The Bonfire with Big Jay Oakerson and Robert Kelly - Zombie Paintball

Episode Date: April 15, 2025

Most of the Bonfire crew broadcasts live from the SXM Nashville studios. Black Lou and Jacob are on Zoom and one of them is furious because his microphone sounds like a transmission from the moon. Kelly Clarkson sings The Outfield and her wink at the crowd sends Bob into a tizzy. Bobby goes into the woods to play paintball with his son and friends and it turns into a zombie apocalypse. *To hear the full show to go www.siriusxm.com/bonfire to learn more FOLLOW THE CREW ON SOCIAL MEDIA: @thebonfiresxm @louisjohnson @christinemevans @bigjayoakerson @robertkellylive @louwitzkee @jjbwolfSubscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of The Bonfire ad-free and a whole week early.  Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.

And now the bonfire with Big Jay Okerson and Robert Kelly live from the Sirius XM studios in Nashville. That's Wade by White Lines going out to Laura Bargatze. Sitting home I know you're out there lonely girl. Single mother working things out. Single. Or queen to the Nashville royalty. That's queen to the. Nate Bargatze and Laura Bargatze. Queen to the comedy throne of Nashville.

Oh my God. How many Nates did we see on the way over here? So many Nates. Oh yeah. Nate Face? Yeah, this place. Yeah, that's what happens if you live in Nashville long enough It's a sleepy enough town that eventually you develop Nate face Nate face just a just a trim as it goes

Gray beard trim nice neat nice and neat Yeah, nice neat haircut little gray a little bit of gray looks and just well put together tight Well put together some tight pants. Yeah tight shirt Type it's like tailored almost yeah almost yeah way or tight way maybe tight so funny that Nate doesn't give a shit about music at all and Lars into like hardcore hair metal generation shit so weird way good tune though. What's wrong Bob? Those headphones suck. Yeah, suck on that Nashville Studios.

No, these headphones are fantastic. Your headphones bite cock. Oh, your headphones. These are the Sony ones. These ones are the, you know, the fucking... The Bobba Guggles? Yeah, I just, I got a podcast equipment. I'm starting a podcast with my dad about history. Anyways. I thought you were going to tell me a real thing. No, these are great headphones

what's up buddy what's up we are in Nashville me we're but we should do accents the whole time I'll be Bucky I'll be Bucky let's get it like that man you know voices how you doing will be such sluts tonight let's just get shorts cowboy boots and go be sluts tonight, dude Huh, but we'll wear it. We'll have accents that aren't real. I'm Becky Sue and this is Sue Becky Which one you want to be? I want Sue Becky's heavier. I'll be Sue Becky. Oh, I like the B Sue Becky, where's your accent though? What you gonna talk like Sue Becky? I like it You know talking right here girl

You look like a nasty Southern girl cuz you got your hair all spiked up a red in it and tattoos up your arm I'm a little stinker. I don't give a shit. I love nut. I love men's nut You turned your back on God when you were young girl. That's right. I got a fucking finger tattoo and I love nut We got an Airbnb that is lovely the owner of the Airbnb is super stoked on Lainey Wilson though. There's murals of her all over the apartment. Lainey Wilson, if you don't know, is the pear-shaped, very attractive country singer. But she is a tiny up top,

it looks like she's standing on a horse body, like a centaur of sorts. Yeah. Isn't it weird how weight, when you eat, it just goes, it doesn't go evenly? Some people. You know? Yeah, some people it just goes right to your tukish.

It went right to her tukish. She got a fat ass, but it's great. But the owner of this Airbnb is super stoked on her. Her records are everywhere. Murals on the wall, lined with guitars. Now, we are in an apartment building. She's got a big butt, man. She has a fat dumper.

I kinda like it. Christine? I'm not into fat dumpers, but I don't mind that one. Christine, Lainey Wilson. Woof! That's a big butt, but one on the right is when she probably was coming up, didn't make it. The one on the left is, I've been on a tour bus

for four years, making it. The one on the left is, I've been on a tour bus for four years making it. Yeah, somebody, but someone's definitely caught this girl at least bikini. Come on, Christine, come through. Do the right thing. I don't think so, bud. Earn your plane ticket. I don't think you're gonna find her in a bikini.

Why? Maybe a one-piece. Jewel, they got jewel in bikinis. Jewel's smoking hot and she's a dirtball that lives in her car. But she came out of just wearing a fucking cowboy hat and singing Eskimo songs, remember? Yeah I remember. You're like, hee-hoo. No, another burka-durka. There you go. Wayne Wilson, dude, look at her. Oh wow. She's tancy actually. I was wrong. That's her in high school. Nope. That's not her now. Sure it is. No it is not. Christine. No way. Tell me it's her before she that's her in high school. Nope. That's not her now sure it is. No, it is not

Christine no way. Tell me it's her right now. That is not her That is an old picture of her back in the day before she made it When she was at some you don't believe any pictures Do you think this is AI too just cuz we all happen to get fooled nobody did that by the down so it was you only You you brought us all into that help and now I can't get out of the hell, because it's all over my algorithm now. What, hot Down Syndrome chips? That's all I'm looking at now.

This hot AI, it's not even real. Lucky you, dude. No, it's not lucky me, I don't want it. Look at this digital clock. Look at this clock that I don't have to look at and do math. This studio is so. Why is the New York studios not good? And you know what they do?

They don't even tell you that they have cameras in here. They go, there's no cameras, don't even get used to that. Instead of having cameras, don't work. At least you know what you're getting in here. Yeah, but what about the mic? Everything is clean and nice and the, I mean, nothing. Once or twice a show, some board falls on my shin from the desk, and I have to hold it

the whole show with my leg. Look how much Lou's loving this. Yeah, no noise. How crazy is that? Look, I'm moving my microphone too, and there's nothing. Holy shit. It's a dream. Do whatever you want in here.

Oh man. Oh my god. This is really good for my aggressive mic grabbing rants I go on. Spread it out. Bobby! You see how I lean in? I go, Bobby. Just scared me. Come on.

What are you doing right now? Can't yell at me like that. The board of education is a sham. Oh, come on, dude. We have to end that. You're bringing me back to my school. Come whack me on the head. I'll throw a chair across the room.

I'm not stupid. That is not her now. She's hot. That's a she's. Christine, when is that from? Okay, well we've amped up more thin-ass era There's a year under it it's old it's old what's the sand of the post he's never gonna give up unless you find facts You know that Lainey Wilson used to be and then she started Ozempic. Is that what happened?

Yes, those those skinny photos are more recent. But are you saying you know for And then she started Ozempic. Is that what happened? Yes, those skinny photos are more recent. But are you saying, you know for a fact she's Ozempic? She's not saying it, but that's what everybody's saying. She's lost weight and so people are saying, okay, so probably is Ozempic. Because she was, I will say, Bobby and Fanner's, you're just wrong that this is more current. I'm gonna say something real quick.

In Yellowstone, yes. I'm sorry. Oh, apologize. You don't have to be apologized. I want to though, because I want you to do it in the future You don't have to always apologize if I've done something wrong, but I'm gonna do it like this buddy. I'm really sorry okay, okay? Accepted This is more current because she's lost weight so the ass is going away. I'll tell you what feels good

No, this is 2018. God damn it I'm sorry. Thank you very much. Thank you very much respectfully Lou Wrong. Seven years ago this picture is. Hi Lou by the way Jacob are you there? I'm here. Hey why do you sound like you're not here? Jacob what are you on walkie-talkie? Why does Lou sound fantastic like he's in the studio? This was Big Jim approved. This was? Is that true? What are you, are you talking through a coffee can? Lou sounds like he's in the room with us. Nice talking to you, Jacob.

Listen, the thing is. Jacob, take the little thin can and yell to me please. You can't hear me. Yeah, we can hear you, but it sounds like, you sound like you're Apollo 13. Jacob, what does the horizon look like? You know why? Cause he's talking on that stupid Florida microphone he has.

He went down. What is that microphone? Your microphone should light up. The fuck is it? A lava lamp you're talking into? Yeah, why are you a 13 year old girl with a TikTok right now? I just got this mic.

Yeah, that mic. Jacob, you gotta go get some good equipment, dude. Buddy, the mic shouldn't light up. You work in radio. You have a microphone that has a light on it that actually flickers when it hears things. It's bat shit. Jacob, you have to get good equipment.

You work in radio and you don't like doing it in studio. You want to do it from your mom's house in Florida. You have to have good equipment. Didn't we all get Motus at one point? Everybody had a Motu at one point. Where's the Motu, Jacob? What's a Motu? It's a USB XLR adapter.

Jacob, are you enjoying your freeze-dried ice cream, Jacob? Do you miss your family out there? will get you hold on I promise? We're sending a rescue ship up to get you now. We're gonna need you to do some calculations Jacob hang on someone I think the Klingons are intercepting our circus Jacob you make it to the transport room? He just left. I love that we bullied him in the evening. He left the show. I hope he leaves for the rest of the show.

I hope we bully him right out. Wow. Lou, wow, he really just left. He just gave up. I've never seen a grown man quit so easy. Look at Lou's wacky monitor. It's crazy, he goes across his whole desk. Mm, I like it.

This guy's prepared. He's prepared to do some home broadcasts. Let's hug. Goody, sounds like he's in the studio. Lil, what's going on, buddy? Two quick things. Wow. Thank you for loving my monitor.

Love it. It's a 46 inch Samsung. As you should have a big monitor, you get it? Nice. In case you gotta edit your own dick pics. Yeah. Yes. Yes.

And Christine, they are too. Come on, guys, I was so satisfied with that joke. It was good. It was good. It was good. There are two articles in the chat, Christine about Laney Wilson losing weight. Fat ass. Lou, is that monitor split in two?

Yeah, you can split it in two. Watch TV, play your game at the same time. With the right girl you can split it in two. Why is that? I have to get a good podcast set up soon, so I'm wondering if that's a good monitor for me to have. You should have Lou do your set up. Lou knows all about it.

Black Lou? Yeah. Well, both of them. I mean, but he does, that set up at his house is pretty sick, and he's way into tech. Right, Lou? I love it. Yeah, you should have a set up.

Yes, sir. Just gotta figure out a desk and some cameras and shit. I gotta get it all going. But yeah, Lou's got a good setup. For some reason, Jacob goes down there with a fuckin', forgot, a CB radio or something. He went to Best Buy before the show and bought the on sale microphone.

Yeah, that's crazy. That was an impulse purchase. It lights up, whatever song you're playing, it goes to the beat. And why would you get the microphone with the light? Why are you trying to eyes? You know say Jacob's getting a little big for his britches And he's trying to really impose his will on the show I think getting a light-up microphone is that's a little bit of flash for a background singer. I think you know why he did it cuz Jacob

Likes guys Jacob likes guys that's clear the answer Jacob likes guys. Jacob likes guys, that's clearly the answer. Jacob likes guys. Right now you think he's angrily unplugging that stupid microphone? Jacob loves guys. Oh, Christine. Jacob loves guys. Ooh, Jacob loves guys. Jacob loves guys. Christine. I love all of this. Jacob loves guys. Jacob loves guys.

Christie, I fucking love all of this. I love you have different versions of it. I love all of that. You wanna hear Kelly Clarkson's version? Oh, please. Jacob loves guys. That's a very special episode when Jacob falls in love. With a guy.

When Tim leaves, when Butterly leaves to go to the last day in New York. And he finds love one more time? And he finds love one more time at the Radisson Hotel in Times Square And that's him leaving It's Jacob sitting in the window of the hotel then he gets up and goes to the gym he's got to move on Gets his mojo back in the window of the hotel. Then he gets up and goes to the gym. He's gotta move on. Gets his mojo back. Does it sound like Kelly Clarkson a little? Little bit.

A lot of it. I got Kelly Clarkson nudes. Nudes? Send them over, dude? No, I would never do- Not when she was fat. First of all, if I had nudes with Kelly, I would not, I'm sorry, I would never show them to you.

You'd show me. I'd show you Dawn's nudes before I show Kelly's nudes. You'd show me her nudes. Kelly, I would not, I'm sorry, I would never show them to you. You'd show me. I'd show you Dawn's nudes before I show Kelly's nudes. You'd show me her nudes. No, I wouldn't. I have more respect for Kelly than that. I would show you Dawn's nudes. If I get, if I get, if I, I don't have any nudes, you don't wanna see those, dude.

Why not? You don't wanna see that, dude. No. No. I'll give you the poses I want. God, you're good. You write it down, I'll put her in the most, she's sleeping. I swear to God. I want you write it down. I'll put her in the most you sleep

I swear to God she's wakes up with her cheeks or cheeks in the bed like those if you promise not to show them to anybody I will do it keep them in your phone. You just show them to me. I want to enjoy them with you Yeah, I'll do it. I'll get you reinvigorated for your own wife again. Yeah, great. I'll pull a hammy while I'm trying to do it Oh also Christine if you wouldn't mind bringing up on the screen, at some point, we're gonna have to play the America's best new hit song that you sent me on TikTok or sent me on a thing. Are we allowed to play that? You can't play that. Why? You can't play that.

Why not? The one that she sent that was catchy as hell and I couldn't sing in public? Of course. Yeah. Okay. Why couldn't we play that? I don't understand. I don't know. That couldn't we play that? I don't understand.

I don't know. That doesn't make any sense. I don't know. Can they not play TV shows on FX channel or? I don't know. I mean like, this is crazy. I might not be remembering the song correctly. Oh no, no, no.

No, you are. Okay, well, I mean. Listen. Don't sing along. Like I said one time. You cannot sing along. One time when I was here doing a show at Zany's and I did a very bad joke

and they didn't laugh and I went, what are we in the Bible Belt? And the lady went, you're on the buckle. Oh jeez, I like that, it's a great line. You're on the buckle, I was like, oh right then. Christine, send to yourself while we read this, make this Lainey Wilson thing bigger though. Weight loss surgery.

She got me. Only lunatics would do with the. Hey, hey, hey, hey. No, no, no. Now because of ozempic and stuff. No, no, no, no. There's a lot of people out there that are bariatric. Not still.

Yes. No. Yes. Why would you try that still? Don't shame. First thing. Don't you shame another fat person out of that. I'm not shaming you at all, I wouldn't.

Some people don't wanna inject their stomachs twice a week. That's fair. And throw up and feel disgusting. That's fair. Yeah. And some of us wanna keep our insides our insides and not shoot black jizz for two weeks. I was showing somebody,

I was showing, oh Rosebud Baker was on my podcast and I was telling her, what are you doing? And I showed her the photo. And I was. Black jizz. Buddy, it's like I showed her a decapitated baby. She screamed. Yeah. Yeah, it was nerve-racking.

She does look, this is not how she looked on Yellowstone. The middle maybe. No, maybe to the right maybe. No, I'm telling you, no. She was actually substantially heavier in Yellowstone. Look up Lainey Wilson in Yellowstone. I like her. Well, she's fucking hot as shit.

She's hot. Yeah, she's very hot. She was hot as shit, chubby in Yellowstone. It was just, she was chubby. I didn't think it was gonna be a real star. And then she was so good playing that I was like, doesn't look like she's lip-syncing. You know, you can kind of tell when that's happening. Yeah.

When it's like not even them singing. But that was definitely her. And then I looked it up and I was like, oh yeah, it is a country star. I didn't know before that. Did you know that Righteous Gemstones, that she sings those? The daughter sings the songs?

Who? The daughter in Righteous Gemstones. The actual daughter. When she sings, that's her singing. Oh really? No, I just made that up. Okay. Yeah. I mean, come on. Look at that thumper. Yeah, I just made that up. Okay. Yeah.

I mean, come on. Look at that thumper. Yeah, I like it. I like it. Yeah. Look at it. Jesus Christ. That's not the same build that she has currently now.

No. Look at her. Man. All of it. All her food went to her legs. Absolutely. Her moose knuckle is just swallowing up those fucking lame pants.

You know how tight? I was talking to Yamanika about chubby girls. Yeah. She was saying that the, dare I say pussy. Dare you say. Vagina, stink wrinkle, is tighter down there when you're fatter. Cause no one fucks you.

She's right. No, I don't think that's. Yamanika nails it again. I don't know if that was it. It's easier for your pussy to stay tight when no one can reach it or fuck it. That reach. All the fat pushes it.

Gotta get through a lot before you hit pussy hole. I think it's because the fat mushes it together. Yeah. It's under a lot more pressure like a submarine. Absolutely, it's a diamond. Yeah, it's like a sub in the marina trench The posses have collapsed under the weight like the Titanic submersible Yeah, she's adorable man. She was cute here, and here's the thing here's will be nice

We just scoop her up when she's all fat-bottomed like that yeah, and you go now It doesn't matter she has a stunning face and still looks good in the bathing suit, but yeah, let's admit it, she's got some fucking the legs of a fat person. And now, she doesn't have that at all, and you'd be like, oh, but remember, I loved you when you were a pig, so you have to stay with me now.

Do you know what's amazing with girls, and it happens a lot, they don't get fat bellies. Like, as a guy, I would get a fat belly and thinner legs. You never really get fat. My legs never really got that fat. With girls, look... They're never fat. They're always carrying around a big fat body.

And so I have this meatball on toothpicks build that sucks shit so hard. Christine, I caught myself in a sitting, uh... a sitting profile today, and Bobby watched me through the glass, looked at myself through the glass, looking at myself in the mirror upset for minutes. I was sitting in the thing, eating my little barbecue

and I looked out and he was, I thought he was looking at me and then I realized he was looking at himself and then he started adjusting. He got to see what I see in a mirror. He got to see what I do in a mirror. I was like, come on dude, I'm like, that's, come on man. It was sad. He's giving himself pep talks and I was so sad. I was gonna go out and go hey, dude I see I can see you dude, please

Know that I can see new Bobby was right there. I was just more concerned with my big fat disgusting body You look good Correct you have marriage enough vampires you look good now. You both look fantastic. Christine, you look- I'll tell you what, that's not what the, the blur of flesh that I see, zip-by mirrors in our house, doesn't look good to me.

It's crazy, cause he's literally the weight that, for our relationship, this is the weight he's been saying he wants to get to, and I was like, this is where weight loss is really fucked up. Turns out it's still gross. Cause I've been, I I told him I've been 135 lire really tiny prove it shut up It was on my way up from crack, but I was a hundred

And I fucking thought that I had to lose 20 what a fat to one crack That's unfortunately you can't sneak crack into someone's system I'm trying to give Christine crack in her sleep at night. Christine was the fattest crack out of ever. 135. No, on my way back up. I was down to like 150. That's still a little chubby for crack. No, dude, you can't. You got to realize, and I said this to you, as fatties, you're never going to be happy

with yourself no matter what you do. I was talking to the Ethan Suppley, who was 700 pounds. Now he's like, you never ever, you're never gonna look at yourself and be like, I did it. Because Brad Pitt from Fight Club's body is out there in your head. That's why. And you'll never get there.

Right now, you look fantastic. And Christine, you look beautiful. And Lou, you can get on some work. You can get some work done, but listen Manjaro Lou Manjaro Lou Dude with a little manjaro Maybe a chin shaping and a nose job and something that puts your eyes closer together and makeup We could have little makeup on the cheeks. I just keep saying different things dude

You would look really good if we got you a full hair. yeah a beard ear fix face tattoo they do it fix your ears well fix your ears seriously I'm gonna take notes on all this buddy these don't even make sense we're gonna get your nostrils lengthened chin implant chin implant and upper lip filler and bottom lip thinner don't forget his elbows we're gonna fix his ash elbows on your ashy ass elbows mayonnaise on for a week yeah how to be and your middle back rolls the ones you don't even know you had until I told you right now that seemed impossible middle back rolls is it even possible yeah in the middle of your back just like in look like a

fucking sea creature buddy I'm so glad I lost don't check. You don't have them. I start checking his back No, I had I had the rolls in the back of my head the pack of hot dogs, buddy I had them so bad that little maxi would bite them as his He called them his what's that honey bun? No, what is that? The the store in the mall the honey bun? Cinnabon Cinnabon He would call it a cinnabon He goes dad Can I get a bite of the cinnabon and he would bite the back of my because it looked like a sit you let him Yeah, cuz it was adorable. It's not though. No, it wasn't it's a terrible thing. That's a core memory for him But I felt great when he went dad you took my cinnabon away

What's the is that just a stern joke but does or is that true that Elvis had something there was some gross thing on his mother that he would like suck on He would have to like he did something for his mother. That was gross like Yeah, yeah, right like he named him or something like that yes He named her moles and he would like there's something gross really stern was making fun of it one day But I think it's from a real thing right? But it was great. He was oh, yeah. He's my mama's It was something gross. Sterham was making fun of it one day, but I think it's from a real thing. Right. But it was great. He was like, oh, my mama's,

I don't know what he called it, I forget, so gross. Dude, so check this out. Kelly Clarkson, I am five steps closer to being her friend. Five steps, was it one move, jumped you five steps, or five things happened? I was talking to Rosebud about it. Baker. Rosebud. Baker. Baker. Rosebud Baker. Do was talking to Rosebud about it Baker Rosebud Baker Baker Rosebud Baker Do you need to say that?

Yeah, yeah, I'm just almost making the joke. You don't know any other rose buds No one's heard Rosebud his name since Citizen Kane dude. I I know three rose buds. Do you yeah? Rosebud Sullivan Rosebud Shamimi and Rosebud Devito. Oh, don't forget Rosebud Baker Oh, yeah, it's four you got so wrapped up trying so excited that you've thought of three fake blast names They you forgot you only had to come up with two He's so smart when the ball started rolling you got fucking tunnel vision and you started just saying names Oh, I almost forgot about Rosebud Wellington the third

Did she so we're on the thing. She films her show where? Rosebud? No, Kelly. Films her show? In the NBC studios. Where SNL happens, where Rosebud writes. Rosebud writes, guess who Rosebud's boss is?

Kelly Clarkson. No, Rosebud's boss is? Kelly Clarkson. No, Rosebud's boss is? Simon Cowell. No, Rosebud works at SNL, her boss. No, Michael's. No, yes but no. Rosebud's, she's a writer.

For the Peacock. For, no, not the Peacock. Michael Che, it's Michael Che. Oh, I don't know the Peacock's name. There's no name. The Peacock's name is Michael Che? They named the Peacock after Che. There's no name. The peacock's name is Michael Che? They named the peacock after Che. There's no name for the peacock, it's just the peacock.

Michael Che, we called Michael Che on speaker phone. She called him. I called him, he didn't pick up. She called him, he picked up. Oh my Lord. But I do have his number, it is his right number. That's good. That is good.

Called him and he said, I'll see what I can do. I said, I wanna meet her. He's like, you wanna go on the show? You just wanna go see the show? I go, I would love to go see the show. Christine, you're coming if I go. What? You don't wanna go.

I'm fine. You don't wanna go, do you wanna go? I'll go to Drew Barrymore that day. Buddy, that's not what I'm saying. I'd take you, but you'd make fun of it. Yeah. Yeah. You don't want me to do that?

You know what? You can come. You wanna go drink it in seriously? Yes. You wanna sit there, hands clasped on your lap while you just stare Kelly Clarkson while she sings a modern day version of some old song? Yeah, yeah. Or a Kelly Clarkson while she sings a modern day version of some old song. Yeah, yeah.

Or a Kelly Clarkson version of some song. What's the one you were playing today? Christine was so into it. That's good. The Outfield. She does a great cover. Your Love. She winks. So good.

She winks. She winks. And the wink, Christine, I don't know, you were so on the money with the wink, I watched it four times. Christine loves a wink. She watches the Kendrick Lamar thing over and over again because he winks at the camera. Do you know who doesn't like a wink?

The person getting winked at. No, Dane Cook. He doesn't like a wink? Did I ever tell you, it's from Nashville. Did I ever tell you the Dane Cook wink story? No. My first time ever coming to Nashville was coming to Zany's,

and the owner, um... Dorf. Dorfman, met him, I came in a day early. Dorfman, sweetest guy in the world, says to me and Frosty, hey I got tickets to the basketball game you wanna go. Yeah, let's go, what else we doing? We go to the game.

Memphis Grizzlies? Yeah, we just went to the game, cool, hung out, had a hot dog, great, fun. And we shot the shit, just hanging out, it was fun, really good time. And then the next day, we pull up in front of the hotel with DC, and Dorfman's coming out with the keys, and he sees me, but he's already,

we already had a night, so I rolled down my window, and he's like, hey, Bobby, what's up had a night. So I rolled down my window, and he's like, hey, Bobby, what's up, what's up, Dorf, how you doing? And then he looks at Dane, and he winks, he goes, what's up, Dane? And Dane was like, just didn't say anything. And we're sitting in the car, okay guys, here's the thing, blah, blah, blah,

all right, we'll see you guys later, see you later, Dane, see you later, Bobby, all right, bye. As we're pulling away, Dane is so angry, and nobody knows And then all he goes Fucking wink at me motherfucker You fucking wink who winks you don't wink at a fucking guy Probably get to hey, what's up and move buddy? Hey, I get a I get a little Wink fucking wink at me. I'm a goddamn headliner somebody was saying some of the things

I was saying I was like dude. I was trying to tell him look man. I went to the game. We know he's probably nervous You're the fucking dude. You know you get it wasn't it just it was a respectful wink Calm down Dane. It was a respectful wink relax No, it wasn't me. It was him. I don't fucking fucking thing I'm doing you have to somehow get in and break a rule. It wasn't me, dude It was Dorfman winked at you Yeah, I just realized I left I just realized I left drugs in our uber earlier Christine. No yeah God gave me a pot brownie. I just left it in an uber Was it what's wrong with that if a kid kid gets in that Uber and goes free brownie

and eats it? Yeah, well it's fucking, if a kid gets in that Uber and the parent lets him eat a fucking rogue brownie, he deserves to get wasted. Could you imagine this though? The driver goes, maybe I had a brownie back there, and he goes, yeah, go ahead, you can have it. If you let your kid eat a brownie from an Uber driver,

you're a fucking shit parent, and you deserve that kid to wind up in the hospital, or dead. Or dead. That's so harsh. All right, maybe I said hospital, and I lightly said or dead. I didn't say fucking dead.

But then I asked you to, by the way, you meant or dead, and you went, yeah. But it was a slight, it wasn't yeah, dead. It was more like. It wasn't hardcore, you're right. Yeah, yeah. That's fair. I mean, it wasn't yeah, dead, I said. It was more like. It wasn't hardcore, you're right. Yeah, yeah. Okay, that's fair. I mean, I don't mean it, but I do.

But you do. Yeah, not dead. You don't mean it though. No. But you mean it completely. I do. And utterly. So that was my first experience with the Dorf man.

You don't fucking wink at me, dude. It was so funny, next time I saw a Dorf, he winked at me. Oh, you were out of it. I told him. You were out of it. I loved it. You get dialed back to a wink. Is this it? Give me a little Kelly Clarkson. Damn, she looks good.

Wait for this wink. Look how thin those legs are now. This is the Kelly Clarkson Show, and Christine, this is Kelly karaoke you said, right? It's Kelly-oke. Whoa. All right, listen, I'm... You should know that.

I should, but I don't, but I'm also willing to learn. Did you see the video somebody made of me walking down the gauntlet? Yeah, they made all of us. It's so Black Lou look fucking I mean like it was him wait Mean black lose look like it was him black. So did mine. It did I moved it was great I can't move like that. No, no, I do man. I don't mean to say that. Why would I say that? I'm just saying Black Lou look like... No, I feel like here's the thing.

I'm also finding out, because we're sharing an Airbnb this week, Bobby and the crew have a lot of conversations that I'm not ready to. No, that's not true. Group meetings. Every Monday you're invited. Everybody is. We go over this stuff. No.

Yes. That meeting is, there's a meeting they meet with McClure and everything. No. That's not with Bobby. No. You have a meeting with Bobby every week that I'm not on. No, they have a meeting. Bobby scheduled a meeting with The Lose and Jacob

without us. No. It was not without you. Everybody was invited. No, I was not invited until I found out about it. Oh, great. And I was like, oh, you guys have a meeting without me? So now I'm left out because nobody wants to hang out Christine

No, it's so now it's what it is the boys club and now you guys think because I get my nails and by the way This is a dip manicure. I can't now that I'm getting dip manicures. You guys are like well then let the two bitches stay home You're dead. You're a dip. It looks nice. It doesn't look nice. It's strong. It's the gayest thing I've ever seen It's a stronger nail. I hate that you got a lighter pink. Yeah. It makes me sick. Why?

You got a pink that matches your bracelet beads. Mm-hmm. Yeah, it's a lighter pink, I feel like, though, at this time. Dude, listen, it's a meeting to go over all the lists for the week. I don't care. You don't, stop looking at your nails, just to see. You guys do what you want. Oh, God. I don't care. You know, I stopped looking at your nails. Just see you guys do you want?

Oh, I don't give a shit. Uh-huh. Oh, yeah, well Kelly Clarkson damn. She looks good Is it this she does look the best she's looked at oh, I don't but here's my thing you jump on her now Yeah, the issue is there's another fat coming. She's isn't her last fat I don't care if she's fat skinny. She's adorable at every stage No, no, no her cheeks grow out of her face. I love it. I want to bite him with no teeth Cinnabon Did you find out Christine by the way about Elvis's mom's moles There are like three articles that said there's nothing weird between them

And I just found one that says there is something we will just believe the one so I gonna go through that. I choose to believe the one that says what I want to hear Sure Did you guys know there's a bad boy that lives in someone's basement? You guys didn't read that in the newspaper The bad boy now and you didn't read a newspaper either He's a bad boy and he lives in the basement Christine bring up the headlines so Bobby can see there's a bad boy that lives in a basement. You brought it up like, you moved to Jersey and all of a sudden you get the paper delivered

like Tony Soprano. Christine, show Bobby the evidence that there's a bat boy, please. You can play this first. Did Jacob ever make it back with a better microphone? Apparently this is better now. No. No.

Not really. It's still not great. It's all right, we'll help you out. Don't get mad at us. Can you not get mad at us? Jacob, what's your oxygen meter say right now? I was told this is better. Jacob, look behind you. Is that a giant squid? Make it back. Make it back to the tube, Jacob.

Thrusters on full. Set photons. 35 percent. back to the tube Jacob thrusters on full set photons 35% blasted that's so much so much not better give up it's all right don't give that's a good idea just give up completely do not give up Jacob you keep trying to adjust that oh look at that. There's a Batboy, and he's escaped. He was found in a cave. That's actually, Norton and Nicky had a child. Holy shit.

That should be, if that's not a roast joke, what is? Well, Norton said he couldn't do it, but I guess his jizz worked enough to make this. Yeah, his jizz mixed with Nicky's poop. Made a bat baby that they keep in the basement. A bat boy? Oh, she gave birth to a bat boy, you didn't see? I wonder if his wife does that,

if he ever walks in and accidentally sees, she just left some fucking dude-sized logs. When I did their podcast. Like a three-coiler. They talked about poop on the, when they have sex, there's poop on the thing. There has to be. Yeah, I know I wish they were You're either gonna get food remnants from mouths or shit remnants from assholes

There's no choices of you know pull your helmet on a kidney bean skin is gonna be oh, sorry I believe it's called getting painted. I'm gonna throw up. What is poop on the dick after anal? It is where'd you hear that? gay tiktok, I think. You're on gay TikTok? Sometimes, I don't know. I remember the guy that I searched with a big muscly butt, so lately I've been getting some gay stuff.

Why would you be surprised that Christine's on gay TikTok? I'm not. Finger my ass, that's for love. That is for love. All right, let's see, now this wink, Christine told me about this wink. I watched it five times. It is the most meaningful wink I've ever seen.

It affects you. It's so effective. If this wink doesn't affect you and show you the power of Kelly Clarkson, you're not a human being. Go on. Her timing is really unreal. Because it's the second before I would do it,

you know what I mean? Because it came from her fucking heart. That's why. That's where she always comes from. I mean, it's extremely self-indulgent that she does a talk show and then she's the musical guest every day. I love it.

Why would you not do that? It's her thing. That's her talent. That's her talent. She's doing what she does. Great. It's like a real throwback to old timey shows. She's awesome. she does. Great. It's like a real throwback to like old timey shows. She's like Jack Benny.

I think she should take over Late Night. I think they should finally give a broader shot. Let me tell you why you're wrong and you should know this. I just saw something, somebody was on with her recently where you saw her getting like she is not leaned into like she would not like our comedy at all most look at Jesus I saw I forget what was went on I looked at a clip because it was somebody we either know or something was it was on Kelly Clarkson his cookbook promotion he just did on her maybe was that and

whoever else was on they said so it got like mildly racy and she was really pulling back from it. I'm gonna have to change my career path Well, she's a Bible belt right like she's from it's the buckle. I'm gonna change my I'm gonna say that I'm gonna change my yeah You should people say this is a Bible belt. I should be like this is the buckle. It's the buckle You gotta say buckle though. Yeah, I just thought of that. I'm gonna change my comment. My mind works great. My next album's gonna be Crystal Clean. That's what it's gonna be called. Squeaky Clean? Squeaky Clean Kelly.

I like that. You're gonna start going on Microsoft corporates? Yeah, I'm gonna start, I'm gonna squeaky clean Kelly. Oh, I like that. Hey Nate, help me, I need to open for you for a year. I'm gonna get it out. I don't know how you can come but you gotta stop fucking stools.

Just. You can't jizz on anything, you can't fuck nothing, you can't whack on nothing. Here's what you do. Just go to one of his shows, before he does a special, go watch his hour and just do that as a special before he has a chance to record it. That's fucking genius.

Thank you. And then when it comes out, I'll be like, dude, he stole my. And he'll be like, wow, dude, I said I'm gonna do one clean special. For Kelly. And this guy figures that there's no crossover, so he's gonna come in and steal my shit. That's fucked up. That's a good idea, I'm gonna get one clean special for Kelly and this guy figures that there's no crossover So he's gonna come in and steal my shit. That's fucked up. It's good idea

I'm gonna get on it. That's messed up is what you would say to kill I would say fucked up and say messed up jacked up. I could say jacked. I could make it implies I say messed mess. I'm learning dude messed up messed up. I screwed up. Nope. I screwed the pooch Nope, cuz it's screwing. Yes. It's it's there's too much. There's too many places to go with that bad You know, I mean Okay, I really messed this one up. Yeah, I'd watch I watched it. I botched it. I jinxed it No jinx is bad luck Muffed a muff. No, that's pussy. No, no, no muff. No, no muffing isn't a muff but muffed is fine

It's a football. it's a sports term. No, it's not good. Muffy, muff, it's just, think a puss. I'm not gonna fight with you on this, because I've tried, I've drawn some weird lines too. Yeah. Can we watch this wink, the wink that I've heard about for 30 minutes?

This wink better mean a lot. Let's go wink. ["Vacation Fire away"] Paws it. Let me tell you what I'm always impressed by with her. This is positive. Yeah. That's gonna mean a lot. Let's go wait. ["Fighting For The World"] Pause it. Let me tell you what I'm always impressed by with her. This is positive. Damn.

I mean, you're ready to pounce. I'm sorry, dude. I apologize. You know I'm very protective. Hey, look it. I'm protective of you like this too. If someone says, fucking J, I'm like, what? And he's like, I love his work.

I love it. Okay, good. Every time I watch her, I don't watch her sing too much, but the things that I have watched and been impressed, she always starts so high that I'm like, I go, I always think she's made a mistake. I go, she's made a mistake.

She can't go higher, because it's gonna hurt to go higher than this. Please, start it over again. That Josie was too high in my eyes, but she's always, she never lets me down. She never lets me down Play it again play it again It is so subtle and sexy and commanding. I think it was a blink and one of her eyelids isn't working.

You're an asshole, you're an asshole. Don't even do it, don't do it. Seriously, Jay, don't do it. That's, no don't do it. Go back to the wink. She talks about the wink afterwards with somebody that was on her show. Do not do this.

Yeah, cause that girl brought it up and she admits that it was, she goes, yeah, I was on purpose. Everybody not do this yeah cuz that girl brought it up Yeah, she admits that it was she goes yeah I was on purpose everybody brought it up because it's one of the most amazing things ever done on stage Give me the wink again go She blinks before it maybe that's what you're thinking, but then the winks deliberate No, I think she is going to blink twice and her eyelash catches on her bangs. You're an ass. It's a wink, baby. It's good timing of where the song is too. It's such good timing, man.

And the timing on the line is so... Can we watch it again? Can we watch it one more time? One more time. I mean, that song, this song makes me feel so. It made like as I was getting older, it made me feel so good about myself just to hear that line. Yeah, that didn't do any that did nothing. I want nothing to do with that. But the wink I do like I want whatever that women stuff.

You're saying you wouldn't take 40 year old Kelly Clarkson over I would take anybody. I would take 62 year old Clarkson over anybody. What? You hurt me. You wouldn't though. With her money, yes I would. Oh okay. I'm not taking old Kelly with no money. Alright, let Bobby finish. Play the wink again so we can finish.

Oh thanks. And then I want to hear her do a chorus. I'm on a vacation far away Come around and talk it over So many things that I wanna say You know I like my girls a little bit older I just wanna use your love tonight I don't wanna lose your love tonight Who are fucking uh, Bill Dutch and the Day Players, that band is wacky. Nobody there is friends. Yeah, I know.

Nobody knows anybody. I'm not doing anything for you. Spilling up, but keep it under cover Look at her adorable. Yeah, who's arguing? She hires a band of miscreants and virgins so no one tries to fuck her Yeah, I have black I might be digging it out no No. Turnin' my mind's not makin' sense What song did she do on the... Was it the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?

Yeah, you know what it was. I wanna know what Love is. Yeah, so good. The lyrics are so good. No one pays attention to it. It's just...I love... One Night Stand. Such a fucked up song. Get out. Get in, get out. The lyrics are, my chick's gone, come over and fuck. Fucks her, and then she's like, hang on,

he goes, hey, beat it. Yeah. I'm not your shoulder to cry on. I hope she sings it to me. I'll come over and beat it. I'll come over and she can kick me out of her. Please let me be here forever. No, no.

Or as Meg Thee Stallion would say, damn, he probably wanna wear my hoodie. I'll be so much better to you than Josie. I'll be so much better to you than Josie. I'll be so much better to you than Josie. I was so scared I got my heart broken in a marriage. I ruined everything for her. She dumped me. So adorable.

Man, do I love her. She sings great. Yeah. Yeah. We know all that extra oomph in her body now. was there ever anyone like as special as her on American Idol ever I get was Carrie Underwood American Idol. Yep. Yeah. Yeah, she was great. She still is what talent wise you mean Yeah, I don't know who's a superstar out. I like don't know when people are from the archery's had a fucking career Don't you know the whole career? I don't it's not my thing at all, but people Daughtry around they like Daughtry. She's had a big

career. We can say some. Who Jennifer Hudson was American Ronson. Oh Jay HUD. Yeah she kind of fell. She hasn't been around a minute. Talk show. Jennifer Hudson. Oh yeah she's got she's the one that does the gauntlet. I don't even you know what that's so funny. I've never seen the talk show part of it, I've only seen the gauntlet. The gauntlet, that's so funny. The gauntlet is the only thing I saw, that's what.

Oh Bobby, look, the Bat-child's been found in a cave. You don't read the same news as me. Oh, I guess our algorithms are different. Yeah, our algorithms are definitely different. But there's a Bat-boy he's found in a cave, two miles underground. Dude, I had something happen to me this weekend, and I, I, they really fucked me up, dude.

This is hard for you, I know. It was really bad, I just, as a man, you think that you're, you think you're certain, you know what I mean? I feel like in certain situations I would be useful and I knew what I would do. And I found out this weekend that I'm just a piece of shit that you can't rely on.

I'm not really a man, dude. You know, I have all these guns, I live in the woods. I- Are you a pansy, you're saying? Buddy, I'm not a pansy, I'm just... I don't think you're a pansy. But you called me this weekend, and we held off on the story. You didn't tell me, I know what you did.

I don't know what happened, but I will say, I told you not to tell me, because you were genuinely shell-shocked. And I said, I can tell by your energy already that you're not gonna feel better about this by the time we're on the show. So save it and tell me on the show your energy already that you're not gonna feel better about this by the time we're on the show. So save it and tell me on the show

because I know you're, whatever this was got you gloomy, but you're questioning your manhood, your husbandship and your fatherhood. Buddy, you ever get in a fight and you lose and you're like, wow, I thought I was gonna win. And then you realize that you're not as tough as you think you are. Yes.

Yeah, well, try doing that with life. Every aspect of life, I wasn't, I'm not as good as I thought I was. I'll tell us all in one day. But Dawn, Dawn, first of all, Dawn, I don't know what's up with her, but she. Good naked pictures. Not yet.

Oh. She's trying to, she was trying to find stuff for me to do, you know? Mm-hmm. And she says to me, all right, there's this thing, last year we took Max to Paintball, Liberty Paintball, up in, up where we live. And we went in, all his friends,

but they were the little guns. And it was all his friends. We owned the course, around 15 kids. I drove them all up there in a van. I rented this big van. We took them all up, and they're all 10-year-olds, nine-year-olds in his class, and all his friends. And they went up to the paintball thing,

and they had a blast. But they were smaller guns, less powerful. Everybody had a blast. So Don says to me, hey, next weekend, there's a zombie apocalypse paintball thing up at Liberty. Maybe you and Max, his friend Marcus and his father from Jiu Jitsu, maybe you guys could go. And I'm like, I don't know, I don't, what is it?

She's like, it's like the zombies fight the humans and it looks like a lot of fun. So I'm like, I don't know. Soon as she's pressured. What day of the week was this? This was probably Monday or Sunday, she tells me about this. Now what day was it signed up for?

This was on Sunday, to go Sunday morning. All right, I spoke to you afterwards. Sunday morning at 830. Why does she want you out of the house that time of day? Well, I don't know. She wanted the house empty for some reason. Well, we had to leave at seven because we had to get there early to get.

And she knows all that. Why does she want you out of that house Sunday morning? What could it be? I don't know, maybe. You think she flashes the gardener? There's no gardener on Sunday. You think she just flashes neighbors? I don't know, I don't know.

You think she's press-tam the neighbors? You think she's fucking putting? I don't know. I don't know. You think she's press-tam the neighbors? You think she's fucking putting ass right to the window? I don't think so, because we don't have windows on the side of the house. No? No, they're just in the front and the back. Just in case, when you go home, put a little baby powder on the window, see if it has ass and cooch prints.

See if there's one tit and a small nipple, and then a small tit with a big nipple. Yes. Check. It looks like an alien's face. Dust for tit prints 10 prints for tit prints looks like a retarded kid's face It's dawns tits. Yeah, I think it's a guy with a stroke buddy. We go up there We gotta go up there so early we get up there first of all as soon as we get up there it is Professional army guys, professional paintball.

It's like these are all pros. Are they rappelling down walls type shit? Dude, a guy walked by me in a full ghillie suit. Okay. With a sniper rifle paintball gun. Wow. That must have cost like 10 grand. Did it have the?

Tripods, yes. Yeah. Yes, yeah, dude, we have to go in and rent the equipment from these people. I don't know, so I have to rent just shitty guns. Is that what airsoft is? Is that a paintball one? No, airsoft is, airsoft, this is paintball.

Airsoft is little balls and plastic balls. Okay. So dude, I'm kinda looking around waiting for, you know, other people like us who are renting. So it's me, Max, and his friend, same age, and the father. Jujitsu guy. No, he's a musician.

He's a professional musician. So he's a pussy, too. Dude, he goes, listen, bro, I say to him, look, as long as I don't get my face, because I got to go do shows. And a money maker. And then he goes, dude, I got gigs. I got to protect my fingers, that's it.

He's a guitar player, bass player, drummer. I go, yeah, we're fine, we're fine. It's gonna be a fun day. Everybody keeps saying it's gonna be fun. So we buy all the gear. First of all, I gotta get a jumpsuit, one of those Josh suits. That I can't, there's no-

Flight suit. One piece coveralls. no suit that fits me. It's just not. So I have to sit there in the middle of everybody trying on three different sizes till I go to the size that the legs have three feet of extra feet lengthwise because that's the only fat size that fits me even now.

Anytime I joined organized basketball even, they would go, hey everyone, where's this T-shirt? Here's the biggest one we got. And then I'd do the one we did at the Chelsea Piers. I cut the sleeves off the shirt and cut the shirt straight down the side and safety pinned it to my shirt. Jesus.

I safety pinned it just like so it just was, I just made it on top of my shirt. I just pinned like the logo on it. that's fat that's so that's dude I just I had to leave my zipper open oh so I just had my chest out very and and no tank top I had no I had my t-shirt on okay and I could only zip it up to my belly button and it wouldn't go any further the largest one they had and I was like you don't have a bigger one? He said, that's it, buddy.

And he looked at me like sad, like he felt bad for me. And he's been there before. And then we get all this gun stuff. We get the mask, we get all this stuff, 400, 500 bucks when I'm done. I buy balls, I'm going to buy the paintballs, a case of them. I get the kids on, 500 bucks. We're sitting there, we're loading up. As we're loading up, people are getting out of

these cars with, this one guy had an M60, like, they have real guns, with these beautiful covers over the barrels and over the paintball thing, and they all had like logos from like sponsors, you know what I mean? Like Fox? Yeah, they're all sponsored by companies And then there's me max Marcus and Eric who are wearing Just shitty old that don't fit that don't fit fatigue jumpsuits mercenaries with terrible fucking guns and Buddy you're the face man

So then they give us this big thing and they're getting generals and I'm starting to get a little nervous God Jim say you want to hang out with us God this guy keeps walking back and forth I see you dude just comes come in say hi you smooth the people this way can move down here He's right. Yeah, no awesome. Jim would be down here Dominate fucking they're gonna, he came from the big city. This guy knows big city radio. Did you see his watch? That's a man's watch.

So dude, they take us, we're the zombies. So they take us, you know, usually fight, you start here, and you, right on the other side of the field, and you go and meet. Buddy, this is like a real, they took us out into the woods, like a 20-minute walk into the woods, and it's through mud, it's raining,

the kids, by the time we get there, they're like, dude, dad, what are we doing? I'm like, just, you know, it's cool. As soon as we get to the spot where they yell, go! Like, 100 guys just appear on the ridgeline. We're at the bottom of this hill. And there's a ridgeline at the top. And you see these shadows of men appear like real war.

And fing, fing, fing, they just start flying by your head. My whole glasses got fogged up. I couldn't see a thing. I just hit the ground Max Max starts going just jump the ground panics I couldn't see I could I could only see far I can't see I can't see man down all you hear is Maximus went oh oh dad dad I don't max I can't see where are you dad he then he goes like this. I'm hit and he goes out I'm here motherfucker. I'm hit I'm done. I'm done and then

The guy I'm with is like my fingers they hit my fingers and right when I turn around a paintball Just hit my lip went under my mask and just smash my lip and I couldn't feel my lip I was like my lip, they hit my face. And I'm taught, there's a ref there. I go, dude, I can't see, man. He's like, yeah, bro, you can't take your mask off. There's around 50 guys coming down at you right now. You're gonna have to fight your way out.

I'm like, I can't do it. I just lied on the ground and just shot my gun in the direction of people. And then I just heard my son screaming, Dad, I was like, Max, come to me. He's like, I can't see. I'm like, I can't see. My legs, my legs are going.

Buddy. I shouldn't say it. I shouldn't say what I'm gonna say. Buddy. I don't know. I've got some real thoughts on this. I think you didn't consider something here. What, that my wife hates me and she's trying to kill me?

She sent you out to get killed. She sent me out. That is the classic story of a jumping. That is a, hey, why don't you guys go here? Oh, no. Listen. Dalia De Palito, the Black Widow lady, remember, that's what she did. I'm going to the gym. I'm going to the gym like, oh, no, honey, you stay home from the gym. You know, because the guy was coming over

to shoot him in the fucking face to kill him. She tried to set you up to get murdered in front of you. And she didn't want to take care of Max by herself. So she figured she'd get you guys both two birds, one stone. Buddy, we had to crawl to, like, this barrel where this guy was. She was aware of this. And I was like, I have to get my kid out of here.

I have to get these boys out of here. Because they're crying. They're like, Dad, I'm done. And I was like, I have to get my kid out of here. I have to get these boys out of here because they're crying. They're like, Dad, I'm done. I'm fucking done. I'm like, we can't just leave because the game will not stop. And the only way out is through the game.

Like you have to walk through the blue side to get out. And that's where they are. That's where they are. They are the blue side. So I look over and Max had his paint barrels the little things that's it. Where are your things? He goes I don't know they're over there. So I had to go get these things. Crawl? I had I crawled over to a barrier and I'm looking for these plastic tubes that hold the paintball gums and I'm just getting whacked and it it hurt. Don't they

stop when you get hit you go. I'm out I'm out, but then you have to go back to this other place, but as you're walking They're still shooting you yeah, so I the finally the guys like dude how much of the tubes, and I was like you're right Let's just leave we go back Max and Marcus are gone They're gone my son is gone, and I'm going up to guys And I'm like have you seen a little have you seen a boy and his friend? Like a young kid and his friend and they're like, I think they walked up. I think they walked up that way So we're going through the woods

Trying not to get hit all of a sudden I I see Max up on the top of the ridge line over to the left just sitting through his head down and I'm like Matt is holding a guy's head dad I Over to the left just sitting there with his head down and I'm like Max! He was holding a guy's head. Dad! I saved us. I go Max! And this guy goes like this. I'm not Max man.

I'm not Max. I go what? He goes I'm not Max. How do you get out of here? So it was some random guy with a beard that looked like Max's height. You just thought it was a Max. So I had to take this guy, we had to take him, I go follow me, follow me man.

So we're all kind of walking this ridge line through the woods so we didn't get fucking whacked. And Max and Marcus were back, they made it back without us. I don't know how they did it, they just left us, made it back to the picnic table where the thing was. All their shit's off, they're done, fuck this, welts all over our body. We lasted under 10 minutes. It was supposed to go from all day till 4 o'clock. And we lasted under 10 minutes. That's how much of a soldier I am. That's how much of a man I am.

Five, five minutes in I quit and I just wanted to be, I would have just, I actually wish it was real war where I really got shot by a real gun so at least I could get medevacked out of there and I wouldn't have to walk. 20 minutes back. It was 20 minutes back through the woods. By yourselves now because the crew's still playing.

They're still playing Not only that that I let my team down there four people down plus not max the guy I found in the woods That's five people down And one's injured damn I What a nightmare That sounds to me. I'll say it a hundred times over like dawn was trying to have you and max Killed well, it's funny because when I called her up she only laughed That sounds to me, I'll say it a hundred times over, like Dawn was trying to have you and Max killed.

Well, it's funny because when I called her up, she only laughed. She did. I was like, you bitch. She still knew you had a 20-minute walk and she still had another hour by herself. She wanted you out of that house. Don't forget the half hour back to the house.

She wanted you out. She wanted me out. She wanted you out for some reason. I don't know what it was. I don't want to make it into fairies. It's not cheating necessarily. Maybe she's doing, like, a taboo, like, OnlyFans stuff. Like, she's taking shits on camera now. Yeah, dude, she's taking shits on camera.

I'd pay to see that. Well, you better hope other people would pay to see it. I'd pay to see her little fucking rump take her shit into a jar. Buddy, it was so... I can't believe that she would think that we would have, that sending me into a tournament of professional paintball people

with my 11 year old son and his friend, where the fuck, where would you ever think that would be a good idea? She just wanted you out. You're overthinking her intention of what you could do. She could have been like, hey I got you guys skydiving lessons, but like shoot lists, where you guys like wing suit,

you'll be fine. So I shouldn't go rock climbing next week? No, I'm just saying, don't let Dawn plan your excursion without her. She's got me and Max doing rock climbing. No. Don't do that, okay. Don't do that.

I won't do that. I do not do that. I did, Isabella, I said you gotta learn when to walk away. That's what I started telling you the other day when they added a rock wall at the mall in Long Island. And Carla, my ex, was trying to get me to get, she's like, oh, you gotta go open the rock wall with Isabella. I'm like, no.

I'm like, I don't want my daughter, my daughter definitely, if nothing else, thinks I'm like strong and tough. Yeah. If nothing else. She knows I'm big and tough. Yeah. If nothing else. She knows I'm big and blah blah blah. To watch her see that that big that she thinks is big and intimidating is actually just a fat, sad, silly person.

And what she was gonna see was, when I get a hilariously not dangerous level up from the ground on this rock wall, my legs will begin to shake like I have to take a piss or something because I am utterly terrified of falling and just hurting myself. And I will, I mean, everything on me will be shaking and I'll be like, you good?

Isabel, you up? Are you next to me? And I don't want to put myself in positions where I can't save them. That's what Max saw that day. He had to save himself because you and Jiu Jitsu dad could not handle the situation. War is hell, Bobby. War is hell.

War is hell. And it sucked. And I heard ever since you come home, all you can think about is getting back. When you were out there, all you could think about was getting home. But now that you're home, I'll never go back again.

All you can think about is getting back. I'll never paintball again. No, it's a stupid for dumb assholes. Yeah to do I'll never do it again unless it's with a bunch of kids I would just go hey, how about we just like you know Go to the woods and just not you shouldn't paint ball with a team with other guys have literally real like medals From war and they have their real fatigues from the Afghan War. No, it's nothing worse than someone taking it too seriously in general across the board. They're like, guys, settle the fuck down. I'm going to wind up one of those stupid YouTube videos.

Just fat dad crying in the mud with this guy with a sniper rifle. Just fun with my boy. Just dad, help yourself, Max. Louis, are you in trouble if we don't take this break? Nah. Let's take it. All right, we'll take it. We have one read, Bobby.

How exciting is that? One, that's fantastic. We can, uh. Ah, it's better than Nunski. Yeah, good way to look at it. Two pages, only one read, though. We'll be right back, everybody. We're kicking it hard in Nashville.

We got a show here in Nashville. I have a show. You have Story Wars every night. We're all filled up for tomorrow live. All right, so I got a show here in Nashville. I have a show. You have story wars every night. We're all filled up for tomorrow live. All right, so I have a show Wednesday night at Zany's at seven o'clock. So if you're around, get tickets, come out. Who knows who's gonna be on the show with me?

Who knows? And then I'm doing story wars with you. You're doing story wars, story wars happening every night here at the festival. So if there are some tickets left grab them Bobby Kelly is gonna be yes that Wednesday night headlining show. They the mothership in Austin April In April 18th and 19th 18th and 19th, you're going big Jay Check out his new special right now on YouTube YouTube dot-com at big Jay Okerson They is out them's out them's out now. They is out. Them's out. Them's out now. They is coming

out on 420. It's two specials. It's hilarious. Two specials for the price of none. That would have been a great... Free. That would have been a great day. We'll be right back. It's the bonfire.