The Bossticks - SOLO: How To Spot Red Flags In Relationships, Business, & Friendships, & How Positive Solutions To Negative Interactions

Episode Date: December 4, 2023

#632: Today, Lauryn is sitting down solo to go over all things red flags. She delves into relationships, business, friendships, and everything in between. She gives tips on how to recognize a red flag and avoid specific situations. Lauryn also shares some of her green flags and how to navigate them. She dives into the connection between your self-worth and how you let people treat you, providing listeners with tips on how to recognize an unhealthy situation. To connect with Lauryn Evarts Bosstick click HERE To connect with Michael Bosstick click HERE Read More on The Skinny Confidential HERE To subscribe to our YouTube Page click HERE For Detailed Show Notes visit TSCPODCAST.COM To Call the Him & Her Hotline call: 1-833-SKINNYS (754-6697) This episode is brought to you by The Skinny Confidential. This episode is brought to you by Ring Concierge Ring Concierge is the leading luxury jeweler committed to designing for women, by women. Use code SKINNYRC20 and save 20% on any fine jewelry at ringconcierge.com This episode is brought to you by Caraway Caraway Home's non-toxic kitchen wares are all designed for the modern home and feature a chemical-free ceramic coating, so food can be prepared with peace of mind that no hard-to-pronounce compound will leach into your healthy ingredients. Visit Carawayhome.com/SKINNY10 or use code SKINNY10 at checkout to receive up to 20% off your next order. This episode is brought to you by Cymbiotika Cymbiotika is a health supplement company, designing sophisticated organic formulations that are scientifically proven to increase vitality and longevity by filling nutritional gaps that result from our modern day diet. Use code SKINNY at checkout to receive 20% off your purchase at cymbiotika.com This episode is brought to you by Branch Basics The Branch Basics Premium Starter Kit will provide you with everything you need to replace all of your toxic cleaning products in your home. It's really a no-brainer. Go to branchbasics.com and use code SKINNY for 15% off their starter kit and free shipping. This episode is brought to you Primally Pure Primally Pure has harnessed the power of natural ingredients in their complete line of non-toxic beauty products. Visit primallypure.com and use code SKINNY at checkout for 15% off your order. This episode is brought to you by Drizly Drizly is the go-to app for drink delivery. Download the Drizly app or go to Drizly.com. Produced by Dear Media

The following podcast is a dear media production. The Butterbrush has made its debut. The Skinny Confidential has launched Butterbrush. You guys, I don't even know where to begin with this. This is a dry brush on steroids. It is the creme de la creme of dry brushes. I have spent three years creating every little speck of this dry brush to be the most magical dry brush you have ever used. This is going to stimulate the limbatic system. You're going to use it

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And now Lauren Everts and Michael Bostic are bringing you alone for the Get ready for some major realness. Welcome to the skinny confidential, him and her. I have been wanting to do this episode for a long fucking time. We are going to go over some red flags. These are not just red flags in relationships. These are red flags in general. Some of these are super detailed and some of these are more broad.

And obviously, this is just my opinion. there's red flags in business, in relationships, and in friendships. And I think this episode sort of covers it all. It's also the Dear Media and Skinny Confidentials opinion, because I asked a bunch of the team members what their red flags were. I also asked my trainer. I asked Weston. I asked Michael. I collected some red flags. And then I put them through my blender. And I'm going to tell them to you today. And I'm going to go over each one in detail. I might need my protein macha and a sparkling water though before I get into it. The first red flag that I can't with is when someone has no capacity to take accountability.

So this could be someone that you know and every single time something goes wrong, they blame someone else. And not only do they blame someone else, they blame like 10 things. So instead of like looking inward and figuring out what they're doing in the equation, they're constantly just looking for everyone else to blame. Now, we've all done this. Like, I've done it. Michael's done it. Everyone's done this. But I think really trying actively to take accountability is a really cool different thing. If someone is constantly victimizing themselves, I find that to be very, very draining. So if you notice that in every single story that someone tells, they're the victim, to me, that's a red flag because they're not taking accountability for anything. I remember just like

something really awful happened to me when I was 18 years old. My mom passed away. And I remember having this moment and it was so clear and I remember where I was. And it was like I can use this to fuel me or I can be the victim. And I remember actively choosing to let the horrible tragic experience fuel me. And it is as simple as a decision. And I think if you can take accountability in small areas in your life, it's like a muscle. It gets better and better and better. So if you meet someone and all they're doing is complaining and victimizing themselves and never, ever looking inward and reflecting on themselves, that's a red flag. It's also a red flag when constantly someone's telling you that everything triggers them. That's not taking accountability. If something triggers me,

I look inward. I obviously don't do this perfect every single time, but I try to look inward. And I try to see how I'm contributing to the problem. So that's like my number one foundation red flag. Someone cannot take accountability. And I'm not just talking about in relationships. I'm talking about in business. I'm talking about a team. I'm talking about Taylor when he doesn't get us the assets on time for the podcast. I'm just talking about just taking accountability for your side of the street. There are so many times when I'll get frustrated, Katie, my assistant, she's sitting here, and then I'll like sit back and think for a second and I'm like, wait, this is my fault. Especially if you're leading a team, it's really important to be able to take accountability. And this

is something that I work at every single day. But if you're dating someone and they can never, ever, ever admit when they're wrong, like how exhausting. Everyone's wrong. So I think the accountability is really, really important. And it's a red flag if someone's not taking accountability. A huge red flag for me is what Gen Z would call love bombing. For me, it's when I meet someone. And I just get acquainted with them. And they send me 16 text messages or a huge email or maybe a text message with all these requests. And it's like, I just met you. I have this saying that I always say to Michael.

It's like, feel me up before you fuck me. I need to like make out before you feel me up. I need like for you, before you suck my tits. I need you to like French me. I like to be courted. and I like to court people. So when Michael first started dating me, it wouldn't have worked if he came on too strong.

I'm someone that when I'm getting to know a friend, I like to get to know them slowly. I don't want to know every single thing about you within five seconds of meeting you. And when someone texts me paragraphs and paragraphs and paragraphs, one, it shows that they don't respect my time, whether it's business, friendship, or a relationship. And two, it shows me that it's like, there's no courting.

I think it's like, give it a minute, give it a beat. Learn when to have an ask. I think getting to know someone is so underrated. It's like we don't need to hop in headfirst in every single encounter. I've really used that when it comes to even podcast guests. Like if I want someone on the podcast, I won't just like have an ask right away. I'll get to know them first and then maybe ask or I'll like their photo. Like I just feel like there's a way to slowly enter into a relationship.

I'll give you guys a specific example. If you meet someone at a party and the next day they're sending you six page texts, they're sending you all these memes. They're sending you all these links. Then they have an ask. Then they have an email. Then they want to draw. It's like it's too much at once.

So I would say with any encounter, it's really nice to spread it out. It feels really desperate energy vibes when you're just like projectile vomiting everything you need in that moment. And that's something that I have always talked about. I've even talked about this in the way that my husband courted me before we started dating. Like he gave me my space. In any relationship I have, I like my space and I respect other people's space. I'm someone who sometimes doesn't text back the second someone texts me. I sometimes take a minute. And I would, by the way, expect the same from someone else. I think we've lost the art of absence. And I think that it's a red flag when someone constantly needs to be present. To be honest, it's like a pest. It reminds me of a pest, like someone who's pestering you. So I guess the red flag take away. way is like if you're love bombed by someone, if someone's constantly texting you, they're constantly

calling you. Like I've had a friend probably like 10 years ago that would just call and call and call. They would call during the work hours. And I just think it's like important to read the room when it comes to how you are coming into someone's space. So if I was dating in 2003 and someone's was trying to court me, I would want them to show a little absence, give me a little space, take me out to dinner, get to know me. I don't want to, like, I don't want it all in one setting. And by the way, I think this also applies to content. So when I first launched the skinny confidential blog 13 years ago, I remember being super thoughtful about how much I shared it once. I don't think the audience needed to know every single thing about me right away.

It was like a very slow build. I knew I wanted to have longevity in the space. And to do that, it's like you don't need to tell every single thing about yourself in five minutes. You know what every girlie on the planet wants? Find jewelry. We just do. So go to ring concierge, guys. Ring concierge is the leading luxury jeweler committed to designs by women for everyone.

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Carson's smiling because he knows exactly what the Sunday texter is. Every single motherfucking guy that's listening right now knows about the Sunday textor. The Sunday texter is a guy specifically that will text you because they're hungover and they want, usually their dick sucked. This is a guy that literally never texts you. And then on Sunday, all of a sudden, you get this text message. Hey, what are you up to? They want you to come around because it's Sunday. The party's over.

They have the Sunday scleries. The next day is Monday. They want someone to come lounge around and watch Netflix with. And it's obvious. That is a huge red flag. when someone's only texting you on Sunday or they're only texting you at three in the morning, you're not a priority to them. So for me, if I was dating and someone's only texting me on Sunday, I'm blocking. Like, bye. I don't want to hang out with you if you only want to hang out with me

at 3 a.m. and on Sunday. And I think this goes back to like you valuing yourself and you knowing what you can bring to the table because each and every person listening can bring something unique to the table. And if you have the confidence and the ability to really value yourself, you aren't putting up with that. And that one is really easy to spot. We all know exactly what I'm talking about. It's someone who only comes around when they want something. By the way, this kind of gets me into my next red flag, which is an opportunist. It's like someone who only comes around when they need something. They only come around with an ask. It's always an ask ask ask, ask. It's never a give. This one is like very similar to the Sunday texter, but it's like

someone who just comes around when there's an opportunity. And even like going deeper into this one, I was a bartender for probably, I want to say like six years. The way that I was treated by some people, not by everyone, but by some people as a bartender was exponentially different than the way that I, that I am treated as a business owner. It just was. That's a fact. I think it's important to pay attention to how someone treats you at all stages in life. The way I look at it is if someone treated me like shit when I was a bartender and now they're like sucking asshole, I put it in a bucket. I'm like, okay, that's someone that I really just don't want to be good friends with because the only reason that they're being nice to me now is because I'm not bartending anymore. And they think that

they can get something from me. That to me is surface level person. It's not multifaceted. I think that you should try to treat everyone with respect and treat everyone equal. And Steph Schep said this on the episode that she came on. It's like, you never know what is going to transpire in someone's life. So just be nice and treat everyone with respect. Someone may be a bartender for six years. And then later they may be an entrepreneur. So it's just like a lot easier to treat everyone equal no matter what stage they're at in life because you never know. So that's someone that's a little bit of an opportunist. That definitely goes into the Sunday texter who's trying to get an opportunity to hang out with you because they're bored or having the Sunday scurries or they want to fuck you. The next red flag is someone that's

constantly bragging and talking about money and talking about everything they have and always bragging. Like, it's someone who's always telling you how great they are. To me, first of all, that screams insecurity. If you're on a date with a guy and all he does is talk about how much money he has, he needs to go read some books. I think, like, bringing other things to the table other than money. A lot of people have a lot of money. But, like, what else?

What are you reading? What are you doing? What are you working on? What are your hobbies? Like, I just think it's really low-hanging fruit to only talk about how much money you have. I noticed this mostly in men, which is interesting. It's like, I don't know if it's like a men thing, but or an ego thing. It's like sometimes they have to like put their dick on the table and like tell you how

much they're making or like what hotel they're staying at. It's exhausting. It's like, we got it. We get it. For me, when someone does that, I just like open my eyes wide and go, wow, yeah, cool. Like it's, I don't even know how to respond. It's like the guy that has to pick you up and, like, the guy that has to pick you up and, like, like the car and like drive the car fast. That's a red flag, by the way. Just a tangent. When Michael

picked me up for our first date, I gave him a test. He picked me up. I get in the car. I'm like, is he going to try to drive fast to impress me? Because I don't know if I can hook up with him. If he's going to try to drive fast. And he drove the speed limit. I was what. It was done. He sealed the deal. But it is. It's like, why do we have to drive the car fast to show off? It's just, It's very childlike, I think. It's very immature. So if someone's constantly talking about money, to me it's a little red flag-ish. Again, it's low-hanging fruit.

Okay, this one is obnoxious. Someone who's always on their phone to the point where they're dismissing you. There's this guy that we used to go out with all the time. He's a friend of Michael and I's. I love him. He's a great guy. But every single time I would go to dinner or dinner. drinks or vacation with him. He was on his phone. Listen, I work from my phone. I get it. I get having to be

on your phone. And I get that we all do it. But if you're constantly doing it, it feels like you're dismissing the person that you're with. And it feels like the phone is more important. I even notice this with my daughter, like, if she wants my attention and I'm on my phone, I really, really try to be present and put it down because it makes her feel like she's not the priority. I actually go out of my way when I go to dinner or drinks with anyone to put my phone away. I want it away in the handbag. If it's not work hours, I don't want it near me. I really try to be thoughtful of my relationship to my phone. I am not perfect at this at all. Maybe I'm like red flagging myself, but I think it's important to examine how you show up with your phone. And if you think about it, it doesn't make me feel good

when I'm with someone and they're constantly staring at their phone. It's just like, why am I here? This is a waste of time. What I would do is if this is you, I would just start by going to dinner and putting your phone away. And I will say I always take out my phone. I'll take a quick picture and then I'll put it away. So get your picture in. But if you're on a date with a guy or a girl and they're just scrolling through their phone, I don't know. I think it's giving red flag. So if they're doing it every single time too, like imagine if you're married to them and they're literally obsessed with their phone all the time. I think it's so hot when someone can get off their phone and like put it away, put it on airplane mode. Airplane mode is hot. It is. It's hot. It's hot. Like I will actively try to put

my phone on airplane mode once a day. My favorite is to do it at 7.30 at night. I put it on airplane mode. It's bad to be on Wi-Fi anyway because of all the EMF and put it in the other room and read a book. And then it's like, people are like, I don't know how people have time to read. How you have time to read is you put your phone on airplane mode. Airplane mode is a green flag. If a guy puts his phone on airplane mode, that's a Mary. Indecisiveness is a huge red flag. If you you are dating someone that can't make a decision, buy. They should know that they want to be with you. I mean, I think they should know. It's like, it's not a gray area. If someone's indecisive about wanting to take you on a date, buy. If someone's indecisive about doing a business deal with you,

buy. If someone's indecisive about being your friend, buy. The indecisiveness kills me because you know what you want to do. Someone else knows what they want to do. There should be no question. And if there's a question, it's like there's so many people in this world. And like I said in the beginning, you should have the strength and conviction and confidence that you don't want to be with someone that sort of doesn't know. Also, to me, indecisiveness is someone who wants to keep their options open. And it has a lot to do with ego. I don't know about you guys. But if I'm, I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone and they're indecisive about that decision from the beginning, that's a red flag. I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want to

100% be with me. The same goes with business. If you don't want to work with me next, like swipe. If you're feeling indecisiveness from anyone, move on to the next. By far, the best purchase that I have made in the last three years is branch basics. I am so passionate about what this brand is doing that I just won't shut the fuck up. If you want to change your house and your cleaning supplies to non-toxic, hypoallergenic, free of fragrance, hormone disruptors, and harmful preservatives, for yourself, for your baby, for your pet, this is the brand. It's clean, it's cost effective, and it's non-toxic. I recommend starting with the premium starter kit. This is going to give you all the bottles you need to replace all your toxic cleaning supplies. I don't use any other brand. This is the brand that I use

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Again, that's Code Skinny for 15% off plus free shipping when you purchase a starter kit. Also, what a good gift for the holidays. A lot of non-toxic talk. This episode, we're talking about red flags. We're also talking about products. And one of the products that I use that is non-toxic is the body butter trio. This is by primally pure. This is the product that I use to moisturize my skin on my body.

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the store. For those of you that don't know what Drisley is, it is an online delivery service that delivers alcohol straight to your door. They also have an app that you can go to for app delivery. You must be 21 and over. It's not available in all locations. But it's an incredible application if you're able to use it in your area. Like I said, I'm so done having to go to the store and pick out all these things and carry all these heavy bottles inside. I just get them straight to the door. If you're having a party also when you run out, this is a great way to re-up without having to have somebody step out and get in the car and take a whole hike. What I love about Drizley is it offers one of the widest selections of beer, wine, and spirits

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I always tell Michael, if Michael tried to put me back in the jack in the box, we would divorce. I don't want to be pushed back in the jack in the box. And what I mean by that is I see a lot of relationships where the woman wants to shine bright and the man wants to like put her back down. And that would be a problem for me. I'm attracted to a man who's quietly confident and comfortable with me shining. Because I shine, that doesn't take away from my husband. We can both shine. That to me is like a power couple. If you look at Victoria Beckham and David Beckham, you can tell, they both lift each other up. I don't want to be pushed back in the jack in the box. I don't want to be pushed in the corner because someone is uncomfortable with who I am.

And I think that if you are compromising and you're in a relationship and the person's constantly trying to tell you how to act, shut you up, tell you you're too much, tell you that you need to be realistic. Bye. I want someone that's like, pushing me to become my full potential. And if someone's going to stifle my personality and tell me that I'm too much, or I shouldn't do that because it makes me look blank, goodbye. Like, I don't have the capacity to compensate for your insecurity. And I think this also can happen in friendships. If you have a friend that's constantly uncomfortable with anything you do, they're constantly putting you down, I just feel like that's a waste of your energy thermometer.

Listen, I don't believe in going to friends and like telling them every single thing that's great. I mean, I think that there's like a way to read the room. I think it should be a volleying conversation. Like, you should listen to me. I should listen to you. I listen to you. You listen to me. I think there should be a level of comfort within the friendship where you're comfortable to talk about what's going on that's good. I have a girlfriend. I have a girlfriend. Gileon, every single time I tell her something that I'm working on, she's like so amazing and so supportive. And same with her. When she tells me things about her and what she's working on or her family, it's the same energy. And I think that if you're vibrating on a frequency where every single

time you say anything good and the friend is ripping you down, it's a waste of your time. And I don't know about you guys, but I really value my time. And so this is something that I think about a lot. I don't want to be in any relationship, business, a marriage, a boyfriend, a girlfriend, or a friendship where there's an underlying tone of jealousy. Again, it's boring. Negative words. This is like a personal red flag. And this is something that I talk with my own team about and I really try to constantly refine on my own, and that is the use of negative words. I talked about this in another episode, but if I'm constantly having a narrative in my head that says, I'll never make money, I'm so broke, I'm never going to be able to do that. I'm so fat. Oh my God. I'm so lazy.

That narrative is going to seep out in other areas. So I'm a fan of using positive words at all times, even when I'm talking to myself, the narrative in my head, if it turns negative, I try to take it to a positive route. And I apply this too with my team and I with emails. If you are emailing someone or text messaging someone and you start that conversation out with, unfortunately, I can tell you right now that that is going to change the tone of the future conversation. I would take the words unfortunately can't, won't, wouldn't, shouldn't out of your vocabulary. I literally will edit my emails in Texas to try to make sure that they are positive reinforcement, positive words. How can you take a negative and spin it into a positive?

That will change your entire conversation with whoever you're talking to. You can literally, it's almost like manipulating, and that's a negative word, but like manipulating the conversation to be positive as opposed to negative. And if you try to do this in every single interaction, it's really amazing because it starts to seep into the narrative that you tell yourself. The word, unfortunately, no. I also am someone who's like very solution oriented. I don't want to talk too much about the problem. What's the solution and how is it a positive solution? So a red flag is someone who's always saying, unfortunately, you can't do that. You shouldn't do that. I don't know. I'm going to give some like little slogans. I don't know. I don't know if it can be done. I don't think we should do that. Do you hear the way my tone is? It's just it's a drip. It's like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. I don't think so. Unfortunately, I don't think we're going to be able to do it. It just is, it's like buzzkill. So if you're around someone that's constantly a close,

cloud of gray. Personally, I try to remove myself from those interactions, but also make sure that you're not bringing any gray. And even when it's with an email, make it as positive as possible because everyone wants to work with people who are positive and uplifting. And even when it's like sort of a negative situation, how can you take the negative situation and turn it into something that's positive? Katie said, I got to talk about dot, dot, dot. I got to talk about dot, dot, dot. We need to burn dot dot dot dot down. Dot dot dot is like, okay, dot, dot, dot, dot, or whatever you think. Dot, dot, dot, dot.

I don't know, dot, dot, dot, dot. I mean, Jesus Christ, that is negative, negative, negative, negative. I can't with the dot, dot, dot, dot. Let's just get rid of it. That's a red. The dot dot dot dot dot is three red flags. A compelling person has strength and warmth. And I think that if you can remember that in every interaction that you have, that that will give

you green flags. So the strength is when someone says they're going to do something and they do it. And the warmth is sort of disarming. It makes you feel good when you're around them. And I think if someone has weakness, like sort of they're weak and they have a coolness about them, those are red flags. So how I would end this is I would say, maybe make a list of your red flags and try to be green flags.

Like try to show up in every area in your life as a green flag. I think when you do that and you bring that energy of green flags and you're reading the room and you're being positive and you're bringing good energy and you're doing what you said you were going to do and you're showing up and you're warm, you are going to drown out all the negative red flags. Now, like I said in the beginning, I don't do all of this perfect. These are just ones that I have noticed. I obviously have 600 more so we can do another episode. But I all, I feel like we should flip this. And the next time we talk about flags, it should be green flags. What are all the green flags? Like, let's just look for the positive. I would love to know if you

guys want to add to the green flag or the red flag list. Let me know on my latest post at Lauren Bostic. I love doing solo episodes and I'm always open to your suggestions. Next time I do a red flag podcast too, I'll do like super, super small red flags, like little ones, like little detailed ones. I hope you guys love this episode. And remember you can watch the whole thing on YouTube. Be sure to check out our latest launch for the Skinny Confidential butterbrush. It is so good. Go to shop skinny confidential.com while supplies last.