The Breakfast Club - DONKEY: Florida Man Arrested After Vandalizing Church And Baptizing Himself

Episode Date: August 9, 2023

Florida Man Arrested After Vandalizing Church And Baptizing HimselfSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Had enough of this country? Ever dreamt about starting your own? I planted the flag. This is mine. I own this. It's surprisingly easy. 55 gallons of water, 500 pounds of concrete. Or maybe not. No country willingly gives up their territory. Oh my God.

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Make sure you tell them to watch out for Florida, man. Florida, man. The craziest people in America come from the Bronx and all of Florida. Yes, you are a donkey. A Florida man attacked an ATM for a very strange reason. It gave him too much money. Florida man is arrested after deputies say he rigged the door to his home in an attempt to electrocute his pregnant wife. Police arrested an Orlando man for attacking a flamingo. The Breakfast Club, bitchy. Donkey of the Day

with Charlemagne the guy. I don't know why y'all keep letting him get y'all like this. Before we do Donkey of the Day, I want to tell y'all too that, first of all, it's dropping the clues. LL Cool J and The Roots, right? Absolutely. That interview will be up on YouTube and it's, how long is it? Hour and 30. Hour and 30 minutes. So, yeah.

Great conversation. Yes. Donkey of the Day from Wednesday, August 9th goes to Derek Porter. Now, Derek is a Georgia man, but this incident happened in Panama City Beach, Florida. So, it's clearly something in the water in Florida. You spend too much time there, you get hit with that Florida fool gene. Now, what does your Uncle Charla always say about the great state of Florida? The craziest people in America come from the Bronx and all of Florida. And today is no exception, okay? Derek Porter, you are a Florida man today.

Now, let me start with the headline, courtesy of News Channel 8 Florida, because I love the headlines when they come from Florida, okay? When it's Florida foolishness, all the headlines be amazing, okay? First off, the headline reads, Florida.

Then it says, man breaks into Florida church, baptizes himself before stealing money. Let's go to News Channel 8 for the report please. Midmorning man on end of today with a Georgia man in custody. Bay County Sheriff's deputies arrested Derek Porter on burglary criminal mischief

and several drug charges. They say that Porter broke into the Emerald Beach Church of God on Alph Coleman in Panama City Beach this morning. He allegedly used a cinder block to smash a window, which alerted a church employee who fled. Authorities say that Porter caused about $8,000 in damage, took some electronic equipment and the church money bag. Deputies, Panama City Beach police and canine units descended on the church and arrested Porter. They say he had meth and paraphernalia.

Porter supposedly claimed that he could not remember what happened inside of the church, at least not most of it, but he did say he remembered baptizing himself in the church's baptism pool. And he claimed something was holding his head under the water. Porter was already free on bond for a burglary in Georgia. There's so much wrong with this. First of all, using a cinder block to break the church's windows, to break into the church. Now, I know scripture says that God does not live in houses made by human hands. So I'm not going to say the church is God's house, but it is a place of positivity for the most part.

A place where people congregate and worship. A place where people go to seek forgiveness and salvation. To break the church's windows may not send you to hell. But damn it, it's sure not creating positive energy in your life either. This sounds like this brother watched First Sunday with Ice Cube and Tracy Morgan one too many times. All right. The church is the place where you go to learn about the most forgiving entity ever. God. OK, keyword is for giving. All right. In Derek's mind mind he looked at the church to be

responsible for giving him money all right listen we know every church collects tithes and offerings and of course the building fund that don't really be building anything but never did we ever think to rob the church have we ever thought about taking back our twenty dollars you know I'm saying that we put in the collection plate and you and putting in a five or a couple ones instead? Yes. Okay, every Sunday we think about that when you're giving your offering, but you're really pushing God's forgiveness

when you take the criminal actions in the church. Now, let's keep in mind that police said they found meth and drug paraphernalia on Derek. So he was probably high out of his mind. And when he tells police that he could not remember what happened during various moments inside the church it's because he was high all right but he does remember baptizing himself in the church's baptistry pool it's safe to say he was high out of his mind if that's what he thinks okay see porter claims something was holding his head down under the water while in

the pool derrick let me be the first to tell you that you are experiencing a meth-induced psychosis. All right, hallucination. You weren't being baptized. You were swimming. All right, you took a lap or two in the church's pool. Now, can you baptize yourself? Sure. All right, it's not the pattern laid out in the Bible,

nor is it the recommended method of being baptized. However, if you truly understand the purpose of water baptism that is revealed in the word of God, okay, you can do it all right and if you have no one who was able to baptize you at the time then of course you might do it yourself but don't listen to me okay because there's not a jakes or roberts in my name so i could be totally wrong but i don't think breaking into a church being high off meth is the right environment or setting for a baptism now let me tell you something else let me tell you where else

this man went wrong and why he's truly getting donkey of the day today you're broken to the church okay send a block to the window bang you caused eight thousand dollars worth of damage to the church then you stole all the electronics tvs computers and the church's money bag that's why you're being charged with burglary of an occupied structure now here's the thing your order was off my brother okay you're broken to the church and baptized yourself first and then committed all these things. If you was going to do it, you should have broke into the church, stole what you wanted to steal and save the baptism for last. Because the whole point of baptism is to wash away your sins. Correct. What you did is the equivalent of taking a shower and then doing a number two.

OK, you are a different type of human, basically a psychopath. If you shower, then do a number two. OK, you are a different type of human, basically a psychopath. If you shower, then do a number two on purpose. OK, I understand sometimes, you know, happens. All right. But nobody purposely takes a shower and then does a number two. Just like nobody walks into a church, gets baptized and then sins on purpose. You might sin after you get baptized, but not on purpose. Like you have to pick one, Derek. All right. If you're going to break into a church and still you have to get baptized but not on purpose like you have to pick one derrick all right if you're gonna break into a church and still you have to get baptized at a later date but

you're damn sure don't baptize yourself first and then sin please give derrick porter the sweet Of the day You are the doggy Of the day Yeehaw Now I can't prove any of this. But? But I feel like BJ Envy showers and then takes a number two on purpose. What do you think, Ashley? It's my life.

It strikes me as the type. Is that what you're thinking about why because the way you looked when I said it no yes when I said it you looked like like he was unfazed yeah what's wrong with that no that's not not true at all but the way you just asked that question it seems like once you just answer the question once you just answer the question what if I poop I shower do you shower and then poop on purpose, though? No. Okay.

Man, you are a liar, and you've always been a liar. That is not true. Okay. When I poop, I shower. All right. I'm not judging. Why you all on my butt? I'm not.

Why you on my butt? I'm not. Nor do I want to be. All right. Then why you asking? BET, we'll see you guys tomorrow. Peace, BET. Donkey of the Day is brought to you by the law office of Michael S. Laminsoff.

Don't be a donkey. Dial pound 250 on your cell and say the bull if you've been hurt in a construction accident. That's pound 250 from your cell and say the bull. Had enough of this country? Ever dreamt about starting your own? I planted the flag. This is mine. I own this.

It's surprisingly easy. 55 gallons of water, 500 pounds of concrete. Or maybe not. No country willingly gives up their territory. Oh my God. What is that? Bullets. Listen to Escape from Zakistan.

That's Escape from Z-A-Q-istan on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey guys, I'm Kate Max. You might know me from my popular online series, The Running Interview Show, where I run with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and more. After those runs, the conversations keep going. That's what my podcast, Post High is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeart

Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Trying our best. And you're going to figure out the rhythm of this thing. Alicia Keys, like you've never heard her before. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Dani Shapiro, host of the hit podcast, Family Secrets. How would you feel if when you met your biological father for the first time, he didn't even say hello? And what if your past itself was a secret and the time had suddenly come

to share that past with your child? These are just a few of the powerful and profound questions we'll be asking on our 11th season of Family Secrets. Listen to season 11 of Family Secrets on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hello, my und you get your podcasts. and stories that'll make you wish the lights stayed on. So join me, won't you? Let's dive into the eerie unknown together.

Sleep tight, if you can. Listen to Haunting on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Haunting.