The Breakfast Club - INTERVIEW: Queen Afua & Stephanie McGraw On Speaking Out Against Domestic Violence, Healing, W.A.R.M. + More

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

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Hey, what's up? This is Ramses Jha. And I go by the name Q Ward. And we'd like you to join us each week for our show, Civic Cipher. That's right. We discuss social issues, especially those that affect black and brown people, but in a way that informs and empowers all people. We discuss everything from prejudice to politics to police violence, and we try to give you the tools to create positive change in your home, workplace, and social circle.

We're going to learn how to become better allies to each other. So join us each Saturday for Civic Cipher on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. Niminy here. I'm the host of a brand-new history podcast for kids and families called Historical Records. Executive produced by Questlove, The Story Pirates, and John Glickman,

Historical Records brings history to life through hip-hop. Flash, slam, another one gone. Bash, bam, another one gone. The crack of the bat and another one gone. The tip of the cap, there's another one gone. Each episode is about a different, inspiring figure from history, like this one about Claudette Colvin, a 15-year-old girl in Alabama

who refused to give up her seat on the city bus nine whole months before Rosa Parks did the same thing. Check it. And it began with me. Did you know, did you know? I wouldn't give up my seat. Nine months before Rosa, it was Claudette Colvin. Get the kids in your life excited about history by tuning in to Historical Records. Because in order to make history, you have to make some noise.

Listen to Historical Records on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Wake that ass up in the morning. The Breakfast Club. Morning, everybody. It's DJj nv charlamagne the guy we are the breakfast club we got some special guests joining us this morning yes indeed we have queen of four welcome back so glad to be back and stephanie mcgraw welcome thank you for having me now you have an event this thursday october 5th at harlem hospital well first of all how are you guys doing excellent y'all said that together. I like to hear that. I like to hear excellent. Excellent.

Well, it's excellent. It feels so good in here. Thank you so much for having us. You've always supported the wellness for our community. So thank you. And I'm, I'm welcome to see y'all. I'm welcome to see y'all together. We are partnering in WARM, a work of WARM as we're coming forth to bring awareness to domestic violence month. And within that, in October, it's happening right now. On Thursday the 5th, we're coming to a spectacular work. It's the Day of Harlem Healing. What is that? Tell us what that is.

Well, we're coming together and we're going to share ways in which to protect ourselves, to heal ourselves. And it's a family affair although the women you know you have all the women that have been challenged they've been murdered basically in their own homes so there's violence in our homes and we have to heal as people as family so it's not we're pointing the finger at our men but we're looking at us as a community what can we all do collectively to protect one another because when you take a woman's life you're taking your own life and then the children are highly in danger so we're coming together as me a holistic healer for the last 50 years and you're doing your work in community building and not-for-profit and warm but it's been over 12 years in Harlem. It's been actually 13 years. 13, okay. Yes, this is 13. I gave birth to Warm in 2010, coming out of this cycle of domestic violence.

And when I came back to Harlem, I didn't see any women that looked like me. I didn't see any representation of women of color. And I certainly didn't see any lived experience women. Where I come from, it is you are to be quiet and it is a shame and we're saying that domestic violence is not a shame it's a crime and we want to expose it for what it is because women are dying this book right here every woman in this book has been murdered we did the candlelight vigils did the funerals for mother and children so it's a critical issue here and I'm so honored to for you to have us here.

And one of the things that we want to talk about is it's important to feel. You got to feel first. Then you got to deal. And then you got to come to that table of healing our body, mind, and spirit. So that's what we're going to do in Harlem this year. In Harlem on October 5th is bring our community together because we've been devastated. We live in deserts, right? We live where our women and children are in battlefields. They're in a war. So we want to bring some kind of restitution,

some kind of understanding of peace so you can get out. But you're not going to get out until you move that muscle because when you move the muscle, the thought is going to move with it so we want to give them an opportunity to come in and start the process of healing because that's the only way out let me ask you a question when you i mean i'm sure you speak to families and when you deal with people that's been affected by domestic violence right especially now coach black men why don't you think people shun them enough or shove those cases enough? A lot of times you see a lot of domestic violence cases get swept under the rug. A lot of times you see domestic violent cases, people get, they plead out to

lesser charges. Why do you think that happens so much in our community? And why don't you think people speak up about what's going on so much? Because when you hear domestic violence, it's usually a man that has a low ego, low self-esteem, and they try to take it out on somebody that they can, that they feel that they can beat, that can't beat them back. So why don't you think it's, it's spoken about more in our community? Well, the first thing is that it is, it is an uncomfortable conversation. And a lot of times, because we're dealing with women and children who are still considered to be second-class citizens in the world,

so they don't take it serious enough. It's like, okay, well, it just happened. The brother got a little upset. It's not that bad. But we're saying that it is bad. It is a human rights issue now because women and children are being murdered. This book right here, all these women didn't make it out. And one of the things that, you know, in our community, there's just so much. There's a lack.

There's no resources there. So that's why I came back to Harlem because there wasn't anything in Harlem for women like me that looked like me. So we opened up the floodgates and God has sent hundreds and thousands of his children in. Who are some of the people y'all gonna have at the event? Oh, we're gonna have, well, both of us are gonna be there. Yes, both of us will be there, yes. And then we're gonna have Chyna. Chyna is the CEO of Dollhouse Cosmetics. And we invited her because she overcame domestic violence. Yes, she did. And as a result, she became an entrepreneur to let you know that there's a future,

even though you've been beat down and hurt and wounded in your own home, that you can rise up, you can overcome. And she has a healthy relationship now. So that's an example. Then we have our moderator, Bebe Smith. And she has a healthy relationship now. So that's an example. Then we have a moderator, B.B. Smith. She's going to moderate everything. And then we have Dr. Jeffrey Gennard. So he's going to be there and he's going to talk about the psychology and the emotions of it. I'm going to be talking about a way to bring medicine in our own homes. Food is medicine. It's

my specialty. And a lot of the anger and the stresses is what we're eating and what's eating at us and so we're reacting one of the things i had asked you i said well what time when does this happen the violence and you said on the weekend so that's after having some alcohol and some you know something to numb the hurt women and men are numbing a lot of the hurt and so but then it doesn't numb out it It actually expresses itself further out. So I have a whole campaign of detoxing. We can detox the woundedness, the hurt. And there's a study that was done in Britain. I would like to just read out very quickly. Those involved in the trial said success on a health level that in the prison system, when they tested it and they started giving more minerals and vitamins in the prison system, they found that the crime went down within the system

and the violence went down and the stealing from one another went down. So a lot of it's chemically induced. We're not really eating real food. We're eating processed food and toxic food and fast food and all of that over just a normal way of everyday eating is having us going off, being short, fighting one another. And then women are ashamed. They don't want to talk about it. They're not talking about it out loud. I went through a domestic abuse situation. I was in my 20s. And so I really know about trying to keep the family together no matter what. And it could be to your death your detriment and so I had to come out of it my daughter said at three years old because it's we think it's just a husband and

wife the children are suffering my dad three years old said mom we have to go to grandmother's so that means the children are really feeling the same thing that the parents are feeling they're feeling lost they're feeling frightened they're feeling scared and we got to show them show them that we can work together women and men can work together to heal our conditions. It's not about pointing the finger at them and those, but it's to say, what can we all do? And that's what Thursday is all about.

So thank you for having us. We're bringing attention that we can de-stress. We can release our anger in a positive way. Maybe walking. Maybe, you know, working together, fasting and cleansing. So I'm doing a seven- day at the end of October. At the end of October, yes. We're going to come together.

I'm going to launch at Warm at your location on 26th Street. We're in Harlem, yes. And we're going to launch our seven day detox. Not seven too much, not 21 days. Can we do seven days? And every night we'll be talking to the women, them strengthening them because I always see the women as the healers of the home the women can heal and if they raise their vibration strong enough and we all come together then our men will respond to us differently

because we'll be able to help them we'll be able to walk them off the edge walk them over the bridge help them to detox just something a green juice every day will stress bring the stress levels all the way down. A healing bath would have you not fight against yourself, but go inside and say, what are my issues? What did I carry over through my mother and father fight? And I'm bringing that into my house in this generation. And then it just keeps going from generation to generation. Because you talked about the vicious cycle within your own family, you know, that we've gone through.

We have a passion for this because we went through it ourselves. You know, somebody might say, well, you know, why should we have to help the men that are going through their own problems and beating us? Why should we have to be the person to stop them from doing that? What would you say to that woman and people out there listening, you know? I would say that it is our duty to help our men. It is our obligation to help our men. It is our obligation to help our men. It is what we the healing and eating right and fasting and praying.

And if we don't bring our men into this equation of healing, then who are we going to turn to? So it is our obligation to tell our brothers, look, and it is your obligation to tell your brothers, your brother, that's domestic violence. For 30-something years, I've been living

in this world and I didn't have the identification. It wasn't talked about. So we just thought, that's domestic violence for 30 something years I'm in the living in this world and I didn't have the identification it wasn't talked about so we just thought that's what happened in the household right that's what my mother and my father do so what our job is to bring our brothers into this equation so yes it is my obligation to say yeah you did something wrong but who who am I to judge you for what you did? We know hurt people hurt people. So we want our brothers to say, it's a space. There's a time. There's a way out of this. And that is to come together and start this process of healing. And it's about forgiveness. It's about redemption. Okay. It is not about blame. That's all we did in our life. We deny,

we deflect, and we dismiss. We're not doing that no longer. We're taking responsibility for our actions, and then we're gently softening and telling them, you have to take responsibility for your action. Because a man or a woman or anybody that's not accountable is very dangerous. So that is our job, to make ourselves first. You're not saying that if a woman is in that situation and she's receiving abuse from the man, she should just stay there and try to help the man.

No. No, we're saying get out. We can get you out. Let's get you out so you can get you some help. And thank you, brother, for bringing that around. Get you some help. And let us get you. Because you can't.

What they say when you get on a plane. Put your oxygen on first. That's right. Okay. If I'm not breathing, then nobody's breathing. So I got to breathe first. Then, brother, let me come back and help you. I had to get out.

I wanted to, you know, I had a conversation with one of my abusers. I'm not mentioning no names. And I asked him, why were you violating me like that? And he said he was beating his mother. I'm used to all the issues. And he just passed. I just like, okay, God, you right now, that statement, I got to go back and be available for our brothers

because they are hurting. It's deep. It ain't just happened. I get an abuse relationship. It just happened. That thing happened when I was five years old. It was implanted and it was in depth. It was birthed in me because I seen it.

You know, when you spill something on the sofa, you see the little stain, but you don't see it. That thing is steep down in there. He had a, from that moment on, he probably had a love-hate relationship with black women. Yes, absolutely. And I got it, okay? But I was so grateful that God gave me the opportunity to heal

so I could have that conversation with that brother and not hate and not dislike him because I would have never got the gift that I received from him. Wow. Yeah. Wow, wow, wow. If somebody wants to get involved, how can they? Thank you for asking that question. So WARM is a 5OC domestic violence organization. We're at 8 West 126th Street.

That's between Lenox and 5th. We are open 9 to 6. We work on Saturdays from 9 to 2. But if you want to get involved, you can reach out to us at wearereallymatter at gmail.com. Or you can find us on Instagram. That's WARM NYC. We need everybody involved like i said at the top of this segment this is a human issue this is not just a domestic violence issue or man it's a human issue and it's affecting us from around the world so we just encourage everybody to us at 917-736-1621 or 917-736-0680. I also want to ask, you know, a lot of women, I'm sure,

feel like, like you said earlier, like, you know, I mean, this is my family. I don't want to do this to my kids. I don't want to break up the family. So what would you tell a woman out there that's listening right now that might be going through similar situations, might be being abused mentally, might be being abused physically? How would you tell them how to get out if they don't know how? They might feel, I don't have the finances to do it. I don't have anywhere to go. What do I do? What do I tell my kids?

So what would you say to that person listening right now? Well, it's both. It's not just you do one thing. It's a multitude of things. First, you have to say no more you have to be standing for yourself and your own quiet and soul and say i'm because my children will be damaged from this when when you spoke of the one of the last cases you said the husband took his life first took his wife's life then he took his one year old and then he murdered his

three-year-old so it goes the mother that. And he ended his life at the end of that. So it is something that we have to act now. There is someone right now who's listening to us and who's feeling, I don't know how to get out. You go to your mother, you go to your friend, you come to warm. You come to Queen of Four. We will, because everyone's case is not the same.

And sometimes you have help that you're not even realizing. Sometimes women are fighting with their own mothers, so they can't even go back to their mother's home for help. So we as the people must begin to heal. So every case is a bit different. We're saying everyone come out on Wednesday, on Thursday, because it's going to be around the world. Everyone can see it.

It's free. Those who can get into the building at Harlem Hospital. The fact that Harlem Hospital opened up your doors for us to be able to do something like this is saying that we need the community to be the healers too. It's not just the hospital is going to heal us. We as a people are going to have to heal us. And that's why it's not about fighting the men or fighting women. We need families. And you cannot have family with just women. You cannot have family with just men. You have to have men who are healed up. You have to have women who are healed up and prevent.

Don't wait until, because everyone's going through something. Sometimes yelling at someone will break someone's self-esteem. Someone's just pushing them. It seems so harmless. There's nothing to it. Sometimes they'll yoke. They'll fight all of this. Probably everyone who's coming out, they'll say, it happened to me at least once in my life.

But maybe we can stop that when we start talking about it and remove the shame and so if we remove the shame and say this is what we're going through let's work it out what i have is it says black women are in a state of emergency but families are in a state of emergency and the spirit of domestic violence month i'm saying get out the trap overcome now be the change that i'm a change maker. We all be change makers and do our portion. So on the October 27th, this is like part one. Part one is let's get all to Harlem. The drums will be playing. Yes, they will.

You know, Bob Ward's coming out. Yes, indeed. Who else is coming? Erica Ford is coming. We are unifying. It's not like one organization or one group of healers. We're united. Breakfast Club saying, I am supporting us.

This is a big deal because we respect you. We love you and we honor you and you honor us as a people. So you're allowing us to be here. Now it's going to help to stop some of the violence. They know that this is like a call out. This from here is the drum call. So let's work together. We're not pointing the finger. Men, you don't

have to be ashamed. Women, you don't have to be ashamed. Femmes, don't have to be ashamed. The children can call their grandmothers. They can call their friends. Sometimes children are being told, don't you say nothing. You be quiet. And then they grow up with all that rage inside of them and they start beating up their teenage girlfriends and then just continues to

perpetuate and we're married into a nightmare. And I'm saying we don't have to live in a nightmare. We can overcome. So we ask you to be a part of the Women Heal Thyself seven-day life detox. We're detoxing our lives mentally, emotionally, spiritually, socially, working together. You take them off the street.

I met one of the sisters whose babies, her twins, you just took her in and found a hotel for her to be for the night and give her the support that she needed. We're the critical response team. We go out at night to rescue women. We have women in our center. If you come up and visit, which I

am inviting you both to come to the center and visit to see what God has allowed me to build. So every brick that was thrown at me, God has used it to see what God has allowed me to build. So every brick that was thrown at me, God has used it to build the foundation that we have. And so I am now being able to use my life as a classroom. So I go above and beyond because I know how it was for me. And I didn't have those things in place when I was coming out. So I created something for women and we, we go out with the police, we go and they are, they use us because there's no one else there.

They call us at 11 o'clock at night. Sometimes I get out my bed because I live five blocks from my office. I'll walk over there, but we are now at a place where we need a building because we are expanding right now. And the need is so critical. You uh just last week you know last year we had uh lisa she was um asia was murdered she was uh walking her baby on 100 on 95th street and her ex-boyfriend came up to her murdered her and she was strolling her three-month-old baby this is real serious and he was in a gang so we had to move the mother and the family out my team went in there packed

them up got their stuff out took it to storage and then got them to the safe location that's who we are we are on the scene we embedded and invested in our community because it's the unity that we have to bring to our people that's been uh it's it's just been something that just has not uh we haven't experienced it in a long time. Did they get the guy? They got him. Yes, they did. Okay, okay, okay.

Yes, they did. So your boots on the street. Yes. You're just out there. Boots on the ground. Boots on the ground. Well, tell them about the event and the time and where people can come and how they can get involved. How they can contact you, all that stuff.

Absolutely. Yes, thank you. So it's going to be at Harlem Hospital. The door's open at 530. We're asking everyone to come. Make it a date night with your girlfriend, with your children, with your man, with your grandmother, with your aunt. Come out as a community.

It's going to be at Harlem Hospital. That's 506 Lenox Avenue. Again, the door's open at 530. It will be in the auditorium on the second floor. If you need more information, you can go to warmwearereallymatter at gmail.com. Or you can reach out to us on Instagram. That's warmnyc. And we will be there.

We will be offering Summer Queen's amazing tonics and detox. And because for myself, you know, I didn't know how to grieve. I did not because they told us, you know, you get a little shot of alcohol, get you a little joint. That's how you do it. So I didn't know how it was. OK, I put on 10 pounds of betrayal because I didn't know how to get in touch with what betrayal felt like, how to process it out. So what I did, ate Haagen-Dazs ice cream, chocolate cake every night because I didn't know how to. Until I got in touch with Queen in 2016, I crawled into her, broken down.

And I got into the Queen of Sacred Woman training. I graduated as a sacred woman in 2016. And my whole life was shifted and changed. So I promote healthy eating because I know for myself, I can't get what God got me if I'm clogged up. I got to keep this vessel clean to receive the messages. It's serious like that. What we're dealing with now is spiritual in nature.

A good old steak is not going to fix me from getting, getting in a, out of a bad relationship. But I know, I know if I get on my knees and ask God to guide me out, you can't take something, uh, a spiritual and fix it with something material.

It's just not going to work. So working with queen has been one of my greatest gifts. And I give that what she gave me to the women. It's all gravy. I love it. I love what I do. Well, we appreciate you guys so much for joining us this morning. Thank you so much. But also for those who want to change their lives now and they see they're in trouble, that they can make that shift. They can join us in a seven day detox and make it a community of wellness. So the women are coming and getting well, but also our men are getting well. Our people are getting well.

So check out queenofwood.com. You can register for the seven day detox that's coming up and be a part of the change. And if you have an organization that the women are stressing out, you know it's time to bring those women together so they can help the other women and help our families and our community to build up. So we're just so grateful that you have us today. We're going to pass the word. You're passing the word globally. Absolutely. Queen of food. High respect.

Stephanie McGraw, thank you so much. And don't forget, the event is this Thursday, October 5th at Harlem Hospital, and it's The Breakfast Club. Good morning. Wake that ass up. Early in the morning. The Breakfast Club. Hey, what's up? This is Ramses Jha.

And I go by the name Q Ward. And we'd like you to join us each week for our show, Civic Cipher. That's right. We discuss social issues, especially those that affect black and brown people, but in a way that informs and empowers all people. We discuss everything from prejudice to politics to police violence. And we try to give you the tools to create positive change in your home, workplace and social circle. We're going to learn how to become better allies to each other. So join us each Saturday for Civic Cipher on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcast.

Hey, y'all. Niminy here. I'm the host of a brand new history podcast for kids and families called Historical Records. Executive produced by Questlove, The Story Pirates, and John Glickman, Historical Records brings history to life through hip-hop. Flash, slam, another one gone. Bash, bam, another one gone. The crack of the bat and another one gone. The tip of the cap, there's another one gone. Each episode is about a different, inspiring figure from history, like this one about Claudette Colvin,

a 15-year-old girl in Alabama who refused to give up her seat on the city bus nine whole months before Rosa Parks did the same thing. Check it. And it began with me. Did you know, did you know? I wouldn't give up my seat. Nine months before Rosa, it was called a moment.

Get the kids in your life excited about history by tuning in to Historical Records. Because in order to make history, you have to make some noise. Listen to Historical Records on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.