The Breakfast Club - INTERVIEW: Iyanla Vanzant Talks New Book 'Spiritual Hygiene', The Inside Fix, Leadership, Accountability + More

Episode Date: January 15, 2026

Today on The Breakfast Club, Iyanla Vanzant Talks New Book 'Spiritual Hygiene', The Inside Fix, Leadership, Accountability. Listen For More!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@BreakfastClubPower1051FMSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

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Sign up with promo code TBC and take your shot. The crown is yours. Day I wake up You're on finish or y'all done Morning everybody is DJ NVJ J.NV.

Jess hilarious Sholameen de Guy we are the Breakfast Club Lauren La Rosa is here as well and we got a special guest in the building

The legend Ayonla von Zahn Welcome back How are you? Hi How are you? I'm doing amazing Bless black and highly

favorite All of this young energy It just I'll take it I was born in 1978 If I'm young

Do you? Thank you Yeah I'll take it 78? I got a bra that I bought in 70. Ms. Montaigne, you never stopped working. No.

You hear today because you got a new show to Inside Fix, but you just put out a book Spiritual Hygiene in December. Why can't you ever keep still? Well, because I don't want to grow roots. I don't want to grow roots. You know, roots are not helpful. Yeah, it's good.

You know, don't we need it? Absolutely. We need the work. So we need the energy. so I'm out here I'm out here I could be on the pole but this is so much

more beneficial well I've seen the first episode hilarious so for people that don't know it's almost like where are they now where are we now not them yeah where yes

where are we now so break down the show that's yeah what I did was we went back into some of our highest rate of shows with the most memes look at them with the most I know

I'm a meme machine and we looked at those shows for issues that are going on today because the way we deal with stuff today is very different than we did 12 years ago 12 years ago these six women had a problem and they pulled their

their copy down off the internet today you know that would be IG, ITF, Facebook they would be cancelled and so how we deal with it today. But the issue of breakdown among women is just as prevalent today

as it was back then. So how do we deal with that? How do we address that? So that's what we're doing. We're going back into the shows and looking at how to take those issues and apply them. I love how you did it. Why did you find that more appealing than revisiting? I mean, why did you decide to revisit older stories instead of helping new families? Because I'm old. You see you. You're not

I'm old and seasoned. I'm old and seasoned. You know, because we just keep reinventing stuff. And we don't even really get all the juice out of what we got. We didn't get all the juice out of Fix My Life. That's why we can go back in and do it again today, the things that are applicable. Back then, I did shows with mothers and daughters. And now you have mothers divorcing or daughters divorcing mothers, children not speaking to parents.

That wasn't going on. back then. So yeah. And also to let people know that sometimes you don't even know what you're looking at. Oh. Yeah. Because people looked at that and got into the characters and the people, but they were looking at a whole other thing. Yeah. Just like in the world today. We don't really know what we're looking at. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Expound on that. We don't really know what we're looking at. You're trying to get me shot. Mm-mm. Do I look Somalian?

I don't want to do. Did you stop? I do wish DMX could have lived to be on this show. He wasn't ready. I think he was willing, but he wasn't ready. And you've got to be both. Can't be just ready and not willing or willing. He wasn't ready.

You also talk about lady balls. Lady balls. Does you just have lady balls? What? who yes okay now but we got to understand that lady balls and testicles are different

bring that down okay because testicles that's what I'm looking for thank you so much everything you see ain't what you see now the hair you see on testicles is real it's really there break down lady balls

before it just gets offended you see a lot of women because of the the way we are conditioned and programmed and educated, take on masculine qualities, you know, and they think it's powerful. But feminine power is very different than masculine power. Feminine power is assertive.

Masculine power is aggressive. Feminine power is directive. It's nurturing. It's nourishing. It's clear. And masculine power is often domineering and controlling and directive as opposed to collaborative. So lady balls, you know, a lot of women today want to be the boss and they want to be the diva

and have no leadership skills whatsoever. Lady balls are how a powerful woman lives in, moves in, stands in her power in a way that nurtures, nourishes, supports, heals, grows other people. It's not testicles. Testicles are aggressive. They've got hair and sometimes they smell. Don't ask me how I know. You know, it's interesting.

In one of the episodes, you point out that women don't know the distinction between assertiveness and aggression. How do you advise women to create a distinction between the two? Well, lead with your heart and not with your head. Lead with your heart. That's ladyballs. Ladyballs don't come from the country. crotch. They come from the heart. Did you come up with this term, Lady Bowles?

Did you come with, because watching the episode was the first time I heard. I said it for so long, but then when I went to try to trademark it, people have said that. But I spell mine differently, and nobody else has a deck of cards. My team created a deck of cards so you can pull your lady ball card. Oh, you said deck. I was like, what the hell is the dick of card?

Oh, my. I'm confused. Yes, because we're talking about balls. Mr. Willie doesn't have to show up. What do you What do you say to women who have like, because a lot of women shy away from leading with their heart because they're called to emotional or they're scared to be vulnerable and make decisions based off of emotion because they think that they're not thinking clearly, right? Why do you think the heart is about emotion? That's what most people would relate heartfelt decisions to when it comes to women.

Well, who men? Yes, men. Because most women are so far out of their heart. They don't even know what the heart does. Yes. The truth is that the mind was created to be a slave of the. heart, but we've made the heart a slave of the mind or the intellect. Heart centered is grounded, it's clarity, and again, nourishing, nurturing, edifying,

it's progressive. The heart is progressive. The mind gets stuck in the loop. That's why we have therapy. Don't nobody go to nothing to try to get their heart fixed. They try to fix their head. The heart doesn't get stuck in a loop. The heart remains open. because the heart is where God speaks. God doesn't speak in the intellect. God speaks in the heart. When did you realize how to best use your lady balls? Because I saw you talk about, you know, when you were raising your kids, you were being the father

and you weren't the mother, you weren't the most nurturing. So when did you realize how to lean into that? I think when I lost my first daughter and I had to raise her daughter. And I looked at all the mistakes I had made. and I didn't want to continue to be a father. So I got a chance to be a grandma doing a mom's job. So that was really, really helpful for me. The other thing is that, you know, I'm a student of a course of miracles.

And the course of miracles says, I must have decided wrongly because I am not at peace. So there comes a moment when we make a choice or a decision, but we wrestle with it. We're not at peace with it. it. And Lady Balls allows you to be assertive and clear, grounded, and peaceful. A lot of decisions I make with my head leave me in doubt and flux and craziness. But when I really do decide with my heart, and I'm at peace, that makes sense, right?

Absolutely. Yeah. So I think that's how I learned how to use Lady Ball's grandmothering. Do you give yourself grace, though, when you talk about it? Absolutely. I give myself a lot of grace. And when I say like I was a horrible mother, which I say in my book, or when I say I made a lot of mistakes with my son, with my children, it's from the learning, not from the condemnation. I don't judge it. You know, my kids chose me. I was just trying to get some nookie. They decided they wanted to be born. So here they come. Intruding in my nude and lascivious acts. activity. They chose me. So they came to learn too. So we're teaching each other.

Grace is very important. Even with your, because your new show is, you know, the inside fix, right? So you said you chose to go back and, you know, to previous cases, right? Do you feel at any time back then you got it wrong or you may have made a mistake?

Oh, no, absolutely not. Okay. Not there. You know why? I prayed about every show. And that work was my ministry. That was led by spirit. One of the reasons we're doing the inside fix is because back then I did the work.

Now I want people to do the work. Every single show comes with a worksheet. You ever had a television show give you homework? No. No. So that you can look at the show and say, where is this in my life? How do I do this? Where have I done this?

Where is this going on? Download the work. Free! Free! Don't we like free? Free worksheet. So I did the work then Now you do the work

I want to ask you a question about what you said about Women having Masculine qualities But no masculine qualities but no leadership Ability They want to be the boss and the diva But they don't have leadership Tendencies

Leadership training Leadership not even qualities Because you can have leadership qualities But you have to have a leader Has to have a heart We see what it looks like when a leader doesn't have a heart. Let me put my glasses on.

I don't look Somali. Is that something you can learn or is that something that has to be in you already? Well, I think that leaders are born, but they definitely have to be trained. Some people say leaders are trained. They're not born. I believe leaders are born. I agree. Some people just rise into it.

But there's certain qualities. and characteristics that an effective leader needs. And the one thing is a heart, a heart for people. Another thing is a vision. Leadership isn't just about ordering people around and telling them what to do. A leader has to have a vision. And then you get people to buy into the vision. And you lead them in that vision in a way that's whole and healthy for everybody.

I see that in corporate America all the time. A lot of people in leadership roles and leadership positions, but they're not actually leaders. No vision. They're controllers. They're demagogues. They're bullies. They're all sorts of things. And whenever money is the only thing that leads you, you're going to have a problem.

What would you say to somebody who was, like, say, in a workplace or in a relationship that wants that work relationship or real relationship to work, right? One of the exercises you did on the first episode, which was from, what, 2014, I love it, was you brought everybody to a department store and you made everybody shop for. each other. You buy this person an outfit. You buy this person an outfit. And then when you did, you said, well, why did you buy that person at? How do you look at them? So what would you advise for a couple or even somebody working to do to try to fix it because you can't be there? Or they can't afford you, I should say. Well, they can read my book because in spiritual hygiene, I have spiritual hygiene for relationships, spiritual hygiene for parenting, and spiritual hygiene for the workplace. Here's the thing in any relationship, three things. Number one, tell

the truth. One of the reasons our relationships are dying and drying up is because we lie about everything. We lie about what we feel. We lie about what we want. Sometimes it's not a conscious lie. It's a lie driven by fear. The fear of losing, the fear of being harmed

so we don't want to be vulnerable. But in order for anything to grow and thrive, you've got to have some truth. The other thing is accountability. All the stuff that we're not seeing in the world today. Tell it true, be accountable. Don't blame and project. Own your stuff.

Own it. And be accountable for every choice, every word, every action. And know what you're bringing to the table, particularly in the workplace. People go to work to make money. People go to work to, you know, very few people go to work to serve. So what are you bringing to the table? that you want something in return. Give me, give me, give me, give me, give me.

What are you bringing to the table? So I think that if we did that in relationships, if we did that in the workplace, we'd have a lot more respect and honor for, if I can't believe that your mother, your grandmother didn't die again for the third time. I used that one a lot. How are you going to look at me?

You know I use that one a lot. We work and have me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, because she only died once, but if I can say she'll die. That ain't a harm. You know, where can you look somebody in the face and believe that what they're telling you is the truth?

That they're not trying to take you down or get something from you. Can we stay? I want to stay here with the spiritual hygiene. First of all, I love the title of the book. What is spiritual hygiene and how do people tend to it? It's the daily, daily commitment and practice of clearing your mind, of cleaning your heart, of strengthening your spirit. It's not a one-time thing.

It's a practice. Your spirit has to be maintained like your teeth. You know what? People brush their teeth every day and go years without an examination of their own thoughts. They got fungus in their mind. Many people are emotionally constipated. Still mad about something that happened in 56. How do you clean that up?

You brush your hair. You wash your hoo-ha. you know, but you don't clean your spirit, your heart, your mind. So spiritual hygiene is the daily practice of clearing your mind, your heart, your soul, your inner life so that your outer life can have a different appearance. So what about the people who pray, they go to therapy, they meditate, they sage, but they still stay toxic? Like, what are they skipping in the hygiene process?

What is the prayer? Most people beg, they don't pray. You know, and all of that is good, but what's your relationship? What is your relationship with God source, create a spirit of your understanding? What is your relationship? God doesn't want your, you know, tides and service only. What is the relationship? And most people, many people, I won't say most.

I'll say many, many people learn the function and the doing of the prayer, but they don't. have the presence in the prayer. They don't have the relationship with the very thing they're praying too. Why, I didn't. I grew up in the church. You know, I'll tell you a real funny story. They were trying to baptize me. I must have been five or six.

In the apostolic church, you know, that's a sin. Yes, ma'am. Rolling your lip is a sin. Anyway, they're getting ready to baptize me, and, you know, they dunk you down in water and stuff. and they say to me, will you take, do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior? Now this is way back when, that's how old I am, when Jesus was still on the cross with the little droplets of blood on his hands, I, me, the brilliant child, I look up and I say,

who him? He can't help me. Oh, my God. You know I got beat into tomorrow, you know that, right? I said, who him? He can't help me because. Because. You know, he's down off the cross now. You don't see him.

But we were fed religion. We were told what to do. We weren't taught to build a relationship. And it took me a long time to know that it wasn't about the doing of it. It was about the being in relationship in the presence, being present in the prayer, being still and knowing. When did you learn to pray and not beg? When the begging wasn't working. I just got tired of begging.

And then I said, okay, what am I doing wrong? I'm begging and you're not paying attention. And this is not the way of God is supposed to respond. When I learned two things, how to be still and how to know, how to be still within my mind, my heart, spiritual hygiene, and how to know when I was in the presence. Not when I was reaching out, but when I was turning in.

And that was it for me. Instead of going out, go in. What are some of the preventative measures that you take so you can actually grow up with these things, like good spiritual hygiene? Because a lot of people would agree that bad spiritual, virtual hygiene is everywhere. Everywhere.

Everywhere. But if people knew how to, you know... Simple, simple, simple. You know what I'm saying? Like how... Seven minutes, three times a day for 21 consecutive days. Shut your mouth, turn off everything, be still. Seven minutes, three times a day for 21 days.

Do you know many people would rather lose their front teeth than to shut their mouth and get off the phone? That's right. Just to be still because even a stillness stillness. everything's going to rise to the surface. You can journal it out, you can speak it out. You just become aware of it because the first step, the first foundational principle of spiritual hygiene is self-awareness. People don't know that their armpits think.

They don't know that they talk too loud. They don't know that, you know, people don't know nothing about themselves because they're looking for everybody else to tell them. Self-awareness. Start there. Seven minutes, three times a day. every day for 21 consecutive days. It'll take you somewhere.

Why do you think people are more committed to physical hygiene and the spiritual hygiene? Because the spirit controls everything. Well, yeah, but again, most of us were religiousized. We weren't spiritualized. And so we want to intellectualize the spirit as opposed to spiritualize and the intellect. To go in there and get that up.

And so we don't, like everything else we're taught, it's a doing. We know how to do spiritual things. Do we know how to be in the presence of spirit? You know how to do that? And that's frightening. And the thing that frightens us more than anything else, I think, in my years of working with people, is their own spiritual power, that I amness. you know, we are an eachness and the allness of God.

And that eichness is powerful. And people are so convinced that they're unworthy and less than. Till they have a difficult time embracing and stepping into the power and the greatness. I wonder why. My daughter asked me that. My daughter said to me, my daughter said, Daddy, why do we pray? But we don't go to church. And I said because we are of spirits.

Like we believe in spirit. Sorry, sorry. I said, we believe in spirit, not religion. Like, you know, going to church to me as a religious practice, but we are people that believe in the spirit. But can I ask you a question? Is it, are you open to another possibility? Absolutely. Praying is going to church.

Praying is going to church. You're going in. The temple. No, you're not that you are a temple. That you are the temple of God. So praying is going to church. Tell her that next time. I will.

This is church, baby. Absolutely. I want to ask about self-sabotage. Well, that's about self-sabotism. You say what? I'm grandmothering now. I'm raising my great-grandson. That's why I look so young and fabulous.

That's right. And we pray at night before we go to bed. So one day he said, yeah, yay, that's what he calls me, yeah, yeah. Exactly who is it that I'm praying to? And I said, your higher self. Your I am, that. That thing that people call God. But it's not out there. It's in here. He said, where? Where is it? I said, it's in your heart. It's in your soul. It's in your DNA. It's in your bone marrow.

Yes, man. So, you know, that's how I'm teaching him. Nobody taught me that. They taught me the guy up on the cross with the little droplets of blood. And that when I said to them, you know, him, he can't help me. How's he going to help me? And I got beat. Oh, that was, I just remember. I'm being traumatized right now. I'm having a trauma memory. But in moments like that, right, with your great-grandson? Because then he'll grow up, he'll go through life. But you talk about in your book, even like ancestral trauma, being a part of things that you've got to like cleanse from. When you're young, you don't even know what you're feeling.

Even sometimes when you're grown, if you don't have certain experiences or pay attention. So how do you keep cleansing your spirit or yourself? because at each level of life, things hit you different. Well, he is emotionally literate. He will be an emotionally literate black man because I recognized I was raising somebody's father and somebody's husband.

I wanted him to be emotionally literate. I wasn't raised that way. So he knows the distinction between frustration and anxiety. He knows when he's sad, he knows when he's happy. He knows when he's frustrated. Why? Because I taught him how to do that. most of us are, many adults, are emotionally illiterate. We know happy, sad, good, bad, right, wrong.

We don't know frustration, disappointment, exhilaration, bliss. Some of us don't even know peace or joy. So it's up to you. Do your work. That's your spiritual hygiene. In those seven minutes, three times a day for 21 consecutive days, call forth joy what does joy feel like in my body what does peace feel like in my body what does where in my body is disappointing the body is a living organism talk to it it will respond yeah I want to ask you know

in this generation sometimes I feel like which which one because I spend many this generation I would say from, I would say maybe from 10 to 25. Let's talk there. Okay. I feel like sometimes talking hard to them, it's, they don't understand it nor do they get it, right? It feels they feel a lot differently. When I see

some of your past shows and your, your new shows, you talk hard to people. You talk real to people. Do you feel like the new generation is too emotional or too soft when it comes to seeing things at face value? I think you got us in there too. The people in their 30s too.

I think you get out of it. Well, you know what? Because nobody told them the truth. They talked at him, not with them. Talk with somebody. The greatest gift we have is a conversation. Most people don't know how to have one. But when you're going into somebody telling them what they did wrong,

what's wrong with them, asking them why they do that, come here, baby, come here, sit right here. Put that down. Stop it. You know? Be present. One of the reason the young people today, and I would say 10 and up, are so emotionally disconnected, is because nobody's present with them. They sit in the back of the car on a device looking at the back of someone's head who's on a device.

Many of them don't eat at a table. They don't know how to set a table. They eat out of a styrofoam box on their lap or in a car. So some of the things that kept us grounded and human and connected, we've given them up. You know, a lot of them can't cook. I met a 23-year-old who can't cook. I said, well, how do you eat? Uber eats?

That is not a recipe. Right. But it's like the not on my watch, you'd be in human resources. Not on my watch. You're a teacher. You'd be at the principal's office. But those are the things that my teachers said. I wouldn't do that to a 10-year-old.

I wouldn't do that to the tenure. I did that to those disrespectful women because those were my lady balls. Let me set this standard right here. Not on my watch. People say that. They don't say the next part. Will you disrespect another woman?

They don't say that part. They just get on the knot on my wife. Am I putting all these little greasy finger? That's okay. We wipe it down. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it. I just the way the table set up. I just see him growing and spreading them. Okay, all right. That's your fingerprints. We don't want to use your lady. Don't worry about it.

I don't even worry about it. They're not Somalian. Yeah. They're going to be like, she was saying right there. But we, I wouldn't talk to them like that. You know, those women were conscious and intentional in their maliciousness. And I was not going to accommodate. it. Sometimes you have to tell the truth in this way and sometimes it has to be cold water

in your face. Sometimes it just has to be. Who holds you accountable when your, when your hygiene is off? When your spiritual hygiene is off. I have a whole team of people. They tell you when you think, oh, hell yeah. This is how they say it. Mama, I don't mean no harm. Or what I've taught them to do is to ask me for a hall pass because I'm the elder in the circle. You know, I have a whole school. I have a whole school. I have students. I have graduates. I have ministers, coaches. And so I say, listen, don't let

me die. If you see me running out in traffic with, you know, toilet paper on my shoe, don't let me die. Tell me the truth. So they'll ask me for a hall pass. You know, in a hall pass,

you could go anywhere, right? They said, Mama, I need a hall pass. I thought, okay, let me get the brown liquor. And then we'll get it. And then they'll tell me the truth. And because they love me, I can hear it. And it's nothing worse than to treat somebody how to be. And then they correct you when you ain't being that way. I love it.

How do we tell the difference between protecting our peace and avoiding accountability? Ah, good question. Yeah. integrity to tell the truth about it. Tell the truth because you know when you're avoiding or you know when you're afraid or you know when you're denying or projecting. You know, you know. I don't have to ask you, you know, tell the truth about it.

And protecting your peace or creating a boundary looks and feels very different than erecting a wall. And sometimes people erect walls and call it a boundary. No, no. A boundary is built to keep you safe as you let other people in. If your wall is up, you're holding people out. You can create a boundary. This is what I need you to do because I want to be peaceful in our connection.

That's a boundary. Or this is what I'm going to ask you not to do so we can be peaceful in our connection. That's a boundary. No, you can't come up in here with that. That's a wall. That's a wall. I saw you just sit down with Oprah and you talked about your decision not to go to your daughter's funeral. Yeah.

You kind of put up your boundaries just because of some of the things that was happening within your family. Well, not in the family with one particular grandson, her youngest son, who was just out of his mind. And I know it was grief. But I wasn't going to put myself in jeopardy. I wasn't going to give him the opportunity to do. disrespect his mother by disrespecting her mother. And I didn't know what he might do. But I was a trigger for him.

I knew I was a trigger for him. And I had to tell the truth about that. How difficult was that for you? Well, once I made the decision because I made it from a place of love and care, I was okay with it. So I didn't have to go to the funeral. I went the day before. And I had my own thing with her.

She was still going to be dead the next day. I didn't have to be there. You understand? The things that we do out of tradition, out of habit that we don't even want to do. I'm not doing that. I'm too old. And I don't have wrinkles yet.

So I don't want wrinkles. I don't do funerals either. You know what I mean? For the same reason that you just said, right? Like I want to remember the person the last time I saw them. I don't want to remember them in the casket. Do you feel like funerals are necessary for the grieving process? Every January, we're encouraged to start over.

But what if this year is about slowing down and learning how to understand ourselves more deeply? What if this year is about giving ourselves permission to feel what we've been holding and knowing that it's okay to ask for help? I'm Mike Delocho, host of Sacred Lessons. This is a podcast for men navigating stress, emotional health, fatherhood, identity, and the unspoken pressures were taught to carry. alone. We talk honestly about mental health, about healing generational wounds, and about learning how to show up with more presence and care. If you want a healthier relationship with yourself

and the people you love, then Sacred Lessons is the podcast for you. Listen to Sacred Lessons with Mike Dolorotcha on America's number one podcast network, IHeart. Follow Sacred Lessons with Mike Delarocha and start listening on the free IHeart Radio app today. A decade ago, I was on the trail of one of the country's most elusive serial killers, but it wasn't until 2023 when he was finally caught. The answers were there, hidden in plain sight. So why did it take so long to catch him? I'm Josh Zeman, and this is Monster, hunting the Long Island serial killer,

the investigation into the most notorious killer in New York, since the son of Sam, available now. Listen for free on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, wherever you get your podcasts. Hi, I'm Dr. Priyanko Wally. And I'm Hurricane de Volo. It's a new year. And on the podcast, health stuff, we're resetting the way we talk about our health. Which means being honest about what we know, what we don't know, and how messy it can all be.

I like to sleep in late and sleep early. Is there a chronotype for that or am I just depressed? We talk to experts who share real experiences and insight. You just really need to find where it is that you can have an impact in your own life and to start doing that. We break down the topics you want to know more about. Sleep, stress, mental health, and how the world around us affects our overall health. We talk about all the ways to keep your body in mind, inside and out, healthy. We human beings, all we want is connection.

We just want to connect with each other. Health stuff is about learning, laughing, and feeling a little less alone. Listen on the Iheart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey there, this is Dr. Jesse Mills, director of the men's clinic at UCLA Health and host of the mailroom podcast. Each January guys everywhere make the same resolutions. Get stronger, work harder, fix, what's broken? But what if the real work isn't physical at all? To kick off the new year, I sat down with Dr. Steve Polter, a psychologist with over 30 years' experience,

helping men unpack shame, anxiety, and emotional pain they were never taught the name. In a powerful two-part conversation, we discuss why men aren't. aren't emotionally bulletproof, why shame hides in plain sight, and how real strength comes from listening to yourself and to others. Guys who are toxic, they're immature, or they've got something they just haven't resolved. Once that gets resolved, then there comes empathy as in compassion. If you want this to be the year you stop powering through pain and start understanding what's underneath, listen to the mailroom on the iHeart radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get

your favorite shows. If we as people of color, we're doing our traditional burial rights, oh yes, I think it's very necessary to lay that spirit to rest, to make sure that we're lifting that spirit and light. That's a very different thing. Burial rights are very different than a funeral. Can I tell you something? This is going to sound totally disgusting, but I'm going to say it, okay? I bought my casket. My casket is bought.

not on layaway. You got to have you on layaway. Come on now. Not on Layaway, not that I'm paying it off. But it's bought. Let me tell you why. I bought mine too. I bought mine too.

Me and my wife, we bought ours. You bought it on? And was it like $2,700, $2,800? There's more than that. But yeah, I did. But the reason I did because I didn't want that, I didn't, that's one thing I didn't want my kids to have to worry about what I think about. I didn't either.

And also, when I had to bury my daughter and they charged me $10,000 for a casket. And I discovered that from the manufacturer, it was $2,300. I said, let me go down here and get me a casket. So I went down and bought my casket and paid for it. Exactly what I want. And when I'm not here anymore, all they have to do is call. They'll deliver it in 24 hours.

Yeah, I got it in my stint will to get cremated. He cremated and throw my ashes somewhere. Because you got to think about it in a hundred years, our tombstones aren't even going to be around. That is so on brand for you. Yeah. I can understand that. particularly want to be cremated.

How did your family feel about that? Like your wife and your kids? We're interviewing Ayana. My thing is, like, if you buy a casket too early, right? And then, you know, what if you're skinny when you buy it, then you die big. It's like, damn, you still have to pay for them to upgrade it. No, you then just take a little of the padding out. Oh, okay.

You got one size. But I want to go back to you with this funeral because the funeral is, it really should be a celebration of of life. And it's turned into this whole money-making thing. And it's a, the hole in the ground is $1,500 or more now. So what I say is if we're going to celebrate the person's life and if we're going to do the rights. For example, in my lineage and my tradition as a Yoraba, we, once the person makes transition, we do a nine-day prayer process, a 40-day prayer process, and then a one-year prayer process to make sure that spirit is lifted and elevate. As a as a Tuslakee Cherokee or I walk in the nation of the Lakota people, they plan

their funeral and they are cremated. Many of them, they don't go on the ground, they go back to the earth and they're singing and dance. There's a whole celebration that doesn't have, and we do have food because I will say that funeral chicken is some of the best chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who cooks that? That repels?

food. Yeah, that repath food. And the potato salad and macaroni salad. The repath food ain't no joke. It really isn't. And so if we're going to do that, then let's do that. But just to sit around and weep and, you know, make ourselves crazy and so many people get stuck in the morning, bad spiritual hygiene. Grieving is natural.

And I talk about grieving as a teacher and an initiation in the book. Morning is bad spiritual hygiene. Morning says that there's regret, there's remorse, that mourning is a process of, because this happened or I lost this or this person isn't here, this part of me can no longer go on. Like when I lost my first daughter, I lost my mind, but with my second daughter, I didn't have the same feeling, heaviness, and I didn't have that.

Because I knew it was coming and I was prepared for it. And I can remember the days when I felt bad about feeling good. People think because someone dies, you got to feel bad. And I would catch myself feeling bad about feeling good. Bad spiritual hygiene. That's mourning. Feeling bad and believing that your life can't go on or you have resentment or you can't. or remorse or because this happened

you can't do that or you should have done this that's mourning. But isn't that part of the grief process though? It is a part of the process but it happens organically and it passes. It takes different amount of time for everybody but when you're, I'll never love again, my life is over

I'm going out and eat some worms that's mourning. That's a different thing. You talk about unresolved grief living in the body the same way bacteria lives in the mouth. What's the daily practice to clean it up? acknowledge you acknowledge it

you know when you feel it ask and again building that relationship with the body part of spiritual hygiene is somatic you know like we have a body there's a distinction between the physical body

and the somatic body the somatic body is the energy and the feeling in the body so we'll walk around and we know we have a physical body oh this pain that leg this that But what is the feeling in there? Okay, your knee is hurting.

Okay, what's happening, knee? What are you doing here? So part of grief has to be somatic. And people will grieve and get in the bed and stay there. You can be in the bed, but then get up and stretch. Get up and move. Where is the grief in your body? You know, the grief for my babies, my daughters, it's in my heart.

and where it used to be in the center now it's just around the edges and sometimes it comes up my oldest daughter died on Christmas Day so I've turned Christmas into a whole thing it was her favorite holiday so Christmas for me is not a day of morning it's all we haven't for I will have a tree

if I got to go out and cut it down myself you know because that grief is there but it's there in celebration not in mourning and remorse So get in the body. Everybody has grief about loss of something. Something didn't go right. But are you in relationship with it?

Where is it? So it'll show up and then you'll be cussing out the Uber driver. No, that may be grief that was unexpressed. And it's in the body. Get in there and find out where it is. Have you ever had a case right where you say, these people won't need more to me. I don't think I can't.

You know what I'm saying? Like after you've helped them, like, and they went on, did you ever say, like, I need to check upon these people? Or maybe they need something far beyond what I can do. Like, you have a... Me, my own self.

No, I'm sorry. See, it's hard to answer that question because I don't have cases. Hmm. I have assignments. Gotcha. The assignment that would have been too great You ever said you know what you need an exorcist

You need Jesus It has felt that way And then when I get still and go within And get the same guidance that sent the people to me Is the guidance I get to find out what to do It always works out Because I'm not attached to the outcome I'm really not

I'm really not attached to the outcome I'm sending to do what I do And I do what I do What you do with it is your business You know, you've seen the show There were some people who fought me all the way The poor little child that ran out and left And didn't, you know, she wanted to beat me up

She told me she was going to cut me And I was like, and my son was there And he would have cut her And that would have just been the whole thing So I figured to just let her go I've had guests walk out Althea from Love and Hip Hop She left

I had another couple They said they didn't trust me I left you don't trust me I'm out There's nothing we're going to do here I'm not attached to the outcome I'm attached to the process I think I think your work has gotten us

Attached to the outcome Because so far too many times I've seen and that's also why I love Watching a show as well because I really love your book A person Oh, let me stand in a I'm shopping. I'm shopping.

Just in the middle. Is this lovely voucher not covered? That's my lady boy. You always have ADHD. Wow. Wow. It did developments. I got all the number of times I went upstairs

and forgot what I was doing. And I did, yeah, that's ADHD. I'm sorry. It's the color too. The color got you. She didn't went left right up down. That's all right. But the reason why I asked that is because Kevin McCall, I was watching that that that's something that I remembered.

And I had no idea that he had, oh, we saw, all we see is Kevin's antics, then and now. Right. But I had no idea that it was attached to his upbringing. You know, you had, you had got him to reveal some things about his upbringing that his mom. She wasn't the best mom and how she was there not trying to take accountability either. And that's why. And when he'll go dormant for a while, then it'll come back. And it's more antics.

And that made me think of. I'm like, damn, well, I need to call a young lady to see if she can talk to him again. You know what I mean? Like, that's why I asked you, do you ever, after helping somebody say, look, they need something far more than me? Or do you, are you attached to the outcome? I'm not. And he got what he came to get. It's up to him to use it.

That's his spiritual hygiene. Like you go to the dentist, they fill your cavity. But if you now then go eat 55 pounds of gummy bears. Or when you have a temporary filling and you're trying to, you know, eat popcorn, that's a problem. So in the same way with God's source creator, he can only do so much. She, he, it can only do so much. And then the rest of it is on us. That's why it's the inside fix.

We could only do so much. Kevin got, and every single one of my guests that was on that show, you know, I'm so grateful to them. Because the show really wasn't for them. the show was for the viewers and I told them that I would tell them that I want to be real clear this ain't even about you you were chosen

blessed guided to be a demonstration and how you show up it's not only going to help you it's going to help the viewers we told the viewers that I remember you did the you had the really big daddyless daughter segments that you would do

and you would talk about the uns like the things that they need to like or the words they need to know like daddy's gone and just the reality of like like moving forward from and I remember that. You're not triggered right now, right? No, I'm not triggered, but I used to watch. I used to watch the show because me and my dad at that time, it was like early on in us trying to figure out, okay, he's new back into my life.

How do I feel? Do I have questions? And I got to a point where I was like, all right, you weren't here. Here's where my life is. Like, I don't want to be a victim or like a product of that. She was daddy listening. I just said that stupid. I just want to make sure she understands.

But your series, your series helped me, though, because my mom was one of the people that was like very like, she was. She just acted like it didn't happen. You were, you acknowledged that it happened, but you didn't let people live in it. So it helped me to realize like, okay, what are we going to do here? Like, what are we going to do with the relationship or what are we going to do with yourself and how you feel about that? And if it's not accepted from him or responded to him the way you want, you just, you can only control yourself. Yeah.

Because you get to choose. And he gets to choose. And sometimes the shame of it, the guilt of it, a lot of dads, moms, people can't show up. husbands who cheat come back and they can never get it together or wives. Because did you know wives were cheating? Yes. Black men don't cheat, but boy. What?

Black women? You don't. Your nose is growing. Let me move. Exactly. Yeah. But, you know, my hope, my prayer, and I appreciate so many people are so excited about the show, about the book. And may my legacy be, if nothing else, that I gave people skills and tools to take responsibility for themselves.

Because the world we're in right now, the mess that we're in, is because we were anticipating somebody else doing for us what we needed to do for ourselves. And so we got to do the work. You have to do your work. Accountability is a hard concept for a lot of people to grasp, Ms. Vonzine. Awareness, accountability, and integrity. Integrity, where your mind, your heart, and what you do are all aligned. Very often people think one thing, feel something, and do something else. Get an integrity, line it up, and be willing to piss people off to maintain your own integrity. Honor yourself

Don't dim your light Don't set yourself on fire To keep other people warm Don't dim your light like that Take responsibility And just embrace everybody in the process I've got a couple more questions You always say healing isn't pretty

Why do people romanticize spirituality But reject the mess that's required To actually evolve intellectualizing the spirit. Like people think spiritual, people shouldn't get angry. I'm from Brooklyn. I don't get angry. I get pissed the F off and I'm coming for you.

Now, okay, all right? You know what I'm talking about? I grew up with the bodega on the corner. Okay? So I just don't do that. I'm responsible for myself when I do it, if I do it. And I don't stay stuck there. And that's not going to become an identity for me.

Let me see you abuse a child. I'm coming for you. All guns drawn, cussing like a sailor, and hit you in your head, punch you right in your throat. Okay. Disrespect a woman in my presence. I'm coming for you, you know? So even though I'm a deeply spiritual person,

there's sometimes when you have to, again, throw cold water in somebody's face. but people want to intellectualize spirituality. Oh, you have to be kind and loving. Yes, you do. But sometimes you are human and it's okay. In terms of it being healing, not being pretty, it's because most of us are not aware of the depth of healing that is required.

We're not aware. We think it's just if he would behave or if they would come back or if they would say I'm sorry that it would be okay. It's so much deeper than that. So much deeper. And most people are afraid to go in. And when I say most people, I'm not generalizing. I'm speaking about in terms of the years that I've been doing this work and what I've seen, what I've seen.

Don't want to go within. Don't want to look at within. Don't want to do the spiritual hygiene. No, no, no. Is there a difference between being spiritually clean and being spiritually, sterile. And what I mean by that, can we ever over sanitize ourselves out of just human connection?

Now, that I don't know. Spiritually clean, you're still among everybody. If you're not connected, then you're not spiritual at all. Because the deepest part of spirituality is connection.

So I don't know about spiritually sterile. Let me write that down. Because you know I'll forget. The only reason I was like, some people try to, like you said, they try to set so many boundaries and they intellectualize spirituality to think that they got to be away from people and be apart from people. To me, that's not. But some of them do. I mean, look at the monks. Some of them, that's their mission. That's their ministry. That's what they do. They go out there. I'm not, I'm not on that committee. I'm not on

that committee. I'm on the people committee. But spiritually sterile, I don't know. That's a good, thank you for that. That'll be my next book. I love spiritual hygiene, man, because there's a rapper named DG Eola. He had a song. I call it a Negro spiritual call, Ain't gonna let up. And in the song, he said,

nigger, get yourself together, go get your brain a bath, go to church, start listening, get on the right path. And that's what spiritual hygiene is. Clean up your spiritual hygiene. And I, you know, I'm really, for me, the greatest thing was

to see how far I've come. because I wasn't spiritually clean. I wasn't. And to see how far I've come and look at the experiences that I've had, the divorce, the death of my partner, my losing two daughters, you know, all of it, all of it. And to see how far I've come, you know, you can't fall off the floor. So I was on the floor. So to see how far I've come from how far down I was, it's humbling.

It's really humbling because millions didn't make it. How did all that death make you question your own mortality? Well, I've decided I'm going to stay here until I'm 102, and I'll still be walking in my low heels. See, I got on low heels now. Because I do believe we get to choose. I really do. I said 101.

Yeah, I'm going to do 102, and I'm going to go to bed, and I'm just not going to wake up. I just have to remember to put on panties. I don't want, like, my son to come in and find my, see my hoo-ha. I have to remember to put on panties. Jesus. Because I think that would kill him if he saw his mother's right. Oh, my mama, hoo-ha. hanging out. So I just have to remember.

I'm just going to go to sleep. I'm not doing the suffering and the sickness. Like, you know, when I, I step on to my regular physical doctor. I have other doctors that I go to. Because at my age, they want something to be wrong with me. I don't take a pill for nothing.

I don't have high blood pressure. I don't have the conchus, the bonkis, the husafada nada. I don't know what none of that is. You know? What? My blood pressure is normal.

You know, I don't have any of it. That's not real, Rick. I'm about to text my doctor like, you're not going to be able to get your doctor, please. And so they don't believe me. So the only thing they could think to tell me was where you are obese. They told you that you're not obese. You're 20 pounds over what the white boy said I'm supposed to be.

But you know, my butt is the size of white boy. want for my whole body to be so I'm not worried about that. They pay for what you got nowadays. Okay. But so I just not going to do all of that sickness stuff and I'm not going to live up to the

standards that they set for me. Like they wanted to do these weird things to me and I said, well why are we doing that? They said because people your age and I don't have nothing to do with me. I don't have anything do with me. I'm not doing that you are not sticking that up there now. Not doing that.

Colanoscopy. me? No, I've done no. Okay. Yeah, because my daughter died of colon cancer. So I take, but other things. Other things. Oh, no, I'm not doing that. And this queen is 72, by the way. For anybody out there wondering. That's right. But I have a relationship with my body. Yeah. And, you know, God is so merciful because I'm a Virgo, I'm a hypochondriac. Me too. You two? Both. Every little thing. You know, a headache is a brain tube. Oh, my. God. I can see somebody else.

Somebody died from aneur? I was going to check right now. So we go back and go. So we go back and be like, hey, I got to go to doctor. I'm like, I got to go to doctor. I called him this week. I said, hey, I just got scared from head to toe.

I said, the doctor doing brain aneurysm scans and everything. And I set my appointment. Right? So you understand what I'm saying. Absolutely. So God doesn't give me any of that because I would survive. I would live in the doctor's. I'd have a box in the corner by the stove in the doctor's office.

So I don't have that. But, you know, people want you to line up with what they think you should be what you, even as a spiritual person, you know, for years. And I say this, I've been doing this work since 1988, okay, for years. I was a demon. I was all sorts of things. They would not let me in a pulpit in the church. And then when my book started selling and people would come and the offering plate would be bigger than I became welcome. Why? Because I didn't do it. the way they did it.

But that's not how God told me to do. I don't have to answer to you. When I get wherever I'm going, if I have to answer to anybody, it won't be you. That's really. So I had to follow my purpose, my mission, my life.

Have you been able to find that love that works for you? I remember in the early episode of Aiala Fix My Life, you were saying you stayed with a man for 14 years, but then you left them because you didn't want to have to teach. 13, I'm sorry. teach somebody how to love you.

Right. Well, because I, right after that, I left that relationship, he passed. And right after that, I got my great-grandson. So I've been grandmothering him now, and I want to be fully present for him. Gotcha. This is a kid who doesn't have his mom or his dad. His grandmother, my daughter was raising him. She's gone.

So now he's with me. And so I made a conscious choice right now I don't know to say that's my man Because I don't know But he has my heart Because the three hearts that were closest to him He lost I don't want him to have to compete for my heart

So right now he's my focus He's eight now So I you know hopefully everything will still be working And in order Yes man Yes man By the time he's 10, and then, you know, because even to date, I don't want to bring, because people coming in a heart out of his life has a totally different meaning.

His mom's gone. His dad's gone. His grandma's gone. So I'm dating somebody for three months and then they're gone. What does that do to him? So I'm consciously parenting in a way that I didn't do with my kids. So I'm, but girl, I got some eye candy out there. So you're going to be more to get that because a lot of people be.

exhausted by outside the streets be exhausting some people. Huh? A lot of people will be exhausted by the dating life right now. You're looking forward to getting back. But see, I'm going to create what I want and call him in. I know what he looks like. I'm not doing this, you know, on the line speed dating kind of stuff. I'm going to sit right in my home and I'm going to let my lady boss hang out.

And I'm going to meditate and call him in and he's going to show up. What about them spiritually transmitted diseases though? spiritually transmitted you guys trying to get some pee-p and then he doesn't put all his negative spiritual high oh no no no no no he no he can't because my qualifications are what I desire in a partner number one I want to make sure he has a good relationship with his mother and his children that's number one because if you can't be in relationship with your mama yamla means great mother I don't have a chance in hell That's right.

Okay. You got to be in relationship with your mom. You've got to be in relationship with your kids. And I don't care how old he is, although I'm going younger. I got to go a little younger. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Try to get that age.

No, you don't want to match your energy. Right. And also because my experience is a lot of brothers in my age category. Have ED? Okay. Yeah, I can't do the blue field thing. It's an OG out there right now. I'll put that blue chew on you right now.

No, you will not. Take your blue chew down in the basement Get out of here I am not on the blue choo committee What a agent is Yeah I do know what What's your name? What age is going to be like 50?

Oh no Oh girl that's robbery Oh okay My son is 55 I just was asking I think For 70 I can do 68.

You know what I said? Could he have babysat my son? See, if he's 68, he would have been 13. He could have watched my 10-year-old. That's how I'm doing that. Is that good? That's a good man. Yes, man.

What of them young boys are going to put it on you? Listen, I had one roll up on me in the gas station. And I was so out of it, I didn't. And when I reckon, I said, are you hitting on me? He said, yes, ma'am, I am. I said, how old are you? He said, 37.

I said, boy, please, I got bras older than you. He said, I would like to see it. Damn. So did you get a number or not? Did you get his number or not? I couldn't stop laughing. Oh, yes, he said, I would love to see it. Yeah, boy, you wouldn't even recognize it.

You wouldn't even know what it was. But, yeah. we love you man and we value you and we appreciate you just thank you man I'm glad that God created you thank you and I'm glad you're here

and I'm really really happy about you going to Netflix right of this year yes well I should have waited oh you go to Netflix January 26 I'm going to the MGM theater in

and my first public appearance in Ooh, since 2019. What's that? I'm at the MGM Theater in D.C. On January 25th. National Harbor.

The first of 2019? Yeah. Wow. That's amazing. Congratulations. How can they get tickets? Go to the MGM theater thing there. I'm so excited.

MGM Theater thing. That's right. You took a break to grieve? No, I just, you know, was COVID. Okay. And then I wasn't on the show. show and then I was grandmothering and then I just you know I've done little things here and there but me on the stage doing I'm yeah oh I haven't done that since 2019 get your tickets also the inside

fix premieres on the 17th of this month and thank you for joining us thank you for having me I really was a lot of fun and I can I say this too yes first of all you are absolutely gorgeous thank you know that right yes man don't let charlemagne tell you anything okay okay yes can you tell the Lauren too. Well she knows she's the baby girl. She just a beauty little funk in her face. I'm going to tell her that's what I was the part I meant. Don't bother. Don't bother. I don't bother. Yes he does. I'd be trying to get her to get her spiritual hygiene clean. Calm. I mean get

And it's the MGM National Harbor website. Yes. You can go. And let me say this. I am so proud of you. Thank you. Really. As an OG, I am so proud of you. And the way that you present, I mean, sometimes you all do a little controversial, but that's okay. I'm OG, but I can do this. Yeah, you're like that. My little ones keep me up today.

Continue to represent yourselves and us in this really powerful, productive way. I was so excited when I heard about Netflix. Yes. Good. So just continue to do it. Okay. All right. Thank you. Thank you. It's the breakfast club.

Good morning. Yes. Every day I wake up. Wake your ass up. The breakfast club. Do you all finish or y'all? Hi, I'm Dr. Priyanko Wally. And I'm Hurricane de Bolo.

It's a new year. And on the podcast, health stuff, we're resetting the way we talk about our health. Which means being honest about what we know, what we don't know, and how messy it can all be. I like to sleep in late and sleep early. is there a chronotype for that or am I just depressed? Health stuff is about learning, laughing, and feeling a little less alone. Listen on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. A new year doesn't ask us to become someone new.

It invites us back home to ourselves. I'm Mike Delarocha, a host of sacred lessons, a space for men to pause, reflect, and heal. This year, we're talking honestly about mental health, relationships, and the pattern were ready to release. If you're looking for clarity, connection, and healthier ways to show up in your life, sacred lessons is here for you.

Listen to Sacred Lessons with Mike Delaroach on the IHart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast. This is Dr. Jesse Mills, host of the Mailroom podcast. Each January, men promise to get stronger, work harder, and fix what's broken? But what if the real work isn't physical at all?

I sat down with psychologist, Dr. Steve Poulter, to unpack shame, anxiety, and the emotional pain men were never taught how to name. Part of the way through the Valley of Despair is realizing this has happened and you have to make a choice whether you're going to stay in it or move forward. Our two-part conversation is available now.

Listen to the mailroom on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your favorite shows. A decade ago, I was on the trail of one of the country's most elusive serial killers, but it wasn't until 2023 when he was finally caught. The answers were there, hidden in plain sight. So why did it take so long to catch him? I'm Josh Zeman, and this is Monster,

hunting the Long Island serial killer, the investigation into the most notorious killer in New York, since the son of Sam, available now. Listen for free on the IHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, wherever you get your podcasts. This is an IHeart podcast, Guaranteed Human.