The Boyscast with Ryan Long - Ep 4 - Stop making new words

Episode Date: March 6, 2020

BBB movement is cruising - Feminization, Demisectual is not a thing, Corona virus and other doomsday theories being peddled, a video premiereand a surprise birthday comedy show. Support the BBB movement - tell a friend about the boys cast and post a screenshot to social media  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And you can tell our friends, and they can have my things when we're dead But we're gonna live forever, but we're gonna live forever Episode 4 of the Boys Cast, we made it, we're here, we're here, we're queer, Episode 4 The BBB movement, which is the Boys, Boys, Boys You know, if you're a woman, again, that electrocution software is in order. So you're going to have to pop those headphones off, put them in the shelf. It's not for you, honestly. And I am apologizing because we got a real solid episode.

But if you have any male friends, perhaps, which is awesome. That's a pretty solid thing to have. And if also you have maybe a boyfriend or a husband, he's going to give you the scoop on what happened in this episode. Unfortunately, this is not available for your ears. And what we're going to do is at the end of this episode or whatever, at some point in this episode, I'm going to debut my new man on the street video Monday because it's probably my favorite one that I've ever done. So I'm going to start. I'm going to put those up on this first, and then they'll come out on the internet like Monday. People might say too, you're like, why do you need the boys cast?

Why does the world need a podcast that's exclusively for boys? The world isn't more feminine right now. You're crazy. That's a conspiracy. Because sometimes I'll think to myself and I'll be like, yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe the world isn't that much more feminine. Maybe I'm like living on the internet. And then you turn on the television and the guy from the man shows crying his eyes out

while delivering a speech about politics. And you're like, yeah, okay. I think this has gotten a little more feminine. I remember probably 10, even 10 years ago, you know, I was like a guy playing in a band. I'm an artist. That's what I've done for my whole life. You know, whatever, I've got tattoos

and sang in a band and stuff like that. And then I would consider myself, you know, not high on the masculine scale. I'm not particularly into sports. I don't fucking like fixing things. I'm not like a car guy, more of a car guys guy, which I like to, I like to sleep with men that are into cars, more of a car guys guy. And then now I feel like my energy is everyone's like whoa dude stop being so mad like I'm like the pinnacle of like people see me and they're like whoa mr masculine like that's how much the world changed where I'm like the fucking representative for like masculine energy I walk into a room and everyone's like whoa calm down and I'm like I kind of like this new society where I'm fucking the fucking guy's guy

of the world just because I can identify a wrench I don't I don't use one I just know what it is if you brought a wrench out I wouldn't be like what is that uh oh that's like some cylinder object you put tape around it and then you can use that to have your girlfriend peg you because oh that's what I thought it was in the new society that you've but literally you turn on the tv and the guy from the man show is. The thing about that that's so funny is they film those during the day and it's not live. And I'll tell you what especially isn't live the fucking speech. So if I was, let's say I had my show, I'm right now I'm filming this and I don't do a lot of cuts, but imagine that I started talking right now and i was like you know i was

i just wanted to talk about um men because i think they meant men are hold on i'm just choking up a little bit here when i talk about the boys i just get a little emotional okay oh one second and then the producer's like hey do you want us to cut and i'm like no i actually i really don't want you to cut and they're like i mean mean, Ryan, you're crying. So obviously, unless you want to be crying. No, I don't want to be crying. I just need them to see this. And you're like, okay.

So you obviously are trying to cry and you want everyone to see this and you want to put a video out and you literally posted it on your TV show's YouTube channel, like, you know, impassionate speech. So this isn't something you're embarrassed about. This is something you're proud of. And it was, like, you know, impassionate speech. So this isn't something you're embarrassed about. This is something you're proud of. And it was a fucking, you know, you're trying to prove that you're the most like in touch, emotional guy. So that's the kind of things that you've been seeing lately. You can see it even in the action stars. Action stars used to

be like fucking Steven Seagal and Arnold Schwarzenegger, guys that almost believed it. You know what I mean? You'd almost meet these guys and they'd be like, they didn't even know the camera was rolling. Whereas now, you know, you have Terry Crews is having a literal meltdown because some five foot two twink touched his bum at a party. Then you have Jason Momoa on the internet getting like trying to get people in trouble because they're using water bottles. And you're like, what is happening? What is, what is going on right now? Now, Jason Momoa is one of the guys that was so obviously shoved down her face by Hollywood and you know it's not that I don't it's not even I don't like him the problem with people that drive me nuts always stems from the fact that I'm getting forced

to think something about them you know when you have a friend let's say you have a buddy and then someone comes up to you and they're like this guy guy's the best guy in the world. And your girl's saying that she's like, this guy fucking rules. He's amazing. He's so funny. And you're like, what, what fucking James? He's like, all right. No, he's your friend is amazing. You're like, what do you, what is this?

What are you up to? What are you doing right now? Why, why is he so amazing? And you're all of a sudden you're like arguing against him. You're like, I don't know. He's not that good. He sucks at this. He's actually kind of annoying before you know it.

You're like arguing against him you're like I don't know he's not that good he sucks at this he's actually kind of annoying before you know it you're like arguing against him whereas like the same way it could go the other way around if you have this friend that's average and she's like yo James fucking stinks he's not funny and I was like okay he said this it's funny he's crap and before you know it you're arguing how great he is so Jason Momoa I find myself arguing against him because I feel like he's been shoved down my throat so fucking hard. And it was obviously part of the woke thing where like Jason Momoa fit the like mold of exactly what Hollywood wants you to see. Like they love the idea that he was from somewhere else and he's fucking like kind of like a feminine dude. I bet you his box office numbers weren't even that good.

And it was like before you knew it, every article and every Hollywood thing was just like Jason Momoa is so hot and you're like I'm not even saying he's bad looking but this was obviously like a calculated move he fit exactly what you need people to think right now so he was really shoved down the throats and I just see it and it was pretty obvious that it was a conscious effort but this is the kind of things Jason Momoa does. So Jason Momoa was like really mad that people were using water bottles. Like it's really, this is his number one issue is that people are using waters. He goes home at night. His wife's like, how are you doing? He's like, honestly, it's, I don't want to tell you. I was on set today and then look to my left ad using a water bottle. So no, yeah, it wasn't a good day,

you know, but tomorrow I hope to live and play another day. Hopefully I can find some people to tell them how to drink their water. Because I'm fucking Aquaman. He kind of believes he's Aquaman in real life. Jason Momoa, this is what he said. He goes, we are a disease that is infecting our planet. That's what he said. Now, does that sound like the good guy in a movie?

Or does that sound like Thanos? Or pretty much every villain in every movie or does that sound like Thanos or pretty much every villain in every movie starts with like humans got to go. See, all these guys have Thanos energy. They go, us humans are the problem. And you're like, I get why if you're walking around Hollywood and hanging around like Hollywood fucking people all day, you'd be like, you know what? We got to go. This sucks. But you, that's this idea that the humans are the fucking problem. We're the disease that's infecting the planet. That's how most horror movies start.

They start with a bad guy saying, like, the human race needs to start over. How many horror movies is that where they go, this plague needs to be eradicated, and we need to start again because of Joseph 434. I don't know Bible verses, but I assume they sound something like that. And you're like, what are you going to do? And you're like, well, I'm going to start cleansing people one by one. I'm going to start with this homeless guy, and then I'm going to start with this fat guy, which is also your mom. And that comes from the movie Seven. So that's what, these guys think that they're sounding like good guys,

but you're not. You're sounding like a bad guy and you're sounding like a pussy. So anyways, that's why the world needs a boys, boys, boys movement. Because it's, first of all, it's hilarious. Anyways, I saw another Subway ad that I loved. New York is fucking wild with the Subway ads. And I don't mean Subway sandwich. Imagine that's what I was going with this. I was like, dude, you should have seen this thing. It had turkey, it had lettuce. It was breathtaking. The best Subway ad that I've ever seen. You should have seen. It was a piece of art. Outrageous Subway ads. No, it goes, it goes, it's okay to not date someone that's not pro-choice. So it says, that was the ad. It goes, it's, if someone's against abortion, it's okay to

not date them. And again, I'm just like, who the fuck is paying for this? And this is not a political statement. Down with the abortions. Abort away. I think that, and the question is always, should the government pay for it? I think the first one should be free. And then, you know, you come out, you got a pony. Come on, you got to pony up a little bit. First one's free. And then you go back and you're like, listen, Wendy, this is abortion number three. You got to pitch in here. I guess then it would be like Costco, where you have a lot of women coming back with like a fake mustache. She's like, I'm here for my abortion. And you're like,

okay, stop it. Your fucking, your mustache is falling off. Come on. You play me for a fool here. But I just love the idea that you think guys are going to fucking ask a girl. Because they think that they're only talking to women, right? They're not talking to men. This is the thing. They don't realize the other half of the world. A guy being like, imagine first date. Hey, so are you for abortions? She's like, no.

I'm like, I don't know if this is going to work out. I only date girls that are for abortions. Hey, by the way, I might fucking poke around about it. But the idea that you're're gonna go up to a girl and ask her her stance on abortion and she says oh I'm actually against abortions and you tell her like listen I can't I need to know that if I get you pregnant that's I'm sorry if you want this dick I need a written consent promise that this baby will be terminated. I'm like, yeah, I don't think that a lot of girls are going to go for that attitude.

But I guess, you know, girls are living, the girls live a different world where you can be picky like that. But I don't think that would work for a lot of guys. Like, imagine that's on your Tinder profile. If you're not willing to terminate the baby, then don't even message me. Everyone in major cities is so wacky. Like everyone in New York could be like, I'm polyamorous.

I have 15 girlfriends. You're like, okay, so you have zero girlfriends. You're just dating. You don't need a new word for everything. You sound like a kindergartner. You're like, I just give a valentine to all my girlfriends. Yeah, and I got a smooch for me for one. Okay, these aren't your girlfriends.

I have 6 billion friends. And you're like, how do you have 6 billion friends? You're like, well, I consider everyone in the world my friend. You're like, okay, well, that's not what a friend is. You're changing the definition of the world. I'm a parent. I have 15 kids. Oh, where are they? They're in Africa.

I donate a dollar a day. That's not what a parent is. You're really changing the definitions of these words. And if you want to have sex with lots of people, sex with lots of people, but you don't need a new word to justify it. You can just do the thing. If you want to live a normal life,

you get one girlfriend you hate like everybody else. That's what this one, there's this article right here. It says, I'm demisexual. So this is a new word. I'm demisexual. Here's what I wanted you to know. The best way to describe demisexual, I'm attracted to a person's personality before their body. I'm attracted to the details, not physical appearance. Now, does that sound like something that needs a word? Or does that sound like a lot of women before women had to pretend that they're these fucking horn dogs? I'm just a fucking horn dog.

I need 15 men and I just, ah, I'm going to, I watch magic Mike and I finger myself all day long. Now I think that I know 10,000 girls. They're like, yeah, I kind of need to feel like I like a guy's personality before I'm feeling it, you know, before I feel like comfortable sexually with him or before I want to be attracted to him. So that's demisexual. I never knew what I was. And then I was like, Oh, I'm wacky too. Every girl needs a new term. They're like, I need a term. I can't just have a term. I'm a romantic at heart. Oh, okay. So you just told, you just admitted what you are, just kind of romantic. So you're not demisexual. You're just a normal person that wants romance. For me, I've only got the

butterflies in my stomach feeling when I've known someone really well and we've both shown romantic interest in each other. Okay, so what you're saying is that you're kind of shy and you need to feel a mutual connection with your brains before that you want to have sex. Hmm, doesn't that just sound like most women? Do you really need a term? There was, there was a sudden feeling of relief to have a word for what I felt, what I'd been feeling. I was 23 and I finally knew how to explain myself to other people. You've never had to explain that to people ever. When your friends are like, Hey, I'm just showing you a picture of a guy with a hot body. Are you really attracted to him?

Are you in love with him yet? Are you in love with this guy based on this picture? And you're like, fuck, how do I tell her? I don't know how to explain to my friend that I'm not like you. I'd love to. I wish I could just be like you and just look at a picture of a guy and fall head over heels in love with him. But I'm different. I'm a fucking wacko.

I don't know what to tell you. I'm a wacky lady. There's suddenly a feeling of relief. And you went, now I know what I am. And you said, I'm sorry. I would love to do that. But I am demisexual. I'm going to say it again. I'm going to stand on the top of the world am demisexual you know I'm gonna say it again

I'm gonna stand on the top of the world like Tom Cruise that one time on that talk show I am demisexual damn that felt good to feel like I'm not alone as this wacky zany person that needs a mental connection to have sex as opposed

to all my friends that just look at a picture of a guy and they go, oh, I'm in love. Can we get married tomorrow? This zany affliction that you suffer from. I can only imagine what it must be like to wake up in the morning and know that you're demisexual. To know that you can't just get onto a subway and see a guy and be like, that's who I'm in love with. I need to, I can't even control myself. I need to have sex with him right now. The insane situation that you're dealing with on a day to day where you need to have a mental connection with a guy. I pity you. I feel sorry that you had to be born with this curse. You know, online dating gave me the opportunity to get to know someone before

even considering a date with them. Again, just, this is something that you and only a select few people have experienced. This idea that you get to chat with someone first and that's actually better than going on a blind date, only you've experienced that. The fucking center of the world-ness, is that the good way to say it? Just the level of fucking narcissism to think that you were the only person in the world that think you know and this is part of my affliction and I guess normal people wouldn't understand this because they're not demisexual like me but for me and for me and only me I was actually liking online dating because I actually got to speak to them first whereas I mean for you obviously you prefer a blind date where you just fuck the guy immediately. But for me,

again, we're not, we're not the same. I have an affliction. I was cursed with this, with this affliction to be demisexual. Little by little, I've told my friends it seemed appropriate. Okay. If you came out of the closet to your friends as demisexual, you need to be off this planet. You need to be locked in a room, never to be spoken to again. If you called your parents and you said, mom and dad, I'm gonna need you to sit down. Well, I'm Demi. I'm coming out of the closet. What does that mean? coming out of the closet. What does that mean? Okay. Um, are you guys sitting down? This is going to be a tough one for you, but I can only be attracted to men that I have a mental connection with. I know. I hope you still love me. And they go, yeah, we're listening. That's it. That's the whole thing. That's it. I know I'm a monster. I know you didn't ask for this. When you decide to have a kid, you didn't ask for this. you decide to have a kid you didn't ask for this I'm sorry that I guess I'll just go you don't deserve a fucking daughter that's demi what are

you talking about I've told my friends and I've found it's often something they have not heard of or are curious about yeah I think they might be curious about the word not curious about them what you explain it to them they go go, I'm demisexual. And you go, oh my God, is that, what is that? That means you like to have sex with a tons of people at once. Like you want to be a God, like you need to be a demigod having sex with lots of people once you go, no, I like to, I like people that are personalities we get along and you go, oh, okay.

No, I wasn't curious about that. I'm actually not curious about that. I was curious about what the word meant. Okay, no, I wasn't curious about that. I'm actually not curious about that. I was curious about what the word meant. And I'm grateful that just like the wonderful man I married, you're married now.

It hasn't changed how they've reacted to me. Okay, so you're married. You've been married for 10 years and you're still telling people you're Demi? I can only be attracted to a man if I like his personality. What does it matter? You're married. It doesn't matter. You don't need to have any things. It's like the people that are like,

I've been married for 20 years and I've not had sex with another person, but I'm pansexual and I'm bisexual. And you're like, well, who gives a shit if you're not cheating? Are you cheating on him? No. So what are you saying? You have a husband, but you can look at a TV show and be like, that chick's hot. Who gives a fuck? not anything this is nothing you're not telling anyone anything you're coming into the closet so anyways this is all why do you need a fucking word for everything you're not polyamorous you're just dating you're a normal person that just doesn't really have a girlfriend so you don't need a new word for everything it just fucking makes me laugh there's a lot of these feminine guys running around here, and they're too confident.

There's this guy in my building. When I first moved here, I went to the wrong door. I tried to open up the wrong door with my keys, and he comes out. I go, oh, sorry, it must be the wrong door. I just moved in here. He goes, yeah, it's the wrong door. You're in the wrong place.

And I'm like, yeah, okay, sorry. So first of all, I'm moving next door to you, so I don't know why you'd want to have that energy so anyways I saw him fucking yesterday he was going I was walking out and he was walking in I'm like oh this guy and he's got a coronavirus mask on and he just went to get like food so he walked out in downtown New York to get food and he can't put out he put his mask on honey I'm going out puts his mask on like a fuck like the level of a loser that you need to be and that guy you know that is the guy who would be looking up to jason momoa and be like yeah the

real men likes recycle by the way with coronavirus the problem is for the last five years every every year there's been like all these doomsday theories remember when trump first came into power everyone was just like the economy is gonna be fucking dead We're dead. You remember Eminem when he did his rap, Eminem came out and he goes, this guy's going to cause a nuclear Holocaust. And you're, I remember I'm talking to a girl like a year after I go, she goes, Trump's the worst. The economy's down. The stock market's crashing. I was like, the stock market's up 15%. And she goes, no, it's not. It's down. And I'm like, what are you talking about? And she was like, it's, it's down. And you're like, who told you this? And you're like, did you read a blog that said it was down like one day? And I'm like, go look at the, and

I'm like, pulled it up on my phone. I'm like, here's the economy for the last year. It's up 15%, not the economy, the stock market's up 15%. She's like, oh, well then it's probably, uh, that's probably just a bubble or whatever. Start saying other stuff. And I was like, so if you're a weatherman and you're wrong every single day you don't get to do more so when you're like hillary is going to destroy donald trump and then you're like the the fucking world's gonna be underwater by 2001 when you've told me both those things and now you come at me you're like oh we're gonna be dead from coronavirus by tomorrow i'm like yeah but i don't really listen to you anymore because you're you're

wrong like if you have a buddy that's giving you fucking picks on fights, and he's like, dude, Conor McGregor, he's got this one. Put all your money, and then you, like, lose. He's like, okay, next fight this. You're like, if that happens twice, the third time, you're not like, yo, Dan's got the hot picks. You're like, no, no, no, we're done talking to him. So it's hard to find anyone to listen to,

because everyone's been wrong so many times. And everyone's so like, this is, we're, no, no, this time it's different. You're like, okay, well, I don't listen to you anymore. You're out of my realm of people that I listen to. I'm not saying the earth isn't potentially warming. What I'm saying is, is that Al Gore told me by fucking year 2000, we're going to be literally Jason Momoa in Aquaman. Cause I'm gonna be living in the sea like Ariel.

He's like, well, we all get a better, better get flip- flip-flops because you're gonna be under the sea by year 2000 and then by 2001 he's like oh actually it's 2004 and then he's like well it's 2012 I was like no no no we're done listening to Al Gore he keeps making a new documentary remember when we were kids or I was a kid or whatever every day was like you know the ozone layer is tearing apart and we have like another 10 years i haven't heard a thing about the ozone layer in 10 years i don't know what happened just went away the problem just solved itself there's been so many conspiracy theories where you're like if this if this keeps on we're dead in my lifetime and then it just went away with global warming if you question anything you're like a crazy person you're like okay so what's going what's going on with it when are we going to die

and they go why are you questioning it and you're like okay well i don't like anything that i'm not allowed to question how about that and when as soon as you tell me this is what you need to think and i'm like okay what about question they go no no no no no questions you're like okay well now i'm gonna start fucking poking around because that's not really how I operate. And I'm not, again, I'm not saying there isn't a problem, but you don't get, you can understand why people are questioning you when you've been wrong 10 trillion times. So these cult leaders that come in, they're like, you know, sell all your stuff. We're dead tomorrow. And then they sell all their stuff, like fucking rape a bitch because they think the fucking

earth is over. And then they come back the next day and they wake up and they're like hey that's uh not ideal and then they call the cult leader so like hey this apocalypse was it afternoon because i'm starting to feel like kind of like when you're looking for waiting for an amazon package that you really need you're just like so uh gonna kind of need that to happen is otherwise gonna be in a bit of a pickle since I sold everything that I own and for a dollar 50 just gambled all my money away and had about 45 prostitutes tonight because I thought the earth was going to be over by the end of the week so you're like okay well so I don't know if I'm really listening to you anymore remember net neutrality this was like

two years ago and you're like every big company, if this doesn't happen, we are dead. The internet will cease to exist as you know it. You're going to be paying $10 million for the internet. If you want to even just access on your phone, or if you want to start a website, you can't. And they're just going to gouge you. It's going to be $10 trillion. And you're like, okay, why is everyone so on board with this? Why does Facebook and Google want this to happen then if it's really bad for big companies?

So why are they on board with it? And you're just like, I understand what you're telling me, but then what's happening doesn't make sense with that. Sort of like with the global warming, they're like, we're dead in two days. It's like, so why did you buy a waterfront property? And you're like, well, I don't know. I just believe that we're going to fix it. It's like, well, then say that because that's not what you're telling me well, I don't know. I just believe that we're going to fix it. It's like, well then say that.

Cause that's not what you're telling me. Same with net neutrality. They go, we're dead. You know, we're dead. If we don't have internet, we're basically dead because you're fucking not going to be able to watch porn.

And there's gonna be so much buildup in your dick that the cum is going to fucking shoot out your mouth and fucking drown you. You're going to drown in your own cum because Pornhub will cease to exist. And you're so accustomed to getting that sweet, sweet porn. That's basically what they said to us. And then it, so then they, they made it happen. And then they took it away because they repealed it because they were like, whatever.

There was an overreach of government. And then once they took it away, nothing's happening. They didn't even write anything about it. You haven't, you never, you'll never hear someone say, oh yeah oh yeah we were wrong about that like adam's ruins everything did like a thing about how his smug show about like just so you know if this doesn't happen you might as well kiss your twitter goodbye you're not gonna be able to start a website and then okay so what you said was gonna be a catastrophe that's the world we're living in. And no one even knows. Nothing's changed. No one knows. So why is anyone listening to you? They just go, oh, okay,

we're wrong. Sue us. We're wrong. Well, fine. I was wrong about that one, but this one's next. That's like, to be honest, I've actually heard less doomsday stuff about coronavirus because I don't feel like anyone's able to push their agenda on it. You know, it's the same with these guys. They're always like, the U.S. stock market's a bubble. They go, you know, the U.S. stock market's a bubble. It's going to crash tomorrow. So there's a lot of people that have been saying that for six years.

A lot of people that I like that have been saying that. And I actually don't disagree with them that there's a bubble. I think they're right. But it's always this. It's going to happen like tomorrow. It's going to happen this. And you're like, okay like okay well then if you know what's gonna happen why don't you short the S&P 500 and become a millionaire put all your money into an index shorting the S&P 500 and then make a lot of money why don't you why don't you mortgage your house spend every all of your money

and do that bet against it because you can make tons of money and you're like well I don't want to do that it's like well but you think that you're sure it's gonna happen like well I'm not sure sure you're like okay, I don't want to do that. It's like, well, but you think that. You're sure it's going to happen. I'm like, well, I'm not sure, sure. And you're like, okay, so you don't want to put your money where your mouth is, huh? All of these conspiracy people, they don't put their money where their mouth is. They like telling you when the world's going to end. It's never the cult leader that sells all his stuff, is it?

It's always the other people that drink the Kool-Aid and the cult leaders living large. I do want to say a quick shout out to all the boys who've been listening right now. Pretty fucking sick. And I asked you this last time, but it's a quick one. If you like the podcast, tell a friend. You know, take a screenshot right now of what you're listening to, whether it's on iTunes or Spotify. Just take a screenshot, post it on Instagram or Twitter.

Tag me. It actually helps a lot. The numbers have been fucking cruising. The BBB movement has been on fire. I got a lot of cool episodes already in the mix. I'm going to start doing some pretty big interviews in addition to doing these podcasts. So there's a lot of cool stuff in the works. Keep supporting it because the more it grows, the more I can do cool stuff and put more money into it and all that kind of shit. Boys, boys, boys. I also want to say a top boy of the week,

because this, to me, was fucking hilarious. I posted this thing about how Americans are like spoiled brats, which actually, fucking awesome. I started doing that on stage, and it's kind of working. People were getting up in arms about it, because they don't really understand what I mean. It doesn't mean that there aren't better things other places. It just means that Americans are very, and it's a certain type of American, obviously, they're very unaware of the sweet deal they have in a lot of ways. Then they take it for granted. And I think that's pretty obvious. So maybe that got lost on some people.

But one of the comments when everyone was like arguing, because in all three platforms, this caused a big fucking, a big kerfuffle. So there's this guy, Keeping It Keith is the name. And he was saying that he goes, ha ha, I agree or whatever. And then someone goes, okay, Keeping It Keith, how about when you have to send up a GoFundMe

for your medical care? How about that? Explain why that's better. And then he goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and instead of replying keeping it keith goes go fund these balls i was just like yo hell yeah dude instead of arguing just saying go fund these balls fucking rocks dude so that's top boy status of the week i love this guy yeah so i i think that is probably a better way to argue i don't think you should be arguing common threads if people are disagreeing

with me in common threads like i don't know if you want to be arguing with people about politics and comedy threads like i don't know if that's that's how you want to live your life you know to me that's the same way you don't want to live your life crying about politics on your tv show like yesterday was the fucking super tuesday and people were hyped up. You know, Bernie lost. People were not happy about it. Run the Jewels is pissed off. They're going to write some songs about how mad they are. And I actually don't mind with Run the Jewels. But the reason is, I believe that idealism works better in music than it does in comedy, I believe. You know, when you hear, you know, first of all, I went to a Run the Jewels concert once when I was making videos. I was doing videos with the Hard Times.

We got hired by PBR to do these things at this festival. So one of them was the Run the Jewels was headlining. Killer Mike did a song, and then he would do like 85 hours of like Bernie's the best. And everyone would just kind of stand there, and he'd be like, Bernie's so fucking sick. And everyone's like, yeah sweet bernie or whatever i to me idealism like that where it's kind of you know this general idea of socialism or whatever you know the rage against machines and the the

fucking run the jewels of the world and you know probably most artists works a lot better in music than it does in comedy because music's more of an energy. So, you know, you have people kind of being like, you know, heal the world, make it a better place. And you kind of say communism, we should all share. Everyone should share. You kind of songs, you know, share your stuff. And then, but comedians, when comedians are on stage being like, we should share. And you're like, well, okay, what do you mean by that? And they're like, well, we should all share. And you're like, okay, well, what happens if we don't

share? Oh, well, the cops will come to your house and lock you up and put you in jail. And you're like, well, how, what if, what if everyone agrees to not share? Well, then we kill you is actually what's happened historically. So what happens historically is all of the billionaires and stuff like that, that don't want to do this. What we have, what happened is we send them to the gulags and then murder them. So that's what generally happens. So the idea of like, everyone be nice to each other. And then you're like, okay, well, what is,

and like when the comedians, when they're on, I don't need to fact check what they mean by that. You're just like, this is a positive energy. It's making me feel good. I'm just listening to the song and you're kind of like a rebellious energy in your mind. So it works a lot better in music than when a comedian's like, everyone needs to be nice to each other. This is the thing. And then you're like, well, what do you mean by that? And you're

like, well, what I mean is that you should be kicked off of Facebook if you say a mean comment. Is that what you mean? You know, there should be a law that says if you say something mean, it's now a hate crime and you should go to jail. Is that what you mean? So the problem is if you're on, if you're on stage being a comedian and truth is like a big part of what you're supposed to be selling, it's a little harder to swallow when people are logically inconsistent. But when someone's a musician and they're on stage kind of saying vague, you know, political statements that don't really add up logically, I don't, it doesn't really bother me as much. That someone's job is essentially telling you stuff for a living while being a fucking clown. And maybe sometimes there's this thing where I'm too fucking into comedians. Because a lot of times

everyone's too into their own thing. And I do have a little bit of allegiance to comedians. Everyone cares about their thing more. But it is have a little bit of allegiance to comedians. Everyone, everyone cares about their thing more, but it is funny. I remember being a comedy show, you know, you'll be with like a chick at a comedy show at like the stand or somewhere great,

you know, where it's like the top comedians in the world. And she'd be like, I didn't think these comedians are very good. And you're like, these are like the top comedians in the world. Like if you, if you get past it,

like one of these New York comedy clubs, that's the like high echelon of comedy. You know, that's the higher level of these, you know, there's 5,000 comedians, you know, 20 of them get passed at these places. And this is New York city, which is like the hub of the world. So you're like, these are the top and you're trying to explain it. And they're like, I don't know.

I didn't think it was funny. And I'm like, they don't get it. So I'm like, well, you were looking at the best of the best and you didn't like them. So we just don't like, and you kind of get defensive about it. And I was at wrestling the other day, which fucking ruled. And I was watching WWE and there literally would be a guy and I'm like, this guy stinks. This guy stinks. And you're like, this is the WWE. So these are literally the top wrestlers in the world, the best guys in the world. And I'm watching them be like boring next. They'd bring some new guy out. And you're like,

you know, he went through all the little leagues. He was probably the main guy at whatever league he was in the way that a comedian was probably the top guy in his town before he came here he was the top guy he was probably like a pro football player or something mad athletic before he did wrestling he went through all the channels out of thousands of people he got picked he comes out he's got his character he's practiced his speech and i'm like next so i get it you're like if you're not in the world, you don't give a shit. But that to me is a perfect example

of how I feel about comedy a lot of times. So I did a comedy show on the weekend, which I want to talk about because it was so funny. Now, ladies, do not throw a dude a surprise party. Oh, my God. So I did this party. This guy, Tate Winston, who was on fucking Omnics last week. He throws a party at this place.

It's this guy. His girlfriend's throwing a surprise party. All his work friends are there. His family's there. They throw him a surprise party. I'm the surprise. That's your big surprise. What's going to happen?

Oh, we're going to bring you to this place and some fucking clown from Canada is going to make fun of me. They want me to roast him. They go roast him. And I'm like, how, what is this? What is this birthday present? This is what you get him. So this guy is going to come in happy birthday surprise. And then they sat him on the stage with his girlfriend and they're like, make fun of them. I'm like, I'm not going to do that. First of all, when you think your friend wants to get made fun of, he doesn't. Everyone has thin skin. I once did a Christmas party and they go, I want you to roast him. And they gave me roast jokes, not roast jokes, roast topics. It was a guy. And then he was like for people in the workplace and make fun of them. And they're like one guy, they're like, make fun of the fact that his wife cheated on him. And I'm like, yeah, I'm not doing that.

They go make fun of this. It was a fat guy. that they go make fun of this it was a fat guy and they go make fun of that he always goes for seconds at the dessert table and I was like are you fucking out of your mind so they think that this guy is his birthday and they think that's what he wants he wants to sit there will his friends and family roast him on his day he's just like a guy he was like a nerdy guy he's sitting there with his girlfriend so anyways I was doing I basically said I just kind of said a version of what I just said now I go these are your friends they don't like you do they want you fucking feel pain so I'm like I'm on this guy's side I'm like you're sitting there with your girlfriend everyone's there watching and wanting me to make fun of him and I'm like yeah I'm not gonna do that so I did like normal comedy made fun of the crowd more because that felt like the the move to me because I was

on this guy's side I was like this guy's side. I was like, this guy's birthday. I'm not going to put you through that shit. Fuck these people. I'm on, I'm for the dogs, man. I'm not going to let you fuck your boys play you like that. But it wasn't his boys. His boys probably would have been like, yeah, I don't know if that's a good idea. His girlfriend was like, he would love that. There's nothing he would love more than to sit on a stage while all of his, while all of his friends watch him get humiliated. Oh, he'll love that. That's his, if I know my boyfriend, you don't. Because he would hate it. He did hate it.

So I'll tell you what happened. We're about five minutes in. The kid's crushing. And also, this is just humble brag. Or a brag brag. But it was not a scenario set up for comedy. They had a fucking DJ playing before. The guy comes in surprised.

They throw me right on stage. So anyways, I start fucking. The kid's laying it down. I start doing a joke about how guys think they want a girl that wants to fuck all the time, but they don't. You know, girls say they want an emotional guy, but the way that guys say they want a girl to fuck all the time, then you have that, and you're like, yeah, this is hell on earth. You know, she's trying to fuck on a Tuesday, and you're like, I'm ready for round 14. And you're like, I don't have any more blood left, or she's ready for whatever.

You get the idea. It's a whole long thing. And then while I'm doing this, she goes, that's him. He wants to fuck all the time. So that's what his girlfriend yells on the stage. So they're behind me. And I'm like, oh, shit. And then the guy goes to her.

He's like, just shut up. And then she goes, what? You do? Wrong move. Never tell them to shut up. He goes, what? You do? You're always trying to fuck. And I never want to fuck. You're always trying to make me fuck at this point. It's like getting awkward. He's just like, he's like a deer in a headlight. She goes, what do I do? I'm in front of my coworkers and my girlfriends telling

everyone that I'm trying to have sex, but she never wants to. And I go, he goes, just don't. And she goes, what, what, why is that bad that I said that? And now he's like, I'm, I'm feeling for this guy. And I, I'm kind of stepped in, but the problem is I start doing my jokes again. And that's when she says, she goes, what, what's the issue? So she's, she's not done. She's literally, he's kicking. She's kind of like, yeah, my boyfriend's got some weird kinks and he kicks her. And she goes, why, what are you kicking me under the table for? What? I can't say that you're into having, you know, I can't tell your friends that you like having milk poured on you and you'd be calling a good milk boy while I fuck you.

I'm not allowed to say that. So she's, she's doing this thing where she's letting it fly and he's like, what do I do? So he's just, okay, we'll talk about it later. He's like, we'll talk about it later. Never works. Fucking moral of the story is this guy obliterated in front of his friend every one of his friends was just feeling like maximum cringe level he this guy's just sitting on stage while his girlfriend's saying that she doesn't want to fuck him and he's always trying to have sex and then he tried to

like get her to shut up and then he couldn't so obviously like she bitches him around on top of that because he's like babe like could you just we talk, can we not talk about this and watch the show? And she's like, I'll tell you. No, what do you mean? Well, don't tell me what to do. And he's like, holy shit. I'm watching this guy being like, kill me. Just kill. If I was that guy, you're like, just, just end it. You know what? I'm just going to do this. I'm going to walk into oncoming traffic and just fucking end this. Cause this is a nightmare. Happy birthday. The only way, the only thing you can really do when you get bullied into that scenario is you just have to take your lumps. Like she goes, he wants to fuck all the time. You literally have to say,

ha ha ha ha ha. It sucks. And then when you get home, you go, don't you ever, if you ever embarrass me like that again, I swear to God, I will show everyone your nudes. I will put your nudes. I don't know what you tell them. You go, I will take a video of you farting and I will show it to every one of your family members and friends. I will post that on your Facebook profile and say, haha, you were so cute last night. Two can play at that game if that's how you want to do it. But there is no winning that scenario. The only thing you can do is take

your lumps. You have to, if your girlfriend starts making fun of you in front of your friends, you sort of have to just take it. And then when you get home, you go, uh, you go, can you not, or I don't know how you, you go, can you not do that? Like, no, don't like, we got to have some fucking code. Like, we're supposed to be some sort of a team here. You can't make me look stupid in front of my friends. And she'll go, what? What's the problem?

And you're like, oh, we got some work to do here, boys. I'm going to have to train this fucking lady from square one. She wasn't, you weren't, this is a rescue. You ever trained before? I was like, when girls are, you know, telling young girls, you need to have more orgasms and all that stuff. You're like, mind your business. I want to go to your boyfriend and be like, you know what?

Hey, dude, you know what? You don't actually have to take her out for dinner. She's not going anywhere. You already live together. Girls say they're going to leave, but they're not leaving. So there you go. Hey, how would you like it if I told your boyfriend that? Okay, so now, right now what I'm going to do is debut my new video.

Now this one, so they just normally come out on my page every Monday. But this, I'm going to start debuting them on this podcast. Now I know most of you are listening to audio. But, you know, there's a lot of radio shows that play audio of men on the street. You know, I'm just talking to a guy. So the fact that it's only audio shouldn't be a problem. That's still fine to listen to. And then you can watch the video if you want on YouTube slash Ryan Long comedy, or

you can, or you can watch it on my Instagram and YouTube and everything when it comes out Monday. But you know, it's gross to watch your own videos and be like, I'm the man. And that's not really what I'm saying. I'm saying that this made me laugh the most. I edited this footage. I brought this footage out. I was watching it and I was in tears laughing. It was for some reason, this just is my favorite thing. It's my favorite topic is my favorite game to get people in. And the way that I had this guy going and the things he was saying just made me fucking cry laughing. And I don't think it's topical enough to go really viral, but I think if you're, like, a fan of my videos, you'll be watching this and you'll be like, this kicks ass.

Okay, I'm just going to play it. What do you think is the best race to smash with? I'd probably have to go with Latina. There's something about them, they're just so sexy, you know what I mean? How would you ever spank it to Latinas? What does that mean? Like porn. Oh, yeah, definitely, you know what i mean like yeah how would you ever spank it to latinas what does that mean like porn oh yeah definitely you know i mean like yeah unless it's like gay porn because i couldn't get off dude you know you're speaking my language because i've never jerked off to gay porn even

once and if even if people say that they did i didn't they're lying but weird just all my life people just assume that i'm gay too i don't know why and i'm not i'm not gay at all uh i do i'm i don't think there's anything wrong with it but but I'm just not gay. Yeah, me neither. What do you do to prove that you're not gay? I don't give a fuck. If they think I'm gay, I'll go along with it. I'll make gay jokes. Dude, I'll blow it, dude.

I don't give a shit. I'm not gay, so it doesn't matter. I'll try to fuck them. Because if you think I'm gay, like... Go through with it. Yeah, just like, all right, you know. Yeah, we're just two guys that aren't gay, so it's like, whatever. I feel pretty secure in my sexual life.

I don't really have to prove that I'm not gay. I don't really care what people think. I feel mad secure. Like, if someone thinks I'm gay, that's their prerogative. If you found even, like, dildos in my house, the reason I have them is probably for when girls come over to use them on them, and it's nothing to do with me. I work, too.

At work, people thought you were gay? Yeah, and, like, I guess I'm, like, a pretty cool guy, so I could get people. Yeah, me too. They'll tell me, like, rumors about me, Like, yeah, people think you're gay and stuff. And again, there's nothing wrong with being gay. We're just not. I mean, I'll be nice, but I'm not going to play along, you know. Even if I was by myself at a gay bar, that doesn't mean that I'm gay.

I was just like. You're not gay, though? No, I'm not gay. You're not gay? No, I'm not. Why did you say that? Because, like, I don't know. You're saying, I don't know.

You're repeating, like, a lot of stuff, like, gay people would do. But you're saying I'm not gay towards it, you know. Yeah, because I support the community. Oh, like that? Oh, okay, yeah. Were you getting a gay vibe from me? I mean, I don't know, you're repeating a lot of stuff gay people would do, but you're saying I'm not gay towards it. Yeah, because I support the community. Oh, like that? Oh, okay, yeah. Were you getting a gay vibe from me? You're saying that people all thought you were gay, too. Oh, no, yeah, but I'm saying... But neither of us are gay. Yeah, we're not gay.

I like girls, man. I like pussy, yeah. I'm always trying to get pussy. I'm a New Yorker, you know what I mean? That's what we do, right? To be honest, I haven't had sex in months. But you would fuck a chick. Actually, no, it hasn't been months. Two months ago, I fucked a black girl. That's the last girl I fucked. Yeah, sick. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's cool, yeah. And no one would think you're gay if they saw that. Yeah, they wouldn't think I'm gay, but I mean, they would probably be shocked, to be honest, that I fucked a black girl, but

whatever, you know. Sick, dude. Yo yo honestly a great meeting you i fucking love pussy you're not gay i go i'm not gay you're not gay right no we're not gay then he goes dude and then there's like a pause he goes i love pussy dude and i'm like yo pussy fucking rules i'm a hound yeah we're both two pussy hounds. I'm a New Yorker, dude. That's what we do. For some reason, like two guys both going back and forth on how they're not gay probably is one of the favorite things for me ever. I honestly think in comedy school, they should teach that, that two straight guys that think they're gay, that aren't, that are like in the closet, but refuse to admit they're gay kicks ass always anyways that makes me fucking laugh i've

been writing a lot of jokes again i hope some of the people can come watch me in new york hit me up on instagram for dates and i'm also gonna be posting some more dates but now that i've got everything like streamlined a lot in my life i've been really back in the zone of writing comedy two hours a day i was talking about how everyone says in new york you know when i first came here everyone would be like trump's a nazi and i'm like i doubt he's really a Nazi. And then I moved here and I was like, fuck, they really are rounding up all the Jews. Epstein, Weinstein, Rabbi Berkowitz, they're putting the Jews away. Woody Allen's getting down. I'm like, wow, they are really putting the Jews away. And they go, no, they're putting those Jews away for something else. I go,

there's always something else. What was it? Usury, creating a central banking system. They go, banking system they go no pedophile i go oh that's actually not as bad historically considering so that's kind of that's kind of fucking it's the kind of jokes you can expect from ryan long on stage i'm going to answer a question from the boys and then i'm going to wrap this puppy up so question from the boys and also so if you want me to say your name put your name but if you don't want me to say your name then don't put it on there like in your sign off but it's if it's in there i'll say it how do i get my wife to have dirty nasty sex with me so you got a wife and she's she's not as dirty as you want to be you're like you want the you want the fucking real dirty shit you want to be pissing in her mouth and all that stuff and i think most girls have it in them so what you need

to do number one get her drunk you got to be drinking for these things. If you're sober, I don't know. Honestly, first things first, evaluate whether you actually want this. You're like, do I want to be, do I really want to have this with my wife? Where that's our new dynamic, where every time we have sex, I got to be pissing on her. But if you do, I suggest you a drunk. If you're a sober person, I just don't think you want to be into this. You got to have some of your senses fucking, you know, diluted. If you're going to get into the game of like the fucking dirty, nasty sex that this guy is fucking talking about. Number one, get her drunk. Number two, when you start it, you want to be at other places. So

whether that's trips or hotel rooms, you got to remove the environment. You got to remove the fucking normalcy of that environment. So when you're going to do it, you want to do it other places. And then the third thing is you always got to be like, yo, this is crazy. You have to create the illusion that you're both thinking of this together. You're like, we're being crazy right now. Oh my God. Like we went to those hotels. We're being nuts right now.

You guys have to both be coming up with this together. Girls don't want to get bullied into doing something unless that's your dynamic. And on top of that, you got to be confident for these sort of things. As soon as the girl feels a little bit of wavering in your confidence, that'll make her be completely unconfident. But yeah, if you're fucking with a girl and every once in a while you want to get to the fucking dirty shit, that's what I suggest. All right, so that's the boys' cast.

Thank you for listening, boys. Please tell a friend, post a screenshot, comment on the videos. That helps a boys cast. Thank you for listening, boys. Please tell a friend, post a screenshot, you know, comment on the videos. That helps a lot too. And I have some lots of cool episodes planned. I'm going to do an episode, I think, on the differences between Canada and the US and all that sort of stuff that we've been talking about.

I want to do an episode of like the history of all the different guys like Jordan Peterson and what I think about those guys. I want to do an episode on rappers that I hate. You know, for example, I can't stand Snoop Dogg. People love him. I'm going to fucking, I want to really go in on why. Dude, weed's so fucking sick.

Trump's orange and weed's sick. I'm a renegade. Why I don't like him and people like that. You know, it's another thing with the Canada thing. I always find, because people don't, you know, people are reading this being like, oh, this guy's from Canada. He doesn't get New York. He's like, dude, I'm from fucking Toronto. It's a 5 million person metropolitan. I'm not from, it's not like I didn't grow up in a huge metropolitan. I'm not from the fucking sticks. And I'm like a little

boy. Like, Whoa, what is, what are these subways? I'm from Toronto. Toronto is the fucking New York of, of Canada. there used to be this commercial they would be on billboards everywhere and it said it was cold beer for Coors Light and it goes as cold as people from Toronto and they'd have that in Vancouver and stuff because there was like this joke that people from Toronto sucks and the beer is so cold

and whatever I don't really have an opinion on whether you know Toronto people are cold or not or whatever I don't give a shit but it always makes me laugh when beer companies advertise how cold their beer is because you're like really the advertisement should be like yeah our beer is good and how cold it is kind of up to you really I mean is your fridge cold like what what's your fridge temperature that's exactly how cold the beer was kind of depends on the bar like are you drinking it outside and you got it out in the sun then it won't be cold like literally uh we could say our beer is cold when we give it to you and then when you drink it whether or not it's cold that's like kind of

balls in your court i think i don't get why beer companies advertise that their beer is cold is there a chemical in there that makes one beer colder than the other i don't think so and if there is take it out because i don't want no fucking chemicals. I've been Ryan Long. This is the Boyscast at Ryan Long Comedy. Subscribe, comment, all the shit. Send boys fucking questions to Ryan at ryanlongonline.com.

If you send me articles, try to send ones that have lists instead of like a big long article because those are hard to break down on a podcast without boring people yo peace