The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Regulars (w/ Shane Gillis, Bobby Kelly, Luis J. Gomez & Joe List)

Episode Date: July 9, 2018

This episode starts out with DJ Lou, Dan, Jacob and Guest Host Shane Gillis talking about the time in their young lives that they fell in love with strippers followed by Big Jay talking about the time that Kevin Hart set him straight about a girl. Then the great Bobby Kelly guest hosts with Dan Soder while Big Jay calls in from Las Vegas with a phone that has a built in lie detector. Finally, Luis J Gomez tells Dan, Bobby Kelly, and Joe List about his MMA fight training.SUBSCRIBE NOW for the best of The Bonfire w/ Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder and listen every Monday thru Thursday at 6pm Eastern/3pm Pacific on Comedy Central Radio, SiriusXM, channel 95!

Hey, I'm Big J.O. Persoon and I'm Dan Soder and you're listening to the best of the bonfire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the bonfire live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8pm on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM 95 or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the bonfire, SXM. Witsky, have you ever been in a strip club and met a stripper that you throw it all away for? That's the only way I go there. Yeah, who's the last one that did it for you? I haven't been in such a long time, but the Bata Bings, you know, from Sopranos.

Yeah. It's really called Satin Dolls, and I had a drive pass there every day on the way out from school, and I never drove past them. I just pulled in, and I thought they were in love with me every day. You, oh really? You were that guy that, like, you were like, no, they mean it. They really talked to me. I had just turned 22, and I didn't understand the whole premise of and love with me every time. You are really? You were that guy that like you were like, no, they mean it. They really talked to me. I had just turned 22 and I didn't understand the whole premise of they're just there for your money. I'm like, dude, I'm really getting to know them.

Oh, man, and they just want to talk. And then, because I went there, I was in that hole. You were? How long did you fall in the stripper? It loves me whole. Oh, wow. This is when I was selling cars. The sale of Honda's dude did right out of college.

I had some money. Just push it, huh? Ooh. But then this lady, this stripper was like, one day I was there, I would just go get fucked up and she was like, can you give me 20 bucks? Just like, as a front, like literally she was like, can I borrow 20 bucks from you?

And then it like it all hit at once. I was like, oh. No, you're disgusting. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, once. I was like, oh, no, you're disgusting. Wait, you go there and eat wings. So this food there. So at that point, hold on real quick, though, because you're saying that when she asked for the 20 bucks, that blew the allure that there was, there was something going on. So before that, you were like, oh, me and the scroller in love. Things are going well. Yeah, she's great. I go eat wings. I watch her do her dances.

I'm like, you did good that time. I'll be here for you. I'll be here so long that I'll see you hit the stage again. Really? I'm talking about it later. I'm gonna watch football. Dude, we go on Sundays. Would you get excited when she get done?

Because you knew you were gonna talk to her? Yeah, we have a little chat. I'd see her with somebody else and be like, I'll fucking kill myself. I'll kill everyone in here. I love you so much. I love you. Bitch, look what you made me do.

Dude, I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Bitch. Look what you made me do. I love you. My old, please. Another dozen wings. It was right. And the love of my life crushing my heart. But yeah, it was probably actually a moment of her actually being friendly. Yeah. That was really breaking the fourth wall and being like, Yo, can I get 20 bucks? Yeah.

And then it all hit. I was like, oh. I could totally see DJ Lou just dating a stripper. Yeah. Did you ever make that perfect sense? Did you ever think that was going to happen in Witsky? Yeah. And actually, they were on the sopranos because they filmed inside set in Dahl.

So I would get to see them on Sunday and talk about their episode, look at their lives. Oh, God, Lou. I love you so much. Did you ever bang one or touch one? No, never got that far. Never got that far. I didn't even understand. I just thought that was, it would eventually get there. There was this girl in my

apartment complex when I lived in Tucson and she was, I met her when I was going to get the mail and I was like, who the fuck is this smoking hawker roll? And she's, her name is Erica. And she was like, I just moved in and I was like, oh cool. And it was one of those things where it was the perfect stripper lie because it's like an onion. You keep peeling it back and you're like, oh, this is worse and worse. Cause at first she's like, I work at TDs. And there's two TDs, strip clubs and Tucson,

TDs East and TDs West. And so I was like, oh cool, what do you do there? She's like, I'm just a cocktail waitress. I'm just a cocktail waitress. And I was like, oh cool. But by the way, I'm young and naive. I was right along with you guys. So it's like, yeah, I mean, it's probably good money.

And it's like, you don't have to take your clothes off. You're beautiful enough you don't have to take your clothes off. And she's like, thanks. And then the whole story was, I broke up with my boyfriend and he lives in Tucson and I moved here for him. So I just moved in this apartment. And I was like, oh yeah. And then we had a banging.

And then she's like, I'm still with my boyfriend. And I was like, what the fuck? What the fuck? And then I was on my patio, smoking a cigarette one night, and the limo from the strip club pulled into the parking lot of the apartment complex. She gets out of the limo.

There's these dudes drinking, playing beer pong on their patio, and they go, hey, and you see her go hey and then she just goes into the party and I was like and that was the final one where I was like oh man I'm oh and she sucked this fat hippies dick that was under this fucking this fat hippie here this fat hippie name hunt this fat hippie name hunt we were smoking weed playing fucking PlayStation and I go you know Erica and he goes Yeah, did she came over last night and suck my dick and I was like I don't even care

I wear also she's a slut like that. Yeah, I think so. I'm all Yeah, she's a piece of shit You know, I did it hurt so bad when he said that I go don't you have a girlfriend? I mean, I remember going to strip clubs and seeing dudes bring flowers for girls. Yeah, like legit like I love I remember going one time on an afternoon shift because my buddy and I were like half drunk And we're like you want to go to fucking TDs and we're just getting hammered and then some dude came in It was like high and and the stripper was like It was like high and and the stripper was like

Furious, yeah, and you're like oh this bitch has him Just like oh so what's going on So you're on the soprano's last night. That was pretty cool So did you ever ring flowers so beautiful Oh Exactly what happens you see that walk in I get like oh fuck they called you Lou like they like the old Cheers show when Norm would walk into the bar would they walk in they go Really, yeah, that's so fucking great. How often how many times a week did you go? I'd say four times a week jeez Did you get to pick up man? That's a lot No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no girl shows anything you're like I'm a fucker. I still have that. If a girl talks to me I'm like she's I'm gonna fucker.

I love you so much I'll kill myself. What do you do to me so much bitch I love you bitch. Look what you did you bitch. Look what you did I love you so much. I love you so much. Did you do I went in because I didn't have the problem Lou had I think I went like maybe four times total but when I went in I went in like thinking I'm gonna be I'm very mature. This is my cap Yeah, I got a hundred bucks as soon as the hundred was done

I went I went to the ATM at in the strip club and true money on my credit card Did you got hit with that fucking nine dollar? I don't was crazed I'm just blood in the water. Oh, Chummin you up. Check out the shark with that. Dude, your eyes rolled back. Black is nice. Black is nice.

I didn't recognize myself. Dude, I love it. I love it. I love the insatiable hunger for flesh. When I first used to come to New York before a car, I used to drive up and there was a girl. She was a... Have I told the sun to the York before a car at all. I used to drive up and there was a girl. She was a, have I told the sun the air before?

Kevin Hart, when Kevin Hart started proving me she's a whore. No. This is so great. So this girl, she would come to the Boston Comedy Club. Yeah. I remember, she was chubby chick, big titties. Love it.

Pretty face. Great. Like cute. Definitely wasn't like a bad thing at all. She like a and she hung out like at that Kind of the collective of like not so much the Boston comedy club the bag of groove Cafe wall at the music places. She got dancers You gotta gotta gotta yeah, yeah, feedery dancers sort of thing But a while chicken she came out and like

She would say the weirdest thing. I don't know what I just didn't want to believe I always want to believe if a girl was like whipping it at me like moments after meeting me, then I'm like, it was something about me. Dude, I don't have that like, just to do this to everybody. But the reason I say that is because I was conditioned, dude, I like this girl in middle school

and everyone was like, she's a slut, you know, you're like that and then she really liked me and my butt just will never forget my buddy going. If it was that easy for you, it was definitely easier for somebody else. And I was like, yeah, he likes. And that just fucking at 14 sets of pace where you're like, well, I guess I'm a fucking loser.

Cause I was like my girlfriend in eighth and ninth grade. And she like cheated on me and my friend was like Yeah, of course she was a slut. Dude. He was like easy for you and you're like Yeah, you're real charming and those as we've known in previous episodes I told you I would do female bartenders Hot female bartender, you know, that's like my fucking hang up. So of course I play right into girls like that all clues I should have known this girl was a girl She goes she goes you you're not gonna believe it like what I eventually suck your dick And I'm like really she goes they used to call me the headmaster back in the school or something like that

I was like and I was like food. I bet it's gonna be a good blow. I wasn't really dawning I was I was so fat kid that was like excited that this girl just was like that was probably the most aggressively a girl's like We're fucking they call me pledge I polish knobs. I was thinking that cuz there was like this I was in midtown and there's like this beautiful blonde girl like this model walking and I was like I'm not into that I'm in the girl. It's like thick. That's like a reformed bowling alley waitress That's what I want just some girl that's like yeah, all right You feel you want to watch some TV then I'll just give you a fucking wild blow job You're so pretty and you're like yeah, yeah

Yeah, I just need a girl like named Vicki who's just like yeah, oh yeah, Vicki's a good one Yeah, Vicki's like you want me to face she goes want me to jerk you off on my tits and you're like you are great Is that what a girl that's like I don't know? Baby do you want to meet me kiss? And you got, tt tt tt tt tt tt. She's hanging out in one day, Kev, just goes, he goes,

I'm talking about her and some, probably I'm probably putting too much like heart. You're telling, she's got good stories. Yeah, I'm definitely doing that. You're doing the thing where you go. I mean, dude, I mean, I'm just fucking or whatever, but man, she had me laughing the other day. She, yeah, dude.

So you were talking about her in a very nice way. Yeah, and he goes, he just like a whore check bed, like show fuck, whoever. And I was like, Did he say it casually or like? Pretty casually. It was actually a pretty dick move what he did, but like, it is like, it's a funny story in hindsight.

Yeah. He's like, yeah dude, she's like, I'm telling you. So me and him were, it was my Saturn I had. We're gonna grab her from somewhere in the city and she's coming to a show. The Dick Sucking Competition. Yeah, yeah. She goes out with a number on.

I got a belly full. Hi. It's a cool thing. Jal hurts for nothing. Fourth place, not even a certificate. She's bullshit, not even on the podium. And I took three in the choppers. Yes.

And people were laying heavy for me to at least place. I mean, I didn't make the last guy pop in my suitcase even just to show up to the finals. At some point I was given so much hand in jaw. It's gotta be partly this guy's problem. I look like a hyena eating a carcass. I don't know if this guy's spine got severed but he was not hard enough for nothing.

Yeah, I was sucking on a tuba cookie dough. You know what, this is what it was frosting bags. You know what, it's like back john some cake frosting. You worry it's gonna clog your throat and not come out. Yeah, and then it does and you go, it's sweet as fuck on the back of my tongue. So he goes, yeah, and so we're driving, he's we're driving together.

And I was just gonna just have her hop in the back seat. Yeah. Me and Kevin were in the front, she was gonna go to the show. She was like my girlfriend or anything, you know, but I was like, I will grab you come to the show. I'll get my dick sucked or whatever afterwards. And we pull up to her and she gets in the back

and Kevin just gets out of the front seat and gets in the back. Now I'm driving Miss the front seat and gets in the back now I'm driving this day's Yeah, it's a very weird. Yeah, Kevin just goes so Jade tells me that That you suck like really good dick that used to call you the headmaster in school and she goes She goes oh, yeah, they tell like she wasn't like shaking my like I would never say that to somebody even if I felt really confident I'd be like in that scenario But like no, but he just he he saw who she was, I guess, like right through, and he goes,

so I heard you, they call you to him, I said you suck really, Jago's J said, you suck really great things, she goes, yeah, I am pretty good about it, he goes, and you see his like, shoulders, he gives like, give like five foot two with his big massive dick, and you see your shoulder just go like,

yeah, he goes, show me, and then she just takes out her gun and fucking, and I see her head disappear. And I'm driving around just like, and all this going through your head is like the 20 minutes ago and I was going, like, Kev, you're wrong about her. She likes me.

Yeah, you know what I'm saying? This breaks my heart, this makes me sad to hear this story. Because I have been in that situation where the girl whores out with your more attractive, more confident friend and you're there like, I'm meter of laugh harder than you think. Oh, and then she's still there to go.

I know, but there's also, and you also fall back when that girl still hears what's funny back. I'm saying she did that. So just nonchalant. By the way, gum out of the mouth on the side of the car Yeah, hilarious touch. Oh, yeah, she's gonna go on Jay put your hand out Was even for the go but she just like spits in my hand and put the cigarette out All right, thanks she goes I'm gonna suck this guy's dick. I'm gonna I'm gonna give him such an inspiring blowjob

He's gonna become a hundred millionaire. He's like, I can do anything! I can't accomplish anything! So here's the funny part. So we pull up to the place we're going to. I don't know where that was. That's a weird parking job. Yeah, Kev gets out.

And then all I remember was this motion was so weird. So she gets out of the car. So she gets out of the back seat. Yeah, driver side of driver side. Yeah. He was also back seat driver. That's where he was sitting, but he like got out. So she slid over to get out because it was, you know, the curbside.

And I get out. And when I got out of the car, she, I just remember, always remember this motion. It was like she was holding the open door and like swung her body around, like swung around, like writing to me and just sort of like trying to like make out just like some kebs dick. And I'm not even like a, I swear to you, I don't know, for some reason I'm not like really like uptight about shit. Like they don't even have like that. Like if I was fucking a girl with a buddy in my life ever, like, and like the girl was blowing the guy, and then I, like moments, you know,

a minute later was fucking her, and she went, I don't over look at this, like, let's look at this dick, I don't really, I don't really subscribe to that so much. But it was just happened. And it's also like, I don't know if he came or anything, and also like you just blew my friend, you been hanging out with me for like three weeks,

or whatever, you just blew my friend. I was in her in fairness to her. I assumed she thought I was like, must have said that you'll suck your dick, because I didn't go like, what do you guys do? I was just like, okay, I just got like, it highs, it was probably a pretty like, it was kind of like alpha me and like be a fucking dick, I guess. Yeah, for sure. If I was friends with Kevin, I to be like, what the fuck?

I mean, you could have proven that she was a whore and I get where you're trying to do to prove that she was like, that was like a friend trying to prove something in argument but it also like, that hurt. Like that fucking stung you asshole. It was sort of inconsequential the other day. But anyway, she kissed me and I was like, what do what do you do? Come on, what do you do? I was last time we ever like, ever hooked up. Big J. Overson on the phone from Las Vegas.

Hi, buddy. Hey, Bobby. Hey, buddy, how are you? I'm doing well. Is it weird being in that studio? If you're sure, what's these man hands all over you? It's, uh, it's actually it was a actually, it was a little sad when I sat here and you weren't here. The comfort that I felt last time I was in the studio, was your hands on me.

It was like he walked into a strip club and it got turned into a McDonald's. Yeah. And he was like, uh, well, actually, I'd be just as happy. It was, maybe it was the same thing like if I walked into it, it was a juice place. Yeah, you go, oh, kale, kale only.

I was getting my butt suck it's six months ago. Oh I love that you reached in on my inner thigh. Yeah did you got your leg going? I felt this fingernail got hotter. I'll tell you who should be who we should fun just to move out here and that would be a one Jacob the Todd. It is a nice crisp 105 outside. Can I tell you something right now? Humanidity but hole a thousand times worse than, because all you get is scalp sweating and you get a lot of armpit sweating in the dry heat. You don't get butt sweat like you do on the East Coast.

You don't get butt sweat. Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah, the East Coast is wintertime, you gotta go in. I go with a lot of bathrooms at Comedy on some ticket courtesy ass crack sweat. Yeah, I used to do, when I worked at the restaurant I used

to do cornstarch in my butt crack well I can't do that because it was just I was chafing muffins would fall out of my legs maybe it's a smaller but then I had my whole life yeah me I figured it would be like it was like cake in there like some kind of like like Me and J have Dutch ovens. Yeah, but you guys there's a I read the side of the cornstarch and there was a weight maximum for using it on your But they said no one over to 15 We're starts at my boys. It turns into an anti-ans press. Oh You got guys bad news. It was hot and sweaty good news good news is some delicious baked goods in my butt right now i just should out of bag at yeah

uh... with the with even better is after i put the cornstarch in my butt crack i do the lebron james i did it every fucking morning i always do it i mean obviously it's originally the kevin garnet but you know lebron that what a great that you're gonna be that's great that you're gonna be great that they just don't like that no no they this is a very specific go get drunken lose money town fat me white uh... white sock running shoe combo

uh... i'll say what now i have any any street uh... uh... uh... uh... when you lie your phone tells us yeah dude do I swear to God you go I have an a thing very wrong from from from go Jay Jay your phone has a fact detector right I never even once had rune service or a little last night. I was only about a clock in the morning.

Guys are using it. Easy to organic. I only had a smoothie or a drug or a drug. It's only been fruit natural sugars. I had a couple of... Holy complex carcass. Oh, I agree. Meanwhile, Jay's at the crispy cream in the Excalibur right now

Yeah, that's a bummer You guys let me put your whole first second. I saw the sign outside that they were hot off the oven Yeah, well, Jake you go back to your healthy diet wink Guys you let me go. I'm gonna go downstairs and go to poop I'm gonna go downstairs and get a protein. Look who does side-to-side. Now it's complete. Now it's complete. The regular takeover of the bonfire is finally complete.

We got the dude. We got the real ass dude. And we have the on-time dude, Joe Liss. That's my new nickname. The on time dude. Lewis J Gomez, the Puerto Rican rattlesnake, let's just start it. What happened to your eye? Put on your headphone so you know it's wrong.

Your eye. What happened? What happened? Yo, doggy. Sometimes you gotta take a lump. Sometimes you gotta take a lump. You gotta take a lump when you're training. Now, you guys know he's fighting at Ellis Mania, right?

Yes. Joe Liss, did you know that? I knew he was fighting. I didn't know what Ellis Mania was. We know he was gonna fight up. Jason Ellis does Ellis Mania every year and this year it's gonna be Lewis J. Gomez versus Ryan O'Neill from the O'Neill and Dutch podcast, what's it called? Yeah, we'll call it that, the O'Neill and Dutch podcast. Alright, you act like I know, but I don't, I'm actually J.

So guys, I'm still working on my cardio. The rest of the show is gonna be Lewis trying to catch his breath. He's the ultimate warrior, he runs to the ring and then he's just cast. We should've done that. It's gonna be Lewis trying to catch his breath. He's the ultimate warrior He runs to the ring and then it's just gas It's gonna be Bob trying to catch his breath. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. You got it together much quicker than he did I have my breath together. You did you're on a legal opera star. I don't run a hustle. Yeah, what happened to your face? Yeah, I've been dreaming dude. Doon sparring you got also that's from sparring. Yeah, when did it happen today? Yeah? Who hit you? Yeah, an Asian guy. Oh Just an Asian were you fighting Chinatown? No, we you have to switch up

Sparring partners really and they say it Asian guy they go that's a good round Here comes an Asian guy The black guy and the Spanish guy Different styles You've done well with capillaries, but do you know Gong Fu? I'm just getting into the sparring part of it. Dude, it is a whole different world being punched in the face of a bunch. Well, I mean, I kind of don't want you to be comfortable with that. No, I don't want that. I want Joe to be comfortable with that.

I like that that's a reveal. Guys, I gotta tell you, getting punched in the face, it's a lot different than not getting punched in the face. Whether we're practicing defense and they have a switch up like partners, I'm not gonna get punched in the face. I'm not gonna get punched in the face It's a lot different than I can punch the face where they were practicing defense and they have a switch up like Partners and like you know you'll be with the chick woman and you they're like oh I'm also I'm into the idea now of mixing it up a little bit more mixed martial arts mix Joe the true. Yeah, up in his tower

Mixed one so I don't know know you walked around at 225. I walk around, yeah, I fluctuate. But you're right now here at 225. My party was 260. Yeah, those things. He had a fucking nine pieces of cake at my party. Dude, the best was I remember years ago when Louis got fucking shreds of as he would call it. He went to Puerto Rico at an all-inclusive resort. It's straight up came back fat

Like I've never seen someone leave Super power is he skinny and fat in a week. It's like he pulled a cord Back up I was like what the fuck he left like so just diesel It was all inclusive bro. And then the rules are I will I'm gonna win the fight. There's not gonna do that. Can Ellis Mania turn it into a thunder dome like situation? Yeah. Are you nervous?

No. About losing or being injured? No. This guy has, so this guy has, we're trying to look up Ryan O'Neill, the comedian that Lewis Lewis, Lewis Jay Gomez will be fighting at Ellis Mania. It's an act of him the 40s. I want to see him fight.

I'm Ryan O'Neill. I'm the, it's of some old man. Yeah, he goes, I kissed Judy God I'm gonna fucking break your neck old Hey old Yeller. I'm gonna put you down. I'm gonna fuck you daughter Tatum. Yeah, Tatum. There he is Yeah, Ryan or me. No, I said no. I said, I'm Anthony Gaini. That was the guy that was married to a fucking fair faucet. Yeah. Because I'm going to rip through you faster than cancer did her.

You know, he's trying to hurt me. I said to do the win, and he had to fight him in the sun. Yeah. He's skin cancer. He's a young man. I'm just trying to get some fruit. Hey, it's Big J. Algrison. And I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire.

You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 p.m. Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at SexM. you