the bossbabe podcast - 217. How To Build F**king Confidence with Lisa Bilyeu

Episode Date: May 10, 2022

Lisa Bilyeu, co-founder and president of Impact Theory and co-founder of the billion-dollar business, Quest Nutrition, is here with the facts that will completely change your approach to confidence. Lisa has found amazing success in life + business through hard work and mastering the art of self-confidence… …but it didn’t happen overnight Tune in to hear Lisa’s story about becoming authentically herself + how she was able to develop radical confidence that changed the trajectory of her life and her business.  Highlights: How Lisa built her billion-dollar business + why you can, too. The difference between “fake it till you make it” confidence and being authentically yourself. The #1 misconception about confidence + how to rewrite your story. The ONE time judging yourself can be a good thing. Lisa’s top 3 tools for radical confidence you can start implementing TODAY. Links: The Radical Confidence website: Purchase a copy of Lisa’s book Radical Confidence and enjoy the bonus material she mentioned in the episode! Radical Confidence Book “Level Up Your Life, Your Worth + Your Bank Balance with Mel Robbins”: Listen to this classic bossbabe episode mentioned in the episode.  Your Ultimate Roadmap To Making Six Figures In 2022: The only six steps you need to take to get unstuck + make more money doing what you love in 2022. The Société: Join our private, online community of female entrepreneurs where you can connect, build and grow. Follow: Bossbabe: @bossbabe.inc Danielle Canty: @daniellecanty Natalie Ellis: @iamnatalie Lisa Bilyeu: @lisabilyeu

Did I give it my all? Did I show up? Did I know? And we all know, right, we can convince other people, but when we're alone, at night, by ourselves, you know if you actually gave it your all or not. A boss babe is unapologetically ambitious and paves the way for herself and other women to rise, keep going and fighting on. She is on a mission to be her best self in all areas.

It's just believing in yourself. Confidently stepping outside her comfort zone to create her own vision of success. Welcome to the Boss Babe podcast, the place where we share with you the real behind the scenes of building successful businesses, achieving peak performance and learning how to balance it all. I'm Dania Canty, president and co-founder of Boss Babe and today your host for the Boss Babe podcast. Now today is a super special podcast for me because not only did I get to interview such an amazing woman, but that woman was a fellow Brit living in LA, and that is Lisa Bilyeu. And she's not only an amazing friend, but she is such an inspiring businesswoman. She's actually

co-founder of Quest Nutrition. So a lot of you will know Quest Bars because they actually grew 57,000. Yeah, she had that right. 57,000% in just three years, which is absolutely insane. And they went on to sell for over a billion dollars. But what was born from Quest Bar was also not only amazing Quest Bars, but a passion for a growth mindset. And I think that's really powerful. And when her and her husband Tom left Quest Bar, they actually became the co-founders and Lisa became the president of Impact Theory Studios, which is their production house, which focuses on themes of empowerment. And over the course of Lisa's career, she has created a massive amount of content, which has been viewed over half a billion times and a global audience of over 7.5 million. Now, Lisa has all of these accolades after her name, you know, building a billion dollar business

casually, having all these millions of subscribers and nearly half a billion views. But what I love most about Lisa isn't necessarily the business lessons that she can teach because boy, can she teach them, but it's actually her mindset to this day, her mindset of being humble, her attitude, her authentic nature, the way she is such a no bs approach she's not scared of being vulnerable and sharing and honestly she is the type of person that i love to spend my time with because you know what you're getting and you don't have to pretend you're seen for who you are and this episode for me was so powerful i had so many breakthrough moments in it because we were talking about confidence and radical confidence at that, what it means to be confident, what confidence is, how we can get more of it.

And I know that's something that so many of you struggle with as well. And for me, I realized during this interview, which you'll hear, I was like, damn, confidence isn't a destination. We often put this emphasis on this feeling that, oh, we'll be confident when, oh, if only I have confidence, but it's not a destination. It's emotion that comes and goes. And if any of you who have suffered from a lack of confidence or feel like you would like more confidence, this can be such an inspiring and motivating podcast for you guys. So listen to it, share your favorite takeaways with myself at Danielle Canty, and also share them with at bosswave.inc and share them with Lisa Beaulieu because I know she's going to

love to hear. So let's dive in. Okay, Lisa, I'm going to call it out. We're talking about confidence today, but as you sit in front of me with like looking beautiful a wonder woman medallion hair flicked over looking glamorous I can't help but think you look like you've been born with confidence like I can't imagine you not confident yeah oh my god I was born the what is the opposite of confident that was me we should actually put that on my birth certificate um girl growing up I was picked on teased my big greek nose my big long greek name um was haralambos and so kids at school used to call me shagalampost and you can imagine what

what kids are so cruel it's so cruel um but you like now I just laugh right but you can imagine what I did on an imprint of like you know a 13 year old girl that has had a brace literally wrapped around my neck had the unibrow so yeah I was the opposite of confident oh bless you yeah and I think that's what's really powerful about your story because you do sit here in front of me and you know when I see you interacting with other people and you live a life full of confidence now but I think it's really important to hear that that wasn't always the case and I'm so excited and curious to really dive into that journey because as a friend I've known what you've been through over the last several years really but I kind of just want to take it back to those schooling years when you were in the UK, Greek family.

And what that started for you and what you were having to overcome in those early years. Yeah, I love you, by the way. I just had to say, you're such a freaking amazing homie. Yeah, it's looking back now, I had just crippling insecurity. I was told every which way, you know, from kids in school. And you take it as truth. Yeah, it's looking back now, I had just crippling insecurity. I was told every which way, you know, from kids in school. And you take it as truth. And, you know, I remember one time, I must have been like 14 and this really stuck with me, actually 13.

We had one of those school dances and it was like on a school trip and this really special occasion. And I don't think I've ever told this story actually and I this boy that I fancied I had like you know the typical like blue eyes blonde hair he was like the the ideal that all the girls fancied and he came up to me and asked me to a school dance and I was like oh my god this is everything to me I got so excited and I turn up at the school dance and he was dancing with a popular girl in school and it was all a setup. Oh my goodness. So I just want to paint the picture, right? It's like those things really stay with you. And in looking back now, everything has been in hindsight. In looking back now of why I felt so badly about myself, it's these little things that things happen to us. It's the, you know, even just being Greek Orthodox,

my parents and my family all told me I'd end up, you know, staying at home and supporting my husband and having kids. And that would be my life. And, you know, when you get these messaging over the years, you really do start to believe them. The thing for me though, is I just had massive dreams. And so a big part of it was I had massive dreams to come to America and live in LA. And even though so many people told me it's not possible, oh my God, your head's up in the clouds, I was just bullish enough on my dreams to keep pursuing it. So it wasn't actually confidence. It was just, oh, well, if I don't, what's my life going to look like? And that's kind of, I think, where the attitude started from, where it was like, I actually feel crippling anxiety right now and I'm actually totally insecure. But if I don't do

it, then what does my life look like? I relate to that a lot because I have generally felt a lot of my life motivated by the thought of something not changing versus the thought of something changing. And I can hear that in your story, like, oh my goodness, if I stay here, nothing's going to change. If I stay here or do this thing, I'm not going to achieve my dreams. So obviously, like I say, in the UK, you had these aspirations of moving to America. How did that come into fruition? How did I move here? So really wanted to study film. That was my goal. I was the kid that would stay up until 3am to watch the Academy Awards. So as a kid, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to move to America. I wanted to live in Los Angeles. I wanted to make movies and be the first female to win an

Academy Award in directing. So imagine big freaking audacious dreams as a little Greek kid in North London. And every step of the way, I was told it's not possible. I mean, my dad, who loves me more than life itself, I was arguing with him about, I wanted to study film at school, at university, and he didn't want me to. And we were arguing. And eventually he's like, well, you're going to be a stay-at-home wife anyway, so it doesn't really matter. Now, my dad comes from a tiny village in the mountains of Cyprus. His upbringing, he saw women didn't get an education because there was no school in his village. There was like 50 huts.

I mean, it was tiny. So even to get an education, what he saw growing up was, A, you have to be male because females just ended up pregnant. So it didn't make sense for them to be sent away to school. And only a select few kids actually got selected. So my dad was like, just to him, it was kind of like more like a matter of fact of that's what your life is going to be like. So when he said that to me, I was just caring.

I just want to study film. So that was very exciting to me. But it goes to show how these messaging really does dictate and have influence on where you end up in your future. So I ended up studying film. I didn't feel like I had enough experience. So I got this one pamphlet, which was a four-week or eight-week course in New York Film Academy in Los Angeles. I was like, oh my God, this is amazing. I get to come to LA. I get to work on like Universal Studios backlots. And so day one, I walk into the school

and standing in front of me is now my, who everyone knows to be my husband. So he was my teacher, which is little frowned upon. I did not know that. There's only four years difference before us, but yeah, I walk into class number one, my first day and he's standing and originally he was the office guy. So he's just like running the office.

After two weeks, I walk into my class and my teacher's not there and he's standing there. And originally, he was the office guy. So he's just like running the office. After two weeks, I walk into my class and my teacher's not there. And he's standing there. It's like, why is Tom like standing? And he's like, so guys, your teacher had to go away. I'm now taking, because he used to teach as well. He's like, I'm now taking over. I'm now your new teacher. So you were 18 at this point?

No, this was after university. So I was 21. Okay. So there's only four years difference between us. so so you were 18 at this point no at this this was after university so i was 21 okay so there's only four years difference between us um i just thought he was really hot and he was like oh you know great he got out of a relationship where a girl had got a little clingy so both of us were just like this is going to be a great summer fling and what we didn't realize we ended up totally falling for each other and it's interesting in hindsight that a lot of that was because neither of us had any expectation and neither of us pretended to be anyone we weren't.

So it was like we were just so authentically us. So that turned into a 20-year marriage. So I'm going to pause you there because I think this is actually really, really interesting. You just said you both were not pretending to be anyone else. You were just authentically yourselves. That, to me, takes a freaking shit ton of confidence to be yourself. Because I think as well, sometimes a lot of people will hide behind. Because a lot of people will have this exterior of someone they the external world think

they are but behind the scenes they're very different and the reason that they don't show that aspect of themselves is they're scared of that rejection they're actually scared and don't have the confidence to show who they authentically are so with this journey like obviously being at school being bullied having these experiences in north North London, finding yourself in America, not finding yourself, but moving to America to pursue your dreams. When do you think that confidence journey started? Do you think it was something that switched? Do you think it's an ongoing journey? Like what is confidence to you, I guess, in a way? Oh, okay. So many great questions there. So let's start with, so I'm, in order to be myself, it's very fascinating.

I'm so glad that you picked up on that. It was because Tom gave me permission. And what I mean by that is I was all my, like I put on my best clothes, right? And it's like, what do my hair? It's definitely not what I look like on a daily basis. And so I went into, of course, in the, you in the you know like okay don't eat too much Lisa you don't want to blow look as good as you can and Tom turns up and opens the door he's still in his work clothes we walk to his car it's a complete mess and I'm a little like clean OCD and we sit down at a restaurant and it's a b-rating and he just starts talking about sex and

God, and I'm like, who the hell is this dude? Like, I'm so used to North London boys who try to put on the airs and graces and be flashy with their cars and their cologne and, you know, do all the things, excuse me, and then a month later, they're not very nice people um and so Tom in seeing this I was so shocked it was so against what I was used to that when we sat down and he was just like oh so you agree with orthodox that's so cool he's like so you believe in God I was like yeah and he goes how come like you know why do you believe in God God I was 21 and never been asked that question before My answer was because my dad told me to. Wow. So as you were like saying that, I'm so right. Yes. Oh, hang on a minute.

Yes. And he didn't have any ulterior motive. There was no judgment behind it. None. It was so like, and so it's interesting because so many of us, I think, wait for someone else to give us permission to be ourselves. Yeah. And so it's interesting you pinpointed that because I don't think I would

have been if he hadn't come into that day like he was. And now going to confidence, here's the thing with confidence. I think people want to feel amazing about themselves when they try new things. And so when people say to me, Lisa, how do I get confidence? The very first thing I say is stop thinking of confidence as the end goal. It's not. Because let me tell you, if I ask you a series of questions, we're going to figure out what do you want confidence in? Well, I want to feel good about myself. Okay, but when? Well, when I go on a date. Okay, but why? So I can be comfortable to be myself. Okay. So you don't want to be confident. You just want to be able to go on a date and feel comfortable. That's your goal. It's not about feeling good about it. So for instance, perfect example is a TED talk that I did.

So petrified, not used to being in front of people. My whole background is creating content. So I helped build Quest Nutrition. I built the media department and now Impact Theory. So I helped build Quest Nutrition, I built the media department, and now Impact Theory. So I knew that my North Star was impact. So going back to goal, I knew what my goal was. It's impact. Okay. These other things that come with what we're not confident in can hold us back. So instead of focusing on how do I feel, I started focusing on what are the acts that

are going to help me get towards creating impact? Does public speaking help me create impact? Don't ask yourself how you feel about it, Lisa. Just say, I know my goal. I know my little star. I'm not conflicted. So does public speaking help? Yes or no? It's binary. And the answer was yes. And I said, okay, here I am right now, petrified to ever go on stage. It's like number one, I think, even before death of what people are most scared of. Public speaking. Public speaking.

So it's like, okay, so now I know going on stage is actually going to help with my mission and my goal. But it scares the hell out of me. All right. With no judgment, Lisa, what's more important to you? Feeling good about yourself all the time which means you better not go on stage or creating impact wow and I had to look at it that black and white so I wouldn't allow my emotions to convince me otherwise because here's the important part if I'd sat there again no judgment and said you know what I don't like how it makes me feel I don't like the fact that

I put myself in uncomfortable situations it creates anxiety I. I can't sleep. This isn't the life I want. Amazing. Now you know your decision of how you act. So in one year, five years, 10 years, when you are not in line with your North Star, you can look back and say, but I made the decision consciously to put my emotions before my goal. And now you can't, for me, I just won't beat myself up because I've made the decision with open eyes. It's when we don't look at the situation and we let the fear take over, we just don't address it. And then in a year, in two, three years, we look back and it's like, why am I not yet there yet? What the hell? It's because you made little decisions that actually took you away from your goal. So that's very easy to say.

It's very hard to actually do, right? Now I'm just like, okay, cool. So how the hell do you actually get on stage? Because it's one thing to decide and a very different thing to then do it. So I go back to what is confidence? It's just about me wanting to feel good about myself. So stop focusing on that. That isn't the end goal.

And I think it is, but it's absolutely not. What are the things I need to do? Break it down. I'm so logistical. So it's like, break it down. Okay. I need to get on stage and do a speaking gig. All right. What do I know? I'm sorry. Actually, let me step back. I'm so petrified. I can't even bring myself to saying yes to people. So what rule am I going to put in place that my emotions don't take over? All right, Lisa, I'm going to make a promise to myself. The very next time someone offers you a speaking gig, you're going to say yes. You cannot think through it.

So I literally told my team, the very next person that reaches out, I'm going to say yes. It so happened the next person that reached out was TEDx. I was like, oh, crap. Jesus Christ, throw me in the bloody deep end. Yeah. So, but I said yes, because I made a promise to myself. So now again, not getting in my own way, not thinking about how I feel,

not thinking about do I need confidence yet? I am becoming radically confident. And that's what the book is all about. That's why I called it. Because I have to stop focusing on feeling good. I just have to do it. Scared or not scared, you've got to do it anyway. Do you know what I'm just hearing, which is kind of like, I just have to do it scared or not scared you've got to do it anyway do you know what I'm just hearing which is kind of like I just love this podcast because I have all of these like

penny drop moments and what I'm hearing is like confidence is actually an emotion and I think it's described so much as a destination yes and it's like you don't say oh I'm not confident to do that you don't say oh I'm not happy enough to do that I'm not I'm not sad enough it's like, you don't say, oh, I'm not confident to do that. You don't say, oh, I'm not happy enough to do that. Or I'm not, I'm not sad enough. It's just used completely differently. And you're right. It's a debt. It's not a destination. It's an emotion. And when you recognize it as an emotion, we all get to choose how we feel at certain times. And yes, there's external environments and there's external factors which impact that but we also have a little bit of control there's tools that we can use and mindset stuff that we

can do around that so just hearing you change that narrative I think is really really powerful in that in saying that oh actually confidence isn't the destination and I always say as well like competence breeds confidence a hundred percent and I always say as well like competence breeds confidence 100% and like you say becoming better at things and learning like I remember the first podcast episode that I ever did I was sweating Lisa like Natalie was like we interviewed each other we were just doing audio at the time she was in the US I was in the UK and she's like okay I interviewed her which I felt good about I felt good about interviewing her and she's like okay I'm gonna interview you now and I said no no I've not prepped she's like we're doing it now you don't need to prep you know the answers they're within you I was like no no I need I need

to prepare I need to prepare she's like you don't we're gonna do it now I remember sitting on my hands and then being so sweaty but over time you know, been doing the podcast like four years now, that competence is there. So therefore the confidence is there. A thousand percent. And that's exactly it. It's like, well, how do you then build the competence, right? To your point is that competence does breed confidence. After a while, when you do things over and over and it becomes a habit, you feel better at doing it.

You feel less afraid because you know what's about to come, right? So that's what radical confidence is, getting started so you can create the competence. And it's the getting started that I realized I get in my own way so much with the negativity, the insecurity. I call it the bitch in my head. The bitch in my head is very loud. And she wants to talk to me and tell me all the things I'm doing wrong. And so I go, how do I not listen to her? So many people out there just like, be kind to yourself, be kind. I wish I could, but the voice doesn't. Like it doesn't change. So I go, cool. First of all, how do I use it as an empowerment? What is it telling me? And is it right? Because if it's telling me, Lisa,

you have no idea what you're doing on stage. You've never given a public speaking gig before. She's right. I don't know what I'm doing on stage. I've never given a public. So instead of trying to block her out, I go, cool, let me hear her. What is she saying? You don't know what you're doing. Thank you, voice. You're right. Now what can I do in order to be prepared? And so then it becomes the preparation, right? Apart from the speech itself, the emotion of how to actually step on stage. I know myself and I know how worried and afraid I would be to get started. And I know the competent part. So it's like, well, Lisa, how do I get started in the first place? And so it became the tools. That is exactly to me what radical confidence is. It's about creating a set of tools that you can use in those moments where you're petrified,

but you've got to do it anyway. And so what I ended up doing is I created a set of tools and a whole system of how I was going to get myself on stage. So it's like, okay, what do I know of things that allow me to feel good about myself? You mentioned when you first started the necklace, the Wonder Woman necklace. I have lent into this on purpose as a symbol of empowerment. It didn't happen by accident. I happened to have bought this necklace off Amazon one day and I was like, oh my God, it's so cute. And then I put it on. I was like, what if this could mean like my own superpower? And I repeat that in my head. Habit creates, right? Like habit makes all the difference. So I started to wear it more and more

and I was like, oh yeah, Lisa, you're like Wonder Woman. And I told myself that more. Same with the hair. Like the hair makes me feel like it's like me putting on my cape. Same with my jewelry. And so I go, okay, these are all tools that now I can use to empower myself to get on stage. To the point, girl, you're going to love this. I put on Supergirl knickers. Oh my God, you don't. That is the best freaking thing I've heard.

And no one knew. I put on Supergirl knickers. And before you get on stage, what happens, right? You get the freaking nerves and you end up like peeing. Oh my God, this is the best,

this is the best tip for anybody out there. Like, there's going to be women on stages across the world now wearing super woman knickers. Oh my God, I would love that so much.

Yeah, I've got back, I've now got, I've got my whole collection. I've got my back girl knickers. I've got socks that are Wonder Woman. Oh wait,

also knickers. They don't, they call them knickers in America. What do they call them? Underwear. Underwear. I've got my Batgirl knickers. I've got socks that are Wonder Woman. Oh, wait, also knickers. They don't call them knickers in America. What do they call them? Underwear. Underwear. Underwear. I was talking about underwear, you guys. I think they may know what a knicker is.

Oh, well, now they've carried that on. But that was the thing. I was like, okay, so every time I go to pee, the nerves of peeing for like the 88th time will make me even more nervous because I will start to get my own head and go, police, why are you peeing again? Are you nervous? Oh my God, you're nervous, right? Again, I just embrace how my mind thinks and what are the things I can put in place to become

radically confident so that it doesn't stop me. Do you think something happens when we own our fears? Yes. Yes. Because I'm hearing like you've, throughout this conversation, and I read this in your book, you are like, your bitch becomes your BFF. So that like part of your this conversation and I read this in your book you are like your bitch becomes your bff so that like part of your voice and I think this is just a really powerful message is that it's not about quieting anyone or anything down but it's like listening and owning it and being like oh yeah that person is here that voice is here and how do I support her yeah like do you think that bitch is also your inner child sometimes? Yeah, I do. Do you think it's that 10-year-old back in London being bullied?

Yeah, 100%. The inner voice to me is like the ego, right? It's protecting you. It's like, but you don't want to do that. Remember what happened when you were 14 and you did that, Lisa? Right? Like, so it's like, what are you thinking? Like, you're just going to get upset again.

Remember that sting? And so 100%. I've never actually thought of it, like what are you thinking like you're just gonna get upset again remember that sting and so a hundred but I've never actually thought of it like said those words but you're so right and now I just go to how do I use it to my advantage like and that's it because I tried to shut it down because everyone was like be kind to yourself and then what ends up happening right because I can't shut it down I know for worse about myself because I'm failing on the thing that is the thing that I think is the worst thing that's happening to me, right? It just becomes like this knock-on effect. So yeah, I definitely do that. And embracing that I was nervous to get on stage, embracing and just saying, all right, Lisa, it's okay. Like giving myself permission to go, it's okay. You've never been on stage before. Of course you're going to

be nervous. Remember when we all started something the first time going to school you know I like even eating when we were a kid it's not like you know I mean you've seen kids eat right they eat with their hands and they they're trying to eat the cake and they get it in their eye accidentally instead of their mouth but we don't all of a sudden tell the kid well you shouldn't eat them because you're just going to get it in your eye. Like learning to walk and all these things. So I just, I keep repeating these things to me. You're on stage for the first time. Of course, you're not going to be amazing. Of course, you're going to have nerves, but that doesn't mean you can give into them. And it doesn't mean that you can ignore them. So what are the things you can do in order to empower yourself

to get to getting on stage because I know competence breeds confidence and then the last thing is let's just remind everyone you only do one thing for the first time once and yeah everyone has to start somewhere I always think that when I look at experts okay I have a personal question for you then right so what do you think, following from this conversation, what do you think is the biggest thing that you have lacked confidence in that now has become your biggest weapon? So like something you would have never, ever dreamt of being. Get in front of the camera. Sorry. Yeah.

No, I want to hear. Why? Why would you not have like, yeah, okay. But here's what's interesting you look at my home videos i'm the one that's like at the front mom get put the camera on me but okay so when you fully like what age because i think this is really interesting because i okay i've just come back from hoffman and they talk about your true essence and like and when you're a child a lot of your true essence is coming out because you're not necessarily inhibiting or you've not got like the layers around it so okay so when you're like

you're like mind blowing right now you're so right yeah like it's it's all so you were in the camera then and then it's like the teenage years and the 20s go in my tears i used i actually have a i crept into my mom's room i remember this this so clearly. She had a photo of me. I must've been maybe 14 again. And it was a photo of me and it was from the side. And I was like, no one can, my nose looks huge. I was like, I can never have anyone see this photo of me. So I crept into my mum's room one day and ripped up the photo. So you're right. That initial, like being in front of the camera, having fun, being silly, entertaining was when I was around seven. And then when I was around my teenage years, I think I retracted

because I got bullied so much and teased. It was like, you just try and fit in, right? Like the ego just wants to soothe itself. So it's like, okay, how do you soothe itself? Don't stand out. Don't be the person that, you know, can cause it, create attention. And because I held back for so long, once I started actually developing my confidence through radical confidence, I then lent into things more and more. And so like even my hair, it's like I never would have had. I remember though, in school, I had a heart attack because I wanted to put it up in a ponytail and I was was so traumatized that I was going to get bullied and teased for putting my hair in a ponytail. Wow.

Because other girls weren't doing that and you thought you wouldn't fit. Because I was going to get made fun of, yeah. So that's why you want to know why I now wear like jewelry that's like bigger than me and hairstyle that is like odd. It's because I'm like, I actually have gotten to the point through my evolution, through my growth mindset, through getting comfortable with the things that are weird about me and getting comfortable with all of my insecurities and adequacies

and just owning them. I just learned into it. And so now when someone's like, oh my God, I hate your hair. And I'm like, okay, cool. Don't look at it. And I mean- It's not your hairstyle.

Yeah. Don't cut your hair like this. Yeah. I think that's really powerful like owning it and okay so let's say someone's listening to this they have crippling anxiety and a lack of confidence like hearing you know your journey as inspiring but also it can feel so far away for so many people like what is one step that someone can be like okay just gotta do this one thing that's gonna take me a little nudge further what do you think that first step is let's take a quick pause to talk about my new favorite all-in-one platform kajabi you know i've been singing their praises lately because they have helped our business run

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to do so because they are offering Boss babe listeners a 30-day free trial go to kajabi.com slash boss babe to claim your 30-day free trial that's kajabi.com slash boss babe yeah so you need to know your north star you need to know where you're going right so if it is i want confidence okay we'll stop right now and think about you want confidence in what and the things that i say is like you know some people about you want confidence in what? And the things that I say is like, you know, some people are like, I want confidence in telling my parents that I no longer want to study medicine and I want to go into being a stand-up comic. It's like that takes confidence to tell your parents that.

Okay, great. So now it's not about feeling good about telling your parents. It's about actually telling them. What if you're unhappy in your marriage? And like most people especially like because of covid like almost have had to been forced to speak up but so many people in relationships where they didn't have the confidence to say they were unhappy and so they spend years and years and years of their life in a relationship that they're not happy in and so how do you have

the confidence or in my terms the radical confidence to tell your partner you're not happy in and so how do you have the confidence or in my terms the radical confidence to tell your partner you're not happy because here's what ends up happening aren't we getting our own heads and now you've already projected oh my god i tell them they're not happy and then but then what does that mean what if they're not willing to work on the relationship what if they think that we are happy do we go to therapy what if they don't want to go to therapy does that mean we have to get a divorce if we have to get a divorce who gets the kids oh my god what happens to the house am i gonna die alone right and like our mind and then what ends up happening we're like well that's just too much to bear so i'm not gonna tell my partner in the first place i'm

unhappy so it's important to know what that end goal is so i need to talk to my partner about the fact that i'm not happy i need to tell my parents i need to talk to my partner about the fact that I'm not happy. I need to tell my parents. I need to talk to my boss and tell them that I feel like I deserve a pay rise. Okay, great. Then what are you going to do in order to get into having that conversation? It's not about feeling great about yourself. So identifying the end goal is so important. And then what I do, like getting on stage, I break it up. Because thinking about the big thing about being in front of an audience is so crippling that I just go step back and stop focusing on that. All right, what are the things I need to focus on?

My mindset. How do I get on stage? What are the things I'm going to do? So like with my Supergirl knickers, I listen to music. Because to me, I think it's so important to get your chemicals, the right exciting chemicals pumping. And so we all know, right, when we're upset or we've had to heartbreak, we listen to Sam Smith, Celine Dion. Adele. Adele.

She's great for heartbreaks. Yeah, right. And what does it do? It kind of pulls you into the sadness. But it works the opposite. Like, when you go to a club, I dare I dare you to like be wallowing in your own sadness like if you've got like a really fun song and you're with your mates and you're giggling so I go cool music's very powerful how do I what music is my hype song that I can listen to to get

on stage so if it's I want to talk to my boss what are you going to do to get yourself comfortable to ask for the meeting don't even, don't even focus on, I have to say these words out loud. Think about booking the meeting with your boss. Step one. Step two, what are you going to wear to the meeting so you feel good and confident? No, I think like the confidence is like doing the thing that you don't want to do in some ways. I want to pull like your definition of it in the book. Cause I thought this was really powerful actually. Also it's so you confidence, the ability to believe in yourself, even when you have insecurities are vulnerable or feel like total shit to a tool that can be strengthened, developed, or when necessary faked. And I think that's really powerful because it is

saying it's like the, it's the ability. I think it's the key word, the ability to do things, even when you're insecure, even when you're vulnerable, even when you feel like shit. I think like, this is such an interesting podcast for me because coming into it, I actually really had a different narrative of what confidence was in my

head. And I felt like I thought it was an emotion emotion or like no not an emotion like it was like a thing like it's the thing but now I'm like oh it's kind of like an emotion and a process like the doing the things brings me confidence like doing what I say I'm gonna do that gives me confidence like if I do something and I'm like, oh yeah, I'm going to, I'm going to send that email. And I actually send that email that does, that gives me the confidence. The result isn't what gives me the confidence. Right. It's the fact that you did it.

Exactly. And we, we negate that so much. We negate the fact that it may have failed. It may have gone wrong. But what did I learn from it? What can I, you know, like being proud that I did it in the first place. And that is a thing, especially us women. It's like we beat ourselves up for the results if we didn't get them. Instead of saying, I'm freaking proud

that I said that I was going to do it. So my TEDx talk, I think it's terrible. Like I look back now and I'm like, oh my God, I can see how uncomfortable I am. But I honestly don't care because I'm so freaking proud of myself, girl, that I got on stage in the first place. I put on my bad bitch boots

because that's another thing of my, like what are your clothes of items that give you empowerment? I like to call mine my bad bitch boots. Again, I've named them. That isn't by accident. They're just bloody leather knee high boots. But I named them my bad bitch boots again I've named them that isn't by accident they're just bloody leather knee high boots but I named them my bad bitch boots because when I go on stage I get my bad bitch

boots on and I zip them up right like all these things and your wonder woman medallion and your super girl panties like this is like actually really powerful because you are attaching empowerment to your belongings, which I think is really cool because then it's like, okay, I like, it's like a little, like cape that you put like a uniform. Okay, I'm putting my confidence uniform on. I actually have this with perfume. I always wear a perfume when I'm speaking or I've actually had this, it's a Jo Malone one, funnily enough, I was telling you this earlier, um, and that I've always worn since university. I had it for exams and then I always do it for like things I get nervous about. So if I'm speaking and it just, I don't know, I just, I, it just takes me back to this like empowered, like I can do this. I've got

this. And like you said, there's someone else can wear that perfume and it mean completely different thing. Those knee high boots, there's thousands of them made. They're not bad bitch boots to other people. They're bad bitch boots to you. And I think these like they're such simple tools that you can attach to anything. It doesn't have to be the nicest thing in the world or the most expensive thing. It's just what it means to you. And now I think, you know, Wonder Woman medallions and superhero panty sales are gonna go

hell yeah I want to ask like what is the biggest misconception that you feel like people make of you that I'm confident and this was actually honestly this is exactly how the book started so at this point I mean so a literary agent reached out to me like a year and a half ago. At this point, I mean, quest billion dollar company, impact theory growing at 42,000%. I mean, so I kind of think, all right, like in the business world, I'm not too shabby. And then my hubby, excuse me, literary agent reached out to Tom because he knew them. And they were like, does Lisa, like, would really want to consider Lisa to write a book. Would she be interested? So Tom walks into my office and he's like, babe, I just got like an email about, you know,

from the literary agent asking if you want to write a book. And I'm sitting there and I'm like on my computer. I'm like, oh, that's sweet. And I go back to work. And he's like, babe, did you hear me? Like what the hell? And I was like, yeah, I just said it was, that's very sweet. And he's like, you need to seriously consider this. And the first first words out of my mouth was was who would buy a book from me no yeah and so wait let's just get this straight so this because this is not that long

ago right a year and a half ago so a year and a half ago like you said you've built quest to a billion dollar company you've launched impact theory you've got impactful women you're like youtube like so many experiences and accolades under your belt and the idea still at this point of someone reaching out to you and asking you to do a book you're like no they didn't really want me to write a book yeah and the reason why i say it and i laugh is because I've done so much of the mindset once upon a time I wouldn't have recognized it and then but because I'm just it's about habit guys you have to be consistent I've been working on my mindset now like hot like no bs straight for maybe five years so I have these things that I start to recognize so literally as the words came out of my mouth, I literally was like, wow. And I even said this to him.

You noticed it. Yeah, and I was like, wow, that's interesting. I was like, huh, goes to show she's still there. All right. Look, I didn't beat myself up for it. I was like, oh, little Lisa's still there. The insecurity, bless her. You know, and so I just go, okay, well, what is it saying?

Again, she's the bitch and my best friend. She's telling me you've never written a book before. She's telling me you've never written a book before. She's right. I've never written a book before. She's telling me I better get prepared. So I better get prepared. And she's warning me, but what if this doesn't go well? And I was like, okay.

So sit down with it. Listen to her. What's my goal? Impact. All right. With this book, if it does well, create impact. Yes. Am I willing to give my heart and soul to it because it aligns with my mission? I had to sit with that as well. And I said, okay, yes. And it's like, okay, so knowing all of that,

if you release the book and it doesn't do well, are you going to beat yourself up? Like, is that going to be a make or break? And it's like, no because I gave it my all and that's so important knowing okay what is my north star what is a path I'm going to try try because failure is going to happen the second you try anything new anything yeah so I go okay I'm gonna it aligns with my north star impact it is absolutely going to be something that I'm going to, it aligns with my North Star impact. It is absolutely going to be something that I'm going to give it a shot because if it succeeds, it will definitely create impact in a whole different scale than the videos that I do. But what if it doesn't? What are the things I'm going to do? Before I've even written the book, I'm like, what are the things I'm going to do right now? So if the book tanks, I don't actually let this affect my self-esteem. And so I said,

what are the things that I know about myself? Okay. I can't control the final outcome, right? You can't actually know. It's like when you do a video or a podcast, you're like, oh man, that was fire. And then it doesn't perform. You're like, well, the public have spoken. So how do I become proud of myself? Because we so often hold our success to external validate also our feelings to external validation so if the book doesn't do well the world is saying it's no good and now I think of myself as less worthy if you will I can't have that that's that's a dangerous game to play girl that's just so dangerous because I've worked so much on feeling like being proud of myself. So I've put in the markers. All right, what is the thing that you're going to be proud of? Did I give it my all? Like,

did I show up? Because it has nothing to do with you, nothing to do with a book buyer, nothing to do with my community. Did I give it my all? Did I show up? Did I know? And we all know, right? We can convince other people, but when we're alone at night by ourselves, you know if you actually gave it your all or not. And did I have the right intentions? And so everything, I was like, yes, I had the right intentions. All right. Am I giving it my all? And so this book, you know, it hasn't released yet. And I'm so proud of it. And I'm like, you know what? Even if it doesn't do yet and I'm so proud of it and I'm like you know what even if it doesn't do well I'm gonna give myself a freaking pat on the back that I showed up in a way and that is freaking radical confidence I am obsessed with everything you just said that and it's so so true

and I think like permission to give ourselves confidence and I'm kind of like sad in some ways that we don't really teach this at school because I think self-soothing and self-praise is really really important and yet it's a skill set that a lot of us don't know and you know my journey of personal development my journey of mindset and it's taking me on this road around really understanding well why why can I not be proud of myself without the external validation like how can my bitch inside and be bff with my like you know we're saying in a child with my adult brain or whatever the two sides of everyone's personality are because I think it's really important we know we have those and we accept them and there's a lot of psychological studies on it and like then when I think you start understanding yourself more, there becomes this way that you can self-soothe

and self-love. But it's such a shame that it's not taught because I think if it was taught at an early age, then so many people would find more self-confidence, more self-reassurance throughout their daily lives versus getting to this point where we kind of got to in our 20s and beyond around like, oh, hang on a minute, like I don't have to do everything for everyone else all the time and they can still be happy and giving it my all is the best. And I wonder if that's like the grading system in some ways, you know, like, oh, I mean, I definitely was the kid who was like, oh, I must get an A star. And if I don't get an A star, I've done shit. Versus like, oh, well, I tried my best.

It doesn't really matter what grade I get. Like, I just tried my best. And that's what counts. Exactly. And that's the thing. It's like, what is that thing that's important to you? And then assessing why it's important. Is it because other people have put value to it, right?

Like an A star. Let's face it. At the end of the day, you don't need an A star to do a podcast. Are you good? Yes or no? Do listeners like listening to you? Yes or no? Right? It's like, it doesn't matter how good you may have done, sat there and done a test. And so assessing what is important, why it's important, who told you that was important and do you actually believe in it or not? Does it actually align with how you feel? Because for me, I realized I thought I needed the confidence to start something. And I was using that I needed the confidence to start something.

And I was using that as my barometer to start things and then realize I wasn't starting anything because I was petrified all the time. So going back to what is the actual thing that is meaningful to me? It is the action. It is not how I feel about it. And so because I've fallen on my face just so many times enough that I go, the action is all that matters. Because whether I fall or get up or not or learn or succeed, it all becomes a stepping stone in the right direction. And that

has become my path and my North Star on like making sure I'm repeating that to myself. Like every time I'm like, but I, you know, you have that bum's like, oh, I'm not there yet. Oh, I haven't done that. I just go, well, don't judge yourself, but have you actually done the acts to get you on the path in the first place, right? It's like people, let's say about the gym, for instance, people say to me a lot, you know, oh, I'd love to know your fitness and your, you know, your health regimen. I was like, I'll happily tell you. But now, like, I'm just giving you the information.

Everything comes, do you act on it or not? You know, are you actually taking those steps? Because it doesn't matter who's looking. It literally doesn't matter who's looking. Because at the end of the day, we all know it comes down to when we're alone, in bed, by ourselves, the voice in the head, what is that saying? Did you give it your best shot? Because that's what I go to now. It's like I try not to.

Every time I go to beat myself up as I'm like trying to fall asleep, I recognize it. I like flag it and I go, okay, you're beating yourself up because of X, Y, and Z. But did you do your best? Okay. Yes, I did. Was my intention pure? Yes. Amazing. So did, even though it didn't work out the way you wanted it to, what can you learn from that failure that you're just beating yourself up over that doesn't actually serve you, right? The beating up doesn't serve you. The listening to what it's saying does. I think as well, it's really important to recognize that confidence comes and goes like an emotion too. And I'm just like hearing that like sometimes, because just you saying like sometimes I'm like'm like oh I feel really confident in this thing that I'm doing whether it's a podcast

and then other times like oh I don't really feel very good on the podcast right now I feel like my confidence isn't there and like recognizing that it is that emotion we described earlier and it comes and ebbs and flows that is also okay too and like you say you can arm yourself with tools to become more confident in certain moments. And it's okay that sometimes confidence passes. Like that's also a big thing that I've been learning recently. I used to feel like emotions were good or bad. If you were happy, you were excited, that was a good emotion. If you were anxious and you were upset, that was a bad emotion. And what I've really learned more recently is that actually, no, emotions are neutral.

You just feel happy and you just feel sad. Happy isn't a good emotion and sad isn't a bad emotion. We have to have these spectrums of emotion to feel the polarities of them all. And I think that's the same with confidence sometimes. Like you're going to have times when you're really confident in something and other times when you're not. And that is okay because it comes in ebbs and flows. One tool that you speak about in the book is about

apologizing. And it's like, you live by two rules. I don't want to, it's something like- Always apologize and number two, never apologize. Let's talk about that because I think, when I was reading this, I'm like, mm-hmm. So let's talk about that because I know a lot of people listening will be like, yeah, this rings true for me. Yeah. Again, like a lot of what's in the book is really the conflict I've had a lot with myself because you see all this content out there, right? Love yourself. And I'm like, but I don't always love myself.

And so it's like, well, hang on, what would life look like if I just embraced that I didn't always love myself? And sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. And then, like, embrace that. And same with, like, apologizing. It's like, but sometimes I really am sorry. And so all this messaging is like, oh, girl, you shouldn't apologize. It's like, but what if you're actually sorry? Like, if I forget your birthday, if I don't do something, if I just don't text you or I'm rude to you accidentally,

as a good friend, of course you should apologize. We want apologies from people. We want from our partners if they've done something wrong. We want a bloody apology. And yet, I fear we are spilling into just don't apologize, own who you are. So to me, there's the duality of that. It's like, well, no, there are certain situations that if you expect an apology, if you actually have upset somebody and you didn't mean to, even if you acted on something, you didn't act, but you didn't mean to upset them, you should apologize. The problem with apologizing is it's now become part of our vocabulary, especially as women, for anything and everything. Oh my God, I'm so sorry I didn't do that. Right. And it's like, we're freaking running businesses. Who has time to do everything? And now what we're doing is by saying we're sorry,

I'm all about subliminal messages. Like what are we actually telling ourselves every time we say something? I'm obsessed with this conversation. Carry on. Because what are we doing we are saying we shouldn't have done something right like I am so sorry I didn't do this I'm so sorry I can't come here and it's like but if you're putting self-care that's like one that's very important to me if I'm having a self-care day and someone's pressuring me to do something I'm not going to say I'm sorry. I'm just like, because what am I telling myself subliminally? That what their needs are, are more important than taking care of myself. I'm very respectful. I'm very respectful, but I'm like, a self-care day is a self-care day. And if I don't appreciate myself for it, and also to be honest, and sorry to kind of flip-flop here, but also like, I would want that for my friends. I would want them to tell me, hey, look, I'm taking a self-care day, so I'm not going to be able to make it. Amazing.

Like, I don't want you to apologize for it. So there's that, like, fine line between when you should and when you shouldn't and what you're subliminally telling yourself when you're apologizing to people for every single thing that you do. I've got an experience and a learning with this, which I want to share because this was such a switch for me. So I'm not, I don't prioritize my emails, right? They're other people's priorities. They are not my priorities. My priorities are my to-do list on what is important for me in that moment. So I do not live by the zero inbox rule. I do not check my emails multiple times a day and I have no notifications on all my emails. So I go in when my emails are my priorities, but I used to, if something had been sat there for a little minute, maybe a day or two, or maybe a week, I'd be like oh I'm so sorry I'm late replying to this

or I'm so sorry it's taking me so long to get back to you and I changed that probably about a year ago to be like thank you for your patience yes and it was such an energy and just like you're describing there like such an energy switch because the sorry was implying I'd done something well I hadn't done anything wrong not responding to their immediate that was their priority not mine I'm like thanks for waiting for this to become my priority and that subliminal messaging also allows you to really stand in your power and your authority and also help my confidence because when I was saying sorry I'm late replying to this I felt bad about myself yeah I'm like oh my god I'm not very good with my emails like I'm it's terrible that I don't have zero inbox versus you know what I'm

owning emails are not my priority if you expect them to be you're going to be very disappointed I'm owning they're not mine it doesn't mean I'm bad at emails I'm just saying no it's not my priority and then also by saying thank you for your patience I was empowering myself to be like yeah you've rated for me and here's your answer now. No, I don't have to apologize that you've waited. Oh God, I love that so much. And that's so powerful in pausing, recognizing, not beating yourself up that you were just about to say, I'm so sorry, right?

Like every time, like literally right now, write down what are the things you're going to say instead of I'm sorry. And I actually have it in the book. I have some like little play words that you can say instead you do you have like I noticed that yeah so like instead of I can't even remember them off heart but it's something like I'm sorry I'm late it's thank you for waiting um instead of sorry I didn't get back to you it's um you know thanks for your patience basically everything so it's very powerful to pause recognize that

language and then shift it in something that is empowering um the thing that i find also very difficult though is when it's business i actually find it easier because i'm like well no business is business i've got my priority list i don't i do i create my priority list based on my goals my goals are my goals not yours so i don't expect you to abide by my priority list but if you're but someone has to and that's going to be me but when it's friends or family I find that really much harder what do you find hard about that um so for instance boundaries I used to apologize for my boundaries I was trying to set with my family and I think it's because I really care about their emotions and so sometimes they may not hear the words and so it's like well if you just apologize and you know soften the way the way that you're

putting the boundary together so now it's like it's not really a boundary it's kind of like this you know like loose line that you're trying to do but um yeah when like for instance if I I share a story in the book where I was really close to burnout, like really close. I was doing so much. I know myself. I've had health issues. And so I was setting boundaries on my time for me. And I was like, okay, this is how I'm going to handle the next week so that I don't break because I've got massive gut issues.

And so if I'm out for the count, I'm out for like four days. It's not just like, oh, a couple of hours. Like I'm actually for like four days. It's not just like, oh, a couple of hours. Like I'm actually out for four days. So I was very cautious and very careful about making sure I wasn't overdoing it. And one of my closest friends reached out to me in the moments where I'm working like 16 hours a day. She reaches out to me. She's like, I'm really, my dog is sick. I need to talk to you. And in that moment, I was like, okay, you know what it's like when you're about to get on a phone with someone that is going also through something emotional? It's hours and it's emotionally draining. And here I was literally trying to do everything I

could, girl, to just keep going because I knew I was playing a dangerous game with my health. I've been there so many times before. I was working crazy hours and I was like, I can't even be there for myself right now. I don't know how to be there for my friend. And so I was like, I had set boundaries in my head about, you know, when people ask for my time, I'm just going to say no very politely, but these are going to be my boundaries. And this was one of these situations where she was such a good friend that of course I was sorry I couldn't be there for her, but I had to stay firm on my boundary. And I had to stay firm on saying no and not apologizing for it. Because what am I again, you know, like, it's like this hard, really like freaking dynamic where it's like, I don't want to apologize for putting myself first, but I really am sorry that I'm not there for my friend. And so I had to sit with that for

them for that moment. And I had to really take all this information in. And I was like, okay, are you, her dog, it wasn't life threatening. So I just want to say that, that is also very important because if it's life threatening and my friend need, I would have dropped everything. So I sat there and I said, okay, your friend needs you. If you do that, what does that mean for yourself? It means that you do break. It means that you just can't sustain it. So it took me a while, like 30 minutes to like craft a text message. But I was like, I'm so sorry I can't be there for you. But right now I have to be strong and be there for myself. And so I cannot go, you know, I'm so sorry I can't, you know, text you. I can't call you back right now. Please give me the grace because I'm struggling too and in those moments it was very hard for me I wasn't sure whether I should apologize or not

that was the truth because I was like but if I apologize am I saying that now my self-care like isn't important but at the same time I want to be there for her so I had to sit there and go okay this is one of those dynamics that I like is a messy one but I am going to apologize and stay firm on my boundary I actually had this last night I was supposed to go to a like little Hoffman reunion with some friends that I met there and it was supposed to happen last night and I cancelled an hour before which I never do. And I felt really bad about it. But in my text message, I was like, Hey, I've had a really tough day and my energy is really depleted. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to make it because I have a podcast day tomorrow and I really need to restore and recuperate. And then I didn't I was like sorry and I deleted it but

thanks for understanding but and I also said to them like and I think this is what happens when you curate friendship groups of people who are doing the work in the sense of like you know that was a Hoffman group so everyone's been to Hoffman so everyone's aware of these childhood traumas or these child emotions that come up and I was was just like, prior to Hoffman, I never would have said that. I would have gone. I would have gone to that because I wouldn't want it. My story would have been, I'm letting people down. I'm not a good enough friend. They were all out of a lack of confidence. Whereas in this, I was empowered to be like, no, I'm confident who I am. I know I'm a good person. I know I try my best for everyone. And I know this shitty day took me by surprise. And if I'm going to show up in the best of my

ability tomorrow, I have to do some self-care tonight and have to go to bed early. And I have to not talk to everyone because I'm not an extrovert. I'm like bang on the border. I'm like an ambivert. And I know that for me, sometimes I have to restore but it did the the what was interesting is my instinct was to write sorry yes but I deleted it and wrote thanks for understanding because I'm like I don't need to apologize I really try and use my apologies um mindfully I think is the word now I love that so much And the reason why I think this is so important for us to talk about, because some people may go, but what's the difference? You're freaking right. I'm sorry. And get on with your day. It all stacks. Like I'm so freaking aware when I started to

really peel back the onion of why I think the way that I do, why I'm so insecure, why I'm always feeling like, like, oh my God, but I've got to be there for this person. Oh my God, I've got to be there. Well, if I don't do this and this person isn't going to like me, it's these little things. It's these tiny little things that stack up. And so I really do think, you know, once I started to pause and assess it, just like what you said about the text, it's like, would it have changed the world? You know, if you put, I'm sorry now, but over time it says something to you and how important you are to yourself. It's a self messaging more than anything. You're right. It's like, because it's, it's reflecting

your internal dialogue. So when you change the external dialogue, you're actually changing the internal dialogue. Oh, look at us having these moments. Because exactly what you just said, right? In the fact that you text that and now today you're like, yes, I put myself first. I put my energy levels, how I want to show up as priority over, will people like me if I don't go to this event? It's really, really powerful. Do you think, like, obviously this podcast has been all about confidence. And I noticed time and time again when we do these episodes and we're talking about confidence they're always some of our top

performing ones and it feels like the like feels like our audience I wanted to say the world I feel like women are craving more confidence like Like how do they get more confidence? Do you remember the confidence crisis? Do you think this was a problem 50 years ago? I don't know. I don't know if we would have caught it this, but let's face it, 50 years ago, women didn't have the space to do what we do now. Right. So it's kind of like, so actually this is a great,

I'm glad that you said that because I actually put this in my book. I was like, people right now may be listening. They're like, I want to start a new business, but I don't have the confidence to tell my family. I don't have the confidence to tell people because people are going to go, what do you know? Well, hang on a minute. What do you, you know, what's your education? Or you would just work, you know, my first job was a cashier at Burger King that actually is true my first job was that so imagine I come out of the Burger King I'm working at Burger King and I turn around and say yeah I want to start a studio right the amount of people who are like well you have no idea what you're doing doing but let me pose this question has ever anyone any human on earth ever said to a woman the very first

time they got pregnant, well, hang on a minute, you don't know how to have a baby. Oh my God, this is brilliant. Ever. Has anyone ever said that to a woman on their first time child? Yeah. How's your body going to know how to do that? Exactly. What do people say? Oh, you'll figure it out. Here's some books. I'll watch this TV show, listen to this podcast and you'll be fine. you'll figure it out. Here's some books. I'll watch this TV show, listen to this podcast and you'll be fine. You'll figure it out. But no one ever says that when it comes to anything else that we want to try and do. And so when I think about confidence and to your point about 50 years ago, I just don't think we had the stigma because no one was just like, well,

you shouldn't do that. But now we're trying new things and it's like, we're stepping out of our comfort zone. And because the world has told us, well, are you good enough? Well, hang on a minute. What's your background? We've now gotten, I think, into our own heads about, well, like, oh my God, am I good enough? Do I have the confidence to do? Oh my God, I don't feel good enough. Well, I'm not good. I mean, I mean, I had to quit to do that. And so all these thoughts start telling ourselves a narrative that we shouldn't try in the first place. But what I do is I go, oh, I'm totally inadequate. So what skill sets do I need to learn and build so that I become adequate? I don't beat myself up about being inadequate. And that's how you start things. That's how you

get in front of the camera for the first time. That's how you do a podcast for the first time. That's how you start a business for the first time. It's going, what don't I know? How do I break this down? And what can I learn? And so when it comes to everything we're saying, it is 100% a tool. Like you need the tools.

And that's what it like, like the radical confidence for me was such an important part because it's like, you just need the tools. And that's what it like, like the radical confidence for me was such an important part because it's like, you just need the tools. I think as well, like when people around you, there's two reasons people tell you, you can't do something. I think it's when they love you so much, they fear for you. So they like fear you into, they love you into failure in a way because they're scared that you can't do it and they're scared that you're going to try something different they've never done that they've not they

don't try it so oh my goodness if you try it you're probably going to fail because they've not they don't have the faith and it's not like faith in you it's just the faith in the thing quite often and it's so different and then I also think there is definitely a jealousy one that's like when people are like oh but it's like a mirror reflection of when you're trying to do something and it shows them their shadow side of how they feel about it. But I think the important in both of those messaging is to realize it's never about you. It's always about them. It's always about the person that's saying the thing to you. And it kind of takes this full loop in how we start this conversation around like self-reassurance, self-confidence, self-regulation of your own emotion and understanding, well, how do you give it yourself and going through all these processes

that we've just spoken about on this whole episode, like learning to self-soothe in that way. So you spoke about tools a lot. What are your top three tools that if someone is listening and you're like right these are like the best ones that you can really put in your toolbox to get yeah to get confidence all right the three tools um i feel like we've done so many on the podcast too. I know. I mean, and here's the thing. It really is, for me, what emotion am I feeling right now? So if I'm sad, am I upset? Acknowledging your emotion. Acknowledging your emotion.

Because then that's going to dictate what tool you need. Oh, I love that. So it's like, I need to put up a painting today. Amazing. So what do I need? I need a hammer and nail, but a hammer and nail isn't going to help you if you want to cut a piece of wood in half. So understanding where you are is imperative. I'm just saying, I love these analogies because this is so true. So carry on.

I love that. Like if you've got a job to do, you're going to need a different tool to do it. Yes, because what is that job? So for instance, when I need to show up somewhere, like I feel like good about myself or not even good because we're talking about not feeling good, but doing it anyway. So if I need to show up somewhere, like on stage, I go to the things that I know. So music helps me change the chemicals. It literally changes the chemicals in my body so I know that I so I have my hype song clothes um your morning routine so that was a thing actually you said something earlier where it's like oh it's seasons you said we are confidence

ebbs and flows so where are you did you sleep well are you tired are you hangry right like how many people all of a sudden seem like they're crazy and you're like, what? I've never seen this side of you. Oh, because you're hungry. Like actually it says, did I sleep well? Did I eat well? Because all of those things are going to make a difference to how you show up in whatever you're about to do. And so clothes for me is also a big thing. But going back to like, what do you want to show up? I do the opposite as well. So if I want to, for instance, so today I got my necklace,

I got my tight pants on, I got my Spanx. You look great by the way. Thank you, homie. But I've got my uniform on to make me feel good. But what if I don't want to show up as a freaking badass? Sometimes I just want to be a softie. Sometimes it's like I'm so wound up from the day's work that actually my goal is to soften and get a good night's sleep.

So now how on earth do I get a good night's sleep? Well, I can't be like all the time. So I go, I undress. I put on my fluffy Wonder Woman pajamas or I put on a robe or I put on my onesie because I know what state I'm trying to get into. So know what state you're trying to get into and then how are you going to, what tools do you need in order to get into that state? And all the things that I'm talking about is just the Lisa stuff, right? The Wonder Woman is the Lisa thing. What's your version of it? It might be, you know, a shirt from Target that you're obsessed with. Amazing. Now, you know, it may not be a song. It may be incense. You have incense burning, right? Because you're trying to

get your mind in a certain space. You have to test, you have to try things and you have to figure out what that is for you. So it's kind of like, it's not even like a one and done. It really is like, what's that thing for you? I think this is like such a powerful part though to it and why I think you wrote the book in many ways because the book is full of different tools and I think you know one thing through this conversation that I'm really taking away is like first of all confidence isn't a destination it's an emotion and when you acknowledge confidence or lack of confidence already you're making a choice to you know decide well okay because no one wants to choose oh I don't want to have confidence in this like that's not a natural choice that anyone's

like oh I don't have confidence and I want to choose confidence and then part of that I think is like what is an action step and you know your book comes out today the day that we're releasing this so we're recording it a couple of weeks before but you know it comes out on the day we're dropping this podcast because it has so many powerful messages in it and it isn't something we can cover in just a podcast episode but there are so many tools where to help people find that road because I think that path looks different for every single person some people are going to be listening to this today and being like oh my god I feel so empowered and other people are listening to this being like oh I'm triggered by this you know it's easy for them to say it's easy for that to say but I would

encourage you to see where that comes from which part of you that that comes from oh god that that's so strong and that's actually the thing about motivation, right? Is that even if people are listening, going, oh my God, this is great. When you are in those moments where you feel badly about yourself, this podcast isn't going to do anything, right? It's like motivation really does become, even like reading the book, it's like everything gets you motivated, but what are you going to do in those moments? So really what I love what we're doing here today and what I've done in the book is what is that version for you? Because in those moments, you need to know what your toolbox is that you're going to go to.

This isn't like the Lisa do what Lisa says. This is a, I freaking struggled. I didn't know how to get to my dreams, to live the life I wanted. I spent eight years of my life in what I call purgatory, the mundane, where I just supported my husband. And I didn't think I had the right to speak up and say what life I really wanted. And so when I look back at that and I go, I'll never get there. I'm never going to go there again. Why? Because I'm always going to want to speak up and say what is important to me. How do I do that? I have to gain the tool belt, the tools, the skills to get to where I want in life. And so I stumbled and I fell and I was like, I have no idea what I'm doing. So I called one of the chapters when the shit hits the fan, wear goggles, because the truth is the shit's going

to hit the fan when you try new things. And so what are you doing every time to protect yourself when failure happens and how are you going to get back up in your way, not in Lisa's way, but in your way? I literally have goosebumps. And also like just remembering like that toolbox is for that little girl inside of all of us. You have the toolbox for little Lisa who was bullied with her nose or braces or whatever and I have that for me like I had my own shit too and I'm like oh like it's the toolboxes are different for each and every single one of us but we get to have that to help those inner those inner girls through onto their next chapter versus like acknowledge not acknowledging that they're there I think that was the other key thing I'm taking away from this is like the acknowledgement of that inner child

inside all of us that you know was all the bitch the bitch that we need to make bffs and and that's just really empowerful all of this is ownership one of my biggest things that I've learned is when I when I own my feeling when I own my good things but also my bad not bad traits but my weak traits maybe let's call them the things I'm not as strong in wow man is that freeing when you don't have to be everything to everyone oh my god that was so powerful when you own your good things and also your weak traits like it is the most freeing and empowering thing because all of a sudden you just let go of all the other crap the need to be good at everything the need to please everyone you're like I am what I am and I'm really shit at emails yeah and that's the thing and then

just owning it goes well now do I want to get good at it yeah right it's like you can't be good at everything all the time and that's actually really interesting like I want to get good at it? Yeah. Right? It's like, you can't be good at everything all the time. And that's actually really interesting. Like, I want to know where it ever came from, where it's like, but that person's perfect. No one's perfect. Like, I want everyone right now to actually say out loud who they think is perfect because they can't find anyone. You can't find anyone. But yet, we expect ourselves to be perfect.

It's like the weird freaking roundabout that we all get on and we can't get off and so that's the point of like having saying that out loud and then saying but do I actually want to be good at it because why do we put pressure on ourselves to have to be good at everything I feel like what you just said that was really powerful you can't pick anyone that was perfect I've never thought about it like that like if I was saying no one's perfect but we accept them and we love them for who they are so we get to love ourselves and and all our imperfections I think like that's a really powerful thing so Lisa where can people get the book we're gonna drop it in the show notes too yeah you can thank you so much oh my godconfidence.com. If you want to get some of the amazing bonuses

that we have over there, we have some like, I can't remember which bonuses we're going to have at this point, but we've got a bunch of bonuses. Knowing you, they're probably freaking epic. That's all we need to know. Oh, actually this is release day.

Yeah. So everyone's got all the bonuses. So yeah, if you go over there and you get the book, you actually get nine hours class of me from impact theory university teaching about relationships confidence and being the hero of your own life um you get to download pdf and then the special events that i've got coming up you know what also i love about this book right it starts off 10 the no bs lessons on becoming the

hero of your own life. And you're so like Natalie and I for that. We are no fluff, no BS, just saying it how it is. And I loved that when I was reading the book. Like you open up about stories in here, stories about Gary Vee, the stories about you and Tom. Like it's a real, like you've just cut all the BS. Like you've been so real and raw.

And I really think this is like a message that women need to hear and also get to hear and I think it's you know you're at this point now in your life and but it's been a journey and I think I'm just so grateful that you're like you know extending the lessons that you've learned and are continuing to learn because none of us are finished products just like we said no one's perfect we're never always confident all the time like everything is a journey and I think it's just it it's not one of those books where you struggle to read it it's like one of those books where you're like oh shit I learned a shit ton there or hang on a minute I'm feeling a little bit down right now and then you pick up a chapter and then all of a sudden you're like oh oh I can do this I can learn this and I think that's what's

really cool this is also the type of book that you're like going to like read several times. Oh, thank you. I definitely hope to, uh, hope so. And yeah, it's, um, it's never a one and done. I mean, I've, you know, everything that we've been saying, we all evolve and grow and change. And so everything I'm talking about now in two, three years, I want to have evolved and listen back to this and go, wow, I've evolved since then. And so this book to me is really the guide and the blueprint to keep going back to no matter what you want in life. You want to make a change. Here is some very, very strategic tips on how to make that change. You want to go from, I've spent the last five years trying to build a business. And now I actually realized I really don't like

building businesses and I want to, you know, have stay home this is how you have the confidence to have those conversations to make that change in your life so it really becomes like the thing of every step because that was so important to me because I don't think of myself as one and done or like I'm there there's never like till I take my last dying breath girl yeah I want to be growing and evolving I love that well thank you so much for coming on the podcast um do you want to share your handles as well on social media so everyone can like one follow you to share all their amazing takeaways I um I just know there's gonna be so many people reaching out yeah that would be amazing so if you want to follow me

at Lisa Bilyeu on Instagram and TikTok um and then radicalconfidence.com if you want to get all the amazing bonuses but if you you want to get all the amazing bonuses. But if you just want to pick up the book, you can go over to Amazon or Target or any of those good places. And then just, it's, can I just say for a second, because we started with us talking about, I shared the story, I was like, who the hell would buy a book from me? It's so surreal and exciting that I'm here with you doing this because I was scared to even write it so now the fact that I didn't let that get in my way right the radical confidence that we're talking about yeah I did it anyway and it's all stepping stones so thank you girl I love that I always love

how humble you are too like I think that's the biggest thing like you everyone always looks in someone else's window through someone else's window it's like oh they have like everything together they must not have any of these challenges and that's never the case for any single one of us and I love that you're sharing that this has been a huge realization for you and I know it's going to be in Target and you're filming and for our UK listeners we were just chatting about like oh can we get it in WHith and how surreal that will be so um i just think it's um just so powerful and so inspiring to hear your journey so thank you oh my god thanks for having me thank you and if you're watching us on youtube i'm gonna do a

another link to a recording we did with mel robbins we were also talking about confidence and that was also a great episode to listen to. If you enjoyed this episode we would love it if you subscribed and left us a review. Let us know what you enjoyed, what your main takeaways were and who you'd like to see appear on the show. As a special thanks we'll send you a copy of our Boss Babe 25. Now this is an awesome resource. It's the 25 essential things that you need for personal and professional growth. We've included everything from must-have products to books to rituals. This guide literally covers it all and I know you're going to love it. So if you want your copy, simply leave us a review

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