The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Ugly At Night (feat. Earthquake)

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

SiriusXM host and celebrated comedian-Earthquake meets Jay and Bob for the first time in the LA studios. They tell hilarious Kevin Hart and Patrice O'Neal stories. Besides being radio hosts on SXM, they all have ugly groupies in common. FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolf

And now, live from LA for the Netflix is a Joke Fest, it's the Bonfire with Big Jay Suckin' all my titties like you wanted me Callin' me all the time like Blondie What a weird song to pick, Lou. What's wrong with you? Why would you pick this? I mean, I love it, but what a weirdo. So weird. I need some acid with that. Jesus, Lou, you're such a weird guy. What's up, everybody?

It is the Bonfire Faction Talk Series XM 103. I'm Big Jay Okerson. That is the great Robert Kelly across from me, the whole crew out here in Los Angeles. With the gold microphones. With the gold microphones. Yeah, this place really makes... Fantastic studios. I want to introduce our guest because I want to talk about... In Los Angeles with the gold microphones the gold microphones. Yeah, this place really makes Really? I want to introduce our guest because I want to talk about I don't know if he knows how much better he has it

Out here in the serious XMLA studios Than those hunks of shit we roll into every day in New York. Oh damn How is this about the guy? He's he's a comedy legend everybody He's got his own show qu Quakes House, Monday through Friday, 4 to 6 PM Eastern on Kevin Hart's Laugh Out Loud Radio, Channel 96. And he has some upcoming dates in Mesquite, Texas,

and Springfield, Missouri. Everybody, it is the great, hilarious earthquake. Thank you, thank you, thank you, brothers, brothers, and brothers. It's good to be here. It's great to have you here. We were just saying, as we were in here, the studio's confusing us, because my microphone Brothers, brothers, and brothers. It's good to be here. It's great to have you here. We were just saying as we were in here,

the studio's confusing us because my microphone stays where I put it. Yep. Things have tops on them. This is connected, this whole piece here. The microphone doesn't smell like the last person that was in here. Oh, shit.

And we are so excited to have you on the show. This was pitched to us by our producer Jacob here, who, just so you know, when you're not here, refers to you simply as Quake, which feels like a familiarity I don't quite believe he has with you. No, he does. I was on a Jamie Foxx show

when before it was Kevin Hart's Laugh Out Loud channel. Foxhole. And, yeah, the Foxhole, that was what it was, and I was over there, and it was Kevin Hart's Laugh Out Loud channel. Foxhole. And yeah, the Foxhole, that was what it was. And I was over there and it was even shittier over there than y'all had it. But me and my man was cool and he was a good guy. So Quake is appropriate?

Yeah, Quake is appropriate. Just don't call me Earth. That's it. I mean, it's just kinda, hey, Earth. That's's the tough of having, like, the one-name stage name. I used to hear Meatloaf say that all the time. He's like, you can call me, uh, he's like, you can call me Loaf or Meatloaf. Just don't call me Meat.

It's a weird thing. I'd rather have Meat than Loaf. Loaf sounds fatter. It does. But Irf don't have nothing with it. Hey, Irf. It sounds like you're, like, a rapper like Common or PM Dawn, like that kind of issue. But Earth, I don't have nothing with it. Hey, Earth. It sounds like you're like a rapper like Common, or PM Dawn, like that kind of thing.

Known simply as Earth. Yeah, hey, Earth. I got you a present, man. What you got me? I got you right here. Oh, say God. I call that the Wesley Snipes. The Wesley, why you call it the Wesley?

Because he didn't pay taxes on it. Oh. It's actually big and black. Oh, that's what she said. That's a Tato Wahe, Grand Cajone. OK. That's for you, because you smoke cigars. Yes, I do.

Yes, you do. Oh, that is Bobby. I'm so happy for you right now. You just got the right reaction to doing that. I'll tell you, Bobby did that same thing with a man by the name of Kid Rock. Oh, God. Kid Rock looked over his shoulder

and shot down that cigar. Just saying, nah, I'm not going to smoke that. A man gives you a cigar, even if you don't smoke it, you still go, thank you. He went, nah, I only smoked this one cigar. I was like, yeah, but this is a very unique cigar. It's like a really good cigar. He goes, nah, I won't smoke it.

I won't take it. He just refused it. What he did know was that Bobby was giving him the cigar, he goes, nah, I won't smoke it, I won't take it, he just refused it. What he did know was that Bobby was giving him the cigar, the very special cigar that he brought for himself. We're two star fuckers, and he started, he panicked and thought of a great way to connect with Kid Rock.

Nah, nah, hang on one second. Let's back up, no, no. Let's back up a little bit. You weren't kissing Kid Rock's ass. Oh, he was. Let's back this up. Down the side, no, no. Let's back up a little bit. You weren't kissing Kate Rock's ass. Oh, he was. Let's back this up. Down the side on the corner.

We were at his show in Nashville. At the last minute, we were saying goodbye, and I looked and someone had given him a cigar. So I was like, oh, I got this Cuban that I was gonna smoke. You know, cigars, the thing is, you give them to people. You know what I mean? Yes, you do.

That's the thing. So I was like, yo, man, I got this good cigar right here. I'd like you to have it. He was is, you give them to people. You're like, hey man, check it out. That's the thing. So I was like, yo man, I got this good cigar right here, I'd like you to have it. He was like, nah, I'm good. And I was like, no, it's a Cuban, blah, blah, blah. And he was like, I only smoke these. I don't smoke anything else. And then right after that, I'm holding the cigar up,

one of his cronies, some dude goes, I'll take it, and snatch it out of my hand. Yeah, I got them kind of people with me too. It's Jermaine. I'll take it and snatch it out of my hand. Yeah All the gifts around oh yes, definitely Yeah That might not be kids rock fought right there the hanger on oh, no it wasn't a strong It was just funny that Bobby couldn't at that point. He was like I'm giving this thing away Right when kid rocked in one at Bobby was the the bright, at that point he was like, I'm giving this thing away. Right. When Kid Rock didn't want it, Bobby was, the bright side to that at all was like, well that was kind of humiliating,

but at least I still get to smoke my favorite cigar. And then just some guy goes, nah, grab it. So now it's a double loss. Double loss. Kid Rock thinks you're no cooler. Not at all. And the hanger owner took it. It's a triple loss because the hanger owner saw that happen. Oh yeah, he also laughed it off.

Oh yeah, well you know you're the bonnet with jokes when they get together on the tour bus. Oh no doubt. Remember that asshole that tried to get you a cigar? I said give it to me. He goes after their Trump 2024 chance, then they get into the Bobby hour. Oh yeah. Well Kid Rocks does make bad decisions. You can sit there and watch me.

I'm not scared of him. You don't like Kid Rock? You're not a fan of Kid Rock? I'm not into his music or his political choices. Yeah? But other than that, he's cool. Yeah, because Jay is. I don't like his personality or his overall thing.

But other than that, he's cool. I mean, other than that, you know, he's from the D. He's from the barbecue. He's from Detroit. I like Detroit Where are you from originally? I'm from Washington DC. Oh nice. East Coast guy. Yes, I am I've been out here long enough though. I'm over 20 years. Are you friends with Kevin? You good friends? Yes, we are Kevin is a good friend of mine. He's been knowing Kevin for over 25 years. I got a problem with Kevin Get in line. No, not over 25 years.

I'm going to say 20 years. You've known Kev for 20 years. Because I know him for the first three years every day. There was no earthquake around yet. We were just a little Kev the bastard. But probably about 20 years, for sure. Because Kev popped so quick and came out here to LA. And you've been here for over 20 years?

I've been over here over 20 years. I've been over here, over 20 years. Do you miss East Coast ever? Yes, I don't get to see my team play. I'm Washington, Commanders, Redskins. Shout out to Magic Johnson. Saw him at Vegas at Cedric Entertainment and Tony Braxton residency that they're doing. It's a great show.

Wow. Are you a fan of the commanders that they went to? Of course. I'm a fan. The name, the name. Well, I'm not the owner. See, black people understand the limitation of their power. I don't understand.

I don't own the team. You just call them whatever they're called? They call them that. That's what their name is. You understand? We, see, we don't have that privilege that you got. That you can, yeah, you know, not you personally, but people that look like you.

Don't look for a friend. Don't really think that you really owns the team as a fan. Don't look for a friend in the world in Black Lou over there, because Black Lou is a Cowboys fan from New Jersey. Yeah, he look like he got that disease. Cowboys don't even have enough money to buy Gatorade. They're over the salary cap of hope. They always call it the American scene. We have never struggled that long as a nation.

That's slander. Speaking of, you were at the Tom Brady roast the other day? Yes, I was. Because I didn't know if it was real when they were you got called out a couple times And one how was that? Do you know Will Ferrell was that no it was shocking. That's amazing It was amazing and made my day and hopefully I get more white women after this Just start playing that you know Ron Broglie likes me drop your panties. Well, it's so funny I know I started off comedy in the Black Circuit in Philadelphia.

Okay. Forever, so I always thought it was interesting when people went with stage name, I was Big J, I still go Big J Okerson, I've added my last name now, but for years it was just Big J, because it seemed kind of be the thing, you know what I mean?

But sometimes when you pop mainstream, like have you ever had someone kind of like roll their eyes just because it's a stage name versus your regular name? Some people, what's that dude? I seen him last night, to be honest with you. He's at all the fights. Gray, what is his name? Real Gray or something, the commentary.

Well, anyway, he came to me one time, and I introduced him, because I'm into the fight game. And I see him at all the fights. I say, hey, how you doing? My name is Earth and he was like my father my teacher. What is your real name? I said my name is earthquake. What's your name? I said look motherfucker My name is earthquake, but yeah, they tried it some son. Why did you get in the game and change your name? I just added my last name. I mean, altered your name. Yeah, well, Big J, it was funny.

Big J was initially because I had a friend in high school that was named J2, and I was just the bigger of the two. So we were Big J and Little J always. OK. When I started going to the Laugh House in Philly, it was where we started the open mic set out there. I got there, and I think I said my full name the first time, but I started with another comic, Kurt Metzger,

was one of the other white comics there, a few white comics, and the massacring on the last name was just so soul-crying. So brutal. If you don't have a basic last name, it was gonna get massacred. Also because that was the funniest thing in the black circuit.

This doesn't happen too much in the mainstream clubs when I went over, but the host a lot of these shows was the star of the show. True. You know what I mean, the person who was the host was there. So when they don't know you especially, they come over, what's your name? Jay Okerson.

Got it, Jay Okerson, Jay Okerson. All right, got it, not writing it down. And then they go on stage and do 15 minutes on stage before they bring you up. And of course they forgot Your name exactly like I told you that was the uh in Temple University I did a show and the host did that asked the guy's name and then couldn't remember it forever and he starts giving credits Three minutes worth of credits. He just keeps going

He's been on ABC and Conan O'Brien starts He starts adding things that would never, you know, it started off with B.E.T.'s Comic View and Tef Comedy Jam, and by the end it was like, Jay Leno, David Letterman. The View. When he couldn't get it anymore, he just goes, so make some noise right now, for him. I just walked away. Right.

It was so funny, I was like, that's a great. Yeah, I'm that dude. I'm changing my name now. I'm getting this day. I'm changing my name now. I'm getting a stage name. I'm changing it from Bobby Kelly to Bobby Strings. Why? I don't know. I want a stage name.

It is fun. It's also a faster recognizable thing. Yeah, Bobby Strings. What do you think? No. Hang on. Hang on, earthquake. Just think about it for a second.

I think you could be in the two rounds. Ready? Watch this. I feel like you thought about it Bobby strings no okay definitely thought about it did you from day one on stage earthquake yeah because I didn't I mean the reason I added I changed my name, because this was an epiphany, I just tried this and see what it works. I didn't, this wasn't my ultimate goal to be a comedian. And the reason I used the word earthquake,

just in case this shit didn't work, I didn't wanna fuck up my good name. So. See all the guys at the warehouse you're working at, watching your old bombs? Oh, shit. You know what I mean? How'd you come up with Earthquake, though?

I had a friend, his name was Griff, and he always made bad decisions in his life. He was your kid rock. He was my friend, and I come to him, and I said, man, I'm thinking about doing comedy and changing my name and name it earthquake. He said I wouldn't do that if I was you. I did it. So you're saying I shouldn't listen to you. I should go with Bobby Strings. I have success to stand on. I don't make bad decisions now and I'm damn sure not a

habitual mistake maker. So what I do, everything he said we should do, I go the exact opposite. So had he said, man, that's a great fucking idea, Quake, I would have went with Nathaniel Strongman. I would have went with my real name. Did you work that scene out, and did you start in out in DC, I assume?

No, I didn't do any jokes in DC. Really? I joined the military and stayed in there for nine years. I was going to do 20 years, and like I tell people all the time, the war broke out, so I said, hell, I'm not staying. You were in the Air Force, huh? Yeah, I told them I joined the military to go to school. I could stay at home to get shot at.

Why'd you pick the Air Force? Because they did the less physical work out of all the branches. They only ran a mile a year. So I was like, there it is. You know, the Marines run. They did PT every day. And so is the Army.

And then the Navy was definitely out of the question. I'm a black man. I'm through with boats on the first boat ride. So, you understand that watershed was over for me. So, the Air Force was the next one. The Air Force gets all the money first too. They get better everything. Well, because we were the most intelligent one

out of all the branches of the military. Air Force is the closest thing to a civilian job. Right, yeah. It is, you know. We're the last form of protection of the military. Air Force is the closest thing to a civilian job. It is, you know, with the last form of protection for the country, strategic air command. And that's what I did, I loaded nuclear weapons for a living, so. When you see that plane taking off with a nuke, you got 45 minutes.

That's why you go up to a girl, say, I don't know who Mr. Wright is, you better get this motherfucker who's right now. 45 minutes before China send them the missiles we just sent over there. But it was a great place to know that if anything was about to pop off, you was the first to know, because you was in it.

That was the beautiful thing. Well, not really, you know what I mean? So where'd you land at the end of the military service? I was, I left from Eglin Air Force Base, that's in Fort Walton Beach, and then I went to Atlanta, and that's when I first started doing serious comedy then. Oh, the Atlanta scene?

Yeah, I opened up my own club, shout out to Uptown Comedy Corner and all the people that helped me in the 90s Uptown comedy corner. Is that the play one of my favorite? favorite ever YouTube like video comedy bombs on stage is the guy have you ever seen it's in Atlanta for sure And he comes out Christine bring that up. It's so one of my favorite things the guys from LA or Oakland or something the the guy that goes on,

he's just bombing right away. It's a hot crowd for sure, but he's doing really, really bad. And at one point he goes, he's just getting lost in his own stuff. You can see he's panicking. And then he goes, oh, you know what, I'm going to reintroduce myself, which I know that's kind of a classic, I'm going to reintroduce myself, I'm going to start this over. And then he reintroduces himself, a few people clap,

and then he comes out and just goes into the middle of the same joke he was telling before. And then he, and then he goes, back to back sentences, that's my favorite part, he goes. He goes, man, you're only gonna get me off stage, man. I'm from Oakland or California. He goes, I've been through worse shit than this. And then they just boo him more, and he goes,

you know what, I'm gonna go. And then he just, he gets up. He just gets up and he walks off the stage and then the video is really the whole is it right is that it it looks for me uptown comedy corner but you know when you broke you're gonna have broke friends. It looks for me. They're laughing because he went right back into jokes. Y'all ain't right. Y'all ain't right. Y'all make a nigga want to just change a career in a minute. You know what I'm saying? I'm sure you know the host. I feel like you're gonna know the host. So anyway, I'm gonna work this shit out. Oh boy. He's giving himself a pop talk.

From LA? What? Fuck that. You know what? I'll tell you what. We're going to come back on the next stage tonight. I don't know why that tickles me so much. You ain't going to run me off stage. You know what actually? I am going to go. Well he took it to the face. The host goes to work on him for six minutes. It's an eight minute video. It's two minutes of bomb and six minutes

of the host ripping into him. Well, that's the protocol. I mean, that's what I'm saying. I mean, I've seen. That's the words of a black club. The host is gonna go up and just trash you. Trash you. And if it's a white club, they'll be like,

come on, guys. Come on, this is not easy. Uptown Comedy Club in New York, they went to a host name, it was Crazy Sam, and they just started playing the music on me in the middle of my set, because it wasn't going good. And then as I'm walking off stage,

that guy Crazy Sam says to me, he goes, he goes, don't worry, Batman, it happens, no big deal. And then I was like, all right, I guess. And then I went backstage, and he gets on the microphone and goes, if that motherfucker gets paid, I'm gonna whoop somebody's ass. And they went on to not pay me for that gig. I remember, dude, the funniest ever time

I seen a person get booed was in Miami and they used to have this club down there with all the you know the brothers from Miami that was in illegal pharmaceuticals gathered congregated with all the dancers of the night of the strip club and I mean it hot, it's a hot club. So they booed the shit out of him. One of the drug dealers came back and said, Quake, I said, what's up? He said, here's $7,500, do me a favor.

I said, what? Bring his ass back out here so we can boo him again. So I went back to the comedian, I said, hey man, they just gave me $5,000 for you to go back to get booed again. Go ahead man, go back out there. Take this five man. You remember when Keith Robinson, you know Keith right?

Yeah I know Keith. We were doing a roast back in the day at Boston Comedy Club before all this roast shit. We used to do it over there. And he went up and took a hot bombing. He tried to wing it. See, everybody was going up with real jokes, roast jokes. He tried to wing it, try to just use his personality,

took a hot one, and then he wouldn't get off stage. But we were all going, stretch, just keep going. Keep going, it was all industry and comedians, and this dude was bombing so fucking bad, they shut the lights out. They shut the lights out. Damn, he was only just nothing. Ah, he got him.

Kevin Hart brought me on stage to get booed twice in one night. The same show. Yeah, he's like, I'll get him. I'll whip him back into shape. And then he went through a whole speech telling them like, he didn't know he was bringing me back up. And then I barely knew. And then when they all kind of calmed down and were laughing,

I guess, are you guys ready to have a good time and do this shit right? Because he yelled at me, he's like, stop booing people because they're white dudes. You've got to give them a chance to say something first. and we're laughing, and he goes, all right, you guys ready to have a good time and do this shit right? Because he yelled at me, he's like, stop booing people because they're white dudes, you got to give them a chance to say something first. And they kind of get in there, and he goes, all right, we're going to bring them back, everybody,

Big J, and they just start, there's like one lady clapping, and then when I got on stage, they threw chicken wings at me aggressively. God damn. And then they threw a chicken wing at Kev when I left the stage, and then he ended the show. I think Tony Roberts was just sitting there waiting to go on. I think I don't think anyone else went on This is keith taking a hot one. It's just the lights going out on us. They had to shut the light

He wouldn't get off. He was like a half hour wouldn't get the fuck off They turned the lights off they shut the lights out They turned the lights on. They shut the lights out. Stay strong. Stay strong. Stay in your convictions. Believe in it. He had no shit. Roasts are so much pressure.

Roasts are the worst. I hate it. I hate it. Those were fun though because we knew each other. To have to roast somebody you don't know, I think would suck. Right. But roasting your friend. That's why Patrice said no for so long. I was with him when they offered him the flavor flave one.

He was like, I don't know flavor flave. Yeah. He was like, shouldn't it be about like love and like whatever. And then he changed his mind when they offered him Charlie Sheen. He was like, I like what this guy's doing. Yeah.

Charlie, I mean the one they did with Tom Brady was outstanding. It was really great. Oh, it was so fucking funny. I mean, that was probably, like I said, for being the biggest audience ever of a roast, for sure, like not just the live, I mean, at the place, at the forum, I mean, that crowd was, sometimes there's bad roast crowds at the Comedy Central roasts

And they do them in the theaters and stuff, but this was like everyone They had fans there. It was fans of the people on it like usually these roasts are Pretty much all industry who are kind of you know they get that Jade is so the and it was on Netflix so they call me shelter They couldn't say certain shit on Netflix. they could just go all out with the jokes, which I thought was... And straight out, straight, I mean, shout out to Ted, the CEO of Netflix.

He is really an advocate for us comedians over there. And it's a beautiful thing to have an educated... Not for me, but for you, for the people. Just to have an educated executive is a dream come true. Again, not for me and Jay but for you and Kevin and Tony Hemscliffe and Nicky Glazer, yes you're right. But for us. No, I'm just telling you, he's a great. Our specials are on YouTube and PunchUp.Lot. But listen to me, no you're right. No, he's an advocate for us in comedy. His special is for free.

Listen, mine's free on PunchUp now. But you're right, he's an advocate for stand up comedy. Yes he is, Ted is. A certain. No, for across the barrel. I mean he really enjoys it. Across the, everybody. And stop right at me and Jay.

But for everybody else, he's got his thumb on the pulse of comedy. And then one of those E-brake skids they do where they just barely tap the wall. One of the horses in sand, he just takes. Tom Brady number one, I knew it was gonna be number one on Next Week. I'll tell you what, as a comic, we watch this stuff,

let's see who's gonna bomb, you know what I mean? As a comic, you're like, all right, who's gonna bomb? And I think nobody really wants. I mean, Randy Moss, but still got some laughs. Ben Affleck. I mean, yeah, you see how his mouth got dry? He took it to the face. He took it.

He took it. Cause he came out. Ben Affleck took it to the face. I was like, bring J.Lo out. Fuck it, let me look at her. Cause you're terrible. That's the first time I felt sorry for a white man. I said, come on white man, y'all are slippin'.

He used to be strong. He got too fucking pumped up and then his mouth went dry. I don't know what went dry, but he started off dry. I mean, he's a Boston dude and he was you know. The fact that he left the stage is hilariously telling. Yeah well he left and we couldn't find no after party. You know usually when you bomb you don't go to the after party. None of the things and he wasn't there. No free liquor for him, no free food, no managers went home and woke J-Law up. That beautiful woman he's laying beside. Yeah. She is beautiful. I did the movie Hustlers with her. I

played the DJ of the strip club and like to watch her like 50 years old, that body was insane. Yes. She's hot. And then watching them try to make the little flat butt Asian girl next to her do the same moves was hilarious. Watching the choreography, the choreographer would do it, and then J.Lo would do it better than the choreographer. And then they'd put the little Asian girl up there. Your knees kept clunking the ground. Talking about you would never make a dollar.

Yes. We come here for fantasy not reality. Get your non-coordinating ass out of the strip club. I am one that said we need quality inspectors in strip clubs. Some of these women they need to be tapped on the shoulder. Her shoes were too heavy for her legs. Yeah it looked like it. I like fucked up strip clubs though. There was one where one of the girls was so ugly, her dance was she would clean the other smudge marks off the glass from the other girls with Windex and Pintiles.

I met a stripper that was doing so bad, she owed the club after she got off. Did you do the, what's the famous at Claremont Lounge? No. That's where they only hire like 45 and over? No. Or something like that? It's an old person strip club?

No, I'm a Magic City kind of guy. Yeah? Staying magic. Big party? Well, no, it's a beautiful heaven. You just see all of these women and their natural. Whew, it's beautiful. There's always one though with like a fucked up tooth.

Yeah, that's what you, you gotta keep a woman with low self-esteem for a man with low self-esteem. Sure. So both of them can be together. That's what I do. And raise each other's self-esteem together. When I was younger I used to watch a lot of like big girl porn, cause that's where I could fantasize I could probably pull her one day. You can deal with big girls? You can deal with them? Well, I- Would you date a big girl? Porn because I that's where I could fantasize ago. I could probably pull her one day

Well, I would you date a big girl I mean Would I See how she's not big no, I know no Yeah, I have you I have you a hell of a guy. You keep the money in the house. You really make sure your ass don't let a dollar go out. And somehow yet she still pays for nothing. Yeah, I understand. They never going to pay for nothing.

They allergic to a check, man. I go, here's a job. You're going to have to give them a job. No, but I have in my life, no for sure when I was younger I would almost like swing for that kind of exclusively. But I remember it was so funny I used to say it was such a talk about a bullshit dumb young thing to say I was like if I ever get like popular or famous if like hot chicks are throwing it at me I can't wait to turn them down so I'm

like you're just doing this because you think you're getting something from me, and nope, I'm gonna keep it real with these big girls, and then by the first, I think the first time ever, somebody that I thought was far out of my league was like, do you want it? I was like, yes, I don't care what the reason is. Yep, I'll give you stuff, what do you need?

Do you want to buy you things? I just keep it to reality. We all do it for the women anyway. My friends don't put rims on their cars because they like it. They put them on there for a woman to be attracted to it. You put smell good on you because you want to smell good to the women. So whatever it takes to trap you, I'm winning. Well, it's almost like a two-tiered thing. You almost get the rims more to impress other, and when everyone's looking at you and the

attention on you, I think the women are, that's why I think comedy sort of does. You're showing off your rims and everyone, they're attracted to everyone being focused on you and giving a shit about what you're saying, I think. I think you attract them. When you get a lot of attracted women to come to your shows, that's when you kill it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't have that at all. No?

I mean, they're all dragged by their boyfriends. No, it's part of my set, my current set. I say, do you want to hear the saddest sound in all of comedy? Where's the single ladies at? And it is crickets in almost every show. Really? Bon Jovi after the show will be like, yeah, here's my tits.

After our show, he's like like hi, I love you so much This is my husband Harry. That's what I get a lot. I go I go that's my boyfriend over there He's a pussy and he's shaking and is afraid to meet you Will you take a picture with him and I'm like, oh now we're all uncomfortable I know that how many ugly groupies you have six Their names are Used to be eight but two of them died. I know.

My groupies are terrible. I'm supposed to have better looking groupies than this. More accessible than this. This is open mic groupies. This ain't headliner on movie star groupies. I be looking at some of these women like, come on now, what gives you the impression that I would mess with you? I'm not on cocaine.

It is hurtful. Yes. I do know that feeling when I said I would. Come on. Oh man, is that what you guys think? Yeah, seriously, it hurts your feeling like, madam, please. Madam. Madam. Please.

I do have standards. What about my set that say, yeah, you know, I can get him tonight. I've had some roughies even come up. I've had some roughies even come up and do a. Ugly. I mean, ugly then ugly. I mean, it's damn damn you ugly just at night She's wearing a blouse

Night this is how hard it is being ugly at night You up here trying to get a superstar I'm just insulted But you can't say nothing to them cuz boy one woman mad at you. That's 10 Why had I've had before I've had this one before, too, when it's like- Look around and lose your show, boy. The motherfuckers say, hey, write a letter quick to the motherfuckers. Shoot off emails. Dude, an awful looking woman telling you that you're, she goes, you're my hall pass.

And I was like, ah. Well, I'm still in class. Yeah. Because I ain't coming in the hall if you out there, you gorilla. You don't get the hell away from this class. I'm gonna call the principal and tell him you out here laudering, you ugly ass. It depends on how late it is. I don't care what time it is.

I got standards. And damn it now, I deserve better. I was with a chick one time. I had to buy her a sub and a bag of chips. A sub? I mean, she had her shoes cranking over. She was terrible. Sweating.

There's no girl that's looking for a good time after, or you're going to want to, after you watch her eat a sandwich. You can't have a woman finish a sandwich. She goes, after this sandwich, we're going to get to it. I didn't give it to her. I said, you can have it after we're done. That was her reward.

Then she sat on the edge of the bed and watched TV, ate her sub and left. Oh, damn. No. I wish you fed her. But I got, here's the thing. She's taking off, she's picking salami off her chest? Yeah, tell them, oh, here, put it right here.

I'm gonna put it right here. I don't know, right here, suck it on there. I get fucked. My self-esteem's so low that when a smokin' hot chick comes up to me after a show and is giving me vibes, I know she's out of her mind. Like I feel like, she's into this. You know what I mean? Like you have a thing.

You're like a dead toenail and a belly button hernia. You know what I'm saying? I just look at it as a blessing. I say, look at God. He has heard my prayer. That's the right way to look at it. Every time good things come, I look at God. I gotta stop being negative.

Yeah, you negative. You gotta look at the blessing that's come. It finally gets your turn. I can be grateful. You said you pray, Bobby, you said you pray every day. I do pray, I do pray every day. A broke clock is good for two, it's right two times a day. So take the odds. Yeah, no, I definitely don't have any kind of like

overthinking it, but I definitely am like, I take it as I go, oh no, they just don't know yet. Shirts baggy, they just have no idea what's happening yet. I don't think, I don't even think it that deep with me. I'm like, okay. I'm ready to do God's work. Are you a first time with a woman fully naked sex? No. T-shirts and socks. Nice.

If something happens, you need your socks on. Hey, listen, the socks are on. I hate my feet to be cold. And a t-shirt on so I can pull up the belly and show you that thing that's coming. Right underneath the belly. I leave my underwear and I just take it out of the pee sleeve when it's ready. No, that's country.

Let me get you all up there with the thighs and everything. You need everything. Now, fully pantsless, socks tank top. I make you stay out of the room and then I get under the covers and I tell her she can come in. I'm ready. I'm ready. Yeah.

You afraid of your body? I am. No, don't be that way. Oh, I am that way. You that way, Chobha? A mirror? A mirror? I'd be, oof.

No. She's going to see this body for the 250 I gave her. You got, you should, you know what you need? You need a photo of your body on something, Jay. Oh yeah, that'll work. They're making me, we have to still read, you know, series of things I did. I was trying to get you into it with the photo thing.

Oh, you knew what it was? Yeah. Oh, well photos are great. Y'all got live reads? Yeah. Look at that, making that money. Oh, well photos are great. Y'all got live reads? Yeah. Look at that making that money It's another movie thing. I ain't got no live reads for no paper. Me and Bobby make three million dollars each year or for Aura digital frames. No, we don't. No, we don't. That's not even sort of. He's gonna go punch Kevin Hart in the face next W season.

I don't punch down. That's a joke. It was there. Right up there. I had to take it. That's Bobby. I'm Jay. And to get our full show, sign up for a Sirius XM subscription at SiriusXM.com slash bonfire. Support our show.

Don't be some jerk off just taking the free stuff let them know you want us to be here forever or we won't or we won't subscribe I have so many stories with Kevin we started with that talk about a big women Kev was good to do the like Kev would get a gorgeous girl and then I was like Jay can you entertain her morbidly obese friend? And I had to hear Kev in a bathroom just destroying someone with his enormous wiener and I'm just sitting out there watching The Matrix

with two girls who weigh more than me. It's better than Patrice asking, hey man, let me watch. Just finger blast her in front of me. I'm gonna watch from the doorway. Patrice getting caught jerking off by Kev at his apartment is one of the funniest things ever. I never, what?

He came into, he was in Kev's, Kev had like a pretty small apartment when he first moved out here. And we all came out to LA to visit him the first time. For like a week? We went to his place, well, yeah, Patrice stayed there. Right. At one of the times.

I wasn't there for this trip, but it was told that Patrice was, this is still like, you know, not, yeah, Patrice stayed there at one of the times. I wasn't there for this trip, but it was told that Patrice was, this is still like, you know, not everyone has a laptop, it's like, you know, it's early 2000s, he's got a computer computer, and he's jerking off the point on Kev's computer, like in his little office or whatever,

and Kev just came in, he just walked into the room, and Patrice didn't stop jerking off, he just turned around and did this, he just shoot him, he just, he just shoot him and get out of the room. He didn't have like a, oh my god, I'm caught, I'm sorry. He goes, you're bothering me on what I'm trying to do. That's Patrice.

You will get the hell out of here when you see I'm getting to something. Yeah, he goes, come on man, took me a long time to download these. He didn't give a fuck, man. Patrice? Yeah, he didn't give a fuck. I remember I was at his house one time

and I was in his room and there was just a big jug, like one of those old wine pill-billy jugs. I was like, are you drinking? He goes, no, that's my piss jug. But it was full. It was like this, empty it. Patrice? He goes, I'm too lazy, I got pissed too much

from my diabetes so I just roll over and piss on the jug. And when I fill it up, I empty it. That's probably before the times that I We went to his place. He had a sex swing in his living room. Like it was furniture I remember that and he didn't think it was weird. Yeah, like we went over his house to play Madden football He was like just push that to the side. I'm like, what is this? It's my thing man. Yeah, cuz he got to a weird thing where it was like, I don't think he wanted to, he couldn't fuck, so he would just make chicks cum. Like, that was his thing.

Like, we'd be driving around, and he'd just pull up to a girl, he goes, hey, let me just, I don't want anything from you. I just want to make you cum. Dr. Dildo. Dr. Dildo. He had a doctor's bag full of glass dildos. No!

Listen to me. I'm friends with his mom. Right. And I was talking to her last year, I'm on the phone, I'm like, hey whatever happened to all Patrice's stuff? Because I had, I gave him like this cool mask and like this for his wall and I was what happened to all that stuff? And she was like Bobby, after he died I called up Vaughn and I was like whatever you want it's in a storage unit, you can take whatever you want. And there was a briefcase, like a spy briefcase,

a custom briefcase, and when I opened it up, it was all dildos. Like, fitted, like he cut out foam to fit the dildos, like a spy. And... It's still her son, so she's still kinda like, she probably still cries, she was like, Like he cut out foam to fit the dildos like a spy. And, and, and. It's still her son, so she's still kind of like, she probably still cried. She was like, his dildos.

But she goes, alls want want was that case of dildos. Ha ha ha. Not a photo, not a watch, not a painting, just a briefcase spot. Hey, Georgia, did you happen to catch my dildo fucking attache? Ha ha ha. What a burden I have. A glass like a case of glass dildos He had a case of glass dildos custom-made for the dildos for the dildo. Yeah, dr. He was a professional

He was a professional perfectionist. I could be Damn if you're coming out, you know great shit now first one to the Confidence is so enviable you understand. Hey, it's God's work. It's God's work. If God wants you to come first Listen, my man hood is not based upon how I make you feel I Think I'm an annoying questioner. Did you did you? Oh, no, I got a little less First thing I asked him. what did the 250 cover? Oh? Jesus Christ we forgot to ask dude. Did you get approached by your prostitute again last night? No she wasn't around. Oh you were bummed You're ready for it last night. He was at the bar

Yeah, and the prostitute took his phone out and tried to vim or sell five bills. Five bills? 500. 500? They said she was pretty though but she had a baby seven months ago. But how much, that's how much the session cost? Yeah and a hundred dollars to negotiate with her before anything. A hundred dollars to negotiate there at the bar. Yeah at the bar. That's the retainer. I know the lingo. Well that should be right. If she's there all week and you're there all week and you gave her, if you gave her a hundred down you should be able to give the other four at any given time. Well the hundred dollars to cover exactly what she's going to do.

You know what I mean? Right. Did you ask her for around the world? No, what's that? Shut up Lou. Come on love. It's everything. Everything?

Yeah, it's around the world. Now that's what, now I think you have a prostitute problem, or else you wouldn't have lied that bad. You didn't know what it was. Around the world, I've never, what's that? That's never come across your plate. No. That term ever. No. In the movie Pretty Woman, or anything with prostitutes. I've heard it, yeah, but I don't know what it is.

Oh, now he's ignorant, but with intelligence. I've heard it, but never wanted to know what it meant. But I do sleep with prostitutes. I'm too classy for this nonsense you're saying. The lingo is degrading. I swear to God, he's trying to keep his dignity. This is a work trip, I'm on the clock so. Oh really?

Okay, I'll make sure I cock block you every time you come to the Comedy Store. Put the chick down as a expense. Yeah, so you write it off, dude. Put on your clock, so no. Oh, really? Uh-uh. OK. I'll make sure I cock block you every time you come to the Comedy Store. Well, put the chick down as an expense. Yeah, so you write it off, dude. Put it on your taxes, you asshole. Yeah, yeah. A massage. He goes, put that on your Amex, not your Visa.

The one you use for business only. Yeah. Don't cash Apple right now. Did you catch, I keep asking anyone who was there, did you catch the moment or hear when Tom Brady went up to Jeff Ross? Yeah, I mean. He didn't like that Joe. Well he was really protecting um... Kraft. You know what I mean cuz nine out of ten he invited Kraft there and he

felt that was that on it but I didn't know anything about that until I got back home and all my friends were saying no I didn't know. They had video of him. Oh so in the room you couldn't hear it? I didn't hear it. Oh wow, see I didn't hear it at all. I didn't hear it at all. Live TV. Live TV, y'all heard it. I didn't hear it at all.

Yeah, he went down to Miami and got one of those massages but apparently they have video in the room and he was, I heard, I could be wrong, but he was getting his butt tickled too. Well ain't nothing wrong with those groceries. I'm with you. I mean the groceries is it. Very good feeling. You understand? That's around the world for you,

no matter where the groceries are included. That's actually, that's around the world and to the moon. To the moon. Okay, to the moon. Look how pink you're turning. You want this prostitute so bad. Yeah. I mean, crap for a billionaire.

Yeah, he should be able to... His wife been passed. Yeah, you should be able to go to the movies. Yeah, you should be able to go to the movies. You want this prostitute so bad? Yeah. I mean, crap for a billionaire. Swiped and passed. Yeah, you should be able to go and get a finger in your butt in Miami. I wouldn't put the finger. Not to the first knuckle.

No, no, no. Around the outside? No, no, no. A feller. A feller? A feller kinda guy. Nothing, nothing, nothing penetrating. Just glancing. You better not even have a strong tongue. Yeah, me neither. I elbow you if you got a strong tongue, lady.

I think it's gonna happen Lou this week. Yeah. I could take it or leave it. No, come on man. Oh really? She let you down by asking you for a retainer. Yeah, she's too aggressive with her pricing. Too aggressive. So how much is a great time worth to you? It depends how drunk I am. That's fair. Don't blame it on the alcohol.

See, I'm telling y'all giving alcohol a bad name. Now you know what takes, how much it takes for you to have a good time. For me, a great time is priceless So how much does it charge you will see here if this woman can meet every? Expectation you wanted for her for that night. How much was you willing to spend on it? $500 was fair. Okay, see that's good Dollars is fair. She was hot Jasmine How was the most hot you've been going back and forth on this,

but now that you're thinking about it, now that you're thinking about really getting ready to raise this money for you, you're starting to really get yourself worked up. Jacob and Lou were in love with her, and they wanted me to be their surrogate because they can't do that. So they really wanted it to happen.

Jacob, you can't have sex with a prostitute? Why can't you have sex with a prostitute? Was she taller than you? I mean, he's turning this against me. I don't know. I wasn't... I'm just asking why you're not allowed to have sex with a prostitute. I understand why Black Lou can't. I can. It's not my thing.

Jacob looks like he got his mother in the basement. Oh. He's got dolls in a room. Yeah. Talking about how you never loved me. Jacob, why? Why How you doing this? Oh, she's been dead for months. He just keeps changing her clothes. This was a loose night.

Jacob looked like he'd kill everybody in this place. Oh, there's a ball of rage inside of him. You can look at him. There is that. He's afraid he'd kill. By a lot. He look it. Jacob's going to uncork it so far.

He's afraid he'd kill the hooker by accident. Probably so. Mom! Such strangler. I don't wanna sleep with your dolls, mom! Yes. Have you dressed up as his mother and spanked me and tell me I was a bad boy

for coming home with a B. We have to let Earthquake go because he's gotta do his show now. It was awesome to have you. Thank you. I hope it's the first of many times we get to have you in here. Please, I didn't know y'all was this close.

Y'all in New York. We're in New York. If you're ever in New York, stop by the show. Yeah, I am coming to New York. I come every year for Father's Day. I do a Father's Day show at the Prudential. Oh, New York. I'm sorry, MJ Pack.

We have one here coming up. I think it's the 17th of June. We come there all the time. You can always follow me all the time if you wanna see my shows. The real earthquake on all platforms. And it's been a pleasure and an honor to be in your presence.

Oh, it's our honor, man. Thanks for taking that to the heart, man. Oh man, listen, I'm not kidding, man. You're a legend, man. You know what I'm saying. Not that kind of guy. I hope you go outside and flip it to the valet guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not kidding, you're a legend man. You know what I'm saying. Not that kind of guy. I hope you go outside and flip it to the valet guy. Yeah, yeah.

I don't want this shit. I don't want this shit from this asshole. Quakes House is Monday through Friday, 4 to 6 p.m. Eastern on Kevin Hart's Laugh Out Loud Radio, Channel 96. And again, he's going to be in Mesquite, Texas on the 11th and the 17th and 18th, Springfield, Missouri. Thank you so much, Earthquake, man. Appreciate you. We'll be right back, everybody. It's the Bonfire. Here we go now, here we go now, here we go now, here we go now, here we go now, here

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