The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Welcoming Satan with Kim Congdon

Episode Date: September 4, 2024

In this part two of the Kim Congdon episode, Bobby is afraid his son will get injured at the Slipnot concert tomorrow. Kim is afraid to get bed bugs again. Jay risks his own life by drawing a religious picture despite the warnings of everyone in the room. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ on Apple Podcasts to listen to new episodes ad-free and a whole week early.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly I'm gonna tattoo max tonight. Please don't homemade No, no, no, I'm not letting I'm not letting a bunch of fucking maniacs take my kid out in the middle No, no, I'm not letting a bunch of fucking maniacs take my kid out in the middle. Oh, Kim, you like this concert so much. So much fire and stuff. I would crowd surf here. Oh, yeah. When I was in rehab, back when I was 15, 16, and it was like 25 boys in a house, and anywhere from 9 to 18 in the house, and this kid came in, little 9-year-old kid,

youngest kid in the house, cute this kid came in, little nine-year-old kid, youngest kid in the house, cute as could be, he came in, and there was something wrong with him. Like, you wouldn't get undressed with any of, like, we'd all, you know, take your stuff off, you know, in a big open room with bunk beds and stuff, and he would always have to go in the bathroom and stuff, and we found out that he was in a mosh pit,

and they just kicked his balls over and over, and he got really hurt in a mosh pit and they just kicked his balls over and over and he got really hurt in a mosh pit and there was something wrong with his junk. He didn't want you to see his ball bag? Well there was something wrong with it. He had to wear certain things on his junk. Oh here you go, you could show. I'm not letting Max get his ball bag kicked

by some fucking maniac. He's just gotta put his hands out. Show him the opening. Jay, you promised me that we're not gonna get hurt. Of course not. Well now he's fucking on, he's crowd surfing. No, that's not true. Kim just said that.

It doesn't make it happen, you know. I never forgot that Johnny Knoxville said that he got injured on a stunt and he had to wear a stent in his penis hole for years. No, no, no. He had to do it every day. Every day he had to go open his dick hole up twice a day with a catheter.

This kid had to do that. Because the scar tissue would have closed. Yeah. I don't know how long he had to wear it, but it was a long time. Yeah, this kid, I felt so bad. A little, young little boy, he was like this cute little kid that was in rehab,

but he had this thing, he had to wear a certain bandage and put stuff, his dick was all fucked up, his balls were all fucked up. Now he plays with Fred Durst and he's okay. Do you wanna tape down, you wanna tape down Max's balls in case? I mean if we can't, I mean if there's any way. Yeah, you could go tuck Max back

before the concert if you want. Do you have anything? You wanna tuck his dick back before the concert? Yeah, we could like, we could duct tape, we could probably duct tape him down pretty good. Kid's got a piece, man. I'm not, I'm just saying that, dude. No, please.

Bobby, I'll taste it for myself. All right, you can taste it. Hey, shut up. It's a friend thing. Bobby, I'll be the judge of that. OK, great. I'll show you. Before we go, he walked out the other day, and I was like, god,

this is fucking not my side of the family. No. Those weather bees are. Is he going to out-dick you? He's going to. Yes. No. Does that make you feel ashamed or proud?

Proud. My new son-in-law is going to out-dick you? He's gonna, yes. No, does that make you feel ashamed or proud? Proud. My new son-in-law's gonna out-dick everybody here, so don't worry. Yeah, Jay. We're bringing the biggest dick to Slipknot tonight. I told Max about that. He's like, are we gonna have to beat him up? I was like, well, let's see if we can first.

Yeah, six foot five black dude, good luck. Hell yeah, good job, Isabella. He's gonna, yeah, I'm a little nervous, but you said it, now I'm getting more nervous. Why? I don't know. Show him how the show started. It's okay, he's just a black guy.

Oh, you thought I was talking about Max? Oh no, I'm nervous about it. I'm just thinking Max's nervous about a black guy. It's fine. Max, look it, we just moved. He's 11, it's time. It's the reason we don't live in the city, okay? You're bringing him right back.

Here, look how it opens. This is what... His eyes are gonna be... Holy shit on this. He is. He's already crazy. But there's no pit there, right? This is just a seating. I don't know. I don't know about that. That was the seating. Doesn't mean there's not a pit.

Pits are the wrong term. It's general admission. Going to a pit is... P term. It's general admission. Why don't you just- Going in a pit is, their pits happen in general admission. In general admission. Not with seats. Well, no, it's called the pit, but there is a mosh pit within the pit. We don't have seats.

We're general admission in the front. What are you making your face? This is great. I don't, I told you, I got general admission to Van Halen, Van Hagar. I was front row. Right. I ran up, general admission, and I got crushed. Why would you Halen, Van Hagar. I was front row. I ran up general admission and I got crushed.

Why would you run up to Van Hagar? Are you crazy? Grow up. It was when Van Hagar was Van Hagar. I wouldn't do it now. Were you wearing a fringed leather jacket? No, I was wearing a cut off New Balance shirt, mesh. I picked you were dressed like Jodie Foster in The Accused.

Whatever. Looking for it. Whatever. Just looking for it. As long as you're against it, you can always go towards the back of the railing. Bobby, this is a non-issue. Hang on, she's giving me information that I need. She doesn't know. She doesn't know anything.

This is going to be so much. There's so much space. That's the second what you did. You gave me a what, and you gave Jay a what. Because I said what because I thought you knew that we didn't have seats and I said, what Tim, like I don't know about pits at concerts. That's crazy.

That is crazy. You are being crazy about that shit. She knows everything about pits and concerts. Can we move past this part now? That's passive aggressive, I think. Yes, Christine, you're the pit master. What? You're actually acting like one of those big ghost hunters right now.

She knows everything about that. Christine, my shoes are red, not mag hunters right now. She knows everything about that. Christine, my shoes are red, not magenta, bitch. Let's just move on. What yourself? Look, you'll see how it starts. Start it up. I'm going to put it back to the end.

You'll get fired up. Awesome intro. Dude, we're so close to being in this new house. I don't want to have to. He's going to love it. I don't want to have to get a kid. You won't. You have to bury Max in the backyard.

You have to get one of those wheelchairs that goes up the stairs I'll fucking I'm out. Oh, did I be great? You're killing him? I'm out. No, he's you're gone Oh max has to fucking yes, he can't talk and moves. He has a move with the tube He just uses his eyes to tell you you want chicken nuggets Come out. That's great. I love it That's great. I love it. They're so good. We'll skip ahead a little bit. He's already asking. Is Jay going to be smoking weed?

I was like, probably. He asked that? Yeah. Here we go. Alright. Where are we right now? Just tell me where we are. Where that hand is.

That's the middle. tell me where we are. Where that hand is. That's the middle. Yeah. That's the middle. That's where we are. No, you guys are going to be in it. Where's the middle? Where can I be? You're going to be there. I'm telling you. You'll be furthest back in General Mission. See where the heart is? That was for you.

That girl just threw up a little heart. You think she's going to get hurt? No. Yeah. She threw up a little heart. I want Kim to go so she can fight people off. They're so purposely dramatic. I would do that. I I know I would do that. I don't know how dramatic it is.

What the show starts at eight. They go on about nine, I think. Yeah. Oh, OK. Just them, though. No, no, no. Oh, they have open airs. That's what I'm saying. So the shows at seven doors are at seven or some or shows at seven probably go on about eight thirty nine. What time are we going in?

Eight. We're not going to go see the beginning. This is in breakdown quality. There's so much shit happening. I hate it. Everybody has their phones up, even though I do. I hate it too. Yeah, I'm not going to do it. I usually only do like a minute or so just to have something and then put it away. I get that.

All right, that's not that bad. that. No it's gonna be nice people. Well it's gonna be older a little bit older also. Yeah, people that are fans of Slipknot, their backs already hurt. It's not, it would be different if it was a young mumble rapper where the kids like when you see young kids at concerts that's when you should be scared because they'll smush you. A Travis Scott concert I heard can get like kind of dangerous. Like everyone, and not even the, he had the actual thing happen, but I'm saying just people crushing and trying to look, that's what I'm saying. You see like in the middle, there's some people like, but most people are just bobbing their heads. I was at the hardware store today buying earplugs for the concert and they were

like, what are you buying these for? I'm going to a slipknot concert withplugs for the concert, and they were like, what are you buying these for? I'm going to a Slipknot concert with my kid. And the kids work, and they were like, oh cool. And just an old guy came up from the back with devil horns. He was like, I've been seven times. I was like, all right, there you go. Oh, you're gonna love. And Bobby, Bobby, even not being a big fan,

you're gonna buy so much Slipknot merch, dude, I feel it. You know, I do. They got cool merch. Yeah, man. I went to Ludacris and everybody was like holding their backs a little. Everybody's like move, ugh, get out of the way. Oh yeah, we went to the 50 Years of Hip Hop concert

and that was like, it was genuinely, it was like a, like a, like math, it was like all like 45 year old, 50 year old math teachers. Oh yeah. Like in the after 50 year old math teachers. Oh yeah. Like in the after 50 years of hip hop. They were selling juice. Yeah. Oh my lord.

I think every concert we've been to has been an older crowd too. Stones, Kiss. Dude, that was crazy when we... The Cure. When we did Skank Fest a couple years ago and it was the same time as the Astroworld concert where everyone crushed, remember? Oh, in the morning south in Houston.

Yeah, and those people were staying in our hotels. There it is, look, Bob. There's a mosh pit happening. But do you see how that's happening and no one has to be in that? No, you can walk your... By the way, they're also walking in circles, really, is what they're doing.

And they also will see if a child's there and not hurt him. Or he might get sucked into the vortex of it. What the fuck, Jacob? If they call for a wall of death, you grab your son and you run. What? If they call for a wall of death and you see people spreading like the sea.

What, the Rob Dukes thing? Don't scare him like that, Kim. Listen, they are gonna do a thing. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. The word death is in it, dude. It's a wall of death, they don't do this. It's a wall of death.

Is that the thing that Rob Dukes did? That's what I do at Sky? Yes, yeah, yeah, that's the wall of death. But they don't do that here. That's not what they do, but they do a thing. What's the thing? He has genuine fear in his eyes. So the thing that Christine, bring it up,

you know where you can find it online. Buddy, I'm days away. I have to close on Friday on the house. When they come out for the encore, the first song on the encore, they're gonna do a song called spit it out Generally everyone has to start sucking. I don't want to spit on I don't want to be spit on you don't be spit on That's not what they do. The songs called that and then in the middle of the song they do a breakdown

Where it takes them a few minutes they tell everybody to get on the floor And get down like you know squat down and they do it for a while They make everybody squat down and then he starts that part of the song over and it builds up to a point and he goes and then the whole place jumps and like the beef is going rock lobster yes like rock lobster baby I can do that yeah that's it Bobby you just mod dance to be a mod girl dude I got a bad knee I got a torn meniscus and blood defasciitis. Am I gonna come out of this concert fucked up?

Oh, here you go. He's doing it here. This is, he'll do this tonight. Kim, you love this part. What the fuck are you gonna fucking do? Sounds aggressive. You see how they're all squatted down? But not yet. Oh, man. Not yet. Oh, no. But look how they all man. Not yet.

Look how they all listen. Not until I say, jump the fuck up. Not until I say, jump the fuck up. Is that clear you crazy motherfuckers? It's also, there are older bands with a lot of unity talk and love and loving each other and shit. Doesn't look like unity. Oh this is unity alright. Looks like cultish.

One guy saying, not yet motherfuckers not knowing this song my ex-wife I took her to a slipknot concert early dating and this happened on us. We didn't know what was happening I didn't know I was like everyone was getting down I'm like, okay, and he's like when I say jump up jump up and you're like, okay I guess so jump up and I was just standing there and then when like my feet were off the ground It was a lawn though different good when my feet were off the ground. It was a lawn though, different. Good. Let's take these motherfuckers home, man.

Everybody's squatting now in the concert. They're still squatting. Yes. My knee's hurting right now. Yes. I'm out of breath. Oh, that looks scary that looks fun that looks fun that looks fun I'll do that the drum guys facing forward it's all chaos I've always wanted to do that holy shit

what is that his His drum kit. That's all kind of crazy. His drum kit is like spinning around. But also sideways. Yeah. Fuck Tommy Lee. Do they still do that? New drummer, I don't know what he does.

This is Joey Jodison. That's one of the coolest fucking. I wanna be a drummer too. That's so funny, like so they got a new drummer, so what does that drummer own, that whole thing now? Where's he store that? Oh, this drummer was was he's dead. He's dead. Wow that means They flipped him over too hard on that thing. That means his wife is like fuck what are we doing with this fucking stupid thing? Max Weinberg's son took over. That's on a lawn somewhere in Jersey. Oh it says free on it.

That looks like a child right there. He looked young. Rotate on Facebook Marketplace, rotating drum thing. Facebook Marketplace. How much you want? Come get it. Hey, is this still available? If it's up, it's still available. Stop asking. Is Joey Jordison's stage kit available still?

He goes, yeah. I don't know how the goddamn motor works, though. So you're going to have to figure that on your own. How do I connect this to my living room wall? I don't know if it's in tune, but. Just in your apartment spinning against a wall. You know, somebody just got ahold of Yeezy's storage unit. Whoa.

Oh, I saw that. They just found. You don't have to call him Yeezy. That's what he told me. His name's Kanye. That's what he told me to call him. When, you met him? Yeah. When? We're friends, dude. You're friends with Kanye. That's what he told me. His name's Kanye. That's what he told me to call him. When, you met him? Yeah.

When? We're friends, dude. You're friends with Kanye. Yes. You're a liar. I did a show out in Texas. He came in with somebody else, the club owner he was friends with.

He walked in, was sitting in the back of the show after we went up hanging out. I smoked cigars, he smoked weed. My grandmother had a vest. And I had this vest on. Thank you very much. You bastard. Thank you very much I appreciate it. Thank you

But he so someone bought his storage unit and got all his shit Hey, oh I've Kanye's clan mask They're all this weird shit that he had in his storage unit, but they did get all these like they get it Yes Auction didn't. How'd they get it? Was it just enough for auction? Yeah, auction, didn't pay it, and they got it. Oh, that would have been a good find. That's great. He literally looks like an uncle who's going off his shit.

He's a clone. I fully believe that theory. He's a clone, that's not him. Well, I heard his teeth, Rodney had his mouth. Because he got metal teeth. Yeah, but I heard he's getting sick because of his teeth. Oh, that makes sense. I think it's that thing, I think it's what he did to them. Yeah. Yeah, but I heard that he's getting sick because of his teeth. Oh, that makes sense.

I think it's that thing. I think it's what he did to them. Yeah. And then they say now that his, isn't that the theory now is that his dentist, everyone was fired but his dentist, so they said the dentist is giving him a an ass, right? Well, Milo Yiannopoulos

was his chief of staff, and Kanye was. The very straight Milo Yiannopoulos, by the way. He went through it, he told us. The straight guy, Milo Yiannopoulos. But he was actually in the Gay Ghost Hunters. He was that gay guy. Yeah, he was the gay ghost. It's magenta, asshole.

Vote Trump. But Kanye West fired everybody except his dentist, who apparently just has him doped up on laughing gas. Hell yeah. And his teeth. Dude, your teeth rot? You know, most people died back in the day from tooth decay.

That's why they say you should never get a root canal. Why? Who says that? They. Who's they? Trans people? Okay. They them.

You know them. Non-binary say that. They them? They them said that, yeah. That's the dentist. Yeah, that's the guy who went doing my teeth. Oh, hell yeah, dude. What the fuck?

By the way, this looks like every ad for clothes they think I should buy on Facebook. Well, that's Yeezy shit. It all looks like it got out of a puddle. Buddy, every time I look at clothes, they try to tell me to buy. It's like, hey, do you want to dress like a casual Jedi? And it's like something with a, like a, it's a,

do you want to always look at everybody through under eyes? I guess. Look at the tag's location. Do you want a lightsaber? Yeah. I guess. Hey, do you want to dress like a Tatooine local? Wow.

Maybe prefer the Battle of Hoth. Maybe you're more of an Endor guy. Yeah. Yeah, they found all this. The shit that they found, though, his clothes sucked. I don't get it. That doesn't make sense. It's like solar powered jackets.

Like power for what? I think he secretly makes clothes for autistic people. He had a bunch of like a ton. His jackets are really, really heavy. The clothes have like weird, like no seams. He had linen shirts that looked undone. Like they didn't finish making them. But that was the shirt you bought for 700 bucks.

On that night of too many stars, when they were going through the autistic people's clothes, they really have to do, you know when they do like the, like the commercials for like infomercials, and they're like, it's like, have you been buttering bread like this your whole life? And they're almost like slicing their hands off. How do you even possible?

And they're like, now the butter gun, like does the thing. It's the same like the sales pitch, fuck, still gonna forget where I was going with that. It's gonna be great. God damn it, I want the butter gun now, you asshole. The butter gun is a good idea. Now I'll get right back there.

I want a butter gun, so do I. Infomercial, show the vlog. I want a butter gun too. What does it do, like does it shoot it out? Yeah it does. I don't think it's a real butter gun. But does it like. Stick em up.

Ha ha ha. Mm, it's gonna be so juicy Thank you, Bobby What's a butter gun does it like spread it Bobby? I don't think there's a butter gun. I think there is too many stars Not too many stars. Oh, yeah when they were pushing the autistic clothing in the middle of that like when they have to do the commercial for Like it not working at first They have to be like are you tired of your autistic kid punching himself

in the face and head-butting walls due to buttons and it has to show him like, ah! And it's like, now magnet buttons. And they're just like tooth all out. Like look how happy they are. They're slobbering. Magnet buttons, I want those too. Magnet buttons so you don't freak out.

That's relatable. There's a video. Yeah, watch the video. The stuff they find is stupid. A stage box? None of it. I almost can't watch this. It's making me so, like I'm,

I love trash and other people's trash. It's like a weird, yeah. If I could just go through storages all day, that'd be sick. When I first moved to New York, when I lived with Billy Burr, he used to get mad at me because I would just go through storages all day, that'd be sick. When I first moved to New York, when I lived with Billy Burr, he used to get mad at me because I would just come home with, I came home with a StairMaster, but it was just the stairs.

That you, you know the ones that you just. You're like, we could use this. I put it in the living room. He came home and I was just in my workout outfit, and I was just like, dude, do an accent. He's like, dude, we live in a fucking studio, dude. And who knows what the hell you brought in. When Kurt Metzger first moved here to New York before me,

I would stay at his place a lot, and they lived in a converted loft. Him and his girlfriend lived in a makeshift room, essentially, and the two other roommates had, one had an actual room, the other one had another makeshift room, and they had basically a shared living room space. But they were like, oh, you could sleep

on the couch out there. And one of the times I stayed over there when I woke up in the middle of the night, like fiery itching. You know what I mean? Where it itches so much, it's almost like a burn on everything. I go, what the fuck?

Then I look in the morning, I'm covered in these little itchy dots all over my body. And I go, Kurt, what could this possibly be? And he goes, I don't know. this possibly be on the couch? He goes, hmm. He's like, I don't know, we did trash pick the couch. Oh, you got bugs. And I was like, not bed bugs, it was fucking fleas. Oh, you got dogged.

That's better than bed bugs, actually. It's easier to get rid of. I don't think it's an infestation fleas as much as bed bugs is like a real, like you can't bathe, but fleas. I don't think I brought anything backwards. I was their tester, he goes, oh yeah, we probably shouldn't a big fleet. I don't think I brought anything backwards. I was there tested and it goes like, oh yeah, we probably shouldn't keep that couch.

I don't think so. It wasn't even comfortable. It was real garbage. I brought a couch home to build. I brought a little mini, one of those couches that you sit on, but then you fold it onto a little bed. Oh yeah.

Yeah, I got it on the trash. A trundle? I cannot bring anything home from the trash. I didn't realize you were such a picker. You're an American picker? I do, I do that for a living in a second. I like storage trash. I like when I drive around the neighborhood

and they have those at the flea market. I always stop. I bought a screwdriver. I brought one of those things that you just stick the trash and you can pick up stuff around you. Oh yeah, those are fun. Yeah, I bought one of those things that you just stick the trash and you can pick up stuff around you back there. Oh yeah, those are fun. Yeah, I bought one of those. I want a metal detector.

You're a human raccoon. I am. The amount of shit that we had to throw out was mostly shit that I picked from other people's garbage. Yeah. Is that your stomach the whole time or is that just a microphone? That's a microphone.

Not my stomach. Yeah, that's not me. Is that your stomach? Is that your stomach the whole time or is that just a microphone? That's a microphone. Not my stomach. Yeah, it's not me. Is that your stomach? Is that a- You're the only new stomach. Is that your magnets clanging together? Do you think your magnets are drawing something up? Is that your gastrointestinal fluids bubbling up

like a volcano? It does sound like an alien trying to communicate with us. What if it's a gay ghost trying to get out? No, it's not my stomach. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi.

I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi.

I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi.

I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi. I'm bi.'t take trash. I understand, but I'm saying it's the bugs. Oh. Oh, I thought you meant legally. You can take anything you want.

Yeah, but it depends on what area, you know? I thought you meant it was against the law. I'm like, oh, fuck off. You're on the Upper West Side, Upper East Side, and you see a Victorian bureau. Oh, yeah, you take that shit. Snatch that. It depends, you gotta look at it for a second.

Don't take towels or something. You can see the bed bugs? No. You can do a bed bug? Yeah, you can see bed bugs. Yeah, take towels or something. You can see the bed bugs? No. You can do a bed bug. Yeah, you can see bed bugs. Yeah, you can see them. You can see them, little blood clots. I'm like, I'm allergic to bed bugs.

I've had them twice from hotels, from touring. Here's how you find out. If you have them, get the iron, plug it in, and put it on the corner of the mattress, on the sheet, and just rub it up and down, and the heat will draw the bugs out if they're there. Oh. Oh. Yeah.

And I saw a video, they checked into a nice hotel. Oh, I'm so scared of them. You can get the iron, heat up the corner of the mattress where the sheet is, and the heat will, if they're there, you'll see black dots pop up. One time me and Louis were on the road together when we were dating. This is kind of a gross story.

What is that noise? Now I hear it. Ah. What is that noise? Now I hear it. Ah. What is that? Gay ghost. I don't know. What is that? Turn off each microphone and see which one it is.

Nope, not that one. Nope, not that one. Oh, that, I do hear it now. You never heard it before? No, I'm hearing it when he put up whatever that mic was. Maggie's crazy magnet belly. I knew it. I knew eventually her gastrointestinal problems would fuck my life up.

I can't hear it now. Now it's freaking me out. I know. Hang on, let's hear it. It's gone. Oh, is that because I welcomed Satan into the studio you think? Oh. Now you have to get him out. Christine, use your witchcraft. Get him out. Is that because I welcomed Satan into the studio, you think? Oh! No! Now you have to get him out. Christine, use your witchcraft, get him out.

You have to unwelcome him. You need to welcome the Lord. Yeah, you gotta pee on the floor. Christine, good shim-shalabim. She gave a good. Yeah, shim-shalabim. Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, Jay. That's not what witch shit is.

Do you, Jay? What? Accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. Sure. No you don't. Or no, I don't. Why'd you say no for him? Because he doesn't believe in anything.

No right, but I'm saying so like sure, yeah. He believes in it. Gotta have one, right? I guess he's my Lord and Savior. If there is one, then he's it. Whoever asks, whoever the real one is, when he asks if I believed in him, I'll say yep, the whole time.

I believed in all of you and I guess you are real because you were one of them. Yeah, Elon Musk might be our Lord and Savior, I don't know. I don't think that. If you had to pick one right Yeah, Elon Musk might be our lord and savior, I don't know. I don't think that. If you had to pick one, right now, you had to pick one, who would you pick? Trump, no. Yeah, Trump, dude.

Yeah, Allah. Hell yeah. Really? The prophet Muhammad's on the drama. I have some good ideas. It's too much work, five times a day. Oh yeah, you gotta go find a corner, you need a mat. Yeah, you gotta starve like one, twice a year

or something like that. I could've been a clothes designer, but I always did my drawings on faces of Muhammad, so nobody would look at it. What? I'd be like, look at the Prophet Muhammad wearing this sick ass summer outfit. And they're like, I can't look at that, sir.

Oh, you sure you can, look. Prophet Muhammad wearing a fucking fun to peace That would suck to just be in the middle of something and they'd be like have right back, dude You get a kneel down and faced east Yeah, yeah face down You're at a barbecue having a great time. Give me one sec I saw somebody doing at the Marilyn Manson concert Yeah, they were doing it today when I was coming here.

Right in the street, they have to, right there, get down. Why? Because they have to. Because God says so. They have to pray five times a day. Facing Mecca. You have to face Mecca, get on your knees, and five times a day.

That's right. Well, all the people that run the carts, you have to wait because they're praying. As a girl, I would be so confused. I'd be like, which way is Mecca the whole time? Every day for fucking five times a day, I'd be like, I they're praying. As a girl I would be so confused. I'd be like, which way is Mecca? The whole time, every day for fucking five times a day. I'd be like, I don't know, what north of Mecca? South Mecca?

Do you have the Mecca app? Yeah, I don't know. I need a Mecca compass. Which way is fucking Mecca? I need to go downward dog at Mecca. I didn't know that was when I moved to Astoria years ago. You thought people were just praying to you? I needed to buy batteries.

I went into a store. You were a god? People were just bowing towards you? No, I mean the guy was praying. So I'm the customer, so I was just standing there holding these batteries like I'm ready to buy these. He just didn't answer you? Didn't acknowledge, but I stood there way longer

than I should have before I realized this isn't happening. I'm not getting my batteries. You gave up on the batteries altogether. How long could the power of possibility be? Yeah, it's long. It's long, and you know what you should have done? You should have battled it with Jesus Christ. I didn't.

You should have, our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. The power of Christ compels you. You could have like shucked the thing at him. Or some kind of Jewish Kabbalah. I don't have the power. Don't do a Jewish Kabbalah. That'd be a fight. I didn't want an issue.

I just wanted the batteries. A multi-lech. A man of horits. You said, hey, get off your knees, bitch. This isn't the Middle East. Is that what you said, dude? Fuck yeah. I said nothing.

Really? It was me and him in a silent store. You should have taken the batteries. And I'm just standing the batteries. You should have walked out with them. And been like put it on Hamas's tab. Yeah. I'm taking these.

Yeah. All I wanted me to have is Shabbat Shalom bitch. Yeah. Hey be honest. How does this summer outfit look on the Prophet Muhammad? I cannot look! I cannot look! Hey real quick do me a favor. Does this look on the Prophet Muhammad? I cannot look! I cannot look!

Hey, real quick. Do me a favor. Does this look good? It looks like it's throwback. It looks like a Newport. Like I got it with Newport miles. But is the Prophet Muhammad wearing it? What is he?

I've never seen a ffff. What does he look like? Oh, give me a pen. Dude, don't do that. Don't do that. Why? I don't want you to get killed. I did a very over-exaggerated, I'm just putting this back. Oh, really? On the shelf so he knows. I'm just putting this back. Oh really shelf

So I'm just gonna back out of here. He just taking it dude Yeah, thank you Lou finally someone He looks like that's what those guys got killed for right? Yep. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Please don't but why can't we draw like? That's what those guys got killed for, right? Yep, yep. He's not doing it. Yep. Oh, please don't. But why can't we draw him where it's America? Yeah, you. We can, right?

You can. But we have to walk outside, and I don't know if you've seen all the halakots in front of Sirius. What if you got Prophet Muhammad tattooed on you? That'd be hard, dude. On your ass? That'd go hard, right on your fucking neck.

Right on you, right above your ass? Yeah. Right in your coochie? Pointing down? Yeah, Bart Simpson style, so I can make his lips move with my lips. La la la la la. La la la la la la.

La la la la la. La la la la la. La la la la la. All up, bar. Oh, geez. This guy. All up. All up, queef bar.

Oh, jeez. Everybody's nervous in the studio. Oh, wow. That is. Your magnets are clanging together. Clang, clang, clang. It's like the MRI. Oh, here we go. Oh, no.

And then. He's doing it, people. He's breaking the one rule. Didn't that guy get killed in the UK for drawing it? Yeah, literally they came together and that was like a newspaper, where was that? Charlie Hebdo. Yes, okay.

Didn't they, I mean they were running, they're fighting in the UK right now. There was like a bunch of Muslims running through the streets with machetes and knives yesterday, was it? I think it was yesterday or something. I didn't see any, you whited it up. I didn't see no machetes or knives. Did you?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw them run in the streets, but I didn't see the knives, but they are taken over the UK. That's the Prophet Muhammad giving his thumbs up and giving a wink. That looks like Gnome. Let me see.

That looks like Gnome, the owner of the comedy show. Dude, that looks like my uncle who looks like Bin Laden. I had a feeling your uncle looked a lot like the Prophet Muhammad. Have you ever, no, my uncle looks exactly, whoa, okay. You pretty much just drew that, yeah. That's nuts, Jay. Yeah, but mine's cooler.

Dude. Mine's, this guy looks frazzled and the same. My guy's just giving you like a, it's actually fine. You can draw me. Well, their guy's a chef. And your guy's just having fun. Yeah. At a kid's party.

You know what, you're right. I should put a basketball on his finger. You're so brave, Jay. A spinning basketball. What if this really takes him out? And then we'll make little motion movements on the basketball so we know it's spinning. So these cartoons are what the guy got killed for?

Wow. Should I make him riding a skateboard? You're right. No, right? What's Ari Shafiro's special? Jew. Yeah, put that on there. Put this, yeah. Yeah, put this on the comments underneath Jew. Can you sign that please? Absolutely. He's not doing it.

Robert. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. No. No, no, that's my, how do you know my signature? It's radio theater. That's worse than going to Slipknot with your son. He's not doing it, of course he's not. It's radio theater, thank you Jacob.

Thank you. Theater of the mind, and my mind is saying, that's a fine ass picture of the prophet Muhammad, my friend. If you did. He should be signing my name. Dude. I should really sign your name to it. Robert Kelly, good drawing.

Well, he did go to art school. I didn't. Sorry, I'm still trying to show you my uncle who looks just like Bin Laden. Nice. It would actually shock you guys. who looks just like Bin Laden. Nice. It would actually shock you guys. And he's Puerto Rican? Yeah.

Puerto Rican, Arab, kinda similar. Same beards now too. I always thought a guy wore one of those cities. Very similar. They have that underneath beard which is in with Puerto Ricans now. Very similar beards. Yeah, a couple of friends of mine

at the cigar lounge have that. They have the. I don't get that only on the, only neck hair. What do you mean, what don't you get? You think the mustache is it? It's not a good look to only have neck beard? Well, it's not a good look from 2000 on. It's a scary look.

Well, no, it was cool before. No, probably somewhere. Wow, you're really getting into detail, Jay. What did you put? The Prophet Muhammad by Robert Kelly? Sure, I can't believe Robert Kelly drew the Prophet Muhammad do you wanna he's done none of this Sure sure you gonna put your own flair on it. Oh, no the pens gone forever. We can never change it I did not see that happening. Oh

Thanks, Black Lou. Oh, thanks everybody else in the room. You guys did fantastic He's gonna change it you guys happy now. He's gonna change it What could you change it to that's less offensive? I'm just making my name big J's name You know, can we do a let's do a bonfire? Like wine and painting thing, but everyone's gotta do Prophet Muhammad like wine and painting thing, but everyone's gotta do Prophet Muhammad. That's so funny. Just get ripped up on red wine and cheese

and just be like, I don't know. I think he's got a big old dick. I bet he's got a big old honker. I'm gonna do whatever I want. Art's a playground. You're really testing every Satan, the Prophet Muhammad. Yeah, you really wanna die. Satan's here, everybody.

I don't know if you hear him. He lives in the headphones now. Hang on. Let's see if he's still here. Satan, if you're here, let us hear you. Bag it. No. No.

No. I guess those other guys didn't catch him. That ghost is still on the run. That's so fucked up. No. You could literally just say it's a picture of Ari Shafir from two years ago. That's so fucked up. You could literally just say it's a picture of Ari Shafir from two years ago. That's what I'm gonna say.

Yes, that's what it is. I've caught a ghost in a video before too. I've seen a ghost in a video from a comedy club. Look in the background, tell me that's not a ghost. This was at Impractical Jokers and their offices and a woman walks by me when it zooms in and out. No clue who she is but I didn't edit this and tell me this doesn't scare you. Right here, about to zoom.

I mean, you're really just trying to show me how you nailed that Rubik's Cube. Look behind me, did you see that? Ooh. Yeah, that's definitely an editing thing for sure. I didn't, this is my video. You edited it yourself? This is my video, yeah.

That was taken on my phone. That's pretty weird. Let me see. It's pretty weird, but there's an explanation. Is it gonna be Louis' clock? No, no, no, when it zooms in and out, watch behind me, there's a one. That's bullshit.

I swear to God, that's a real video. There's a good explanation. That's a real video. I took that on my phone and then posted it, and then someone after I posted it was like, who's in the background? And then I noticed. There was no one edited that.

That's some, oh. Kim has a, she's haunted by a photo bomber. That's some dumb producer over there. Okay, it looks like a ghost. Sal Vulcano, if you ask me. Why did ghost? Sal said there was no one in the office, it was a small office,

there was no one in the office that looked like that. Why do ghosts always have to have ghost clothes? I don't know, she does have ghost clothes. She does have ghost clothes on. She's very ghosty clothing. Why do they always have to have ghost clothes? I don't know. She does have ghost clothes. She does have ghost clothes on. It's very ghosty clothing. Why do they always have to wear... When you die, you have to put the wardrobe on? Yeah, they have to have chains dragging or something.

Yeah, that's such bullshit. It's not bullshit, it's real. Guys, we're so close to meeting my daughter's black boyfriend. Oh my God, are you nervous? Six foot five. Should we bring up a spirit box and ask what happens? Oh, yeah. Christine, where's the spirit box? Is there a spirit box we can pull up and talk up a spirit box and ask what happens? Oh yeah, Christine, where's the spirit box? Is there a spirit box we can pull up and talk to a spirit?

Can we get a spirit box and see if the spirit knows his name? Because you haven't told us his name. This is how they do spirit boxes. Because I don't want people to try to backwards search them. This is how they actually do the spirit boxes. They just put a radio on the scanner, and they ask questions, and whatever words pop up, it's the message for you. So we could ask it about your, if we find the scanner.

I bet you there's an app. Oh yeah, what if it just comes up, bitches ain't shit, but hoes and tricks. Should we trust Isabella's new boyfriend? It's like. Hells no. Oh, me so horny, my hair so horny. Me love you long time.

That motherfucker's wrong. There's gonna be so much distracting stuff tonight. The stage chaos. This is real father who's dead. Bobby panicking. Nah, motherfucker. Bobby panicking about Max getting swept off into the world of slipknot.

Dude, Bobby, I'm telling you, if there's a wall of death. Run. There's not gonna be a wall of death, they don't do that. Stop freaking them out. They start splitting people up like this? Yeah, I'm gone. You see, it's what I do at Skankfest over here. Yeah, I'm not doing that.

You want your little baby boy to be smashed? I wouldn't do that at Skankfest. Of course you're not supposed to. I wouldn't either. I incite it. Yeah, that's nuts. No. A wall of death?

No. I'm not. A wall of death is nuts. Nate had the wall of death crash in on him. Yeah, but he has the power of Jesus to protect him. He does have the light of Christ. Nate who? Nate Bragazzi.

Bragazzi. He went up in the sky on the wall of death, crashed around over it, and he came back down. Can't touch me, man. Wow, wow. My dad's a magician and Jesus loves me. Yeah, more than meets the eye, buddy. Sleight of hand.

It's an illusion. All right, this is a spirit box. Spirit box. I wanna see this before we go. I know we have to get out of here soon. What? Flew by. Arana Spirit says, bless you John,

while cleaning the grave of a five year old girl. What? Did you hear her? Yeah, but where's the spirit box? It's behind the camera, I think. There's other ones where it shows the actual box, too. He's not aware because I would have ran, I would be on the opposite end of the state at this point.

That's what he does. He does like spirit boxes all day, and he goes and cleans their thing. Like he goes and. I don't care if you tell me it's fake. Maybe I'm crazy, but I will say, what I didn't like about that right there is I don't think children's grave headstones

are also smaller. The casket probably for sure, but you see how tiny, he's cleaning a little tiny headstone. Well, okay. Their names aren't smaller. Okay, put yourself in their position. Your kid passes away, you don't have a lot of money.

You could get a normal headstone or a goofy little one In half the price, what are you doing? The kids gone? Yeah, you're not gonna get a full-size casket. No Won't even be a memory more some you get annoyed with every time you trip on it in the yard This thing What is this Yeah, they do different celebrities in these. King Von. Yeah, the rapper. OK.

Watch, Devon, for coming through. Fuck you. Who is this that's here, Devon? I hear a woman's voice. I hear a woman's voice. That's the same reason I don't think aliens are a thing, Bobby. I don't think ghosts are a thing. You don't believe it. Because it would be all of the news.

It would be the only thing. No, no. We wouldn't have stopped talking about aliens since someone's seen one for real. Not if we're distracted, dude. at that distracted look at all the shit while you're here but you said in your room a hotel room by yourself right freak you out if that started happening or that video that video would mean nothing if you really know you bought a bought one of these spirit boxes and had it in your hotel room huh and you talked to it and started talking back that wouldn't

freak you out. Absolutely, but it will never, ever, ever happen. Can we get a spirit box in here? You guys should get a spirit box. We want to get the ghost of Opie and Anthony. Okay. And see if they will come through. Will they come back?

You guys should get Patrice to come through. Oh my God, that'd be funny. Patrice through the spirit box. Hey, motherfuckers. You're gonna have to make it a spirit juice box, but... We're gonna have to make it a you-gho. Yeah. the spirit box. Hey, motherfucker. You're gonna have to make it a spirit juice box, but. We're gonna have to make it a you-heel. Yeah. Spirit juice box.

Yo. Yeah, and we have Patrice is coming through this ecto cooler. Keith should be here too. Bitches ain't shit in heaven. Keith was supposed to be here. Where's Keith? Where's Keith? Voss is next.

Jim Norton, what the fuck happened? Oh, I know. We have to take breaks. Christine, get us a spirit box. We can get them on Amazon. Get one and we'll do... Are you coming back in for it? You have to be here. Oh yeah, please. We've already invited Satan into the studio.

Yeah, but we need her Puerto Rican mojo to be in here, along with Christine's witchery. I don't know where to find this spirit box, and that seems like the good one. That's a Bluetooth speaker hooked up to a phone. With Christmas lights. Yeah, there it goes. Black Lou, can you please stop throwing metal shavings at Maggie's chest and seeing if it sticks to the magnets?

It's not how it works, dude. Have some class. Kim Kongden's special childless milf is streaming now on YouTube. You can find her podcast, class Kim Kongden special childless milk is streaming now on YouTube you can find her podcast the Kim Kongden takeover wherever you listen to podcast you're gonna see her all over Skankfest so excited coming up soon everybody's can't guess what has happened what'd you do I almost handed your drawing of Irish your fear to one of the girls and Jacob went give it to me He just stuck it. He ate it and then stuck it in his butt and shit it out Jacob you have

Fucking all kinds of Nazi propaganda literature your house big J is gonna be in the funny bone August 23rd in Albany in the 24th at Empire Comedy Club Portland, Maine August 30th and 31st after that is gonna be a Dallas, Omaha, Skankfest, Tickets and all of the tour dates, BigJComedy.com. I'm gonna be a Sunday night, Saturday night. Saturday night you're gonna be in Providence. Two shows. Two shows one night August 17th this Saturday. Robert Kelly at the Comedy Connection in Providence. Stand Up Live, Phoenix after that September 6th and 7th and then Hilarities in Cleveland September 20th or 21st.

He is working this summer. After that, he's gonna be at Skank Fest, co-host New York and San Diego, and every Tuesday night at the Fat Black Pussycat Lounge at the Comedy Seller. Punchup.live slash Robert Kelly, nice. Is that how he just dresses too? No, that was Halloween 2001.

So you just can't pull it off. One month later? That was my dad. Your family's savage, dude. Halloween 2001. So you just can't pull it off? One month later? That was my dad. Your family's savage dude. Halloween 2001. Um, it's the Bonfires. How spot-on is that?