The Boyscast with Ryan Long - Why Actors Are The Worst People In The World, Do You Want A Trad Wife? & Covid Bunker Kids w/ Ari Shaffir

Episode Date: March 21, 2023

Wacky religious practices, trad wives, actors, relationships & being a menace to society with ARI SHAFFIR! Ari Shaffir is a comedian, writer, producer and podcaster. @arishaffir SUPPORT THE SPONSORS: Sheathunderwear.com - Promocode BOYSCAST - 20% Off Pandasupps.com - Promocode BOYSCAST - 25% Off RYAN ON TOUR: Boston: March 24/25, Las Vegas: Mar31/Apr1, Atlanta: April 28/29, Philadelphia: May 2/3, Tampa: June 2/3, New York - Sept 16 SUPPORT THE BOYSCAST: https://www.patreon.com/theboyscast http://ryanlongcomedy.com MERCH - ryanlongstore.com Ryan @ryanlongcomedy Danny @dannyjokes LEAVE US A FIVE STAR REVIEW! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I would do quotes at the end of like when I taught yoga online. Instead of like these uplifting quotes, I would just do my tyrants, whatever. And so like, guys, that's the end of our yoga today. From the words of General Pol Pot, better to kill a friend by mistake than to spare an enemy by mistake. And now, 60 seconds of breathing. The lads The dudes The bros The homies The dudes

The boys Every taping I ever do, they always lower, lower the mic so they can get a good mix. No, I think I'm four. And then you're just screaming to make up for it. This is one of the biggest things that I always argue because then they turn you down more. They turn you down more. It's like, once it starts, unless I say something, don't fucking touch it or I'll lose complete faith. I've been doing this for a while.

I'm telling you, if it sounds too loud to you, give me two minutes because I will adjust the volume of my voice. Yeah, exactly. It's like... Yeah. Talking mic technique

inside baseball. That's just an entirely inside baseball one. The 24th of March, Beacon Theater, big deal. Thanks, yeah. AriShafir.com for tickets. Yep. Big fucking deal. I'm excited. It is sort of a big deal. Thanks, yeah. AriShafir.com for tickets.

Yep. Big fucking deal. I'm excited. It is sort of a big deal. It is. I don't know if you've ever seen. I was watching some comedy clubs where they were talking about someone that was doing the round thing, and they kept saying, oh, you're doing the round?

And it was kind of annoying me. In the round? Yeah, doing the inside comedy talk annoys me a little bit when i hear it i can i can imagine like if you were a audience member listening to comedians use like comedy words would piss me off especially when you're using it to try to be cool like when you're talking about bobby de niro you're like fuck you dude you know everyone in the world or you just use like oh chris said this like who oh chris rock like why would i assume that Why would I assume that? Why would I assume that, though? You're trying to... Yeah, it has very...

It's like the way that, you know, like, oh, you come in and do a nooner at the... It's like the way that, like, truckers... Yeah, of course. Yeah. But this is... Is this the biggest, like... By far the biggest one I've ever done on my own, definitely.

Yo, sick. How good is that that, like, kind of now that, like, you're as big as you ever were right now i mean it's a great time yeah and also what do you mean well what do you mean the reason i mean that is actually well so i was because the anal bleeding because there was one of the things that even when i put questions in our patreon like everyone was like you know why does ari never apologize like and i see you a lot so a part of me is kind of like i i don't even think of it like you're so in the comedy like we even we had like martin scrawley on like last weekend a lot of people like can't believe

you had him on i was like oh i guess like i didn't even cross my mind that would like i'm so you know what i mean you're so in it but for you to say that like get all in all that trouble or whatever maybe two or three times and then you're the biggest you've ever been right now to say that like get all in all that trouble or whatever maybe two or three times and then you're the biggest you've ever been right now to me that is like cool yeah this is the new reality of cancellations where i am uh selling out more than i've ever sold in my life it's almost like there's no such thing it's almost as if they didn't all just make my legend of i'll go there yeah uh yeah it's so funny it's so funny the obsessed people yeah they watch it and they'll do me and lists were talking about it where they're

like why you friends with that guy but they're not actually asking they're not going like wait I like you oh that's a good point hey why are you why are you friends what don't I know instead they're like I'm attacking you too for doing yeah yeah I've heard one no one else who was annoying me on that on that same tip is when people go uh you'll say something and someone goes bad take on that and they didn't say why you're wrong they just you know what i mean you're just like especially when it's about comedy you go okay well i've been doing this for you know 13 years and you think i'm wrong about that one so

explain to me why the funny thing bad take there is no wrong there's no wrong in in any sort of art form it's not wrong it's like if picasso used's not wrong. It's like if Picasso used blue. Nope. Wrong. Use red. No, no. It's just a choice. It's not wrong or right.

It can't be wrong. Yeah. That's the people who like someone's killing and they go like, that guy sucks or whatever. You're like, they're like huge comic. I love it. Not funny. Hilarious. Hilarious.

Hilarious. Not funny. Hilarious. Hilarious. Hilarious. No, they're objectively very funny and doing well. You don't like them. Where are the laughs coming from? Yeah. I don't like them. Where are the laughs coming from?

Yeah, I don't like them. But they go like, I don't like him, but they go, he sucks. Or like, she sucks. And you're like, no, they're objectively doing very well. Objectively, exactly. 100%. Anyway, it sucks being canceled. I live in a shadow of my former self.

And they've taken me out of these small clubs. I feel bad. You never get an apology after, too, when you're back on top. That's what you want. You want someone to apologize when you're back on top. I think that but then you never get an apology after two and you're back on top and then That's what you want Apology when you're back on time I think that's what you want someone from the industry to call you and be like hey like you're crushing it again We sort of tried to do this and obviously it didn't work. Dude. I'm waiting so I'll get it from occasional regular people regular people I'll get cuz you know I got flooded with violent threats or whatever which I've been getting for so long. They don't matter

I'll get because you know I got flooded with violent threats or whatever which I've been getting for so long. They don't matter Whenever I see an actress like I was kind of a death threat like they're not real you fucking it is your first time getting death threats But that's why I didn't I miss a lot of them. They were just there were thousands a day So so now I'll see a message Stinks I mean yeah, I just wasn't on there. But I was like, can I keep up? I wanted to see them all, but I can't keep up. Then my favorite one was, if you come to North Carolina, I'll beat your ass.

And then an hour later, oh, I do see you in North Carolina right now. But if you come to Greensboro, North Carolina. I'm not really traveling to beat your ass. But then I'll get a message now and be like, hey, sorry about before. And then two years earlier, like, I thought you were a piece of shit. I hope you die. And then it's an apology.

Never comedians that turn against you. Never industry. They never go, hey, man, I was way off. I was going to apologize publicly. You get the apology from the fans. Yeah, the comics will just move on. They hate apologies. I do get people that were like,

oh, I used to hate you and now I like you. And I was like, and I haven't even been here for that long so i was like that was in a pretty short span that might have been last month i see yeah exactly i see some people like defending me we're like no he's a piece of shit but you should check out his last special it's actually pretty good i love that yeah separating the artist from the art you know yeah no one do not come to see me because of who i am as a person yeah sure that's the last reason you should come see me because of who i am as a person sure that's the last reason you should come see me i'm a heel and i'm a bad person you should just see what i do on stage but then this is where i i did have like a whole thing i want to talk about in a bit but like i feel like me and you talk about

a little bit but you have the best opinion on just like how actors are such pieces of shit and right now on topic of not getting apologizing, right now, a bunch, so everyone turned on Prince Harry and Meghan or whatever. At the same time, it became the thing to get. It's the standard take. And if you go against the standard take, people get mad at you.

So you're all just hacky. They're all hacks. And a lot of people, so how many articles were like, oh, he's bad now and this and that. And you go, okay, so do you apologize for when we said that and you said we're racist? Uh-huh.

Or whatever. Uh-huh. Or when you go to like. I basically want an apology. That's the gist of my. From the press. Yeah, from the press. Or when, what's her name?

What's Elliot Page's old name? Ellen. Yeah. Ellen Page was like, just accept that I'm a homosexual. Fuck you for not accepting this. And you're like later like, no, no, you were a dude. Yeah. Can we get an apology? You're a straight white man. Right. You're not later like no no you were a dude can we get an apology

you're a straight white man you're not a homosexual can you please get me an apology exactly you were wrong and I was right nice six pack by the way yeah

impressive that's the basis of the movie Juno like she's so cool I don't know something about her it's like yeah she's a dude you're hanging out with a dude straight white male cute dude

best it is a bad life available though being like a five foot two dude with no dick. Oof, that's tough. It's tough.

You're not getting a lot of puss. I feel like actors is the most where you're just like, there's been like five or six now they're like, oh, so it turns out Will Smith's an asshole.

Turns out this person's an asshole. You're like, yeah, so they're all crappy and they've been all, and we've had to listen to them tell us what to do. You don't have to wait

for the next one to be proven an asshole. Just assume is yeah yeah when when assume he's got authorities on anything yeah was it lying not an asshole five minutes before he did that yeah he was already capable of that he didn't fuck up he's always been a phony all of them are phony they have no real life they have no real humanity yeah they are and it's i've their products and you go and this is kind of the thing that we'll argue with people in my life before too, because I'm like, I feel like I do have an inside scoop.

I've dated actors, isn't that like- They're the worst. Yes, you go, and you go, at the very least, they're nothing. It's like, it's not good or bad. At the most, it's nothing, and they're whatever they- The worst part is that they're so replaceable, like generally actors,

because you're like, you're not writing the material. Right. You're just doing, and you're like, there's, how many of you- You don't think you can get into the hot chick to fucking play pretend for 10 minutes? Exactly, but you're like, there are a thousand of you. Like, you think the person who came second for that role

couldn't have done it exactly the same? You guys didn't live in LA, so I would go commercial auditions. Yeah, yeah. And so commercial auditions, that's- I have, we've done that. We've done commercial auditions in Toronto, but yeah. Commercial auditions is the dog walking for LA.

Yeah. It's a substitute teaching. It's just our day jobs to get by. Yeah. You know? And sometimes it paid well. And you see these actresses come in, and that's the bot. That's, you're not making it if you're doing commercial auditions.

But there are these nines and tens. And they're the hottest girl in three years in Kansas City. And they move to LA, and you are average. Yeah. And there's is desperation of like fuck my powers are gone he's you know also it's like it's so random about how these are even selected like you were not the best person that ate a bowl of cereal right they just were like that person well Bobby Lee always gave me the advice he goes you got to make them like be cool

in the room when you come in he goes make them be the person they want to invite to their Christmas party yeah that's all it is because i had a commercial audition uh acting coach whatever and he goes then it's not commercial acting anybody can catch a beer and go oh bud awesome yeah that's nothing he goes and if you get a flat tire on your way to the shoot they're just gonna be like hey camera guy you're in you know they go through a lot change anything i mean i've i've made like a lot of i've made two TV shows that I like showrunner whatever and plenty of times

we needed an extra person to do a few lines and we just got a grip and like nothing changed yeah for sure wait wait wasn't it you

who was in a commercial with Tiger Woods yeah me and Renesisi Renesisi was telling you about that I go like that's so fucking crazy it was so fun

they were like this is my manly one hold on someone just tagged me in that Is that you? Yeah Oh my god But that's me being a man

Getting out of a truck You're still playing pretend Look at this homo Trying to act normal Wow With your shirt over your Like a real man would be Oh I play billiards and such

Drive a classic car Cause me and Danny Are doing a manliness competition. Oh my God. With a fire by the fucking sunset. Fuck you. It's for work clothes. But the reason it's funny is because, so I booked,

I hated going to this stuff, right? So I got this commercial and then I didn't go to the audition because I was just like, you know, screw it. I don't want to do, it's like for a manly man. And I was just like, so I just didn't go. And then my agent just messaged me and was like, hey, they's like for a manly man. And I was just like, so I just didn't go.

And then my agent just messaged me and was like, hey, they want you a callback for that. And I was like, okay, but I didn't go. So I fucked off. Yeah, and then I was like, okay. But in Canada, it was at the time you didn't get money for callbacks and stuff like that, whatever. Oh, really?

Yeah, yeah. You got 50 bucks. That's great. Well, but whatever. You're also like more likely to get it. So I go to the thing and then I book it. And then I was talking to the producer on the day and she was like, oh, I was like a fan of your band and this and that. then I was talking to the producer on the day and she was like,

oh, I was like a fan of your band and this and that and I was like crazy and then she was like, yeah, and like all the stuff you do and she was like going on and on and I was like,

oh, it's crazy and I'm like also, I never thought that I would book this because I didn't think it was good for you. She goes, yeah, I don't know

if you were listening to me for the last 25 minutes but it's because I'm your fan. Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't have booked it. Dude, I got a Budweiser commercial. I had to play a handyman. So it's corrupt. I had to play a handyman. So it's corrupt.

I had to play a handyman who was like a carpet installer, which is not my type. I'm HR, maybe substitute teacher. Yes. Wacky dad. What's going on with this? And the guy's like, honestly, we gave a commercial campaign to Carl's Mencia

and we found all this stuff. We felt bad. So we wanted to make it up to you. Oh, it was a makeup call. Yeah. Love it. Yeah. I was like

i'll take it i'll take them all but i think the moral of both of those stories is you're one of these actresses that's one of a hundred people sitting in this room and you got no clue that that guy's getting it because of some favor they think they know what the worst thing is because we knew a lot of that in toronto is the people who like book two commercials and all of the think that all of a sudden think they're somebody greatest actor in the world and you're like this is so this is gonna go away yeah really soon and we've seen it with every single one of them he goes this is going away what are you doing i've spilled fucking coffee in my stupid shirt i like it it's one of the worst things to get out this is the juiciest i've ever been on a podcast does anyone have a tight don't let it set don't

let it set in dude it was so fun being with Tiger Woods we had to make him talk shit awesome tell the story so we were going to auditions the fun thing with

commercial auditions in LA as a new young comic is you have nothing to do all day it was pre-podcast there was really nothing to do

till 8pm so maybe you meet up for a hike or something whatever so if I had an audition at 12 it's like get me out of the house I'll play a pretend for 30 minutes maybe I'll run So maybe you meet up for a hike or something, whatever. So if I had an audition at 12,

it's like, sweet, get me out of the house. I'll play a pretend for 30 minutes. And maybe I'll run into some other comics. A lot of comics. So you meet up, you want to go to lunch? And it was great. You'd fuck around. They'd go in, then they'd wait around for an hour while you're waiting.

What else am I going to do? Stare at hot chicks. And so Renazisi was there at the same time. We went in together. And he had just Xeroxed his passport because he needed it for some other thing. And we were talking shit to each other and I grabbed his Xerox and I tore it up.

And he was like, dude, I need that for real though. Like what are you doing? Anyway, so they called us both. That was just a menace. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Even then they were inklings of what I, the evil I had become. Were there any signs?

I guess you could say so. Women disappear in the neighborhood. Such a menace. Yeah. So so anyway they had us both go down there they wanted to make tiger talk shit but they were like do not curse around him he's very clean cut it was before all the scandals came out yeah definitely don't bring up his dad who had just died um why would you bring up that i know like we might might have cursed. Tiger Woods comes in. He goes, you motherfucker's ready to do this shit? And we're like, what the fuck?

That guy said that to Kurt? Wait, this is not the audition. No, this is when we were in LA. We got to fly to him. He doesn't fly anywhere for commercials. But you had booked this. We had both booked it. You auditioned together, booked it.

Booked it, amongst some other people, too. But he went down there. And then at some point, they were like, Tiger, do you need anything to eat? From the clubhouse, we can get some braised broccoli he goes no i passed taco bell like a mile back just give me some taco bell he's such a normal dude yeah he's such a normal guy taco bell i wouldn't have assumed yeah i won't eat that i mean he was he was fucking the taco bell of chicks so that actually makes sense now the friendliest waitresses but uh but he goes say like do you need any coffee or anything? He goes,

no, I don't like, I don't want coffee. And Renazisi goes, yeah, I can't drink like hot liquid. You know, it's like it was a block for me.

And Tiger goes, I got some hot liquid for you right here. I'm like, what? This guy's awesome. This guy rules. It was so cool.

He's a boss. He's a boss. It was so cool. And they're telling you not to swear in front of him. Yeah, so we had a director there. I of him yeah so we had a director there i forgot about this we had a director there and he was like he worked with tiger like five

times before and so then at some point director leaves and tiger's like i fucking hate that guy they keep booking him yeah they they were like it's a it's a voiceover we don't need any director we just thought he'd be comfortable with this guy and i was like i fucking hate him yeah i hate it but he's like they keep fucking throwing him on his shoots yeah I guess tiger didn't want to be like no more with that guy yeah exactly he could have easily been like

yo don't book that guy anymore but they're only booking him to make him happy it's so funny it was for the video game it was just like get a director he's worked with it'll make him comfortable

yeah EA Sports Tiger Woods 07 he would give me like bad advice he was like no aim for this and then I would like fuck up and I'm like wait that didn't work at all he goes

he's like the most competitive guy on earth yeah he I hit a shot once He would give me bad advice. He was like, no, aim for this. And then I would fuck up. And I'm like, wait, that didn't work at all. He goes, ha, ha, ha. He's like the most competitive guy on earth. Yeah, I hit a shot once. And it was going up. It was going to bounce before the green. And I was like, oh, this is a good shot. He goes, nah, it's going to roll off the back bunker on the left. And I'm like, no, no, it's good.

And it bounced twice, rolled in the green, went left, and went into the back bunker. And I was like, how did you know that? I played this course like 50 times. He goes, yeah, I'm the best golfer in the world. Yeah how'd you know that? I played this course like 50 times. He goes, yeah, I'm the best golfer in the world. Yeah, the best golfer.

I played this course. I know how it goes. Yeah. You could probably tell him what jokes are going to bomb. Yeah. He also wouldn't play with his own. It was a fun show. Wouldn't he play with,

he wouldn't play with his own man. He wouldn't be Tiger. Oh, he wouldn't be Tiger. Oh, he thought it was pretentious. So he goes, I'll just start a new man.

And then he drove a shot and it went like one 80. I don't know how many fucking stone that is in your fucking culture. But like, it went like 180 and like went into a creek. He was like, what the, I didn't clear the creek. He goes, yeah, dude, this is how we play. Yeah, yeah. You start a new man.

You don't have superpowers here. Tiger Woods hits 320 off the tee. Yeah, exactly. This guy. Have you ever been, have you ever had any of the stuff yourself where like when you're on like a movie or acting thing or when you're doing your show that you started to feel a little important?

Like you could feel it seeping in? Dude, yes. My first commercial, it was in Monument Valley where the Grand Canyon is. And I hated it how they referred to actors as the talent. Yeah, they do. I was amazed. I was like, everybody here has got talent.

What? Yeah. What the fuck? There was a talent car. So if you're like a camera guy, you couldn't ride in the talent car. They really get in your head, too, where you'll be like, oh, these people are here for the full day, and those people are just here for the half day.

And you're like, ew. Ew, fucking halflings. I know, when I did a stupid halfling. They make you eat lunch in different places. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Dude, when I did that fucking- They do make you feel like, day one, you show up

and you're just like, oh, this will be cool. Day two, you're like, who the fuck are these nobody? Don't let them look me in the eye. When I did Phil City or the movie or whatever, there was like, we were eating lunch and there was all these extras on set

and I like sat down with the extras to eat lunch and then because I was like I don't care and then someone came up and they're like oh like we sit over here and I'm like we literally and I go like I'm good like I'm just I mean I like these people we're sitting with this chicken it started yeah yeah I'm like I'm eating and I these people are fine I don't know if you saw but that guy's got grease on his hands we don don't associate with that. Look at his nails. Yeah. Yeah. And it was like, I remember there was a box of Chex Mix in the shot.

Like, hey, Chex Mix is in the shot. I was like, I'll get it. Like, no, no, no. We got to get you guys for that. Are you crazy? Yeah, I was like, no, it's right here. I'll just get it. No, no.

I mean, if you want, you can spit on him while he gets it. By day three, we had to move to a new location. I got out of the car. My luggage was there. I was like, who's moving these? They're gonna get themselves in my room it was just like you incorporate it I see how they get like that it's you it's so easy it's expected yeah they they

force you to like they force you to think you're important and then before probably to be an actor it'd be like to be a girl to get those important roles you're like you had to be blowing dudes now you just have to you know say what cause you support or whatever so it's not even you don't even have to do all the dirty stuff that's my actual favorite thing of this new whole whole climate i guess or whatever is that hot girls have really been taken down a peg why well because everybody gets roles because every dude you don't see like models like six is a lead now dude my girlfriend legitimately all the time she's looking online shopping she goes she goes look anybody can be a model and she'll just point to some like sure some hag 320 pounds yeah like in a bikini and my resume is i read three books last year

my girlfriend's like look anybody can be a model yeah it's true it really is everyone's doing the funny thing was like the they used to suck dick for real like i don't think anyone understands this no one deserves to get raped shouldn't even have to say that but these sluts are fucking whores this ain't your sister your mom these are the hardcore sluts in the world and if they're not talking to a producer they're fucking seven other dudes this week yeah and they're fame hungry they're very hungry like they are like there's no reason why i should not be like tara reed yep you know it might be tara reed probably said that about herself yeah me and my buddy said this once we went to skybar once or twice with like robert skybar it was like this trendy whatever yeah i've heard of waitresses across

from the comedy store and uh we couldn't you know no one would talk to us and they were like let's just get business cards made that say producer. And it would have worked because that's all you need is to be like, ooh, you might be able to get stuff made. Can we talk? Like, let's hang out. They'll like you better. How many dudes in Hollywood have gotten blown by lying about fucking being a producer? So many. The other guys are like, yo, if you're a big star movie producer, you get all these girls to blow you.

And the other guy's like, I've got an even better one. You just say you're a producer. That or just carry coke with you that's for sure it's like you don't have to do coke just carry it oh guys it boils down to the creepiest thing you go no i just provide it you know it tracks sluts you have a trail of it i lead him in like like saint patrick leading out the snakes it legitimately does attract sluts though. It really does. Sluts love Coke.

They love Coke. Love Coke and the possibility of movie roles. Yeah. It's what Danny said before is like with the cereal thing but there's

in other industries like if you're going to be a CEO and you're like hey my son's going to run this company and the son's like botching it like there is ramifications of that.

There is no ramifications of your daughter like taking this role where she eats the cereal slightly worse. No, because like those courses are purely brand awareness. I very rarely watch a movie where I'm like these actors are bad.

And even if I am watching and I'm like these actors are bad, it's usually because the movie's low budget, the camera works weird. The acting is like, it's just, I don't know, acting's acting sometimes. Some of the big actors.

It's like 90% of them fall, of working ones are just fine. And occasionally you're like, it's just, I don't know. Acting is acting sometimes. It's some of the big acts. It's like 90% of them fall, of working ones, are just fine. And occasionally, they're like, damn. Yeah, there's like a Daniel Day-Lewis. Daniel Day-Lewis is exactly like that. Every one of our retard friends was able to waltz on over and do it fine. Yeah, exactly.

Like, the person who didn't get the role was almost got the role. Like, he was third. And it would have been no different besides these, like, Taya Leone was just as good as Julia Roberts of course yeah that's why when people ever refer to me

as an actor I'm like nah I'm like Daniel Day-Lewis is an actor I'm like I am myself reading lines one time I was doing a commercial

and the director was like no do it more this they use these words they're like do it more like West Hollywood do it more like upscale or whatever it is and they won't say it

and eventually I kept missing it and I'm like hey dude I actually am not an actor can you just sit in the couch and do it and i'll just copy you yeah yeah the line yeah he was like really i'm like yeah i have no no relation to this at all so i'm just here for a check so absolutely i don't know what these words are they're saying and was he able to do it yeah he goes exactly what you want like yeah yeah i don't know it's like offensive to not do that that's what you want. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I don't care. Oh, it's offensive to not do that. That's why. They don't do it because... That's my process.

Yeah, you're basically like, how are you doing over there? And the guy's just like, can you say how you're doing over there? But they can't say that because if you ever said that to someone else, it's like a very offensive thing. It'd be like a comment. Up and at them. Up and at them. Up and at them.

What did you just say to me? Did you just try to do my job for me? It'd be the equivalent of like probably like the surgeon they think of it as like a surgeon and then someone else like popping in there and yeah back to driving a surgery exactly but they're so worthless that they think of it as that they have to make it like no this is this is really like really deep what i'm doing here canada was a weird one too at least in toronto because all the people who did the casting too were all also actors who were also mad at you so then no but you'd be like auditioning and then the person who's casting it is in 15 commercials right now you're gonna be in this commercial I know

I can picture their faces yeah you know exactly what I'm talking about it's so corrupt it's insane and you're like I need to be here because you said you'd see. I've done a commercial audition where you go in and the guy's behind the camera and you go do it. And then I watch the commercial and the guy who's behind the camera is in the commercial. Is in the commercial. Oh, yeah. All the time.

I still see guys that were running cameras in LA in stuff now. And I've been gone for 10 years. Dude, one time I did a commercial. It's so corrupt. I did a commercial audition for a Pazone yeah with pizza I was trying to change the game at pizza

and they're like alright do it some guy comes in and offers you a Pazone okay I do it then they're like now do it like more realistic and I was like

someone's like hey you want a Pazone I'm like hey dude we're working here you gotta get the fuck out of here and then the guy who was auditioning

with me we left he goes hey thanks for rooting for both of us bro that was a fucking dick move and then i shot the commercial they booked me yeah and i know he's at home going what yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah because you basically did the reverse improv right yeah and then the scummy have you ever done where you improv lines and

then you don't book it and the lines are in the commercial that is uh they're're notorious. I don't know if they do that here, but Toronto is notorious. I'm the guy who offered to suck the dick. Where comics would be like, yeah, I improvised this whole thing. They didn't book me and then they used all my lines. SAG started making a rule that you have to pay the person in that audition like a hundred bucks or something like that if you use his lines. Yeah, they didn't have that in Toronto. Eventually.

You know what was the worst about using stuff? We were all convinced. eventually so you know what was the worst about using stuff it was we were all convinced i mean up 95 the family guy writers would come into the comedy store and just take lines yeah because they were so specific for like people like benji whatever like that's a benji law it's just so and have it over and over and over again i mean seinfeld did that notoriously really well so yeah allegedly well i've i've heard this story, but- More like allegedly, if you ask Norman. So they apparently got banned from all these clubs because, so you remember the Muffin Top episode?

Uh-huh. So apparently that was Kevin James' big closer. He had a whole thing about Muffin Tops. Just the Muffin, yeah. Just the Muffin Top or whatever. james big closer he had a whole thing about muffin tops just have the muffin yeah just the muffin top or whatever and then they were coming into clubs to watch comedy and this is a good idea they go this is a good idea for a seinfeld thing and so they stole like kevin james huge closer damn and then it ended up in seinfeld then you're obviously like well that's garbage i am because i'm doing a

sign yeah you can't be doing your muffin top bit now of course the scene in zoolander where they're all spraying gas on each other. It's Todd Glass. For real? Yeah, I think they had a big thing and they had to re-edit it and put him in the credits. Really? Yeah. Whoa.

Scummy. Yeah, but it was Family Guy specifically and it was pretty much comics in the store after 11 p.m. And did people know what the writers looked like when they showed up? No, no. It just kept showing up in episodes. And you're like, I don't know who's doing it, but someone's doing it. And I mean, if you're a Family Guy writer

and you're just like, man, I feel like I could get fired any week, it's like you have a weird incentive to do that. Imagine being the Family Guy writer going in disguise and you're just like, I have the perfect scam right now. I don't have to do my job. Imagine if you're like a Nazi

and you haven't killed any Jews lately. Like, fuck, I'll just murder a regular and then plant a yarmulke on him got him hit my quota yeah I swear that's what I'm he's gotta be tried

in a different kind of tribunal did you kill a Christian no look at his yarmulke fellas gonna take a quick break to tell you about

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So okay So actors suck So basically So the point of it Is actors suck Well I always think I don't know if I've said this to you But I feel like

On the like The way to like Live your life It's on the scale of like Ari to Schultz Do you know what I mean Schultz rules What do you mean

Well I don't mean that On like which one's better i think i might be to be honest probably closer a little bit of both i guess yeah but you're just both if i was to pick i probably am a little bit closer to him than you know you know what i mean but i'm saying in terms of when i see a celebrity when i see a celebrity i get kind of just angry on sight at them and where schultz like they're probably a good guy with no i don't sorry i'm more thinking about it's i'm more thinking sort of like lifestyle design,

the fact that you'll disappear for two months as opposed to, you know, here's the perfect thing. Even me and you have talked about you don't really want to have essentially like

have four people working for you because you see that as like a pain in the ass. This thing rules. Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah. You have cameras set up. Don't listen to him.

We have five people behind these cameras. Yeah, exactly. But there's sort of like an in-'t belittle our thing The fourth wall you asshole You're a big crew. Well, no for the patreon. We got a lot of people to feed We actually do that is a part of like what I like about not having someone here because it's like, you know We we're friends. So it's like we come here and we don't have another person that you don't know here Yeah, right. That's exactly it. I've been on podcasts. And also, when he's like,

I want to go get a coffee, he's like, no big deal. You don't have somebody to go, come on, man, I got a fucking meeting later. No, I think the podcast, like going to someone else's podcast that's your buddy, but then there's other people you don't know there, and it's kind of like awkward, and it's like, it wouldn't be awkward if they weren't there. But, the moral of the story was, so, TikTok had this

trend, and it was like, TikTok's viral. Shultz and Shafirir i kind of like this you know what i mean yeah yeah yeah i do get what you're saying neither one's a negative it's just yeah okay i get what you're saying the the scale yeah yeah yeah yeah because i'm always convincing all these fucking sellout la comics to take a fucking month off and i can't i'm like you can just bank four episodes you could do five episodes in a week, and now you have a month. But they don't do it, and they're going crazy. And I'm like, dude, get lost.

Just get lost. Rejuvenate. I feel like Ryan's more like, I'm more like that, for sure. I would love to just take off for a month and go to some exotic place. Where I feel like you'd hate that. I mean, you hate traveling. Back to Laos.

Well, a lot of the people's questions were that about you. Like, how do you, if you're going to be the guy that takes off for a month, like, how do you think of that in your brain? Because you're right. I don't see any scenario where I could ever do that. I could see a scenario where it's trying to do what you do, where it's like, okay, bank all this stuff, and I'm still, I wake up in some other place, and I'm working four hours a day,

and it's like, I don't know. That's not as fun. I did that in Ecuador during the pandemic, but it was like, well, you know, suddenly we had no jobs except this. I couldn't know. That's not as fun. I did that in Ecuador during the pandemic, but it was like, suddenly we had no jobs except this. I couldn't do live entertainment, maybe ever again. Everyone got a taste of it during the pandemic. Right, so it's like,

okay, I'll be in Ecuador, but I still got to work. I still got to do Zoom podcasts. Uh-huh. And it wasn't quite as fun as being fully lost. Yeah. You're connected still. So you go,

what, you just go flip phone? I went to Guatemala inala in december for through almost three weeks left my phone at home left my computer at home got a burner just phone put a sim card in it from ec from guatemala yeah and just lost contact with everybody oh dude i love that it was great stayed in hostels again i was just there in hostels and stuff no okay here or there like one was like hey what the fuck are you doing this hostel like same as you and they're like okay cool yeah they're cool people if they're traveling yeah of course do you think that like benefits you in terms of you're actually

better off or do you think this is more like good for the soul but like actually your career probably you aren't getting as much done or do you know what i mean no i think i think uh going fallow you know what does that mean uh when you leave a field and don't plant anything for sick for a few months you like you just let the field like the soil that's what it's called go fallow and then it rejuvenates and then it's like then it's like a fertile again uh-huh you have to like not grow because taking off certain nutrients or you swap back and forth oh like you beat it to death yeah you beat it to death it's no good you have to be stuck in traffic and then all of a sudden that's when you write bits when you're fucking bored as shit Yeah, because if you go straight to returning emails and text messages and like it you're not letting your mind work

So complete but and we're on stage in front of people like all the time and talking to all the time So we have no real disconnected time regular people have eight hours from their five co-workers, and then they're just alone all night We don't really get it So you know some people have to talk to people all day at work like maybe they work coworkers And then they're just alone all night We don't really get it So we need a hard break Sometimes some people Go have to talk to people All day at work Like maybe they work retail

And then they come home And have to talk to their family All night Some people it's like that too But we talk to so many people And people are at us all the time So there's no time to stop And like

You can't just be like Okay I'm gonna write For an hour in my head It's hours and hours and hours And then I start Fucking using my brain Yeah Do you know how people meditate And that's supposed to be like that?

Do you think that's like, if your day at 20 minutes is meditating, on your year, your month is like your meditation of the year? Right, right. Yes, exactly. Go completely done. I mean, it's like a super long psychedelic experience to go travel for a month. It really is. Yeah.

It's like it kind of, I feel like- I only know how to party. Yeah, it's like a similar benefit. The relaxing part I can't do, but maybe after a, I feel like. I only know how to party. Yeah, it's like a similar benefit. The relaxing part I can't do, but maybe after a week I would. But like, I only know how to, if I'm taking a week off, I only know how to go and like party for a week. Yeah, it takes a while. So that is cool.

And then you get over that and you're like, well, now what's there to do? I can't. You can't party for the 14th day. It's like early COVID. Like, let's drink. And then we're like, fuck, it's been a month. Let's fucking take a walk. You know, this might not end anytime soon.

Yeah. And I guess you have to sort of, the truth is you have to design your life in a way like you it's harder probably to pull off with a family like all that sort of stuff right it's impossible you're a scumbag legitimately i i led my life i i mean it was i i was moving to new york and um i was just kind of sick of la not sick of it i just like sick of the sameness yeah all York, and I was just kind of sick of LA. Not sick of it. I was just sick of the sameness. Yeah. We knew all the restaurants, and I was moving to New York, and Segura, Tom Segura, Latino comic, said, he was like, damn, I wish I could move to New York. And I was like, just do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What do you mean? You can. It's not. It's just a flight. And he goes, no, I'm married. Didn't have any kids at the time. He goes, no, I'm married.

I can't. And then she's got to leave, and's from here so she can't go. And I was like, okay, but all you're telling me is you're not doing what you want. You were saying you want to do. And then,

now he's had a great life, you know, but then I started like mentally going, I want to live my life to make Tom Segura jealous. You know, I don't want to just be a single guy

and play video games all day because it's like, oh, you're wasting a lot. I want to do these crazy things like, fuck, he's really doing single right. Yeah. You know, so like not as a spiteful thing, but like, yeah, I don't know. Think of him going, wow, that's awesome. And you're in the right spot. It kind of is a little bit like.

And then he got back at me by doing the same thing. But I just do arenas. My dad, that is also very cool. You know, me by doing the same thing. But I was like, how about I just do arenas? I'm like, fuck. Damn, that is also very cool. He's doing the married life well. He's not doing the fucking boring, got to go home. He's doing adventures and having fun. Yeah, he is doing it cool.

He's touring South America. Yeah, he's great. Yeah, there's so many people, though, that tell you about what they want to do and then why. And then you go, here's what I'm not going to do. And you're just like, I've stopped even having those conversations because you're just like, there's just two types of people sort of, and people get to decide.

You're like, whether you're the person who's, I want to do this and I'm going to do it, or I'm the, you know, I'm going to, I want to do this and that'll sort of just be in my head for the next 20 years. Yeah, yeah. Dude, COVID made a lot of people realize like,

hey, if, if, wait, I want to make a kombucha, but I never have time. It's like, well, you got so much time. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just got to stop saying you're want to make a kombucha, but I never have time. It's like, well, you got so much time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you just got to stop saying you're going to make a kombucha. The craziest were the comics when COVID kind of ended and they go, all right, time to start a podcast. And you're like, what were you doing?

Now? Now? You're starting a podcast now? Yeah. Yeah, that and all. But I think it called so many people's bluff. So many people were like, I want to do this and this and this. How many times am I going to learn to surf?

We have friends again. And on top of that, they gave you money. So you're like, now you're on welfare. And it was like, now you really have no excuse. And like, live as easy. You don't have to get a job. It's great. And then they go, well, I'm depressed now.

Yeah. Dude, when I went to Ecuador, I had probably six or seven of my friends say, I want to come visit you. I'm like, sure. I'll scout it out. I'll make sure it's safe. Whatever. Shane was like, I like beach, not mountains. I'm like, sure, dude. I can pick you I'll make sure it's safe. Shane was like, I like beach, not mountains.

I'm like, sure, dude. I can pick you up from the airport. We can go to the beach. It's not that big a country. Never came. So-and-so never came. So-and-so never came. Joe List and Sarah came.

Okay. And that was it. Everybody else was like, oh, I'd like to, but there's no time. I think I remember that. It's a direct flight from New York. Yeah. It just seemed just like crazy. It seemed a bit crazy, yeah.

You're right, though. It is kind of nothing, though. york yeah it just seemed just like crazy it seemed a bit crazy yeah you're right though it's not it is kind of nothing though i was even like talking about potentially doing like uh a tour in the uk and it was like i was making such a big deal of it that i actually looked the flight up to london you're like i don't know it's hours yeah whatever it's just like can we stop thinking of this as a big month-long thing let's just think do it for a week and just think of it like any other week you could totally do that you could totally go to san diego for gigs and come right back yeah it's the same shit but in my mind it was like if you're gonna go you're gonna go you're like i'm crossing the

ocean i'm going to europe but you're like yeah it seems like as long as you're there you should you should do something well but that was the part that was making me hate it yeah yeah you can't you can't he doesn't like doing he hates the stuff i'm going in the end of april i want to do stuff that's why i'm trying to get advice from the best stuff doer okay so this is what i this is what i did he was like we got you for a month all over the uk i'm like i don't want that uh let's cancel wales cancel fucking liverpool cancel all these places uh my glasgow manchester london done that's it yeah and then from there they're like let's go to europe like all right we got these normals i'm like i want to go some weird place like romania and they're like won't be as much money i'm like I I already have some money money's not really this yeah but when am I going to get to

go to Romania again you know I always say capital it sounds cool I go capitals I'm not I'm not in need of capital right now yeah exactly that is cool that is cool I'm gonna use that like if someone's like I'm not in need of capital but but it's also a fucking free vacation Yeah, so it's even yeah, you like yeah plan an hour. You have some time to like go to Greece On the tour. It's like I remember hearing gaffigan going to Athens. I'm like fuck African plays everywhere Yeah, but and then I'm like now I'll play Athens. It'll be 140 people You know 5,000 cedar, but it'll be cool to be out Yeah, but those 140 people be like this is the the sickest thing ever they're like we're seeing Ari in fucking Athens

I think one of my best shows ever was in Shanghai yeah at a small room it was like people like we don't get American comics

yeah early on and they were just so fucking wild yeah or they don't I mean they probably don't get

of your like stature American comics it was before oh before that yeah it was like an inkling of maybe

that I've heard of this guy. Oh, okay. So that's the travel component. And then there's the biggest one that right now, and this sort of, I feel like after all the feminism and culture war stuff has sort of come into some sort of a conclusion.

Yeah, it's wrapping up. We're now at the point, you know the Lord of the Rings trilogy? And then you're is this movie still going like didn't wrap up all the questions have been asked yeah the thing in the lava yeah and they're like yeah but there's 40 more minutes left we're in that time now a little bit yeah so then people are sort of like like there's this big like they're gonna be a trad wife is a chad wife trad wife so basically this whole tiktok trend right now of girls being like, I'm like an old school wife.

Like I stay at home. And then everyone's sort of getting mad at it. Leave it to Beaver's mom. What? Leave it to Beaver's mom. Right. Like just like that 50s mom. Or a loving classical value.

Classic. Just like does all the stuff, like doesn't work, takes care of the house, the kids. And then it is a big thing. And then people are sort of getting mad at it. Because that doesn't mean that that's the woman's only place no that is woman's only place

but what they're saying is not that it means that but again a woman's place is in the kitchen or nowhere else I agree with that we were saying

that there was an article that said in Canada I think it might have been here too but it was like two thirds of women were diagnosed

with mental illness which means one thirds walking around undiagnosed i mean it's so funny saying like two-thirds of women have like a mental illness you're like it sounds like what you're calling mental illness is just your umbrella term yeah for like anything no logic uh i mean this article said that 50 of men have mental illness you're like this is pretty well they're just everything's that right so when it boils down to the the wife thing and

then there's wives deciding like people are so extreme right but the question is what is the what do you think the benefits are the wife and that was one of the questions is what would be the worst quality than a girlfriend what's the qualities and girlfriends you had that you go this is the worst one or avoid that at all costs i mean actress you don't want someone i've dated them they're so like solid cystic they don't think the word the world like is without them yeah it's invented for them kind of like a matrix they have their own matrix built around them as a central character and if they died that world ends that's a very good way i remember uh i think i heard al madrigal and i think rogan or something but he's like you can't have two head

shots that's an old school thing yeah rogan had a no headshot policy yeah you can't have two head shots in the in the uh i said no pictures of you no no he said no he's saying no only one person kind of having a dream like that yeah i don't know you want someone who supports you and someone who's funny you can't have someone too hot. Okay, this is the question. That's the dream. So you think too hot's trouble. It's like this myth of having a nine and a half that's also really cool.

And it is possible. So everyone keeps looking for it. But it's just not there. What are the negatives of the too hot? So into themselves. Has never seen repercussions uh huh they live in a different life yeah

we had a woman explain to us what uh she was a writer for I don't know what some Comedy Central show it was a former network on television

um and she said it was white privilege and the way she said it was she was this really cute black chick who was a writer I forget the show

and uh young and at the back table sitting with Vecchione who's starving to death you know at the time and she goes you know

poverty one of the best comics in the world and just fucking can't couldn't pay his rent or afford a burger that's such a funny way to put it

yeah and she goes okay so here's what it is I went to this coffee shop every day and I get a coffee every day on my way to work and it was $1.50

$1.50 drip coffee from a bodega not a coffee shop $1.50 $1.50 $1.50 and then one day there's a coffee shop. $1.50, $1.50, $1.50. And then one day, there's a different guy behind the counter and she's like, coffee. And he's like, alright, $3. And she goes, no, no, no, it's $1.50. And he goes, no, it's $3.

And she goes, no, it's always $1.50. And he turns around and looks at the board and says, it says right there, $3. And so she goes, I was getting this benefit because I was cute. I was cute. And I was getting this benefit and I didn't realize my privilege in that moment because i didn't i just assumed it was a dollar fifty i didn't think i was gaming the system and she goes and that's what these people understand and me and these other comics were like so you're a 23 year old writer on a show and you can't see any of that

you know yeah this is you deserve this one of the most brilliant comics in the world and he can't eat. And honestly, I bet she didn't leave that. She did not leave that interaction being like, maybe I don't deserve this. Maybe I also have all this. There's tons of different types of privilege. There's cute privilege.

There's hot privilege and no one gets that. They don't pay for drinks. They get invited to every party. You just go in. People have you in. I'm like, ugh. No, that's not how it works. There is definitely some negative.

I'll tell you one thing that in the hottest girls that I've dated. They can rebound so much faster than you can rebound. They can rebound very fast in the line of the dudes. Yeah. I would say that the hottest girls i've dated all had this maybe like two or three that i'm thinking i've had the same characteristic where they would go i'm bored they'd message you like send you a message and say i'm bored fill my boredom i'm yeah like but that's just make me laugh clown it's it is a little bit that but

telling someone you're bored is like such a wild thing that i would never think to like message someone be like i'm bored yeah like you cover it up if i'm bored i'm like hey let me uh text ryan and danny about something yeah they've never filled my board i don't just say do it they're used to being like okay yeah bring me something else world like you know yeah they're like an old school king it does sort of seem like that a little bit so i'd say a board for a girl that's like bored and that's like your problem that to me is like a nightmare probably god yeah maybe everything your problem never understood childish too to say that's very like a child would say i'm bored i heard a story about a celebrity

well fuck it. Ariana Grande. Yeah. Dating some guy. You don't want to get into bad books? Yeah. I kind of pictured, like, am I going to run into this person? And I'm not. He hates her, though, I thought.

Okay, great, then. Yeah. And killed her boyfriend and then now hates her. Wait, what? I think he texted him and was like, I'm with your fucking bitch. Oh, no. But she goes over and goes, Uppy, Uppy.

Like, you're a stunted child. And we're all looking to her like, what's your opinion on this? I'm like, that's a retard in the bad sense of the word. Yeah. Uppy. It's like, do you want me to pick you? was like a she was like a disney kid and then stop developing right there yeah yeah she did stop developing yeah just because she got tits

now doesn't mean she's an adult yeah sometimes like statutory age is like what 18 but sometimes for certain people should be like 35 yeah yeah it's like they're they're morons do you think the best way The best move Is like the Louis joke Where he says What you want to do Is get married

Then get divorced As a guy who did that Do you think that is the dream? I think that's the best way To raise kids The guy who You know Scott from Yuck Yucks Calgary

He was like The best way to raise a kid Is to be divorced You have time off He's like You have three days And four days Or five days And four days or five

days and two days whatever but the days you're off you're 100 off if you're co-parenting together you're both on all the time uh-huh she might take him to the pta but you still have to deal with it instead of like it's fucking wednesday and then i'm free it is a little bit where because i always say it's like you look at the divorce rates 50 is It's like, okay, I know it's one of those sides I'm coming down on. And then, yeah, it is a little better. But the only problem is you just can't get a new wife that has kids that you got. Your kids go and her kids go. You can't Brady Bunch it.

You can't Brady Bunch it. Unless they're hot and you're going to set up some porn shoots because that is the new norm. I'm loving these steps. Okay, but yeah, 100%. That was something my dad was like, how many steps you get in a day? I'm like, steps. Okay, but yeah. What, 100%? That was something my dad was like, how many steps you get in a day? I'm like, how do you know what I jerk off to? Five?

Private information. It was a high number for a noon on a Tuesday. Do you know when you're dating a girl and you kind of will say like, oh, I just got out of a relationship and you can push that for like a couple of years. You're like pretty fresh out of a like when was it like i did that for yeah i'm not looking for anything i'm still recovering yeah for four years i was telling

girls like for like literally like yeah i just got out of a relationship and then they'd be like what year and i'd be like what year is it today i would yeah i would like i'd be like 18 17 ish or some 20s yeah yeah it's the only way you can't just say i'm not looking for anything because I would, yeah, I would like, I'd be like 18, 17-ish or something, 20-ish. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the only way. You can't just say I'm not looking for anything because they're like, sweet, I'm going to change that. Exactly. But divorce is not forever.

But they understand like, oh, it's too fresh. Yeah. Kind of thing. Women do understand that, but then I milk that very fresh. You saying I don't want anything right now, the woman looks at that the way a man looks at a woman saying, I'll come to your hotel, but I don't want to do anything. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.

That's how they see it. Like, oh, of course you just haven't. That is honestly like dead on. Yeah. I'm not. Yeah,

I'm definitely, but I'm not looking for anything. I'm still scarred on the inside. I'm just, yeah, I'm tortured. I'm like the driver guy from girls. Have you ever faked it with a girl or you

tried to pretend that you were like this tortured guy to get out of the situation oh my god dude i used to i used to write suicide notes in high school and leave my notebook open on the like like to hopefully they'd find it and then no i was such a nerd no one even look at my notebook and i'm like damn it come on find out that i'm coming deep That is so funny though I remember I remember multiple times Being like Honestly I'm just in my own head

Right now I can't even get out Honestly I can't bring you Into my world You just want to be that guy I know I just wanted to not be with her Yeah yeah for sure

I wasn't even You do want to be that guy But this is Specifically not even that But there's definitely Parts in your time Where like Go through stuff yeah you go maybe i am a tortured artist look we all have our own women have their trick we have our tricks women have their tricks yeah but you're right being a convincing you're like the youngest stages of your life where you're

convincing yourself that you might be a tortured artist it's like the corniest shit it's so corny you want it so bad so you just fake it yeah i want your slaves looking at you what what you don't have to look him in the eye please don't look him in the eye dude you're just like maybe i could kill myself yeah you want to kill yourself but then come back you've definitely thought every everyone who's been in some type of art has thought like a suicide attempt would be pretty cool How can I get the benefits of suicide You know

I feel like comedy is the one thing that is not Not that cool for What suicide? Yeah it doesn't help your stand up I think there's some comics who think that Yeah that would be good to talk about Suicide attempt I was talking to my chick though

The idea that like every So there was this like tinder thing to talk about and then suicide attempt attempt and you're like I was talking to my chick though the idea that like every and so there was this like tinder thing where they basically did a thing of what

all girls want right and it was over and over again the study says what a girl wants yeah it's what a girl wants

and they all say funny right but like what they mean like what they really mean is like a little bit fun yeah

if you're all the other things i like dude one of the old love lines i remember it's like why are guys in bands more why do the girls like athletes and band guys more than comedians as a rule if they love so much what they mean is based on their standard it's like what men will open for in a girlfriend it's like what about this girl like no that's a two she's 430 pounds that's not in the radar this is what corolla said he goes no they say they want funny that means they want the funniest version of the super hot wealthy guy. Yeah, of course. He goes, yeah, I just want Kevin Sorbo with a sense of humor.

With a personality. Uh-huh. Well, also, there's even more part of that. Let me get the funniest starting center for an NBA team. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jack, basically. But also, it's the same as like you want like uh girls like like

a power and it was like yeah you're like the funny guy in a lot of ways that like commands social power so it's like you know they didn't like that he was funny you like that this guy was like his funniness allowed him to be popular and successful yeah exactly i like how trump left he played with his drones to murder people obama got all serious about it. But yeah, so they want some version of the funny guy that's all the other things. But it is like, it's so funny

because it's just like, that's how much girls, I guess, don't know what they want. The thing that you say you want, you go, there's no evidence of you acting that

in any sort of way. Yeah, I was dating a chick way out of my league. That was the best thing about LA. You get so many chicks out of your league.

That's all right, yeah. Yeah, and you see it all the time. Look at that nerd walking with that fucking model uh and some girl out of my league didn't but she was like oh I won't hook up with a guy on a first date and it was like you blew me in the car in the first date like you you did something I've never had happen before but what is this version of you that means one time you didn't fuck a guy on the first date and that's who you're saying you are but that's not real yeah yeah that's how you're saying you are. But that's not real. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's how you see yourself, huh?

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The Papa's Hour. Papa's Hour? Yeah. No, it was actually I do love that we're getting all these oh yeah cause Rihanna says long days

so we're gonna change ours to the poppice hour but actually we got we're doing a lot of questions about like kind of like lifestyle design shit a little bit

but it was funny one of the girls wrote out when we were talking about you but she was like hey what are the most supportive things I can do as a lady

to support men and boys in my life and blah blah blah because you know and I was just like we hey, what are the most supportive things I can do as a lady to support men and boys in my life? And blah, blah, blah. Because, you know, and I was just like, we got the audience trained pretty good. The girls are writing in being like, hey, how can I make my man's life better? This podcast is doing its job. Yeah. Legitimately, every woman in here, I've done a bit about it.

If you really want to keep a man, just suck his dick first thing in the morning. Don't want to keep a man! Before he's even opened his eyes, start fucking sucking his dick. Not every day. Once a quarter. And then we're never going to leave you. And then as soon as we're done, leave for work. Leave us there.

Let's yap it. Leave him there after. Let's yap. Literally 50%. Don't start now. What are we doing with the materials? Just get out. Don't collect your benefit immediately.

Yeah. Let it sink in. Yeah. You don't water a plant. It's not recovered. Let the fucking water go into the soil. Let the fucking... That is how you will keep your man.

We're simple. Very simple. Wait, so you get questions from people about the guests? Well, most... Oh, yeah, yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah, so a lot of... Yeah, we're doing this.

We're releasing this Tuesday. I appreciate it. Yeah, Friday or Saturday. Which one is it? Friday at the Beacon. Friday. I'm, oh yeah, yeah. That's a good idea. Yeah, so a lot of, yeah, we're doing this, like we're releasing this Tuesday, because our show's at Friday. I appreciate it. Yeah, Friday or Saturday, which one is it? Friday at the Beacon. Friday, I'm gonna come by the way. Shabbos to the, hell yeah, thank you. Yeah, yeah.

Put that on the list. And then, but yeah, like, so we'll put like in our Patreon, you know, like Ari's coming, like yesterday I posted Ari's coming in tomorrow and then people post questions. So the Patreon members can go there. Yeah, exactly. And the other fucking assholes.

Or the Discord people can say stuff, yeah. The plebs do not can go there. Yeah, exactly. And the other fucking assholes. Or the Discord people and stuff, yeah. The plebs do not get a question. Yeah, exactly. The plebs, yeah. Beat it. Mostly we do like articles and stuff like that,

but a lot of it's like dude questions sort of things, you know what I mean? You have to cull through a lot of like dumb questions all the time. Yeah, sometimes, but we don't mind.

There's some good ones though. Dude, I'm going to take off. I've already decided after my next special I'm going for like six, eight months. Six, eight months? Wow ones though dude I'm gonna take off I've already decided after my next special I'm going for like six eight months six eight months wow where

I'm gonna chase the sun down Latin America and back up nice what yeah is your girl gonna come in any of that

how does that work yeah we're both gonna fuck dude not the dog what oh really this is you wanna say

your dog how big is your dog 32 pounds oh you can't travel with it we'll give it to an in-law no we took it to Ecuador oh okay she loved loved it heart. How do you fly with? Sticking on your pants. Well, like I Mean my girl of a dog and he's like 13 pounds

Oh, he's the size that you can like go under the seat So it's easy to travel with but I'm like do you have to get a seat for the oh, no It's way easier now before you see you has to be a service dog now It has to be that you can do emotional support now and a service dog So it, it's way easier now. Before, it used to be you had to be a service dog. Now, you can do emotional support now and a service dog. So it's easier. All you have to do is, does it perform a service? You go, yes. And they go, what service?

You go, you know you're not allowed to ask that. Oh. And then that's the end of it. Because my girl forever had this scam where she was, because you didn't have to pay for the dog if it was service. No, they got rid of all the airlines because everybody took advantage of it. So now you have to pay regardless. They're like, unless you have like a blind.

Hey, I figured out a way to sniff out a Karen. Yeah. All you got to do is say like, yeah, I took my dog with me to this and you'll hear people like, oh, are they a service dog? You go, no, I just lied

and get them on the plane and they go, that's not the rules. That's not the rules. The rules are being broken. You know, how funny is that though if you weren't even lying like you actually do have,

yeah, yeah. You just get them out and then she goes and rats on you and they come back and you have been broken. You know, how funny is that, though, if you weren't even lying? Like, you actually do have, yeah, yeah. You just get them out. And then she goes and rats on you, and they come back, and you have your papers. That's so funny. I was on a message board in Ecuador going, hey, because the rules changed when I was there to go back. And so I was like, shit, how do you, I wanted this message. I was like, how do you do it before we lied? And somebody's like, that's some fucking bullshit.

I'm going to report you. I work at the Minneapolis airport. I'm like, well, I'm not flying and i didn't this isn't my real name on here so who are you gonna report me to what do you mean you're the fca is gonna come down on me and be waiting for me fucking karen's are the fun yes they can't help it that's just their weakness they need the rules followed yeah it's kind of autism thing. It's autism. Yeah. That is a,

also you traveling right now, that's what we were talking about on the spectrum. You know how like the Ari Schultz spectrum, legitimately you being like, I just like right now, probably the biggest I've ever been. Let me disappear for six months. That's like peak other side of the spectrum. But I mean, there's no way that I couldn't do that. 70? Yeah, exactly. When are you going to fucking do it? being let me disappear for six months that's like peak other side of the spectrum but i mean

there's no way that i was like i couldn't do that 70 yeah exactly when are you gonna fucking do it i feel like that's and that's the part of me that kind of thinks about i i like i'm 37 right now and i feel perfect time to go live your life a lot of me does feel like everything is always like i guess i am like that a cliche of the guy that's like it's all for like at some other point I'll like relax or something but or all but then the other part of it like I'm like well I don't care about any of that stuff maybe I just like playing this game and that's what the that is what I'm doing

I mean you're having fun with your podcast too so it's just straight work for you yeah and I also like this game so I sometimes maybe I'm I'm the tortured artist about which one I am you know what I mean right yeah it's got to be true to yourself if it's travels not your thing if you artist about which one I am you know what I mean oh right yeah it's gotta be

true to yourself if travel's not your thing if you hate other places then yeah don't do that yeah you know like me and our girls we've been like

yeah let's go to like a trip for Paris and Ryan's like why would I want to go to Paris that sounds like the worst place ever and you're like then it's not your thing

like why would I want to do that you're like it's one of the coolest cities on earth yeah it's like it's honestly incredible well these guys

want to do stuff and maybe I'm pitching it to the wrong guy. Mine's like, I can't get hot dogs there. These guys want to go and look at paintings for fucking eight hours. Go make fun of them. Yeah. Go make fun of these dumb paintings. It was actually fun.

Dude, I'm telling you. One of the funniest things I ever saw was that. It was a literal pile of dirt, and that was the thing. Actually, it was in New York. I went to the thing, and it was an actual, no joke, just a pile of dirt,

and that was the exhibit. There was like a broom, and you're like leaning up against a wall. You're like, did the janitor leave that? And you go, no, that's installation. I saw the toilet on its side. It was like a high-level piece of art. I think in the one in London.

I forget what it's called. The Tate? The Tate, yeah. There was this piece where it was just a lone glove on the floor. And everyone was like, whoa, what the fuck is this? And it was someone who just dropped their glove. You never know. And all these fucking cunts.

All these fucking phony cunts were like, this means this. No, there's a story about it. It's like a popular story that they're all crowded around it and was like trying to make meaning out of it yeah just like Jesus oh Jesus dropped his

yeah he tell him pick it up why did somebody pick up his fucking shoe I didn't notice yeah that's I was trying to tell Ryan forever

like part of the fun of galleries is sometimes you see this amazing thing but sometimes it's just taking the piss out of the whole thing I don't want to go nine days in a row galleries what do you like camping do you like anything i think honestly i'm not sure if i i think i might just like i like like um moving forward like i think that it's the

satisfaction comes from like moving forward whether that be in like a career life and then you know even in like jokes the same way that satisfaction but everything in my thing is that building yeah i think i like building like i think i have like entrepreneurial thing and then i think And then, you know, even in like jokes, the same way that satisfaction. But everything in my thing is that building. Yeah, I think I like building. I think I have like an entrepreneurial thing. And then I think I like talking shit with like a bunch of dudes. That's so fun. You know, and it can be girls. People's girlfriends can be there.

Like I do like partying, I think is the right word. House parties. Yeah, I do like, like when me, if me and Danny and like our chicks and like a bunch of people, like I do actually, and we're like at dinner and I do really like that. Yeah, I do like, like when me, if me and Danny and like our chicks and like a bunch of people, like I do actually, and we're like at dinner and I do really like that. Yeah. Not for the food,

for the company. Yeah, until like the waiter comes, what would you like to order? And Ryan's like, what fucking is any of this stuff? Yeah. There's no hot dogs.

Right. So that's what I think I like. That is cool. Yeah, I figured it out. I like. Pontoon boat. I think I'm pontoon boat.

You're a tuna? Dude, you're a tuna guy? I think I might be a pontoon boat guy. Fucking tuners are the best, bro. Just grab a slab of beers. Yeah.

You know, you know what? I'd love to be. I honestly think that's the best. It's the best. Go jump off the boat. Your favorite thing is for a vacation is to go like all inclusive for a week and just get like,

just a squad. Just have a squad. Don't get me wrong. Very fun thing. You don't like that. All inclusives. No, you're a resort person.

I'm a resort? I think I might be a cruise guy, to be completely honest. I think I'm finally realizing I'm the scum of vacation scum. The key is knowing who you are. And don't try to be someone else. I can't stand going to a nightclub in Vegas. And I would go trying to fake it. Maybe I'm a Vegas guy.

Know who you are and lean into that yeah great that's I think so much of like everything is that because even if you think of like what makes you a good comedian what makes you a good like

entrepreneur what makes you a good finance person in a lot of ways is like knowing your risk tolerance right yeah like it's like right

of course yeah it's like so it's all so many things is really it's more about pinpointing your preferences I guess right yeah I mean whatever you like what you really, it's more about pinpointing your preferences, I guess, right? Yeah.

I mean, whatever. You like what you like. Whoa. Yeah, I guess. Everybody's different. I do like talking shit. That's like reductionist. I feel like that was reductionist, though, because I feel like it's more profound than that.

Like, I don't think what I'm saying is- Ryan's trying to be like, yeah, my love of beans and hot dogs is much more profound than the box you paid me. No, no, no. I'm saying that everyone's, you think of so much about like, what would I, what would be good? What would be a good life? But really it's more about looking internally to find out what's your match with the outside world.

And you're like, yeah, some people like something, some people like other things. But I'm, I think that is a more like, uh, even with finance, when you go, it's really not about making the right decisions. It's about finding out what your risk tolerance is and Of course, yeah. And whether that be investing. Gambling, whatever. With girls, finding out what you can handle for craziness. All of it. Surfing.

It's surfing that crazy relationship shit. Whenever you've got a guy who built up a multi-million dollar company and then sold it, their next move is almost always starting up another company. Yeah, always. Because they like building something up from scratch. For sure. They're like two weeks on the beach and then they go, all right, I'm going to be crazy.

Yeah, see if I can make a better way to order shoes online. And it was almost not fun for them after the company was existing. Now you're just kind of running it. Now you're just tinkering with the day-to-day things. They're like, no, I want to build something from scratch. Yeah. How about a company that gets people

in third-world countries who can't afford shoes, like matching them up with Holocaust shoes? You know? So it doesn't go to waste are there holocaust shoes still around oh there's mounds of them what city has holocaust shoes

the memorial in DC has a whole fucking I mean a room this big just filled with shoes yeah yeah yeah it's tough because every time you look at one

like someone wore those and they're not here yeah and what are they bronzed or whatever no no no they're just they're just the shoes I what are they bronzed or whatever no no no they're just i mean have you seen in um did you go to uh where was it in cambodia with the skulls like the yeah

the killing fields the killing fields what's that it's like a giant it's they had like a crazy war in cambodia and then there was one of the one of the most underrated tyrants of all no i know dude the year zero guy he's- He killed about a million people in not much time. No. Two years or something. They wanted to save bullets. There was a farmer's revolution,

rebellion. It wasn't that. So they saved bullets because they didn't have access. They were like, kill a baby of a dissident because they're going to grow up and be an enemy.

But save a bullet, so take them by the legs and just smash their skulls against trees. If it's your first day on that job. That's the worst first day. They killed everybody who had glasses. Wow.

Because they were trying to get rid of the bourgeoisie or whatever. So they're like, any smart person, we need to get rid of them. So if you have glasses, that means you're smart. That means you're smart. One of my favorite quotes by him, I would do quotes at the end of like when I taught yoga online. And instead of like these uplifting quotes, I would just do my tyrants, whatever. And so like, guys, that's the end of our yoga today.

Let's, from the words of General Pol Pot, better to kill a friend by mistake than to spare an enemy by mistake. And now, 60 seconds of breathing. I love that. The crazy thing with the Pol Pot stuff is some of those people are still alive he lived for 30 more years in cambodia dude when i was there they let him they're like no he lives in the north

when i was there in 2007 yeah there was like they were like yeah they're all the the higher ups of this whole thing were like on trial and like some of them like i want to feel like some of them are still alive and like one of the trials of one of the head guys who killed literally a million people and he was just like still on trial and it's just yeah pol pot lives that he stayed in cambodia not even on like just somewhere else in another region of that country yeah imagine if like hitler was just like germany's like that's he's in hamburg i mean imagine a fauci gets to live his life just after everything. Actually, you posted a funny thing. The bunker kids.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The family who was like trying to. There's like families that was right now still like all in on COVID. Yeah, and they were just like, they haven't left the house and the kids have to like write on this thing. Yeah, Judah Freelander. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's that. It's that. And it's been three and a half years. And you're just like, it's been three and a half years.

And then you're just like, man, those kids are gonna be fucking nuts. They are already nuts. You don't Anne Frank your life and then suddenly come out okay. Cause that's the thing when people, you know, like you traumatize them. That's like, you know, the drag queen story hour.

Everybody's like, you can't bring your kids or whatever. And like, it is kind of weird to some degree, but then also like tons of people fucked their kids up in all sorts of manners like these people oh right exactly you know you're like look at these people who are who are like these super safe covid people you think that your kids are gonna be normal i want to do a montage pictures of somebody wearing a mask driving alone while they're texting you know it was like safety if only one person and then just like driving like this. Just proper psychopaths. Psychos. Yeah, it's...

Juniperino is like Zoom comedy, right? I think he hasn't left that place. He was already a germaphobe. Yo, that's nuts. Yeah, I heard people are like he's still doing...

Well, I guess if he was a germaphobe before then this... Yeah, this was like his happy place. Yeah. I don't know. But I heard they were like

he does like Zoom shows. To pay bills. Yeah. I mean, he can't have bills. He doesn't know anything about bills? 30 Rock. Yeah, but he's still HOA. Yeah, I guess.

What does that mean? Homeowners Association fees. Yeah. So if you own a condo and a bill, you still owe them. Yeah, you're saying, but not that I don't have bills. I guess, I mean,

he must do pretty well with the syndication for 30 Rock, no? Yeah, it was weird. He was a regular on that show, and then pretty much he did like four episodes, and then just kind of like was in the background for the next five years. And then he counts him as a now. Yeah, it was weird. He was a regular on that show and then pretty much he did like four episodes and then just kind of like was in the background for the next five years

and then he counts him as a regular. Yeah, he was like a regular on 30 Rock. That must be a big show. Huge. Massive. I have no idea

what that is. You don't know about 30 Rock? I have no idea how much money he got for syndication. I have like some idea of like what 30, like I know that there's

some pretty famous people that like are way more bigger than him That like their syndication was closer to like 500 grand a year so it's like It's not that out of the question that his syndication Money is like 25 grand Like that's not like I have no idea But like I'm just saying it's not like totally out of the

Okay so the one thing One last thing Well not whatever but So I'm sure you've went on like a bunch of podcasts and talked about like the jew stuff a ton especially because doing the special which honestly was so funny thank you buddy um yeah you know everyone loved that special it was so sick i uh it's gonna be hard to follow up yeah legitimately i was talking to sal or something well and they were like it's gonna be tough like he you put out a really great one and

i don't know how to do it and i'm like i kind of i want to be like oh. And they were like, it's going to be tough. You put out a really great one, and I don't know how to do it. And I'm like, I don't want to be like, oh, no. But I'm like, no, I know. I worked really hard on it. It was a five-year process. And it was supposed to come out, and then it probably got better. It got better, for sure. Which is probably there's something to be said about that.

Yeah, thank you, Vanessa Bryant, for making my special better. What is that? It's a notebook and pen. No, that was. Is it a pack of cards? Oh, no, it's a weed. Oh, those it's a pack of cards oh no it's a weed oh i'm just like yo you were the packaging you get into magic oh that's what you can get pre-rolls king roll dude this episode is sponsored by king it is not sponsored by king roll jelenaid uh long days podcast i'm sorry do not remove us from youtube long boys podcast episode it's not

no you cbd stuff you can't on youtube youtube's very uh oh this is meth this is the opposite um wait oh yeah i'm like i don't know how i'm gonna follow that up yeah i don't know how i'm gonna do it that intentional well maybe this can be the start because what i wanted to say was you brought up all of the and we've talked about a bunch of like all the funny like loopholes with jew stuff what are the what are the wildest things other religions do? Yeah. What are the craziest? Like, like, I actually found a few like, but what is like, because what is the craziest

like loopholes and like traditions that like other people do? Because you're sort of an expert on all the religions in some way. Yeah. So a lot of it's based on sex in every religion. You're like, Matt's got a bit about it. God's sex in every religion you're like metzger you have a bit about it god's just very concerned with your holes yeah soaking in the mormon religion yeah where you you can't pump but you can just get in there and leave it in there that's what i do when i'm trying not to bust yeah yeah but then you've soaked in moments but then the third person who jumped

everywhere the jump on the bed that's not me because you Yeah. But then you've soaked in moments. But then the third person who jumped, have you heard where the jump on the bed? That's not me. So if you're just like sitting there and then you're inside the girl, but you're not moving, so you're not violent. And then there's a third party who's jumping on the bed.

So that's like, hey, stop, dude, stop. That's not true. Yeah. I don't know for sure about that third person thing, but the soaking is a thing. Soaking is so funny. That's great. Because it's not prem. Yeah. I don't know for sure about that third person thing, but the soaking is a thing. Yeah. Soaking is so funny. That's great.

Because it's not premarital sex. The Catholics who go anal. Anal. Yeah. Primarial anal somehow. That's nicer. When I heard that, I was like, that's the next level. Yeah.

You went straight to Mach 10? Yeah. That's crazy. They were forced to. They had no choice. Yeah. There's no choice. Their hand was forced.

Yeah. Use your hand. How about a handy? How about a handier blowy? that's crazy they're forced to they had no choice yeah there's no choice was forced yeah hey use your hand how about a handy how about a handier blowy i mean all the stuff in like afghanistan where you've heard where they're like you know they'll get kids to dress like male boys to dress up as like girls yeah as like these concubines and they're like yeah nothing gay about that yeah you're right though when did that was one thing i think kurt mentioned this too because he you know I guess you and him must like

you both know a ton about religion very similar yeah kind of yeah yeah they're all kind of the same

but yeah he was even saying he was like they always talk about like the Catholic priests like being pedophiles he was like all the other ones

were just as much pedophiles he was like he did a big joke about Greek people and he goes because their Greek the chick he was dating her Greek father didn't like him.

He's like, you don't like me? You're from, wait. He's like, he's a diner monkey from Assfuck Island. What a great way to call that. Diner monkey? From Assfuck Island. Oh, that's good. Yeah.

But Catholics get so, it's like almost hot. Yeah, they're not better like i almost had but you're like yeah you're like by the way yeah the muslims like doing just as much and he goes but in the jehovah's witnesses they just keep the only thing is it more just like the catholics couldn't keep it in house like the other religions were just better at making a family business yeah yeah yeah um here's one shakers which is a christian shakers were no there were like an early 1900s or late 1800s religious Christian group in America, and they were known for making amazing furniture. Like Mennonites kind of? Yeah, and it was like high-level shit.

If you could find old Shaker-like furniture, that still holds up. It's like classic. But they didn't have marital sex. They didn't breed. So what they did was- Why? That's a that's a life they didn't want to do it they could only they uh they died out a bunch of al bundy's making yeah they died out because they had to recruit to get their numbers so if you got yeah yeah so but why don't they just do it where they like okay we have we put the cum inside you but it's i'm not delivering it they pull pull out. They still fucked.

What? Oh, yeah. They still fucked. So they didn't want to procreate. Right. And they're called shakers? Shakers. Is that the official name of the religion?

Yeah, I think they were the shakers. How many were there? Hundreds at a time. And now, right, they had to say it's going to die out. But they'd have to train their kids and not blast loads inside their women. Because how are you going to do that? Day one, of course, you're like, oh, I'm not going to pull out so where do they get kids from

when they recruited them oh good question how do you recruit that's a good question but what they would do is they would let them practice on postmenopausal women. Just in case you mess up? Before they got married. I mean, that is a good way to make you never want to have sex is you go, hey, granny, come over here. Are you going to take a spin with your grandmother? That's so crazy.

Yeah, but back in those days, grandmothers were 28. I want to quickly look this up. Look at shakers? Yeah, see if my memory holds. I love when I arm Rogan he's like is that true Jamie look that up I'm like don't look it up dude

it might or might not be true I'm not a fucking source yeah we're just talking about my memory the reason why I didn't look at it is because I felt like I wasn't saying

that your information's wrong I was like I bet you there is like a real name and they do have a name what is it Christ they believe in Christ's second appearing

known as the shakers their Protestant sect? Okay, so yeah, it's not this like some yeah, I was just trying to figure out like this is a real thing Wow Yeah, they're there they were Quakers so that I started in 1747 the French they were Quakers thing. Yeah, fuck and there was so there's only hundreds of them at a time You're saying I think so maybe thousands. I don't know maybe they were but back then everyone's like i'm looking for another way to do christ yeah you know i want to be out there but they're the comedian version of the guy every guy that comes out of college that's like what if i you know what i mean redefine comedy like how about just do one good thing first yeah and then mix it up that was always the most

confusing what if i'm gonna do my next special in front of only monkeys. Just do a special once first and then do the monkey thing. I was always confused why there was like a hundred different Christians. That always confused me. So many different kinds.

And all my friends were like, yeah, we're like a different one. And then I'd be like, you know what it is? And they're like, no, I don't know. They never know what the differentiation is. They just know theirs is change. And then I'd be like, you know what it is? And they're like, no, I don't know. They never know what the differentiation is. They just know theirs is right. They just go, I go to this thing.

Jimmy Dore, back before he was like, political, political, he had a great joke about it where he was like, you ask anybody, what's your religion?

They're like, Catholic. They're like, why are you Catholic? Well, my parents were Catholic. He goes, man,

I wouldn't let my parents pick out a pair of pants for me. Are you letting them pick out your God? Yeah, it is really true but then also there's the other side of it when someone's when you meet someone that's religious or their parents aren't religious they're all a little bit what's going on yeah you got into it for no reason i mean it's

pure but damn yeah it's very pure you go into that guy's like that's the that's the real deal right now your parents are religious no not at all at all. And you go, when did you start? Like 35? You go, you kill something? Like what? Yeah, what happened? What were you searching for? Something happened. Like white guys with like the Muslim knit cap, you know?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, just, I honestly, it was just shopping around. This one just sort of spoke to me. Nothing out of the ordinary. Did you know any Muslims? No. I just sort of poked around and just. Just lost.

And I went to all the churches. This one, I thought this was the funnest one. Just wearing around. Funnest, you said. There's a Bible passage, Old Testament, original Testament, Bible passage about Jethro. It was my bar mitzvah passage. Yitro.

And he was one of the people that left Egypt with the Jews, but not a Jew. Because they were like, we're all leaving. And the other slaves were like, well, can we? I also don't want to be a slave. Can I just tag off? And Scott was like, huh, that's a good question. You know what?

Yeah, all right. You guys can come too. Well, if he was smart, he'd just say, OK, I'm Jewish too, though. Right, right. So anyway. But they weren't accepting at that time. That time they would be.

When David was in charge, they were so powerful, they were like, we're not taking converts right now. Because you're doing it for the wrong reasons. It's like being friends with any of the LA comics. Of course. It's like, no, no. Like, Rogan's got to cut off his friend group because you're not liking me because of me.

You're liking me because of my plot. Tell you what, as soon as I end my podcast, I'm open for friends again. Shit. But anyway, Jethro was like, sweet, I'm out. I'm free. He goes, I don't know if I want to be Jewish. Let me go examine all the religions of the world.

Which, where did he get in the fucking, where he was? He did a couple. Travel a month by horse? Where are you going? You definitely don't know Buddhism. He only did a couple. He didn't check out Scientology. And then he came back and he was like, oh, Judaism's the real one.

So the guy that was like, oh, I need to go see if I want to bang some other girls before my wife. He banged a couple. Right, right, right. Wasn't the bender you thought it would be. That's the words. You go on a bender and it's not even available. You're like, I'm here to fuck bitches. And everyone in the bar is like, no thanks.

What do you mean no thanks? I'm here for my bender. Yeah, just coming home, baby. Honestly, I realize that you're the only one for me. What did you guys do in the bathroom? You drink Coke? I get Coke. I'm on a bender.

Give me some. No, dude. It's my Coke, stranger. Benders suck. Benders suck. Benders suck. Benders are boring. Yeah, that's a pretty good one. Shakers is really good.

Let's see what other craziness. There was a couple of crazy ones like India that I looked up talking about this. And they go, they throw babies from a tower for good luck. Whoa. What do you mean? And they catch it in a sheet. But it's like they still do it

where they go on the top of the thing and they throw a newborn baby out and a bunch of guys catch it in a sheet. And it's like, there had to be lots of times where they missed it or whatever. Or just bound, like they're holding it too tight.

Exactly, yeah. I think they hold it over, yeah, 100, or the opposite where it's like, it's still too close to the ground where the baby goes in the sheet and you're like,

and you just go plunk and you're like. Like the early bungee cords were like, okay, hang it so it's a foot off the ground so we're good. They're like, no, no, it's going to stretch. the ground, where the baby goes to the sheet, and you're hanging, and you just go, and you're like. Like the early bungee cords, we're like, okay, hang it so it's a foot off the ground, so we're good. They're like,

no, no, it's going to stretch. Yeah, yeah. Oh, shit. There must have been some of that shit.

Yep, yep, yep, for sure. This is actually, so when I was doing this hour, especially at Edinburgh, where you have to be outside,

collecting money afterwards, so you'd meet fans afterwards, but anywhere. Do you have to collect money yourself? Oh, yeah. When was the last time you did that? I was going to do it this year, but I'm not going to.

It's kind of embarrassing, no? No, I thought it was, but then I saw their version of high-level TV guys doing it also. It's either- Do you have a high-level TV guy coming around begging for change? It's either you charge $12 for tickets or you say it's free. What? Give me what it's worth outside afterwards. But you stand there personally with a hat.

With a bucket, yeah. give me what it's worth outside afterwards but you stand there personally with like a hat with a bucket yeah I remember specifically one time I'm like

scarred from that I was like I brought this like hot chick that I was like started talking to in Toronto to a comedy show

and it was like and I was like headlining it did pretty good and then after I finished the host went up and he comes up and he's like

okay we're gonna pass this bucket around like these comics really need this money you know what I mean like honestly and I'm trying to tell this chick I'm famous you know this guy was like you know it's just like honestly this is

how they make their money and it's like whatever you can give they'll appreciate it and i was like i want to stand up and be like honestly don't i'm actually good everyone bet me everyone bet me i'm good i remember just being like with the girl just being like oh i hate this yeah but it's a standard edinburgh you're saying there's like movie stars, or maybe not movie stars, but famous people. No, legitimately. They come out with a hat? People doing like 500 seaters,

and they come out with like- Stop it. Yeah. You stand in the back, people pass you. The young kids give you a pound. The rich people give you 20. And it's super normal. It's normalized.

At the end, you're like, so you know how this works? You got in for free to see a movie star. You got into Kevin Hart for hart for free can't the movie star have like his like someone else so some people do that some people do that stand next to you or whatever you want to look him in the eye if they don't pay oh yeah i want to guilt him into it and also because it's me i would get not just money i would get drugs i would get girls numbers sure yeah it was just the easiest way to connect in some way. Yeah.

But then as I'm out there, I was doing Jew there, people would be like, hey, I have something similar in my religion. So a lot of people would tell you cool things. Yeah, so I think in some sort of Hindu, it's like the, I think it's Hindu, I might be wrong. If you're under period, they have a little hut outside for you to fucking wait it out in. Yeah, a lot of religious half-period stuff,

like the mikveh or whatever like the version yeah can't be in with us you're disgusting right now hopefully you recover that is such a funny one yeah beat it you bloody whore your wife comes in she's on her period and being grumpy so you put her in the tent for three days she's gotta hide it like she got bit by a zombie it's like no no i'm fine what a different like yeah when you think about like how like bitched around guys are now and be like you like right now if you like the girls are like i should be able to get three days off work and do whatever i want period you're like before you're like if a girl was like naggy to me because she was on her period we used to put you in a hut for three days yeah you your hair would be longer so i could drag you by it

fucking what the just appreciate what you got now yeah it should be equal like well then why am I so much stronger than you and I haven't even worked out in years I actually said that

because I've been talking about how the internet still says one thing but then the real life will tell you the other thing like just how internet's like women should be allowed

to walk through a dark alley at night and real life's like yeah but don't obviously like you know what I mean I should be able to hold my wallet in my hand but like don't do that

in Avenue D. In the internet, it's like how girls are just as strong as men, but then why is it so easy to put you in my trunks? Joe List had a joke about it where women are like, women rule the world. We're talking about women's march.

Women rule the world. Yeah, I love that joke. And he's like, oh, so we're good then. I love that joke. That was one of my favorite ones in that special. Women, we rule the world. He's like, then what are we here for? I thought the whole thing was that you didn't.

Shouldn't this be a men's rally? I thought the whole reason you were here is that you didn't. Oh, yeah. Shit. Okay. Fuck yeah, dude. Well, anyone who's in New York, and New York, I think, is our third biggest city, so everyone definitely-

What do you got, T.O.? Toronto's our biggest one. Do you know what's crazy? We're like, we have real, our analytics is, I was actually just looking up them recently. So it's on YouTube, it's all about 85 to 90% male. Instagram is more like 70. YouTube is more male.

YouTube's male. No matter what. Our biggest city is Toronto. Okay. Second is like New York and then some random ones. Yeah, maybe it was third,

but like, I just know top five.. I thought you said third. Yeah, maybe it was third, but like, I just know top five. It was, we're London and Australia, Sydney. We're like really big for us. Do you know which London? Yeah.

Not in Ontario. They won't tell you on YouTube if it's London or Ontario. No, I think our Canadian sensibility just sort of like resonates with people. Australia's big. Australia used to love it. I mean, it's a classic thing too

where we left Canada and they're like, are you doing well? So then they'd like us more. Well, there's half of that and I don't know mean it's a classic thing too where we left Canada and they're like are doing well so then they'd like us more well there's half of that and I don't know if it's that or just much as like

our type of humor resonates with Canadians it's Canadians and Australians they won't accept you this is always a standard until you make it in America and then they love you

GSP was like fuck you you fucking work and then he's like oh you're winning okay he's our native son yeah I know whereas Ireland

will support you just for trying you know Australiaralia is the same way jim jeffrey's like whatever and then you go over to london and hit big or america and like oh he's one of our greatest it is a little bit like that and everybody complains about it when you're in canada and then they're and a lot of the worst we have like we talk about like there's all these industry people and they're like yeah it's like why do they have to do it and you're like well it's because of you like it's literally because of you and then you'll be publicly saying like why does this need to be yeah you know sometimes they ask quite like is this a serious question you yeah yeah oh you don't know like the reason why yeah i think aaron i think it's aaron jackson she's a great bit about not wanting a white therapist yeah she's like uh the therapist like what's troubling you and she's like sure the white man yeah but it's almost better in some ways

because like it's if they were if i'd wrap you know what like i was doing tv shows and stuff like that and i was you know kind of had a like a career as far as what Canada is. If it was 100% better, I might still be there. So I, at least they suck so I left. Yeah, 100% and my life is a thousand times better. Like if it was 70% better where it was like, you know, oh, they were actually supporting me more and I was getting more, like I might still be there. Yeah, well, the Breslin model was like,

if you just gave me a like a slightly unfair amount you would have kept all these guys they would have just gone like yeah you know what things are good enough but you're such a for mcs and features and then like these road like not hacks but like road loopers who are just like that it's like oh you've made me go and try to make something of myself yeah it's almost like a weird tough love thing but it's just like they don't that's not what they're going for. Yeah, if you're a comedian in Kansas City, you're like,

I can only get up two days a week. Thank God I can't get up seven days or I might never leave. Exactly. Especially when like- Yeah, it's not what they're going for, but it does end up helping. Yeah.

Especially when on top of that, then the kind of like the white men stuff are bad. It was just like, okay, well then now it's like, I'm out of luck. Okay. You add any more straws to that. But I even had recently when like some people who are in the Canadian industry, like production companies, it was just like okay well then now it's like i'm okay you add any more straws to that but i even

had recently when like some people who are in the canadian industry like production companies that are like you know always hitting me up being like hey we really want to pitch something here blah blah and i was like well i don't know go into those networks uh find someone that's a fan of me and then tell them to give me a show like yeah you know where to find me it's like no i don't why would i be pitching stuff and be this and this and this it's like pretty simple it's like if you're a basketball team and you're looking for the guy, you go, Hey,

there's this one guy from Canada. It's like a filmmaker. That's the best thing. It's like, why don't we just go sign them and then figure out later. It'd be like, no, I'm not sending you anything.

It's like, it's if you, if I was at any of these networks right now, I would be like my, I have the easiest job in history. You go, there's 30 of the top comedians in the world right now that don't have TV shows.

Let's go see what they want to do. Yeah. And now, but their whole thing is like, they're but no but this is this is the system like this is how you do it oh yeah it was always amazing do whatever you want you know just for last they all mob the new faces they're always struggling around like like not letting him move without going hey let me tell them we want to do this with you and then bill burr is just walking along going like i don't have a show i'm the best comic in the world you know and like no one's what

do you i mean okay oh nate bargazzi's on his 20th pilot yeah i like i just walk around freely I'm the best comic in the world. You know, and like no one's, what are you, I mean, okay. Nate Bargatze's on his 20th pilot now. Yeah, I just walk around freely, can't even get into expectations for breakfast. Exactly. So that's why I'm just like, why would I ever do any of that? It's like, yeah, they know where to find me

if you have a brain. It's like. I saw Nate do that once. We were in a green room in Nashville and some comedy club booker was like, Nate, we gotta get you in my club, man. We gotta get you in my club. He. We gotta just get you in my club. He's like, I don't know, I'd love to.

And then he leaves and Nate was like, you know what to do? You call my agent and make an offer. What are you talking about? You know how this shit works. What? Just make an offer. That's such a funny thing

because you're so right. It's a girl being like, being like, hey, why have we never had sex? And you're like, pretty much, you know exactly. Right now, how's now? You've never shown me your pussy. Yeah, how's now? Yeah, okay me your pussy yeah how's now yeah okay

let's correct that yeah yeah why don't you be at my club you guys very simple you do this every day just send an offer

you have not invited me ah fuck alright this is fun alright Shapiro have a good one yeah definitely that show's gonna be

very cool this Friday this Friday February no March 24th I'm blowing all stops I got some surprise guests I gotta fucking have a good one yeah definitely that show is gonna be very this friday this friday february no march 24th i'm blowing all stops i got a surprise guest i gotta fucking be in your seat to eight o'clock i got a good opening and don't fucking be in the line get fucking take in airplane bottles of booze yeah that's gonna be sick wait in line what's the capacity there 26 70 something like that

sick by far the biggest i did that once as like a part of some it was like half full as a part of some like festival thing yeah and it was when uh the project veritas guys the project they didn't break in they were there they were there but then there was like it was supposed to be like it was i was just doing stand-up yeah but then there was like some people that were like left-wing commentators and right-wing commentators it was kind of like a bridge to divide no well it was to be honest it was supposed to be like a bridge the divide type thing but then james o'keefe and like project veritas broke in with cameras and like we're like you wrote this thing they like they like we're trying to order this guy in the stairwell yeah they cornered him in the stairwell and did like a gotcha and then put it and it was kind of like me and danny were

just like and you guys are wondering why left wing people don't want to do your thing yeah exactly like can you just can you just talk one it's thing as podcasts. Like, can we just hang out once? Yeah. And it's not all work. You can't all do exposés in every moment. Yeah, so I think, yeah, so that was- We found this guy at Starbucks. I legitimately, when that was happening,

me and Danny were there, and I was just, all that I was thinking was, I was like, this, I only like comedians. I was like, this is why I don't like doing this, anything in this sort of realm. It was just like- Yeah. Yeah. It really was just like, the only people that can be trusted is comedians i was like this is why i don't like doing this anything in this sort of realm it was just like yeah yeah i mean it really was just like the only people that can be trusted

as comedians yeah it's like it's like when ellen was in that uh that skybox with george bush and he made some joke they caught her like laughing that's a war criminal he has death on his hands how could you laugh at that and it's like i don't know man she's just trying to have a good time he made a joke it was probably funny he was also like pretty famous it's cool trying to have a good time. He made a joke. It was probably funny. He was also pretty famous. It's cool to be around a famous guy. He was the president. Two-time president.

Also, all of them are war criminals. So it's like, I don't know. I think that's... We've been so angry all the time. To kind of close out with exactly what I was saying at the beginning and not to say that... I'm sure a lot of people see me in this category too, but it's like I'm so attracted to the people that are wild, where it's like,

if you were like, hey, you wanna hang out with OJ Simpson, I would be sick. I would, yeah, to me that's awesome. If he was on our podcast or whatever, I wouldn't be like, how could I ever sit in a room with, I just don't see it that way. Yeah, every time somebody says, why does that person have Alex Jones in their podcast?

And I'm like, wait, do you not know why? Do you not understand any of the reasons? I't answer it why would they give me some reasons why they might yeah like so you do wild and fun like so you do know so you do know right exactly yeah you just wouldn't is what you're saying the best is to force people why do these guys take a million a million dollars to go perform for these sheiks who have uh you know who have like human rights abuses in their country i'm like the million stop right there the answer is in your own. I'm like, the millions. Stop right there. The millions. The answer's in your own question.

Yeah, it's like, why did they take a million dollars to go do a gig, a single hour gig? They're not doing a workaboard to get their passage over there to do it for free. You answered your own question.

Shit. Okay. Patreon.com slash The Boyscast. This weekend, you can also catch me in boston oh really nice uh the what's the comedy in boston laugh boston laugh boston yeah i hope that's i fucking hope for the love of god love of god be left oh boy i hope it is i'm pretty sure it's laugh boston it's a good club oh i don't have the and the owners are

really cool too well you can find that information at ryanlongcomedy.com. There you go. All right. Patreon.com slash theboyscast. Peace. Later. You're a podcast listener, and this is a podcast ad heard only in Canada. Reach great Canadian listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Libsyn Ads.

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