The Boyscast with Ryan Long - Aging Into an Old Jamaican Man, Ryan Reynolds & the INSANE M*th Subreddit  w/ Sam Tallent

Episode Date: February 28, 2025

Stand up Comedian Sam Tallent joins the boys in Vancouver to discuss Musk’s Jim Carrey-centric DMs, going to Jazz clubs, and Travel hacks for people who don’t like traveling. SUPPORT OUR SPONSORS! True Classic - Go to https://trueclassic.com/boyscast for big savings! Factor - Go to https://factormeals.com/factorpodcast and use the code FACTORPODCAST for 50% off your first box + free shipping Bilt - Go to https://joinbilt.com to start earning points on rent you already pay Mando - Go to https://shopmando.com and use code BOYSCAST to get 40% off SUPPORT THE BOYS PATREON.COM/THEBOYSCAST  RYAN ON TOUR: Tacoma: Feb 27-March 1, LA: March 30, Irvine: March 21, San Jose: March 22/23, Tampa: March 28/29, Salt Lake City: April 11/12, Denver: April 13, Atlanta: April 25/26 ryanlongcomedy.com dannycomedy.com SUPPORT THE BOYSCAST:  https://www.patreon.com/theboyscast http://ryanlongcomedy.com Ryan @ryanlongcomedy   Chapters: 0:00 - Intro 0:54 - The goo in Antarctica 4:31 - Baldoni 6:15 - Musk’s DMs 11:50 - Canada Rocks 20:30 - Ride or die 26:35 - Hindsight 27:41 - Writing 29:49 - AD - True Classic - Go to https://trueclassic.com/boyscast for big savings! 31:34 - AD - Factor - Go to https://factormeals.com/factorpodcast and use the code FACTORPODCAST for 50% off your first box + free shipping 33:33 - Managers 38:15 - Travel hack for people that don’t like traveling 40:52 - Jazz 44:42 - Best old race to be 48:30 - 2 shirts become one 54:00 - Dicks last resort / Travel 1:01:35 - AD - Bilt - Go to https://joinbilt.com/BOYSCAST to start earning points on your rent 1:03:07 - AD - Mando - Go to https://shopmando.com and use code BOYSCAST to get 40% off 1:05:43 - Man on the street 1:11:32 - Drugs 1:21:15 - Meth Reddit

The boys, the boys cast. The lads, the boys cast. The dudes, prepare yourselves for the boys cast. The bros, the boys cast. The homies, the boys cast. The dudes, experience the boys cast. The boys cast. We are here with the great Sam Tallent

Well continue Danny says the Arctic is going to be the number one The Arctic yeah That's number one on your draft board You said the Arctic Buy in now folks I select the Arctic first overall Arctic goes crazy

Arctic's mom is crying Arctic made it Real quick on this Antarctica thing yeah the end Danny was giving us a bunch of nuanced points on geopolitical policy which I was grateful for but in Antarctica I was hanging out with this lady who would go down there and she would like work she was like a maritime captain and I was like give me the goss in Antarctica sure she was like I'm gonna tell you something we're not allowed to talk about this and I was like, I'm going to tell you something. We're not allowed to talk about this. And I was like, okay. So she's like, in Antarctica. It's customary to suck dicks.

Yeah, yeah. I'm like, okay. I'm going to stamp my passport. No, so there's this goo. This purple goo is coming out of a glacier in Antarctica. And it's a very new goo. And everyone's scientists, all the biggest, greatest minds in the world, they're sending their scientists down there.

Is it possibly that it was just flubber? So hold on. Purple flubber. Have you seen Ghostbusters 2? So there's this goo and like no one knows what the fuck it is. And now all the minds in the world are trying to like, they're all like secretly working on identifying this goo that's like the blood of the earth. What? Yeah, what is right?

That's what I said. You're making the flat earthers go fucking insane right now well look if it's a glacier though the goo has to come out of it it's not seeping up well i'm just saying because the flat earthers their whole thing is you're because they go the edge of the world right the ice shield and the ice wall or whatever but like because you're legally not allowed to go to antarctica as like a person and so they're like why can't you go like why is every country like can't you go there like why is every country agreed can't you go there

that's what they want to know Ryan Ryan's just asking questions everybody it's actually not that unreasonable to be like so there's like this continent that we can't go to there's only seven of them yeah there's seven continents one you were expressly forbidden I mean imagine your chick having one room in the house that just don't worry about what's going

on in there why do you have a second phone don't worry about what's going on in there. Why do you have a second phone? Don't worry about why I have a second phone. The reason is because if you go in that room, you find out that everything is a lie, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The wool's been over your eyes forever.

And it's your own because you're a sheep. A video of your birth certificate being forged. You're like, am I? You're cracking out of a pot. You're covered in goo. It's the same goo from the glacier yeah you're living in the truman show at that point uh-huh yeah yeah you see all the cameras i might be kind of relieved if my wife had her own room in the house it had like a lock on it i'd be like i'm glad you have something going on anytime you bring you go

isn't this sounds like it's more of a your room situation i get the garage you have the secret room where my paintball gun supposed to be you have paintball guns in there sounds like a good deal yeah yeah i'd like that i just like know she had hobbies like her own life you know separate of our marriage yeah yeah that is a that is a nice thing plus you can go hide there oh you need somewhere to hide yeah she needs a bailout box yeah yeah because i get crazy she needs a safe room in her own house uh and i'm kidding that's an insane thing to say we were saying that yesterday where it was just like i was sort of like casually being like it was like a guy that beat his wife and something yeah i was like it would

be fucking crazy to like be like imagine just beating your wife and all the dudes there were like, all right, take it easy, Justin Baldoni. Like I was like, you know what boys? Yeah.

Just one in the stomach. She crumpled. You know what I'm against? Beating your wife. I'll be brave. I'll say it. Guys, I know,

you know, Ryan's taking a stand right here. Don't say the thing that nobody's willing to say. No one else wants to say it I'll stand up oh yeah

I'll die on this island yeah don't hit your wives do you know Archie was deep in the Baldoni business he's got the yarn out and everything the Blake Lively

Baldoni drama oh yeah yeah I'm unversed yeah I don't really have any new hot info I hate it

I don't care yeah Danny doesn't seem to okay we'll move on we don't have to well there is info I hate it I don't care Yeah Danny doesn't seem to Okay we'll move on We don't have to Well there is one Probably the Okay the only interesting thing That he told me

That I feel like Is crazy Is That when they were doing Sex scenes Instead of having An intimacy coordinator Which is what people do

When Reynolds was out of town She goes Why don't you come over to my house And we'll practice the sex scene Can you fucking imagine Your wife's an actor And you're out of town you're like what are you doing just practicing acting which part the sex scene i don't know that's crazy practicing getting air tight honey don't worry yeah yeah yeah anyways okay we don't you don't need to go into fucking girl gossip immediately amen no we've been getting too deep into girl gossip lately in the podcast

i'm guessing your demographics love gossip about girls know what it is it's the conspiracy stuff overlaps that's what we've been sure talking about but was that a reference to gossip girl no no okay cuz I see my dad's favorite shows in Blake lovely in the show no but we do have one piece of gossip if we are if we have to let's break it live on the pond elon musk baby oh yeah yeah no because the the chat the chats got leaked today he's responded with a jim carrey gif yeah from ace ventura what he responded with an all righty she goes i'm pregnant he goes all right yeah imagine being married to an eccentric billionaire who's running america secretly and that's his way

of communicating is fucking ace ventura clips not even the video link just like the gif yeah yeah and it's all it's all those it's like literally she's like i think i'm pregnant so you're saying there's a chance all right all right are all your responses just jim carrey memes various ones do you have videos of you fucking other girls do not go in there you must be the monopoly guy that's so funny yeah i have it right here you're right yeah. Yeah, she sent a big, huge message. Oh, she said already. She sent already.

Oh, she said it. No, no, no. So he writes the big thing, I think. Or I don't know. Who's blue in that? She sent blue. You know what? I still can never.

I text all. I have an iPhone. I text every day, all day. And then when screenshots leak, I go, who's blue and who's not blue? Hold on. Let's not jump to conclusions. There's like these certain things where my brain just could never just like make that final link. And I go, which one's blue?

This is his sex game. He goes, well, we have a lot of army of kids to make. But he sort of had a Tinder swindler thing. I only have one more, but he sort of has a Tinder swindler. You know, have you ever watched the Tinder swindler? He's like, my enemies are after me. He goes, I've got credible death threats. I'm number two for assassination after trump wake up this is not i'd love to text a woman wake up do you ever sincerely

do you ever think like him and trump are trying to like one up each other on who's the most likely to be assassinated like he's just for sure trump's like i'm number one he goes i might be number one i don't know trump's like i'm number one come on i mean it's better to tell a girl where she's like why can't you publicly announce that we have a kid? You're like, you have any idea? I'm about to be killed tomorrow. Yeah.

I gave you $20 million. What else do you need from me? Egypt has a billion on my head. I can't come to dinner with your friends. I'm sorry. I mean, I go roller skating with the girls from work. It is funny. This chick literally just thought, yeah, he knocked me up.

Works at the White House. He's all over the place launching rockets. But he'll come around and we'll be together. And you're like, yeah, he knocked me up, works at the White House, is all over the place, the launch of rockets, but he'll come around and we'll be together and you're like, I don't think so. He's still going to pick the kids up from soccer.

Yeah, he's just going to be like a real good dad. You're like, he's not a good dad for, Grimes was like on Twitter the other day and he was like, Elon, our child's having a- So you're telling me this isn't good gossip? What are you going to do?

What are you going to do? Our child's having a medical emergency. Please get a hold of me. Our kid was born with two heads. We need some help over here. The best was, I told Ryan, someone responded, and they're like, have you tried Grok 3? Okay, so he says, this is not the time for sentiment

at the expense of safety. If I make a mistake on security, our kid will never know the father. And then she was like, well, that's why. He doesn't have your last name and she goes necessary for now only the paranoid survive

I like this sort of energy this is you know definitely ex-girlfriend yeah he's sitting in the world's most expensive gamer chair like a split keyboard like only the

what was it what's the final quote only the paranoid survive only the paranoid survive yeah he has like a fucking balls guarana sip that comes down. I don't care for him.

Yeah, why can't we... You know, it's crazy to be in 2025 and there's like an evil billionaire pulling the puppet strings of your country. Yeah, and he was like... I go back and forth on him hourly and daily. Yeah, he was literally like... I mean, he's like cool, kind of.

Every now and then, I'm like, that's cool. And then every now and then, you're just like, this is the worst guy of all time yeah yeah he's unchecked he's definitely unchecked hey man

if he had 300 if he had 300 billion dollars that would be you wouldn't know my name and there's one okay last but yeah yeah well

I'd be in Antarctica I always say that because you know they say like he's the world's richest man and you're like the world's top 10 richest men are not on a fucking list

oh yeah they don't have birth certificates yeah yeah they're like they're not on any list like he's not the richest man in the world's richest man you're like the world's top 10 richest men are not on a fucking list oh yeah they don't have birth certificates yeah yeah they're like they're not on any list like he's not the richest man in the world yeah the richest is jerry seinfeld isn't it right yeah number one the threat level will reach insane levels loose lip sync ships oh yeah she's like hey let's leave my pussy out of this all right hey oh yeah he faces himself a bit of a cold war spy yeah i mean it's yeah you're literally being like uh loose links lip sync ships if you like if you tell anyone about this kid basically i'm dead and the country's done and then she like you're gonna ruin the country's day oh yeah on val that's how you that was the tell in hindsight of like

that you go oh she really just thought like this is gonna be a relationship and then it's just like no i'm just like spreading my seed making clones of myself because on valentine's day she's like put out this whole thing yeah yeah you can tell she kind of had a little meltdown a little valentine's day god bless didn't show up at least she got duped by him yeah you know there's a guy out there that got duped by jeff new westminster bus station who did that to somebody who just like lives at the bus station and he did that and you don't get anything for that oh actually fuck comic i don't i don't know if this he wants me to say he texted me comic who you definitely know and we know was roommates with

her first baby daddy so she has another kid with another guy okay and uh he went to he's roommates with the con he was roommates in college with a comic and we're saying for that guy like that guy is gonna be his presence to the kids are not gonna be you know i mean imagine you had a kid with a girl and she all her other baby dad is fucking elon musk and you're like oh where are you taking us you're like i was thinking denny's yeah we're going to space new dad's taking us to the moon oh fuck these indoor soccer tickets aren't gonna pay off can you do a blind item reveal of who this comedian is like a gossip columnist oh i guess we could just like a certain chubby funster italian it's chris scopo but we're just okay yeah i don't care hey do you guys know chris chris lock comedian yeah he's hilarious what the fuck that guy's so funny it's crazy it's crazy

how funny he is god man he had to rocks i feel like that like was very like the toronto scene yeah when i first started was like like him and fucking n Nathan Fielder used to make some of the funniest like sketches yeah that nonsense rap the nonsense rap yeah yeah the late great Nemeroff

turned me on to him oh yeah you know Nick Nemeroff I loved Nick yeah yeah there's I felt like Toronto was like a really hub for kind of like

alt com like cool alt comedy for like a while when I started not embarrassing alt comedy no yeah you know they have that

they have a comedy college there oh we're well aware yeah clown college they're donating they're dedicating a wing to me a chicken wing huh samtalent.com i've been doing that joke a lot it's not hitting yeah yeah that was uh that was a weird college because people would go there i remember like when we were doing comedy and people would go there i remember like when we were doing comedy and people would go there yeah people like didn't do comedy you're like you're going to this college like this is the ultimate like i don't know what i want to do with my life i need to go fuck off for three years and just waste 50 grand oh for sure or whatever because you're like it didn't prepare you for comedy because the only thing to really prepare you for comedy is doing

comedy and that's the one thing you really hit well that's like the one thing you really didn't do it kind of goes deeper than that though because it was like they would give people honorary degrees and then be like look who went here i see yeah it was even yeah you're like oh that guy went to college for comedy i should do it and you're like i mean he did yeah red red green went here you know know Red Green? Come on. I got two eyes and a soul. Yeah, Red Green dominated public access to public broadcasting in America. He was like the late night slot. He was a late night.

Interesting. If they don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, because he was early. He's from my hometown, actually. Really? He's the pride of Burlington, Ontario.

There we go. That's kind of a scandal that he's from the suburbs. Yeah, yeah. I don't even know what his real name is. Edit that out. We've got to save the sanctity of Red Green. That was like a big thing.

I actually feel like that's kind of like, dude, he's, I would assume. You're thinking of Les Stroud, Ryan. I mean, Red Green, you'd suspect that guy's from population 14. Nah. Oh, Ryan's finding out that actors are like fucking. They're just like, oh. Don't tell me Larry the Cable Guy is fake too. Ryan's finding out that The Undertaker is not actually an undertaker.

Does Larry the Cable Guy even have cables? The Bushwhackers were from Australia. Yeah, what? What was he on, like NPR? No, we had PBS, Public Broadcast System. I didn't know that. I've heard some... Where'd you grow up?

Rural Colorado, Eastern Colorado. Rural Colorado, yeah. system i didn't know that i've heard some i heard some where'd you grow up uh rural colorado eastern rural colorado yeah because i've heard some people from like border like kind of like minnesota being like they saw it because they would just get it like because you get kind of i mean we were like prairie maybe yeah yeah but i didn't realize that he he was like he made it all down here oh he was cool yeah he's funny nice yeah i never liked that show i mean that was my favorite show I was 10 and not like imagine being 8 years old and you have 3 channels right and you're like

this guy's wearing overalls hell I wear overalls I mean every episode it was kind of the super Dave of yeah it was like a Canadian super Dave

it was like every episode he was just like something broke and I fix it with duct tape basically man my wife's a real bitch about it the wife's nagging yeah did you ever get a hilarious

house of frightenstein no see that no i haven't seen this made-up show you just came up with i really think you'd like it hilarious house of frankenstein frightenstein frightenstein yeah i like the name it was this like kid show from like the 70s and 80s but it was like it's it's really cool no yeah you'd like it this is really weird fucking show where this guy played like every character basically uh-huh uh and like they shot it over i think they shot it over like a course of like a month like every episode but it's weird it was a show that played like it was a kid's show but i only saw it it would play at like 2 a.m okay and for like my whole you thought it was like a fever dream i thought it was literally and it was one of those things it was back in like

when you would watch a show and there was no like display dream I thought it was literally and it was one of those things because it was back in like when you would watch a show and there was no like display to show what the show was so it was one of those shows of my childhood where I go I don't know what this is

like I don't know what the show is called I can never find it and then when it got popular for like hipster bars to start playing like you know

at the bar which is like kitschy crap kitschy crap exactly and then I remember seeing it and I go oh what is this like I'm like I know the show but what's like a crap exactly and then i remember seeing it i go oh what is this like i'm like i know the show what's this called right when i was like 30. so and someone was like oh it's hilarious house of freidenstein and you were like yo gabba gabba

is one of those too where oh yeah that uh i feel like like i know so many parents that are like you don't know how funny this show is and there's the guy from the aquabats i always thought that was cool dude the aquabats the fury of that album travis Dude, the Aquabats, the Fury of, that album. Travis Barker, original Aquabat. Yes. Definitive for a young Sam talent. Oh, really? On loop, dude. Yeah, they're hilarious.

I can still sing along to every fucking song on that album, dude. Mm-hmm. It's so weird the shit that your brain makes space for as you get older. I know. And it's like, I don't know anyone's birthday. Yeah. But if fucking Fury of the Aquabats comes on, you can put on a random track. I can sing it from start to finish. Yeah. You know what i've been having lately that i've seen in terms of like my

brain losing where it's like all if i'm like writing a joke i'll start like you know kind of learn a lot about the thing sure to kind of get my perspective and then i'll have like a joke that has a pretty strong take and someone will like you know like argue with it and i'm like i know that i think that i forgot why i'm like i i did all the stuff you forgot the sources i'm like yeah it's like i know my opinions but i'm like i forget the sources right yeah and i'm like i'm living in a castle made of sand people there was a lot of facts behind this at one point yeah check my tabs look at my tabs yeah and i've kind of been thinking that. I'm just like, or like someone,

you're just like, I kind of, I don't know, that guy's kind of weird. And you're like, why? And you're like, there's something.

Yeah, yeah. Didn't he like rape somebody? Like, no, no. Dude, we were- That's always a safe bet. Yeah, it's probably rape. We were going through yesterday with our buddy. We were talking about

Vancouver Comics because we're like reminiscing about the old scene. Yeah. And we're kind of like, what's happened to this guy? What happened to this guy? And everyone was like, oh, he got me too. Did you never see him again?

What about this guy? You're like, yeah, he kind of caught me too. And it was like five guys. I was literally like, I was like, yeah, this guy got me too by this girl. And he goes, this guy? I go, no, not that guy. Same girl, though.

Same girl. Same girl. She hit a bad luck run of luck. Yeah, yeah. Dude, this like the vancouver scene specifically lost legitimately a quarter of their comics no no to me too sexual assaults well there were some of them were spurious but it was uh speak on that yeah yeah who's lying yeah yeah well we we even like we had a woman with us it was and she was like yeah some of

this is pretty crazy like it was such a wild time. I don't know what it was like in the States. Probably similar. But Canada, it was honestly maybe a two-month period, probably aligning with the Harvey Weinstein thing. I think that's when it really peaked. And there were some ones where you're like, yeah, I don't know about that.

And then I think, honestly, in hindsight, even the people would be like, yeah, I got carried away here. There was no criminality. Just to give specifics to the type of stuff he's talking about. It was like one guy went to the girl's house, they smoked weed and then she said

she started feeling sick and went to the, and then she went and then she goes, I want you to leave because I'm feeling sick and he left and then the next day

he said he drugged me. And the guy was like, I didn't even like, no, it wasn't even the next day. It was like, she's like two years ago, he drove me home

from like an open mic and yeah, we smoked a joint and then i was like i'm feeling weird can you leave he's like sure and he was like this super autistic guy yeah like like and you know we throw that around in comedy like sure sure this is like legit yeah and uh and then he's just like okay i'll leave and he left and she's like i locked the door door. And then I realized now that two years ago, he drugged me with the intent of raping me. Yeah, he wanted to turn my microwave into an alarm clock. Right, yeah, yeah. But he had a TV show that was about to come out. Oh, no.

Canceled. I know. I had a couple of days on it. I was going to make three grand back when three grand was real fucking money, too. So I'm the real victim of this scenario. Sorry that happened to you. Where's your fucking parade? They don't talk about

the collateral damage. They don't, man. Yeah, but again. He just walked away into the ocean, man. Never to be seen again. It was like pretty hot and up and coming comic

and just like that happened. Yeah, he had so much juice. It was crazy. You just walked in the ocean. Just fucking never came back. Well, he probably loved like whales and stuff if he's autistic.

There you go, yeah. He's with his people now let's live with the dolphins riding the trains he's a hobo he's a hobo just riding the trains what he really loves yeah i remember when all that shit was going on and my wife like sat me down and she's like look things are going well for you you do anything fucked up in the past and i was like what and she's like you know what did she say i'm riding or dying with you yeah well she was like just let me know i need to get ahead of it i love you but no no she's like okay good to know that you're chill yeah she's like you were on the road since you were 18 though there weren't any whoopsies i was like no she's like listen sometimes they're asking for it you're like what is this they're loose i know all right you're just a man big dog's gotta eat all right yeah

yeah no i was like no honey also i know you get hungry you think that might have happened and yet you propose to me i'm sharing my life with you she's like look i know i know what you like baby you take what you need that's what man does And you're a man, aren't you? Slap me. Spit in my mouth. Yeah. Like, I'm pretty sure I did, and you're like, hey, listen, I'll bury the body. Uh-huh. Oh, she's 10.

She's a doctor, too. So she's, like, very early on, she was like, look, if anything does ever bad happens, like, I've sawed up, like, people. You know, like, corpses and stuff. Yeah. She's, like, very, very capable. I'll tell you what. Do doctors saw up corpses like people, you know, like corpses and stuff. Yeah. She's like very, very capable. I'll tell you what. Do doctors saw up corpses?

So when you, when you're, this one does. Yeah. Yeah. Depends on how bad, how much of a bad boy he's been. She wasn't in med school yet.

Yeah. Got a bit of a duffel bag somehow. You do anatomy lab. Oh, right. So like you do have to like learn how to like separate. You have to like look at the bones and the fascia and the muscle and the, the nervous system's the big one.

They had to like flay a corpse to like show the nerves and that big one was like the penis yeah there was like a penis flaying that she did and she like stepped up she's like this is for me and like everyone else was like okay psycho yeah seriously cut up the drifter's penis yeah that that is like an underrated thing about being a doctor is that you have to just be willing to see some great if you want to know the actual logistics behind it if you're looking for the actual technical jargon necro or necro dead body disposal what to do with your foes are killed yeah yeah yeah you need to know that's that's the technical yeah right yeah yeah if you have any foes you need disposed of sure call dr t

call dr she'll get you if you're if your girl ever starts comedy that's gonna bother you and she will never do that loops to the top the nurses i got a fucking inside wind that the nurse community all you know there's like nine nurse comics yeah yeah printing money oh for sure same with like the substitute teacher comic is doing the theater in every fucking town. Yeah, no, it's bizarre. Someone told me the actual amount of money. And I was just like, what the? Like having a shtick is back.

Dude, there's like dudes in America who are like, I'm the voice of central Wisconsin. And I only do shows in like northern America. But I make 75k a night yeah and then sell all my merch which is all tax-free sure yeah it's insane what it used to be like minorities did that and then they would do their shows and make a bunch of money and we had no idea that that was going on yeah you'd be like who's this guy and you're like every mexican guy in the world is here oh wow they're doing how many rodeo arenas okay good for them we're not our demos aren't competing uh but yeah now the fucking hyper specific like this is my job and here's an hour about it yeah

and then everyone with that job comes yeah or like the there's like the spread or like the powerpoint comedians and stuff oh my god yeah yeah like they're i think they do pretty good like well i mean if you want like the cream of the crop of corporate gigs, if you're the PowerPoint comic, like, you get to probably do every, like, Christmas party at just, like, every bank and fucking Fortune 500 company. You're totally clean. Everybody loves a good PowerPoint presentation there.

Sure. Get the money. Yeah. Save it. We tried to go to Seinfeld sunday but uh we got denied why i don't know they saw your tape and jerry's like hey you're a little dirty buddy danny but hit the nail on the head he was just like oh yeah you think the biggest israel comic in the world i was giving away free tickets big comp guy you think there's 100 150 dollar tickets big comp guy with this fucking dollar he goes 10

off best i can do oh my god zero comps at the sign on the festival yeah on the festival booked build headliner two sold out theaters can't get a fucking comp i thought he's staying true to his roots he's not having it dude no dude you guys should have had him on the pod i know yeah huge well he's still still we would have been leaving you know great i mean he shows tomorrow night i'm pretty sure his jet lands an hour before showtime and leaves an hour after i'll be coming via submarine yeah yeah yeah yeah he's coming nuclear sub uh-huh yeah i had to drive across because I forgot my passport. Yeah?

I have an enhanced license because I live in Michigan. Okay. So I had to fly to Seattle and then drive up. They let you in without a passport? With an enhanced license. If you live on a border state in America, you can get a license

that allows you to go into Canada or Mexico. Okay. Why'd you forget your passport? Because I'm a total spaz. So you were just on tour and you realized I don't have it. I will. That stinks.

My wife's dumbest friend was supposed to mail it. I tour and you realized I don't have it. I, well, that stinks. My wife's dumbest friend was supposed to mail it. I was supposed to say that I think she swallowed it. Yeah. God bless her. She doesn't know where the sun goes at night.

But yeah, so she like put it in the mail and it didn't arrive. Stinks. So now my passport's somewhere. Oh, that's even worse. Hey,

what are you going to do? Not secretly freak out about it. It's not going to be all you think about. Yeah. No, no big deal. I didn't know that you definitely can't do that the other secretly freak out about it it's not gonna be all you think about you know yeah no no big deal i didn't know that you get in you definitely can't do that the other way there's no enhanced anything for canadians to go to that's interesting you think we'd be eager to allow you guys access uh no they don't i know it's so stupid yeah i don't know why i mean i know multiple people that stayed a couple days too long and they're banned from the country no way for 10

years yeah they don't dick around here. Yeah, that one day. That one day over 90. That sucks. The other thing I was sort of thinking about on hanging out with some of the old Vancouver comics, I was kind of like, you know, you're a busy guy. You're touring

crazy or whatever and podcasting, doing your videos, which was awesome, by the way. Thank you. That was a great special. It was one of the real specials where you felt like you're there. I wanted it to just be like a thing you can put on with your buddies and pass a bomb around and be like, this is funny. Thank you.

When you were young, it was like, I feel like that five to ten years, or probably five to seven years where it was the only thing you had to worry about, but you'd be like, man, it would be so much easier when you can get in all the good clubs and everything's working and then you realize then you're like no you it's so much easier to do comedy then when you're like the only thing on your mind is my jokes tonight right yeah it was like you it's all you'll never realize it when you have it you know i mean it's nice to sell tickets but it also sucks when you get that hey here's your ticket counts on wednesday and you're like oh fuck the late show friday needs some help and it's like i never worried about this no i went i got my meager guarantee people weren't going to see me they were just going to see big c comedy

night at like the bar and it's like if you could trick those people into liking you with no assumptions or knowledge of who you are you were like okay it's going to be easier when they're out there to see me yeah but now they're there to see you and they fucking want you to be good and they drag their buddies along and you're like oh oh my God, it's just, it's. And you've been dealing with all sorts of other shit on top of the jokes. But it is, it is just like such a funny thing where you're just like, you kind of, it's such an easy thing in younger. Like, oh, that guy with more stuff.

It'd be so easier. Like, you're like, man, it would be nice to be Chappelle and just walk over or Bilber or whatever. And then you're like, no, that guy is like his it's probably such a chore to just be like let me clear a day yeah i think 100 let me clear day to think yeah yeah to be a man be a husband be a father like all that stuff seems it's just fucking falls by the wayside now i was kind of jealous when i said like you writing a book yeah like to me that's lately i've been like when i'm working on one thing for like three days i'm just like oh this is such like a luxury it's like this is what it's about yeah so i was kind of like that must was that cool just be

like i'm three months or whatever it is where you're just like just this is my brain you know i mean yeah it was great but i was in vegas my wife was in med school and it was like i had no i had no friends i couldn't go outside it was so hot yeah like i left denver where i was like a figurehead and i had all these friends we just dick around all day and play grab ass and get high and then like move to vegas and my wife's gone all day so yeah i was just like trapped in a house and i wrote a book it's kind of peaceful because nice yeah it's probably like the idea i love being locked in yeah that's what it is yeah locked into a task daily i need a thousand words or i can't quit writing you know like does that make it simple yeah yeah and my wife

she's a writer she we're i'm engaged right now my next book's due by july 1st to random house so i have to have it done or that money goes away i like the money you know so like uh where i'm it's called programming where i'm just like i wake up she has coffee made i go up to my room i write all day i'll check in occasionally if she's home but like my phones i do not disturb you can't get a hold of me it's awesome i love it dude yeah yeah it's i guess that ryan holiday thing was like what do you want your days to actually look like yeah yeah and sometimes i nail it mostly i don't but hey i mean when i said that i sat down i said what do i want my days to look like i said mostly like on a plane i'd like there to be some problems i'd like to lose a bag something like that sure sure and then i'm getting there so it's

like i'm kind of you know you get your dreams come true i mean i met with my managers in town for that festival because a bunch of our clients are here yeah she came over and i had lunch with her before this jesus christ you guys have managers no manager i've had two and i fired them i don't know i don't know what's going on i don't know i literally fired him like a girlfriend i was just like oh yeah i don't know i was like yeah obviously this is not working out and he's kind of like no we have like a lot of stuff coming down the pipeline and i was like i literally dude i literally said i was like i'm surprised you're like saying i'm surprised your response is not like yeah yeah yeah that's what i thought was gonna happen today but no it was a very

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slash factorpodcast. That's code Factorpodcast to get 50% off your first box plus free shipping that is code factor podcast at factor meals.com slash factor podcast you get 50 off plus free shipping on your first box i actually had a thing i got asked to do uh like a hosting like this big thing like when like an award show that's like televised and stuff like that recently was it porno uh yeah no no no but and the as soon as it happened like i was kind of like oh that'd be cool and within two minutes i was just like i've never felt more stressed in my life yeah yeah they're

just like wait why don't you just feel like i'm like wait i don't i can just say no right they're like this should be your dream yeah what i got to stand up i didn't want to host. I got the stand up. I didn't want to host the ESPYs. What are you fucking talking about? You got enough things to do, yeah. Yeah, yeah. I got into this because I didn't want to do shit for anyone else. And now I'm doing all this shit for everyone else. It sucks.

And then you just realize, you're like, oh, I don't have to. But you're also like, oh, yeah, all my dreams came true. So who am I going to complain to about this at all? My wife's like, oh, yeah, that's tough. How much money did you bring in? I'm like, more than I could ever imagine. She's okay yeah yeah you're going to dayton honey all right yeah no i talked myself out of it by being like you're also bad at hosting yeah yeah for the record i miss hosting i loved hosting really yeah like oh my god yeah i think it's because i was an offensive

lineman so it's like i'm used to like taking the bullet yeah you know like i'm not gonna get any shine you get the touchdown i'll go up there and eat the mud. But yeah, this guy last time was complaining about hosting. And I was like, this is good. You have no response. No one thinks you're going to be good. You go out there, you're good. It's awesome.

It's a big victory. Well, Canada is different. I don't know why. But Canada, for whatever reason, the host is generally the better comic than the feature here. So the host headlines? The host, there's some clubs here where the host is generally the better comic than the feature here. So the host, like, headlines? Like, the host, like, there's some clubs here where, like, yeah, the host,

not that the host headlines, but the host will be, like, sometimes, like, little clubs where, like, like in Ottawa and Toronto where, like, the host will do one week as a host and then headline the next week. I did know that you guys, like, valued the host more. It is weird, yeah,

because, like, in the States, it's literally just anybody with a fucking whoever's available. It's like you want to go up there and get stabbed in the stomach for seven minutes? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We need the worst person available.

Yeah, yeah. The guy who wasn't booked ever. For whatever reason in Canada, I never got why. They put a premium on the host more so than the feature. I mean, it's good. The host is very important.

Absolutely. It's like a good show. If it's just a random show, it's like who fucking cares? Yeah. Go up there and suck it, bitch. Yeah yeah but you're traveling like crazy too me yeah i feel like and you do the travel show dude i i was actually uh talking about this the other day where i'm just like i i'm because he liked food and traveling too and i'm like i'm jealous of that

where someone will be like you know look at this the ninth one of the world they go spend there's like a triangle of bricks like i can't get into it right what am i missing i don't know i like cities so like i have no aspirations so you're not trying to go see the stuff i'm not trying to ride a fucking yak you know no i don't want to ride a yak you do though no i'm not a yak guy oh this guy's got a gambling problem last night we left the party at 3 a.m we started walking back he goes yeah i'll catch up with you guys casino by himself for three hours what's your game craps craps craps is a real masculine thing yeah i honestly just got into it like very recently i saw some video and i go oh that looks fun and it made sense and

then and well i dude i like for my whole life i'll go to casino and i'd look at the craps table and be like i have no clue what's going on here and you're worried that you're gonna bum everyone out but well i just literally i'm like i don't clue what's going on here and you're worried that you're gonna bum everyone out but well i just literally i'm like i don't know what's going on here and then i just like randomly saw some like youtube video and they go oh this looks pretty fun are you pressing a lot uh a little bit press yeah you press a little bit yeah it presses the key and then you take them down and yeah i lost like 400 bucks that's okay it's canadian money yeah it's canadian money it literally is i took an uber and it was funny money i took an uber and then it's like i paid on my card and then it uh i don't know and then you know you get like the notification

yeah on your phone it was like six dollars i know it was a ten dollar uber and then it was six dollars and like it's crazy i got a hundred t-shirts printed in north vancouver for eleven hundred dollars canadian and i was like well you know it's a rush fee i get it it's not bad and then i looked at the math and i was like what these are free t-shirts i could give these away yeah yeah myself if i sell 20 of these for 30 i've made my entire nut back yeah how's that work you guys have a strong economy right uh yeah it's all right i guess i don't know i sort of try to keep the dollar low well here well here maybe because proximity to china so it's probably the

red menace the red menace yeah yeah it's probably like a little cheaper just because like anything imported has to travel not as far yeah that'd be but i mean still someone has to print them so they were american apparel shirts too which in the states we're really getting bogged down in merch stuff yeah but those shirts are expensive but those cars those well those aren't even made here those are made in la right i know so those aren't even made here. Those are made in LA, right? I know. So they had to import them. So those are imported and then- But they're cheaper here than they were down there. That's weird.

That doesn't make any sense. Do you want to know more about unit pricing on merch? Sure. SamTalent.com. So what's the travel hack for people who don't like traveling? Well, I love traveling, but I do love going to a city and getting like a nice cup of coffee in the morning. You like doing normal stuff, like going out for food with people and like-

I like to wake up. I like to get a cup of coffee. And then I like to just walk in a direction in a city. Yeah, me too. You know what I mean? I'm exactly the same. Exploring. Yeah, I'm exploring. Yeah, me too.

I'm a flaneur as our Canadian listeners know. Yeah. Yeah, I like to just walk around. But like I don't want to go out to the fucking jungle. No, no, no. I'm afraid to go to places where you have to ride a moped. Yeah. Because I'm so huge.

Yeah, I did that. I didn't like that. Yeah, it's like you're not a slight no i'm not a slight fellow and like doing the moped thing like i was in uh southeast asia where the mopeds are tax mandatory yeah no but they're like if you go to smaller places like that's a taxi so then you literally are like i'm not gonna have your hands around the waist of like a 90 pound tie man as you're on the back of his scooter. Or sometimes if you're really adventurous, you sit the other way and there's a handle

and they drive you back. Oh, I thought you straddled him. No. Like a baby. Baby style. Just swaddles. You're hanging off the back. Yeah, you hang off the back if you really and then just expecting. They never crash. It's crazy because they never crash it's it's crazy because

they never crashed but i worry about my confidence on that vehicle yeah you know like my giant enormous weight is gonna throw them off at a turn but dude you go you legitimately go there like i'm sure you've maybe like seen a photo of it online like you go there and like someone is has like there's like two a family on a scooter and a full-size fridge. And they're just holding it with a rope. They have a house on there. Yeah, like a whole house. It's crazy. They are very industrious people.

So that precludes me from going to Vietnam for now. Yeah, sure. But it's like, I love all the cities of the world. I love people. I don't know. I like seeing how other people live. I do too. I like observing them in their real small moments.

Like the parts that you don't see on the Welcome to Paris tourist pamphlet. Totally. I like going to the fish market at 6 a.m. and just seeing people out there fucking hanging up tuna. Walking by a bakery when you can smell that shit. I just like the romance of the world. I like flowers. I like the light hitting a building.

I like walking by a building in the morning and then walking by at night and seeing how the light changes on the glass on the building. I like walking by a building in the morning and then walking by at night and seeing how the light changes on the glass on the building. I like sitting by a river and drinking some nice wine. See, this time, that's actually more up my alley. You're just chilling,

but you're doing it in public. That's why I go to jazz, though. And literally, one of the main things to do is jazz. Yeah. And it's really that you're just like, this feels cool. Dude.

It's like romance. Motherfucker, you couldn't be more right. I just went to a jazz club in Detroit for for the first time ever yeah and like with like my family and my wife's family you know people of all different colors and creeds i've never felt so cool right i was wearing a bolo tie i didn't feel self-conscious you know i'm just sitting there like watching dudes yeah jazz is tight dude yeah yeah a lot of rocks how about that yeah yeah yeah it's it's awesome i i because like my dad loves like Zappa and shit. And I was like,

I'm not like well versed in jazz, but I'm watching this jazz band and I'm like, Oh, this is just like the same scales and shit that my dad was playing in the house. Yeah. Yeah. And it's kind of got that.

And also the music, right? Not the Utah basketball franchise. Oh, you were talking about fuck. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, the Utah, yeah. Quit smiling. Squiggy do something so you go to jazz a lot yeah probably once a month yeah it's cool and it has this comedy vibe where like it's kind of like being at the cell or something where like a guy will come in for 10 minutes and you and then you you could tell you're like you can low-key see the

respect they're showing him you're like oh this is like a legend like you know there's all these and it's got that thing where in comedy but there's other things sports probably a little bit where you very there's not that many things where you have like really eclectic groups of people together right yeah whereas comedies you know like the black comics and the white scene and then the nerdy white guys and the kind of bros it's they all sort of you know come together yeah and then in this there's very much like nerdy kind of like uh university jazz guys with like old like black guys and then the young black church players like the drummers were all like church guys yeah yeah and then the alcoholic like old white guy that plays guitar like sure it's a good interesting

cool like mix of people that would be not friends like all these guys are oh ari's always going to jazz well the ari though like there's this place on Avenue B. Yeah. What's that place called? I've been to that place. No, no, no. The one that Ari takes you to? Yes.

I used to live right by it. It's like an alphabet city kind of? Yeah, it's like 14th and B. I can't remember. Mona's. Mona's. Oh, yeah. We went to Mona's. Yeah, we went to Mona's.

And they have this, I think Mondays is bluegrass. It's just like an open bluegrass jam, and then Tuesdays is jazz. But the bluegrass, not so much. I prefer the bluegrass, but's just like an open bluegrass jam and then tuesdays is jazz but like the bluegrass not so much i i prefer the bluegrass but the jazz night is like you just have all these people dropping in and you're like yeah this guy like went to probably like juilliard or something yeah it's just like a world class like whatever whatever he's playing he's just doing a spot he's just like he's just yeah the guy's like i don't want to be a professional musician i want that life yeah but i want to perform sometimes and these people are like incredible yeah i always find it funny with the jazz stuff like that like we'll go to

somewhere and i'll be like oh that i don't like this band that's not good or whatever and then the people will be like well you know let's not go there again you hated it i was like no no i like to do that yeah that's the thing i like to do i'm a hater i like hey yeah i like to come here and pretend i know what i'm talking about dude is fun? It's like going to a bad movie. Yeah, or it's like when they pour you wine and you're like, oh, robust. It's like, I'm not going to send it back ever. I'm afraid. Yeah, I know.

That's embarrassing. I don't even know what I'm tasting for. I just go, oh, wow. Yeah, yeah. It could taste like vinegar. I'd be like, I think this is what this is meant to taste like. The terroir, I could taste the terroir. We were banging yesterday at the sushi place because it's the best sushi on the coast, I think this is what this is meant to taste like. The terroir, I could taste the terroir. We were banging yesterday at the sushi place

because it's the best sushi on the coast, I guess. And they had the flames on the plate and everything. We brought out a little pot that was just on fire. Oh, yeah. I don't know if we were supposed to eat it or anything. You ate the pot? No, it was almost like a teacup. And then it was on fire.

And then, I don't know if it's just decoration. Ryan was stressed out about it, so he blew it out. It was like sake or something? Oh, it was a chocolate. No, no, no. It wasn't a drink. It was just like food. We got sushi.

And then one of just like the garnishes beside the ginger was just this little cup on fire. Huh. Yeah. Flaming garnish. Flaming garnish, yeah. It's a lot, yeah. I love the Japanese. Actually, you could answer this question.

Weird. Or maybe we were supposed to roast the fish on there. I don't know. Either way, I knew it was 100% going gonna light me on fire within the next five minutes this is trouble but we're saying as an old guy so like 70 it started with japanese because cool japanese guy and we're saying what do you think the oldest the best old race to be is because we're saying japanese is pretty cool tai chi in the park like if you really do it right you still have a bit of long hair going on you can got japanese is pretty solid yeah it's hard to argue with japanese man you know who i like black guy is solid like old black guy with the

horseshoe afro sure you know he's all the way bald right here and he still lets this grow yeah big belt buckle big belt buckle a lot of of denim. He's just like denim overcoat, denim jeans. Gold trim. Yeah, sure, a little bit of accoutrement. Some alligators. I'm living in Detroit, so I'm seeing all these old, cool black guys. Detroit is a hub for old black guys. I wish I could play pool with you guys.

And sip a beer for like three hours. I like the ones that dress like they're 14. Full matching tracksuit. A Flava Flav style. yeah that's what i like the ones that dress like they're 14 full full matching like you know tracksuit a flavor flame yeah like the flame style yeah there's not that model of old black guy in detroit so much a lot of them in new york no you got old head they didn't switch to skinny clothes yeah no no they're still classy and grown you can find bars in detroit that advertise classy and grown no they don't yeah they do yeah yeah yeah so like i've been to a couple of those places and that's fun funny kind of like a motown if you're like not wearing five rings on both hands that's what they mean yeah yeah yeah classy and grown you're like dress up

you're like what does that mean you're like a lot of necklaces it's dudes who want to wear cartier sunglasses indoors like sip cognac and get halved like every fortnight you know like they're gonna get sucked eventually yeah they're just kind of lurking yeah desperate for it yeah there's no reek of desperation in these old places a japanese black was cool we probably put white then then we said worst is old indian man we said that we put that as the worst one to be no because i whenever i see an old indian man i'm like what knowledge do you have you know sure in community, but bad toupees. Yeah, but that's bold. That's cool.

That's him being like, I'm not going softly into that night. Well, if you become a meditation yoga guy, that's an avenue. I don't like the orange dress guys. That's not who I'm talking about. I'm talking about the very stoic Indian man you see at the head of a table in an Indian documentary at the wedding. The guy who paid for the whole thing. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just like surveying like his kingdom and what he's provided i like that guy i like the i like the blinged out indians but they don't have a lot of dress options like what is that what is that you know what are the the clothing entail for that guy

i don't know but i know that usually it's the you know i like the orange big phone case i like the dyed orange beard guys those guys rule yeah and I don't think those are dyed, bro. I think it is dyed. What? I think Eritrea on the east coast of Africa. I thought it was a dye thing. I don't think so, dude. Because-

They're like orange all over. I thought, no, because they have like some, really? I think that, I know the model you're talking about. Yeah, yeah. I think that that's right off the fucking floor. Yeah. Interesting, because it's like a... Almost like sunlight red.

Yeah, yeah. It has like a gray. When you eat marinara sauce, and then your mouth gets stained, it's that orange. Yeah, yeah. Have you seen guys with red beards? You've never seen this? Orange beard.

Orange, it's like an orange red. I thought it was a dye. I thought they dyed it. I thought it was a dye. I thought they dyed it. I thought it was some sort of cultural. Well, they have that cool thing where they think it's holly or holy

where they have the dust festival. It's all the different colored chalks. Yeah, all the chalks and stuff. Right. This has to be dyed. I don't think it's dyed, bro. It's like orangutan hair. Well, let's...

Easy. The hair. Cut that one out. The hair. No, I thought it was dyed. I could be wrong. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I know that there's one of those dudes.

Because I thought it was some religious thing where they dye. I think they're Bangladeshi. This isn't dyed hair. I don't think it's dyed. Come on. Yeah. Look at the side of his head. It's not really red on the hair.

No, it is a little red on the side. Look, your facial hair is different than your head hair. How does it become red? Probably years of breeding. Yeah. Eric, judge EBT that. Is this... Yeah, I thought it was like...

That guy looks cool. You don't want to be like... This guy looks like he's about to start a gender studies class. Sure. Now that I show that to you, Ryan, you'll see this all over New York. Yeah, that's the guy. These guys are everywhere. I don't notice things because I've never seen any of this shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was in Rome last year I had a team of those guys Special make me a shirt Out of two shirts Really Yeah And they swarmed And they put it together

In like three hours And charged me God knows how much A shirt out of two shirts Yeah because I went to this place And they had like cool shirts But none of them fit me So I was like can you

And they were like What the Oh Asia would be a nightmare That's so fucking funny Yeah it was great Asian guys had to make t-shirts and they swarmed

and then I saw them conspiring in Bengal or whatever and I was like hey you know the checkbook's open boys yeah yeah just nine guys

just fucking having a shirt together it's probably 30 bucks I mean it was it was a lot of euro but I think it probably cost 12 dollars like the labor

that they put in right what do you got Squiggy it's a it's a orange dye that comes from the henna plant it's dye it's henna it probably cost $12. Yeah. The labor that they put in. Right. What do you got, Squiggy? It's an orange dye that comes from the henna plant. It's dye? It's henna. Yeah.

That's crazy. I think that's not dye. I thought it was not dye my whole life. I mean, it's a great color, though. Yeah, it's cool. I like that color. But he's doing his hair, too?

Yeah, they do. But it was like, you could see pieces of their hair kind of sticking through. That's what it was for me. Yeah. I was just like. Well.

Unless they're albino or something, you know. And even then they give white hair. So I take back my own comment. I think that old Russian guy would probably be pretty bad. Just like life like destroyed by vodka. Russian guy. I've seen a lot of those. They get the big root. The bulbous.

Yeah, yeah. And the ears. Well, old Jewish guy because the ears and nose never stops growing. I think old Jewish guy is a fun one to be too. Yeah, but lot of those. They get the big root of the nose. The bulbous, yeah, yeah, and the ears. Well, old Jewish guy, because the ears and nose never stopped growing. I think old Jewish guy's a fun one to be, too. Yeah, but some of them have- Old Jewish guy's not bad. It's not bad, but some of them have the aggressive- You get to complain, and it's like, of course.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, but the nose and ears, they never stop growing. I know they never stop growing on anybody, but it seems like old Jewish guys. I think it's more that they were just starting pretty big to begin with. Yeah, you're really crazy. Well, they had to be listening for all that. Only the paranoid survive. Right. Only the paranoid survive.

This is evolution of that. Russian, I could see both models because I see the boozer nose. I have a Russian guy in my family who has the crazy boozer nose. I know a guy who got the boozer nose and he was like completely normal probably till 50 then just like it felt like overnight it just fucking sprouted like a plant yeah my grandfather didn't have the nose but my grandfather had like in my opinion the best uh best like gut which is like the super firm the hard gut the hard man gut well a skinny body but like from a straight boot like beer gut i guess like the sandbag gut it's like firm it's like you're

like this is like is this just one a giant ab you're like this is like firm firm but it's just like a huge gut but right it's like all miller like beef jerky this was all 40 years this was just like all vodka and cured fish. Yeah. Yeah, because he was an old Russian guy, but it was like so firm. I like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a stretch mark on it.

No, no, no. No stretch marks ever on them. It's just like super taut. It's like Albanian steel. Yeah, yeah, it makes no sense. You're like, because this is fat. It proves science wrong. Yeah, literally you go, this is is fat and fat is naturally soft dude there's nothing soft about this no no

yeah well it just it's like your body had to save that so you could survive the balkan winters yeah i guess it's so like yeah that the booze my family has some my mom's side definitely some skinny guys tiny twig arms, big gut. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a tough one. It's rough, yeah. That guy with his shirt off at the pool, that's a bad look.

Because he can't cannonball, but he's still fat. Yes, and even the good, because Grushin's a good one to pick, because even the good Russian, where you're just like, you know, like stoic, like nothing bothers me, like kind of mean, you know, it's like, you're like kind of cool, but it still sucks to be. Right, yeah, it's tough to carry that around. You don't want to live in that mech know it's like you're like kind of cool but it still sucks to be

right yeah it's tough to carry that around you don't want to live in that mech suit right you're like wait old Jamaican guy

old Jamaican guy old Jamaican guy huge that's a cool one that's probably what I was talking about one dreadlock all over your body

yeah just head to toe one piece of hair smoking weed constantly drinking red stripe like the guy at well charged

remember that? He goes, seven days without beef patties makes one week. You can say that, and everyone's like, thank you. Wisdom. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, Pat from Pat's Caribbean on Queen Street. Yeah, sure. That dude was, you ever go to Toronto?

You've been to Toronto, right? I've been to Toronto, yes. There was this fucking, I think it closed recently, but there was this roti place like Caribbean roti place on Queen Street it was legendary

and the dude the whole deal was the dude was such an asshole like real like soup Nazi vibes but like he was actually nice

but he just was kind of an asshole but like it was just understood this was like part of the experience but the food was so fucking good it was the best jerk chicken in probably Toronto. The Krabby Joe situation?

Yeah. Yeah, Krabby Joe. Who's Krabby Joe? It was this place, this shitty chain. Is that Canadian? Yeah, yeah. It was called Krabby Joe's

and the waiters were Krabby. Joe's Krab Shack was in the States. No, this is not Krabby because they served Krab Krabby because they're grumpy waiters. Oh, so it was rude. I don't even think they're waiters. Yeah, it's like their shtick.

I don't even think they're waiters. I might have made this up but in my mind they were grumpy like dick's last resort we have dick's last resort yeah i went to a dick's last resort one time with a bunch of friends and this like young woman comes up and she's like hey jerks do you guys want i bet you want some water her heart's not in it yeah and it was like you just wanted her to be like, I really need this job. Hey, dickheads. Here's your slop, pigs. I'm so. This isn't me.

This isn't me. Yeah. It's like she just wasn't in it. It was so much fun. No tip. Waiter was pleasant. Yeah. Yeah.

Waiter didn't make me eat off of a dish on the ground like a dog. No money. Yeah. I've never been to a dick slash resort. Is there another one, too? There's like a competing one it's crazy this country is like I love this country

because you're like it has the space for not only a Dick's Last Resort where they treat you like shit but then like someone's like oh that's a good business model competing cranky restaurants

competing restaurant where the waiter treats you like shit and there's like enough demand in this country for two different chains to survive

I've never been in my mind Crabby Joe's was that but I think I might have just no Crabby Joe's was just it was like I don't even know if it exists anymore in this country for two different chains to survive. I've never been, in my mind, Krabby Joe's was that, but I think I might have just made that up. No, Krabby Joe's was just, it was like a, I don't even know

if it exists anymore, but it was a Canadian chain that was just like, the guy was just like, the logo was just a grumpy guy. Yeah, yeah. There's like a bunch

of restaurants in like American inner cities where they like, some food writer will go there and they're like, it's great. You know,

you get a hot dog and they call you a dumb bitch it's just the time of your life you really feel the beat of the street beneath your feet you know this is Chicago and it's like it's just people just a bunch of old black women who like don't want to be there yeah so you go to that place the call centers yeah it's not charming and old world it's just like I guess I am a fucking yeah it's like I guess my tits are visible. Pete Wells is like, they called me a honky. I loved it. Yeah, exactly.

Invigorating. I mean, that is the kind of the wisdom of like roadie places and Jamaican places. If you're like, if they're like, how's it going today? You're like, you know what? I'm actually good. You want that person to be like, what do you want? Who do you actually want?

If they just point to a menu that was written in chalk that's what you want yeah yeah chalk menu it's like everyone's like Parisians are so mean and it's like

yeah they're the best at living let them be mean to you sure like let them fucking I didn't even find them I've been in Paris a few times I never found them over leave

I haven't either but there's this rumor of them being like over it it's like well yeah you walk in and you're like hey there little lady can I get a croissant

can I get an Americano please yeah yeah can I get a cappuccino apparently they're all walk in and you're like hey there little lady can i get a croissant can i get an americano please yeah yeah uh-huh can i get a cap and she apparently they're all they're like pretentious isn't that the stereotype yeah i guess but you don't find that to be true although apparently in canada now because of the trade war that you can't everybody's changing americanos to canadianos stop yeah it's pretty embarrassing i feel like all the stuff that canada's doing for the trade war comes across as kind of corny. Oh, it's super corny. There is that little brother aspect of it. It's like, oh, hell, we'll get your ass. I just think Canada should focus on how good it is and quit comparing themselves to us.

Because I come up here and it's a completely different place. There's a whole different way of life. The architecture is different. The food's of a higher quality. It's like, I don't know why you guys want to compare yourselves to us at all. I mean, we force that upon you. Yeah. The problem is that we have no like super distinct culture. So we essentially like in terms of like entertainment and whatnot, like it all like our, the industry

kind of died a bit. So now we don't really produce much. Yeah. But I guess in comedy, like you guys have given us, the slower pace does annoy me when i come back like i was i felt like this in australia too where i was just like in america they really take their time down there oh my right oh yeah dude it was and i've had it a bit here too but there's this there's this attitude that's more prevalent in prime america where you're just kind of like you're like i need this to happen you're like yeah we can make we'll figure it out you know what i I mean? Where it's like, dude, like yesterday, I was just like, okay, by the way, I have merch.

It was like, the guy looked like his, let me call the union chief. Let's see if we can do this. He goes into his office, you hear a single gunshot blast. Dude, the guy was like, it was like every little thing. And I was just like, okay, well, I literally said to the guy, I was like, okay, well, now that we got that sorted, brace yourself

because we have a guest spot. You ever see the Mr. Show sketch, the change for a dollar? Yes. It's that. It's literally like change, change, change, change, change, change, and like calling 50 people to see if you can get change for a dollar. So that, there's like little things like that where you're just like every little thing of like, it kind of reminds me a little bit of like, if you're going, if you've been on

vacation with your wife and like something small is becoming too big of a deal, like how are we going to get to that place? And you're like, Oh, I mean, we'll have to get, you're like,

yeah, I don't know. We'll find, I promise you, this isn't gonna be that big of a deal. Everything has that energy where it's like the littlest thing is kind of, Oh, I mean,

okay. Uh, I guess, could you, do you mind sending an email? Do we have a meeting about it? And you're like, we're going to need this on paper before.

It's like, so that. We're going to need a chain. Those, that little like aspect of it for me, especially like always like kind of drives me nuts. Australia has it times, it's a hot version of the, add the heat to that, right? Oh yeah. No, Australia is like, like you get a flat white,

you try and get a coffee and you're there for eight minutes and you're like, what if a flat white, you try and get a coffee, and you're there for eight minutes. And you're like, what if I had anything else to do? What if there wasn't just some drifter here who had to be on stage in 12 hours? Not in a hurry. Yeah, yeah. No, it's strange. And it's just like they have that lackadaisical thing.

Yeah. That's like, have you ever been to Spain? Oh, yeah. In Spain, you go there, you go, does anybody work here? Does one person have a- So you guys all have six hours off in the middle of every day? Yeah, yeah. And you go, and go there you go does anybody work here does one person have they all have six hours off in the middle of every day yeah yeah and you go and you all eat dinner at midnight yeah like with your families it's crazy how late they eat there i like a late meal but if you go to a restaurant in spain before 10 they're like all right yeah yeah oh hey dude you go they just took a nap twice right for sure you literally go to like in barcelona like you go

for dinner at midnight and it's people there with like whole family like kids grandma kids everyone's there you know a six-year-old who's like should definitely be sleeping and also that meal is gonna last three hours yeah three-hour meal like and they just everything's just like long and drawn i mean it's great the food there's amazing being in a hurry in europe is like makes me very self-conscious of being an american yeah it's like you don't want to have a meal that lasts over two hours because you want to go see more of it sure this is why you're here yeah this is why you're here octopus and you're like no i'm doing it and then i have no more there's more things we got to do yeah we have an itinerary it was cool because tokyo is like whatever you need it's there 24 hours a day and then they expect you to get the

fuck out that because that's the other side of it and i was feeling that i was like oh everything moves super quick at the sushi place and you're like yeah because they want you to be here for 14 minutes yeah we literally like it almost felt like they had our food already prepared the speed at which you can't this isn't anyone you act restaurant like packed restaurant you go this doesn't even make sense there's no lingering over a meal in tokyo it's like yeah you're just like eat your noodles and then productivity culture a guy in australia that like it was like a dude like you like the complete normal guy actually probably more bro-y like like a more of like a bro-y like probably was in a frat type dude and he was and then we i was hanging out with him for like three days and then we went to some bar and a bunch of gay

guys came up and they were like oh what's up and up? And then he kissed the guy on the lips. And I was like, I was like, what was that all about? And he was like, oh, yeah, like I'm straight. I got a girlfriend. But like every now and then I'll like, you know, like have sex with a guy or whatever. And he's like, oh, yeah, it's like more normal here. And I was like, what the fuck? Yeah.

It's like, I guess that European attitudes got down to Australia. But this guy was like a, you know, probably into rugby and shit. And he's like, yeah, you know, every now and then I blow a dude. And I was like, what? Are you gay? And he's like, I was like, you know probably into rugby and shit and he's like yeah you know every now and then i blow a dude and i was like what are you gay and he's like i was like what the hell is going on yeah guys get great what a great life yeah sure you know it's like yeah i got more for you but yeah get sucked would it be great if we could end this podcast and just blow each other that guy's living the life if you can enjoy it yes you're right you've got it figured out i guess a little bit i also love when you think you have a guy completely figured out,

and then he loves jazz, you know? You have an assumption of who Ryan Long is, and then you're like, oh, you love to go to jazz? That's great. Sure. Boys, this is a VSA. For anyone out there who is renting, if you haven't heard of Built,

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Smell fresher. Stay drier. Boost your confidence from head to toe with Mando. Dude, you're a man on the street video I told you I saw you at Skank Fest my little brother turned me on to you okay you know what I mean and he was like dude this guy's so funny and then I was like oh man on the street okay but you were able to do it without being obnoxious while also being hyper obnoxious like you're doing all the things that turn me off of that shit but I don't know if it's because

you're Canadian or so that's what that is what it is but dude you're doing it and i'm like this is so funny and he's saying some of the most ludicrous things to people's faces i've ever seen on tape yeah but yet i don't hate it you know i in my opinion it's a huge compliment i'm trying to get thank you i appreciate i hope i'm not do you know tom green do you like tom green come on yeah like you know ali g show well think about all of the biggest men on the street people aren't american yeah yeah and i think the good point what the fuck well People aren't American. Yeah, yeah. And I think the reason is- Good point. What the fuck?

You're right. Well, this is my, what I think is like, ultimately what a good version is, you're doing like a satire of a guy doing this. Sure. Like to some degree, whereas Americans are all just actually doing it. Huh.

Yeah, like Billy Eichner's really like in your face. Like Billy Eichner, that's what an American chasing man on the street looks like. Yeah. Whereas I'm like playing a different guy each time. And I'm playing really, you're like, you're dumb. And you're kind of like, you're saying're saying one thing and then you're it's like a seduction kind of act as opposed to like it's a it's a it's a different thing in my opinion it's the thing that i think that that specific thing you're

talking about that seduction comes from because you played sports right yeah so like you know when you have a really dumb guy on the team and you can say stuff to his face and he doesn't know that you're making fun of him yeah yeah you know that guy and everyone on the team's like oh you keep keep getting his ass yeah like that's the thing you learn in locker rooms and then i think you were able to weaponize that and take it to the street yeah you are like you know you're purposely being dumb to exploit this person and people i also do look dumb sure sure yeah oh yeah oh yeah if you let someone talk they're gonna say it is amazing by like strangers being dumb to exploit this person. And people also do look dumb. Sure, sure. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

If you let someone talk, they're going to sound dumb. It is amazing. Like strangers, you can just put a camera and a mic in a stranger's face and just go, yeah, I'll talk to this guy.

And it's weird, too. Were you filming those with a camera or with an iPhone? Camera. Okay, I think the camera is very powerful. I did that stuff. Dude, that was kind of

like my thing forever. The camera is probably like, oh, it's a real camera. Well, you have all the tricks. The the game's changed now yeah the game pull back the curtain yeah the game the game has changed a little bit but like it used to be the big one was and maybe i'm honestly probably too old for this but like the big one was we're doing a school project like that was huge it's kind of like skateboarding culture like yeah a little bit it was all like because the idea was like,

what you say here doesn't matter. Like that's the trick is to convince them that like they're kind of like, who is this idiot? Like this guy's an idiot. No one's seeing this dumb project. Like, you know. I'm doing them a favor.

Like I'm being like polite. I'm being nice. I'm being nice and polite. Yeah. He needs me more than I need him. Yeah. You don't have the local news anchor like getting you.

You go, oh, this is going to be on TV. Yeah, so there's this kind of... But nowadays, everyone is kind of aware that this could go viral. So that's a new thing where people are... Even though this is just some nobody talking to me, it's like, this could be on the news tomorrow. This person could have a million followers. Yeah, or even if they don't.

Yeah, yeah. If I'd say the... I could be the next Hawk Tua if I fucking say if i fucking say you know what the absolute worst thing i've seen in the longest so it's a different game i think i told you this but i was at a show and then this guy was uh heckling the comic or whatever and he was kind of they're having a little back and forth and the show ended and we were like hanging out at the bar and then the heckler came out and he went up to the comic. He's like, oh, that was funny. You know, good stuff. And then the heckler asked the comic, did you record that? And the comic was like, no.

And the guy goes, ah. And he walked away. And then I go, that guy wanted his tape. Yeah. That guy heckled because he wanted his own tape of heckling the comic. I was like, this is fucking bizarro world where now the hecklers dude are like wanting their fucking video i know and now crowds are also like they think that everything anytime you interact with them they think that this is going to be

the clip yeah so you can literally see women when you ask them a question they'll go like they sit up yeah push their tits forward because they want to look pretty in the clip it's like i don't fucking film so that's the exact same thing as the straight thing yeah it's the exact same yeah yeah where you're like you don't you can't even get like a like a real genuine interaction because now they'll be like they won't answer because they're scared of being in the clip or you'll be like where do you work and they're like i work at the dick sucking factory yeah all right man that's you're welcome yeah you're like hey i wrote these yeah they're like i wrote some shit for you pull out note card yeah well it used to be like audience you go do you want to sit in

the front row they're like god no and they're like please get there early yes i wrote i wrote yeah i wrote some stuff so yeah i'd love to sit in front yeah they'll wear like wacky outfits like yeah pretty crazy they wear like they wear their fucking top hat and they're like but that was like so dark when i realized that that's what that guy was doing was trying to get this clip of it it's an indictment it was devoted our lives to i know it was really like oh this is not good the hecklers should not be asking for clips there's a lot of canaries in the coal mine right now yeah it's it's pretty tough to be involved and stand up there's so many things where well i mean we've kind of said this but the for any culture where you go a lot of hot girls are crushing in it

yeah that's usually a top sure because the hot girls uh they don't get involved until it's like near the top right yeah you know what i mean because they have so many better they'll just do the a different thing that's already at the top why are they yeah yeah they go top to top to top to top they're not here for the ride up yeah yeah for sure right yeah no that's when you see a lot of hot chicks starting to like do good and the thing that means like it's probably going to be lasting for a little bit longer yeah the bubble's about to burst you know what we do we do on the podcast we go through some reddits uh and i have a funny one that uh people send us reddits and i bring up a couple posts but this one's uh the meth reddit isn't it funny is it uh stims is it this is r slash meth because i follow stims what's stims

it's people doing meth and being like i've been up for four days and i can't quit jerking off yeah and a bunch of people are like drink some coconut water oh no then there's rd going there's rdph that's a different one okay the same vein our stims is just stims period yeah yeah yeah and they're fucking wild it's not where you want to be online and the reddits all have like fights between each other which is like hilarious yeah no i'll check out our meth though they have uh well no i have a couple here but the uh also there was like a ton of posts about like how meth made them gay that's like a big topic yeah yeah they get super makes you de Makes you devious. Yeah, yeah.

That's what they say. Makes you a crime against God's will. Okay, this guy's on meth, he says. So they go on meth and it's interesting to get on meth

and then go on the Reddit board. We should all do some after this. What's up? We should all do some after this. Let's do some meth. A couple boys doing some meth. A couple boys doing the meth. So there's a train station

right there. You can get whatever you want. Yeah. All right? Whatever you want. Yeah, yeah. I mean, they only recently, I i think got rid of their little program or to make drugs illegal here i think that was here i think all drugs were legal yeah yeah which is i think the only solution yeah yeah for like personal quantities in vancouver but they stopped or bc i think they

stopped it i think recently they realized it was not a good idea well guys last night was doing a bit about it i thought it was i think i was doing that well they had a guy we had this girl was telling us but there was it was in the news this guy uh because obviously like the fentanyl is a big issue here oh yeah or whatever so then this guy who was like a four i don't know if he was a former or current like user he opened up like a little you know essentially like a halal cart kind of deal but it was selling every drug but tested just like in a cart in vancouver like east end and it was illegal and uh and then but he's like i'm doing this because you know there's at least i've tested it all you could buy like literally every drug and then he died of

an overdose like a month later all right i didn't hear too close to the sun yeah i mean i mean that's the thing is like if you have If you have an issue with drugs, probably shouldn't just have every one of them around all the time. Yeah, yeah. Well, that was the big mistake they made is they were like, for all of the meth places where you can go do it, the safe places or whatever, they were like, oh, we'll give those jobs to ex-addicts.

And then within a week, all the people running the place were ODing. If you put a clean sock in with the dirty socks they're all gonna stink yeah doing for sure the absolute worst job yeah have you ever been to east hastings um i have been to is it gas town gas so if you go to east east hastings here is like it's almost like the hamsterdam from the wire okay or whatever where it's kind of like, it's been like this for 20, 30 years. Essentially, the police are like, you have your own area. Right. You can run amok, essentially.

Like, we'll kind of leave you alone. Skid row. Like, we'll kind of leave you alone. We're not going to bother you. Just don't get out of this area. So I haven't been to Vancouver since like New Year's Eve 2007 or 8. My buddy was living in Olympia. We drove up. Okay. That's the only time I've ever been to vancouver since like new year's eve 2007 or 8 okay my buddy was living in olympia we drove up okay that's the only time i've ever been in vancouver but we went to i think that place because you could buy weed in bars yes neighborhood yeah and this is when it was still

legal and you could buy weed everywhere like that that was like that guy mark emery like that was his yeah the shop and everything yeah you could just walk into a bar and be like i'd like some marijuana and they'd be like very good yeah very good yeah here you go so i think i have been to that place yeah it's it's rough anyways that's a crazy street in the world yeah that's where all this stuff came out of like all the that's where they had like the first safe injection sites yeah yeah but then i guess for whatever reason they're like yeah let's just we'll fix this problem by just making all drugs legal i mean i don't think the prohibition works people definitely doesn't work yeah yeah i mean i think the question is like what's the there's there's like uh the ideals where you're like probably the it should be legal here but then there's also like good ways to get

there and bad ways to get there you know what i mean maybe more of a gradual process well you do it at the same time as other things like because i i always kind of think of even like policy in my opinion being like if you had kids like you know i mean if you had 10 kids and you go okay this kid's like lying on the street and this and that and you go you know what we're trying to we think that he should be able to drink you go today's probably not the day like you know what i mean to be like hey we bought you some beer like it's like uh you kind of need accountability and the like access to things that kill yourself to like move together yeah where it's like if you remove like people's accountability and give them more like freedom to hurt themselves at the same time maybe that's

the bad combo yeah but there's also the dark conspiracy of the people who make this legislation being like let's give them their drugs and then the scourge will die you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah but then you got it I think you got arguably worse. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Cause boy, that's wonder if anyone's ever like,

or people problem solved. People have crunched the numbers for sure. Like it has to have happened in some hollowed hall. Yeah. Probably what actually happens though, is you're like, well, yeah,

but we didn't account for all the other people that started doing meth now. Yeah. But does legalization of meth and heroin make people want to run out and try it? No, but it makes people that are doing aization of meth and heroin make people want to run out and try it no but it makes people that are doing a ton of coke and hanging around those kinds of circles probably upgrade maybe maybe because it's around i don't know to be honest i don't know i mean the heroin thing is like nobody really not nobody but ods on heroin are like uh like literally decades

lows right now like if you it's just all fentanyl if you were gonna say okay heroin and like meth everything's legal right i feel like well then you go what are the things they need to come with that you know right like you're like for one has to probably probably have to like have some sort of you know testing to make sure that i don't know how do you do it 100 yeah well that's why you want the state to sell it because then they're testing it all and they know the purity of it and you're buying it from a pharmacy and then you have pure drugs so you know you're not getting the state took over weed in canada they didn't do a very good job of it i think you guys did it better than the american model though because it's still state by state

down there yeah i can use an ebit card here to buy federally federally no but like literally everyone who uh like smokes a lot of weed would be like, oh, shit, it's legal. I'll buy it at a store. And then within a month, they're like, yeah, I buy it from a guy. Oh, they're calling their friends. Yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure.

Yeah, yeah. No, I think that's... I mean, I'm from Colorado. That was always what we did. Yeah, they kind of like... I mean, the state always does things badly, but... Sure, sure. But again, these are all experiments.

They ran alcohol here, and now they're... Yeah, they're experiments, yeah. I mean, they were going to bring the drug legalization thing that they had here to ontario and then ontario was gonna do it and literally the government here was like don't do it like really yeah yeah they were like and then all the people in ontario were like you don't it was like in billy madison where the kids like what's high school like yeah yeah yeah yeah it was very much they were like hey like we wouldn't do this if we were you i know it seems like a good idea but it's one of those things where i don't believe the hype ontario

there's blood in the streets over here it's one of those things where it's like you know you can either have legalization or you can have like singapore style like drug laws sure sure sure and then you know people are like well we don't want to be like singapore and we don't so you have to find somewhere in between. And I don't know. Generally, it's hard to find that sweet spot. That's what they're trying to find. But you're like, look, people are using drugs. You're not going to stop them.

You can make it super illegal. You can double the price of it. Right. You know, like if you're a fentanyl user or opioid user, you're like, you're not price sensitive. No, no. You can do whatever you want. Yeah, yeah.

You know, so. Where I grew up, we didn't have opiates real bad. When I was in high school, it was all meth. We were just like a big meth place. Did you do meth? I've smoked meth before, yeah. How's that? I didn't really care for it.

I smoked it with a guy who I didn't like, but I wanted him to think I was cool. And it was literally this situation. It was the middle of the day. I was like 19. Middle of the day? Yeah. This kid, Jason, comes over at my buddy's apartment. My buddy goes goes i just smoke

a cigarette he comes back in it smells like meth he's like did you guys smoke meth and jason's like and he looks at me and he's like did you smoke meth yeah i'm just like fucked up and scared yeah that was my experience with meth i didn't make you fucking want to hit the porn no it made me like just feel really dirty and bad about myself like i wanted to like call my dad and be like i need to come home things aren't rimey your boys in the big city they're using me dad i smoked meth with jason squirrels younger brother yeah squirrels yeah i dropped you off yesterday yeah it's like you just went to orientation. I'm also, why don't you walk to the bus station?

I'm naked. I'm nude. They took my shoes, Dad. Yeah, no, so I didn't like it. But like all the copper wire got removed from every building in the county where I grew up. That's wild. Yeah, so like I don't envy, like you go to Philadelphia or the East Coast and you see like how bad heroin is. I have a few buddies that went to jail for copper wire the classic vintage dude it's such an easy scam

they're giving it away he went and then he got out of jail six months later back in for he couldn't get enough copper to call the copper man yeah it sings to you it's like the sea he's dead now but sure yeah yeah it's like i have a podcast called showy behemoth and my co-hosts like every week not every week but i'll be like yeah that's a kid i grew up with you know killed his wife and then got to stand up with the cops and he's like another one it's like this is like drugs really they really complicate people yeah if you live in a rough neighborhood and then comedy too where you're just like man i know a lot of people who've died yeah yeah like a bunch yeah it's weird well this is this guy's problem would it be a violation of my parole if i texted my smoking hot po to see if she wants to come over tonight i'm on meth

well that's a violation i am no parole officer yeah i'm pretty sure your parole i'm not a barrister yeah yeah your parole officer's like yeah i've been doing meth you want to come over and you're like uh no and're not Allowed to do that Yeah See you on Monday For a piss test This is a meth Well he has a good reason for it He goes

I'm on felony perturbation And my bitch just left me Hey you know I mean put it like that It's funny being on meth And you're like When a girl walks out It's like I can

Leaving you You're on meth You're like Yeah well You're a bitch Talk to that bitch Like talk to my parole officer she says she cares about me that's his first thought i'm hard up for pussy right now

and i need a rebound fuck super bad i might be gacked out but i've only been since yesterday honestly feel like my parole officer and have good chemistry so that's the mess shit right there i mean shoot your shot everyone in the comments is very supportive in the meth community. Actually, they're like, go for it, bro. Definitely. Yeah. It's like, dude, like you said, like people who are up for three days and they're just tweaked out of their gourd, like they're going to wind up fucking each other.

Yeah. You get some wacky ideas. Yeah. It's like, it's like fucking foxhole homosexuality. We're all in here spinning a light bulb. Why don't we fuck each other in the ass? Why can't I seem to find a normal guy who uses meth? I mean, people really do discount that there are so many functional drug users.

Meth? Maybe I don't know enough about meth, but it feels like... Dude, absolutely everything. Like every drug... It feels like the one where they're all missing the teeth and stuff. I was talking to Derek the other day. There's literally dudes who work on Wall Street

who are like functional heroin the guy who called in my show on Wall Street this guy who called in my show Chris where literally

he's like works a desk job like you know spreadsheets all day he's a heroin addict he's like I go to the what? he's like I go to the

bathroom and just like do little bumps of heroin all day just to like not be sick yeah they're always snorting it. Yeah, well, it's the only way you can do it. I don't think he smokes it.

But they're not tie-off guys. No, he's not a tie-off guy. He just snorts heroin and he smokes it. But when he's at work, literally, he's just going to the bathroom, just do a little bump of meth, and I just go to my desk. As a normal job. As a normal. Man, when we lived in Guelph, I had a neighbor, this dude. He managed this uh big like parts

factory like it was like a really like real job like he managed this huge parts like warehouse thing and he was a crack addict yeah like big time like weekends our building would get crazy because we lived in this little just on top of like a store kind of thing so it was like five units and they're the people who'd be coming going like there'd be fights in our like hallways like i remember coming out one time it's just like blood everywhere okay and he just like literally fry you know punches the clock gets out on friday and it's just like crack non-stop until probably it's in guelph isn't guelph yeah until sunday night and then monday morning like and you know, I'm sure he gets home.

Real weekend warrior. Real weekend. But I'm sure Monday night, like, you know, he's just kind of going, like, light on the Saturdays are for the boys. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But, like, I'm sure he's, like, light crack used during the week. Sure. And then just, like, and it was rinse and repeat just every, like, Friday hits.

He must look forward to 5 o'clock on Friday so hard. Oh, my God. Yeah. He's just doing maintenance crack through the week. Yeah, maintenance crack through the week. And then Friday, he's like, you know, you get paid. And, you know, just like going so hard. Wow.

That's crazy. And just every weekend. He's probably in this Reddit, too. Yeah. Probably. Well, then she should find him because this sounds like what she's looking for. Honestly, that is. But that is what I'm saying.

They do exist. Yeah. Yeah. Prince Charming exists. That makes a lot of sense specifically if you're working in a slaughterhouse or a factory where the job is really hard. Yeah. And you have to work 16 hours.

It's not even that you want to be more fruitful and be able to work harder. You just want a little pick-me-up. Your life is fucking tough. Meth is a hell of a high. Oh, yeah. Germany almost beat the world high on meth. I know. I know.

It really is a powerful drug oh yeah yeah there's a lot of good use cases i mean adderall's great adderall yeah yeah i keep an emergency adderall on me just in case sure i find that one makes me feel a little cracky you need to eat like five milligrams someone will give you like a 20 and eat that and you're like all right let's make a new math cold sweats yeah yeah a little terence howard you're gonna give him a little run for his money hey isn't that nuts yeah a little Terrence Howard. You're going to give him a little run for his money. Hey, isn't that nuts? A little teriology. I've definitely had a few Terrence Howard moments where I thought calculus was being done wrong.

The man has a micro penis. It's on film. T-how? He was in a film with his little dong. No, he was. Good for him. Okay. Oh, yeah.

Good for him. Terrence Howard has a micro. By the way, one of the guys in this thing said that I had a micro penis and meth is helping me cope with it. That actually does everything. It's really one of my dick that was eating it 12 times a day terence howard yeah i'm talking micro i'm talking not even first thumb joint yeah show me this yeah he is nub central man it's like a ken jong situation ken jong has why why is he doing this it was a film it's called yeah i mean it's probably public humiliation ritual yeah i mean like still why yeah like that's a clitoris i think that like

even going in films of the regulars weird unless it's funny like i guess it's funny like jackass guys was all like yeah yeah i get the funny component right sure i put that yeah for guys i put that on to par with puking and stuff like that. Sure, yeah. Okay, but that's not what was going on there.

This film was probably like given to the Academy for consideration. Yeah, he's an artist. This is art. I mean, and not to mention, he's a black guy.

Like, you gotta add that into the mix, too. It's tough. It's tough. It's tough. It's very quiet. It's a very quiet cross some people bear

yeah our friend uh chris robinson has a funny joke because when he's like dating girls he's like fuck a girl and then she's like because he's black and then she'd be like oh you're gonna fucking destroy me and he's like um i'll try yeah let's temper our expectations that's crazy yeah yeah well-known micro michelangelo david situation going on there i mean that will get you figuring out some new math yeah for sure i've had definitely a few of those nights how can one become three yeah does this apply to inches as well yes no you're wrong lady it's huge yeah yeah uh yeah wow wow yeah but i guess that you do too much adderall gets you in that category oh it just becomes a memory of a penis

yeah that might be what's going on there too he's juiced up on adderall could be juiced for his inventions he's juiced up on adderall for his inventions yeah so he could do his rube goldberg yeah no i don't know why i know that probably come town let's be honest i think come down did both of you knew it so it's public information oh we know why eric knows it is that what that's from yeah i forgot you're active in the streets i apologize friend of the community wait i thought there was an art movie that was from get rich or die trying i assume that was like from some sort of art piece i didn't know i didn't know what it was from but i knew it was like oh fairly

commercial venture yeah yeah so that was certainly not for academy consideration i okay yes yeah i yeah that's like a 50 cent humiliation ritual that's that's that's what it feels like to me where it's like they were just like you'd taken the script of the guy it's like hey uh terrence i saw this uh one part where you i i go naked through the streets and it's really cold you say like yeah and you're like yeah no that's non-negotiable if you want to be in this film harvey no rewrites yeah fuck no ryan reynolds rewriting that one well this girl says i've got an 18 year old kidold kid. I'm not crazy. I've been told that I'm a cool chick to hang out with. My house is clean.

You're on meth. Ridiculously clean. Yeah, I was going to say, yeah, I hope so. Why can't I find a guy who's just moderately normal that does meth? She doesn't even want totally normal. There's always some major schizo issue or some bullshit that comes with it. Oh, yeah. I'm sure she's a fucking treat.

Yeah. It's a little revisionist right here imagine your girlfriend being like yes I do meth a couple times a week yeah I just have three day meth binges

I'm normal just like my whole thing I don't post about it online I mean her DM by the way when she posted this on Reddit she probably got flooded

with dudes being like oh yeah normal meth guy here uh huh she's been airtight for weeks yeah i just want someone normal and fun like me who uses meth and can maintain good mental health if you're the one message me let's see if we click another one about to slam a homeless chick dichotomy of man slam no slam with a hole slam

no I think slam with slam with yeah yeah slam that's injecting injecting meth oh I thought he was just

banging a hole I mean I'm sure that's no he bangs oh I'm sure that's a part of it yeah yeah no that's a part of it hey he did well he did talk about

how he banged her yeah yeah and everyone was like nice yeah yeah way to go uh huh That's a part of it. Yeah, yeah. No, that's a part of it. Hey, he did. Well, he did talk about how he banged her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone was like, nice. Yeah, yeah. Way to go. So when he says slam, he means. Slam with is inject with. I don't know the lingo like that.

He slammed the plunger. Yeah. Some of the comments. Is she hot? We want to see her. We, the Legion. Feed us your new bae. I love how there's like this meth right.

It has like literal aspirational posts for them they go yeah what were the aspirations this goes hey i'm about to fucking uh it's gonna be a good night for me not bad yeah everyone's like go off kid yeah yeah seriously like we want to shoot some hair or meth oh this is meth has helped me be able to accept my small penis this is t how okay uh dick won't work girls on the way here need a solution asap fellow tweakers oh no how does it not blue chew ads running all throughout the fucking meth form yeah really i thought that they were like medically hard all the time i think they're like i think it's i've been there probably with like doing like coke or something where you're just like i'm like down to fuck but like it ain't happening yeah yeah i think that's

you're like depraved but you can't get it up there's no ghost in the machine yeah what uh yeah the worst combo of all time no i hate being horny and then not being able to satisfy my urges satisfy one or bad when like you're like you're like you're like i'm gonna go home tomorrow and see my wife but it's like do i jerk today it is always the age-old question yeah it's like what helps more going in with a clear mind or you go in like stoked i find that uh you go do i jerk oh we did yeah just the act of like just the question and that's all yeah i guess i'm jerking it turns out yeah it turns out that we do yeah we're such pigs it sucks it's so gross i'm 37 i'm still like will i pleasure myself it's also so pathetic yeah when you have the conversation with yourself

you're like not today or you're like i've today. Or you're like, I've been good. I had a protein shake for breakfast. I haven't had any carbs. I should probably treat myself. I'm a good boy. Yeah, treat yourself. Make it all thing if it stinks. You're lighting candles.

Yeah, it's gross. Definitely. But the game's the game, man. Yeah, yeah. I didn't write the rules. I just play. I find that, yeah, you got to stay in the zone where you. Yeah, yeah. I didn't write the rules. I just play. I find that, yeah, you got to stay in the zone

where you're like, yeah, every now and then you got to, but like you don't, when you start looking forward to it, like it's a big treat for yourself, I feel like that's when you start to become a freak. I know.

Well, I don't really, I don't do that much, you know, because I always want to be locked and loaded for my old lady. Really? That's what I see. Yeah, I like to save my essence. Does she know you do that for her?

Oh, yeah. And she's like, hey, why don't you beat off? Do you do that for her oh yeah and she's like hey why don't you beat off do you know how many times no she's like you come home and like you're like take your shoes off first big guy yeah like easy you should fucking wheeze your own juice you have a couple not it's fine yeah she'll tell me she's like like last night i texted her and i was like yeah i'm fucking tired from the drive at a long travel day she's like why you go beat off in the bathroom you're like nah I'm saving it she's like nah

you beat off get it out yeah get it out why don't you calm a bunch and then just go down on me for half an hour isn't that fun here's a great one

how to clean human feces off a pipe and gear no come on buddy that's dark off of your gear yeah off of your yeah yeah i had a little issue with the police and you have to hoop it and then oh you have to boil oh yeah that's what it was yeah i had to stick my gear pipe up my ass because i got pulled over any chance i can clean the pipe

and ice not a good situation maybe i should throw it away i mean those things are like two dollars it's a glass rose there's a light bulb on every ceiling yeah it's literally two bucks but it probably has sentimental value yeah oh yes guys then i have a couple of the meth made me gay posts because there's a big probably like 30 of the posts were about that yeah yeah this title's just suck dick for meth everyone's like been there brother they were yeah the comments were very supportive i don't know i don't have a community they're up they don't have that like anti-meth program like on the new like on tv you know like commercials like meth will make you gay yeah it's just a dick in your mouth that seems like not even once yeah for kids that seems like

literally like yo meth will make you gay and then like all these people who are like i wasn't gay before and then i smoked meth and then i did gay stuff i don't think my friend jason would have ever picked up well a lot of the guys in the community are gay yeah yeah i know they're just like they're like meth you make you gay you're like yeah i'm gay yeah oh yeah yeah that's the yeah i do meth and go on grinder it's sick oh yeah stim sex is supposed to be huge for the community that's a big part of that they love it poppers well this guy, I don't know how I feel about it. I don't think it makes... I don't know how I feel. He's really getting introspective.

Digging deep. Who am I? Yeah. I don't think this makes me gay. I really don't feel gay. Yeah. This is good. But I did enjoy it a lot.

A lot. The sucking? He did the sucking and he liked it? He's the one who sucked it, yeah. Wow. He says he loved it. I believe he sucks. Doesn't feel gay.

Is this gay? I don't feel any different. Yeah. I've had sex with women before. Nice. I like this much better. Sucking the dick he liked more than banging women. Huh.

My dealer made it. So it was the dealer. One thing you think about, you always hear the guys sucking dick for meth. You're just like, the dealer is just getting 10 dick sucks a day. All the dealer. One thing you think about, you always hear the guys sucking dick from Matthew. You're just like, the dealer is just getting 10 dick sucks a day? All the time. Is the dealer ever like, dude, I can't do another dick suck? Just give me 20 bucks. Please, pay me.

No, it's a 30 bag. Just give me 20 bucks. Please, wholesale. I have no more fluids. My dick is chapped. I guess it depends when you catch them during the day, you know? It's like two, yeah. Yeah, if you're going out at midnight, the guy's like, I'm all sucked out. I guess it depends when you catch him during the day, you know? It's like two, yeah. Yeah, if you're going out at midnight,

the guy's like, I'm all sucked out. I'm sorry, man. I have two bags for sucking. You're going to come around and leave

for this? Yeah, yeah, that's like before 2 p.m. The suck special's kind of a happy hour thing.

It's a happy hour. That's the rush of rush. Yeah, yeah. Well, how many times does that guy

come over before you're like, hey, I know you love getting this meth. You're over here all the time. There's an easier way To get it

Way easier way Yeah I know you got a wife And kids You got a family Wait suck me off Yeah Well

Yeah You wait till like This guy figures out He's like wait so I can suck his dick For meth And just get one bag Or I can suck

20 guys dicks Different ones for money You definitely start Doing dick meth Yeah yeah Dick meth And you go wait doing dick math yeah yeah dick math and you go wait I could just

be sucking dick for a living still not gay though we're not factoring into one thing though is that I think that meth guys have a hard time coming

so you probably really have to work on that gagger for like 20 minutes there's a lot of sweat equity going to that bag that's not a freebie right there

I don't think so especially you're the third guy and he's on meth. Uh-huh, yeah. Yeah, if he's had like every ripe mouth in town. I don't know how ripe they are. And they're pros, right?

Because they want their mouth. They want their meth. Yeah. This guy's first timer. My dealer made it sound like this could be something I could do regularly for meth. Should I do it again? Would it make me gay if I kept doing it? And there's definitely some people

in the comments that are like nah dude not gay at all yeah that's just commerce man it's normal yeah yeah you're stimulating a local economy yeah well another guy says why does meth make me gay i don't know when i smoke i just become a different person this is the kind of science i'd like to meth made me love tranny porn but i'm not gay and then a lot of the comments didn't like i'm saying tranny porn yeah yeah that's like the straightest thing you can do as far as far as the meth community goes yeah i think in general like if you're so horny for tits that you don't care there's a dick involved it's like yeah alpha right domination and then this guy well last one takes a meth and get back to you last one says meth does

not make you gay. Look, maybe it's just a coincidence that every tweaker I've met happens to want to have sex with me. There's no way this drug will ever make me gay. Sure,

I've sucked a few dicks, but I've, and recently just took it out the ass for the first time. I'm not gay though. Oh, wow. Been there,

done that. That's the, that's the bridge. I don't know if this guy's being sarcastic. Is he, does he add a little humor to the meth thread?

I don't know. McSweeney's didn't buy this essay, so I know where I can take it. McSweeney's. Yeah. Anyways, that's the meth thread. Any final thoughts? Yeah.

No. I mean, they're like very much... You like people when they're being honest. We get sent some pretty good reddits. We've had some bangers. There's one that my buddy sent me called, I think, Guy Cry. What's Guy Cry?

I think it's just men being like, I'm 36. i'm very successful in my business uh i love my wife but i pine for death what do i do oh yeah it's just like very very yeah you're like just like i don't have any purpose it's not a laugh a minute yeah it's it's very much like that hey i felt like getting money and having a job would make me feel fulfilled right yeah nothing and you go you need jesus sir you need something yeah it's weird when your people when your friends like send you something they think it's really funny and you're like this is incredibly sad yeah and it just it's like when love on the spectrum came out people would send it and be like this is hilarious and i was like watching it and crying being moved by it it's like oh i guess we're just like completely different on this yeah yeah yeah i feel like that with the fight videos a lot of times when I watch the fight videos

and people are like, people love them and I'm just like, this is, how do you, like gore. Right, yeah. Crazy to watch.

I don't like. Guys getting like, he smashed in. Yeah, the knockout, the random knockout videos. Does this not like make you feel uncomfortable? It should make you feel

uncomfortable to watch. I shouldn't have opened this on an airplane. It's like, oh, now I'm, you're sitting next to this guy this is pretty funny right

you don't want to do this his head pops right off well okay we probably gotta wrap up because we gotta we have to if we leave at what time is it

five now we'll get back by six we can get to the venue by 6.15 what do you guys have tonight we're doing Rio Theater okay and then

dude I don't know are you leaving tomorrow? I'm leaving after my show's tonight. You're out of here tonight? Yeah. Okay. Maybe you wouldn't want to come in, but today is like a huge rockin' jam.

I bet it's gonna be great over there. I'll be here in New Westminster. Yeah, that's true. I've always dreamed of performing near Vancouver. So this is fun. I was so pumped to see you, though. Like, when we heard you were here, because me and Danny brought all our gear,

and we're like, oh, let's do some podcasts. I was like, fuck yeah, dude. Oh, I'm so glad you hit me up. when we heard you were here because me and Danny brought all our gear and we're like oh let's do some podcasts I was like fuck yeah I'm so glad you hit me up yeah this was great you know what I'm gonna tell you admit something that is embarrassing but call them

and everyone talks about your book and I haven't read a book in six years and barely like two three months ago maybe it was I bought your book and it's sitting on my bookshelf I've read like 10 pages I was like I'm like

I don't think I can read anymore you've lost the capacity to read and like your book's amazing like it was just like i'm i'm fucking my brain's fried yeah our phones have really like fucking zapped i have one book no i have two books i think i have two books i have a peter teal some peter teal thing yeah and then your book there's like i have two books on my bookshelf and i'm like it's like i can't like i'm like i guess i wait for to go on vacation or something that's fine yeah i got the 18 dollars you got the 18 dollars but yeah my book's coming back by the way if you want it it's going to be available in north america from random house march 25th it'll be back on the market nice and it's cool it's about a traveling comic old road dog i know

yeah yeah i mean reading is like one of those things where it's like. It's about a traveling comic. Old Road Dogg. I know. Yeah, I mean, reading is like one of those things where it's like people will say the same thing where it's like, man, I want to read, but I don't want to. And it's like, yeah, video games, movies, TV, there's so many better ways to entertain yourself that are also enriching. Podcasting screwed up my brain from that.

Sure, dude, yeah. No, I mean, we're all wounded. I also can't, I'm like, I could never spell, and now I really can't spell. My emails are a could never spell, and now I like really can't spell. Yeah. My emails are a mess. Yeah. My wife keeps asking me how to spell words,

and I'll say with complete confidence how to spell it, and then I'll hear her ask the computer, and it reads it completely wrong, and I'm like, oh, fuck. My whole thing is spelling words all day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fuck yeah. But yeah, and then what was the name of your podcast?

Chubby Behemoth. But yeah, if you haven't checked out Sam Talent, check his special out. It's on the Matt and Shane channel. It's like fucking awesome special. Travel show on YouTube. Sam Talent, just go to YouTube and search for it. There's a lot of cool stuff on there.

One of the best. All right. So fun hanging out. Thanks, guys. I appreciate it.