The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - The Tragedy of the Friend Zone (w/ Rude Jude, Baron Vaughn & Open Mic Eagle)

Episode Date: April 22, 2019

Rude Jude from "The All Out Show" on Sirius XM's Shade 45 joins The Bonfire. Baron Vaughn and Open Mike Eagle come in and tell us about their new show on Comedy Central, "The New Negroes." Dan & Jay have fun with "Pimp My Ride" and discuss the tragedy of the friend zone.

You're listening to Comedy Central. Hi, this is Jacob and the bonfire kicked off the week, welcoming Rude Jude back to the studio. The guys got into a discussion about bad sexual technique, how porn teaches you the wrong way to do things, and learning the hard way how to get better in bed. Christine, I mean we're talking the other day, I just about, she said she's blown away by how many guys,

because I think I would describe my fucking is like Good effort. I like to put a good effort in yeah, I like to put on the show. I think I'm a pleaser However, I don't think I do anything uniquely fantastic Yeah, and she said it's not even anything uniquely fantastic as much as most guys just fuck bad We learn from fucking porn and they're just pounding shit out. Like they just come out the gates.

Like, oh man, I remember the first girl I ate out. She straight up, she stiff, she'd heismen me. She's fucking just push my head off. Like, hit the fuck. You're on a highlight reel somewhere. I've heard this fucking. That day, Jude learned that certain mouths don't work well with certain buses She was a powerful back standing at five foot nine a hundred and forty five pounds

When you meet in the hole well, there's always a winner and a loser White white with the flight of black, Jared, you learned that certain mouth techniques on a pussy don't go over well. What were you, how are you eating her? Then my, then a family member and a fucker. Really? Yeah, like a day later and a half.

That'll loosen her up. I wasn't even mad either. I was like well played You know, I mean like shit I think you guys are golfing and he's like watch the way you shot and was like I'm like to change this up a little bit It was even worse than that. I had her I was gonna hold it at this other one But my boy wanted her he was like me and a bitch about it. I was like fine. Fuck it. I'll holler at this one Yeah, and I ruined her vagina and then someone else. How did you fuck? What was the wrong with the technique?

I just, I went down and was like, RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Through shit to get it porn so what you jerked off to most of the time was like soft core stuff more sensual shit because you kind of like had to like where they Panemac is just pounding yeah, but before they do you see one tricep A lot of yeah, yeah, it's like there's always a humidifier on in the room Yeah, it's like there's always a humidifier on in the room. I'm like, oh. But there's everything that's much more like, you'd think about like, you're doing a thing with rhythmic verses, just like exactly like a fucking...

Ow, ow, ow, ow. And it's how guys fuck now. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. This is like real women are like, fuck dude, stop. Stop. What are you doing?

Stop. I had a guy one time the way he came in and touched my, like he came in on my boobs, like, just like, ugh, like full of it. I had to like, I didn't know what to do besides like, I like smacked him off of me, like a guy grabbing your, any of the guy that I was like going to sleep with, but I had to send him, I was like, I can't fuck you.

Like, the way he touched my hands, I was like, there's no way I can let his hands touch my, anything else. How many women say that adult men still finger them like, yeah, pointing at the yellow and at like, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, you're battling wrapping against it. I told you, oh, but I know something you don't know. You're a squirter.

Yeah, you got to, you got to do the give me the money Yeah, I always Brother hand, but I mean I learned that pretty young I do it. I it made more sense from the get go I just remember this older kid from college called it the million dollar man We just go I want that money you go you put your finger on the Clinton inside and you try to rub it like you want money inside and you try to rub it like you want money. I'm gonna need my name, my name, my name, my name. Girls are like, hold it, hold it. Yeah, it's like you're gonna go.

I remember the first time I wanted to go like finger-chick because I didn't have pubic hair yet and I touched her and I was like, ugh, like those mad horse, you shit fucked me up. Oh, damn, this course is out. It fucked Batman forever. Yeah, my girlfriend I grew up in eighth grade. There was no nudity in that. I went up this is how unslic I was it

I went up her leg not down So I went through her shorts. It was in the summer So I went through the pant leg and I was like fucking fighting and I touched pubic hair and I was like I was like this big league so. And I was, I just turned 14. And then a month later I found out that she got fingered by two other dudes just throughout the summer. That were great.

And I was like, I felt like a biggest idiot because of the side move. More than them fingering my girlfriend and her cheating on me. I felt like an idiot that they didn't. I know, it was your girlfriend at the time. She had cheated on me with these like, and then they were both way better at football than me my freshman year

So I just came in and I was like hey you guys Girlfriend and now you're gonna beat the shit out of me in Oklahoma. Oh, this is awesome On Tuesday show Jay and Dan welcome Baron Vaughan and open Mike Eagle to the studio to discuss their new comedy central show the new Negros this opened up a whole conversation about the evolution of comedy clubs since they got started and stand up. Enjoy. I wanted to say that we were talking

before you guys came in here and like, you know, a raging New Jersey racist like DJ Liu over here, assumed that he's not, he's not in a state. He grossed it. I'm sorry. No, he's ignorant me actually that's thought this. I thought it was a term in some weird didn't even think Overly of it was like oh is that mean like kind of like black comics, but not like def jam quote-unquote comedy and then

And then I thought to myself I went I if that's the cave if I thought maybe that's what it was I wonder if there's like the def jam, you know comic view comics who were kind of like book that show I wonder if there's like negativity I mean have you got anybody that didn't because here's what will happen immediately too whoever doesn't get booked Jeff Jam, comic view comics who were kind of like, fuck that shit, I wonder if there's like negativity from it. Have you got anybody that didn't, cause here's what all happened immediately too. Whoever doesn't get booked, who you know it all even too,

is gonna be like, oh, I got fucking, oh, I get some too raw. Too bad. I got two from the streets, too bad pop for it. That idea keeps me up at night. That idea of special comedians that I love that I could not book, especially comedians that I wanted to book

that I could not book or just were unavailable or there's all these different levels of it of the people that I wish I could book. Now, to your point, there are some comedians that are gonna be on the show that have been on Def Jam and comic views. There's like a Tony Roberts, like a person that would make both those words.

Oh, Tony Roberts. I'm gonna say this because he just went out, I started in the black circuit, and he just wanted the comics that didn't matter, like mainstream mainstream or black because I never really saw him out of the black circuit Tony Roberts. I mean got successful He's very funny, but I mean he's just fucking funny. It doesn't matter what circus. I mean curious but but he definitely would be considered more like he does like the shack The shack off star jam comedy That boys the comedy. Yeah, well, I mean, but there's a lot of comedians that look I hate to be like funny is funny or whatever the hell

But like you know the thing about dev jam and I don't want to disparage dev jam But like it was a place where a lot of comics who did not get that kind of exposure suddenly could get that kind of exposure Rich boss man a lot of Immediately go for the white guy Like the color line man. He was the Jackie Robinson and he's a shit. Don't ever let Rich Ross here, you say that. I'm not let, Rich Ross. Oh my God, I'm not trying.

We try to get a stamp. Don't you say your name in advance. We try to get a stamp made in his fucking a can go hat retire. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You have put in the rafters. Yeah, that's funny. I say, Def Cam.

You like, yes, of course, on his charm. There we go. We'll continue. Oh, me and on his jar got a good Alaska story together. Oh, yeah. No, he's, yeah, he's just great old hippie guy who only did black rooms. Yes. But in the exact way, if you do comedy for five minutes yourself,

you're going to hate. Look at, look at Rich Vos on Def Jam. Look at Rich Vah. Oh yeah. Jeff Jam, look at that fat farm hoodie. He looks like a fucking plain close cop. To me and my step-pop watched this when it was like, and loved his joke about a decent proposal that he ends this on, I loved. Oh man, he looks so funny.

But look at these old baggy pants and it's great. Now he just like a three-card Monti dealer outside. Oh no now he's new because high school wrestling shirt. He's very stuck at sweatshirts and hats. Suck it up ladies. Oh I'm firement carries everyone. World through weights I better see you bagged up. The show premiering this Friday, the 19th at 11 PM Eastern. Wait, did I finish saying what I was saying?

Well, no, so you were saying about the people, I was saying that people were reaching out to you. I love it, Dan, appreciate it. No, no, I'm just saying that like, you know, Def Jam kind of became its own style, if you will, where it's like, there were a lot of people who did it, and there was no Def Jam, so they could just do whatever they needed to do, and be whoever they they need to be and then there were the comedians that kind of came up that were

Trying to be deaf jam comics so that way they could get on that show But they were trying to get on the show instead of be the comedian. They should be And so I hope new knee groves is on long enough that people try to impersonate the style Yeah, once we become hack, we've been successful. Do you know what? That was an interesting thing. But I had to do it for sure. When I stopped doing just the black circle, I certainly had to like adjust how I approached

like writing jokes because I, I, I panned it pretty hard. Yeah. In the black circle. That's a weird thing. But when I, I've seen a lot of black comics who would murder in the black scene, and then they would come over and start doing, like they'd figured out over the mainstream room, but they would come over to what they would call the white rooms, but frankly, you know what would be the seller or the scammer.

And it's just like, it was in every night like the same set kind of thing, or what, these guys who were really funny, dude, just doing the same, like, seven bits that they just know, like, why people will laugh at and they change their vernacular. And it's very odd and I'm like, no man, you don't have to like the Carson daily it. Yeah, well, I think like a white, unless you're going to a place where it would be weird

as a black comic to go open in an all white room, there's no single white room, especially in New York City. So it's everybody, but even if it's predominantly white, no white person, no white crowd in today's day and age is trying to come there and hate on a black come. Right, that's the case. Like it's definitely your game to loot, you know what I mean?

Like, I was originally in New York, when I started in New York, there were those crowds, definitely. Yeah, I feel like, yeah, like the times, like times square crowds and you get like the, uh, that was some like East, East Village shows that I would do, the Be All White crowds.

It was like barked in nonsense, so. We're not necessarily barked in there, we're just too damn cool to like, like anything that wasn't already the thing that they liked. Yeah. So I was got, those were always weird. Oh, I must say if you're a black comic, you're just gonna kill,

I'm just saying like no crowd in New York, I think it's gonna not like you because you're a black comic, you're just gonna kill. I'm just saying like no crowd in New York, I think it's gonna not like you because you're black. You're not gonna give a shit. This is already gonna suck. As a white dude, if you still, if you get up in a black room, there is a good portion of the crowd that's going like, this guy's gonna suck.

Yeah, that's why you got a panda, right? And that's gotta break through this. But that's the fun is now. Like if I go back and do, I just did chocolate Sunday I said out in LA yeah at the Lafactory a couple weeks ago or whatever and so fun to go back and do like a like do a black show again because I don't panther now but it does it you realize it doesn't matter it's just the confidence left all is if you weren't pandering as a white comic

what you were trying to do a joke you thought they might not like you're telling it like um It's like you're giving like a third grader giving a nervous for When you really genuinely go up there and be like, you know, if they don't let what's the worst gonna do is not laughing who gives a shit like that You'll you'll do well with whatever jokes you do normally There's no Jay it takes a long time to get to that place. Oh, yeah Yeah, yeah, yeah, you do in a a minute, so you have gotten to that spot. Sure, no, you're right, out of the gates, that's not a thing right here.

Oh, no, I'm sociopath, if you come out of the gates, it's gonna be like, I don't give a fuck. I mean, you're staring and waiting for the light. It's gulping. Oh man, I remember plenty of that. I remember I did want to, I did want to challenge shows at Lafactory and it was me and the other white guy that was there.

I don't want to fucking throw him out of the bus, but he had a real pandery name and he went up and fucking bomb yeah Sauster wasn't sauce it was a it was a different dude sauce but kill yeah no this guy fucking ate it and it sucked me out of being nervous because I just went up there was like hey sorry about that other guy that was nuts that was nuts in there like I was fucking yeah and was like, hey, sorry about that other guy. That was nuts. That was nuts in there. Like, how is that thing?

Yeah, he was like, whoo, I mean, just me and him in the room. I was like, this guy, I look bad. There is nothing funny. Turn it up. Sandbag and the other white guy totally. Oh, there's this guy, I hate it. And I was like, I was, but he, he, he, he ate it with dead baby jokes. Like, he was like going aggressive to the point where you're like,

and he was fawn like, nah, I'm saying, like that kind of voice too. So it was easy to go up and be like, so sorry about that. Well, I think we've said in the show it's my whole my whole career currently is going on the road and having a feature act be over the top like dirty and like, but in that way, where it's like you never fucked a dead baby. And then the crowd goes, Oh, he goes, you guys got a problem with that man you came to the wrong show you guys are going to really run out of the room when Jay gets up here you know the fuck you think I go

up there and say fuck a dead baby with no semblance of a punch line or something. You don't think I can't believe build a situation where that might be the comedic release? I'm telling you tonight I can ad lib something about fucking a dead baby fucker than what you've done up there. Stop calling it the problems. Oh, you got better leave now I it's Jacob again in this week Dan and Jay entertain guests Justin silver and Jamie Kielstein with their impressions of exhibit host of MTV's classic show Pimp My Ride we were talking the day about exhibit showing up to people's houses To offer them ride pimpping on the show and they would have to fake, you know, they would fake it, he was just showing up at a nowhere and

that exhibit, so we did for, for only 10 minutes, yeah, baby, we were just going, yeah, yeah, I'm a bum, you put twizzes in place, you winch your web, yeah, yeah, I got you, I changed it, I changed it, I changed it, it's super dangerous dangerous I'm a dick exhaust pipe tournament the bubble makers Seat belts the slim James You think you're fucking Well, let's play I going to see this video. You're going to see this video. I'm about to fuck up a carol.

Yo, son, I'm about to give you alligator skin tires. Yeah, I'm about to leave the seven hours of carbagging. I'm about to fuck yo shit up. It looks like I'm about to steal a car really I'm about to fuck it up in a different way yo yo I'm about to turn your glove can pop into a confection oven extra to see I put a very stealable TV in your back you live in a very compromised

neighborhood I'm gonna make you bugger teacher to massage I've got very compromised neighborhood. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha in your undercarriage into a hot tub. You can't drive it, be all sloshy. Yeah, you're a lover too. I'm gonna take out your battery and put it in the platinum adora. A model tub. We got a dirty mistor, mistrex to the Z. There is no way that this is gonna pass. This car will turn on.

I don't know how you want me to get through a missions with this dude I can't even fucking get there This is my Mima she is terminal for cancer I took a thunderbird and I put in a mat lock Well, here it is. I'm gonna turn your glove compartment into a diatican machine. Don't worry about that cancer bitch I'm gonna turn your grandma's into a diadvices machine. Don't worry about that, I can't say bitch I'm gonna turn your grandma's drive and see into a fuck machine Yo, she can do chemo in the back seat Yeah, did there were salt long show you could either binge watch breaking bad or all of pimp my eyes Yeah, I just I just realized I'm just taller than exhibits

This is awesome. You think so. I think so. I think you dunk on exhibit They mean Jacob could fucking he I could eat peanuts off this motherfuckers hit I Fuck your shit up Dan I'm just do we got to be honest with each other? On Thursday's lost tapes, Jay and Dan discussed the tragedy of being in the friend zone while watching the Netflix documentary Behind the Curve. Behind the Curve, the documentary on Netflix, Mark Sargent is just throwing it at this,

the lady of the lake, the sexiest woman in the flat earth world. Yeah. Well, he's obsessed and she is less than interested Patricia steel be on she has a couple couple of friends that is the face of a man that was just crushed that's a missed field goal face that is he's like a couple of friends. Oh, yeah. Oh, Mr. Sergeant, we have all been there, buddy. We have all taken that shot. That was my, that face right there was when I asked that girl out in college in the middle of the quad and she had that Ohio accent and she goes, Dean, I have a boyfriend. You're like,

yeah. That's why I said lunch. You bitch. You bitch. Yeah. That's just a gut punch you have. You all, everyone can identify with. Yeah, that gut punch me.

And she goes, a couple of friends, we're gonna fuck till the morning comes. Is a lyric in a song. Yeah. He's like, you wanna come over and fuck the pain away with my best of peaches album? Oh my God.

And I will always love you as my favorite song from the bodyguard. There you go. He's not even called that. It's not my favorite song, by Whitney Houston, but the favorite song from the bodyguard. But I like Kevin Holtzner. I heard he's got it. You know what, I wouldn't use it. There's a lot of bodyguards. But I like coming house nerd.

I heard he's got it. You know what, I wouldn't talk like this to a guy, I was fucking, this is so much better. I could talk to you at the bodyguard and stuff. Oh my God, that. I could talk flat earth with you. I don't want to talk flat earth with somebody, I want to fuck you, I mean,

I just want to suck their dick all the time. I just want to wake them up with blow jobs. I just want to literally be soaked in their come. But with you, I could say it for hours talking. And this is more important. This is more important because we're solving the earth and our podcast is so fun and they're just getting away. Okay.

So can we take a quick commercial break? I guess my boyfriend's had a long day at work. I have to go suck them off real quick. I promise him everything. And I give them the best blow jobs. You come in like 10 minutes and we're starting to talk. You might hold, you might, you might pull both our ends here for a couple minutes

on the podcast. Where's she goes down she goes, Hey Mark, I'm back and he has to go, there's still some, there's some coming your hair. Yeah. What'd you say? Oh my God, I'm so embarrassed. There's some, there's some coming your hair.

Oh God, it's, he really fires off the graces. Oh, we never, the biggest loads out of the thickest dick. I would never, I'd never come in your hair. Cause it was fun. That's too bad cause I really love degradation. You're so nice. But you're an angel. You love you the way I show you.

That was my favorite when I was younger, like a hot girl that I would like. Torture hot girl. But always just talking to you. No, a hot girl that I'd be into and talking to you about the way other guys treat them. It was just the funniest. Cause it's just like we see each other and

I'm just like, you know, I'm really sad about some things going on. He just like shoves his head down, shoves my head down and it was dick and it's like, I love the dick so I suck it and then he fucks so good and that's great. But then it's just like afterwards, he's like, make me a sandwich and like I do and then like, let me watch whatever he's watching on TV. But, and then he kind of wants me to leave. Then you're just like, I would never do any of that. And it's like, by the way, I don't know,

I forgot my wallet. Can you pay for my movie ticket? Thank you. And also, like, also real quick, can you top off my gas? Because I'm like, in the red. And like, he makes me drive him everywhere and he never gives me money for gas. And he's such a dead, but you're like, you're there to listen you help with my gals and it's just like oh

I wish we were best friends I hate you so much God damn it. I'll fight you. I'll fight you even though the resentment you genuinely have there. They're not your friend They're not you're very angry at them all the time. I'm fucking testing me right Dude that is the fucking best way to just like, dude, I remember this girl, Andrea. She was so hot. She wore a shirt, a sock,

she wore a wife-beater that she wrote on that just said submissive, our sophomore year of high school. And I was like, they're in French class. And I was like, what does that mean? And she goes, I just like, I do what I'm told. And I'm like,

oh. This is such a d goes, I just like, I do what I'm told, and I'm like, no. This is such a dork that I was like, oh, it's all right. All right, well, I do what I'm told. I got, that's pretty awesome. Then, senior year, she was fucking around with this dangerous ass Mexican dude named Spider. And that's, he literally drove around

this big ass Cadillac. Dude, it was fucking terrifying. And she's like, she was over at my house to smoke weed and I was like, God, we're gonna make out. And she was like, I've just been like, hooking up a spider. I'm like, you need to leave, you need to leave my house. You need to leave my house right now.

You are, you have stayed past, not because she was looking up at it, because I'm so terrified. Yeah. Hey, it's Big J. Overson. And I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 PM Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at SexM.

This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.