The Bossticks - Ari Shaffir - How To Keep Going After Failures, Comedy, Cancel Culture, & Pursuing A Creative Career

Episode Date: July 24, 2024

#730: Today we're sitting down with Ari Shaffir, a comedian, actor, podcaster, writer, and producer. He's best known for his stand up comedy and his last special, "Jew," which has garnered almost 6 million views and was written up in The NY Times in its list of best specials of the year. In this episode we discuss life as a comedian, how to stay true to yourself, how to pursue a creative endeavor, and what it takes to get up after failure. To connect with Ari Shaffir click HERE   To connect with Lauryn Bosstick click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE To Watch the Show click HERE For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) This episode is brought to you by The Skinny Confidential Head to the HIM & HER Show ShopMy page HERE to find all of Michael and Lauryn's favorite products mentioned on their latest episodes.   This episode is brought to you by AG1 If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1. Go to drinkAG1.com/SKINNY to get a free 1-year supply of Vitamin D3K2 AND 5 free AG1 Travel Packs with your first purchase.  This episode is brought to you by Eight Sleep Head to eightsleep.com/skinny and use code SKINNY to get $350 off Pod 4 Ultra. They currently ship to the US, Canada, UK, Europe and Australia   This episode is brought to you by ResortPass   Visit Resortpass.com/skinny to get $20 off your first ResortPass experience.   This episode is brought to you by Dipsea   A modern approach to romance through high-quality and captivating audio fiction. Dipsea is offering an extended 30 day free trial when you go to DipseaStories.com/skinny.   This episode is brought to you by Cotton: The Fabric of our Lives   Cotton is The Fabric of Now. Learn more at TheFabricOfOurLives.com   Produced by Dear Media

The following podcast is a dear media production. She's a lifestyle blogger extraordinaire. Fantastic. And he's a serial entrepreneur. A very smart cookie. And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you along for the ride. Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to the skinny confidential, him and her.

Remember Michael Richards? But he came to the comedy store before all that stuff happened. And it was like, oh shit, it's fucking Kramer. But then he hadn't been on stage in like five years. So we're like, oh my God. And then it's like, you know, you can't be good if you have been on stage for five years. So then like he goes on and it's like, oh, right, you're not an everyday comic. And we're all just like, anyway, let's get back to our conversations.

Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the skinny confidential him and her show. Today we're sitting down with Ari Sheffir. He is a comedian, actor, a podcaster, writer, and producer who is best known for his stand-up comedy and his most recent special Jew, which has garnered almost six million views and was written up in the New York Times as one of the best comedy specials of the year. This episode is a comedy-focused episode, something to take you out of your week, help you relax, help you laugh a little bit, not take everything so seriously.

We had a ton of fun with Ari. With that, Ari, welcome to the Skinny Confidential, him and Her show. This is the Skinny Confidential, him and her. Who's the most funny? Comic to hang out with? Yeah. It's the low-level comics, the drunks. They're the most fun.

Huh. Because they get, they don't, nobody knows them so they could get real loose. slipped. So when you get too big or is it hard? Yeah, then people are looking at you. Call them Terrell, this comic, we call him collie cocktails when he gets like Irished up. And yeah, okay, he'll get to wear like, too, she got to lower your voice. You're going to get us thrown out of here. Have you always been funny? Like when you were little? Yeah, I guess so. Always. Yeah. Yeah, class clown stuff. Always. Is that like how you got attention when you were a little? I, there was a, okay, so the, the laws in Maryland I grew up are you can't

try a child as an adult. And there was a multiple, I guess you'd call it murder, but I saw therapy after that. And so it wasn't always, but after these three or four kids died, I think the fourth died too, then it became like, then I got my sense of humor as a self-defense mechanism, but that was like 12 or 13. Wait, wait, are you being serious? There were murders in your town. Me, but it was like an old me. I saw therapy for this. No, I'm not being serious. Got it. Wait, wait, this isn't all my notes, wait. Okay. Someone didn't do their research.

Are your parents funny? No, really horribly unfuny. My brother is. That's about it. Do they think you're funny? Yeah, they do. They don't get it, though. They don't get it.

It's nice and people are laughing at them. So what was your childhood like? I just had a fun time. I don't know. Parents stuck together. Most comments are like pretty fucked up childhood was. Yeah, everything was pretty nice. We're all you guys.

Honestly, pretty nice. Yeah. It's almost like embarrassing, right? Yeah. Like your parents are still together. I wish I had a better story. I think my parents just celebrated their 40th anniversary. Happy anniversary moment, dad.

Happy anniversary moment. Like you wish you had more trauma to like. Yeah, to draw from it. It would be really nice. You got a couple of beatings or something. A horse that got too like, you know, loose in the household. Something. Just some color to the child.

Something. Yeah, exactly. So you don't have anything. Yeah, if my dad was in the clan, it would have been fucking awesome. I thought I'd like cut them out. But really no. Just a really normal childhood. Yeah.

So at what point do you decide? They paid for college. When do you decide you want to make for a career out of this? After college, the job seemed really bleak. Sitting under a, well, yeah, different lights in this, you know. What, you know. Like DMV lights. Yeah, DMV lights.

Uh-huh. And when you're going. It seems so horrific. It is. You just sit there. Just sit. Yeah. I'd go visit my friends.

My friends worked, she had a conference at Pricewaterhouse, Cooper's library, whatever. Okay. I don't know. And she was like, come to see I've got free lunch. And I'm in there and I'm just like start hyperventilating. I was like, I got the fuck out of here. These are all like Norm Corps people.

Is it weird? Like, I always think about what I wish that I was funny. I would, like, I look at people like you and I'm like, oh, you can just go up there and make all these people. But I also feel like it must be so rad to have the group of guys where you can just like laugh and say whatever the fuck you want whenever you want. And nobody's overly sensitive. And it's just like. I have barbecues and I have, it's a comics only barbecue. And people like, well, I'll bring my wife.

You're like, no. You can't. What if the wife's funny? Only if she's a comic. She has to be a comic. It has to be, because we have to be able to say, we want to say some stuff that we can only say. Yeah, maybe.

Careful. It's only the, no, no, it's really only comics. I've gotten to fight to my friends. Like, no, you know my wife. It doesn't matter. We got to be able to, like, really scream about the Holocaust. Can Whitney come? And have fun.

Whitney can come, for sure. Yeah. So it has to be a real. But she can't bring her dumb kid. No. Yeah. She's got to leave that thing at home. Yeah.

So what's the barbecue like? Barbicies are great. But then it's like, we used to, I used to have a backyard where we had neighbors and they would get pretty pissed. We just talk about dark stuff. Like, it's just, like, laughing dark stuff? Yeah, laughing dark stuff. But real dark.

So people are hearing a passing by and they're like, you guys can't be saying this out loud. Like, if you don't record it, like, would you get canceled? Yes, every one of us, for sure. I think you should start a series. When the audience is like, start a series of what? Barbecues. Yeah.

It would not be natural. But I feel like comedy's back now. Comedy's so back. People are just now, like, we had a moment there. We were talking about the moment was maybe like right The peak was the Will Smith slap moment And then I think after that people were like Okay, it needs to come back because it got too serious

It got so serious It's so much money's in comedy now So everyone got like real real And then now it's like back where it's people like Oh we know Gen Z is like crushing it They're like pushing away millennials All their anger What would our audience be surprised to know

About the behind the scenes at these comedy clubs Like that we don't know It's so boring No Yeah nothing's happening Every lady of ever dated It feels left out And then you're like, fine, come

And then she's like, all you do is talk shit About your comic friends And you're like, yeah, I know That's what we do all the time You just talk shit We just talk shit And we get super worked up about stuff It doesn't matter

Like what? Like super major fights about if the L or if the F is a better way To get to a certain stop Or like which bars are better Or like yeah What's a better breakfast food? Like angry fights

Is there drugs and alcohol? Oh yeah Okay, but I always think about this like way more than I'd like to admit. Yeah. If I'm a comic and I have to go on stage, I would have one drink. I feel like if I have more, I couldn't be funny. Okay.

Let me ask you a question slash challenge. Have you ever done this show just completely fucked up? This show? Yeah. Yeah. There's a couple. There's a few that we've been fucked up. Really?

Not fucked up where I'm like swash. I kind of feel like I would have had more fucked up for you. Like I thought like we would have had like I should have had like something here. Like drink for, go off for drinks for like three hours and be like, oh, if I got your home, I'm like, let's stop by the studio first. We've done that a couple times. Yeah. I mean, listen, it depends on you're like having some, you know, somebody that like a child psychologist on. And then, you know.

A bird gave me one. A bird gave me that thing. Zinn? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That was the first time. Really? First time she had to like it.

It's trash for trash people. Oh, Bert. Yeah. It's trash. Yeah, that's course. That's why you liked it. Yeah. Speak up from the garbage dump.

the back. Wait, so I don't understand, though, how you can, like, get fucked up and go out on stage and really, like, perform. Oh, we fail a lot. Okay. Yeah. So, yeah, yeah, we get too fucked up. It's bad. You're thinking, I think you're thinking about, like, when you see the special that you see on somewhere, and you're not thinking about, like, the normal, like, yeah, day to day, it's 15-minute spots. You're not really even on the lineup. You're not really marketed much. So they're not coming to see you. They're just coming out for a night out. And then you go up and you're like, should follow some killer, young comic. And then you're like, oh, I just failed. But it's like, who cares?

You don't care. Yeah, but when you charge your money for your own tickets on the road or something, then it's like, no, don't get too fucked up for that. What do you do if you have a really funny joke and it doesn't land? Do you get embarrassed or do you not get? Yeah, no, it never got easier. Yeah. It fucking sucks. It's wild when you think about it for a professional comic. It should never happen. Every one of the audience is there to laugh. So much of the paid money to come and laugh. They're in the mood to laugh. And then you have some, so anybody could just say a joke. They'd be like, oh, sweet, I'm in the mood to left. Obviously, I'm the right audience for this.

And then it's not just anybody. It's a professional comic. And it's a professional comic who prepared something. So it's the perfect storm. Of course, it's going to be a laugh every time. And then you say a punchline, it's just silence. And you stare at you like, was that the joke? It's crazy when a bomb happens.

It should never happen. It happens. What do you do now when it happens? Call attention to it. Damn, you guys, that was really bad. Just so you know, there was a joke there. I guess none of you even recognized it. Does it still rattle you or no?

No, not really. Yeah, I mean, how long has been now? 20-something years. Yeah, so, okay, so nothing you can say at this point. Nothing. I've bombed in front of, like, chicks I wanted to fuck. Like, like, where it's like, this will steal the deal, and then it's steal it the other way. What's the worst?

I don't know, though. If I'm in the audience and I want to fuck the comic, and he bombs, and he knows how to recover and has finesse about it, I'm kind of turned on. No, that's if he can recover. You just do you get a pity fuck. Yeah. Yeah. No, no.

You don't want to fuck a failure. Yeah. Lauren, no. Okay. You'll see a failure and go like, I want that. No way. But if he's like sweet. You'll completely shut up.

You'll shut. I will dry like a prune. No, I'm saying you'll seal back up. You'll have no vagina. That's what I'm saying for like a day or two. And then you're like, oh, I've got to get that failure out of my head. And then you'll just never take his phone calls again. What if there's a girl that you wanted to fuck in the audience?

What do you do? Like, do you just say this is not going to work? I'm remembering a time. No, it's just like, you just keep trying. It's like, it's just over. then you just see them. They're just like, oh, they get so fucking dry. You're just like, it's done.

And you're like, what we're supposed to hook up? We were going to date. This is just a CLED? I didn't even do this. Do you have like a sick like kind of like I love it when your comic friend is on stage and it happens to them? Yeah, for sure. For sure. For sure.

Because we've also all been through it so that it's also like, oh. You can hear the laugh. There's a special kind of laugh. It's like da-da-da-s set up punchline. And then there's a silence where it should be. you laugh, the comic sees it, there is no laugh, and then two comics in the back, you go, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Because it's that perfect storm. It's just two comics laughing so hard at how uncomfortable it is. Who's the biggest heckler out of all your friends?

We don't heckle each other. You don't? No, no, no, no. We let them fail on their own. That's like a no-no. Yeah, yeah, yeah, let them have their time. What do you do when there's a heckler? I just, I mean, I just get hard and try to, like, hide it. I don't know. You just try to get them out of there. Sometimes you have fun with it. What's the word? It depends on what kind of mood you're in And if you're trying to do anything It's so fun

You just like belittle them It's fun What's it? Do you remember a moment When like you bombed And that one just stuck with you It's just like one you can never forget Like the one time

Yeah this one about this chick Kim I'm remembering now Oh my God This is a real thing that happened Yeah she's married with kids now It was around here It was in this near this neighborhood So bad

She ran and found someone to get married And have kids Was her last Tim Kardashian Kardashian yeah I was a rebound in between Pete and And whatever she's, whatever she's out now. She was going the comic route for a minute. She was?

She was going the lawyer route. She couldn't decide. Anything's possible. Can we say what a great job Kanye did with her? I think what it is is like she had all the pieces, but he came in and edited it and refined it. Yeah. And, but then I think, I think to give her credit that then she took it and took it to the next level. Sure.

Yeah, yeah. But he saw potential. Do you ever see, it was, who's the guy from the Neptune? The producer from the band The Neptunes. Taylor, look it up. Perel, yeah. And he's listening to Maggie Rogers or some whatever. And she's starting to sing as like an audition for something.

And he's like, all right, this isn't bad. And then it hits him like 30 seconds. And he's like, oh, she's as good as me. And then he's just like, keep playing this song. Let me just enjoy this song. You know? But he was like, and then she excelled on her own. But she was like a nobody.

So it's like giving Kanye. That's Kanye and Kim. Like she had a chance, but she was trash. And he was like, there's a gold under there. Michael is kind of someone who Kanye's me. Are you calling yourself trash? No, I'm being honest. I'm being self-wear.

What? Michael Kanye's me. He got you on trashy? I don't know. He got you class. Trashy is not the right word. I just think he refined my style to be the way. What did you get?

What'd you do? What did you see? There was a lot of sweatpants there for a minute. Yeah, a lot of sweatpants. We went to a sweatpants phase. We went through a sweatpants phase. That was okay for three weeks in COVID. And then it's like, get yourself together.

It was like three years. Oh, wow. It was like a double. It was like a full, it was like a big loose sweat top, low sweat bottom. What is that? I don't know. Bad buddy could pull it off and that's it. Yeah, yeah.

I think I had just like a moment too long of that. And he came in. I think a lot of people are still in it. And he edited out. It's like not trying is the style and people eventually like, guys, guys. But sometimes I look at some of these people, I'm like, well, maybe you should try. Yeah, you should try. You coniator.

That's crazy. Yeah, he's very particular with his taste. He's a fourth Japanese. He's very organized and meticulous. He's a fourth Japanese. Nice. Who was the third? In second.

Yeah, he was the fourth one. He came in and, like, edited everything. That's great. Yeah. You're a producer. I'm particular. He's particular. Yeah.

I love to seeing the before you. There she is. Oh, that is different. It's different. It's a different look. It's like blonde, huge fake tits. Really? Yeah.

Really big ones. We'll send you, we'll send you some shots later. I'll send you a mere selfie of me before. I'm trying to look at it now. Yeah, that is a different person. It's a different thing. I'm trying to imagine like where I'd meet each of these two people. It's totally different, right?

Different establishments you'd be in. It's like one's kind of like maybe I'm like at a horror. Yeah, yeah. And now it's a little bit more. This is classic. You meet that girl and like where are we going out? Like we're not going out. What are the weirdest interviews we've ever done is we flew to the Bunny Ranch.

You know, the one out there in Reno. And we did, we interviewed some of the girls out there. Okay. And like that version was there. Yeah. That version was there. And I was like, should I stay here and work there at the money? Let me tell you something. That place on a Wednesday in the middle of the day.

It's not as. It's not as the dream. He was there last Wednesday, you know. It's not as exciting as you think. The daytime strip club vibes are like, ugh. The C squad. That's so mean. Well, because people are like waking up from like, you know, the night before.

It's like it's like 1140 a.m. in the morning. We're there with like a recording equipment. Like, hey, we're here for the interview. It's not like. I bet it's not the same as like pulling in at like 10.30 p.m. Also, it's like if it was the Tonight Show, they'd be like, bring out the best. When you, when all this. Nothing's worse than going to the strip club.

I'm like, this is it. Or one of those like massage parlors, like, come on. The massage parlors, though, are different because I feel like it's, it's like you don't really care who it is. My friend just called. It's funny to hear him like, he was like, in the next few days he's going. You could tell. And he would call and go, hey, how many girls do you have working today? He knows the questions.

Okay. And then he called a gay one back. sit and they go, this is not the spot you're looking for. Call another one. He was like, oh, okay. You know what the move is? It's to go into like a foot spa. Because you know who came on here?

Laura Clary, she's a comedian, I think. And she said that she went to like a massage parlor and the girl who's massaging her gave her an orgasm. From both feet? No. She was rubbing her vagina. And then when the girl looked away, she pushed her pussy down to where her foot was. Yeah.

She was like, just keep doing it. And then Laura went back the next day. To get another one. Yeah. Yeah. It became like a problem. Then she had to remedy it. Yeah.

She went to she would, he's like, which, which, what's the number? Here's by the way, for the list of the home, you want to know which ones do that.

It's anyone with a lock on their door. Yeah. No, no business locks their door. The neon sign with, the heart with the hand and the rose. Yeah. And there's like,

Charlie knows so much about this. I've never heard of a woman going there. Good for, go for, football all the time. I have never had a happy ending there. But you know, it's like a massage, right? It's like a massage.

Your eyes are closed as it count. I don't know. You just say you got to rub the other toe, the camel toe. Nice. Well-ridden. Well-ridden. If there's someone disgusting, it doesn't count even as cheating. If it's like, I wouldn't do this if I was single with this person. Then it's like,

just go for it. But you're still doing it, so it doesn't count. Right. Okay. Taylor thinks so too. When cancel cultural was going on and there's all this cancel culture, was it like playing laser tag as a comedian, or did you not give a fuck? I didn't, but I actually liked, I like pushing for it. What do you mean?

I like seeing how close to the line you can get and then going slightly over and see how mad you can get people get people, while other people are laughing. It's fun. Like what's going over the line during cancel culture? Anything that people are like, it's just like sick, nice. Nice.

People in the audience. If I have 300 people in an audience, I two have to walk out angry. if you're going right. Who walks out angry? What do they look like? Dorks. They look a lot like you. Friendly?

Yes. It's women. It's almost always drunk white women. Almost always drunk white women. Do they get dragged there by their boyfriend and they're like, what is this? A little bit, yeah. Or they've also never been not the center of attention and they, most are cool. First of all, I'm just saying, it's most of them are still cool.

It's the ones that aren't. Or like, I don't like not being the center of retention. Fuck this. I want my attention back. and they just can't. And they'll say something like, I don't agree with this. Like, yeah, I know.

I'm saying the opposite of how I feel. It's hard not to be the center of attention. And then they're a little bit drunk. They haven't seen one drink and two drinks for these chicks is fucking wild. For men, it's seven to eight. You know, it's where we start to get in a shit. Women, it's like, I've had one. This is, I feel good.

Here, a step of another one. Fuck everything. Like, that line is so thin. And then they're like, no, fuck this guy. I think I should be invited to one of your, one of your sets. To see you can keep your mouth shut the whole time? I won't. I won't.

I'll keep my mouth shut. Okay. I want to be in on the barbecue. Okay. I feel like I can hang. Yeah. It is fun when it happens. Everybody else in the audience is like, this is fun.

They are a dork. But some walk out angry. Yeah. And you just say fuck it. You don't care. Well, what are you supposed to do? I don't know. It's like, I saw one time at the Congress where this lady was like,

it's like such a variety of comics. Sometimes it's really nice people. I'm just a little darker. So I'll say things to be like, I don't care for this. And they shouldn't have seen me. And this lady's just like this the whole time. At the end of my set, I was like, hey, that's it from me. Everyone collapsed.

And it was like, can I just say, this lady, you hated me, right? She goes, yeah, I fucking hated you. And I was like, but you kept your mouth shut the whole time. And I saw it and I got to commend you on that. And I was like, everyone, give it up for this dumb fucking lady. And then she was like, all right, all right. And she was like, but she did it right. She just stayed mad and quietly.

But they want the acknowledgement, it sounds like, because it reminds me of a troll on Instagram. What I've realized is that all the troll wants is attention and acknowledgement. They feed all. Their oxygen for their fire is just some attention. So when you give them attention, they actually end up apologizing and coming back around. Yeah, they're fans. So they'll be like, they'll be like, ew, you look so ugly here.

And I'll write back something just super neutral. And then they'll write back, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I love you so much. And you're like, what's happening? They just want acknowledgement. You know what you should say to what's fun sometimes is to go is when someone's like, you fucking suck. This show sucks now, whatever they say.

Just go like, oh, my God, you're obsessed with me. And then they can't really say anything else because they all. They are. I mean, we do this a long time, and it's always funny. It's like, I love this show. But now this, I'm like, what are you doing on fucking Apple review podcast on a Tuesday? Get the fuck out of there. What a dork.

What a dork. What do you do when you get comments on your Instagram that you don't like? You just don't care. It's fine. It doesn't bother you. No, it's funny. It's funny. That's what birth- Half of them are trolls.

And I also am a troll. I love trolling. Oh, you do. So it's just like, you'll go to a website of something you've never heard of. And you're like, let me just get in there and start some shit. Like it would just be a random like you know on the side of your YouTube You'll suggest stuff I'm like I don't know what that is and you go in there and like just pick a fight with someone in the comments And be like this show sucks now something like that or like you don't know shit

Just disagree with them on some fact And like you're an idiot. I'm like I'm an executive chef and I've told you prefer a fact this and yeah yeah it's fun to start an argument and just leave So may Burt came on the show and said he has tens of trolls and he used to read it so maybe half of those accounts were you I want to reveal that would be Dude I was drunk once And I was stenciling around New York We were just like graffeting And then I came across like some late

Some sort of hated lady in comedies Like kind of Broadway show And we're like oh we got to stencil this And so yeah just like graffited over it But it was like if I get caught here I'm gonna be in more trouble than if I just get caught normal So I didn't so I was fine But you kind of trolled through graffiti

Yeah, it would have been great to get Burt off Instagram by himself. Why, he's great on Instagram. Yeah, I mean like, I mean off reading the comments. The one where he went into surgery to pitch his tickets. Did you see that? No. He's going into. All he does is fucking promote this idiot.

You try to have a quiet moment with him and he's like, let's film it. Well, him and I send our buttholes together, kind of. What do you mean? So when you sun your butthole. Wait, back up? Oh, son. Sun. Sun.

Fun. What do you mean you do it together? He sent us a picture of his wide, like, asshole, like just legs up in our group that, like, the moment, the day we met him. Yeah. So you like, you like, you like son your asshole and then you're like sing like, like, you ever know about Fival? Fival Goes West?

Yeah, I love that movie. Somewhere there's both wishing on the same moon. And you're singing that song to the sun that's sunning your assholes. Bible goes west is a great reference. Many listeners won't have any fucking idea what we're talking about with that reference. Sunning your butt hole is really good for, stay with me. Lord, I'm trying to get to know who you are. Your butt hole doesn't get any sun.

That's true. Okay. So if you sun your butthole and the thing, what's the gooch area? Yeah. Won't you burn instantly though? Sorry, go ahead. No, it's not. It's really energizing.

No, no, but it's got no sun. Yeah. So you can't just suddenly, like Anne Frank, when she left that day, she was like, I'm going to burn. You know, a little did she know. You know what? Sunning your butt hole. Sending your butt hole. works. It works.

No, but you know what? Don't you have to start that with like a minute and then be like, okay, that's good for today. And then the next day, like two minutes. Work yourself up to it. Like, you got to get a boss-based hand every year. You can't just go straight to I'm going outside of my shirt off. You have to have a big yard with a lot of land and privacy. Yeah, that's true too. If you're in L.A. or New York and you're doing that, like you're going to jail. I don't, I... Jerry Sundusky tried it and it didn't work. He was right next to her school and

he got in a lot of trouble. Misunderstood. He could have just said that. Yeah, that's a good excuse. Yeah, like if Bert's over there in the valley doing that in the neighbor, he's done. Yeah. Also, he takes up the whole yard. So he's really had a yard. That was big enough.

He was with his leg, butthole spread, hands out, gooch. Is it hairy? I kind of want to see it. I kind of don't, but I want to see it. Yeah. It's like you can't look away. I just think if you're feeling tired, go outside and open him up. Let me see.

What did he do? He had the decency to do graffiti over. To block it out. Yeah, he shouldn't have blocked it out. What do we see this? That's cut. I love whoever his employees that had to like, there's a shadow right there, the guy who had to take the picture.

It was like, ugh, why is this my job? You said fun content. You didn't say this. Okay, tell us who you think. Yeah. The funniest of your friends is out of all of them. Oh, my God. Who's the funniest?

Yeah. Just around? I'm going to ask you for funniest and least. Who makes you laugh the most? You're not going to get that out of me. Who makes me laugh? Oh, okay. Okay, okay, okay.

On stage is David Tell. But also like, what? Everyone says that. Because he's the best one. Okay. And then just like offstage, God, there's so many fucking fun people to have our own. Norman makes me laugh and Shane and Rogan, Tony.

Yeah, we'll just like hang out. The hangout ones, the ones you can get drunk with. List makes me laugh a lot. Who's not funny? Who's not funny? Yeah. Everybody's funny in comedy. Everyone?

Yeah, nobody's serious. We're all fucking. And for the bad ones you shouldn't. being in the first place. What if someone's not funny, did they get iced out? Yeah. Yeah, remember Michael Richards? Uh-uh.

So he came, what? I don't know what that is. Kramer from Sainer. Okay, okay. Yeah, he came and grew on him, you know, whatever. But he came to the comedy store before all that stuff happened. And it was like, oh, shit, it's fucking Kramer. But then he hadn't been on stage in like five years.

So we're like, oh, my God. And then it's like, you know, you can't be good if you haven't been on stage for five years. So then like he goes on and it's like, oh, right, you're not an everyday comic. And we're all just like, ugh, anyway. Let's get back to our conversations. We have no time for it. It's just like not funny. When you are performing, is it like a muscle?

It sounds like you have to get on stage all the time. It was weird. After COVID, you see people coming back after like a few months off. And they're like, wait, where do you even put this? Like, hey, everyone. Like, you didn't know how to pause and stuff. It was like a week to get back into it. It was pretty wild.

And you've seen like one at a time people came out of COVID. So you'd be like, what's wrong with you? Like, oh, this is your first week back. You've been unlocked out. So you have to put yourself out there constantly to keep it going. Yeah, and it's fun. So you do it anyway. But yeah, yeah, yeah.

You stay sharp. Did they shut down the comedy store, the whole COVID? I think so. I was in New York, and we all moved to rooftops pretty fast. Because Austin stayed pretty wide open, yeah. Austin stayed wide open. You could do anything smoke weed publicly. I think so.

I wasn't, yeah, no, I think everything shut down. I don't remember. Because we were talking before we came here, like, a lot of people out in Austin right now. And I feel like it was like when everyone shut down, a lot of the comedians were part of that. Because people could go there and have a good time. Well, the cool thing was the young New York comics was like they took charge. All the younger comics was like, we'll build a room because they had to go on stage every night, like every night, every night. And they were like, we can't not.

So they found rooftops. They found backyards. They found illegal shit. And they just made it happen. Chappelle did a whole thing about how we was saving comedy by building this outdoor place. And everyone in New York was like, we've been doing that for like day two. We shut down for one day and then we're like, let's go. Quick break to talk about AG1.

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You want to hear a funny story? Yeah. So Lauren comes to me. There's never going to be a time. I won't say yes to that. You can't say a funny story. It's a funny story. She comes to me.

She's like, hey. Yeah. She goes for your birthday, I got you tickets. We're going to go see a comedy show. I was like, oh, fuck yeah. It was like mid-COVID, but it was in Vegas. What a girl. And she's like, yeah.

She's like, it's like an intimate room with Chappelle and Rogan. And I was like, what? What? I was like, whoa. I'm like, that's pretty fucking sick, right? She's like, yeah, we're going to go. And it's like, it's like a very, it's like a small group of people and we're going to watch them. I'm like, dude, this is sick, right?

Yeah. She takes me to the fucking MGM arena. And I'm in the nosebleeds. Like, we're at the nosebleeds. And he got COVID. Worth it. Worth it. It was worth it.

Even in those days when it was like, it might be death. And Sigura opened for him as a surprise. And it was a great show. But I was like, this I'm like, Lauren, the idea of like an intimate, like I'm in a room. I was picturing like a smoky comedy room. Dude, it's so funny coming out of that thing. And you see people like, uh, wait, I need a minute. I need to reaclimate to, like, people.

And by the way, I walked into that arena. And I was like, at this Rogan Chappelle show, we are for sure getting covered. Wait, Ari, can I tell you what I thought in my head it was going to be? Because I have a big imagination. I thought that the room would be about this big. I thought Rogan would be sitting over there passing me a blunt. And we would be like smoking it together, drinking some beers together. And you show up, who the fuck are all these other VIPs?

There's 20,000 of them. No, I told her. We're in the MGM. The way I imagined it. It's like, it's like the filter on Instagram. If you're like on Tinder, you see a filter and then you see it in person, it was like, completely different. But here's it. It was an amazing show, but I would prefer to see comedy in a smaller.

A million percent. You wouldn't. Yeah, 120 Cedar. It would be so fucking cool. I'm up there and the guy, the beer cart person's like walking around, you know. Yeah. It's so removed. I've seen a few shows like that.

It's like, it's not my thing. What do you think about them having you put your. phone in a bag. That's intriguing to me. Yeah, I think what they should do one day. Yeah. Hopefully they'll do this. So you put your phone in your bag and then like break your phone. They just break everyone's phone. Why? Just so everyone has to be off their phone for the whole fucking day. Because you guys don't like when you're on stage and people on the phone. Not just that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like you miss, forget the like filming you are going to put this out. I told you, we say dark shit. So at clubs, it's like, hey, we can get away. Everyone's kind of

signed up for it. Yeah. You know, except for that lady. That lady is not signed up for it. But she wanted it by accent. That lady's kind of fun. She's in the back. You guys are inviting me in the back. You never know. It was pretty fun, actually. Yeah, come on.

You're still fun. I'm still fun. I'm still fine. It's a different kind of fun. Yeah. But the attention span fucking sucks. Where it's like, what's supposed to mean? Like, it's, I had a setup.

You missed what I'm talking about. You know what's fun? I'll do this in an audience. I see somebody just on their phone. And then I'll like, keep talking. I'll take a napkin and I'll wot it up. And then as they're just like, they're lost. And I'll just like, hit him with it.

And they're like, what the fuck? And I'm like, what was they talking about? And what do they do? Nothing. I don't know. They get either embarrassed and like, sorry. Or they're like, fuck you, you hit me. It's funny.

But I'm like, you're not going to do anything more exciting than this this week. Do people get blacked out drunk? Oh, yeah. Like blacked out. Yeah. So right. Sometimes hecklers are fun because they're like, they mean well. They're just like lit up.

Yeah. Yeah. That, those are fun. And everyone's having a good time with them. What do you? Yeah, you got to see a show at like the store. Yeah, I like to go. In the belly room, maybe.

Like, I remember we, the last time, before everything went crazy here and everything shut down before we moved, like we saw Theo down at the, what's the one right over there, the Laugh Factory? La Factory store? It was one of them. But it was a small, small group. And like, he's done so well since he's really, like, crushed it. This is like before he blew up. This was before.

And it was so fucking funny, but there was nobody, there was like 25 people in the room. And I like that. Because then you can like, you have the energies right there. Late night vibe, too. It's all kind of split up and the room's kind of bombed out. Everyone's kind of tight. Yeah, you can really. It's very conversational.

Those big arenas is like, they're fun, but you're putting on a show. I prefer like. What's your pre-show ritual, don't lie? None of us have these rituals. Come on. You don't have any routine. That's movie shit. What are you talking about?

Like, you don't have like a like, like you shake it out. Burke came on here and said his travel rituals. He goes in the shower and lathers his whole body up completely. A whole thing. Before our trial. No, here's Bert's travel ritual because I've been on the row with him. Parties and Tess, come on, you guys got to keep up for three straight days. and then he sleeps for 27 hours and takes 800 different pills to fucking calm himself down and then he repeats that it's on a four day cycle you have no ritual that you do ritual no sometimes we're just in the middle of a conversation and then it's like we're trying to finish it as they're bringing you up you're like yeah yeah wait okay shit I got to go nothing after no no it's not like that that's movie shit it's not there's no no well some people will say we do no we don't have anything it's not that it's so casual

There's no love to you guys have, do you have one? Yeah, I have a full morning. Shut up. No fucking way. I have a four hour morning routine. He loves being married to me. I have a four hour morning routine. I have 100 rituals.

What are you getting to paint and makeup? No. No, no, no, no. What do you do? I don't know, like meditation, sunlight, hydration, electrolytes. You're such an L.A. chick. Coffee after 90 minutes. I've heard that.

It's so good for you. Yeah. You got to have the electrolytes first. You're right. She has the chick. in the audience. Can I tell you something? Bert is really into wellness because he,

he told me. He is a pig. Michael, tell him out. What wellness? What are you talking about? Michael. Who looks like that who's into wellness? That's a dying man.

He is really into wellness. He told me his favorite podcast to listen to is the solo episodes where I talk about wellness. He told me he scrapes his tongue because of me. There's no way. He's crazy to tell him when he's trying to vomit out the too much booze he's had. You think he was, how did he, how did he throw up last night? Booze.

It was too much. Yeah, it was like, I'm getting rid of it. Jameson and rocks. Oh. Yeah. Stuck with one, though. I was smart enough to stick with one. And you threw up after one?

No. No. Okay, explain that. I mean, I didn't swap drinks. I stayed with Jamo. Was this like, hey, I just got to like. It's just barf on purpose. Oh, I love it.

Yeah. I'm feeling weird. It was like, excuse me, guys. Just one second and there's like, but you get that finger way down. I can't do that. Scrape the tongue. I can't. No, I get what you were saying.

Scrape the tongue. What were you doing last night? It's at the comedy store. Okay. Yeah. Do you have to scrape your tongue after you throw up? Yeah. Okay.

And then we got turned up. And then you just got after it. Yeah. Till what time? I slept on the bathroom fucking floor. I woke up on the bathroom floor this morning. And look, you know what? There's a pro right here.

I'm like, God damn. He's my spirit animal. I wake up on tile. I'm like, what? You know, like, ugh. That's like exactly Pro you do it too No what it is a pro move

But I was you know Taylor back there He said he just did this event Out in Austin Yeah and he's our producer I need to get a hold of him And his phone's not working He goes yeah like I don't know My phone's over there in a bag

Because like Austin Has a lot of moisture No I'm like you know people's phone Survivor I think he threw up and put it in the toilet I think that's 100% Yeah that's what it is Taylor what's the real story

There's moisture in Austin It's a humid area I said I have my phone in Austin All day there's no moisture It was literally raining It was like Shawshank Redemption Rating it's in your pocket I think

you hooked up with a girl. Something was there. He was a shirt threw up and dropped it in the toilet. I fucking know it. Taylor passed out in Las Vegas on the streets of Las Vegas and woke up in an encampment. Homeless encampment.

What I mean? What? I got date raped. What a sleep you'll get waking up in a fucking tent? He was laying there and the blazing sun was coming down and the shadow that was hitting the light pole. He was so fucked up. He just would roll with the shadow as the sun moved in the sky.

We've all been in music festivals. That's what you've got to do. It's like the sun's like you're getting up now. Like, give me two or minutes. It's so hot in here. Taylor, I feel like you laid there and hung out and like scrolled your phone and like just... What do you put your phone in a plastic bag? Of course.

In rice. He said it's right. He said it's not working because of the moisture, the humidity in Austin. I was happy with myself today. I had like a tuk or whatever, like a beanie. And I saw it like, wait, how did I get so far out of the bathroom? And I think in my, I like managed like, you're going to barf on this and like throw it behind me. So you took the beanie off so you didn't barf on the beanie.

Yeah. Yeah. I could also have seen myself reaching 14. So I was like, it was like a throat. Do you do any wellness things? Well, I'm not sure exactly. I love what you said, what that word means. What is wellness?

Like, I feel like there's got to be some, what is this whole industry? Yeah, what's wellness? Like there's got to be some healthy things that you do. I'll have a salad once in a while. Okay. Yeah. See, there's something in there. I go on hikes.

You go on hikes? Yeah. Do you work out? Do you lift? No. But you go on hikes. Yeah, I go on hikes. So you're just naturally fit.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm not a fucking fat piece of shit. When you start getting fat, just eat a goddamn salad. Hey, everybody, if we're looking for a change, oh, salad would go a long way. Oh, it's so hard for me. Have you tried one salad ever? God damn, make a fucking bit of effort.

That's for, that's your wellness tip for today. TikTok's going to love your wellness tip. Jenji's going to love it. I get it, but fucking try a little. What's your favorite podcast? There's a long line in between a fucking high-level influencer and a fat piece of shit. Just there's a lot of room in between You don't have to get all the way there

Oh, salad! Yeah Bert does have a lot of wellness tips I'm just saying he really does Here's Bert's wellness tips From eating with him Order two full meals And then go, can I also have a side of fruit?

Which I've seen him doing expectations in Montreal And then the fruit doesn't get touched Just because you ordered it doesn't burn calories What is it like to date you? It's a lot I guess I guess it's a lot Like, no, what do your ex-girlfriend say?

I think I'm a, I was always a pretty great boyfriend and a pretty shitty ex-boyfriend. Why? I used to get jealous a lot. Really? No, I got, I got better at it. During the relationship. Afterwards. Oh, afterwards.

Yeah. I'm just like, I'm not done playing with that. Like, it's still your toy. Yeah, it's still my toy. And just being a real shithead. But you were good at boyfriend. I got better. I got better.

Yeah, they'd all, yeah, they'd all speak highly of me. Why does it typically, like, no, work out? Just, you know, time. But I, no, I'm a good boyfriend. I like to fuck hard and eat dope meals. You like to fuck hard and eat dope meals. So your type is someone. Who wouldn't want to like?

That's pretty fun. That's pretty fun. You'd like a salad and you want to fuck hard. Well, that's lunchtime shit. But you're saying that they get a great dinner, a good hard fuck. Yeah. Yeah. Like, what's not to like?

Yeah, but I always think about this. Good conversation. I ask Bert this too. How do you guys not cheat when you're on the road? Like, I feel like you guys are surrounded by beautiful women. What Bert does is a bunch of gay shit with his openers. That's how he manages not cheat. A bunch of gay shit.

I've heard the stories. Oh. Yeah. Okay. And it's out there. But so that's how he stays faithful. To pull that clip for Bert. Yeah.

For other people, I'm not sure. Is it hard? Dude, I've been naked in a shower with Bert in a steam shower in Park City or, yeah. You've been naked in the shower of Bert? Yeah. Steam shower. I'm just remembering that now. Do you guys?

The matchmaker before Patty Singer was saying? What? Me and Bird Up? No, she was saying, what did she call it? DL. DL. Do you know what DL is? It's like with your boys, you're just wrestling and all of a sudden, like, your dick slips

in their ass. Oh. What's DL? On the DL? She says, like, guys, don't think it's cheating when they're, like, wrestling and all of a sudden the dick slips in the ass if they're married. It's like those memes where it goes like your buddy's, it's like, you are what? It's like those memes where it says your buddy sucked you off, but as long as you say no

homo, it doesn't make it gay. It's like, okay, yeah. I mean, you can define yourself however you want. So, yeah, if you want to say it's not cheating, it's not cheating. I agree. Is it hard to be on the road, though, and have all these hot girls if you're in a relationship around? Yeah, for sure.

Yeah. I mean, the amount of, Bert's a good fucking husband. The chicks would be like, oh, God damn, I want that in my life. I'm sure they're constantly going like, hey, you can have it. No, he said he's completely shut off to it. He said he doesn't. He is, as much of a drinker as he is, he's just like a wholesome kid. Yeah.

Yeah. He's the guy at the frat. He's still on a frat, but he's like, guys, let's drink tonight. I got cornhole! You know, like, all right. And everyone's like, let's go try to like get laid. He's like, come on one more game of cornhole. They're pong!

And it's like, he's wholesome in a drunk way. Yeah. That's really cute. Yeah. Who's your favorite podcast to guest on? Oh. I mean, it's got to be this one now. Thanks.

Yeah. Yeah. Love being on Legion of Skanks because they go hard. Okay. Yeah. They go fucking hard. Are you garbage is fun because they ask you. Have you been on Are You Garbage?

Uh-uh. What's that? It's these two guys who are like real trash. And they judge whether you are. Oh. So they ask you questions. Yeah, you should go on there. What's the criteria?

So they'll ask you questions you've never thought of. So my first time, it was like, have you ever microwaved eggs? and it's like, in college, yeah. And like, they just write down like notes. You're like, no, in college. Like this, like, and they have a lot of questions that get to the heart of it, like an autism test. And they'll be like, they'll be like, oh, they asked me once, like, have you ever squeegee cleaned your car? I'm like, guys, I was a poor, it's been a decade or two, but yeah.

And they're like, okay. Yeah. And it really makes you mad. Are you garbage? Are you garbage? No, were you garbage? First of all, the unverified results. It's just up to them.

Yes, I was You were garbage Yes Okay, I want to go on that You should I have microwave things Has anybody not been garbage that's been on the show? Sigura for some reason was class

Classy or trashy I disagree with a lot of there He lied He lied How do you know he's being truthful Well Yeah I don't know It's up to them, it's up to them

I've squeegees my car And I've It's a great way to get it clean But I was young So does that that still count? They say you have that in you So people become rich and it's like, well, they are these different people. But then it's like, who are you really, though?

I got to be honest, though. Yeah. I would still microwave eggs. In a pinch. In a pinch. I didn't even know you could do that. I would never microwave eggs or a squeegee my car. Taylor, you were sure.

We literally just talked about how you woke up on the streets with the sun under a light. You're for sure. You can't. You're done. You woke up at a homeless encampment? He did. It was across the street from it. No, it wasn't.

Don't lie. So it was close enough. That is such. Across the street from a homeless camera is still a homeless academy. That's just adjacent. Don't lie about what happened. It was homeless adjacent. Didn't you pee your pants?

That's like saying I live in Beverly Hills when you live like just outside Beverly Hills. He does these things and then he doesn't tell the true story until like five story. You slowly. You uncover details. Yeah. So fun to do that. And you're like, wait, I thought you said you got there on Tuesday. But you said now Monday.

And you're like, fuck. Like he's been working with us for a long time. And we had this. And he was telling me like, yeah, like the last event we did. I was like, you know, so responsible. I was watching everyone, went out to the bars in Austin, all little good. And then later, another person in the company said, yeah, I shared a wall with Taylor his whole night and just heard him throwing up all night. I love it.

I love it. I love it. See? You got it. You can't rebuttal it back there. Food poisoning. Yeah. The other day you told me this story about how he premature ejaculated and when he did it, it shot up

all over his chest into his mouth. And when you told- It was in my mouth. When you told the story the first time, you- Wait, what? Yeah, he has- It's a whole thing.

It was like a form- It was like, it was- Like the summer of edgy. Well, before the act, it just lost control. He didn't know what edging was yet. Wait, wait. It was the summer of edgy. I know, it's a lot to dissect.

So you were just making out, Nate, like you got to the point of nudity and then just shot a load up into the air? Don't you guys do like a sober October challenge sometimes? He did the summer. summer of edging where summer of edging summer of summer four months of no like build of and then four months and then he had an encounter four months in and it was just four months yeah but like at what

point was it okay if the clothes were on you're not going to shoot in your face it has to be in between what were you do just dry humping it was rubbing yeah exactly he was grinding he was dry humping and he splooged all over his face in his mouth the dish was the lady say at that point she didn't know i mean she didn't she would know no or I'm sure she would at least go, how does it feel? No, because I just was like, I'm not great, right? I've got to use your restroom real quick. I've got to go to the bathroom.

Oh, you didn't know. Or she does now. Some random guy in my bathroom with a come all over his, it's like enough is enough. She didn't know. And then he came on the podcast and told the whole story. And then went over to her house and left the editing file open. And then she heard it and lost her marbles on him because that's how she found out. What?

Yes. That literally is true. She's probably going to hear it now. Oh, my God. And it left to live through that. Once again, I'm sorry, whoever you are. So you were just edging the whole four months, just getting close and then stopping, like a fucking quaker? I didn't realize that you were supposed to do it and then eventually released before.

So I just kept to take, I was like literally living life on the edge. Were you just blueballed all the time? Pretty much. Were you just like, oh, you sat down like your front hemorrhoids? Front hemorrhoids. He has a little bit of a porn addiction problem. Yeah. No, he solved it, I think.

No, he didn't. No, he did not solve it. He watches it about- Can I just say for a wellness podcast? This is pretty fucking out there. Is that how this was sold to you? Yeah. Oh, she said we're going to go talk about your wellness. I don't know.

Actually, I am curious how they did sell it to you when they reached out. Yeah, tell us how they sold it. They were like, they got a cancellation. Would you be up for it? I'm like, yeah, what's their deal? She's like, a wellness lady and like, I don't know. And I was like, okay. And then I clicked once just to see.

And I saw, you know, Gwyneth here. And you said yes. And I'm like, all right. Well, I guess this is what they are. Let's have some fun. But there's a fun range. This was a different range that I was expecting. Well, I think that this is a bag of checks mix.

You never know what you're going to get. Podcast. I wouldn't call it a wellness podcast. I would say, listen, love speaking to Gwyneth. It would have been hard to broach the edging conversation. I was glad it's fucking palantra. I don't know, though. She has a candle that says this smells like my vagina.

No, you know what? She was pretty cool. I bet we could have got her there if we. Yeah. I wonder. Edged into it a little bit. A noise. I don't really know that she would want to know about Taylor's edging.

or how he pees when he's drunk or just like all the... But, you know, yeah, we like to consider ourselves a duo with range. It's edging really just a new version of like pulling out before you come in one minute. Is that just edging where it's like, hold on, give it a sec? Wait, so you bait. Is that the new don't move, don't move, don't move? I picture it and I've never actually seen someone do it. Michael doesn't have this problem.

I picture it like you're jacking off and right before you're about to come, you stop. Exactly. You're supposed to have, so... But then you can't touch it for a minute. Exactly. Or breathe on it. Oh, my sense. I thought I don't have any movement at all because you're that close.

The sex, the sex party guy was telling you about. What did he call it Taylor? Dick control, some kind of Dick. I don't remember. He said, Damon promised that he could help Taylor work through it.

Do you want to go to one of Damon's parties? One of the sex parties? Yeah. For sure. You go in Germany to some places. Oh. And it's just fucking so cool. Tell us about it.

Have you gone? Yeah. Well, it's just like, there's just like certain clubs. They're like, yeah, they're just nuts. And I walked in there.

I didn't know what to expect. I like, you know, Molly and dancing, white boy dancing, just jumping. And then like, get in. My friend Tommy had to get in. He's like, you're just going to learn some Germans. Because they want a lot of let in tourists, really. So either wear all leather or just learn some German. So he told me like, hey, what time we eat's lunch tomorrow or something like that?

And I said, I think 11 or 1130. Martha's meeting us. And then he said something back in German. And then we just said that when he got to the front. And the guy's like, all right, you guys go in. So then we're like, oh, my God. so much sound, it's overwhelming. And you're like, what the fuck?

I saw people in like ballerine outfits, like had coming out into the lobby. And you're like, whoa, they're like worn out from like 10 hours of going for it. You can check your coat. Story is, somebody checked their gimp there once. It was like, you got to stay there while I'm dancing and have a good time. These places are fucking nuts. First thing I see when I go in, I'm like, let's get a beer. I got, it's too much for me.

I'm an introvert. It's too much. So it's like blaring music. It's like sound systems made for this place. And I go in there and I see, it's a bar kind of like this, long bar. I'm at the edge and I see way down there a guy with no shirt on just ordering like two beers like this and just like I'm like oh he's drunk but he's like moving rhythmically and I'm like what's going on and then I look down and what was moving him was a man's fist just disappeared into his ass just gone and just and just push so that's why he's like like the movement he's a hand puppet I did yes he was the hand puppet. I'd like to think one of those two beers was for the puppet master. But I didn't stare at a lock up.

And the guy was, he was loving it. Both were having a great time. What else was going on at the party? Full, like, you would pass by. But at a certain point, you'd pass by it. And then I got desensitized. But you're like walking to another room and just see some girl like to a guy standing there. And you're just like, at that point, you're just like, whatever, cool.

I try to, I try to pretend that I would act cooler in one of those parties. But I feel like I'd be fully overwhelmed. I think I'd be fine. It's overwhelming. You'd get fine. Well, you'd be fine. I'd be fine. You should have to play a cool.

It's hard. You're not used to see in that, so it's hard to be like, oh, don't. You mean, you see porn. Yeah, it's not every day though that you see some guy being worked like a puppet. Yeah. You first of all, you've never even seen that on porn. Resort Pass. There's one in Austin.

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Dipsystories.com slash skinny. I think I would talk myself into knowing what to expect. Like, I'd be like this is going to be all different kinds of sexual exploration. I did not know what to expect. I thought it was just EDM music. I was not prepared. So did you actually participate? Not in that.

You winked twice if you participated. Were you the puppet master? No comment. You were the puppet master. No, you were. Yeah. No, I would have for sure. There wasn't like a hot girl that you tried to like get in the bathroom.

I didn't know all the rules. Exactly. But yeah, for sure, that would have been great. Just a fuck in there. I have a friend that went to similar. kind of thing and did a huge orgy in front of everyone in the party and it was the whole thing and there was like 20 girls around him. There's dark rooms. Those are dark rooms. And you can go into, you can go to like briefly to do drugs and then go back out. But it's really for like for the

gays and the heteros too, I guess too to like quickly let's fuck. I imagine and I said this on Damon's episode that it's like Jamongi. What do you mean? Like like it's such a terrible rapist. No, it's not Jamongi. You remember Jamongi? Yeah, of course. But what do you, what do you I mean, it's like, the animals are like, like. Not what do you mean is Jumanji? What do you mean by the reference? Gehurti's a gamey player. Go watch Jumanji and like the animals are super primal in it.

And it's like, it's like a primal like. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It is what you like, I'm a little self-conscious dancing, you know. So Molly helps definitely some. And ketamine, whatever else they fucking give you. Some guys like, you want drugs? I'm like, yeah. He's like, here.

And I'm like, what is it? Let's just take it. But it's like, so he's like, okay, I don't know if I can fully do it. And then you see some just. Fat dude wearing only socks and shoes and just fucking jumping and you're like, oh, this is great. No one cares. No one cares what you do. No.

Is it like eyes wide shut? No, exactly. It's like eyes wide shut. He said it was interpreted. It's a classic affair you go. He said it's classy. Well, he says he has these guys that go and like they have to perform in front of everybody to get the party started.

But like imagine this as a man. There's 60 people watching you. It's going to be hard. That's going to be difficult. Is it really that hard? You guys are kind of pussies about it. No way. It can't be that hard.

Really? It's all on you to get the party started and stay. So much pressure. Really? Oh, my God. Forget. And then you just, as soon as you think about it, you're fucking done. The guys are in the back just like injecting because they have to get there.

I actually have a hot tip. They're like the hair that starts the race with the dog. Everyone's watching. You're so self-conscious. Yeah, you got to start. But no one's watching. 60 people are watching. No one's looking at your vainy penises.

I'm sorry to tell you guys. I hate to break the news. No one wants some plump. This is where women are a little bit naive though because you guys. you guys are the receiving end. You don't have to get it like... You can just sit there. You can do nothing.

If I was a guy and I was going to this party, I would take a Viagra and jack off before. It's not rocket science. It's not rocket science. You got to get it started. Yeah. Still, mentally, it's too... I have a hot tip.

I have a really good tip for guys, okay? It's not like a wedding speech where you can just like, I prepared for this. It's everything happens. You can prepare. Yeah. Smoke a cigar. Smoke a cigar.

Cigars make your testosterone go crazy. crazy. It feels like a pogo stick. You have to smoke a cigar. You thought you were coming for wellness. This is a long-stop. Smoke a cigar. This is a lot. Invite me to the barbecue. Am I invited yet? Do you know what's so wild about you? You say this with like the most authority as if you have a day. Tobacco makes you not get hard. No, I know my husband when he smokes a cigar. There's nothing like it. It's a different situation. He gets harder after cigars? It's wild. Well, because I'm, I get a moment. It's most likely because I get a moment to myself without having you yapping my ear. This is so nice.

Like, babe, it's an hour at least. Like, why do your cigars keep getting longer? I'm like, I know, right? Nothing you can do. See, in the street. My cigars are at that fucking table at this way. You're like, I got to get through this. Sorry.

We shut up. A cigar, though, does make it feel different. I'm telling you, I've done my research on this. You have not done any fucking research. After he has a cigar. So you have the cigar and then you go straight and you have sex and there's something in it that has testosterone, which is why Sly and Arnold, this is my theory.

I think crazy theory. I do think actually though that cigars have the potential to boost your testosterone a bit but mostly because I think you can just like tap into being a man.

Yeah. It's so cool. I'm smoking a cigar. You like cigars? You guys like cigars? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Great. Did you know? Don't you think he stinks after a cigar though? I don't care. I like the smell. I'm nice. It's kind of hot. Oh yeah.

I agree. I'm not a cigarette girl. Passing by someone's smoking a cigar even if you don't smoke or like it's a nice rich smell. It feels like manly. He always got good cigars. Bird has good cigars.

It always has nice cigars. It's manly. What's not manly, though, is a cigarette. Bombing on stage is not manly. A cigarette under your fingernail and someone trying to finger bang a girl. No thanks. The bait pens, I don't understand. No thanks.

When I first started dating him, he smoked cigarettes. And I was like, listen, you're going to stop smoking cigarettes or you're not going to finger bang me. Oh, yeah. Hey, one time I finger bang this chick. And we had sex too, but she got like a bad reality. She was like something's wrong. It's like hurting and I was like killed it. She's like, no, no, no, something's wrong. And then she was like, I'm bleeding. Like something's wrong. And I was like, oh, fuck. I was like, what disease do I have that I didn't know about? She went to the doctor and they're like, no, it's toxic. I was like, what were you doing? Which and we're like came straight from the subway. I was holding on the subway. I was holding on the subway. Oh, I thought to figure a tampon that was stuck inside her. Oh, I figured blasted after touching the fucking disgusting subway. Oh. And it just what your her pussy was like no. So many germs. Oh my God, if you go on the subway and you try to finger amy. That's worse than cigarettes.

Now I wash my hands when I come home. That's always wellness advice. You don't go on the subway. Thanks for that wellness. You got to have nice like tips. You got to tell the jalapeno poppers. Wash your hands before you finger bang it. You guys fucked with a jalapeno popper?

No, my buddy made a bunch of jalapeno poppers. You know where this is going. Yeah. It did not end up. And he ended up like they both ended up going to the hospital. Damn it. You can't finger bang after making hallopino popers. You can't piss.

If I've had that, I'll just like unzip and like shake it out of there and then piss like this and kind of shake it back in. Why? Because you can't touch a jalapeno? Your dick is not ready for it. Your fingers are ready for it. Your mouth is ready for it. Your eyes is not. You dick so, that's why I mean you got to like move up when you're stunning your your asshole. You know what though? What was this guy was wild. I mean like jalapeno poppers as like a pre-sex meal is a, that's a strange. Yeah, what a fucking how did that night go? It's a strange move. Nothing turns me on like Fridays. Who the fuck is making halalpineo poppers? Who the fuck is making their own jalapeno poppers?

That's a bar food only. Taylor, you've done so much worse. So for you to sit back there and judge like that and act like you're holier than now is hysterical. I'm not garbage. Remember, you guys all have the other thing that YouTube video. I'm telling you, I don't.

Actually, I do. I like jalapeno poppers. And that's something that I feel like you would make on a date, like no problem. I mean, there's so many stories to tell. How do you even do that? You got to get cheese in the evening. inside, wrap it and bake it. Stuff it. Yeah, that's not a food that you want to make. That's what

get you in the mood for finger blasting. You're in there fucking shoving this cheese right into this jalapeno and you're like, you think of what I'm thinking, babe. You just get in there and go. You know, another one that you got to be careful of is you never want to have sex and I didn't do this. I have a friend that did with a tampon in. Yeah. Well, no shit, Lauren. Yeah. That's not a, that's not a no shit. What a moment of the week. I think it comes on the box That's a wellness tip

I think that's pretty much known Right away What mom says Okay so you're gonna You're a woman Now you're bleeding Also by the way Don't fuck with this is

You know what Rere We have failed our audience today Comes here for wellness tips Probably a lot of girls That are like God damn it I didn't know that Yeah I met a porn star

And they used to like Be adjacent to the comedy scene So we'd all like talk And one guy who like ran a house Was like yeah this lady Her pussy stunk so bad You know where this is going to But it was like

She last had sex on her last period left in the whole fucking month of porn fuckings. I was just building up semen. With the tampon. With the tampon. And then that thing just, I don't know what new disease.

I think that's our COVID-staged. You know, after this, we're interviewing a Fox News correspondent. I'm going to have to really switch to hers. How do you guys do that? What a different show. I'm going to have to. That's someone he's going to get shit-faced for it.

Tell me about the war onogody shoe. That's the one where I'm going to... What's the finger blasting weird in the desert? Yeah. You're going to have to what? What does Rupert? Are you going to ask that? Rupert Gingrich.

Rupert Gingrich. You should just play like an idiot and just like, you ask the worst but thoughtful questions. Yeah, no, that's the one where maybe now actually, after all this, we should get shit-faced for it.

Can I ask an actual kind of wellnessy entrepreneur question? Sure. If someone's listening and they want to be a comic. You could be held liable for fucking, if Spum and Bad happens to anyone listens to anything you guys say on this

podcast. Really? Cut that out. Cut that out. Cut it out. Don't go. Don't go. They're like, what?

Don't fuck with tampons in? Oh my God. My life has changed now. Don't give me a fucking loss. What's the advice? Keep a cut out. The advice for someone who wants to be a comedian. What are the real tangible tips?

Because it's a lot of fucking work. It is. You got to get up on stage and bomb horribly for five, just three to seven years. Hey? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a fun road.

So it's a young person's game to start. So older people who want to get into it, it's like, you're not, you can't do this. Nobody's got into it older and like really crushed it. No. Nor has anyone really who was already famous who got into it crushed it because they're also not willing to eat shit. So if they were famous before from acting or something and then they were like, let me do comedy, it's like you're going to not be equipped to do this. Has there been any actor that's crossed over to comedy? There's always been comics that have crossed over to acting.

Almost, let me think. Who made that crossover? Some people have done some acting before, but not like an actor. you know Robin Williams comic before every comic that's ever come on here says it's just reps like you just have to keep doing it just do it a lot in bad rooms in bad environments but also like if you're a celebrity people like

let's have you in this great room you actually should be doing like really shitty open mics where nobody knows you like how often twice a night for for six nights six to seven nights a week for five years why do young new comics not make it outside of if they're not funny about like why do like what what burns them out the most It's a lot of failure.

At some point, you're like, I can't do this anymore. Three years in, your wife snagging, you're like, you have a master's degree. I need you to start making some money. And they're like, fuck. And then you start, this is never going to happen. It's really, yeah. How many years it take for you to like actually say, okay, I can make a living here? Make a living?

It was a good five, six. I started booking commercials. Yeah. In here. It was living west Hollywood. Commercial? They flew me to like Monument Valley. It was pretty cool, actually.

That's sick. Yeah, it was sick. My taxes on that were more than any paycheck. I've ever made. I taxed like $1,600 they took out. And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah, I made 40 grand. And then it was like game on.

And then it just momentum. Over a year. Yeah. And it was just game on. That's all I needed. Because I was living on like 13 grand before that. And how long ago was that? Like, what month is this now?

No, no, no. It was like 20 years ago. 20 years ago. But here in West Hollywood in like LA. Are you single? I'm always, listen, lady, I'm not going to fuck you regardless. So. please don't fuck my wife

that's the last thing that we need at the end of the podcast we also we give a bunch of terrible advice and then my wife got fucked dusties I'm putting it out in the ether are you single?

You know whatever no this is what it is he's not single he's seeing someone I can know this is a good podcast to come on like four I've gotten people married on this podcast A lot of the shows you do I'm not looking at your questions you're not looking at this one

A lot of chicks listen to this one. You're not looking. No. So you're dating someone. Fucking, wait twice. Relax, lady. Okay. Ari, I can't wait to be invited to the barbecue. You'll never be invited to a barbecue.

They'll be not as loose-lipped around you. You need to be a comic. Come on. I know, I'm sorry. We'll have another barbecue you guys come to it. I can take it. It's not that. I want to come to one of your shows, especially if we come back out to Austin.

Yeah. I heard that comedy. You guys live in Austin now? Yeah. I heard that that comedy mothership is like fucking. Oh yeah, come to one of those shows. We want to. That's a fun place to go.

Okay. That's a fun add out. There and the creek in the cave is also like a real casual. We've done none of this. Oh, what? No. You're an awesome's got a great comedy scene. No, we haven't done anything.

What do you do there? We just like, we kind of hide out there, but we need to get out. Hight worse. Sond your fucking assholes. I do son my assholes. Like a real awesome Texas. That's why Texas is gonna break off. They're gonna take away the right to sun your asshole.

Tex's like that was a last straw. Did you see the eclipse? That was it. That was it. So how do we come and see you? Tell us all your tour dates. Where can we find you? Pimp yourself out.

I'm done on tour now. I finish my tour. I'm going to be in Australia. I'm going right from here to Australia. I'm just here to break this like Australia trip. And then I'm done until next year. Yeah. So I've got a new podcast.

You'd be tripping. It's about travel. Oh, fucking wild fun stories in different places. Like what kind of podcast? Yeah. Tell us about. What do you interview people about? About their fun, crazy trips they've had in the past.

Do I get to be interviewed? If you've had something fun. I've had a lot of things. You can't just be, I son my asshole here. I sent my also out of veranda in Italy. I have fun. Okay. Let us think of one that we.

You had to have done stuff, gotten into some like, not trouble, but like had a bit of an adventure somewhere. It can't be like we went and had a great, like there was this beach rate. It was amazing. Oh yeah, I did some kayaking. That was cool, jet skis. I got to bring a really good trip. Yeah, like you get into something.

If you got arrested anywhere. We went on a bender somewhere. Yeah, we went on a bender. You met each other fucking on some trip. You know what would be a good trip to talk about Beijing. Beijing? That could be. No, I can't give you what it is.

I have to come on the podcast to tell you what it is. Beijing. Beijing ruled. I did so much blow in Beijing. It's the wild how much punishable by death drugs they do. Really? I would think there's not a lot of drugs there. I would think so, too.

The comedy scene there told me, first of all, they only care about the drugs that they're on. Okay. That the Asians will do, the Chinese will do. So the white, the opium, they're like, you can't bring this in. Fucking Coke, they're like, kill yourselves. It doesn't matter. We're not doing that.

Really? Yeah. So they just don't look for it. Weed, they don't even know what it smells like. You can smoke pot in front of a cop. And they're just like, they got a weird fucking cigarette on you. They don't even know what it smells like. They're like, that's a clove.

There's no training on it because it's not there. That's wild. It's so fun. That rice wine, I mean, this is, we don't have time. That rice wine out there, that shit. Did you drink that? All there. Whatever it's called.

Yeah, whatever it's called. It's the most drank alcohol in the world. That shit put me. Soji? No. It took me out. Soju? Soju?

Yeah. That took me out. It's also unregulated. So you're like, this one's a stronger can than the other one. I don't know. You got a lucky one. We could. Maybe we could come on the podcast and talk about Taylor's Cruise.

I didn't know where I was or who I wasn't out there. In Beijing? That's perfect. That's the kind of, that's what I want. I have many trips like that. This is a side tangent. I thought I called an Uber. I was on all this.

What's it called? Soju? No, you can't tell the whole snow. This is one part of the small story. Sorry part. We'll get back to it. And I called an Uber. And I thought I got in the Uber.

And I was in the back. and this guy was just screaming in my face, like, really aggressive. And I kept saying, like, go, go, because we can't communicate. Yeah. He was not the Uber driver, and he was not the Uber driver.

And he was like, you're like, I was just in the back of that car. You're thinking back, he's like, yes, the AC's fine. I was just go. He's like, get the fuck out of my car. She had enough. That's fun.

Ari, you're amazing. You're funny shit. Yeah, when I'm in Austin. I have a studio in Austin. I want to come, and whenever you're in Austin and you're doing anything, please. You still drink?

Let's go. Let's go booze tonight. He's like, do you drink? Because Gwetteth Paltrow doesn't drink. We drink on the right occasions. Yeah.

Yeah. We drink last night. I can drink with the boys. Okay. I can drink. Yeah, it's like go out. We'll come to a show and then we'll go off for a few.

Where do you guys go out? A lot of times we just stay at clubs at comedy clothes, but like I try to push my friends away from fucking 6th Street for sure. So where? There's some cool bars. Bars?

Yeah. Okay. We're in. That's a new one that just opened that West. I'm inviting myself. I'm coming. It sounds fun. In like the away part,

absolutely I want to see you throw up at a fucking club. I want to see the lie as it's being forged. I do do that too where you're like, you're like, oh, I feel a little sick and you just make yourself throw up. Yeah. And then you come back to the party. Yeah. And then you lie and say your phone got killed by the Austin humidity, but it was you

throwing up on it. What is up? I thought I shit myself the other day. I was on mushrooms at a bar. And then I was like, and I farted and I was like, damn, I shit myself. And then I went outside. Then I went to look to see how bad it was. And I was like, oh, it was just a fart.

But I made up a whole excuse. I'm like, I got a big podcast tomorrow. I got to like prepare. And then I came back in. Like, what happened to your thing? I'm like, oh, fuck. They canceled. So.

Well, now everyone knows that it was, it was, you crop dusted in the bar and you thought it was a show. Yeah. Ari, where can everyone find you, pimp yourself? Oh, you're one of a kind. Out Ari Shafir and everything. My podcast, you'd be tripping. It's branded it.

We're 12 episodes in. So I'm really having a lot of fun with it. I'll come on and talk wellness. Okay. Okay. Talk about foreign wellness. Thank you. You're a lot of fun.

This is great.