The Breakfast Club - INTERVIEW: Keri Hilson On Returning To The Spotlight, Public Relationships, Beyoncé Backlash + More

Episode Date: April 9, 2025

The Breakfast Club Sits Down With Keri Hilson To Discuss Returning To The Spotlight, Public Relationships, Beyoncé Backlash. Listen For More!YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@BreakfastClubPower1051FMSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Wake that ass up. Early in the morning. The Breakfast Club. Morning, everybody. It's DJ Envy, Jess Hilarious, Charlamagne the guide. We are The Breakfast Club. Lorna Rosa is here. And we got a special guest in the building.

Yes, indeed. Kerry Hilsen, welcome. Hi, thank you. How are you feeling? Oh, man, I feel good. It's been a long time since we've seen you back with some music. Where you been?

How many times you done heard that question since you've been making the rounds? Where you been? Where you been? A lot. I've been around, I've been alive clearly. I've been doing movies, I had been doing, making music. Couldn't release it, but been around. Definitely been around. How can you release it?

Been finding my happy contractual issues, you know. So is that all over now? That freedom, that's all over. I'm free, I belong to myself. Oh, so independent? Yeah. Oh wow, okay. Was that your choice?

Yeah. Wow. Because really, because I'm not the same girl I was at 20 when I signed that contract, however old I was. It was around that early 20s. Like I'm not that person anymore. And now I deserve a lot more say in my career and the decisions I make and the songs that I'm not that person anymore. And now I deserve a lot more say in my career, in the decisions I make, in the songs that I'm cutting,

and releasing, and you know, I just, you deserve that control. You've kinda outgrown things, so. People would think that, you know, as an artist, you're able to do what you wanna do musically. But you're basically saying that's not necessarily true. It was not the case for me. I was signed to a label and a sub-label

that had its own heads, you know what I mean? So yeah, I released songs that I didn't really love. I had to record songs I didn't love. So even though I was known as a songwriter, I was a new artist. So there are things that you kinda, you gotta play the politics game. And to me, that doesn't really go with art being political.

Yeah, I wonder why wouldn't they trust you, especially because of your pen. Right, I mean, I think to a certain degree, but again, it was just politics sometimes over my feelings, the statements I wanna make, the artists I see myself as. It was just like, no, but you have to, we have to have a song by this producer,

because I've had this side conversation with that producer. Promise them a song on your album, basically. And no matter how the session turned out, we gotta put this out. So it's like, you know, things like that can happen. And no, I didn't have the say, because I wasn't distributing, I wasn't, you know what I mean? On that end of things. When you think about Carrie Hilsen, like you were everywhere in the late 2000s writing, you were your own artist. And then you took a step back. Was that intentional? Or was it the industry bullshit kind of made you feel like, you know what, I don't want to be involved. Or did they push you out a little bit?

Like, what was it? Of the- Industry. No, no, it was definitely very intentional. I was actually going through quite a bit personally. I was really, really depressed. And at the height of my second album, One Night Stand was out, Pretty Girl Rock was out.

These are huge, you know, Knock You Down was still even in rotation, you know what I mean? Like things were really, really good, but I was really, really low, really, really bad. But it was personal for the most part, and some professional woes again, not having a say in decisions that are being made that I have to stand for and represent

and do that with whatever level of grace I could have for those decisions being made for me. And just kinda, you don't always agree with who you do business with. Absolutely. And so, but yeah, that wasn't, it was not, it was my choice for sure. You weren't blackballed?

No. Okay. And how'd you get out of that funk? Cause you went into depression. How did you get out of that depression? Was it more writing? Was it family? Was it time?

All of it, all of that. And vacations and philanthropy and all the things, exercising and like journaling, writing privately and for others. Spiritual retreats. Cause you went on a healing journey. Yeah, I went on what I call eat, pray, love. Absolutely. Yeah, so, and there were times where I would just say yes

to shows that were in places that I wanted to visit. That's part. Yeah, otherwise I'm not performing. I wanna go there, yeah, so yeah. It's just that. So with the album, We Need to Talk, you have this digital series. We had this conversation, so it's like, whatever.

So you have this digital series called We Need to Talk as well, and it's like a you to you conversation. It's Carrie Hilsen, or Carrie Lynn, talking to Carrie Hilsen. And you got very- Me versus me. You versus you.

You got very in depth about a bunch of different things. Relationship, you know, just coming back and doing this whole thing again, the press runs and all that different stuff. And now you've been out, you've been talking to some press. Is it what you expected it to be? Do you feel like people are like, because it kind of seemed like you think,

you thought people were going to be out to get you and you wanted to protect yourself from that, coming back into it. I still think that. Okay. You know? Why? She's very like skeptical. Because the landscape has changed so much. it? I still think that. Okay. You know? Why? She's very skeptical.

Because the landscape has changed so much. Yeah, I'm just cautious it has, right? Because it wasn't this salacious. It wasn't quite this like... You are correct. Ugly or nasty or driven by negativity. It just wasn't that when I was last here, sitting in this chair.

So yeah, I'm freaking scared. That sounds like, because it was bad 15 years ago. It was bad already. Exactly, exactly, and now it's just worse. So yes, that fear is real. That is a dialogue that I have with myself daily. It's literally a prayer at night. It's just like, ah, and the struggle really is

how authentic and truthful can I be when I don't feel safe? When that is not intact, when your safety is not there, just like in a relationship, you're not your most vulnerable when you don't feel safe. No, you're not going to open up. You're not going to have these innermost feelings be expressed. It's part of what we do, so I have to find that even in the environment. So, yes, that's very real. How have the last couple days been for you?

Has it been triggering? Not yet. I think that doesn't really happen until the clickbait begins. OK. So as these interviews are rolling out, and you see how things could get twisted and how people misunderstand what you're saying or how the commenters will choose the most negative perception to have about what you stated.

You know what I mean? That's the scary part. It's not, I love the people. Do you miss the love? Cause I've seen you, what, last year we were in Newark and Michael B. Jordan's thing and the love was amazing. I've seen you another time overseas in one of the Caribbean islands,

you were performing, I was DJing and the love was there. Do you miss that part of it? Do you only focus on negativity and forget about that part? No, no, no, no, no. I think it's just different with how people treat interviews and then how people treat your craft. That remained the same because that was literally all I was doing.

I wasn't doing interviews. So I always, I couldn't miss the love because I was still performing. And even when I went to movies and things like that, like it was just, it's been all love. I just know stepping back into music is a different, that's the only difference is the interviews and the click bait and the, it's just talking.

I just be like, all right, how many ways can this be taken? Prepare for it, get ready, because people are committed to misunderstanding who you are, and it becomes now a character attack, and that's kind of difficult when you do feel as though you're a good person, and you do write by people, and you have integrity, and you move in a certain way. The sad thing about it is we reward negativity. have integrity and you move in a certain way.

The sad thing about it is we reward negativity. Me and Charlamagne had this conversation all the time. Somebody can get on social media right now and talk about your outfit and be nasty as hell. They get a million views, but he gets paid off for that or she gets paid off for that. So what does it do? They'll do it again.

Reinforcement. And they'll do it again and it's positive and they paid off for that. So what does it do? They'll do it again. And they'll do it again. And they'll do it again. And it's positive. And they get paid for it. So you gotta understand that and take it with a grain of salt. You should do the R&B Money podcast. And the reason I say that with Tankin J. Valentine is because you made me think about something.

It's like, well damn, is there a safe space for artists? And it's like, yo, when you see artists who start their own platforms, they probably understand, they overstand how you feel. So they've created that safe space for you. They have, and I've done it. I've actually done the R&B Mop.

Yeah, we did it, was that last year or year? It was a minute ago. I think it was last year. I said it was a minute ago because I watched it in preparation for it. Yeah, I think it was around the time when we went on tour. Yeah, so it was mid last year. So when you talk about the depression

and you talk about the spiritual journey, the spiritual healing, what did that chapter of your life teach you about purpose? It taught me how dangerous it is to step away from your purpose, to step out of your purpose and away from your gifts. But it also taught me on the flip side of that, that sometimes you have to do what is necessary

to re-engage with your purpose in a better way. And so both of those things happened for me. Learning that it was necessary to pick it back up, but it was also necessary to be boundaried and not have it by any means at any cost, but to protect myself in certain ways. So yeah, I learned a lot about purpose. You have a song on the project

we need to talk called, Weigh Me Down. And then I hear you talk about purpose and just stepping back into things. And I know there's different things that can weigh a person down, but were you ever worried that the weight that made you wanna step away and take some time would make you forget or just lose the passion

for the purpose? Yes, I was concerned with that and it did happen. I lost passion for quite a while. It was really difficult to create at times. My life was radio silent. I didn't listen to music. It was really difficult to create at times. My life was radio silent. I didn't listen to music. I didn't sing or hum in the shower like I did since I was yay high.

Like I lost so much passion for it. But I realized that that was really, it was also necessary. Talk about a clean slate, that's what, you know, me stepping away created the cleanest slate possible. And that's why it's so scary, because I'm so freaking peaceful. Like life is calm, it's cool. I like my friendships, I like my circles,

I like the safety that I feel in daily life and stepping back out into the spotlight. That's what the fear is really all about, is like, am I gonna lose how safe I feel? Am I gonna lose my peace, my sanity, my mental health? Am I gonna be affected? It's, you know, cause of sleep deprivation and, you know, just not just comments.

I have a thick skin cause I'm so much more self-aware also of who I am and also what I'm here to do and what my gifts are, what my strengths and weaknesses, I'm very clear. So I don't think that they will ever cut me the same way. But it being there at all can spark a little fear. But how do you protect your peace in an industry that thrives off controversy and hate? Negativity and hate, yeah.

Yeah, I haven't quite all the way figured that out, but I think it's a daily, I feel like it's gonna be a daily practice. Saying no to certain environments that you just kinda already know are not gonna be conducive to what you've, I've worked so hard. It's like I was telling her yesterday,

once you have seen darkness, you will fight tooth and nail to never see it again, to never have to be that low, quite that dark again. And I think it's gonna be a daily struggle, a daily, not struggle, but a daily effort in that regard. Because you wanna enjoy the process, right? Like you don't wanna walk into every room and feel like, okay, when's the other shoe gonna drop?

You know what I mean? Right, that's no way to live, you're right. But I think, yeah, I think there's enough about this that I do enjoy, that I think it'll just overshadow, I'm hoping, but we'll see. I think it's gonna be a lot of prayer, it's gonna be meditation, it's gonna be a lot of prayer, it's gonna be meditation, it's gonna be listening to the music that eases and calms my nervous system

in moments when that's necessary. It's gonna be just making sure that the enjoyable moments can be as enjoyable as possible. Whatever that looks like. Well what pushed you to come back out then? Because I mean it's, you're making music, making money from writing, you've written so many records, I mean I'm looking at your discography now.

It's just so many records. What made you say, you know what, I want to put that foot back out and go in the line of fire? I felt clogged. I felt burdened, clogged, stuck. And that would really sum it up. I felt like I had more to say, more to do. Because I know, I say it in the Me vs. Me series,

like I wasn't done. I sat down for a second, but I never felt done. I toyed with the idea, like am I finished? Do I ever want to do that again in that way? But the answer was yes, just my way. I have to have a certain level of control now over my image, my brand, my words, my dialogue, just all the stuff, but yeah, I just felt like

there was, there is so much more, and I never stopped creating, so I also know what's in the arsenal. Got you. And my confidence was built back up. And I just, in recent years, I just felt ready. I felt ready. You think people forgot what you've created, what you've written, the songs that you put out?

Because I'll be honest, I forgot. Until I just looked at the discography, I'm like, Jesus. Like, there's so many records. Writing or the? Yeah, both writing and the records that came out. I'm like, there's so many records. Both writing and the records that came out. I'm like, there's a lot. I don't know, I don't know. I don't know and I honestly, I kinda don't care either.

Cause it's like, clean slate, here we are again, everything, people only care about what you do that's new. Sure, you may have been impacted positively by things that I've done. And it was so long ago and I'm proud and I'm really grateful. But I don't know that that matters as much to me. I don't look back a lot.

I'm really focused on what we're, what I'm venturing to do again. When we talked before, you talked to me about the dark space that you were in and just trying to get up out of that, but not kind of, it's like a hard thing to push yourself up out of. I started thinking about it after the conversation and I know what R&B, a lot of times people

jokingly say like, we want R&B artists to be in this dark, traumatic place because the music is better. When you hear people say stuff like that, you then got over so much in this peaceful space, are you like, no, y'all relax, because I need to sell some music. How do you feel about that? Okay, I've also, as I stepped away, I was able to become a fan again, too, like as I was emerging and starting to listen

and look at the scope, and in some cases, they're right. Heartbreak makes for a beautiful record. Heartbreak, though, not depression. Not depression. Yeah. It can lead to depression. It can also. It can also.

It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also.

It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. It can also. I have dark music, but I definitely have F that N music. You know what I mean? And I still. I spoke that nigger for the white people that might be listening.

Not the hard ER. Yeah, I have that and I still have that. You know, that's part of my story. So I'm not doing all positive, I think they're right. There are artists that we can look at and be like, dang, it just never hit quite the same when it was not good. And that's sad to say.

It's effed up on the artist side, but there is some truth to that. You have to find now new ways of expressing, I guess, the highs and making that cool and fun. And, you know, I think people feel the other stuff a lot deeper, because it's more relatable. Most people know what a messed up or toxic relationship feels like,

or they know what it's like to affect someone in a toxic way or whatever that is, it's just more compelling. What did your ego say when you stepped away? Like when you stepped away, like, you know, like people may not recognize your opinion the way that they should, I may not recognize the hips. Like how was it easy for you?

That's like an egoless move to just step away and be like, y'all can have it for a while. What did my ego say? I'm sure there were bruises. There were moments where I wasn't proud of like the bookings I would get. You know what I mean? There were times where my ego was like,

I'm better than this. Jesus. Why am I doing this $2 Tuesdays? $2 Tuesdays? $2 Tuesdays? $2 tacos and tequila? What am I doing? It wasn't that bad.

No, it wasn't that bad. It wasn't that bad. She would've just went back and just solely wrote if it was good to that. Tell them don't play with your checks, okay? I mean, yeah, it was never that bad, but there were moments where I'm like, surely I'm better than this. Like, you know, but yeah,

there were times I definitely had to, but I stepped away again, the whole intention behind it was to kind of kill my ego. That was the journey I went on literally was like, let's just be a human. Let's try to look as little like Carrie Hilsen as you can and kind of reemerge as a human. Like who am I?

I have been in the industry since my first group. We talked was about, I was 14 years old. We signed when I was 17. And then I quickly quickly when that group disbanded or near the end of it I began songwriting and so my first placement it I wrote at 17 it came out at 18 that was my first what first five figure check that turned into six figures by 21 like you know what I mean so I've been in this industry now, I'm 42. So that would be 20 years in a couple years.

Wow. No, excuse me, 30 years. 30 years. Good Lord. I think I didn't, that was a, I didn't want to admit that. And nobody in here is a math major, so we wouldn't have come to the rec. You two would have called it later. For sure, for sure.

I'm like, wait, now, okay. Almost 30 years, almost 30. Almost 30 years, so yeah. I kind of felt like the break was really wanted and the ego kill was necessary too. I wanted to be human and I wanted to be a great one. I wanted to be a good human. So like, what does that mean?

And I had to go on that journey and figure that out. So there was a point where you looked in the mirror 15 years ago and was like, I don't like what I see. I don't like who I've become. Yes, on the low end of that, for sure. Not necessarily because I felt I had a huge ego, but because I had made some mistakes and I had lived in shame

and embarrassment and then too I was going through heartbreak so that was all kind of coupled together. So yeah, yeah, I didn't like who I saw because I knew that I was a higher vibrating person than those things. And sometimes when you, you know, you step away from the integrity or you find yourself in scenarios that you didn't have control over that rub your spirit in a certain way and you're like, that is, that was a mistake I really could've done without making.

And when that happens, you're not gonna like who you see. Yeah, for many different reasons. Now your relationship's with public though. Would you ever have public relationships again? Hell no. Trying not to. Trying not to. I'm trying not to.

Only two of them. Only really one of them. Two. Two? OK. Two. Which two are you talking about? Do your Googles.

People could do their Googles. Do your Googles. Yeah, I'm not Googling. I don't mind. I'm just wondering where he's at. I just remember search. Yeah, that would be the one that I would say is a public relationship.

The other was like, OK. Is that real or was it fake? Which one? The younger one. They were both younger than me but they were both very real I think he's asking about the dating oh that was not no there was a there was always a rumor that you guys were dating I think no yes say their's clear that all the way up. No, no, no.

You never dated Soulja Boy? No. Oh, okay. No. Where did you get that from? That's the thing. Yeah, that's the thing. So I think we might have been in New York, actually,

and we were just at the same studio at the same time, I think. Either studio or was it at a show, whatever the case is, it was like a visit, like a dressing room or studio visit. And he came by and it was like, I think our first time meeting and he put his chain on me. Like he had his chain and I was like, maybe I tried it on. I don't remember how the chain got around my neck. This is 20 years ago.

What it smell like? Yo, shut up. What? What it smell like? Smell fine. Good answer. Good answer. Yes, this is, welcome back.

That's a big caption. Kelly Nelson put on Soulja Boy's chain and it smells fine. Yes, yes. This is welcome back, Kevin. That's a big caption. Yeah. Kelly Nelson put on Soulja Boyz, Jane and the smell of fire. Jane and the smell of fire. Okay, and pictures were taken, and it was just a fun moment between two artists. Like, that was the beginning of like,

oh, I can't even take pictures with people because I'm now dating everybody I take a picture with. That was like, yeah, yeah. So in Lil Wayne, all that same, never dated, no, just pictures. Chris Brown, never dated. Did any of that, because I know as a woman, like that has to be annoying,

because you don't have the choice to be like, this is what I'm actually doing, and you take too much time when you're doing it, right? How much did that impact you career-wise, or did it even, or did it just like piss you off to the point where it's like, I can't say anything, because Soulja Boy or whoever at the time They're also big artists. So my got labels that are like, well, just let it ride

Maybe it's selling music and you're trying to be like no, but as a woman I want to say this is what I'm doing right, I Think I dispelled all of the ones that I wasn't actually dating but I was doing it on Twitter and and you know when people see that's the thing about blogs. When they are posting something, a story that you know is not true, and you come out and say it's not true, they don't always come back and recant.

Never. Never. They hardly ever do, right? I mean, I've seen it, but it's like one out of a hundred. And it's not as big. It's never as loud as the rumor. It's never as loud as the rumor. So that part is annoying. But like people thinking that I'm dating other people, it depends on who it is.

That I guess determines how annoyed I would be, but yeah. You said you was getting over a heartbreak. Was that one of the reasons that you had to take a step back? Yes, I was in a relationship for 11 years. And that was with Serge? Which is a long time, that was not Serge, no. Oh, that wasn't Serge? It was before Serge.

Okay. Yeah, right before Serge. Oh, so Serge was a rebound? No, it wasn't Serge? Mm-mm, it was before Serge. Okay. Yep, right before Serge. Oh, so Serge was a rebound? No, wasn't a rebound. It was years in between. No, humble him a little bit. Let him know he was a rebound. Humbly Serge, just a little.

Serge, you are a rebound, okay? You gotta know if you knew that, but you are. It's not true. It's not true. And he gonna look straight to camera, too, like he was doing something for you. Right! Straight to camera is crazy.

Straight to camera, he was not a rebound. It was maybe three years after that 11 year relationship was over. I do believe in healing in between relationships. I do believe in that. So I'll be single for years in between relationships. I think that's the one problem with being an artist is that nobody believes that y'all are real people.

And so when you are going through real things, nobody will take that into consideration. It's more entertaining for them to be like, the beehive ran her out of town. Right, that's way more entertaining. But also because I think when you're rich, people are like, they don't empathize with you. That's right.

They can know you're human, but they don't care. Cause they're like, whatever, she's rich. She'll be fine. It's like, damn, I ain't got no heart. You know, I can't feel, I can't go through love and heartbreak and like, you know. I think people don't realize how much the noise that they throw, it like gets to you,

or not even if it doesn't break you, but like, you see it, you can't not see it. Right, especially now. She was trolled and jump before it was a thing Yeah, I was gonna say cuz I wasn't jumped. Well be No one ever put their hands on me I was like, he talking about the Beehive short man. Hold on. I was never joking.

Nobody put their hand on me. I don't know where you got that from before that happened. Where are you from? Atlanta. Atlanta. Yeah, okay. It came out real quick. Hold up.

Hold up. No, I think he's talking about the Beehive, just all of the comments and stuff from the song leak and all that stuff. And now today at this point, are you looking, like when you look back at that, cause and people will bring it up, so I'm sure you're kind of preparing yourself for that. How do you, do you, not even explaining,

but like, how do you look back on that? What are your comments on it now, so far removed from it? It's a regret, it's a regret, but not in the way that people would think. Cause that's a song that I actually didn't write. Those are not my words. I was on tour, Polo wanted me to do a remix to Turn Me On. He had produced the record and I wasn't, because I was on tour with Lil Wayne, I wasn't able

to like lay anything down. He had been on me for a couple weeks about, we need to do a remix. Okay, so I take off. It wasn't happening quick enough for him. I take off, we fly in. And he had another writer in our camp at the time. He had her write this, so he played it for me. This is the remix,

because I'm thinking I'm coming in to go write a remix to turn me on. Like the whole time I had been writing concepts, like what would I say? How do I even remix this? Like what do I want to, so I had lines and I had things that I would have said, but I come into the studio and he plays me this verse

and I'm like automatically I'm like that is, that's, I'm not saying that. That was my position. And that. You knew it was Shane when you heard it. Yeah, yeah. But I didn't know really who it was about, but I mean, one could guess and, you know,

it just was, like I'm an athlete, but I'm a one could guess. And, you know, it just was like, I'm an athlete, but I'm a finesse player. I'm not a nasty player. I'm not a dirty player. I don't even look at things like that. I'm competitive in a, I'm also a swimmer, so that's a self-sport. That's like an inside game. And that's how I played every sport that I played.

So I never found it, but we disagree there, Polo and I, because he believes in kind of the shock jock mentality. He believes in kind of playing dirty to a degree, and I don't. It's not rap. Exactly, exactly. So I tried to find him on it, and I began writing my own.

That's what I did with my time there, but he, I wanna be careful with the word I used. It was quite forceful, you know what I mean? In an executive artist way? Yeah, in an executive artist way only. You know, involving others and kind of threatening my career in a sense, in a real sense. Like, you're not coming, because my album wasn't out yet. So it was like, you're not coming out if you don't do this.

And the mistake that I made was not continuing to fight. But I was in tears, I was crying. I was adamant that I did not wanna do that. And for people that don't know, you were signed to Polo. I was signed to Polo and Timbaland. And Timbaland, correct. Yep. In a joint venture at Interscope Records. Yep.

And I was young, I was super young. I felt I had no power, I felt I had no choice. But I did record mine, my version, which had nothing like that in it. It was on subject, The song is about men. And I think days, was it days after? He remembers more, cause he was there. He remembers more.

Was it days after when it leaked? It leaked like days after I did it, but he promised me that wouldn't happen. So it leaked. And that was that. And I protected him. I protected the girl that wrote it who went on to become famous.

I protected everyone in the story, so I had to eat that. I had to eat that. And I am still eating it to this day. Because I'm getting asked about that 15, however many years, 16, 17 years later. It's like I've worn the Scarlet Letter, really. Have you ever?

I'm sorry, but when you answer it once, like give people an actual answer, I think that makes it go. They can't ask again. I was gonna say, I think this is the first time I've heard this like story. I have before, but yeah, maybe you guys is a beautiful platform, a big one,

and maybe hopefully this is the last time I need to talk about that. But that is definitely a regret of not fighting even stronger. But again, when your career is on the line and they make it that be the way that you perceive the situation. Not perceive, but it was pretty clear.

But when you're that young, you're just kinda like, fuck. Maybe they know better than me. Right. I have to, yeah. Maybe, well I never felt like they were right. I never felt like they were right, but, cause my authenticity said the entire time, this can't be the only way to become, like I was already doing well.

And in my eyes, although it gained the popularity and the recognition, the song, okay, we had a lot of spins, but that I, from that moment on, I was like, this, this ain't even my path anymore. Now I got to ride out. What did Timbaland say? I think he just went because they were partners. I think he just went along, but I didn't, I don't remember that we involved him or that he was involved at all, because he hadn't produced that record.

But I wonder now, I would love to ask him, like, what did you think about that? What I do know is he went on to work with B and J, and tour with them, and so did Polo. And I'm sitting there like, wow, but again, I was trying to keep peace, and also not wanting to put my career, they were still my bosses.

I didn't wanna put my career further into detriment. So I just didn't wanna step in the shit anymore though. So I didn't wanna hold no magazine with her on the, I just froze. I just was like shook. So whenever anybody brought it up, probably the last time we were here, they were like, please don't bring up Beyonce. It was probably that kind of environment because I was shook. So whenever anybody brought it up, probably the last time we were here, like please don't bring up Beyonce,

it was probably that kind of environment because I was shook. I was scared. I was not of her, like I love her. I think she's incredible. She's one of the greatest artists of all time. And I'm a fan, like have always been, that's never been in question for me.

But now I just, it's a name I can't say. It's a magazine in question for me. But now it's a name I can't say. It's a magazine I can't hold. It's a conversation I don't wanna have publicly just because I don't wanna piss anybody off. I don't wanna make things even more weird than they already were. I just wanted it to go away. I wanted it to go away.

I wanted it off my scarlet letter, you know what I mean? I wanted to clean myself up and just have the career that I wanted to have, but I didn't know how to do that. I didn't know cleaning it up would mean that. It just felt like a messier situation. I think people understand industry now. So they understand like, you know,

producers or executives telling you, yo, you know, diss this person or say this about this person or, you know, stir up some controversy. I think they can understand that. They can understand 15 years ago, you was a younger artist, couldn't have completely different space, how you could be pushed to do something like that.

I think so. Now. Yeah, now I think we can. Now they could. Back then, I think it was, people probably felt a different way. Yeah, and if you believed, you knew I was a writer.

If you believed that those were my words, then there's no backing out of that, but they're not my words. Why did you put your? And they weren't just about, I mean, the verse wasn't just about a Beyonce. I remember it was a to the left line in there, but you were shooting at women in general.

But I think it was because, and that's why you can sing, I guess in the industry. You can dance, you can sing. It was the move to the left that I think, it was a couple other things, but it was the move to the left that I think people kind of parallel.

But, and that's why I'm wondering like, at what point did you realize like, oh, like here's the, I guess it's all these women, but like here's the, this is how this is gonna be taken, and like I'm in the middle of this now. When it happened is when it leaked, and when I guess we must have seen comments or think pieces and headlines, and it was like all of a sudden

all the good headlines just went to that and they're forever there. I think I just realized it as other people like okay. But as I was singing I was like, is this? Because that whole time it was begrudgingly that I went through with his request but it was like a promise like you can write your own if you sing this and then it leaked. So it was like a promise, like, you can write your own if you sing this.

And then it leaked. So it was all part of the plan. So I wasted my time even working on my own verse, because that was what he wanted to happen. What did your team say when the backlash happened? Did they just step away and say, you are your own now, or did they support? That's what it felt like.

That's what the fuck it felt like. That everyone went on to normal, seecy and I'm the only one left. Like, it's what it felt like. I'm being crucified, I'm being murdered. And I would say, Carrie the human was looking at Carrie Hilsen the artist, like you deserve that shit. You should have fought harder. You know, I understood it. I got it.

Give yourself grace though. Well, it's tough to do. Because that's something that I held on to. Not again. Girl, every time we together. Okay, I got you sis. But um. Ms. Lauren, her wig smells like onions.

First of all. Thank you for making me laugh. Whatever makes you laugh. Thank you, thank you. That was, I felt that. She say it wasn't true though, but. Uh. Y'all are crazy.

But that is what it, oh, give myself grace. Yeah, I do now, I do, I do, I do. I have forgiven myself, but that's what, it goes back to the shame that I felt for so long. I'd be ashamed to walk in places or look like myself at times for so long. I'd be ashamed to walk in places or look like myself at times for that reason. Because I'm not a hater.

I'm really not. Like, to the point where I never even read chart positions. I never even cared about how many sales I have or how much. Like, I'm not that girl because I'm not driven by what others are doing or the competition that I feel has nothing to do with what anyone else is doing. I've never felt like shooting anyone else down for their greatness made me greater. I'm not that naive. I'm not that immature.

So I just always felt like what I do is what I do and I feel like I do it damn well. But it has no bearing on what they do. So I just felt like that was such an ungraceful mistake to make or to be forced to do. And to not stand up for myself. That was the shame that I wore was like I should have fought harder, should have fought harder, I should have fought harder, I should never have done it. I should never have recorded that. I should have outed them well before now. I should have, you know what I mean? And I still am protecting the writer

because I feel like she might have been doing what she was told to do. I hope that. I want people to really hold on to what you just said though because it wasn't, you know, the beehive getting at you, it was what you chose to do. Because I feel like if you had wrote that on your own and put that out and got that same backlash,

you probably could have handled it better. But it was the fact. Can you elaborate, what do you mean? The fact that it wasn't you that wanted to even say that. Like you let somebody else make the decision for you. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

And I think we all have those moments in life where you're like, dang man, I wouldn't have gotten in that fight or I wouldn't have got arrested if I didn't even get convinced to go or if I didn't, you know, whatever, where you're just like, I could've, I knew it. You never wanna compromise yourself for opposition

because it makes you feel like, it makes you feel like, okay, I know I got faith in a higher power, but I clearly wasn't paying attention to God in that moment. And I know faith in a higher power, but I clearly wasn't paying attention to God in that moment. And I know I got faith in myself, but I clearly wasn't paying attention to me. So why did I compromise myself?

Why did I make these people feel like I'm not gonna make it if I don't do what they want me to do? How could I allow them that level of power? Like you ain't God, you weren't even here at the beginning of my climb. You know what I mean? I would have kept climbing with just in someone else's hands. And that's why my trust is so low. You know what I mean? I would have kept climbing with just in someone else's hands. And that's why my trust is so low.

You know what I mean? Because I'm like, man, I've been effed. And abandoned, so to speak. So yeah, you always pay. When you go against your intuition, you always pay for it. You always pay for it. You always pay for it.

You have to fight for what you feel. That nudge is there for a reason. It's there to protect you. It's there to keep your sanity. It's there to make sure that you are who you say you are and believe you are and just kind of keeps you in line. And that was my mistake. Have you spoke to Beyonce or run into her?

Because the industry is small. It is, it is. We ran into each other at a, was it BET Awards? And she introduced herself. I didn't see her coming, but she came and her hand was out and she introduced, she was like, hi, I'm B. Or she may have said her whole name.

I also, and that was as it was happening. You know, I think I was, I think that was when I was performing at or something. I'm not sure. I don't, I'm not sure. But I was backstage for some reason, maybe I was presenting or whatever. I hope it was BET Awards. I could be wrong about that too. But it was some award show by the trailers. So backstage area. and she had introduced herself. And I felt like, you know, she was, that was a little bit of like, you know. I guess I'm right.

I see you. Well, I hope, I hope it was that. You know she does that to everybody though. She does that to everybody. I tell her all the time, I've seen Beyonce. I mean, I've only been around her a few times, but I've seen her walk up to me and say, hi, I'm Beyonce.

Okay. I thought it was G. No, no, no, she did that to me in a club one time, I met her and then one time at another radio station, she comes, hey, I'm Beyonce. Okay. I thought it was G. No, no, no, she did that to me in a club one time I met her and then one time at another radio station she comes and says, hey, I'm Beyonce. I knew that she was checking you, but that is her. No, I do, I thought it was G. I thought it was real G.

I was like, fuck with that, I like that, I like that. Why didn't you try to have a conversation? Just be like, you know what? We just went in the place. And I did, you know, it just went in the place. I hoped to always have that. B, if you're out there. I love you I would love to do that. I'd love to do that because I don't know what's being said I do know that my camp has worked with her. I don't know what was also said

They might have put it on me. They might have said she wrote that what like I don't know what was said I would love to clear that up because like I said, I'm a fan There's utmost respect for who she is as a songwriter, as a performer, as a woman, as a mom, like so much respect for her. And I was in a girl group, you know what I mean? Like we looked up to them. There's so many reasons and ways that you can love her.

And I would love to do that, because I'm more so also to clear it up for sure and to give her the respect that I felt she always deserved from me because that was so not that. But also because I'm curious as to what were you told about it? If Polo, like if they came back and said hey hey, let's today, I don't know if they try to have a conversation, like we're in different spaces. To me? Yeah, to you.

Would you, are you, is that conversation you'd be down to have today? I think the conversation needs to be to y'all. I felt unprotected. I felt like abandoned there. I think the conversation is to the public. I've forgiven him. He's actually even has records on this album. Oh, so you all work with each other again.

We have worked. I can be around, like I'm a really forgiving person. And again, I took full accountability all this time. I just wore it. I ate it, I wore it. I lived it. But before y'all worked, did you say we needed to talk? No, we were talking the entire time.

Like I never, I'm not a spiteful individual. I don't harbor ill, I have said many times how I felt. You know what I mean, the whole while. He, to this day, he just, you know, the definition of gaslighting. But. I don't understand the working relationship then. Cause like hearing you talk about him

It doesn't seem like someone you would want to continuously put yourself around But he can never force me to do anything. I don't believe in again That's what I know about me so I can be around someone and know that I'm in control of me now You know what I mean? You'll never make the same exact mistake twice. I will never let that man coerce me to do Anything ever again, you know? So, it's just that, it's just that. Like I can be, and we're cool. Like, it's just, it is what it is.

But I will keep him at a certain distance in certain decisions. How's he gonna feel when he hears you say that? He's a great producer. He's probably, he ain't gonna like it. He's not gonna like it, but like. It's your truth. It is my truth.

And it's more important for me to be honest and truthful and authentic now. And if honestly, if that lifts part of the burden for fans and for myself, then I guess today it had to be said, you know. And with all the records that you've written, what is your favorite? than I guess today it had to be said, you know? And with all the records that you've written, what is your favorite? I can't, who's your favorite child? It's tough, I don't have one, they all my favorites. Yeah, it's like that, it's like that.

Do you have a record that defines you? One of your records that defines you? All of them, they find pieces and sides of me. For sure. And did you write Throw Some D's on it at that hook? No. I was just in the video of that one. That's like a floating rumor online too. That I wrote what? That you wrote it. No, that you wrote it. Not that you dated. No, that you wrote that. Not Throw Some D's, no. Let me think. Rich Boy Stillin'. No, that wasn't it.

I love that hook though. I wish I wrote it. You wish you wrote it. I love that verse, all the verses on that. Do you feel secure? Like do you feel protected now? Yeah, cause I got me. I do.

And also this man right here, Mr. Jones, I do, and also this man right here, Mr. Jones, he's been with me my entire ride from album one at some point, yeah, yeah. It's been that long and he is literally my protector. I've never seen an artist manager dynamic quite like this where I know no matter, even if you were trying to get me to do something that Is against my better judgment. It ain't even gonna get past him. It's not even gonna get to me Because he saw all that he saw me pay for everything. He saw me. He was with me

You know what I mean? I'm sure he felt some of even as a manager. He probably felt some of the same feelings I felt about his own career Which is a thing. I'm just realizing, like yeah, he probably had some embarrassment, you know? But we went through it all together, and here we are, still here. I mean, I know personally you had things going on, but was the industry shit really that bad?

Like was the beehive and all of those, was that real, like when they was coming at you, was that had anything to do with you taking the step shit really that bad? Like was the beehive and all of those, was that real? Like when they was coming at you, was that had anything to do with you taking the step back that you took? Yeah, that was the other side of it. So it was a heartbreak in that. Yeah, that's what I was saying in the beginning of our interview.

Yes, it was that. It was like me wearing the mistakes. But it wasn't necessarily, okay, no CDs were ever thrown at me. That would have been a totally different story because it would have gone very differently. You mean CDs Stone or something? Yeah, that was a rumor that they said

that they threw Beyonce CDs at me on the street or something, wherever they said that happened. That had never happened. But it was online. That's the first I've seen a Georgia come out of you. That's twice. I was gonna say that. The one that jumped in, it would never throw a CD.

It's funny because I didn't even realize my disposition changed at all. But, thank you, it was online. It was like the, what did you call it? Online jumping? Jumping, trolling, jumping. Online trolling. Yes, it was like no matter what I posted, the response was bees. No matter what I said, no matter what the caption was, no matter how beautiful I look, no matter what, how, why I'm on this carpet,

no matter what, it was like just everywhere, you know, online and interviews as well. Like it was like I couldn't do anything on my own without her name being mentioned. Which yeah, it just, I couldn't live it down. I just felt like I could, everywhere I went, they're like, so Carrie, fuck, I couldn't live it down. I just felt like I could, everywhere I went, they're like, so Carrie, like fuck, I can't. And I would just freeze, I would just freeze.

That's natural, I just would freeze. And I'm like, I don't wanna step in, I don't wanna say anything wrong, I don't wanna say anything else wrong. Like I don't wanna step in it, so I'm just gonna be quiet. And eventually it came to, I don't even wanna show up anymore. I don't even wanna go anywhere.

I don't wanna do anything. I just don't wanna do this anymore. Wow. And was there industry backlash? Like did people start frontin' on you because they wanted to be in her good graces? Probably. It's fair to suggest that. Probably. It's fair to suggest that.

Probably. Probably some of the people that I had been working with took that position, but I wouldn't know. But I would say it's likely. It's fucked up if the people who took that position were people who actually encouraged you to do it. It's fucked up if the people who took that position were people who actually encouraged you to do it. Would be.

But I don't throw anything past many people. People are people. Now the only person you should be protecting now is you and your piece. Right, that's all I know. Nothing to nobody. Right, that part. That part right, that's all I know. Nothing to nobody. Right, that part, that part. And that's how I feel.

The only thing I owe anybody is me and to have the fresh start that I've been fighting for now. That's what I owe myself. Well, let's get into a joint off the album. Let's get back to the music. What do you wanna hear off the album? I think all we can play is Bay. We can play whatever you want.

Oh, do y'all have it all? Is that what you're saying? Miss can send me a record. I'm like, are you saying they sent y'all a teaser? No, she's like, I don't do well with leads. Oh, y'all have the list though. Wraithful, naked, searching, something about you. Bay, scream, whatever, weigh me down.

Oh okay, let's go there. So you gotta send us that one. We ain't gonna leak it, we promise. Yeah. Alright, so let's get into it right now. You wanna talk about somebody? No. Here you go. You wish.

No, no, no. Say that? Okay. It is a long record. Say that. Something is a six. Let's get it to say that right now. Okay.

And you got a dent, you got the Temptation story that comes out April 26th on Lifetime. Yes, Fame. Yes, April 26th. And my album drops the 18th. So like a week before that. And the, tell them about the series on YouTube. They're going to be like, oh, I'm going to Yes, April 26th. And my album drops the 18th. So like a week before that.

And tell them about the series on YouTube. I really want people to go watch this because it will help you with the music. And it's a background to you. Yes, and it kind of sums up the conversation we've had this morning and how I feel coming back in. So that I think is a great preface to hearing the music. So yes, it's on YouTube, on Kerry Hilsen's YouTube page,

that's me. I hate when I appear to talk in third person. But on my YouTube page, at Kerry Hilsen, you'll see a series called Me Versus Me. Six episodes, just quick, they're shorts. And the album is actually released in three parts. That's what I thought you were gonna say, but it's released in three parts.

I've been going so long, I was like, I owe people more than just one EP or one album. So I'm releasing basically three series of work, three bodies of work inside of one album. Oh, I thought you was getting your Michael Jackson Elmatic on with the nine songs. No. Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, I thought you was getting your Michael Jackson Elmatic on with the nine songs. No. Okay, okay.

Yeah, so you'll see them grade out as they're there, but it's all one album, all called We Need to Talk. And right now you're getting the love portion. So we're starting there. I'm telling a story. So what's after the love portion? It's really neat the way I decided to do this. What's after the love portion?

Drama. After drama? Redemption. Ooh, okay. So you feel like there's unfinished business in music for you, basically I do All right, well, let's get it on right now. I like that I'm happy for you Yeah, cuz I just like that you got it mapped out You know, I want to reintroduce yourself to this love it to this new generation. Thank you

Oh, it feels like it feels like you're getting through all of the things that you probably had to take, might have had to take a step away to better understand what was happening, to better articulate how you felt in it. Yes. It feels like that. Yeah, you're really wise. Oh girl, thank you.

You're really wise. She had me crying yesterday, asking good, Thoughtful questions. You gotta put some context to that. Oh, okay. Yeah, no, good crying. Crying isn't bad. No, I don't know.

You made me feel, which is not that normal to have to think that deeply. So I appreciate when I get to, and thank y'all, because it's the same here. And it's good context, because you never know what people are really going through or how these things we hear in the media really are impacting somebody personally. Right, and even at a subconscious level,

because that's what it was for me. I don't think it was completely all conscious, but you inherit what people say about you when you see it that often. Good, bad, and ugly. The good is just as damaging as seeing the ugly things about yourself. So yeah, subconsciously you inherit what the belief,

outside, you can inherit what outside beliefs are into yourself and that becomes unhealthy no matter which way it goes, good or bad. I know you said we need to talk, which is the album, you're talking to fans also about things that they deserve to get answers to. Yes. I think as a fan, after we talked today

and after we talked on the other show that I do, I was like, wow. I wish I had kind of had a glimpse into all of this as it was happening. It probably would have made people react differently to what happened and not, I don't know, I can't describe it, but it was such a good insight. So I'm glad you're doing this.

I think people are gonna be like, oh, dang, okay. I hope so. It's a little bit of a person in there. Yeah, I hope so. Because I became so guarded after what had happened that I always felt like no one knows who I am. And I can't show them because I was too fearful and too afraid of.

But I just knew that I was completely misunderstood, completely misrepresented, just completely. Like this does not represent who I am in the least. So I always wanted for people to understand and see who I am, but I was too afraid to pull the veil. And also too afraid, like I said, feeling like I had to protect people. So I remained guarded and people were,

they didn't like the mask. they didn't like the mask. They didn't like the mask. It was crazy, Beyonce wouldn't want any of this. I don't think so. I don't think she would want you to have to go through. Yeah, I don't think, yeah. I don't think so either. I take her to be a lot more gracious than that.

I mean, even that introduction alone, I feel like I would agree. I would agree. I hope you have got to., I feel like I would agree. I would agree. I hope you ever got to talk to her. A dope full circle moment would be for you and her to collaborate on something. Like you write something for her or you write something together.

That would be dope. That would be dope. That would be dope. Let's put that in the atmosphere. Let's put that, yeah, let's manifest that. Thank you for joining us. Thank you for coming, because I know that had to be difficult.

The first time you, because I seen it in your face like you didn't know what to expect You look at him, especially the short guy over there like People don't be you are scary though me. Yes, because you're such a wild card You're like a landmine. I don't do cocaine anymore He never did cocaine don't play like that What's funny was in my head I was like, oh. That would explain it. Now we can give him some grace. Right, I'm like, oh.

You had an issue. You had a problem. Oh my goodness. Keri Hilsen, it's the Breakfast Club. Good morning. Wake that ass up. Early in the morning. The Breakfast Club.