The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Washing The Rage

Episode Date: February 9, 2024

Jacob flips out at the laundromat and Jay wants to move into a house alone.

I'm Bobby Kelly and it's Big J. O'Kersen. We're actually a full radio show on Serious XM, not just a podcast. For full episodes of The Bonfire, you can listen on the Serious XM app. Go to seriesxm.com.com for a special offer. And now, The Bonfire with Big J. O'Kersen and Robert Kelly. Robert Kelly. Mike's up. Mike's up. Mike's up.

Mike's up. Mike's up. Mike's up. Mike's up. Mike's up. Mike's up. Mike's up. Mike's up.

Mike's up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. OG. It's... Do you know Singsons Bobby?

Yeah, it's for Dougie Fresh and what's his name? Come on. Come on. I'm Dougie Fresh. Six minutes Dougie Fresh. On, on, on, on, on. And his name is... Slick Rick.

Slick Rick. You just... Slick Rick. Hell yeah. I'm getting there buddy. That was good. I'm getting there. That was really good.

That was nice little build up I made, right? Yeah. Is he gonna get it? Made it kind of rock-ish. I hate doing behind the scenes stuff on the show. Yeah, sure you don't. You love doing behind the scenes. But let me ask you this.

Touch my sh-t-a-mig. Did we talk about... What? Did we talk about Drake's wiener and the biggest celebrity wieners on this show? Did we talk about on this show? Or did we already talk about that on Tuesday? Live show.

I don't know. I don't remember talking about wieners. Well, that show hasn't happened yet. Do we talk about wieners on Tuesday where people can call in and tell us their celebrity big wieners? We do. That's a wiener thing. People want to be part of wiener stuff. People want to be part of wiener stuff. So we already covered this.

We already covered the wiener stuff. Got you. Let me tell you something, Jay. Look at me at me celebrity penis is addictive. I know it's addictive You just start talking about it. You can't stop talking about it. It's addictive nice. You've been bobbled. You just got bobbed Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, That's so good. Five years from now is going to take 20 minutes.

It's going to be a 20-minute show. Oh, yeah. A constant adding on to what you're getting, Jay Bobbed. You've been Jayed. It's Monday. Back Tuesday, what's up, guys? It's Thursday. Now it's Thursday.

Yes. Dude, I saw, I was coming up here. First of all, I'm in the Starbucks. A homeless guy comes in. How do I know he's homeless? Shoes feet. Mm-hmm. You just look down at the feet if there's no shoelaces You're homeless. Yeah, if you got flip-flops on in the winter. Yeah, homeless saw a guy yesterday Just wearing socks one sock off really going to work with his fingernail on his crusty big toe

It was and just like on the street Three steps from a hot dog cart or whatever or some kind of halal food pretty crazy. This guy walked into Starbucks and went Hey, hey Brad, you know some breakfast you give me some breakfast and the lady was like yo You got to go and he went into the you know, the two front doors. Vestibule. The vestibule, he went there and rage shook. And dude for fucking two minutes, just. Eww, a little tear.

And he was just screaming in himself, shaking, because he was so angry. I was like, oh, this guy's about to do something. And there's no way, you can't leave. He's in the vest, he's in the. He in the vest to be I just went over to the corner. There's like a corner I went over to the corner. There was like two old ladies There was a gay guy and some chicks some high some college girls. I was like at least he'll get them first Yeah, and I'll have the college. That's a bigger story

I'll take that fat old gay guy and throw him through the window and then follow him out. That's correct, lead blocker. Yeah, like a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie, what? I do that at my apartment, and he's just like describing my rage shake. You rage shake? Yeah. Alone in your apartment?

That's scary. It's not cool. Is that when you come home from Florida and you're alone with your kiki blanket? I just... Oh, you see it. Just rage shaking. Ah! I just remembered, can I tell you this one quick thing Florida and you're alone with your kiki blanket. Oh, you're just rage-shaking. I just remembered, can I tell you this one quick thing that happened this weekend?

Sure. Miserable New York weekend. My God, the guy, the landlord won't take the garbage out. It was stacked like bags away from the garbage cans were all full. That was already one thing. I'm doing my- I mean that's a rat nest for sure. There's rats everywhere.

I send them photographic emails like please take the fucking garbage out. He just gets to it whenever he wants. But that's nothing. Polish or Russian? He's Italian. Oh, sorry. My Saturday night is I do my laundry at the, across the street.

Sounds hot. Yeah. And it's just me and the, and the Latin woman that runs the place. Yeah. And then there's usually a Latin lady that, that's doing her laundry and it's just kind of the three of us. That you think we, she gets stuck in the dryer and she's like, hello, she's so corn. Hello, senor.

Can you please make fuck to my holes to get me out of here? The only way to get me out is by putting your penis in my bum and then popping me out like a cork. Can you fuck me holes and please get me out of the dishwasher? Excuse me, quiet man that likes to fold shirts perfectly. I do fold them nicely. First of all sir, it's not cool to be ironing your jeans at the place Sir that likes to iron underwear and socks. Could you please put your peepee in my hole?

How you say America Felix hunger? Hello, sir that loves cats Hate cats they should all die Wow he hates cats so much. He doesn't like the Broadway Hello, sir, that loves cats. Let me just say that I hate cats. They should all die. Wow. He hates cats so much he doesn't like the Broadway show. They should all die. They are not.

They're a scourge on this planet. I mean cats. They kill cool animals. But people love their fucking cats. All right, that's beside the point. I digress. Funky, sir. That's a weird thing to fucking cats. All right, let's go. That's beside the point. I digress focus, sir That's a weird thing to hate cats at their bed. They kill billions of birds a year house cats

Fuck a bird. What bird do you like? I? Don't know you're so in the birds. I mean, what I knew in the birds, but not the aviary kind they kill birds Anyway, they love me at this place. I'm sorry. The bird king was good. Can we stop for one second? Yes. The bird thing was great. Why do you you can't love like I can understand liking birds down in Florida because they have a no they kill all over the planet. They wipe out there. They they are decimating. But New York birds suck.

Not just birds. There's pigeons, they're rats. There's no, there's not like, Not like a fucking, I'm talking about just pigeons. Any bird. A fisher king is gonna fly into Queens. There's no cool birds in New York.

You're just thinking about New York City. Okay, but that's where you live. So why would you give a fuck about birds? I don't give a shit about this city. You can be overrun with cats here, okay? He's gonna rage shake right now. He's gonna rage shake. He's about to rage shake.

Yeah, they love their fucking cats. You can't get people to admit that their cats are murderers. I just had my uncle's cat just died. Whatever. From what? Bird flu? What the fuck? Good.

Him no sympathy at all. I mean, man, they called him the old, at the beach, he lives on the beach, they called him the old man with the dog cat, because the cat acted more like a dog. He would fall onto the beach and sit with him. People would rather see the planet completely go into extinction rather than give up their fucking cats. They love their cats. They were never supposed to have been domesticated. My uncle's alone on the beach and that was his only friend. Yeah.

Oh, you don't care? And now he's dead, thank God. Incredible creatures. They're wrong with you. No, there's nothing wrong with me. I'm in the gray area. I don't even fuck about Cassie. I have science in fact and you have emotion behind you. That's all you have.

Also, didn't they domesticate themselves? Jay, she's a woman though. No, they hung in houses and people said, oh. I was on Christine's team and I realized she is a chick. She's just an emotional chick. Although Christine might be controlling this whole thing right now. I don't know if you saw Christine's new look,

but she got in the elevator and terrified an Asian woman in our building, because she doesn't realize that with her sunglasses on, she looks like fucking Morpheus. She goes, no, I don't. I go, put on your glasses and your jacket, please. Fucking Morpheus Christine. Look at the, she says. As she's defending cats, she puts,

she's showing a video of cats killing innocent animals. Yeah, but it's a chicken. It's a chicken. That's not the answer. You eat a chicken. You love a chicken. Oh, what is it? They also kill rats, which you hate. Yes, I do. That's the one thing everyone points to, and they really can't kill billions and billions of rats. They can't make a dent in the rat population.

Well, I don't want you to get too far away from your story here. I'm really completely off the top. Yeah, no, but I want you to get back to it. And I said, because I do have another funny thing I want to show that relates to this, but please continue. Finish your story. I don't want to get too far away. Finish your story, cat hater.

Yeah. But laundry Mexican woman lover. Well, they love me because they know I'm like a sweetheart there. I always have a smile on. Because you're feline. Yeah, because you're like a little cat. I always have a smile on. Because you're a little cat. You're the gato. But they saw.

They call you, they call you, Jacob the Gato. They call you Jacob the Laundry Mat Gato. Hey. Gato the Laundry Mat. When you come in they go, gato. I'm dressed down, you know, t-shirt, but they, you know, I look good for doing my laundry.

Do they scratch you under the chin when you come in? Hello, gato. I don't see myself as a cat. shirt but they look good for doing my laundry. Did they scratch you under the chin when you come in? Hello, Cato. I don't see myself as a cat. What do you see yourself as? I think if I threw you out of the first floor window that you would land, very gently on the ground. 100%.

Yeah, 100%. But the main point is they do like me there, and then, but they saw the other Jacob. What are you saying? Uh-oh. This Saturday, this is how much. They saw I Hate New York Jacob? Yes. They saw Ray shake Jacob?

Full display. Did you Ray shake in a dryer? Bobby, it was pathetic. Oh no, what happened? I called you this weekend, you seemed fine. What was it if we got it out? This is before the incident. This is before it?

Yes. Oh God. Okay, so I did my laundry. Aside from leg day, this is my second least favorite thing to do. Laundry. Obviously, who likes to do laundry? Yeah. But I did my laundry, I washed it, I had it in the dryer. I don't do laundry. But I did my laundry, I washed it, I had it in the dryer.

I don't do laundry. Because you're a man. Boom! Get that done, hang them, don't dry them. I like to shirt the way I bought it. But then, once they're dry, throw them in the dryer, loosen them up a little bit. Loosen them up, yeah, get the little rink out.

Maybe put that, get a little of the stuff out. But you know, but I want to. Morpheus? I'm looking at you. I do the laundry. I know. Can you put your Morpheus glasses on, please? Improve my point, everybody. And fix your hair, because everyone's looking at you now.

I'm going to have my hair out. Wow. Are these Morpheus glasses? I thought they were cool 90s glasses. 100. Yeah, like Morpheus. No, I looked it up. They're not quite. They're Morpheus glasses. Take theies glasses. I thought they were cool 90s hundred No, I looked it up. They're not quite their morphies glasses take the red pill go to skat his or more rounds get blown by a Fat chick with tattoos Wow, there's your hip Christine feels do they click on your nose

Christine feels do they click on your nose? Christine Fias? What? Christine Fias? Christine Fias. Did they click on your nose? They should. His clicked on his nose, he had no sides. Yeah, why are you things possible in the Matrix? Yeah, I didn't know.

Christine, fly to Jacob. Christine. If you just believe in yourself, you can. Christine, get me 1,000 veggie chips. Right now. Make 1,000 veggie chips Christine Fias Christine Fias I mean I like to get it out of there and as fast as possible like you would at home home dry like I'll bring my laundry Down to to Florida because I enjoy

What are you a college student? It's crazy I enjoy. What are you, a college student? It's crazy, but I hate having to walk. I hate having to pay for sales. I hate having to walk. What are you doing? I hate having to walk. You're not at NYU, you asshole.

Jacob, you know Fluff and Fold is not that much more expensive than doing your own work. It's like five bucks more. And put that in Pornhub. It is. Fluff and Fold and Pornhub is a hot one. I would have to be like 40, 50 bucks to do my lot. No.

No. 25 bucks? It's five a pound. Yeah, but it's not that much more expensive. Jacob, how many tiny clothes do you drop off for these people? Yeah, you have a lot of... I wash everything. You're like the last person in New York that does laundry.

Like everybody does. I feel like you'd have the laundry budget of an American girl doll. It's me and a lot of Latina moms. Nice. In their laundry. Can I... Yeah, you can. Yes. Can I ask you one question? A lot of people do their laundry. Can I? Yeah, you can. Yes.

Can I ask you one question? A lot of people do their laundry. That's a crazy statement. Nobody does it. Nobody does it. Not after 22. No. People do fluff and fold.

Drop it off to a person. Drop it off. Drop it off. I do my own laundry and I love cats. Yeah, you guys don't bar out. You have laundry and you're gay. You and Jacob do both live like two Latina immigrants though. Both of you live like immigrants.

Yeah, you live with your brother, you take your full laundry to your family. Don't you have laundry in your house though, you don't go to a mat. I go to a laundry mat. You go to a mat? I live right across the street from one. Do you have laundry in your house? No, not in my complex. Okay.

Laundry mat is crazy. You have to get quarters and shit? It's the worst. Do you drop it off? Do you put it in and leave? Or do you sit there with it? I put it in, run errands around town, and then I come back and take them out myself.

One of those? I said at the top. You're one of those? You leave it? So I go in and your shit's one of those? You leave it? So I go in and your shit's still in there? Because you're getting a latte and some... It's not moving and just taking up the good one?

I would never do that. I don't do that either. I'm always prompt in the exchange. I set my timer for three minutes before the end of the cycle so that I have the walk time to the laundromat. It's awful. Oh, we know you're precise. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm not an animal. Can I ask you a question? You hate animals. Just drop it off once and see how much. It's just. Oh, we know you're precise. Yeah. Yeah, I'm not an animal Do you can actually you hate animals once and see how much it's just one time I know how it is the price is up there and then just compare it to the price of detergent You don't know how many pounds you have I do How you weigh it for your own knowledge of how many pounds of laundry my Also, I feel like like close fluff and Fold sends really hoity-toity, like to the outside. But in New York, it's like, drop off

is kind of just what you do. It's a buck a pound. Do you find the women that work there, have you ever fantasized about doing stuff with them? No, they're not that type. Never, none, not one time. Are they those Mexican potato bodies? It's not that type.

What is that, Jay? I know exactly what that is. Jay. What? How can you, how can you, Jay? What do that? I know exactly what that is. What? How can you? How can you, Jay? What do you mean by that? I was just in San Antonio, dude, home of the Mexican potato body.

And the lower unit was pretty faces. This one was very nasty. You see the pretty face, you go, wow, she's got a very pretty potato body. Four foot seven potato body. Is it an Idaho potato or a russet? Dude, it is just a, it's a thick, it's what they send to Wendy's for their sour cream and chive potatoes. It's a thing, it's a thing.

No, Christine, type in fat Mexican potato body. It didn't come up, it was just Mexican style potatoes. Nice, that's what I mean. This woman's very petite actually. She's petite, no potato body? No, very slim. All right. So I washed it, came back, threw potato body? No, very slim. All right. So I washed it, came back, threw it in the dryer,

my clothes, and then I wait for the dryer because it doesn't take that long. You sit there in a chair? I'm listening to, yeah, or chair, no, I'm usually standing. You stand while it dries? Yes. What do you listen to, Soda's podcast? Oh yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. So don't all dryers take longer than washers? He's still got it that so. I need a good laugh. Yeah, I need to laugh finally. This is my time to laugh.

I'm going to dig into some soda catalog. Interviews with the comedians. So blind. He really gets to the bottom of it. You stand while your clothes dry? Soder catalog. The interviews with the comedians are sublime. He really gets to the bottom of it. You stand while your clothes dry, that's fucking nuts. No, you burn calories. Standing? As opposed to sitting. I don't know about that.

What a weird thing to think about in that regard. Standing versus sitting. I'll stand, burn some calories. Not for a whole dry session. Well, if there's a share. No, if there's a share. Seven. If there's a chair. Seven minutes. Seven minutes to dry what? For 15 minutes.

That's crazy. To dry your clothes. Are you crazy? Seven minutes per corner, per quarter. So seven minutes per quarter. Yeah. Yeah, how many quarters do you put in for the dry? I take it out as, I know the clothes that dry faster, but the max is 21 minutes, but usually 14, they're all done.

21, my dryer runs an hour and 44 minutes. Yeah, these are industrial dryers. My dryer runs, I have no idea. Yeah, you don't know. I don't even know what these are. I asked, she told me to throw something to dry the other day, and I go, how do you put it on? Really?

Yeah, I don't touch that thing. I'm a goddamn man. Never. No, I don't go near a dish. I've done plenty of laundry in my day. Wash me. I did back in the day I did before I had a beautiful wife. I don't do tons of dishes, but I'll do them if there's a bunch in there. But you always I have to rinse them off and put them in the dish wash. I told you I cleaned the house one day. She came home and cried.

Because she couldn't believe you did it or you did a terrible job. Couldn't believe I did it or you did a terrible job Couldn't believe I did it Really? That's the move. It's like exactly I don't hit Christine often because then when I do it hits like thunder Yeah, it changes everything when Jay starts doing stuff like if he starts doing laundry or dishes or anything I take it is like he's being shitty to me like he's doing it like to spite me. Oh He is He's being shitty to me like he's doing it like to spite me. Oh, he is He like flipped the laundry the other day I was like, oh, I guess do you think I'm a piece of shit?

He's banging the dishes extra hard I just want you to hear it. Just like I give you no attitude You give me no attitude Jay reminds like he's a silent scorn guy. Does he silent scorn you? No, but here's what happens. When we get into, inevitably get into an argument at some point, I will then go, I actually do far too much around here. You should be doing more.

I'm picking up slack that I shouldn't even have to do with how wonderful I make your life. But in the moment, I just do it because it's like, yeah, it's no big deal, but I do like saving up those, wow, I'm doing the guy and girl work, seems like too much. Yeah. Yeah. She'll learn. Yeah, Don has that ticket on me though. At any point, she's gonna tell me to go fuck myself.

You make your own dinner and you're gonna look puzzled. What? I mean, ha ha ha ha. Why don't you fry your own dinner and you're gonna look puzzled. What? I mean, ha ha ha. Why don't you fry your own chicken cutlets, yeah. What? What pan do you use? Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Do you just put it on there? Do you gotta put some kind of butter or something? There's egg? There's egg? Egg, ew. I better start cleaning. I better start cleaning. I better start doing some stuff. I'm gonna start going to wife school.

By the way, what I do, and also once in a while, without making a thing about it, not doing anything, if there's just a moment where I'm like, you know what, I'm on the phone or something, Christine's down with the dog or whatever, I'll make the bed and I'll make it so great. And then that night, I will inevitably mention

when we're getting into it, I'm like, tighten tucked in this thing is, and that's it. That's it. But I hope, I like to believe it stays with her for hours, if not days. It does. Okay. It does, right Christine?

Yeah, oh yeah, every time he does something, he's like, see how much better I am at all this? I say it with my eyes though. I don't say it out loud anymore. It's tacky. See, you hear this and you hear jovial fun. I hear this and it frightens me. Why?

Are you kidding? Do you know how I reward her? She goes, oh yeah, I think about it every day and it affects me. Yeah. But I just hear ch-, chaching, chaching. But whenever I feel are getting down, I'd like today, we were a little bit late today

because I took the extra time to turn the light on and do some spinning karate kicks in my now full length tights. Good reason to be late. Before I get in the shower, if I'm wearing my tights, I will do a full karate kata routine. Punches, spin kicks, axe kicks, reverse kicks. Like Elvis? Like Elvis, yeah, like Elvis walking out.

Like Kempo karate. And I leave the room believing to myself that while we all had a good laugh and how funny that was, Christine was probably pretty impressed with how good my, Was it impressive? It was, he does high kicks. The heights of my kicks. You make the noise when you do it the high I should start adding some

kiosk yeah do the thing where I kick my own hands have Christine hold up like plates made of spaghetti oh yeah smash them yeah I have learned in tights though you were tights yeah their compression pants they're tights you mean you wear Spanx their compression pants their tights you mean you wear Spanx Nike compression things for basketball but he just wears them all the time now I don't wear them all the time now I wear them under my rip jeans it's cold outside and when do you wear and I also have I also have I also have ugly color skin for ripped jeans yeah what is it is it? Is it like? Just too pasty.

Just pale. It's funny, because you're sitting there, and Christina's like right next to you, but a foot behind you. When you talk and then to look at her face and her eyebrows. Yeah. But when do you wear ripped jeans all the time?

Well, yeah, definitely. She answers your questions for you, but you don't know that. I don't wear them all the time. Do you wear ripped jeans all the time? No. No, he did a whole trip without his ripped jeans and his tights. Oh, who's a good boy? That's what I heard although I'll tell you what Who's a good boy the jeans that aren't ripped though? I don't love the hang on them with my new boots

So this weekend's gonna be the ripped jeans and subsequently tights I just thought it I have the person you know complain all you want Consequently tight tights. I just thought it I have the first thing you know complain all you want Maybe I'll do spinning karate kicks for another pretty lady fucking better not Enough that's like too much. Nope. Maybe she's gonna get the spin karate kicks karate kick for some other lady I'm fucking gone with the dog. That's it The gauntlet is down. Why are you leaving you don't have to leave in New York? You can stay he has to go to gauntlet us down. Why are you leaving?

You don't have to leave in New York. You can stay. He has to go. I can't afford the apartment on my own. No, he has to pay for it. We're not married. My name's on it though. Yeah, but it's a common law marriage.

It doesn't exist in New York. It doesn't exist in New York. I mean, we looked it up. Noice! Boop that bitch. Boop that bitch. I find out you've been karate kicking for another broad. You taking the dog and leaving?

Sex is one thing. Cotta is another level. I understand what she's saying. Yeah. I understand it. you didn't hear me threaten her with fucking somebody else this weekend I said I was gonna do my tights only karate kicks for some and you see it's center into a real thing Pardon me thinks it's all right You just sit in bed and clap in a towel with your box hanging out while I do karate kicks. It's not a whole thing, it's not a pretty scene.

I laugh. You see a video of a chubby girl with tattoos holding up balloons in a hotel room? Oh, yeah! Well, I'm kicking him. Yeah. She's like, Jake, can you kick this high? Probably. Yeah.

How about this high? I'm gonna have to snap some naked pictures of you as blackmail It only worked it's only happened once and it worked I would have given that girl everything I'd be some money I had to not have done that It's not I get all the funny of it, it's gone, it's, no one's got it, I don't know, it's, I don't think it's possible to find. I think I might, I have an old hard drive,

like one of the ones. Please, please find it. If I, I have this old hard drive with, I mean, I don't even know if it plugs into my computer anymore, I have to find an adapter to plug it in. It would be great if you could possibly find that. I might, I might have it, but let's not, I'll know this.

Like James' picture? Yeah, my naked picture. That was, well, don't even forget, this was Wayne's move, our friend Wayne, when he got it flagged for me. His idea to get it flagged was to call my manager and every of the big dog comics. Yeah, we all got a call.

And go, and go, guys, do me me a favor go to this ad and flag it. The only reason here's the good news everybody I know who told me and showed me in fact that they had a picture of my door hanging out with my arms spread up in a door jam for sure every one of those people and I I appreciate this did also flag it. Everyone because it did get removed quick. They flagged it, but first snapped it. Snapped it. Took a picture and then.

This is the progression. It was like, what the fuck? Look at the little thing. And then we flagged it. Yeah. And then we snapped it. Yes. And then we closed it.

And then we went back as many times as we could before it was gone. Yeah. Yeah, you tell other people. It's like, it's probably still up right now. It's like, you tell everybody, dude, go go flag it because that's the cool thing to do. But also go look at Jay's little wiener and all of his TV credits and everything next to it. Yeah, we wound up telling like we wound up telling open

micers at the time, real estate agents now. You gotta go check this out, dude. By the way, her thing said like I've been featured on VH one and it just says like a bunch of things, comedy central. It was one of the greatest and horrific things I've ever seen. I mean I felt terrible for you but it was so great. Artie Foucault like maybe a year or two later. She's laughing on the line. Wow!

Look at his cheek. Well you've heard me tell that story and Patrice did. We used to go over there for Thanksgiving every year and one year we went over to Thanksgiving. Isabelle is a child like a baby. Not a baby, but like toddler still. And this one, Patrice, was like, I told her on Comedy Central on the Ari Shafir show, I was like, he goes, Jay, go touch the mouse over there

on the computer. And I was like, well, he's like, just go move the mouse. And so I went over and move the mouse. And I just see like the screen like, wake up. And so I went over and moved the mouse, and I just see the screen like, wake up, and it's just a big picture of me with all of his desktop top icons over it. Like he just made it his background of his computer. I was like, Patrice!

He didn't care that Carl, that was a whole thing with my ex. It was a whole thing. And he was like, I don't care, dude. This thing's getting put up. So Patrice has it. I'll never forget the message she sent me. She's like.

It would be funny if it was Patrice's mom took the computer and it's still her screensaver. Aw, that's big J. And it was so, you know, insecure me. I remember the one person like that I ever showed some tinge of jealousy of that girl talking to was, she really liked Dove Davidoff's comedy. Hey, I'm crazy.

It's like I'm making it up as I go. I got a notebook and I got a regular book. It's a Chachesky and, you know, there's the world's a crazy place. I mean, synonyms, what do they do? Where do they go? I don't know. Acronyms. I like them all.

I like to give a girl an acronym. You know what I mean? Well, that got this girl's blonde hairy box Wet my head is my head is thin But I can't put me in jail. I'll my head will sneak out of the bar. Oh, I'm You guys just called up David off his greyhound head He couldn't see if you put something right between his eyes. We used to get him off with a rabbit But she liked Dove's comedy a lot. And you know, we know it was like he had a fight over,

but I think I just showed some tinge of jealousy to her. Yeah. Over that nothing, there was no right with Dove at all. And then in an email she sent me after all the shit went down, she was like, I think I'm gonna go fuck Dove David off. And it just like that, like I was like, and I never asked if she even tried or did. He did. But she was like, I think I'm gonna go fuck Dove David off. And it just like that, like, I was like, and I never asked if she even tried or did. But she was the girl that would.

Jay, hey Jay, I fucked her, you know? I gave her, you know, we hung out, we watched the sunrise set and go back up again. You're making him Christopher Walken, Dove Walken? Dove Walken, I lived in a garbage can. Oh. My father was gay, my mother was a whore. But she, yeah, she put that thing up.

Man, that was a goodie. I said, even when she did it, and the fact that it got flagged so fast, I didn't know yet that all my friends were gonna have a good laugh at it. But I still had that feeling of just like, that was a good one though. That was a good one.

That chick was, I bummed that chick out. I hope you wake up with Christine with her camera phone over you like good fellas. Christine, Christine. I'm just gonna turn the lights open the shower curtain, snap, snap, snap, run away. I hope you wake up in this photography lights on, your legs are spread and you're nude.

The best one might be the shower, like the eye rape reaction where I'm turning like this. I have suds on my fucking tussy. Oh my gosh, she films me, especially by the way, sometimes if I'm listening to the right music in the shower, I'm in the shower, legitimate dancing. Thinking things like, I think if I did this, like in a place, like people would probably think

Like that was actually a pretty cool move. I was a lead singer. I've done this. This is a big-time shower one for me I do like a Put on sour girl we talked about this when we played it before with I do like a Scott what's his name Scott Wylan like like I'm all behind your back But like it's a bit of a, but like it's a bit of a It's a bit of a watch. I'm gonna call it a Mick Jagger But I put a little more like like jazz into it and I do this in the thing but naked Dick little is all hell sudsy

Condition in my hair and I will sing a song while doing lead singer moves. Do you have shower mittens? I've got a shower gloves. You you have shower gloves with no fingers? Will you wash your to see no I wash my to see with a big it's like an oven mitt is just is your soap made of a chain like It's a soap chain soap on a soap on a chain soap on a chain that hooks up to nothing and your little shower mittens But I yeah, if you catch me if someone filmed me in a shower it would be I Probably end up uh Killing yourself. I don't know if I would just outright kill myself But I would definitely get into like hanging from a doorknob and jerking off and just let nature save it just natural selection

You just go into a different industry you start helping kids. I Bump into you like a year from now you have regular regular hair, you have a tie on, a vest. When I hear, Christina doesn't announce herself coming in the bathroom sometimes when I'm taking a shower. What? But because I keep it so dark in there, I sometimes see the light when it opens up, and I'll go, Christine, and then I stop doing

whatever I'm doing immediately. And then also just keep my ass to the shower curtain and just do whatever, like I just wait for her to leave. And then as soon as I hear the door close again, I go right back. What would you do? What would you do? So, Jacob, what the hell were you saying again? Jacob, you're in a laundromat. You're in a laundromat. Two Spanish girls. You're waiting for, you're standing like a psychopath waiting for a dry to go ding. Because you know your shirts dry quicker than your socks. I don't know how you know this shit.

Some stuff is like a shirt's gonna dry quicker than a towel. But you take it out? Yeah, why don't you just let it all dry? Let it all dry. Because it damn it, it'll shorten the life of you over dry something. You ain't lying. I'm gonna tell you.

I feel like that'd be the attitude of somebody who. Christine doesn't know this because she drops her stuff off. No, she doesn't. We have laundry in our place, so she does laundry now. And I'll tell you what, she ain't taking nothing out early.

She takes out the no dry stuff totally. Everything else is, those sweatpants are gonna take as long and dry as those towels. That's just like how to quit and do laundry what you're talking about. You're taking stuff out of the dryer piece by piece? That's pretty fucking nuts.

You're acting like a serial killer shit. No, just a couple of things I know will dry way too soon. Your socks. I don't dry my socks, I let them air dry. Really? What? Why? Because they're almost dry.

Socks? That's the thing. That's the thing to dry. That's the one thing you can let drive with everything. Four hours if you want, and the highest heat it'll change nothing. You don't know how to dry obviously, Jay. You have a home dryer.

Home dryers are actually designed to not damage the clothes. This is like an industrial dryer that is an inferno and your clothes will be on fire if you take them out. He's got a point. Okay, that's fair. When we're up at the tiny house, we have to use, we don't have a dryer or a washer. They're like sensors.

She has to go down and use the one. So anyway, hot. There's sensors on the long dryers. So we're at one thin, one potato lady, you're standing up watching the clothes dry. You just took your socks out. Right. And you have to understand,

you know the rolling bin and a laundry mat for it to move your clothes from the washer to the dryer? Yeah, sure. Okay, so the stuff's done. I open it. I take my clothes out and I realize there's red shit all over my clothes. I don't know what's going on. I look in the dryer. What's the, what's the texture of it? It's like red stuff. It looks like paint. Okay. Oh geez. So it's not in the clothes. It looks it's on it? It looks like paint. Oh, jeez. So it's not in the clothes, it looks like it's on it.

It's on it, but it looks like it's just stuck on paint. And I look, I'm going through all the laundry, I realized, I pull out some piece of trash left lip gloss. She had left it in the dryer. Probably was in some article, of clothes from the last dryer Marked up all of my clothes and then dried it in and then dried it in And now now that's another one that comes out with another wash for sure, right, but Jacob I Told you what I already hate hated New York for the laundry. It's one of your least favorite things, right?

So now I know now I realize I'm just I have to rewash I have to start this whole process over and your body That's one rage Jacob came out. What happened? Just start you stand up and just show us yo soy and Fuego. I'm gonna show you cuz there's This is what I did now. This is what the ladies saw Okay, where the two Mexican ladies She's not by me She's talking Spanish with her friend. What's up? What are you doing? What are you doing? No, bitch! Bitch! Fucker.

Fucking city! And then I take, and then she looks over and I realize I'm being looked at but I can't stop myself. And I take a t-shirt and I go like this into the bin. Eh! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

I throw it with all the rage in my heart into the bin. You fucking thing? I raged through my t-shirt two feet into the bin. But it didn't do it, did it? It didn't make me feel better. No, it wasn't like if you had a cat through it that would have felt good. That would have been nice. And by the way, to all you cat lovers, because I got, the last time I mocked cats, the last time I mocked cats I get horrible things said, I don't care about your stupid cat. Your cat sucks. I thought he was gonna make an apology. Save your cat, save me your cat rage.

Really? Yeah. You know like a little cute cat? They're cute. Well Tabby, they don't belong. I'll tell you why cats are good. You could get a cat, because you can leave a cat for like a week and a half,

just get one of those electronic shit things, leave it some automatic food. A dog, I gotta get a dog sitter every time I go away. A cat, you can just let it die. A dog is awesome. And a dog, you can let a cat just die, you can leave for like six months, come back, throw it out if it's dead.

You can't do that with a dog. Cause a cat will just go outside and kill anything to survive. Yeah, go to the couch and just die. Yeah, I like that. They're not needy. Yeah, go to the couch and just die. Yeah, I like that. They're not needy. Yeah, that's why I don't like. They don't need people.

They're not loving enough. That's what I don't like. They've never need people. They love me. Yeah, I don't like cats. They only think they love you, Christine. No, they love me. You should get a cat, Jacob.

You could use a cat. Whoa. Cats are snobby. Cats are snobby and they come up and they get their little love and then as soon as they're done, they go away and it's like. She misspoke though, Jacob. You could use some pussy.

Not. Yeah, we're talking about some pussy. Some poos hat. Jacob, I have something I wanna show you that I think you will start to love. This might make you feel good. John Carden showed me this this weekend. His new thing he said is looking up night vision videos

of people shooting rats. And there's one guy who does it just every time he hits when he goes, yeah. It was really making me laugh. Can I be honest with you? My favorite, I've been through the whole thing of this. I'm on to, I'm on to coyotes now. Shooting coyotes.

I went from rats, the guy with the rats. Does he go? Yeah, I love it. I love it, because he's usually in farms and barns. It's definitely like more rural area. It's not the city, but still. But then I went to Wild the Hogs. Oh, fucking great.

Cause around seven guys go on a field and they all have the night vision. And it's like Navy SEALs and they're all sitting there and you're watching this massive amount of hogs just pull up and these guys go, go and they go, and you're seeing, and they just level all the pigs. It's so great. But now coyotes, I'm on a coyotes.

Oh yeah. And they, yeah. And pretty soon I'm gonna be on to- Elephants. No, people. Oh yeah? And they, yeah. And pretty soon I'm gonna be on to... Elephants. No, people. Oh yeah, yeah. I'm gonna go to people's necks. Why are they killing that?

Is it like just to hunt them? They're feral, they're invasive and they're taking their very destructive... Well, the Nutri-erat killing is, looks satisfying, but they are, it's like shooting monsters. You're looking down the barrel of a legitimate monster. A Nutri- But those rats are so gentle.

In Japan, you can go into a, they have an animal restaurant, you can go in and feed them. No. 100%. Nope. Yeah. Nutri- Rat. Nutri- Rat, you can go in, they're called something else by the way. Wait, there's those copy bars.

You can go into, you can go into Japan and go pat them. They have, it's called animal restaurant. So you can go in and hang out with little chicks and these things will come up and you feed them and yeah. No, you shouldn't. You should shoot them in the middle of the night. They're adorable. They're monsters.

Can you type in Japanese animal restaurant? Look at those tooth, look at those tooth. Yeah. Dude, that looks like Miley Cyrus. Hey, y'all. I'm a nutrient rat. I'm not wearing panties. Christine, type in Japanese animal restaurant.

And, dude, I would definitely do this. You wouldn't go into a pad of Nutri-Rat? No. They're adorable. I wouldn't eat in a place where it was also at. Wait, they served them? I would have to go racist. I'm not eating here if you're serving that thing. rat no they're adorable I wouldn't eat in a place where it was also at wait they served I would have to go racist I'm not eating here if you're serving that thing they serve rat there the nutrients no no you go you go in place you can eat

whale that'd be a terrible restaurant where the animals were there you get to eat them pet him eat them eat him hey take this handsome giraffe and make me a fucking giraffe steak they do that with. You pick out the animal you're going to boil. Yeah, they're called animal cafes in Japan. Micro pigs? No. Get this thing to fuck away from you while I'm eating. I yell at my own dog to get away from me.

The pig one was great. I've seen pictures of people petting the guinea pigs. In Japan? The little pigs, the baby pigs. Yeah, baby pigs. They have the Nutri-Orat that come up to you that come up to the owl they've all kinds of shit over there love that that's that's that ought of veg you're in seen look at his asshole yeah that's a big asshole yeah um no I don't want any of this happening around

me it's so gross what is that yeah? That's an owl. Yeah. Oh, hey. You want to go fucking hang out with an owl and get a burger for lunch? Look how cute this guy is. You can feel like Harry Potter, Jay. Nope. Now you think that's cute. Not me. I wouldn't do any of this. Nope.

You don't want to be a wizard? Not touching that lizard. I don't want to fucking parrot. I told you. I told you the first time that I went... You did that glory hole for otters. I told you the first time I went to my... The first time I went to my ex--wife's house, which is their mom. Thanks Jacob. Her mom had a That's it right there. Nope, that's it That's a kind of the capybara. Yeah, the Nutri-Rat same thing. I thought so it looks like it, but I think it's different

It's the same family. Well, it does have those two fucking awful teeth Yeah, it's the same it's the same thing. What's it doesn't have those two fucking awful teeth. Yeah, it's the same thing. What's it called? A cocky, what? A cocky bar? A cocky bar. A cocky bar. Petting the baby pigs is the best one. Dude, a cocky bar? You wouldn't pet a cocky bar?

Look at that little cute thing. I don't want to kick it, because it'll be on my shoe. No, none of this. I don't want animals in restaurants where I'm eating. Well, you don't eat there. You just go pet them. Oh, look at the little pigs. Shoot. Oh, I want him as a friend. I know. It really makes restaurants where I'm eating. Well, you don't eat there. You just go back to them. Oh, look at the little pigs. Oh, I want him as a friend.

I know. It really makes me want to not eat. I would eat that, though. Oh, my God. Oh, I have a suckling pig in a second. I play with that, and then I literally cut its throat and fry it. I couldn't do that, but I'd give it to somebody to do that.

I'd have no problem just having crackling. Oh, you ever have crackling? So good. Now, what is that? That's the pig skin. Oh, it's like bacon. Pork rinds. It's pork rinds with meat, the meat on it though. Pork rinds has no meat. Cheech-a-roans. Cheech-a-roans, that's what you say. Yeah. I love a cheech-a-roans. Again, my ex-wife used to cut the fatty parts off for me, so I could just have the meat and then she would would give it to me. Christine being frustrated with that, like not even frustrated, talk about losing an attraction. Because when we would go out to eat with like,

when we go out to eat with Carla, she still instinctively will do some of that stuff. And then Christine will be looking, she's like, she's watching her like give me like some like pieces of meat that are cut up like a child and I take them. How good you do? Of course I do. Well, like you're a farm animal?

It looks weird though for sure. No, she just goes- I think it doesn't like fat and I get that because I'm the same. Like Karla will like cut it like she'll take like a piece because she gets like, you know, whatever medium rib, medium rib prime rib. And so like she'll cut around it and get a little piece that Jay won't be grossed out by and like handed over to him. Yummy.

And you're just sitting there and you're like, okay. Okay. Christine, you don't cut meat for J. No. She's never asked me to open the hanger for the plane. She's never done anything like that. She doesn't care. When you go to eat, you don't cut a little piece off,

I'm gonna go try this. You should do. You share. Nope. Well, we usually share. Christine wants to eat all of her own food. No, we share a lot, but I, you know. I mean, I'm trying to think. It seems like here's the thing. It's like it didn't even seem like a power move.

It just was like they've been together so long, that's what she does. But I'm just sitting there watching it happen. And I'm like, OK. But you've been. It must look weird to have your boyfriend cutting up cutting up piece to steak for me. for him. Are these fatty parts? I don't like fatty parts. Did she fix his hair too? You got something right there.

You got a little something. Hey, but you've been with Jay longer than they were together at this point? Same time about. Yeah, about. Yeah, this is. But this was like, you know, when I first met Carla and Isabella, so, you know. Not anymore. Yeah, she probably still would.

She probably still did. I would fucking pay her $100 to just cut your. I'd rather her come over. If Carla was hilarious, she would come over, take my full plate, and then cut up all my food, and then give me the plate back. And I would just sit there and keep talking to Christine like that wasn't happening.

I go, what did you get? That looks good. Do you want Carla to cut it up for you? You don't want to eat in pieces? I like grabbing pieces. I eat a little bit of my burger, and then I play in my color. Christine, Christine was a man.

Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah, hey listen, I want a woman. Yeah, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Hey listen, I want a woman. That's... Hey look man, you can't always get what you want. If you try sometime, you just might find... You got Morpheus. I got Morpheus.

Christine, what was it? I got Girl Morpheus. Christine? Although I'm... Listen, we'll find out when I do the ultimate betrayal of Christine and do tight karate kicks for another woman. We'll see. We'll see what the reaction is, because I do like Christine's reaction to my karate kicks. Who's on or off?

Off. Oh, okay. Actually barefoot. Wow. This is rare for me. That is rare. You can slip and snap your spine. Well, I like it because I can move on the floor.

I just glide across that floor. That'd be the worst way for you. If you throw one of these stupid kicks and you crack your spine and you become a paraplegic, you have to do the show through a straw. That'd be great. That'd be so great. What happened?

He goes, too awesome. I was doing too awesome acarati kicks. I don't know, it's been a long time, way, way early in this show though. Blackloo was able to do a pretty impressive spinning, like the two legs, like spinning scissor kick. Maybe that calls out in the hall. Well, you, are you, are you a black belt in something besides regular life? No, no, you just taught yourself to do a spinning. He needs to do a little karate back in the day day with who like in the park with like a guy

Plainfield, New Jersey little hood area. So it was a hood karate. That's where to do it Was it like at a boys club or teacher was shown off? YMCA so some Vietnam vet came in and taught you guys you got to learn to defend yourself from the white man They know how to box we know how to kung fu I trust it I took karate at the Jewish Community Center growing up and I think Christine will tell you those kicks are tight Wait, you're that kick game on throwing is still pretty tight. Can you still throw a kick black low? I mean I would I would need to stretch Yeah, I haven't done it in so long, but if Jake can do it, I want to see Jay do it. I didn't think I could do that I don't think I do that spinning kick. No way. Did I also do it? Did I do pretty good?

Yeah, I'll try with no stretching. What is it? Something else have you spin kick just a hamstring rip But black lose looked much better than yeah, yeah, he did really nice job. She was in his 30s when he took pen. That was back in my 30s. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha the Tited Karate Kicks. I would love to see a kick. Yeah, well I'm sorry Jacob, but you hate New York so much, I really am. I wish you'd find some happiness here. No, you should get a cat.

I bet if you got a cat, the right one. Get the right one, one that looks cool. Get one that looks like a jaguar. Can you get a bangle? Yeah, get one of those fucking crazy. I don't want a cat. What, dude, get a dog cat. You would love it of those fucking crazy... I don't want a cat. What? Dude, get a dog cat. You would love it, Jacob.

Dog cats I heard are okay. Or as far as I'm actually allergic to cats. What? Wow. So that explains it. No, I hate them. I want one of these. You've never gotten the feel of the love from one because you can't get near it or you start sneezing.

Christine, what are those cats called? Bangle cat. Yeah, you want one of those when it dies, you're gonna make a bag out of it. It is a nice pelt. Yeah, this is what Christine makes her jackets out of. She'll wear it as a hat in a couple years. None of it's real, man.

It's all the matrix, doesn't matter. This cat isn't real. The cat is only what you believe it to be. It's a series of zeros and ones. I really want to get a couple cats, but Jay said that we would have to declaw them, which I just think is crazy. You'd have to declaw them and you'd have, I mean, your whole house would be cat hair, which would suck. A toady dog hair. Oh, yeah, my dog doesn't have...

Shedding. Doesn't shed. I told Dom, we're getting a dog, you want another dog? We're getting the Brad Pitt of dogs. I want the motherfucker. I don't want shedding, I don't want any of that shit. When I would consider getting, when Dawkins gets older, I will get another dog.

And that dog will, never again will I purchase, or not purchase, but get, rescue, whatever, a dog that sheds. We did it, we did our job for that. The next one doesn't shed. Great dog shed. Why are you making a sad face? Because that really limits.

Yeah, it does, it limits the hair on your jeans. Very cute dogs. It limits the hair on your jeans and shirts and the amount of lint brushes you have to have around your house. Christine's becoming an old spinster lady now, so it doesn't matter. She doesn't mind being completely covered in dog hair.

I tell her every day when she leaves the house, you look ridiculous, you're covered in dog hair. She goes, oh. And then she goes, oh, there's a lint thing or whatever in the place and doesn't really do anything about it. And she just lives life covered in dog. She doesn't give a shit.

It bothers me. I hate going to somebody's house and you sit down and they go, oh, sorry. And you look down and you're like, oh, fuck me. Yep, I agree. It's like, God damn it. I agree. It's a bad way to live your life.

I just don't like dog hair. I don't like it. I don't like cat hair. I don't like dog hair. I don't like smelling like it. Well, I also get, I'm not allergic to dog. I mean, I sneeze through a lot of it. So I don't think I'm fully allergic,

but it's like when there's hair around, I definitely sneeze. I get itchy. There will be a stage of life So I don't think I'm fully allergic, but it's like when there's hair around it, I definitely sneeze. I get itchy. There will be a stage of life where I don't, when I'm full in the Hampshire, when I'm done with all of it and I go full, live, free, or die, and I'm just wearing the same shit all the time, I will just get a fuck you dog, like a pack of dogs.

And I just walk out in the woods with just a pack of awesome fucking dogs. It gotta just walk out in the woods with just a pack of awesome fucking dogs. It doesn't matter if they should because you just keep them in a giant cage outside and throw them like a fucking porterhouse every day. Yeah. Kill that. I would get a pig though. Yeah. And Christine, her face is the worst

for making you feel any kind of way about anything. It's the same when I go, I'm so excited to buy a house one day and have some room. And she's like, yeah, it's just, it's got like, that's the tone of everything already. Do you know what I mean? What do you mean? I know I don't.

The tone of like, it's just, it's nothing's gonna be like, that is exciting. Hey, let's fantasize together about something that's not even happening yet. She's already like with the, yeah, but if it doesn't have this, I'll hate it, I don't wanna go. If the faucets aren't this way

It's like the dumbest shit, but I think women are supposed to do that because Dawn does the same thing Cuz we're trying to buy a new house and I'll be like but she wants to buy a new house Don wants to buy a new house, but I'll bring I'll be like hey, what about she like no we can't I'm like oh fuck We stop I'm just fantasizing, But she's not even doing that. She's doing the very tangible things. Instead of just being like that, everything's just kind of like, ugh.

She gets these awful faces on you, like, well, that makes me not want to do anything at all ever. And when Christine doesn't blink for more than three minutes, I get nervous. Yeah. Well, she's a machine. I'm just telling everybody in the studio,

she's been staring at the side of your ear. Yeah, she's a machine sent sent here She's a machine that was sent here from the future to ruin my life Unfair I've come around to the idea. I just told you I don't want to live in some sopranos house in New Jersey I was like I have an idea of like what type of house I would want to get more modern you too Yeah, please all the ones that you show are just like not it and that's why I said I'm like they're just not right She doesn't look at anything herself. Please don't get a fucking Anthony. Comey a guinea-wop house Please don't get houses. I love I don't want to see a walkway Like a like a bridge in the living room shit and stupid curtains on top of curtains on top of

Curtains on top of curtains on top of. Ugh, Gumi's house sucked. I love it. That's what a lot of the houses in Jersey are like, and I like a nice like, like stark white, like dark wood or modern, like I know what I like, and I'm like, we'll find it, but I just don't like a lot of houses that are out there. So she's taking it, so.

And a stupid little island in the middle that, oh, you should just say that. My point being, Also 15 years in Manhattan is house to leave. These are houses, you should stay. These are houses on, these are houses these are houses on you should stay these are houses on These are houses that are on the market currently For some time you're just looking on Zillow and it's just like you know, I'm here look at the pool

We're there. Ah, she's not she's never sent one thing herself like oh, this is kind of what it's awesome So I don't even do look at I look at Zillow 100% of days I go to see if there's any updates and just kind of peek around at it. I look at places that are, I definitely too far away, but you're like, ah, it's one of the new ones that's showing up, so let me just take a peek at what it is. You know what I mean?

And she just has, she's become my stepmother, Diane. Now I haven't, you send me stuff and I go, oh, that one's nice, I like the pull in that one, the outdoor space is good, you're just like look you want everything like That's great Everything's not great. I do like that. I mean we're looking at things. We're not gonna get we're just like hey Isn't this look at that look at that? Well, you are look at that play. It's just No

Negative It's just negative. No. She is a negative, negative person. No. She's only here to poo poo fun. Never do it or generate any. She just, you go, this would be fun. And then she goes, eh, wha. Or maybe once in a while she'll be like, okay, we'll do that thing.

But she's a- Yeah, but the house, you gotta stand. Mm-hmm. Please? She is a good filter when you buy a house We'll do that thing. But she's a- Yeah, but the house, you gotta stand. Please? She is a good filter when you buy a house because you don't wanna get that stupid Jersey house dude with some big wall you're gonna have to put a fucking oversized mirror on. Oh no, I've said, I don't want like the grand entrances

and none of this stuff. Yeah, yeah. But sometimes I show a house, I go, is it crazy that this seems like it's something that we could afford ultimately? And look at the side and it's just, ugh. If you get a chandelier on the front floor here, I'm gonna cut it off.

Yeah, I don't want that. If I walk in and I see some stew, yeah, Kumi is sucked. I didn't want to get sucked. I didn't think Kumi is sucked though. Oh, what was good about it? That bout back is all I remember. The bout back was, it was like somebody shrunk. It was like, no, it was like the big,

had a stupid T-Rex. Yeah, no, I didn't like it. You're in your 50s. His decorating wasn't my thing. I'm saying he had that high up hot tub. High up hot tub. That went into the pool. Yeah, that was gross. That went into the pool. Yeah, that was gross

No, it's not that was disgusting. It's not disgusting Have you ever gone to one of his parties and saw who was in that thing dripping probably that's disgusting for sure Yes, that part may be just finger He's finger banging two fans in there with some other fan. You don't know yeah some do with a big head in the fucking weird I yes Yes, I'm not talking about the contents of pool maybe questionable and his pool was he had it you could boil rice in his yeah I like a warm I know dude. No a pool is supposed to be refreshing You're not supposed to make rice a rony in your goddamn pool. You can now not in his pool

It's nice to be able to if you do to To have the ability to though you got a jump look at the hot tub is hot, the pool is refreshing. You don't jump in the hot tub and then the pool is no fucking different except bubbles. No, I mean it should be a thing that's warm but when you come out of the hot tub because the hot tub is hot, yeah, that the water feels refreshing. I'll tell you what was good about Kumiya's house. I love the outside kitchen. The basement. Basement killer. Basement was great because he had the, the, the, the, the. The karaoke stage, the studio.

He had the sexual assault room. Yeah. And then he had the studio where they could talk about that. Whatever happened in that room. And well, that was the sexual assault room. Oh, okay. Nice. Yeah, you get him watching a movie and then you bury it.

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