The Boyscast with Ryan Long - Ep 5 - Buzzfeed says shove your cognitive dissonance up your ass

Episode Date: March 13, 2020

Stop being a bitch about the Carona Virus, Boys questions about gillette razers, Buzzfeed: Tells you what to do if you don't like the democratic candidate, Consent Club and more. Leave a review and tell a friend please and thank you - questions to [e-mail] Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And you can tell our friends, and they can have my things when we're dead But we don't end forever, but we don't end forever And you can tell our friends, and they can have my things when we're dead Boyscast, we're back, episode 5, Ryan Long and the place to be Woo! It's been a little bit of hysteria over coronavirus, people are not happy You know, if you're one of those people that's thinking, oh my God, we're dead. Coronavirus has come. It's over. Give your fucking

head a shake because I'll tell you who's been texting me that. Every girl I know. The boys are strong. The boys are fucking in their twenties, their thirties. They go to the gym maybe some of the boys see another boy that they like in the shower you know say what are we doing but i'm not gay the next thing you know you're getting fucked by that's just part of being one of the boys sometimes you meet a guy at the gym you have a connection and now you're gay just fucking boy shit fucking dogs oh you've never you've never went to the gym heterosexually and then fucking blew a guy in the shower oh okay you must be nice i've had i've had every girl i know like girls i slept with 14 years ago being like yo are we dead from corona almighty ryan because they see myself on facebook and they go well there's there's ryan

doing his thing but deep down they're like they know that fucking i've got the scoop they know they're like wait a second what does ryan long think are we dead i walked by trader joe's the other day there's a line out of the building all these these fucking nerds in New York. Oh my god, I have to get every sheet of toilet paper or otherwise I'm gonna be shitting in a bucket. I've got to get every sheet of toilet paper in New York City or I'm gonna be shitting in my hand and eating it. I'm gonna be sustaining myself with my own poo. And I know you're looking at me and you're saying, well, Ryan, not everyone's a big famous podcaster who gets to just sit in his house and just marinate in all this podcast pussy that's been thrown at me. I can't even walk down the streets without a girl coming up to me and being like, holy shit, you're that podcaster.

And I say, well, you freaks leave me alone when you just see me eating with my daughter. It's not my daughter. Someone else's daughter. She's 20. I mean, with a 20 year old woman. That's me right now because I can't beat off of fucking podcast groupies. But I got my money where my mouth is. Listen, hey, did I potentially lose close to 15 to $20,000 in the last little bit on my stocks? Maybe. Is it possible that I dove in a little too early? Because I saw a video from Jordan Belford, the Wolf of Wall Street guy on TikTok,

telling you to buy the dips. Did I get a little hyped up and maybe put a little too much money in the stock market two weeks ago? It's possible. I'll tell you what's going to happen. Once this thing levels the fuck out. I'm emptying all my lines of credit. I'm selling the podcast studio.

And I'm riding this thing back to the top baby. I'm not even worried. I woke up. I looked at my losses. I said yeah. probably shouldn't put so much money in me yeah maybe went a little too hard on buying that dip huh but here we are i still got a little fucking wiggle room i'm i'm gonna be selling my urine and my body out on the streets to trade it in for US dollar ETFs. All right. Listen, don't be a bitch about the coronavirus. In two months, you're all going to be like, remember that time I was having

a conniption like a baby? We got a lot to cover today, and I'm not here to give you a lecture on coronavirus. Do whatever you want. Just don't make jokes. The only advice I will give you is don't make any beer-related jokes where you say, coronavirus, I'm getting the Bud Light virus. Any beer-related jokes like that, yeah, you don't want to, don't be that guy. Not a good joke. Boys questions.

A lot of people send in questions. And you can send the questions to the boyscast at ryanlong at gmail.com. We got an email. We're coming up. A big podcaster. Adam asks me, have you seen the Gillette The Best A Man Can Be advert?

What do you think of that? Boys, boys, boys, a boys to movement. That's what he says. Boys, boys, boys. You know, if you don't know the Gillette advertisement, it's been probably talked about

on a lot of podcasts and I'm not here to just cover every fucking cultural thing. Basically what happened is they showed all this like stuff that was supposed to be guys doing toxic stuff like you know a guy is coming in the house and he just punches his wife in the face his girl his girl's there making dinner and he opens the he opens the opens the oven he says what the fuck is this and she says it's not done yet and he goes I. And he kicks the dinner, takes the muffin, shoves it in her face. And then they're like, men shouldn't be like this. Buy our razors.

Things like that. You know, the kids coming home. Dad, I think I should shave. And he goes, boom, knees him in the groin. He goes, that's what I think. Be a man, you little fucking fruitcake. I found a girl's toy in your room. And he goes,

it was my friends that came over. No. This is what's going to happen. You're going to shave even though you're seven years old. And Gillette, the best man could be. It's just a dad sitting there. He's not crying. He's just watching TV. He's not crying. And they go, this is the kind

of toxic energy that we have in the world. Gillette. And there's two types of people. And you want to be none of them. Person one is like, fuck you, Gillette. And they post a status being like, the nerve of Gillette. And then number one is being like, Gillette is my hero. I used to look up to people like the first man on the moon or martin luther king but now my heroes are the 22 year

old ad exec from gillette who passed this commercial you know just thank you gillette for just telling people how to live their lives thank you so much gillette you want to be neither of those people the problem with these ads is you never want to get involved in the debate because that's the whole purpose of them you know because as because as soon as you get mad, they've won. Some retard at fucking Gillette realized that they could put an ad on there and then everyone would argue about it and then it would sell more razors. First of all, it doesn't work.

It actually does not work. Because you do, you get more clicks. And what happens is they go, they put this Facebook ad out and everyone shares it and then they get, you know, listen, I've done done branded content i made advertisements for different companies and i went back to them and said look at this i've gotten 10 000 shares and give us more money and they say oh my god these fucking 27 year olds or however old i was are so great at advertising and then they give us more money because it's the wild west these guys are

morons and they don't know what they're talking about they hired some hip advertisement firm and they said you know what sells right now social justice you're gonna tell men they're bad and you will get click city because you get you don't get click city you get share city of 10 000 people being like jillette and then you get 10 000 people being like my hero. I can't believe these companies are so great. The problem is none of these people are buying razors. They just all look at the advertisement. They get mad. If anything, the people that fucking posted how great it is, they were never buying razors. And the people that posted how bad it was by less razors. So it's just retarded campaign. However, whoever made the campaign gets to go to their boss and

say nailed it don't get suckered into this nonsense don't let commercials dictate how you are going to live your life and i get it because it does your visceral reaction is like fuck this like you see it and you're like fuck this fuck you shut up it's kind of the same thing when they want to replace all the characters with other characters. They're like, Ariel's going to be black. And then they go, look it, you're mad about this. You're like, no, you want me to be mad.

The only reason you're doing this is so people will be mad. If this was like, if you really just made a thing and you wanted to make it a certain way, no one would care. The problem is the reason you're doing this is because you want to take people's things away. It's not because you said, oh, they need, this is going to help

black people. It's not going to help black people. You're just trying to rile people up. It's like, it's like if someone, your, your fucking girlfriend, she's at your house and she goes, I'm going to start playing guitar. And you're like, yeah, yeah, no problem. And then you're trying to sleep and she starts playing guitar in the other room and then you're still sleeping and then she goes I'm gonna come into your room she starts because she she waltzes into your room starts playing you're like okay a little much you're playing guitar in my room and I'm trying to sleep and then she comes on the bed in your face and she's like today is going to be the day that they're going to throw it back to you and you're like could you not she's like you're not supporting

my guitar career or what you don't like you could you not? She's like, you're not supporting my guitar career. Oh, what? You don't like, you don't think girls should play guitar. So you have a problem with girls playing guitar. Do you? And you're going, well, I don't care. I don't care about any of this. No one cares.

I don't watch little mermaid. I'm fucking in my thirties. And they go, so why do you have a problem with it? Because you're, you're shoving it in my face asking for my opinion so that's what this is they shove a fucking video about how you're a piece of shit on your facebook timeline and they want you to get mad about it and then when you get mad about it they go see and then they get to tell their boss they had a successful advertising campaign most people don't give a shit.

Do you think anyone watches Martin? And they go, this is too much black programming. Do you think anyone watches any fucking girls show? Do you think when Sex and the City was on, people would be like, women shouldn't be in television. No, no, no.

No one cares. These people are doing everything they can to make you seem sexist. So you have to fucking, you have to pretend it's a joke. The only way to fight them is to be like, no, you guys are a fucking joke. But just know that these people don't actually care about what they say they're caring about. And that's what you call these people and their fucking hypocrisy. You know, they go trans people, they have the highest suicide rate. Oh, it's so crappy.

And you're like, oh, okay, well, men have a higher suicide rate than women. Do you care about that? And they would be like, fuck no. So you don't care about suicide rates. You don't care about people. You care about, you know, shoving something in some people's face to say something about yourself. You want people to know that you're there. How much, how much do you care about trans people? I know. I guess I support them. I support them

twice as much, three times as much. I sucked a trans person dick yesterday out of solidarity. Yeah. Against his will. That's how ahead of the curve I am. And you're like, okay, well, you guys don't give a shit. So these people don't care about what they're saying. And honestly, one of the problems is, is yeah, it kind of sucks to be, feel like you're trapped in the wrong body, but you know what sucks more? Being a disgusting woman. Do you know what's a really bad life available for humans? Being a woman that looks really gross. And that's the gross and that's the and that's you know not good or bad or whatever but if you're a guy and you're like man my life

sucks i feel like i should be a woman and then you turn into a you know one of the grossest women available and you're like wow this actually sucks worse life ain't great for women that are six foot four with bald. It's not a great life that's available for these people. And honestly, these problems like men having a high suicide rate, you don't even really want them involved, females, to be honest. It's kind of like if you're like, oh, you know, men have a high suicide rate. And they're like, well, that's because you don't cry more. And you're like, you know what? Just don't get involved.

How about that? It's kind of like when you're dealing with something and you you're you're you've got this big problem at work or something and your girl's like what's wrong and you're like i've got this big problem and she's like well have you tried taking a break and you know what actually i i sorry i should have just said nothing i'm fine there's i shouldn't have involved you in the problem you're not helping there's nothing you could add to this discussion that's gonna to help people. So whether we're talking about coronavirus, Gillette razors, or the logical inconsistency

of these people, it kind of all boils down to one thing. Them trying to tell you how to think. So this is what really made me laugh. So BuzzFeed wrote an article that says, here's what to do if you hate the Democratic nominee. Have you been watching politics and you've been given a strict set of instructions? You've been told exactly who you should like, exactly what policies you should think. Here are your list of opinions.

Hey, we're Buzzfeed. Here's your list of opinions. Eat up like slop. Here's your things. This is what you think on immigration. What do I think on race relations? You think this. What do you think of this? Oh, you on immigration. What do I think on race relations? You think this. What do you think on this?

Oh, you think this. What do you think about gay people? They're the best. What do you think about Muslims that hate gay people? They're the best. And are you sitting here with a crop of opinions that are all conflicting? Well, here's what BuzzFeed thinks you should do. Take your cognitive dissonance and shove it up your fucking ass. After the 2016 election, you promised yourself you'd do everything you can to beat Trump.

I love, I just already love who this article is talking to. You promised yourself. You woke up 2016 when you're done, you're crying no you called your mom you called your girlfriend you said i'm sorry you called your black friend you said i'm sorry for what's about to happen to you because now that trump's in i'm sure we're not even gonna be able to hang out anymore this world has come to an end you promised yourself you went looked in the mirror and you said, Ryan, I'm going to do everything I can. I know I'm just one man, but Will Smith style. I'm going to be the superhero.

What do those things include? Well, we're going to find out. You marched. You protested. You protested. You donated to anyone whose video caught your eye. No, they didn't. Listen, BuzzFeed, who do you think this is going to?

Three actors in Hollywood that donate because they get to tell everyone about it? No, you're right. BuzzFeed readers are 20, and they don't donate to shit. They donate to the beer fund for their kegger. No one's donating to your party. And even if they do canvas for him, people aren't canvassing for politicians because they want to change the world.

They're canvassing for politicians because that's part of their identity. When they're in college, they're like, I'm this. This is who I am. Here's my Bernie shirt. That's just, what do you do? Oh, you like hockey?

I like Bernie Sanders. That's my thing. What bands do you like? I used to be into emo, now I'm into Trump. That's a pretty good way to describe a lot of these people. Their identities used to be a type of music, now their identity is a politician. And maybe you even got caught up in some ridiculous social media squabbles, doing everything you can. Because if there's nothing that changes people's mind more, it's yelling at your uncle on Facebook. You fucking piece of shit, Uncle George. And then you go to sleep at night,

you thinking, I doing it. I am doing it. Well, don't worry. There is another equally important way to make a difference this November that won't require you to fake it through a canvassing shift. this November that won't require you to fake it through a canvassing shift. Within an hour's drive of every zip code in America, there's an election where a Democrat needs your help. If this isn't a propaganda piece, then I'm fucking at a loss for words. If you wake up in the morning and say, I know what you're thinking, your candidate lost, and you don't like the other guy. Well, we don't care if you like him. Maybe you think Joe Biden's retarded. No, no, no. We don't care. We don't care if you like him. You don't need to like him. You swore an oath to the party. One of us. One of us. Now get in your car. Oh, quit your job.

Oh yeah, first of all, quit your job, quit your job. Where do you work? I work at a bar. Quit that. Pledge your oath. Also, we need you to murder a guy because we're pledging our earth to the Clinton corporate campaign.

You're gonna drive two hours by yourself. Drive, you don't have a car? Well, no, of course you have a car because anyone who's doing this has a car. Come on. You're a rich college kid. Get in your car. Drive to Buffalo and just start knocking on doors. And you're not.

And now, even better, you're not campaigning for politicians that people know the names of. You're not saying, hey, I want to support Biden. You're saying, you're saying, hey, I want to support Joe Blow. And they're saying, what? He's running for Senate in 15 months. Who are you? Get off my lawn. Fuck off my lawn. Where are you? Oh, I just drove here from New York City. Take whatever money you budgeted for beating Trump. Trump budget fund. What's this bowl full of money? That budgeted for beating Trump. Trump budget fund. What's this bowl full of money? That's the beaten Trump fund. Do you ever watch the TV and just look at Trump talking on the TV and you're like,

Yeah, Trump thinks he's pretty good, but he's no match for this bowl of cash. How much is in there? $25. That should do it. That should take down Trump. You're beating Trump fund. Who has a bowl of money for beating Trump? No one with a family and no one with a normal job. So you're only talking to rich people.

Do you think that Joe Blow, like construction worker, dating a waitress with three kids as a beating Trump fund? Dad, I kind of need money because I want to join football. It's like, yeah, that's going to have to come out of the beaten Trump fund. And nothing messes with the beaten Trump fund. There is nothing more important than your beaten Trump fund. And take that money that you budgeted for beating Trump. Split it down the middle. Five bucks for each. Give half the

money to local candidates that catch your eye. You know, like you're at the strip club. You've got the strippers coming around. You got five dollars in each hand. Whoever catches your eye gets your five bucks from your beating Trump fund. And give the other half to organizations that will exist past election day. And finally, here's what to do with your vote. And finally, here's what to do with your vote. And finally, here's what to do with your vote. I know that for a reason, democratic elections take place in a booth where no one can see it,

but you are in luck. Buzz, you don't need to, don't use your pesky brain. I know that you're watching this and you're watching that and you're starting to make decisions, but baby, you, but baby, what are you doing all that thinking for? Just take your Trump fund, give it to who I told you to. Here, let me just grab your hand. I'll write it out for you. I'll write it out for you. Biden. There you go. Slower, slower. E-N. Biden. Was that so hard? Yeah. Now go back to your house and you're not

going to be able to eat a lot because all your money was in your Trump fund. Crack a Mr. Noodle. Enjoy that Mr. Noodle. Just knowing that you've done your part. Because they say, well, it may be tempting to take a principled stand and not vote. I know it could be tempting to take a principled stand and not vote. I know it could be tempting to take a principled stand on something you believe in. I know. Hey, listen, we go through it too at BuzzFeed. Sometimes we think, well, it's tempting to be principled. You know, for example, when an article comes in and they've completely slanted the facts and misquoted people, it might be tempting to do our job and say, come on, dude, we've all had that temptation to be

principled, but you have to resist that temptation. The facts are what they are. The general election will be between Trump and the eventual democratic nominee only buzzfeed knows that thanks buzzfeed i was oh okay was that how it works because i thought a third party was gonna come from the swamps and take over you don't get to go off the menu this is buzzfeed's really showing their hand here you don't get to go off the menu, buddy. You get two choices. Red pill and the blue pill. Biden. Say it with us. Biden. I know it's tempting to be all principled like a crazy person. The people who will be most harmed by your failure to vote against Trump are underprivileged people in minorities. Come on, vote Biden. You don't hate black people, do you? Oh, unless you hate black people

and the handicap. Come on, put it on the paper. Vote Biden. Or unless, of course, you do hate women and transgenders. Do you want to murder transgender people? Oh, my God. I'm glad you're going to vote for Biden because for a second there, I thought I was going to. I wouldn't want to have to write an article about how you're transphobic. I mean, I wouldn't want to have to expose the fact that you're a racist. There you go. Now, there it is.

Fall in line. Vote for Biden. Now, BuzzFeed can straight up suck my cock. You fucking losers. Anyone who works at BuzzFeed can eat my ass. And anyone who fucking reads BuzzFeed can swallow a fucking log of shit. That's how I feel about it. Now, I'll tell you who doesn't read BuzzFeed. Any one of the fucking dogs. Any one of our strong dogs that doesn't pay attention to this shit. Again, appreciate everyone who's listened to the boys cast. People have been sending me artwork. People have been sending me woodwork of my boys campaign. Ryan Long, 2020,

the first presidential candidate for the boys. And now since I am running for president as the first candidate for the boys, again, I don't care who you vote for, except for me, the first president for the boys. I don't have a dog in the race. This is what I do with my days. Most days, I make videos. So I'm either writing videos, shooting videos, or editing videos. Then at night, I go to a dark comedy club and I do that twice or three times a night. I stand on stage and I yell at strangers about sex. I make jokes about penises to a group of strangers in a dark dingy room. And then I yell into a microphone in a studio that I built in my coronavirus bunker. That's what I'm doing with my life.

But now I have a greater cause. I'm running as the first president, just exclusively for the boys. And I'm not saying I'm some expert on how the United States government works. I moved here five months ago, but I decided to do some research on my candidates. I watched the Bernie rally. I watched the Trump rally and I watched the Biden rally. Now the Biden rally, who gives a shit? He's just out there. He's telling everyone he's going to fight them.

Biden's literally like, I'm going to fight you. I'm going to fight you. I'm going to fight the economy if it starts going down. What would you do about coronavirus? Corona- what? You told me about fucking- what did coronavirus say about me? He's losing his mind. He's a hundred years old. Not interesting. Don't care. Not fun to me to talk about. Now, Bernie Sanders was fun to talk about for me. The rally is 90% chance. So most of the rally, it's wrestling. He says one thing. He goes, you know, healthcare is great. And they go, Bernie, we want healthcare.

So 90% of the thing is people chanting. It's a bunch of college kids, lots of chants, lots of cheers. He can barely get through a sentence because he goes we want more jobs for black people woo women woo Latinos woo it's that for 20 minutes

barely says anything and this is what my synopsis of Bernie was after watching the whole Bernie rally I came to the whole Bernie rally, I came to the conclusion that he was a little sneakier than I thought. Because I kind of considered Bernie Sanders to be like, I don't think I'd ever get fully on board with a fucking socialist or a communist, but I considered him somewhat principled and logically consistent, at least,

and from what I've seen. But after watching his rally i felt like he was very sneaky i felt like he was slithering around a little bit this is why he was doing every like slippery arguing tactic in the book he'd be like people should not be in jail for weed and you're like yeah i agree with that and he goes we should close the private prisons yeah and the green new deal's amazing yeah and you wait whoa what was the third one private prisons yeah and the green new deal is amazing yeah and you wait whoa what was the third one so he's very like everything was two things you agree with and one that was like really really radical he would always conflate two things right he would go the military he would talk about this

for like 10 minutes he goes this is the biggest budget in the world the military needs to be stopped we cannot be going into every country and he'd say these things that you kind of agree with and then you go and we're to take the money from the military and pay for the great new deal. And you're, and then you go, wait, whoa, whoa. How are those two things even, even connected? It's not like, that's not really how budgets work. It's kind of like how you're, you know, if you had a wife and you were like, you know, she's like, we need to save money right now. We got to stop going out every night. We've been going out like four nights a week and we need to stop eating dinner. And she goes, I agree.

I agree. We need to stop. We need to save money so we can pay for my purses. And you go, whoa, whoa, whoa. Those are two separate things. Let's discuss if we're spending too much money. And then secondary, it's a separate conversation of like whether we thought that you should buy a new purse. So Bernie's very much like, he's always like, save money on this.

And before you're done cheering, he's already spent the money on something else. He's always tricking you. We should not be killing people in the streets. And you're like, yeah, we shouldn't kill people in the streets. And what we should do with the energy that we've saved from not killing people

is take rich people's money and give it away. And you're like, well, you're just doing all these weird mental games. So that was the first thing that I thought was kind of slippery. The other thing was these stances that I've seen him take pretty tame stances on. Once he had the mic at his rally, he was taking the complete opposite. So I remember seeing Bernie Sanders on Rogan, and he was like, I don't know, he seemed all right. He was kind of going,

they go, what do you think of gun control? He goes, you know, I don't know if there's really an answer. This is a problem. There's a lot of shootings happening at schools, and we got to do something. So, you know, I think everyone could get on board that there needs to be something to be done

to stop these kids from getting shot at schools. I don't know what it is, but the answer is nothing. And you're like, whether you agree with it or not, you're like, this isn't a crazy person talking. And so that's what he said. And you go, okay, fair enough. That's his stance. And then I saw him at his rally. He goes, we are prying guns out of the hands of every man, woman, and child.

You won't be able to own a squirt gun when I'm done. He goes, you will see the most comprehensive gun regulation in the history of the United States. And I'm like, I just watched you like 30 days ago on Rogan being like, you know, nothing crazy. So you're like, okay. So you were pandering to whoever you're around at that time you're pandering to whoever you you know whoever you're around at that time you're

pandering to that's what i thought about bernie is i kind of thought i i kind of felt like it was gonna be the opposite where i was gonna watch him and then afterwards being like i kind of like this guy because i have a tendency to warm up to people when i like them and then i felt the opposite i kind of warmed up to it was like oh this guy's a fucking weasel politician like everybody else. The Trump rally is in, first of all, and if you're, if you think, if you got on board with liking Trump because you thought it was funny, completely get that. I get how in 2016, all the gamers were like, this is hilarious. You know, the people that are like, I just want to play video games now. I'm like a Trump guy. I get why it's funny when he calls Mike Bloomberg, Tiny Mike,

and then he goes, I had a few friends send that to me and say, yo, this guy kicks ass. Because it's funny. But his rally is insane. Like, I couldn't believe what I was watching. First of all, it's just, it's an hour straight of him patting himself on the back. He doesn't get anywhere near a policy. He doesn't mention nothing. The first 10 minutes are like, Hillary Clinton thought she beat me. I kicked her ass. And everyone's like, fuck Hillary. You're like, that was four years ago.

The second thing, he goes on. He goes, Joe Biden, this guy is retarded. He's just like calling people retarded. And then he'll keep saying things about like Bernie Sanders. He's gay. I don't know. Is he gay? Some people are calling him gay. I don't know if he's gay. He might be gay. He's just bringing stuff up. Lindsey Graham comes up. He goes, Lindsey Graham, this guy has the best opinions. Lindsey Graham gets on the mic. He goes, Donald Trump kicks fucking ass.

And then he goes, whew, he gets off the stage. He's bragging about the most ridiculous stuff. Trump gets on stage. He goes, the economy, we have the best economy. He goes, yesterday was the best day in the economy's history. Now, this was the day after. So basically what happened is the economy crashed. It went back up like 7%, which was a rebound from a big crash, which it is now much down from. Trump's bragging about a rebound day, like the economy's on fire. First of all,

the economy's fine, but the stock market is not doing good. And Trump goes, it literally dropped 10%. It went back up 4%. And he goes, it went up 4% yesterday. The fucking stock market is garrushing it. They don't like how good it's doing. And you're like, this guy is not giving a shit. You know, this is why you need to vote for the president for the boys. These guys are all fucking crazy. At least Trump's like, at least Trump's funny, but he's lying right and left. So even though Buzzfeed has a list for you for what you should do when you don't like any of the candidates, I have a better thing that you should do. Support the boys cast, the president for the boys. What you should do is take a screenshot of my podcast, post it on your Instagram, post it on

your Twitter. You should tell two of your friends, you should subscribe to my YouTube channel, and that's how you support the boys. I get how people have been so brainwashed. I was talking to this girl, super hot chick. She's Asian. Big fake titties. She goes, I can't believe this racist Uber driver I just had. I was in the Uber, and he comes up to me and he goes, hey, so where are you from originally? And I go, what?

And he goes, hey, where are you from? So this guy was, you know, probably not even white. And she goes, can you believe this racist asked me where i'm from i'm american and you're like okay first of all you brought up being asian like three times in this conversation so obviously it's a big part of your identity everyone it's a big you know it's a big part of everyone's identity where they're from most of my ethnic friends love talking about that you know especially immigrants when they get in a cab they're always first thing where are you from oh i'm from here like people love talking about that. You know, especially immigrants. When they get in a cab, they're always first thing, where are you from? Oh, I'm from here.

Like, people love talking about that. There's nothing racist about wanting to know someone's background and talk about it. A lot of people love talking about that. And then in the second sentence, she was literally, we're talking 10 minutes later, this chick goes, ugh, poor people just need to fuck off. How good is it, these fucking hot chicks,

slowly transitioning into being a woke chick? And I get it. The world said to you, if someone asks you where you're from, it's racist. So just so you know, when they say that, it's racist. I know that he's not, he doesn't think he's racist, but he is, and you need to be mad about it. Motive doesn't matter anymore. Actually, it's the only thing that matters. Motive is the most thing that matters. So no, this guy wasn't racist, but it is funny watching these people. You know, these people have to go against what they think. You know, she knows. She knows this guy's not being racist. She can probably look at him and see that, you know, he's just some Uber driver and he thinks he's making conversation, but you go, no. I know that my logical facilities are telling me this guy is not racist, but I think that he is. I've had that before. I remember I really liked South Park. And I remember thinking that South

Park, the musical, I wanted to go watch that because South Park is such a good show. I like South Park, the musical. I remember about 10 minutes in, I'm kind of like, yeah, this is really funny. And in my mind, I'm kind of feeling like I don't like it. And then afterwards,

like even when I left, I was kind of just like, but this doesn't make sense. I love South Park. Everyone's told me how great it is. Of course I love that musical. I think I told one person, they're like, how was it? I'm like, it was awesome. And I was like, that didn't feel right because I don't think I think that. This is what I eventually concluded. I'm just like,

yes, the musical's great. Fine. It's amazing. But at the end of the day, it's still, I'm still watching people sing and dance for an hour and a half. You know, I could have watched 20 minutes of that. But after, you know, an hour of watching these nerdy-ass drama students that probably weren't even South Park fans sing and dance, I was kind of like, at halftime, I'm like, yeah, probably could wrap this puppy up. But, you know, that's what happens when you have cognitive dissonance. Start a Brooklyn show.

And first of all, these Brooklyn people are pretty out of control. You hear about it and you go, no, there's not as crazy as you think. Some chick was telling me, she goes, her friend's an underground barber. That's what he does. He goes, you can't even find, you can't find him online.

You can't find him anywhere. You need to know a guy that know a guy. And then he comes to your house, you know, like it's a secret thing. So you go, Oh God, how do you know this barber? You don't know a secret handshake. He comes in, gives you a secret handshake. No talking comes into your house. It's a secret barber, hipster, secret hipster barber, his secret shears. And you're like, what is, what haircut does he give you? The same one everyone else has just the shaved sides top, know brooklyn haircut that i basically have how did that even start so this

guy's a barber and then he you know he doesn't want to work anywhere and he starts being like i'm rogue it's just ridiculous she should have said i'm a secret barber and you'd be like okay i'm pretty good on i'll find a barber that's not a psychopath how about that hey i'm gonna come to your house but you can't tell anyone yeah i'm going to go to a normal barber because you sound like a serial killer. This thing of having to believe things that you don't actually believe. Most of the woke kids all start, all the woke Brooklyn kids started out as nerdy improv dudes. They used to like Tim and Eric two years ago, five years ago. Five years ago, they loved Tim and Eric, which I liked too.

That's who they were into. And now, because of the woke thing, they have to convince Eric, which I like too. That's who they were into. And now because of the woke thing, they have to convince themselves that they like black comedy. So the Brooklyn woke scene is half hipsters. You know, they went to drama school and then have black guys doing like hood comedy, which is slowly there's the two are slowly molding together. But you watch these, you know, you watch these like hipster Brooklyn kids who probably never watched Def Jam ever. First of all, I like that shit. I love it.

I like the more terrible, the better. I watched the Cedric the Entertainer special and I'm just like this kicks ass because he's funny. Even though it's some of these jokes I'm watching and I'm like, this is bad. But I'm laughing still because I like it. I like a lot of shit that's bad that's still good because he's funny. They don't like it. If you're a Brooklyn hipster that went to art school, none of your favorite comedians were on Def Jam. I can pretty much guarantee you that. And if they are, you're pretending they are. It's like if you were into rap, your favorite rappers were Jurassic Five. So anyways, you're watching these people at this

woke Brooklyn show, pretending they like black shit. The black comedians are sort of getting a little more woke and the white comedians are sort of trying to add urban fucking slang to their dictionary, which is disgusting to watch. So the reason I'm bringing this up is I'm doing this woke Brooklyn show at the Knitting Factory and I'm talking to someone and they're talking about, you know, how, how it was moving to America.

And I was like, you know, this was one of the things that was annoying. And then eventually this blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they go, what does your therapist think about this? I go, what? And she goes, well, when you talk to your therapist about this, what do you, what do they say about all this stuff? And I go, yeah, I don't have a therapist. They go, oh, okay. Oh, I just thought you did. And I, and I was like, not embarrassed. And I go, oh, okay. Oh, I just thought you did. And I was like, not embarrassed. And I go, is that where we're at? I was in awe. I literally go, what?

What my, you assumed I have a therapist? Now moving here as a Canadian to steal all your podcasting jobs, I have a unique perspective on how Americans look at things. I've had a lot of people say to me, well, obviously it was easier for you to immigrate here because you're white. And I go, what do you mean by that?

Why would it be easier for me to immigrate here? Cause I'm white. And they go, well, it's just easier for white people. I go in which way, when I did my immigration package, I, I, you know, spent the money on the lawyer and paid the fee. And then I did my 10th, I think it was like a 800 page package about how all the stuff I've done in entertainment to why I'm an extraordinary alien from Canada. Why would it have been easier because I'm white? As opposed to a guy with brown skin doing the same package for which I know ton of them here, a comedian. Why would it be easier for me? Are you saying it's an easier for a Canadian as opposed to someone who lives in Bangladesh right now? Yeah, that might be possible, but they don't say that.

They say, because you're white, it's easier because you're white. I go, why? These applications get processed by government employees. So I go, do you think, what do you think's going on at these government offices? I guarantee you half the people at these government offices, which are in Washington most of the time, are very liberal. Half of them probably got their jobs under the Obama administration

in the last eight years. If you realistically look at when most people were hired, it was probably under the Obama administration, unless they've been there forever. And you go go you think they went through my package and they go okay ryan he's been on mtv he's had a bunch of tv shows he's white okay so check that box and then they pick it up they go uh okay here dan patel next in the trash hey jimmy fucking patel thinks he's gonna get into america Oh tell Patel he can suck our fat dicks

Hey You wanna go for a fucking break Buna immigration officer is fucking awesome I fucking love my job Do you think he does that He says oh Ryan Long Yes sir And then he sees

Dan Chang He's the star of a television show in Canada. Next! You can suck my fat dick, Dick Chang. How about that, Chang? How about this, Chang and Patel? I'm going to Patel you that you're not coming into our country. You guys can hit the bricks.

And then what do we got here? A white person. What have they done? They've actually never done anything. They're just an open mic. Get the fuck in here. Get in here. Get in our country.

Get the hell in here. Oh, here we got. Okay, let's do the science aspects of it. Okay, so science. This guy actually invented the cure for HIV. And he wants to move to America so he can work at the top science lab. He's been sponsored by the, one of the top labs in New York city. And he wants to move here from Toronto, Canada. Uh, what's his last name? I don't want to tell you this, but it's also Chang. Tony,

fire up the paper shredder. Get that fucking shredded. What did this guy do he just graduated and he's a he's a white guy he actually just get him in here he's never done anything oh get him the fuck in here that's how it works at the washington immigration center where people have to go through 10 000 page packages and decide whether you're an extraordinary alien. And then you go through meetings. And obviously the first question was, sir, are you a racist white person? I said, oh yes. Do you support our president like a good white person? You know what?

When I had these meetings, two of the people had turbans on and I'm not kidding. The last person that I talked to, when I finally got my package approved, my written package approved, I had to do a meeting with an immigration officer. Now that immigration officer, this was about a two hour meeting. And this is the last thing where they find out, they go, do you have enough money to support yourself when you

get here? Do you actually have the jobs lined up that you said you have lined up? All of that sort of things. You know, are you not going to be a drain on our welfare system? Now, that person was wearing a turban. So is he racist? Or is this system just so racist that even he's racist? You guys are morons. You don't know what you're talking about. It's like, and they actually think this. This isn't one person that said this is to me.

This is like 40 people that said this to me. Okay, I got to get out of here soon. But the boys have been sending in some pretty funny stuff. Alex B. Ron sent in an article. It was the Consent Academy. So there's an academy on Facebook. It's called the Consent Academy. So basically they hold online discussion groups for men

where a bunch of guys just go in there and they talk about how consent is so great. I i love getting consent yo when you fuck do your consent yo i love getting consent have you ever done it without consent no no no no what what's your what are your what are your tactics for asking for consent i usually say will you oh really i say can you you know they talk about that sort of stuff. Is there anything that seems more like you're a rapist than starting a consent academy? Hey, what does your new boyfriend do? He actually, he runs a consent academy. It's like you're going there.

It's like, I love consent so much. I actually run an academy about consent. All my friends are in my consent academy. And you're like, you have raped people for sure. Literally, the type of person that joins a consent academy and you're like you have raped people for sure literally the type of person that joins a consent academy hey have you ever why would you do that if you don't think that you've done something wrong is there anything more guilty than like you're at a guy's house and you're going through you know as girls do digging through his stuff and you open up his

drawer and there's a membership to a consent academy. And you go, hey, what's this? Are you in a consent academy? And you're like, that's how much I love consent. You're like, yeah, okay, a little weird. I don't think any girl would like looking on the side of the bed and seeing a, hey, what are you, I just saw these papers.

It's just a list of how to get consent. What is that? And you go, I am such a feminist. Me and the boys. Me and my dogs. Instead of listening to the boys guys with Ryan Long, we get together and we talk about how consent is so great. That's what me and my boys do.

It's an all-male consent class. So thank you for sending that in because it was really funny. And even funnier than that it said being sex positive does not mean you need to have sex so you could be a person that's never had sex ever and you are sex positive i love i am so for people just fucking 10 000 men on four orgies i think they're the best in the world i think that everyone's mouth should be full of cum at all times i think if a girl's mouth is not full of cum i think she's that's her god-given right to have a gargling a mouth full of cum when was the last time you had sex i'm a virgin but those are my beliefs okay so that's what they think i'm you know you don't need to go too far into the consent

academy to be like yeah there's a load of fucking nonsense anyways i'm in the process of making merch i'm gonna put a bunch of designs up you guys can tell me which ones you like i feel like it's funny to say that you're boys sexual which means you hang out with the boys instead of having sex with your girl what's your sexuality i'm boy sexual what does that mean it means that on saturdays when my girl wants me to hang out, I would try to go out with the boys instead. That was making me laugh. If you follow all my videos, at Ryan Long Comedy, I have one of my best coming out Monday.

You know, I'm pretty big on making fun of comedy that sucks. I'm a bit of a purist. I'm a hipster when it comes to that shit. I'm the first one to admit it. I'm the fucking guy sitting at the back of the class saying, that sucks. Listen, I get it. This video coming out Monday, probably one

of my favorites, and it's one of those ones that I showed a few people, and everyone was like, yeah, that fucking kind of rules. So I'm feeling pretty good about this one coming out Monday. Hey, did I let you down last week with the gay video? I'm not going to play it on this podcast because I think you need to see the visuals more than just the audio.

Tell the friends. It's honestly been helping. I honestly feel like I should just show you guys the numbers to be like, right? This is something that everyone's helping me to build, which is fucking sick. Yo, the Boyz Cats with Ryan Long. Thank you for listening. We will see

you next week. Peace.