the bossbabe podcast - 335. How to Identify + Set Your Boundaries in a Firm Yet Respectful Way

Episode Date: November 9, 2023

Want to build a freedom based business and have peace of mind? It’s time to execute on your boundaries. In this episode, I talk about identifying the boundaries you need and give real examples of how to communicate your boundaries in a clear and respectful way. Whether you’re wanting a successful business or healthy relationships - boundaries are how you’ll create what you want without having to sacrifice yourself and your peace of mind for it.  HIGHLIGHTS Identifying the boundaries that work best for you How to execute your boundaries and say “no” in a clear and respectful way Examples of how I communicate boundaries in my personal life and business What my move to Austin had to do with my boundaries FOLLOW bossbabe: @bossbabe.inc Natalie Ellis: @iamnatalie

Welcome back to the Bossway Podcast. This episode, I feel like I needed to bring it out of the vault this time of year because boundaries are always important, but this time of year, they are more important than ever because there are invites to everything. This is a time of year where everyone gets together. It's also the time of year when people start panicking about their businesses, when there's just invites and asks coming at you from every single angle. And if you don't have your priorities straight and your boundaries clear, you might end up getting pulled into things that don't feel good to you. It might even be you get invited to some family events that you'd really rather sit out. And so it's really important to get clear on your boundaries and how you want to go

about this season. I was having a conversation this morning on one of my mastermind calls and someone was sharing that they feel like they should say yes to a lot of things otherwise they will be irrelevant in the industry and I really challenged that perspective because for me I know exactly what my priorities are in my business and I know my priorities are my life and so when I'm asked to do something that's what I run it through I run it through my lens of this is what I'm focused on in business is it going to support that this is what I'm focused on in my life is it going to support that and if the answer is no the answer is no and I think a lot of us as women,

especially because my husband doesn't worry about this, we can often feel like a bitch for saying no. Oh, what are they going to think about me? What are they going to say about me? What does that say about me? And we think so much about what other people are going to think of us that we end up really gaslighting ourselves. Oh, you're just being and do it oh you're not being good friend right now go do it and it takes a lot more courage to listen to our own inner voice and do the things that do or don't feel aligned with us and not worry so much about how we'll be perceived because the people that matter won't mind and if they do I know it can be quite blasé to say are they you know that they're not your people but ultimately do you want to be in relationships where you are obligated to do things you don't want to do

I know for me when the answer to that is we know it's been incredibly uncomfortable because it has meant some critical conversations with people which has then ultimately strengthened relationships when the answer to that is we know it's been incredibly uncomfortable because it has meant some critical conversations with people which has then ultimately strengthened relationships or broken relationships and that's a really really hard place to be and if we want to continue living a life that feels good and feels in alignment with our priorities then it's something that we have to do. So I know that's heavy and it's a lot. And I do think it's a conversation that we get to be having, especially in this season and really acknowledging what is for us. If you are a society member, one place that I really recommend you check out if you're sitting thinking, I don't know what my priorities are or what my lens is. Inside the vision element

of the curriculum, I've done a couple of different exercises in there, an alignment audit and a candor check-in, and they are going to help you get really, really clear on what your goals are, what your priorities are, what's a yes and what's a no. We're even going to show you what a yes feels like in your body and what a no feels like in your body because for some people you won't be used to saying no you won't be used to honoring that voice within so I hope you dive into that if you're not yet a member the link is in the show notes so you can go to bossweb.com but with that let's dive into the episode I hope that you really enjoy it and it found you at the right time. A boundary is really you knowing what works for you and what doesn't. And there's so many things that get in the way of people executing their boundaries. And that's a big reason that I

want to have this conversation because I feel like a lot of people probably listening or feeling like I know I could have better boundaries and there's so many things stopping me from doing it. So I feel like it's one of those things that we just get to talk about because I actually think boundaries are a really good thing and they sometimes have this negative connotation to them. And I think that's sometimes something that people struggle with

is they don't actually know what boundaries are working for them and what isn't. So that's one thing we can come to. And the second thing, it is something I've had to cultivate over time because let's face it, there are people in your lives, whether it's family members, friends, co-workers, that are going to be offended by your boundaries. And we often think that if someone is offended by our boundary, that we did something wrong. That is our fault. And I think just time and age has taught

me that that's fundamentally not true. If someone is triggered by your boundary and you know your side of the street is clean, you know you executed the boundary in a respectful way, then you need to know not to take responsibility for someone else's trigger. And I think that's where a lot of people get caught up because they see someone getting really upset or offended by a boundary they put out when, you know, you know you had the best of intentions when putting your boundary out there. Maybe you got invited to someone's birthday and it just really didn't work for you. But all of a sudden, that person's taken it so personally and thinks that you don't like them.

You can't come to my 30th birthday, right? I'm not thinking that you don't like me. It's just circumstance. And I really value relationships where that's okay. And listen, if it was something that you're like, you know what, actually, this does mean a lot to me this year, then we'd have the conversation about it.

But I felt like going in, I felt really okay having the conversation because I knew it would be received well. But we don't have that luxury in every relationship of our life, especially with perhaps family members. You know, your boundary is not going to be received well and you need to do everything you can do so that your side of the street is clean you know you executed it well and their trigger is not your responsibility and being able to detach from that i believe let's take a quick

pause to talk about my new favorite all-in-one platform kajabi you know i've been singing their praises lately because they have helped our business run so much smoother and with way less complexity which I love. Not to mention our team couldn't be happier because now everything is in one place so it makes collecting data, creating pages, collecting payment, all the things so much simpler. One of our mottos at Boss Babe is simplify to amplify and Kajabi has really helped us do that this year. So of course I needed to share it here with you. It's the perfect time of year to do a bit of spring cleaning in your business, you know. Get rid of the complexity and instead really focus on getting organized and making things as smooth as possible.

I definitely recommend Kajabi to all of my clients and students. So if you're listening and haven't checked out Kajabi yet, now is the perfect time to do so because they are offering Boss Babe listeners a 30-day free trial. Go to Kajabi.com slash Boss Babe to claim your 30-day free trial. That's Kajabi.com slash Boss Babe. I believe that my peace of mind is my responsibility and it's the most important thing that I have. You know, when I make almost all decisions, it all comes back to my peace of mind. And I've really set my life up in a way that sets me up with peace of mind. I mean, even my move to Austin, peace of mind was a big reason

behind that. So that's first and foremost where things come from. And if something's going to disturb my peace, I have to really question, is it worth it? And, you know, when I'm taking a look at something, I know that we're the kind of personalities where we can do things. We can take on that extra thing. We can stretch ourselves the extra mile. The season that I'm going through right now is, there's a lot of boundaries around it. I'm not willing to sacrifice my peace of mind. I'm not willing to sacrifice my health. I'm not willing to work the late nights the way I used to or the super early morning responses. And so when I'm looking at the things that I will and won't prioritize,

that's the biggest thing that it comes down to. And I also think this is kind of twofold. When you have peace of mind, you can set boundaries a lot easier. Because if you're in a place where your mind is really stressed and chaotic and I don't care how much work you've done you're in a place where you're taking things personally you're getting upset over things that you really don't need to be upset about you are over analyzing oh my god what does that person think of me I all of that comes up when we're not in a place where we're really taking care of our

mind and the health of our mind and so prioritizing that means I'm able to're not in a place where we're really taking care of our mind and the health of our mind. And so prioritizing that means I'm able to approach it in a certain way. And then just coming back to the team side, one of our team members came back off of maternity leave and is working part time. And I was very clear about, hey, we know your boundaries, but the rest of the team might not. Can you put a status update in Slack or can you let people know exactly what it is? And that's a really great way to approach boundaries. It's just, it's very black and white.

Here's what I'm going to do. Here's what I'm not going to do. And if you then respect those boundaries, everyone else will. I often say no is my favorite word. I love the word no. But I went through a phase when I didn't have as much confidence, kind of younger in life, where I wouldn't say no when I really meant no. So let's say I got invited to a podcast that I really didn't want to do or a speaking engagement that I really didn't want to do and I didn't want to say no to them because I was scared of upsetting them. I'd kind of come up with excuses and I would really give a bit of a roundabout answer versus

saying no. And what I realized is that gets me in so much more trouble because I end up expending so much more energy on it. The person doesn't know where they stand. They don't know if it's a yes or a no. Are you like people don't know. And so let's say someone asks you to do something that you don't really want to do.

My first response is no, but thanks for asking. And then I'll often you don't have to, but I often will give a reason as to why not. You absolutely don't ever need to back your nose up. I just want to put that out there. That's not on you to do, but I think it can be polite. If someone says, hey, will you do X for me? Like, will you be on my podcast? Hey, no, but thanks for offering. I'm not doing any media interviews right now. Anything like that, that makes you feel like, oh, this is actually a really polite way to do it. But you've said no straight away. And so there's no one's reading between the lines. No one's wondering, are you

doing it or are you not? And if that person follows up and becomes persistent, it's not really, you don't have to really reply. So if I say no, but thanks for asking. I'm not doing any media right now. And they follow up saying, but what about X? But what about that? I'll generally not reply because I just think I'm not going to spend my day in my emails. I'm not going to reply. I've already been really clear about that. So that's one example.

Let's say someone invites you to a meeting. It's like on a time that you don't really want to be working and it's something that's not a priority to you. Then it's really important to communicate the full reason you're not coming so that person doesn't expect it of you again. Because if you're not clear on why you're saying no, you know, if you're saying, oh, that time doesn't really work for me, then they'll move it to a different time. Or like if there's multiple reasons you don't attend, you just have to be honest. Hey, I actually have a lot of priorities on my plate. This is not one of them. And I prefer not to do meetings in that time. I won't be attending. but if you think it's important, send me notes after or ask me questions before. Something like

that. So you're not saying, hey, I'm totally unavailable to help you, but you're saying, it's not really a priority for me. I don't want to do it at this time, but I'm also here to support you. So if you need certain things answered, come and let me know. But no is not a dirty word. I cannot express that enough. Intention is everything. And the intention behind that no is really, really important. So get comfortable saying it and see if you can practice around friends and see if you can practice with people and have them celebrate your no's. Outro Music