The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Total Phonies

Episode Date: September 7, 2020

DJ Lou cemented his status as number one Pearl Fan this week after commissioning a portrait of his hero Eddie Vedder. Calise Hawkins joins the show as Jay angers over Christine's love of poetry.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Hey, I'm Big J. Opersoon. And I'm Dan Soder, and you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th 8PM on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bonfire SXM. Camper is what's up. It's your boy, Black Lou. Welcome to the Bonfire's Best of the Week. DJ Lou cemented his role as the number one Pearl Jam fan this week after

commissioning a portrait of his boy Eddie Vetter. DJ Lou, before we start, I want to make sure you tuned up over there. Everything tuned up. I see you got your electric tuner on your X. I just want to make sure you all tuned up. I see you got your all as you get your electric tune or on your on your hats So I want to make sure you all tuned up Every good mine. How are we starting this riff in a G or a D minor? I say drop D this thing and let's just go real like Oh, I'm with it there it is outside Oh man, do you think your neighbors are like, dude, he's fucking ripping again. Yeah, Rami, full gommel.

That's his warm-ups. Ha, ha, ha. And they're like, guys, I think something's about to start. Don't call me daughter. Oh, I think something's about to start. Don't call me daughter. Oh, daughter. World. The earth is fair. It's like, it's like Pavlovian and it wakes his neighbors up.

Is that pro Jim? Is that pro Jim? You got your mouth? No, I used to have one and I wore it as a necklace Roman neck for eight years. It fell off my Oh my Christ Yeah, I think a lot of shit for my accessories, but that is the accessories of a 14 year old girl in 1996. Yeah, man, that is.

I wore it in my late 30s, early 40s and it fell off after eight years. The great Mike McCready gave it to me. I mean, how he didn't give it to you. It's so he ended to me. Yes, he did. From stage. No, he was at serious XM. Oh, no shit.

It's through your thing. Oh, you know, it's going to bum me out to know how many people got that pick that day. Everything went and walked them and goes, my guy's been seeing really big thing. He goes, yeah, here. Yeah, he goes, oh, thanks for supporting the band. And they go, oh my god, you're pick. Yeah, he goes, here. Yeah, he goes. Oh, thanks. Thanks for supporting the band and they go, oh my God, you're pick.

Yeah, he goes, this is the one he goes. I wrote, I wrote all of horses with this. And then, you know, his assistant behind him is like, Mike, did you just really give that guy your pick? He goes, I got 300 of them down in the car. I'm trying to unload these things. I got pockets full of it. Yeah, dude, you pick a pocket.

There's one in there. You want one? Man, that's one better thing about being a guitar player with a John Popper. As John Popper has to have 16 pounds of harmonica on him for friends at all times. He has a night suit of armor amount of harmonica at all times and all of his pockets, all of his fish, fish vest pockets. Drummers are tough.

Drummers are tough. Well, the lead singer, all they want is, they're gonna want a picture no matter what. Guitar player can give the pick and do a walk away and he really did something for you. You're gonna feel. Popper can throw the harmonica your way and you're like, I just think that's something it probably costs at the shittiest one, 10 bucks.

Yeah. The highest value is Popper's harmonica. For sure. Highest value just fucking handed to you easily. Actually, now for sure. High highest value just fucking hand it to you easily. Actually, now I'm gonna say highest value is necklace made out of pick given to random person in the road for eight years until it fell off. That is sentimental, sentimental value absolutely. Five dance in drug and chain. Do you have the broken chains, Tolo? No, it's very upsetting. He lost it like in the world somewhere.

Did you throw it into a river? Were you like, goodbye, Mike McCready? You've haunted my dreams for eight years. It's enough. I must move on. I lost the embed with a lady. Whoa, you fucked it off you? I shod it.

I shod it. That shit. What happened was were you getting into light choke play and it clipped one over nails or rings? Just take that fucking pick off. You just smack me in the face. Yeah It's a good just a pic necklace is bouncing back and forth Hey, your diamond doesn't pick is hitting me in the teeth, bro. Oh, bro. Watch it bro. I'm we're doing Jersey girls L.A. It's all bro bro your chains like dingin me in the teeth

Hey guy You fucking pick open my bottom chin bro boss you either got a flip over Hey, huh listen you they're gonna fucking give me sideways and finish me off or this Chief you're gonna have to pull back or you're gonna have to take that fucking little Nancy Berneclis off. Hey, big guy, you either put my hand on your head or the concert's over. Big man, do me a favor, take off, lose the necklace.

Let me go over and tag it from the back. Hey, Chief, flip it and stick it, or let's get out of here. You wanna get sandwiches after this? Just so I have to sing progenms. I don't come fast. Long, we're still there. And breakfast table in here.

I'm losing it. I'm losing it. Oh, young girl. Fall in. Remember the moment in parallel. Well, they'll read a lot. I'll just keep doing progenms until Lua get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him.

I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him.

I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him.

I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm going to get him. I'm it's actually paint, but it's a whole process. When I come over, Lou, I'm gonna draw in his teeth purple to give him wine mouth. I just have a second bottle of wine. That is better, Lou, that doing that on Facebook than buying somebody a car.

Yeah, don't buy bunny a car. That was a scam, but this was not, I thought this was my advantage scam, but I called him up. You go, so I'm not scamming you. a scam, but this was not I thought this would might have been a scam, but I called him up You guys I'm not scamming you you go. Is this any better? He goes, oh man a little burn wood. It's just the thing I do, man A burn pictures of me in the wood. Oh, you guys want a picture of me if you say McCreedy He'll just give you a pick and make you act like you felt special for a little bit. Hey, Lou Pun intended, but but how thick is that

wood? Oh man. Oh, I'm pretty thick and Lou. Is it pretty thick? What is it's good quality? It's very thick and very heavy. I can't even hang it yet. Oh, what do you pay for it? How old is it? Would that set you back? Uh, 200 custom made. Okay. Is there a lacquer on it? Nope, no lacquer. $20 for a picture of a dude. Alright. It was airbrushed and paintbrushed using wood stain. Um, black liu is losing, losing so much respect for you.

The more you keep saying about it. He goes, also, I'm letting him crash my place for a couple weeks. Also, he's producing the show now. Also, he asked me if we could borrow like 20 bucks a day. He called it perd to him and laughed, but I don't know what that means. It's pretty cool. I'm not allowed to make eye contact with him because he says that it's threatening. So he makes me, he makes me watch him kiss my girlfriend's shoulders. I don't like it. Hi everybody. I'm DJ Lou Liu and on this week's quarantine

Lost Tapes, Kalees Hawkins hangs out while Christine tries to prove that she's a cultured lady who just loves poetry. Hey everybody, welcome back to the Bonfire Quarantine Tapes, Comedy Central Radio Series XM95, Big Joverson Dance Sodor, the whole crew. Of course we have Kalees Hawkins hanging out with us, our new album, Kaleice Hawkins is 40 AF available everywhere right now. Big J wrote, and I'm just gonna reach to the text, Kalice.

Yeah, poetry sucks, and Christine thinks it rules. It quotes, this is custom, I mean, fuck all. She is a phony asshole and then Christina A quote it rules She said it's great. I mean, I'm gonna dismantle those bullshit like the Rosa Kruehn is a natural talent core shit Jacob lap after Christine said I didn't say it's great what I said is you've never enjoyed a good poem and J wrote she loves it. Yet she called the New York and Poetry Cafe, the Nukka-Nukka poetry thing. LAUGHTER

Ah! Over there. The Nukka poetry thing. Is that the typo? The Nukka-Nukka? No, the eye wrote that. That's not the typo. No, I wrote that. I said, I said, just mean thought. I have a more time pronouncing your weekend

you still are the new year you said then she said the new can-nook in things that I was thinking poetry thing she called it I don't even know where they do slam poetry ever in East Village listen Christine her phony thing of saying I really like poetry made me oh my god It was infuriating you should make Christine go to a poetry open mic night Christine was

Reading a book of poetry you read it and then reflect do you read one of the yarn her camera? I like What's wrong with like a book of poetry? I bought a book of poetry, but I didn't get all the way through it. It's, I can't understand what they're talking about. You know in English class, when they go, well, this symbolizes, and they go, they take these leaps that you could never make. Well, the boat symbolizes the part in their marriage that was not a float. It's like, how did you do that?

Why are you doing that to this poem? He was just rolling going to vote. Christie, you know the exact same way about when people describe wine, where like this one, I'm okay with a little bit of earth in it. And you're like, you're fully shit. You don't know what you're talking about. Yeah. It's all sour grapes to me. Exactly. Yeah. It just gets you fucked up noise. Yeah. Yeah. Christie, I suck, but Christine, bring me your book of poems, please.

Bring the book of poem. bring me your book of poems, please. Bring the book of poems! Bring me your book of poems! Check this horse shit out. She's currently reading a book of poems. Oh, all I read is Calvin and Hobbs. That's how it's getting so educated. They're Bukowski poems, too. How?

How dark. Oh're Bukowski poems too. How? Charles Bukowski. How dark. Oh, Bukowski. Oh. Oh. Do you want to give us a reading? Can we give you a little piece? This one is called Communion.

Horses running with her miles away, lashing with a fool. Malkini Hydrogen bomb, and her miles away, laughing with a fool. The banking system, bumper jacks, She's a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like a little more like is try to go like, oh, I'm not just watching TV on quarantine. I'm doing some productive, I'm reading books. I just don't read books, and realize she doesn't want to read books. I was right when I told her before, all those years are reading books were stupid. There's movies and television that you can do instead

of those stupid books, but she wants to feel like she's doing something proactive and reading. And what better to just read if you don't really feel like reading and just skimming through a bunch of horseshit one page post. That's not true. I like reading. I like reading, you're just skimming through a bunch of horseshoet one page polls. That's true. I like reading. I like reading as an activity.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Like, when you read a really good poem, do you feel like tingles? Nope. Christine, do you think you could go enjoy a night of poetry if you went towards your death? I fucking challenge her too,

and shut the hell up the whole time. I went with a non-comedian friend, like Michelle like Michelle who goes down has non-synical fun. Mm-hmm. Go watch, go watch poetry Michelle. And don't talk the entire time. Pay attention every word and tell me how each one makes you feel. Jot down how it makes you feel. You fucking phony asshole.

It makes me furious. You're so phony. Yeah. I will also go hiking. I also love the beach. These are all things I love that Jay doesn't like. I'm all for culture, Christine. I'm going to get to the symphony

when this shit opens back up. I would love to go to the symphony. Christine is getting genuinely wound up. Christine would be bored to her gourd at the fucking symphony. Well, guess what? She's going to watch a three-act symphony when we get back in the world.

Christine doesn't like many things that I like. I'm fine with that. I don't like many things that she likes, but she lies about things she likes to sound cultured. And it's, I don't know. You know, I told anybody I liked poetry. You did.

I didn't come on the show and go, guys, I've been reading this really great book of poetry, she really get into it. You've been, you've been like carrying that book around, asking, wait, ask you about it. I know. Just to find the thing of the quarantine carrying on a book of poetry and having reading glasses on. I gotta tell you though Jay, let's say like she does like the sympathy.

If Christine likes the symphony, I would say you should take her just for this one simple reason, right? I have seen Christine for years, right? And this is not, it's the second point I'm about to make. I've seen her for years watch you on stage. That's not my point. My point is when I see her watching you, she loves comedy and she loves watching you on stage. She's glowing, she's like radiating.

She's so full of joy. And so for you to see her watch a symphony, it might be worth it, even if you don't like the symphony, because she just, bass, I believe in by the way, in you, by the way, this is what the only thing that sucks about this show is I don't, I have to disclaimer that I'm busting Christine's balls. I

don't give a shit about any of the. It's just fun. The buster fucking chops, but no, she did. Listen, she does watch me in glow because she knows that's what's bringing home the buzzer fucking chops, but no she does listen she does Watch me in glow because she knows that's what's bringing home the bacon so she could Glow when I watch rent I glow when I watch Fossi Gay Yeah She watches she watches me with the same verb she has for an eight song Read women by the cast because I think he'll relate

Women whoa Author you would relate to more about you just said are you trying to get me to read Bukowski women like everyone else in room It's gonna go like oh, that's a great one. No one fucking knows what you know, I bet Dan knows it I don't know women, but I know Bukowski. Oh, we've all know Bukowski knows it. I don't know women, but I know the council. We've all know Bukowski. She's like William Bukowski, you know, clearly you guys all have ready. Christine, you are a phony asshole. And I'm challenging you to go, I'll take you to the symphony. I'll

enjoy the symphony more than you. Books in our entire life. I would enjoy the symphony more than you do. I will take you to I want to watch you at a poetry and I drink it in and not be bored. And you can't pee or not. I think to the ballet, not because you think we might lay a ballerina. What? I said, take me to the ballet, not only because you think we might get laid by a ballerina. I asked her to get us tickets before I thought she was going to fuck us. That's so funny. That's so funny because that's because that sounds like something

Kristi would just say in a fight and then Jago's. All right, well, I still do wanna go to the battle. I, yeah. Christine, on me, a night of poetry, three hours a day. I'm gonna go and stare directly at your face the whole time. I thought you were not fun to do stuff. I just, I'll watch from afar. I'm not gonna sit next to you. I want to watch you pretend to be a picture. Why are you making it look at her sounds such like a aggressive thing?

You're gonna stare at your beautiful face while you enjoy your dumb shit. I'm gonna stare at her beautiful face while she pretends to enjoy poetry. I don't like it. I'll care get growingly bored of what she's watching. It's my leave after one of them. I'm excited for that moment where Christine looks at you and goes, I've had my fill. Because I can't contain my emotion from what I've seen. Because the bridge, the lights, the way they look, the way they feel, the way they sound.

I love it. I love New York and Christine has got the market Christine okay, just because you can pick up with it out of your ass Christine Christine if you can choke up. Yeah, I'm sorry. I love it. I love Eagles and Sixers. That's it That's all I want to do is watch Eagles and Sixers and Each of us look how Christine's getting What cut Christine's get right now. I Can have all interests that I don't like. I'm playing total Christine rage rage against the dying of the life

First of all, I don't think you even like the Eagles or the Spixers, but one thing I'll tell you bitch likes a cheese steak Let's play around with that. That's just nonsense. I love all live events. So this bitch loves a cheese stick too. Christine's getting so real. I've already disclaimered this thing by saying, I don't, I'm fine with you having all kinds of towns and hobbies. You told me really love playing the piano. Well, there's a piano behind you. I see you touch it twice. I would love to just live back right now. What? Da, da, da, da, da, da, da. I thought she to just live back right now at. I thought she was gonna put. Just like the mooracle go.

But on concerts for me when I bought that thing. I'm telling you, you don't like poetry, you're lying, and that you could go to a night of poetry and you will not enjoy yourself. You will be bored out of your fucking mind so quickly because I know you and I don't I see behind that mask you wear for these people. The several interests of Christine sounds like a titillating book. I'm the sender. Let's send her to a thing. And I will watch her grow. She'll be doing exactly what she's doing right now, mentally, at least by the second call.

See that? And this show is, is, is exciting. And she's bored. Revinning Christine brings this fidget spinner to the poetry reading. She's really Yeah. As I sat there watching my friend die on the concrete on that hard surface that we walk on. Yeah, while Christine's the while while the person's up there pouring out their fucking heart wearing a wooden necklace.

They look down and you're staring as you're rolling a straw you're rolling a straw wrapper into a fucking pinwheel. And I'm telling you, I know you better than you know yourself and we have these conversations off there a lot. You come back and you go, bam, dude, you did nail it. And I'm telling you that when they know than you know yourself and we have these conversations all fair A lot you come back and you go fam dude you did nail it and I'm telling you that when they'll with this you will come back and be like I cannot watch a night of poetry I'm better than you know yourself you say you don't like the beach. I've seen you at the beach you fucking love the beach You I love the water. I am child. I am like a dolphin. Just go the beach with me

I am like a dolphin in the water And you know I don't want to take off my shirt forever a lot of people why you bring over it Come to the East Police I'm glad you could come by and watch our entire show on furl Hope you enjoyed this week's best of the bonfire you can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM East on Comedy Central Radio. Series XM 95 or on demand on the Series XM app. Be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire at SXM. This has been a Comedy Central Podcast.

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