The Boyscast with Ryan Long - Ep 7 - The Stupidest Corona Virus Hot Takes

Episode Date: March 26, 2020

legitimate articles by real publications had this to say about The Corona Virus - Tell your friends about The Boyscast  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And you can tell our friends, and they can have my things when we're dead. But we gonna live forever. But we gonna live forever. Coronavirus, Corona tried this, Corona tied this, to the boys cast, get an ass. Smash a pass on your mom's fat ass, rum and ass with ass. We're back with the boys cast, Big, big week for lazy people. Woo! Big week for the community?

The lazy community? Just sitting on their fucking ass? Eating Cheetos? Getting to be a hero? Hey, oh my, look at you guys going outside. You should be like me. Sit on your fucking fat ass. If anything, the boys are cruising more than ever

i'm learning new programs i got obs studio kicking i'm writing scripts i'm editing we're out here and then at night maybe i'm fucking getting into liquor is it possible that the kid's down in a few by the way mandatory stand-up break has proven to me once and for all this stand-up comedy for sure ruined my life they're just on the other day on saturday night just like i was hanging out during the day and then we just i just sort of we was watching tv i'm drinking i'm just having fun at the house and i did that a couple nights in a row and you're like wait a second there's an alternative to sit in a stuffy room with a bunch of fucking losers telling them my jokes but i'm like no my jokes my jokes it's very important that ruled stand-up sucks you you kind of realize that

you slowly ruined your life i'll tell you how many stand-ups have been sitting on the internet too being like oh my god like if you could just begging for change if you could donate to my go fund me i need cash you know i'm not gonna make any money this year. And you're like, you weren't gonna make any money anyway. You were gonna make $2,500 cash tops. And you're like, donate me because I lost my one gig in late May, four hours outside of Jersey. And it was gonna cost me twice as much to get out there because I was actually just doing a feature spot and I wasn't getting paid, but I was gonna pay for gas. I was actually just doing a feature spot and I wasn't getting paid, but I was going to pay for gas. Please help me.

I'll tell you what. I don't care. I'm not here to be happy. I'm here to be fucking culturally relevant for the boys, okay? That's a myth. People will say that. You got to be happy. It's about being happy.

Now, this is what you need. There's about five things that you need in life and you want those or those are inputs that are going to allow you to do the things you want to do maybe the inputs are pussy food you know you probably need health and happiness is one of those if you're sitting at home all depressed like oh you know i had to miss the boys cast this is the worst i can't believe what i'm going through right now i'm'm a girl. I can't just that. I'm a girl. Oh, I'm depressed. I'm a girl. Can you believe this? That's one of the things. And if that's you, then you're not going to be able to do the things you need to do. Happiness is one of

those variables. If you want to be a machine like the dog, purpose of life isn't to be happy. It's ridiculous. That's like saying the purpose of life is to give good food. It's just one of the inputs that you need. The purpose in life is getting a good dog. I mean, if you're one of the chicks out there, fucking one of the boys, then maybe the good dog's going to give you some purpose. The fucking good schlonger and the good health of the boys. The boys are healthy. They can run six minute miles. These girls don't get us. We're running six minute miles. And what are we getting from that? Well, our non-boys brethrens are sitting at home eating cheetos off their fat fucking stomachs and telling other people how to live their life every single person on in the world right now is using this as i told you so and no matter what people think everyone's like i told you so

how many people are like trump did this and that's what happens when trump and trump and trump and you're like okay and then the other people that's like this is what happens when you have don't have closed the borders and everyone goes i told you the economy was a bubble i've been saying this for 45 years there was people on the internet literally saying they go that's just what happens when there's a pandemic i've been saying for 25 years there's gonna be pandemic. This guy was like using his told you. So it was like, he's been saying there's a pandemic. It's like, if you, if you're 25 years, your timeline, it's not a prediction. Okay. That's not a prediction when 25 years to your timeline, it's like you have, you see a couple and they're

together and they're happy. And you're like, I have a feeling those guys are going to go through a bit of a rough patch in the next 30 years. you're like yeah probably so your prediction was in 30 years there might be a pandemic there's been one every 15 years this one was worse and you're like i picture i said that one of them would be worse well you'd have three more pandemics and chances are one of them would be worse so yeah that's not really anything or the worst you know these crappy takes this is the earth retaliating because humans are the problem or racism caused this because there wasn't enough trans bakers this is the kind of takes that we were getting and i've scoured the internet for just the crappiest takes i've watched so many people just post this shit online where they go this is my take on coronavirus and you're like

jesus how did you even come up with that? Some of the takes these blogs are fucking releasing, you're like, Jesus Christ, dude. You have bad, hot takes. And I'll tell you my I told you so. My I told you so. And by the way, I'm not saying I'm better than them. I've been walking around telling everyone I told you so for everything. I'm like, I told you that's what happens if five girls don't suck my dick at night.

I've been saying this. If the boys aren't getting their allotted pussy, then the earth retaliates. I've been putting everyone else's philosophies together to create my one, my monster philosophy for our monster dongs. I think the real I told you so here is that all of the people that are yelling at everyone being like, you need to stay in your house more. No one's taking this seriously. I think you can say a real conclusion where you're just like, yeah, well, that's what happens when the media lies to you for the last fucking 20 years.

When no one trusts you, and even with the coronavirus coverage, we're watching when the fucking reporter goes to Trump, he goes, you're racist for calling it China virus. And he goes, well, they're trying to say it was from America. no so we're gonna be calling the China virus and there's a million viruses called that they kept out that part and they just kept putting the clip of being like Trump's racist like reporter pones Trump and you're like that's not what happened even in the slightest and then you know and now they're like stay in your house and why doesn't anyone listen to us because you've been lying to everyone for the 50th time you You even said, even with the masks, they had like a shortage of masks.

So they go, everyone needs to stop buying the masks because they don't even work for real people. And you're like, yeah, they do. Of course they do. But you wanted people to stop buying them. So you're like, oh, we'll tell people to lie so we can get what they want. But people are sick of your lies. And that's why they listen to the fucking boys cast instead of whatever the fuck slop you're trying to feed them. I mean, no one has any integrity.

I'm watching everyone change their views right and left. What was the funny joke I heard I said? What does it take to turn a libertarian into a communist? Apparently $1,000. So that's what you're seeing out there right now. Well, the fucking all the liberals that are like all super for closing your borders right now. People just are flipping and flopping right and left. Just like when the 9-11 people,

the freedom Americans, like, freedom! And then they're like, we're taking every, we're gonna make it so you can't go to an airport without us putting you on the ground and having sex with you. We actually put all the tools on our dick and shove them up your ass because that's the only way we can check for bombs,

even though you're a normal person. We're gonna tap your phone lines and you're like, that seems about right. You see the most person that's like, everyone should be in our country is like, build that wall. People are flipping, people are flopping. People are flipping, people are flopping as they one by one strip your freedoms away. How big would it be if Trump came out and he goes, listen, we need to, unfortunately, because of the coronavirus, we are going to take away certain freedoms. You know, I hope no one has a problem with this. First of all, we need to, unfortunately, because of the coronavirus, we are going to take away certain freedoms. I hope no one has a problem with this.

First of all, we will be taking away the woman's right to vote. I know, it's just, it's coronavirus, and they only take away freedoms like that. We have found that women, unfortunately, have been transmitting the virus at a higher rate through speaking. So we will be putting a ban on women talking between the hours of nine and five. The technical term is called squawking. So we will be putting a temporary ban on women talking back to their husbands.

Listen, it's just coronavirus related. Every woman needs to stay in the kitchen. Every woman is going to have to stay in the kitchen right now. If you need something, send the man out there. He can get that. If he wants to get some pussy on the side, we are going to allow to stay in the kitchen right now. If you need something, send the man out there. He can get that. If he wants to get some pussy on the side, we are going to allow that because in this trying time, we all need to come together. We will be mandating that no women will be allowed to talk

to their annoying gay friends that have been giving them bad advice. I know this is just something. It's coronavirus times. It's dire circumstance. Any woman that has an annoying gay friend that's been giving their bad advice, like, he should be pleasuring you more. He should be having sex with you nine times a day. That gay friend is now, unfortunately, yes, you're not allowed to talk to him. The phone lines,

this has been spreading. Certain freedoms have just been cracked down on. So, we're taking away the right for, uh, separate, we're gonna go on back to separate water fountains for, whoa, whoa, whoa! Just because of, going back to separate water fountains, but it's for the germs come back to separate water fountains but it's for the germs whoa whoa whoa jesus christ out here we will be giving everyone a thousand dollars uh girls checks will only be seven hundred dollars because as you said you've been making less money

so we're just giving everyone what they've already been making and then watch the girls be like wait no we haven't been making less money no i have it right here in writing you said there's a wage gap girls have been making less money so here is I have it right here in writing. You said there's a wage gap. Girls have been making less money. So here is your $700. And every guy gets $1,000. We're just keeping things even. We're getting the economy back on. But we've been making the same money. Because I've been looking.

Doesn't seem like what you've been saying. Without further ado, the worst hot takes on the internet. They're a blogger. And this is what you've decided to write. This piece comes from Vice. Now, Vice, you guys out there might know Vice as the magazine that probably had the largest going from cool to the lamest piece of shit in the world in a pretty short period of time. Like, Vice was a pretty sick magazine. Their downfall started a little bit when they stopped doing cool articles and they kind of just started doing like, I went to Russia and smoked crack with a crocodile.

That was kind of the start of their demise. And then when they really got hard into like the woke shit, it was like they got real off the rails with being lame. So Vice says, this is Vice's take on the coronavirus. Maybe if you just lost your job, you know what I mean? You're stuck with your girl at home. And this is what Vice's take is. Coronavirus has shown that life-saving trans surgeries are considered non-essential. They're not. So they're not life-saving surgeries. I mean, first of all, out of the gate, I'm sure there's thousands of surgeries that have been postponed. You literally have a million people in hospitals right now.

They're trying to find room for it. And then Vice's take is that, like, no, no, no. Coronavirus people should have to sit on the back burner while you get your dick cut off. And I'm not saying you shouldn't get your dick cut off. If you need to get your dick cut off, listen, sometimes dick's got to go. Maybe you aren't allowed to listen to boys cast and you're transitioning to a man. That's a perfectly reasonable way to watch, to listen to the boys cast. So I'm not saying by any means that you shouldn't transition to a boy

to be one of the boys. So then you can listen to the boys guys. That's a very reasonable thing. You will want to get the testosterone going when you're transitioning to a man, because I do believe that is one of the things that triggers the electric shocks to stop, is the testosterone in your ears. But what would you like hospitals to do? This has shown that life-saving trans surgeries are non-essential. Life-saving. I'm going to die.

What are you going to die? I'm not actually going to die, but I'm like, I'm dying. What do you need? If you cut my dick off, that'll save my life. And what happens if we don't? I'll be alive, but I'll be dead. I'm going to be dead. And you're like, why are you going to die? Okay. Oh, cause I'm going to commit suicide. Okay. So you're not going to die. I might say that if my girl was going to get a boob job and I say, if you don't give my girl the boob job, if I don't get to motorboat the titties, then I was going to get a boob job. And I say, if you don't give my girl the boob job, if I don't get to motorboat the titties, then I'm going to kill myself.

I'll die. So this is a life-saving. I can say my girl's titty surgery is life-saving for me, the way that you just turned into a trans person, and you need your fake titties. So both of those are life-saving. Because if I don't get those titties, if I don't get those sweet titties that I've already paid for, then I'll be in just as much hot water and I'm going

to commit suicide as a protest for my love for the titties. So, I mean, really, if your take on the, if your take on the coronavirus is that this proves that we're mean to trans people, you are a crazy person. And yeah, no shit. It sucks. But there's a lot of shit that sucks. And this is pretty low on the scale. Even if you wrote an article that says this sucks, my experience wanting to having to get my trans surgery postponed. And you're like, oh, I've fucking planned this three weeks to, you know, to transition. I was going to, I was going to take off work. I was going to have that time off. All that stuff.

If you want to write a book about how it sucks or if you have a blog, but that's not what you're saying. If you're making a political point that this is a problem that we need to fix, well, no. Then you're being an asshole. I was all prepped to have this surgery

and they took it away from me is what the gist of this article is. And you're like, so you could just pick a random thing though, that it would inconvenience because it would inconvenience anything. You know, if you're about to get knee surgery, cause you've been on your knees with one of the boys, maybe you're with one of the boys and you've been on your knees a lot. And you, and there's like, listen, we got to postpone your knee surgery. And you go, this is proof that society discriminates against people with knee problems. Pick any surgery that got canceled. You're just,

yes, it affected yours. And it also affected a million others. Many patients already battle with insurance companies over which procedures are considered medically necessary. You know, what the funny is that so with their argument here is they're basically saying, not only we've already had to argue with our insurance company to prove that this is essential, now we're going to have to argue with the government here. And you're like, if I was you, wouldn't this just be a time to shut up? Because here's the truth. It's obviously not life or death, this surgery.

No, of course it's not. We all know that. But you do really want it and you do really need it. So then that's fine. And some of you have been able to convince your medical insurance provider to pay for it under the guise that you need it or you're going to die. But you're not. So in this scenario where people actually are going to die and you're going to go

and your argument is going to be like, mine's life-changing. And we actually have to have that debate of whether it is life changing or not. That's actually worse for you. Because before it's like everyone could kind of agree on a social justice level, be like, you need it. It's not something that's optional. When it actually affects everyone else's lives, when it's like, okay, so coronavirus people are going to have to move because this is life changing. Everyone's going to be like, no, it's not. And they go, well, it is medically. It's like, like well then let's change that because it's not and you're gonna be like this would have been a time for you to just take the win the fact that

your search your companies are gonna pay for this and they've classified it like that you're already winning and now all you're gonna do is force everyone to like re-evaluate the actual position because people don't like things people are willing to argue people are willing to get on board with your thing until it actually starts fucking up everyone else's thing. It's kind of like everyone in Canada right now. You see the change and because the natives, um, cause natives are always like protesting tons of stuff. And right now they're doing a protest or I don't know what's happening with the Corona, but they were basically, they were, they just went on all the train tracks and they said, we're going to end the subways. And they said, we're going to go on

the tracks and prevent the subways and the trains from from doing anything and everyone's kind of like yeah those poor natives like we need to help them more and then when they started protesting the subways so basically the subway stopped running and everyone's kind of late for work and they're like okay i have to go to i have to take can't take the train anymore so i have to like take an uber a hundred dollar uber to toronto because'm commuting. And then they're like, who left these fucking Indians on the tracks? It happens pretty quickly when you start messing with other people's thing that they're like, well, let's actually do the math here. A lot of times girls will be like, you know, I'm so nice to you. I do everything for you. And you go, yeah, okay. You kind of just say it. They go, you know, you have the best deal and blah, blah, blah. And

usually that everyone just says, okay, girls, you know, she's the best. You know, you just sort of, you just sort of go along with it. But a lot of times when you're mad or when there's an actual catastrophe, like something's going with you and she goes, I do everything for you. And you're like, you know what? Let's actually boil it down. Who does what for who I do this for you. I do this for you. Let's actually put the numbers there. What do you do? You're like, Oh, um, I'm just nice to you when I make you dinner sometimes. And you're like, okay, well I pay for more things and way more things. So maybe if you actually, a lot of times you don't want to actually run the numbers. And trans people here, you don't want to actually run the numbers on whether or not it's life-changing. This would have been time for the trans people to be like,

yeah, let's just like step aside on this one and we'll come back and like start pushing our thing hard again. Let's not start saying that coronavirus should be, uh, coronavirus patients should be sitting on the back burner while we get this trans surgeries. So a trans woman in New York has been recovering for a vaginoplasty. That is my immaturity guys, but vaginoplasty is always going to make me laugh. Vaginoplasty is always going to make me laugh. Vaginoplasty. I know a girl that I was sort of dating. It's like a super tattooed, like, suicide girl type, and she got vaginoplasty.

And I used to always say that. I said, do you think the doctors ever have fun with vaginoplasty, where they do things like, you know, take the vaginal lips, put them on their lips, and say, look, I'm a black guy. Stuff like that. So that's a fun one I used to do on stage. But she's been recovering from a vaginoplasty for three weeks and says that social distancing has affected her care schedule. Friends who sign up for meal trains, that's when a bunch of her friends come and they just fucking give her a train while she's eating. And I've been dealing with all kinds of problems. Like for example, the person who was supposed to bring me dinner tonight canceled. You know, a lot of people have died. A lot of people have died. This is, can you believe how transphobic the government is? I was the, my buddy who was supposed to bring me dinner canceled. Well, I don't, that sucks that your buddy canceled.

You can still order food. You can order food still. I ordered a pizza yesterday. Why can't you order pizza? So you're sitting there. This is someone who's recovering from their surgery. And they were like, not only did people's surgeries got canceled, but my friend didn't bring me dinner when he proposed. I was supposed to get a shawarma and they didn't bring it. Thanks, transphobes. And the best part about this article is not even this article. The best part is that Vice magazine wrote this article that says, you know, the problem with coronavirus is it's transphobic because the trans people can't do their surgeries because of the coronavirus problems.

Now, Vice magazine did an article the same day. What to do if you live with someone who isn't taking coronavirus seriously. Do you mean your last article? Which is it? Should coronavirus patients have their coronavirus treatments moved to the side so trans people can get their trans surgeries? Or is corona a big deal that we all need to do everything for? Now, I've been slowly noticing that all the people that used to be social justice people on the internet are all the nerds that are telling you what to do about coronavirus. And did I not, I've not been saying

for the last three articles, it's like, look at the nerds that are doing that. All the people that were telling you, you know, this is why you need to not say mean words online. These are the same people that are being like, everyone needs to distance himself and they're trying to be militant about that. They found a new thing.

And Alex Byron, actually, he said a term on his podcast. He called it social distance warriors. And I was like, that's pretty funny. And does this not read exactly like what to do if you're living with a racist? What to do if you catch your roommate on the internet not looking at one of the sites you're allowed to look at? What do you do if you're living with someone that happened to have different politics than you?

What do you do if your roommate makes dirty jokes? This is the kind of stuff that they've released 10,000 times. And now they've literally replaced it with what to do if someone isn't taking Corona seriously. The same day they argue that trans people should be getting hospital beds over corona patients now it's time for roommates and partners to stop pretending that proceeding germally through life is totally cool and fine how much does this read exactly like their other art it's time to it's time to stop pretending that it's okay to say race jokes. If you're trapped in with someone, you're in, you know, in Wuhan, I think they had 400 divorces immediately when they released them. They welded their doors together.

If you're living with your girl, you got a roommate that maybe you don't get along with. You are probably at each other's throats to no end. You have a girl. She just started to learn guitar. Something annoying like that. You know, you're sitting there. She's like, I'm going to take up guitar. other's throats to no end you have a girl she just started to learn guitar something annoying like that you're you know you're sitting there she's like i'm gonna take up guitar you're trying to sleep and you hear her in the other room singing sublime songs love is what i got and you're just sitting there like yeah no i don't yeah no this is gonna be great let's do another

three months of this actually no i hope they extend it because this is phenomenal maybe you're a comedian and your girl's saying we should do sketches together and you're like well you don't do sketches like I think I'm funny though and you're saying yeah I know for sure let's let's wait this out maybe do a month see how that goes and if it gets worse then maybe maybe if it gets that dire me and you will start doing some sketches together maybe she's just saying what are we doing you know we should what are we doing she's just saying, what are we doing? You know, we should, what are we doing? She's just taking this time

to ask you questions about your future. Like, I feel like we're not connecting enough. And you say, yeah, okay, let's slot in some time for us to connect better.

That's honestly, you're just coming up with such good ideas. This would be a great time where you're already at each other's throats because you're spending way too much time together.

This would be a great time to start nitpicking this is literally an article on how to nitpick someone you live with well guess what vice i don't think this is a great time to start nitpicking this is a great time to actually try to let things go or you're gonna end up punching each other out are you gonna end up killing each other? And it goes, stop sharing personal household items immediately. This includes dishes, drink wares, eating utensils, towels, and bedding. It's just, they're literally, they want you to be at war in your own house. This is the same when they go, you need to call out sexism, even on your dad at family gatherings, even your grandfather. If he says

a joke or votes the way that you don't want to, you need to ruin your family gathering by yelling at him. You're like, you're in a house trapped in with people that is going to be a nightmare. What you need to do if someone uses your glass, uh, sorry, that is my glass. Do not, do not take a drink with my glass. Be like, I washed it. I don't care. I'm trying to line down the center of the house. Don't even touch my things. Oh, can I play your video games? No, I don't care. I'm trying to line down the center of the house. Don't even touch my things. Oh, can I play your video games? No, I don't want your hands on my controller. This is not how you should be handling coronavirus. This is the next one. Stay in your room. Yeah, that's what you should do. Stay in your room for the next four weeks. Yes, you probably want to

know if they're licking the remote control. They're not licking the remote control. It's best to just assume they're licking the remote control at this point and wipe it down accordingly. It's best to assume that your roommate is licking the remote control and treat him accordingly. But trans people need to be pushing coronavirus patients out of beds to get their surgery. You people are cooked. You're fucking cooked over advice, buddy. He goes, I think we should pretend as though you're infected. Just treat your girlfriend like she's infected. She comes out, you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm not corrected. Yeah, I'm going to assume you are. I'm going to assume you're bugged up, honey. You bugged up to start. You should stop hanging out in the living room or the kitchen

for the foreseeable future. Sit in your room, turn the lights off, sit in the dark, cross-legged in the middle of the room for 16 hours a day. That's what you should do. This is maybe the worst piece of advice I've ever seen in my life. Just the worst take, the worst piece of advice. And first of all, vice specifically, everyone who listens to your, everyone who reads your blogs depressed because they've been listening to you, your garbage advice and has been ruining their life. And now you're like, Hey, take your depressed ass. Don't interact with any of the people in your house. Sit in your room, lock the door, put the lights off. That's good. There, there, you got it. The third worst take that I've seen on the coronavirus. The coronavirus is a nightmare

with people with eating disorders. I even, I'm going to tell you right now, for me, anorexia is the best way to lose weight. And I'm not even kidding. Hey, I'm not saying you should do it. I'm just saying what works for me. If ever I get, if I start to get too chubby, maybe I got a girl, and it starts to get too chubby, and I put on like 20 pounds, I'm huge into the three-week diet plan where I just go like, I'll eat literally a chicken Caesar salad at lunch,

and that's it. Just dizzy all day long. Fucking stand-up shows. I'm almost falling down in the mic, and everyone's like, what are you doing? I'm like, the most efficient weight loss plan I plan of ever I treat it like I'm a boxer training for a weigh-in and then I do that and honestly I'll lose like 20 pounds and then I'll creep up over the next six months and then bam I go hard again I think you should stay in shape too

but if you do fine you're like fuck for me doing things in moderation where I'm like oh I'll just eat 100 calories less a day that doesn't work for the kid I'm all in if in moderation where I'm like, I'll just eat 100 calories less a day. That doesn't work for the kid. I'm all in. If I'm drinking, I'm fucking drinking. Don't drink every day, but when I do. And that was the same for these other ones. So that I see on those ones. I mean, listen, I'm not saying maybe girls aren't good being anorexic because they can't handle the technique.

But for me, it's a big technique. But for coronavirus, again, this just goes back to if you think the biggest problem for coronavirus or even one of the problems to be discussed is that people with eating disorders, as the way it says, my recovery and the recovery from safety for millions of people with eating disorders is being tested. On one particular day, I even worked out at home for far too long and ate far too little. You know,

I know that there's wars going on all over the world right now. You know, there's different tribes killing each other. There's genocides currently happening. The Federal Reserve

is printing your, printing money and devaluating your currencies and giving it to the banks to loan out at whatever the fuck rates they want to. People are losing their businesses. Anyone working in the service industry is now unemployed. You know what the biggest problem in the world is? You worked out for too long and you ate far too little.

You think that this would be a time when people say, you know what, maybe my little problems that I was worrying about actually aren't so big. You know the fact that I'm addicted to food? Everyone likes food. The fact that, you know, you're like, fuck, I can't control my cookie intake. I work out too hard. I'm a bit of a workout addict. That's the real problem. None of this other stuff.

Oh, you're trying to support a family of five on your construction working job and now you're unemployed. I worked out too long today and I ate far too little. I know, I know. We are one in the same. There's constant talk about food.

Restaurants are closing. food. Restaurants are closing. This is how, this is what happens when you even, you read in the news and it says another restaurant closed. Another person's family is out of business. 20 people just lost their jobs. And you say, wow, inconsiderate much. You're going to talk about restaurants when you know that I worked out for far too long today and I didn't eat enough? And you're going to bring up restaurants? You're going to bring up the keg steakhouse when I just did 30 burpees and I'm probably only capable of doing 20?

This is just disgusting. Grocery stores are struggling to keep food in stock. You're going to tell me that you don't have enough food when you know that I don't eat enough food because I need everyone to think I'm hot? An estimated one in 10 people in the United States have eating disorders, though many experts believe the number is much higher. I love that because it's just an argument that proves that you don't understand how statistics that work. So if you ask a hundred experts and you take the average of those numbers

and you say one in 10 people have an eating disorder and you go, a lot of experts thought it was higher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And a lot thought it was lower. So that's why the stats one in 10. You can literally do that with any stat where they asked a bunch of experts. That talks less

about eating disorders and more about your inability to understand how stats work some believe the much is the number is much higher yeah and that was probably factored into how you came to the actual number and they say i think it's very hard to maintain that kind of recovery when it feels like the world is ending she says some part of me is like why do i even do this why do i even work on my recovery is what she's saying. Well, maybe how you could take that is when it feels like the word is ending, you might say, why do I even do this? Why do I starve myself and puke to look hot? That would be the take. Cause your problem is that you're starving yourself because you want

to look skinnier. So maybe when you say, why is the, when the world's ending, why am I stopping puking? Maybe when you're saying the world's ending should be perspective of why am I still puking? The world's ending. You're in there, you're in there puking. You go, you eat a meal and you pig it out and you're cause you need, you think you look disgusting. You're sitting in your house. You're not, if you're listening to fucking these articles, you're sitting in your room, you're not, if you're listening to fucking these articles, you're sitting in your room. You're not even talking to anyone, you know? And you're puking and you go, actually, I need to stop puking.

Why am I even stopping? You're like, why are you even doing it in the first place? If you think the world's ending, what do you care about making sure you're extra skinny? Wouldn't that give some of the perspective on that? Why am I even doing this? Why are, yeah, why are you trying to look hot? Why are you trying to look skinny? Why would your body dysmorphia even matter if you think the world's ending? The way that these people twist it, just a complete opposite. It's so funny. They say, I don't like to have food in my house and now I have to stockpile food. No, you don't.

Stores are open. Who told people this? Where did this come from? The stockpiling. Stores are open. I went for a run today outside my house. And I drove by Trader Joe's is open. The convenience store is open.

The Swarma place is open. I need to stockpile food. You don't, though. You don't need to stockpile food you don't though you don't need to stockpile food everything's still open until until they announce grocery stores are going to close you don't need to stockpile food if you are the type of moron that's like i need to buy every peanut in the fucking trader joe's and i did lifetime supply of peanuts because i'm going to be trapped in my place it's so funny to hear this because you go on the news it's all like no one's especially in New York they shut down the city

you're not supposed to leave your house and you walk outside everyone is walking around the grocery store is open like you're like why do I need a stockpile food the bodega under my house is still opening worst case scenario I eat bodega food for the next eight months which honest to god wouldn't be fine i get breakfast at the bodega i don't know i get i eat burgers and stuff so not maybe not ideal but that's no we're not dying that's the worst case stores are still open and if you don't live in the city you don't have to walk there you take a car you're not even getting in contact with anyone to go do pickup at a restaurant and they say but the particular the particular horror of coronavirus is that all of this is happening the isolation the pasta the

virtual therapy sessions the pasta now i'd say this is the best sentence to describe the most like when people talk about privilege this is a rich chick with no problems so everyone's like people that actually do things like run businesses they're running to the ground you know people are losing thousands and thousands of dollars not normal people you know people with more money are losing hundreds of thousands of dollars this is a huge problem and you are saying the horror this is what describes the horror for you. The isolation. Isolation sucks.

The horror. The pasta. The pasta. The horror. The horror of the pasta that I have to eat today. I can't believe the horrors. That was the horror of the Great Depression was the pasta. I mean, I wouldn't want to eat pasta three meals a day, but if I was watching a horror movie and it was, what do they

call him? The pasta, pasta man. What does he do? He breaks into your house and he makes you eat pasta for three square meals a day. What kind? Fettuccine, linguine. this is pasta man. It's a horror show. A horror show. You're eating pasta? The virtual therapy sessions kill me. I have to do my therapy online? Right now, I think all the boys should do a moment of silence for everyone had to go to their therapist online.

What are you even talking about with your therapist? You're just sitting at home. I know what most New York people talk to their therapist online what are you even talking about with your therapist you're just sitting at home what i know most new york people talk to their therapist about they're bad you know they go and fuck a bunch of dudes and they don't have a boyfriend that cares about them because they're you know they're partying and living some crappy life and then they go to have to talk to the therapist like i don't know what to do i just like i can't like i don't i can't seem to stick with a guy i'm doing all these toxic behaviors right now. You're sitting in your house, watching TV, eating ice cream, like a pig and your problem. What do you even need to talk to your therapist about today? And today I need you to get this sorted out for me. What happened?

I can't decide between wearing track bands or jeans. You don't need a therapist right now. How about that? Just fucking take the time off. Just chill. You're not doing anything anyway. Take a vacation. Watch some fucking tiger boss or whatever. Watch some tiger guy, whatever the fuck that's called. Now that was the third worst take. My next take on the coronavirus is even better. So this is an article that comes from Cut Magazine. I hope Cut Magazine is all uncircumcised, guys. They just talk about being cut. You know, it's fucking sick, right?

You know, being cut's wicked. And that's all the articles, but it's not. So this is what this article says. This article says, what it's like to be poly in isolation. You know, none of these articles from any of these places talk about what to do when you're, you feel like your, you know, portfolio is crashing and that was your retirement state retirement plan. But they've talked about what it's like, you know, how this affects trans people. They say, what does it eating disorders?

They've given you some advice on overreacting. people. They say, what is it? Eating disorders. They've given you some advice on overreacting. Now, most of all, the traumas that you must be dealing with, what it's like to be poly in isolation. Now, this is a first person article written from a guy that is living with his girlfriend and his girlfriend's boyfriends. Let's dig in, shall we? For the past few days, Billy has been hunkered down at his girlfriend Megan's house In New Jersey Where she lives with her other boyfriend, Kyle She's living at her boyfriend's house

Can you imagine That's who's saving the day for you That's who's Your savior right now You don't have anywhere to go You're like, fuck, I only have this crappy place. I need somewhere to cash out. And your girlfriend goes, my boyfriend has a nice spot in Jersey.

There might be room for you. Let me talk to my boyfriend. He goes, I talked to my boyfriend. He says, we'll let you stay there. And you go, oh my god. Tell your boyfriend. My girlfriend's boyfriend's my hero. I can't believe my girlfriend's boyfriend is such a hero.

Everyone's saying, what is your girlfriend's boyfriend? Oh, I don't believe my girlfriend's boyfriend is such a hero. Everyone's saying, what is your girlfriend's boyfriend? Like, oh, I don't have a girlfriend's boyfriend. Well, I feel sorry for you because my girlfriend's boyfriend's the best, dude. He's such, my girlfriend's boyfriend's the man. He let me stay there. He's giving me his food. My girlfriend's boyfriend gives me all his toilet paper. So sick, dude. My girlfriend's boyfriend's such a sweet dude. Megan and I have been dating for about nine months and she and her boyfriend have been dating for two and a half years years This sounds like a fun sitcom Doesn't it They have a two bedroom apartment here

Dude is a two bedroom just the two of them Honestly Billy your girlfriend's boyfriend is so fucking dope He has a two bedroom to himself in New York I love your girlfriend's boyfriend So I've been staying in the guest room For the last couple of nights What's the other alternative What else the three of you sleep together?

Are you gay now? I would hope that you're sleeping in the guest room of their two-bedroom. For the last couple of nights, Megan slept in the bed with me, but then at last night, she fell asleep with me, and I woke up alone.

Kyle must hate his girlfriend. Billy, your girlfriend's boyfriend hates her. If you moved in there and she doesn't she has to go between the two bedrooms like kyle chasing her out of the bedroom back into his room and then billy's chasing her back out of the other room for sure for sure kyle who's been dating her for two and a half years, has been encouraging this relationship. He hates her. And I actually, if your excuse for being Pauly is you're like, listen, I got this girlfriend. She demands a lot of time.

I don't see us breaking up for whatever reason. I'm pussy. I can't break up with her. I got her on this new system where she hangs out with a different guy and she leaves me alone. Whatever. I don't agree with doing that. I got her on this new system where she hangs out with a different guy and she leaves me alone. Whatever. I don't agree with doing that. I would never do that for myself. But I honestly think that is the most reasonable solution.

Is that, like, have you met her? She's fucking annoying, dude. And you're like, yeah, fair enough. I got her sleeping in a different room now. Like, Kyle, in his mind, he's like, she goes to the other room and she's like, I don't know. I bet you Billy could use a little fucking spank in there, right? Maybe give fucking go jerk off Billy. I mean, he's new.

He's a guest in our house. Don't you think it would be rude? And she goes, I mean, okay, I'll go have sex with him. And you go, yeah. Then she leaves and you stretch out. And you go, ah, being Polly kicks ass. So that sounds to me what's going on in Kyle's head. Because there's no way she's like, I'm going to go to Billy's room and fuck him

And you go Oh no what And it's weird because it's obviously you're like that Her pussy must be just raw She's going room to room back and forth Taking both of their dicks They probably have crappy dicks though Wienery fucking girl dicks

But then last night she fell asleep And I woke up alone so she left in the middle of the night all right I guess at some point she went back to Kyle's room and slept with him yeah okay whoa okay there you go case closed at what she probably did we're on day four of me being here they're already on day four and they're having like she doesn't know what to do she's on day four she's waking up in the middle of the night being like maybe I should move back to my other room they don't have a good system down for whose bed she should sleep in.

And Billy says, I don't want to be a romantic strain on anybody. They've also been going through relationship difficulties themselves. And I don't want to exacerbate that by being a dick or entitled. Yeah, well, guess what? You are.

You moved into a couple's house. You say they've been having some troubles their couple's been having some troubles and you're like you know I just want them to sort it out I don't want to be a strain on that in any sort of way you could not be more of a strain on their relationship right now a literally another guy has moved into their apartment I don't want to be a strain on their yeah newsflash you are a strain on their relationship i still get a little cautious about how handsy to be with megan in front of kyle and how kissy to be in front of him you oh there you that's nice of you i don't want to be a strain on their relationship but i'm a

little when i come and honker boobies i you know i'm a little sketchy whether i should honker boobies you walk by they're sitting on the couch watching TV. You just walk by, grab a little pussy. Is that what's going on? Yeah, you probably should be a little, you should probably be a little worried about how much making out you should do with your girlfriend's boyfriend around. There's a small little urge in me that's like, oh, I want him to like me. I also want everyone to like me. But I mean, of course you want your girlfriend's other boyfriend to like you.

Now, let's just pause for a second. I mean, we're all listening to this. Everyone here is like, yeah, obviously you want your girlfriend's boyfriend to like you. I mean, let's all, we've all, everyone in this room has been there. Let's, come on, obvious. Get real here.

We've all wanted our girlfriend's boyfriend to like us. I'm always making my girlfriend's boyfriend dinner. He comes over, I go, what did you, so what did you think? You know, I just make him a nice dinner. I sit him down. I go, this is a mic for my girlfriend's boyfriend. Okay, I sit him down. I go, here's your dinner.

And he goes, he's sitting there eating. And I go, what did you think? And then he goes, I thought it was pretty good. I go, yes, love it. Yes. Brownie points with my girlfriend's boyfriend. We all want our girlfriend's boyfriend to like us. Why write that article?

Like what a life these people are living, eh? This guy lives in Brooklyn. Coronavirus happens. He moves in with his girlfriend's boyfriend, sits on their computer, and writes an article about it. What are you writing? Oh, I'm sitting here writing an article about what we're doing right now, how you're having relationship troubles, and how much I want you to like me. What a scenario these people got going on. So that was the fourth worst take. And number five on the worst takes about the coronavirus. Cover the coronavirus without being an ableist asshole. So the coronavirus is ableist.

Ableism is always so funny to me because the whole gist is like, they're saying you shouldn't act like it's worse that we have a disability. Like someone has their legs blown off and they're like, don't be ableist. Like don't act like it's a bad thing that I have my legs blown off. And you're like, it's objectively worse. You know it's worse. It's not ableist to say it's worse to have one arm. Of course, if you had a choice,

you wouldn't be like, no, no, there's nothing better or worse about it. We're all the same. You'd be like, no, no, no, this sucks. I wish I didn't have one arm. So the world's not gonna be designed around you. Obviously, yeah, it's worse. So they say, the New York Times post an op-ed

titled, sorry, but working from home is overrated. That argued that among other things, while working from home is a good option for new parents or people with disabilities, it can actually be bad for productivity. So New York Times is kind of saying that basically it's not the ideal scenario to have everyone work from home. And honestly, it remains to be seen. But I think there's something to be said about when you have people sitting at their house by themselves not talking to anyone they're probably going to be fucking the dog a little more I mean the management high ups are probably going to work harder but for the most part I'm sure that there's a dip in productivity and as things get more and people are skyping and zooming I'm sure it's a little

closer but the truth is obviously when people are working from home, they're doing less, less work. And then they're like, well, they shouldn't be saying that because some people have to work from home. Well, this isn't about you. The 1% of people that you're like, well, I have to work at home. So am I doing less work? Yeah, probably. Yeah. Are we supposed to lie about that? Is that what everyone's supposed to do? Lie? That's what they want the media to do. They want you to lie. It's like, well, don't say the truth because that might be mean to someone. If someone has no legs and they work from home and you say that when people work from home, productivity goes by, this is mean to people with no legs. No, it's not. It's just a fact. It just is what it is. There's also an inherent ableism and quite frankly, selfishness

in able-bodied people complaining about having to work from home. Okay, so no one can complain about anything. My legs hurt. Oh, wow. Wow. You complaining about having legs hurting when I don't have legs?

This is fucking selfish of you. Ah, my car broke. That's frigging annoying. I can't drive a car because I don't have legs. So car broke that's freaking annoying i can't drive a car because i don't have legs so if anything the fact that you can't drive that should not be that it is quite ableist of you to complain that you can't drive when i don't have legs so i can't drive unless i get a special thing ableism is like the far i think out of all the things i think ableism is like the biggest stretch because you're like people should be happy that they're walking it's like 99.9 percent of people

like can walk so i don't think you should be like every step you should be like oh it is so lucky to be me living the dream thank you god for giving me the thank you god for giving me the ability to take these steps. Before you hit send on that tweet that laments having to stay home and missing out on a school event or concert or trip that you were looking for, consider that such experiences are commonplace for disabled and chronically ill folks. They literally, if you're like, so for me, I can't go do stand-up comedy anymore. If I want to complain about that, I you're like, so for me, I can't go stand, go do standup comedy anymore. If I want to complain about that, I should be like, I can't do, people are in wheelchairs,

can never do standup comedy. So that sucks. And be like, okay, yeah, I can't go visit my, some people with disabilities can never visit their friends. I am, I'm sorry. Sorry. I'm, I actually just, uh, I've been working for the last two years and I saved a million. I saved a bunch of money and I was planning on going on a month long vacation traveling from place to place. And then now I can't do that anymore. So this kind of

ruined my life. You are so right. Disabled. If you if you don't have any arms and legs and you can't go on a trip around the world unless someone carries you like a football. I am. I'm so sorry that I complained that the trip that I've been planning for the last year. A good rule of thumb is listen to disabled and chronically ill people. Follow them on social media and see what they're saying. Just follow random disabled people.

How are you supposed to find these disabled people? You just have to, should I just look up? No leg problems hashtag being crippled hashtag crippled dick what are you talking about so before you tweet oh this sucks that I just got fired from my job as a construction worker first you should be like wow people that only have a brain people that are only a head in a jar, they don't even get to be construction workers. You should start following Joe Blow construction worker. You need to start following more cripples. Start with, just type in crippled life. You know what

I mean? Crippled problems. Just follow them all. And they'll be like, hmm, got a new brand of wheelchair together. And you're like, okay, I'm listening. I got rolled down the stairs today. And you go, okay, I don't know how, i don't know exactly how this is supposed to be helping me this guy being like and he's maybe that maybe it's maybe every crippled person isn't complaining all day on the internet maybe some people in wheelchairs are just living normal lives so he's tweeting about like the game and some disabled person's like oh this sucks that sports isn't happening anymore you know is that possible that there's just lots of people in wheelchairs that are normal people that are complaining on

the internet all day long so i gotta follow that guy and he says oh this sucks that the nba is and i'm like okay so we're allowed to talk about that got it if i'm supposed to listen to what they said and that's the opinions i supposed to have is that the equivalent of like oh it's okay to say that's a black guy said it well maybe all crippled people don't have the exact same opinions i know plenty of crippled people that disagree with other crippled people so what the fuck with listening to crippled people they don't have different opinions i gotta i gotta watch some guy with no arms on the internet that's how i've got to make my decisions about what i'm allowed to complain about shut up shut up shut up now these are some bad boy takes.

I did get some boys questions this week, but I wanted to stick to coronavirus. So if anyone has any cool boys questions, email them to me, theboyscastwithryanlong at gmail.com. And again, I really, really appreciate everyone that's been telling all their friends about it. Because I keep getting messages from people being like, yo, my dog told me about it. Listen, I moved to this fucking country to take over the fucking New York comedy scene.

Like the same way I was in Canada. That's why I came here. You want to be the guy that told your boys about the boys cast before it was cool? Right at the start? You were with the boys from the start. You're like, hey, there hey there's this guy from this whole career in canada he just moved here trust me this guy's sick you get to tell them the cool shit before everyone knows before the kid takes over this scene sharing screenshots is the big one taking a picture of what you're watching right now posting it on your instagram your twitter Twitter, tag me in it. That fucking rules. Telling boys personally fucking rules. If you

want to take my clips and post them on your thing, that's cool. You know, I'm posting the boys cast with Ryan Long Instagram. I posted a ton of clips. If you want to just regram them on your gram or whatever, lots of stuff like that. My final words is don't be a bitch. This is a good time to get stuff done. Good time to move past everyone that's be a bitch. This is a good time to get stuff done. A good time to move past everyone that's taking a break. Everyone that's taking a two-month break. It's a good time to cruise past them in a lot of ways. This is a good time to learn about stuff that you couldn't, didn't have the time for.

You know, life happens fast. There's lots of stuff going on. You know, everyone has responsibilities. A lot of those have been stripped away. Maybe you wanted to learn a new program. Maybe you wanted to get into editing. You know what I mean? There's lots of stuff that are long-form projects.

Maybe you're getting into finance and you want to read two or three books, but it's hard to do all that stuff because your life's complicated. This is a good time to do a lot of that stuff. Now, if this goes on for four months, I can understand everyone being like, fuck that. But there's always two months of stuff you can do to better yourself with one of the boys.

Again, we're fast. We run six-minute miles. So there's definitely two months of stuff you can do to better yourself with one of the boys again we're fast we run six minute miles so there's definitely ways to be positive in the boys got stuff you know what i mean so i'm feeling positive about it i think we'll be fine i don't think anyone's gonna lose all their money you're gonna get your jobs back in two months if you lost them and sorry to the boys that have lost their jobs sorry to the boys that are sitting there with their girlfriend getting nagged this has been the boys cast the coronavirus top five worst takes