The Bossticks - #108: The Bitch Bible Part 3 with Jackie Schimmel - Online Dating, Marriage, & Dating Standards

Episode Date: April 3, 2018

This week for the third time we have one of our favorites, Jackie Schimmel of The Bitch Bible podcast on the show. As always this episode goes all over the place. A conversation amongst friends on all things dating, drama, marriage, and all that falls in between.  To Listen to The Bitch Bible click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE  This episode is brought to you by TaxAct. It's tax season but that doesn't mean you need to feel overwhelmed and underprepared. Use this year to start to take advantage of your deductions and maximize your credits. Taking advantage of these opportunities means more money back in your pocket. With TaxAct you have a partner and a tool that can help prepare your return. To sign up for TaxAct go to www.taxact.com/self-employment 

The following podcast is a dear media production. This episode is brought to you by Tax Act. Okay, it's tax season, but that doesn't mean you need to feel overwhelmed and underprepared. Use this year to start to take advantage of your deductions and save some money. Most people do the bare minimum to file a simple return. This is a huge mistake in my opinion. There are so many deductions and opportunities that you can take advantage of if you play it smart, which just means more money in your pocket.

With Tax Act, you have the partner and a tool that can help you maximize credits and deductions. You don't have to worry about errors and audits because they have an accurate. guarantee. So many of you are starting your writing, vlogging, podcasting, influencer careers, and you need to know how to maximize your deductions and credit for the best tax outcome. To try tax act, go to www.taxact.com forward slash self-dash employment. That's www. www.taxact.com forward slash self-dash employment. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic.

And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to the skinny confidential, him and her. Aha. Welcome back to the skinny confidential him and her show. This week we have fellow podcaster and one of our favorite people,

Jackie Schimel of the Bitch Bible podcast on the show. Jackie's been a regular on this show. I think she's the most had guests that we've had. This is her third appearance. Is that the right word to say most had? She's been on the show the most times, guys, all right? It's her third time on the show, and as always, these episodes with her are always lively. Jackie is also a London regular, her and her husband, Andrew, who I love.

You know, Andrew, we have a romance going on if you're listening to this. Come to London frequently, which is ideal right now because Lauren and I are currently in London. This episode covers primarily dating, but it's a little bit lighter, on the lighter side of our typical interviews. There's more three friends sitting around gossiping, having a conversation. shooting the shit. What up guys? Welcome back to the show. We have another episode like Michael said with Jackie. If you're new to the show, I am Lauren Everts, the creator of The Skinny Confidential, which is a blog brand book and obviously a podcast. The Skinny Confidential has become a resource for women all over the world, which is turned into a huge community of hundreds of thousands of women.

A lot of them are connecting in the secret Facebook group, which is awesome. If you head over to the blog, I have a bunch of beauty hacks, tips and tricks. and of course you have us on the podcast. And I'm Michael Bossack. I'm an entrepreneur and the CEO of Dear Media, which we recently started. It is a podcast company with an emphasis on female voices. Jackie, who's on the show today, is actually one of our talent. And we love having her.

So let's get into it. We just got back from Marrakesh, Morocco. And at first, we weren't so sure about it. It was a little hard to figure out and kind of gather our bearings. But after a couple days, we just ended. up loving it. So once we figured it out, we just really started to fall in love. There's so much culture and detail there. And what I loved most about it is the people are super, super friendly. As we started to get to know people, they told us where to go that were kind of the non-touristy

spots. So we also went to the Eve St. Laurent Garden. And I'm not sure how to pronounce it exactly. I feel like I'm just going to call it Le Jardine. Is that how you say it, honey? I don't know. Anyways, it's very beautiful. And now we're in London. We are currently at our hotel, podcasting, and we just had tea time, which was super fun. I ran into a couple of TSC readers, and we're here for work and some pleasure as well. You know, I love that pleasure. So anyways, because I want to get, because we're traveling and because I want to get into the episode with Jackie right away, we're going to jump right into the him and her tip of the week. I have a good one this week. I've talked about it in the past, but recently on this trip since when I'm,

we travel, I read a lot, especially when we're flying. And there's a couple books that I always go back to, either if I'm having trouble sleeping or if I'm on a flight and I, you know, don't want to start a brand new book. And there's a book that I've actually recommended on this podcast, on Lauren's blog and also multiple times, but it's been a while since I've talked about it. And that book is by one of my favorite management gurus, Peter Drucker. It's called Managing oneself. So like I said, I've talked about this book in the past and on this podcast. briefly, but it's a book that I've constantly found myself referring to throughout my life and recommending to a lot of my friends and family as they either start new businesses or they're just,

you know, looking for new answers. I love the book because it's really short, it's really impactful, it's only about 50 pages, it's not very big, it's a small book, and I keep multiple copies laying around the house as well as a digital copy on my phone, which is how I refer back to it. And to briefly summarize the book, I took a blurb from Amazon because they did a good job. in their description summarizing the book. So here's that blur from Amazon. The keys cultivate a deep understanding of yourself by identifying your most valuable strengths and most dangerous weaknesses. Articulate how you learn and work with others and what your most deeply held values are and describe the type of work environment where you can make the greatest

contribution. Only when you operate with a combination of your strengths and self-knowledge can you achieve true and lasting excellence. So I like this book a lot because I think it's really important for the individual, whoever's reading it, to understand what their strengths truly are and where they can be most effective. I think so many of us get stuck in positions or in jobs or in careers where we're maybe not suited for them. And most of the time it's not because of the company.

It's because we haven't done an honest evaluation of ourselves and figuring out what our strengths are and where they lie. And also how we effectively learn. One of the examples they use in the book is, are you a listening learner or are you a reading learner? I'm definitely a reading learner. And most of the time for people that are reading learners, they actually have a difficult time in school

because they're not listening learners. One of the examples they use in the book is when General Eisenhower during World War II used to give press conferences, he would fucking nail them because his generals before would brief him on everything that was going on and all the questions he would be asked.

So when they came up, he was able to knock him out. And then when he became president later and got asked those same questions without those briefs and he had to listen, He completely failed and got obliterated by the press. So figuring out where your strengths are, how you learn, how you work with people, it's really effective. And that book is called Managing Oneself.

I highly suggest it and I highly suggest that you take it out and do a deep dive into your own psyche. So her tip is kind of different. It's like a plot twist from yours. It's random too. So mine is actually from my friend Ingrid. So Ingrid and I were friends online via Instagram. years. We DM on there, kind of like we text back and forth. And it's been really cool because she

lives in Monaco and I live in Southern California and we've developed this friendship online. She's been featured on the Skinny Confidential and she has a banging body and really good tips. So if you haven't read that interview, Google the Skinny Confidential Ingrid. Anyway, like I said, we never had met in person until a few days ago. So we both happened to be in Morocco at the same time, which was super ideal because, like I said, she lives so far away. So we ended up meeting for drinks. We did a double date with her husband and obviously Michael. And we did some tuna tartar too, if we're being honest and getting specific. Anyway, Ingrid is super smart when it comes to health and fitness. So I was asking her like

a billion questions, as you can imagine. And when I was asking her 100 questions, she ordered white wine. And so I asked her why she was ordering white wine because I knew there was a reason. And Ingrid said that she likes to order white wine because it's a good thing to sip on. And let me explain it. So with Rose, she said you feel the need to chug it. And I feel like I've had this pickle before. And I feel like you guys have had this pickle before. Rose is just, it's so easy to drink. And you know, you find yourself on the set. glass very quickly. You know, it's kind of like water if you think about it, really. Anyway, she said that red wine feels heavier and again, it's a little bit easier to drink than white wine.

It's not as light either. And then she explained white wine was something that you sip on so you don't get too buzzed. And it was funny because I ended up ordering white wine that night too, because I had to copy her, of course. And I had like a glass and a half throughout dinner, which is different from my, you know, two huge glasses of rosé. So I really liked that tip and I wanted to share it with you guys for any of you who are out there and maybe feeling like you get too buzzed off rosé or tequila. This tip is for you. So if you're feeling a little loosey-goosey, order yourself a white wine.

I like Shabli. Michael likes Pino Grigio. And then do a side of ice and you're good to go. You could even make it a spritzer if you want. And let me know how you like this tip. Also, I'm still going to feature one of your tips on the her tip of the week, and I'll show your Instagram handle. I'm going to pick one of you to do this.

All you have to do to win this feature is to tell me on my latest Instagram a her tip. I'm going to be picking the best one. I'll feature you on Insta. We'll do a little Insta story. The whole works. So get specific. Wellness and Beauty is what I really like. And I'll pick one of you.

I really like that on this show with our audience, you know, a lot of other shows like healthy shows, they talk about how to limit alcohol. And the way we're talking about it is how to slow yourself down from chugging it. So I really appreciate that our audience is the type of audience that we can say that too, because that's how we are. And we just got to slow down on chugging that wine. Okay, guys, time is running thin. We are getting very, very close to tax day.

If you haven't yet filed and are dreading the day, don't stress. We have time. So we've been talking about Tax Act a lot on the show, and there have been a ton of you providing feedback and asking questions. A lot of those questions are coming from people who have regular jobs with a side hustle. So they are typical W-2 employee that has another job or starting a new business on the side, and they're saying, hey, can I also use Tax Act? The short answer to that is absolutely. As a matter of fact, that's exactly Lauren's story. Lauren started as a bartender.

She was teaching Pure Bar and Pilates, and she started the Skinny Confidential as a side hustle with the idea that it would one day turn into her main job and her main business, which it did. So she did have a regular day and night job when she started the Skinny Confidential, and we have a ton of you guys out there that are doing the same thing. You're working that steady job, getting a steady income, but you're looking for something else, and you're building towards that by creating a side hustle, whether that's a blog or whether you're a freelance photographer or makeup artist or a writer. There's a ton of you guys out there and tax act is definitely for you. So the difficulty when you're starting a new job and you have a

side hustle is how do you keep track of all of the expenses and what do you, what could you take deductions with your new business? It's not officially a business yet. It's a side thing, but you do have expenses and you are paying to get it set up. And so it's important to keep track of all of those and all those deductions. And at the end of the year, when you file your taxes, it's important to get the credits for all those expenses and deductions so that you can put more money back in your pocket. And Tax Act is a partner that can help you do that.

An example, when Lauren was starting out, she had all these different expenses with her photographers and with her developers and her website design, and she kept a trapper keeper with all of these receipts, which gave me a fucking nightmare, and didn't organize any of it. So at the end of the year, she had all the expenses and everything documented, but she didn't have a way to code it and present it to the government so that she could get a deduction.

So you need to be smart with this stuff. It makes a ton of difference financially. We all need to know what we can write off. Using the employee with the side hustle example, you could potentially write off all of your supplies, all the different travel, any commuting stuff. You could write up all your development, any expenses that go into web hosting. If you're buying a computer or anything that you're going to use for your new job or side hustle, Maybe you started an Etsy shop or a Shopify, any of the fees that you're paying on a month-to-month basis to keep those sites up and running.

You could definitely deduct those. As you can see, all of this stuff can get really confusing and difficult to do on your own, and you need someone or something that can help you keep all this organized. I can't recommend tax act enough as a tool to help you figure all this stuff out. I like it because they just rolled out a package for freelancers and independent contractors, which means all of you guys with side hustles and doing freelance work. you can all take advantage. When I first started out, I didn't know how to take advantage of any of this stuff. Either did Lorne. And so we lost out on a ton of money that we could have used to dump back into the business

or put back in our pocket or travel, whatever it may be. We just didn't know about the benefits of doing this stuff. And so we want to use this show to spread awareness for all of you guys that are out there starting something new because at the end of the day, the purpose of this show is that we want all of you guys to win and to get some value. So when Tax Act came to us, we thought it would be the perfect partner. So this works for anyone who is filing their taxes. It doesn't just work for people with a small business.

You could be an employee. You could have a small business. You could be a freelancer, anybody, independent contractor. If you're a W-2 employee, tax act is also backed by an accuracy guarantee. So if you're overwhelmed by this stuff and say, oh, shoot, I hope I don't do this wrong, don't worry. They're going to help you organize it. And they're going to give you an accuracy guarantee that will protect you in the case of an audit.

So to try Tax Act, go to www.com forward slash self-examployment. Again, that's www. www.taxact.com forward slash self-employment. The link will also be in our show notes. Good luck and don't stress. Two years ago, I was combing through the internet and stumbled upon Jackie Schimel of the Bitch Bible, which provoked me to actually wake Michael up from his slumber and tell him that this girl that I randomly found on the internet was going to be a super,

star comedian. I actually did wake you up. Do you remember that? So anyways, the truth of the matter is, I actually met Jackie by internet stalking her. Seems to be a theme this episode with me, huh? If you guys don't know who Jackie is, do yourself a favor and subscribe to her podcast. It will really take you over the edge. She is so funny. You will pee your pants. You will cry laughing. She's a real hoot. I'm telling you. For those of you who don't know Jackie, she's the creator of the bitch Bible, blog and podcast, and like I said, she tells it like it is. She touches on every aspect of celeb life in her podcast. And she's been on the podcast two times before, like Michael said, if you haven't listened, you need to listen after this. She's well written, super witty,

and will serve you a platter of reality. She likes a dirty martini with blue cheese olives and is known to bring blue cheese in her purse just in case the restaurant doesn't have any. Sounds like my kind of girl, right? Welcome to the show, Jackie Schimmel. This is the skinny confidential, him and her. Jackie Schimel, third time in the Dear Media studio. Well, first time in the Dear Media Studio. No, not my first time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, with you.

Yeah, yeah. And, yeah, well, now I took my thunder there, but now we are back. And here we are excited to be doing this again. And we're going to talk about dating. Oh, I'm so excited. You know, we're like a work threple. What does that mean? It's like a three-person couple.

We're work thruple. I'm into it. I was wondering, I saw your Instagram story and I was like, what's a thruple? Well, you know, the more you know, cue the rainbow. That's what I do here. I'm just providing you with some wisdom. You always say words that I have to like go Google. Really?

Yeah. Always. Like slang words? No. No, like very high level words. Bullshit. I swear to God. Are you sure I'm not just making shit up?

I'm positive. Are they real words? Yeah. They're real words. Fuck. Isn't it nice we're all under one roof now? It is really nice. He wants you to toot his horn about Dear Media. No, I don't.

I was, I wanted toot Jackie's horn because Jackie. Go ahead. Believed in me when I told her the concept like months and months and months ago, dropped everything to the wind and said, wherever you're going, I'm going. Blind faith. She believed in you? Fisbump it. Yeah, she did.

Blind faith. Was it worth it? Yeah, so far so good. I mean, this view and this lighting alone is totally worth it. I actually fully forced myself into Dear Media. I told Michael, I'm like, listen, when you start a podcast company, I'm coming with you whether you want me or not. He wanted you.

I'm just one step closer to getting to your music producer husband and laying down my mixtape. Your sick beats. Yeah. Close. So Dear Media needs a little bit of a, we need to add a little couple things here. We got to do like a little rose gold refrigerator with rosé chilled in a can. Oh my God.

I love that idea. Daddy Warbucks. Daddy Warbucks. We want a rose gold fridge. I don't ask for much. I want Perrier's. Maybe Tobol Chicos, even, if we're getting honest. But make sure you have a bottle opener, like at the Beverly Hills Hotel one that we have.

Or Missoni Pellegrinos. I'd love a masseuse, too, and a diva light. Yeah. Kate Somerville Facialist. I'm going to send you an email later with all of my requests. This venture is just going to put me fully under. I want M&Ms only yellow. Ooh, I want white ones with my face on it.

So when's the last time we did this ago? We were on your show while back. Was that the last time? Yeah. I think so. But that was a while back. Way back when. Way back when.

And we've, you know, for anybody that's, uh, heard Jackie's episodes with us before, I think this is her third time. Go back and listen. This time we want to do something a little bit different.

And I want you to be, or we want you to be like a dating consultant. Oh, my dream. You're married. We're married. So maybe all of us are going to give. the completely wrong advice here? No, just because I'm on a diet doesn't mean I can't check out the menu. I knew she was going to be like this. I saw Orlando Bloom a couple weeks ago and I turned

my ring around and that's the truth. Because there are a few people that I do not care. My marital vows go out the fucking window. Am I allowed to cuss? Yes. Okay. I forget. I might turn my ring around for Charlie Hunnam. Just being for sure. For sure. I would too. There's like, it's a long list. You can't turn your ring around. It's all one side. Just take it off. No, nope. What about that tan line?

That doesn't come off ever. I don't even think about it. She's probably, there's a tracking device in that ring. This is drilled into my bone. Oh, my God. A tracking device in the ring. But I do that with the phone anyway. You know what I told my friend?

She thought her boyfriend was cheating on her. So I was like, it's so simple. Go get one of those babysitter bears. You know with the camera in it? Right. And say you got him a little bear with a little ribbon on his house. But then you're that crazy bitch. who bought your boyfriend a fucking teddy bear.

But you have to have the bear with the camera so they can watch. So she puts the bear in the house. You don't think the guy would look around. Be like, what's that bear with the like, Yeah, why did that weird ass bitch buy me a build a bear? Thinking eye. It starts like sparking. It has like a fuse problem.

Okay. So dating 2018 in the internet. When is the last time that you actually went on a date? Because how long been with Andrew now? Ugh. So long. Like seven years. Okay.

So it's been like almost like 2000, almost prior 2010 since you've been on a date. Unfortunately, yeah. So. I love my husband. But, you know, yeah. Seven years is a long time. It's almost, I haven't been on a date since pre 2000. Well, I can answer that's the right word.

Oh, don't fuck it up, Michael. 2008. Who? Where? Why? Yeah. So who was that bitch? What?

Yeah, that's a long time. So 10 years. So who know. Okay. So. Okay. Last time you're dating. Mm-hmm.

has been over almost eight years. Yeah, so depressing. So what advice would you give to all the people dating now? Oh, Jesus Christ. First of all, I mean, I don't know if I'm in the minority here, but I think dating in 2018 seems so fun. It's like online shopping. The fact that you can scroll through these profiles, like in the convenience of your own home,

like in a snuggy, just hammered with a face mask. I don't know that anything sounds more appealing to me in general. I mean, think about how much work it just got out of the way, right? You have to just show up and peacock around, especially for guys, right? Totally. You know, I don't want to be sexist, but you don't have to like show up and then approach somebody. You can basically just swipe left or right and then. I love it.

I find it to be very black and white, no shades of gray. Here's what I don't like about it, though. For a guy to upload his profile picture, most likely he's taking it like in the mirror, flexing his muscles. Like he has a casual protein shake, like sitting on the counter. I just, it's hard for me to get on board with even doing the shopping that way. Like, I don't know if I want to shop that way. I almost would rather date. But then you swipe left on those. Like, you got to find the right profile. Like a guy should be, it shouldn't be posy. It shouldn't be like a selfie. It shouldn't be douchey. You have to really navigate it. So in that aspect, it's kind of difficult.

but I mean what was your question Michael I completely fucking what would what would yours be like what would your picture be I feel like yours would would merge on douche do you want to know what mine would be what I really thought this out but my question was fucked up before because I went too too broad with it so now we're going to go yeah more targeted fine fine tune it to answer what my picture would be yeah it would be a bunch of pictures of Lauren and I and it would just say the skinny confidential is X and that's all it would be Diabolical. I feel like they wouldn't come for me, but I feel like people would come just to,

you know, they were like, it must have been something right when I was with her for a while. So you would use pictures of me to get a new girl. It definitely wouldn't be me alone like doing a pose. Hmm. I feel like it would be before you met me. Yeah, what would your, what would your pre-Loran profile?

Let's call it a Raya profile. Well, when I first got back together with him, he was in a bar wearing overalls without a shirt. on. No, no. Are you serious? No, I was at a costume party. I don't care if that was a costume party. I was at a costume party in college and I wasn't in oh I wasn't what do you call the romper? No, it was it was overall it wasn't my best moment for sure but it wasn't I wasn't even you weren't around you were wearing overalls without a shirt on just

admit in a bar she saw no she saw a picture old picture no listen I'll bring up the picture and put it on Instagram. Everyone else can decide. Back then, yeah, you're probably right. It would probably been like terrible, terrible Raya and whatever other photos. What would your song be? Because that's how you really can tell what kind of guy, like what they're, you know, the slideshow for people who don't know Raya, you have to put photos up.

I don't know about other dating sites. But you do like a slide show and then you have to pick a song. I want to preface this with saying that I would be the absolute worst person in the dating scene because I haven't been dating for 10 years. Like basically my whole real adult life. We don't need your whole life story. Just tell us what the song would be. Yeah. Cut to the chase.

Oh my God. I don't know. I probably, like I believe I can fly or something. No, no. At this point it probably be some type of like Sinatra sound or something because. Sinatra? You and every other guy. That is that's too hot.

Ooh. Yeah, too on the nose. Listen, I'm like a heavy metal kid. So I couldn't, I couldn't lead in with, you know, some heavy metal. Yeah. I can't. I feel like you would put a Bossa Nova song on. Couldn't lead in with Ride the Lightning from Metallica.

They'd be like, what the fuck's this guy. be like this guy's a little aggressive. No, I'd have to find something. Again, I'd probably have to pull something from something from Lauren. I'm, you know, probably have to ask my ex what would, what she would choose. So he really, like, could not exist without you. You are the pillar of strength holding up the Coliseum. I, look, like you said, it looks kind of fun to be on the online dating world,

but at the same time, it looks completely miserable. So what I'm trying to do here on this episode is, like, how do we give some valuable advice to people that are in that scene, while also knowing that all of us have not been in that scene. Well, this is going to be interesting. My best advice is to keep it one hundo all the time. Like, don't go into a date playing the cool girl. Like, you're so fun and you love hiking and, oh, I love steak with fries and I'll get a margarita too.

Woo! Like, if you're a crazy-ass vegan who wants to wake up at 6 a.m. And do Pilates, that's cool too. But, like, let's just be transparent. I completely agree. and you just sprinkle in a little self-awareness with that. Oh, yeah. And it's a great medley.

For life in general. Yes, totally. So your advice would be to just like, because actually now that I'm thinking about it, I think I would have to go into it telling them exactly what I'm about and what I want. Because at this time, I don't have. What do you mean? What would you want to? What are you talking about?

I didn't know we were talking about like what life is like without me. So I want to get into this. I don't have time to pretend and wade through at this point. Right. Like I got to, that wouldn't work. I think self-awareness is really important. especially after watching The Bachelor. I have not been the biggest Bachelor watcher,

but I've been watching it lately. And I just think, you just, you can't lead with desperation. It's not cute. No, you got to lead with confidence. You got a lead with, you could take it or leave it. I always call it meh.

I could take it or leave it. You know, the poodle. You're aloof. Yeah. I always tell, like, everyone that, like, reaches out about a guy, act like a poodle. Put your tail up. Yes.

Or a shitsu. Yeah. Like, you know the nail emoji that's like, meh. Totally. Yeah. Don't like, blow your load and make people, that was the wrong thing to say.

No, it's amazing. You know what I mean? Like, be cool about it, but not too cool. Right. You don't want to be the too cool girl, but you don't want to be someone that's leaving a yourself, but like a better, more bitchy, standoffish version. Okay. We're going on a lot of tangents. Sorry. What?

Okay, so. Sorry, Dad. A lot of us have friends dating. What do you see the biggest mistakes your friends are making in the online dating? women particularly. Needy, needy and stupid. Needy and stupid. The worst combination.

Just like needing companionship to a point of desperation where you don't care if you are going out with a guy who like beats his dog and has one leg and like maybe some type of a brain aneurism problem. And you're still going out with him because it's Friday and you can't be alone and oh my God, everyone has plans. It's pathetic and stupid. And you need to like get your shit together. Because if you don't want to hang out with you alone, why the fuck does anybody else want to hang out with you?

They don't. So like what's the. And stupid. So what. So that's a lot of overview. But what like, so how do you, how do you, how do you, how do you, what are the steps you take to? You get busy. Get busy. Get busy. Get busy. You know, my grandma always used to say, get interested outside yourself.

So, you know, go go out with a friend, go read a book, go watch a movie. I like to do things alone all the time. I'm a huge fan of going to a restaurant with a hooded jacket and eating sushi on my computer. Me too. Maybe some socky. Same. Like I don't ask for much. I just think it's really important to get busy.

I think when you're always available, it's a big turnoff. And I would say if I'm going to chew my own horn here, that I was too busy for you for 10 years. Right? I mean, I was too busy for you. So I feel like that made you lean in instead of out. Totally. It's attractive. No, I mean, guys want a challenge.

I think everybody wants a challenge, not just guys, guys and girls. Yeah, I think so. And I think that it's, you know, like girls dating now, girls and guys, I would say. It's the level of desperation of just needing companionship is so overwhelming. And if you meet someone that's just like kind of decent, that's like not a serial killer, you're so excited about it that all of your not, not, not, I don't want to say requirements. What's the word? standards standards kind of take a back seat i have a lot of girlfriends that i see dating and they're dating these guys that are fucking terrible and i hate them but they are so excited to have someone to go see

a movie with and you got to do you what do you think that what do you think causes that issue like what do you think the root cause of that is you think it's just our need in security okay because if you think you're the shit you want someone that's also the shit Yeah, I mean, I think you have to choose what you want your energy to be surrounded with. Like, I just, I think, you know, some of these girls, they, they want to go to the movie so bad. Like you say with someone, why not go by yourself? I love going to the movies by myself. Going to the movies by yourself is badass, I think.

I go once a week by myself. Every single week I go see a movie by myself. A matinee. That's amazing. It's like my ritual. No, I can't sit that long. but I mean maybe one day I would. Does Leo go with you?

No, but I went to the movie by myself last week and I saw a woman with the service dog. And I was like, you go, girl. And then I found out she was like blind or something, which is weird because she was seeing a movie. But too soon, too real. No, but then I'm going to start. Okay, I like it. Yeah. Okay, so it's basically get busy.

Michael's like edit that out. We're going to keep it all in. But I guess what I'm trying to do is because all of us are in relationship and there's a lot of people that write in and saying like how do you how do you get into a successful relationship? They're dating and it's hard to give at least from my perspective the dating advice because I've been out of it for so long, but I'm trying to find like character traits or not even character traits. What is the word I'm looking for? For the girl or for the guy. For girl and guy or behaviors that lead to what can be considered a successful relationship. And I don't want to use our relationships as like the pinnacle of that because there's obviously. challenges, but like, how do you coach somebody, if we could, to find love and have a successful relationship? I think you really just can't lean into it too much. I think you just have to have your own independence and your own confidence. Be able to stand alone. If you able to stand alone,

that's so attractive to people when you could take it or leave it and you're me. I know I keep saying meh, but like that's how it is, you know. And don't ignore red flags. Like, I feel like people turn a blind eye and people show you who they are in time and if people are doing you know it's like one strike two strike three strikes you're out right you know what's a red flag for you basically everything is a red flag

for me I am full full gone girl I mean I am looking I'm married and I'm still looking and I am convinced that one day Andrew is going to snap because he's just a little bit too even keeled and I think that's a red flag everything's a fucking red flag but listen if a guy is non-committal at the beginning and oh you know I don't want to have a label or I just don't I'm not you know I need to

focus on me or work or this like bullshit if a guy wants to date you he's going to want to date you guys are like animals totally want to claim their prize I always say that if a guy wants to call you he's going to call you or text you you do not need to text them don't do it that's like not my thing let the guy come to you let him pursue you yes I think in any relationship girl and girl like be pursued it's yeah it's by Let the men hunt. Let the woman, you know, be, I mean, now I'm sounding a little bit sexist, but guys are flowing with testosterone. Biologically, we're not the same. So let them pursue you. Okay. But say you're being pursued by someone you don't like. We can do that scenario too, but say guys pursuing you really hard and you're trying to,

you know, act like a poodle or whatever. Or act a loop. How at what point, at what point, at what point do you give in and then give the guy an opening? Because that's another problem. I really like to make them sweat. Like, totally. When I was dating back in the day, four scorn seven years ago, I like to make them sweat. I kind of get off on it, which is fucked up. No, me too. But I just, I just think it's a game. I've always, like, my dad told me when I was little, I have a key. And to keep my key, like, I think he was talking about my virginity looking back. Yeah, I was going to say, an actual key. He's like, you have a key. Don't let anyone take your key. So I always feel like I just like to dangle it like a little carrot. Your dad also had the creepiest analogies with you.

I mean, yeah. When you said key, I just thought maybe you're like your vagina or your hymen or your vagina. Yeah. I think he was talking about that but he was calling it a key. Well, I'll take that. Key is a little bit better than, you know, him sitting you down at like age six and being like, listen, honey. Yeah. Yeah. He's a key. Only daddy has the key to love. No, I just think I'm Everyone has a key and you can just keep the key tight. Like, why not dangle it as long as you can dangle it? I mean, I remember dating a guy a long time ago. And I literally didn't have sex with him for like nine months.

And I thought it was so funny the whole time. And he just kept coming around. He kept coming around. And I was like, hmm. I did that with a guy, but he had a micro penis. Oh. I'm not joking. I was so into him and he was so perfect on paper.

And then, well, he humped my leg first, which is a true story. I had to have said this on your podcast. I don't think you told us this one. Okay, he was so cute and nice, and my family loved him. And I'm like, oh, my God, I think this is going to be my husband. Like, so compatible. We're at dinner. He let me order my own appetizer and salad and entree.

So, you know, back in the day, that was really exciting for me. And we were in the valet and he, like, whisked me to the side. And I'm thinking, oh, my God, this is so steamy. He's so hot and seduct. then he crouched down and hovered his genitalia on my kneecap and looked up at me like a broken rescue animal and was like, is this okay? And I was like, is what okay? I thought he was, I swear to God, because he was leaning, I'm like, is he going to propose? Is he going to like give me something? I didn't know what the fuck was going on. He starts dry humping my leg to fruition. So just let that sit with you.

How did that finish? Like, how did that? It was like a grunt. I got on my Blackberry. I started texting my roommate. I was like, you have to come get me. I don't have a car. My leg is being assaulted right now.

He's got to buy you more than dinner to hump your leg. You know what's the sickest part? And this is, I do have a moment of reflection. So I feel like I can talk about doing. What year was this is? This was 2000. Michael, does this a year make a difference? Yes.

Maybe like 2010, like right before I started dating. Andrew. Yeah, see, I wanted to know how quickly Andrew looked real good after this. Once you've had your leg humped, like, I mean, I could have just like gone to fucking Skid Row and hung out with a meth dealer. Well, Michael had a girl that ate glass once. We've already done this story. Yeah, but you've got to tell it really quickly again. For fun? Yeah, just for fun and sake. No,

not for fun. No, we ended up, uh, we ended up breaking out. She didn't eat glass. She just bit through a wine glass, but she didn't eat the glass. So she was excuse me? Yeah, can you like give us context? I'll tell the story briefly. We ended up and it, not breaking up, but just, you know, kind of going our separate ways. And she kicked down my apartment door. Love her. And she was holding this.

It was all, we all lived in this complex. I don't know. In college and she, I was there with all my roommates. She was way taller than him too. Oh. Yeah, she was tall. And she was drinking this wine glass. I think, you know, like in college you have those cheap wine glasses, but she bit, I think she was so angry.

She bit through the glass. And it was in her mouth. And she was like, why aren't we together? And my buddy looked at her and he was like, probably. because you're eating glass and it was just this super wild. She bit into a wine glass? She didn't eat the glass. Stop defending her.

Okay. She just broke the glass. I feel like you've had a lot of different personalities. Listen, Lauren, I am one of the hosts of the show and we will not turn this on me. Okay. I like to find out little nuggets here and there. I love a nugget. So we've talked about mistakes.

What are some of the, okay, for the guys that are listening? What are some of the biggest mistakes you see guys, making in the online dating space. There's so many. From what your friends are telling both of you. Remember your friend Taylor last time? How could we forget? I mean, I went through his dating profile.

And that would be like a great place to just start with what not to do. Let's use him as an example. Let's use that as an example. Because I mean, it's been a while. I haven't seen him in a while. He's been on time out big time. Oh, I see. Yes.

He's doing my podcast artwork. So I probably shouldn't talk too much shit about him. Are he's going to make me look fat? No, he loves it. He loves it. Okay, good. Um, his profile, I remember there were a lot of selfies. There was a lot of like, was it like a, like a ball grazing hemlock?

Like his pants were very low. It just reads like any guy, this is, I'm just going to speak personally, any guy that would go into a bathroom and take his shirt off and like prepare himself and pop a leg and do a selfie and then have the nerve to put it on the internet is a sick. motherfucker. I don't get it. I don't understand it and I don't like it and I don't support it. What if there's an oil involved on the chest? And what if there's a face tune involved?

Please tell me that he facetune's his photos. I think he might face tune a little. Between girls in like bikini shots and guys shirtless. Such a difference. It's so different. Okay, that like you guys visceral reaction. Yeah, well, what do you mean? You don't know the difference?

No, but I'm saying like girls can get away with it. Guys can't. Exactly. It's the upside of sexism is that we can post photos whenever the hell we want with our tits out because we feel like it and we just want that double tap life. Yep. And you know what else? I can't with the strategically placed items.

Like I can't with the protein powder like turned out so you can see the label and then it says like testosterone on it. Ugh. You know what I mean? Like the whole. Micropenus. Micropenus. Micropinus.

Micropinus. So what is some practical? tactical advice you could give someone like a Taylor. Okay. If they're actually trying to woo a woman. No selfies. No selfies. Just don't do it.

Guys, stay away from the selfies. It's weird and it's just stay in your lane. And also the guys that hire a professional photographer to get their Tinder profile. That's even worse, actually. That's way worse. Show the layers of yourself. You know, it's okay. You know, yes, you travel.

Don't take excess travel picks. we don't need to see you at all the most glamorous fabulous places. Don't need to see your car. Do not, do not post a picture of your fucking car. Don't do it. It's like, especially the guys who are like, check out my new Mitsubishi with the spoiler on the back. Like, what are you doing?

Why are you doing that? Why do you have black? Like, just stop it. So what should they do? Be normal. Tone it down. Be like if you really want the way into a girl's heart, be. be chivalrous, pick her up or don't.

People don't like doing that anymore. Okay, specifically. Pay for her Uber. Pay for her car. Because my friend was going on a date with someone in Malibu. Uh-huh. And she's from West Hollywood. Uh-huh.

And he wants her to come out there. And that's a long track. Yes. Pay for the Uber. Get the car. Pay for the Uber. I mean, that is like common sense. You were really good in the beginning.

You took all my friends to P.F. Chang's and I'll never forget that. That's sweet. I knew that Chinese chicken salad was, what is it, the Kung Pao chicken? Do you know that I've never been to a fucking P.F. Chang's before? Oh, you should go and get the calamari. It's so good. By the way, it's so in my wheelhouse. I can't believe I haven't been. Yeah, I kind of can't believe it. I die for a P.F. Chang. Go alone with a hoodie.

Play your cards right in the new studio and you might have P.F. Chang's in your near future. Okay, perfect. I'm going to be on my best behavior for the rest of the day. Razerburn's also a no, Taylor. If you have Razorburn, like, I don't know. I don't fix it. Why does he shaves his balls? Let's not specifically talk to Taylor. Wow. Do you have any tips for all your guy friends out there?

I feel like your friends. What about your friend S and the bear fucker shot? What I was trying to get through to you guys. The what? I told that on the show. What I was trying to get through here is like, okay, you guys both have a lot of guy friends and a lot of girlfriends. I have a lot of guy friends. What do you see them, like the ones that are doing it successfully?

What are they doing successfully? and the ones that are really screwing up. Taylor's screw up example. But the guy, because I know you have guys that are doing it well. Oh, I have guys that are doing it so well. So what are they doing? See, this is a good question.

Your questions before are a little vague. You're putting us on the spot. Questions could use some polishing. Yeah. Well, I'm trying to, I'm getting there. Real easy over there, just asking all the hard hitting questions. Okay, the guys that I know that are doing it really, really well. A, like their work game is totally in order.

So they already are very confident. confident in what they're doing. They're killing it professionally. So I don't know if that trickles down to their love life where they just have like an extra sense of confidence or whatever. I think it means they have something going on that they're competent. That they're passionate about. She's not talking about you, Michael. Step away from home. I'm saying. This is about you, Michael. This is all, yeah, this is all innuendo about Michael. So they've got that kind of covered. They're not stressed. They're not insecure. They're whatever. they play it really really really cool they're charming they always all my guy friends always take a girl

out to dinner always so and they're they're very proactive about it like i've been out and seen a cute girl my best friend um Andrew's the best man at our wedding who's one of my close friends too his game is out of control and I could literally text him a phone number of someone that I met that I thought was cute and he will call her on the phone and without ever having met her face to face and invite her to go to dinner, send her a car, and then plays it really cool from there on out. But wait, so you've told me about this guy. So what does he do, though, when they become in love with him?

This happens a lot. He's always nice. He's pretty honest and upfront about it. Like, he's not going to string you along. So what does he say? I mean, he's gone out with quite a few people that I've set him up with. And a lot of the time, it's a one and done situation. And I respect that because, you know, he's not lonely on a Friday and just trying to like have a meal with someone.

So if he feels it, he pursues it. And if he doesn't, he does not. And the whole time, he's pretty open about, you know, I'm not going to, we're not going to be like monogamous. Okay, but I want to know. I don't want to get specific about this guy because I know Lauren will try to make this about this one guy. And I want to make it more about what guys can apply. It's also about you, babe. About what guys can apply.

So like when you said something like, he always takes him to dinner. Are guys not taking girls to dinner? I feel like there's a lot of people are doing like the late night drinks. I think coffee is bullshit. I know you're not drinking right now, Michael, which I'm just- I started again. Oh, thank God. I'm severely judging you from afar for that.

I was like, really? Well, he only said it about 800 times if he wasn't drinking. And I went and I started again and I drank sake, whiskey, beer, tequila, and wine in one night and it was, and I had a complete disaster. I heard about it for about three days. Oh, really? I'm sick. I think what happens I took so long off that I just had to get all of it back in.

Okay, so we're back on, is it on the wagon or off the wagon? Off the wagon. Okay, so we're off the wagon. Okay, good. I want to know, though, how does a girl get the attention for a long-term relationship with someone like the guy you're talking about? You know, because that's an art. My guy friends say it's all about the vibe. I think they're full of shit.

I'd love to think that it's all about the vibe. I do think energy, though, has something to do with it. I think you need to be like a good hang. Not a good lay, a good hang. I think that's really important. I think girls, you have to just, you have to bring a good energy. Be cool. Don't be uncool.

Don't be all uncool. Yeah, just be cool. Be cool. And by the way, crazy is cool too. I think that gets confused because crazy girls are the most fun. So you can be crazy. If it's in your loins like it is with ours, let it shine. I would describe us as crazy and cool.

So crazy and cool. We're like gone girls. Don't you think that you want to be with someone for the rest of your life that's cool with a Tad of crazy. Well, I think for girls and guys, the biggest thing is like, there's got to be something to talk about. Like, that's not just mental stimulation. That's a big one. For sure. You don't want to be like Lauren from The Bachelor. Oi they. I haven't seen what everyone's talking about with her. She just like, she is, I mean, it, I would rather watch paint dry for 24 hours straight than go have a coffee with this girl. And what ended up happening? He picked one and then said no to the

Only this kind of a bitch would go back. Okay, he proposes to another girl, okay, on national TV, gets down on one knee, the whole thing, dumps you on camera, and then is with this person for months. And then he decided he changed his mind, like a little pussy, and then goes back to the runner up. And now they're engaged and they're so happy. What, in what world? What female? Is he the most hated man in America right now? You know what?

I kind of am blaming her. I mean, I wouldn't want the sloppy second, you know? I'd be like, listen, motherfucker. And she is just supporting him on that couch after the final rose. What are you doing? But now the other girl's The Bachelor, so she won. So she wins. So she wins.

Yeah, exactly. I mean, I'd want to be The Bachelorette. The Bachelorette. Not the Bachelor. I would love to be The Bachelorette. Although I'd be a great Bachelor contestant too. I would fucking so. It's a game.

I have a good idea because we've gone on so many tangents. This is a good idea. If you guys, both of you, we can, this is, I'll be like playing the interviewer here. If you guys went on to The Bachelor, what would your strategy be? Oh, my strategy. You know that,

I know. I know. With all the numbers above the head and the plus signs and minus signs. Beautiful minds. Yeah, like that, I would have like a room with like news. I would be like, maybe we'll be like Homeland John Nash.

Homeland John Nash. We'll finally get to the answers that we're looking for here. I'm Andrew Kannon in Versace. Like my wall is. What? when he has all the papers. Like, I am planning my attack. It's a game.

It is a game. And I, ooh, I would fucking play that shit so well. Okay. So what would your first step be? My first step would be, here's the thing. You want everyone to like you, but you can't get too close. You know what I'm saying? So I would be, when I was around the other women, that would be like my main foundation is

how I would behave with all the other women because you don't want to make yourself a threat. but you also don't want to be too buddy-buddy because then you're full of shit when you got to be in the middle you got to play you got to like straddle that line yes before you straddle that bachelor you know what I'm saying so I would be very very demure about my relationship with the batch but when I was at the house I'd be making mimoses I'm the life of the party I'm you know asking and providing misguided advice to them so they're like you know are you like he seems so distant I'd give them like very sincere but misguided advice to like fuck with them in the relationship. They think you're drinking, but you're not really.

But I'm not exactly just OJ all the way and I'm just fucking loading them up with champagne all day long. Extra calories, a little loose, you know, the whole thing. This is good to know. I'm so on your page. So I'd start with that. So like all the girls love me, no one's pulling him aside being like, you know, Jackie was saying this.

And you, and I would constantly be downplaying. my relationship with the bachelor and being like, it just seems, I would, I would be planting little seeds everywhere, like a gardener, just seed, seed, seed, seed, seed, like making it like we're on the rocks. Like, I just feel so insecure with my relationship. But meanwhile, while I'm on my one in ones, slinging the game. I'm glad you put a little bit of thought into this. Andrew. Oh, I would be nailing the shit out of this. It is a game, though. I hate when people are like, it's for love. No, it's a game. I was. really just trying to get to like what you could do to get the guy to like you.

Oh, the guy. This was very like. She's right, though. You have to start with the foundation. This is very McAvellian, you know. Absolutely. Now, with the guy, you want to be, I mean, if I was trying to win, I would never be like this in my real life if I was just dating a guy because I'm way too, you know, transparent and impulsive. But if I was on a TV show with a big cash prize at the end, I would never talk badly about the other girls ever.

I know. That's the biggest mistake. You can't talk bad about the other girls because it makes you look insecure. 100%. You never say a bad word about the other girls. They're all fine. You might allude to something with like, you know, a pause or a wince or a... Pass the wine.

We'll talk later. Yeah, I'd be like, I don't want to go there. It's not really my style to talk about people. But meanwhile, you just did. They're like, oh, what about, what about Lauren? You know, she's a nice girl. We're just different. And it's not really my style to talk badly about people.

The word I saw. Boom. Seed planted. Exactly. Dark. Okay. I don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to get. Lauren, are you, you're on my level, right? I'm on the total. I'm watching everything they're doing. The problem is they either stand out too much or too little. So it's a constant balancing act about how to stay in the middle. Right. I feel like we should go on and like counsel girls on the bachelor. This is my dream. I'd be like, what are you doing? Why are you wearing that?

What are you doing? Figure out your bangs. Come on. Let's get it going here. Get the tits out. No crying. No crying. No crying.

Hold that shit in. Go cry in the bathroom. Cry on the inside. Hold a thing like a necklace for your tears. No crying. No, no, no, no, no, no. You know, I will say as a guy, crying is a no go for me too.

I get uncomfortable when people cry around me. I'm not a crier. No. Me either. Why, we're probably married. Yeah. I'm not a cry. Because what are you supposed to do as a man or a woman when someone's bawling crying in front of you?

You know what it is? Actually, I'm going to go back to this. I'm not a crier because I have a strategic reason. I like to hold my cry card in my pocket for a day when I'm ready to attack. A rainy day. A rainy day cry. Yeah. Oh, I'm so with you.

I never cry. That's what I'm thinking. I'm like, I do like to cry sometimes, but it needs to really serve a purpose. Like I want to make him feel so awful and disgusting. But I never do it a lot because if you overdo it, then the tears mean nothing. Yeah. Well, if Lauren cries, which is rare, she's a fucking ice queen. But when she cries, then I really crumble because I'm like, oh, my God, there's something

really wrong. The rainy day cry. But if you, if you're with somebody that's crying all the time, it's like the boy who cried wolf, right? You're like, you're not even sad. You're just like having a menstrual cramp. Like, so fucking cry. Save your tears for when it's worth it.

Like, and you really want to drive the point across. I cried on command last week because I got pulled over by a cop. That's a good one. And it came out of me like lava. First of all, I didn't have my license. I didn't have my plates on. I also had an open container of alcohol in the back of my car because I had thrown Andrew like a birthday dinner.

And I took like, I just had an open thing that I was bringing back to our house. And this was the morning after. And I launched into these tears like you have never seen. And I'm like, I am so sorry. sir, my uncle is a police officer. I first of all, that's a lie. I don't have a police officer in my family at all. So, I mean, I just started launching into this whole sob story.

Didn't even ask for my license. Good thing. Didn't have it on me. And you let me go. 30 seconds later. I'm like, that's why you hold your cry card. You hold your cry card. For any men listening, that does not work for you.

No. If you start crying, you're done. Oh, you're so done. But if you get pulled over and you're nice and kind, that usually works too. You should be nice and kind always, right? Until you need to step it up a notch. But I'm telling you that to get angry never works. I think with customer service reps, you always start nice and accommodating.

And then when they don't cooperate, you kick it up. And then if you got to kick it up one more time, play the nice card. And then you play the aggressive card. And then you play the pushy card. Basically, you're always playing a card. We got a full deck over here. In the relationship, you have your cry card. I think maybe you two are the worst, too, to try to get information out of today for this type of thing.

Why? They have a cry card now. I've realized that there's a lot of manipulation going on. I need to revisit my whole life with both of you. I need to figure out what's going on here. Okay. What would both of your Tinder bios be if you were on Tinder? Ooh.

I would, you know what? You gotta do a good one. It can't be something like, you know. I like long locks and the beat, like, die in a fire. No. Mine would be like acknowledging how awkward writing a bio about yourself is. That's like mine would be like, this is so awkward. I'm not writing a bio about myself on Tinder.

I like it. I have no fucking idea. I have no idea. I haven't put zero thought into this. You know, you've thought about your Tinder picture. There's certain things would you get the like the point of out in my life right now where you just like you can write certain things and thoughts out.

You don't have to even think about anymore. Would you be like uppercase, lowercase, uppercase, lowercase? No, I would. Changing your S's to dollar. signs. I will say that I would have proper grammar. Okay, that's important. For sure. Would you just write boss for your last name? No, I would not. Oh my God with two dollar signs. Yeah. Yep. Yeah, that's creative. I would have no clue. I would honestly, I'm telling you, I would be the worst person for online dating because it's been, I wouldn't even know where to begin. You know, my whole life,

I've never even had a chance on online date. Well, you never are going to have a chance. So that works out really, really good for you. I would either be really, really, really bad or because I'm so ignorant about the whole thing, I'd be really, really, really good. That has an appeal too. Right. For guys, we'll never know. That's an appeal. They're not like so, they're not like so well-oiled machines in the online dating

scape. That's attractive. If they know what they're doing too much, like why are you not? Like, I have a friend. I love an Instagram with like a Nashville filter because they have no clue what to do and there's no pictures of themselves. And it's just nothing what they're eating, but just like a couple pictures with friends. That's a good account.

With a Nashville filter? You know Nashville? like the filter on Instagram. It's like the worst filter and you just put Nashville on it. It's like they have no idea what they're doing. I don't like guys who filter. I feel like it shows too much effort. You do a little filter.

I don't filter. You filter and you always do that one that makes me look like a pale ghost. You are a media figure so you're allowed to. I'm not even described as a media figure. The things we're going to talk about at dinner tonight. It's going to be all the compliments that you've given him. I feel like I haven't given him that many compliments. I've never been described as a media figure.

Oh. Do you like media figure or public? figure. Yeah, what do you like? Just a star? Kind of neither. I don't know. I don't want to be a figure. I just want to be. You're thinking about it. I like to just be a normal human being. Because then I don't have to. Just with exceptional qualities.

Just a superior human. Just want to be. See, that's, that, I think that's where I'd run into trouble is I'm not that good at managing social media. We're still talking about your dating bio. Haven't we exhausted that? I'm trying to think about what I would do here. And I really like, when you asked me what I would do, I'm completely stumped and I didn't realize that I would be this terrible at online dating. But you would be better than most because, like, you have an Instagram.

You know how to, like, do the thing. Andrew would die alone for sure. Because he doesn't, he would be so fucked. The guy can barely, I mean, love him. Does he even have Instagram? I tried to follow him. No, he has one from years ago, but he doesn't even. He doesn't even.

He would just say, hey, you know, I don't know, but you want to go to my music studio. You know what? I wouldn't have a dating profile. I really wouldn't. I would not have one. Yeah. I would just, I think, fly to San Trope. sit outside in the cafe, put some oil on my leg.

Bikini. Bikini, you know, sit with a book. You know what I mean? Like a book, like, and put the bookmarking it. Like, I've been like bookmarking it. So I look really intelligent and smart. Yes, an intellect. And not look at them, but just do a grin.

Like, I'm laughing at my book. And just sit there. Because you're just free-spirited and well-traveled. Instead of this, I'm well-traveled. I'm reading. My legs are oiled up. You know what I mean? For sure.

That's how I would date. Sometimes, Dawn and I play a game. Like, if we weren't together, like, what areas are you allowed to go to? Because, you know, like, this is my area. This is your area. Like, where can you leave? Because I wouldn't stay here. I'd be out.

Oh, you'd be, yeah. Gone. Oh, yeah. I'm holding him back here. Oh. Oh, yeah. I would have to go somewhere else. I think you would go somewhere else, too.

Rapunzel. Yeah, I would go somewhere. Can I have New York? Nope. You can have Minnesota. Oh, yeah. You could, yeah, Minnesota. You could do really well in Minnesota.

Okay. Minnesota it is. Minnesota, here I come. You can have a coffin. I feel like we haven't answered any specific questions. Yes, we have. We've given so many ideas of people that are on dating sites. We've talked about the fake cry.

We've talked about how to win the Bachelor and Bachelorette. That in itself is a hidden jewel. Yeah. And by the way, the Bachelor and Bachelorette tips can be applied to real life. If you're going on a group date. Oof. Yeah. And be cool.

And you know what another good tip is? Like, be cool with the friends. Don't be an asshole. That's a good one. Because if, I mean, they say it doesn't matter, but I would be really bugged if my friends didn't love who I was with. Yeah, I think it's really, really important for them to fall in love with the friends. You've got to be, I mean, I think that's a huge part of our relationship. It sounds like it was for you.

Bro down with the guys. You want them on your side ultimately. Yeah. What's cool about both of you, chicks, is that. Keep it coming. Yep. Is that I feel like with Lauren, in Lauren's case, she has relationships with my friends outside of me. And I feel like you're the same with Andrew's friends.

I think they would all choose me in a burning building. Actually, Andrew's best friend, John said that at our wedding, that he would save me. I made him put that in the speech. Yes. And you know what? Our best man, his best man was basically my maid of honor too. Because I just feel like forming relationships with the friends makes it even deeper. So like he can't leave.

I lead with fear there. Yes. Oh, that's a great. That's a great relationship. All the friends call me to have 200 questions. Like they want to know every little detail. And I just think that that's a good way to go. Fear is a great foundation for relationships.

I've said this before. I think I said this on your podcast. I mean that. They should be a little bit scared. Yeah, you never know. I'm always scared. You should be, you should sleep with a fucking eye open, okay?

Yeah, for sure. I know. It's a good thing, though. It's exciting, don't you think? Yeah, nothing like. I think Taylor would pick me. Weston would pick me. I love to like ask.

them too. I'm like, who would you pick? Oh yeah. I ask everybody. Yeah. I think about it. You have no one else to ask questions to, girly questions. You're just going to have to deal with Michael. It's pretty downhill. Yeah. Totally. Well, we're going on Jackie's podcast right now. We're doing a little switcheroo. She's at the bitch Bible on iTunes and pimp yourself out to the audience. Give your Instagram handle and everything. Okay. I'm at Jackie Schimmel. S-C-I-M-M-E-L. And subscribe to my podcast, The Bitch Bible, by Dear Media. Plug, plug, plug. And is there anything else I should be plugging, Michael?

No. Okay. Did you do what Lauren did and go Jackie Schimel Haas? Or did you do Jackie Haas? I have not changed my name at all yet, but I am going to be Jackie Schimel Haas. Yeah, you know why we do that? Because Kim Kardashian-West, that's the way to do it now. Okay, that's the cool thing.

Yeah, that's Lauren Everett's Bostic. Okay, I like it. Yeah. I like a lengthy name. Yeah, it's a lengthy name. I'm into it. He loves when I say bostick. Andrew is like dying for me to change my last name. Both, I like both your last names.

Schimel's a little Jewy. I like it though. Schimel. It's like rhinoplasty for days. Are we still recording? Thank you for coming on. Thank you.