the bossbabe podcast - 140. 5 Ways To Be Happier And More Successful In 2021

Episode Date: December 24, 2020

In order to know where you want to go - you have to know where you’ve been. Join BossBabe Co-Founder & President Danielle Canty as she lifts the lid on the 5 things she evaluates and continues to work on every year to continue in a direction that will lead to more happiness and success. If you’re interested in getting backdoor access to The Société, click here.  Follow:  BossBabe: @bossbabe.inc Danielle: @daniellecanty

hindsight is a marvelous thing but it's also a really dangerous thing whilst i think it's really important to own what you are good at it's also really important to own unapologetically what you're not good at and you don't like doing at all. When I let go of perfectionism, that's actually also when my wealth increased. Welcome to the Boss Babe podcast, a place where we share with you the real behind the scenes of building successful businesses, achieving peak performance and learning how to bounce it all. It's Danielle Candy here, your co-founder and president of Boss Babe and I'm your host for this week's episode. So a couple of episodes back I came in here and I spoke about the power of goal setting and not just how powerful it can be but I taught you guys the framework that I've been leveraging over the last several years and I call it my 5R

framework and those R's stand for review, reflect, refine, results and remind and it's the process that I go through time and time again to set my goals and really make sure I achieve them. So if this is where you're at right now, I'd really encourage you to hop over to that episode. We'll put a link in the description below so that you can get to it really easily. But it's a really good one if you want to head into 2021 or maybe you're listening to this already in 2021, but you want to do a little bit more of a review and really hone those goals, all right? But the reason I'm just referencing that is because this episode was really born

out of me recording that one because one of the big points, the second R, is all about reflection. And I truly believe that to set goals and to know where you're going, you have to know where you have been. You have to be learning from the things you did well the things you would do differently and how you could apply them moving

forward so that's such a key bit of being able to grow as people and as entrepreneurs so as I was doing my review it really dawned on me that I actually wanted to come and share with you some of my reflections not just from this year but from the last few years the things that I actually wanted to come and share with you some of my reflections, not just from this year, but from the last few years, the things that I've learned on this roller coaster that we call life, this roller coaster of entrepreneurship, this roller coaster that we're all on and continue to be on. And I think for me, a really powerful skill set that I've honed over the last few years is reflecting. And so I just wanted to come in as I'm starting to open up more on Instagram starting to open up more on the podcast and just share with you guys some of those pieces of wisdom that I've learned some takeaways that I've had and really

share how I ultimately believe they've not only made me happier but they've also helped me become more successful and my hope is that maybe you might relate to one of them maybe you relate to all of them but that you learn that we can all change and we can all invest our futures and we can happiness is a choice and we can reflect and learn to help us find our own place of happiness and so whether you relate to one of them or all of them I really want you to be able to have some actionable steps to help you move through these and maybe on the off chance you don't relate to any of these learnings or reflections at all I would love for you to think about someone who might need to listen to this episode because what I'm going to talk about is really personal and I actually feel is really really important and I want to be vulnerable and share my learning so that they can help other people. So that's my request before diving in today, that if you enjoyed this episode and you see value in it, please share it with someone close to you who you think would benefit from listening to. So without further ado, we're going to dive in.

Hey, it's Danielle. And I'm so excited to say that this episode is brought to you by our membership community, The Society. Now, The Society is one of my favorite places and it's the place for female entrepreneurs to connect, build and grow. And inside The Society, we provide you all the content and support that you need to build your businesses. So whether you're taking it from the startup to six figures or even beyond, every single month you will receive a new success kit from an expert in their field to help you along the way. You'll also have access to every single previous success kit that we've ever created in the time we've been having the society, including how to go your email list, how to get started with Facebook ads and pixels, or even how to reprogram your subconscious mind for success and on top of all of that you can

definitely consider your fellow society babes as your accountability partners and business bffs we are here to inspire support and celebrate you every single step of the way and you'll also get two live group coaching calls every single month which are normally with yourself truly and you'll always feel supported and get those questions answered in fact on our goal setting one i actually start every single one with a meditation and everyone finds it super powerful we actually have a waitlist right now but we have a secret backdoor entry for all of our podcast listeners because we love you guys so much so all you need to do is visit bossbabe.com forward slash connect, build, grow. If the society sounds like a really good fit for you right now, I hope to see you in there.

A boss babe is unapologetically ambitious and paves the way for herself and other women to rise, keep going and fighting on. She is on a mission to be her best self in all areas. It's just believing in yourself, confidently stepping outside her comfort zone to create her own vision of success. Okay, so in this episode, I'm going to be sharing with you the five things that I've let go of over the years I truly believe have helped make me happier and more successful. Now, I want to pre-warn you, if at any point I sound like I'm getting preachy, it is not preachy to you, it really is preachy to myself because this is an ongoing process for me. I am not going to say I have solved every single bit of this, I no longer have any of these challenges because quite frankly, that would be a load of, okay,

I'm going to swear now, that would be a load of bollocks. Also, this is funny, just this little side note, I found out that bollocks is an English swear word and not an American one and all my American friends keep saying it. So there we go. But it's just absolutely BS for people to say that they have no hangups at all. So I'm coming in here being super vulnerable about what mine have been, what they continue to be and what I'm working through. Okay. So like I said in the intro, my intention is that you're going to either relate to this yourself or you're going to know somebody who does but I'm also going to try and give some really clear action steps of how me move through these things. So the first one, the first thing that I have really tried to let go of which has

actually led me to be way more happier and more successful is fearing the unknown all right so as you guys know I am really obsessed with goal setting and a lot of you if you're listening if you know your Myers-Briggs if you have a J in it it's likely you are too I like to know where my north star is where I'm planting my flagpole what I'm moving towards right and that has allowed me to create a lot of success because I don't I'm still for very long and it means that I'm always powering towards something but it's also really cursed me with a lot of feelings like I have to control everything like a fear of hang on a minute if I don't know exactly what's happening and when something bad might happen

or if I don't know exactly what's happening and when then I'm not going to get anywhere and that's been a really really big challenge for me because I see so much strength of knowing the known but that's different to fearing the unknown because when you fear the unknown it actually makes you really closed off to other opportunities that were not on your goals and that's one thing I realized several years ago that when I tried to plan every single bit of minute detail I left no space and so what I've done as I've moved through my entrepreneurial journey is I've become intentional about leaving space whether it's leaving space on my calendar, whether it's leaving space in time in my day for opportunities. That has really been a game changer for me. So rather than feeling like I have to know everything and feeling like if I didn't

know these things, it being scary, I now actually open up time on my calendar to allow for the unknown. Now that's been a really big journey for me. One thing that I used to really experience with the unknown was a lot of fear and a lot of anxiety accompanying this fear. So I would have that like nervous stomach feeling, that feeling of like my heart fluttering. It was anxiety and I'm sure so many of you have realized this and whether it's an anxiety of the unknown or an anxiety of something else completely different, I want to share with you a technique that I have learned to really overcome that. So the Harvard Business Review, which I'm sure all of you have heard of, they actually published a study and in that study they spoke about how

anxiety and excitement are actually really, really similar. They're really similar emotions. So they're both generated by the sympathetic nervous system and they're both called arousal emotions, right? So very, very similar in how we experience them within our body. And they were saying it's very easy to actually switch from feeling anxiety into excitement because they are so similar. And so I'm reading this article at the time and I'm like, oh my goodness, I have to know exactly how I can change my anxiety to excitement

because look, that's going to be a game changer, right? I'm sure listening, I'm like, wow, I want to know that. Tell me exactly how I'm going to do this. And you're probably like me starting to envision, okay, is it tapping? Is it breath work things is it a long exercise have i got a journal etc etc no do you know what they said let's take a quick pause to talk about my new favorite all-in-one platform kajabi you know i've been singing their praises lately because they have helped our business run so much smoother and with way less complexity which i love not to mention our team couldn't be happier because now everything is in one place so it makes collecting collecting data, creating pages, collecting payment, all the things so much simpler. One of our mottos at Boss Babe is simplify to amplify and Kajabi has really helped us do that this year.

So of course I needed to share it here with you. It's the perfect time of year to do a bit of spring cleaning in your business, you know. Get rid of the complexity and instead really focus on getting organized and making things as smooth as possible I definitely recommend Kajabi to all of my clients and students so if you're listening and haven't checked out Kajabi yet now is the perfect time to do so because they are offering Boss Babe listeners a 30-day free trial go to kajabi.com slash boss babe to claim your 30-day free trial. Go to kajabi.com slash Boss Babe to claim your 30-day free trial. That's kajabi.com slash Boss Babe. This is just hilarious. They literally said all you have to do is, wait for it, tell yourself you are excited rather than anxious.

That's it. That's all you have to do to start switching that emotion from anxiety to excitement and I was just like wow is that too simple to actually be true but it's not and I promise you if you really start leaning into this when you feel yourself going into what you've previously labeled as anxiety those butterflies that nervousness and you replace that with oh I can feel this excitement inside me and you verbalize it and you think it and you replace that with, oh, I can feel this excitement inside me, and you verbalize it, and you think it, and you start bonding with it as excitement versus anxiety, you actually really start to feel that emotion turn from a negative into a positive. Like the feeling doesn't actually change like physically in your body, but your interpretation in the brain does. And that has

been a literal game changer for me. So like I said, the first thing that I've let go of that's helped me feel happier and more successful is fearing the unknown and by leveraging how I experience the unknown, turning it from anxiety to excitement has really, really helped me. Okay, so the next one, living in the past. Have you ever caught yourself saying, I wish I did that or I wish I'd done it this way, or if only I had done that. Damn it, why did I make that decision? Like, I'm sure every single one of us has done that, right? Well, I'm going to give you some hard truths that I had to give myself. We didn't do that way, and we need to get over it. Getting over the past has been such a game changer for me. Hindsight is a marvelous thing,

but it's also a really dangerous thing. And if you start getting caught up in that, oh, I wish I'd done this, or I am annoyed, I didn't prep it that long, or this went wrong, and yada, yada, yada, right? It actually keeps you going round in circles and it's such a waste of time. Now, don't get me wrong.

I mean, this podcast is all about reflection right? Yes reflect on it but reflect in a way that you can actually take practical learnings from it. So okay on hindsight I could have done this but I didn't but next time I will do x y and z. Like always follow up with a practical solution of how you can change things for the better the next time. Because if you don't do that, it really is pointless just living in the past. Another thing tying into living in the past is that we all make mistakes and we're all on this journey and the path that we need to be at any given time. So it might be like, oh, well, you know, if I'd done it this way, I would now be here. But you're not there. And sometimes you are exactly where you need to be.

And you're there because another door is going to open in a week's time, in a month's time. It's something else's plan that's going to help you. So when you can start changing that and realize the past is the past, the present is the present, and the future will be what the future will be. Start letting go of that has been really really powerful for me and just being kind to myself because I also really used to look back on the past and it was never in like a positive way it was always on a oh I could have been better type way and I think that can actually be a really detrimental place to be and really hard for one's

confidence and so again just okay well forgiving myself for the past forgiving myself for how I showed up but always learning well if I felt like I didn't show up the right way but always learning how I can be better in the future okay so the third thing that I'm letting go of well actually I'm continuing to be in various points in my life and have been for a very very long time and this is definitely one of the most ongoing things for me, is perfectionism. 80% done is better than perfect. Okay, let me say that again. 80% done is better than perfect.

Because perfect doesn't exist. If you are trying to achieve perfect, you are never, ever, ever, ever, ever going to get there. It does not exist. And when I realized that, and don't get me wrong, I do have to remind myself of this quite a lot, not actually in a business sense, more on an Instagram sense, which you guys know how I've always shared. Like I've really struggled with Instagram because I'm like, oh, you know, I don't want to be perfect on there, but I just want to do the best posts or, you know, I'm like, oh, this post isn't really good. People aren't going to really relate to it. But then I don't end up posting. Whereas if I actually posted that one that was 80% okay, that would have been better

than me trying to do perfect and not posting at all, right? Do you hear what I'm saying? So where do you relate to this in your business or your life? How is this catching you? For me, I've not suffered from this in a business sense for a really long time, probably about four years. I remember when I first started entering the online space, I started suffering from it quite badly then because I was like, oh, I can't launch my website until this is perfect. I can't launch my course until it's completely done all these things and there were really easy traps to fall into but luckily at that time I had a mentor who was like no that's untrue get it out there tweak it once it's out there and like we always teach now if you're in any of our courses we always say you don't even have to finish the course before you start selling it as long as you're just ahead of where people are going to be if you're drip feeding it that is perfect okay in itself so actually I shouldn't say that because it's not perfect that is just the way it is in itself we should just

banish perfect from the vocabulary I think so letting go of perfectionism has been a really key turning point if I look back to my success and I'm actually going to say this because I feel this is a really unapologetic thing to say and we're all about being unapologetic a boss babe but I feel like when I let go of perfectionism that's actually also where my wealth increased so I started getting more done I started taking more action and I started learning from that imperfect action I learn oh hang on a minute this works I learn hang on this doesn't work and I was able to pivot and make changes but when you don't do anything because you're striving for it to be perfect

and you don't even know what perfect is at that point, I think that's the other key thing. We hold ourselves accountable to a vision of perfect which doesn't even exist, which isn't right for our marketing, which might not be right for our customers because you're never gonna find out what is perfect until you put it out there in the first place.

Again, makes sense? Comes back to the Instagram. You just don't know until you try. And one thing that we're really good at at Boss Babe is we always say like, we ask, listen and learn. And that's what I do in my business on a day to day. I'm always like putting things out there. I'm asking, I'm listening, and then I'm learning from it to tweak it. And you know, when you let go of perfection, it gives you that more room to tweak because you know, nothing's ever going to be perfect. And you're always going to want to to be perfect and you're always going to want to iterate it and you're always going to want to improve it which you know

is also a curse in itself sometimes as I'm sure some of you are going to relate to also but I think it's just really really important to grasp that taking action is better than striving for something that's perfect and actually doesn't even exist. So there we are, letting go of perfectionism. I'm happier and more successful for it. The next one I have been letting go of is putting myself down. Now some of you may or may not relate to this but I think a few of you are going to relate to this next piece as I talk about it. So I had a really bad habit of deflecting compliments and praise. I don't know if you guys have had that too but I was so bad when people would say well done to me. Oh my goodness you've done a really good job or oh my goodness your hair looks really nice today. Like my instinct and my gut reaction

was to be like they said oh yeah your hair looks nice today. I'm like oh yeah I washed it like sarcastically versus saying oh thank you and actually absorbing the compliment I would literally deflect it back to them and I think that's just such a powerful reflection for me and this is probably the one that I've been working on the most this year is actually being like oh okay thank you I received that and whilst I kind of like got pretty good at receiving that in like a outside of work way and like compliments in my home or how I was looking etc one thing that I was really bad at is actually accepting it in work like if someone would say like oh the playbook is so so good like what

you've created there like your onboarding sequence for like bringing people in the team it's really amazing and I'd be like oh yeah but you know it's not quite perfect we've still got a couple changes to make or hang on a minute yeah thanks but also xyz like I want to improve this this and this and I would never really absorb it and just be like oh yeah thanks for noticing like it's something that I've put a lot of effort into and it's something that I'm actually really proud of and I started realizing that when you deflect a lot, it's really negative on you because you're not allowing those positive affirmations to come in that actually really help build your confidence. So my challenge to myself this year and will continue to be into next year is to get comfortable receiving compliments, trying to own what I'm actually good at because again I work with people

who find it so easy to say yep I'm amazing at this I'm so good at this and they just have this beautiful inner confidence whereas I've always struggled with that I am so hard I hold such high expectations of myself which has allowed me to get to where I am. But it's also meant that I find it very, very difficult to own what I'm good at and really like say out loud, yeah, I freaking crush it this or yeah, I'm totally your expert in that because I always see there's always room for improvement. And yes, whilst that's true, and it's great to have that growth mindset, there's always room for improvement. I do think it's really important to own where you're at the other thing that I noticed that I did and you know this is why my letting go was putting myself down was because not only would I not really own those

compliments when they came in but I also would be like downplay what I'd achieved so I wanted to give you guys a tool that I've been utilizing that's actually really really helped me because whilst I think it's really important to own what you are good at it's also really important to own unapologetically what you're not good at and you don't like doing at all because I think that if you start saying oh my goodness I'm good at everything one it's inauthentic and two it's BS like no one is good at absolutely anything and also it's kind of annoying to be around when people are like that as well right so i think there's like a really good balance between like owning what you're really really good at but also saying do you

know what that's really not my strength and i'm okay owning that it's not my strength too right so we've been doing this exercise in our company called elevate and delegate right if you had a piece of paper you would split the piece of paper you turn it horizontal or landscape and you would turn it into four quadrants so a line down the middle a line across and in the top left corner you write down what you are good at and absolutely love doing and then the top right you write down what you are good at and like doing and then you in the bottom left you put in what you are good at but don't like doing. And in the bottom right, you put in what you aren't good at and you don't like doing. And that exercise is obviously an exercise to really help you delegate to the team so you can

decide like, hang on a minute, and you could do this around the house or in your business or in your career around what you like doing and what you don't. But it also allows you to really own the things that you really enjoy doing and that you are good at. And you see those and then you see them written down. You're like, wow, actually I can accept responsibility for being good at those things. And also I can accept responsibility for not being good at those things in the bottom right-hand corner. And do you know what? It kind of feels good because now it feels like, hang on a minute, I'm not just saying inauthentically I'm good at everything. I'm now saying, hey, do you know what? I'm really going to own these pieces because I am really good at them and I really enjoy doing them and I want to do more of them. And you're going to tell people

about them so they know to come to you about them. And also, do you know what? I'm just really going to tell also people because it makes you relatable too. I'm really not good at these things. I really don't like doing them. So maybe just don't ask me to do them. So that has been my other big takeaway that actually, as we lead this back to success, if I focus on doing those things that light me up, that I'm good at, that I can get in flow with and bring me energy and fulfillment, I'm happier and I'm more successful because ultimately I'm good at them, right? Makes sense, doesn't it? So if that is something that you really relate to, I would highly recommend that exercise. So elevate and delegate, like I said, just rewind and listen to those four quadrants again. It's really powerful and something you should definitely do.

Okay. So my final, my final thing that I am letting go of, I'm saying goodbye to, and it's making me feel happier and it's making me feel more successful. That is trying to please other people. Okay. I'm done. I am done trying to please other people. I have been a notorious people pleaser for, I would say, the last 32 years of my life. There you are. I'm 32. I have been a people pleaser, like addicted to it. I used to think that no, you guys are going to laugh at me. I used to think that saying no was a really bad thing. I used to find it hard when people said no to me. And actually, no, that's a lie. I didn't, no, I did. I did find it hard when people said no to me, but I used to find it even

harder to say no to other people. Like I would feel so guilty for saying, no, I don't want to do that. Or no, I can't do that. If you guys know the Enneagram, I am a three. I am an achiever. Like I am here to achieve things in life. And my role used to be to make you feel happy and good about yourself too. And this is something you can probably tell I'm having a lot of therapy for which is actually realizing that I can speak my truth and I don't have to please everybody and they still love me and it's a beautiful thing let me tell you and for any of you listening who are like oh my goodness that is me I say yes to things all the time and then I'm doing them thinking oh my goodness this is miserable like I don't enjoy doing this or you know you're bending over backwards burning the candle at both ends and when you look at what you've achieved in the day half of stuff has been for other people around you versus yourself like these are things I'm talking about

like I would really struggle saying hang on a minute no I'm at limited capacity here I can't do that my default would be okay how can I make this work for that person because I know that's going to make them happy if I do that and And this has been really, really therapeutic, really cathartic for me to work on. And it's really spelled into not just my work relationships, but my personal relationships. Just allowing myself a space to say, do you know what? I don't actually enjoy doing that. And I'm going to also say this at this point I don't think you have to be rude about not pleasing other people I think it can be done in a really respectful and very kind way and you can still make sure you're doing what makes you happy so for me it's been very much

about learning to communicate what I no longer want to do what no longer serves my own happiness even though it might have served other people's happiness for a long time and you know what the beauty of that is the people that really care about you and really love you will actually be so supportive of you starting to own what makes you happy and supportive of you putting those boundaries in place for saying no it really is a beautiful thing. The thing that I've realized the most is that they don't mind if I say no. They don't mind if I say, hey, do you know what? That's not really something that I'm going to want to do.

Okay. Actually, do you know what? It's Friday. I would love to go out for dinner with you, but I'm really, really tired. So I really just want to cancel these plans. I'm really sorry. And they're like, oh no, absolutely. Like I actually wanted to cancel them too. And you're like, oh my goodness, thank God I spoke up. Or up or it might be do you know what I really don't like doing this anymore and I want to change it and they're like oh yeah we can totally see that I always noticed that you were getting really uptight when you're doing that job so let's find somebody else to do that just speaking your truth is really powerful and I know that some of you listen to this will not relate at all but others of you will and I really just want those of you who really struggle saying no and

struggle that you continually do things to serve other people's happiness versus your own. Trust me when I say those that love you, those that have your best interests at heart will only ever support this decision.'s the been the biggest learning for me and how supportive I have felt during this journey of showing up to what actually helps make me happy and how I can find my flow and do the things that I love versus doing the things that kind of gets dumped on me or doing the things that nobody else wants to do because I can pick those things up whilst I'm good at that that isn't what gets the best out of me and the people that love me and the people that work with me the people that support me the work people in my relationship people in my family my friends

they want to be me to be happy and they want the best for me and I really hope that those of you listening are surrounded by very similar people and you may or may not be surprised but I think a lot of you will be okay so that's my roundup so the five things that I have let go of that have made me happier and more successful and I hope you have some learning so I'm off fearing the unknown, living the past, perfectionism, putting myself down and trying to please other people. So I'd really encourage you after this exercise to really think about what your own are you know what have you learned over the last several years that you really wanting to continue applying to your life because Because I share these. Some of them, like I started off by at the beginning of this episode, some of these are pretty complete for me, but some of them are

really ongoing. Like I'm really in. That putting myself down and trying to please other people, I'm really in. This is a work in progress. This is active right now. So what can you really continue taking into the next several months? What can you continue really leaning into and learning from about yourself so that you can always strive to become that best version? You know, that's why we're here to grow. We all have that growth mindset. We want to be better. We want to do more and we want to support more people and ourselves. And how can we show up in the world in the best possible way so I think that's enough for my TEDx talk I always call these TEDx talks because I'm like a little monologue to

myself but I really hope you've enjoyed it I'm so enjoying getting your DMs about this podcast it really does light me up so if you have enjoyed it please tag and share your favorite takeaways with me share them and tag me at danialkanti tag at boss bossbabe.inc as well. And like I said, if you have enjoyed this episode, please share it with a friend and write us a review. All of these things really mean the world to us. So thank you so, so much. If you loved this episode, please subscribe, download a few more and please leave us a review. I really want to hear what you enjoyed, what your main takeaways were and I also want to know what you want to hear us talk about next. To say thanks for leaving us a review, we'll send you a copy of The Boss Babe 25. The Boss Babe 25 is the 25 essential resources you need for personal and professional growth. It covers everything from

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