the bossbabe podcast - 346. Unlocking Confidence, Overcoming Fears + Creating Your Highest Level of Success in 2024 with Alyssa Nobriga

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

Bringing back one of my favorite episodes with the incredible Alyssa Nobriga to talk all things confidence + overcoming the things that keep us stuck. It’s 2024, which means it’s a brand new year and a new opportunity to do the inner work required to live our most fulfilling, free, peaceful lives possible. Today’s episode is for you if you’re ready to finally breakthrough the subconscious blocks getting in your way and step into the best version of yourself + your highest potential! HIGHLIGHTS How to get to the root of unconscious fears that are sabotaging your success The “5 levels of change” framework that will help you overcome fear based thinking + release it for good How to overcome the fear of being seen so you can step into your most confident self Why affirmations ALONE don’t work (+ the piece that you’re missing) LINKS Join The Société: The Place to Build A Freedom-Based Business Alyssa’s Podcast: Healing + Human Potential Alyssa’s FREE Confidence + Clients Bootcamp Alyssa’s Institute for Coaching Mastery FOLLOW bossbabe: @bossbabe.inc Natalie Ellis: @iamnatalie Alyssa Nobriga: @alyssanobriga

If we judge something, we're stuck with it. And if we identify with it, we're also stuck with it. Like I'm the person that procrastinates. That just makes it worse. How is procrastination trying to serve me? Or what do I fear would happen if I stopped procrastinating? And so once you identify what that fear is, then you can actually move through it.

But if you just sit there learning more strategy about productivity hacks and you're just not taking the first step, there's something deeper that needs to be uncovered. Welcome back to the Boss Babe podcast. So on Tuesday, I released an episode with Alyssa Nobrega and it was so incredibly successful and popular that I've decided to re-release an older episode. So me and Alyssa actually recorded this three years ago, which blows my mind. It is still as relevant now as it was then. So we get into all things,

procrastination and how you can really do the inner work to have that reflected on the outside. I know you're absolutely going to love it. And if you do want to join Alyssa's bootcamp, all of the information for that is in the show notes. With that, I'm going to dive straight into the episode. And I think this one is going to blow your mind. Let's talk about why people don't actually change so that we can set everybody up to make the results and create the change that they're wanting this year. And I would say that one of the things that happens is people are like, oh my gosh, I want this relationship. I'm going to have this health goal or start this business. And they're so excited. And that's sort of like the foot on

the gas. But what we don't realize if we slow down is that there's often a foot on the brakes and that we have these competing desires within us that make it harder for us to step into our goals. So somehow we've unconsciously wired what we want with fear. And let me break this down into a really practical, simple goal. So I had a woman that was coming to see me and she's like, I've worked with all these other coaches and I can't actually move beyond this glass ceiling, this upper limit of making 200,000 in her business. She had hired great team. She kept trying, but everything that she was doing wasn't working. And so I asked her a really powerful question and I want to share it with your listeners so that they can ask themselves as well.

And I said, what do you fear would happen if you hit your goal? And she's like, I don't fear anything would happen. What are you talking about? And I was like, okay, let's slow it down. Because obviously if this is what you're creating, there's some part of you, there's something that you're getting from it. So let's just investigate and find out what that is. I said, get mindful. If you make more than $200,000, you fear. And then tears just started streaming down her eyes. And she's like, I didn't even realize when her mom got a promotion, her parents got a divorce. And so she had unconsciously paired. If she made more money, she wouldn't be with her husband. She thought I would make more. All these unconscious programming became more clear inside of her. And so part of the work, if we want to go faster, we have to

slow down. We have to really investigate and look at what are the operating systems, what are the unconscious programming that I have around what I desire and what I fear would happen if that happened. And so if we can unravel that, we get out of our own way. And then we can successfully create our goals way more easier than this hustle and push, and then judge ourselves for being an imposter or for procrastinating. We're inspired, like the calling is calling us forward. And we're inspired to move forward to really evolve and wake up to what we're really capable of beyond these limiting set points we've inherited, you know, from when we were kids. And so how does that show up? Let's just take that client, for example, who really subconsciously is feeling that way about making money,

but really consciously she's excited. She wants to hit these goals. She's ambitious. So how does it show up? Oftentimes it's the goal that you've been trying to hit for a few times, or you just get a little bit of momentum and then you yo-yo back, right? So we've seen this with dieting. It's oftentimes most people have an unconscious set point that they're not even aware of. And so part of the work is getting very specific and slowing down. The ego hates it when you're still. And if you can get specific and slow down and ask yourself some of these questions, even just asking, what do I fear would happen if I got, and then fill in the blank, whatever

your goal is for the year, then you can start to hear your own insights and wisdom. And so that could sound like the same thing happened with a woman with weight loss. She wanted to lose weight. And oftentimes because it's unconscious, we don't know until we slow down. And so that's why I really like getting specific and getting really like taking a magnifying glass into our fear because fear is only powerful if we don't look at it. We can be run by it. So fear is essentially thinking, I won't get what I want or what I have and I want will be taken away.

So it's one of the two things and it's always projected in the future. And so if we can slow down to really get specific with it, where it's like, you know, even if there's like a fear of failure, because oftentimes as soon as somebody gets clear, and I want everybody to hear this, it's as soon as you get excited and clear on your goal, oftentimes the fears that have held you back will come up.

And that's not bad news if you have the right tools to navigate them and unravel them so that you can stay consistent and not beat yourself up for having procrastination and not really sticking with it. So all of the things that come up are actually part of what are helping us evolve to stabilize at our next level of success, whatever that is for us. And so in a really practical way, just getting still for a moment and asking a question like this, which is what do I fear would happen if I got my goal? Another way this can show up is with, for example, I had a woman who couldn't lose this extra weight. And I asked her the same question, which was, what do you fear would happen if you lost the weight? And at first she's like, no, I don't have any fear about it. And I just slowed down. And I was like, if you lose the

weight, you fear. And again, she just was touched by her own insight, which was she was this woman who had gotten a divorce. And in India, this was not acceptable in her community. So she felt really ostracized. She put on the weight to protect herself. She thought that if she was overweight, then she wouldn't attract another man and have to go through the grief of all of these feelings. So she was stuffing it in some way, the weight was a protection. And so oftentimes these fears are trying to serve us in some way, they're often unconscious. And so we can learn how the fear is actually trying to serve us and update to a new way so that it's in alignment with our goals and it's not unconscious.

So we learn to embrace these parts of ourselves, not letting them run our business. And I find this a lot with ambitious women, especially that they're going for their next goal and this fear of being seen comes up and AKA fear of judgment. And so when they learn how to embrace that part of them that is afraid of being seen, afraid of being judged, and they still rock their goals, then they feel way more integrated. And just to give you a framework, how I typically work with people is through five levels of change. So mentally, emotionally, behaviorally, unconsciously, and somatically. And somatic means body centered. So there's different ways to help approach this because

people are wired differently. So the mental is kind of like this fear of unknown. We say we want something, but we project worst case scenario thinking into the future, right? And as we learn to question those fears and take dominion over the mind, we can naturally move towards what we're wanting because we're inspired towards our goal. And then the emotional part is really embracing these parts of us that are scared because as we go for what we want, it's usually outside of our comfort zone. And so we learn how to really take dominion and work with those parts of us, those energies. And then behaviorally, some people just need strategic change. They're like, well, how do I actually get funding for my

business? Or how do I really strategically grow my following? right? So there's sometimes just strategic change that people need. And then the unconscious we were starting to talk about, and I can share more examples and things like that. But there are various ways to actually help empower people, leaders, coaches, healers, to really do this work starting with themselves so that they don't have to push so much towards their goal.

They don't start and then stop and then lack, not have that trust within themselves over the long term. I love that. And I really want to dive into that fear of being seen. One thing before that is, let's say someone listening to this is like, yes, this is me and I know I need to do this work. They go sit, they meditate, they journal,

and they work on that question. What am I afraid of if I achieve this goal and something comes up? Just noticing it. What do they do with that to then be able to move forward? I love this question. So yeah, the first step is always awareness. You see it and then you work with it on one of the five levels I just outlined. So if it's triggered emotionally and you really are scared, you want to learn how not to identify

with the part because feelings are just energy. They're not facts. And if you learn how to breathe into and welcome the sensations in the body, you're not run by them. You learn to overcome and reprogram patterns. And so for example, with the journaling process, one thing you can do is really talk from that part, just journal from the part that feels scared. It's like, I don't want people to judge me. And you can for sure, being a psychotherapist, a lot of this work relates back to our original programming, these original experiences. And so if a memory comes up, you may want to work with it from that original experience and let that part of you, that younger part, just write or share what it's scared of. And then from your more adult, healthy, integrated version, you get to embrace. You're

not trying to talk that part out of it, but you're really hearing from it. Okay, sweetheart, tell me more. I've got you. I'm here now. I'm listening. And so just like you would meet a little kid, you're just embracing and allowing it to be here without an agenda. And ironically, that's what helps it move on its own. And then for the mental level where you could question the fears, because we were just talking about the mind as it predicts the future as a way to protect. And it's usually the worst case scenario. But if we learn to just get really crystal clear, what is the fear I'm projecting? And the more specific you are, the more you can see through it. It's like, well, actually, that probably won't happen. Or if that did happen, here's my plan B. And you can start questioning

and opening the mind and taking dominion over that fear-based thinking. And then unconsciously, you can, or somatically, you could say another example is just to breathe into the sensations in the body. They're just sensations. And it takes 90 seconds to allow a sensation to be here for it to move on. And so if there's an emotion that's here for more than 90 seconds, it means you're thinking the emotion into existence. And you want to learn how to take dominion over your inner experience because it's going to make you way more, you're going to feel more free. You're going to do better in your business. You're going to take bolder risks because you know it's not about you. And you know that you're equipped to handle whatever

sensation, whatever thought, whatever emotion comes forward. You've got this inner resource inside of you to then get into aligned action from there. That makes so much sense. And I feel like I've seen this a lot with people and specifically some of the women in our community that I've seen who procrastinate like crazy. And the thing is, they know what to do. They absolutely know what their next step is. They know what to do, but something just keeps stopping them from actually going and doing it. You know, they'll spend time in their inbox and they'll perfect the Instagram photo and they'll kind of do everything but the thing they know they're supposed to do. And do you think that all comes back to that fearing what might happen if they

actually win? Yeah, I think it does. And it's oftentimes we see and we know. So this is why people actually create change, right? They know what to do, but they're not doing it. So that's good feedback. Whatever you're doing isn't working and it's not good or bad, but if we judge something, we're stuck with it. And if we identify with it, we're also stuck with it. Like I'm the person that procrastinates, that just makes it worse. And so I would say to people that if that's one of their patterns and you can replace procrastination with any other block, I would just say, how is procrastination trying to serve me? Or what do I fear would happen if I stopped procrastinating? And again, these are just powerful questions to sit with to elicit everybody's own inner

wisdom, because it's going to be a different answer. And that's where then you can take it deeper into saying, oh, wow, this is trying to serve me because I'm afraid of being seen, for example. And so I'm procrastinating because I know if I really go for it, I'm going to do well, but there's some fear associated with it. Right. And so once you identify what that fear is, then you can actually move through it. But if you just sit there learning more strategy about productivity hacks, and you're just not taking the first step, there's something deeper that needs to be uncovered. And it's often unconscious if it's at that level. And if you want to really work with the subconscious, you just want to slow down and

get mindful. And you just ask some of these powerful questions. How is procrastination trying to serve me? Or what do I fear would happen if I stopped procrastinating? And then your insights reveal. And then from there, you clear it, but you still take a strategic action. You still take aligned action, but it's no longer coming from this place of division and fear and lack and judgment of the procrastination identification with being a procrastinator and all these other things that can just make it harder and not efficient. Let's take a quick pause to talk about my new favorite all-in-one platform, Kajabi. You know, I've been singing their praises lately because they have helped our business run so much smoother and with way less complexity, which I love. Not to mention our

team couldn't be happier because now everything is in one place so it makes collecting data, creating pages, collecting payment, all the things so much simpler. One of our mottos at Boss Babe is simplify to amplify and Kajabi has really helped us do that this year. So of course I needed to share it here with you. It's the perfect time of year to do a bit of spring cleaning in your business, you know, get rid of the complexity and instead really focus on getting organized and making things as smooth as possible. I definitely recommend Kajabi to all of my clients and students. So if you're listening and haven't checked out Kajabi yet, now is the perfect time to do so because they are offering Boss Babe listeners a

30-day free trial. Go to kajabi.com slash boss babe to claim your 30-day free trial. That's kajabi.com slash boss babe. So is that question, how is procrastination trying to serve me a way of observing without judgment and taking the judgment away? It's one way to identify how it's trying to support you. Because if everything that we're doing has a positive intention behind it, we're just not always conscious of what that is. And so if I judge myself as somebody who is not good enough, maybe the fear is if I judge myself, then other people won't judge that. And really, anytime we're afraid of what somebody else thinks of us, it's because we're afraid of what we're actually thinking of ourselves. So rather than trying to get everybody else to think of us a certain way,

we go direct and we really shifted inside of ourselves first. And so we look at the parts and our own judgments and we wipe that mirror clean. And then we no longer project and think everybody else is thinking that about us. And so there is a positive intention behind everything that is showing up for us. And once we identify what that is for us, we know it's like, oh, that's the part of me that's just trying to protect me. Right? It's like, oh, the procrastinator says, I'm holding you back because I'm afraid you're going to get judged. And if you can just thank that part, oh, you're the one that's just trying to protect me. Thank you. And maybe from here, because once you accept it, you pop out of this right-wrong dualistic dynamic that actually has no creative

or innovative problem solving. And you love it. And you're like, okay, how can I really feel confident and feel secure as I lead my presentation? I give the talk. I'm putting my work out there in a bigger way. Well, it could be about embracing the part that feels scared, but not identifying with it, and then still going towards your goal or questioning that you're not good enough, right? That's the mental, the emotional, you can work it again on any of the five levels. Yeah, I love that. So I want to jump back to what you said earlier, which was fear of being seen is normally fear of judgment. Can you talk a little bit about that? Yeah. So the fear of being seen is really about this kind

of human need to belong, but there's a fear that we're going to be rejected. And part of this is just, you know, as a human being, we need each other to survive. And so part of it is for survival purposes. And then another part of it is just the egoic makeup. And we're essentially evolving beyond that. And so if we're afraid of how somebody is going to think of us, then it's, again, really just a reflection of what we think of ourselves. And rather than trying to get everybody to see us in a certain light, which is not possible, then it's really about it looking at and clearing the mirror, the parts of us that we may be judged or the things that we judge about ourselves. And we've always been around people that are,

they're not perfect and they just are so comfortable in themselves that it makes you feel comfortable with them. They just own it. It doesn't matter what they look like or how they sound. They just love who they are and it's a pleasure to be around them. That's part of the work as like really doing our internal work so that we're comfortable within ourselves. We've come to a deeper acceptance of our humanity. And ironically, we're more relaxed. We enjoy things more. We attract people, situations, clients from that space of unapologetically being ourselves. And how does someone even start to create that kind of thing? Because I imagine there's a lot of people listening like, well, how am I going to ever be able to love this part of myself? Like the affirmations just

aren't doing it for me. Good. I love that because affirmations won't just do it. And so why I think a lot of manifestation and affirmation work doesn't actually work is because you have to do the deeper work around your self-worth, around confidence, around who you think you are and what you're capable of at a deep level. you think you are and what you're capable of at a deep level. Because if you don't, you're just going to sabotage your success. And a lot of the work that I do is around your worth, around discovering and claiming your inherent worth and value independent from any qualifiers, independent from any success or partnership or appearance, anything. It's just knowing that you are invaluable as you are. And

so that's a great concept, but how do you actually live it? So again, the framework and the method that I teach is around five levels. So again, you can work it mentally, emotionally, behaviorally, unconsciously, or somatically. And I would say that there's a different process depending on what's going to support somebody. So if somebody is really emotionally based, maybe you're listening, you're like, you get wrapped up in your emotions. You're going to want to have a tool to learn how to navigate and surf the waves of your emotion rather than letting them tumble you. And so really the parts and patterns, what I was just sharing by journaling that part that doesn't feel good enough and really meeting it as if it were a child. And you seeing this child, for example, you know, all these, all these little kids, for example, this little girl does a cartwheel and she's doing it out of

the joy of it. And she starts getting claps, like everyone's clapping, yay. And that feels good for her. So she does the cartwheel again. But the second time she does the cartwheel, now she's looking for approval in it. Now she's looking for something because that dopamine hit that felt really good. And then that can get really addicting. And then she can think, oh, they like me for what I can achieve or what I can perform and what I can do. And these wirings, these subconscious programs actually are a lot of the time what we're living out of. Those are what we were talking about in the beginning. We can have these set points, but learning how to embrace that part of you and seeing that she is beautiful and inherently whole and worthy, independent of her cartwheel,

it's easy to see it as a child. And so you could even take, you know, you could do some deeper work with taking a photo of yourself when you were younger and seeing the preciousness and really being compassionate with that part that's bought into these misunderstandings and these ideas and really let that go on an emotional level. And on a mental level, you could question the misunderstandings of who you think you are because of the work that you've created in the world, right? So again, you can work it at different levels, but once you do some of this deeper work,

then adding in manifestation and affirmations are great to help maintain the reprogramming, but you have to do some of the deeper excavating work so that it's coming from a deep foundation rather than just kind of putting a bandaid on it that's not sustainable. Yeah, that makes total sense. And one thing I remember having a conversation with you, I think it was like a year ago or something now about confidence, and it kind of ties into what we're saying. And I remember saying to you, well, how do you get really confident? And you were like, you don't get confident. You already are. But sometimes you just need to unlock that part of you. Can you talk a little bit about that? Because there

might be some people listening who are in the mindset of like, well, I don't see myself getting to being that confident person because I'm just not that. Yeah, that's and I would say that that story that you're not confident, I would question. Because in my experience, there's an authentic confidence that doesn't come and go underneath all of the insecure thinking. And when you are present and questioning those thoughts about who you are, about you not being confident, it's like the clouds, it parts. And you're like, oh, you can start to authentically experience a deeper confidence that's here. Because if you have to be the person that is confident all the time to feel secure, then you're going to be in certain situations where people are doing better than you,

or they look better than you, or whatever the story is that activate your insecurity. And so rather than trying to control and manipulate outside experiences, I would rather empower you with tools and ways of being for you to access something deeper. And part of that work looks like embracing the part of you that's insecure on the emotional level, right? And it naturally starts to integrate. And that again, it parts the clouds and you feel an authentic confidence that doesn't come and go. And the same thing with the thought. And ironically, if you're willing just to like on a somatic level, if you're willing just to feel the sensations in your body, like right now, just whoever's listening, take a contraction in your body, wherever it may be your shoulder, your belly, your throat, and just for a second, just breathe into and allow that contraction without any agenda,

just for it to be here right now, breathing in and then letting it go. Just full permission, just for this moment to just drop in and allow it to be here. Just breathing. And you notice it starts to soften. And if you stay with that, it starts to disintegrate and it's completely gone. And so the things that we're avoiding and we're afraid to feel, actually that pattern of avoiding and or thinking about it rather than dropping afraid to feel, actually that pattern of avoiding and or thinking about it rather than dropping in to feel it is what perpetuates it. And so if you're courageous enough to feel this sensation without a story about you not being confident or you being a procrastinator, just feel the raw, pure sensation in the body

with pure acceptance and breathing into it. It moves through and you no longer have to keep being that person or keep projecting that into your future. I love that. I was just doing that exercise as you were talking through it. And I think this is so practical as well for coming back to what we were talking about at the beginning. You know, there's a lot of excitement around new year, new me, new goals, all of this newness and excitement. And you might get one month in and realize you're in a pattern of procrastination or telling yourself you're not good enough or you're

feeling like an imposter. And to just have tools where even just the one you're talking about, not resisting it, just leaning into it and exploring it. Little tools like that can make the world of difference because it's not just a new strategy you need to go and get more Instagram followers like it really isn't and I see this a lot in IGA some people come in and they're like I just need a strategy to help me get more followers and I'm like great how often are you showing up on social well I'm not showing up right now because I don't have any followers I'm like well let's show up daily no I don't really want to do that I just want to have followers that I can show up and sell to, but they're not showing up. And it's those underlying things.

I feel like the strategies and tactics, they're only going to get you so far and you have to be willing to take action and actually put the work in, but it's not really their fault. It's they just don't know the tools. They don't even know how to move through. Exactly.

And so just for everybody, have your new year goals, like follow your dreams. You are so much more supportive than you realize. And know when it starts getting hard, that's where the rubber hits the road. And that's what you're being invited to look at so that you can get to your next level and sustain there. But if you're not willing to do the work or if you don't have the right tools, then you'll

probably yo-yo back. And there's no judgment in that. And there are always infinite choices. But when we procrastinate or we push things under the rug, we actually just postpone it. And so I just want to invite people, as you're going towards your dreams and these things come up, that's where the real work happens. Because we say, I want this dream. I want these followers. I want to speak on stage. I want to grow my business, whatever it is. And then life's like, okay, sweetheart, here you go. Here are the opportunities to step into that. And if we really do feel supported and have the tools

to stand into our dreams, it's like we get to this next level and we maintain there without going backwards. So don't think that those things are in the way they are the way, you can use them to help you get there. And it's all part of it.