The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - We Love The 90's

Episode Date: March 18, 2022

What's your favorite decade? Have you ever fell down in public? Do you know about Jay's young genitals? How are you sleeping?

Hey I'm Big J. Okreson and I'm Dan Soder and welcome to the Bonfire Podcast. Yeah it's a podcast and it's also a radio show. You can hear our full show every day on Series XM. Go to series6m.com slash Bonfire for a special offer. And now the Bonfire with Big J. Okreson and Dan Soder. Played himself. Damn the 90s rules. The 90s rock's so all forms of music country rule hip hop rule rock rule the 90s fucking world this is what our this is what our parents

generation did about the 70s were kids had you not know how they know what they were right to the 70s. 70s. You watch all the movies in the 70s? 70s were phenomenal. Man, it was just the 80s in the 20s and 2010s. The 80s are great. I think music has just been consistently great the whole time. But 20 to 20 times?

You're talking about music. You're talking about just music here. It's great music from every decade. I'm talking about the world was better than in the 90s Because it was right before the internet. Yeah, I was a child. I said The 90s Yeah, puns and puns He's a real boy. He's not a robot. Welcome to the bonfire. A serious accent.

Fact in talk 103. I'm Dan Soder. That's Big J. O'Courson in studio DJ Lou and Christine Marie Evans in Florida, Jacob, a tot and out for the day. But he'll be back soon. Our black King, the black tiger, Lewis. Jaws. Sun. Not home. Um... We were talking about, uh, you think the- I mean the 90s were great, but also I think, because we grew up then.

Okay, sure, but just, how can you argue? If you're a 2010s kid, it's been a shit run. I mean, or for 2000s kid, you got World Trade Center bombing. You start with with 9 11. Yeah, yeah 9 11 But that's like with it within fucking 20 years that a pan a fucking pandemic global pandemic The wars all the long wars after that now the 90s fucking rule. The 80s had a little dust up there in the clean war, the Cold War, and the first Iraq war. That was 91. Yeah, desert storm, which we walked in, dominating. Yeah, that was welcome, Kool-Aid. Yeah, I mean, that was quick,

quick work. Yeah, light work. I just remember yelling ribbons, Bush senior. I just remember this girl I knew's dad died of one of the weird chemicals Jesus came back and he was like he's one of the Ford deaths we had in the Gulf War I think we have like 71 casualties and he's one of them I think well he died later because he got poisoned by all the shit that they used in Iraq or in Kuwait I mean there's that even happening like the people that live-11, everyone's, we have a gray skin and shit. I'm like, don't you write the subways in New York?

You know that you're entitled to money if you were at the World Trade Center. Oh. Every ad on the sub-wave for the last 20 years was like, do you have mesophilia? Do you have long-kid? That is the sound. That is the voice of the lawyer too.

There he goes. Were you down by the World Trade? Well, come out to my office and sheep's head bay. You hacking up 40. You hacking up all kinds of guk? Yeah, you spitting in your hanky and your chicks getting mad. Do you have dark holiday disease? Yeah.

Don't have a friend like Wyatt Earp will come to my law firm. DJ Lou, are you with me on this? It was, I'd say say unobjectively better. Yeah, uh, the fucking 2000, early 2000s, sucked cocks. I cannot pick. Here's the thing. You're absolutely right as far as the 2000s and the 2010s. And I would say the 2010s.

Hmm, I don't know, dude. I had a great time in the 2010s up until the pandemic. Can I have in front the whole time? I bet I can. We've just a great time in the 2010s up until the pandemic I Been I just been rocking and rolling the old time, but I it's like there was years that sucked in in the 2010s But overall at a blast up until 2019 up till 2020 2010 to 2020 ruled 2020 20 20 20 20 20 20 20 suck so far Damn it man. This is Fuck me. This is a possibly a caller subject. They're fucking yeah, well, I mean yeah

I wish yeah, I wish we could like tweet it out on these lost tapes I think I can't tweet out the number and say calling now. Well, but they're not getting any context They don't oh god. Oh god. It's off. It's off. I Think Yeah, this is a conversation where I think people are gonna be yelling in their stereos 98 the blah blah blah. Yeah, Timothy McVeigh. I Mean call I watch him call 99 yeah, what's him called was being yeah? That was the beginning of the end dude school shootings became a thing and it was a wrap it was right

It would remember when Britney Spears Christine Aguilara and Sink Backstreet boys. They opened a portal that held. They opened, it was right when Kurt Loader started being like, he was upset about what he had to report on. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard.

Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Yeah, when he started getting that bastard. Wow, Britney Spears was just killing Patrick is braiding his hair again. Joey Fattone bought new shoes. Why am I doing this? Can I go to see in there? What am I doing? I interviewed the stones. I remember Kirk O'Bane when he was a child

loader load what a what a good porn name Loader how they never work in someone just throw an A in there Just be fucking Kurt loader. Yeah, spell it with a C. And they play that when you're bustin' Oh, bop bop bop bop bop. Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn. I'm Kurt Loader, this is my fat wad. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Bop bop bop. Dude, if you're an important color self-curt loader, do it right now, trademark it, go bustin' backs out as Kurt Loader. C U R T. C U R T L O A D R L L O A D E. Kurt Loader. He'll Kurt Loader.

Shoot more. And he goes, oh, load him up. Oh, oh, for fat come, this is Kurt Loader, MGV news. Buh, buh, buh, buh. 90s, I could argue, the 90s were awful. As my dad and my sister died,

I went through a lot of shit. Yeah, personally. Personally, not. My mom just died for the 90s. Yeah, she's the 90s, like you can't talk about the 90s in front of my dad without me tearing up. Who the withered away? Yeah. Like let's not mention it. I mean, and so much good things happen about the 90s in front of my dad without me tearing up. It was a withered away. Yeah.

I'm like, let's not mention it. I mean, and so much good things happen in the 90s. I'm still like, oh yeah, 97 really sucked ass. Yeah, you guys have some personal things took the 90s down a peg, but also. I had some great personal things in the 90s. I'm just saying. Sorry, you're right.

And you're right. Some of it is like the idealization of like, I was younger. I think we're new to younger. It's kind of like the way we look back at. But no, but I'm saying that we all have to look at school in 95. But graduate. Yeah, you graduate.

So you were like, you were kind of a young adult in the back end of the 90s, which is fun. But you know how when we talk about comedy and we talk about like coming up or whatever, and it's always said with like this air of like, we were coming up and everybody was mid mid. You forget how much that sucked. It's always said with like this air of like, we were coming up and everybody was mid-mid. You forget how much that sucked, but looking back on it, because now you're okay,

you look back on the flexion of it. But the reflection of it, like that was fun, but I remember times, in fact I thought about it, because I walked by an ex's apartment on 15th, Annie's apartment on 15th and third, and I was like, I think I walked by it last week and I was like, man, this is so cool.

I'm going home in my girlfriend that I love with my dog that rules. I'm a comic. I get to like, I knew joke just worked, something like that and I remember like, I remember crossing the street in the snow going to dose Camino's being like, fuck, hungover being like, fuck all of this. This sucks, I hate this

I want to go home so and now I look back and I was like it was fun I was like hungover way you know what I mean? It's like you look back and it's easier to look through roads Rose colors like rose colored glasses take your personal strife out of it sure in the grand scale of a day of a day in the life What big in the world you're worrying about? I mean, I'm a shit about clinton getting impeached forget his day was forgetting his dick stuff. It wasn't for like lying to the government and doing all kinds of fucking wacky shit

and starting riots and all kinds of nutty stuff. You know what I mean? Yeah, can I put a clarification on it? Pop culture ruled. Personal life sucked ass in the 90s. The Nickelodeon. 95, 95 to 2000. Are you afraid of the dark, snake, all that?

What do you talk about that? So what, a couple of fucking kids gotta get some loads on the feet. So you can get some quality television. Yeah, thanks. So what? Thanks for letting them come on your fucking toesies. Thanks, Dennis Blunden.

Thanks, dude, because and peat fucking slapped But when I think back to it Music was awesome all this but then I think about how much I was Terrified of my mom how much I hated her boyfriend how much it was like being at home was constant anxiety Constantly anxious. I would go hang out kid you weren't like a kid with no worries Right like you had like you would be like oh god. I gotta go home to the fucking I would get I would get scared to go home Because I would be like fuck my mom would come to pick me up at daycare and I'd be like Fuck all right here we go. Let's hope she's in a good mood. If she's in a good mood, it wasn't that bad,

and I can get through the night. If I came home, like when I started going home by myself and I was 11 and learning that you didn't know who was coming through the door, and if she came through fucking angry, I was like, here we go. She's going to the basement that smells like tap piss, fucking play Nintendo.

Yeah, if you're an abused child, you're the 90s and the 90s and 90s. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I'm saying if you're an abused child 90s in the 90s 90s yeah, I'm saying if you remove If you remove all personal strife the 90s were absolutely the best If we're doing personally because like 2010s were the best one there's there's there's many people in Los Angeles I could say the 90s suck simply for those three days of LA riots. Yes people got fucking I mean if they're doing personal, personal, or personally the East Coast watching that, I was just good TV to me, buddy.

I didn't even understand that, you know, I was not young enough as the wrong work, because I was at, it was at 93, it was. Yeah, I think 93. 95. You know what, I'm gonna use a sublime song, April 26, 1992. It was actually April 29th.

April 29th. Yeah, but the song's like wrong. If it the song is wrong and there's two versions Oh really? I don't know that but that's how I've always remembered when the LA riot started Because of that song April 26th 19th the 29th my mom's birthday. Okay, so your mom So it started I remember it starting you get an honor for own and ask that's on grocery store Yeah that's On's grocery store. All the windows are busted out. Yeah. I mean, hindsight, this song is just a bunch of white dudes singing about that.

But smoking weed in high school listening to this, you're like, I thought you love your song. I just got the thing on Facebook, the Inkybiss on Torvus Sublime with Rome. I want to see Inkybiss, but I I'm not gonna be able to sit through sublime You're gonna have to if you go with Christine. Well, I don't have to do anything Yeah, you can sit in the car. Well, I go. Do you think they're opening? Huh, they're definitely not closing who's opening? Sublime was you think they're opening crankybiss? That was a beach though my bad

It's that was her beach that was ironic. That was a beach though my bad. That was her beach that was I definitely definitely seven at least seven hits versus the what I got guys You guys don't know all four albums front to back. I don't know all four. I know the one album very well with What I got Crest me down that song I I Self titled 40 ounces. yeah, self titled. 40 ounces of freedom, I didn't even know that well. I just knew that one sublime album. Inkibis, I stuck with him for a while. Yeah, I mean, hit it after hit.

Started with part in me, and then you go into- Go to their- Robin the Hood, nothing. No one was to know Christine. Stand by your van. Do your job and look up a fucking list of- Rally n' all of your second friends. Inkibis songs please. But Inkibisiz had a lot of, a lot of stellar.

How great is stellar? Yeah, hit after hit. They got a lot of. I love Inkybiz. I gushed over Brandon. Oh, yeah. I mean, all those albums. I remember, don't look at the end.

I remember. Pro, Love to the Mooner. What's funny is I was working a K-rock at Light Grenades. Light Grenades came out 2006 Which had like oil and water had a couple wish you were here. We were here. No, I'm just gonna be getting drive hit hit Anomali I don't know stellar hit wish you were he nice to know you hit Nice to know you My favorite hit this song song fucking rules

There's my favorite hankybiss song song fucking rules Part of me party's warning. I love inkybiss. I'm sorry. I said that That's my favorite Megalomania was off a crow left of the murder. Yeah, man Talk show left on mute talk shows on mute another hit is it? I don't know that one Yeah, we played it a lot on K from a shout out K from a day Dig great keep going down What's funny is I remember working at K rock and the the program director that came in was this woman that ran hot 97 She didn't really know rock radio and like grenades had been out at this point for like Fucking a two years and she was like she took over

She's like we got to play this new music from Ink U-Biss. And I was like, in the meeting I go, this album came out two years ago. And she gave me a look where I was like, I think I'm gonna get fired. Cause I was like, this is old. She was like, fuck, oh fuck. Lewis goes back with them to science,

which says like more or more of a mentally album. Yeah, that's where he had dreads. And it was longer. Yeah, that science where he had dreads. Yeah. And it was longer. Yeah, that science album in 97, and then they blew up with the 99 album, make yourself. Make yourself was their biggest album. And then a crow left to the murder morning view.

I saw them in 99 with a 12 string orchestra behind them. It's badass. Awesome. It's badass. I later on, I later on on the STR show from home to tell him that Was he like oh that was he awesome about it? Yeah, don't he? Yeah, he Ruled I love hearing that I don't want him to not be what he is and he is a bit of like a he's probably barefoot a lot wearing like pants

Oh, I can't see where's the message. I was just gonna say that. He's probably a lit and lit and lit and a lot. Yeah, but like, I don't know. He like, he pulled off the cool of it and he was like, he did, here's the thing. He seemed all like Spacey and Trippy and that kind of guy, yet, laughed at everything I said. Like, didn't, wasn't like shitty at all for him. So, you know what's funny is when you're like, it's my full gauge. It's such a comic thing of when you're like, when you go to a show and you're like,

this show, like you hear other people and they're like, it sucks, dude, don't do it. And you're like, on it and you're like when you go to a show and you're like this show Like you hear other people and they're like it sucks, dude Don't do it. Don't you like on it. You're like all right I'm gonna do it and then the crowd is really good and you like they love you. You have a good set You're like, it's just actually really fun. I've done that a lot It's not as great like I've done that at like certain venues where they've been like do they venue sucks and you leave You know pretty good job. I liked it That's a pretty fun time. Someone said about Houston They were like all the F. I can play. I had a pretty fun time. Someone said about Houston, they were like,

oh, the F-I'm playing socks with this and the staff and that. I was like, I put everyone in a lot of fun. Very pleasant and very sweet to me. I had a real good time. Yeah. Yeah, what's funny is when you don't have a good time and someone else does, and they're like, I love that club and I like, fuck them.

I don't like them. Well, I always had the one I won't say what the club is, but I heard first, like, I think Patrice went first, and he came back and he was like, yo, he's like, this place is flat out bad. He was like, it's really bad. And then Kurt was going after Patrice to do it. And then Kurt, both of me and Kurt were talking about it.

And it was kind of like, oh, Patrice is being like, Patrice. You know what I mean? Oh, somebody on the waitstaff didn't like him saying, come here, bitch, or something, you know? And so maybe he had a bad time because of that, whatever it is, right? And then Kurt went and came back and he was like, no, dude, it actually is that bad.

And then I was like, well, still the same thing for Patrice. And now, Kurt just like weirded him out, you know? Like, you can bug his eyes too early in the show. That's all it takes. That's another comic thinking we're gonna like, I'll change him. I'll go there and get him. And when I came back I was like,

Oh no, that place is rough. When it's not rough routy, it's just a bad design of room. When I started, when I first started headlining, I saw Al Madgeral at a Comedy Central party. I'm Comedy Central who's still doing comedy and Amy Schumer is still a comedian. I saw Al at a party and I was like, I'm doing off the hook comedy club and this is when it was in neither one of us worked there anymore so we can send it out loud.

It was in Marco Island, he was at the table like going through food and I'm like, well, I'm doing Stanford and Sons and then Bbibba and then Marco Island off the hook and he goes, you're doing off the hook. And yeah, and Schumer was in another conversation and hell went, Amy, come here. He's doing off the hook in three weeks

and both of them were like, you're gonna bomb so hard. And I was like, I don't think so, guys. I'm kind of new, I got this energy. So my comedy is designed to yell over flying fish platters. Yeah, I was like, just know when you hear the muscle shells hitting the bucket, know that everyone hears that. When they're just eating shells

and putting them in the bucket. And then I was like, no way, bomb screams on the room yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah and then you're just in front of a giant shark jaw just a fucking just bombing for old people god that was brutal and I really did think I was like they're too big now I'm young and hungry they're they're getting famous I'll young and hungry. They're getting famous. I'll tell you what, I did okay on Margo Island. On Margo Island? Ah, fuck it, I need it.

I wasn't like anything like holy shit caliber, but the shows were, they weren't memorably bad. Put it there. I went and sat in the green room and just needed that moment of silence of like, and maybe a brood of flesh platter. No, it was when I first started dating my ex. Oh, and she was not in the fish? No, she just watched me bomb and she just had to awkwardly stay in there and be like,

So are we gonna get dinner and you're like, do you wanna do calamari? Early dating and barrismith sucks. Eating shit. The first time in front of your chick is a pretty rough one Christine early dating with me came to a black show I was doing and tripped up Like two little stairs that were the thing and of course some black dude went And you owe a bunch of attention to it and then Christine I just lower still like it even being like okay good okay, but she was not okay. She was hurt and bad

Oh man when you Like okay good, okay, but she was not okay. She was hurt and bad. Oh, man When you put on a good face she said she started she said she sat back there and cried a little bit It hurts so bad like just to herself like you can't look at it yet. You're like I know When you fall I've tried to fall I've fall doing in front of white people only yes not young white people not young Not teenagers middle age to older. Over 20. Yes. Actually, over 30. Yeah, yeah, for sure. I don't know last time I saw someone fall.

Remember when Michelle's French is eight days down. By the way, that was after Jay and I bombed upstairs on that weird event. Oh yeah. And then she fell and I was like, thank you God. That was God giving me a little bit back. She like tumbled back and fell. Dude, I love it. But was God giving me a little bit back. She like tumbled back and fell on her butt.

She fell right on her keyster, which after that felt good. Wasn't she like a heckle or a sort of two? I was like, what was the show about her yet? Yeah, she's like trying to make it about her and then she fell and I was like, that's right when I left. I was like, I gotta leave on that.

That was too positive a note. I remember in college, I would always smoke cigarettes for class, I'd just like stand outside the lecture hall and smoke cigarette, and it was like raining. And Arizona is like very Greek. It's like very frat and sorority. It's very, a lot of rich kids. So they're shitty.

They're just shitty little fucking assholes. And they always dress the same. You could tell just who was in the sorority, who was in a frat, cause they were all, you know, unoriginal and just did the same thing and this woman had like Remember the little I don't think they were fleece, but they were like a Kind of booty short that was Terry cloth Terry cloth. They were like Terry cloth all the sorority girls were wear those like light bluer pink what sluts Just ungodly sluts garbage trash and then they would wear t-shirts, and it started raining. Like Arizona rain, where it just comes down fast.

And so I was just under the overhang, smoking a cigarette, and this girl started like trotting in her fucking flip flops, and then just ate it right on her butt, and I was like, put up like mid-mid-in hell, I was like, put up like that, and she was like, fuck you!

And got up, and then she walked past and this other guy was smoking, and was like, you and got up and then she walked past this other guy was smoking was like harasses all dirty too and she had like rain butt it was awesome man that was awesome that really made that made that made my day so much that it stuck in my head until then Montreal once we cheered for a girl peeing in the snow and then she fell great great always great she looked everywhere except up what She just looked every direction. She could boss we look and then it was like, coast is clear.

I'm gonna rip a piss outside and then when she, I go wait for the stream everybody, now. And then everyone started clapping and she was like, it's hell on her thing. That's great. My original point was like when you fall and you try to laugh it off with the people around you, the more you laugh, I have a theory, the more you laugh, the more

really damaged you are. You're trying to make your sad, what you would normally be by yourself, are angry pain noises and you're turning them into like, you are absolutely correct. Yeah, I got off the sixth train going to Dose very hung over. Hot, large Duncan coffee in my hand was running up. It was like, click, click, click and fucking missed the step. And it was like, bam, and fucking coffee all down my arm.

Hot coffee all down my arm. Me just collided with the next step. And I was like, oh, oh, oh, oh, lost my step and I was like Oh Everyone's like what the fuck and I was like Some some spring I got the stairs and go around the corner and be like Something I need my fucking me dude My worst I fucking ate it roar roar-blading one time.

Okay, that's fun. That's fun. I ate it, I fell right on my tailbone. And then it was like, I was so embarrassed by the fall, I just got up and I'm like, luckily I've got like, I made a fat joke. I was like, luckily I've cushioned, I like kept going. Yeah, I just, those people making jokes,

if you're just around, you're like, what lady? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're like, what's up? I was so embarrassed and I kept going You're like, what lady? He's like, what's up? I was so embarrassed and I kept going and I ended up having to like sit on a donut in my car. It was horrible. I think I've been broken it.

Yeah, so if you broke your caucas, we should caucas, I don't know, caucasics, am I saying it wrong? We should do a new thing where someone falls, you cheer them on. And you go, even though you're laughing We know you're in pain. It's okay. Okay, sir. Oh, there you go. Oh, thank you. Hi Was coming down from my roof a couple weeks ago now and I think the steps down because it's down some like four floors down and You're building. Yeah, yeah, you can go like there's stairs that go almost like right to the front door

of our apartment to go to the roof. It's just I'm not walking up eight flights of stairs. I'll walk down them. It's two flights per floor. Damn. So you can take the elevator up. Yeah. Walk down.

Perfect. But it's walking down. It's just like a concrete hallway of stairs and I was walking down and just doing like the stupidest, like looking at my phone or whatever. And it's one of them, when I got close to maybe two more flights of stairs, I just thought I was on flat ground to still looking at my phone and just fell forward.

My phone elbows, knees, everything. And again, when you're by yourself too, is almost like the silliest feeling. It's you're happier by yourself, but you're also like, this was so much more dangerous. No one's here, what if I hit my head? I will tell you, missing a step, landing on your knee and hyper extending it,

is one of those things where like, money's busted, I just ripped my hands out. Yet the most painful noise I've made in years was falling out of bed, and Christine just having zero reaction When was it like in morning or at night In the middle of the night and use rolled out just rolled off the bed Yeah, we have a big we have a California King size bed. I know. I'm so jealous of you And I rolled off of it right on the I mean right on my ass

But and I made so much Noise and it was, but it was like that like, okay, I can't believe. Right, Christine's like, I'm like, hey, there's so much on them. Ha, something's loose. It's the same, it's the same. And she was like, okay,

I'm just gonna pick yourself up. Now, by the way, dog dogs something better this last two nights and now when Christine and the dog fall asleep They're alternating just making noises not snoring Christine. She gets to the snoring. Don't worry But in the beginning of her falling asleep now her first Her first half hour of falling asleep before the snores is And the dog does the same thing. Well, looking back, I kept like jar, I was like, I was smoking a joint watching TV, like laying on my belly, and it looked back

once a while, and just both of them go, uh, my favorite's the dog dreaming where they're positive. Yeah, yeah, I'm like, I'm panning. Picking up to that dumb little puppy face. It was so great. Oh my God, it's great. But sleeping brings us to the point we were talking about before the show.

I didn't realize this my entire life I've been getting terrible sleep. Yeah, me too. I didn't realize that dad affects you greatly. I mean, I do realize it, but. I didn't realize how much it affects me. And then there were like things where when you live with a person,

this is the first time I've lived with a person. So there's a person who's basically watching me sleep being like, dude, it ain't good. I think you trash around, you wake up. I would say me and Christine both need something. I don't know what it is exactly, but she's not sleeping soundly for sure. I'll lay there and Katie will be like, are you up?

And I'm like, oh yeah. And she's like, what have you just been laying there? And I'm like, meh, I slept from two to four a.m. And now I'm up from four to six a.m. And then I'll sleep from like six to nine. Up the whole time, two hours. Kind of like not like completely up, but I like I'll lay there and I'll like roll around.

I'll like roll back to be on. No, I'm just sitting there. And I think everyone's mad at me. I think everyone hates me. That's so good. I think that I suck so bad. That's stuck to the end. It is.

Try it while you try melatonin. One time, I texted you something, just completely benign. Just like something something I texted you and you didn't text me back. And I just woke up and I was like J's mad at me And I just sat there rolling around being like what why is J mad at me? Dude I gotta be a text with so bad eye. I gotta be a better friend I just fucking man. I gotta be a better and then literally at 10 a.m

You texted me back and you're like oh That's awesome buddy, and I was like, huh, dude. I'm a psycho I just I so I can't you know we've always joked and called me dewey cocks and you're like, oh, that's awesome, buddy. And I was like, oh, dude, I'm a psycho. I just, so I can't, you know, we've always joke and called me dewey cocks because I can't smell, I can't smell before COVID. It was gone. Actually, I think it was cigarette smokes.

I wanna go get cigarette smoking. I think I wanna get checked for polyps in my nose, but also something that I don't realize is that I can't breathe. Like, I can breathe through my nose like that, but then when I open it, I'm like, it's probably this is my brain. I'm like, oh, that's what's up, dude. I'm like, dude, that is crazy.

It's too long for math. So I'll just be sitting there holding my nose and Katie's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, breathing, just sucking in sweet air. Why don't you put a breather, I strip a one. Try it, done work. Okay. I tried it and then what happens is in the middle of the night,

I just fucking tear it off. Are you gonna get a nose job? Can we film it? I don't know, dude, I'd get it. If there was something, well, Jacob said that his nephew had a deviated septum. And couldn't, yeah, cause he just is a blow head. Your nephew was blow head?

Did you come from, my amni blow head, do you come here for, Miami? Uh, never got it looked at. He just had to look at baseball thrown at his nose twice. So he's self-medicated with cocaine. Never did anything about it. And the doctor says the worst broken nose he's ever at the fix took seven hours of surgery.

Jesus. But now he can breathe. He could never breathe. He was just suffering all the time. So is his life that much better? Yeah, he's he's he's loving life now because yeah, now we can literally breathe. But damn I gotta go. I can find out. Here's what I'm here's what I'm a First of all, I'm sure if I go to sleep study, I'm gonna tell me I die 16 times a night. If I Which is my favorite thing you do is when you do, talk about Mike Suarez every time you wake up you're your death

I was on the other side oh god I saw it so I agree with you I saw my dad he shook my hand he said you put in front of me and he was up all over me And he said you put him in front of me. He was a ball of light. Mh. Mh. Mh. Mh.

Mh. Mh. God is a woman. Oh, dead sound. I was dead sound. Mh. But, uh, yeah, I forget what the first thing we were saying for was great things.

You were saying if you ain't got a sleep study, I'd be afraid they'd tell me so many bad things. But then also, I know a lot of people who use CPAP machines like people and they tell me they go welcome to your new life when you start using this thing you know something new like and then I'm like I won don't sleep on my back that's a big deal I was like two it's I can't lock lock myself. I'm already insecure enough to have to throw on a fucking oxygen tank every time I'm going to go deep diving. And I know before everybody writes it, I know there's like little ones now you can get blah, blah, blah. But I don't know how they're not that little. They're still connecting to a machine and it's so even

it goes just here. Yeah. It goes to a machine and it's fucking ridiculous looking. Can I play devil's advocate? Christine, bring up C-Pet. Where do you go now? Okay. I was listening to what you're saying. Can I bring up the devil's advocate of why I would want to do this? Because one of our friends did it.

And he said the first night he slept at the C-Pet machine, he got eight hours of straight sleep. And he was? was, yeah. Sal was like, I woke up and it was unbelievable. I mean, even that little thing is, I don't know, dude. I think I might be down that little, if that little thing,

a micros CPAT device. The micro one, I would try because, not the one the top left, it makes it look like you're in a horrible car. I should have me. Yeah. I don't know how long that makes it look like the're in a horrible car I should be yeah I don't want one that makes it look like they're rebuilding it yeah are you thinking about making me a robot car? yeah I better be fucking Bane after that thing with the fucking but the thing next to it

I'm horrible but if I could dude hot chicks don't need don't have CPAP oh my God even if they do don't worry Christine if we get a sleep study you could tell them for you to take your nap that hot chicks don't get CPAP. You got hot chicks don't get CPAP, you actually write this. I totally mean, I've whatever it is. Anyway, they're like, yeah, you're absolutely right, miss. Anyway, for the CPAP machine.

Yeah, oh, you're right. High boombodies don't need this. Anyway, we're going to put you on the big one. You should just know, I'm going to die in my 50s because I don't want to look like that for you. You can lookifties because I don't want to look like that for you You can look like that. I don't mind. Could you imagine though having here's what I'm fantasizing about Just really getting good sleep and not having to take four naps throughout the day like I do already took a nap today That's why you're such a napper you cuz I don't sleep Why don't you say that's why you're such a nasty bastard

It's why you're such a fickle prick. I go, oh, all right. It's crazy. I feel Christine Yeah, what do you have? What do you have my mom in 96? What's going on? It's pretty real Trish 96 energy. Why don't you try melatonin? I've tried it done do anything doesn't work No, I take I don't want to do Max strength did I take all of it? Okay. I it. Okay. I took an ambient and I was amazed with how much it worked. So why don't you get some ambient? Cause I will just take them every night. I'll just fucking.

Who get sleep? Oh my God. You might be like the type of person the ambient's actually. Oh my God, you right? Slip, I took an ambient at my grandmother's house. No, again, this is the bed that my dad and aunt died in. To use all of them for sure. No, real hard to sleep in.

I took that ambient and I slept like it was a fucking California king at a nice hotel. Yeah. I woke up like, oh, all right, it's gonna get some coffee. Maybe write down some of my thoughts in a journal. This is true. Last time just came to my mind. I just want to go fishing. And that just scared you because you liked it too much.

I liked it too much. And anything I like, I'm gonna abuse this. But if you're, if you're taking it just to like, actually get a good night's sleep, it might be really good for you. Dude, does your girl or anyone in your past complain about the way you sleep? Uh, no.

Because they usually snort too. Yeah. Nice. It's like doing banjos. Yes. I haven't I haven't I haven't spent a night with a woman who doesn't snore in 20 some in 20 years. Yeah, you know, you can't sleep next to a delicate fairy like that I do I take a lady lumberjack because they don't want to go over Christine and she's in like an unflattering state of sleep and woofing like that.

I'm like, I fantasize about I go, I just like to have a girl just sleeping like a girl next to you. Katie's got an adorable snore. She does snore though. It's very minute, but it's just like cute girl sleep. Not Christine. Christine's got those like, It's when you do, it's when you have like not even girl friendish reactions to it as a guy, like give her an actual kick to the fucking like ass.

So like stop smoking at 15. Stop, I think that's what I don't know. I think between you're smoking and you and your broken nose if you can't Smell or breathe out of I know I'd love to fix the fucking schnauz Do you can afford to fix it? Katie's also like your fucking nose is all deep in your head. It's all in Shake looked at it. She's like you're all up and in throwing a pull it out of my Don't want to get you a fucking Joan Rivers nose Yeah, yeah, wow, she's all about breathing. I'd say just take the nose off make two big holes

You're pretty big nostrils too. I know do I push it back damn No, I cannot breathe He's big nostrils Because I cannot fucking those. I can't not fucking hold. I can't not breathe. Damn, I would love that. Jacob, are you a sound, no snore sleeper? I don't snore.

No, I've been told. Yeah, I've never snored. Do you sleep talk? Uh, yeah, I make, I will make no weird I had a great sleep talk I had a great sleep pain yeah wait what It's always seems to be a thins all that sounds like somebody's like I'm being tortured I I fall asleep so when I take naps I fall asleep very deep and then I get fucking scared

Because like I'll wake up out of it and be like Like it happens a lot like naps in hotels Sometimes I'm startled. I don't know where I am, but now it happens on my couch We're all wake up. I'm like where am I at home? But Katie and I were in Portland and I fell asleep before the show like afternoon Katie's in bed watching you love you. We have No, no wait No, I'm better to be here even better. I was dead asleep. I was I mean deep deep sleep maybe for 15 minutes and I just go mom

What Katie's sitting next to me on her phone and I go, Mom, what? Who's that? It's weird. And then I went, I'm so scared. She forgot her hammer on the show so she could tell. I'm so scared. We're going to have her on the show so she can tell exactly how it went, but I remember

it. Mom, what? Who says that? I'm so scared. It was just like, they're like, and then I was petrified. I don't know what it was inside me in case like, you're all right and I'm like, dude,

I don't know what that was. And she goes, I don't know what the mom, what who says that? I need the funniest line. And he would say, come out and sleep. Mom, what? Who says that? I have that. I've blurted out like half dream shit before.

Yeah. And then when the person next to you asks you about what it is, like, sometimes you still have like the, it's a weird combo of like, you know, part of you know, is that was a dream. You're still having the emotion of whatever the thing in the dream was. Yeah. And you're trying to make it almost like you're thinking in your head

about how you can make it make sense to the person. You're like, I must say to my sleep. And I like, you know, you're like, it's like, get stopped or you're just, it's enough already. Like why do you go, it's just, you run the room, you're like, what could be enough already? What could have been enough already? You're trying to cover. Yeah, I think you just got us to go. I don't know, I guess I just have to even.

I'm fucking hammered. I'm hammered. I guess I'm just falling asleep. That's where I was say to Katie What the fuck do I know but I don't know fucking drunk dude. I don't fucking know what mom? Who says that? Waking up terrified my what I think it's terrified it happens to me so much it happens to me so much today Before the show I took like a 15 minute nap. Yeah, we were gubbing like today before the show, I took like a 15 minute nap. Yeah.

It was like, okay, oh, fuck, it's Tuesday. I'm okay. My hotel naps, which will come from a good old fashioned like cross country or something where I go, or now like a four hour flight, I flew to Houston. It's like, you know, three and a half hours, four hours, whatever. And but that's the only sleep I got.

It was on the plane. So then my land, the problem is like, I should take a, four hours, whatever. And but that's the only sleep I got. It was on the plane. So then my land, the problem is I should take a nap right away, but when I get there, I'm just up. You wanna do stuff. I mean, wanna do stuff? Yeah, but I wanna do something, I wanna get like, unpack, I wanna set up your laptop, you wanna set up, you're fucking,

if you brought your switch to the TV. The internet, it's, yeah, I used to do video games all the time, but also just like, maybe get a Starbucks, fucking find out where that's at go Outside smoke a cigarette get to lay in the land and where you go smoke blah blah blah and And then what will happen is they shows it seven just give a time 7 p.m. Show I'm like, okay, I got to start getting ready at like 5 30

5 30 legitimately so I go I always want want to get to a toe, I'm setting alarm for 5. So I'll be up, you know, or I can go smoke a cigarette before I take a shower and kind of wake myself up and whatever, inevitably, I don't fall asleep to like four, four something. And then, if it's like any substantial word, I'm almost forcing myself to take a nap, but then when I get up,'m like, I'm almost forcing myself to take a nap, but then when I get up

It's I'm almost verbally never verbally. Yeah, it's like audibly Like whimpering like like almost crying the way you're thinking That's like I'm like is the show's gonna be canceled or something I'm still so tired now. I do love that though. The one thing I was looking forward to is I go, it's a one show night. I'm gonna go have fun for one show. I'm gonna get food and then I'm gonna go back to my little cage, my little fucking towel.

The toughie is like a thing like this weekend. It's great because it's great because you don't have to be away so long. But it's only the two days, but you're like fly in two shows Next day two shows all like the big and they're like the Hang night, you know, you want to bowl show people right in the night. You want to hang Saturn in that you want to hang So you don't get that Thursday just be like do the show kind of dip out early and like you'll be back you could theoretically

Be in bed at 11 p.m. Yeah, cuz that's second show. You're like if even though it's Friday Mm-hmm still feels like a Thursday when you travel. Oh Yeah It's two shows is a lot, but it's good. It's not I got a lay down flight so I can sleep that on I put L.A. World Duffa difference by the way when you go out there. I put L.A. in front of San Francisco So I'm gonna go do the comedy store and then go do cobs. So the Thursday hang gone. Cause I'm gonna hang after, you know,

cause I got people on the show that I wanna hang out with. I think a couple of friends are coming by to do sets. So it'll be fun. And then like, it's LA, which I never go do. So I'm gonna see people I never see. I'm not gonna just go back to the hotel. And then Saturday and then Friday go up to San Francisco, but the good part is LA to San Francisco is like a 45.

45 minutes, yeah. So it's like I'll just get there and- It's gonna go up and come down, Jam. Yeah, I'll just go and check in. But what I want meant to tell you, now that we're both PS5 owners, I guess you could do this with the PS4. Do you know that with your controller and an iPad,

if you keep your PlayStation 5 on rest mode at home, you can play it on the road on just a iPad and your controller? What? What is that even? It's an in-ground trampoline. It's an in-ground trampoline. It's all exciting.

It says it all right there. Look into it. We looked into it. Yeah, you can download an app on your iPad and then you can just bring your controller with you hook it in your iPad and you can play PlayStation 5 But it has to stay on rest mode at home. That's fine. Yeah, and that cool Yeah, dude Katie's brother told me about it knows like Katie's brother told me about it like two years ago for PlayStation 4 and I was like that's made up and then when we were going

We were going away somewhere Katie was oh, we're going to Raleigh Katie was coming with me and she's like well Maybe we should try that PlayStation 5 thing we like looked it up and we didn't have an She couldn't find her iPad to download her not but it works on iPad you can do it on your phone So you got to do is bring your PlayStation controller Man, I gotta tell you on the road too, I've really taken this, I stopped doing it for a while and on the Y, just weakening the Houston, I got right back in the sleeping all naked. Oh, yeah.

Rolling around. You know what I do? And I take the stuff that I'll want when I stand up and when I have clothes on and gonna immediately, I put right on the bed, first of all, I only pull a corner of the bed sheets out because I'm gonna slide it. I make my little taco and then I just get out

in the morning and make it again. No need for housekeeping anymore. Yeah, it's over. I give them my garbage and then I'm like, everything else is fine. At least you gotta put the garbage out in front of your door. Yeah, which I did this week too. That's what I did.

But then I just put like my socks, underwear, sweat pants, tank top, like right on the bed, like next to me almost, where a person would be. So when I get with the morning, yeah. But as soon as I pull my little tussey and dorkes out of these shit covers, I get to cover them all up. And it'd be nice and warm again. That's always the problem with me sleeping naked. It's having to go pee in the middle of the night and then feeling cold and afraid and

Oh my god cold hotel floor on your feet and walking naked first of all just walking Walking naked to the bathroom to go to sleepy-weener if it's not puffed up. Yeah, and just like He just looked like I definitely have a look at a muppet naked like someone's operating me I look like a bunch of people are operating me the bathroom. I feel like I walk like Sasquatch Yeah, yeah, it's definitely like a hunch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you get like, you got to darn your wang out to get it to be a piece of straight.

Did I had lunch with my friends that I haven't seen and fucking forever and they have two kids now? Mm-hmm. And I know the older kid, but the younger kids baby, and me and my friend, her husband was gone, and we were like, hanging out waiting for him to come home, that their husband, she was like, my son's penis is really small.

And I was like, really? And she's like, he's gotta like, squeeze his balls to piss, and he's like two or three. And I was like, damn, damn, you know, we're like talking about, she's like, I don't know what to say, I can't bring it up to a doctor, I don't know. And I was like, wow.

And he's like, what's that? My mom brought up to a doctor. Really? Yeah, I told you, I told it on my first album, I tell a story, I got diagnosed with a little weiner. I don't remember that. It's not micro-pedus, right? And it's like, it's not even diagnosed with a small weiner.

My mom, instead, my mom's telling me to get out of the shower. You don't remember this? She told me to get out of the shower when I was a kid. Yeah. And I don't remember this. Yeah, so I'm gonna get out of the thing. Well, I said the story came from my little brother when he was like 13 or something.

My mom called me, she goes, oh my God, I just, I just saw your brother get out of the shower by accident and uh... like he's got like a humongous like you know penis or anything right and i was like okay and i go by the way i was like uh... she was like there was a time where uh... she also told me in front of friends by the way she brought this up that when I was A little kid like 10 years old. She saw me get out of the show. I know what you watch She accidentally see all her kids go to the show. Oh, sorry. Oh, whoops I'll get a stand

Acular scan. Yeah, you're good and she was worried about the size of my penis So she got my stepfather to come take a peek at my weir in the same mere shot, I guess. And then they made an appointment for me to go to the doctor. I thought it was like a checkup, but the doctor was just paying a lot of attention to my dong. I didn't complain. I was a good kid. The thought of your mom being there and you're just being a 10 year old boy out of the shower. Like, oh, let's put it in your butters. Jojo, Jojo, Jojo, Jojo. I was like, the video is good. I'm saying. I'm a butter, it's a butter. It's a joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. It's a butter, so I'm like, the video's everything's fine, I'm totally normal.

I love my life, I'm a little boy, and your mom goes, jojojo just doesn't have a huge penis. He's fine. Yeah, it's fine. She was saying, my mom was concerned and brought me there. And the doctor was like, yeah, he just doesn't have a... TNT size? Yeah, it doesn't have a big, big dick at all, I guess, but it's not medically small.

Well, that's what my friend was like. I was like, is it like, she's like, it's not a micro-penis. He's okay. And I was like, okay. And she goes, and also, when he's got a boner, it's a good size. And I go, oh, he's a grower, not a shower.

And she's like, that's what I've been thinking. You know, like. I'm so fed to Jay when we first started dating and he's like, that's the meanest thing anyone's ever said to me. And I'm like, it's just, yeah. I'm like, it's just one or the other. Yeah, because you could be small and then get a boner and you stay small.

Yeah, you could. But you, you know, if you puff up and you know, it's something about your girlfriend's voice and like, you're not a shower. Like, if you had to pull your dick out right now, it would be humiliating. But if it was hard, people would be like, that's fine.

Yeah, even hard. Get hard. Get hard. Get hard. Get hard. Or get out. We gotta make that. We're gonna make that sweatshirt. The bonfiremerch.com. You order. We're the...

I saw someone tweet today that we need a nice soft hoodie with be hard or be gone on. Be soft hoodie. Be hard, be gone. Be hard, be gone. And Be soft to be be hard be gone. Be hard be gone. We'll find it. We will find it. I believe it.

I believe it. You've been listening to SiriusXM's bonfire. New episodes every Tuesday through Friday mornings and full shows always on SiriusXM. Always on Sirius XM!