The Bossticks - #99: Sex With Emily - The Foundation For Great Sex, Self Love, Masturbation, Foreplay, Porn Vs. Unhealthy Porn, and What Kills Sex Drive

Episode Date: January 30, 2018

On this episode we sit down with Emily Morse. Emily is a sex and relationship expert, Doctor of Human Sexuality, and creator and host of the iTunes top-rated podcast Sex With Emily. On this episode we discuss the foundation for great sex, self love and masturbation, foreplay, communicating with your partner properly, the difference between men and women in the bedroom and what kills sex drive. We also dive into jealousy, porn vs unhealthy porn, the most common issues with bad sex, and sex toys in the bedroom.    To connect with Emily click HERE To connect with Lauryn Evarts click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE This episode is brought to you by WOO FOR PLAY  Even Better Sex. Imagine That. WOO FOR PLAY is the all natural and organic coconut love oil that is changing the way we have sex. With only 4 all natural ingredients WOO is the perfect personal lubricant to spice up your sex life.  All Him & Her Listeners will receive 20% off your entire order plus free shipping when using promo code SKINNY at checkout. Go to www.wooforplay.com to buy today now. 

The following podcast is a Bostick media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you alone for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to the skinny confidential, him and her.

A-ha. Couple crow's feet. Well, you have been a crow for a long time. Are you using your doctor Dennis Crows syrup? I have been every night. Let's step it up a notch. Hey now. Hey guys.

Happy Tuesday. Thank you for tuning into the skinny confidential him and her show. Today we have a guest who's been at the top of your request list for a long time. And that guest is Emily Morris from the popular podcast, Sex with Emily. On this episode, we discuss the foundation of great sex, self-love, masturbation, how to communicate with your partner for better sex, for play. The difference between men and women in the bedroom, porn, sex toys, and the most common issues with bad sex. Wow, that's a mouthful.

Very sexual show. Wow. You can say that again. Okay, so for those of you who are new to the show, I am Lauren Everett. I created the blog, The Skinny Confidential eight years ago while attending San Diego State. The goal was to create an online community that was super non-judgmental, kind of a place for everyone to share their tips and tricks. On the blog, we talk about everything from facial massage to sex to the importance of wearing sunscreen, to into business tips. The Skinney Confidential is a YouTube channel, podcast, blog, and book now.

And I am Michael Bostic. I'm an entrepreneur, investor, business operator. I specialize in business development and direct-to-consumer sales. Over the last 10 years, I have developed, helped to develop, and manage multiple business in the online space. Okay. So what's been going on with you? because I didn't see you this weekend. Day 31, still sober. Thanks for all the support everyone out there that's been rooting for me and sending me words and encouragement. You have an advent calendar

for how many days you've been sober. I feel like you open something in the morning. I did not realize how unclear I was until I like completely cleared up. That sounds so weird on the show, but okay. No, I'm telling you, I'm like, on like week, week three, I stopped. I stopped. up thinking about it altogether. Like wasn't, you know, didn't really want to party, didn't want to go out, didn't care about my social life anymore. It sounds bad. But I was just like super like not, I was just not missing alcohol at all.

And then this last 10 days I've been hyper focused in the groove, like working a ton, but not working in a way where you're like slaving away and you're super tired and exhausted, like working in a way where I'm super motivated because I'm hyper focused right now. You're hyper. Yeah, I'm hyper. Like right now, you know, what time is it? We're recording this intro. It's 11 o'clock at night. He just asked me if I wanted to drive to L.A.

Yeah, we've got to go to L.A. tomorrow. At midnight. Yeah, and I said, I'll drive. That's a three-hour drive. Yeah, but it's no big deal for me because I'm just, like, in the groove. And I figured, like, maybe I'd sleep until, like, seven tomorrow as I get a little extra sleep. I'm on this whole thing, you know? I'm going to sprinkle something really fucked up and do your tea tonight.

Like, maybe a little magnesium with some CBD oil. Well, now I'm not going to have any tea, so tricked jokes on you. I am really proud of you for being sober for me. 31 days. It's a big accomplishment. 45 to go. 45 to go? Yeah. Really? Yeah, but you know what? At this point, we're going wine tasting in March.

Well, it looks like I'll be having some apple cider or something because I'm not doing it. All right. We'll see about that. See, you are a bad influence. I mean a glass of rosé here. But no, I, at this point, I'm not missing it, like I said, and I'm feeling good, you know, so I want to stay on it. Okay. Well, I was not sober this weekend. I went up to L.A. with Jordan, Faye, Mimi, your mom, the crew. Tara couldn't go, our other sister because she was working an event. Because she's smart?

No, we had a really, really good time, actually. We drove up after, I had a work meeting on Friday night until like midnight, and then we woke up at 6 in the morning and drove up to L.A. We did like a girl's thing. And first we went to a wedding dress store, Galeana LaValle. I hope I'm saying that right, and probably not. Probably not. I don't think you've ever pronounced the name correctly ever.

All right. Well, that's the song that never ends. We went to Galeana LaValle. I think that's not how you say it, but whatever. Stop saying it. You don't know how to say it. I was with Wesson today, and he goes, you know those things, the guillotines? I'm like, you mean a guillotine?

All right. You don't know what that is either. I probably pronounce that weird. You're like one of those people that pronounces cassidia, casadilla. No, I'm not that bad. Well, I am. So we went to that store. We tried on dresses.

and found a super cute hot suit for her rehearsal party. And then we went to another place to try on dresses, didn't find anything. And then we went to the Ivy and had the best lunch ever for like a hundred hours. It was what I call a leisurely lunch. I got off my phone. I was super present. And we drank champagne and ate guacamole and pizza and pasta and cookies and everything we could shove in our face. And then we went back to your-

Skinny Confidential exposed. Yeah, that was a skinny confidential exposed. Then we went back to our house and we, your mom bought us these little naked men, like these tiny little naked men. I don't want to know anything going on. Actually, you know what this whole episode, I don't want to bring my mom or any of my family members up at all. And as a matter of fact, I'm going to send it to your room. If any of our family members are listening right now, let's tune it out. Godparents, dads, moms, cousins, whoever it is, I want you to actually turn this episode off because we're not going to be able to communicate in the same way after

you hear this episode. So just get out. Listen, don't look at one of those things and say, oh, you know, Michael's just joking. Just literally,

just do yourself a favor and just Brad, and this is mostly you, Brad. Brad, turn it down. Turn it down. Turn it off. Move on.

This is not the episode for you. Don't laugh and giggle and still listen. There's plenty of other audio entertainment out there. This is not it. Okay, so your mom bought us these like little men that were in Speedos, some were naked.

Didn't we just say we're not going to do this? No, we are. And so what you do is you hang them off your cocktail. So we were all. all hanging them off our cocktail. And your mom gave me the one that was named Brad, which was really creepy because that's my dad's name. Anyway, after that, we went to the Beverly Hills Hotel. So we just continued the leisurely party. And I'm really hung over, and it's Monday. So I'm not drinking for a while.

Well, really wish I was there. Looks like I missed out. I could have hung you off my drink naked. So we're going to be driving up to L.A. tomorrow, not tonight. I hate to break it to you, honey. and we're going up to work in L.A.L. Week, and then we are super excited because we have the opportunity to be the keynote speakers at the Good Fest. Next Saturday. Well, this Saturday. Or this upcoming Saturday, you know. So we're speaking on business and branding and wellness and we're just really, really excited

to meet a bunch of you guys and have a drink or in Michael's case, a Topo Chico or a Perrier. Will they have Topo Chico? I'll bring you one. I got you the lime flavor the other day. So we'd say thank you. Speaking. And when when Lauren and I speak, I think we like to do, we like to do Q&A a lot. So who knows, we're going to cover all sorts of topics, anything.

Who knows, maybe after this podcast will be a lot of sex questions. I hope they're for you. I'll be like a Dr. Oz type character. Speaking of sex, before we get into it, Michael has some news. And I feel like this news is super fitting for this episode in particular. So first, let me give you guys the backstory. Michael and his partners have a new product. It's a product that was completely inspired by you guys.

Completely. Completely from the blog. So a few years ago, I did a blog post on the Skinny Confidential about using coconut oil as lube. If you're a ride or die, you know what I'm talking about. So I had hundreds of messages and DMs and emails about how much better sex was after using it. The blog post I did went viral.

And you can read it on the site if you go to the skinny confidential and search coconut lube. Maybe you guys will remember it. It's kind of a TBT. So like I said, the post went viral. A bunch of my guy friends came to me and talked to me about how insane their sex life was after incorporating coconut oil in bed. This is a very true story.

Weston, Michael's partner and also one of our best friends came to us and said he loved it so much, but he wasn't a fan of digging his fingers in the glass jar, as you can imagine. That's not very great. And he thought the product was missing something. So he then said to us, he's like, wait, let's create the perfect lube. So Michael and him have put their heads together and created Wu. Wu is an all natural organic lube with only four ingredients to make sex even better.

Yes, and trust me, it is better. Can you not say that with a smile? Lauren, you can attest to it. You know it. The ingredients are simple and straight to the point. It has unrefined coconut oil in it. It has vanilla essence for a better scent. It has organic beeswax for better consistent.

consistency and it even has stevia for a better taste. So yes, you can put it in your mouth. It's edible. You know, I had to consider all the people that like to go into the oral department. Yeah. Listen, it's like cupcakes. It does taste like cupcakes. Yeah, it's good. It smells like cupcakes. The whole situation is said some to some of my buddies and they're like, this tastes like cupcakes. It's true. You can thank me later. So the product, Woofer Play is perfect for spicing up the bedroom. I mean, of course you guys know we've tested it like a million times. Like a billion times. And I can tell you our sex life was immediately enhanced.

I feel like adding woo to the bedroom just adds more intimacy. It's better sex and it's obviously more fun. Don't you think, honey? Obviously. I have a lot of fun. It was important for us to not let the bedroom ever get stale and to always add new things into our routine. So that's why we feel like woo is perfect. It enhances the whole experience.

It's exciting. You can use it for sex or massage. and what I like about it too is if you want to give a massage and go into sex, it's supernatural and normal and not some weird chemical. It's not like those other gross lube with the chemicals that make your body all sticky and nasty and gross. You can literally just use it for a massage. I mean, no one wants to rub some gross lube all over their body.

Can you imagine? No, it's just like, no. Woo for play is great for the single girl who wants to kick it up a notch, but it's also ideal for the woman who's been in a relationship for a while and wants to add some sass to her sex life. Regardless, it's a win-win. I just feel like who doesn't want to have better sex? Anyway, I thought this was a perfect episode to talk about Michael's new product because sex with Emily, right? It's also Valentine's Day around the corner, and I promise you your significant other will be very much into better sex on Valentine's Day. Men are really hard to shop

for on Valentine's Day, but at the end of the day, all they want is better sex. So this is the perfect gift. So slip him some woo with a little love note and get ready for some fun in bed. You can order Woo for Play online at www.wforplay.com. And all TSC readers will receive 20% off your first order and free shipping. Just use the code skinny. That's wooforplay.com, Wu-W-O-O-4-F-R play, P-L-A-Y.com, and use code skinny for 20% off. All right. What's your tip of the week? My tip of the week is obviously to use and to try Woo.

Like, why wouldn't it be? It's the sex episode, Valentine's Day leading up. In all seriousness, though, we have really put a lot of thought into this brand, and I think it's an amazing product. As some of you guys know, like, this is what we do. We develop products and brands, and I think this is going to be an amazing product line. We're starting initially with the Wu. but we think this brand's going to really grow, and it really is an amazing product to try.

And, you know, for the women out there looking for something for Valentine's Day, listen, as a man, enough, you know, we're going to have to go out, we're going to have to do some big dinner, we're going to get the wine, we're going to get the flowers, the chocolates. Listen, it's a lot of effort on our end, and most of the time we fuck it up and we get nervous. And at the end, you know, like, we really, you know, after all this effort, we really, I don't want a cupcake blowjob. I don't want to just say we want one thing, but it's an important part of the equation on that night. And so, you know, spice it up a little bit, bring this in the bedroom.

I promise your men will thank you. Men, write into me and thank me later. I noted. So since we're talking about sex so much this episode, I actually want to talk about confidence and being sure of yourself. So like I said, this episode's all about sex. And I just think that confidence is super important in general. I also think it's important in the bedroom. So lately I've been hanging out on the skinny confidential Facebook group, and I see that

there's a common theme of some girls asking about relationships and sex. And I think when it comes to this subject, my advice would be a lead with confidence. I talk about this on the blog a lot. You guys are all badass, and I think that should shine through in the workplace, the home, and in the bedroom. So throw on some sexy laundry, get into some sexual. self-care, light candles, and don't be afraid to spice it up. I'm super excited for Michael's new product because it empowers women to change the conversation around sex. The girl has it on her terms.

She brings the lube into the bed. There's nothing wrong with feeling confident and secure in the bedroom. Do you lead with confidence, not insecurity? You're the creator of your own future and you guys can spice up your sex life in a lot of fun ways. Don't wait for your significant other to do it. I like to do little spicy, fun, sassy things for Michael all the time. And if Michael's lucky, maybe I'll do a little twirl in a thong tonight. A little twirly twirl. I think our energy needs to completely reflect confidence. And we really need to do us and do us on our own terms.

And that also includes the bedroom. There's no reason to feel insecure about sex at all. We're all human beings. A lot of us are having sex. Lead like a badass. Agree. Emily Morris is a sex and relationship expert, doctor of human sexuality and creator and host of the iTunes top rated podcast, Sex with Emily, which has helped millions of people achieve the love life they desire. Recently, Esquire magazine named Sex with Emily as one of the top 12 sex podcasts, and Morse has been voted the number one dating and sex expert to follow on Twitter.

Thanks to her educated and friendly approach, Emily has proven to be the go-to expert for all things, sex and relationships. Emily, welcome to the show. This is the skinny confidential, him and her. Okay, Emily, give us a little bit of background and how you got into talking about sex to so many people. Okay. Well, I started a podcast in my living room 12, almost 13 years ago in San Francisco. And it was because I came out of the documentary film world. So I worked in politics and then I did this documentary about San Francisco politics.

And I realized after that, I just love. talking to people. I love interviewing people and people always, you know, opened up and were comfortable with me. And I realized, okay, for my neck, you know being artists that you, if you're going to delve into something, it has to be something that you're super passionate about and that you want to learn about as well. It's not just like, I'm doing this for hire, at least for me being an artist. And I was like, I've always been excited but yet confounded and confused at the time around like, how do you have great sex? Like what does that even mean? I mean, I was having sex. but I felt, you know, I'm possibly an overachiever.

I am an overachiever, but when people were saying last night, it was the best sex of my life, I was like, really, what does that mean? Like, I want to have the best sex in my life. So I just started asking, asked, invited friends over to my house, like literally the first podcast was like, gay, straight, married, dating, dating online, like asking them, like what, and the show is about dating sex, relationships, marriage, love. But at the beginning, it was like, how do you have great sex? What does that mean to you?

And so that's really where it started. and I realized like those layers, there's so many layers to what makes great sex and great relationships. My other big thing was, again, it started out as like, I was not the expert. It was more like, and also, how do you stay in a long-term relationship and keep sex interesting? It seems like it's not working for anybody if we know that half of the people, half of the marriages end in divorce. And the other half people who are together aren't that happy or they're not having amazing sex. I just wanted to figure out all of that. So it started out just reading every book I could get my hands on.

interviewing people. And then I went back to school and I got my doctorate in human sexuality a few years later. But really, it just started from like this drive I had. And I figured if I invited people onto my show and they told the real stories and it eventually became experts and all that stuff, I thought we could all learn from each other rather than just reading a textbook, hearing real stories how people got from like meh sex to like amazing sex. And what's the first layer of going to math, too amazing? You said there's lots of layers. I almost wanted to dissect that. There's so many layers. yeah, I feel like the most important thing with sex is communication. I always say communication is a lubrication.

And the more that you get comfortable talking about sex, the better sex you're going to have. So the communication layers is a lot of it is we, I mean, there's so many layers here because we could say, yeah, talk about it. But for a lot of, I'm going to say women especially, but also men, we don't even know what we like. So if a guy says, hey, babe, like, does this feel good? Does that feel good? or what do you want to try?

We might not even know because we didn't even do our work to figure out what makes us feel good. We don't spend nearly enough time self-loving with masturbation and spending time. Like, how do I feel good? What are the moves? What can I do with my hands, fingers, toys to really realize our full pleasure potential? And so I think that a lot of women are socialized to believe that someday my prince will come and so will I, meaning a man will ride up on a white horse,

and he's going to have all the answers to unlock my sexuality. There's a vibrator hanging off the tail. Literally. Like, lube on the back of the horse, right? He's got everything. And because I don't know, I mean, I didn't get a secret manual. I always thought that men were shipped off to some school, like in some private school somewhere where they were learning all the secrets to my body because I didn't.

It's more trial by error. Right, exactly. Well, now that's the truth is, and then we'd also have to figure it out together. I think the first thing is really taking the time to, like, get into masturbation. It's not dirty. It's not wrong. There's a lot of women who are like kind of, I wouldn't know where to start. And I talk a lot about that on my show and sex with Emily on my podcast.

We've got so much information about how to, like, start if you're beginning mindful masturbation. There's a lot of layers to it. So that's kind of the first thing. Where does someone start masturbating? Okay. So if you've, like someone who's never masturbated? Say there's someone that's listening that's afraid but curious. How would you guide them through it?

Okay. I would say the first thing would be to draw a bath for yourself and put some bubbles in it, play your favorite music, turn your phone off or put it in the next room, light some candles. So it's really about the senses because what happens for women a lot is that we are unable to get in the mood for sex. We're unable to even orgasm because we're in our head. We're either thinking about our to-do list, we're thinking what we didn't finish, we're wording about how our body looks.

What Instagram filter should I use? What Instagram filter? Exactly. Like, shit, was that the right one? Did I get enough likes? How can I, like, be having sex right now when my mind is awash in the million things? And so how do we like quite? So when you practicing, you know, this masturbation practice, which is fun, by the way,

once you do it, you'll be like, how did I never not? You want to engage all the senses because that's the way you can kind of anchor into being present and being mindful and not being distracted. So you build an environment, you construct an environment that just makes you feel calm and in your body. So you take a bath, you've got like the candles, you've got the music, and you just start settling into, you know, to get out of the bath, get in your bed, have the music going, the candles, the scents, lock the doors if you've roommates. And you just start touching your body, like really like light touch with your fingers, you know, use some lube or massage oils and just start like, how does it feel when I touch my nipples? Like what, how does it feel when I like on my inner thighs and you just don't go right for your clitoris and start, you know, you work through it. You work into it.

You foreplay yourself. You foreplay yourself. You tease yourself and you turn yourself on. And then you start exploring. You mean the clitoris is where the magic happens. The only reason why we have the clitoris, the only reason it exists is for female pleasure. There are 8,000 nerve endings in it. The penis has 4,000. That's it.

We have 8,000 and you only have four? Always just half a scared. The women just trump the men, right? Everywhere we go now. And so, and the thing is, it's not just the button. It's a little, like, so first of all, you want to tease into it, and you don't want to, like, go right into rubbing it. You want to, like, use loob.

Loeb is, like, your best friend. Loob is so underrated. And you just start put a few drops on your hand when you start masturbating on your fingers. Make sure they're clean. And you just start lightly, like, rubbing around that area, start touching it, like, feeling what, because women, if you put 100 women in a room, And they were all masturbating. Think about that for a minute.

And they were all touching themselves. They would all be doing something different. Like someone might be moving in circles. Someone might be tapping. Someone might use fingers inside. And you don't know until you try. Because I could give you all these, you know, again, on the website and my show, I've got tips to get started because you just might not know.

So here's some hand motions. You can use some finger motions and just start seeing what makes you feel good and brings you to orgasm or even just gets you turned on. And it's not, and also the clitoris is not just the button. There's legs that extend inside of you. There's like a clitoral legs. It kind of looks like this, like a wishbone. Are you taking notes on this?

Yeah. We'll talk after. I got to look for the legs. I have legs. It's behind your, like, your labia. So sometimes for women, it's like when you're turned on, you'll realize that the clitoris starts to engorge and that all those nerve endings like inside of your vulva and behind your labia, like your lips, that's where there's also energy and there's also nerve edding.

So just start playing around and seeing like, oh, this feels good. I don't like that. Or I didn't know my nipples could get so, you know, aroused by me touching them. So it's like really just playing and it's a process. It's not like one and done. It's going to take you, it's a lifetime because our bodies are changing. I feel like a lot of guys, if they're listening, need to understand it's not one and done. Right.

Well, I also think a lot of girls, if they're listening to understand, like what you're basically saying is a lot of this stuff needs to. be figured out before you can communicate to the partner in your life. Exactly. What you, because you know, like you use the example of a hundred women in a room. How the hell is a guy supposed to know which variation of that hundred you are if you don't communicate with them? And this is why my heart goes out to men because it's in for many ways.

But I feel like we expect you to know and how the hell you're supposed to know? Because what if your last partner wanted fingers and wanted toys? And this one's like if you touch, if you put your fingers inside me right now, it's going to hurt. Uh, mind blown. But the good news is that for a guy, what you really have to do then is to just pay attention. Because a woman will give you signs and clues about what is feeling good. Clues.

She'll be like, is her breath quickening or is she saying, ouch. Everything is clues with women. We're giving it. Maybe we could get like some kind of map, you know? No, really. Like, I've got maps. Did I bring you my book. I told my assistant, she just dropped stuff off.

I don't know if I, my book. I'll get it to you guys. But it's like, it's really just. And so for men, it's really just what you like. But for women, yeah, they're not mind readers. We want them to be so badly. I know. Maybe I should keep you around all the time.

Well, we're fine. I'm right. I'm right in the corner. I give clues all the time. Yeah, you do. Leaving clues everywhere about everything. Okay, right, right, right? Exactly.

Like, how did you not get that? And then we think we've had these conversations with our partners. And we didn't because we said it once. That's not a conversation. And we're like, why didn't you do this? So, yes, so it's part male, it's men paying attention. And it's also women having the confidence to say, you know what, if you move to the left, if you move to the right, like this, or showing them with their hands or using your hands.

And don't be afraid during intercourse since, you know, women need, the reason why only 30% of women orgasm during intercourse is because they require more clitoral stimulation than the penis can provide. So you need it. Like for women, whether it's your partner's hands, your hands, a vibrator, it just, you've got to get in there and do it. So you can also, you know, show your partner or whatever, what feels good. But that is what's going to help women have that orgasm. They can have a G-spot orgasm, but for many women, when they're clitoris, when they're aroused,

and they can have a clitoral orgasm, sometimes it's easier to have other kinds of orgasms and just to be aroused. So that's why foreplay is amazing because for women, we're not ready for penetration right away often. Like we really, if you put that time in, like turning her on, teasing her, oral, playing, kissing, Making out is one of the first thing that goes. Men get so lazy with making out. Oh my God. Can you write a book called men are lazy when it comes to making out?

Yes, I can't. Please. They get so lazy. It's like they just want to like roll you over and stick it in. And we're like, what? Like I didn't even know you got home and you have a boner and I'm not ready for sex. So right. And so, but they don't write.

We're like, what? We misread the clue. You did. We missed the whole clue. If there was a clue. But no, the thing was, here's the other thing. I mean, God, you guys, you can reel me in because I could go off at a million things here. But men and women get arousal and desire very different for men.

Like you walk in, you see your wife, you're like, oh, my God, she looks so amazing. And you're ready to go. And you're like, but I was just doing this filter. I'm still filtering my Instagram and I'm so not ready for sex. And so it's very confusing, right? Because you're like, but I want. And so what women require is this foreplay thing. And I can explain to you ways that you could get her in the, but women require.

but women require at least 15 to 20 minutes, and it doesn't necessarily have to be all touching and kissing, although that's great. It could be like in the morning when you left, you're like, tonight, you know, I'm going to do this thing to you. I'm excited to bake out tonight. It's not like showing up to like a sports match. Me like, let's get it done like good game.

Like that's not the right way to do it. Right. You can start planting seeds throughout the day, but there's definitely like something to connecting before you just stick it in because 99.9% of women are not. We're not wet. We're not turned down. We're not even thinking about sex.

So, like, if you think of it this way, women are slow cookers and men are frying pans. So we're, like, slowly getting turned on and aroused and you're already aroused. So we got it kind of, and it sucks, right? What's the universe doing to us that we're so different that way? But if you figure out that formula about, like, oh, this is what's going to work. You guys can find your own. So what's some practical. So to kind of, I don't want to say dumb it down, but to give some practical advice to a,

a young woman or man and they're in relationship and they want to start being very intimate. What is the, what's the first step to get on the same page? Because, you know, if we're frying pans and what was the other example? Slow cookers. I'm a crock pot. Okay. Like over days you need to season. Yeah.

Okay. You're like a stew. Yeah. So how do you get them on the same page so that they can be intimate together successfully? Well, I think it comes down to, I mean, Anders, I mean, and again, you guys, everything I'm saying is not every woman, every man. Yeah. I'm just talking over 13 years, all the emails and people I've talked to,

and this is what it comes down to is that I think it comes down to like a connect. Sometimes it could just be like you walk in the door and you hold it, you like embrace and you hug and you look into each other's eyes. Maybe you make out a bit and how was your day? Because we crave, we all crave intimacy. And I think for a lot of women, we want to be seen. We want to feel adored and cherished and tell her how beautiful she looks if you really feel that when you see her.

Every second. Every second. Like I always tell men like compliment her 10 times a day. And they're like 10 times. I'm like, if you do it once, we're happy, right? So if I can get scared you do it once or right?

That's another thing they're lazy about. The compliments, I need compliments. Maybe I'll set some alarms. Do it. I'm serious. I'm serious too. I'm serious too.

I feel like that would work for you. Or like, and you can be like, babe, I was just thinking about how hot you look like last night. Our sex last night was so amazing. And tonight, I'm just going to like, it's your night.

I'm going to massage you. I'm going to. So those are some things, like the compliments and then just feeling connected before you even jump into it. Another great thing is, so stress, anxiety is probably one of the biggest killers of our sex drive because we're all just, we're all freaking stressed out, distracted. And so I think massage is a great way to get us both in our, to get us all in our bodies to kind of release the tensions of the day and kind of gets you more in your body more in the mood

and releases that tension. So if you came home and gave her a massage, you used some sensual like massage, it doesn't to be like an hour massage. It could be like, babe, laid out, I'm going to get your feet here. I'm going to massage your feet or your shoulders because then you're like and then you're getting into your body. Or even vice versa for like a wife or girlfriend that's husband stressed. Are you leaving clothes now? Yeah. This is a little clue that I've left. This is a men we need massage too, but it's a great way to be like, you know what, and even to take sex off the table and say, you know what, let's not, tonight we're just going to connect. We're going to massage. We're going to

make out. We're going to oral sex, foreplay. For couples who feel like their sex life has been strain because of this, you could just kind of be like, let's get to know each other again. Like, let's tease, let's play, let's make out, let's play with some toys or do something different. But those are just some ways to kind of get grounded and connected and just to, yeah, to turn you on because the way that men, like I said, they get aroused, you'll get aroused by looking, but for women, it's our mind. So when our brain gets on board for sex, like our body can follow. And so what I mean by that is like if we're not already thinking sexy thoughts, like so

for women, with you're masturbating, the more that you masturbate and the more you think about sex, the more sex you're going to want to have. So for women, it's also on you. It's not just your guy. So that's why the practice of masturbating whenever it feels right, a few times a week, even once a week, you'll start thinking about it. Let's talk about masturbation a little bit. A lot of girls get pissed off and insecure if their guys masturbating without them. What would you say to that? That's a great. That's, I would say. For the record, just so you know, I think men should masturbate. go do your point.

Well, I want, because we get, there's questions that come in. No, I'm a fan of the masturbation. There's questions that come in and like, even girls will reach out to me and say like, yo, my husband or my boyfriend was masturbating. Like, what do you think of that? I'm like, I think like any guy that says they're not is probably lying to preserve your feelings. It's so healthy.

But it's good for them. Absolutely. Men need that release. I mean, men, they masturbate. It's like separate. It has nothing to do with your partner. Men were masturbating before they met you. They're going to masturbate in a relationship.

Women should always continue to masturbate. and they'll continue to do it. It has nothing to do with his feelings for you. If he's watching porn with a blonde and you're a brunette, it doesn't mean he wants to break up with you and date someone else. It's just their imagination. It's really like a release of anxiety. When does it get unhealthy?

So that's a good point. So that, of course, like anything, it can get unhealthy. Here's when you know you have like a problem with Matt, or if it's an addiction or if you're addicted to porn is when you, you just, you can't. there's consequences. So you can no longer get turned on without watching porn. You can't leave your house because all you're doing is watching porn and you like lose your

job, you know? Or you have to keep watching porn that keeps raising the bar to certain levels of stimuli that keeps getting not realistic to what's going to happen in your real life. And you realize that your ability to be attracted with your partner and to have actual sex with a person is compromised because of all the porn in your real life. head. So I think it's a good experiment for men and for women to kind of sometimes not watch porn and use your imagination. Or just focus on your body. Unhealthy for like let's just stay on the example of the guy watching porn. What is unhealthy for a woman's viewpoint on that? Like at what point

is it like if you're getting jealous or if you're getting insecure? Okay, great. You talk to him. So a lot of, and I was that woman when I was 24, I was dating a guy and he was really into porn and he was watching it. I remember seeing what he watched. It was like this woman. with like large fake breasts and she was blonde and I'm brunette she was big and tall and I'm thinking and at the time I thought wow this is like the amazing sex I felt so connected it was this intimate relationship and I felt so jealous and I really did not under and I think a lot of women relate to this I was like it's so confusing to me when we're having this amazing sex how could you possibly want to do that it felt like it was cheating and so what I have to say to that is that the truth is

it has it's really separate from you that it's complete it actually makes your sex life better for a lot of times when men have that release. Don't you feel like you need it for stress? Yeah. I mean, for me, like a lot of times it's not even, like it's, it's even for mental clarity. I know that sounds weird. No, you ejaculate and you have clarity. That makes total sense.

Yeah, it's like, and I think a lot of men, like, I think it's unhealthy of men are suppressing that. Yes. Right? Like, then, and then they're going wanting or there's, you know, they're not clear in the head. There's a million reasons why. I mean, it's a natural function of the human body. It's healthy.

It's healthy. For the prostate. For men, it's really, and for women. You've, it's good for your skin. It's good for menstrual cramps. It's good for confidence in the bedroom. It raises your, like you get the dopamine from orgasm and serotonin. It means it's healthy for men and women all the time.

And so for women who are jealous, it's almost just more like an understanding, letting, you know, definitely talking about it together and saying like, I'm uncomfortable with this, but just really getting to that point that it's not against you. It's not anything that he's doing to spite you. And I feel like for men who are hiding it, you got to bring it up again. And they say, I'm still doing it. And here's why. Well, a lot of couples run into.

problems by hiding it, right? Yeah, you shouldn't be hiding any of this stuff. If you're in a relationship, you've got to just have a better understanding about it. And it's going to take maybe one or two or three conversations or maybe several to get over it, to get comfortable with it. And also, I think it's great for couples to, I love mutual masturbation. So we're talking about how do you guide your partner? Mutual masturbation is an excellent tool, if you will.

I hate using the word tool when it comes up. But it is. It's a great tool for couples to be like, oh, there's a lot of female-friendly porn. And you're like, let's watch it together. And when we're watching together, we can talk about like, what turns you on, what does it? Would we want to try that move one day? So that's what's great for porn. But mutual masturbation is when you're both actually doing what you do.

It's very intimate. But then you're like, it's hot, right, to kind of watch your partner do it. But then also it's really informative because you're like, oh, I didn't know that he put his hand all the way up and down and holds on to his balls or does this thing over the tip. And you're like, oh, that's what he does. That makes our life so much easier. And vice versa. Vice versa. She's spinning in circles and tapping and using her finger and loop.

Oh, I'm going to do that with my tongue or my fingers my penis. So, and it's hot. So to me, if you're uncomfortable talking about it, there's just all these little hacks, sex hacks, if you will. You've talked to so many, I mean, 13 years of doing this now. 5,000 podcasts. Holy shit. Wow.

You've talked to so many people. And I'm assuming at some point you start to see a lot of common issue when people come to you and say, hey, we need some advice or we're having some issue. What do you see as the most common issue where problem? start to occur. The most common questions? Questions or issues with couples or issues with individuals where it's like, okay, I've seen this so many times now.

Okay. I would say the biggest issues are mismatch libidos. You want sex more than your partner does. And then it flips sometimes relationships. Sometimes you want more than, you know, it flips second and forth. So I think the communication around like, when are we going to have sex? How often are we going to have sex? So that's a big one.

And what is your answer to that? What's normal, like what's a normal amount to be having sex? You know what? I don't love putting a number on it because then people feel like I'm not normal or, you know, but I would say the average what I hear is like once a week feels really good for couples. But it has to feel, if you, if it feels great, you know, twice a month for you guys and you truly are both super happy with it, you're both down. That's fine. I'm not going to tell you you should add a few more times.

So it's kind of like you do you. Yeah, you do both of you. Yeah. Because if one isn't happy, then you got to come. compromise. You got to say, okay, I get it. Twice doesn't work, but where are we going to find that third time? Well, you get up early. I get up later. Then you're like, you know what? Saturday nights is our night that we're going to have sex and you schedule sex now before everyone like freaks out that's the least unsexy. It's most like the least sexy thing you've ever heard.

It's sexier than not having sex at all in my opinion. Exactly. Yeah, if you got to schedule it, schedule it. Right. So for a lot of couples, we can put it in pink. Right. Exactly. We'll have the the assistant's schedule it. Yeah, exactly. Why not? Because that also really helps with women because if you know that you're having sex on Saturday night, then all week long you're like, you start to like think about it. I might shave.

Maybe I'll put on deodorant. And you'll make, right, you'll shave, you'll get the manicure pedicure, you'll wear that sexy laundry shoved in the back of the drawer that you've been waiting for forever that makes you feel good. Not your partner, but that the stuff that makes you feel sexiest. And then when you're getting ready on Saturday, yeah, you take that. bath, you do all those things that make you dance around your room naked, you're looking in the mirror, you're just sexist type of mind. So then when it's happening that night, you're like, I'm ready for this. I'm excited. You're in the mood. I think it's genius. I think that's super

smart. Yeah. How important is intimacy when you're, if you had a pie as a couple, how important is it, is it half, is it third? Is it different? It's the umbrella. Like, it's literally the circle around the circle. It's the, it's the border of the circle. Because intimacy, is without intimacy, I feel like we don't really have a real connection with our partner. Intimacy is the act of really being seen, feeling safe, being comfortable. And intimacy, also, how it can physically manifest is it can just be holding hands. It can be kissing. It can be looking into each other's eyes during sex.

And so I feel like for a lot of couples, when that intimate connection is gone and you're just like doing the jackhammer and rolling over and falling asleep, like to me, that's not intimate. it's sex, but it's not intimate. So I think, you know, couples crave certain amounts over different times, but I feel like, especially when you get women get pregnant or you've kids, and it's like the intimacy is one of the first thing that goes. And I'm like, well, even if you can't have sex, you can cuddle. And that's intimate.

You can, like, you know, hold hands. You can massage. Like, those are intimate acts as well. So I think it's really important to constantly be working on enhancing your intimacy. There's a, as you were talking, there was something that I remembered, that I wanted to ask you about. And it's been in my mind, we have, I won't say their names on the show, but we have a couple, like a couple that we're friends with, really, really good friends.

And they have some issues sometimes. But what I see, and I don't want to throw anybody in the bus, but the woman, they're clearly frustrated with their sexual life together. And what I see is that frustration is manifesting itself where the woman is constantly berating the man about how he can't perform or how he can't. but they do it in front of, like, we'll be at dinner and it'll happen. And so for, my stomach hurts from this. I know.

For me, I don't want to say, I stay out of it because it's super uncomfortable hearing that with your friend. And then for the woman, but as a man, I'm looking at it because I know a lot of, some women get frustrated and that's their go to is to kind of like attack. But what it does is now having private conversations with him. He's like, listen, like, I'm fully just like defeated now. Like, I don't want to do this. And then he ends up going somewhere else.

Yeah, of course. And he goes somewhere else. So how do you, how do you, how do you. What would you tell a woman who's like, she's very frustrated, how do you communicate with a man to not make him feel bad, but to get him back in the headspace? Like, okay, I'm going to get intimate again. Right. Wow. Yeah.

I mean, that sounds like contempt to me. Yeah. Right. She's not. For contempt. Yeah. And contempt. So do you guys know about the Gottman study?

There's this guy, John Gottman, and he did these studies around sex and couples. And he could predict looking at couples. He's been doing these studies over 20 years. He could look at a couple for like five minutes and tell whether predict their, um, predict the possibility, probability of their divorce rate. And contempt is one of the big number one factors. When you are, when you are, you know, making your partner feel bad, you're berating them. You have resentments and they build up over time.

That shows up as contempt. And that's just really ugly and angry and being like, you never do this. You never do that. And it's really hard to kind of have a healthy relationship through that. So I would say you got to just, and if they are loving, they want to make this work. They've since split. Of course. I tell you.

It's, if she's berating him, not only in the bedroom, but in the public. Yeah, I'm trying to caution women and men that may be frustrated how to resolve that before it gets to that point. Because I know a lot of people get frustrated and they're, you know, they're upset and their instincts like, you know, this is not on me, this is on you. Okay, I got it. So is it the fact that he wasn't saying harder, he was ejaculating too quickly? No, it's that I think they just, they just stopped being intimate together.

But it's not that they weren't intimate and other, like, not to throw people on the list, but it's since split. But it's not that he wasn't an intimate person. It's just they start to look for other places. And you're looking at a partner and you say, you know, this person's making me feel terrible and it's making it feel like I can't do this. So, you know, you're still sexual person. Yeah.

So I basically, the question I'm trying to get to is how do you caution a couple to not get to that point? I would say that sex has to be a top priority. You have to prioritize sex in your relationship like you do. Like if you're in a relationship and you're talking about all these things that are important to you. Maybe you're leading towards marriage. You talk about, you know, your, your financial. plans. You talk about, are we going to, if we have children, or what religion are we going to raise them? Are we going to live in the city or country? And what kind of how we are going to

prioritize our sex life. We can't ever put it on the back burner. We have to have a healthy communication about it. And it has to just always be top of mind. So there will be no, if couples start talking about sex right away, there won't be this like month that goes by where you don't have sex because you're constantly talking about it. So in the moment, if you're having sex and something doesn't go right or or there's something you want where you really just have to start like, babe, Babe, last night, sex, you know, I love, you got to be also really careful because you can be very hurtful to your partner if you talk about sex in a way that's blaming, shaming, um, judgmental. You, you, you, you never do this.

You never do that. And you have to just reframe it like, babe, I, I like the compliment sandwich approach. So, um, tell me all about this. Yeah. I really like our, okay, let's give me an example of something you'd want to try in the bedroom that wasn't working out. Okay. Okay.

So say, say that. Let's do this for you guys. Legit. Like legit? Okay. Oh, I think you, I'm going to give this to you. What's the question? Okay, how she's going to say, how she's going to deliver some sex, how she's going to let you know what she really is requiring, right? Because we're talking about communication. I think for us, like our biggest issue that we'll run into is that we're both extremely type A and extremely busy. And I think everyone's busy. But for us, we have, you know, she's doing her thing. I'm doing my thing. And then it's like trying to build, build, build, build, build. I get it. We have a good sex life. But it could be always be better. Always. That's amazing about sex is why I do it. It's never done because it's always getting. And it's sometimes. And it's sometimes. it's like getting on the same page where it's like oh shit are you doing blog posts or am i working on something and it's like we also have a problem too where he wakes up super early and i go to bed super late how do you find time right it's it's we travel a lot together and like like the like i also

think when we travel it's like boom it's like boom yeah it's like it's like boom and it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like it's like the biggest issue that we would face is that okay people are we get busy and there's different schedules and it's like if i'm in the mood or she's not or she's in the mood and it's like getting on the same page and figuring that out whether it's scheduling or not i like That's probably the biggest issue. I think it's like, I think it's then it's scheduling it and it's also compromising. So you might be a little tired or you might be like, I'm not ready for bed yet.

Maybe you go in right before he's falling asleep. And you're like, and then there's some mornings when you're going to bed later. I know what I can ask you now. Okay. The phone in the bed and the working in the bed. I mean, it's so easy to do, but it's so. I think that the bedroom should be for sleeping and sex. Bingo.

And I think you remove the television, plug in your phones outside. it's all true. He's so proud of this. Yeah. No, I have a problem shutting it off. Listen, I'm not going to gloat because that's not the way that I'm going to.

But you're gloating. That's not my compliment sandwich. Right, right. But yeah. What's the compliment sandwich? Okay, here's the compliment sandwich. You're like, okay, so let's say you want to kiss more, right? We've already talked about that.

So let's say. Totally. Let's up the kissing. You like, babe. God, I, I love the sex that we're having and I feel like, you know, I love how you. I love how you. I don't know. What do you love?

What are the thing? You tell me. What's something that you love that he does sexually? Let's make it real. Or in general. I really enjoy doggy style. That's awesome. So, babe, when we do doggy style, it's so hot.

Like, you grab my ass and I get really turned on. And you would be awesome. Like, if before we did that, like, making out with you and, like, looking at your eyes and, like, when you suck on my lips, like, that would be so. You have to balance it out. Yeah. You know, you got to balance it out. That would be really hot to do that too.

Like, that would even make that doggy style go to next level. so let's try some of that. Yeah. For us, it's like just keep enhancing the situation and keeping it consistent because, like, obviously you're not together with someone this long without having good chemistry and good sex. But it's continuing to have that and continuing to like as lives get busy, as there's kids come in the equation. Make it a priority.

Yeah, to make it a priority. Because what I. Always a priority. Like you are both so, like, you want to go to the gym for a while. Like, I got to go. It's a, you guys know, you're not feeling, you know, really like we're not feeling connected, babe. What do you think it is?

God, we haven't had sex sincerity. let's figure this out. What can we do this week? So that's the compliment sandwich. Yeah, the compliment sandwich is like, I loved last night. It was amazing. I love doggy style. It would really be fun if we could kind of make out beforehand.

That would be great. And then I feel like, and then you'd end it. So the middle part, the first part is the positive. The middle part is the constructive criticism. And the third part is another reinforcement. So, yeah. And so I feel like if we were able to make out next time having sex, a few kisses, like I feel like it would be next level pleasure for both of us.

Love it. When is it time to, not for us, but when is it time for, like, let's use that couple that I talked about earlier. When is it time to pull the plug? Like, there's got to be some people that there's no sexual chemistry, right? Like, we've all been in, well, I don't want to speak for everybody, but you get with someone sexually. And there's just like, it's the umbrella. There's no electricity, right? Right.

You can't create that. Like, no matter what, like in the past, if I'm with somebody, like, sometimes there's just nothing there. Like, you think there's going to be, and then it happens and there's like, eh, like, this is not. Right. So what do you tell people? Like, people that there's no electricity, but they respect. each other, they love each other personally. They're trying to stay together as a couple, but they're just, it's not happening in the bedroom.

I got to be honest with you. There's few things that I think are not flexible that I like state as like a certain, as a rule because it can be damaging because people are like, no, that's not how we are. However, if you never ever had chemistry at the beginning, you didn't even have it for a second, but you were best friends and we tried to make it work, you can't go. You can't build it. Okay. But if you had it and it was amazing and then it's gone because you didn't focus, prioritize you

had children, you traveled. a lot away from each other. You can tap back into it. Okay. So what if someone's doing these positions like missionary, doggy style, like all the different positions, how can you spice each of these positions up? You know, I know a lot of girls like to be on top because they're getting their clitoris stimulated. What are things that people can do to add in or just like fun, easy, quick tips? That's a great question. That's a great question. So I would say so for woman on top, for example. Yeah, woman on top. Let's that. So for a woman on top, I think it's great to, there's different variations of the position of ways you can move and stuff like with you. But I think that women kind of know, let's add some things you

could add to it at accoutrement. So let's say there is a vibrator that you could put on your, you know, you could use a penis ring like a, I think, I love a vibrator in the bed. And Michael doesn't care, but I know some men, men get mad though, I think. There's a lot of men that get mad about that. What can you tell them? I never understood that. I just look as it's helping me out. This is a couple's vibrator that you wear during intercourse and it's by remote control. It's called the Sink by We Vibe.

And you actually wear it. Lauren, try this. Do you know what she did? She put it on backwards one time. This is the better one. Ours is like, no,

this is the one from. What's the one you, she put one on backwards one time and it almost broke me. Right. I put this part in. And I was, it was really hurting. You already have?

I want to do. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I have the old one of this. Maybe that's too much information. This one. is why it's their best is it's controlled by an app, their We Connect app, so you could control it if you wanted to do on your phone or buy a remote, but also it bends to your body now so it won't slip out. You can move the prom. That's what I was going to say the problem. It slipped out.

So this one is so much better because it will not slip. Well, first it almost broke me and then it was so now like, but I think she just needs problem. This is such a nice gift. Thank you so much. I brought you guys some massage candles and some lube. I love it. But so, so I think like using, first of all, lube, lube, lub, everyone should use lube every time they have sex. Use a few drops of lube because it just like warms you up. Our clitoris isn't self-lubricating either. So when you're on top, you can use a toy.

You can, a lot of women like nipple stimulation. Like nipple orgasms are super, are like the second most common type of orgasm or third. But women don't even know they can get there. So play with your breasts. Like have them like use nipple clamps. Dress up in like costumes or something. Like I feel like when we wear something that makes us feel sexy,

or role playing. That can be, you know, really fun too for any kind of position. What are some other hacks? Okay, so for doggy style, you love doggy style. There's something called the doggy style strap by sports sheets. What's that? Okay, I know. Tell your dad not to listen to this.

You have to come to my office because I've got this massive sex toy closet that's like, oh. So we, um, you put it around her body and it like, so you can kind of position her. So you're not, your arms aren't getting it that's tired and you're not like just standing in this awkward position, but you can try. truly like traction traction and you can pull her in as tight as you want you can kind of drive it sometimes i'll pull the hips and then there's a vibrator on it too and the inside if you want they can also be like on your clitoris that sounds amazing right so these are yeah there's a there's a g-spot

link i feel like i need to just like blog about this and be like yo everyone needs to get all their girlfriend's doggy style or doggy style no listen sweetie i i i'm we will drop off stuff if you guys want to try it and talk about it we i love bringing pleasure products people because it's just like This could be the, because it's also every single person, like go easy on yourself. If you're with someone over, it could be three months, three years, 30 years, your sex life is going to get stale if you do the same thing over and over and over again. So adding in some little things like, you know, dripping massage oil on each other from a candle, which feels amazing or using toys. It's just something different. It's new and different and different sensations.

So what would you tell? And you're doing it together so your adrenaline is rising because it's like fun and connective. What would you tell women with men that are uncomfortable with sex toys? Because that's been coming up. This is a question we've gotten asked. Myself, I look at it as like, wow, if anything's going to help and it's going to make her experience better, like, better. It's like, it's like almost how you're helping. You've always been like that too since we first started dating.

But a lot of men like think it's like an attack on their masculinity or. No, it's nothing to do with the guy. Yeah. The guys, guys think that, and this is funny because like I said, I've been doing this for a while. And people at the beginning, I feel like sex toys are much more commonplace now, thank God. but I feel like the main argument here is like it should be a natural orgasm or my penis should be able to do it there's something wrong men feel inferior

they feel like I am letting you down you need something else my penis isn't enough and when men feel inferior already complex around their penis in any way it's literally like they're so emasculated and they feel like the toy could replace them or it's better than them it just think of it is like it's like an ice cream Sunday like you get an ice cream Sunday it could be great just you know you could put some chocolate sauce

I'd love some pomegranate seeds too. But then you're like, oh, tonight pomegranate seeds and sprinkles, that was still dessert. Maybe some recent pieces. Yeah, right? So you're like, the vibrator. Just think of it as like your new best friend. It's almost like having a threesome and you don't have to do all the work. Okay.

Speaking of threesomes, we got questions about this. What's your take on that? Okay. Oh, yeah, I'll tell you. There was one more thing I was going to say about the toys. Oh, is it that I just want to tell guys like, oh, here's a thing. Vibrations also feel great for men. So you take a little clitoral vibe or this weave.

when I gave you the sink, you could use this in your hand and rub it over as a hand job helper. You could just use this on your clitoris. You could use it around his shaft, his balls, on a lighter setting. And men are like, whoa. Do you want me to do that after this podcast? Like right now, maybe, no. My next meeting, give me, plug me in and I'll just be on the meeting. I'll rub it on your shop.

You could wear this in one room and you guys could be long distance. And using their app that connects this, you could control it. And you could be like, babe, we're that tonight. How's that for a hot foreplay or hot connection when you're out of town? I think men need to get more creative. No, there's so many ways. I can go forever. Everybody.

I just, I think the reason we wanted to have you, we wanted to do this for a long time is because it's still, even in 2017, 18, it's still so taboo with so many people. And really like, I don't think it's taboo. I know none of us do. We're in L.A. Yeah. But a lot of the three of us. Yeah, the three of us.

But it's still, like, I want people to be comfortable with this because I think, you know, when you talk about cheating, you're talking about strays, or you talk about a relationship going by like sexuality is really it's it's it's a focal point of a lot of these issues exactly it is sex is almost everything when sex is a problem in the relationship it's like 70% of the problem but when of your issues or 80 they say but when you're not having a problem of sex it's like takes up 5% of it's not even a big thing because you're connected but when sex is a problem it's a problem i can tell like if she starts to get angry or i'm like shit we better like have sex because she's going to be no i like have i'm i'm like the gem i need clarity right exactly and i'm like fine to say that i think

that women should be more open about saying that and being like, no, this is what I want. This is what I need. Right. What I want, I'm glad you said that because what I so badly want for women is to just take control of your sexuality and do not care that your partner is going to judge you or if I show up with the condoms or if I get on top because I know that feels better that he's going to think I'm too experienced or too slutty and I should just lay back and let him figure it out. No, men get to talk about it all the time.

Why can't we talk about it? Women, you guys, we have such capacity for pleasure. and most of us never tap into it in a lifetime. So that's why this masturbation thing is great because starting out, you're like, oh, I had an orgasm. You might realize if you continue with it, you could have crazy orgasms and sensations. Maybe like the back of your neck could give you an orgasm. I'm telling you, there's a rod in the zones we don't even know how to discover.

So I just want to empower women that it's 2018. And this is the year for you just to like take control of your pleasure and your sex life. Let your freak flag fly, guys. No one's going to, and if they judge you, if a guy makes you feel bad, not your man. Next. You say next. He's not your guy. Okay.

Questions about threesomes. What's your thought on that? And what's your thought on? Is it something you can do if you're not in a relationship? If you're in a relationship, if they're no normal. Okay. So threesomes are the number one fantasy for men and for women. And one of the top questions I got asked.

You said the top questions like, how do we do it? So my rules around threesomes are you always want to use protection. Condoms, like if it's a guy with two women, change condoms. You know, change condoms in the middle of the street. They can't even multitit. What do you mean? You can't even scratch, they can't scratch their head and be on the phone at the same time. You might have to help them.

I get it. Right. And some guys are like, I can barely handle one. I don't know how I would handle two. But for a threesome, you want to make sure you have, you know, if you're in a relationship, there's different ways to talk. First of all, three sums can be really healthy. But again, that's all about communication.

You have to talk ahead of time. Like, what, let's say you're a couple and you want to bring in a third because that's what I get, do you guys get asked that a lot? Is that what you're? I'm referring to more, like, everyone in my secret Facebook group has so many questions about three sums. Oh my God, if you want me to come in and you should come in. Totally. Yeah. Pop right in. I'm not allowed in. It's women only. It's women only. Good. It's 25,000 women and a lot of them have been talking about threesomes. And I think that's something that

no one talks about. And I just, what are they asking? They're asking, when is it appropriate? How do you do it? When you're in a relationship or not? Both. Okay. It's been both questions. Okay. Yeah. I would say the thing about threesome is, um, let's say you're not in a relationship. So what they call is like a third, here's the most ideal. Here's the most ideal. deal, I think, threesome scenarios when you're all unattached. Maybe none of you are really together, but you all meet at a party or your friends. And there's even apps for this now if you really wanted to find a third. And so that's kind of eradicates like the, you still might have jealousy, but if it's a

couple bringing in a unicorn, which is like the third, that's like a whole other thing because you've got to really talk ahead of time. And any scenario, you've got to be like, are we having penetrative sex? Is anyone sleeping over? Are we cuddly? What's off limits for you? which seems really not sexy, but these are the kind of things that you need to talk about. And so, and the thing about it, once you get into a threesome situation, you'll kind of realize

it's like a dance. And so you just, it's out like, you do this position, then I flip you over, then we both give them a blowjob. It's really not that linear, but you're going to know in the moment if you're all paying attention and touch, like what to do. But you want to make sure that it's, you feel safe. There are people that you know. You have discussed ahead of time what feels good to you, what doesn't.

And the second things don't feel. right, it's okay to say no. I don't want to continue it. It's all communication is what you go to. Oh my God. Literally that is literally the umbrella of everything I do because when you ask the biggest questions earlier, it's mismatch libidoes, but it's also how do I get my partner to do blank or how do I get them to stop doing blank? We just don't know any of all. As you said, like it sounds unsexy to like plan it through and think like but I think a lot of people jump into it and all of a sudden there's like maybe new feet like they're a couple and then there's like the guys or the new girls developed feelings for the guy or vice versa. It's like this whole problem because

nobody thought it through. So when a couple, so, well, yeah, I was going to say there's a whole set of rules for couples bringing in a third and they have to talk about ahead of time. Like, who's the, you have to both meet them, go to dinner first, meet for drinks first, don't have the threesome that night. See if this is someone you really jive with. And then you guys discuss on your own will there be penetration. Is she sleeping over?

Am I comfortable if you make out with her? What if in the moment I change my mind and I actually want to make out with her? It's so complicated. I'm too, I'm too tired. It's so busy. It's like that's so many different things. We could do like a whole episode. We could do a whole episode.

I had three tips. Last question to end it off. Three tips for good oral sex, blow jobs. And what's the right word to call it? Congoling is. Okay. Oh my God. Three for each?

Sure. Okay. So for women, I think going down on a guy, the number one thing is enthusiasm. That you really just want to be into it. You want to like be focused. Like it's the most like delicious ice cream cone you've ever had and you don't want to. say drop. You are into it. You want to be doing it. And I know for women, like, ew, but I don't like it. And that's like a whole other, I could keep going on that. I've talked

about this forever. But really just enthusiasm. I think for men, too, like, if she just looks like she's like bored, tears and not excited, that doesn't turn you on. No, it's terrible. Well, and you then you feel like it's, yeah. Yeah. I don't think I have that problem. No, you don't have no problem. So I think enthusiasm, and I think that also it has to do with, with pressure. Like, you have to make sure that, use your mouth in your hands. Like, your hands are your new best friend. Every blow job was like an infant hand job. It was like an orphan hand job, right? A blow job wasn't.

So use your hands. They can twist around because women are like, I can't get it all the way in or my mouth gets tired. Not if you use your hands right. So you want it to be wet, use a lot of lube, use your hands for enough pressure and technique. And so I'd say enthusiasm. Ball tickle, lightly starting with the balls. And then I would just say make sure it's wet enough. Wet.

You don't want to be like hurting them with friction. And what about guys for girls? go slow. You always want to go slow. You want to, maybe use your fingers and hands. Let's see my three things for men would be to, I think, my number one sex tip for men across the board is to go five times slower than you think with everything, with undressing her, with making out. Five times. Well, or three. But I think, like, for men, you got to go higher sometimes because they don't get what it means. So, yeah, a little bit slower, three times though, whatever works. And I think that you want to tease. So build her up to her, but don't go right for the clitoris, because for a lot of women, when they're not turned on yet, if you go right for her hotspot, it kind of can even hurt. So I think, like, teasing around her, like, inner thighs, even around her whole pelvic area, her pubic mound, like you're just playing with it and tickling it.

So tease and then move into it and then practice with different tongue strokes. So, again, lighter, use like a flat tongue. You might want to go up and down or side to side, but just pay attention to how she's reacting to that and how she's feeling. and then I would also say what else? Like I guess you could use your fingers, but only if like those. Maybe some toys. Oh, toys are always huge for all sex.

I love it because you could use a toy inside of her maybe, like an insertion toy if you're also using your mouth. And I just think toys are, yeah. I don't know how well, men can multitask. We're just educated. It's already plugged in and ready to go. Thank you. That was amazing.

Oh, so fun. You'll have to come back on and we'll have to do like a niche one. Thank you so much. Thank you for the toys, too. My scented massage candle. And make sure you read the instructions, Lauren, on how to... I'm going to show you. I'm going to show you.

I bought you some other stuff too. I'm going to afford this all over your off tonight. Oh, I bought you some loops too. Thanks, Emily. Okay, you're welcome. Thanks. Wait, just a few things before you take off. Do you guys want a short email from me?

Tipsy Thursday is a quick email with loads of value that includes five tips from me. I'm super excited for this week's tipsy Thursday because it is all about sexual wellness. It'll also include my favorite song of the week, my favorite show, and my favorite book. It's a super short, tiny little apperty for you. To check it out, just go to the skinny confidential.com and click Lorne Everts and then subscribe. Super easy. Drop your email in and you will get the next one.

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Thank you guys so much for listening. We will see you next Tuesday. This episode was brought to you by Wu for Play. Woo for Play is an all natural organic coconut love oil. This personal lubricant is perfect for Valentine's Day, a gift for you or your lover. With only four natural ingredients, this product will enhance every sexual experience you have. It's also edible and can be used for a nice, intimate massage. Woofer Play is giving all TSC him and her listeners 20% off plus free shipping when using promo code Skinny at Checkout.

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