the bossbabe podcast - 271. That Sucked, Now What? Neeta Bhushan on Overcoming Hardships, Motherhood + The True Meaning Of Resilience

Episode Date: January 31, 2023

As part of the human experience we are sometimes faced with terrible moments in life so gut-wrenching it seems as though we may never find happiness again. Can you relate? Oftentimes, if viewed through the right lens, beautiful opportunities can arise from horrible tragedies. Join Natalie for this heart-filled conversation with Neeta Bhushan, author of the new book, That Sucked. Now What? The title says it all about what Neeta is sharing with the world – her wisdom and insight on getting over the hard moments in life, of which, she’s overcome many. But it wasn’t all bad – all the time, which is part of what makes her story so unique. At a young age, Neeta made her way through dental school and grew a successful practice. She had it all, until she realized she didn’t. If you’re struggling with the “sucky” moments in life or navigating major change, this is the episode for you – we can all learn from her honesty and deep personal insight. Highlights: How motherhood changed Neeta’s definition of being “tough” after losing her mother, brother, and father all before she turned 19. The day her life shattered in a million pieces – and how she used “The Bounce Factor” to pick them back up.  How to practice leaning into discomfort to build resilience (so when the big things happen, they won’t seem so big). Links: Shop Neeta’s new book and affirmation cards — That Sucked. Now What?: How to Embrace the Joy in Chaos and Find Magic in the Mess Stream Neeta’s podcast — The Brave Table with Dr. Neeta Bhushan Follow: Instagram: @neetabhushan bossbabe: @bossbabe.inc Natalie Ellis: @iamnatalie

I never knew what joy could actually feel like. And I never knew what the opposite feeling of that could feel like because I'm like, oh, wow, I'm for the first time really experiencing this fullness of joy. I don't think I've ever really experienced for a prolonged moment in time. A boss babe is unapologetically ambitious and paves the way for herself and other women to rise, keep going and fighting on. She is on a mission to be her best self in all areas. It's just believing in yourself. Confidently stepping outside her comfort zone to create her own vision of success. Welcome to the Boss Babe Podcast, a place where we share the real behind the scenes

of building successful businesses, achieving peak performance and learning to balance it all. I am your host for this episode, Natalie Ellis. Okay, so me and Danielle were in Napa a couple weeks ago for just like a very informal friend's mastermind. It was phenomenal. We had such an amazing time and I feel like I'm still integrating all of the lessons learned. And I also feel like right now I'm in a place where I'm really starting to find the balance, you know, the balance that people talk about between business and motherhood, ambition, and all the things, finding your feet again after having a baby. I feel like I'm in that place now and I'm finding a really good rhythm, which is great because in the beginning,

I was like, how am I going to find this rhythm? Is it ever going to come back? And it really is. It's brand new. And I feel like I'm integrating my new self with parts of my old self and creating a schedule that really works for me, finding a rhythm in my schedule, getting clear on what my boundaries are, what my priorities are. And it's been feeling really, really good. It feels great to be working from a place of being energized and feeling creative versus feeling stretched and burned out, which is definitely how I felt when I came back to work. After my maternity leave, I felt like I just was ending the day with an empty cup and I just wasn't sure how I was going to navigate again. So taking a step back and taking a breather has been so supportive and it's feeling really great. So that's the life update. And then diving into this

episode, this one is amazing one with a friend of mine, Nita Bhushan, who is also a fellow mom entrepreneur. She is an emotional health educator and an executive performance coach to global leaders and CEO, as well as thousands of women from all walks of life. She's actually been a speaker at Women Economic Forum and Google. She has a really interesting personal story, navigating death, cancer, domestic violence, divorce, overcoming a lot of things, which led to the book that she's releasing right now called That Sucked, Now What? And it's all about those really hard moments, those really difficult experiences where it can feel like you're never going to get

out of that rut or that dark place. And she talks tactically about how to do it because she's navigated so many of what you would call sucky moments. And so I think you're really, really going to love this episode. And we also talk about balancing motherhood with ambition as well, which is something that's so top of mind for me as I learned to navigate and figure it out myself. So I know you're going to love it. Let's dive straight in. Welcome to the podcast. Oh my goodness. I'm so excited to be here. So what I'm really excited to dive into with you is, you know, I think for a lot of people, given the state of

the world and where we're at right now, it feels like we've been through a lot, just as a world, we've been through a lot. And there's so many listening, they've been through their own moments of a lot, chaos, you know, deep transformation, soul seeking, all of the things. And one thing in your new book, That's Up, Now What, which is out now, very excited about it. You talk a lot about being able to come through something, learning the lessons, building the resilience. Why is that important? Why is the resilience side important? Why can't we just learn, come through it and get going with it? And just get going, just keep going. So I mean, the title in and of itself, right? That sucked. Now what? For me, it was such a personal, personal title. And yes, it's edgy and it's all of the things. But

I think for me, even in the saying and what I actually, this came about when my son, who's now four, he was two years old, but this whole entry into motherhood really broke me open completely in ways that I could never imagine. And this was like, okay, that sucked. Because in my mind, everything was not going as well and not going to plan and figuring out what my identity was during those times and not even knowing I had severe postpartum depression during that time until I actually went on the other side. We were just talking about it on my podcast as well. And so this whole idea of, okay, having a mantra, having an anchor, and I just started saying it like throughout this whole process of having a toddler who's two, feeling all of his emotions, like fully being that wiggle worm and like breaking down and flailing his hands and his head on the floor and his legs.

And for me in those moments, I felt the need for my own reparenting because I had to grow up so fast. I had to, I went through a tremendous loss that for decades I would not even face head on because I was like, nope, I'm going to, I was taught very young that resilience meant toughness, that resilience meant, nope, we're going to button everything up and pretend like everything's perfect and shove it under a rug and avoid or numb and focus on your school because that's what we need. My parents were immigrants. My dad was from India. My mom was from the Philippines. So, you know, this whole idea of like this work hard ethic was instilled very, very early. And the idea that we have to, you know, do and get these accolades and all of the achievements and the piano lessons. And so it was a lot. And it was, you know, a lot of this, this really big loss of losing my mom, my brother, and my dad all before I was 19. I kept a lot of that really hidden because I didn't want to be

considered different. And this was the mantra I grew up with. Like resilience means you're tough, Nita. So there's nothing to cry about. And so I remember even at my dad's funeral, you know, this was after losing both of my mom and my brother within a span of these four years and now losing my dad, which we were so close. And he had this 10 month battle to, you know, lung cancer. And even at his funeral, I just remembered I was trying to hold back tears so much. And I mean, I wasn't told ever, it's okay to cry. You're so safe. It's okay to break down. So fast forward, when I got into my own journey of motherhood, seeing my kid just like lose himself in this like swath of full emotions, I needed to stop myself because the part of little Nita just wanted to be like, no, Ari, you're strong.

Stop. Stop it. Stop it right now. And I needed to then catch myself. And for those of you who don't have kids or have never been around a toddler, it's hard to do that because they're going to be showing all aspects of their emotions a lot. So this was my constant practice for probably, I don't know, three, four times a day during the twos. And that's when that mantra, okay, that sucked. Now what? It just came into my mind.

And it begs the question of me asking a different question of what does resiliency actually mean? Because I remember vividly when I first had my full awakening and my deep despair, my dark night of the soul, and that was going to probably forever change my full trajectory. So you can imagine having gone through all these losses before 20 and then heading into my 20s thinking like, all right, I got this. I've got, you know, my parents parents always said legacy is big, success is big, education is big. So I went to dental school, had this whole trajectory into dental school. And then I would be probably one of the first in my class to get a practice early on. So

all of these things, I'm like, all right, I'm on the right path. I didn't even know what the word healing was, but quote unquote, I'm good. I'm good. Yeah, that stuff happened to me, but I'm tough. I'm tough as nails. And so, well, what I didn't fully heal is my love relationships. In fact, I was sucky at all of that. I was good at building this outward toughness and mental resilience or what I thought that even meant at the time. But then I would get into this incredible, now I say incredible, but it was absolutely painfully horrific and hard and tough and would bring up so many dark emotions that I never allowed myself to feel. In fact, again, hiding, burying it, shoving it under a rug, making sure I was doing the next biochem class or the next thing or putting it all into work,

like how a lot of us high achievers do. I didn't want to face the suck. I didn't want to face, all of that. And so I was this glass or this granite that on December 31st, I literally broke down in the craziest way. I mean, I was in a haphazard first marriage. And that's when I looked in the mirror that day and I said, I don't know, who am I? Like, who is this girl who has the seven-figure dental business on the outside, has built all of these things? You know, my family friends would be like, you should be like, Neeta, look it, she went to dental school, she raised herself, all of these things. And for me, I'm just, I'm breaking down and finally allowing myself to wail, scream, cry, because I knew the gravity that I was in in that moment to then say, okay, I need to pick up all of my pieces because I

thought what resilience meant to be tough and as hard as glass. But that day, my glass fully shattered into a million pieces that I had to fully pick back up. And so then in my 30s, it would be this whole host of relearning and really, truly diving into a whole slew of personal growth, healing, therapy, because all of that, I kind of did like the therapy part when I was younger, but you don't necessarily do it for yourself. You're doing it because crisis people in high school want to make sure you're okay. They need to tick the box. And when we take personal responsibility, which is what I talk a lot about in the book. And one of the frameworks in the book is called the bounce factor. And for me, in the point of my 30s, really redefining what resilience meant, that it could actually mean that you're soft like a ball, that it could actually mean there's a

little bit of that flow, a little bit of ebb and flow, kind of like what we see with these beautiful aerial yogis and dancers and gymnasts where they can just ebb and flow in their body. Yet we're taught that resiliency has to be so tough. And fast forward in seeing my two-year-old break down in this way, like, yeah, he can have all of the feels and all of the feels were so valid. And so that gave me this new definition of resilience. I've never heard resilience described as you can be soft like a ball and still be resilient. But that speaks to me so much because I very similarly, when you deal with a lot, you just seem to get tougher and tougher and put all this armor on and you think the armor is actually supporting you. And sure, it might be what you

need to do at the time. Sure, it might be the coping strategy that you know best because you might have seen that happen. But the minute you take the armor off and you go through it, that's when you build up the real resilience. That's when you build up, I want to say, trust in yourself that you can handle big emotions. You can handle situations that feel so out of control and you can get through it on the other side and pull yourself back together and button yourself back up and be able to come out of it stronger, but not in that kind of tough way, but in a way of like, I trust myself to go through hard things.

Yes. Oh gosh, absolutely. And this, you know, this bounce factor, because I wrote my first book in 2016 and it was all about emotional grit. And I thought I was going to connect the dots of everything that I had been through. And I interviewed, you know, so many different leaders around what their definition was of success and what contributed to their success. And the number one answer for everybody

was resiliency. So I was so fascinated because I'm like, okay, well, resiliency. In Latin, it is the ability to bounce. So it's not that we have to just be, you know, resilient in Latin means to bounce. So it's not that we have to be really tough, but if we actually remember that a basketball or a tiny little ball that you'll probably be giving to Noemi at some point, I give it to my kids all the time. When we let it go, it bounces. It bounces. Sometimes it bounces high. Sometimes it bounces low. But if we can take that metaphor and say, okay, there's four parts now that I've, you know, kind of in my research and just having all of these conversations, what actually comprises of resilience. And now it's the first part is your upbringing because so many of us, and which is why I'm so fascinated about human

dynamics was it's based on, well, were we able to have those conversations at the dinner table? Were you treated differently with your brothers or your male cousins than you? Different cultural nuances. You know, my mom's family is from the Philippines. So there's a lot of matriarchs who are very strong. And you don't necessarily know that about Filipinos, but that's it. But with Indians, you know, it's the men, it's very patriarchal, right? And so that was something that was big in my upbringing before I became a child caretaker at 10, right? And then we get into your emotional capacity to feel.

Are you allowing yourself to feel some of the dark emotions that like for myself, I kept in a closet for at least two decades until there was nowhere to put it. It got so overwhelming that I'm like, I just need to leave this relationship. And literally being able to say it out loud and acknowledge like, oh, wow, I said it. Okay. I said that I am in an abusive relationship. And those words coming out December 31st, I'm like, okay. So it's the beginning when we start to actually allow ourselves to feel the gravity and the depths of that. That is huge. And then when we get into, you know, your environment, your good stress, which is the third part of building your resilience, that third part is all about, well, what's your current environment look like? Are you actually setting yourself to be complacent?

And I know in the work life and all of the things that go on with this generation of quiet quitting that comes up so much. We were just talking about it earlier. And if we are not testing ourselves, if we aren't challenging ourselves, how are we going to grow so that when something really big does happen, when something really pivotal does happen, are we able to integrate that? Are we able to sit and embrace what I call the suck? Because it's going to suck. A breakup, a betrayal, you betrayal. You didn't get the job that you wanted. You didn't get the gig that you worked so hard for, all of these big things. Well, how are you

activating that good stress? And that good stress can look like in a whole slew of things, but that's the third part. And the fourth part is our radical self-awareness. Like, are we actually taking the time to tune into what really feels good right now and what our body actually needs? And for me at that point, that dry heaving of like, you know, the crying and the, you know, and that happened quite a bit, even when I was pregnant with my second. And then Ari was, my son was just like doing his whole thing. But for me, it was allowing myself to feel and even regulate my nervous system because I grew up with such chaos. I grew up with such messiness, but to then have a new relationship with it because now that messiness looked like sleepless nights. It wasn't a gut wrench

punching feeling that like, oh shit, somebody's going to die tomorrow. So I could actually then embrace sometimes the small T traumas and the big T traumas and have a whole new perspective of what I had just because you're on the other side of something. Let's take a quick pause to talk about my new favorite all-in-one platform, Kajabi. You know I've been singing their praises lately because they have helped our business run so much smoother and with way less complexity, which I love. Not to mention our team couldn't be happier because now everything is in one place, so it makes collecting data, creating pages, collecting payment, all the things so much simpler. One of our mottos at boss babe is simplify to

amplify and kajabi has really helped us do that this year so of course i needed to share it here with you it's the perfect time of year to do a bit of spring cleaning in your business you know get rid of the complexity and instead really focus on getting organized and making things as smooth as possible i definitely recommend Kajabi to all of my clients and students. So if you're listening and haven't checked out Kajabi yet, now is the perfect time to do so because they are offering Boss Babe listeners a 30-day free trial. Go to kajabi.com slash Boss Babe to claim your 30-day free trial. That's kajabi.com slash Boss Babe. That framework, what you've just walked us through is

so powerful and there's a couple of things i want to dive into here because it kind of sounds like you've had two big windows where you've been you've walked through to meet a new version of yourself and it sounds like the first time was december 31st looking in the mirror and another time you mentioned was motherhood your journey into motherhood and what I really want to highlight here is you don't just have one dark night of the soul and then you're good no no this is an ever ever expanding journey into being the most full version of ourselves experiencing the full human experience as much as we might not want to that's kind of the path we picked and that's where we're at. So talk to me about that first window and then I want to go into the second

window. What did that look like for you and what kind of decisions did you need to make in order to step into what was next for you? Oh, yes. So when we have a fall and I call it a fall because it is sometimes literally a fall in life. Like we get into a medical, a car crash, an accident, something, or maybe it's a metaphorical fall where for me, it was this really big decision of, am I going to stay or am I going to go? Am I going to let people in finally, or am I going to pretend that everything's okay? Because that's what I was taught in this like performative vibe. But I knew I couldn't hold it in and I couldn't hold it back for that long anymore. And that's when you're faced with this like ignition. And ignition is another thing I talk about in the book. It's part of like this whole idea of how to fly forward past sucky moments and you know it's part

three of the book after like in the now what all right that sucked but what's now what like what are you going to do next and for me and those pivotal decisions that we make I mean it was okay am I going to even tell my brother, my brother who we've been through so much, is he going to finally know? And guess what? I didn't have to tell him because the closest people to you, they already know, they suspect and they want the best for you. And for me, it was listening and deeply listening to friends that had like planted seeds and says, you know, they said like, Nita, we want the best for you. Like whatever it is that you need. And basically you'll see that angels start to come into your life in forms of people, guides, mentors. And we just have to

say yes. And then we get into this idea that I call the rising stage, which is like stage three of flying forward is rising is going to be hard. Rising is going to be like fully leaning into the suck because it's uncomfortable. That means you might have an uncomfortable conversation. That means you might have to, like in my case, appear in court in front of a judge, in front of people that you don't know and actually do really hard things. Like for me, get a restraining order. And then it was basically packing everything up and leaving everything that I knew about this life that I had with this person, the friendships that we had built together in this community, all of the things. But it actually gave rise to a very new identity that was starting to be born at the same time. And I just didn't know because you're kind of like one foot out and one

foot in because you're unsure. And that's what I talk about in the book is how to actually embrace the duality of both of those feelings, especially in the rising stage where you're curious because you finally said the hard thing and you're finally asking for help, yet you're reserved or you're skeptical because you're like, I don't know what's going to happen. This is where we embrace the uncertainty because the uncertainty is so beautiful, yet scary at the same time for so many people. And I want to just point out that that's where the magic lies. My subtitle was called How to Find Joy in Chaos and Find Magic in the Mess. But the magic is there around us. Yes, when we are going through something painful and sucky, it's hard to find it, for sure.

We're feeling resentful. We're feeling hurt. We're feeling defeated. And all of those feelings have a place. Yet in that rising stage, that's when we lean into the discomfort because we're building that good stress, right? And then when we get into magnifying, we're like, okay, I'm a novice again.

I'm a beginner again. Maybe for me, it was maybe I'll go on dates. Maybe I'll say yes to myself. Maybe I'll do this whole self-discovery. I was celibate for a few years. I needed to really heal my heart and focus on my own self-healing and deep healing and spending time with shamans and healers and Reiki and, you know, from somatic practitioners to, I mean, I just went all in and all out into

the point of figuring out your business. I was a hustler since I was 16 because I had to work three jobs. I started businesses when I was really young to actually get approval from my dad, right? And so that part was easy for me. What wasn't easy at that point was rebuilding confidence in what is this new avenue and way going to look like? So for me, it was saying yes to things that scared me, like improv, like standup comedy, like getting out of my comfort zone. So I can build a new community and find friendships, but also not be afraid of sharing my voice and truth, even if it had to sound funny. And I was never, that was never my intent to be like, you know, a comedian. And I don't think I am, But what it did was it gave me permission to be unapologetic.

And so that then leads to thriving and thriving just means that, okay, you are willing to pay it forward. And in that moment for me, it was, I'm going to say no to dentistry. I've built this thing up. I've loved this. I even, you know, built real estate. I bought the building that this was in. I even committed to expanding it. All of these things were going in the right direction of like, why would you ever sell something that you worked so hard to build? And for me, it was like, I don't know, because my ayahuasca journey said to, after three days, this was, you know, envisioning of it. But on a serious note, it was, I always knew that, okay, this was just the first step. And when you get so unapologetic about your own healing, I mean, you know this, the doors open

massively. We just have to lean into it sometimes. And that's going to be the sucky part in order to fly forward. And that led me to meeting my now husband because we traveled all over the world. And then, you know, our two kids. Yeah. And so much of that really speaks to me. I even think about my own motherhood journey and going through postpartum anxiety and depression, what I realized in one moment, I was really, really in it and feeling it. And I just went outside and sat on my own. And what I realized is I was resisting so much. I had a lot of thoughts and I was pushing them to the back of my mind and I wasn't allowing myself to feel them. One of the thoughts was I really liked my life before and I would catch myself thinking it and I'd tell myself, well, that's really selfish.

Are you saying you don't love your baby? Are you saying X, Y, Z? And I was making it mean something and I was making myself wrong for having a thought. Whereas in that moment, I remember sitting in that chair and really just breathing in the fresh air and allowing the sunshine to to bring me into presence and I thought what if I don't make myself wrong in this moment what if I hear that you really liked your own life okay that's okay doesn't mean anything and that allowing just just felt like comfort in my body and yeah going through that and allowing thoughts that may feel challenging to persist

or going through things that you feel like, is this wrong? Is this bad? It can really get you to a better place. And it's so true. If you resist it, it's going to get louder and louder and louder. Until you pay attention to it, finally.

And everything changes. And talk to me about your motherhood journey too, because I know we've touched on it, but what happened for you that kind of changed your identity so much I feel like every everyone I speak to that has had children instantly speaks of the identity shift and you hear it but then when you get it you get it so what did that look like for you oh my gosh yes it was it gosh, yes. It was so many feels. I mean, like I said, I never knew what joy could actually feel like. And I never knew what the opposite feeling of that could feel like because I'm like, oh, wow. I'm for the first time really experiencing this fullness of joy that I don't think I've ever really experienced

for a prolonged moment in time while it was hard, while it was sleepless nights, while I was judging myself in all of the ways, while postpartum anxiety was definitely a big, huge thing for me. But joy was this constant because for the first time ever, it wasn't a lot of this like uncertainty of like, who else is going to go? What else am I going to be called to do, needing to do? Like I grew up so fast. And so to see the contrast on the other side where it's like, okay, Nita, now you're responsible for this kid. This is it, but it's not going to be as crazy as what you grew up with. Like now, while my nervous system was activated on a different level from lack of sleep, it wasn't this prolonged like serial trauma that I was exposed to. So there

was that that I needed to integrate, which felt very different, which is why even the idea of the book, the idea of even the podcast really started coming up when I entered motherhood because I'm like, okay, that's what people really talk about when they're actually talking about joy. And at the same time, there was this whole thing of like, whoa, okay, I'm not this person who is this angel investor who goes in, who partners up with other people, who is this, you know, also the supporter who like, what, what, like, what am I doing? You know, and you're constantly questioning because there is, and why am I doing this? Because, and then you're, you're judging yourself because you're not really, you're figuring out with motherhood and every day is a new day. And, you know, the confidence isn't really there. And then I had to really reconcile

my own feelings about my mom not being there and even allowing myself, that was a big thing, but allowing myself to receive support and nourishment and care because I've always been the gatherer. Like that is my superpower. Like I am great at community building. I'm great at bringing people together because I had to at 16 years old, getting people so that I would not feel the gravity of what I was actually going through, you know, in my home personal life. Yet this was the time where I couldn't pour into anyone else except for my baby life. Yet this was the time where I couldn't pour into anyone else except for my baby physically. And I needed to allow and I needed to ask again to say, okay, I need, I need the support and not actually even fight it. Cause that's where

postpartum depression came in. It was like, oh, you don't need my support, but actually reframe it in a way where it's like, no, Neetha, you are going to, you need to be supported right now. Like with Ari, I only took two weeks off. I know it's so crazy, but I get it because I thought my identity was attached to how I show up for people and how I show up for my team and taking, you know, at this time it was like coaching calls and leading this for our community. I can do that from the bed. They'd understand. And I remember getting these messages from, you know, some of the professional moms in our community. And they were like, don't you need to take more time? And I'm like, no, I got this. Trying to be the smarter, trying to be the superwoman. Well, fast forward to having Isla, my daughter,

it was a whole slew of things in and of itself. I wanted to do things differently. I took the two months off and it was really hard to do because you're just, you're figuring it out again. In this case, now you have two and there is a lot more that yes, you've kind of dealt with in the first time depending on like my birth was it was all of the feels the first time around but then the second time things came so easy with isla like she came out in like four hours basically literally but yet i still needed to have that time and that peace and allowing my husband, Ajit, who is so supportive, fully in and really saying, okay, and delegating and saying, okay, this is where I need your support. And I

can't say enough about the shedding of the layers of the identity piece because it's like unraveling, you know? It's unraveling to find the old you, but the new you. Isn't it an interesting way of describing it? Oh gosh, it's beautiful. And I love it because some parts of you kind of like die off and you're like, oh yeah, that mega hustler, she doesn't have to be that way anymore. It can be a little bit more, you know, soft and it can be fun.

It can be playful and it's not you have to have all of the schedules all at one time because and it's really embracing that messiness in the magic and the chaos because that's sometimes like that's how our house was in the very beginning you know like physically and then so then you're like, okay, mentally, emotionally, I'm a wreck. And guess what? That's okay. Yeah. And in the allowance of like, yep, that's okay. Like I can be mad one second and happy another second and to have all of those feelings and to allow it to breathe and to live. I think that was such a huge, a huge one this time around. Yeah, I agree with that so much. And it's very interesting when you become a mother for the first, second, third, eighth,

tenth time, you need support. Yes, can we do all the things? Yeah, sure, we can. Should we? Probably not. Because it's going to catch us up at some point. All of the things we stuff down, they're going to come out at some point. A lot of what you talk about, it's going to catch us up at some point. All of the things we stuff down, they're going to come out at some point. A lot of what you talk about, it's going to come out.

And for me, that was really interesting because what I noticed when I had this unraveling of the old self, I realized a lot of the old self was layers I put on because of what I'd been through. And I almost envisioned myself coming into this world as my, you know, the pure energy that babies are. And the way I think about it is I start putting coats on, you know, I put a coat on that told me like, I wasn't good enough. So let me prove myself. I put a coat on that told me people abandoned me. So let me never abandon myself. I kept putting these coats on. I kept putting armor on. I was strong. I was resilient. I was direct. I was tough. And when I was in my postpartum journey, the unraveling,

I was taking these coats off and I was coming back to the authentic version of myself. And that's what's powerful when you allow it, because if you don't allow that support, not just, I'm not just talking about motherhood, but when you go through anything, if you don't allow that support, not just, I'm not just talking about motherhood, but when you go through anything, if you don't allow that support, you're just holding those coats on. You're just holding onto it so tightly that you'll never allow yourself to fully move through it. And when I did that, it was the most powerful thing. And I think it also showed people how to show up for me. My husband loved that he could actually get in and be there. And he was so used to me being so independent and taking care of things. And he was like, wow, she needs me. And it changes everything. Oh my gosh. Because people, especially in your inner circle,

like they want to be able to support. They're kind of like, let me in, you know? And for those that are like, let me in. Those those are like your those are your gems those are what i call your soul support posse because you see who shows up for you and who doesn't absolutely say that that is so true and that you want to cultivate deeper meaningful relationships with because you're like okay you get it you see me it's not a performative thing and you accept me for where i'm at in my crazy and in my thing. I didn't realize how many memes I saw of like the crazy mom, you know, and it's like a whole thing. I'm like TikTok of like, and I'm like, but it's true, but why can't it just be normal that like we have

the variance of all of these big emotions? Cause it is so big. And for you, I love the whole, the armor and like the coats because motherhood just blasts you wide open. Naked. You're naked fully and sometimes like literally because, you know, lots of times. The whole thing, lots of times. It's like all of that goes out the window. You're like, you haven't seen me naked yet. Well, here you go. You're about to. Here you go. I'm going to nurse right now, right in front. Yeah. And I think what strips us away from this idea of the whole perfection and it has to be a certain way because you just have no, again, we have nowhere to put it. And so you're just bare and it's accept me as I am. And this is, this is what we're going through and we're going to sit through it and this is it. Yeah. And I found that too. It's like, accept me for who I

am when I'm not, you know, buttoned up and I'm doing X, Y, Z for you or I'm, you know, accept me as I'm in the mess. And the people that can and do, those are the people that you really want to cultivate those relationships for because it means a lot to be able, like for me, the people that can and do, those are the people that you really want to cultivate those relationships for because it means a lot to be able, like for me, the people that I truly care about, it's an honor to help them walk through their mess. And I want the relationships where people feel that too, because it's not always sunshine and rainbows. No, it's not. And even in our relationships too, you know, every time you have that breakdown, whether it's yourself, many times in motherhood, it's yourself and you're just projecting it onto everyone.

Everyone, everything, whether it's your son, which or your husband, everything, everything else. Everything, exactly. And I think that is the beauty of what we're really talking about. It's like, okay, that sucked. Now what? Can we rewind that? And even the other day I was like, I was having a moment because, you know, obviously we're in all of it. And my one kid is sick and something's going on with the other one and she's like teething. And so it's like all of these different layers and things. And I just snapped at Ajit in the morning and I was like, wait, you're leaving? We didn't even get a chance to connect. And he was just like, all right. And I'm like, okay, can we rewind that? Because what I really wanted to say was, babe, I'm having a really hard week and I just want us to just hug for a second or something. And he's just like, no, you're totally right. So it was like to even say, okay, I effed up. Give me a second chance. I'm in all of

my feels. And can we restart? I love that. And it's almost like there's a version of you with the armor on that's like, are you leaving? Are you kidding me? And then the version without the armor, I'm having a really hard time. Can you be there for me right now? Yeah. And what a gift for the people in our life that love us to get the real version of us where they can show up versus them feeling wrong, bad, not good enough. Yeah. And I want to even say this because this is actually applicable to folks who are just even in relationship or even battling issues with their friends and their friendships, because we have armor in friendships as well. And for somebody to actually be there to see you in that and say, oh, okay, okay, do over, sorry, catching me at a bad week. So that you can actually see

if they are your people. Because if they're going to get upset with you because you got upset with them or lashed out at them, then maybe, or they're going to take it personally, maybe they're not your people. Exactly. And maybe they just have more work to do which is also fine okay so i know i i could talk to you all day i can't your book is out now yes i love it that's suck now what i'm going to put a link in the show notes everyone we talk about supporting authors books it's really really important not to mention this is a freaking amazing book so would love you to go click the link in the bio grab it grab one for friends too let's have friends walk through this journey with us together. And you have these affirmation cards. So I wanted, I pulled one. So when we sat down, you give me the cards and I just

grabbed one that felt like I should intuitively pull it. And so on one side, you have an affirmation and on the other side, you have an action. So I'm going to read the affirmation, which is, I am leaning into my edges of what is uncomfortable, knowing that I'm growing into the next version of myself. I'm going to read it again. I want you to really sink into this. I am leaning into my edges of what is uncomfortable, knowing that I'm growing into the next version of myself. And on the other side, it says, list three to five things that are growth edges meaning taking you out of your comfort zone so meet that what are three to five things that are your growth edges right now and are maybe taking you out of your comfort zone honestly asking for support

for this book it's been a labor of love and I feel like I can do it all, but I really can't. And it's sitting with people like you and some of our other friends to really share, but asking for the support as well. I think that's a big one for me. That's hard. I know that's hard. And even asking folks who you haven't spoken to in years and things like that. know that's hard. And even asking, you know, like folks who you haven't spoken to in years and things like that. So that's been such a big growth edge. And then also, you know, I think even leaning into one of the things, you know, with my husband, like having more like of that vulnerability and sharing like when I actually need him for support. And that's so big. And the third thing is also the growth edge for me of this whole

like, all right, I am doing what I'm doing for my like this, you know, the next two, three, four, whatever years while raising my family and balancing out the feeling of guilt of not having to be there all the time or getting on planes a lot and things like that. And so huge growth edges. Well, thanks for sharing that. Yeah, of course. It's incredible to be prompted to ask questions like this because it just brings you closer to people to really cut past the shit and be like, so what are you dealing with right now? And you're like, oh, we're the same. It's like, all right. Yeah, exactly. Like, oh, okay. You're going through that too. Got it. Yep. I see you. I love it. Well, thanks so much

for your authenticity in this. This book is incredible. I can't wait for all of you to get your hands on it. It's really, really amazing. I mean, you wrote another book. That must feel good. It must feel good getting this out there. I mean, I'm so excited about it. This is like an encompassing of the last like four years in the journey of motherhood. And what better way to talk about, you know, normalizing the suck and being brave to suck at something new to build your own version of resiliency. Yes. So where can everyone find you and enter your world? Oh, yeah. So Neetha Bhushan and that's N-E-E-T-H-A. Bhushan is B-H-U-S-H-A-N.

And then as you know, ThatSuckNowWhat.com is where books and all of the cards and everything is. And yeah, thank you. Oh, this was a pleasure. So much juice today. Thank you so much for listening. And if you enjoyed this episode on the Boss Babe podcast, then I'd absolutely love it if you leave us a review. As a thank you, we'll send you our

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