The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Welcome Bobby!

Episode Date: March 7, 2023

It's Robert Kelly's first day on the Bonfire and it's all about fashion and doodie!

Hey everybody, I'm Bobby Kelly. And it's Big J. Okerson. We're actually a full radio show on Series XM, not just the podcast. Hey, guess what? For full episodes of the Bond Fire, you can listen on the Series XM app. Go to seriesexm.com slash Bond Fire for a special offer. And now, the Bond Fire with Big J. Ocarson and Robert Kelly Twisted sister a great voice You know twisted sister I

Learned years ago when they go try to work out a tour They go perform as bent brother in like Jersey and places in Long Island and that's like their warm-up shows as Bent Brother. Hey guys I'm actually like working out new jokes. So I'm gonna be going as a little K joke or something like other name. Little K joke or something. Little K joke or something. Little K joke or something. Little K joke or something. No no it's not big joke or something. It's little K joke or something. Little K joke or somethingerson doing his new little bits his little routines. Yeah, it's big big tick Kelly coming down to New Rutherford

Ditz Kelly norin has a an alias He was somebody's gonna murder him at the seller one day. Yeah, and he I went down one night and the alias is my stepfather He used to beat me Billy Look to the board right before me was this guy I was like what he's doing comedy that's always funny I always why do they have to put the aliases up did they don't work well it doesn't work is you're putting up a fake name for the goal of what you just leave it off completely even, it doesn't work. It's you're putting up a fake name for the goal of what? You could just leave it off completely.

Just don't put the name on. Yeah, it is weird. Just have them be unannounced. Why does that have to be position? Because here's the thing when someone looks at it, they're not gonna go, oh, fucking a Scooter Johansson's here. Whatever the fake name is, you know. I am mad at myself that I don't figure out little things

like that, like that puzzle that you just figured out. I used to actually get upset by it because I would be like What is the process they just pass who who's Billy Manchin? Who's this fucking asshole? And then like it's Norton you know Yeah, why would he have to do other names? I think he just picked one of his other alien like Doug Chip dog Bell. Yeah. Paul.

He'll do it. They would give Louis a fake one once in a while. It's like, how about just don't put anything on the list at all. There's no reason to force that in there. Yeah, because yeah, why do you have to be on it at all? There's no reason. There's no reason. We figured out Jay.

That's why I love you. I really got to the bottom of shit. You get to a quick though. That's what I love. It's like, it's's like it took me 17 years to figure that out and now you just solved it in five seconds It's why I love you. Well, that's why I put the puzzle. That's why I said Texted Bobby. I go you know, it's make waves first show. I'm really good with this Chris Rock special Yeah, it's okay. I've got notes Let's say I've got notes

It's getting wildly acclaimed to think like, you know, Hollywood wise and everything, but Hot shit that thing was that was like I delivered he was like It seemed uncomfortable. It seemed forced the whole thing was like tough to get and then it's very very simple joke concepts I thought I love Chris is all you've been sweet to me you know legend, but the I just hate when He's he's wearing high heel white dog marks. I can't do it. You're wearing You know he looks fantastic. Yeah, but I'll give that me as far as I'm saying his like Old Chris Rock is he looks like he dies his hair up and. Yeah, but the shoes, it's like, dude,

you don't need high heels. No, he is dressed like the baby, which is hilarious at his age. And he left the tag on his pants. You know what I mean? Yeah. He's wearing that tag, it was making me mental. Why do you have this tag on your pants?

Because it kind of take it back. No, some designer was like, dude, I got the perfect outfit. And you know he put that on anyway, really? You really? Yeah, yeah, no, you look fantastic. That's when you're around people that don't tell you you look like an asshole.

When you have the tag on your pants and high heel dock martens. Any description or rationale yet and anything about why I Have to assume Prince gave him that oh yeah, oh, yeah Forget the tag on the thing You were Prince necklace Yeah, and they showed him putting it on like he was Rambo and fucking in Russia Get ready to go take out to get Colonel what's his name?

Troutman Colonel Troutman had a fucking that thatutman. Colonel Trautman out of the fucking, out of that mud pit. I actually like when he put the Prince necklace on, I was most respect. I like that. Come on. I like Prince, dude. We all like Prince. I love Prince.

Why is he wearing a Prince necklace? I mean, respect. You know what I mean? We were a Prince necklace, but anywhere, any purple at all. What the fuck? He just didn't the whole thing. Like, acknowledge that prince give you that I

Think it was princes He's in a world where everyone wears other men's jewelry that they give you to wear Not even that it's not that he wears his own shit It's that like Don now and other people have to wear his necklaces also We should get our own necklaces. Oh tag the crew. Yeah, everybody has to wear a necklaces also. Would you get our own necklaces? Oh, tag the crew. Yeah. Everybody has to wear a little fire diamond fire necklace. Oh, Jacob, I noticed you weren't wearing your Bobby and J penance today.

You know, there's crazy rappers and just get big, just get diamond busts of me and Bobby you have to wear it. We really should get some kind of rag tag thing that we could like give out to people that's like a sense of pure ownership. You have to wear a bonfire earring and your left ear. Yeah, if it's in your right, your gay. Remember that? Remember the difference in that, the one ear piercing, one was gay, one wasn't, and then everyone

just goes, how about they all just do two or none That was the way I'm a when I was in school if you wore one you again If you were the one it was a right ear gay or left ear gay no left right ear was gay. Yeah left ear was I'm supposed to get yeah, I have the one in the left ear. I just had a check right now I'm sure I was but also one earring now on hindsight look so stupid in general Just like a one hoop earring is kind of weird stupid in general. Just like a one hoop earring is kind of weird. I just found this article. What does it say? It says how Chris Rockbeak in close friends with prints. Oh, so you wore it for that, but here's the thing. It's not a good enough reason.

I don't care if you were close friends. No. Weird to wear prints, but pending on your neck. No, you don't wear, you don't wear another guy's necklace. A symbol. Yeah, you know, another article said that he's worn it before before on a couple occasions and that's like, please warn it too. Well they should stop because he looks like fools. Why don't they also why don't they wear Prince's class ring with a bunch of string around

it on their finger. Yeah. That's like where Michael Jackson's glove turned you like if any merit came out with just one little glove on that stupid. I think that's like Tracy Morgan has a Michael Jackson glove I think I think he got one like one of his gloves And he's like he just keeps it in the box Is it what I guess it wears around the house does Michael Jackson dance?

But you cannot wear it out. I know you guys are goes. Oh, this is Michael Jackson. Yeah, you look an ass in it You're fucking like you're trusting as a don't em out. You play a madden with the glove on. Also, a lot of people forget about the Michael Jackson glove. That thing was a bit that was a big glove. It was wiggly. It was huge on his hand. It wasn't like, uh, when he's holding the microphone in the famous Billie Jean performance, you're like, that glove is. Doesn't have it. It doesn't fit it's huge acoustic Michael Jackson Oh, it's only $8.91. I don't think it's actually it. But I mean, yeah, his glove was so big. His thumb, yeah, his thumb doesn't fit. It's not all the way to the top.

Looks like a muppet with AIDS. It reminds me, speaking of ill-fitting things, when's the last time a person in the shoe stores pushed the front of your shoe down to see if your toe was there? Doesn't happen anymore. When did that happen? When did that stop? When shoes just fit.

You always remember when I was young, right? I put a shoe on in the guy. Who come over. Who had, by the way, a foot measure that hurt. It was like, the metal thing? Thick metal with like these like scratchy things I went up on to measure your foot and then they put your foot and they make you touch and then they tell you to take a little stroll Around the place nice just over. Where's that touch anymore?

Because that's what it's called. Yeah, why do you know that? I'm into shoe wear. Oh, yeah. What is that? What is shoe wear called? What is that? Isn't it like a name for it like no? I'm a good All right, I think there's a name book shoes. Oh, Beast Boak. I want to get you know eventually What's that that's when you have your shoes your feet measured and and they make them old It's called the last okay, and it's the shoes fit you only Right now everyone there's basically a generic last Yeah, there it is like a size nine

But sometimes that just doesn't fit people And then you go back and you go back and have them make other shoes. Do you have to make have to make ugly shoes like that? Yeah, you have to have Jesus Do I have to have open to a freaky foot fucking. Jay, as they say in the business, the last comes first. Okay. I like it. Get away from me. I don't hate those. I don't hate those wing tips at all, buddy. John Lobb is the king. That's like the old issue maker in England.

Damn. I was Chris Rock had these shoes for a special instead of the... You'd love John Lobb, Jay. Jacob, you have such hilariously refined tastes. I appreciate it. We should get Jacob's horse. Jacob, I hold you why. It's not because... You were raised by Jews?

No, because of my height, nothing fits me. Fits right, got you, yeah. So I became, I got into this to understand, to because I want clothes that nothing fit. Fits right, got you, yeah. So I became, I got into this to, to, because I want to close that actually fit. Well, but shoes, you should have no problem with. No, that's not true. Sometimes it fits, sometimes like sneakers, yeah, but shoes have always had a problem with.

Why you have a wide foot? I think it's a little wide, but it's also the, it could be your arch. There's many, many different things. So, when you get it Just right done look at last made just for your individual feet How much are they how much are the expensive? Like depends if you can get your own bespoke shoes, but it's gonna cost you like minimum

3,500 and go keep going 11 11, that's how much my $11,000 that's dumb Wow, because they're making the last they're they're building the last after they build the last Then it gets cheaper because they don't have to do that. Do they come attached to pieces of clean floor? Because that seems insane they're going on the same ground right? Is everything else? Yeah, I mean look look, it's there, there, there are shoes that are built only for you. What's the last material? What's the last? The best, the last is that it's the form that the leather is built around.

So they build the form based on your foot measurements, right? And then they build the, the leather around the wooden lats. Take a little miracle. You don't carry around an umbrella, even on not rainy days. I'm not as bad. I'm nowhere near what you think. No, sure. You like that?

You like assholes? A nice umbrella? A nice umbrella? You love a nice umbrella. A nice bear, but we don't even have umbrella, I don't think anymore. No, we do. But it's toots. It was 20 bucks at Nordstrom's rack.

20 smackers at Nordstrom's rack, dude. That thing's like in a fly me to England. John. What do you want me to england jama uh... what do you miss these are just like fantasy dreams of mine in the future these are doable dreams shake up ten thousand dollar shoe absolutely ten thousand those thirty five well john lob is going to be the high-end

so you know what is bob bob oemake spitting bob bob oemake has ten thousand dollars shoes i bet he does using i make what he makes no i think I think you're good. I don't make anything Your gunna you're gonna make though. Wait. Where do you go get these shoes Jacob? Do you have to go to England and put your foot in something? You I mean the the dream for would be to actually go to the John lob and have it But they they do trunk shows meaning they send the guys and To a hotel in certain cities in the US and you can get a measured there

And then they'll build the last Based on that and then you have to do fittings so they'll send you the fittings But it's better to be at the store obviously It's a whole thing. It's an experience. It's not just the shoe You become you you meet the maker you become friendly with with the maker and you know, it's a whole experience. I Remember I'm in the leatherwork. I love these all stuff. I think it's great. I think because it's a craft and they're dying arts. So I Actually, I want these things to survive. I agree with you. I'm with you. I'll get a pair of what is it again? Be spoke the spokespoke. The spoke the spoke means yeah, like it's just tailored for you.

Beast Poke suit, Beast Poke shoes. I just got a suit, man. Did you? I did, it's got a brand new, I got one of those custom fit, stretchy, washable, no stain suit, you can throw on a bag and don't have to iron it. That became, yeah, that was such an exciting opening and then it took a real left

Rain doesn't stay on it It's rainproof the opposite of the spoke I Just got to suit that you can honestly drag to the mud and rinse off with a hose and wear it You can put in your backpack and just throw it on. That's backpack, that's it. What do you, what do you have to do? You guys go to a woodland funeral. Oh, what if the rabbits get married?

Well, we're up in tiny house, then I'll have a suit. Don't worry, I'll pull it out of my bag, it doesn't wrinkle. You know what I really want to get is the Suzy. What's that? Oh, you don't know what the really want to get is the Soutzi. What's that? Oh, you don't know what the Soutzi is? Dude, it's a sweat suit.

Really? You jump in it. It's like it made out of sweat pant material. A Soutzi? But it looks like a suit. No way. Yeah, you zip it down like a onesie. It's a onesie, but it's a Soutzi.

Oh, they do that with, what you're gonna call that now? They have the sweat pant jeans. Oh, I got a pair of you call that now they have the Sweatpants jeans. Oh, I got a pair of those. No dude. I got a pair of those you wear them out and about do it I haven't worn them yet. No way I have more I swear to God I have it looks just like jeans Do they have airbrushed pockets on them? They they have airbrushed metal little nuggets. Yeah, so it looks like it has a zipper But it doesn't no it doesn't yeah, it's just sweats dude these right here these look at this. Yeah, so it looks like it has a zipper, but it doesn't. No, it does. Yeah, it's just sweats. Dude, these right here, look at these are stretchy jeans. Look, these are like women, you know, the women have kind of had that for a long time. They didn't share it with us.

It was elastic, like three to eight percent elastic. Yeah, they finally made it for men. For years, women had this awesome secret. They got to be chubby and then wear tight jeans. And I didn't have, because we are jeans like, you know, an inch thick. Well, an inch thick for one, and I'm currently, as we speak, Jacob, if you want to take a peek in here,

I'm wearing jeans that had to be, these are on my third patching on these jeans, because in the middle is just blasts out. When I get into a high car or a sit into a low something you just hear pfft. And you're like, oh, there's my left balls coming out now. Yeah, these are stretchy jeans. There's a Suzy right there. Look at that. It has a zipper. Zipper. Yeah, it just you just zip the whole suit out from the back like a parapagamas. Yeah, you step right in it. Suzy. Yeah, man. They should be San Francisco main events it. Yeah. was this on shark tank. I don't know, but I want one

Well, what's the situation you're gonna do with your sweatpants suit? You're ones. He suit well Do we go to dinner just throw it on Wear it up. We'll go to the friskos will get his b-spoke will get his last one I'm bespoke because he's to need them to draw attention while you're walking in and a fucking in pajamas. No, I'm in suit and suit colored pajamas. Nobody knows you're in a suit. You look like you're in a suit, but you're really comfortable.

You would love it. I'm going to buy you a suit, see. I hope it's big enough. It's big. Look at that. Look what a fool he looks like. Look at that. Looks like a suit bomb zip I would be humiliated to wear this

I tell you something though watching it in action. I do not hate it as much as I thought I would pajamas they're outdoor pajamas What are pajamas, but do they have one where you can look cool? Wow, I know the article literally says from the guys like I was trying to figure out how I could look Professional but feel like I was in my pajamas that looks good that looks like you wearing a suit If you had to wear one at a wedding or a dumb function. It's not listen He looks better in any suit. He looks better in that than any suit. I don't know it looks a little wrinkly I'm starting to see that wrinkle though

Is he kidding in the commercial or is this like Look I can hold them artini not like an ass. I think this is their like crowdfunding pitch. It's terrible Oh No way Yeah, much longer does it take to put on an actual suit? I'll tell you what, much longer? Jacob? It's a heating apple.

A whole minute longer. Much longer, but here's what I don't like also. The faux shirt coming out of the sleeves? It looks terrible. It doesn't look good on him. It's hang, it's slubby. Listen, he's a slubby guy, but if we had it on, we'd look good. You guys hear him talking all? No, please. The welfare... Oh my goodness. Listen, he's a sloppy guy, but if we had it on we look good

No, please Well fit Zipper for efficiency number two. I'm going right now All the shots. It's like he's eating an apple. Then he's reading a book by helping crowd fun the Suzie at beta brand this guy's a knob I think that's a drop. That's crazy. I mean, I didn't get that. I got the fleck suit. Christine, please.

Well, it's a flecksy suit. It's called. Oh, it's not called the fleck suit. I don't know, but no, you can type in a fleck suit. That would come up. But it's more of like, it stretches, it's custom fit. You have to, and you they you send when you get it You've got a fifth pocket for your Marbos

You put it on and then you put it on and then you take pictures and you send it back and then they Fix it so it fits you perfectly there. It is right there flex suit. It's a made to order. Yeah, man. I got this sucker I love it go down I mean these look better to order. Yeah, man. I got this sucker. I love it go down. I Mean these look better for sure. Yeah, wait these are one pieces to no no, no, no What was that? Like big e-smalls in the background singing. Oh my queues too. Oh No worries. Um These look like nicer suits, but I don't see anything in the description that says, like you can get dragged by a truck

and then like go take a shower in it. That's fine. Dude, I swear to God, you can, you can spill stuff on it. It doesn't wrinkle. That's a thing with like, if you have to go somewhere. My biggest thing.

A wrinkle sucks, right? Christine, I can't believe Christine has been bought a steamer and how much she refuses to iron anything ever. She's never ironed a thing in the time we've been together. I, we haven't owned an iron since, I don't think I've been owned an iron since I've lived in New York City for 14 years. We had an iron. Bobby, and what in place?

Can I tell you this? Yeah, please, please Jacob, go ahead. Kirby Allison has an entire video on how to pack your suits in your suitcase that won't really I'll send it to you. Oh, thank you very much. It involves a lot of rolling correct. No folding really a jacket yes I don't know more than Kirby Allison. I don't think you know more than I know that I've been to deduced to Kirby Okay, the videos that I've watched are pretty, I don't think you're. You guys are involved in a cult.

You don't know more than him. You're involved in a cult. Well, not. You know more about comedy. Just so you know, our friend Daniel Penrod, I think his name is on social media, on Instagram, reached out to me and said, this guy is, seems like he's in a sham marriage because he's a gay man who you look up to for his $10,000 shoe wear and his shaving practices

and that he's like a bitchy dude. I don't know him, but he dresses like a gentleman in Dallas. So I get why everyone would think that. Dresses like a gay man in Dallas. I don't think he, well I don't know how he looks. For me that looks gay. Look, I wouldn't dress exactly like him. Oh, and his three kids,

go tee beard and mustache. He could say, it's preppy. He dresses preppy. Yeah? He drew it. Yeah, well he dresses like an English gentleman from the 1920s. He's a gentleman I bet that guy bites one piece of flesh off of every hooker he kills

Dressing there's always something funky that's here. It peace his bees folks have made of hooker flesh He's shoes made of all the horse. He's killed. He has to find one with fat feet so he can make shoes out of here He jerks off the Kennedy's assassination. It's just a classic look. Those kids aren't real. Oh, look, there's a relic collection. I wouldn't wear that suit jacket. Why, because of his slopie shoulders?

Look at those shoes. I guess what I just have to say to you is, are you OK? Bobby, you would love to have that stuff off of London. You would love to go there and have a share of cigar. I would look at that perfect chair to smoke a cigar, that cigar table with the magazines, then the ass tray, and then on top of that, I would love that.

What's the, who got you into that scene, Bobby? Because I watched that happy, you were cigarette sky, obviously before. I was cigarette guy, but then the cigar thing, I, because you're into it. You're into the fucking rap though watching it be done Like you got into the culture of it that uh that was like new to me who got you into that every town I go to I find a cigar lounge and I immediately go yeah, and I hang out even Lafayette I went to the cigar lounge and just there were the bunch of strangers about yourself and everyone just talks. A bunch of old guys in chairs like that, and we hang out and we talk and we smoke cigars

and it's fun. What do you in town for blah, blah, blah. It's not even a lot of times they don't even care where they don't even ask that shit. They'll just talk about stuff. It's usually older dudes. And. The trinolib blacks in here. I don't go to that one. Hi. I didn't, I didn't, I didn't. I don't go to that one.

I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't go to an all black one. And I think it was a Winnipeg. I went to it, it was all black dudes. It was mostly black guys. And I sat with them. Did you get drunk like Anthony Michael Hall and Weird Signs? I was crazy in things. I was a little eighth grade bitch.

Crazy in things. Man, I was nuts insane from the Middle East, great bitch crazy insane man. I was nuts for the woman She kicked him in the balls and called him faggot in front of everyone That movie so funny what she do with the Malaka like you she's the Malakas, Dino She's the Malakas. Yeah, I feel like these places you go to everyone's always measuring you with a tape measure I tell you what the black one was the funniest they were having they were Boston balls making fun all their black dudes mostly Yeah, yeah, I'm from like 30 to yeah 50 60 and they were hanging out Boston balls when you guys walking and go you me Bob the cat of yet This motherfucker got a crazy story He's in town doing comedy. I swear to God.

But come from Boston. You know fun and motherfuckers come from ball ain't that there's straight up truth Jasper They still making some passions back there behind that ball. Yeah, we can get your fat ass out here and take my order I Don't like the dead starters Olivia get your fat finance out here and give me some to eat. Oh fuck yourself get your own food You make fresh com bread today It's been only make fresh clumber bringing it for almost it was so fun

Dang it out there I didn't tell them was a comic to the end and they were like what are you doing in town? I was like I'm a comedian they were like get the fuck on the place blew up you ain't said shit funny yet You don't want to go to big age laugh with them. They didn't want any I'm funny that motherfucker, but why do you always like can I get tickets? They were like they didn't want nothing I get the fuck out here. Yeah, no one cares What is that? This is where I Oh, here it is dude. Oh, this is big. This is the greatest. This is far snoring. You taped him while he was snoring

So I did a thing called comedy camp where I invited all the comics up to an a K a right a K Yeah, okay, so a K is a cult them in That's all different thing Um, as kickers anonymous So I invited them all up there and I was like dude do a bonfire way up here We're gonna be around a actual fucking bonfire and It was we put up camps, but I got a cabin for Dan and Jay, because they were like, we're not spending, we're not camping. We're not fucking going on the woods. So it's like, I got you.

I understand some people don't like being out. You know, are you me like to be an intent? Your Bobby's hanging from two trees. And then they were like, hey, they were a coyotes jumping at a soul night or something. It was a scunk. There was a scunk that went under my hammock. And I felt it.

It's whole body Cross my whole body Fucker frightening, and then I called Ari on my phone. I go all right something just went under my tent And he got out of his hammock. He's like it's a huge fucking skunk And it's kind of just doing circles under me and then it went to a tree. He goes it's eating something out of the tree And I'm like what is it eating? It's like tree. And I was like, what is it eating? It's like a can. I was like, oh, fuck you.

What do you mean, oh, fuck? I go, I left the bacon grease out from the breakfast this morning. I left it in a can. So he had to go, he had to go throw it up. But we got a cabin for these two lunatics. And we put, Becky was in there and then we put Mike's words in it. Because he just showed up, he had no, I don't know why. Like he came, but he had no plan.

No clothes, no, I just gave like it was for the day. Yeah. Like even Fini and Sagalo showed up, but they showed up with a tent with no rain fly. Like it's just an open tent. So if it rained, it was just raining in their tent and they didn't have to put it up it up So they his girlfriend had a tent and he just took the tent without all the stuff And they just show us so holes they just brought the tarp. Yeah, so I had to give him my time I had all the supplies right in the tarp and again to something to sleep on but we didn't have anything so ours So we stuck them in the thing with you and then Dan I've never seen him so mad. He will he was like what the fuck man

Yeah, he was like, he didn't sleep. And by the way, I was like, over the course of the day, he brought up often. He was like, well, I'm just tired, man. I didn't sleep at all last night. I mean, just he's soars, but. Yeah, soars is a sweetheart, but he is a, he's a mental patient when it comes in.

He would step for five seconds and then right back to sleep. So we went in there. This is me going in there. That's another infuriating thing, the people who can fall asleep that fast make me mental. I'm so angry at that alone. He's overweight and he's prediabetic.

So falling asleep from him is pretty, well, we're staying up as hard. Shit. That was a bit, as we saw Ralphie May, when we saw Ralphie May at Bonnaroo, like a few months before he died. You have to nudge him in the middle of the conversation. No, what was the conversation?

Did it one point where we're sitting there? Kendrick Lamar was playing on stage. They let us go right up front, where it was like kind of like an open area for like artists and the people who want to go there. It's VIP in front of the stage. In front of the stack of speakers, Kendrick Lamar with a live band my first I never knew of music before I was being blown away at the moment I'm like wow this guy is like fucking great. Yeah, I just look so loud and it's like you know

And I look over and Ralphie they have Ralphie in like a crazy-sized lawn chair and he's just like I thought he was dead. I'm like is Ralphie dead and I got now that he just can't stay awake for anything He's got a piece of beef jerky in his hand. I mean there was it was a wall of speaker We were in front of the speakers blasting out at Bono Roo It's not to us those speakers are for a hundred and fifty thousand people behind us And he was right in front of his hair was moving with the base and he was asleep He had people with him that would carry the giant chair for him. You know, he had pants chairs.

Yeah, he just something just opens. Yeah, as soon as he bends his knees, the chair pops out of his back. Oh, shit. Yeah, this is as far as snoring. That is is funny. There's were Dan tried to sleep. I thought it was five seconds ago. They get aggressive. I'm like, what the fuck is this movement? Oh god. If you told me there was a moose with three arrows in it outside making that noise. We have

to save this moose. You... No moose. I was really happy when I was snoring. Sorry, I'm sorry. Dude, his nose should be like sucked into his face. I mean, I mean, Jesus dude. That's nuts. That's so much oxygen he's taking in.

It sounds like somebody trying to start a fucking motorcycle. I mean, that's a great... That's five seconds after Dan, we woke him up. He was up, like a couple of seconds before this. But Bobby went in there with like disbelief, he filmed it because it was disbelief. Yeah, it was bad. Bobby was like, no, because Dan's like,

oh, this is like Dan, I know snoring like sucks and until it's like, you can't get to sleep and then stay asleep through snoring usually. Like, we all, you know, I mean, I go to sleep to Christine's, and she's gonna sleep to me snoring before like, you'll get there. And he was just like, dude,

it's not that kind of snoring. It's not because it would, he's like, it would make like the bed, which like the couch would move. I had that one time that happened for this is when I was like 18, we ought to meet my friends at the, and a guy I didn't know, he was related to my friend. He snored so loud on the couch.

I stared at the ceiling the whole night. It was the most miserable night I've ever experienced. So I feel like I know what. That snoring is like killing flies for the vibration of the window. You know what I mean? Next level. Yeah dude, everything. My dance noise now.

She just started snoring like a couple like this year, like really bad. And I used to be able to just nudge her. She would snore like this, like that. Like that, and I'd nudge her and she'd stop for like two minutes for me to get to sleep But now she's snore like a dude Yeah, you received the steam wolves for sure But there is a thing like I usually nudge her and she'll move and stop for a few minutes and then Pick back up

Christine's but I'd say that falling asleep though and snoring immediately, which I know I do also But Christine like the best is she'll like snuggle into my arm, like we're watching something, because I can't, now I can't keep an eye on her to see if she's awake. And I just go like, I'm like Christine, you still awake, and she'll say yes, and then a minute later I start feeling like the hot wet on my left under tit from her breathing and just are going I'm like all right I'm making a fart noise under my armpit with my hands Just Christine whaling in my armpit You do you'll be snoring and I'll go like Jay fell asleep and you're like no I didn't like you were sitting here snoring

Crazy you made it right past Chris Rock and then passed out the pre-show. I don't know. I fell asleep so quick on those fights. I was just, I don't know what's going on. I love that we made waves to, we really made waves on the Chris Rock. Yeah, I swear. The shoe stagged. Oh, I'll go back to it. His jacket.

Oh, I'll have him in the back too. I just want to say what I, and I do want to apologize to Christine for. I don't know why or where I think I'm at lately, but I have taken to waking up. And then like I would do this in the road for sure, no problem. I mean arching ass almost like I know I'm getting ready and just really cranking out like a hilarious fart. And then go but as soon as it's like I mean the last little

whiff is out of my asshole, I just prance up and go and I looked at Christine is there and I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm so I don't know why I do it like I'm like I'm like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I don't know why I go, I do it like I'm alone. Oh. And I go, no. And in Christine just like, it's fine. And sometimes she has to leave. Yeah, that's another thing you fart me out of bed. I hate that.

Well, Christine loves but having a dog though is and I know for sure, even if it's not every time, she has definitely blamed the fart of hers on the dog for sure. I've never blamed the fart of the dog. Why I haven't? Yeah, some of those are people far. It's I cut on wiping Really? Yeah, that really fucked me out. Did you see did you see the turret on the paper? No, that'll change the relationship Yeah, thank God. I walked in and she she just reached back and did a did her first wipe Mm-hmm, and I was like, and she looked at me and smiled.

It's the muddiest one. Yeah, dude, I was like, fuck. She smiled. She looked at, she wiped and looked at me and smiled. And then I just ran the fuck out of the gun. Oh, my wife shits. I don't want to know that. I think we ever walked in on each other in the bathroom,

actually. Never walked in on each other in the bathroom, but Christine, she said, but Lou, Lou would maybe as a better man than I am, because I really have to tell Christine, Christine, it's crazy that you a pretty lady have left streaks like that in the bowl and that I am scrubbing your shit off a toilet is weird. And then Lou goes, I just don't tell her and do it. I don't want to make her feel bad about herself. I tell you girlfriend shit streaks.

I tell you tell. I say never again. Yeah. Yeah, never again. It's like 9-11, never again. I don't want to. I can't. The Holocaust 9-11 and my girlfriend shit streaks in the toilet.

Oh, and in some time when she does leave it, it's like, did you not turn around? I mean, I don't mind if there was a little tiny one It's like you dumped like a fucking goat And then you didn't you didn't turn around and go that this is intentional. This is to fucking do something to me I was like never again. I don't want to see it again. Listen before I grab the Brush because before I grab the brush, because before I grab the brush, which I, by the way, I do think is a gross concept, but we have one toilet brush. The toilet brush is disgusting, but we have one. So before I grab that, what I'll even try to do is take

more wipes or paper, no, no, no. And like, well, I'll get a big water toilet paper. No, no, no, no, flush. No, no, no, no, no, and well, I'll get a big water toilet paper. No, no, no, no. Flush, so no one goes out and stick it on the dukes, and then flush again, see if it grabs it. You empty the pool and wipe the bottom of the pool, and then... And wipe. I just stick the paper to it. No, we're near touching my hand,

and then flush again and see if it grabs it in the, in the swipe. Because it's too dirty to use the thing that actually is meant to clean it. Yeah, when you use the brush, if I use the brush on a piece of shit like that, I'm like, oh, that brush is going to smell like shit for sure too much.

You gotta scrub the brush and the thing and then flush the brush. I do. And then put that brush so far, I fucking throat fuck it with, I'll just put that in the pipe. Is this Christine's duty? Yeah. Why was it so adorable?

Yeah. I guess she has dry loads because these things grab on to the side. They are not ready to go where they're going down. Women need to drink water. Women need to drink water. They need to drink water. Women don't drink enough water. Yeah, what are your meaty turds are so dry and sticky?

Why is it? It's not. There are streaks that often. Whenever I get shit on the bowl, it's because I've had what could only be described as an explosion of shit. And when you flush, it takes that. But then I go in for the,

I do take the brush and make sure you get a little under because you're not gonna see that under bowl thing. I shit in the cigar bar in Lafayette. And I took a, I took a really big, it was a plane, a like a flying dump Oh wow you know when you get up early and eaten you kind of snacking all the way through and then you go have breakfast and then a coffee and then a cigar and I I had to sit up because the dump came up out of the wall Wow breached it that's a hell of a piece

It that's a hell of a piece It breached Don't the thing if I had if I had just put it to seal Island, dude. It's the only place to shark reach If I had put if I if I had put my hand down regular I would my knuckle would have skimmed You know, I mean have done that I've ever skimmed it No, I've never had one hanging that I wish I had a piece that big I had a set up on my tippy toes and wipe and then put it in and then flush and there was a lot of leftover drag and and I'm not a savage though I I there was a brush there and I cleaned it up with the brush Christine whether it's dealing with any of her woman leaves or taking a shit like you said Bobby I believe

women shit like goats yep they dump or like those carriage horses. Chris need just dumps and keeps them moving forward. She just like the bag got it, I'm sure it's fine. Yeah, the thing I really hate is the monthly, I don't like blood, I don't wanna see it, and I don't wanna, I know it's natural. I know, I know, I know, it's all natural. I know it's all rational shit. And when come in and it and it it's it's the

The little blood drips I still in the thing, but it's like it's it's milky blood. Yeah But it's it's internal blood. It's like medical blood It's got whatever it's got whenever you are in there. Yeah, it's fucking DNA blood. It's bad. It's not. And then it's on that. And I'll call her in. I'll be like, you gotta do it.

You gotta do it. You gotta get in here. If that argument's where she goes, it's fucked up. You have to call me and go, Christine, I can't understand. And this is what I'll get. There's blood. If she lifted the seat to pee she'd see that it's like under I don't even know how fucking arcs up like that. I don't know how's it how's it get on the

Creepy uses that cork the diva cup which they featured in the last of us I think what is that really what is that yeah Yeah, it's still it's a surgical great silicone It's a little cup. You know what I'm up there. I'm gonna throw it in it come up to the blood It cups. Why would you want a you take it out you pop it out and you dump it with your hands great silicone, and it's a little cup that pops it up there. I'm not sure. And it comes to the blood. It cups, why would you, are you drinking it? And then you take it out, you pop it out, and you dump it. With your hands, blood on your fingers, blood on, it's. You catch a rhythm.

I've been doing it for a long time. She has no rhythm. You can't, when's the rhythm? When are you going to catch it? I'm still cleaning up blood a hundred percent of monsters. Here's the problem. I empty it. I never, I never lived up the toilet seat like ever

So I just don't see it and then he goes to pee and you lift up the toilet seat to pee. Yeah, and you see the blood spatter I've touched it. Oh, I've seen it. It's on both sides of the toilet like it's on the top of the balls and then underneath The seat that goes down on it. It's in yet dexter. You can clone Christine from where I've pulled out of there and I'll tell you. When I call her in for, she's like, okay. And I'm like, how can this not be avoided? Jay, you're going to be careful if something happens to her and they suspect it you and they're going to find blood spatter in the bathroom like you smashed her head in the tub. Absolutely. They're going to find it. Yeah. Yeah find it yeah yeah you're gonna be fucked oh it looks like he like

curbed her on this fucking on the side of this fucking toilet bite the porcelain it's fucking yeah oh Bobby I'm so happy you're here because that's Christine looked at me when you said that he goes I bring dawn in Christine doesn't like being corrected and I love correcting her like a child. So it's a real conundrum in our relationship. So you're all fun in the house. Okay, here's a thing. I like to walk her over and put her nose in her problems.

I write the blood. And then I give her a little wet weathered newspaper. You think she'd learn. I actually, I do things, man. I, we have the bidet, right? And the bidet, what do you push the button and it shoots out and it cleans your butt, right? But it's not supposed to, I make it clean my butt,

like it's like that mining, when they just spray the water on the side of the dirt and it just falls out, like I'll have stuff. So I'm, I like learn to open my butt hole up a little bit. Except inside of you. So I present the little and it cleans everything. You have to level some of your mouth to get ready. You have to be like, oh wow.

I'm gonna be like, oh, like a little thing. Like you have to mimic what you want your asshole to do and you know, sort of do it. Watch what I'm doing right now, look. Oh. I'm making my butthole to this right now, Jacob. Look, I'm making it go. Oh, I just go.

I just go into my mouth. It's ooh, ah. It goes from an udu, I can making it go. Oh, I just don't, I just don't know what it might be. It's ooh, ah. It goes, ooh, I can make it go. Ah. Little push pull. So the shit when that happens though, the little stick is still out, so the poop falls down on the stick.

And then the stick goes back in. It's supposed to self clean, but it doesn't. Now, my wife brought that to my attention one day in an argument, because she'll hold onto it. Now, my wife brought that to my attention one day in an argument, because she'll hold on to it, and, you know, not tell me about it. She'll hold it with like ammo. So when we do get in a fight about her blood thing, one day I was like, Hey, you can't, you can't be leaving your blood, blood in the toilet. She goes, well, you shit on the stick and don't, and you don't clean it up. So now but she never told you about that. She held it

I didn't know I was doing that. I can't see the stick I just know I felt pleasure and joy and ecstasy that my ass was being fully cleaned with water you're accepting it I was accepting I think this is a bad design Mine doesn't like retract out so that it's right over your blood hole. It's at an angle, so it never even comes, it shoots at an angle, so it never even. Maybe your butthole's not at an angle,

your butthole's facing down. I think that. Not real, but because when you're kind of leaning forward that you kind of twerk when you're getting your, you're, you're, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, what the fuck do you do today? You have to work it sometimes. You're a bit late. It's work at some time You're gonna work it a little little twerking like one 10% twerking

I don't understand. Can you give me a little example of how you do it? Yeah, I mean See me. I'm in mind is never a problem Okay, so how do you do it? Because the nozzle is here is behind your butthole Okay, it's behind my butthole Going up at an angle into your

I'm sitting up straight taking a shit and then what do I do lean forward just a little bit just lean a little bit Sometimes you go like this you gotta find where your spot is but Jacob said you find your sweet spot I'm fine. Wait. You just know like like the four noise changes it goes from this Yes, when it hits the hole It always changes, it goes from this. Sure. Yes, when it hits the hole, it's actually like, you're kind of like,

that gargly kind of like water on water, but, for years, you just know where it is. I don't have to readjust. What kind of you got? The fishy. You have the Tushy. I have a Tushy, but I don't have that. I have, I have, I never installed that one.

I have a, I have a high end heated seat. You would seat you would tell it out like it's over designed to me. Oh, maybe it is Maybe I'm over designed as because it does poop does fall in the stick that comes out. That's a lot But don't don't take this play when yourself Bobby. Why let's focus on this you didn't know about this shit on the stick I did not know do you're being chastised for it? But it's it's now here I will say to Dawn's defense Because Christine has made a thing she's like every month jay are you still going to bring in here and i'm like well fix it and then what i'll do is i will not say anything about it for the next few months

when i was that way when we argue i look christine you don't want anything that the things to be able to put you think it doesn't happen every once still i just don't say it i just clean it now but i do bring up stop still that's a big month of no shit doesn't happen every once still. I just don't say it. I just clean it now. But then I do bring up stuff still. Gotta give her the bid. That's like six months of no shit. What did you say?

She bought herself six months. I mean, I'll give her a shit about the blood. But the blood thing, Christine, I don't understand. You know I love you, but you have blood in a cup and you have to pull it out of your vagina. Yeah, like a fucking vampire. She has like a shallus of blood. She pulls that over snatch everywhere she goes.

And the first in shoving cotton up there? Yep. Um, yeah. 100% that... It is. Because the cotton is absorbing it and you're pulling it out and there's no fuss, no must. Yeah.

You're actually pulling a cup of shardinay out of your vagina. And then putting it and then dumping it in the toilet. Yeah. Splashing it everywhere and then rinsing it out in a sink. In the sink. In the sink. Not the sink. Not the sink. The sink not the sink the sink not the

sink you're lying she boils it in our pots no I am the one pot that's full of the diva cutty the last day the period the first day that is not full of blood she just leaves it in the shower for the next 28 days and so she has the boil in her Smell my duty Christine you really should be playing Christine you should be playing a pipe organ when I do this We're thinking we stick our last break when you enter the do it. Hello Welcome, oh Christine it's been a long time We're gonna take our last It's Bobby's first day.

It's the Bonfire. Hey, everybody. Thanks for listening. That was just a portion of our actual serious XM radio show. If you want the whole thing, the whole damn thing, go to seriousxm.com slash bonfire a special episode of the show. Crackle Ice stick.