The Boyscast with Ryan Long - Let's Talk about Sex

Episode Date: May 1, 2020

Things have been getting pretty serious so I dissect a Vice article about how to suck your own dick  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

And you can tell our friends, and they can have my things when we're dead But we don't end forever, but we don't end forever Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back, welcome back That's the kind of fun that we have here at the Boyscast Because it's going to be a fun episode exclusively for the boys The first podcast that's made exclusively for the boys. If you don't know already, if you're a new listener and you got a chick, if you look down and you see a vaginal, if you see a vagina, then keep, keep skedaddling. Skedaddle on to the next podcast. Maybe you can

listen to Call Her Daddy because this is for the dudes, for the fellas, the lads, and the dogs, all of which are here for the boys. Now, we're going to have a fun episode. You know, everyone's getting real serious out here. We're going to talk about sex, baby. Obviously, you can't completely ignore corona. It's the world we're living in you know i'd love to come out here and just be like aren't girls shit man girls are annoying oh girlfriend that'd be fun point out the flaws you know point out the things that are wrong with them they're crying too much

they're always crying that's one of the fun things that I would like to point out. However, we're living in an apocalypse, and you've got to pretend. I've got to at least touch it up. I've got to graze down on Corona. So what I've decided to do is have a fun episode where we're going to— I found a bunch of articles that relate to Corona and sex. All the people are, people are out there with their hot takes, which I've been sharing with you. And we actually have a problem. So before we get out there, guys, we have a, we have a big honking problem. And I

didn't want to be the one to tell you this, but this just came to my attention that scientists have now started testing estrogen as a possible option for COVID-19 studies. Because apparently a lot of men who have more estrogen and less testosterone have been getting COVID at a higher rate. And as you can imagine, the boys are fucked. Because unfortunately, no one listening to this podcast has low T ah fuck man would it not be a great time right now to be a listener of the

Stephen Colbert show duh just a low T Seth Meyers' fans they're probably oh man that'd be nice just to be a Meyers head to, they're probably, oh man, that'd be nice. Just to be a Meyers head? To be a Colbert boy? You know that you're going to be safer than us?

And we're being punished for high testosterone levels? And our low estrogen? We're going to be dropping like flies. We're going to be going to the doctor and they're going to take one look at our testosterone and they're going to say, we're going to going the doctor and they're they're gonna take one look at our testosterone and they're gonna say we're gonna need backup here so pray to our pray to the god pray to the boy's god that that doesn't come out positive positive and it shows that estrogen's good for preventing covid19 because we're fucked and even more so this is this is their take on it by the way this is that why that magazine posted they, even if one trans woman loses estrogen access to a cis man, this means war.

Ooh, sassy. Someone's been taking too much estrogen. Because they always say that. If a girl was president, there'd be no wars. If every country had girl presidents, we would all be dead 15 fucking thousand years ago. World War would have happened a long time ago. And every country would be coming to the United States and be like, can you kill them for me? Jesus Christ.

Freaking Lebanon said something weird to me. Can you please get them for us? And then they also said, I had to fight tooth and nail for my estrogen. And here you all just force femming cis dudes. Tell you what, I agree with it. You try to fucking shove estrogen down my throat, you're going to have another thing coming, bud. Good fucking luck.

You're going to have to tackle me on a football field. Like I'm running for that final touchdown in a men's game. The girls aren't allowed, they're not even allowed to watch. Not even in the stands, Pakistan style like a dubai joust no women allowed in the stands they can come home and then wash your clothes when we get home oh oh oh all right that's ironic i do not wish to be compared to tim allen we're the modern boys movement the new boys these old boys they don't get us the young hip boys very young in my 30s um okay so that's what's going on with that and this is what i've noticed with all these fucking people because as i've been saying kind of from the beginning and obviously

everyone in the world was wrong where i said that it was going to be you know less of a big deal but the truth is i wasn't wrong about the fact that it should, less of a big deal. But the truth is I wasn't wrong about the fact that it should be less of a big deal. I just underestimated the government's ability to pull a fucking female temper tantrum. You know, it's like the kid that went and skateboarded and he comes back with a bruise and the mom's like, everyone's on lockdown.

You know, the numbers weren't in you. And then your mom's like, the scientists say that if he skateboards again, he's going to have cuts all over his face head and then and then the next day he's been skateboarding and nothing happened that's what's going on right now and again i know that some people are actually affected so i'm not saying that people aren't dying and that's not bad what i'm saying is these people that are posting on the internet they're saying i'm all the hot takes i've been talking about they go i'm so fucking depressed right now. COVID. And then they go,

COVID is hurting trans people the most. You know, you have no idea what it's like to be. And then they say COVID-19, these lockdowns, my son was autistic and these lockdowns have erased all of his progress. That's another one I've saw. I said, anyone else trying to kill themselves, people with mental disabilities, this is a nightmare for them. People with physical disabilities, lockdowns are a nightmare for us. And then in the next post, they post memes like everyone needs to stay inside. These lockdowns are keep us safe, which is it. So you obviously understand that there's a big cost of the lockdowns. You're posting about it yourself. The same people that are posting, this is a nightmare. You have no idea. This, my mental health, there's a huge cost of my mental

health. I lost my job. You know, everything's falling apart. I'm in a polyamorous relationship and I can't get fucked by 12 bikers, which I need to, because that's the only way my pussy can stay as raw as I need it to be. And those are the kind of things they're posting. And then the next breath, well, they're not even done posting against their pussy how it needs to get pounded

by 10,000 men. I am so depressed I want to kill myself, stay at home. Which is it? So you obviously agree that there's a cost of the lockdowns.

Okay, so you agree in theory. It's like that, you know, it's like that thing where they go, I've said this before, but minimum wage should be $20. Okay. Well, why not a million dollars? You know, and they say, and these lockdowns, they need to happen to save lives. Okay. Well, how many lives? Okay. What if it's five lives? Is that, is that too many to all of these problems that you agree are bad? All of these things that you agree are terrible. Okay, I'm going to stop talking about this for a second and get into this article. Because more importantly, let's talk about sex, baby.

The coronavirus. Now, this is an article by Vice magazine. You know, Vice is, and as you know, people who watch watch my videos this is my go-to to say you know i'm doing i'm doing videos for vice magazine they go there's another one where i said i was doing an interview the other day on the street and i said i think i have covid19 because i have i've discharged in my dick and i was and she goes and she goes why did i go hey i've been going to brothels and i think i've discharged i might have covid you know that's bumps on your dick you get get that from COVID, right?

Would you be able to look at it? And she goes, oh, that's inappropriate. She goes, where are you working for? I go, oh, Vice Magazine. She goes, oh, great. Oh, that's amazing. Okay. And as soon as I said that, she was like, oh, okay.

Well, then, yes, whip your dick out. Ka-flump. How about that? Whip it out. That's how crazy Vice has got over the last little while, where Vice used to be doing real journalism and then they started to kind of do you know i fucking took crack with three bikers in russia which wasn't that bad and then they went full social justice warrior you know everything was like

here's why you know my dad is racist and should be shot the first person account of why my dad's racist and you're like what do you do and you like, he has an employee that's black and he pays him. That's how he racist. That's how he racist. I'm going to do a video about, it's going to be coming out Monday. I'm going to do a video about comedy in quarantine. If there was comedy right now,

see white people, we quarantine like this. Oh, hello, I am in quarantine. Where black people, we'd be like, you better believe I'm in quarantine. that's the kind of every hack premise that comedians would do if they're in quarantine so vice is about as bad as it gets you know huff poe and some of these other ones the cut some of these other ones are worse but vice is funnier because it's like they they kind of like used to be cool and you know at the end of the, there's some people still there that are like, all right. Yeah, sure. Let's run it. You know, I was at this magazine when it was like a skateboarding magazine.

And now I'm like 12 ways that my husband can fucking get fucked while I watch. But I like this. I like these kind of articles because it's a perfect mix of the first person stuff where, you know, I went to Russia with the crackheads or whatever, with the new social justice where they're like pushing an agenda that everyone needs to be like sex positive and all this stuff. And the article is called How to Suck Your Own Dick During Coronavirus. I mean, to me, if I was to say I should suck my own dick during coronavirus, I would start with get a job at Vice magazine because every article you guys do is sucking your own dicks. Now, the whole premise of this article is essentially, you know, you're stuck in quarantine and you can't have sex with anyone. So you need to figure out ways to pleasure yourself second and and again i've said this what are you doing if you're been a month and a half at home and you're like i want to go fuck someone but i can't heaven forbid i leave my house who cares stop it stop being a bitch i hope

no one listening to this podcast is voluntarily celibate because fucking you know because de blasio told you to because you're about to have sex and de Blasio dove in front of your dick and fucking knocked it out of the way. And before he knocked it out of the way, he took a quick lick just for good measure. And then Cuomo came out behind just as you were about to put a girl on the bed, fucker doggy style. And Cuomo slipped in there and put it in his dick. He put it in his ass instead. He dove right on top of the girl and just ingested your dick in his ass that's what they're doing they're cock blocking you and you're like well

i guess them's the breaks no they're not the breaks okay reddit user six months suck is using this time to try to suck his own dick a lot of people in quarantine are two things bored and horny the boys aren't bored and things, bored and horny. The boys aren't bored and the boys aren't horny because the boys are getting it in and we're not bored because we got tons of stuff to do. He told me in a direct message, I'm no different. Self-sucking seems to exist where those things intersect. I love the idea of just pitching these articles. You know, you're some 22 year old chick working at Vice magazine and you roll into your boss's office and you go, listen listen i've got the best

article it's this guy on the internet i found he sucks his own dick and everyone else is trying to suck their own dicks and he goes the boss is one of the guys have been there you know he's got skateboards on his wall from the glory days and stuff like that you know he's got all these like band posters he's wearing a he's wearing a rancid shirt and then the girl's like that isn't that amazing and he just goes yeah you, yeah, you know what? Fucking, you know what? Run it. Yeah, sure. Sure. Run the story on sucking your own dick. What does it matter anymore? What, what are we doing here? I'm just waiting for this company to crumble and get bought out by, you know, some huge media conglomerate. And I can just take my

payout and not work here anymore. In the meantime, let's run your story about sucking your own dick. Got it. All right. Let's see what six months suck has to say. He recently came across our auto fellatio, a subreddit dedicated to the art of sucking yourself off and remembering that he was nearly able to do it when he was and remembering that he was nearly able to reach his own penis when his mouth that he was a teen but he didn't keep stretching and he never quite got there i remember when i was a teen i mean there was a penis in my mouth i mean it must have there was almost a penis in my mouth that was mine right that's i all i remember is i was at church my uncle's there and there was like a dick near my mouth i mean i was crunched up in a ball that i mean it gotta have been mine i mean who else's would have been i also like the idea idea of, you know, yes, but I didn't keep stretching.

So I never quite got there. You know, the Rocky music when, you know, you're just like, you're just bent over in your bed. Your mouth is so close to touching your tip. You just, you're so close and the music's just playing. And're just finally when you just finally get that final and you just go yes i'm finally a man and his wife's in a fight with him so he's in you know his wife's like you never fuck me anymore he's like yeah he's telling his wife he goes you never fuck me anymore and she goes yeah well maybe if you stop cheating on me and you know you don't treat me good and you're never you're not even the you're half the man your brother is he starts taking low blows out of me go yeah well maybe i don't need you good, and you're not even half the man your brother is. He starts taking low blows at him.

He goes, yeah, well, maybe I don't need you anymore. He starts doing his dick-sucking stretches. Two more days, two more days. You're almost there. Every time she comes home, he's stretching. He's like, you just wait. You fucking wait. I'm so close to getting to my own tip of my penis in my mouth.

Yeah, you'll see. You'll see you'll see wait till I don't need you anymore just touching his toes being able to do it requires a lot of stretching and most people aren't able to fit that into the usual routines yeah definitely that would be a that would be a difficult one to fit you know what's uh you have a family you got you know especially if you got anyone else you live with. You wake up, you brush your teeth, take your shower, go for your run, and then you do your stretches so you can suck your own penis.

Almost there. Almost there. Oh, yeah. You're fucking – you look at your dick, you go, you're mine. You're mine, baby. Oh, yeah, I'm going to have you in there. I'm going to have you in my fucking mouth so fucking quick. You're mine. I got my eye on you yeah, I'm going to have you in there. So I'm going to have you in my fucking mouth so fucking quick. You're mine.

I got my eye on you. You're not going to get away from me. Lockdown is a pretty good opportunity to put in that time. I thought this time I'd try again. He said, why not? You know, it's like, you know, some people were into yo-yoing when they were a kid and they said, I'm going to get back into yo-yoing. I was never good at it then.

Maybe I'll get to do it now. This guy said, I'm picking up a new hobby. You know, when he goes back to work, people are like, I actually finished building my shed. Some guy goes, oh, I actually learned how to use a new program on my computer. I was not very good at Excel. So I, you know, I figured I'd get really good at that. The guy's like, what did you do? Oh, my God, Fred. Jesus, this is an office. Right? Pretty good. Yeah? Really good.

I could teach you guys. They're like, gee, no, I'm not interested. I'm not interested in sucking my own dick. I'll just shoot myself. So anyway, this guy has used his quarantine. First of all, by the way, this came out like a, like a week ago. It's quarantine has been a month. You know, this is one thing you're like two years into quarantine. You're like, okay, let's, you know what I'm out of stuff to do.

This was like day three for him because he obviously, if it came out a month ago, they've been working on this article since the beginning of quarantine. So they go, working on this article since the beginning of quarantine so they go de blasio goes listen we are gonna keep people inside there okay he got on that quick once the stuff of urban legends auto once the stuff of urban legends auto fellatio you know they always give it a name and this is this is what vice magazine this is the why these places make me so laugh so much because what they do is they pick a thing that like one guy does and then they go is this the new trend and you're like nope it's not actually it's 10 people do this so sub write it on the internet the act of sucking one's own dick is actually much more popular than you realize yeah you're doing

everything in your power to make it popular. You're the guy at work, like, you know, you found out that people are sucking their own dicks and you're creating fake email addresses. Like, yeah, people are sucking their own dicks. Like, you go, man, I hear people are sucking their own dicks. And everyone's like, yeah, no one's talking about that except for you, Frank. You're really pushing that narrative. If all you knew about it was the mythology of Marilyn Manson's removed ribs, which didn't happen, or that Saturday Night Live sketch where Will Ferrell discovers his talent in yoga class, you're missing an entire subculture of self-pleasure. It's not only possible for many people to reach their own dick with their face, but also suck and even deep throat themselves to completion. Now we're deep throating?

You're choking yourself with your own dick. But also suck and deep throat themselves to completion. To pull out, dude. Why are you not pulling out? You're to completion? That's some good stuff. Historically, the practice of autoflatio goes back thousands of years. Images of gods sucking their own dicks

i am a god i am a golden god someone walks in i shouldn't have used the office bathroom for this this is a stretch no pun intended so this started is like this this is how vices stretch this we're halfway through the article we started with there's a uh there's like a guy on the internet who sucks his own dick and he has like a reddit that he started about it now we're like it's actually kind of a thing gods do you're a god if you don't do this oh here's this is this is getting wild the release of sperm from yourself into yourself becomes the energy which can lead to infinity. Even the guy at Vice reading, like editing this magazine is going to be like, yeah, I mean, I kind of thought this was going to be a piece about you. Like there's this wacky community on the internet. I'm four sentences in here. Now you're saying that there's, there's a divinity involved in coming in your own mouth.

I mean, you, you're kind of, you kind of jump into conclusions here. You need Milton's jump to conclusions, Matt. The release of sperm into yourself becomes the energy which can lead to infinity. Next, you're going to be like, actually, it's even better if you really want to achieve divinity. You actually take a turkey baster, come in that, and then you shove it in your own ass while you cry, that's because it actually, the leak of the tears out will come ingest into your body is the perfect combination that just makes you a divine God. According to this article, self-generating energy will allow you to be anything you want. want? I want to be a fireman. Well, you know, you suck your own dick. Yeah. That's really the only way to do that. That's what my guidance counselor said to me. You know, and I said, he said, what do you want to be with yourself? And I said, uh, he said, suck your own dick. I said, I didn't even tell you. It's like, yeah, but no matter what you said, I was going to tell you, suck your own dick.

It's actually, people don't understand that is actually a replacement for grad school. Self-generating energy will allow you to be anything you want through sucking your own cock. Generating energy will allow you to be anything you want. Through sucking your own cock, I have created a human condition that is very stimulating. Control of one's sperm leads to infinity, and through infinity, to a new world. Doesn't that sound like a guy who would rationalize, like, no, this is my secret sauce. They're like, dude, have you been sucking your own dick? And you're like, no, I don't.

Okay, think, think, think. It actually gives me secret powers. No, you guys don't understand. Like, I wouldn't even be able to do this banking. This is my secret sauce as a banker. You guys don't get it. I'm telling you, this is very important. You think I want to be stuck in my own dick?

I have to be. I don't want to be doing this. It's my secret sauce. People are like, Frank, you did so good with your stocks this week. What's your secret? And he goes, I don't honestly, I don't think you guys are ready for this. But if you are, I'm going to hand you some literature. There's a subreddit on the internet.

Also, this is the best, the Vice magazine. Like if you said you're like, oh my God, there's a guy that sucks his own dick on the internet. Let's write a fucking email. Let's write an article about what a psycho is. The Vice article, the take, the Vice take is like how sick this guy is that's like you're like this guy sucks his own dick on the internet what do you think we should write about i think we should write how fucking sick he is it's it's a belief system that's the inverse of what we see from groups like no fap today the sperm is an energy that can be harnessed and used but instead instead of repression, release into one's own face.

Yang Zhang, the creator and administrator of Solosuck.com, platform for selling his videos. Okay, so now he's selling videos. You found a guy that sucks his own dick for porn, essentially, is what's going on here. You know, the camera crew shows up and they're like, so where's the co-star for this? He's too deep already in it on the forums of solosuck.com which has been running continuously for decades one thing i've heard over and over and over again in the it's the community they always say it's a community you know you know that any anytime anyone does anything like ridiculous they always try to make it a community they'll be like the um no no no we're just part of the uh shitting your pants and then eating it afterwards community

that's no there's a community it's me and're just part of the, uh, shitting her pants and then eating it afterwards community. That's no, there's a community. It's me and one other guy on the internet. One thing that I've heard over and over again, all of the decades I've been doing this, that this has helped me calm down. Yeah, no, I, so your point is you're like, okay, jacking off helps me calm down. And they're like, no, it only helps me calm down if I do it with my mouth and I come in my own mouth. Yeah, no, trust me.

I would love to be, I would love the calming effects of coming my own down if I do it with my mouth and I come in my own mouth yeah no trust me I would love to be I would love the calming effects of coming my own mouth if I could achieve them from just jerking off with my hand or even sex but no it's like the thing that calms down is having to come in my mouth and it's like well why don't you suck a dude's dick because you love cum in your mouth so much you're like no no I'm not gay I'm actually both like it sounds like you are no no no another member of autofillatio and a longtime moderator of the solo suck forums that must have It sounds like you are. No, no, no. Another member of Adolfo Felicio and a longtime moderator of the Solo Suck forums. That must have been a big, big treat for him when he got to be a moderator.

Solo Suck calls him and he says, listen, we have big news. We're going to make you a moderator. And he goes, I've been waiting for this day. Oh, my God. Thank you so much. He says it took him months to be able to, know kiss the tip of his penis like he could in his late 20s and his early teens and he had to go back and take pilates and yoga oh to be young again just just sitting in his bed thinking that good old days you know some people reminisce about high school and the parties and just being carefree.

And he's sitting there, he's having sex with his wife and just looking back like, I miss high school. And he's like, what do you miss about it? Nothing. Don't worry. What? Nothing. The joys of the pains of growing up that you have to experience.

Making contact for the first time is magical. experience. Making contact for the first time is magical, but you still need to get another inch or two deeper to actually be sucking it. You know, he said, sadly, after all the years I've been practicing, I don't think I'll ever get there. Jeez, dude, that must, that I feel like I should put sad music in here because that really sucks. You know, I should play sad music and just what this guy's going through right now. Making contact for the first time is magical. When you kiss that tip of that penis and you just, you made that first contact. You just knew you made dad proud.

You made mom proud. You know that you made something of your life. Single tear ran down my eye and you said, you know, you still need to get another inch or two deeper before you're actually sucking it. You're looking at the dick. You're thinking, I'm going to suck you. I want to do, I don't care what anyone says. I'm going to suck you. I'm going to be there. But sadly, after all the years of practicing, I don't think I'm going to get there. He has to lie to the community about it. I got to go back.

You know what it's like to be the man? Do you mean man, the moderator of solosuck.com that can't suck his own dick? I got to go back to the community and lie? You know? I looked at my left, Bill, Solosuck Bill. He's talking about sucking his own dick. says I love it it was so fucking good I fucking sucked my own dick so fucking good last night Then they go beside him

Another guy goes yeah also Jim here Part of the Sola suck community Gave myself a fucking nice rinse last night Fucking tuned my dick right up Oh yeah I still got some of the cum under my tongue I just hold it there like chew Sit it there There we go that's a little fucking dinger. That'll do it. You go next

like here. First time, first time comer. I'm a long time sucker. So I've been sucking for a long time. Just made myself cum too. Also a little bit of the cum in my mouth. As you can see, I'm full of cum stains. Spit it onto my own shirt. So love being part of the community. I've been sucking and then they come to me and i've been i've been lying about it i've been a part of the community i maybe kissed the tip that's it and i have to lie to my friends my fellow self-sucking brethrens from the subreddit and i have to look them in the eyes and be like oh yeah i like totally sucked my own dick last night it was um it it hit the back of my throat and then I definitely

came, I definitely came. Coming's the best, right? Guys love coming. You ever come? Yeah, coming's so sick.

Came in my throat. That was fun, right? We all came. Okay. Anyways, that's, uh,

that's it. I'm gonna move on, but I definitely did suck my own dick for sure. Do not take my moderator position away. End sad music.

It should go without saying that you should be mentally ready for the finale as former vice writer brian moland noted when he wrote on this topic in 2012 so they've already written about this topic so this is a repeat vice was like i mean i don't know in 2012 we wrote an article about sucking your own dick. There might be some more meat on that bone. The guy's like, yeah, let's reopen that file. The cold cases of vice. Did we ever write 4,000 more articles? It's like, no, mainly right now we've just been calling everyone racist. It's like, I feel like we could get that solo dick sucking article back up and running.

You're a genius. And an article that became one of the most read vice pieces ever published, the sensation of cumming in one's mouth might be new to straight men. Yeah, probably. That's the hypothesis Vice is going with. I'm going to take a wild guess and say that straight men have a mouthful of cum. And I'm sure that other people have said this too, but like, if you have a dick in your mouth, you're way more sucking a dick than you are getting your dick sucked.

That's just, so, you know, that's just the fact of the matter. And I'm not saying that every fucking 14-year-old boy probably wouldn't want to try that. matter and i'm not saying that every fucking 14 year old boy probably wouldn't want to try that but i'm just saying a grown man you're like 40 years old and that's your thing sucking your own dick it is funny releasing this you know when you're trying to end racism you know when you're being the like white men are the problem and every white man needs to quit his job and if you're cisgendered if you're the one of the cisgendered people the 99.8 percent of the population is cisgendered you need to fuck right off and then releasing an article and you're like oh also are you are you the guys that wrote the article about how sucking your own dick is great men need to come in their own mouth they're

like so what's the difference what's oh yeah i can do both can you though you lose you don't lose a little bit of credibility the mix of emotion and confusion for men who have never tasted jizz that's the technical term they use jizz in the fucking article the mix of emotion and confusion and they cry who've never tasted jizz of any kind let alone their own is a common concern throughout the audio fellatio communities and throughout the forums that's a pretty fun thing to be in the fellatio forums i mean like hey i you know just a quick question here i'm not trying to you know i know we have a whole thing here but like what do you guys think about the fact that we're drinking cum like is, is that a problem?

Is this weird? Because like, you know, again, I'm married with kids. It's like, again, I'm not trying to step on anyone's toes. But is this, has anyone else ever had this concern that we're drinking cum and we're not gay? The other guys are like, you know, we're all gay. You didn't know that? You're like, oh, shit. I really, oh, you know what?

I'll see myself. That does make sense. I will see myself out. The questioning is natural of exploring what turns you on. But for guys who previously thought of themselves as unflinchingly heterosexual, unflinchingly. I don't even flinch when I see a dick. That's how fucking straight I am. When I jerk off, I wear a glove. I don't even flinch.

I'm that straight. The straightest man alive. But finding yourself enjoying a dick in your mouth is bound to be a little confusing at first. Okay. I'm pretty sure this is some pretty good sleight of hand here from the auto fellatio community and vice. Cause finding out that you like sucking your own dick and you're like,

what do you like about it? The fact that I'm sucking a dick. It's like, how is that not gay? Okay. You can, you can say that, you know, I just love, you know, and I'm not saying I want to be part of the auto fellatio community, but I'm saying there's an argument to be made that if you're the fucking guy that's into sucking your own dick, you're just such a pervert and you love it so much that you're just like, you love coming. And you're like, you think it feels so good. And everyone's like, gross, but whatever. But if you're like, oh, my God, sucking your own dick so great. You're like, does it feel good? You're like, oh, I don't even care about the dick.

It's just I love having a dick in my mouth. And I don't have to be gay. And you're like, okay. But if the part that you love, this guy likes having the dick in his mouth the best. Oh, yo, sucking your own dick's so great. You've got a dick in your mouth. And you're like, okay, I don't know if that's exactly the purpose. And then the dick comes in your mouth.

How sick is that? You get cum in your mouth. You're like, so it's not the coming that you're trying to do as more people find themselves alone with their own dicks and all the time in the world places like solosuck.com and autofillatio will only become more important yeah i'm probably not you know and what you mean by more important is like, it might, it might, uh, have 45 members and then it's going to, it's going to spiral up to 48 members. The reason why this will get any attention is because vice magazine wrote an article about it and then has pushed it on every platform and paid money to, you know, push your articles

because that's your model. Cause you're cheaters. You pay money to get clicks. push your articles because that's your model because you're cheaters. You pay money to get clicks. There's more people find themselves alone with their dicks and they will find these communities and they will likely discover a place that cheers them on. That's what I like. The, the cheering them on, you know, the rest of the guys sitting around, they're all sitting there in the auto fellatio community. The guy's trying to suck his own dick. He's like, I can't do it. Rob Schneider's in the window.

You can't do it. They're all there like, come on, John. Come on, man. You can do it. The music comes on, as we talked about at the beginning. Dun-dun-dun. Dun-dun-dun. Oh, my God.

I'm almost there. I'm almost there. And everyone goes, yeah. You go, man. Yeah. You're one of us, man. You go, man. Yeah. You're one of us, man. They all come and hug him. His cum drips out of his mouth onto their bellies.

Just fun stuff to be part of the autofillatio community. I have a friend who's the sound guy for the Johnstones. And he used to say that it took him 45 minutes to jerk off. He still did it all the time because he couldn't cum. So it was just Andrew Harris, the sound guy from the Johnstones. It took him 45 minutes to jerk off. So he'd be jerking off and he'd go, for 45 full minutes.

He'd just be looking at the thing. It's not even that he couldn't find the right thing. Once he found the right thing, he just legitimately had to beat his dick raw for 45 minutes to come it was like dude you're like just stop doing it now once again want to thank you for listening the boys cast tell your friends you know send a message to people i got a little good feedback on the dick masterson episode i got revenge of Cis coming on next week. We got stuff planned.

You know, a lot of people say I need to, I should do two a week, which I think I'm going to do a Patreon and start releasing more episodes soon. But it's kind of weird right now. We're asking people for money and stuff when everyone's broke and stuff. You know what the truth is? Those are the people that I actually kind of feel bad for.

Because, you know, everyone's seen this stuff with Cuomo, right? Where it's like, they go, everyone needs to stay in their house. And then they go, we're going to give you unemployment or whatever. And some people like haven't got it. It's been a month and a half. People still don't have their money. And then Cuomo, I don't know if any of you guys saw this interview, but he goes, well, then if you want to get more money, then you should get a job as an essential worker. And it's like, I know lots of people that are unemployed and they're trying to get jobs and they would definitely work as an essential worker and they're not available. So it's like, you know, make up your frigging mind. You either let people get back to their jobs or you need to give them money, but it can't be in

between where there's some guy just in his 40s, 50s, he's got kids and you know, he just doesn't have a job and he doesn't have any money. What does he do? These people are actually in real scenarios and it sucks. So, you know, it's this in-between inefficient system where you're like, we don't have enough money to pay them, but also we don't really know what to do about it. So I do feel bad when they're in people that are in these positions, but I am going to, so it seems unethical for me to release my merch and release my Patreon right now, but I might do it in a little bit because I am getting a lot of messages where people want more episodes and stuff like that. So I could do that, release a second episode a week or something like that if I have a

Patreon. So that's something that I'm considering. Now, girls have been more productive than guys during the quarantine because they've mastered the art of calling normal things that everyone does productive. Self-care. You heard of it? Brilliant move, really. Are you kidding me? I took a bath. I lit some candles. I had a glass of red wine. I'm a productivity machine. So much done. Tim Ferriss should be writing a book on my productivity levels. I put a face mask on. I Instagrammed it. You know, I was getting a little tired with all my productivity, but then I just said, no, keep going. And I read a romance novel I Instagrammed it. You know, I was getting a little tired with all my productivity,

but then I just said, no, keep going. And I read a romance novel because I deserve it. But more importantly, y'all sleeping, we working. Productivity. I took 19 bubble baths. Men can't do that shit. Well, they can start doing that shit, but then a hundred percent of the time, it just directly leads to them jacking off. So now I've got another article to read, but before I get there, one thing that's, I think, the most driving me crazy out of people's opinions on the quarantine is when they go,

you guys need to follow the experts. That's what everyone's been saying. Like, oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize you were a doctor. And you're like, this is not a question of science right now. The scientists can say, here are our models, first of all, but they're fairly wrong anyway. But they can say, here are our models. Here's what we think. But what to do with those models is a political question.

It's like if we're saying, hey, what level of socialism should we be? And they go, oh, I think you should let the economists answer that question. No, these are political questions. economists answer that question. No, no, these are political questions. What, what's the cross between, you know, what's the cross between, if you want to look at it economically, if you were to make a graph of it, it would be how many lives we're going to, you know, save versus how much pain and suffering is going to be on the other side. And then the other graph would be your personal preference of those two things. So when people are saying, oh, we need to let the doctors decide, why would the doctors be great at making those political questions? They've actually are way worse at them because they've not been paying attention to that.

If they say right now, we should ban hamburgers because the health experts say they're unhealthy for you and you should ban them. You'd be like, okay, well, no, the health experts can tell us how unhealthy they are. And then we can make a decision as a society, you know, what, what risk we want to take. So just to me, the whole follow the expert stuff just gets everyone into so much trouble. And it's just like the number one way that people blindly follow, you know, retarded advice always. And I've, I've seen this a lot recently. You know, I was out and about, and I've been posting videos of me interviewing people and I've gotten a lot of people message.

They go, you know, even friends of mine, I had a friend of mine being like, this is wildly irresponsible for you. And I'm like, well, you don't understand that I'm fundamentally against this. Like, so it's like, I don't, I'm, I'm against these lockdowns. So I don't really understand. That's the part you don't understand. And I'm like half of the country is it's not even, you know, it took a while to get there, but at this point, it's not even really that fringe of a position to say that you think this is an overreach of government. You know, it's, if anything, it's like a politicized issue, that's getting pretty close to 50, 50. It's just that, you know, there's like anything, there's only one acceptable opinion in the media. And especially if you work in politics or any of those.

But the thing is, and this was somewhat of an advice I wanted to give maybe, but I don't think it's worth arguing with your friends and family about it. Because the truth is, I think most people, I've said this from the get-go, that anyone you kind of respect intellectually, anyone of your friends who are cool, i bet you will come around to that this is ridiculous it's just a matter of when but i think that like you know this is gonna be one of those things that a lot of people and you know the same reason that everyone came around to the woke stuff and was like yeah that was kind of ridiculous it's like yeah but you were holding the pitchfork three years ago so you know a lot of people are going to come around to it late and then they were going to act like they kind of realized this was, you know, from the get go. And they'll have some different rationalizations for it.

And they'll say, well, yeah, that became apparent when it is actually this happened and this happened. You're like, no, what happened is you bought the whole thing, hook, line and sinker. And now you're trying to backdate it because you realized you were wrong. So that's to me what's going to happen. But I don't think if you were a normal person, I mean, I don't even personally like doing it myself other than I'm doing this podcast to try to ruin my career. But whenever I see like a normal guy that has a normal job working at a bank or whatever, writing on the internet and you're like, you people need to fuck like wake up. Like there's a big guy runs a restaurant in Canada that did like a big rant on Facebook about how they need

to end the lockdowns. And this is, you know, Nazi Germany and all this stuff. I think that there's no point of that stuff. I mean, if you want to be a public speaker and you want to be a controversial public speaker, then fine. But if you're just a normal guy, doesn't it make more sense to sort of talk about your, you know, hopefully you have friends that you're cool. Talk about, talk to it with them in your close circles. Like why blow up your spot on Facebook? Really, there's lots of people doing it for you. So really, you could share that stuff around. But to me, it's like when you go to a UFC fight. And by the way, this isn't me saying, like, leave comedy for the experts.

It's like, I would say it's more like leave people to make controversial statements to people that have positioned their lives in ways that they've tried to insulate against that. people that have positioned their lives in ways that they've tried to insulate against that because it's you know don't be the guy that's being on facebook like just losing all your friends and starting fights with your family because you have a controversial opinions i don't think that's the move unless you just really like it that's fun but i mean it's like going to the ufc fight and then needing to be the guy that needs to get into a fight in the bar afterwards right like to me it's that it's you kind of listen the right thing and you get hyped up and you believe it because it's right or whatever but then you afterwards you need to go on facebook and like yell at other people i think that's the point where it's like i think there's a better outlet

for that if you and your friends can be like these guys are fucking retarded make fun of them behind their back but i don't think it's really worth being a martyr if you live a normal life that's my personal opinion you might think that i need to go down for the cause i've heard a lot of people like the gavin mckinnis's of the world i'm not saying anything bad about him or whatever but i've heard a lot of these people they they talk about it's a movement that we're in together where they say we need to fight against this like we need to take these social justice worries down and you're like well yeah you're getting rich off it and they're just living their lives right you know and i like to be a commentator and tell people what i think of issues and i hope that

i resonate and the boy stuff's funny it's not gonna get you fired but I mean to go out and tell people like no you need to fight you know free speech is something that we all need to fight together and you're like I don't know man if anything you're just kind of making people's lives harder so I mean they can listen to you and you can fight that fight for them but if you're a guy and now he's in a fight with his wife, you're, you're kind of being no better than the other side in a lot of ways. If your whole life has to get co-opted by your fighting, yelling and screaming on the internet. So again, if you really find it fun, that's fine. But I think that there's a lot of bad advice coming from, you know, the fucking cool controversy, edgery boys society that says you need to be out there

fighting these fights on the front lines. We're, you know, let's all lose our jobs together. And you're like, well, I don't know if everyone needs to lose their job. Maybe, maybe you should get canceled, but if you work a normal job, I don't even, you need to, you need to start questioning the Holocaust on your, on your Facebook profile. Question the Holocaust to your boys in private after a couple cocktails. Now, back to the sex episode. Let's talk about sex, baby. Landlords asking for sex.

BuzzFeed News, you know, if we're going to talk about advice, we've got to talk about BuzzFeed News because they go together like a horse in carriage. And again, this is going to fall under the category of it happened to, you know, five people and they're like, it's a thing. Every landlord everywhere. I mean, I'm a landlord.

I don't know. I'm kind of in Toronto. I guarantee I didn't do it. So it's not it's not a big trend that's happening. There's a couple of creepy landlords, but, you know, everything's not a thing. It's there's an outbreak of landlords asking for sex. Probably not. You know, everything's not a thing. It's, there's an outbreak of landlords asking for sex. Probably not. You know, there's probably actually not. There's an outbreak of people not being able to pay rent. And then maybe a few creepy landlords

tried to take advantage of it, but this is not like a trend that's going on. I love that my landlord's like 90 years old here. I would love that if he came in and I was like, Hey, here's your rent. And he goes, or zip the stroke because he's so old. So also ballsy move of a landlord. You know what I mean? If you weren't feeling anything at all, no sexual tension at all. You just like come in and you just send her a text straight up. You're like, or you could fuck me. And she's like, what? You're like, what? You gotta be really putting it out there there especially in today's climate to just give it give it out there like that that's why i love the fucking when uh they sort of paint this picture of guys who have not seen what the climate's like these days i was watching cs uh svu

the other day which by the way that show's phenomenal probably my favorite show to be completely honest it's just so out there and they, there was one of the guys who was a defense attorney. And then first of all, in CSI, SVU, every single person that works at the, at the police force, one of their relatives has been arrested. Like there's a, whatever, eight, 9 million people in New York. And there's 10 people on their squad. Every second case is about like a relative or personal family friend. So the first of all, that's the amazing part of it. But there's this guy, he's a head chef from a restaurant and he comes in and he just, he's like, he's a forced like 20 girls to have sex with them.

You know, he said they'll give a promotion if they have sex with them. And the police come in and the police go, uh, Hey, uh, apparently like 20 girls have asked you said, accused you of like raping them they go are you kidding me those girls were asking for it are you kidding me those girls love it that's what the guy says he's just come like a caricature of a 1940s head chef also like the hot shot head chef is so great too like he comes in he's just are you fucking kidding me he slaps the girl's ass in front of the cops. Like, come on, sweet cheeks. And then the other guy comes in and he's like, hey, the cops are accusing me of rape. He's like, you can't accuse this guy of fucking rape.

Those girls fucking love it. Our lawyer will get out of this willy nilly. And then the guy gets booked and goes to jail. He's like, crap. That's the landlord that just comes in here and he's like, the dick's out. Are you sucking it or are you fucking moving out? Like, anyone has the balls to fucking do that shit anymore if you do jesus christ one woman unable to pay her rent april 1st after losing her income due to coronavirus said she texted a prospective landlord inquiring about a more affordable property

he responded with a dick pic gee shit this this guy probably didn't have enough property available this guy was just straight up pimp him he put a fake property on craigslist and you message and you're like hey i want this cheap property and just sends a dick pic kind of a good move to i don't know what you're trying to get, but I guess boob pics? Send boob. Send boobs. Send bubs. Another newly-applied woman said she asked her landlord if he could pay April rent once she had to work again. He replied by telling her she could come

over and spoon him instead. This guy didn't even want much. You're not going to spoon a guy for free rent? I'll tell you what. My place here is like $2,500 a month or whatever. I'll gladly spoon a landlord my place here is like $2,500 a month or whatever. I'll gladly spoon a landlord. Are you kidding me?

I'll spoon his old ass. He's farting on my dick and I'm like, whatever. If I had to spoon him once a month, I would happily come over and do once a month spoon for 20 minutes for $2,500 a month. Yeah, I, yeah. These are just, these are just two of the ten complaints. So there's ten complaints. Who's your boy that called it?

Ten complaints total of sexual harassment by landlords filed with the Hawaii State Commission of Status of Women since COVID-19 outbreak began. All right, so we're not even talking about here. We're talking about in Hawaii. In particular, women of color and trans women are often most likely to be targeted by sexual harassment by landlords, said Ring. Yeah, I would imagine that in Hawaii, people of color are most likely to be targeted because that's who mostly lives there. Are you crazy? lives there. Are you crazy? That's when, uh, Tatiana McGrath had the best article. It said that, uh, said that I thought that, uh, it was very progressive of North Korea to have a female, a female person of color dictator. Cause that person of color stuff only works when places

that are white. If you're like, you know, if you go to Africa and you're like, Oh my God, wow. The head of the bank's a person of color. And you're like, yeah, everyone's a person of color. Not South Africa, but, you know, the other places, the more African places, the real fucking greedy African places. Hawaiians. And it's been mostly affecting Hawaiians. You're like, yeah, yeah, that's true. It's like, did you know that sexual assault has been more affecting people of color in China? Yeah, they're racist against people of

color, the sexual offenders there. Oh, that is just disgusting. Yeah, in Quebec, Canada, it's been affecting French people at a higher rate. We need to help the French people. Jabola Carolla, this guy's name, Jabola Carolla, amazing name, pointed out that in Hawaii, the now collapsed tourism industry has created a particular volatile situation for many Latino, immigrant and native Hawaiian women workers and probably anyone else. I mean, yeah, everyone's pretty much everyone's not doing good. That's another thing. When these people, they go, this is affecting people in marginalized communities at a higher rate and it's like yeah well then let's end it how about that let's let's get people back to work let's you know actually make a plan to open stuff up and then it won't affect them anymore

like no we need to stay inside well which is it do you think people should stay inside or do you think that this is bad towards your precious people of color that is such a currency for those people they've you know the guys that suck their own dicks these people don't need to suck their own dicks all they need to see is like a person of color in trouble they love seeing people of color having a hardship they go oh yeah i can blog about this are you gonna help no no no i'm not even gonna get anywhere near the problem what what am i gonna do to help people that are getting sexually assaulted by their landlords in hawaii oh zip zero but i'm going to help my own career by posting this this article right now no but what are you gonna do to

help oh uh i plan to sit in my place i actually think we should stay inside i'm actually gonna do something to hurt it because i'm going to make 50 articles about how everyone needs to be very careful and the economy needs to shut down because I work at a blog and I'm doing my job from home and my parents pay my rent, so I'm actually completely fine. Ring said that people who are sexually harassed

should try their best not to give in to the landlord's demand or compromise with them. Listen, if you're a person of color, it's getting sexually assaulted by your landlord. Do your best. Do your, Hey, I'm not saying, you know, listen, we're all humans here. Landlord offers you free, free rent, but he just gets to fuck the shit out of you. We're all humans. I'm not expecting you to say no, but just do, just do your best. Give it a try.

Say no once. And then, you know, if he insists, obviously, you're going to fucking blow him. Again, it's the coddling of the people of color. I'm sure, you know, I've got lots of fucking people listening to this that aren't white, and I'm sure all of them are thinking, yeah, I'm not a baby. I'm not a toddler. These poor people of color, they don't know how to say no. They can't say no to a rapist.

That's for white women to say no to a rapist. Well, again, so the thesis of this article, you know, obviously, has me been, if you think this is so bad for your group, if you say this is so bad for trans people, this is so bad for the dick sucking community. Well, then you should be one of the people that's pushing for this to end. So here's another article about how it's bad for trans people that I'm going to explain to you why. Yeah, that should infect your opinion of what's going on here. When Michigan State University, where she is a senior, shut down because of coronavirus, Nora's panicked parents brought her home, back to rural Michigan, in an isolated house surrounded by woods and cornfields on all sides.

You know, and safe spaces are incredibly important right now. Trans kids are far more likely to report having committed suicide than cisgender peers. Okay, so you get the gist. I don't even think I need to read much more of the article. I'll read a little bit more. But the whole gist of this is that coronavirus lockdowns are worse for trans people. Yeah, I mean, I'll tell you right now, it sucks for everybody. It is just so insane to go through groups like that. You know,

especially with trans people, it's like, you could just go through every, every little thing. And you say, it's worse for that. You're like car accidents are worse for trans people. Why is that? It's like, well, because they just got boob implants. And then when they're in the house and that, you know, sometimes it pierces them. And then when they're in the hospital, it's harder to get their medication. Yeah. Okay. Got it. So basically everything sucks worse for them. So is there anything that can happen for you to not write an article about why it's worse for trans people or is everything that happens you can be like that you know what i mean you go getting broken up with people

fucking sucks i just got broken up with you're like well actually it's harder for trans people getting broken up with people is a nightmare for the trans community you know and you go the subway's down you go well that's worse for trans people the subway down the subway being down it's a nightmare for trans people because they now have to you know take ubers and they don't have the money for that because they're it's like anything that happens you can find this is essentially saying it's worse because she can't be at her school and she has to go home with her parents it's equivalent i'm saying like you know ubers are down which is worse for trans people because now she has to home with her parents. It's equivalent of him saying like, you know, Ubers are down, which is worse for trans people because now she has to ride with her mom

and her mom is mean to her. That is what's going on. You can't just pick a thing every single time and explain why it's worse for them. At her home in Indianapolis, Elijah's parents refused to call him by his name

and refer him with the right pronouns. He came out to his mom last summer and it was quote unquote worse than I expected. The last time they spoke on the phone, she sent Elijah a text afterwards asking if he spelled his name Alyssa, which hurt. It was a feminine spelling and it was felt intentional. So, you know, this is their second example. They're like, this is how bad the coronavirus is.

When he went home, his mom accidentally said Alyssa instead of Elijah. So this is why it's so much worse for everyone else, except for the guy who built his business for the last 20 years. And now it's going under and now he's going to owe the government 50, 50 grand. So it's actually, no, it's actually worse for the guy who, who spent his entire life building a business. And now that's going to go under right now because of the coronavirus. That's who it's worse for. It's not worse for you who went home to live with your parents it's literally you're just like because you're just like my parents suck why is coronavirus so bad because my fucking parents suck dude coronavirus is so much better at college yeah no shit it's okay

it's so much better being at college me with my freaking parents fuck coronavirus is worse for me yeah it's definitely better being at college living for free my freaking parents fuck coronavirus is worse for me yeah it's definitely better being at college living for free and partying and doing drugs than being at home with your parents while they nag you yeah no shit it sucks i used to go home for the summers of school and i was like yeah college was way better fucking chicks and partying with the boys dude coronavirus is way worse for me i can't even play beer pong anymore. My freaking naggy ass mom comes down and steals the cups away. So there it is.

That's the moral of the story for me. All of you people need to, you know, I've been saying this forever. It's the girls. They can't get their story straight. And that's why it's more of a feminine movement, all this woke stuff. It's the girl who's coming home. It's like, I need you to work more. I need you to spend more time with me. And you're like, well, unfortunately you can't have

both. They're like, this coronavirus is really bad for this. It's really bad for this. It's really bad for this. It's like, well, yeah, we should definitely work on ending those lockdowns. So all of those things you complained about could stop. You're at home and you're really depressed and you're having a nightmare because your life's bad and you don't have control of your own head. Yeah. Why don't we work on getting this together? And you're like, no, this should happen forever till the end of time. Well, unfortunately you can't have those two opinions. If your hot take is we need to listen to the scientists on what to do, what political decisions they should make about how long we're staying home and cost benefit analysis we're making on people's lives versus just on people's lives and suffering versus, you know, distributing that pain and suffering among tons of different groups.

If that's what your opinion is, well, then you can't also have all of those opinions simultaneously. It's one of the two. You think that it's the worst and it needs to end, or you think we need to stay home. You know, you don't get to do both. And that's the message to everyone out there. Right? All right. So this has been the boys cast. I'd like to double my audience again. If people could tell a friend Again, I got fucking Internet Bad Boys Revenge of the Cis on the podcast next week These guys are T-Rubble Makers So that should be pretty fun

And please check out my videos Subscribe to my YouTube Slash Ryan Long Comedy I got a video coming out Monday And every Monday till the end of time. This has been the boys cast. Send me boys cast questions to the boys cast with Ryan Long at gmail.com or just send me Instagram messages or whatever. I've been Ryan Long. Peace.