the bossbabe podcast - 136. The Most Important Thing I Learned This Year

Episode Date: December 7, 2020

Back for another solo episode, Natalie is sharing the most important thing she’s learned in 2020. It might not be easy, but it’s changed EVERYTHING… and it’s something that you can do, too! It’s a lesson and a skill that will help you in every aspect of your life and business moving into the New Year and beyond. This is one episode you’re not going to want to miss.  Links:  For a free trial with our sponsor Klaviyo, head to klaviyo.com/bossbabe Follow:  @ bossbabe.inc @ iamnatalie 

A Boss Babe is unapologetically ambitious and paves the way for herself and other women to rise, keep going and fighting on. She is on a mission to be her best self in all areas. It's just believing in yourself. Confidently stepping outside her comfort zone to create her own vision of success. Her own vision of success. Welcome to the Boss Babe podcast, a place where we share with you the real behind the scenes of building successful businesses, achieving peak performance and learning how to balance it all. I'm Natalie Ellis, your host for this week's episode. And

today we've got a solo. So you guys asked, I'm listening. I want to record a lot more solo episodes. And this one is really important for me to share. This is the most important thing that I've learned this year. And my hope in you listening to this is either it gives you a new perspective or it solidifies a perspective that you already have. Because I feel like you and I are definitely on the same page. And you probably are feeling this too. I know I've had a few conversations with people who have realized this this year, you know, the year of realizing things, if you get it, you get it. So hopefully

that's what happens for you in this episode, because this one thing has changed absolutely everything for me. And I'm going to keep this one short and sweet because I don't need to drag it out. I'm going to get straight to the point with it. And what I want to start with is people who say no respect other people who say no. So let that sink in. If there is anyone in your life who really gets offended when you say no, I'm gonna guess that they do not have their own boundaries and they don't say no often enough. And something about you saying no triggers them. But the people in your life who do say no on a regular basis and do say no when it isn't in alignment for them will absolutely respect when you say no. For example, I just sent out some invites for my birthday dinner. My birthday's on Christmas Eve and I'm actually going to go away on vacation, but I wanted to do a little

small COVID safe, don't worry, dinner with some close friends in LA before I leave. And I sent out invites and generally around the holidays, it's pretty hard for people to attend things. If they're traveling to see family. There's a lot going on, all of those different things. And I got a couple of responses saying, hey, I really need to quarantine because I've got family coming over for Christmas. I loved their no. Like I really, really did. I feel so great that someone can be like, yeah, that doesn't work for me. I'm here, but it doesn't work for me. I'm not going to suggest maybe I can come. Maybe there's some, I love a no. I love a clear no. And that's because I say no a lot too. There's been friends' birthdays who they've

invited me to and it maybe didn't feel COVID safe or it didn't feel aligned at that point. I was home, but I was really needing a weekend on my own or I was away. I'd booked something else and it felt like a no and I would say no and it was respected. I think the worst feeling can be when someone invites you somewhere and you say yes because you think you should say yes when it's a real no for you. That doesn't feel good for anyone because they can feel it and you can definitely feel it so you're turning up there you're making it happen and when you get there you might have a good time but you can definitely feel it. So you're turning up there. You're making it happen. And when you get there, you might have a good time.

But you knew deep down it should have been a no. So I just want to hammer that home that people who say no respect other people who say no. And listen, I definitely consider myself a boundary queen. And I want to share with you that I also get guilt around this I am definitely not fully integrated with this and don't get any guilt and I'm absolutely I definitely get guilt with this and let me explain how that shows up for me when my inbox is overflowing or my texts are overflowing and I feel really bad because that friend voice noted me three days ago and I haven't even listened to it that guilt kicks in and the

stories kick in. Well, she would listen to your voice note if you sent it or she's going to think you're a bad friend. And all of these stories come in, which to be honest, are just probably so untrue. And what does it matter if they're true? I have to really recognize that I am on my own journey and my priorities are my priorities. other people's priorities are not my priorities maybe Stephen wants to spend the night with me watching a movie but I know I need to work or I know I need to spend the night alone it might not feel great to him that I don't want to spend time with him and I want to say no when he was really looking forward to it but that's my priority and that's what I need to be able to show up but it does create some guilt and so I just want to share that but what I've really learned this, because we've all had to rethink priorities, right? We

haven't been able to attend, you know, the parties with so many people where you go and you're like, wait, I didn't get a chance to drop in with anyone because there's so many people here. And you'd go just because you feel like there's going to be FOMO if you don't go and you feel guilty and all the things. There's been a lot happening this year which has really made us think who do I want to spend my time with if I'm going to do a Zoom catch-up this week after being on Zoom all day with my team? Who are the people that I actually would look forward to doing that with? Who do I want to like see on Zoom? We've had to just get really really specific and particular about who those people are in our circle and I've definitely

noticed for me my circle has gotten so much smaller this year because I've been focused on keeping my team in jobs and helping other entrepreneurs keep their businesses afloat that's been a big priority for me and showing up to every single zoom invitation I get or every single event or replying to every single group text hasn't been top of my priority list checking in with every single friend that I know hasn't been top of my priority list and I've noticed myself gravitating towards a smaller but real strong friendship group and that's been a big thing for me because I definitely in the past have been the kind of person to be like oh I'll go because they came to my party or they came to

my event or I'll feel really bad if I don't and what will they think of me all the things but it feels really really good to really know what's a yes and what's a no so as we're coming into holiday season we're in what second week of December now, which is absolutely crazy. Where's this year gone? As we're really coming into this, you're going to expect Zoom invites galore. Obviously you can't be meeting up in person for all these holiday events, but probably Zoom invites galore. And it's really on you now to discern what's a yes from what's a no because the thing that I have learned is that my peace of mind comes above everything else and I don't get peace of mind from having a calendar full of obligations that I actually don't feel like a

full-body yes for and I don't feel peace of mind from pouring into everyone else's cup and ignoring my own and that has been such a powerful thing for me this year really understanding what brings me peace of mind and being willing to say no even if people don't respect my no I can recognize it's because they don't say no themselves and they don't have those boundaries for themselves. The people in my life who, like I said, really respect that, sometimes even when I say no, they will message me and be like, I love how you just said no. I love how you really stood for what you wanted in that moment. That feels like a much better way to have friendship and a much better way to do life. So if someone in your life, by the way, says no, and maybe it triggers you in the beginning, lean into that and recognize,

wow, that was probably quite hard for them to do. It might be something that they're working on. And is there a part of me that would really like to do that myself? And recognize them for it, celebrate them for it, let them feel like it was really accepted. Because I think that is what strong friendships are built on. Where you're not attending someone's birthday because they attended yours. And you're not doing this, their podcast, because they did yours. And you're not sharing that because they shared yours. That's what can happen sometimes. Especially as entrepreneurs, right?

Let's take a quick pause to talk about my new favorite all-in-one platform, Kajabi. You know I've been singing their praises lately because they have helped our business run so much smoother and with way less complexity, which I love. Not to mention our team couldn't be happier because now everything is in one place. So it makes collecting data, creating pages, collecting payment, all the things so much simpler.

One of our mottos at boss babe is simplify to amplify and kajabi has really helped us do that this year so of course i needed to share it here with you it's the perfect time of year to do a bit of spring cleaning in your business you know get rid of the complexity and instead really focus on getting organized and making things as smooth as possible i definitely recommend Kajabi to all of my clients and students. So if you're listening and haven't checked out Kajabi yet, now is the perfect time to do so because they are offering Boss Babe listeners a 30-day free trial. Go to kajabi.com slash boss babe to claim your 30-day free trial. That's kajabi.com slash boss babe. Okay, I wanted to really quickly interrupt today's

episode to talk to you about Klaviyo. If you're a business owner that focuses on e-commerce, then this e-commerce marketing platform was made just for you, no matter how big or small your business is. Klaviyo gives you everything you need to help build your audience like memorable branded emails, text messages, and so much more so that you can build really strong relationships that keep your customers coming back. And we all know customer loyalty is so important. They grow with you, which means you don't have to move to a different program, saving you way more time and money. And get this, on average, Klaviyo customers see a 41% increase in overall revenue within five months. The platform is really easy to use, has everything you need. And the best part is if you head over to clavio.com

slash boss babe, that's K-L-A-V-I-Y-O.com slash boss babe, you can get a completely free trial on us. And back to the episode. When you have other entrepreneurs as friends, it can be like, well, they were on my podcast, so I should do the same thing. And I should do this and we should do that. Or I should promote this for them. Well, if it isn't a yes for you and it isn't aligned, then you shouldn't do anything. And if your friendship is really built on business transactions, then is it really a friendship or is it a business relationship? I've been through this so often where people ask me to promote certain things, but I'm already swamped and I've got my full content calendar planned out and it just doesn't feel in alignment for me to do it. And I'll say no. And I would really consider that that friendship's not a fit anymore if that person got offended because I

wouldn't give them that business transaction. And that's something as entrepreneurs that we really, really need to be aware of. Is this a friendship or is this a business relationship? And sorry if I'm getting really on my soapbox here, but I feel like so many of you are just nodding along like, yep, this has definitely been something for me. And I definitely notice when you have friends who are in the same industry as you,

it can be really easy to fall into that transactional side. Oh, they've got a launch coming up. I should be an affiliate. I should have them on my podcast. I should do X, Y, Z. Absolutely, if it feels aligned. But if you're already swamped with your priorities, then your friends should recognize that your business comes first to you and their business comes first to them. And when we start blurring those lines and start expecting things of people, that's where we have problems. I never ask for anything business related from my friends. Obviously, when I launch a new planner or whatever, I send everyone a big gift box. And if they post that is cherry on top, that's amazing. If they don't, that's also absolutely

fine by me. I have no expectations. If I'm not paying them, and they're my friends, if I'm not paying them, I don't expect anything. If we haven't got a written agreement, I don't expect anything. And so when other people expect things of me, it feels out of alignment. It's same thing with birthday, right? I don't expect anyone to come if it's not an alignment for them, and I will celebrate their no. But if it feels like my no for them is taken the wrong way or it offends them or something like that, then that's not a fit for me. That's not, I don't want to live my life in that state. So ahead of all of these Zoom invites coming in and everything else, you're probably in a place where you're trying to tie everything up before the end of the year. I know we are, we're actually

giving our entire team two weeks off at the holidays, which I'm so proud to be able to do as a business owner because this has been a really, really hard year for absolutely everyone personally and professionally. And it feels really, really great that we can give them a full two weeks off and be like, go away, recharge, don't worry about anything. Come back in 2021 and we're in this together and we're going to make an amazing year so we're in the place of tying everything up so what's going to be really important i really you know i recommend for you to do is pull up your calendar and go through and comb through your calendar get rid of anything that feels like a no or even just feels like an unsure get rid of it you do not need to be filling your time with that and

if you look at something you're like oh I could have this call in three months time or someone emails you and you're like oh I could let's take this in three months time let me book that podcast in three months time reality check is that is a no you are literally just prolonging the no because you don't want to say no now hey my calendar's full I would love to do this in two months in two months when this event rolls around you're gonna be like oh why did I book this and I don't want to do it so stop doing it if you're cancelling something don't say to someone let's reschedule just say hey it isn't aligned right now I'll circle back if that changes if that changes not when that changes if it changes that changes, if it changes. Don't say you're

going to reschedule if it really is a no and you don't need to reschedule with them. And if someone messages you and it doesn't feel like a yes and you're tempted to push them back till March, cancel it. Say no, you don't need to be doing that. You're just prolonging the process. So I really recommend comb through your calendar and get rid of anything that doesn't feel like a yes. And you're probably gonna have these things in your head, oh it would be really good for the relationship if I said yes to this. No, a relationship that is a hell yes doesn't get ruined by something that isn't in alignment. If it is a relationship that you really want to preserve, then do it in

a way that feels good. Don't do it out of feeling like you should do something. Do it because you want to do it and it feels good. Otherwise, what's the point of this relationship? Just checking in, just preserve things because you think it would be good to have them on the back burner. That doesn't feel good for anyone. Or what about it might come up for you, oh, they do it for me though. And if you don't want to do it, why would you let that sway things? Why would you let that change things? So really, really go through and ask yourself, do I truly want to be doing this? Is this bringing me closer towards my goals? Is this aligned with my priorities in this month? Is this bringing me peace of mind?

And start to get super clear on that because what you're bringing into 2021 starts now. And if you really do have that intention of strengthening your boundaries and being able to show up differently and do things differently, then it starts now. And you're gonna get guilt. You're gonna get all the things, all the emotions, all the triggers, everything bubble to the surface.

And when you start moving through that and doing it anyway, you'll start to let go of a lot of that guilt or you'll let go of it quicker and it will become something that you get really, really good at. So I just really, really wanted to share that with you and I hope it's helpful. It's been such a big realization for me. And just right now, as I look to the side of my desk, I have probably about 15 books that I've been sent. When you're a podcaster, you get sent everyone's books because when someone released a book,

they go on a full podcast tour and they want to come on the podcast and all those things. I have about 15 books and of those, I've only invited two people on the podcast. But I, and a lot of these people are very, very well-known, well-respected, respected would in quotation marks be good contacts and didn't feel aligned for me to have them on the podcast because it just didn't feel like the podcast would be a good fit like I didn't feel like you guys would really connect to

this person and I felt like I'd be doing it out of pure obligation so I didn't do it and while that might offend some people I'm not creating a podcast to be in everyone's good books I'm creating a podcast because I really want to connect with you and I really want to bring you content that I know you'll love and will be helpful for you so that comes way before you know building good contact contacts and being willing to put out a piece of filler content just because it would build a relationship or would make the other person happy and so really think about that with your own business or your own career or your own life what does that look like for you what is that you know might not be a stack of books but it might be something else it might be different kinds of requests so just get really clear on

what that looks like for you now I'm going to a breath, get off my soapbox and get back to my coffee. But I really hope that this was helpful for you. And if it was, please share this on your stories because I feel like a lot of people, especially women this time of year, need to hear it. And if you share it, maybe some of your friends who are offended by you saying no will listen and it'll give them a bit of a different perspective so I would love if you could share it and as always if you could leave a review that would be so so helpful we're really leaning into the podcast but really want to grow in 2021 so any support that you could offer would be absolutely incredible so with that I will see you or speak

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