The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Titanic True Romance

Episode Date: June 10, 2026

Jacob educates the guys with an intriguing story about the Titanic and its sister ships. Jay and Bobby turn his story into a search for love. It is Bonfire lore that poor Jacob always finds himself without romance. Jay imagines that he can find the perfect woman who has the same interests as Jacob, such as nautical wrecks. Bobby tries to find him a professional escort to take on a Brazilian adventure, where they will realize their destiny. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more! FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus. Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See https://pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

And now, the Bonfire with Big J. O'Kerson and Robert Kelly. Damn, dude. You like a lot of songs with the N-word in it. Black people rule. Black people do rule. Are you ready to laugh now? Yeah, you already laugh now? Woo!

You ready to laugh now? Thank you, Jamie. Jamie. This song didn't affect Jacob at all. He started just talking louder over it. He was like, blah, blah, blah, white nonsense, white nonsense. Bobby was trying to get through to Bobby. God.

You know what? I was trying to ask Bobby a question. I wish you wouldn't write this music off. I didn't feel it. Quote unquote, you said, jungle music, which is fucking crazy. Crazy to say in today's temperature. In today's temperature, racial climate. We did the meeting on Mondays at 11, and I had to do it in the car, and Dawn was in it, in the car.

And as soon as the screen came up, the Zoom, and she saw everybody's faces, she went, What's wrong with Jacob? I go, that's his face. Oh, no, it's just how he kicks it. That's his, that's his face. Oh, she goes, what's wrong with Jacob? And you went, oh, he must have amazing news.

She literally looked at Jacob and thought Jacob was pissed off about something. Of course. I go, no, that's just him. He is. I have resting misery face, and you know this. It's a family, dude. Yeah, I had to explain to her. About the family.

He is. The family. The family. You don't need no family. You is the family. When you is the family. Family dinner. I think it's funny, though, that just my, you know, knows Jacob, knows about him, and then sees his face and go, why is he so fucking bummed out?

God damn. 8 p.m. dinner reservation for one, please. The family. How much is it a ticket for the movie? How many? one well how many seats do you need

one you go as a group I'll go to a movie by myself how much is a ticket to Universal for one yeah hey is there a different line

if you're riding the roller coaster by yourself one ticket for Harry Potter World please oh One wand, please. Yeah, my name's Jacob, whatever you're going to say, pedophile. One adult, Harry Potter World. It's funny, too, because you brought up a good little idea.

I like when you're brainstorming you were like, hey, what do you think about this? And I was like, you know, that's a great idea. I liked it. And Jacob goes, they already do that. Don't they already do that on the, on Larry the Cable guy or somebody else? He does that. And I look at him, I'm like, well, how would you do that? And they goes, no, no, no, that's a good idea, too.

But what does Larry the cable guy do? I said, you are on the show. It's kind of like what they do. But I don't think they don't do it in the fishbowl, which is a good idea. What did they do on the show? You're on a show. Larry the cable guy. Yeah, you just, or Jeff Foxworthy.

I was never on a show. He was Foxworthy. And it was Larry. But he does, he'll interview comics from, like, you would never, no, no, no, no. I'm talking about getting them together. and the interesting thing is to see where the that's what he does no that's why that's different that's a a good idea to do it in studio that why would you bring up the comparison just want to hurt me i mean i heard this idea i was like that's a great idea i just said it's no if it's a great idea you go

that's a great idea you went oh yeah they kind of do that already we're doing the fishbow jacob how many tickets do you need for your friends and family none i don't need any How many hamburgers, sir? One. One. Can you do a half? Could you do a half a burger? With no bun, please?

I guess one then. I'll have one with nothing. Just a little shake of fries. Just a one little handshake of fries. Do you guys sell one fry? And a sip of a shake? Yeah. One order for family.

I've got one French fry half burger. No bun, no letter. No ketchup. No bun. Slap it, smack it up. I got one sad drip. Uh... Jacob better play by himself. What are you doing when you order food out? I don't. He doesn't. Ever. I cook at home. Yeah. We're going to order one burger. Yeah, it is hard to order for one, I think. I'm the mood for a slice of pizza. Do you guys sell one pork chop?

Well, if I go out, if I'm going to get food out, I walk to get it. To go get it. Yeah. How's that? I have never had food delivered. How is that walk? Why? You don't trust Asians in your building?

I don't like the, I think that's crazy. It's like an industry now. What? Delivering food? Everyone has. Now? They don't even leave to get their food. Well, I mean, once in a while, though, you just kind of have it delivered.

I do that once in a while. No. You just, you walk to the place. For me, it's a calorie burn of like if I'm going to eat ramen, I have to at least walk to get it. That's how my brain works. Can I ask you a question? You're breaking your own eating ramen. Wow.

You go, you walk and eat the ramen there. You don't bring it back to your place. No, I bring it back because I have my whole setup. You have a what? I have my ramen bowls. And I add an egg that I make a ramen egg. What? You make the soy sauce egg?

Yeah. What? You make your rice. I know sometimes I do soy, but most of the time not. So you know how to cook an egg perfectly, so it's... I know how to do everything perfectly, Bobby. Yes, cooking is my... Except fine love.

Well, yeah. I was talking about food. Oh, yeah. Before you hurt me. Yeah. You spent so much time on food, you forgot about relationships. There's love out there for you, Jacob. It exists.

Yeah, you just have to stop eating like a fucking serial killer. Yeah. You won't let us find her. for you. I really, I really want to find somebody for you. How could you not? Jacob, you should have somebody in your life. There's, there's somebody out there.

I'm not arguing. There's somebody out there like bow ties and salmon and rubber band workouts. And talking Japanese culture. Yeah, talking about the Titanic. I was about to say, I'm nothing like the way you described me on air. And then you mentioned the Titanic. I said, oh, wait, they do have to put up with that. We nailed it.

You need to find a girl that also loves the Titanic like you do. I know. One of the things that bonds you together. Christine, where are they? A woman who's willing to pick you up under the armpits and put you on bed. Is there anybody still, is there any women still alive from the Titanic? We could hook him up with. Yeah, or maybe like Molly Brown's niece or something.

Yeah, is there somebody, how about somebody related to somebody that was on the Titanic? Can I give you a weekly Titanic story? Yeah, go ahead. A little fun. fact you're like this one this is actually about Britannic Titanic's youngest sister what what what there are three sister ships I thought you knew this I must have said this a bunch of times it's a good story this what there's a Titanic was the middle of three sister ships is Olympic was that the biggest one no they're all the same size they were twin triplets they made

three ships the same thing yes but Titanic at Every one of them had some upgrades. You know the ships that weren't organic materials, though, right? They have no relation. In the industry, they're called sisters. They are. I didn't know that. Okay.

Yeah. Well, the Titanic's Olympic and Britannic are always referred to as sisters. And all ships are women. Not in Russia. In Russia, it's reversed. In Russia, it's male. But every other place in the world, it is female. And penises should always be, like, full proper names.

Like, this is, have you met Lawrence? Like you wouldn't say Larry. No. It's Lawrence. Yes. For your penis. Yeah. Have you met Sylvester?

Yeah. Oh, do you know Jonathan? You writing that down for the... No, no, no. I'm not writing down. You write down dick names for the people to watch on the computer screen? So I always found we're giving it right to him and he just goes to the typewriter. I mean, we're looking directly at you when you checked out as an audience.

I didn't know. I was writing... What were you writing? A note. A note. What was a note? Name you Dick Lawrence. I keep writing so I don't forget.

Later, for later, I have to get my nose. I mean my penis Jackson. No, that laughed didn't seem real now. It hurt. I was making up for the other. So tell us about the sister ships. Okay, so Olympic sailed first. Wow, you've been waiting for this moment.

No, no, she's... Nothing happened to Olympic, actually. Christine, I hope you brought an extra pair of panties. Christine likes my Titanic talk. Damn right. We had a contest, remember? I mean, I won. But...

She likes the movie Titanic. Who doesn't? Who doesn't? I mean, I couldn't give a shit. I liked it the first time I saw it. I watched it once, couldn't watch it twice. I got it. I'll watch it going down again, that part, but I couldn't care less about...

It's a whole second half of the movie. Right. I'll watch the second half only. I don't care about this... I get it. Fucking this stupid DeCaprio fival mousing his way onto the Titanic. Yeah, all the bullshit they made up to make the sinking. It's a weak.

I mean, if there's a weak link, it's the... But, you know, they're there just to take you around the ship. The love story? The love story. You got to... But Billy Zane was a real character. Because then it's just a ship. Billy Zane was a real person.

No, he was not. No. Did his character represent a real person? No. Well, I mean, they were rich first class. Hmm. But they had actors playing the real people also. Did they really have dirty immigrants on the, like, the lower decks?

Third class? Stupid pieces of shit. Did they have smelly potato people on the... They did, actually. Yeah. Disgusting mix. How much was a ticket for one? Eight Chinese people.

What? Eight Chinese people. That's what it cost you? They ate Chinese people? No, there were eight Chinese people and six of them survived. Oh, I thought I was saying the ticket to get on board. The price was eight Chinese people. Do we have Chinese slaves?

I thought they said they ate Chinese people, the third class. No. They had eight. Well, they had to do laundry. Six of them survived. And one of them, there's a deleted, seen. We actually filmed one of the Chinese guys. He had to balance

on like a piece of wood. Yeah. On his hands and knees. They're good at that though. They're circus people. Just keep their body above his chest above his core above the water until a life boat came and picked him up. Got him. Did he stand on one leg like the crane?

That was the Jack and Rose inspiration. He, but he cut it out. No, the Chinese guys. The Chinese guy. There's nothing more fun than Pepper a story of the funny but the person's telling the story linearly so then I can't deviate he can't deviate

so you can't say that goes because you go was he doing the butterfly the butterfly kick technique on the piece of wood and he goes so that is what that was based off of the from the Titanic the butterfly kick no no no no no I didn't listen to what you said it all so he

was keeping his core up is he the only one that did that I'm not going to match what's with you Jay you're doing great was he keeping his core is like a Chinese technique or he knew He literally bounced on his hands and knees for, I think, a couple of hours until a lifeboat came back. Now, keep in mind, he's also injured. He was cheated earlier in the tournament. Is that true?

They were all third class. The lifeboat, the lifeboat's just ahead. Can he keep his torso above as long as possible? Finish him! Oh, my God. What is that? His chest is going underwater. Lifeboat!

Yeah! Lifeboat! Yeah Lifeboat Chinese guy did it everybody He held his chest above the water Until the lifeboat got there Oh my God it's unprecedented

Unheard of God dude You know what now I think back about The Titanic was a great movie It was a great movie Yeah remind me how good the Titanic was And that Chinese person is cooking Lomain and St. John's as we speak

As we fucking speak Make me food Yeah that's him Is that him Is that him? I didn't know we had audio, raw audio. Wow, that's crazy. I had it raw audio this whole time.

So the sister boat Olympia? No, Olympic. Olympic, I'm sorry. I want you to see that one, Freebird? How come nobody knows? Everybody knows the Titanic and nobody knows about the sister book, Olympic and Maria. I don't think that's right.

Santa Maria? Santa Maria and the Pinta. All right, this is, it's interesting. So, okay. Titanic, Olympic, and the pussy snatcher. What was the... The third owner was hilarious. The Olympic and what was the other one?

Britannica is the youngest of the... Britannica? Like the encyclopedias? Britannic. Like the encyclopedias? No. It's Britannica. Yeah.

I see why you got to made the mistake. I thought they made so much money off of the encyclopedias they could afford to make a ship. Yeah. Fucking Bridie, Olympia, and Titty. That's what I call them. I'm their friend. I was friends with the sisters. So we had little nicknames for him.

Titty. Now, after the Titty went down, did the... They made upgrades to Britannic. Obviously, they had to have enough life boats. Did they get a better captain that didn't hit icebergs? Yeah. He was at fault. Did they ever do the third one?

Florence, was it? The third boat? Florence? No. Olympia. I don't get it. Olympia? Is that wrong?

Olympic. Olympic. I'll end with ick. Olympic, Titanic, Britannic. The story ends with ick. No, you're going to like my story, but you're not letting me... No, I'm sorry. By the way, if I'm a girl, I've already left your apartment, freaking the fuck out.

Yeah, I'm gone. That's why I'm telling you in here on the live radio. I'm taking my half a hamburger and I'm leaving. I'm fucking out of here. Stop trying to talk to me. I'm just a delivery guy. I'm going to take my free exercise bands that you said I could have, and my half a hamburger, and I'm gone. You think Jacob's afraid if he gets delivery food, he's going to invite. the guy never let him leave

he's your my best friend now I'm gonna drill in your head so you stay by the way I know not to talk like this in front of women okay good good let me tell you something I already know that instinctively

if you found a woman and then she brought up the Titanic and the Olympic and the Santham what was the last one huh I think you know by now the Maria

you're mocked oh sea monster if she brought up the Olympic and the sea monster would you would you flip the fuck out just on her own yeah if she just brought up like you know I didn't meet her from the show no you were out of your house on a date

and I was essentially did you know that there was two other ships other than the Titanic the sister ships would you lose your mind the pints in the panty dropper this would be Jacob I'm sorry I'm sorry

I would be very careful not to get too crazy you have to go, oh, do tell. No, you'd be like, can you excuse me? I just got to go to the bathroom real quick, and she'd hear her in the bathroom, Oh, thank you, go on! Oh, my God, I know, I thought I'm going to be out of the bathroom, and she's sitting with her legs crossed, reading your Nazi book. Oh, Jacob, I thought you might be in there for a little bit longer.

I was just thumping through your Nazi books. Yeah, just wearing a bow tie. So it's the Olympic and the... So Titanic is Sank. Sank, yes, we know that. And the America motherfucker. On purpose because of the Federal Reserve? No.

No. Oh, isn't that like a conspiracy theory that they... It's nonsense. But they sunk it, right? No, it's just, it's saying because he went full throttle into an iceberg. Why did you do that? I don't know. It's a bad captaining, to be honest.

That's Titanic, Britannic, and the slick pickle. He had enough ice warnings. I say you didn't get some of them, but it was enough. You don't do what you did. Can't you see the iceberg? No, no. You couldn't see it until it was way too close. Wasn't there a guy with a flashlight going, icebergs?

The water was too calm, so there was no breaking at the base of the icebergs. And it was also a perfect night, which is bad for spotting icebergs. So you don't want a perfect sight when you're, you don't want calm water. You want it to be really. You want it a little rough so that it hits and makes a little wave. Wave, yeah. If we were on a date, I would have stuck my dick in your mouth to shut you up by now. I'd have been like, I'm not even gay dude, but here, just fucking taste it and stop talking.

Well, I can wait, because listen to this, Jay. Okay. Oh, he doesn't quit. I like it. Can you say it, though, with my wiener in your cheek? So, yeah, Olympic. Yeah, oh, boy, crazy. All right, so go ahead.

The Olympic... So, Titanic's been sank. Yeah, we know that. So, Britannic is the last of the three sisters, and it was going to be a luxury liner, an ocean liner like Titanic. an Olympic but World War I broke out so it was immediately converted to a hospital ship

right it was stripped of all its opulence and then in 1916 to me fair because Bobby has no idea explain what opulence is well all the luxury I think I got that I'm praying to God I got that word right all the luxury of first class I got it

he was being the dink it was stripped to he was making me look like a dink I know what opulence means. Right. Well, it was stripped to just be a very basic hospital ship. Hang on one. I don't appreciate you in the middle of this story in front of Jacob, throwing me under the bus like that.

I think you took it the wrong way. It was more for me, Bobby. I don't know what opulence means for sure, so I was throwing it to you. Like, you were the dumb, dumb, so you explained it to you, and then I could be like... I'm just going to tell you right now that I basically knew what it was. Yeah, I mean, contextually, I think I kind of got it,

It's a good word. I don't know what that means. It made me. I do not know what that means. I think it's some type of texture. Yeah. Okay. It's a texture.

All right, Jacob. Go on, you're talking about. It's 2016, I believe it's November. The Pente and the Finger Blast. I think it's November, 2016 or October. Anyway. What year?

Britannic, 201916. Thank you. I was saying that's very close. Right. So, Britannic hits a German mine and sinks. off of the coast. Oh, no. This fucking company stinks. They can't see anything.

What the fuck they make their boats out? What do they have? Yeah, fucking saran wrap? Well, it was an ocean liner. It wasn't made for war, but they had the big hospital age on it. Can I just say something? Please. I'm not stepping up. You said they fixed it. After the Titanic, they fixed the other two ships.

Well, to hit an iceberg, not to hit a German mine. Well, I mean, iceboat in the same thing. Potato potato. Look what an iceberg did. Not for warfare. Not for warfare. All right. I'll be honest with you.

I hope that company went under. I don't feel bad saying it. They did. Most of it. Yeah. Under the ocean. Yeah. They don't exist.

Two thirds of it are under the ocean. That whole company. Oh, man, my shares. But I put shares in those companies. But, that's a... So, Britannic sinks. It's about 800 and 12 feet long, but it sinks in 400 feet of water. So the bow of the ship hits the ground before the rest of the ship, so it's ass out of the water, right?

Right. So here's the trivia. Nobody actually died on board Britannic when it sank. However, they managed to get everyone off. The sailors on board a couple of the light boats launched too fast before the captain told them to and died because the propeller of the ship was still moving. It sucked in the boat and 30 people got Swiss cheesed by the propeller of the Britannic. Oh, it's not Swiss cheese.

That's fucking shaved hands. Yeah, except for one woman a nurse by the name of Violet Jessup, she jumped off in the nick of time. The propeller hit her head, fractured her skull. That's the name of the woman you should marry. Yeah. What's your name again? Violet Jessup, I believe, that's name. That's what I would think, the type of woman you marry and finally said, Vila Jessup Batat.

Vila. A woman who wears sweaters all the time. She's passed. It takes you 30 minutes to get, have sex with it because you have to under a course. So, oh, my God. She's wearing so much stuff. Here's the cool part about Violet. You think that's cool enough?

She survived that? No. She was also a stewardess on Titanic. She survived both wrecks. She called them as stewardesses? Can I just say to them, though? Maybe she's the one who caused all this shit. It's pretty fucking.

Yeah, she is a common denominator there. Common denominator. Maybe she's the one who, uh, the guy was like iceberg, and she was like, it's not an iceberg. She might be working for the Japs. Yeah. Maybe she's working for the germs and the Japs. Do we have a problem with the Japs then? Yes, we did.

We did. No, World War I, we did not. Oh, okay. Oh, was that World War I? Who do we hate World War I? Germans. Germans? The Germans?

Fucking Germans. We didn't really hate them. We just got involved because we had to. Because France and England were getting their fucking butts whipped again. We had to step in and take over and fuck everybody up again. Damn, I love Bobby's once you got 50 late-night documentaries. I would also watch info. I like that.

That's fun. World War II. We weren't even involved. We got to, you know, the Japs sucked us in. Then we said, fuck it. Now we're going to take over. So we had to help the Jews. Uh, no.

We did? No. That was the other one? No. World War II. That's what you just said. Oh, oh, two. World War II, we got in because of the Japs.

We weren't involved in that thing. Jews. The Japs and the Russians. Can we say Japs? Of course. Japanese. Japanese, which I love. But you're using that time period's language.

Yeah, you're speaking as a character from the time period. They dragged us into the war. We wanted nothing to do. We were out of it. Even our president was like, we're not doing this. We're not getting in war. We're not dealing with the shit.

And then we had to because they fucked us up in Pearl Harbor. On my birthday of all days. Fucking assholes. Jesus. That's right. Pearl Harbor Day. I'll give it more.

It's birthday. So the Nina and the Pinter and the was it the Pussy Hop? The Panny Dropper. Panty dropper. That's a good story, right? That's interesting trivia. What I love about the show, it's not always about the laughs.

It's about learning. Of course. The Titanic, the Olympic, and the... Britannic. And Gloria's gift. It was up to you. It'd be all about learning. You can dive...

You have to be an extremely accomplished technical diver, but people... And you have to get clearance from Greece to dive the Britannic. But there's great videos of... The thing is... You say great videos of people diving on this ship? Because I'll be honest, we couldn't find a great video of Pete Diddy's penis. earlier. We've been trying all day. It's perfectly preserved. So if you dive the Britannics, it's like you're diving Titanic. It's perfectly preserved. It sank and it's in way better condition

than Titanic. I thought you said they took all the opulence out of that one. What happened to the opulence? Well, the bones of it are almost identical to Titanic. Well, now we're down to the bones. The story's changing a lot. Yeah, dude. The Titanic had opulence. Well, that all went away, though. Yeah, but it's still there. They still have the tiles and the spa and all that stuff. The spa is there. You said that the, the new one that, they'd, the new one that took all the opulence out, so it's just, what is it? Stupid fucking boat for assholes. It's just medical beds and fucking IVs and shit.

Every, every, it's identical in the way you would walk it to Titanic. But no spa, no restaurants, no fancy stuff, no first class. No, I guess the restaurant was converted into a mess hall. I don't know those specifics. Is there a smushroom? Yeah, any happy ending places? Could you get a happy ending on the Titanic, you think? Of course.

From those Asian? banged in a car. Those Asian people down on the little thing down there. Oh, that's why they were there. Absolutely. Makes sense now. When they're done shoveling cold and shit. Hey, on the middle sister ship, is that still around?

That's Titanic. The first one. I'm sorry. The funky dumpling? Olympic had a long career in the... I don't think anyone except DJ Lewis enjoying all of my just naming the third boat, stupid boat names. I'm enjoying everything. I'm letting you do it.

I love it. Cutting all of them? Jay, I'm in the zone. I understand. I understand. I'm always going to name the Titanic, one of the other ones, and then I'm hitting you with some kind of fucking hilarious. I'm the Titanic. The Titanic, the...

The Titanic, the... Olympic was the first show. Olympic was the first year. That's gone? Yeah, it was just decommissioned and dismantled in like 1930. They took it apart? Yeah, it was scrapped after 20 years. It breaks my heart.

What do they do with it? Well, actually, I mean, like, there's hotels that have a lot of the stuff. I think the grand staircase, from that is in some hotel all the furniture so they can just they'll just take the whole ship apart and it's gone it didn't mean anything back then what did they do it just melt it down today make something else they just for scrap yeah they take it all out sell what they can which one the titanic the titanic okay jac come on get it together yeah check out this one just getting excited now just to start them are you talking about that titanic what's wrong are you did you smoke too much

it's having fun it's the Titanic the mechanic the Buchanan what's the last one uh I can't I can't now it's gone I want to get up I think enough vaginas have dried up with me telling all that information yeah but there's one vagina out there right now that's wet and we have to find you that I'm not so sure about that pie Hang on, Jay, let me play the flute. I haven't played in a while, hang on. Hey, Jay. Yeah.

I'm sorry, please go. Continue. It's beautiful. Wow. They only wrote songs for Titanic, not the Britannica or a little stinker. First of all, I've got to say, when you said you were going to get the flute.

and learn that, I didn't think you were gonna. No, you thought I was bullshit me. I thought I was bullshit me if I told you. I'm only going to learn the first verse, but here goes, here's my best. Okay, all right, okay. I can't believe you did it. Wait, hold up, hold up.

Okay, hang on, I got it. Whoa. Go on. It's pretty impressive. I'm singing also. Wow. Do you? I'm sorry.

Why do you have the flute on you all the time? Hmm? How come you have the flute on you all the time? You knew we were doing this today? In case I ever meet Lizzo again. I really felt like I missed an opportunity to play flute for it when I saw her. Are you trying to open for Dave Attell? Yeah, we're going to go be the fucking brass section of comedy.

Yeah, I have to fucking leave. I think what we could do is the... Why? I think what we're... I like when Jay gets a nice full belly. you're so relaxed the whole point in the story the girl that was in both yeah

that was a cool story that was a good story half hour well I didn't take half hour Christine we have to add some to it yeah here's up Jacob tell a fucking fun fact

you could look up in a boring article yeah what are we going to do just let them talk hey Jay what we could do and I'm just spitball in here because we like the spitball we get a prostitute that can role play that she loves the Titanic, the Olympica. The funky dumpling.

The funky dumpling. What's the other one? The shits and gigs? The shits and gigs. That she loves it. She, you know, kind of school her on it. We pay a little extra money to do a little research. And then we just have her bump into Jacob somewhere on the train.

They start to talk. She will have her have a Titanic book out. Can I add to this idea? Please. Could we then have her go on a true romance-like adventure in life? Like we feign a whole thing where it's like you end up having to help her or she or let's make it realistic. Let's still have her, you're getting attacked by somebody who's mopping the floor with you and then she kills him. But it'll be fake.

You don't know that. You're going to think now and now you feel this protection over her and then she takes you in a wild series of adventures. maybe even out of the country. We could actually set up a pimp scenario with somebody, one of the comics, maybe he doesn't know. Jacob's not going to go, he's not going to take a girl from a pimp. He's going to think, if you know she's a prostitute, he's got to feel like he met a girl,

they bumped into each other, and then she had to kill a guy to save him from being raped. I get you, yeah. He wouldn't go to a pimp's house to get her freedom, is what you're saying. That's if she just saved him from being raped. Right, yeah. You're right. He doesn't have the courage to go to the pimp's house.

He wants to. He wants to, but he just doesn't have it. In his heart of hearts, he wants to, for sure. Okay. But right now, he's just happy that he didn't get raped. He didn't get raped. In front of that girl. And she saved him, but there's a murder, and they're in on it.

They kind of have to. Well, she did it for him, so it's like, yeah, and he's very attracted to her. How did she? Like a rusty, something on the ground. I assume it's happening outside. Right. Okay, great. And then, so then they fall in love.

She starts to cry. The guy's an actor, by the way. We need some practical effects for this because we're not killing a guy. No, we're not going to kill. Of course not. We're not going to kill a guy. So then that's when she starts to cry, breaks down. He has to go over to her and go, it's okay.

And she's like, no, I killed the guy in front of you. And now you're in accessory and I don't want you to be. You just leave me. Leave me. And he's like, I'm not leaving you. He's not going to leave her. He's not going to leave her. And then they start to kiss.

And then you realize, though, that she's a fucking wild card that everywhere you go, she causes major problems. Major problems. But really, you have to get in all kinds of stuff. But everything's set up, Jacob. You're not going to lose one fight. Can I have a little? Of course.

So when they have the breakdown and she's crying and she's like, I killed the guy, you need to go. And he's like, but you did it for me. And then they kiss. At that moment, she kind of breaks them a nodding. She goes, I could really go for some salmon. That would be nice. And he goes, what did you just say? What the fuck you say to me?

I can't, I just, I don't know. I just love salmon. I just would love some salmon right now. And he's like, I know how to cook it perfectly. What did you say? I said, I know how to kick it perfectly. You like salmon, too? I love salmon.

I love salmon. Oh, can we also add Bobby? Can we add that also the guy that attacked Jacob and that she fake killed? Yeah. He wrote up on a horse. So they now have his horse. Oh, thank you. So, yeah.

And she's like, I not, she's like, but he knows how to ride a horse because he was a cowboy. Yeah. And she doesn't. She's a little scared. He has to help her up as a cowboy would. We worked at a horse farm in Jersey for a little bit. And then they go back to his house and he cooks the salmon perfectly. I was a rancher for a whole summer.

We got that. I worked on the horse farm. Right. And then they go back to the house. And he looks over at one point while he's cooking the salmon. And she's slowly taking her bloody clothes off from the murder. And she grabs one of the Titanic books out. and she starts reading it.

She's like, this is my favorite one. And he's like, that's my favorite one too. And then she says something like a... No, we cut to a smash cut, a little bag of them on the couch. He's reading. It's open in the book. She's pointing. They're laughing.

All of a sudden they're reading really, oh, my God. And then they look at each other. And then they look over because it's the Titanic after it sinks. And it's at the end. And he looks over at her and she looks at him. And there's one tier. coming down to each of their eyes because it's such a tragic loss. And then he reaches over and wipes the tear out of her eyes and then they kiss again.

Oh my God. I like that. And then Jacob goes, she's like, I want to make love to you. And he goes, I have to do the dishes first and clean up. Yeah. But as soon as I'm done cleaning everything up so there's no mess, I'll meet you in the bedroom. And then you can put me up on the bed. Put me up on the bed.

She has to put them up on the bed. Just put them up in the bed, of course. So she's saying that she'll, after he's done cleaning, she grabs him. She could also be a human stool or let him leapfroger. Either one works. So you go getting him fired into that bed. I would like Jacob to talk to her and rip from Yellowstone kind of speak. I like that.

She's like, are you ready to? Do you want this forever? He goes, if forever is forever with you would feel like just moments in time, baby. So yeah. I think I want to do forever Do you want to make love to me right now? If making love, do you mean laying down with the woman that I love

And look into the eyes of forever And see in my future? Well, yeah. Can I spend the night? No, no, my wife's coming home. What? I thought you... My wife's coming home. I can't, you have to go out.

Actually, gather your stuff, please. Get me out of your... Get the fuck, you just reminded me She's coming home and she is going to be pissed. As soon as they're making love, the phone rings, and he goes, I gotta get that. That's Jim, my boss. I, yeah.

Oh, yeah, that's right. Jim's gonna eventually call and take you out of your adventure. But you might already be in Zimbabwe by then. Jim calls, I gotta pick up. Yeah, you gotta pick up. Hang on one second. Just give me a second, that's my boss.

Hi, no. I took that out. No, I know. They were watching a video. I tried to describe it. I know. How about this? So then when Jacob's feeling comfortable with her

and they're taking care of each other, they think the dust is settled. One day, she's just gone. But there are a series of very simple clues that are going to lead Jacob on a definitely out-of-the-country adventure. I'm thinking like Brazil, maybe something like that, like something. Well, we could get a Brazilian. We could get a Brazilian prostitute to play this role.

She was taken back to her place. And she leaves clues back to Brazil to the... But by like, like, warlord. She's in the favelas. She's in the top of the favela in Rio. And he has to... Is that a resort? No, you know, you ever see, Brazil?

The projects, they're all on the hill. Yes. She's at the very tippity top. Okay. He's got to make his way from the airport to the beach and then make his way up into the favelas. I'd like him along the way to make friends with a local boy who he feels like he could trust for some reason or the other. I would say, I would say that's fantastic. But I say when we make him a boy, I would say you don't know if he's a boy or a girl.

I want him to be very androgynous. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay, an androgynous child. But I want the child to fall in love with Jacob. No matter what it is. No matter what, he falls in love with Jacob, and Jacob has to actually get to the point where he's like,

I can't be with you. I'm here looking for the love of my life. I can't be with you. He doesn't know as a hired prostitute, of course. Right, exactly. He doesn't know that yet. He doesn't know that yet. And then he makes his way the little boy, girl,

or whatever, the Andro- he's like, I will still take you to the top of the favela. And they make their way through gangs, through fights, through drug dealers. And he gets to the top of the favela, and she's there. Oh, Christ, oh, my God. Yeah, she's there. And he walks up, and he's like, what's her name? What do you think your name would be?

Mm. Mm. One of those awful sounding, like a real thud of a name. You know what I mean? Like one of those real, it's ugly. It sounds like a belch. Mildred? Mildred?

No, no, no. It's something farny, but like a real, like a pud name. It's a real fucking fracas or something like that. You know what I mean? Like a woman named fracas. Frakis? Fracchus? Yeah.

Her name's fracas. Because he has to say that with love. He has to say fracas. Yeah. It's me, Jacob. And she turns around and she goes, what are you doing here? You go, oh, your friends see you up, Bessie.

You're in the wrong place now. Yeah. And they kill Jacob. Well, they don't kill him. I say that the little boy, girl, androgynous thing. Oh, a little thing. Little thing. Little thing.

That's the thing. Little thing. It's probably sort of Chinese, but maybe not. Steps in front of the knife, the machete. Oh. That fracas is about to use. And kills. Kills little one.

Kills a little thing? Little thing. Fuck. That sucks. And we're already over here in the fucking shit hills. I'm not doing all that for Bobby. What?

What? I'm not doing all that. You haven't seen the prostitute yet. Come on. No, she's going to be like, High Lev. You don't even know she's a prostitute. You think she's a fucking...

I'm not going to fall for it. Hang on. Do me a favorite. Christine, go on that. On the train. What's the... What's the... What's fine you?

I'm going to find you. I'm going to find you. I'm going to find you. I'm going to find a... you this Brazilian prostitute that you're going to go overseas for she's in there Jay you know it would be even better to this story if if we're just joking around but in real life he does meet this smoking hot Spanish girl that loves all these things Titanic salmon and he treats her like shit but no he but he does it he thinks it's us setting him right he treats

like shit yeah and he's just like oh fuck off I know what this is. Fuck you what you fucking play thing asshole go to New York that's it that's the problem I would like a to be local until she ends up in Brazil. Yeah. We're going to get you, dude. We're going to hook you up with a nice... Well, Clarence realized Alabama was a prostitute, but she said, yes, I was hired, but I love you for real.

But she was also... Like every horse's... The way they got you out of it, is only a call girl for two days. This was her... That was her first... Uh-huh. That was her...

Listen, you need a little bit to suspend reality to live your life, Jacob. Go back to what you just had on there, Because I already say three that Jacob would fucking... When I asked Dawn if she still loves me, she says yes. You understand? You need a little bit to... She's an actress. Yeah, she knows what she's a professional wife.

Scroll down. All right. Melly, you're 100%... No, maybe not. No, no, I changed my mind. She got too big. That's too much. Oh, yeah.

All right, so far. Keep going. Scroll down. We're looking at the Calaisi a little. What about that right there? She's beautiful, big lip. None of these so far. Oh, you know what?

All the way on the right. Yeah. There you go. Yeah, all the way on the right. Yeah, there's a strong chance. Should you be, Yellowstone Girl? How much is she for, how much we need it? Three weeks for this romance?

Before she runs off and makes Jacob going to international adventure? Yeah. Three weeks or two weeks? I see these. I think two weeks. An intense two weeks that changes Jacob's life forever. An intense. It's going to cost us a lot in pussy.

It's going to be worth it. It is. But here's the thing. She has to fuck them like it's like a passion. Like they're going to be going at it like two times a day, three times a day on the weekends. Not fucking them. Making love. Yeah, right.

You have to make love to him. You have to look him in the eyes. When he cries, you cry. Oh, Jacob will cry. Oh, Jacob will cry. I bet after the third time they have sex, he's going to cry. She's, what's wrong, puppy? And she's going to be like, I just can't believe I found it.

Three times the... After three times having love to her. All right. Catch you crying in bed. No. And then she'll be like, puppy, what's wrong? And you're going to be like, I just, I just can't believe I found true love. Wait, go back to our stats.

Go down there. Yeah, what's it? Oh, 25. Okay, I thought it said 35. Perfect. How much? 25. It does not give pricing.

It does. 118. Go to our website. Market price. Market price. She's like a. She's like lobster? Yeah.

I like that. Keep it guessing. She's interested in men. All right, go back. Jacob, for sure, you're international for her. Keep going. She was very yellowstone, that girl. Wait, go up.

I mean, should I just click on college girls? Oh, yeah. If we want to get him, let's get him. You're right. Sorry, right. I forgot Jacob goes for a long line of pedophiles. I don't know what we're doing over here. college girls only nine

oh jacob right there but i bet seven of them that's not those are zero those are ads i think up there aren't they hmm yeah go back to gold no no no no go back to we're not made of money christie you don't go to gold go down it's just that first line i think is not

it's only nine it says and that's nine people all right let's see so no none of these no that's rachel ryan who right there is that the asian girl that's Survived the Titanic? No, that was a guy. Oh, that was a guy.

Well, she could have been a guy back then, and now she's a girl. Very possible. Times are changing. Times have changed. What about that little nerdy one with the glasses right down below her? What about that one? No, not for Jacob. No, Jacob?

He hates Asians. He knows who wants to be Japanese. He wants a little Japanese way. No, he hates Japanese women, though. No. He said they smell different. You like Japanese? You said they smell different?

Why? Like what? I don't know. Roodly said it. Like broth? Ginger. Did they smell like... What do they smell like...

Wasabi and ginger? Why would you say that? Broth, ginger and wasabi? Fucking, what's that stupid... What's that stupid fish... Fish juice? Fish head? What's the fish?

Miso? Yeah, miso. They smell like... They smell like socks. Did you say that... Literally called fish sauce? Fish piss. Did you think Asian girls smell like wet socks?

Is that what you said? Damn you're fucked up. That's messed up, dude. Christine, go back to other prostitutes, please. Erosverified? Yeah, let's get the ones that are verified. So they're going to fuck us over here. We're not going to fuck you over, Jacob.

This is going to be love. Not her, but Sky for sure. Yeah, we can't go. No. No, he's not going to like that. Too much for him. Unless it's the tattoo of the Titanic. Absolutely.

Whoever this bitch is for sure. Hey, Jay, real quick thought, we pay our extra to get tattoos of things Jacob loves. I don't mind that. Like the Titanic. Absolutely. We could get, what else does he love? Nazi books.

Nazi books. Dumplings from that one place. I don't know. I don't know if I pay attention to Jacob a lot. I think something he said with knives. I like the girl. No, not her. Go back to the girl with the little,

does she have big tits and then small tits? She's got too much of a party energy going. No, not her. No, we need a loring. We need next door. Yeah, we're looking. Eras verified. Yeah, they're not really coming up on the arrow-verified page.

Slow down. Girl next door. Okay, go up. None of these. What about the one to the left over there? No way. Why? She's busted.

Go the other way. She's busted? Yeah, busted. I know what Jacob likes. I thought you didn't know anything like him. All right, go up. I think he's going to like Haley, for sure. Where's Haley?

I mean, geez. Jacob? I don't have her butt's big. You don't hate hair? Is the butt too big? But's a little big. The butt's big, but I don't know how big the butt is. Is that her fucking frame is so tiny.

She's a very tiny girl. She just looks like... She's trash. She looks like surgery and software. And she's not going to be able to pull off the acting job we need. She does look like AI. Get rid of her. Yeah, get rid of her.

Go back. She is not real. I don't want to see Brazil every time. I know here. Danielle is too old, clearly. Chloe's a bitch. Chloe's a bitch. Chloe is definitely.

only in Christine's head. Oh, hang on. Amber, maybe? Amber, where is she? All the way to the right. Amber, now she's a brunette. She's got, looks like natural boobs, but not. Little small waste.

Jacob, she's hot, huh? And she's got a big gap. I mean, that gap is big. She loves the party, Jacob. Come on, dude. Look at her gap, Jacob. That thing, the Titanic could make it through that without hitting anything. Absolutely.

Come on, Jacob. What about, if she... It looks like... I mean, they can't see this to people, but it looks like very different photo, different people, and it's the same girls. No, it doesn't. She changes her look a little bit of the hair. But for you, she's going to be the brunette. She's going to wear a sweater.

Go down to her stats. Turtle Neck. She's going to have corduroy's on. Yeah. She's got to have a backpack. She's 23. Full of books. She's 110 pounds.

She journals. She's in the couples men and women. Let's see what she says here. Go up to her. I'm going to read her thing here. I like it when there's tension. between us when our eyes tease before our hands do. I'm in the games, experiments, and pushing boundaries.

With me, it's never boring. I know how to make you want more. She sounds lovely. You're paying her. She likes me. Huh? What game she... Can I say something, though?

You're paying me. You're not even going to know that. Jacob, when you get to the top of the favela, you don't know what's going to happen. I have to make her like me? No. Yes, through a series of Donkey Kong like rescues of her. Constantly climbing, favelas to get to the top and defeat the giant monkey throwing barrels at you. Don't forget

with the new friend. You have a little thing that's going to die for you. Don't forget about a little thing who's going to actually take a sword in the chest for you, I think. Come on. This is an adventure of a lifetime. Come on, what are we talking about? Bobby, that was a good sales tactic. All right, come on. That's enough of this. We got you. We're doing it. You're doing this. Two weeks of your life that are going to be so, oh my God, exciting. Vanessa Blue. Bring up Vanessa Blue. I'll tell you Because I got to be surprised. He didn't seem to like Ember the way I thought he was going to. I thought Ember might have been the one.

Vanessa Blue might be the one. Okay. Oh, now Black Lou says Vanessa Blue is Jacob's style. Oh, look at this. She's a brunette. She's very petite. Looks petite. Look how smiley he is.

She's got around little, she's got to think, what is that, a B cup? I bet she's got 32B. We see, we get see it on a look at her stats. I bet she has a really fucking flappy, beefy pussy. Yeah, but can she act? Jay. Can she act? Does she role play?

She's 23. She's Middle Eastern and white. Oh, boy. She's out. Oh, fuck. You know what he is. It's also in call only, which means you have to go to some weird place to meet her.

Forget her. I'm not getting on her handler killing me. Forget about it. Well, hang on. Let me tell you about her. I need her handler squashing me like a grape. Well, before you think that's what's going to happen, let you just find out.

She's Vanessa Blue. She's sweet when you first meet her, a little dangerous once you get closer. She loves playful, conversations, teething smiles in that moment when eye context has more than words ever could. Smart, soft and confident in her femininity, she enjoyed subtle tension, slow chemistry, and a tension that feels effortless. She appreciates good energy, a sense of humor, and she likes the party as well.

With her, it's never rushed and never boring. Get closer. She promises she's even better in person. Can I say something? Jake, if you're going to write a girl that you wanted, I think you would write exactly those words. eye contact tension Nazis, Titanic Titanic

Distink whistle It seems like you have to win all of them over I'm here with my friends We're looking for fun and love Yeah she's looking for love Jacob you think these girls are doing this Because they want to? They're waiting to meet a guy like you Yeah they all want to be a pretty woman

Why don't you be the first person ever tell Or let me take you away from all this Yeah let me take you to a one bedroom in Queens Tell you Titanic facts And never... You want it fun? And never get takeout. I'll always cook at home

and I'll walk to get it. Jacob, no guys ever thought to tell these girls that you could take them away from this and make their life better. Yeah, dude. You have a one-bedroom full of books and movies on the Titanic.

You got an opportunity here to be the first man history to tell a fucking escort, prostitute, or a porn star that you're going to fucking get her out of that. And never happened before. You can take her away from all this junk. I look at all these women

and the only thing I think about is the Russian handler that's going to kill you. Well, that's only, this is in-call. You're right. Get away to this, Christine. We need some out-call here. This girl's got to be involved in a fucking international espionage scheme.

We need out-calls only. Rachel's too fucking thick-butted, I think. And you don't want Asian. You know Asian, right? Yeah, Rachel also has a thick face. What the fuck's on Rachel's face? I don't know. What?

You like an Asian? It's a strong-d-law. Asian is good. What out of the brunette, blonde, or Asian, what would you rather have? How about this fucking Middle Eastern guy named Rachel? If it's a Japanese woman and their family takes you in and you get to, like, wear all the traditional clothes. Oh, my God. Like your agent?

You're so happy. You know, you can tell them you know how to make the egg. But they, like, really accept you. She'll be cooking the ramen. You're like, I got the eggs. Yeah, I know I do it perfectly. No, you got an egg. You be like, shh-sh, I got the egg.

She's like, oh, he don't make eggs. Suki, your new boyfriend, take a big ribatie with the egg. And then you walk up with the eggs in your hand, and you bow and you hand it, and then the father takes it and I hand you the egg. I take the egg from your hand. How is the egg, sir? Does it live up to your family's tradition? The egg?

No good. What is this? At-home pictures? I just want to see what Montana is. Christine, that looks like one of your friends. She's got purple hair and a fucking weird ass. There's three Montana escorts. One's got a fucking dump ass.

It looks like everybody Christine has taken a photo with on her Instagram. Who's that? What's her name? Paola. Paola. Hey, Christine. Look at this that shit. Luxury.

Oh, God. So depressing. Luxury's top tier out there, though. Go back to the other one. She's got a little... One on the other here. Her tits are coming out of her thing, but not to be sex. See, that's just where they are now.

Yeah, go back to the one with the ass. The dump butt, yeah, I want to see Dump Butts pictures. Yeah, look at Dump Butts. Oh my God, look, she washed up. Yeah, in the ocean. Yeah, so I'm saying. The pictures of her just hitting land from the water. That's how she takes her.

Sadly, they're real photos of her at the beach. Oh, man. She seems like a lovely chick, though. Yeah, she seems like she passes out of the beach a lot. I got to, standing up, I've walked away from a place with where. in my life. I mean, look, if we're going to be honest, I would definitely fucking, I would definitely hook up with him.

I'm like, I know we'd all fuck her. I don't know about Jacob. If that came up to me in Skankfest around two at night when I was on my scooter back to my room, I would definitely throw that tubby shit in the back. 2 a.m. Skankfest, this would be like, yeah, all right, I'll get it wrong.

Sure. I'd wash this stink off her butt. She's in the salt water. She's getting clean. Yeah, dude. It's fucking God's dish. You have to dunk that bitch in the Mississippi before I took it back.

Goddush. Yeah. I mean, what about that one, Jacob? Is that a no love? Let's look at her. Give me her write-up. I want to see her write-up.

I got her write-up is like, look, I'll do whatever you want. Just pay me. About me. Hi, I'm Paola. The beautiful girl you've been daydreaming about. I'm a full-time student, part-time glamour model.

Yeah, I love that it's daydreaming and not night-dreaming, because you have to be kind of awake to even think of that. And occasional companion and when the mood or the right company calls for it. I have a soft spot for nice dinners. Spontaneous, I bet.

It's in her knees. Right our legs. Yeah. Her ass. She has a soft spot for, oh, Bobby, this is good for us. Hang on a second. She has a barrel chest. Dude, if we can get this woman carved up to be with Jacob wants,

listen to what she says here. She's got a soft spot for nice dinners. Spontaneous getaways. That would be really good for our international thing. And she also is Hispanic, keep in mind. But they do speak Portuguese, so we would have to go, we'd have to change locations to maybe Guatemala or Nicaragua or somewhere else. Literally anywhere else.

Every one of those places, also, any one of those places must have stacked house shitholes neighborhoods, right? I assume they're all pieces of shits, awful places. Brazil has the famous favelas, but yes, other Colombia. But they're all pieces of shit just full of. Bogota has it. Poor garbage. Tijuana looks pretty gnarly.

Colombia, right? That's disgusting. Yeah, Colombia. Yeah. I mean, it's not disgusting, but yes. It's been fucking sick. It's gross. No, it's a nice way.

Houses made of their own shit. Well, you know why the reason why they don't finish the top of the houses when you see these places? Because you can't get poop to stick to a top up like that? Well, if you are still constructing your house, a lot of these houses you'll see built on top of one another and then they'll have like beams going up. Like they're going to, they stop building is because they don't have to pay taxes. until the house is finished. And if it never gets finished, they don't have to pay taxes.

And the idea that the part they shouldn't finish would it be the roof? The roof, yeah. Like they kind of build it up a little bit like they're continuing, but they don't. That's a fun fact. It's a sad fact.

Why don't you look that up, Christine, and prove me wrong like you love... I mean, immediately. What a bad person. That's great if you can just keep building your house and never pay taxes. Not here in a third world country.

No, there. It's still nice way to know. piece of shit place? Jacob wants to jerk both of us off real quick. Is it time? We're going to have to take a break. Big Jay. What do you feel my tension?

Yeah, you're right. Guys, if there's a girl out there, please, please, just get in touch with us. We want to make this fantasy happen. But you can't have a job where it's going to cause a problem when we have to send you away to a foreign country to be, quote unquote, rescued by Jacob. You have to speak Spanish. Or Portuguese. We can go back to Brazil if you speak Portuguese.

Either way, I need this guy in a kayak and a river. Yeah. Dricking out of Bobby's river straws. Oh, and we need a little kid, too, to play little things. Oh, a little thing. And you should be gender ambiguous looking. You know you are, you know you are, a little weirdo. You can be 30, but you have to look 12.

Yeah. Big J. Ocasin's going to be in Spokane Comedy Club this weekend, June 5th and 6th. Then the Pantage Theater in Minneapolis, June 12th. And then the Egyptian theater in Boise, Idaho. June 13th. After that, he's going to be in Buffalo, Harrisburg, PA, and Winnipeg for tickets and tour dates. Please go to BigJ Comedy.com. YouTube.com slash at big jokes and get your tickets now for this guy.

All his shows are selling out. He is one of the hottest comics out there. So if you want to go see him, don't wait. Get him now. And Bobby Kelly's going to be governors in Levittown, June 19th and the 20th. Then the comedy mothership in Austin, Texas, July 3rd to the 5th after that. Port Smith, New Hampshire. Is that one thing?

Yeah, Port Smith, New Hampshire. I said two places. Get the date for that. Port Smith, New Hampshire. Sarat, Sarat, Toga Springs, Brooklyn, New York, all on deck. For tickets and all tour dates, visit punchup.com. Check out his YouTube channel at Robert Kelly Comedy.

And, of course, every Tuesday night, including tonight, the Fat Black Pussy Get Lounge, the comedy cellar. See him run that six fat. Right back. It's the bonfire.