The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Too Much To Handle

Episode Date: May 26, 2021

A caller topic about sexual surprises leads to the guys revealing times that they got over-excited!Stream "The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson & Dan Soder" for 3 months free on the SiruisXM app! Offer Details Apply: www.SiriusXM.com/Bonfire Follow us on all social media @TheBonfireXM@DanSoder www.DanSoder.com@BigJayOakerson www.BigJayComedy.com#CrackleCrackle

Hey, it's Big J. Okerson and Dan Soder. Welcome to the Bonfire Podcast. We'll have new episodes every morning, Tuesday through Friday, you want more Bonfire. You can hear our full show every day on SiriusXM. You can go to SiriusXM.com-slash-Bonfire for a special three-month offer. The Bonfire! The Bum Fon! We have a fun caller topic so we'll put it out there so we can get them as the show goes on. Lou, we're a pair of take calls. Oh yeah? Hell yeah.

The number is something. It's on your t- it's on your radio right now. RIP Brendan, God but not for God. God but not forgotten. Or maybe radio right now. I P Brendan gone but not forgot gone But not forgotten or maybe he's dead. I don't know. He's in a haunted house And I definitely found a term for him which is he's sneaky sexy. Yeah, he's a real sneak He was he's guy he cleans up real nice. He does like the library and he's the male version of the library and taking out her hair You do a you do a mustache like just a mustache or handlebar mustache. I'm like you got to be good looking because everyone's gonna make funny for it and then at the same time I'm gonna be like, I have to be fucking pulling them off. To all our listeners ladies and gay men who would want to know, I

would say Brendan would be pretty nice looking coming out of pushing up out of a pool. Oh absolutely. Yeah and I'm and he's from Kentucky so you know he's probably gay for pay. You know, just a couple bucks. It's fun. You know, go oaky, Newtlin. We were talking about what you said would be a good caller subject was any story is open to all please all callers male and female of someone getting undressed for the first time you're having sex. And you seeing a thing that's just like, you're like, I gotta get past this.

Like a birthmark that just sucks, or a dick that's too small, or nipples that are weird. Nipples that are, as we're going on, strength, or strength. Yes, but like yes, medical damage. Yeah, if you see one of those, like, you know the soft pink scar tissue that heals

Yeah, but if you just saw like a trail of that across someone's body like a gnarly one Yeah, and then they find they go oh yeah, I was in a magic accident So I wasn't magic he was drunk. The guy was a magic you forgot to tell me I got to get in only one side of the box It was a cousin. It was a family picnic. It got weird. He got a couple of zig-zagz in before you figured out he was cut into my torso. But I've known people like that. I remember working with a guy that one time picked up a shirt to show me a scar and I thought it was going to be a cool moot, you know? But instead it just looked like a blotches skin on his side and you're like, oh shit,

you look like a cannibal. Yeah, we need something like that some fucking weird shit that you just had to get past and do it or you were just like It's too much and I can't so like oh this is my what's that called the festival twin that was never born? Oh, man if you guys I just have an eyeball and an eyebrow on my our shoulder. All right. You want the good news? I got a thick don't want the bad news got a quaddo head on And it's pretty opinionate So you're the slutty brat home today. You go shut up dude. Yeah, shut up Derek You guys never cool name like what always got a regular. Yeah, shut Derek. My brother Derek shut up Derek My brother Derek try not Derek. I know what you said Derek. She's hot your stupid. Oh, she stinks like shit. Yeah

She know go for us. He grows. Oh, dude. She's beautiful Derek stop. Oh, I think your brother bit me on the ribs Because yeah, he only likes tens He's basically a baby beautiful. You're beautiful. You're just he's very high standard You're very jiggly Look at her arms wiggle when she ride you at there I mean our third our third nipples are real thing they're real thing right oh yeah my buddy Mikey've had one but he was Very Italian, very tan, and a... Mark Norman shape. Oh, okay.

So like, and it didn't like that. So if it makes sense, it was like, he is nipped, both the other nipples were small, and in the right place, perfect nipples, and then just like, almost a tiny duplicate of the other one, like sort of under the, like, whereas Peck comes back into his torso. So it doesn't really, it's not gross.

And not at all. You would just think it's like a, you think it's like a birthmark or something, but when you look at you get close on you go, oh shit, there's like a little like, it's like an aria on a nip. Yeah. It's like Cindy Crawford's mole, you know? It like that helped her out. You're like, oh, what a distinguishable.

There's people that are more freaks. Yes, it was very similar to that. To the top right. more freaks. Yes, it was very similar to that. To the top right. To the top. Yeah. Very, very similar to that, except Mikey, honestly, even being thin, just had a better chest. And he was tan, and his regular nips were better than that.

So, good was Mike. Good job, dude. Good job on the bod. He's a handsome fella. I think he went to, got all fucked up for years, but I think snap back big. You used to get some hot pussy for a guy. Maybe he was gay.

You know, that went so many places. It did just went to the... I think I've told the story, if I have, please stop me. But this girl came back who worked at the pool hall, which was a very hang thing in South Jersey. You know what I'm saying? Those are all spring steam lyrics.

Yeah, and like I didn't even know from the pool hall. She was hanging out. I think it was one of my coming home from New York's And my mom still the same my mom's house. Yeah, and seeing them all the diner. Okay, all my friends I see why to their cars the diner so I go all going hang out but they were already forming New friendships a gang it turns out that no one took seriously What was the name of the gang second mafia dude? Oh dude? All right. Yeah, I wasn't about let's see second mafia go up against my middle school The gang I wasn't in Pimple and crew I

Was not in the second mafia and then they told me that I would laugh and make a lot of jokes back I was jealous. I wasn't in it and then I wasn't and then Maybe part of me was bum that I wasn't even asked to be in you know what can I tell you something? Yeah, someone that was deemed too much of a pussy. Yeah to be in pinpoint crew. Yeah, I get it Yeah, but also at the same time like it was much It was such an easy thing to laugh at But you're like thank God I wasn't in position where you guys were all let's do this in car So if something cuz I was like I may have lost him as friends that day

Yeah, I can't think when I was like yeah guys come on. Let's also how old are you? I found though. I told you I found a book one time Well someone left a book a notebook in my car and it had the pecking order of the second mafia And it was like you know some some treasure this is gonna be big how old were how old were you? 19 okay. Yes. We were 13 so this is oh this is way worse. Yeah, we're talking about kids on bikes You're talking about adults. Yeah, they were just all led by like our one black friend uh not one black friend but they were just led by a black friend of ours uh named Dave who uh Christine met I believe actually in San Diego he he's when it was a rapper

and like he just kind of led them does he ever try to get like yeah you should play me on the bonfire no never has it all actually I actually really was great to see him when I saw a man he's a very talented guy man he's a good dude and seems like he has a life in Atlanta and does this thing he still performs in shit so um but he was just like their leader of like cool so he thought I think it would be a fun idea so they did they put decals in a car and all kind of shit they were nothing it was literally nothing it was a bunch of like good

boys from uh decent family but so they weren't doing like crimes. They were just like hey, we're a group of people not crimes at all But they were doing a no they were just like Let people know if we get into a fight. We're all on this fight. It was that kind of shit. Okay See they don't have when we don't play basketball into their neighborhoods basically they knew I'd make fun of it enough so they didn't tell me but they they win as far as to make a hierarchy isn't that crazy they did goes for the car yet Mike Vada was in that group and I got I got shit for playing with guys yeah I got you for playing with guys you guys are playing gang and I get you for playing with that who the fuck am I no this story's gonna be fun because I don't know if

it's gonna let you know how not game or how gay I may be I don't know doesn't seem it though no you know the correct thing which is you would have dropped them oh day yeah if they were like we're gonna we you have sure but I'm saying the story about Mike where I said Mike maybe Mike's gay so Mike Mike he was with the second mafia we were hanging out the diner and they had two girls who were pool rack girls from the pool hall pool all I don't know if it's across the board I've really like haven't done many pool halls in my life but they would have like hot chicks who worked there that would like when you were gonna play another game when a game was over their

job was kind of coming on like a wait like a waitress almost I give like a hooters vibe like they and they rack. And they rack the, they rack the balls for you. Oh, yeah. So you called them rack girls. I thought you were saying racked girls. No, rack. What kind of dirty sluts are we about to learn about? Girls that just go around pool halls

and they're like, you know what, really gets me going? Minnesota fat. I kind of think you call those shots. They would, they would, they would rack the balls. They came to the diner and they were hanging out. I was being, I thought maybe to a degree, pretty charming. Maybe I think I was feeling confident because I was maybe working a little bit in New York

or some or even in the black circuit I was doing well. Maybe so when I would come back, I treated almost like, I was coming back like, hey, I'm their famous friend who just pops down their way. Oh, hey, me, it's me, Vinny Chase. But I'm just back in Queens. Yeah. Oh, yeah. It's your entourage.

It's a diner and filly with a fake gang. So we get me and Mikey are talking to the one and she likes Mikey. No, for sure. And Mikey's the third nipple Italian, third nipple Italian. Good looking kid though. We go back to. He's a real three nipkinzo.

If you know what I mean, it's fucking guy me him and her for some reason. Go back to, um, we go back to my mom's house. Sure. And we're just downstairs like hand with a sleep. And we're downstairs kind of hanging out and Something I'm be starting playing truth or dare wait one on one truth or dare not me her and him. Oh wait, okay And like I think me and him are in our mind. We're like this poor acro may give it to us both

It ends so much sillier than that though, but over playing through the there this girl essentially wants me to dare her to have sex with him She's she's giving you the look like hey Dare me. He's desperately trying not to you know what a fucker does not has no interest but Well, I mean maybe as interesting general. He's just like no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Always like If you want to go these high stairs, that's a good idea That is especially that's cool cuz hey I'm also snakered or whatever it's a good spot a bit But no, I wasn't that bold at all But I definitely was like if this gets going I'm like oh maybe this is gonna be like it's gonna happen She was such a hot Dits you know, I mean yeah, and then so she wanted to so they finally like

He goes in the other room with their first say they come back in the room And like under a minute and he is like now and she was almost like Hurt by not her but she was just kind of sad. She's like we couldn't get it up or something or whatever it was like It was just like I don't think he was into her. Do you think it was the Iverson poster just staring at him? No, dude if anything was gonna make you pop off it was that Iverson poster It was him doing a sick finger all over a fucking Tall park. I can't remember who but he's giving the biz It was so nice. Yeah, now that would get anyone from Philly go and do that one you go. Sorry

Maybe pop so fast. Maybe that's what it was maybe came Now he did because she was kind of like and she was kind of like warm really horny like I want to get off So he said that in the living room like came back in it was like yeah, cuz kind of like, well I'm really horny like I want to get off. So she said that in the living room like came back in it was like yeah because Mike was like, yeah so that the thing I think the most I could like suggest that she was like, yeah that seems fun was just all of us playing with ourselves in the same room. Nice dude little game of telephone. And, uh, and then I just remember, it just happens so, she's like, she was so hot this chick, you know,

we're like young, you know, so like. And she was doing like, uh, like hot upset girls. She's like, knowing horny, and I've got nothing to do or no. We could all jerk off in front of each other. So I suggest that, of course, I sit in a fucking kitchen chair right directly across from her,

and she does like a legit like, just takes her one side of her pants off and spreads her like and she was just so hot. So I stand up and she sings, I was like, I'm walking over there, we're like, I'm like, can we come on you? Is it cool if we come on you? And she was like, yeah, it's fine,

but I was already just sort of happening. She's like, yeah, it's fine. I'm like, and then I was like, I think everybody has to leave. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. That story went to you into 60 fast. Yeah, I think everybody has to leave. Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa. That story went zero to 60 fast. Yeah, I knew it was all at once. Were you like, was it like a zombie walk?

It went zero to 60 because I'm telling you, Was it a zombie walk over? I was like, are you like, are you happening? Yes, it was gonna be like on her or like, or I was gonna like turn away, but I put it up. My point of the story, why it was zero to 60 is, I mean, you guys can make questions you want. I'm just saying, it was zero to 60. I was like I think she or wherever was I want to get off

And I'm like well, we get all get ourselves off. It's free country, right? If you want she was like that sounds pretty cool or whatever and then she's like I set back like just pulled my Probably raging hard from everything that's happened so far She's already like showed her tits and pussy and everything so I pull pull out my dick, rage, and then she just opens her leg. I said, this is the situation. I'm just staring at her. Was so sexy what she did that I came in, I mean, under 10 seconds of jerking.

I just started going to go, okay, we're gonna do this. It's happening now. And I was like, can we, is it a cool free, oh God. You really just just touched the trick. You picked the gun up by the trailer immediately You're just like oh fuck it's all dude, but it was just like to couch the like I'm on every day this girl just like I've never seen you just yeah, but she's spread eagle as I mean my step-pop could have looked over the It could have been like caught the whole thing was so broke your brain

It broke my brain and I came so fast and then like she came and then Mike just like set They're like slapping his limp dick and then split so here's the thing. Maybe I'm so gay. I didn't care that I was there Yeah, or I'm so not homophobic and straight that I was just focused on doing something with this chick. That is I think that was weird He went the next day And killed him. No, I think she he went the next day No, I think she was upset the next day he went and told the friends like that he did like the old like a she was like a slut Bob a blot. I was like dude. What do you do that? That chick was fucking right? Don't break her spirit. She's awesome as a 43 year old

I realize that she's probably a broken human being who had a lot of damage to do all that stuff But at 19 also dude. She's a beer commercial 19 also I was like dude this chick wanted to do all she was Here It's all happening. Yeah, she was like, it's okay if I touch my stuff. I'm finishing, it's happening. I'm sorry. I'm already done and I'm upset about it.

Yeah, and then it was like as soon as she came and he was like, now I was like, you guys gotta go. This girl I hooked up with in New Mexico was like, you, it was one of the first weekends I ever emptied. And I'm still to this day, not sure if she was a working girl or not, but we hooked up and she was so hot and I came so fast that I was like, it's hot. Oh So did you enjoy the show Get for the show you have water just

And I was staying with it. We were staying with a magician and then by the by the time I Was ready to like have sex again. She was like, oh my brother's picking me up soon. I was like oh well It's nice Hooker not a hooker. I hope that's really your brother really. Yeah, it was weird, man I was hoping on a hooker that's really your brother. No, I didn't say that. Oh No, I was like it's very nice to meet you. You're so nice It's like okay. I was yeah, dude. I remember buying a six pack of Miller high life and going back to the comedy condo

It was laughs and albuquerque This girl just met me after the show and I was like I know and then we were at the same bar We went to the same bar. They were and she's like hey, we should hang out. I was like What's up? What's your girl? Yeah? Yeah? What's going on? Go back to your place? Fuck my mom pay you My mom told that I was depressed. This is really what it was. I was staying with, it was like me and this,

she had watched the show. He was like a dirty magician. And it was like, you know, albacurky. So we're not talking about a, like a real cool. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck. Yeah, that's fucking.

And then she was like, let's go back. And then she's like, my brother will drive us. And I'm like, he's your brother. And he was just cool with it. He's like, hey, it's cool. It was she was like, let's go back. And then she's like, my brother will drive us. And I'm like, he's your brother. And he was just cool with it. He's like, hey, it was weird. There was something weird about it, right? Didn't feel comfortable. But I was like, if I get murdered,

so will this magician. And he has a family. So that's how I'm going to find out. Oh, will he? You think he's dead, but. Oh, smoke bomb gone. Yeah. Where'd he go?

You blew my mind, man. And for that, you live. He's like, this is great. And for that you live. He's like, this is great. And for that you can live. Yeah, but that's, I get the so hot you come fast thing. It's just the excitement. Guys who in there like 19, I think I was 21 with that happened.

22? I was like 19. Yeah, and you're just so excited. That's when you realize young men are such assholes because they're just such pimples ready to pop. Imagine how many times happens for it to her. Oh my god, it must be that many times Yeah, just guys a quickly the apology to where she's been on or whole life Everyone's coming and being like I'm so sorry. It's just you smell so delicate and that's in your hot. Because women men don't hot men don't have that with like women were women do they were there just like like a like a like a guy that's like please don't and they're just

like I'm coming I'm coming too much. I'm soaked. Oh, so nice. They don't change completely. No they get that's not the thing thing i think they get the gush they get the wet they get the wet gush but they don't uh... they reach hearts of that if you see christines is from there with our call you get the gush and uh... what a topic they get the a good day for your pop-up on salacious day

uh... he can hear uh... He happened to take his head funds out to. I get a lot of push. Oh, Jay. He chose to not listen to this part. That's funny. He's like, this is is out of what he went. He just, no, no, no, he just happened to have gone down to get a sandwich. So he hasn't put it back in. Oh, so he can eat on air, but the star can't. Boo, hoo. No, A lot of them are going to eat hot tuna.

I have some hot tuna. Mother road again. Mother road again. Mother road again. Mother road again. Mother road again. Mother road again. Mother road again.

Mother road again. Mother road again. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before. We should take one of these calls before we take our first break because man There's three that mean that last one is just yeah, Bryce talk about Arizona, Zona, Bryce and Arizona Bryce you're on with the bonfire Bryce you're out with big J in the water head Bryce Hey, we got you Bryce Alright cool. What's up crack crack crack crack crack crack, man. Stoke your fire. Is that a his line? Did you just come up with that? I don't know with the

pour some gas on it. Yeah, Bryce, send the pour some gas on it. Ha! Well, there's a lot. So I'm a freshman in high school. I think that makes me about like 15, 16 and mind you, almost 300 pound freshmen freshman so i'm taking whatever i can a lot of them look like that to me go unfortunately that's great but i'll tell you this though but you were doing but you were but you're fucking is a freshman

yeah i started when i was twelve i bet it wasn't my dad i know what you probably think it but uh... briske can ask you question what? What is your past block and like is a 14-year-old way of 300 bills? Oh Yeah, you coming in a 300 pounds. You can give me any kind of run block son. I can get you a full education in School You want an athlete price? No, I was just lazy fat. I just kind of sat around and did nothing but well fuck i guess but yeah you got pussy dude you're getting plus you're still finding people to have

sex with what's the story of someone getting undressed it was a girl that i had been dating for a couple months and uh all of a sudden she she she has a lump on you know in her vagina well automatically worried that it can't hurt she went to the doctor and they told her that that she was still going through puberty that she had more testosterone and a girl supposed to have

and that that lump was actually a testicle playing inside of her. Damn! How big was it? Some of you do some science research on that. That sounds like the joke they made because of that lump. Can you grow a testicle if you don't have one? Well, it's not like that. It's it's not like in a fact. It was just like a lump under her Just like a loose ball. Yeah, free float nut Yeah, I mean, well and she was gonna get it taken off and they had to like pump it up

Like they had to make it even bigger than it Reebok she like pump it up like they had to make it even bigger than it Yeah, like a Reebok shoes pump pump it up Get your nut all pumped up You fucked it anyway, right? Yeah, absolutely. I mean I was 16 didn't stop me, but the fuck that thing is is she and I believe in me a week later What another. If the all I got must have fucked the nuts off of her. Yeah, dude.

I found out someone I like to play hold on. Did you say you were a 16 year old freshman? I can't. I was a freshman. I just don't remember what I was a freshman. Yeah, I think it's like I was just wondering because Jacob, I thought you'd laugh harder at my joke. I just made also I thought you guys would be impressed that I knew man. That's evil. Jacob, but dude, you find in that out was she cool about it?

Or was she like super embarrassed and like oh man? I mean cuz you find them yeah But she dumped him. That's a weird thing to be like you know, I got a nut and I still don't care at that age At that age if if I'm banging you and you got an inverted testicle inside your pussy and then you dumped me a week later like I'm telling everyone I'll tell you what I'm doing I'm kicking you in the nuts. Oh hell yeah. You got to kick hard you got to kick deep you got to get through those layers, mnoris and mnoris. She's said you got to get through the vulva and all that shit and make your way into where the nut lives. Bryce do you know what happened to her? like did she get the nut taken out i guess i mean she was scheduled to get it taken out not long before she broke up with me or not long after she broke up with me i don't know if she ever went and did it though i she cheated on me with some dudes that i guess i can't

say his name but she cheated on me with some dudes that had a ridiculous name and that i just never heard anything else i'm ever again damn I kind of want to know what you're when we put we're gonna put you out hold zone out this is ridiculous name is I would say it but I know we'd probably legally get in trouble I don't know I just said Mike might be gay I must be know about a patch of junction Arizona not a whole lot in fact zero at all it's good place to bury a body is my guess. I don't know, I heard there's chicks with nuts growing in them. Yeah.

Steers, queers, and chicks with nuts. She got tits and bits. You want to try this one, Jay? Sudo, her... Sure. Sudo, her math, her... Sudo, her math road dittism. Yeah.

Sudo, her math frittism. No, Sudo, her math, fro dittism. Yeah, pseudo her math frittism. No, pseudo her math fro dittism. Damn. Yeah, that extra one's in there. Yeah, she's becoming a guy girl. She's becoming a man. Jamie Lee Curtis, dude. That's a lie, I think, but they always said that.

But you know what, you're in good company, Bryce. Yeah, you can say you fucked. If you go, I fucked a girl in a vertitestical you like like Jamie Lee Curtis there you go That's like that's all I need to hear that's all you gotta do that's I don't have to find out that this girl was such a SOW HOWNED that she grew Guy parts and a neckbeard I added those other parts or just tell everybody that she grew up on your power lines or Just tell everybody she grew up to B's Akamiko. It's pretty good.

Still fucking a pseudo celebrity. What a donna you ending. You're still fucking a pseudo celebrity instead of fucking a pseudo or her math or a diatism. Nailed it. Hello doctor. Yes. Bryce, thanks for calling in.

It is in, it's the bonfire. I know that for sure. You've been listening to SiriusXM's bonfire! New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on SiriusXM! See you next time!