The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Touching Jacob

Episode Date: April 5, 2024

Bobby and Jay make plans for Jacob to get a Nuru massage in the studio.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly What does anybody Now your headphones are in Does anybody write a song about actual New York? Or is it always this for you have to I just saw Billy Joel last week and same thing New York State of Maring comes on and I'm like That's not the music that really defines what's happening in this city a Bunch of fucking nosy old people aggressive Asians who don't like people

Don't forget blacks 20 white women, oh the fucking white women. They talk too loud at the restaurant. The loud ethnics. Where's that song? The homeless. Bums.

Oh, God. You're supposed to call them, what is it, houseless? Unhoused. People who are experiencing homelessness? Unhoused. Unhoused. Unhoused. Oh, we're going shitpants? Bums. What is it? House-less? People who are experiencing homelessness? Unhoused. Unhoused. Oh, shitpants? Bums? Yeah. Scum?

No shoelaces? Yeah. Dirty knuckles? Loveless pieces of shit? Yeah. Nodded hair? I hope the rain washes them away. Oh, I mean, I love when it rains in New York because all the riff-ra is gone I took its only riffraff you walk through the Washington Square Park when it's raining. There's no threats at all

The city should be stopped. It's coming Yeah, it's coming. What's gonna happen you think dude the solar eclipse is gonna wipe us all out I'm telling you dude. They're telling people look around look on the internet What are you telling you to look for? They're telling you get food get gas get water Why because dude it for the solar eclipse? It's gonna be a two minutes long. No, it's gonna fuck up the electrical grid, baby It's not the first one but we't, we haven't been this dependent on electricity and the internet. Yes we have. Everything.

A solar, it just makes it night for a few minutes. No, it doesn't make it night for a few minutes. I thought. It doesn't make it night, it just puts a black dot in front of the sun for a few seconds. It's really not, I watched the last one from when we lived in a. No, this is a total solar eclipse. This is different This is different. This is I mean look everybody said get gas get water Get some stuff. They said about y2k to what does it say about the warning go look up solar eclipse and eclipse warnings. Yep

Yeah, as a witch I thought you'd be more on my side. I just think it's a nice You want always being that Bobby I was walking around my house today, there's a lot of weird like pagan like shrine type things in my house that I'm unaware of what they are. I just looked today at some of them, I'm like, what the fuck is this? They're keeping you alive. No they're not. They're keeping me trapped. You got me the incense cat. Yeah, that's not what I'm talking about. That thing's adorable and cute and you never use it. I'm talking about weird little statues. The prosperity cat?

No, I got her. It's a cat over a cauldron and you light the incense on its head and the smoke comes down. It's adorable. It is pretty cool. She doesn't use it at all, but she prays to these little statues and tchotchkes,

I guess. Yeah, when you're away, she probably has your hair knotted up in a certain way under a pillow on one shelf we have it's a feather a Japanese fan a candle with some woman on it and some foreign writing and then a tiny statue of a naked lady I don't know what any of it means it means it doesn't keep me alive though it's definitely for evil that's what we have yeah that's adorable it's adorable that's adorable yeah I really like that shelfers but it does it does have a Satanistic pagan symbol in the middle yeah yeah but it's a little cat That's adorable. It's adorable. That's adorable. Yeah. I really like that Shelford's hot piece.

But it does have a Satanistic pagan symbol in the middle there. Yeah, yeah, but it's a little cat. Yeah, cats are evil. It's a little cute. We know that, Jacob, right? Well, yeah, for sure. It's a cat that worships Satan. Yeah, a Satan-worshipping cat.

It's adorable. It's adorable until nighttime, and then it wakes up and crawls around your house. And steals our dreams. And steals your dreams. It just steals our dreams and steals your dreams. It just steals our dreams. I bet you all this stuff is why Dan left. It's very possible. Christine shunned him away, shunned him away.

And she has a little bit more control. I conjured Gaia. Give me what I crave. Remember she didn't want me sitting here. She wanted you over here. Yeah. And then she would just stare at me without blinking for days. That's right. Yeah. Paranormal activity style. Yeah. Stare to your ass. Yeah. and then she would just stare at me without blinking for days. That's right

Yeah, no activity style. Yeah stared at your ass. Yeah, I'm facing I'm facing West she wanted me facing East Jacob I feel bad for you all of your City bullying comes from people who are terrifying and scary and bigger than you I have an opposite thing. The guy who gave me shit today was just an old white man who I couldn't hit. But I did tell, he complained about me lighting my cigarette

25, closer than 25 feet to the door. And he's like, read the sign. But he lives in my building. So next activity is putting a cigarette out on his chest of his shirt when he, next time I see him. I was very happy. I will do that right in front of the cameras in front of my building I was very like happy and proud you didn't yell a gay slur at him I was close but then I saw there was children around so I just cursed a lot instead of calling him the f-word the way

I like to resort to usually knows what was he was he? Knowing nothing indicative of that really why he was an old man. Oh his tone. Did he sing it? No, put the read the sign sort of But he was like be like read the sign 25 feet or more And I was like, excuse me, and he goes 25 feet read the sign I was like, what are you measuring fucking jerk off and he's just already like kind of started walking away She said read the weather report bitch. I wanted to put a cigarette on his face. I got to get out of this city.

I tell you, I was in front of my house when I lived on a doorman building and I hated the people. I just hated it. And so I was up front, my two dogs and it was snowing. It was cold. And this lady is walking up and she's like, sir, can I talk to you? I go, beat it. She goes, sir, can I go beat it? I go, beat it. She goes, sir, can I go beat it?

She goes, I just wanna, I go, I said beat it. Cause I thought she was gonna talk about my dogs shivering in the cold, whatever. And she goes, no, I go, I go get the fuck out. I don't wanna hear what you have to say. She goes, no, I just, she starts crying. She goes, I was just up the street with my dog and the lady from the restaurant threw a phone at my face because I shouldn't have

My dogs out in this weather and you have your dogs and I was just trying to you know See if I was wrong and I was like, oh no, no, no, I'm so sorry She's a bitch I apologize But back into my building crying fuck right off lady Building people She was trying to bond and I I bossed. I was baited. There's no neighbors in New York City. I did find the thing, I did find the problem, that is the problem of

big building like we're in is just that it's like there's all those people and 98% of them are rude. Well, even if you go, I had a co-op. The rest of them are gays who have dogs that play with Christine. I had a co-op and they were all like like I was on the first floor, so I was the door monitor. So every once in a while there'd just be some gay guy smashing on the door because his booty call wasn't answering. And I'd have to go out. I came out one night, the guy was punching the grates, we had like metal, you know, wrought iron grate on the front.

He's punching them, he broke them, then he was trying to hide them, like in the fucking grat, like the little tree grat, I go, what the, it's 1.30 in the morning, I come up and I go, what the fuck are you doing? He goes, nothing, I go, you just broke the door, he goes, no I didn't, I'm like, you're hiding the fucking evidence,

and he's like, I'm sorry, it's so, here's the problem when you fucking attack a Gay guy. Yeah with your male alpha male aggression They immediately cower and then you feel like a piece of shit. Not me. No, all right Well, you know my finger their assholes and look them in the eye. I'm not even gay. I'm just taking you. Yeah If me Christine and Dawkins were gone for a weekend and our building burned to the ground I wouldn't miss a person There's not a person. I'm like, oh but so and so from the whatever floor don't care. It's coming It's gonna smell like burnt Asian hair in that building for sure. It's coming

You guys can stay on our guest room when it goes down. I hope so. It's going down. I can only hope so No electricity for two weeks You guys are done I hope so. It's going down. I can only hope so. No electricity for two weeks. You guys are done. What do you mean? What are you gonna do? Oh, our elevators went out one time and I had to walk down 27 flights of stairs.

To get Uber Eats? To get Uber Eats. To walk Dawkins. Jay, we're gonna starve. I can't make it, you guys just moved to the lobby? Yeah, I couldn't see that being anything. So, oh look, Kekeko ads. Oh dude, let me tell you something. Last night,ads. Oh, dude. Let me tell you something last night

That cakey co blanket. Let me tell you something right now. I brought it home dawn put it on the bed She put it under everything and then put the blankets on top of it. Yeah, that makes much more sense I went to bed at 10 10 last night. I went into the bed just to chill usually I'll go in the bedroom while she puts Max to sleep and then she's coming back, right? But because of that Kiki Cole blanket, she stays. But last night, I'm like, I'm gonna be here for a little bit. I'm gonna go to the gym. I'm gonna do my thing. Out. I mean, dude, it is, I don't even need Dawn anymore. I don't even, I didn't even want her coming back. Like I was fine without her. I got under that kikiko,

and it felt like I was being hugged by soft angels. I felt gay but not gay. It's the blanket of angels. It is the best thing. It's so weighted perfectly. And it's hot but cold. It's a weird experience. And I was like, oh, I just wanted to get naked and be alone. I bet it feels cold. It's a weird experience and I was like,

oh I just wanted to get naked and be alone. I bet it feels good. It felt so good. Christine puts- Did you do what I said? Did I masturbate naked in the blanket? No, just rub your tussy on it. Did I put my finger on my bum and think of you and Yes.

Call your name out, Jacob, Jacob, Jacob. No, I didn't do that last night. Christine puts One of our very expensive keiki Co's on top of our blanket on top of a sheet So it's the last thing on top it literally holds no value other than she likes to make sure the dog gets non-stop hair all in it as if it was a Paper towel she was choosing to put on there. She treats it like it's a An old t-shirt we use to clean countertops not dawn. She immediately put it under everything So that is what's on you. Yes, that's what's supposed to be touching your body. That makes sense

Yeah under the sheet the sheet goes on you the regular sheet and then the kiki co The kiki co is touching you and then the regular blanket on top of that So if the kiki co gets a little to it, you can peel the other blanket off still still have the kiki-Co, the Kiki-Co is touching you, and then the regular blanket on top of that. So if the Kiki-Co gets a little too, you can peel the other blanket off, still have the Kiki-Co. Yeah. All night long.

Feeling good on your body. Ecstasy, I felt like I died. I felt like I was in heaven, I was just floating on a cloud. It was so nice, I took my socks off, which I never do, took my socks off. Oh, see, that's new for me in the last couple years, but socks off is huge, especially with a keiki coat.

Never used to take them off, because I was afraid if somebody came in, I'd have to, I didn't want to be barefoot. I agree, I have the same exact rationale, that's it. What if I have to spring into action? Spring into action, slide down the hall, what's up, motherfucker? But I still take my socks off

right as I'm getting into bed, so they just are on the floor next to the first thing when I get up in the morning, socks back on, shoes back on. Socks back, shoes, I always have shoes. I have slippers though, I've gotten into slippers lately. You have slippers? No, Christine got me these Uggs-like slippers

that are, they're so ugly. It looks really silly in the house, but they're comfortable. I wear, I have old man Dick Van Dyke slippers. Yeah. Woof, they're so nice. Yeah? Oh.

Brown leather. Brown, brown. Yuck. Put them on. Oh, they're such dad feet. Ooh, I love them. I love them. I slip them on in the morning.

Yeah. Oh. I like my socks off though. Especially when I was fat too, it was hard. Cause you know, my ankles would swell up. Oh. I like my socks off though. Especially when I was fat too, it was hard. Cause you know, my ankles would swell up. Oh yeah. I thought you were saying taking them off would make your head turn purple.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I liked it. Are these the Uggs? Yeah, this is what I have. Those are great. You can go walk the dog in those. I do. Yeah, those are great.

They're just like goofy looking. Yeah, those are beautiful. I know slippers are great looking. I mean, mine are. No,. They're just like goofy looking. Yeah, those are beautiful. I know slippers are great looking. I mean, mine are. No, they're not. Mine are fancy. No, they're definitely not nice. Mine are fucking great.

No, nobody looks good in a robe or slippers. And if you're wearing both, you've given up. I have a robe. I have a Carl Ustramsky robe. I mean, that robe's. Carl Ustramsky, the baseball player? Yes. What is that? Dude, you don't have a sports Ustramsky robe. That's, I mean, that robe. Carl Ustramsky, the baseball player? Yes. What is that?

Dude, you don't have a sports robe? What? I know what I'm getting you. A sports robe? No, don't, please, God, don't get me a robe. I can't have another robe that I don't use. Dude, who's your favorite player of all time? Favorite team, favorite player?

Of all time? Of all time. Baseball. Baseball, whatever, whatever team. Whew, that's tough. Whatever. Iverson. Iverson or Dawkins.

I'm gonna get you an Iverson with his, with the actual team letters that's on the jersey. Yeah. It's the jersey, but on a robe. I think I know who makes that, is that Matt Frost? Matt Frost, stoned out of his mind one night, like 15 years ago, came up with this idea, got a pinstriped robe, put Don Madeline's number on it.

It's like a jersey, his jersey, but in a robe, right? The, all the official Yankee stuff, went to the game, sat behind the bleachers, Madeline's wife saw it. I got a show, brought him into the dugout after the game, and gave him the robe and then started this whole business NBA NFL MLB NHL proud of me you proud of me that I got all those things yes absolutely that was good and thank you very much and then in NASCAR nice I'm getting you an Iverson no I'm

getting you one don't I'm getting you I won't Nice. I'm getting you an Iverson. No. I'm getting you one. Don't. I'm getting you one. I won't wear it. I'm getting it. And if it ever comes up in front of Matt, I'll act like I never heard it before, and I'm gonna tell him it's a good idea,

but it sounds dumb as shit. Haha, it's great. It sounds like a stupid business. Sport robe, man. Sport robe's fucking great. Yeah. For people who've given up. I'm not wearing a robe around my house.

Did you not wear the hoodie thing I got you? What hoodie thing? Didn't I give you a- Oh, I gave it to Jacob. It's Jacob. The, uh, hoodie blanket. Those are great. I'm not wearing a robe around my house. Did you not wear the hoodie thing I got you? What hoodie thing? Didn't I give you a, or I gave it to Jacob. It's Jacob. The hoodie blanket, those are great. I'm sure. Those are gay. Yes, but no, a sports one's pretty queefy too.

No. Yeah. No. You have a Carl U. Stremsky. I got a Carl U. Stremsky and a Brady. It looks like, are you doing like, it looks like you're in between acts of a gay play about baseball you sitting smoking cigars I'm waiting for act two to start I'm Carl you Shrem ski I wore it in Yonis's

memory Carl you Shrem ski Carl you Shrem ski yeah I wore it in Yonis's memory Yonis had a little thing with I think it was ESPN or something and I wore it in Yanis's memory. I said a little thing with I think it was ESPN or something and I wore it Really? Yeah as a Red Sox fan. Yeah, you probably strumski robe. I love it. I love my yes, yes What a great name. Oh, yes. Here we go Is this information of what it's gonna be terrible is gonna happen to us Safety warnings issued in one state one day. What state it's's not New York. What state? It's Canada. It's not Canada. That's not a state, you fucking eggplant.

Let's see. It'll start in Texas around 1.30 PM, and then follow a path that crosses Oklahoma, Arkansas, Missouri, Illinois, Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, and finally, Maine. Maximum totality will occur in Maine around 3 30 p.m. passing directly over the city of Caribou at 3 33. Caribou, that's way up near Canada. That's where they have the potato. Kids get three weeks off from school every year to pick potatoes.

This could be so trippy. It's like a travel advisor. It's like, hey, a lot of people are gonna be trying to see this. So you don't know that. You don't know that. be so trippy. It's like a travel advisor. It's like, hey, a lot of people are gonna be trying to see this, so you might be able to get around. You don't know that. You don't know that. I'm just saying. It's happened all over the world. It's never probably. Listen, listen, listen, whatever your witch name is,

whatever you want me to call you. What is your witch name, by the way? I don't have a witch name. Yeah, you do. Lightning means believer in Christ, Bobby. Oh. You don't believe in Christ, do you? Christine's the goddess of boring.

She's Armenian. The Armenian goddess of boring. The Armenian goddess of boring. Boringzian. None of this says fuel necessities because when you're traveling none of this says any kind of actual danger. There's a lot of stuff on the on the social about getting food, water. You guys want to do a who can stare at it with their eyes open longest contest? Are we going to be here at work that day? When it happens? I think so. Yes. It's a six days from now. So yeah, maybe it was April 8. Let's see. Yeah, it's next Monday. It would be really cool to see it.

It's not like anywhere near. I mean, it's kind of near here. It's between 1.30 and 4.30 it looks like. There you go. We'll show up a little early and then see who can stare at it. It'll change nothing about the light outside. It'll change nothing about anything, I don't think. It's going to get dark outside for a couple minutes.

It's going to get dark in the middle of the day. I don't think out of the pack. That's not we it goes dark And then Christine's sitting in the trees floating Absolutely the fucking goat head She's a goat head over to her head You're right. I pretty much think the darkness is gonna be right on that path and it's gonna be a little dimmer towards us You never know. Wait, so we're not seeing it? No, no, I do know from this picture here

that shows the path of the eclipse from NASA. Yeah, but you can't. It's in the paths here and we're over here, so it goes through Pennsylvania and New York, but not by New York City. But it's still. So we don't see the eclipse because we're not, because you see the sun every day am I missing something

Yeah, I was the positioning of where the moon is crossing it. I'm with you Oh, you have to be a certain part of the earth to see it Yeah, but all Bobby knows is buy a lot of dry cereal because it's gonna be the end of the world Not just cereal J. Cereal Seeds you need seeds to start over cereal, gauze, seeds. You need seeds to start over. You don't have seeds? You didn't get yours, you don't have seeds?

Do you have seeds? I have seeds. Preparation seeds. I have tomato seeds. In case. I'm having a lot of tomato sandwiches. You'll be Bobby Tomatoes when the apocalypse happened and he goes, you gotta go see Bobby,

you want tomatoes, you go see Bobby Bobby tomatoes It's currency like the spice trade back in the day. I'll have tomatoes. You might have zucchini Mm-hmm, you know, I mean might have some meat maybe some maybe some lamb meat I'll be a barter system when your tomatoes come in Let's hope the grounds not irradiated from all the problems that have caused this the solar eclipse to destroy earth that have caused this solar eclipse to destroy our Earth. The total phase of the eclipse is not visible in New York City, but it can be observed as a partial eclipse at 2 10 p.m.

It begins the moment the edge of the moon touches the edge of the sun, the maximum view with the sun at its most hidden. All right. Well, it's not gonna be that exciting. Well, you don't know. I do though Because NASA said so so you're right

I don't know, but I'm gonna assume that whoever made this NASA thing as some had some has their finger on the pulse more you know I Don't keep up with the Sun's daily goings on I got a generator too. Do you I got a Honda in case you got to put up your hot plate? So you can make Jiffy pop for the whole neighborhood. I got a nice hot plate to keep the fridge going. I got portable heaters I'm ready to rock and roll dude. I'm waiting for a little bit I'm what do you mean you're ready to rock and roll for a little bit We're talking about a little bit. We'll see right out of gas for the generator first thing

I do is I go down I got four gas tanks Five gallons first thing I do my shoddy go down to the gas and I take it whoever gets in my way Boom see you later take your shoddy Fill up all my gas tanks. I'm gonna get this summer. I'm getting a rain thing up in New Hampshire What is that? It's gonna turn your piss in the water? It collects rain, you jackass. And turns it into drinking water? Well, you can drink rain water. What's it traveling through?

A filtration thing. It's gonna, you put a big bucket and then you... He's gonna drink rain water out of a bucket? Take a bath, Max, in the bucket. And I have a stream behind my house that you can drink out of that water. Don't, though. Why, what's wrong with you? Why would you drink out of a stream? What are you Tarzan? It's mountain water, dude What does that mean? Where's it coming from coming from the mountain? It's it's snow and in natural Springs what running through dirt and shit

Yeah, you're gonna get a brain-eating worm. No, I have I have a brain I've I've life straws too, and I have a I have life straws too and I have a beef-free filter so you put the water in that and it filters through and it takes out takes out all the those matcha straws where you just stick it right into the creek and drink. It's a filtration straw that you can you can drink out of a dirty puddle with this thing. Yuck. I swear to God. Don't though. Life straw you can drink out of a dirty puddle. Yeah? Yeah. Put it in a bucket of my pee and see if it only gets the water out. You can't

drink pee. You could filter pee. No, it's not the pee you're worried about, it's the microorganisms. Why don't you ask Matt Frost how he could turn pee into drinking water? He's such a genius. Dude, made a lot of money off of that. Did he? Dude. Yeah, a lot. Why is he still agenting? Well, he loves the business. He loves his job. That's his passion. Yeah, he loves his job. He made all of his money on Car You Shrimp Ski Robes. Well, I mean everybody.

Where are they? Is it discontinued because it's really hard to find a website or a way to purchase them at all. Sport Robes. Yeah, Sport Robes, Matt Frost. It should probably come up right away. Don't say his name. He's not, I think he sold the business. Kirby Allison sells. It's Sport Robes. Yes sport robes. Matt Frost. It should probably come up like right away. Don't say his name He's not he's not he I think he sold the business Kirby Kirby Allison

dressing rooms Is it good when you smoke cigars though, cuz you don't get a jacket smoky I have a cigar hoodie from my cigar lounge cuz I'm a you know every night like it I go to my cigar lounge and hang out with men 100% nights Pretty much what when dawn goes to bed she goes to bed I go to the gym and then I go over to the cigar lounge and I shower at the gym no I no no I shower when I go home you just go stinky to the cigar place

I mean yeah, but it's all dudes. It's not like I'm going to pick up chicks. I'm not going dancing I'm just going over there, light up a bat, watch a little, uh, tracker, maybe some, uh, Yellowstone with the other fellows who are there. But like in workout gear, like, like stretch pants? No, I have like sweatpants and a hoodie. I bet they don't like it. They like, they fine with it.

Mm-hmm. Why wouldn't they love it? It's all men, too. It's all men. Because you're supposed to be wearing some sort of a polo shirt with dad pants in there, I think. No, you're not. It's all men, dude. all men you're supposed to be wearing some sort of a polo shirt with dad pants in there I think no you're not it's all men dude. It's men Stop saying that

What are the guys at the cellar those are boy like comics of boys bunch of boys comics all comics of boys To become a boys to men I hang out I hang out with men like little daddies Yeah, they can open jars and shit and you know what I mean? They build stuff. They have their own businesses It's all men. What do you guys talk about skirts and shit? I just skirts talk about everything talking all that shit the wives busting chops. Yeah, we talk about everything It's like, you know, we're talking old guys to you know, I can stew recipes. I see your chili ideas old guys to you know. Fucking stew recipes, once a year chili ideas. No, no, no.

Like one of my good friends. Horseshoes. Owns the Italian restaurant. Another guy has his own plumbing company. There's a lawyer. There's a judge. We hang out with the judge. There's a guy in sweatpants.

Yeah. Coming from the gym. Yeah. Hey everybody, sorry I'm late. Don't mind my sweats. Hey judge. What's up? Is this the same thing as the cigar club and the Italian American club? I'm late. Don't mind my sweats. Hey, judge.

What's up? Is this the same thing as the cigar club in the Italian American club? You're part of the same thing. I'm a member of the Italian American club also, but I usually go to the my cigar lounge cigar Republic. It's two separate things. It's 24 hours. It's great, too, because they have a massage parlor right downstairs. It's so funny when you just watch, see the old guys pop it out. Sure. Those old guys. I don't go. you just watch, see the old guys popping out. Sure, just those old guys. But I don't go. No, why would you?

I don't go. I know you hate hand jobs. I don't like hand jobs. And you've turned on Asians altogether. And I don't like table showers. That's right, no one does. That was the price to pay, the table shower. Did you love it?

Do you want a table shower? Oh, I didn't like it. Yes. Yeah, you don't like being washed? No. Oh, I love being washed. I didn't like a tiny Asian woman washing my body. It felt very bizarre.

And I felt my jiggles all happening while she's scrubbing up. Oh, I love it. I love it. And then they scrub your body down. I've never felt less attractive than being washed by a pretty lady. You felt like a baby elephant in a zoo?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let me just hose you down. She thought I was a panda. That's why she was being nice to me. Attractive than being washed by a pretty lady you felt like a baby elephant She thought I was a panda that's why she was being nice to me. She gave you a head of lettuce when you were done Just carried you on this bamboo Do it. I love you don't like being washed No, I love being washed. No, I love it. No. Oh, I love it In fact, I didn't like the first time I ever went to the massage handjob place and it was a an older white lady I didn't like the being naked for the massage and having her do like this slightly grazer nails over my Dick and fucking bush the butterflies. I thought it was weird Well, this place had nothing to do with massage

It was like, come in, whatever your base rate is going to be and then pretty quick she's going to go Do you want to just fuck? So her move was more like kind of slap your cock around with her fingers like a little bit here and there, but I did not enjoy it I like the build up Even in my porn, you know that, I like a build up I don't like right to it

But they don't like you No, I don't want them to like me. I just want them to wash me like a baby gorilla. And then I want them to massage me, mediocre, and then graze my, they go through my ass cheek and then they graze a nut, and then I'm on all fours and she's like, oh, okay, roll over. You're getting to express your anal glands and everything else that comes with a good groom.

Flip your nails. No need to hold your asshole open. Sir, I know, I know, I get to it. Yeah! If you can really focus on, I don't know, the whole area. Sir, I get to it. Oh, dude, being washed is my favorite. No, nope.

Not that. I don't like that. It feels like they're washing vegetables at a supermarket. I love it. It's a job. No, I don't like that. No, dude, it feels like they're washing vegetables at a supermarket. I love it. It's a job. No, I don't. You're like a dog. No, that's silly.

That's an actual. It's silly looking. No, that's legit. No, it's not the same thing. No, that's legit. When they wash you at the Asian massage, not that I know from back in the day, not recently, they actually scrub your body with soap.

So they scrub your butthole and they scrub your legs No for sure and then the one place I went to was they had a bucket in like a trash can of hot water Yeah, and they did it with that. They scoop like a bucket and they bucket it over you Just see my bird getting slapped with water and my dick hairs all mushed down I Just see my bird getting slapped with water and my dick hairs all mushed down. I love the feeling. I did not enjoy it. Let's just turn the lights off and get to the hand job or whatever we're going to do. They happy ending you first or do you wash?

One time I went and she... Seems like you should get the wash last. No, you get the wash first. You go in... Here's the thing, they're not supposed to whack you off. So you got to go through all the... But you are getting... But you have to go through all the bullshit of what the job is before you get to the

You have to do it Yeah, you feel like an ass And by the way Asian massage parlors, there's no real rhyme or reason completely to it So you're gonna get a smoking hot one. This might just be an old Asian grandmother Oh, there's no rhyme or reason to it. So as long as be an old Asian grandmother. There's no rhyme or reason to it. So, it might as well just be an old lady doing it, and you're like, ah. Yeah, there's no more, they're all middle-aged Asian women.

They're all middle-aged Asian women. They have, like, weird boobs. It's the Bonfire, everybody, and you're listening to the podcast version, which is free. Half of it's free. You get half the show. Do you really want half?

No, don't you feel like you missed the other parts? Yeah. Right? It's like being half jacked off. Sign up right now at SiriusXM.com slash Bonfire to subscribe for the full show. Plus you get all the music channels. You get Howard Stern. You get all the other comedy channels, sports.

And to get our full show, sign up for a SiriusXM subscription at SiriusXM.com slash bonfire. Support our show. Subscribe. I love that. The best looking ones I ever went to had nothing to do with the massage. It was your paying to go fuck them. It was a straight whorehouse. I don't like the whorehouse.

I like the you go in, oh look at that. Are you crazy? Who doesn't love that? Well you got to describe what works. There's an old, there's a old there's a guy a blindfold on he's also got a great body and a fucking flopping dick She's using a men's three-in-one soap, which is great. I like my dick head touched my belly button I would get a massage every day and I would just hang it out there for whoever guys and girls I'm like you guys should all get a taste of this. Oh, look at that. She's playing with it. I

Don't even like this hand job. It's all flippy of this. Oh, look at that. She's playing with it. I don't even like this hand job. It's all flippy flappy. Oh, that's a good hand job. She's actually massaging his penis, not whacking him off. It gets to it, right? Oh, she's pinching his nipples now. She's doing her. The nipple pinching is hilarious. She's doing a good job.

Oh, he, I mean this, this she's getting it done quick. At some point, that's the other thing. You have to blow a load and then sit there with some lady and you're like, sorry I don't usually do this with someone I've known for 15 seconds It seemed like such a great idea when I came in and they're like this chicks gonna whack you off No, they go get the hot towel and then they They cool it off and then they clean up Are you one of those guys that likes to believe they enjoy you particularly? They're probably happy though, it was me, because it could have been so, like, a bunch of ugly guys or something.

That's Louis J. Gomez's theory. He thinks when he gets a prostitute of any kind that he's doing them a bit of a favor, because it's like, well, look, you know, it's like, I'm not an ugly guy and I'm not, whatever. So this is probably, you probably love this. Such a narcissist. Nobody loves jerking a guy off for a living. I'm not whatever. So this is probably you probably love this Nobody loves jerking a guy off for a living And there's not some other like oh, I'm actually stoked to jack this guy That looks like a repeat customer though Absolutely

Okay, mr. Tony you're done. The first one I went to was in Philly. Philly has the best. Oh yeah, yeah, was that you and Patrice you said you were? Patrice, and then they wouldn't let Patrice in. They were like, no, we're closed. And then we were like, we looked at Patrice, and he's like, you racist motherfuckers. We're like, can you just wait outside for a second? As soon as he hit the bottom of the stairs, they're like, come in, come in, come in.

They didn't want, they didn't have enough dudes, enough chicks to jerk him off. To jack off Patrice? Yeah, they don't have enough staff. I actually to jerk him off. To jack off Patrice? Yeah, they didn't have enough staff. I actually, I think they're, I mean, I think they should be legal. I think in a relationship with a marriage, going and getting a massage. Slash hand job. Slash body wash, slash good massage, slash hand job.

Or just a hand job. I don't like just a hand job. You keep adding slashes thinking it's going to make your wife less upset. Hunt, babe, you have to understand, I changed policy. I made it legal. So I can't be the only guy who's not going now that it's legal. I love it.

I think it should be 100%. Would Dawn get mad at a paid hand job from a confused foreigner? Yeah. I don't know if she's confused. She's confused. She came here with promises of a very different life. At very least, making electronics or something.

And now she's wearing a gay shell, drinking tiny ginger ale, jacking off strangers. I think she would, I mean, that looks, what is that? Well, she's sucking his asshole. Where is that? I'll tell you what. Where's that? I'm telling you.

That's usually me at the end of the massage though and they don't want to do that? They had me get on all fours and gave me a trombone like this at the same place in Philly and I got to tell you, I don't... When you're doing it, you're like, it feels... But you're like, what am I doing? And they're surrounded by mirrors so all you see is yourself on all fours with a girl doing something in your butthole and you're looking back like a curious cat. You feel like a fool.

They shouldn't be mirrors. You feel like a fool. I feel like a god damn fool. There should not be any mirrors at all. There should be no mirrors at all anywhere. No, mirrors are ridiculous. Don't you get paranoid like if there was ever a camera in there that this is the picture, the position you'd be seen in?

Well no, it depends on the girls. Sometimes they were hot. Sometimes they looked like fucking David Lopan from Big Trouble in Little China. They're crazy looking. Or crazy hot, no in between. I've never, the ones that I've been to in the past, they used to be in New York hot ones,

but now they're just, you know, you're not really gonna do anything else except get a massage and a. You can't pick. It's like David Lopin when he turned young again. That's what the show's like. You can't say I want the hot one? No, there's no hot ones anymore.

When there were, you couldn't pick? Well, back in the day, yeah, they came out and they lined up. There was a place in Upper East Side where you had to hold a newspaper over your face in the lobby. That was the rule. Yeah.

So, you'd come in and it would just be a bunch of guys holding a newspaper over their face. And they'd call your name, you'd get this move and they'd call your name, you'd go in and there would just be a bunch of guys holding a newspaper over their face. And they'd call your name, they'd do this move and they'd call your name, you'd go, yes. Yeah, yeah. They'd be like, you'd get a number and they'd say three and then you'd be like, me, and then you'd go into the hallway and girls of all denominations

would walk up and you'd, hey, I'm April, I'm Mercedes, blah, blah, blah. And then you'd go, I would like Mercedes, and then she would meet you in the room and then you'd negotiate whatever you want. Like want like you could have sex you could do every those are pretty much gone in New York Right now in Rhode Island. They still have them because nice prostitution There's a loophole whoo as long as they're not promoting it outside like you know like whatever I'm a say they you can go in and

Wack off regular girls like a redhead and blah blah, but in New York, it's pretty much You have to figure it out and the way to figure it out if they're open till 10 It's not it's pretty it's a hundred percent not legit because most is legit No, it's not the clothes attend if it closes at 10 if they're open till 10 And that's pretty much a handjob place And if they do if you go you have table pretty much a hand job place. And if you go, you have table showers, 100% of hands, because it's not legal. There's no reason to wash somebody in public.

Yeah, they don't teach that in massage school. They teach ligaments and the anatomy and where to get in under a muscle. When you walk in, I figured out, because some of these places are legit. You know, they pretend to be legit, so they give you a massage and they tease you. And, but the way to get around that

is you just say two hours, just legs. And then they were. And then they just get so frustrated. Yeah, two hours of anything sounds like a nightmare. 40 minutes in on your calves, they're like, all right, just let me jerk this fat tub of shit off. Fine, I watched one the other day, I don't know if it was uh, I think it was

Ball waxing or shaving or something and the girls give me a tutorial how to do it and the guy just blows load eventually And she has to go to Toro. She has to be like and this happens sometimes You don't make a big deal about it You help him clean up and you move on to the thing and the guy just sitting there You just see his wiener just going back down because He already came he's like the rest of this massage is useless But finish your thing, but yeah pretty great video one of my favorite pawns of all time is uh When the girls given them regular massage, and then he kind of gets her into

Doing it and he goes I'll give you and he does such a lowball price It's like I'll give you 25 more bucks She's like she thinks about it. No 50 she's like You can't tell anybody but it's fake or real. It's fake. It's a porn. Okay. Yeah, I like I like the real stuff I like when the fat maid there's only one of those real ones where the guys Like let maids walk in on them coming. I remember we're jerking off and there's one where those tickets There's a fat lady comes over and she's like I have Like yeah, go ahead and she's like so awkwardly reaches. I mean this is a

They did not pay this lady to be in a pornography. This is a maid at a hotel for sure That's pretty or the guys who were beating off before the masseuse comes in is always hilarious Yeah, and like the masseuse comes in and they just wait for them come in and there's like like oh, sorry I know you're coming so fast. Ha, ha, ha, ha. And they're like, oh, okay, tissue. And they go get like tissues and help them clean up. It's pretty hilarious. I'm not that brazen, for sure. I would sit at a place that was called

like China Company Handjob Palace, and I would still, at the end I would be like, do you guys do the thing at the end? Or like, I would never, and if they just didn't say to bring it up to me, I would still at the end of it be like, do you guys do the thing at the end? Or like I would never, and if they just didn't say to bring it up to me, I would just walk out. I'm like, I guess this place is legit. Meanwhile you just hear a bunch of guys go.

I go, oh I guess this guy knows something I don't know. There was one in San Francisco that I went to in Berkeley, outside of Berkeley. And you go up and there was this huge like hand carved dragon trying to score. And you knock on the door and you hear up and there was this huge hand carved dragon trying to score. And you knock on the door and you hear all this little wadadadadada wadadadada wadadadada. And then all of a sudden the two doors open.

Two, like a temple. And then it's just a row of like 12 women. And they're all in evening gowns. And then you're looking like left to right. And then the last one was this smoking blonde chick, like out of Penthouse, and it's just like, her. Yeah, the stroll out where they put him in front of you and you feel like a sultan for a second, her.

Yeah, they don't have those anymore though. They always give you fake names, you're like, who's this one who doesn't speak any English clearly? He goes, that's Sharon. I don't think that's her name. I think though, I think that would be cheating. I think going to get a massage, a legitimate 45 minute massage,

and then at the end she... Wax you off. Wax you off. Yeah. I don't know if that's cheating. It's not. I think it's the evolution's cheating. It's not. I think it's the evolution of it. It's not.

It's a crime and you're contributing to the very, very fucked up life of this poor Asian lady, but it's not cheating. Square biz on your end. On her end, sure, she's probably gonna be put in a shipping container and sent back to wherever she comes from at some point to bring no money back to her family.

Probably just be killed. But. She's not gonna be killed. But you and Dawn will be stronger for it. I wonder if Dawn would let me do that. I think so. Should I call her? Yeah.

I'll call her. Would she be upset if once every six months? Six months is a lot. All right, once every three months, quarterly. Jacob, do you think she's gonna say yes or no? Yes. Black Lou? She's gonna say no. I'm a married man. Christine, I know. Anyways, Lou? I don't know Dawn, but I think she's gonna counter with, well, can I do it too? Oh, you know, she's... Did he just call Donna Horne? I think he did say that don't gonna get fingered by an Asian lady and say that All right, here we go

Hello dawn real quick. Oh, you're on the air Okay. All right is if you went to a miss if I went to a massage baller like and got a legit massage like a real massage and at the end they Wanked it a little is that is that bad? Are you laughing a little bit so you think it's a little cute right? I mean It's not okay. That it is okay. It's not okay. No, it's not okay. Okay, I'm gonna say, let her know.

I did vote that I thought she was gonna say it was okay. Well, Jay thought you said it was okay. What about every six months? No. Every five years? No. Hmm. How about if she lost her hands in an accident?

Yeah, what if you lost your hands in like a propeller accident? Well, then we'd talk. Let's cross that bridge when we come to it. OK. All right. So we have our tent poles now. So all right, great.

Now I just have to get a boat engine that stalls and have her fix it. Hey, Don, keep reaching there. Why you want a boat? Don, I dropped something inside the car engine again. Would you mind grabbing it for me again? Don, will you throw this piece of steak in that tiger cage? Trying to cause ways for the loser hands?

Don, I think I lost something in the garbage disposal. Can you check it out for me? Your little fingers get down there better. Yeah, I got you a diamond ring, but it's in there. Can you grab it real quick? Oh babe, I know you're still bleeding, but I think we should talk now about that hand job thing. Dan, let's go on a roller coaster hold your hand really high So it's so alright, so then you're gonna you would you give me a massage and at the end do that Okay, and I'll tell you what she sounds like she'll do it with the same She'll do it with the same repulsion that confused foreign lady was gonna do it with yeah

Massage I'm on all fours would that bother you? that confused foreign lady was gonna do it with. Yeah, if at the end of the massage, I'm on all fours, would that bother you? I don't even wanna know why. I went on the table wash you. Were you washed? You did wash me, remember you washed me? When? Oh, is that when you were too heavy to wash yourself though?

No, out in the backyard. Was your rag on a stick in the wash? Should have taken me in the backyard on the trampoline and hosed me down. Was your trunk brush in the washing machine? She used to have to take me to the outdoor car wash at like 1 in the morning. For $2.75, we can get Bobby clean.

Dawn, let me ask you a question. When you worked at that really fancy salon, Av was it Avon downtown? They had a scrub What was it? Maximus Maximus? Yeah, we had I used to do body scrubs you did body scrubs on men It wasn't really not really, not really, no. What do you mean not really? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm trying to think if I had any male clients.

Did you give a body rub, a scrub to a male? I don't think I really did. What are you talking about you don't think? You know you don't. Jay, stop nodding your fucking head. No, it was more female science than men. What do you mean more? You don't Jay stop nodding your fucking head What do you mean more Jay's doing the soapy jerk off penis right now Dawn dawn dawn it's the pull-ups on what do you mean? You don't know did you do it or not? I

Don't recall. Accepted. I accept that answer. Did the guy have a boner? Eventually. He didn't come in with it. Dawn, what the fuck is happening? No, honey. It's not the type of work I did, bitch. Okay, so you never saw a guy's boner? No. You're 100% sure? Yes. Okay. Oh, you weren't good.

Alright. I'd be angry if Christine was washing guys and whacking them off. Alright. I love you. I love you, bye. Bye. So it's a no, it's a definite no. Yeah, that's a definite no.

Okay, goodbye. I mean, you're still giggling a little bit. That kills lunch. All right, I'll see you later. I guess we'll do Chipotle again. I told you I'm giggling at your dumbness. What'd you say? She was laughing at your dumbness.

I'm giggling at your dumbness. Okay, goodbye. Bye. Oh boy, that sucked. This type of massage, the Nuru massage is legal. I'll tell you what, I I'm actually I got one of those Bobby that was a phone call that I feel bad for encouraging you to make you found out in one shot that you cannot as I had you all goose up thinking she was gonna be yeah

You know don't probably gonna say yes to this and then you found out she herself used to deliver Hj's to people That's not what she couldn't remember okay Yeah, what else would you say? I mean she she couldn't remember. Okay? That's a different thing. Yeah. What else would you say? I mean, it wasn't a definite no. It wasn't a definite no. It goes, I don't remember ever doing that big, huge black cocks or anything.

Jesus Christ. I don't remember. Why are you going to take it all the way to the end? Because that's the one you'd remember. That's the one she's suppressing. The two-hander. Those Jewish business guys, you can just give a little crank off, but the black guy, you had to throw some

shoulder into it, just do a cuff. You could do a thumb and two fingers on a little Jewish guy. That's barely a hand, it's a finger job. Yeah, this is called, this is what used to be my thing back in the day called sliding. This is called the- New Roo? New Roo, yeah. It's a slide massage.

I had a girl in Canada a long time ago. She came to my hotel and did that and we both were naked at the same time though. She had hairy armpits. Deal break. Not for me. Throw another five or give her a fucking razor. I didn't mind it. What? It's going to get I didn't mind it. What?

Oh, it's going to get all that oil in it, it's going to slop around. Gik. I didn't mind it. I don't mind a side. I love, by the way, on World Star Hip Hop constantly, you know what I'm saying? They show these on World Star Hip Hop a lot, the guy massages on the girls, like just grabbing their ass and then he goes, I mean every week there's a new video going like,

yo homies, would you let your girl be getting a massage like this? It's crazy. Wow. Totally legal. That is totally awesome. Let me ask you a question, Christine? Yes, she wants this. Have you ever gotten a massage?

Yeah. By a guy? Yeah. And has he touched? No, I had a guy that was oddly close to like here. Oddly. But didn't like, it makes sense. I was like, oh, that's kind of close,

but like he never crossed the line. It just like went to like right here. Did he go near your butt? No. Did he go in your inner thigh? Well, Christine always goes to a firm massage after a workout and a shit, so. She's like that dude.

What's his name? Fucking...the gay guy on HBO. Gerard. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just sucking toes. I also always wear underwear. Oh, Tyler the Creator? Yeah, he goes, well look, I'd love to be in a relationship with... Sorry, I fart a lot

and shit from there. Thanks for that salmon. I'd be... This is a guy, this is a very well-in-shaped black guy. If my chick was a bikini model, I'd be bummed about this massage. Rubbing a smoking hot chick down. This is sexual. The last one Christine was showing was a woman in a bikini giving... A Neuru?

How are you not going to blow a load if you're a guy that's legal? She said that's legal. The reason, Jacob, I'll tell you is because I'm not 15 years old and it takes more than a sliding on my body to make me come. But she's, no, her hand was all over, was going in between his ass crack in that video. No, not the first one. I saw him getting very close. Jacob, I pay for it?

Will you get a new room right in this room? No. Why? Yes, Jacob. I'm not getting that, are you crazy? Why? Just get a new room, we'll get a nice girl, you can pick the girl.

Old guy. Anastasia. Anastasia. No, we're gonna get you, why would we not get you a hot one? We're gonna get you a hot one You're gonna get a big fat woman is gonna crush you on a goddamn massage table. Where's Jacob? We'll get you a guy like Joe Rogan's body Am I the only one in the room that would get aroused if we're about to find out oiled down

Bikini woman gave me a Not in this room, I would not get hard for sure No, I don't know about in the room, but but you're saying it alone you would though. No, I don't know about in the room, but you're saying it alone. You would, though. No, I don't think so. She's writhing all over you. She's oiled down with her hands between you, almost touching your nutsack. I'll get some movement definitely from my dick, without a doubt.

But I'm not going to cum. Yeah, Jay's going to be worried about his sheets getting oily. Yeah, I will be worried about my sheets getting oily. My keiko blankets. Between that and the dog hair, I'm going to be tarred and feathered. This is called a dog hair. Yeah, I will be worried about my sheets getting oily. My keiko blankets. Between that and the dog hair, I'm gonna be tarred and feathered. This is called an erotic happy ending massage.

No, no. Okay, I'm right. Jacob? Yeah. Now listen. Oh, you're not gonna. Jacob, one new room massage in here. Why not?

If you come, you come. Jacob, one new room massage. I am gonna come in the room. I changed my mind. I'm gonna come right in the room. Lou? Yes, Bobby, yes. Lou? Jacob, one new room massage. I am going to come in the room. I changed my mind. I'm going to come right in the room. If that's. Lou.

Yes, Bobby, yes. I don't even need to. Lou got a gay massage in here. We're asking you to get a new room massage from a hot chick. Can you massage me in here? I massage Bobby. To determine whether I'm going to come in the room. Yes.

I just said yes, I will. No, no, no, no. That's not what it is. I just want to get you a new room massage,. I know you're tense and you could use this Just trying to hear Jacob not disguises come sound Hey guys, we're gonna take a break Hey guys, I think it's a break Christine go back to the ones we could hire.

Is this the place? Wet Neuru? Let's get you some wet Neuru. Yeah. Oh, God. Well, no, this is Neuru Houses. It's in New York. No, we need somebody to come here.

Christine, show the one that you showed earlier. It's impossible to not blow a load. We should get a tantric. You know what a tantric is? Oh, you have to hold your cum where you're in trouble. Yeah. I'm not gonna hold it. I think if you have to hold your cum where you're in trouble. Yeah. I'm not gonna hold it. I think if you don't hold your cum,

Sting comes to your house and hits you. This is insane. Jay, look at this. It's just a Revenner puss all over the guy. There's no way, Jay. Why? No way what? You won't cum?

You'll be fine. In a second. You're gonna be fine, dude. You'll be fine. You can make it. We should take, how long it takes. You have to, the, a tantric massage is you're supposed to hold your orgasm, and they also play with the male G-spot. Oh, they're gonna finger your asshole.

Because the male G-spot is in... Inside, you kind of hook it in. Do you want me to show you real quick? Jay, show... Just for science, I can put on a glove and show you where the male clitoris is. Can you not use... Can we use Lou's finger? It's a little thinner. Absolutely. Lou, would you mind milking Jacob for the sake of the show?

Yeah, I might mind. Oh, all right. I thought we were all in on this show. When Dan was here, you would have milked each other. Yeah, you would have let Dan do it with his little thin puppet fingers. When you guys believed in the show, you guys would finger each other's assholes. Oh dude, four-hand missile? What can I convince you to get?

How about two girls? You're the four-hander? Will they come to the house? Do they do? No, we have to do it here. You could talk to an expert. The only question is how many times? Do you come? do I come with

that find out yeah about us do they do look at their mom click the models let's pick who we're getting first of all we actually first we have to see call them they have a number call and see if they can do alcohol for a radio show I think this is gonna be great hmm Jacob I'm so happy doing it no you'll be self-conscious no you're gonna be fine Jacob nothing to learn I'm so happy for you. I'm not doing it. No, you'll be fine. I'm self-conscious. No, you're gonna be fine. Not even with Ava. There's nothing to learn. I'm telling you.

Yeah, you just leave your little shorts on. Your cumzies and your shortsies. We'll never know. Jacob, you're probably right. You probably have no... Yeah, remember I had to get Rolfed? Bobby got down to his underwear for a massage. I gave him.

Lou had a gay massage. Before surgery. You didn't come. We're asking you if... What the fuck does that mean? You know what I mean. Just call me fat. We're saying it wasn't your best look mean we're asking you know what I mean just call me

We're saying it wasn't your best look and he got down to his underwear. Yeah, it was harder for Jay. Is that what you say? I remember no I came Jacob that girl on the left way is literally your dream girl. She's a fan. She is and she's available I know what what are we arguing about you're in wait? No, I'm saying what what did we have to determine? What if we send you in your report back? No, no, no telling you the report right now. You don't know You've never had new room massage. Yeah, I know me No answers. Yes, not here with the whole game. Why can't I give you a gift of massage? Why can't I give you a gift of massage? That girl is insanely hot. We're going to have Karen Feehan in the same day with Kim Condit while you're getting it and you have to knock on this.

There's a four handed... Jacob look, just a little simple Neuru massage. Oh my god, that's getting me going right now. There's no way. I'll take it, I'll do it. Alright, Bob, you want some Neuru? It's legal. Make sure you tell Dawn it's legal. Just do me a favor, text Dawn back and be,

just say, how about new room massage, quick yes or no. And if she says yes to, man look at that, if my wank flopped like that, oh you could eat their pussy too, I didn't know that. This is new room massage porn. New room massage. That didn't say that. Hold on Christine, so okay this is the porn version,

but the non porn version. It looks like they do it in a bathing suit and do like the video that was on YouTube Same thing for me. Okay, you're gonna be fine. It's same as eating pussy I know the outcome. Yes They got all-weather carpets in here for your cum That's the reason look how big the table. You do it right in the middle, right here. Oh, come on, Jacob. Anastasia the Hungarian, five foot nine. That's too tall. Five foot. How about Maya?

Four foot nine. Maya's your dream girl. She'll slide all over you. I'm not arguing. Okay, so we get that. We'll do her then. How much is it? Four nine? Four nine is short. Go back, go back to the picture before that

and show Jacob who's gonna be showing up here. Look at, no, no, no. You said go back, you want me to go back here? One, one picture. Keep going now, there. Jacob, come on Jacob. That's beautiful. That's the one, dude.

That looks just like someone I follow. Right, but now she'll be following you with her body all over your body. How about this? If you last without Cumsies, you get paid money. How about that? We give you money. If you last without coming, you get to spend one weekend

with Bobby and his family at Tiny House. Yeah, how's that? You know what, you get a month off in Florida, you do Zooms. Look at that one, this is insane. Come on. That woman's available for a Neur in Florida. You do Zooms. This is insane. Come on. That woman's available for a Neuru massage. This is their job, Jacob.

It's their job, Jacob. Look at her. It's a profession. Why are you saying it like it's bad? She's five-five. Jacob, if I were you, I'd go with this five-two-one here in the middle. I'd go with five-one all the way on the right. Let's see what the other one on the right is bringing to the table here. These girls. I don't dislike any one of them. Oh, Jacob, how dare you say no to this? I is bringing to the table here. These girls. I don't dislike any one of them. Oh, Jacob.

How dare you say no to this. I'm giving you the greatest gift of all time. I'm making my friend cum. I'm doing something that no other friend has ever done for you. Lou is better for this. Lou is better for this. Lou who? This Lou.

DJ Lou. No, he can't. He's always dating a Hispanic that will murder him if he does anything funny. You're single and ready to mingle. Yeah. Oh, it's all donations. I guess they're really funny for locals. It's for charity.

That's not legal. Okay, go to a different New Roo Play and type in New Roo Out Call. There's no way this doesn't... every one of the clients here ends with a happy ending. Well listen. Yeah. Bobby. Really? That's the... I think the opposite. Even though it's legal. When I see them being that hot, I assume the opposite. I say they're not handjob people. Well I assume that because it's a donation right when they get you to the point where you're gonna blow your load. Five hundo. Five thousand. Yeah. She's not five hundo. First of all, Jay, you are wrong. It's not a hat. She's not giving you a hand job

She's body jobbing you well the last I don't know if you saw that other video, but they were sucking each other's pussies and dicks So why don't we get him one with a trans Neuru massage? We can rub peckers together Okay, these are available today It would be terminator timelines, but we could have this person here by this afternoon, Jacob, for the live show. Let's see the outcalls. Christine, go down for a new room, please. OK.

She looks like a young BD mom. Oh my god, that looks like a child. OK, I'd say go with her. Go with the child. Ha ha ha ha. She's going to have a fake ID. You're fine. I like that little blonde right there.

Second row, third one in. Yeah. Right there, right? That's you. There will not be an are on the same page. That's it right there. Dana? Jesus.

Dana. I hate her name. I thought maybe Gwen was your girl. Look at the bottom. Bottom. The one more down. I don't hate any one of these. Bottom.

Yeah, bottom left. Wow. How are these girls all named? Polina? Holy Christmas. I mean, their names are terrible. Dana? Yeah, they're fake.

They're not their real names. I'd just be thinking of UFC the whole time she's jerking me off. Yeah. They're in this country against their will, Bobby. They're not against their will. So they get named. They're not their real names. I'd just be thinking of UFC the whole time she's jerking me off. Yeah, they're in this country against their will, Bobby. They're not against their will. They get named. They're not against their will. Oh, sure they do. 100% they're not.

Oh yeah? Most of them. A Latvian girl named Jane? Sure, she's here legally. That's the only thing that might keep me from coming is knowing that their handler is right outside the door. Shh. It says shh.

Real, easy, and fast.