The Bossticks - 7 Major Reasons Relationships Fail

Episode Date: December 20, 2021

#419: On today's episode Lauryn and Michael are solo sharing 7 major reasons they believe relationships fail. The couple give examples and context on each of the reasons and list them in order of importance for listeners to analyze and think about for their own relationships.  To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) This episode is brought to you by The Skinny Confidential  The Hot Mess Ice Roller is here to help you contour, tighten, and de-puff your facial skin and It's paired alongside the Ice Queen Facial Oil which is packed with anti-oxidants that penetrates quickly to help hydrate, firm, and reduce the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles, leaving skin soft and supple. To check them out visit www.shopskinnyconfidential.com now.  This episode is brought to you by House Of Wise.  House of Wise launched last year in the pandemic by a single mom looking to help her friends drink less, sleep better, have better sex and make the most out of their workouts while juggling the demands of being a woman.  House of Wise is helping women take control of their sleep, sex, stress and strength through originally formulated and effective CBD products. Go to www.houseofwise.co and use promo code SKINNY to get 20% off your first SLEEP, SEX, or STRENGTH product.  This episode is brought to you by Better Help We want you to start living a happier life today. Get connected online to licensed therapists at accessible prices to make sure yu are taking care of your mental health. As a listener, you'll get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor at www.BetterHelp.com/skinny This episode is brought to you by Nutrafol Nutrafol's goal is to empower women to embrace the beauty of their hair growth recovery with Nutrafol Postpartum by targeting the root causes of postpartum thinning hair-like the physical stress of childbirth and emotional stress of parenting, as well nutrient depletion. Visit www.nutrafol.com and use promo code SKINNY to save $15 off your first month's subscription and free shipping.  This episode is brought to you by ARRAE Arrae was created to help women feel the best so they can be their best, through targeted products which are 100% natural, filler-free, organic, and formulated by a Naturopathic Doctor. For 10% off, go to arrae.com and use code 'tsc' at checkout. Produced by Dear Media 

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code skinny it. Check out for 10% off of one-time purchases or 25% off your first month on a subscription. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to the skinny confidential, him and her.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the skinny confidential him and her podcast. Today is another solo episode. Yeah, we said we're going to do more of these. We're sticking to our promise, at least for now. We're sticking to our promise. see if we can get along with each other. This episode, we're going to call seven major reasons relationships fail.

And for those of you that are new to the show, maybe we, even for those that have been listening for a while, maybe we should give some context of why we feel we can speak to this subject. You know, my dad told me a long time ago, I don't know if you know this long. He said, I hate to give relationship advice because if I say I give relationship advice and I say, yes, you should pursue or no, you should not pursue, it typically never ends so well for the person giving the advice.

If something works out and they didn't give the advice, then maybe they're in trouble. Or if it doesn't work out and they said for it to work out. So he was very cautious about giving me relationship advice when I was growing up. And I think we've been kind of cautious about giving blanket relationship advice to people that listen to this show. But after so many years being together and so many years doing the show and so many people requesting that we talk more about relationships, we thought, okay, let's do so. So Lauren, maybe you could give a little bit of background about why, after all this time, we think we can give relationship advice. because I think, you know, we've had some things at work.

Well, I agree with you. And I think that everyone is so different and each situation is so different. So, like, this is what works for us. And this is our advice for what works with us. And if you guys can pick up a little gem in here, great. I feel that we have the history because I've known you since we were 12 fucking years old. That's part of it. I don't expect everyone to know each other since they were 12 and have it, like, as long of

relationship as us, but we've also been together, what now, 15 years? So we, I just want to give context of our relationship. So we, quote unquote, dated when we were 12, 13, and 14, we broke up, we went our separate ways. We did not reconnect until after college. When we reconnected, we ended up, what, we've been together. Yeah, I don't know how long we've been together. That's so bad. I don't know. Well, since I was like, a long fucking time. So we've been together for 15 years. We've been together that whole time. We haven't broken up. We haven't taken breaks. At this point, now we obviously work together, we have businesses together, we have a child together, we have dogs together. I take breaks sometimes. It just depends on my mood. Sometimes I take a break. You might not know we're on a

break, but we're taking a break. I want to jump into reasons why, you know, this whole episode's about why we think relationships don't work. And this is also coming from our own experience. It's coming from speaking to a lot of people that we've met. It's speaking from experience with our friends, with our family, and just kind of sitting back from our perspective, again, from our perspective, analyzing why we think relationships fail. And we do talk about this a lot. Like, we have a lot of purposeful, meaningful conversations on this subject. I think it's important to talk about it and lay it up front.

Like, we examine, even like with our friends or people in the media, we'll talk about why, and not in a negative way, it's just like, why is this not working? And how can we learn something from this? So that's kind of what this episode is about is the things that we wrote down together, that really aren't working and it wouldn't work for us. Yeah. Well, and honestly, like Lauren and I have a lot of, obviously, hopefully, friends outside of this show. And some of those friends are getting into relationships that are in relationships. And Lauren and I have been together for a while. So we get approached and asked to give this advice privately all the time.

And we thought, you know, we speak to this audience on such a broad scale every week. Like, why not share some of the advice that we're giving to our friends and our personal lives to some of the audience members on this show? So let's jump into it. Lauren and I made this list together. There's seven numbers on here. I'm sure there's all sorts of other reasons, but these are the seven one, the seven reasons that we think, and seven major reasons that we think relationships fail. And number one on that list is you settle and you're mismatch from the start. A hundred percent. I see women especially, I had talked to them via DM or when I had the Facebook group and they are settling to check the box

that society has presented to them. So they feel rushed because maybe they want to have kids right away, or they feel like they just need to marry whoever is going to, like, fit the description of, like I said, what society tells you to do. Personally, and I talk about this a lot, I feel like I would be single if I wasn't married to you. And I would be really fine with that. I accept the bar really high, huh? I don't, well, okay, you could take it about yourself. But actually what I was saying is that, like, I just wouldn't want to be in a relationship that I was settling. for to appease other people, to appease my parents, to appease what other people think. I think

that being single is fine. For me, like, if I was single, I would freeze my eggs and I would go on my journey of self-discovery without a mate. Like, that's what I would do. And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I think that you should have high standards for yourself, like just be the best version of yourself in every single way, but also high standards for your partner. I was talking to my dad yesterday, Lauren doesn't know this. And I was asking him how his parents, who later got divorced, got together. And my dad was born, you know, 1940 something. So he's a little bit older. But back in the day, he was saying, you know, there was not as many options as we have now, right? Like they grew up, they were in a small town, small community. Everybody kind of knew everybody.

His parents kind of went to high school together. And it was like, there was limited options of people. So I think, you know, historically looking back, that's kind of how you found a mate. It was like the person in proximity. We live in a time now where everybody's connected. There's abundance of connections. And you can find people. And with that, you can also take your time. You know, you don't want to be so picky that you never find anybody.

But also, we're past the days where you just have to take what's right in front of you. You can all spend some time looking around seeing what fits. And you talk about women settling, but men settle too, right? A hundred percent. It's not just women or men. And it's not just in heterosexual companies. It's people just settling in general. They're mismatched from the start.

They just say, okay, I need to get a. mate, I need to be settled down, I need to have a family, I need to have kids right now, and they're telling themselves that they need to do something with a certain time table. And so they just take what's right in front of them. Yeah, I know someone who feels like they should be in a relationship and they're living together and they're playing house. But meanwhile, he has a total wandering eye. And whenever I talk to him, I'm like, just break up with the person that you're with and go have your wandering eye and go get your rocks off and go get your blue balls settled. But,

it's like to play house because that's what the picture like society created for us is supposed to be. In my opinion, like, why not just be single and live alone? Well, I think people would say that's easier for you to say, Lauren, because you're in a relationship, right? So I'm empathetic to that. And I'm also empathetic that some of this conversation, especially as we go through this list, may hit a nerve with some people. But ultimately what we're trying to accomplish here is to point out to people why relationships could get off the track and why it could fail? I've talked about this a lot on the skinny confidential blog about how I just feel like when it comes to a mate that you're going to spend potentially the rest of your life with and raise

children and talk about work and have all these really deep conversations with and lay in bed next to every single night that it's important to really sit down and write down your expectations. So what I would do if I was single is I would write down the expectations that I have for myself. I would make a list. And then I would write down expectations that I would. I have an mate. And I'm not saying it has to check every single box of your expectations, but just get like a theme of who you're looking for. Do you want someone who's funny, laid back? Do you want someone who's more type A? Do you want someone really organized, anal? Like, what are the things that really matter to you? And then I would say, like, pick the top three that are

the most important. And don't settle outside of those top three. And I also think that, and we talk about this all the time, that the reason you find most people settling is they have this false clock attached to their dating life, right? Yeah. They've said, I have to have kids at this age. I have to be married at this time. I have to be here. So what happens is you end up staying with somebody just because your parents want you to get married. Your friends are getting married.

Your friends are having kids. You're doing this. And you feel like you got to keep up with their lives. You have to do you. Lauren and I are both very type A and horse blinders on and aren't paying attention to what everyone else is doing. I know that's not so easy for everyone. but if you're feeling pressure from outside forces and that's dictating your relationship

and who you're with, that's a big red flag that you should examine. Yeah, I think I see a lot of people that's like mom or dad is saying, when are you going to get married? And then the problem is, is that you get engaged. Let's say you get engaged off that question

and you're settling. And then they say, when are you going to get married? And then they say, when are you going to have kids? Well, in our case, when you have a kid, they say, when's the second kid coming up? It's on and on. So it's just everyone's going to ask questions and there are some condescending ones,

like, let's be real, passive aggressiveness happening. You just have to do your own thing. Like, you and I stayed engaged for four years. That's a really long time. Most people get married after a year. We did our own thing. We beat to our tune of our own drum.

And you've got to do what works for you and to just be listening to all these outside voices. Like, what do you actually want? Have an honest conversation with yourself. Yep. So to sum this one up, I think relationships fail. We think relationships fail, number one on the list, because people settle, they're mismatch

from the start. So really be sure that you actually like this person. You love this person. You respect this person. You feel like you can be with them for a long period of time that you want to be with them. If you're thinking about having a family and children that you can see them as father, a mother in the life of your child, all of these things. If you don't see that and actually believe that at this point in the relationship early on,

then it might be a big red flag and it might be creating a vulnerability later on. Number two on the list. And Lauren and I talk about this and we use this analogy all. the time is that you're both pushing two boulders up two different hills and many times in completely opposite directions. Yeah, so I think this one, and this is a conversation we've had in the car many times, if you are in a relationship, and Michael said this today, and someone wants to sell their company for $100 million, and the other person wants... Well, let's give more context. Say somebody's building a company, they're building a company together, and that person's

like, I want to build this major company that's worth $100 million. But then the partner is saying, well, I want to build a company that's worth a million dollars. Those are two different things. Or the partner is saying, I want to live on a ranch in the middle of nowhere and chill out. Those are very different visions. And so I think it's really important to sit down and sort of create your future by design with your partner. So with Michael and I, and I think maybe we can give tips on each one of how we do this, we have really had a lot of conversation around what our future looks like,

whether that includes how many kids we want, where we want to live, how we want, and we want a lot of spontaneity. That's really important to us. So some things aren't necessarily planned, but we're committed to the spontaneity. Kids is a good example, right? Like you might get in a relationship and somebody like, I want three kids. The other person might say, I don't want any kids. You're on two different pages of two different books there.

That's a problem. Is there a compromise where there's one or two? Some people might say, I want two kids, other person want one. I think these are things that, you know, over time, eroded a relationship. If there's one person in the driver's seat dictating everything, and that could be financial goals, it could be where you live, it could be how many kids you have, it could be how many pets you have. You know, if you're on two different pages and you're both going in two different directions, it's really difficult to have a successful relationship.

And when we talk about pushing two boulders up two different hills, if Lauren and I weren't aligned on, you know, wanting to build this podcast together, if she wasn't supportive in me building to your media. If I wasn't supportive in her building skinny confidential, we would have a problem. Yeah, I think that brings up a really good point. Your mom said to me when I first started dating you, she said, I know my son, and I know how he works. And when he comes home from work, he wants to be stimulated intellectually. You asked me the other day in the car, what if you didn't work and what if you didn't, what if you weren't ambitious? And I said I would have gotten bored and left. I think that you would have...

People hear that and they're probably pissed off. I think that you would have evolved past me in that way. I would have lost interest. This is a really honest conversation, you guys. You would have lost interest. And I have to be honest, if you were sitting on your ass drinking a 12-pack every day, beating your meat and watching like the Simpsons,

that wouldn't work for me either. So your mom said when he comes home from work, he likes intellectual stimulating conversations. So in her saying that it really inspired me to, I was already reading, but read more, listen to more podcasts, grow my business, and not just based off that comment, but that was something that stuck with me. I do think you have to read the room of what your partner wants as you evolve. Well, this is where I talk about like being mismatched from the beginning. I've been very, I was very vocal and upfront that I am attracted to mental stimulation. I want, I want a partner who is also has their own things. going on is also doing interesting things. I, you know, and listen, this works for some couples. I was not looking for a relationship where you were at home taking care of our kid and then

I get home and we talk about that. I wanted to know, like, I wanted basically the version of who you are and I was vocal about that. I feel like so many people are not vocal about what they actually want and then they get into relationship and they're resentful and all of a sudden they're getting mad at a partner who's always been who they've been, but you're like, but they get mad that it's not who they want them to be. Speaking of sex and intimacy, we have a hot tip, and that is House of Wise Sex Gummies.

Here's the move. You take a gummy, it tastes delicious. You get in bed, you relax, you turn on some chill meditation music, maybe some Frank Sinatra, if you're feeling frisky, you dim the lights, and you let the gummy go to work. What I notice about the gummy specifically is it just enhances every body part. You know what I mean? It just makes everything feel better in every area. Which one do you like? I like the sleep. I think the sleep one's the best one for everyone to start with. Listen, the sex one's great. And I think if you're, you know, wanting to turn up the heat in the bedroom, definitely try it. But everybody could use better sleep. And CBD has a ton of benefits. And House of Wise's sleep

gummy is one of the most powerful and one of the best ones that I've used. And here's, I like ask the founder all these questions about why she created this brand. And she said that she noticed, especially with women, that stress was leading to a glass of wine a night, maybe two, maybe three, maybe a bottle, and then pour sleep and lack of energy the next day. So with CBD, she thought it was such a good thing to introduce, especially to women who were drinking a lot of wine to break that cycle. I do have to agree with her. I feel like whenever I take CBD, I wake up the next morning feeling like so much more energy. I'm ready to tackle the day. And I just think that it's more productive. than having wine the night before. Their products are 100% organic, vegan, gluten-free,

and as a partner, House of Wise wants to give all the skinny confidential hem and her listeners 20% off your first purchase. Simply go to houseofwise.com.com, dot co, and use promo code skinny to redeem your discount. That's 20% off your first sleep sex stress or strength product when you go to Houseofwise.com and use the promo code Skinny. Well, I also am such a person that likes to look at people's childhoods. And your childhood, your parents who have had a beautiful 20-year relationship, marriage, your mom was holding her own. Your mom, I remember when we were little, your mom would come home at like 7.30 at night sometimes. She was working. She was busy. She was productive. She was getting things done. She was taking over things. She was very like a lot of

masculine energy. So it makes a lot of sense that you're attracted to that kind of woman. I think it's important to also, and this is maybe going off on a tangent, understand your partner's childhood. For my childhood, my father is an entrepreneur. I've lived a life where it's ups and downs. It's a lot of risk taking. And I'm attracted to that. And you're a huge risk taker. So I think to really understand how your partner grew up gives you the tools to sort of evolve the relationship. Yeah. It doesn't have to be hustle, hustle all the time. I tell, like, we have a lot of friends that don't want anything that has anything to do with like hustling in this kind of life. They want to go and live very simply. They want to go live on a ranch or they want to be out in nature and they want to take

it easy and they want to wake up and all these things, which is fine. It's great. What I'm saying here is just make sure that when you get in a relationship that you guys have the conversation and make sure that there's an alignment on what you actually want out of life. And it doesn't have to be a media. It could be a year, three years, four years, 10 years, however long. But there needs to be some kind of conversation about aligning and being on the same page. But here's something that we really need to talk about, Michael. People think that that starts within the relationship, and it actually starts with yourself. Sure.

It starts with a deep self-awareness of what you want, and then you understand yourself, whether that's through meditation, through journaling, through an execution board, creating your own future, by yourself without your partner, and then coming together and see if that matches up. Yeah, and here's something for the guys. I've got a lot of my friends, and if they listen to this, they're going to know who I'm talking about, that get in a relationship and they're used to working and they're used to bringing in the bacon, and all of a sudden they get with a woman and the woman starts to work and she starts to bring in the bacon. And maybe in some cases she starts to bring in more bacon money, whatever. And the guys getting threatened by that. So they think that they want this powerful woman that's going to come in and that's going to bring this income in. And that's going to, you know, contribute to the household income. And then the woman starts to outshine him, and then they get threatened. And this is a problem for a lot of men. They don't, they think they want this successful, powerful business woman, and then they get it and they don't know what to do. And so it's like really, like to Lauren's point, to your point, getting honest with yourself and saying,

what do you actually want out of a partner? And are you guys on the same page? I do have to give you credit for this. As my brand has grown, when I was dating Michael from the beginning, I was a cocktail server and then a bartender. And as my brand has evolved and I've grown professionally, you have been so comfortable with that. Yeah, I'm waiting for you to be my sugar mama. I'm trying to chill back now. I'm not going to be your sugar mama. Like, I'm like you're going to have to figure that. That's phase two of my plan. No, I'm not going to be your sugar mama. Sit back, beat my meat like you said, and do nothing. Just let you kind of do all of it. Pop your 12 pack. Speaking of beating meat, let's move on to the third one on the list. So this one is important. It could

be argued that it could be number two, number one. Like this, this one, we put at number three, but I think it is important. And it's that people lose intimacy in a relationship. This is a huge one. This is something that we have seen with so many people that we know. I think a lot of these people, because of the subjects that we talk about on our podcast, we're an open, non-judgmental space, feel comfortable bringing this specific issue to Michael and I. We do have a lot of tips on this. And let's be honest. I don't want to paint this picture that we're these, huge sex machines. Like, we've had lulls in the relationship. We've been together a long time. We work at it consistently. We talk about it on the podcast. We talk about it together. We're constantly

working on ways that we can always be more intimate with each other because what we found out is when you lose the intimacy, everything else gets lost. I mean, when I was 10 months pregnant, you weren't like, you weren't roaring. I wasn't roaring. First time around I didn't know what to do. There was a lot going on. I had to get some education. It was like an octopus. I thought I was poking the baby's head. I thought I could talk to. It was weird. Yeah, so there's like different, there's different chapters in the relationship. So obviously intimacy does ebb and flow, but you always have to get back to the intimacy. And I think, I think my parents, shout out to Brad and Julie, are a really good example of people. We just went

to Cabo with them who are so childlike about their intimacy. Intimacy should be fun and playful. It's not so serious. Just it should be something like a tap on the ass. I want Zaza to see Michael smack my ass. I want Zaza to see Michael wrap his arms around me. I want her to see us kiss. I think that's healthy to see that her parents love each other. I love to see when my father loves my stepmom. It's inspiring that at their age, that they're playful and sexy and fun. This is going to hit a nerve for some people, but if you're in a relationship and you've stopped being intimate and you've stopped having sex, that's an issue. That's a problem. It's not going to get better until you start working on it. And there's going to be resentment that builds up in the relationship.

I not only need sex for myself, I like to please my partner. Like, that's really important to me. And I like to keep things playful and fun and light. And I think if you take away the intimacy, especially in a relationship like Michael and mine, because we are so business focused that if we don't have that intimacy element, it can really hurt our relationship. Yeah. And also, not only do you lose confidence in the relationship, you lose confidence with yourself, right? right? When you're not having sex and you're not being intimate with your partner,

you're wondering, is there something wrong with me? Is there something wrong with my partner? Like, is she not turned on? Is he not turned on? It starts to become this whole mind fuck where you're sitting around and you're like, what's wrong with us? What's wrong with me? I mean, I experienced that postpartum. I didn't exactly want to bend over when I was 50 pounds overweight. I wasn't feeling sexy. I wasn't feeling myself. And so like, of course, it's like I said, going to ebb and flow. But it's important that it's made a priority. If it is ebbing, then I feel like you've got to have the conversation of why. And if you don't nip this in the bud and I have seen it firsthand, like I said, I used to be a bartender.

I got to talk to a lot of men. It was a male-based bar. I think that I almost don't blame the other partner, man or woman or woman or woman or man and man, for straight. Intimacy is if you look back on history, it's human nature. people are going to stray in a relationship if the sex stops. Yeah, I mean, people crave touch. They crave intimacy, right? And I think you start out in these relationships.

And we all know, like, there's this honeymoon phase when you first get with someone, you just can't keep your hands off each other. And then over time, it's like you lose a little bit of that. And you kind of like become friends. And all of a sudden, you're sitting in a house like roommates. Like we have a lot of people that talk to us about this issue. And it's, I'm just trying to caution everybody. most of the people that are talking to us about this issue, the relationships in a very rocky place,

in some cases it's ending. And there's a way to get back to it. We've done a lot of episodes with sex experts. We've had a lot of conversations about sex. It starts with the conversation, not an attack, but a conversation about how you can be intimate again. And here's the last take, and then I'll let you jump in on because I know you're eager. When one of the partners, let's take me, for example, if I'm in a place where I'm not feeling confident and I'm feeling down, that might be a good time for Lauren to come and jump on me and make me feel better or vice versa. If she's not feeling good about herself, she's not feeling confident, that may be the time for me to pursue her and make her feel better.

Intimacy is not just about sex. It's about making your partner feel desired and making them feel good and making them feel loved. And so if you don't have those things, it's really difficult for a relationship to thrive. Being desired is so important. I also want to talk about, too, I think a lot of situations and relationships with man and a woman. The woman is typically blamed for not wanting to have sex. I've heard this, like I hear it 90% it's the woman. But I have also heard personally through friends and through you guys that a lot of the time it's the man. And I don't think that that's talked about enough. And after

talking to so many sex experts, what I have found is it's they need to get their hormones checked and see if they are lacking in testosterone. That's a big one. That is then, going to a hormone specialist and seeing what's going on, or they're experiencing a lot of stress at work or whatever it is. Those are the two main things that I've noticed when it comes to men's sex drive lacking. Well, this goes, I think it goes both ways. I really don't think it's a man or a woman thing. I think like I've talked to different people. It's important to say, though, because I feel like it is blamed on the woman a lot. Sure, it's also blamed on the man. I mean, how many of your friends can you think about the top of your head that start blaming their

husbands for not fucking them right. I will all, that's true. I will always rally for sex. At any time or day, you want to have sex right now on the podcast, pull it out. But it's, well, I think the producer might not like that. But it starts with the, you know, again, being on the same page, talking about intimacy, saying, like, and especially as you get further into relationship evolving, making sure it's not the same boring sex, making sure you're talking about what your partner actually wants. Just phoning it in and thinking, hey, I can show up for missionary once every two weeks is not going to get the job done, right? And all. So, like, guys, you got to put more effort in than two minutes.

This isn't also, Michael, sometimes you do this when you're hungover. You don't just stick the dick in either. Like, give us a little bit of fluff, okay? You don't just shove the dick in raw dog. Like, we got to be like, you got to pleasure us a little. Sometimes the quickies nice. No, we need a, I need a little, like, you got to court me. Our friend Weston, when he came on this show, this episode's up, framed it out nicely.

Everybody puts all this thought into their diet, their fitness, their business, all these things, self-improvement, they're reading all these self-help books, they're trying to be better parents, they're doing all these things. But when it comes to their sex life, there's very little effort. There's almost zero effort in some cases. And it's like you're putting all of these efforts and all of these processes in place for all these other things in your life that are important. But if you don't have the sex partaking care of, then everything else crumbles, especially in a relationship. So I think that he articulated that well and I'm just regurgitating it. Intimacy, and I'm going to shock you on this one because you didn't think I was going to go here,

is not just sex. Sure. I'm not saying it is. Intimacy is also knowing each other's love language. What's my love language? I don't know. Let's move on. No, no, no, no. I'm just kidding.

What's my love language? Touch. I know it. What's my second one? See, everybody hears what you do. What's my second? Words of affirmation. What's my third?

You can't see, this is the problem. Aren't there only five love languages? You can't take more than 50% of them. What's my third? Acts of service? Yeah. You can't have all the love languages. See, this is the problem.

Yours is for sure. acts of service. I'll give you an example. The other day you went out of town for the day, and the house was a disaster. It looked like a bomb went off. And I know that, like, you wanted to just come home to, like, a peaceful, nice house. So the whole day I spent working with a lot of help to make the house look nice for you. It was all decorated when you got back, and you can't help but smile when you have an acts of service. That acts of service could, like, entail me getting on my knees. I don't know what that has. You know. You know, acts of service. You love acts of service. You know, I wasn't going to go here either, but I do want to

take this moment in time to tell the audience and let everybody know that when you look at you and me from an outside and you don't know us that, well, people would think that you're the clean one and I'm the messy one. You are one of the messiest people I have ever met. No, no, no. By far, everybody in our life knows it. I'm actually very clean. You present a pretty picture, but it is absolute chaos all the time. This is what it is for me. Oh my God. We're going to go fail in our relationship. It's organized chaos and here's what it is. nothing organized about it. I will mess up everything. Like when I'm cooking, I don't clean as I go. I'll mess up everything. And then I will clean it to a degree that is wild. Yes, but let's get to

be perfect. Let's get through something here because you are more clean than me. When you just painted that picture like I want to come home to a clean house, it makes me sound like this sexist guy that's coming home. Be like, like, clean up the house. You failed to mention the reason I wanted the house clean is you are the tornado that goes through and destroy the house. When I am creative or in a creative headspace, I cannot have things clean. You're the only person I know that completely destroys and messes up the house, then cleans and says, are you going to thank me for cleaning it? I'm cutting off my ear like Picasso.

That's Van Gogh. And I don't know how that analogy even makes any sense. Because when I'm getting creative, it's organized chaos. But then I clean it all up. It's not organized. How cute did the house look when you came home? It looks great. But, okay, let's move on.

Okay, let's talk about hair for a second. You have seen this on my Instagram stories, Neutrafol. I never had a problem with hair. Like pregnancy, my hair was luscious, it was thick. And then after I had Zaza, I noticed that it was thinner, but I really noticed that I was shedding more hair. And I feel like women everywhere have this problem because you guys have DM'd me about it. And this is my tip. I have three tips. It's a three-pronged approach. I'm doing a lot of microneedling on the scalp. So I'll just microneedle around my scalp line. I sometimes even do my eyebrows like a psycho. And then, I'm I am doing a ton of scalp massage. So just getting that circulation going is really going to grow the hair. And then I've been taking Nutraful. This is one of those products that works. You have to be consistent with it. I take four a day. You want to take it for three to six months to really, really see the results. And when you see those results, you're going to be obsessed. My hair is thicker. It's more luscious. There's so much less shedding. I can't believe it. Like, honestly,

it's crazy. I even notice it in my nails, too. So if you're looking for an effective high-quality solution for healthier hair and maybe you're impacted by thinning hair, this is for you. You can grow thicker, healthier hair and support our show by going to neuterful.com slash skinny, and you are going to save $15 off your first month subscription. This is their best offer anywhere, and it's only available to U.S. customers for a limited time. Plus, you get free shipping on every single order. Get $15 off at NutraFol.com, spelled N-U-T-R-A-F-O-L-L-com. Skinny. Number four, this is a big one. This could arguably be number one, but I felt, you know, we just put it as number four in the list for whatever reason. And that is you don't have trust, you know, and we can give a bunch of examples of this, but this is a huge one in a relationship. If you don't have trust with your partner fully, it's not going to work. I think out of all the things on this list, this is the thing that you and I do best at. I think you and I have a trust that is unique. I, I, I think, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I,

I mean, on my end, I've never done anything that would make you uncomfortable when it comes to trust with another person. That's true. Well, not just with another person. And we've talked about this on the show. I have a real issue. I'll call guys out, some of my guy friends. I have guy friends that'll come to me and they'll be with a girl or be with their girlfriend and they'll brag about how they have a girl on the side or how they've stepped out on a girl or how they do something else. And listen, girls do it too.

So I don't want to, I'm just using some of my guy friends. and they think that that will impress me. And I've talked about this before. Immediately when a guy tells me that they step out on their wife or their girl or whatever, if you will do that to the person that you're sleeping with every night and that you're going to dinner with and that you're having intimate conversations with and that you're sharing a life with, what the hell are you going to do to me? We can never do business together.

I can never fully trust you. That's the way I look at guys like that and women, right? Like if you can blatantly lie to the person that you're intimately with face on a regular basis, then you can definitely do it to me and everyone else in your life. And so I think starting at a base level of trust is important. And it comes down to even little things like Lauren and I talk about all the time. If you're gossiping behind your partners back to all your friends and telling your friends how terrible that person is or how bad they are, that's a breach of trust, right?

Because the next time you go around those people, they're going to bring that energy into the relationship, right? They're going to be constantly judging you, your relationship, your relationship, your partner. So many people, not even just cheating, are guilty of just going around their partners back and putting a bad energy in the air and making other people parties and privy to their relationship. I am the type of person that I don't need to go talk to 10 of my friends and family members if you and I are having a problem. I need to talk to you. And I'm very protective of our relationship in that way. It's very important to me and special and I cherish it. And so for me to go bad mouth,

the person that I'm supposed to have the most trust with in the world, does it make sense to me? If someone is constantly bad-mouthing their partner to you, what do you think they're saying about you behind your back? Of course. That's my point about cheating. And if you're in a relationship where you're lying or you're being dishonest with the person, my advice to people like that is, one, you know, check your own integrity and really ask yourself if that's the type of person you want to be. but two, if you need to make up all these lies or do all these things that aren't integrity in a relationship, why are you in that relationship? What's the point? Isn't it better to go off and be with somebody else or be single or do something different? I've never understood. You always asked me like when we first started dating, if I was ever going to cheat or I was,

like if I ever felt I needed to step out, I would have an honest conversation and say, hey, I don't feel like I'm right for this relationship anywhere. I want something else. A lot of people can't do that. I chalk it up to cowardice and I chalk it up to people just being out of integrity. That's maybe the extreme. And you know what I would do? What? Nothing. Yeah, you've already said this. You do nothing.

I get it. But my point is, it's almost impossible girl, guy, gay, straight, whatever, to be in a relationship where there's a lack of trust where you're out of integrity. It's not going to, maybe it works for a few years. Maybe you stay together forever. We all know these couples. But over time, you just build resentment. You'd be able to dislike. And also to be annoying, like, just to be like real, it's annoying when someone's constantly bitching about their partner.

I know people that are constantly shitting on their partner. And then they'll end up, like, I'll see them on Instagram and they're on a date. Or they'll bitch about someone before their wedding and then marry them. Like, people don't want to hear about how much your relationship sucks day after day after day. That's just a really self-aware thing to say. I think if you're constantly putting it out there in the ether, how much you hate your partner, it's not going to turn out well for you. Yeah. And if you're cheating it, I think like after, you know, analyzing the people that I know that do it, there's a deep insecurity with the person that needs to do it. There's something that they need to get right with themselves. And it's cruel, right? It's not nice to go behind people's back. And the most awkward thing is when you're with people, like, we all know these. You know like when you're with a couple and you know one of the people's cheating. And then you kind of like have to still go around that couple and actors if nobody knows. Everybody knows. It's the most awkward thing. It's horrible. And it's like, why do you want to put your friends and family in that position? No, it's miserable. So again, this one, I think everybody knows this fundamentally, but so many people

kind of brush it aside, honesty, integrity, you know, having trust with your partner, being on the same page, being able to go to your partner and know that if you tell them something or, you know, share your feelings that there's going to be a safe space and that you can work through it. Like I said, this one could be number one on the list. And if your relationship is in jeopardy for a lack of integrity, I can understand why. And it's something that people can really benefit from working on. So number four on the list, arguably number one is you don't have trust. And if you don't have trust, then you don't have a foundation. Number five, and this one may not apply to everybody, but I think it's important, especially for the more mature relationships or the people that have

children. And I know this one is going to rub some people the wrong way, but it's just how we feel. And number five on the list, that's with children, you put the kids first and you start being co-parents instead of partners and lovers and being in an intimate relationship. You become just like these business partners managing a kid's life. But maybe that works for people. Like if you want to put the kid first, good for you. For you and I, that's not going to work. I don't think it works, though.

I think that people end up being in a position where all of a sudden they went from being these intimate partners that are in this loving relationship. They're having sex. They're having fun. They're traveling. They're doing all these things. To all of a sudden, they're just managing a kid's life. And listen, I get it.

We get it. There's kids. It's difficult. But you've got to put the relationship first. What I find is when people constantly. put the spotlight on the kid and not the relationship is that there's something really broken about the relationship. And so they're trying to deflect it onto the child. Let me tell you something about kids that I've noticed. Kids feel that. Kids are smart. They see if there's no intimacy

between their parents. They see if there's no trust. They see if there's lack of integrity and cheating. The kids see it. So I think putting their relationship, first and having that foundation for the child is more healthy. I remember, you know, when I was a kid, there was, it was just a feeling you had, but there was clearly some parents that, you know, from friends that would, that you could tell were just, like, they didn't really like each other anymore. They were just in a relationship and probably because they have a kid or whatever. And then the kid would grow up and they would graduate high school and all of a sudden

you'd see the parents split. And I guess the mentality at the time was, and maybe this is, there's some credibility to this. It's like, we're going to stay together until the kids are old enough and then we'll split. So it's like almost like the parents put their entire life on hold, their entire relationship on hold, intimate part of their relationship and their life on hold to cater to the kid. The kid grows up in a household where there is no intimacy and in no love. Then they graduate or grow up to get out of the house and then the parents divorce anyways. And so I think like this is a perfect example of, you know, just putting a kid first instead of yourself where like I always thought,

wouldn't it be better if you had a conversation, an honest conversation with the child and said, hey, this isn't work anymore. We're going to go off. We're still going to be great parents, but like we're going to go and enjoy our life. That's an extreme example of people staying together. But even like a smaller example is, you know, all of a sudden the kids sleeping in the middle of the bed with you. I know that happens sometimes. You stop having sex and it's like two completely different sides of the world doing two different things just to cater to a kid. By the way, that's happened to us with the kids sleeping between us. And we had to nip it in the bud immediately. Yeah. And it was really difficult. It's like you have to like sneak in the bathroom to have sex.

Yeah. And I told you, I was like, I don't want to hide in the bathroom to get my rocks off with my wife. Like the kid needs to go back to her bed. It's going to be painful. Maybe she's not going to like it. But now we have the chihuahua in between us. Sure. But I just know that if personally, if I don't have that with my wife and I don't get to go on dates with you and I don't get to have sex with you and I don't get to have this relation with you.

And it's constantly about a kid. Like that's not what I signed up for. You also, like, are very specific about having me sleep in the same bed as you. The other day, I fell asleep watching Summer House in our guest room. And you came and you woke me up and you brought me back to the room. Like, you're very, I noticed that you're very intentional. Like, if you have to go on a day trip, you'll fly home just to spend the night with me. And I think that's sweet.

Is there something interfering with your happiness? Maybe something preventing you from achieving your goals? We have you covered. This is a great partner. I'm obsessed with them. Better help. They help you assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. I am huge on therapy. I think if there's a way to connect in a safe, private, online environment that's convenient, like everyone should do it. I think that we all feel good about talking things out. And in this episode, we talk about trust and integrity with a partner. I think instead of maybe calling a friend or a family member to have a licensed therapist at your fingertips

is incredible. So this isn't a crisis line. It's not self-help. It's professional counseling done securely online. So I feel like this is timely to say in this podcast, if you're dealing with stress, depression, or anxiety, relationship trouble, all within your relationship, this is a great way to connect online with a therapist and talk about it. Get it out. It's convenient, professional, affordable, not a crisis line in anything you share, and this was really important to me when I talked with them is confidential. So everything that you say will be kept between you and the therapist. You should also know the service is available worldwide. It's saving you time. We want you to start living a happier life today. As a listener, you get 10% off your first month by visiting our sponsor

at betterhelp.com slash skinny. Join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health. Again, that is BetterHelp. H-E-L-P.com slash skinny. Well, this is a tangent, and maybe this goes back to the intimacy part. But, you know, this, we talked about this with Nick Ritchie on the show. You know, you get in a relationship and all of a sudden, like, maybe you get a guest room. And then one day the husband sleeping in the guest room and the wife sleeping in the guest room. And then all of a sudden, you know, you have your own rooms.

And then again, like, you lose intimacy or like, whatever, kid gets involved. It's important to me that I don't let that slip. The reason I went and came and got you, I was like, no, no, you are my wife. You sleep with me in this bed. You know, I might get a little handsy. Who knows? But again, I think like these are little things that I think make all the difference, right? Like all of a sudden, you might be watching Summer House every night. And then all of a sudden, we have different rooms. And then I don't know what you're doing in that room. It's like a crumb. It's a crumb den in there. Summerhouse is really good. I started watching Winter House. And now I'm on Summerhouse. And it's really, really good. You said we're having no.

TV in the bedroom. I said, okay, fine. And then you sneak off there. I don't want TV in the bedroom. You don't get it. It throws the functuary of the bedroom. You know what else throws the function of the bedroom when you're in another room? Yeah. So you're in this room. And no more eating in that room either. I don't know what's going on. I love eating in bed. I have a bed tray. I love it. It'd be one thing if it was like, you know, Patricia Southern Charms bed tray vibes. It is actually Patricia of Southern Charms. It's solely and solely and solely. You are 100% wrong. It's a solely and solely bed tray. It is her exact bed tray. She has a, she has a Nice napkin. It's all clean. It's all pristine. Your shit is everywhere.

Okay. I have an egg coddler. No. There's yolk in the sheet. No, I'm not doing it. It's gross. I have an egg coddler. You got a long way to go to get to Patricia level. You got a long way. I have Patricia's exact bed tray. Yeah, you have the tray. Now I'm going to get a linen napkin. But none of the other stuff. I'm getting a placement. I'm getting a whole thing. Fuck you. You need a trash bag next to you and whatever. So anyways, not to stay on this one too long. I think the parents out there, especially with people don't have kids, like it's irrelevant, irrelevant. But when you do have kids, the parents out there that do have kids, putting the relationship first, making sure the kid understands that mom and dad have to be, or dad and dad or mom and mom have to be in a good place for them to be in a good place.

And if that doesn't happen, then, you know, everything's going to fall apart. So that's one I would caution parents against. This is number six that we put on the list. And this kind of falls into this whole conversation is you start taking the relationship for granted. You think that it will just always be there, that it'll always be okay, that you don't have to keep putting in the work. And that's just, at least in our case, not true. Out of all the ones that you have to work on, this would be yours. Yeah, this is it. Like I said, this is not, this list is not, we don't do any of these things perfectly, by the way.

No. By the way. No, no. If that wasn't said. I mean, I'm always like, I feel like I do number three pretty well. I'm pretty good at three. But just to my own horn. this is the one that you could work on. I think that Michael and I have been together for so long

and we've known each other for so long that you just think, I don't want to say you take me for granted. You just think that I'm always going to be there. I think a lot of people that have been in relationship for a long period of time think it's always going to be there. And then all of a sudden they're met with this person left or this person cheated or this person's filing for divorce. And it's like, where did that come from? It came out of nowhere. If you actually follow the breadcrumbs, most of the time there's a reason. It doesn't, things don't just happen out of nowhere. Sometimes they do, but rarely. I have a hot tip for this one though.

Whenever I leave for three days, like I left for three days the other day to go to San Diego, it kind of like lets you see what your life would be like without me. I know. I played the PlayStation 5 that I just got. That is such a lie.

You're texting me and FaceTime me every minute. I went and got to get cookies from Tiny's cookies. He's lying. Lying. I got to be honest. I was like, wow. You would not leave me alone. You were FaceTiming me every five minutes

and texting me saying, I sure do miss you, which felt good. Like, sometimes you need a little. absence. You know what? You're going to complain yourself into some trouble here because all of these things that you're saying I did, I should be doing. I should be saying I miss you. I should be FaceTime. No, that's really nice. But I'm just saying I'm going to start. You're actually like I'm a psycho that I'm like calling every five seconds. You got three FaceTime calls in a reasonable period of time.

That's not true. I'm going to be more absent. Like I think sometimes on a Saturday I'm just going to go to a hotel for three days by myself. Lord, you are so full of shit. You can't get more than you. You, you what did our friend Raina, she described us as codependent? Are we codependent? I think that we have codependent tendencies in some way, but I'm okay with it. I like being codependent with you. Yeah. But again, like this one I think is important. There's a lot of guys, girls, everybody, they stop putting in the work, right? And if you're in a relationship

and you're like, huh, when's the last time I did something nice? When's the last time I actually was romantic? When's the last time that I went out of my way to do something different? I do it all the time. I don't get done your head and up and down. I can work on it. I'm going to acknowledge that. But come on. But I think for everybody, like this is for us, it's for people listening, it's for your friends, is to just remind everybody that you got to constantly put in the work. Relationships aren't just going to take care of themselves. And especially as you get older and as you grow, it's even harder. Like, Lauren and I are constantly having to go back

to the drawing board and saying, hey, what works here? Drum roll, please. The last and final one, number seven, they are unwilling to change and put in the work. They give up. This is important in all areas of life. If you're unwilling to change as an employee, if you're unwilling to change as a business owner, if you're unwilling to change in a relationship and you just give up, you're not evolving. Well, here's, you know how this conversation starts and people do it all the time and we've done it. People say, you knew who I was, you know who I was when you married me, you knew what I'm about. And that's fine, but, you know, people evolve over time. Relationships change. And there is maybe some reflection and thought that should go into saying, okay, times have changed, I've changed,

my partners change, what are some tweaks or things that I can do? That doesn't take me completely out of myself, but that acknowledges that over time people desire, want different things, they grow, they evolve, circumstances change, and that maybe it's okay to make small incremental changes to benefit your relationship. And also the biggest thing that Lauren touched on is actually putting in the work. Some people just think, yep, this is who I am. I'm stubborn. I'm not going to put in any kind of work. And that's why I think you leave. to more couples splitting, cheating, divorce. It's because people aren't willing to sit there and actually do the work

to fix the problems that arise in relationship. And trust me, when I say, we have problems all the time every month, every year. And the difference between, I think, our relationship and ones that don't work, if I were to be bold, is that we are dedicated to putting in the work to repair any cracks in the foundation of our relationship at all times. I also think something that is underrated. You and I like each other. I like my husband. He is, he's my friend. When I go out to dinner, I want him with me.

Even when I'm, and I don't care to say this, even when I'm with a group of girls, I like my husband. You are a true Gemini. You just said you're going to leave me for three days. Now you're going to, now you want me all the time. But okay, but I'm going to, I'm going with it. You never know. I'm not like a sleepover person. I'm just not. I'm not a big bachelor at. Sleepover person. Who's sleeping over in the 30s? Like a bachelor at parties, like it's just not for me. I like my husband. I want to be around him, whether that means just a drive in the car, waking up and having coffee with you. I like being with you. I just do. And I think that is really, really important. Yeah. Well, and I think it comes down to we respect each other too. So when problems arise, instead of saying, well, let's throw the hands up and walk

away. And again, you guys, you can see how all of these topics are tied together, right? It's being matched from the start. It's being on the same page. It's being intimate. It's being honest. It's all of these things. If you can do all the things on this list, then for the reason we put this, one is the last, then you're willing to actually put in the work. You're never going to put in the work if you don't respect the person, if you're mismatched, if you're not intimate, if you're in a failed relationship, then I can understand why you wouldn't put in the work. But if you can accomplish the things on the list and then say, okay, we're going to have bumps

in the road. There's going to be problems, but we're starting from a mutual love and respect for each other. And now we're willing to actually put in the time and dedication to work through any issues that arise because they'll continue to arise. It happens with Lauren and I. It happens with every couple. It's just part of it. What's your favorite thing about me?

This is going back to number six, a little something. Oh my God. What's your favorite thing about me? Give a compliment on air. My favorite thing about you. Yeah. Is, well, there's a million things about you. Nope.

I need you to get micro with me. I think that you are just, I'm attracted. Like, for whatever reason, like, yes, aesthetically, everything about that. But you have a light inside of you that I've been attracted to my entire life. Oh. You make me feel like, you make me feel like a fulfilled person. You're a great mother. I want to spend all my time with you.

I trust you. All of these things. There's a million things. I don't, I couldn't, if I, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't just dumb it down to one thing that I like the most about you. I think that's why I'm willing to do all these things is because I love you, right? My favorite thing about you is that you wake up with the baby and the dogs for me and let me sleep. Well, let me tell you something. That is also selfish of me because...

Because you know if I don't sleep. Yes. So most of the things, a lot of the things in tactics I do are self-preserving tactics. That's okay. That's smart. That's a smart man. And I feel like you're really lately being good with yes, dear. Well, I've realizing over time that no deer gets me, it's much harder because even when I win an argument, and this is for the guys out there. Guys, when you win, you lose, you lose, you might as well just resign yourself. to losing and just being okay with it. No, but my favorite thing about you in all seriousness is my husband's integrity. In business, in relationship, in friendships, he has so much integrity.

You know, I was talking to somebody the other day, like, and they were asking me about, like, how we started Dear Media. And even with, like, my friend Raina, Raina, here's a shout out. Like, I don't think, like, I realized that her and I, when we founded the company together, we did it for the first like 10 months on a handshake, no paperwork, nothing. And I realize like how rare that is these days. If I could if I could go back in time, it's like I would go back to those days where people could operate like that. I think it was just like a simpler time. And again, this is why like I put integrity so high. I think if you're out of integrity in any area of your life, you're going to be,

you're going to have you're going to have struggles in every other area of your life. So I just, I never, I just think it's actually, again, a self-preserving thing. It's much easier to just go through life being honest and authentic and not having to deal with the head. headaches that go. I can't have, I don't understand these people that go and cheat and have separate families and do different things. Like, that's a lot of fucking shit to manage. I don't know how anyone does that. That is so much work. I'm so tired by the end of the day. I don't have the capacity. And listen, we have friends. I won't say who that like, you know, they make headlines. They're cheating. They're doing this. Like, this stuff is a lot to manage. Imagine if you took

all the cheating energy and put it towards business or an idea. I mean, you'd have a lot of multi-billionaires. There's a lot of guys and girls weaving webs on how to do this stuff. Imagine having another wife with another kid, with another dog. No, I already have enough headaches as it is with you, right? You're a pain in the ass. After I just got done telling you how much I love you. But yeah, it's a pain. It's too much to manage.

Okay, that was fun. Let's do that again. So we want to know what you guys want to hear for our solo episodes. Okay. We're really invested in making sure we are serving you the content that you want. So let me know on my latest Instagram at Lauren Bostick, what solo episodes you want to hear. It helps the show and the community grow. We appreciate you guys. We hope this helps maybe in a little way. My advice, if you want to manipulate your partner into anything you want,

just play this episode a little louder while you're getting ready in the morning. So they can hear. If this could save one relationship or make some great relationships or help people kind of find the direction in life and what they want out of a relationship or what they want in their current relationship, then I think it's a good thing. And again, just reiterating, Lauren and I aren't perfect. We have our own struggles. We just really kind of like go through this list and work on ourselves all the time and connect. That's a wrap. Can't wait to see what little nice love note you're going to write me today after this episode. I don't know. My energy is drained from that whole compliment soliloic way that I had to do on this show. So we'll see. It might be a month or so

if I can get one again.