out there forever. We had a way. We had to go look for each left. He just left. We go. He goes, dude, I'm a great dog. I go, then for it. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, we had to go look for each other. He just left. He just left. We go, he goes, dude, I'm a great dog.

I go, then how come every time you have a chance, these dogs try to, this dog tries to escape you. He would always tell us, he's like, I go walk it, and then you're like, but he doesn't go home. Louis was the most not home person I've ever seen and to have a dog and you're like, your dog has been locked up, I think, for a long time. He's fine.

He's fine. He's fine. I walked him earlier Tuesday. He also lived at a hotel for a little bit. Could you imagine how much you were supposed to do? Did you get one? Oh, really? Living next to sport in a hotel.

Oh, it was great. I mean, I don't know. Lewis is sport. If you had a chance, if you go, one of these people are going to own this apartment. You want it to be Lewis or sport. Well, the hotel he said every time sport would piss and shit enough where it smelled bad

You couldn't bring chicks back. He would just move to another room. You go this room smells like shit I was seeing the hotel It was a good junkie hotel. Yeah, it was Lewis's writers phase There's a poet that's my Dylan arrow when I had to go help him move that day I think we've talked about it, but it's my favorite. Just, I don't know, maybe we didn't talk about it on here, but he had to go, when he was getting moved and that he was getting evicted out of that apartment.

And so they wouldn't let him go up. So it's like the worst, because he makes, we have to go in, because we're the only ones allowed to go in, he can't, and he's just out front just so serious, he's screaming at everybody. But we're young. Just, like a serious, like screaming at everybody. We're yelling through, look, do you want this table? You want to say?

I always had to one where the cops, I think I called, cause he told the guy he was gonna kill him. That was the one by Bobby, that was the opponent by Bobby Kelly. He said, he put a knife down. He goes, I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna stab you with knife, he goes, yeah, and then what happened?

He goes, why'd you get kicked out? He's like, well, there was a knife like out showed him the knife. Yeah, he showed the knife and then put it down. And he goes, I'm going to kill you with this knife, put it down and left. And he goes, my room, that's freaking out about something. Yeah, I'm going to go home. I don't know what it was. Problem. Yeah, it goes to go to go to some cops in my house. He goes, I don't know what this is all about. There's got like a,

it's probably something to do with the knife threat. Yeah. He's like, oh, man, I wonder how long because sports old 15 16. He is an old 15 year old Jack Russell Terrier. I wonder at what age? I bet James had some good years of sport where sport was just like, oh, yeah, trying to run. Well, Lewis just said he just saved his sports blind. Yeah, he can only walk left. So he said this week, he was like,

I thought he was gonna die here at the house. He told me today, he said he was doing this thing where he just keeps circling left, but it keeps, you know, he keep going left, he's just making like, you're moving somewhere, you're just going in a circle. All the time, he goes, he started going towards Lewis lives in a split level.

So the living room's got like the, the railing over like where the front door is down there, five feet, whatever. And he just goes, sport was his, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, Sports sports thriving in his mr. McEaths, but I didn't see sport from Wiley Jack Russell till I went with Taloois's exes or as like Beatrice is with them one day to get pick up food or something a couple months ago We went over to his new place and we said I beat you and I saw I didn't believe a sport. He shrunk Oh, wow and his hair is all like wirey and like patchy. And like he's just got milky eye and I was like, who's this freak?

He's like, that's sport. That's sport. That's, hang on, he's going, well, there he goes. That's sport, he's like, in sport, looks like he's like, two dollars. You really, he's like,

barked, he's like, writing, kill me and cable on the ground. Kill me. To my grandma's dog went completely blind to death and she just had it in the house and he was just like Walking up and he would touch you and you'd be like like touch me and he'd be like He's just going piss in the kitchen and she'd be like oh buddy's going to the kitchen. It's like put him down Yeah, kill him the family guy did a great thing on that when he was like Brian's gonna when they did think about Brian being an old dog

That's in a burden to everybody is walking over by the food like He puts his head in the bowl. He's like, he's placed there. Those milk, the milky eye. Milk eyes. Once talking gets a milky eye, I'm taking it out back. Do it myself. Yeah, I guess. I'm gonna think of like,

I guess what you can do that here in Nashville. Yeah, put your own dog there. Yeah, in the yard, you have a big enough yard. I'm just going to tell Katie when Mertle gets like old, when she thinking like, eh, guess what, you can do that here in Nashville. Yeah, put your own dog down. Yeah, in the yard, you have a big enough yard. I'm just gonna tell Katie, when Mertle gets like old, when she becomes like a 14 year old dog, we're just gonna go for a walk, and I'm gonna come back and have her taxidermed.

Yeah. To have her stuff, and be like, she's great. Come back with a new puppy. And go, we tried it in. Yeah, you're in it. You're in it in Kelly Blue book on Mertle. Kelly Blue.

Do you've heard this, but I think this is one of the craziest things ever, for sure, our friend Michelle. I. I was very loud. Yeah, you've heard this, but I think this is one of the craziest things ever. For sure, our friend Michelle, I think you may have met Michelle before, but she's wanted to do the musical, that we in Lewis were in, how the musical. And she's become a very good friend of ours, Isabella works with her and stuff,

but she isn't, she always has somewhere between four and six dogs. And they're all little tiny ones, they just bark constantly. They don't go outside, there's like pee pad, she loves them. and she will take such good care of them like grooming and everything but they're just like indoor dogs completely and then one of them died and she wanted to get it taxidermied and so she just put it in the freezer in a bag. No. And the housekeeper, like to say,

you imagine going, he goes, he goes, oh my wrist hurts. Let me get a little ice from him. I was like, oh my god, she's Captain American or her dog. And then she sent out to get taxidermy. He'd never picked it up. She's just standing somewhere. Is it delivery service?

No, no, no, no, no. That's come get a dog. No, no, no, no. I guess, like an Uber,, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, story that's why I don't know I'm gonna tell tonight the story telling show and then I'm gonna this will be in my next hour I just Harper's still young so I don't want her to tell her yet I can't tell her she believes but we had like so we she wanted to get me big for after she's listening right now yeah turn up the back he's turned that up turn up a little bit so my dad's on serious can you

come up the volume crank Crank it up. Can you just respect, put it up. Yeah. Uber buyers don't work better fun about me. She looks up. Can you turn that up? Uber buyers don't work. She goes, where you got that on?

103? Turn that up. My dad's promoting. So we got, she wanted, I said if you get like, you know, A's in third grade or something. I was like, she wanted to get any picks. I was like, I wouldn't get you a guinea pig. Well, she does, and third grade or something. I was like, she wanted to get any picks. I was like, I would get you a guinea pig. Well, she does, because third grade is easy. Yeah.

Yeah. It was to no credit of her own. Yeah. It was a cruise course. Honestly, it's the last grade I had great success with. Yeah, yeah, third grade is like, you know what? Barely any work and you do well. Fourth grade, and in multiplication and everything.

Lar didn't want to get the guinea pig, but I was like, we already said we'd do it. So we go get it. It's just like, you know, buy it, go to pet go, whatever. And whatever it is, like pet smart. And then buy it and like, whatever, it's like $25. And so we get it home, blah, blah, whatever. You know, typical kid, like, you know,

says they want it, not always a, not doing what they're supposed to be doing. So we were like, you got to shut the doors that the room that it's in, because our dog, Holly, will, like, you know, I was like, your dog doesn't know that you got straight A's. So, he, she wants to eat him. And so you got to lock these doors later.

So then my, we're gone. Me and Lars with me at Memphis, at some trip. And then my mom's watching my daughter. And we get a call. We hear just whaling and crying in the back. So someone left that door open, the dog got in there and I mean, fur is everywhere on the floor and we don't know where the guinea pigs act. So Holly got after it. Holly got after it. But we don't know like did she swallow it? Did she? Where did it in the wall? She saved it for later.

I always had a big fear of it. As I'm just being like a month later, he's gonna come out of the wall and be like, and you're like, you're still alive, baby. He's done, you can kill me. I healed myself, got perfect bandages on. You thought I was gonna come through this. I had to re-break my leg and set it.

Oh, and then he just here goes, hey dog. Yeah, dog looks like this. Guess who? It's Scott out of it. It's Tom Goldstungeon. You should have made sure I was finished. You should have finished the job, mine. Gives him the rock, bottom.

Yeah. She's back. Oh, my God. So we don't know where it's at. And so we're like, you know, she's. Was there just fur? Was there blood? I think there was just fur. I think there was maybe as a little bug as fur like I didn't we weren't home Okay, so we're like, you know, and there's a little bit of us being like

All right, if she doesn't you know, you're not that mad as a parent I know you don't want an animal die, but you're definitely like yeah, it takes a little part We did it food food budget loosens up. Yeah, you're like let's not Feel apart. Yeah, that didn't, let's not. Fill apart. Yeah. Yeah, that didn't work out. So then my sister comes over and we've had a lot of animal problems with our family where we've had, we've had a bird fly

out. We had a tranchilette one point froze. She broke in her house, just froze the diff. We had fish that jumped out of the aquarium and killed themselves. All right, did you get yourself one? And when you see that, dude, Carla's, my ex's mom used to have, she got three of these, gigantic, couple hundred dollar fish, a piece.

And kept it. And I forget, but it kept it in the tank that was like for a young person to have some goldfish in their house. And this thing, it took up, like, you know, it was like, it was just constantly going, boom, bang, on either side of this thing. And then every time she'd buy one, within a month of having it, you know, it was like, it was just constantly going boom, boom, boom, like bang, on either side of this thing. And then every time she'd buy one,

within a month of having it, you'd come home one day and it was just down the floor, the whole, it was such a big fish, you would bust down the top and rather just die. When I lived with a mirror and he started like doing really well selling weed, he got into fish tanks and he bought 120 gallon fish tank and it started buying weird shit to put in it

and he bought an eel, a freshwater eel. And he was like, yeah, look how cool this eel is. He's like, yeah, this eel is awesome. And it just swim around. And one day, like on a Friday morning, it was hung over and I went to the kitchen and I like got something to drink and I stepped on something and I was like,

what is it? And it was just the dead eel on the ground. Like that, like jump that over. I can't live it. I was like, what is it? And it was just the dead eel and ground. Like jump that over. I can't live it. I was like, oh, fuck it. It's a monster. Dude, I touched it with my bare foot and I was like, yeah.

Look, it's shock to you. Like it was one that shocked you. It's like, he touched it. You're like, oh, what was that? Oh, I'm awake. Oh, well, don't need the coffee. What was that? I'm a little, uh, uh, so we, uh, his story gets better. Oh, no, I'm very the little pillow. So we,

the stories gets better. Oh no, I'm very excited about that. So my sister comes over there. My sister Abigail is the one that loves pets and all this stuff. And we had, I mean, our dog, Annie that died. My parents had a cat and Abigail kept our dog. She has a dog and our dog over

there with the cat. Well, she comes on one day and the cat's murdered. I mean, just it's been murdered. And she was Abigail. I was like, I think it's your dog, Annie. And I was like, Annie's like, I was like, Annie's like murder, you know, making a murder, you know, the his nephew. Yeah. That's Annie where you like But she did not do like she doesn't know what's going on Hey, did you kill thing? Yeah, I don't know When's rest on maybe yeah, yeah, am I gonna be out of here to watch wrestle maybe? Yeah, I don't know Yeah, he's gonna kitty goes okay, all right. You were there the right. I don't know. Yes

He goes, okay, all right. You were there, right? I don't know. Yes. Wolf. Wolf on the dog. Wolf. So, so Abigail has dizzled the dog that pet stuff that our family did.

Did Annie kill that cat? I, I, I still to this day, I don't think Annie has, Annie's not, didn't have that in her. Yeah. But I mean, she definitely was around it. It's like, but she didn't like, she was happy she wouldn't talk it. I mean, she is straight up that, that nephew that But I mean, she definitely was around it. But she didn't. She was happy she wouldn't talk. I mean, she is straight up that nephew. That nephew that you're like, yeah, but you can't be

there, man. And you should have realized that. But then you feel bad that they're in jail, but then you're like, but you also can't be there for that. You know, it's also a fun thing to know, like family drama to bring up next time Abigail's just hanging out. You go, I mean, Nate's dog murdered that cat. She goes, I know. Yeah, I'm gonna say it up to you. I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna run free like OJ. Post on Twitter, not a care in the world. So Abigail comes over.

So Abigail Harper's balling, crying, and we think it's just over. And then I get a text from Abigail and she's like, he owe me $180. And I'm like, well, what for? And she goes, well, I'll tell you, and then she'll tell you later. So she calls me later. So she went and bought a new guinea pig.

And she's like, well, I'm just trying to like, she's trying to find one that matched, you know? We're gonna put yours. Yeah, goldfish, that works unbelievable. This is great. The guinea pigs are pretty tough to match. She can't, yeah, she can't find one that matches. So she goes and finds one that's some science exhibit

that has no fur. So it's hair. Different color and no fur. Completely different color and no fur. And also, she's like appendages are much larger and different. I mean, there's nothing that resembles that this should be the same animal and it's caused a hundred eight hours

We bought ours out of a bucket on the internet Is it would take flowers and a guinea pig Those others Mandarin oranges Also, can I have some tops baseball That's pretty good. You should get stand up. That's just fun dip. Yeah. You got everything.

You got everything. You guys really got everything. I'll do a swirly straw. Yeah. And let me get five of the five dollar games. Just cabinet moral combat work. Yeah. Okay.

I'll throw a couple of quarters in. So she brings us home. She makes it this big lie that they had to go get the her shave, the guinea pig shaved and the vet fixed her. They seem like a dog like nipped off. The dog nipped her stuff so they got her shaved and then Harper's like, oh she's just so emotional that she's going with it.

My straight A third grader just falling for all this. It looks like a lot, it looks like a lot, it's like a lot, you're getting one of those guys. It's giant lie going on. And then so we go, well, they shaved the first. So, Abby goes like, you know, so the first know So the first never gonna come back if they said that and Ab and Harper's like okay, okay And then cut to later on Harper sees the poop the poop is completely different And it's obvious like gigantic and it's like so this is like wise the poop different and then Abga's like well

We gave her medicines to the po's different forever. Like everything's forever. Everything's forever. So we just got these. Hair won't grow back. Hair won't go back. I don't think Harper really likes it now, but it's like she's got to go with it. And you go Harper, by the way,

like don't make fun of people who can't grow their hair back. It's sort of a thing. It's sort of a thing. You get your dad slapped. Yeah, yeah. You're later watched the Oscars and said, this is what will happen. Is that, do not make fun of this.

You see that? You see that? No, you like your, you like your kidney pig, right? Now, her husband. Hey, getting big. Yeah. Not that good. Yeah, I didn't do.

Yeah. So, I mean, that's basically that just, but she's, I'm glad I'm kind of saying it now because I got to say it tonight and I haven't really told it in a long time. But it's, but it's just all this big lie. And so now it's so going on. But you said like Harper, she said Harper, Laura was something that Harper was just like so accepting of it and just like yeah, and just immediately with this new

Monster they have like I love it for yeah, yeah totally love it. You found oh, so that's the other part of the story So we did that's the part I didn't know In the joke This is all this is all cut. This is all cut. I heard this story. It bumped up your mask. You're a masculine man to me. But this bumped it up because I react.

This is for me as like a city kid growing up. Exactly where I, you get the icky's. I check out and I'm like I would probably just burn down the room. We, we fed it to Harbor. And this is your mistake. Marcus, we fed it to Harbor. And. This is your most favorite. Marcus, what the fuck kind of show is this?

This is what you do. This is what you do. You eat your, you eat your dead. Fucking white people. Yeah. So we, we ended up like one day we didn't find it for like three or four days. And then there's a smell in like Laura's office

and I'm sitting in the chair and Laura's office and I'm like, God, what is that? And I lift up the seat and it's in the couch that like the love chair that was sitting there. All form. Was it crazy looking? No, it looked just, it had deferred stuff. But it was like, it didn't look that bad.

But so Holly took her and I guess her then put her in hitter and put her in there But I mean the smell was so bad and so we ended up finer and then I mean I had to go I had to get it You know you throw it away. You never know what you like do you throw in trash can recycle is this recycling? It could be recycling trash can right outside trash can was Harper in the house when you found it Yes, you are Damn was Harper in the house when you found it Yeah, yes We whatever she wants you want to go rub bank Like just get her out of that you go jump you gotta hide a murder we gotta hide a murder from her

He was hey, you want to go trust nice throwing out back? You was once your knife throwing your Laura go find a tiny carpet We roll this body I threw it Little rug that they're rolling the body in. It's a little rug that they're rolling the body in. It's a rug that's going to go by a rug. It's a bath mat. It's a little bath mat. Lauren, they're carrying it out with a hand towel.

Oh, hey! Oh, hey, Arbor! You just missed it, Lauren. Yeah, and then so they, yeah, that was a lot of fun. So when you found it, did you leave the body there and go get Laura and you're like, I found it. Well, we were in the office together when we found it. And then so we were in,

Laura does the, yeah. You know the scare, but like, Why don't Laura, Laura is the same as me though. I, if I saw that one, I'd be like, oh my God, oh my God, I've touched it somehow. Like, I was sitting right next to it. You have the Elyse. So that chair will always be that thing to me. And then if God forbid, one

time ever of all the dead mice in New York, I've had that. It was probably five in my whole life in New York, which isn't terrible. It's also not great. In five times finding or collecting a dead mouse from a trap or something, one time ever I was just in, you know when you're like in an irate fight, me and Carl and my ex were fighting, and that was the one time I was, I just, for some reason, was cleaning angry, and I cleaned behind the stove,

I moved the stove out and there was a mouse there, and for some reason that one in my mind, she just went somewhere else, I just like scooped it in like the, you know, the dust pan, there on my, that's bullshit. Every other time, one of them, it was just from the poison. There was a mouse just dead in my kitchen.

Yeah. And I called Kurt Metzger to come over and pick it up. That's very funny. Because I was like, he's like, really, you can't? I'm like, I can't. I'm up on a chair in the table. He's like, I'm up on a chair in the kitchen. He goes, he goes, what I'm gonna come over and do

is just get like 10 paper towels. Yeah. So you don't even feel it and just kind of scoop it and I go, if you won't come over, I'll do that. But I'm telling you that I don't want to do it. And then when he did it, he even goes, he picked up and he goes, you see his name like touching it and I go, I still feel the heavy.

You just feel the weight of dead life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We threw it away with other stuff. Like a trash, like you, yeah, just so you don't feel, I don't, I don't want to carry just a bag, a bag of dead body. Yeah, it's like it's like surrounded McDonald's bags This Porter that worked at the restaurant at those communities. We had a lot of mice What's a porter like they clean overnight?

They like make sure everything's clean for the restaurant to open the next day and these guys didn't give a fuck and they would do the Sticky traps where the mice walk on it and then they try to walk off in their legs start getting ripped off and they're like And then you'd come into a mouse just being like and if please He would just pick the mice up by their tails and just go like real quick against the wall and then just into a trash like it was nothing I've seen people in New York chase a mouse with their foot like Do you play them burning that shoe off your foot afterwards? Now you're a dog owner. There was a whole vice story about up in the Bronx

and Brooklyn, they take terriers to go rat hunting in the city and they'll let them loose where there's like a bunch of rats and like the projects or whatever. And these dogs will just go and fucking find them and bite them and kill them and bring the rats back to the dude. That's still would have been a better life for sport than what's for. Living in a heroin hotel, I'm just having a little smash for the biggest thing that

me and Christine both ever for five straight minutes had jaws open staring at a person who the guy was unfazed by us staring. He was unfazed by everything going on. He was walking his dog and for always when we were in these village. So we're out on our front stoop. He's walking down Fist Tree. And it's over by one of the tree beds. You know, I mean, you just hear his dog small dog, not a big dog. Just dips over in that thing. You start hearing a car and he's hearing this crazy squeaky. And then the dog, the guy, by the way, I don't know if he's smoking a cigarette something. He just kind of of like here he goes again. He's got that he's looking at us like every day with this dog

And then the dog flicks his head and a dead like guts out rat Flying up in the air and lands down right near and then me and Christine are like And then the guy goes Oh my god, and then the guy goes, sorry goes, there's dog every day with this. And then in my mind, what do you think, I would have judged it, but judged it as like, that's not what he should have done, but that's what I would have done.

I was like, so he's gonna clearly just walk away from this, right? This guy pulls out like the dog shit bag. And you know, wraps it up, up his hand, and then picks up the rat with his hand, like with the bag over it, and then pulls the bag back down over it, but it doesn't, it's not big enough for a rat.

So he wants to get it on side, and just as his move, he pulls the bag over the rat mostly, and then wants to go up, so he flips it up, and you see the tail, he's going the guy's taking it. And he just, muscle back in, then ties the bag up, walks up, while he's walking towards us We're going like we're following with our eyes mouth over and then right in front

He just opens up our trash cans and he goes sorry and drops it ago He's walked I never said a word. I was like what was all of that He was so calm though he's like another dead rat on my arm, I guess. He's like, here we go. You guys think it shit about, like, it was jarring. It's throwing in no way. Throw in your trash, you guys.

You guys got to be cute. Hello? Oh, hi. Hi, I would have been a really sweet pet one day. And you. You guys start singing Bendio. Oh, God, all right. We had a rat problem when I first moved to Chicago,

when I started comedy, because it was like they just knocked out a building next to ours. And so it sends them all. It sends them all. And they could come in. I mean, we had a door and they would open the door and they could push it open.

And we had on, you hear them. Shurka, the rats are like, oh my God. What's going on in here? What's going on here? You guys are sleeping? What are you, can you? I would hear them under the bed.

Oh. And when I'm asleep, what are you at, tourist? Yeah. When I was asleep, I would hear it at night, and I could hear them under bed like talking. You felt like, and I would just lay there and just, I'd get another cup of his mourn, just like, please don't come in the bed.

I didn't know, and I was like 24, like, I'm like, please don't come in. I wouldn't have known either. Yeah. Oh, they're squeaking. They're like, one day when Laura came up to visit, she's getting ready in the bathroom. And at the time, I see it run into my roommates room.

And I mean, it's bigger than a squirrel. You know, it's a big thing. And I just shut my roommates room, and I just never told them. And then I just didn't mention to Laura because she would have been there. And then your roommate comes home and goes, you, a rat took my room.

Yeah, he sleeps down now. You go. It took my room. Hey, dude, whatever. Yeah, he's sitting next to one on the couch. She's like, yeah, well, you let that rat in there and he would, he slept on the bed. Did you take that rat's rent for the next three months?

Yeah, he paid me first and last and told me to get out. My third floor apartment, the one in Queens that we lived in, that was when nobody was home. If you went in the hallway bathroom, because that was a bathroom and a half, well, if you went in the hallway bathroom, I could leave the door of the bathroom open and my bedroom door open and it was a straight shot to look at TV

Yeah, so you like shit and watch TV Yeah, and I remember one time I was going to bed and I knew we had like a mouse issue happening I saw it a couple times and this was the TV was on everything and I'm Sitting there on the toilet mid-going. We're not anywhere near done yet And I see this mouse comes that it doesn't dart any comes out slow So it's crawling on croke clothes in the floor. I mean Having a ball and it's gonna miss you. Oh Didn't care

I mean it was just about a little hole in this. I mean, it was just- I'm about to buy a little hole in this. I think it almost like laid. It's like a cute thing too, right? Ah! You want to talk about it? Just screaming noises to try it.

It wouldn't go away until I got up and then it darts. A cute mouse thing. When I first lived in Hoboken Room over there, we lived above this Indian restaurant. It needs to keep out bags of rice out in the thing and we just had a mic. Like, it just created a mouse problem. And heavy drinking days,

it's like Monday night bringer shows barking. So I just get hammered on Mondays. And I woke up on Tuesday and you could smoke in the apartment. I was sleeping on the futon. And I woke up and I was like, lit up a cigarette, I was like a nice cold winter Tuesday. And I had these Adidas basketball shoes. And then just a mouse popped up

with his hands on the back of it. In the shoe. In the shoe and like look at me and I was like that is cute. Yeah. But I didn't get out of it real long ago all and I was like no no no no no no no. When it's when something gets away from you when you're trying to kill it too some party is happy it got away so you don't have to deal with it but you're also like I guess tomorrow is probably good. Well the dude went for Chicago. They came over and brought Traps and I mean these traps are they would hurt you

Yeah, and then it's a trap and you're like are in the sticky pads stuff You like well what's gonna happen if they get on there? It's like oh you just got to get it out and we had won the trap went down one the Electro what they do with the sticky ones they like eat their leg off. Yeah with the sticky ones They don't bleed out because like they. They like eat their leg off. Yeah, with the sticky ones, when they try to, they so, bleed out. Because like they try to like fight their way off so much,

they'll like you said, we're just like, like terminate or two, they're like, they're like, dude, those porters would kill those. We'd come back and it's a bunch of struggling, it's a bunch of drama kids

in like alcoholic comedians, and we're cleaning out the hutch, and they're like, and their legs are gone, and they're like, they get their skins coming off, like close behind them, they're like, and they're like, and they're like, and they're legs are gone, and they're like, they're like, they're like, their skin's coming off, like, clothes behind them. They're like,

just muscles coming out of her. My CPU is a neuro process. I had a pet mouse when I was little, that I knew spotty, and she was just a free kid. And when I had mice in my first department in Bushwick, when I was on Air mattress, and I couldn't,

I would trap them in cups and release them outside. I couldn't kill them, because they were tiny little cute mice. They weren't even like, there's such a big mice. The caromases, the caromases. They're ferment. I couldn't kill them.

We had this. They're under my air mask. Hey, we found a lady that's pretty cool, but she's into it. We got some little Torieamus over here. We got some lib tart lady letting us out. So let's go eat her food. We lived across the street from this field growing up.

It was like undeveloped in the middle of the suburbs and there was a bunch of field now in it and my cat would go over there and just keep bringing mice over. It's like a present to my mom and my mom would be like, please stop doing this. Cause you just show up in the cat, we're like, wow.

It'd just be a dead body. I'm a lot of Christmas. My mom would be like, Garfield, what are you doing? But my dad, I told Jay this recently, my dad lived with this alcoholic dude named, really, he was an alcoholic, but he lived with this dude named Jim. And Jim had this cat called T.C. Tough Cat.

It was just this fat tabby that was like feral and just looked outside and would kill muskrats and shit that were by the lake that were like this big. So one time I'm sleeping on my dad's couch And I just opened the door and I'm like, it's just like this rat beaver It's wrote to chewed out and I'm like, is somebody money And then Jim's like, oh, with a Winston in this out of his mouth. He's like, oh fucking tough cat Jim's like, oh, with a Winston in the side of his mouth, he's like, oh, fucking tough cat.

Just grabs the thing and picks it up. I was like, you like people move different. I don't tell you, when you have a pet though, it is funny to think. I mean, I've watched Christine, I have to love her, and I've watched her watch our dog eat its own shit and then make out with our dog. So I'm like, okay.

You got to stop her from meeting her own shit, you know, they're right. Now we stopped, but she still gets her lips on it. She was like slurping it up and I realized there is a dog at our dog park that I have never not judged because the first time is right by your dog's butthole. Yeah, soft serve style. Oscar is names Oscar.

And if you go to the Hoboken dog park, you know exactly this fucking main G-Mutt that I'm talking about, he looks like he's half dead and he's like brown and matted and he's like, yeah, his owner looks like a ghost. She wears like long, like she's an old lady that wears like long, like almost nighty looking things. Sure, like a sister wife.

Yeah, she's like, oh, it's gonna know. Any dog that shit, he just walks up and he's like, oh, one time Katie. Thank you, man, have another. One time Katie was at the dog park and I was on the road and Murdo was playing with Oscar and she was like hey Murdo We don't play with him. Yeah, just pull the Fucking Hot dog once like you don't see the difference

Any of this but dude Oscars just like this second a hot ones out. He's like what's this? The dogs like potato I used to walk I don't remember that when I was a dog see Peter right yeah, yeah really for Peter What's this? What's this? The dogs like potato, loaf of shit. So you think they're like, I used to walk, I don't remember that one. I was a dog's feeder, right? Yeah, yeah. Really? I had four Veter.

You got Veter into the game? I, Veter would not say that, but I told, I'm the reason Veter has his business. Do you remember when Veter was walking the girl who fucked Tiger Woods' dog? Yes, yes. Rachel, who could tell? As it broke.

As it broke. Gary's like, oh, I know her. I know Gary Pop brought pop rots who would be everywhere and he just there's pictures of That dog here's a dog yeah, I want it like fighting time as if you didn't need any more reasons to not miss New York When we were on in these village, too. That was another fucking wacky day when we were Outside no I came outside and all of a sudden, I came outside actually like smoke a cigarette

and I was like, hmm, some of you see roaches just on the street and stuff and you wouldn't think much of it. But in one time sitting out there on my step for a cigarette, I saw like six roaches, which is a lot. That's a lot. So a lot and I was like, what is this?

That's so weird. Then I went inside, half hour later, whatever I went back outside, it was like a different world. Like people were all out of their house to go, what is this? The streets were, you couldn't take a step without having like step over dead or living road all over the place. Our Russian.

Bob, Bob, our Ukrainian. Shout out to Bob going through a lot Team were flying the blue Donate money to Bob Bob comes out of the butter. He's like, I don't know what's going on There must be sale at roach store I'm telling everywhere he goes I got to figure something out and he was like looking is are they in the during the trash can and he opens up our trash can lid And then he took I mean I couldn't even guess from where two roaches just land on his thing is like

No one knew what to do like and we found out later. They were like yeah, they bombed a Building they're gonna like debt more gut and redo. Yeah, so they bombed the book So they all the roaches went into like the underground That's what I hopped back up through the sewers and it was just there was at one point on our street when they were dead all of them All the ones that didn't get away. I'd say there was 4,000 Dead roads on our street just all Water bugs. Yeah, it was so but him just go to go even because he's like the our tough guy You know, I mean you're almost like if there's a dead rat in my place

I'm like hey Bob you can pick this up with your bare hands and get it out of here You go threat of Putin is hold on He's been waiting for this to pop off those things lame those neck. He's like Do vecky own when we're vecky on and I live together There is not even near and all There was not even near and all day. They came out of the sky. If it's down to street, it's up here on your outdoors. What did it have to do with that?

There's just a guy with an old fling shot sending them. Watch this. When I lived with Vecchion, he went through a bad breakup. This is like seven years ago. Went through a really bad breakup. We both did it at the same time. That's my favorite breakup though. And we were, yeah, I do.

You're just great. But both of us went through a breakup and he was really sad. And they demolished a building on our street. So the same thing happens. Roaches go everywhere. And they were crawling through our bathtub. They're like every night you would have like five

in the bathtub and you just have to run the sink. And Anthony, our landlord that never fixed anything in our place. I called him like there's a lot of roaches and he's like yeah, they small a big and what they're really big and he goes, that's not a problem. They're just water. He goes day goes day, day finding a home.

Small ones, that's when you call me. Big ones don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I don't want to live with them. He goes, don't worry about it. But Vecch to live with them. He goes, don't worry about it. But Vecchiano was like, Vecchiano, you know how Vecchiano like psychs himself out and he's like, I saw a roach and I was like, yeah, you know, I think I built and got destroyed or whatever he goes.

We see another one. We got a bomb in this place. We got a, and I didn't want to bomb our apartment. So there was like five in the bathtub one then. You're hiding from him? Yeah. You're going to kick him back. Guys, get down the drain. I don't want the drain. I just want to rinse him down.

And then I come out and veck him and go, what was going on? I'm flash dancing in here. To a quick shower. I had to rinse off. My hair was dry. I was like, I had to rinse off real quick. No, I just did a body wash. Nothing crazy. Veck Young has bug issues though.

Yeah, I mean, he's got PTSD. Yeah, what is bed bugs? I do we had bed bugs to it was it Dude, New York is so gross for that kind of ship particularly I didn't know until I know the one mouse we had in these village place that was another one where I was going to the bathroom and I heard like that Like going outside the bathroom door and then the war again it popped its head under the door I just looked in there.

And I went, whoa, whoa. And it wasn't even scared of me then. It was like, looks around. I was like, man, not in here. And it's just, burr. Is it in your bedroom? It makes sense. It was in a two-one-out.

Or is it like burr? It was in the fourth one out of it. In one night, in one night, we heard the bag of pretzels on top of our fridge. It's closed. We heard it rustling around. And like you go look in the kitchen and you see a bag doing like this by itself. No.

No. Okay. Well, it's in there. It's been the wind. So we go over there. You can use something to explain the house is satellite. No, we knew. I go over there and like I have like a big bowl.

Like a big salad bowl or something like the salad mixing bowl and I go over and you try to do that thing you go. And I get through with that and it doesn't go on here. You see it goes back behind the thing if I go well it's definitely gone for you right now that we've talked about. Now it is that now it does that again. Next time we go out there it's gone but now we see it's bore a hole into the pretzels bag.

It wants those pretzels. So let me throw the pretzels out and the cam with the lid on it. Then we go back to bed and I'm trying. Christine's able to go back and sleep somehow. I'm sitting up like this. I'm, I'm, I'm a wide awake and not, I go, I can't sleep like this. And I start hearing things and I go to Christine.

I go, Christine, it's in the room. She's like, what do you mean? I go, it's in the room. I hear rustling, she's like, I think it's in the garbage in here. And she's like, but it's not a food garbage can. It's like paper garbage. So I go, I think it's in here. And then we go in there and we look at the trash.

You see like, you know, envelopes moving in the trash. I go, I go get me something big to cover the trash can with and we know at least in the trash can we'll get outside. She goes, okay, she comes over with a cutting board that's not big enough for the top thing but I was I don't I don't even measure what you think I just go I go turn on the light turn to the light I go I jump down the the mouse runs right past the thing up the side of the and jumps it's it's it's it's it's it almost like like like grabs the end to it's like skateboarding I like like, I screamed so and it landed on the ground and we're like, it just runs in the nuts and then just goes off again.

We never caught that one. We like put stuff up and they never came back. When you see the ghost movement of mice, we had one in our Queens in the trash can where I was going piss. So I just went to the bathroom and as I was walking by the trash can where I was going piss. So I just went to the bathroom and as I was walking by the trash can, I heard it move and I'm like, trash cans don't move.

And then I came back out and I was like, this trash can's moving and I like, kicked it, it was one of the big long, it's like the kitchen one that you step on and throw something in. So I kicked it and it like moved and then I heard something and I was like, ooh, and Vicki owns that town and I was like, ooh, and Vicki goes out to town and I was like, ooh, no, and I had to go outside and

just open it. We're on the first floor on a main street and I just kicked my trash over. So all this trash is gone. You don't think about the repercussions of the brawn. And I just dumped it out with a broom like bang the side of it and was like, please be gone. And I looked and there was a whole chewed through the bottom corner of the trash can I'm so excited stuff you'll my house if the Christine was gone for a day and I was like There was some kind of vermin or something in the house doing that. There's a good chance you can come home

And I've lost it and there's like you'll see like 800 holes in the wall with pipes and I go I'm still looking for it. Yeah, it's in there though I'm starting to follow these pipes Jay we can't live like this you know war but that later. Yeah right now we got to get this thing It's the mindset of like a serial like a serial killer like someone where they are some of that kills someone Where they just want to go get rid of the bot like they don't think of the it's almost it's basically you that's It's a crime of passion same mindset. You just don't do it to people. Yeah, like that's the same feeling. I'm gonna get I don't care. It's like you just get rid of it throw it away. So I real estate porn in a in New York when I look at this yellow stuff in New York for apartments and usually outside. I put like outside space like

We're kind of outside space. I tell you I would never in New York City if I was going to do outside., it's always going to be elevated like above. Anytime I see the go outside space and I look, I go, wow, what a back area. But really, it's spatially a good back area, but it's still like walls that like should have graffiti on them. You know what I mean? And it's that and I go, all this back area is going to be the first time I go down there at night. And I'm like, yeah, let's go out back and hang out

and you see like a rat fight happening. You're like, well, this is my backyard. I'm like, I don't want this. Oh, I'll break it up Break it up. Hold I got company. Yeah, that's Timmy and Charlie guys guys guys friends here You've been listening to Sirius XM's bonfire New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows, always on SiriusXM.