The Breakfast Club - INTERVIEW: Leslie Jones Mental Health Advice For Men, New Book, Women In Comedy + More

Episode Date: November 9, 2023

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So listen to Still the Place on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to Still the Place on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. Wake that ass up early in the morning. The Breakfast Club. Morning, everybody. It's DJ Envy, Charlamagne Tha Guy. We are The Breakfast Club. We got a special guest in the

building. Leslie fucking Jones. Leslie Jones, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome. Good morning. Hello. Hello. Hello. How you feeling today? today I'm good I was looking for Jess you know she's uh she got shows in Detroit this week I thought she's gonna be here so I can kiki that's my girl you met oh you kidding me yes and she is so funny I gotta say that she's one of my favorite people on Instagram I love her shit she always make me laugh so funny what kind of jewels do you give the young female stand-ups like Jess? Well, Jess shit, she don't need none.

She gets it. This is the one thing I love about Jess, though, is that she's confident enough to be very sexy and still do comedy. See, when I was coming up, it was just a rule. Okay, I'll put it like this. Women comedians have to go through a certain thing like if i dress sexy and walk on stage for five minutes i'm not going to be heard because when i walk on stage the first thing is you're going to get the women going oh does she

think she cute and then they're going to look at their man and be like oh does he think does he want to fuck her and then you got to me so that's five minutes of going away like all that happens got you um so i used to just do the t-shirt jeans tennis shoe so you could pay attention to me but the thing i like about her is that she don't give a fuck like she's gonna go up there and she's gonna do her fun and she's gonna do her and i like i like that that women are starting to become more like i'm fucking like i'm a dude i'm still funny and I'm fine as fuck. Like, it's like, I love that. So what I would give, what I always give young women is to, you don't have to prove that you're a woman.

Like Jess does go on stage and do, but like she doesn't have to prove she's a woman. Like a lot of female comics write like period jokes or dis jokes. If you can make them funny, that's different. Just be yourself. That's real. Yeah, yeah, that's what I would do.

I was just like, always keep writing. Don't stay on the same thing. You should refresh your set a lot. You should always be writing new jokes. And anything that you think is funny is definitely something you should go on stage and try what advice would you give her about having a permanent gig on top of the stand-up like you know just say a daily show or a daily radio show like you mean like this show like the one

that she should be here for now that one yeah uh i would say to keep doing what she's doing because see to me jess is gonna bring you numbers jess is gonna bring you a whole different and no shitting on y'all but y'all all men that's right y'all i agree and y'all don't know shit about bitches trust me i listen to your shit you right you don't know nothing about pussy nothing not a fucking thing you right and and to me when jess is on here she really be like you know doing her thing you know I really like her responses she's not scared of y'all so I would tell her to continue because she one thing I like about her I bet she gets the numbers because she continuously put that content out I bet you she gets the numbers that's somebody y'all need on here she's a culture shift yeah you

really do need to like and bring some youth to this room. I'm not like again. I'm not insulting you Yes, you are, but not you know, I'm not Because this is this is the Breakfast Club y'all my focus been here for a while and you should be here for some more time But the only way to do that is to continue to I agree with the fucking change You know I'm saying and y'all need a bitch in here. That's the first time Yeah with the fucking change. You know what I'm saying? And y'all need a bitch in here. This is the first time you've been up here. Right? This is the first time Leslie's been up here. Yep. Because I was like,

if she wasn't, I'd come take this motherfucker because y'all sitting in here with thrones, it's fuck off. You're not going to have time. You're going to be doing the daily show.

Oh, you think so? Thank you. Yeah. Yo, first of all, I have to say thank you so much for coming on there. That was one of the best segments I ever done.

Thank you for having me. I still get people asking me about it. I love that you came on there that was one of the best segments i ever done thank you for having me i still get people asking me about it i love that you came on there was very vulnerable and it's just wonderful you made me a fan of you that day thank you very much real talk i actually heard you talking about it afterwards on your podcast too and i was like oh wow it was really awesome me and lenny was just like he was so fucking great like he's just really good thank you and a lot of people asked me about that it was like yeah and i was like yeah man that what he said was true like you said some really good thank you i want to start from the beginning from leslie jones if you don't know how did you get into comedy what what made to say this is what i want to do as a kid or well i i

never thought i was a comedian i never thought i was a comedian until someone entered me into a contest i just thought i was silly you know people invite me to parties and shit and they'd be like you know we got to invite leslie you know i just was getting invited to a lot of stuff and just didn't understand why and people like to hang out with me and one day my friend was like yo bitch because you are stupid like you're really funny and she was like you should do comedy and i was just like no that's like eddie murphy that's like whoopi goldberg and i was like i can't do that like i might be an actress and then i'll act like i'm whoopi like you know i'll do a role or something i never thought of myself as a stand-up and then when

she signed me up she signed me up for a contest at college there was a funniest person on campus and uh colorado state okay and uh was on a scholarship in basketball there. And she came and told me, she was like, yo, I signed you up for this contest. And I got mad, but I wasn't really mad because I was like, ooh, well, let's try it. As soon as I touched the mic. I tell everybody they think I'm lying, but it was literally like I saw, like it's like I had been doing it forever. Wow. It's like i saw like it's like i've been doing it forever wow it's like i saw myself like there was nothing there was no option of me doing anything else i was just like a light that

went on and a line that went straight and how did you start preparing after that so now you want to do comedy right but it's like anything else people you know most people that go on stage and think they can do comedy and then they fail because they don't know sets they don't know time they don't know delivery they don't know how to start studying and say this is what i want to do and who did you study well i mean i i first of all what i realized is that i was already studying like my dad had every comedy because he was dj so he i was already into pigfoot and millie jackson and you know mom's man i already knew about all that stuff i had had already had the knowledge of it. And as far as like knowing what I was supposed to do on stage, I still was in that mode of like, well, I want to be like Eddie Murphy.

I want to be like Whoopi Goldberg. I want to be like Richard Pryor. But what I didn't understand is that they are who they are. That's the reason they do the comedy that they're doing. I'm going to have to find out who I am. I learned that from Jamie. Jamie Foxx? Jamie Foxx, yeah. Because he was, I think it was the second time or find out who I am. I learned that from Jamie. So, you know, when I... Jamie Foxx? Jamie Foxx, yeah.

So, because he was... I think it was the second time or maybe third time I performed. And I... Shit, I bombed like a motherfucker. But when he came on stage, it was like, holy shit. He performs just like Richard Pryor and all that.

Like, this is crazy. So it made me go, okay, what is this formula? What is this? um then when i talked to him he was just like you're young you don't really have nothing to talk about go out and live go out and discover life get fired get hired get get your heart broke break some hearts just go through life so you can start have something to talk about because right now you're trying to do jokes and you're not mature enough to do the jokes that you're doing and you're not

funny enough to do the jokes that you're doing and you don't have shit to talk about so you know that's what i did i went out and lived i went out and lived and he was right because by the time i came back i had shit to talk about so um getting prepared is doing doing like me and mike tyson had this very conversation it was like before i was even mike anything i did a thousand fights so that's basically it like i tell new jacks all night man whenever i hear a new jack or anybody complaining about a spot i'll be like shut the fuck up you shut up like especially when they complain about a main club and it's like motherfucker do you know how long it took us to work for you to get the fuck spot and you bitching about it?

Man, I'll stomp the shit out of you right now in front of this club. So it's like do a billion. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Do a billion spots. A billion. I don't care. I have performed fucking everywhere, son.

I have performed in living rooms. I've performed in salons. I've performed in motherfucking class. I've performed everywhere salons. I've performed in motherfucking classrooms. I've performed everywhere. If it's a mic, I was there. You motherfuckers who've only doing it two or three years, don't nobody give a fuck about what you're talking about. Fuck you and do the fucking work.

Don't you sound like me yesterday? No, I'm just saying. Don't you sound like me yesterday? Yeah, like Instagram motherfuckers. Like, there's only, like I said, Jess can pull it off. I've seen Pretty V, Pretty V funny. But Jess is put in the work. She continues to.

Exactly. But she continues to. Exactly. And that's what people don't understand. This is not microwave. You're not going to just become funny overnight. There's no such thing as that. I hate when people say that.

You might be generally funny, but you need to go through the steps of becoming a real professional. There's a difference between an amateur and a fucking professional. And everything, everything is, you got to go through how to write. You got to, the first three years is just you figuring out how to even stand on stage. Do I want a stool? Do I want some water here? Do I want to hold the mic? Do I want Don't put the mic here. Don't want to sit this a all that and then with like how to how to talk Huh? I never thought about know how to talk how to look at the audience. Do you look right at the audience? Do you look alright me myself if you really pay attention? I never look at the audience until I'm doing crowd work I look over the audience because you can't it's like a concentration thing. You're in a zone. Yeah, I'm in a zone.

So, you know, you got to do that. I'll tell you like this. I have been doing comedy for three years, and I thought I was the shit. Because I was. I was killing that motherfucker. And I went up to Jay Anthony Brown, and I was like, yeah, Jay, when the fuck I'm going to start seeing the fruits of my motherfucking labor? Like, when I'm going to blow up? It was like 10 years.

I remember bust. I went home and cried because I was like 10 because this is the thing. It wasn't that I said in my head, not fuck him, you know, cause I wasn't that type of comic. I was a very much like when I started comedy, I prayed to God.

I said, listen, I want to be a good comic. If I'm not going to be a good comic, just let me be a promoter or something. Cause I don't want to do comedy wrong. So when he said the 10 years, I,

it was, it was not me going oh no that's you saying and then no it was me taking it in from a veteran telling me like damn i'm not gonna know myself until 10 years he was like yeah all this you know pussy fucking and smoking weed all that that's it because he literally asked me one day he said what do you do during the daytime and i was like i do a lot of stuff. He was like, well, from your set, it sounds like only thing you do is fuck and smoke weed and watch game shows. So he was like, that's all we get from it. And I was like, nah, that's the 10-year thing.

Because, see, first three years, you learn how to be on stage. Just think of yourself as a toddler. The first year, you're walking around. You're doing shit jokes. You're doing pussy jokes. You're doing all the dumb jokes. The second year, you may have graduated a little bit, but you're still doing shit jokes you're doing pussy jokes you're doing all the dumb jokes the second year you may have graduated a little bit but you're still doing sex jokes sex jokes is whenever you're seeing people doing sex jokes

unless they're just veterans and they got sex jokes it's an easy thing to go into it's just it's like low-hanging fruit so those first three or four years you're really just deciding who you want to be as a comic or whatever five years is when you start getting your gigs you got a set you know oh my god whenever i see a new jack that's doing it two years and they have more than five minutes i want to run up on stage and smother them with a bag like who told you that somebody wanted to listen to you for five minutes no get one good fucking joke you should have nothing even if they ask for five you you should be doing three. Make that three the strongest that you do. And people who get up there that are new and you start working on your new shit, find a workout place to do that.

Because when you come to a main club, you need to be shooting your motherfucking shot. Like, don't nobody know you. Yes, I understand trying out new jokes. That is great. But that's like after six or seven years that you get that cocky to go to a spot and try out a new joke you should always have a set set because don't nobody know you yet so when you get to the rhyme when you have a set set because don't nobody know you yet i mean i'm just saying you know making a t-shirt um but after you get eight nine years

eight nine eighth year ninth year that's when you start getting the big gigs instead 10 years 10 years is when you get tired of your set 10 years is when you go okay i got the attention now what i want to say that's when you start talking about yourself that's real that's when that's when that's when you bring them jokes out because you're going to be good enough to do it and by that time you, you got at least 20,000 sets under your fucking belt. And you should be. And people got to know the 10-year rule. There's no way to beat it. Oh, fuck all you who say, no, this bitch don't know what you talking about.

I've been in the business since motherfucking 87, bitch. I know. You know how you know what you're saying is the truth? Because even when you look at the new generation, I don't care if it's Jess Hilarious, DC Youngfly, Andrew Schultz, they've all been doing stand-up for damn near 10 years or better. Andrew's been doing it for 16. Exactly. Jess should be right at 10 right now.

Right. And DC should be right at 10 right now. So you're absolutely right. Yeah. Yeah. And it's just like people want to beat the system, and you're not going to beat the system. Put in the fucking work. Put in the fucking work put in the fucking work

your time will come Leslie who do you think curses more you or Samuel L. Jackson we're about it the same cause we did meet and both of us wow you think I curse a lot I do the name of your book is Leslie fucking Jones cause that's what people say when they come up to me they be like Leslie fucking Jones

so that's why I made it that. But it's the first time I cursed in front of my mom. Because she knew I had a bad mouth. My dad did too. My dad knew I had a bad mouth. But they was like, no, you respect enough not to curse around. And we was walking to the store. I will never forget this. We were walking to the store. And I had just went to a

parade where they had the German. And I was like, mom, you should have seen the majorettes. They were swinging their ass. And my mom was like, yo,'re not talking to your friend you better watch your mouth girl and asking one of your old friends ass is just like yeah but you know i was about to get into the you know fucks and all of that and she was like oh what you sound like when you're not around me i was like very bad very bad but uh i think that me and Samuel L. Jackson are the same. I think we curse at the same. And you say y'all met each other?

Yeah. It was hilarious. And I actually imitated him on SNL. I missed that. Oh, my God. We did Family Feud. Okay. Yo, let me tell you.

And I don't give a fuck because Kenny don't love it. But we, okay. because Kenny don't love it but we okay it was one of those those times where you they literally literally let us just have a little fun so they wanted me to be Samuel L. Jackson but they was going to put the beard on me and for some reason we didn't have the beard and I just dressed like he like with the uh hat and the leather jacket so and it's like i did look like samuel but didn't i just looked like leslie and so when he came to me and he was like samuel jackson man we were laughing so hard because ken was like wait a minute now you don't look like no damn thing was he pretending to be steve harvey oh my god and all i kept saying is you can burn in hell

it was just like really really fun but yeah when i finally met him yeah it was just like so funny but i think he cursed less when he met me because i i don't curse i gotta ask so you talked about you remember bombing so i always ask comedians when they come up you remember your worst show and your best show? Oh, shit. Babe, like again. What was the worst one? A thousand.

I can name 10 straight that is probably the same type of worst. Let me see. I fell off the stage. No, man. But that wasn't my worst show. I fell off the stage and got right back up and was like, I'm a stuntman too. And kept ripping. But you're talking about like a bomb.

Like I remember Kevin Hart came up here one time, he talked about the time where they threw a chicken wing at him. Charles Oakley threw a chicken wing at him, right? That was one of his worst shows. So what was like that one show that's always in your mind and been like, that motherfucking venue? Damn, I guess. Hmm, I would say Riddles, but see, again, I'm such a, I'm a i'm a gangster homie i'm gonna win the audience

but i would say riddles maybe in chicago was always kind of a hard room to do riddles that d ray uh used to host it back in the day i think that's when i fell off the chair i stood up on a chair and then fell off the chair but now i still rip that shit was so fucking funny i could just tell you funny like i got introduced in in omaha at this poetry poetry show and this was so hilarious like i was you know and i was beautiful like young had long hair on the road and you know dudes be trying to talk to you and sitting especially the ones that you want to talk to so that i remember this rasta dude was trying to talk to me he was was fine. Looked like Bob Marley.

Motherfucker. I was like, oh, you're definitely going to the hotel room with me. So I'm talking to him. And then dude's like, I'm about to introduce you, right? And I had on these fucking clunky ass sandals or something. And he introduced me. And man, I came down that step and fucking somersault. No, man.

Why you always falling? I rolled right in front of the fucking uh thing and jumped back up i was like yeah that's how i come on stage that's how i come on stage man i looked over and the roster was paying his bill to leave i said you motherfucker you motherfucker what about the best show so the best show what was the most amazing show that you still love i just i just can't okay it's just too many i would say one of my favorite ones is when i went to grand rapids michigan and uh they had a whole section that was deaf and they had the girl doing the deaf yeah they were deaf and she was signing

so you know i have a dirty show and i was like how you say suck dick so she was like, how you say suck dick? So she was like doing it. So I was like, suck dick, suck dick, suck dick. And she was like. And then she got really tired and I was like, ain't that something? The white girl got tired of sucking dick. Ain't that something? Man.

Grand rappers, they were on fire. There's so many good shows. I mean, when I was on tour with Cat, like so many. Oh, my God. I have to tell the story because I know Cat remembers this. Okay, so it was the beginning of the fucking tour.

We was in Chicago. I remember this. So it was the New Year's show. So we went out performing. Cat was late. So I had to go out and, you know, keep performing or whatever. So when Cat got there, you know keep performing or whatever so when cat got there you know cat is cat so this dude was waiting with a fur coat like this beautiful black fur coat so he was like cat I want you to wear it on set I want you wearing on stage so cat was like yeah

so you put the coat on and he went out and you know people lost it they was already mad that he was late but to see him they lost it they lost they was going crazy cat took off that coat and threw it out into the audience and dude was like a dude fainted no man dude that coat was like 15 000 they ripped that motherfucker apart he was just like oh yo i'm sure cat probably gave him the money no he did not no he did not hear about cat being so generous he may have given it i just didn't know i don't know but i think cat was like that's the way the crookie crumbles homie you know chris rock he did the forward to your book yes you talk about your relationship with chris rock yeah i mean i've known him forever i know every you know all the comedians known each other

forever chris i met tony rock before i met actually met chris rock but um just known each other forever and i used to always just bug the shit out of him and be like yo i'm only gonna make it if somebody like you tell them i'm funny why you ain't telling them i'm funny chris and he just be like he always say he didn't say i i wasn't ready but he did say that but he was like no they're not ready for you that's what he was saying but i would always man i would chase him out to the car at the laugh factory i would chase him all the way out to his car and i'd be like what the fuck yo what you doing like why you see me ripping these motherfuckers and he just smiled at me and getting this car like god damn it chris i love what he said in the four though he said he talked about how snl could easily find white comedians because

of institutions but don't have an idea where to find funny black people so how difficult is it for a black comedian to be discovered for just like what he said like you find them in an institution you find the funny bitches at the DMV and that's real talk like uh Barbara Carlisle I will always mention Barbara Carlisle because Barbara Carlisle when I was coming out was one of the biggest female coming like so freaking funny like funny as hell. How she didn't blow up, you know what I'm saying? Because she didn't have the same opportunities as maybe a white female comic can get seen easier. They get the laugh at three spots in the comedy store

and the cellar and all of that stuff. And really, like, we have to vouch for each other. Like, at the cellar, I had to vouch for Yamanika. to vouch for, I always say her name wrong. Yamanika. Yamanika. I always say her name wrong. She loves that I mess her name up, but she'd be like, you know how to say my name, bitch. One of the, man, when I say Yamanika. Yamanika.

See? And she going to be like, God damn it, Leslie. So funny. Oh, one of my favorite. I love Yamanika. Oh, she's so funny. So, and she don't care she will just tell you tell her but at first they weren't gonna let her in the cellar so i was like yo if i hadn't got snl that would be

me so let her in you got white comics down there talking about having sex with their wife with a christmas roll and you talk about she's blue no fuck that put her up so you know it's it's like that's it's just that type of community you know it's that type of community but but you know chris chris knew what he was so does it take somebody like a chris to say yo you need to put her on well now i mean nowadays now it's different now we're getting a lot more love but back in the day yeah you you got to get introduced through a male you know that's how it is old boys club every comedian always talk about bad promoters and promoters are always bad in the comedy world yeah how bad was it for you shy oh very and like and

i'm just to tell you i'm pretty sure just to tell shysty ass promoters they bad for everybody but for women it's extra it's an extra layer there because oh god i hate to say it like this because it was really hard in the beginning because promoters you know you have some of the promoters that think they're gonna get to fuck you or either like that you that that you are being brought for them to fuck you know i remember and i'm not going to mention this comic but when you hear the story he gonna fucking know who he is but i remember but because i was all the reason that man i came from hoes pimps and crackheads and drug dealers you comedy niggas is jokes y'all niggas are clowns like i wouldn't fuck you with my enemies pussy and i don't like that bitch you know i'm saying fuck her with a hard dick but not yours so

so so you would like when i first came it was like if you if there was a headline and they want you to go on the road it's like are you fucking are you fucking it used to be like that but i would get on the road because i was funny but you you definitely would have the moments where hey why you not being nice to the promoter the promoter like you why you not being nice to the promoter i mean that that is 72. and he has on my grandfather's suit damn what the you think i'm gonna the promoter what what what deal is you making you know i mean that type of or the hotels like i remember another comment we're all on the same hallway and they didn't get no because they didn't get no bitches because they're not gonna get no bitches and they're like oh we just trying to figure out

who gonna get to come to leslie's room i said none of you hoes and what was so funny is that i actually was hooking up with somebody tonight and that motherfucker walked right down the hallway and i opened up the door it's like yeah that's who gets the pussy not you dirty niggas damn like you dirty dick. Okay. Okay. You don't have to cut all that. I even had a comedian come to my room to give me my money.

And my homegirl was there. We would come to my room and say, Hey, so you got your friend here. So y'all want to have what? What? What makes you think'all want to have... What? What? What makes you think that somebody want to fuck you, you light-skinned piece of shit?

Damn. No, and any comic you ask about me, we'll tell you I am that bitch. Yeah, we don't fuck with us. You know, it's so funny what you talk about with the money thing. That's what I'm always concerned about with women and promoters because I'm always like, when promot be short they'll they're more than likely to be like i'm not giving her her money because i don't feel like nothing gonna happen

oh i she's talking about worse shows and i'm gonna mention everybody name in this shit okay so i'm in new york new york you know it's not that many women when i was doing it it's a few and we get them shows or whatever and yes i did a show for ray dejon ray so he books me in brooklyn right and it's i remember it was drew frazier somebody else and i don't remember who this promoter's name was but he i guess because i was a female and the crowd wasn't good so drew went up he did all right another comedian went up and they wasn't really doing that well so he comes over to me and he goes yo just do 10 minutes just do 10 minutes because he didn't know me so he's like just do 10 minutes and i was like okay well no problem and he was like i'll pay you when you get off stage so i was like all right all. So I get on stage and I'm ripping.

I'm destroying. 10 minutes, I got off. Why the fuck you get off stage? Why the fuck you get off stage? I was like, dude, you told me to, because he literally came up and said, I don't think I'm going to have all the money, just do 10 minutes.

So I was like, you just told me to do 10 minutes. He's like, no, you were killing. No, fuck that, fuck that. I'm not paying you. So I'm just like, new to New York you so I'm just like new to New York and I'm just like dude like and so I go to Ray Dijon and I was like yo this motherfucker's not gonna pay me you book me what the fuck Ray and he was like

yeah I'm talking to you I don't know I said what the fuck so I called Rob Stapleton salute to Rob I love Rob Stapleton Rob Stapleton called Big Biff and I don't know where Biff is now today, but he called Big Biff, and they got out that car,

Big Biff's hand was around that promoter's neck so fast. And then he was like, you gonna do a fucking female like that, motherfucker? And he was like, no, dude. It wasn't like that. She just wasn't patient enough to wait for my fucking money. Like, real talk, they do think that they can punk punk uh people i've had had a lot of had a lot of promotion in atlanta oh so when you're

paying all my money so so how much i owe you i only owe you 600 no you owe me 1100 keep counting okay no ride to the airport damn like shit like that oh no i have been left at venues oh the car leaving okay i'm the female you should wait for the female oh they went back to the hotel really oh no it's a lot of shit and that's why that's why i always say now because i'm sure it's a little different now because women do speak up but i always tell male comedians when you're on the road with a female fucking look out for her that's right look out for her because like like i know a lot of female comedians that's been raped that's been fucking uh like hurt beat up slapped by other comedians and you know who you are damn real talk like it's like it's another battle it's another

battle because we are women but like i said i'm a big six feet you know she gotta go she gotta go in like five minutes okay hold on a couple more questions from the book you wrote your first joke in 97 right but didn't use it until 2010 why weren't you confident in performing that material it wasn't my first joke it was my first real joke okay so because the same thing but jamie said you won't have enough skill to tell that joke yet you know or you don't like after and it's real talk after my parents passed away after my brother after my brother died i that's when i was like i'm doing all that shit so it's like you have to have some type of hunger too and and you are talented enough

to do your material but there are some jokes that are more advanced when you write it that you got, okay, I'm going to do that in a couple of years or either you're going to give it to someone else. But, um, my first real joke was from a bad date.

Um, and I was sitting in the middle of the living room eating cold Chinese food and I had three bad dates in a row that week. So I was sitting there and I was like, this is some bullshit. Like, back in the slave days,

I'm like a Mandingo. I would have all of the good, all the good dick. I would have, I would never be single. I would never fucking be single. Like, I just wouldn't.

Like, I would get all the Denzels. I would get all the Shacks. I would get Kimbo Slice. And then every nine months, I'm like, I don't know the Denzel's I would get all the shacks I would get Kimbo slice and then every nine months I just wouldn't be single I would my cart would be full, you know, look at my teeth. So you got all your teeth look nice You know, I'm have kids with good teeth so you you in the book with welcome to my funeral why why is that because i mean how every time you see a celebrity funeral don't you go they didn't plan that like they had

aretha and whitney's funeral was so long jesus was like why they not here yet so i specifically wrote how i want my fucking funeral okay you know just i just you i specifically wrote how i want my funeral okay you know just i just you know that's how i want my funeral if we're gonna have a long funeral let's make it a goddamn event yeah yeah and i've always wanted to be burnt like a warrior you mean cremated cremated nope burnt like a warrior like with the the arrows like you know how they make that spiff in game of thrones and then they put you on the top and they set the eyeball that's exactly

how I want to go why not motherfucker they don't do that anymore why not why not it's your funeral you're right

exactly what the fuck you gonna ask I'm dead don't give a fuck respect my goddamn wishes respect my wishes I want to be fucking

like King Tutton this motherfucker and I want a bitch to walk King Tut in this motherfucker. And I want a bitch to walk in with some dragon eggs and come out with dragons. Now, I know you got to go, but are you going to be the host of the Daily Show? You're doing it all next week. I don't know.

Do you want? I mean, was that something you would want? You know what? I'm not going to lie. I think I'd be pretty good at it. And I think nighttime is ready for a black woman ready for one that's ready too to go do it because I feel like

I've been built for that shit like I call myself the 2000 year old woman because I've been through every decade but I feel like they need somebody

who is can bring joy and bring laughter and and and inform people in a way that they like take their medicine

with some the candy. It's time to bring some laughter back to life, period. It's time for everybody to stop being so fucking offended. How about, this is what I want to say. Everybody has been acting for the last five years like a motherfucking five-year-old. Everybody needs to stop the what about me shit because it's just starting to become ridiculous at this point.

And grow the fuck up. Grow the fuck up. I am sick of it. Y'all sick of it. And you know you showing your ass. Act like a motherfucking grown up. You know what's right. You know what's wrong.

Stop acting like a fucking five-year-old. And that's what our society is acting right like now and you know like i everybody in here know it always be a black woman that come and go knock it off fix it pop pop that's right that's right it was estero remember neil carter oprah winfrey you know we got all our sisters that came in just let's get this shit right back. That's right. What y'all doing? Daily Show would allow you to platform to do that.

Man, yes. I like the piece on therapy. I feel like I want to talk to men, too. And I'm going to give y'all so much permission to fucking learn and advance to where we are. We're doing the work. Men are not doing the work. And I'm going to say it as women. Like we doing the work. Men are not doing the work and I'm going to say it. Y'all not doing the work. And let me just say this too. Y'all don't know shit about pussy.

It's one of your favorite things. It's one of your favorite things. You don't know shit. I don't understand how you don't know shit about pussy. Or if your dick is working properly. What should we know, though? First of all, go to the doctor. Put your nuts in a doctor's hand and cough to the fucking left. Find out what's wrong with your dick first.

There's a lot of... No, I'm being very honest. I've been hooking up, and dudes' dicks are not working properly. Y'all done ate all that fucking McDonald's and all that shit. You ain't drinking water. You're not fucking taking care of yourself. And that's your dick. That's like one of your prized possessions.

You go get your car checked. You won't get your dick checked. And then get mad at us when your dick don't work. Don't get mad at me. That's your department. That's your department. That's real. Go get your dick checked.

And then go get your dick check and then and then go get your mind checked stop showing up to tinder dates expecting me to solve your fucking dilemma i show up for dick and you throw me a rubik's cube of your fucked up ass shit like i don't know why your daddy don't love you you know what i'm saying your mind affects your dick it affects your dick it affects your dick do you think you're gonna be walking around sad and depressed and your dick it affects your dick it affects your dick do you think you're gonna be walking around sad and depressed and your dick is just gonna be out out here while and no it's not it's sad like you so take care of your dick i really believe that's a lot of problems with these with these um podcast dudes and these passport bros y'all don't know how to fuck a woman correctly and then when

she tell you that now she ain't shit no go learn how to fuck i bet you to solve a lot of problems between us because y'all don't know how to fuck and you're mad because we do this is the best mental health promo i ever heard i'm being honest with y'all. Let us speak. No, you're right. No, I am being so honest. I really believe that a lot of friction is now women are going, we are tired of bad sex, and we're tired of being quiet about bad sex. I had some bad sex two nights ago. Two nights ago? At the Ritz.

I told that motherfucker to get the fuck out. How dare you fuck me like that at the Ritz? The goddamn Empire State Building is right there. How you fuck me like that in front ofitz? The goddamn Empire State Building is right there. How you fuck me like that in front of the Empire State Building? The fuck out of here. Poor guy. Well, at least it ain't no surprise to him. He's not hearing this for the first time.

Trust me. Jesus. You know who you are. Leslie fucking Jones ladies and gentlemen go get her book right now make sure you watch her on the daily show

all next week hosting the daily show and to that gentleman she's talking about going to get therapy you're going to need some help lord have mercy all that

where do they find you Leslie at Les Dog yes at Les Dog I think it's like 4 G's on Instagram 3 G's on Twitter and what I usually say is why is that

because i'm a motherfucking g there you go that's right the book is the book available everywhere now yes oh the audio is kicking because the audio is different because i don't really read it i just tell the stories so it's really good yeah yeah so if you just don't want to read you should read that's right you should read learn That's right. You should read. Learn how to cursive write, too. It's Leslie Jones. Leslie fucking Jones. It's The Breakfast Club.

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