The Breakfast Club - Family Therapy: Life is What You Notice

Episode Date: June 8, 2024

The Black Effect Presents... Family Therapy! In this episode Jay and David have separate sessions that both revolve around the theme of personal growth and self-improvement. They also explore the concept of rediscovering one's true self and finding happiness and fulfillment in life.   The conversation is divided into two main chapters: 'Jay's Journey to Personal Growth and Being Present' and 'David's Desire for Consistency and Understanding How to Live with Grief.'   During Jay and Elliott’s session, Jay expresses her desire for change and a clear strategy to move forward in her life. We learn more about the separation from her partner David and the importance of being happy and the difference it would make despite all and current circumstances. Elliott encourages Jaylin to take small steps towards change and to pay attention to the clues that she is moving closer to being her true self The conversation with David highlights the need to overcome obstacles and maintain a mindset of resilience. Elliott and David discuss the power of remembering and honoring their loved ones who have passed away, and how it can inspire them to be their best selves. Elliott asks David what would be different if he were to acknowledge his ascended loved ones and realize the opportunity remains to make them proud. During both of these sessions and moving forward, Elliott will challenge the family members weekly to inspire them to start living as the best version of themselves irregardless of life’s perpetual challenges. Learn More: ElliottConnie.com Connect: @ElliottSpeaks Text: 972.426.2640See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys, I'm Kate Max. You might know me from my popular online series, The Running Interview Show, where I run with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and more. After those runs, the conversations keep going. That's what my podcast, Post Run High, is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. As a kid, I really do remember having these dreams

and visions, but you just don't know what is going to come for you. Alicia shares her wisdom on growth, gratitude, and the power of love. I forgive myself. It's okay. Have grace with yourself. You're trying your best, and you're going to figure out the rhythm of this thing. Alicia Keys, like you've never heard her before. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Marie. And I'm Sydney. And we're Mess. Well, not a mess, but on our podcast called Mess, we celebrate all things messy. But the gag is not everything is a mess. Sometimes it's just

living. Yeah, things like JLo on her her third divorce. Living. Girls trip to Miami. Mess. Breaking up with your girlfriend while on Instagram Live. Living. It's kind of mess. Yeah. Well, you get it. Got it? Live, love, mess. Listen to Mess with Sydney Washington and Marie Faustin on

iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, this is Justin Richmond, host of the Broken Record Podcast. Every week, I or my co-host, Leah Rose, sit down with the artists you love to get unparalleled creative insight. Our new series is looking at one of the most influential jazz labels ever, Blue Note Records. You'll hear from artists like legendary bassist Ron Carter, singer-songwriter Noah Jones, and guitarist

Julian Lodge. Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. It's hard for me to describe what a healing journey looks like because that's different for every person. But the question to ask yourself is, are you ready for change? And if you are ready for change, you are ready for therapy. I think we oftentimes think about therapy as being associated with a problem, but therapy is actually associated with change and healing. And there doesn't even have to be a problem present. Like if you're in a space in life where you're just ready for things to change and you're ready for yourself to grow,

then you're ready for therapy. And you don't even have to know what that change is because part of therapy is the discovery process. So are you ready for change? That's the question you have to ask yourself. And if the answer is yes, then you're ready for therapy. Welcome back to Family Therapy. I'm your host, Elliot Connie.

What's been better in your life since you listened to the previous episode? I pose this question because I want you to make the same shift that I want the family that I'm working with during this season to make, and that is to focus on your progress and evidence of change more so than you focus on problems. Last week, we introduced you to Jay, Freddie, and David. We learned a little bit about their backgrounds and some of their best hopes from therapy. You'll notice I'll ask that question quite often as we continue in the sessions.

Again, because I want the family to focus more on their outcomes more than their problems. You'll also notice that every family member has a different goal for therapy. And it's important I ask about their goals often to make sure we are working collectively towards accomplishing them. Right before we started the sessions, Jay and David decided to separate. They continued to live together, which posed some significant challenges for both Jay and David. So over the next few weeks, I was able to spend some time with each of them individually in order to gain more insight into their current circumstances and what they are both thinking about as they go through this very challenging time. My conversation with Jay revolves around her aspirations for personal growth and self-improvement, particularly in terms of physical fitness, well-being and parenting she expresses to me a desire to reclaim aspects of a former self that was more adventurous and active while also acknowledging the challenges of balancing personal needs with family responsibilities if you woke up tomorrow

and that old jay was back with all of those traits confident and you know the best version of yourself and i know it's harder now because you know the life is different kids and you know all those things but like if somehow that j just became present again how would you notice it if it just kind of happened overnight you woke up tomorrow and all of a sudden you were like that j how would you notice it i think she would be excited about the day ahead of her. I think that she would be motivated to get started on her day. What time would it be that you would wake up?

Probably 5.30. 5.30. And are you alone at 5.30 in the morning or is somebody in the bed with you? No, someone's in the bed with me. or somebody in the bed with you? No, someone's in the bed with me. Someone's in the bed with you. So when you woke up at 5.30 in the morning, what would be the first indicator that I'm the version of you that's excited about the day? I probably would get up and work out. Are you serious?

Yeah. How unusual would that be, Jay, for you to wake up and think, I got a lot going on today. There's a lot happening, but I'm the kind of Jay I'm going to work out today. I haven't worked out at 5.30 in a long time. So it would be pretty strange. What would you do that would really fit with, I'm that version of Jay, because this is what Jay does. She gets up at 5.30 in the morning and she works out. Maybe a 10-hour marathon workout session or maybe just a quick 10-minute work, whatever it is.

But what would you do that would really fit with this is who James? It would probably be like a 45-minute workout. I would spend about 15 minutes on cardio And the rest lifting weights Where would you do this? I would do it at the gym Do you have a gym membership? I just cancelled it So if you woke up tomorrow

Where would you do this workout? I guess my basement But I don't have any fitness down there But if I had it I swear I would do it Where is David at this time? He's downstairs Oh you mean in real life or in this In this yeah like 530

In this scenario Oh yeah I mean I mean if this was like to happen Tomorrow he would be here, if this was, like, to happen tomorrow, he would be here. But if this was happening in this imaginary scenario, he would not be here.

Okay. Why would he not be here in this scenario? Because we would be separated. Do you think the old Jane would want to separate from david yes okay what makes and i'm not questioning i'm not saying you should or shouldn't when i ask what i'm about to ask you but how come the old jane has such clarity about that like what makes the old jane really confident that like yeah elliot if i were this version of me and i was motivated i i would separate she didn't have children but now she does because you're you're still this jade but the old jade personality is just bad right so how would the old jade being present in

your current situation handle the relationship? She would leave. She would separate. And how do you know? How do you know that? You answer that and there's a confidence and a clarity in the way you answer that. How do you know that? Because that's what both Jalen's want. Gotcha.

Gotcha. Okay. And when you finished this 45-minute workout, what difference would that make to you? It feels great. It feels good. It feels like I'm in control of my body. I'm doing the things that I know are helpful for me to be healthy, to be active, to be able to keep up with my children.

And it looks I feel like I look good. You know, I feel like I'm looking good. I feel good. Yeah. Do you enjoy that yes okay david would be present tomorrow right if this if this were to actually happen tomorrow david would be present yes when he first looks at you how would he know like i'm looking at the confident feel good looks good like before you even said anything, what would he see that would tell him? That's like the real Jake. I mean, who knows? Maybe we're going to be together forever. Maybe we're not

going to be together for another minute, but I'm looking at her and like there's a difference in who she is. How would he notice that? I guess he would notice the confidence, the eagerness to to make it happen um and he would see that i look like my old self because i would remind him how i used to be how would he see it you you use words like confidence what would he see that would be like that's jay when she's confident like she there it is like how would he see that would be like, that's Jay when she's confident, like she.

There it is. Like, how would he see what would he what would he actually see that would tell him? Oh, my gosh, that's her at her absolute, you know, bestness. How would he see that? I think it's like a hard question. I know. And I'm sorry for asking you hard questions, but you should ask hard questions. I'm just trying to find the answer for that. Thank you for that, by the way. Thank you for working it. Sure. I guess you would see that I'm like happy. I don't know. I'm not sure.

How do you do happy? Like when you're happy, 530 in the morning, you just did this 45 minute workout. And then he sees you David sees you how do you do happy what does Jade look like when she's happy just talkative and making jokes and I guess

not seeming so distracted I don't know if that's the word but not seeming so distracted. I don't know if that's the word, but I think a lot of times when I interact with him now, I seem distracted. I feel like I seem like I have a lot of heaviness on me.

So I think if I just came from my 45-minute workout after waking up at 5.30 in the morning, typically I'm like, you know, excited. I'm happy. I'm ready, getting ready for the day. I'm like, let's go. You know? Um, I don't think he sees that that much these days. What difference would it make to you to be happy even in David's presence? Whether we want to be together

or not, what difference would it make to you to be happy regardless of the David situation or not? Does that make sense? Yeah, that makes sense. It would make a huge difference, but honestly, sometimes I don't know how to do that.

But on this day, if it just showed up, you woke up at 530, you got a 45 minute workout in and you feel good and you look good and your confidence is back and you're happy. And you said, like, I'd be talkative and I'd be joking. What different makes you to be those those things even in that environment? I think it would make a great difference. It would make a positive difference. I just don't know how to do it. I know how to do it.

I just, I guess, have gotten into a place where I've chosen not to do it. Maybe that's it. Gotcha. How would David respond? Like, what do you think he would say once he saw that happiness and confidence within you? He would probably joke around, too, but I don't think he would pay me much attention.

When he sees you. And where would he see you? Would he see you, like, in the kitchen? Would he come down to the bathroom? Where would he see you? Would he see you in the kitchen? Would he come down to the bathroom? Where would he see you? Likely in the kitchen or in the living room cleaning up. And he might

make a joke about it? Yeah. What difference do you imagine it would make for him to notice it in that exact moment? What difference would it make to him to notice it in that exact moment? Like what difference would it make to him to notice it? Do you think? It would probably motivate him.

And he'll probably want to work out with me the next time. Have you guys ever done that before? Yeah, we kind of, in our early stages of our relationship, we used to work out a lot in this recent gym membership that I had when I started working out. He wanted to come with me, which was fine, I guess. And how would he express to you that you're motivating him and he would like to join you at some point in the future? How would he express that uh he would just ask if he could join me if he could join me at the gym how would you respond

i say yeah what difference would that make to you to have him joining you in the workout to be honest i really wouldn't want him to. I'm going to push you a bit. Then what would the real Jade say if he asked you? She would probably let him, to be honest. Because even that version would want to see him benefit from working out too. Wow. Wow. How come? Where do you get that from? I don't know. I mean, I like to see, I like to see people happy. I like to help people. And I,

like a lot of women, tend to put my feelings in the back burner and say, if it's for the greater good, you could go ahead and do it, even if that's not what I want. I want to throw something at you and see what you think about this. This doesn't feel like you're putting your feelings in the back burner. You said, I like to see people happy. So this feels like I would let him work out with me to attend to the fact that I like to see people happy. Is that right? Yeah, but the greater feeling is that I wouldn't want him to be there. I would want to do it on my own. Would you be pleased to catch yourself saying that? You know what, David, I appreciate you want to join me, but I want to, I want to

do this for my own for a while. Would you be pleased to hear yourself say that? I would. Yeah. And would that feel like the real Jay? Maybe a new version of her, perhaps, but does that feel like the real J? That feels like the J that I want to be, but I don't know that either version of me so far has necessarily been that. Oh, but that is the J that you want to be. Yeah. What difference would it make for you to be able to be that J? Like just totally, i'd like to do this on my own i want i want this to be mine for a bit um i would i would think that'd be awesome i think that you have to create spaces for yourself and you have to allow yourself to be in that space the way that you want to be in that space. And that's not something that I

tend to do often. So I would be excited about making that decision, even though I feel like part of me would be like, oh my God, I hurt his feelings. But more importantly, I think it would be that this is what you want and you were able to express that and stay committed to it. So I think that would be more important. How do you imagine he'd respond to you saying that? Like, you know, I appreciate it maybe one day, but for now, I just want to keep this for me. He would not like it. He wouldn't say that he didn't like it, but I know he wouldn't. And how would this new Jay deal with him not liking it, but stick to it? She would do just that. She would say, you know, Hey,

I know you want to go and you know, maybe we could figure out a time in the future, but right now this is for me. Which one of your children would notice this shift in mom first? My oldest. What would he notice that would tell him something is different about my mother? I think he would notice the same things that David would. I probably would have seen a little less stressed, a little bit more lighthearted, a little bit more excited. And he would want to go to the gym too.

Would he really? The membership that i had was um they had a kid's room and he's been asking to go back but this costs a little bit too much right now yeah of course you know that makes sense um and what difference do you think this kind of new version that would make in life she would have more energy and she would be less stressed out and how would that impact hopefully that would result in having more patience and um more playfulness i do play with him, but I think, you know, I could probably be better at that. How would the version of Jay that you want to be show that you're enjoying this time with him? You know, if you guys are playing with Pokemon or tag or whatever you're doing, how would this like new version of Jay show that you were really enjoying this time um she would not be distracted so she

she would just be very present and allow herself to enjoy the moment and would this be like a big surprise to her or a little surprise you know what i mean would this be like a big surprise to him or a little surprise? You know what I mean? Would this be like a big change or a small change? I feel like I, for the most part, he likes to play a lot. So, I mean, for the most part, I try to be, you know, very present with him. And, but I don't, I can't say that I play with him as much as he would like me to. So I think this new version would probably

be more willing to play more often. So yeah, that would be a shift for him. How would he respond to that? He would love it. He would love it and I would be tired. He would be tired, but he would love it. Yeah. would be tired he would be tired but he would love it yeah and what difference would it make for you to know that you were being more true to yourself and making happy like what difference would that make to you it would make a huge difference i want i want to be the best version of myself and i also want him to to happy. So it would make a huge difference.

I think he's happy now, but I'm sure that more playtime with his mom would definitely be something he would enjoy. And not just, I wouldn't just say playtime. I think more dedicated time where I'm just very present with him and not distracted. Right. I think he would certainly love that. What else would you notice that would let you know you're being the Jane that you've always wanted to be like the best version of you? Best version of me. me I don't know I need to think about what that looks like

okay I mean there's things that I feel like are coming to mind but I don't know that those are the best versions of me. Can you give me an example? So initially I was going to say I would probably change my job, but I don't know that the best version of me requires me to change my job.

I love that you said that. I'll tell you why in a minute. Part of me, yeah, part of me wants to say, yeah, I changed my job. I do something more exciting, more interesting. But at the same time, I don't know that that is what I necessarily need right now or that I even need it to be my best version. Can I point out something to you? And by the way, I want to I thank you so much for working so hard to answer my questions. I know that they weren't always easy and old Jay come back as the new you. This is actually not about your relationship, not about your job. It's about the real, authentic Jay figuring out how to be present in this moment. And the more you talked about that, the more like intrigued I became.

And the cool thing about like real deep happiness is it's not circumstantial. So like it doesn't require you to change your job or your relationship. It's something that like resides within you. And I would love to help you get that back. So that is not impacted by whether or not you love your job or not, or whether or not you're going to stay in your relationship or not, or whether or not your kids are running up the walls playing or, or any of those things, it's, it's just kind of centered and balanced within you. And I want to help you more than anything, kind of rediscover that. So can I, can I ask you to do something? Would that be all right?

There's a funny thing about change. Okay. I don't want you to change too much, too fast. Like, I don't want you to wake up tomorrow and go, you know what? Screw that job. I'm quitting that job. And screw that. Screw this dude. I'm leaving this dude.

Like, if you change too much, too fast, it's almost like not real. You know? Yeah. Let me give you an example. On a scale of zero to 10, 10 being you're that version of James 100% of the time Which by the way no one is anything 100% of the time And 0 is the exact opposite Where would you say you are on that scale?

Maybe a 3-4 Okay Here's what I would like you to do I want you As you say 3-4 I want you to go through Your days I want four, I want you to go through your days. I want you to wake up tomorrow, go through your days and notice all of the clues that you're no longer a three, four. You're now like a solid four and maybe a five.

Okay. Right. And I want you to do little things that give you an idea like, huh, I don't think I'm a 3-4 anymore. I've moved up on the scale just a bit. I want you to work out in the morning or I want you to say things like, you know what? I want to work out by myself, David. I enjoy you. You're fine, but I'm going to work out by myself because this needs to be about me.

I want you to catch yourself playing with your children and just be a little bit more present in the ways you were describing. I just want you to pay more and deeper attention to all of the clues that you're moving closer towards being that Jamie. The thing I found most wonderful about talking to you is there were moments where you had this really bright smile as you talked about who Jamie really is. And if you had me guess, I think you're distracted

by the difficult circumstances of life. And I would like you to kind of reshift that focus. I want you to pay really close attention to all of the clues that you're moving a little bit up that scale. Is that okay? I will try. Excellent.

There's a part of us that we fall in love with, and it's usually that younger self when you were exciting and interested in cool things. And when I say younger, I don't necessarily mean age-related. I mean from a responsibility standpoint, like you didn't have kids, you didn't have a job, you didn't have a mortgage. You could just be the truest and most authentic form of yourself. And then as life unfolds and life gets more serious and you get more responsibilities and you get a spouse and you have children, you have to pay taxes and you get a home, you lose sight of those things that you used to do that you enjoyed. You lose sight of that

part of you that you used to tap into to really love and enjoy life. You spend so much of your time paying bills and working and being an adult in our current society. We refer to this as adulting very often that you lose a sense of who you really are. And for this therapy with Jay, which is also common with so many people, the journey of healing is often associated with the rediscovering of your old self. And that's exactly the journey that Jay is going to go on here. Hey guys, I'm Kate Max. You might know me from my popular online series, The Running Interview Show, where I run with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and more. After those runs, the conversations keep going. That's what my podcast, Post Run High, is all about. It's a

chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. You know that rush of endorphins you feel after a great workout? Well, that's when the real magic happens. So if you love hearing real, inspiring stories from the people you know, follow, and admire,

join me every week for Post Run High. It's where we take the conversation beyond the run and get into the heart of it all. It's lighthearted, pretty crazy, and very fun. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. As a kid, I really do remember having these dreams and visions, but you just don't know what is going to come for you. Alicia Keys opens up about conquering doubt, learning to trust herself and leaning into her dreams.

I think a lot of times we are built to doubt the possibilities for ourselves. For self-preservation and protection, it was literally that step by step. And so I discovered that that is how we get where we're going. This increment of small, determined moments. Alicia shares her wisdom on growth, gratitude, and the power of love. I forgive myself. It's okay. Like grace, have grace with yourself. You're trying your best and you're going to figure out the rhythm of this thing. Alicia Keys, like you've never heard her before. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Think of it as a black show for non-black people. We discuss everything from prejudice to politics to police violence,

and we try to give you the tools to create positive change in your home, workplace, and social circle. Exactly. Whether you're black, Asian, white, Latinx, indigenous, LGBTQIA+, you name it. If you stand with us, then we stand with you. Let's discuss the stories and conduct the interviews that will help us create a more empathetic, accountable and equitable America. You are all our brothers and sisters, and we're inviting you to join us for Civic Cipher each and every Saturday with myself, Ramses Jha, Q Ward and some of the greatest minds in America. Listen to Civic Cipher every Saturday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What's up, y'all? This is Questlove, and I'm here to tell you about a new podcast I've been working on with the Story Pirates and John Glickman called Historical Records.

It's a family-friendly podcast. Yeah, you heard that right. A podcast for all ages. One you can listen to and enjoy with your kids starting on September 27th. I'm going to toss it over to the host of Historical Records, Nimany, to tell you all about it. Make sure you check it out. Hey, y'all. Nimany here. I'm the host of a brand-new history podcast

for kids and families called Historical Records. Historical Records brings history to life through hip-hop. Flash, slam, another one gone Bash, bam, another one gone The crack of the bat and another one gone brings history to life through hip-hop. Each episode is about a different inspiring figure from history. Like this one about Claudette Colvin, a 15-year-old girl in Alabama who refused to give up her seat on the city bus nine whole months

before Rosa Parks did the same thing. Check it. And it began with me Did you know, did you know I wouldn't give up my seat Nine months before Rosa It was called a moment Get the kids in your life excited about history

by tuning in to Historical Records. Because in order to make history, you have to make some noise. Listen to Historical Records on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. David has a strong desire for consistency. But not just consistency, the kind of consistency that's going to reignite that inner beast in him that allowed him to climb to the very, very top of the athletic world. He wants to take initiative in his relationship and his finances to reclaim that old David. Now, I intend to help David shift his mindset

and find solace and support within the grief that's coupled with his armor. You mentioned your mom, and your mom has you and Hugo become successful. And I think I heard you say your sister was an attorney. Is that right? Yeah, my sister's an attorney now. How special was your mom? My mom.

I don't see my mother go through a lot with my dad. Strong, smart. It stayed on her boys. Like, that's my girl right there. She passed away last year. Oh, man.

Yeah, yeah. So my mom's was very special. And just seeing that smile on her face, you know, and then I didn't want to let her down when I went to the next level and stuff like that. And I always made sure my mom's was good because she sacrificed a lot for us, you know, to keep a roof over our head, food on the table and clothes on our back. So like she, that was the thing, like everything I was doing, I was like, yo, this for you, mom, this for you. Cause she was one of my biggest heroes. Like, you know

what I'm saying? And she just kept pushing, pushing. How responsible is your mother for that fire you had in you to become successful? I done seen my mom's go through with my dad, like physical abuse, mental abuse, busting her butt. Dad ain't really helping out. Like I said, my dad, I love him. I respect some of the things he did. I understand more now. They didn't really get it then, but my mom's held us down.

Like when people talk about how they mother, like my mother really, really made it work. I respect my moms for that. And that's why when I got to the league and all that stuff, I was just telling like, mom, you good. Don't worry about nothing. You good. Like for that. And that's why when I got to the league and all that stuff, I was just telling like, mom, you're good. Don't worry about nothing. You're good.

Like, for real. So, if you woke up tomorrow and that fire, like something happened overnight while you were asleep and that fire became like that fire

again, like this raging inferno inside of you when you woke up the next day how would you know that that fire was back what's the first clue you would have that would tell you that fire is back probably a mind shift or the way I'm approaching stuff so this is the thing when i say the fire right because it'd be day like the stay lit it's like you know you turn on the pilot on the stove right right i had to water start boiling or i did done it cut off right right so you don't need it no more okay some days is like that a lot of days it's not so the consistency of the days being like that then i know like i'd like i today today

right but it just be a lot of stuff in between a lot of stuff that i gotta get over like you know what i'm saying i gotta get it out of my system because like i've been through a lot i've been through a lot and i lost a lot of good people like one thing that bothers me to this day is losing my sister to this day like yesterday was a birthday rough day can't look at pictures can't look at pictures you know david when did you lose your sister 2017 never forget the phone call my home jay in the office in her office studying and her friends called me it was like dave i seen him pulling the body out of your sister i was like what jay what came out she was like i was like yo something happened to jim i gotta get over that she was like oh you gotta get calm down calm down let's go see what happened it'd be nothing

and then when i found out what it was and it was like deja vu because i had to call my brothers and sisters about my dad because everybody called me first and i was by myself then i had to call my brother and sister about my sister so i was like yo and i was my girl we three years apart we did everything together like you know what i'm saying like she wrote me because you know she had to go to she went to jail for a couple of years and all that stuff that she wrote me and it was like yo i'm wanting don't matter what nobody say i'm your number one fan i'm your biggest fan i still got that letter to this day so losing her like it ripped me apart like for wow i missed work for like a month like almost a

month a month and some change yeah like that was that was rough that was rough how'd she pass and that's the crazy thing right so i always go see her on my day off. I'll go see her because she was a WMPT because she was diabetic. Live by herself, functional and everything. I was like, I ain't see my sister in a couple days.

I said, I'm going to go see her tomorrow because I was off the next day. They said when I talked to the neighbors they said that they didn't they heard her one day and then they didn't hear her they didn't hear her it was like a Monday yeah cause I work Monday I work Tuesday Wednesday they did a wellness check And that's when they found her On the side of by her bed So It came to her that She had a diabetic shock She went to a diabetic shock

And she must have fell And she was sitting there By the side of her bed for like a day And some change or something like that Or maybe two days Wow And you guys were very close yeah yeah like because i have my daughter she'll watch my because you know i was the first one to have a kid so she loved my daughter and you know i was like every operation she had

i was with her and i carried her out of the house, helped her move. I even lived with her for like a little bit. Like, look, we brothers and sisters, did we fight and stuff? Argue? Yeah. But we wouldn't go without speaking. You know, like we was close, close. Like even when Jalen was deployed one time, it was New Year's my daughter with her mother and her cousin over there and they do their thing crab legs and all that this was my daughter was still up here

my brother having something by his house with the fellas though but I was just in that mood I ain't want to go nowhere so she called me and she was like this our last New Year's together yeah it was turning 2016 because I got the picture and she was like um what you doing i said nothing in the house let's go off to work she's like you in the house on new year's eve you know i'm about to come over there she took a cab over there i paid for the cab and then i jumped in the car she was like come on let's go to the house yeah so then we drove to my brother house and then that was that yeah like so we used to hang out together i'll just go over our house and just hang out with her and you know she'll riff with

my sister she'll riff with my little brother sometimes my moms or whatever i was like the the the medium in between that i'm like oh come on since you bugging like god ain't right you know i'm saying yeah you're coming over for Thanksgiving. Like, what you mean? All right. But stuff like, you know, then when she's sick and down, like I'll go over there, pick up her medicine. You know, when she had a other lady cut off, I went up to the hospital. We don't fought together. Like we don't cry together. And then when my father passed, she like um she was like yo you good i said yeah i'm good i'm good she said you sure you don't look good i said nah daddy always told me to make sure y'all good because i was the oldest boy and then she told me she said we're

gonna make sure you good so like she was a person i go to and talk to like about whatever and she wasn't biased right she'll tell me if i'm wrong. Like she would tell me that. Like, you know what I'm saying? Like she would say that. How do you think on a day when you woke up and you, that fire was burning, if your sister could see you, how do you think she'd feel about seeing her brother at his best again? You know what I mean? How do you think that would impact her to see her brother at his

best? She'll be smiling ear to ear. She'll probably say something. She'll say, uh-oh, you're back on your shit. There you go. That's what I'm talking about. Yeah. Because she used to say that all the time. She could see it. Or if I'm walking her house, she'd say, she's like, little little bro you got a

glow going on oh right what's going on okay all right all right all right keep it up you don't get it what difference does that make to you when you know she can see it's a validation like you know what i'm saying it's like because like i ain ain't going to be, I ain't going to be that. It's like when you play sports and you don't went to the highest level and when you performing or doing something, the validation, you get back from it. It just keeps you pushing a little bit. Every athlete, I don't care. You listen to them and they tell you that, like that validation that you're getting back from it when you don't really get that validation no more

like it's kind of hard and it could be on you too though but it's kind of hard like you know what i'm saying and uh i think i think that's what it is it's like yo she was like like i know i'm doing like i'm like know I'm doing like, I'm like, yeah, I'm doing my thing. But then she recognized it because she could see it. She could smell it.

Right. And she see the smile on my face and stuff like that. And she'll know if something is bothering me too. Cause she asked, or I'll call him like, yo, what you doing? No,

I'm like, no, I'm gonna come through. I gotta talk to you real quick. All right. So I'll just go over there and we'll just talk like hours. What, um,

let's say you wake up tomorrow and that fire is back. Like I was saying, and if your sister was watching you, what would she see you do? That would make her say, ask my brother on his shit. Like that's what, what's the first thing she would see that would

tell her that's that's the guy i know probably the you know the way i'm handling a certain situation or like you know something like if it's something with the job and she see me and if she was watching me see me at action and stuff because she'd seen that before she could tell she'd be able to tell that way you know interacting with my kids or something like you know like i'll never like on them but she she she had a good eye on seeing certain stuff and i think that's what it'll be like see me move in a certain way or the way I'm walking or something like that or hearing me in a conversation like she'd be like oh okay

that's what I done seen that before oh yeah he on his his back I think that's what it is yeah would you would you be pleased to have it back absolutely like I said earlier, absolutely.

It's been a rough few years. Yes, sir. My sister, best friend. I've been hit by a truck. Be quiet. Are you serious? Yeah, crossing the street. SUV.

By the grace of God, you know um walked away from it I mean stitches broken eye socket though but I was home like after I left the hospital I was home like in a few hours you know uh daughter moving to Florida at the spirit of the moment. She was up here, but it wasn't working out. I knew my daughter needed to be with her mother. As a man and a father, the much as it hurt me, I knew she needed to be with her mom. It's not working. I could see it. I don't know if you have kids or not or whatever, but when you can't put a Band-Aid on it and she's crying and there's nothing that you can fix, I couldn't put a Band-Aid on it unless she was hurting me.

I'm like, listen, you don't got to make the choice. That's what fathers do. I make the choice. You know what I'm saying? You're going to be up here at this time and I'm going, listen, you don't got to make the choice. That's what fathers do. I make the choice. You know what I'm saying? You're going to be up here. This is the time. And I'm going to come see you and come up here for the summer and blah, blah, blah. good father like i love my kids unconditionally and i'll do anything for my children no matter what but that that really played a a real thing on my heart yeah you say like you've been there through a lot of this stuff but i think that's one of the things that's taken the toll because the meter was at 100 and now it was just like the heat going down heat going down heat going down

and creep back up and then it's going down then it's going down because i'm like yo which way do i turn how would jay notice that david was like you know that fire is back and he's at his absolute best because i met jalen in 13 and when I first started working got into the furniture game like she done seen like I don't like she done seen it she done seen it like now there's other things that

overall that she might like yo he need to have fire on this and that but she done seen me in the mix she know in the years we've been together it would have to be is not more as a day it would have to be something that's consistent she need to see some consistency out of some of the stuff right and one thing she say all the time she's like oh dave is very consistent. He's well-knowledge when it comes to, you know, working and stuff like that.

But I need him. She said this before. She said, I need him to take that and bring it in the house. I need him to take that and put it in a relationship. I need him to take that and put it into the finances. That's what I need. I need him to take that and put it into me. That's what she needs. How would she know you were doing it? If you took that and put it in the house, in the relationship, in the finances, into her, how would she know you were doing it?

What would be a clue to her? Me taking initiative on something. Like, let's just say a savings for both of us. Let's say I do it for a month straight. And I'm like, listen, this is the savings account that I wanted to do with both of us. This is where I'm at right now. This is for a whole month I did this

and it's set up on auto pay. So every week this is being taken out of my check and it's going to here. This is our joint savings account for emergencies or whatever something like that simple like that and she's like oh all right david if you were to say that like i set up a joint savings account auto pay it's going over here if you were to say that and then do it for a month and do it consistently would she experience that as like a big surprise or a little surprise? Big surprise.

Big surprise. Yeah. What difference would that make to her for you to be doing that and be consistent with it and be following through with it? What difference would that make to her? That would be a big difference. That would make a big difference to her. I think that would make her feel like, okay, he's really thinking about the long game and

not the short game he's he's he's putting a bigger effort on our finances you know everything is just separate now like you know what i'm saying and that's what it is and i i mean look i admitted it before a whole bunch of times like i just never been in no relationship like that, that anything joint or whatever the case may be. I'll take care of what I need to take care of and make sure the house is good, and I sit and just keep it moving like that,

but she doesn't operate that way. And now that we have kids, it's a no-no. So I think that'll be a big step. That'll be part of a lot of other things. That'll be a good step moving in the right direction. And if your sister were watching you and she sees you bringing that into the house, into the relationship, into the finances, what do you think your sister would think of her brother if she's watching down, seeing you move like that? She'll probably smile.

And she'll be like, yo, this is exactly what she said. She'll be like, yo, that's what's up. That's what's up. She'll say, because a lot of guys don't do that. You know? Right. A lot of guys don't do that, right? She'll probably be like, oh, all right.

She'll say, that's a good step. She'll probably say how she feel about that. And then her slick mouth will be like, yo, you still got access to it, right? You know, something left now. Go get your money. You don't want me to go talk to her. But yeah, that's my sister, right? Yeah. What do you think that would do to your mom

as she watches you knowing that David's treating his partner the way a woman should be treated? One thing about my mother like she loves Jay. Like I said, she met Jay in 2013. My mother's health was stronger than so she loves

Jay, right? Yeah. But one thing my mother knows is she always said, I'm a gentleman. The way I treat my partner, my girlfriends or whatever, it was already different and a little better than what how she was treated. I never seen a man take care of my mother the way she needed to be taken care about. What would it do to you to still be able to make your mom and older sister proud of you even though

they're not here? You know what I mean? What would it do to you to know that they're not here, but they're still watching and you can still make them proud of you? How do you think that would fire you? I think it would impact me a lot. I think they are definitely super proud of me. I think, you know, like, I think they are definitely super proud of me.

I think they are watching down and, you know, see that I'm hurting, see that I'm going through some things, see I had some challenges in my way. But, you know, I think they are saying, like, they just keep pushing, don't give up. You know, you can do it. That's what my mother used to say. I really think if they see we get through these things and know everything is going to be okay, that'll really make them proud. I even make my dad proud, too,

because one thing my father used to always tell me, he was like, God give his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. And I used to, I said, he printed out that prayer for me one time and, uh, and I got it somewhere in my stuff. And I used to have it hanging up in my dorm room, my apartment, you know, and I used to always read it. It was that and the Jabbaz prayer. I used to read it every day, every day. I had to stop for some reason. I had to stop doing that. I told this to Jay one time. I was like, this one, I'm just going through it. And I said, because I was missing my dad at the time. And this was when my sister was still alive. And I haven't been to my father's site.

And I was missing my dad. And I finally went up there and i told her i was like yo i admitted i was like yo maybe i ain't one of his strongest soldiers and she was like no don't say that look what you done been doing kept going you done got up you know she military you done dust your boots off and you got up and you kept on trucking but i was like yo it's been a lot of times i just want to throw the towel in and like man i can't take this, it's been a lot of times. I just want to throw the towel in and be like, man, I can't take this anymore. Like it's a lot of weight on my shoulders. Like, I don't know. I'll ask you one more question. When you were playing sports, cause you talked about like,

this just saw these obstacles when you were playing athletics, literally on every play, there was an obstacle between you and your objective. How did you overcome those obstacles to achieve your objective? Literally on every play. My preparation for the obstacle, right? I think I was just, I think my coaches and myself prepare me to the best I could get prepared, and then making adjustments on the fly. I just felt like the person that was in front of me, I don't think he's better than me.

I think I'm going to dominate him and trust in my team around me. I think that's what helped me be successful on the football field. And you said something to me. I literally smiled when you said it. You said, I knew I would dominate him. Better than him. So I talked to a guy who was a defensive lineman, really, really successful.

And I asked him a similar question. And he told me, and he was a defensive lineman and he rushed the passer a lot in college and in the NFL. And I asked him a similar question. How did you accomplish your objective? When there was another guy whose job it was to stop you, he said, I didn't focus on the obstacle. I focused on my objective. And I was confused by that. I said, what do you mean? He said, well, for example, he said one of the things we would study in our preparation is how far back the quarterback drops back. So when I'm rushing the passer, I'm trying to get to that point. And he said, I don't even think about the offensive line.

I'm only trying to get to the point where I know that quarterback is going to be. And I was like, whoa, I mean, that's crazy. The ability to convince himself that he was better than the obstacle and only focus on the outcome, which is I need to get to that spot. And you just said a very similar thing. And I can't help but have two thoughts. And I really want to share these things with you. The first one is, David, what would happen if you treated every life obstacle like that? I am better than this obstacle and I'm going to dominate it.

Right. And I'm going to prepare for I'm going to absolutely prepare. To dominate this obstacle, no matter what the obstacle is. Now you have a history of being able to dominate physical obstacles and you did it so well that you literally got paid to dominate physical obstacles. And part of how you did it was you, you developed a mindset that told you, I'm better than this obstacle. What if you

took that mindset into every obstacle you ever face in life? What do you think would happen? It'd be insane. Bro, I need you to take that amazing attitude and mindset you have and have always had and apply it into every aspect of life. Jail things with you.

That's what has made you successful. And I need to remember that that's who you are. Obstacles are irrelevant when you are prepared and you remind yourself, I can dominate this obstacle that immediately makes the obstacle irrelevant. Does that make sense? Yeah. Absolutely do make sense. It's almost emotional for me to say there was a point you were talking where it was almost hard for me to compose myself. But I have a family member that I lost in 2017, the same year. And this family member, it was my uncle. And he was his name was Jeffrey. He was literally the most important person that came into my life.

He was the person that gave me validation. I was in Denmark giving a lecture when I got the worst call of my life. And I remember thinking, I'm 10,000 miles away and all I want is a hug. I feel so alone. And I just got this horrible news. And the way I can describe it, I wasn't prepared to live on this earth without my uncle and his validation. He was the only person that made me feel that way. And I started, I really spent a lot of time thinking about how am I going to do this? And I literally, to this day, live my life knowing that Jeffrey is watching me.

And I do things knowing that Jeffrey is watching me. And it's going to sound crazy, but I still experience that sense of validation because I know he's watching me and I know he's proud of his nephew. And as you talked about your mom, who's clearly important to you, and your big sister, who is clearly important to you, I wonder if there's nothing wrong with David necessarily, except I wonder if David has forgotten that they're still watching him. They're still paying attention to him. And if David reminded himself every day, my goal is still to honor these two amazing women.

My goal is still to make these two amazing women proud of me. And as a consequence, I'm still going to get validation from them. What would happen if you reminded yourself every day that these two amazing women are still paying attention? I think if I start saying that, like if I wake up in the morning and just be like, okay, time to get things going. You know, mom, dad, I know y'all watching. And I'm just going to continue

to keep making y'all proud, right? I know y'all got me. I know y'all smiling down because I said that when I got hit by that truck, I said, my sister wrapped her arms around me and said, Dave, it's going to hurt. It's going to hurt, bro. But you're going to get up.

When I finally went back to work, an older lady at work, she was like, Dave, are you all right? I was like, yeah. She was like, God was with you. That was the angel. I said, that was my sister. And I told her, she was like, that was your sister. That's exactly what she said. Okay. We're about out of time, but can you please do three things for me? What is that? Number one, I want you to remember that obstacles are irrelevant and you have a history of overcoming obstacles with preparation and reminding yourself that you can dominate the obstacle because you're better than the obstacle. Number two, I want you to remember that your sister and your mother are not just with you when you're being hit by a truck. They're with you

every second of every day. And I don't ever want you to forget that they are paying attention. And the third thing I want you to do is I want you to notice the difference doing those first two things makes in your life and in your relationships. Can you do that? Yeah. And then I would love to see you, you know, in a week or whenever we're going to meet again and hear what you notice. OK. Is that all right, bro? Yeah, that's all right.

Absolutely. Oftentimes we get hit with things in life, obstacles, traumas, triggers that cause our lives to go in different directions. And we might feel on top of the world and we might feel like our very best self. And then you get hit with a pattern of grief, loss, sadness, depression, and then that becomes the new normal. And part of what therapy needs to do is to rekindle that fire and reignite that passion that brings you back to who you were before the loss, before the grief, before the trauma, before the angst, before the triggers. That's what this journey is about. That's what life is about. Like no one goes through life without getting hit with

that type of information. So this is actually a skill that all of us need. David needs it. And that's what this session became about. But everyone needs it because if you live long enough, you're going to have a trauma, you're going to have long enough, you're going to have a trauma, you're going to have a tragedy, you're going to have something that you have to recover from. And that's really the mindset of life that I want you to apply is life is not about how do I live a life devoid of pain, trauma, and tragedy. The real successful mindset of life is learning how to apply that thinking to everything. It's learning how to accept I'm going to get hit with obstacles and struggles and difficulties, but my job is to keep moving forward and understand that I can still be the person I was before the difficulty. As a kid, I really do remember

having these dreams and visions, but you just don't know what is going to come for you. Alicia Keys opens up about conquering doubt, learning to trust herself, and leaning into her dreams. I think a lot of times we are built to doubt the possibilities for ourselves. For self-preservation and protection,

it was literally that step by step. And so I discovered that that is how we get where we're going. This increment of small, determined moments. Alicia shares her wisdom on growth, gratitude, and the power of love. I forgive myself. It's okay. Like grace. Have grace with yourself.

You're trying your best and you're going to figure out the rhythm of this thing. Alicia Keys, like you've never heard her before. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts,

or wherever you get your podcasts. That's what my podcast Post Run High is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. You know that rush of endorphins you feel after a great workout? Well, that's when the real magic happens. So if you love hearing real, inspiring stories from the people you know, follow, and admire, join me every week for Post Run High. It's where we take the conversation beyond the run and get into the heart of it all. It's lighthearted, pretty crazy, and very fun.

Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. What's up, y'all? This is Questlove, and I'm here to tell you about a new podcast I've been working on with the Story Pirates and John Glickman called Historical Records. It's a family-friendly podcast. Yeah, you heard that right. A podcast for all ages. One you can listen to and enjoy with your kids starting on September 27th. I'm going to toss it over to the host of Historical Records, Nemany, to tell you all about it. Make sure you check it out. Hey, y'all. Nemany here. I'm the host of a brand new history podcast for kids and families called Historical Records.

Historical Records brings history to life through hip-hop. Each episode is about a different inspiring figure from history. Like this one about Claudette Colvin, a 15-year-old girl in Alabama who refused to give up her seat on the city bus nine whole months before Rosa Parks did the same thing. Check it. Get the kids in your life excited about history by tuning in to Historical Records, because in order to make history you have to make some noise. Listen to Historical Records on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts. Muhammad Ali, George Foreman, James Brown, B.B. King, Miriam Akiba. I shook up the world. James Brown said say it it loud. And Akiba said, I'm black and I'm proud. Black boxing stars and black music royalty together in the heart of Zaire,

Africa. Three days of music and then the boxing event. What was going on in the world at the time made this fight as important that anything else is going on on the planet. My grandfather laid on the ropes and let George Foreman basically just punch himself out. Welcome to Rumble, the story of a world in transformation. The 60s and prior to that, you couldn't call a person black. And how we arrived at this peak moment. I don't have to be what you want me to be. We all came from the continent of Africa. Listen to Rumble, Ali, Foreman, and the Soul of 74 on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Life is what you notice.

And that's exactly why I ask my clients so frequently in session to pay attention to signs of progress, success, and evidence of change. In every single day, there are brilliant things that happen and there are horrible things that happen. Most of us, we pay an over amount of attention on the things that go wrong. And then we're like, nothing is going well. And that's actually not true. It's just the things that went well, you didn't notice or give weight to. So part of effective therapy is to help people shift what they pay attention to.

I mean, probably the most important life lesson you could ever learn is no one's life is perfect. So if that's true, that means the happy people have a tendency to notice happy things and give weight to them. And unhappy people have a tendency to notice unhappy things and they don't notice the good things. So the most powerful thing I can say to somebody is, will you notice evidence of progress? Will you notice signs of goodness? Will you notice things happening in a way that you're pleased with? Because if you can shift what you notice, then you can shift the experience of your life very quickly, quickly, quickly. This is not just a podcast that I want you to consume and be entertained by.

I actually want you to be inspired. I want you to be impacted by this. And in fact, we can't help but be impacted by the content we consume. So what I would like for you to do is come on this healing journey with us. Come on this journey of change, rediscovery with us. And the way to do that is to just pay attention to the things going on in your life as a consequence of listening to this podcast. Pay attention to things in your life shifting in a more desirable way. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality. Pay attention to your desirable outcome becoming your reality.

Pay attention to evidence of your success, your resilience, and your strength. And let us know in the comments what you're noticing in your life as a result of listening to this podcast and as a result of paying attention to these things. I would love to hear from you about your healing journey, your family, and your feedback.

Leave a review, send a DM, connect with me on socials at Elliot Speaks. And you can also send me a text message to 972-426-2640. Family Therapy is a production of iHeartRadio and the Black Effect Podcast Network. Special thanks to our assistant, Glendale Sepe. It's produced by Jacquees Thomas and the executive producer Dolly S. Fisher. The content presented on the Family Therapy Podcast serves solely for educational and informational purposes. It should not be considered a replacement for personalized medical or mental health guidance and does not constitute a provider-patient

relationship. It is advisable to consult with your healthcare provider or health team for any specific concerns or questions you may have. Hey guys, I'm Kate Max. You might know me from my popular online series, The Running Interview Show, where I run with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and more. After those runs, the conversations keep going. That's what my podcast Post Run High is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. As a kid, I really do remember having these dreams and visions, but you just don't know what is going to come for you. Alicia shares her wisdom on growth, gratitude, and the power of love. I forgive myself. It's okay.

Have grace with yourself. You're trying your best and you're going to figure out the rhythm of this thing. Alicia Keys, like you've never heard her before. Listen to On Purpose with Jay Shetty on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Marie. And I'm Sydney. And we're mess.

Well, not a mess, but on our podcast called Mess, we celebrate all things messy. But the gag is, not everything is a mess. Sometimes it's just living. Yeah. Things like J-Lo on her third divorce. Living. Girl's trip to Miami.

Mess. Breaking up with your girlfriend while on Instagram Live. Living. It's kind of mess. Yeah. Well, you get it. Got it. Live, love, mess.

Listen to Mess with Sydney Washington and Marie Faustin on iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.