The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - We All Have Demons (feat. Sal Vulcano, Mike Finoia, Joe DeRosa & Aaron Berg)

Episode Date: April 27, 2020

Jacob and Black Lou have malfunctions at their school dances. Sal Vulcano recalls the time his mom picked him up at school dressed as Homey D. Clown. The growing fascination with Jensen Ackles and the best practices for killing demons continues with Jay, Christine and Jacob. Guest Aaron Berg joins the show as they do impressions of 80’s and 90’s impression comics.

You're listening to Comedy Central! Hi, I'm Dan Soder. I'm Big J. Ocasin. And you're listening to the Best of the Bond Fire. Stay tuned to hear some of our favorite moments from this week. You can listen to the Bond Fire Live every Monday through Thursday from 6th APM on Comedy Central Radio, Serious XM95, or on demand on the Serious XM app. Also, be sure to follow us on all social media at the Bond Fire, SXM.

Hi, it's Jake and then welcome to the Bonfire's Best of the Week. No one on the show can claim that high school were their best years, but after Jay and Dan confessed to having miserable school dance experiences, two show producers admitted to having a couple of dance malfunctions of their own. I went to like three dances total and I hated all of them. I went to two. One of them was in eighth grade and I, the girl took pity on me. She knew I had a giant crush on her.

Oh, I thought you were about to say a giant dick. I thought that's how you're going to reveal it because she knew I had a hog. I had never danced with a girl before, aside from a family member at a wedding. I got on to the floor with her and the song started and I held her hand and her waist and I immediately full-bombed up on the floor. Jacob. I didn't have no control. You were a high school rom-com, dude.

I love you dance like this. I love dancing. I love dancing. I love such formal dancing gave you a b-a-a-boner. My thin slacks. And I didn't know what to do because I wasn't that crowded. And I know looking back on to do because I wasn't that crowded and I know Looking back on it like teachers were laughing

You know, they were like monitoring the dance, but I had to You're telling me that chap roads were like chap roads like I see you 10 point over there, bro, And I'm gonna need you to back that shit down. Yeah. Well, not a quarter, not half. I full-boned in my pants on the floor. And I had to hunch dance with her. No, no, no, no.

It's like, couldn't. I couldn't walk off the floor because it was so long. And then when the song, I couldn't walk off the floor because I it was so I couldn't wait for the song to end Because I mean also I wanted it to go on forever because I was dancing I honestly thought you were gonna say like I wanted it to go on forever because I was close to pop and Black Lou you said you Good dance experience band dance experiences. I thought you would have been a fucking Most of my dance experiences were great other than the first one. The first one was like seventh grade

You know how many used to have the dances that they'd also have the Something else going on in the school at the same time So they have like a tricky tray basically going on at the same time It's basically like a sweepstakes, everybody signs up and they bid on an item, but it's a silent bid. A silent auction, yeah, okay. Yeah, stuff like that. I was dating this black girl named Tiffany. And I had, are we going to dial it back as Tiffany going to be the one that turned you right to the white ass. This is your fucking origin story of you, Dagen Pink, plus. So this was like my first dance.

I went out, I got a new shirt, new khakis, new shoes, thought I was fly, like new haircut, everything. I was in there chilling. I noticed people like start looking at me as I'm dancing with her, so I'm thinking, that's awesome. Same thing as Jacob. The hardest boner I had ever had. I didn't even know I had a boner.

That's how hard it was. And teachers were like one by one taking me and walking me to the tricky tray for five minutes to calm down and then walk back there and I would still get the heart on. Like I didn't realize until later on in the dance what was happening and even then I still couldn't control it So you were wearing emcee hammer pants where you can really see a

Fucking had a carnival under those things. They were walking you to the what Lou? Did you call it? What's the tricky tray the the check em over? It's like it's just sort of like to the back of the room where they were It's like a little like a silent auction thing going on the teacher Oh, oh, oh, he didn't know they were walking away from the dance to like let his bone go down and then sit him I got there Dude, they're talking to each other and they go who wants to take Lewis on a cool off lap Guys, let's get we got to get Lou over in the penalty box again. Yeah, he's hard sticking Hey everyone it it's Black Loop. Salvo Conno joined the show this week.

After getting into a discussion of embarrassing childhood moments, Salvo called the memory that still haunts him until this day. I mean, I think it would haunt everyone. Take a listen. You got me. You got me. Yeah, your mom did a good job. Well, I can't believe my mom won a million, you and her friends. I mean, I can only my mom won't be able to get you in front of friends.

I mean, I can fill the whole two hours, but yeah, the one like, I mean, she humiliates me daily in front of friends to like daily, like even today in quarantine, she should really do it, but um, one that stood out the second you said it, unpromptedquested He shows up and I used to take the train to school when I started high school Yeah, and we used to we all the kids from my neighborhood used to walk to the same train station About a mile from my house Grads me a train station and I used to take that and then the stop a few stops and the stop was directly at the high school Coming home was the reverse. Yeah, get over the transition walk home a mile So one day she decided she picked up my sister, she decides to show up. I'm a freshman. First, it's the first like two months of high school. So I'm really like, I'm really like trying to, it's still like what cement really, you know, like I'm trying to like establish who I'm gonna be with this group of people.

You know, to pick me up doesn't even tell me, she thinks she's doing me a favor, she thinks it's funny, that she's dressed like homey to clown from a living color. Oh man. Make up. A full outfit. Did she have the sock? Did she have the sock? No. up. She had she she wasn't in like like you know like black face right now she was just I was definitely I forget exactly what what it kind of looks like but she we loved it like you just home in

kind of restaurant she knew I loved it so she's trying to something nice she shows up at least. She didn't have that big collar. But she shows up and she goes, Sal, Sal and I hear I'm walking with my friends. I'm holding in that day too. You didn't we didn't have lockers. I'm holding every textbook I have in a double bag and I hear going, Sal, Sal and I stopped and I was with two of my friends and all the like older kids and I said, please don't please don't be I don't know why my mother's calling me and why this is a voice I turn around I was already gonna be a barrister She's calling me like I'll drive you

Turned around and she was Woldered in this outfit I'm homey the clown Oh boy seen from a movie right? I looked at her. I got speeches. I took like three steps back. It was like the beach and saving private Ryan. I dropped my double bag. I heard a textible tip to concrete. I turned, didn't say anything to anyone. I turned and just ran until I tired. To be a good, a good mile. And then your mom and then your mother and then your mother the clown had to go retrieve your textbooks I assume and really spent some extra time with the people she was 10 she was 10 feet away

She got the big got in the car and then I saw her home later on and she's like what is what are you doing? What's the problem you can't run from me like that now? I said you ran from her like she was it. Dude, South Forest gum, the first few that you had coronavirus and was running toward me. Cool thing. It is the first five minutes of Pennywise of it. I tell you it started. You hear you hear, you hear, and by the way, when you turn around and realize that your mom,

you were hoping that it was only an evil clown that you could only see yourself. It's not just any fears. You want all the, hey, South. see yourself. I don't know how she thought that was gonna go any other way to show up on a Friday and have the mom who came as a client. There's actually, that is pretty, there's adult men right now, Sal, who tell that story also, of you, of your mother. Oh, for sure.

There's no doubt people tell that story because there was a good couple of dozen kids, couple of dozen kids couple of dozen Was it immediately brought up was it immediately brought up the next day like someone was like was your mom dressed like homie the club Did you want guests homie the clown? She sang it She said look homie the clown and I just I just I can't I never react I said you have a cry but rage cry?

Yeah, I mean my dad I was my dad drank himself to look like Fire Marshall Bill. So yeah I remember when I was running I was like crying and Because I was like I was enraged But I was so mortified that it was coming out as tears and I was running in a Catholic school uniform I was disregarding intersections and I just was going AHHHHH! And then when she got home, sorry if I spiked the bike, when she got home I couldn't even get the words to tell her

what were you thinking and then she made it worse because she showed no remorse for it. Oh, it's like, oh, stop. This is the social death of me. It was thankfully you did what you know now. I'm very social but it would have been so awesome if she did do full blackface and then clown make like if she really went all in. And she shows up like that, Al Jolson. She had the wig, the shoes, and the outfit, and the paint.

She probably was more of a clown, but she intended in her head that she was holding me to clown. Camper is what's up with black Lou. Jay and Jacob have been tearing through more episodes of their new favorite show, Supernatural and their fascination with Jensen Ackles and the best ways to kill demons has been growing.

It just makes you crazy. There's an episode I just watched where Jensen Eckles has to make a deal with the devil. Can you please call him? I just watched it episode myself. His name's Dean. His name's Dean. Where Dean Winchester has to make a deal with the devil.

They're on the crossroads. Maybe the hottest girl I've ever seen. But then to next episode, I know she's going to be the second hottest. Yeah. Yeah, it's a. I know she's going to be the second hottest. Yeah. Yeah. It's a. My role, Jay, the Satan was a was a hot chick for sure. For sure, hot chick. See, like, what did she do to you?

Like, mag him into the deal where she's like, what? You don't want any. Then fire tips. He ultimately had to make a deal. And part of her deal was that she had to make out with him or she wouldn't go through with it because he's so turned on by him. She did. The devil walked up to him and went, my, my Dean Winchef sir, you are nice to look at.

I've heard the rumors, but all of hell is talking about our audience. Yeah. They're all sort of. They're not wrong. He goes, I'll tell you what, these paranormal hunters man, like, they're a pain's nances, but there's this one. You guys, you guys have seen Dean, and they go, what's up? I'll let him lock me in a spirit box anytime it wants. It was funny, too. Season two, we're both on season two, me and Jacob, both.

And I gotta tell you, I don't even, I don't know if the other brother is just getting so less appealing to me because Dean so hot or if Dean is somehow actually getting exponentially better looking. He doesn't have a bad angle. I'm telling you, I did a deep dive on Dean Akons last night. I go, I gotta see what this guy's life's about. It looks like it's pretty. He does what he wants, he grows a beard.

He grows a nice long beard. He does what he wants. He grows a nice long beard when the show's not happening. He's got a smoking hot wife, two daughters, runs a brewery. And I love you coming back. You're just knowing your ability to take people down a peg. And you're like, guys, you got nothing. I got, he's clean. I'll tell you, his down right now is,

I'm seeing him right now from 2006, I guess, to the season two, to the sixth. And when I looked at from 2006, I guess, this season two to the six. And when I looked at his Instagram, I will say while a handsome man still, I will say that he is, you see the 15 years on him for sure. I think he actually matured well. But he did. I'll tell you one thing, Jay. He did because the other ones get Jack Nicholson Harris, Christine called it. Yes.

That's great. Jack Nicholson has the other brother. Well, I can tell you, Jensen, Eccles, not losing any muscle mass during this quarantine, because I watched his architectural digest tour of his house with his wife full gym inside. And he's training for, he was training for a marathon. Damn, dude. He's ripped. Yeah, he's very in the sports and shit. He's just a real dude. He's hanging out with him.

And I'll tell you what, if you're the devil, you want to make out with him. Yeah. And if you're Jacob, you want to run down the street screaming about him. Not a terrible actor, but I will come back to this every time. And I have to say in Jacob, I feel like it was one of the very recent episodes after I brought it up to you that I believe he has a sentence in the, yes, the other

one. Yeah. So he's getting Jeff Nicholson hair. Jacob, I want to say to you, the sentence that it was said on the show the other day is like, yo, you keep saying we can't waste this dude until we can, until you say I can waste them, but I'm ready to smoke this thing right now. And you're talking about like an apparition. That's how you smoke. They're all wearing two-pock bandanas. Yeah, let's go get a backwards and then roll this, roll this joke, this fucking gun stuff and smoke them. I'll tell you what, dude, when and if you ever even believe for a second or sort of believe, there's an outside chance that you might have some creepy paranormal stuff happening in your life. You have salt in the house. Odds are your fights.

You put a salt barrier, make sure the circle is complete. Like don't leave even a centimeter of a gap or they can create. Can you say that again? So if you, if you have a ghost in your house, you make a salt circle. If you don't want to evil entity to get you, you create a salt barrier around the entire, any entrance.

Yeah, salt the windows indoors. Here's the problem. And it does seem to work at times on the show. However, when necessary for story moving forward, a lot of times there'll be like, Demon, we salted, we salted the doors, Nego. You think that shit works on me? I thought, oh, that's the thing. Oh, you can't do that. You can't turn the only good science in the show on its head. I mean, you can't. I think we could science.

I mean, in the middle of a pentagram, and they can't get out of that. I love that. Salt is always involved. I promise you, if it's a ghost or any kind of evil you can shoot it with a salt shotgun thing If you want to keep them out of your place you this is absolutely true and Jacob will back this up if it's something You need to keep out of your place or out of like you know an area you create a border of salt that they can't get through and If it's a vengeful spirit all you got to do is find the remains and a vengeful spirit, all you gotta do is find the remains and salt and burn them. And by season two, which is what I'm in now in Jacobson, they say the things like, they have to start

writing complications in because they go, oh, yeah, look at that. That little girl was taken and killed by that vengeful spirit. It's like, all right, so I'm just gonna find the remains salt and burn the bones we're at here. And they go, yes, but also they think you're a murderer and you're gonna be dealing with the cops a lot. Okay, that's okay. What if you didn't know that the entire time this thing was on the CW, all the commercials were for like

high blood pressure medication? That's what I wanted. I know. You ran the him. Are you even a lot salt? Are you dealing with evil spirits? New Anthem for your blood pressure? Your sodium? Dan, and I think Jay will back me up to two things. First of all, they trip and fall into the hottest pussy. The most bum fuck towns have the most

smoking hot girls in it. And you've never also seen so many hot moms that they have a 10 year old kid in their 23 year old women or something. The girls are super natural. Okay. The girls are smoking. The girls are all smoking hot on the show that they have to deal with and I will say this. Not only are some of the mothers, some of them are not. Some of them widows, but every single one available for that day. They are all ill and I'll tell you what, it doesn't matter if the episode's about their husband

dying. They're still ready for that day. What if that's how the show ends and Dean is murdered by a husband that he, he, he, Dean, you know, you know, I never banged him. He just kisses it. He hears you. The argument of the couple goes, don't give me that ghost hunter shit again, darling. Hi, this is DJ Liu. And on this week's quarantine loss tapes, Aaron Berg and Joe D'Arosa joined the guys to

talk about the hacky things that impressionists do that drive them absolutely crazy And also what makes Dan Soto a great comedian and impressionist. There's a clip one of my favorite things ever He's like man grocery store is pretty crazy grocery store is pretty crazy You walking out of the aisle and it's like what am I in an episode of saturday night fever was on a Saturday night fever. Bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump,

bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, bump, b but it was a time restaurant and attached to a roadside motel where you would stay. I know where you're talking about the back door. And there was a comedy club in the back. There's a comedy room.

If you could draw audience to it, it wouldn't have been like a bad show necessarily. It was just like everything else about it. Just fucking sucked. I watched some comic that just did a set up. And I'd watch five shows. I was opening for him. Yeah.

And it was like, he's goes, I had a dream the other night. Really weird dream. And I was doing a burger king. I was doing a burger king. And I just, I think I may have seen the show before even Dan, have I? I was like, I had a dream the other night.

And I mean, it was great. Basically, what he just, my wife said, he goes, and everyone I happen to do an impression of was working there. But he didn't say that, he just goes, I had a dream of, I was in a burger king, and then he gives you, it's like eight things. And then you look through a memory does them all

so that he can go through the thing and do the, I mean like, you know, like dice covered this in Elite five or whatever on dice man comics, you know what I mean? Like the impression delivery like that, like the camping trip thing But he even does it such a campy delivery of that he's getting ready to do it and over hyping it This guy just goes out of dream. Homer Simpson was a manager still and it was everyone years like still on all fries

Arnold Schwarzenegger was working the drive through well, and it's just like I hear you all the police I don't have the've got enough burger, daddy. You're forgetting the greatest way that they walk someone into the impression is they just go, and so and so was there. Like they're blown away.

Yeah, I can't. My least favorite, my two least favorite things in impression is do. Number one, when they're in the scenario, so they'll be like doing Stallone, and they'll be like, Hey, I don't know, you know, hey, Arnold Schwarzenegger, what do you think? And that's how he throws it. That's right. And I hate when they start the impression, they go, okay, okay, this is Regis Filvin here. Okay, you

fuck. I've just run over that. Find these second place. I have to tell you. I'm having a few, I'm having a, yeah. I'm president Bill Clinton. Oh, dude. I can prove of this pussy. Yeah, dude. I can't do it. What's this, man?

I can't do it. When they see the person, they react to the person like, in the room, they go, President Barack Obama, what are you doing here? Well, I was going to talk to you because I was in the neighborhood. And you're like, oh my God. Man, I gotta find it again.

Dan Perlman recorded this thing years ago. He had a guy, he was bombing so bad at this open mic, doing his impressions that he started staying the wrong person for the impression. He just goes, he's like, fucking out. He goes, he's like, fucking out no bomb with his fucking cocky ass and he's goes uh uh uh politics. I'm not doing any just someone I'll get the audience.

It's so fucking good. That's the guy. I play this clip for you before. I had it on my phone because the guy goes at the end he goes a lot of people in the world like the fucking good. That's the guy, I played this clip for you before. I had it on my phone because the guy goes at the end, he goes, a lot of people in the world like the fucking slap. You know what I mean? There's a lot of people out there that love to slap like a snookie, like the fucking slap her whole Cogin, love to give him a good slap. And he goes end the most slapable motherfucker of all, the mostable jean simmonds, you know? What the slap that guy? And then there was no jokes attached to that.

And he goes, no, it's crazy though now. No, no, no. You know what's crazy though now? They got the lesbians now, you know what I mean? Lesbians used to be cool. You know, I used to get down with lesbians, you know, but now they want to be all gay and shit. Hey, Frankie, but I'm Frankie Badu-Du- whatever.

He's what, he's what, he's what, he's what, he's not he want to be all gay and shit. Hey Frankie, but I'm Frankie, but I do do whatever he's What if you know, it's not gonna be all gay and shit? I'm Frankie Schwarz. I'm Frankie Fischel. Oh, you guys have been you. Stan, you are you are very lucky that you have good taste. Dude, I'm so lovely. I'm the impression to have an act like this. I honestly had this while we were acts like this. I honestly had While we were talking about it, I had to go back in my head and I go that's a very beginning. Did I ever do anything? I swear to you unprompted last night on a conversation to do a war thing right here. Yeah, I was talking to someone and and had a

conversation about this very thing. I was like everybody every to someone and had a conversation about this very thing. I was like, everybody, every comedian to some degree falls into some kind of archetype of a comic that can just, you could be the hack thing of that. And then it just comes down to if you're a genuinely fucking funny human being or not or able to construct the idea at the end of the day. If I really just did like, you know, where you're from, what do you do? You know, I mean like crap. You know, it's like, you have to have some level of like different thing to it.

You know what I'm saying? So I'm like, and I use yours and say, I'm like, oh, Dan does impressionative voices, but he does impressionative voice has a couple within his funny things he's saying. It's like, yeah, exactly. And that guy goes, so much just didn't just go like, hey, do you could do a pretty good snuff

or a big impression? I say do comedy. Yeah. What a long time. Hey, it's Big J. Elkerson. And a bigot of impression? I say do comedy. Yeah. What a long ride. Oh, man. Hey, it's Big J. Algrison, and I hope you enjoyed this week's Best of the Bond Fire. You can listen to the show live every Monday through Thursday from 6th to 8 p.m. Eastern on Comedy Central Radio, Series XM95, or on demand on the Series XMF. Be sure to follow us on social media at the Bond Fire at SexM. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪

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