The Breakfast Club - The Professional Homegirl Podcast: My Father's Mistress Killed My Mother

Episode Date: May 12, 2024

The Black Effect Presents... The Professional Homegirl Podcast! This episode contains discussions about sensitive subjects that may be difficult for some listeners, including topics such as violence and abuse. We want to ensure our audience is aware of the nature of these discussions and encourages you to prioritize your well-being. Listener discretion is advised. In this gripping episode of The Professional Homegirl Podcast, Eboné and her guest dive into a story that is both tragic and courageous. Eboné's guest bravely shares her deeply personal journey of navigating the aftermath of her mother's murder at the hands of her father's mistress. With raw honesty, Eboné's guest recounts the complexities of emotions, from shock and disbelief to anger and profound sadness. Through her narrative, listeners gain insight into the ripple effects of domestic violence and betrayal within a family dynamic. Furthermore, Eboné's guest fearlessly unveils long-held family secrets, illuminating the hidden truths that molded her upbringing, all the while delving into the theme of forgiveness as our guest wrestles with the unfathomable. Connect with Eboné: Read Eboné's Love Letters: www.theyalltheone.com  Website: www.thephgpodcast.com Instagram: @theprofessionalhomegirl & @thephgpodcast TikTok & Twitter: @theprofessionalhomegirl  Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@theprofessionalhomegirl Shop PHG: https://www.thephgpodcast.com/shopSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

Hey guys, I'm Kate Max. You might know me from my popular online series, The Running Interview Show, where I run with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and more. After those runs, the conversations keep going. That's what my podcast, Post Run High, is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. own? I planted the flag. This is mine. I own this. It's surprisingly easy. 55 gallons of water,

500 pounds of concrete. Or maybe not. No country willingly gives up their territory. Oh my God. What is that? Bullets. Listen to Escape from Zaka Stan. That's Escape from Z-A-Q-A-S-T-A-N on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. Niminy here. I'm the host of a brand new history podcast for kids and families called Historical Records. Executive produced by Questlove, The Story Pirates, and John Glickman, Historical Records brings history to life through hip-hop.

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you get your podcasts. Hey, what's up? This is Ramses Jha. And I go by the name Q Ward. And we'd like you to join us each week for our show Civic Cipher. That's right. We discuss social issues, especially those that affect black and brown people, but in a way that informs and empowers all people. We discuss everything from prejudice to politics to police violence, and we try to give you the tools to

create positive change in your home, workplace, and social circle. We're going to learn how to become better allies to each other. So join us each Saturday for Civic Cipher on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jenny Garth, Jana Kramer, Amy Robach, and TJ Holmes bring you I Do Part 2, a one-of-a-kind experiment in podcasting to help you find love again. Hey, I'm Jana Kramer. I'm Jenny Garth. Hi, everyone. I'm Amy Robach. And I'm TJ Holmes, and we are, well, not necessarily relationship experts.

If you're ready to dive back into the dating pool and find lasting love, we want to help. Listen to I Do Part Two on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts. This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advised. What's up professional homegirls? It's your professional homegirl Ebony and we are back for season two premiere. How are y'all doing? I hope all is cute. I am so excited for season two, if you couldn't tell. And I have so many great conversations for you all to hear. But before we start, let's do some housekeeping, okay? First and foremost, y'all, please make sure you subscribe to the YouTube page at The Professional Homegirl. Full videos of each episode are dropping every Friday. So please make sure to support because production costs ain't cheap. Okay.

Next up, follow the Instagram page at the PhD podcast. We are halfway to 10 K, even though I think we should already been there, but that's's another story and the goal is to hit it within this quarter I might even do some giveaways so if I do hold me down don't hold me up also we are adding a new segment to the show ask Eberne this would be your chance to ask me for some advice or if you want to send me some love or just share your thoughts on a previous episode you can now email me at hello at the psgpodcast.com and I'm also thinking about doing a solo episode really really soon so please email me your questions. Now before we start this week's episode because I know y'all feeling I want to give y'all some behind the scenes. This has been the hardest episode y'all I have ever done in a very very long time to the point where I didn't even want to put this episode out okay. Throughout the entire

episode there were times where I couldn't even find the words during the conversation because looking back I believe this episode triggered me. You know I always get asked how do I cover so many heavy topics? And to be honest, they don't really bother me unless it pertains to childhood. And during the conversation with my guest, the whole time I was thinking like, why did this happen to her, God? And I think what really triggered me was that, I don't know if you can hear it, but to me, it sounded like throughout our conversation, she reverted back to the age she was during that time I don't know maybe it's me but let me know your thoughts by emailing me at hello

at the phdpodcast.com and also y'all will be able to see my full expressions once the video drops on Friday so let me know your thoughts because I don't know I think that was the most difficult part was hearing how her her language and her tone changes throughout the conversation and you know the episode was so triggering that I didn't want to put it out like dead ass I spoke to my network about it during one of our meetings and I just wanted to get some feedback from them. And, you know, I damn near cried during that conversation with them because it was just so hard for me to even explain what I was experiencing during the conversation with my guests. I spoke to my producer, Taylor, about it, and he gave me his opinion as well as some different ways we can tackle it if I did decide to put it out. And honestly, after praying and just sitting in my thoughts, you know, the one thing that I kept hearing was this is your why.

This is the reason why you started the professional homegirl. And like I always say, you will never find another one better or better than a professional homegirl. So with that being said, season two premiere, My Father's Mistress Kills My Mother is starting now. So to my guests, thank you so much for being on the show. How are you doing? How are you feeling? I'm okay. Today has been a great day.

Oh, great is good. What happened today, if you don't mind sharing oh i got my money back okay what you got your taxes um no um someone opened some money and i had i had to run them down you know you gotta keep your money in your pocket you beat somebody up no No, I'm too old for that. I'll be 50 in a few months. You'll be 50? Oh, you see two old people on the ground and you have to help the bubble was up. You don't even look like you're about to be 50. Yeah, yeah. I'll be in a few months anyway. Okay, okay. If I don't speak to you, happy early birthday.

Thank you. The fact that you're about to turn 50, how does it feel sharing your story and what has if I don't speak to you, happy early birthday. Thank you. The fact that you're about to turn 50, how does it feel sharing your story and what has been the most significant aspect of your story? What's, oh my God, how I changed, it's how I changed in my 40s. Right.

I used to be so ashamed because, you know, you are taught to keep things in the family, don't used to be so ashamed because you are taught to keep things in the family. Don't talk to anybody about it. Especially in the black community. Yeah, but that is what contributes to the depression and the anxiety

because we keep it bottled up and make us feel as if we had played a part in the abuse right like that we did something and my theater said something to close it right like you blame yourself for it yes when you have to keep quiet um and i realized that no keeping quiet is only helping the telephone yeah and it causes and when you hold things like that in it can develop into mental illness yeah that's a fact that's a fact you know a lot of people who who do have mental illness something that does stem from trauma yes and keeping silent no no uh and plus that um and keeping silent

allows the pedophile to go from home to home or child to child abusing right now and i want to know who's the pedophile among me right um don't protect them they don't need protection the child needs protection right and how long you been sharing your story like have you recently started sharing or just recently um okay uh what made me want to share my story was just last year and i say like this is popping my head maybe i can do this maybe I can share my story too you know and plus watching other people's stories and make me feel like I'm not alone yeah even though I'm so I'm much older but still the feeling of shame and fear is still be with you even though you can live your life but it's always there yeah but share my story it helps yeah it has to leave stress I didn't

know that just talking about it can help you mentally and emotionally So you just started sharing your story a year ago? Yeah. Wow. So 40? Well, less than a year ago. Wow. So you've been holding on to the story for 49 years? Yes. Matter of fact, I just told my brother, well, about two months ago, about our oldest brother raping me and stuff not all my family know about the abuse right uh but the uh but my family members that live with me but not the ones on the outside and what did your brother say about that because i was going to bring that up later but since we're here what did your brother say um thing is um he was shocked um he he uh he basically like for real you know for real he did that to you um my sister-in-law said that i wish i had known about this earlier because that she used to beat him up when they were young and she said i would have just beat him up more for you right

wait you're you say your sister-in-law so she's not married to the brother that was sexually abusing oh okay okay no no uh this is another lady uh the one who's sexual abuse man he never married where is he at now oh where he should be dead wow he died but then yes though he died a good death. He died from a heart attack. Mm. That's right. Wow. You know, when I heard your story, the moment I was able to catch my breath, you exposed something else.

And I'm just like, this can't be real. Like, I feel like from the age of five to maybe in your, like, your 20s, I feel like it was just non-stop it was non-stop and and then when i allow myself just to think about my life i'm thinking it's surprised i'm surprised that i i have a sanity yeah i'm surprised you're still here. Yeah. Yeah. But that doesn't mean that, you know, I didn't have trouble being here because that five years old was when I first was molested, was also was the age that I first attempted suicide. Five years old. And I don't know what I know, how I knew about death and suicide, but I tried taking a lot of Tylenol. You know what's so crazy?

Did you used to watch a lot of cartoons? I'm pretty sure you used to watch a lot of cartoons, right? Mm-hmm. It may have came from cartoons. I had a conversation with one of my guests, and she tried to commit suicide when she was a kid and she took a lot of pills too so i was like and she was like doing all these interviews and i'm like how did she know take these pills so when i asked her she was like nobody ever asked me that she said

i learned from um watching the cartoons really that's probably what i learned it from yeah or she was just like i i knew that if i was to stop, if I take one pill, it'll stop the headache. So she was like, I knew if I was to take more, maybe it'll stop me. I just thought about dying. I didn't think about no headache.

Yeah. I just wanted the pain to stop. Yeah. So let's start from the beginning. Tell us about your family life before the tragic incident. Because I feel like you had a good family the way that you were describing it. It was. Before my mother died, she died also when I was five.

I lived with my mother and my father and my grandpa. My mother worked, my dad worked, and my grandfather lived with us. Was he sick or my grandfather yeah or was he just older just old okay uh he was just old um no uh at that time he did eventually develop diabetes but that was years later he did that uh but before then um it was just normal uh my mama she uh she used to um treat me like a little doll i was her only girl she had four kids and i was her only girl uh reason why that i can uh which one i know she did this so that's one of the things that my auntie and my grandfather told me reason why they hated me is because my mother treated me this way right and other people told me too about how that my mother always had my hair done well you was her baby girl um she just uh she was just proud

of her only daughter yeah what was your relationship like, your mom and dad? From what I remember or felt during that time, it was good until my daddy wanted to cheat. Right. Yeah. I remember, the only reason why, I don't remember the whole thing, but I remember little clips and then other people filled in those clips for me is that um when my daddy was screaming and then my mother was running towards him with something her hand so later on with people talking about the event then i remember oh okay that one was going on my my daddy wanted my mama to stay home um because that you know they later find out because that he

was meeting up with another woman at this place and my mother was going and so he hit her and so she got an iron skillet and so hitting him with and she hit him with an iron skid that he took off running um because it um he thought that she was just going to beat him to death because, you know, hit my mama and you're going to get dealt with. Right, right, right. You know, she was a small woman, but she defended herself. But they said that's the only time they would really have conflicts is when he wanted to go see other women. So was he always a cheater? I mean, I guess most of the cheats are always a cheater.

As far as I know, that was the only time he cheated. Well, I said as far as I know. But I'm pretty sure he probably cheated on me and the women. And do you think your mom knew about his cheating? Yes.

That's the reason why she died. Before the incident, I'm talking about before then, did she... Yes, her and the ladies, they had gotten into a physical fight before. People in the neighborhood, they would come up and just start talking about my mother,

telling me about it because no one said anything bad about my mom except for my auntie. But everyone else, they knew her. They said they loved her and how kind she was and quiet right then they were telling me about the lady who killed my mother it's because that she was messing around with my daddy and when she sees my mother she would

start picking at my mom and my mama wouldn't say anything back to her. My mama would try to ignore her. Just go ahead on her business. But I guess she got too close to my mama one time. Then my mama jumped on her. You know, it's only so much picking you can tolerate. You know, they said that people always told that lady to just leave my mama alone. You know? Right.

So tell us about the day of of the when she killed her mom i remember the night because i said i remember just crying begging my mother to stay home i want to uh i would beg i said i want my mama i want you to stay home i don't remember the color of the outfit but i do remember seeing one of her shoulders out and she having her hurt done and you know because you remember bits and pieces but you don't remember everything right but i remember that part and then i was crying so much wanting her to stay as i remember somebody telling me to just shut up stop acting you know stop acting like a spoiled child right and my mother left left out and this last time i seen she went down what we call the hole and um she went to a house party um and at the house party they were playing dominoes

and my mother was just standing around the table just watching them playing dominoes that night right and then the lady that uh nadine uh lucille and what we could call uh another one we call mini pearl the three of them they walked into to the house they were in and everybody said they had forgot that my mom was even there because she was so quiet she just didn't they're looking and then they realized she was still up there when they started picking on her they got into it and they said that they told my mama don't fight over junior that's my daddy don't fight over him but at some point the three ladies left and then when they left and um they said that more than one person told me this they said that my mama said that they think she can have two i'm i'm going home and i'm going to go home and take care of my babies my mama did

have a knife on her and the knife she had when she got ready to leave she threw it in the ground why it was still sticking up in the ground because she was disarming herself and she was saying that i'm not going to fight i'm going to i'm not going to argue with these women i'm right she was done she was through with it she want my daddy she's going to have her because she was planning on kicking my daddy out just leaving the relationship but the way is the the whole set up the lady she lived down on the opposite end of the road that leads out of the home but in front of her house the train tracks were over there and she was able to cross the railroad tracks down the path um because she um she i guess that uh she knew that my mama was leaving right and this is the only way my mama could get out is go down

this road and then when she ran those three ladies ran home got a gun down there in front of her how they crossed over to their path and they ran down there and beat my mama down to the end of the road and as my mama was walking home they jumped out of the bushes. They jumped out of there. The lady told my mama, don't you move. And my mama tried to walk around the three women. And that way she shot my mom in the heart. Wow. How do you know this?

You just getting bits and pieces from everybody? Yeah. People who witnessed this because i asked right um bradley is a small area and i knew i knew the ground people uh i asked later on like when i was five right right then i asked the ground people down there because they were all living down there. And plus that my auntie, she owned another auntie, not the one I live with, but my auntie on my daddy's side. She owned the club down that way.

You know this is given like a movie, right? I don't know. Just the way you're describing it, because I can picture it in my head and then the fact that like, if you was five, so this was what, 44 years ago like in this in the south i know exactly what you're talking about in the south so i can just see like the imagery of it of a woman walking down the street and three women in the bushes hiding yes waiting for her yes yes they ran down that path. That's exactly how they, where I'm describing it to you,

is the way it was described to me. So when you heard it, how did that make you feel? It, it made me feel hurt that, you know, brought back the pain of losing my losing my mama again and then it made me feel that my mama was trying to escape from right she was she um she said she told the people that she was going to break it off with my daddy and that the lady could have my daddy that she didn't want my daddy anymore because my daddy messing around with a woman that's trying to harm her And she has four kids that she needs to take care of right and you know And she was gonna just leave it leave that alone Because it wasn't the first time you know

I got to tell you before they went for what's in the first time it my mama and these women got into no I'll got into it. They, you know, they always try to gang my mama. Right. After my mama beat the woman up, you know, from then on, it's always been a group that go against her. Is your country falling apart?

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Bullets. We need help! We still have the off-road portion to go. Listen to Escape from Zakistan. And we're losing daylight fast. That's Escape from Z-A-Q-istan on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, guys. I'm Kate Max. You might know me from my popular online series, The Running Interview Show. Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. High is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories,

their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. You know that rush of endorphins you feel after a great workout? Well, that's when the real magic happens. So if you love hearing real, inspiring stories from the people you know, follow, and admire, join me every week for Post Run High. It's where we take the conversation beyond the run and get into the heart of it all. It's lighthearted, pretty crazy, and very fun. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba.

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that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. And she paid the ultimate price. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's up? This is Ramses Jha. And I go by the name Q Ward. And we'd like you to join us each week for our show Civic Cipher. That's right. We're going to discuss social issues, especially those that affect black and brown people, but in a way that informs and empowers all people to hopefully create better allies.

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Listen to Civic Cipher every Saturday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advised. But wasn't your father messing with the mistress the main mistress messing with her homegirl thing is so other uh you're probably talking about the fact that other three ladies right one of them um one of them is the mother of my oldest brother on my daddy's side see they were all cousins they were cousins uh and your daddy was different your

daddy was different yeah uh he he you know he wasn't keen to him so he didn't care right and evidently the women didn't care right because they cousins yeah they cousins when i say cousins i'm talking my first cousins two two sisters children right so how many kids did your father have um and all he had seven so my mom and five on the outside but um but the rest of them they were they were much older i'm the um i'm next to the baby and the next one is like seven years older than me yeah seven eight years older than i am so when you're when your mom got shot by her did anybody see this yes see when they seen the women did what they told when they seen when they seen the women

a group of them started running down the road they would run that road they were screaming because they thought that was on she was trying they were trying to gain no gang fight my mama right they didn't know that they didn't know she had a gun until they got whacked that up up there on them by the time they reached up there that's when she shot my mother my uncle from my my from my dad's side he was there and he and a couple of the men, they loaded my mom up in a car. Instead of calling the ambulance, the ambulance was like 15 minutes away. The hospital they were taking my mother to, they took my mother to, is 45 minutes away. Why did they do that? they thought that they can make it

to hope quicker than the ambulance since the ambulance had to come it was stupidity because my mama didn't die until they got in hope so she was alive for 45 minutes yeah by 45 minutes that means that she bled out the um she didn't have to die but amylase could came 15 minutes and stop the bleeding do you think they did that with good intentions i think so because i said one of them was my uncle and they were close. And I don't know. Because I'm thinking, like, they didn't know the basic concept of first aid. Right. The paramedics could have given first aid to my mother. And my mama was still alive all of that time. Right.

She died in my uncle's lap. And the last, my uncle said that the last thing she said was to tell daddy to take care of my babies. And she died. Wow. And then when they was at the hospital, the doctor, the doctor pronounced her dead while they in the car.

She was sitting in the car. Wow. So when did you find out that your mom passed away like who told you at that at the age of five like did somebody come to the house or the sheriff the sheriff came to the house that came to our house the next day and um i wasn't standing i it was an open we had an open plan. And I was standing in the dining room part, which is far away from the living room door. Right. But my older brother, I have an older brother with my mom who's two years older than I am. He just started crying and hollering.

Then my auntie, she came up in there. And that's when, you know, because my grandfather wanted to answer the call. And everybody just started hollering and crying. I didn't understand what was going on. I mean, yeah, you were five, so how could you? And then I heard my auntie say that they killed her. They killed her. Really, I did not understand what was going on.

And when we went to my mama's funeral funeral I thought my mama was just laying up there asleep I didn't understand there was a coughing because she was laying there sleeping the white stuff just looked so comfortable and she looked like she was just asleep see I was used to seeing my mama asleep during the day right she worked at night right so when did it finally hit you i kept asking my grandfather where's my mama after the funeral i actually thought that my mama would be home before we before we got there because that because that i was there saying why i'm every now and then here to sleep with all these people walking around crying around her and at the funeral a woman walked up to me and she said it's okay to cry I didn't understand why she thought I was gonna cry right I just wanted my mom to get herself up and come on here

you know other words denial yeah yeah denial because i'm pretty sure i probably knew what death was but i was i didn't want to accept that this is what i was saying or maybe you didn't maybe you really thought she was asleep especially if that's the first time somebody that was close to you passing away yes and um and then when i asked my grandfather about it, he would always say, well, she's taking a long nap. Right. She's going on a trip. So that further confused me. Yeah.

But whatever, then I knew what death was. I probably just never seen death. We're that close. Yeah, that could be it too. So after I was molested, the weight of my mother wasn't being there. And my dad because that when my mama died i lost my dad too because he abandoned us well wait what happened to the mistress like did she ever get did she go to jail or i don't know if she went to jail i can't tell you definitely

but i do know she got 20 years probation 20 years probation for like jail time she didn't get jail time she pleaded out and the judge gave her probation wow probation in 2000. oh so she's still is she still alive yeah um the last place i know her to work was in children's hospital in Little Rock wow and matter of fact matter of fact I was at the children's hospital for some reason and I went inside the cafeteria and you saw her yeah she rung up my food did she recognize you I don't know but i didn't recognize her but my brother did and i wanted to go in there and just ask around but i didn't wow then again he didn't tell me after we left anyway so then because he knew you was gonna you know beat her ass I don't know you don't know how you would

you never know yep yeah but I know I was hurt to know that this lady was here bringing up my food that I brought in the cafeteria

and of course she didn't say anything of course she didn't act like that she knew me you know yeah how did she look did she look the same to you well probably not because you didn't act like that. She knew me. You know? Yeah. How did she look?

Did she look the same to you? Well, probably not because you didn't recognize her. No, I didn't recognize her. And that was one of the conditions of her probation. The judge told her that she must leave Bradley and she can't live in Bradley. That was a condition for her probation too. But my auntie and one of the ladies that was with her when she killed my mom they got into a shooting match yeah the lady was we were living in a duplex the two two of the ladies were over in the middle part right i only had a raffle and she had a pistol and you I mean for into that toward it down you

could see the bullet holes you know they tried killing each other what's all be doing in Arkansas she tried to kill the lady who killed her sister mmm and this was recent no I'm tonight the time oh at the time at the time so wait how did your dad handle everything cuz I know you said that he abandoned y'all I donall. I don't know. I don't know. But I know that he married another lady that he hasn't even met just a few months after. After my mom was dead.

He probably married her within like a couple months. So he didn't grieve. Hmm. Did y'all ever speak? Or like, what's your relationship like with him now if he's still alive he died in 2008 i didn't have a relationship really um when i got when i turned about 10 his wife forced him to come and pick me and my brother up. See, he only had just two children by my mother. And she made him come and pick us two up for a holiday. But before then, you know, he didn't have anything to do with us.

So he never spoke to you about anything? No. Wow. One time when I was like 14, I brought it up. Then my stepmother, she cut me off let me know that you know don't talk about that and then she tried to put my mama down a woman she never met a woman that was dead when she started messing around with my daddy and she talked about junior he don't like dark skin women always he liked black skin but my daddy had baby um had two kids by two different light-skinned women right and he had a baby by

two dark-skinned women he didn't i guess he he didn't say anything he just looked at her like why are you saying that kind of look right right My daddy was a light-skinned man. But so what? But what I was thinking at the time when she said that she was putting my mother down, I had developed a habit of not saying anything. You just started to become silent. Mm-hmm. I had went years without talk.

How many years? I probably went by a good four or five years without speaking. At all? Yeah, unless somebody forced me to say something. For example, I wouldn't even tell people my name.

I wouldn't tell people anything. And the teachers, they eventually stopped calling my name because they know that I wouldn't tell people anything. And the teachers, they eventually stopped calling my name because they know that I wasn't going to speak. When did you start doing this? I started doing this probably when I was like in the second grade. Wow. No, because the abuse got so bad for me. Right. That I sort of checked out of reality. So at this point, you're living with your aunt and your grandfather. You and your three siblings.

Yes. Was she only mean to you or was she mean to everyone else as well? She was mean to everyone but I was the main one. Right. The boys had to truly do something wrong for her to beat

them. Because she didn't give us weapons. She gave us a beatdown. Mm. And she would beat our grandfather. I watched her beat my grandfather with a hammer. What? Is that her dad? Yeah. I can

see her running to the kitchen, grabbing a knife. My grandfather laying on the couch. I think he was watching Gunsmoke or something. Out of nowhere, she just went in the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and went over there to him and just grabbed his arm and just started cutting

in my grandfather's arm. What do you think was going on with your aunt? She was on crack crack she was a crack head and stuff and a drug well there you go it was the drugs have you ever remember her being not being on drugs and doing and drinking when i was grown right it was she had went to prison and stuff. When she wasn't on drugs, Ebony, she was a total different person. Right.

When my auntie wasn't on drugs, she was the kindest person that you would want to meet. She stayed off the drugs for a long time when I was grown. I gave birth to my son when i was 18 and she was the only one there for me can you believe that you know what's so funny i can't don't don't be the main ones because she wasn't on drugs yeah she was she was the only one of the family who came to the hospital and visit me She probably was trying to right her wrongs Yeah, she did apologize when she thought she was dying Mmm, I didn't take the apology

Seriously, no because I said apologize when you're not in the hospital, right? So where is she at now? She died in 19 She died from a stroke. 2019. Wow. Yeah. What? Just before the pandemic? Yeah. And did y'all ever have like a conversation

or that was it? That was it. About the abuse. Well, she apologized. She did apologize again. She did apologize again. But then again but then again you know i guess that i wasn't accepting the policy because it was too much it's just too much but she did make me feel good when she started when during the time when she wasn't on drugs that she treated me with motherly love. She treated my child with deep love.

Is it safe to say you forgave her? Yeah. I don't know. I guess I don't hate her, but I still hate what happened. Right. She gave my body to me.

Before we get there, because you was living with your aunt at the age of five and that's when the abuse started so i don't want to go through every story because i feel like i don't want to like when you tell your story is it really triggering for you sometimes yeah so i want to be mindful of that but how many men would you say took advantage of you? I never counted. It probably was close to 10 that I can remember. Right. Have you ever ran into any of these men as a grown up? Because you still live in the same place you grew up in, right?

No, I'm living in Hope now. I confronted one of the men uh about what they did to me what he did to me and i didn't when i confronted him i wasn't expecting you know like i'm sorry or probably good then i just told him i remember what you did to me when i was seven years old and what did he say he said i don't know what you're talking about um then i said that you uh but let's he blessed me he didn't exactly rate me but he well sticking your finger into a seven-year-old vagina there is right right and um and he just he just looking at me and he didn't he just stood there looking just and stopped talking you know and then I just left it at that because I just wanted him to know that I remember what you did was this the man that you that when you was laying with your brothers

he came on top of you and your granddaddy was acting like he was sleeping no that's my auntie's boyfriend I like he was sleeping? No, that's my only boyfriend. I thought that was crazy because the fact that your grandfather was acting like he was sleeping and you saw it, I was like, wow. But that wasn't all the time. The dude that I confronted, I was about seven years old. And he would come over to our house. Right. by seven years old and he would come over to our house right and he would come and pick me up and he would sit right there in front of my grandfather and we was like less than this table or i say by

three or four feet this table i'm sitting there by three or four feet wide we were sitting there close and he would put a blanket on top of us and he would people lest me in front of my grandfather but do you think your grandfather was scared he probably was scared but what prevented him from calling the police after he left right and plus that why did my grandfather blame me for it my grandfather said that happened to me that man did that to me because i was fast this is a man who came in my house came and picked me up because i was a kid and he picked me up off the floor and you didn't say anything right another time the same man he came up to the house i was in the kitchen and i just heard a knock on the door and i didn't hear him say, this is LB, whatever.

But my grandfather turned around and said to me, you know exactly what he wants to do. Go out through the back door. Because all the time he did something to try to protect me. Telling me that I know going well what he wanted to do and to run. Is your country falling apart? Feeling tired, depressed, a little bit revolutionary?

Consider this. Start your own country. I planted the flag. I just kind of looked out of like, this is mine. I own this. It's surprisingly easy. There are 55 gallons of water for 500 pounds of concrete. Everybody's doing it. I am King Ernest Emmanuel. I am the Queen of Ladonia. I'm Jackson I, King of Kaperburg.

I am the Supreme Leader of the Grand Republic of Mentonia. Be part of a great colonial tradition. The Waikana tribe owned country. My forefathers did that themselves. What could go wrong? No country willingly gives up their territory. I was making a rocket with a black powder, you know, with explosive warhead.

Oh my God. What is that? Bullets. Bullets. We need help! We need help! We still have the off-road portion to go. Listen to Escape from Zakistan.

And we're losing daylight fast. That's Escape from Z-A-Q-istan on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey guys, I'm Kate Max. You might know me from my popular online series, The Running Interview Show, where I run with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and more. After those runs, the conversations keep going. That's what my podcast, Post Run High High is all about. It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. You know that rush of endorphins you feel after a great workout?

Well, that's when the real magic happens. So if you love hearing real, inspiring stories from the people you know, follow, and admire, join me every week for Post Run High. It's where we take the conversation beyond the run and get into the heart of it all. It's lighthearted, pretty crazy, and very fun. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's up? This is Ramses Jha. And I go by the name Q Ward.

And we'd like you to join us each week for our show Civic Cipher. That's right. We're going to discuss social issues, especially those that affect black and brown people, but in a way that informs and empowers all people to hopefully create better allies. Think of it as a black show for non-black people. We discuss everything from prejudice to politics to police violence, and we try to give you the tools to create positive change in your home, workplace, and social circle. Exactly. Whether you're black, Asian, white, Latinx, indigenous, LGBTQIA+, you name it. If you stand with us, then we stand with

you. Let's discuss the stories and conduct the interviews that will help us create a more empathetic, accountable and equitable America. You are all our brothers and sisters, and we're inviting you to join us for Civic Cipher each and every Saturday with myself, Ramses Jha, Q Ward and some of the greatest minds in America. Listen to Civic Cipher every Saturday on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. On Thanksgiving Day, 1999, a five-year-old boy floated alone in the ocean. He had lost his mother trying to reach Florida from Cuba. He looked like a little angel. I mean, he looked so fresh. And his name, Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. Elian Gonzalez. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian. Elian Gonzalez, will make headlines everywhere. At the heart of the story is a young boy and the question of who he belongs with.

His father in Cuba. Mr. Gonzalez wanted to go home and he wanted to take his son with him. Or his relatives in Miami. Imagine that your mother died trying to get you to freedom. At the heart of it all is still this painful family separation. Something that as a Cuban, I know all too well. Listen to Chess Peace, the Elian Gonzalez story, as part of the My Cultura podcast network,

available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th, 2017, was murdered. There are crooks everywhere you look now. The situation is desperate. My name is Manuel Delia. I am one of the hosts of Crooks Everywhere,

a podcast that unhurts the plot to murder a one-woman Wikileaks. Daphne exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. And she paid the ultimate price. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. This episode contains sensitive topics. Listener discretion is advised.

You know, you hear your story, because I'm from the South as well. So when you hear your story and when you share your story, how often do you hear similar stories that's similar to yours that's from the South? Because I feel like this goes on a lot within our community, but I feel like it also goes on a lot in like these smaller towns in the south and i'm pretty sure it's all over the world but just being from the south especially being like a your dark-skinned woman being called fast and like like it's just it's insane as i've grown up no i knew several kids that was uh raped by boyfriends or by uncles i even knew boys that were raped so even boys are not safe yeah for example my baby i'm gonna say this because

he doesn't wash stuff like this but uh my baby brother um was raped by my oldest brother and is this the same oldest brother that sexually abused me they raped me he raped my baby brother and he told and my auntie forced him to say another boy actually raped him wow because she forced my brother to say that another child raped him because she didn't like that child's mother whoa that is crazy so that child got sent off he got punished legally punished and i just found out in 2000 my brother just told me in 2009 that that wasn't true. He said, we was over there to my trailer. And he said, do you remember that time when I said that Pig raped me and Pig got sent off?

Pig didn't rape me. Pat just made me say Pig raped me because she didn't like Pig's's mom that is wow that is crazy so you can't even um you can't even even though the child was raped could be raped or molested you still have to wonder whether or not somebody else is making a child point at a different person but i went and told his mom what my brother told me and i told her that you know that pig didn't do that no i didn't say she just cried she just asked me questions and then she would just cry just cry and where's her son at now oh oh oh pig i don't know what pig is he's not in jail or anything he was some woman knowing him he's a womanizer now he's not a rapist but he's a

womanizer do you think your brother um sexually abused any more other kids yes i know um because they say so as far as i, I'm the only girl. The rest of the kids he raped were boys. Wow. And then I found out when I was like 18, a little bit before. See, I didn't find out that he was the one who raped my brother that time. But I found out years before then that he raped other little boys i'ma cause the grown-ups knew about it do you think something happened to your older brother no he died from a heart attack

walking to walmart no no i'm talking about just like you think somebody sexually abused him i don't know i didn't talk to that boy you know you know he did that to me and uh i can remember uh see we originally from knockadokia and um wait where you're from knockadokia texas oh okay we're originally from there so that's why i didn't know about the older siblings so they were all from the bradley area all from bradley and i had been molested many times before that then i thought that when i found out i had an older big brother i thought that he was going to be my protector that reason why i put myself in his presence right i guess that they shattered my world knowing that he didn't only touch me he actually took my virginity so

yeah the rest of the men they would finger me to this point they would finger me because he started raping me when I was 7 and then the prior reason why that my aiding started allowing men to rape me how are you

feeling with all this like do you like do you go to therapy like how do you like i go to therapy okay because this this is a lot to unpack like do you ever just sit down and just be like like especially what you about to hit a milestone of you turning 50 like like you got to be proud of yourself for just like being sound mind and just surviving no seriously because this will have people like going crazy i don't know why going to therapy and stuff you know i learned terms so for my behavior i did assist associate but it's really not happening to me right that happened and i'm in a stage where I'm trying to comfort. Heal your inner child.

Yes. Because it feels like that sometimes I be like up in the high corner looking. Yeah. You know, like in the high corner looking that somebody is hurting. And I can't do anything. I can't say anything. But does it hurt you that you can't do anything? The hurt that I feel is the hurt that I carried since then.

It seemed like that pain, that hurt, it hasn't went away. It's just something that you learn to cope with. Yeah, that's a fact. Yeah, you develop. I'm not talking about multi-personality, but you do. You just learn how to deal with it. Yeah, because you have to separate that person from the rest of your thing right right right you know even though that that person is always there that person always pulling that child is always crying that child always wants safety and it and it causes you to behave in ways that you didn't understand

why you behave in a certain way yeah you got to get to the root of it yeah sometimes your brain would also protect you from certain things so you won't get triggered and you won't act a certain way yes that is the idea with it um put it inside this box compartmentalize it when i get triggered um i don't have to talk about right too but that that panic to come in they're not thinking like gosh lee it's just so much trauma feel up on trauma it was no relief uh for right you know because it don't win i got older by 10 uh a man right in front of my grandfather in front of my auntie he just leaned over right there in my face i'm not going to mess with you because you talk too much oh i got a beating for that so when did you realize that your aunt was selling you to all of these men in my bedroom when i got awake in my bedroom i in my little mind i thought it

was monsters right i didn't um realize that it was actually actual. That's when my mind connected with actual people. My auntie had a baby and she forced me to take care of that baby. I was getting up at night fixing the baby bottle. I walked into the kitchen. My auntie was standing there with a man.

I knew that they were her boyfriend at the time. She said, there she go. You can have him. You can get him. He looked and um and she said there she go you don't have you can get it and he looked at pat and he said pat i don't mess around with you i was trying to get her boyfriend to go in there and have sex with me i still in my mind i'm still saying monsters but one of the men actually came to my room because that's when i started sleeping on the floor right because i had i i started putting the baby in the bed with my grandfather and i would sleep on the floor under my bed too high and a man came in i don't work it didn't recognize his voice he said pat she's not

in here because they you know he's coming into my room and i would just see the feet and you know i didn't say anything and um and my aunt just started you know beating me talking like that i talk too much and i act like i'm too good for people and stuff she was talking about i was talking about that why nobody wants you no man wants you imagine telling a nine and ten year old that because you talk too much and because you act like you can do it that grown men don't want to have no right imagine how confused i was that why would i want a grown i didn't understand even though you know what just because a child is molested or it's great doesn't mean the child understands what sex is. Yeah.

Yeah. A lot of people don't even have the language when they're going through something that's so traumatizing. Yeah. So if I was able to put two together, I was able to put two together much later. Right. Especially during that time. Like the language that we have now was definitely not available 40 years ago yeah how has this experience like shaped your understanding of relationships and

family dynamics like because i know you have your own kids but like is it i'm pretty sure it got to be hard for you to not only not just trust men but to trust people in general right you know what right right um especially men oh um i've been celibate for 20 years now i refuse to let a man touch me even though i've been married twice i even told my uh was that my first husband that i know i'm gonna stop having sex with you i don't want to have sex with you and i will pay a prostitute to have sex so you didn't have sex with your first husband i did for a little while you know when i said a little while i mean a little while i'm talking like a month a month or two i'm not talking about you because i couldn't stand it I couldn't stand it um this thing like that is

what balance to me you know yeah it was pleasure yeah it was balance um and I only had sex with my second husband once I can't um so I just ended and uh if I can't stand for a man to touch me, why stay? You know? Are you going to work through that in therapy? Or do you want to work through that in therapy? You know what? It's hard to find a good therapist. You know, that's the reason why I'm able to speak about it.

Because it's mostly just talk therapy. It's not solution based um what helped me to to be able to share my story with other people is because i'm watching therapeutic therapeutic uh videos right therapists online they help me more than the ones i see in person because just talking about it without reframing it that's no uh learn those turns from well i have a good therapist if you want one my therapist i've been going to her for a long long time and i get i share i get like when people need therapists i always recommend her because she's a black woman she can speak the way that we speak she understand where we

come from and she has definitely helped me a lot so if you're interested i can definitely um introduce you to her yes yeah you know oh you know if i could you know because then i was just thinking in the last month or so i need to find someone who because one of my therapists i had to try to convince my therapist that a nine year old nine years old child does not want a grown man there's a male therapist he said he just made the remark that a child like that could have a crush on a grown man i said no don't even know about that right you might have a crush on a celebrity someone far away from you it's not going to have a crush on a man that they can see and touch yeah it's going to be some type

of like michael jackson or somebody like that even if a child does have a crush on a grown person that child doesn't know it's not sexual there you go it's's not sexual. I had to explain to the therapist that a grown person is deflecting what they feel upon their child. Right.

Was it hard for you to have a baby? What are you talking about? Getting pregnant? Just the thought of you just having a baby. I know you don't really enjoy having sex but like so just a thought of like everything that you went through was you afraid to have a child and a fear of something similar or like just them not you not wanting them to go through some of the things that you went through or just anything in life yeah that's why i stopped at one and i wouldn't have gotten pregnant by that or with that one

it wasn't for the fact that um my baby daddy you know he pushed my heels down the court when i went to the clinic to get some more pills that made me wait like a week or so and i was pregnant by then were you mad i was hurt or hurt i couldn't get angry i still have a problem with anger i have to uh delayed emotions like let's say someone does something to me or say something out of the way it'll probably take me days weeks or even years so you can get mad about whatever they said or did you think that stemmed from your childhood i will i will i've learned that that's a trauma response with not feeling emotion yeah just going numb yeah numb i call those years i was the walking dead i refused to have another child are you close with your child now? Oh, yeah.

Even though I didn't have feelings and have feelings, I couldn't love. I couldn't do. But I still had instinct. Right. By reading magazines and books, I knew what to say or what to do with my kids. Right, right, right. But it was like reading a how-to book and just performing but not feeling right because i was unable to right you know when you was living with your aunt and um as you got

older was there ever a time where you just wanted to like like harm them the night before i left i had got a knife and i hey okay she would make me some make me sometimes sleep in the living room with her and she had two kids at this time and I I had clean oh when she would sleep I was gonna kill her her two children and my grandpa and this all what What made me want to kill her or decide to kill her is because that night she's going to look at my face and say,

I bet you can eat some P.U.S. as well. She was going to make you eat her out? I don't know. That's what she told me. But I knew going well that I would die before that happened. The reason why that i had said to myself that i had to kill this i'm gonna kill it uh but i'm not a natural killer so

something in me told me to go and lay down go to sleep see usually she would have me up two or three o'clock in the morning even though i had to go to school the next day she would have me up waiting on her or just listening to her or just staying up at night with her wow but this particular night she said that to me but she didn't bother me the whole night even the kids didn't bother me I slept all of that night and that part was the first time I was able to sleep through the night since for at least six or seven years wow you know the next morning um that's when I started feeling the joy a little bit I knew that that was the last night I was going to spend in that house.

I was 16 and I didn't care if I had to sleep in the road in a ditch. But after school that day my school counselor called DHS and DHS was trying to make me go back home. And he said

no. Then find out that the whole school knew about it. They knew about the abuse. My abuse wasn't a secret. But why do you think nobody did nothing in all this time from five to 16? DHS wouldn't do anything. DHS did come and talk with us when I was like in the fifth grade and the D I just told me I was fast, too Wow

Told me I was bad. Imagine how many girls were told they were fast when they didn't do anything wrong Yeah, because I wasn't on girl don't think that my piece was something you unique in in that time Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying. Especially in a small town. Like, especially the fact that you're... Girls are getting pregnant. Yeah. Girls are getting pregnant by their dads. Yeah.

Having babies by their uncles. Do you feel like your spirituality or your faith played a role in all of this? Especially when it comes to your healing process? Yes. My faith taught me that this is not all it's going to be that that god is going to get rid of the wicked and then uh just helped me to work towards peace in my heart but i lean on him

to try to keep me propped up you know right to keep me from going insane because i said having faith in god gives you hope but it doesn't take away the pain yeah uh it helps you to deal with the pain it doesn't take it away do you ever question god no by his existence no just by like why all this happened to me like um or were you ever angry with God? No. You know what? It's funny. That's the message that people would, that the church has taught me that this is God's plan.

Right. Everything happens for a reason. God is testing you. I never believed that. I never believed that a loving God would do this to you. Right. I never believed that a loving God would do this to you right I never believed it I never believed it that this is some type of playing um because it look at all the people in the world right and everyone go through something mm-hmm that I love a guy does not think of ways to make your life harder.

So what do you think it was? See, that happened when I was young. A lady in the neighborhood, she did make me read that Bible. And from my understanding from the Bible and speaking with her,

that, like in Psalms 37, you know know 9 and 10. uh i remember those scriptures because that you know she made me read it um that god gonna get rid of the wicked that the righteous gonna possess the earth so and just telling us to wait a little while longer right we're gonna see what we are um so i believe that and i believe that when jesus said that um those in memorial too i'm gonna hear his voice so i knew that things were happening because that god's time to make it all in hasn't come um you know it's just like that um this way that i guess it is explaining to them um that to make

my little young mind um like that yeah for parent leaves and go away and they well they give their children instructions but it's up to the kids to obey the parent what the parent is gone right but when the parent comes back the parent is going to set things straight well i'm waiting for jesus to come back to set things straight and plus he has a parable like that too you know right the rich man leaving and stuff um so that so i just know that it's happening and that god isn't causing it but I know something is causing it people are just you know wicked yeah

doing bad to children yeah God is going to say that I'm laying this out here for you for a reason right yeah that's true I'm thankful that she and Sister Jones they use the when they see me walking on

the road or whatnot, they always share the scripture. Because my auntie used to curse the Bible. And my grandfather, he told us when he was younger age that he used to be a member of a traveling gospel group, singing gospel group. Right. And last but not least, how do you honor the memory of your mother? From what people told me about her, it's just taking care of your kids, working for what you have, and don't fight over no man. Yeah. and don't fight over no mean yeah if a woman come up and talking about she want my man she can have him and and I said I'm not fighting I'm not arguing I'm gonna throw let her know what I'm

gonna do I'm gonna get his clothes I'm gonna throw it out right when a man cheats I never confront it I think I don't confront me in about this cheating ways right just go just go yeah because I'm not emotionally attached in the way right right well you know I'm pretty pretty sure that a lot of people are going to be be touched by your story. And just to see that you're still here, you're about to turn 50, you're looking good. You know, you're staying true to yourself. Yeah. Like, I'm really proud of you and I'm happy that we connected so we can get your story out, because I do believe that it's important for us to share our storylines because you just never know how it can be someone else's lifeline so i really do appreciate you i realize that yeah this is other people's stories help me yeah and to the listeners if you have any questions

comments or concerns please make sure to reach out to me at hello at the psg podcast.com and until next time, everyone. Later. Visit the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to your favorite shows. Don't forget to subscribe and rate the show. And you can connect with me on social media at the PSG Podcast. Hey, guys. I'm Kate Max. You might know me from my popular online series, The Running Interview Show, where I run with celebrities, athletes, entrepreneurs, and more. After those runs, the conversations keep going. That's what my podcast, Post Run High, is all about.

It's a chance to sit down with my guests and dive even deeper into their stories, their journeys, and the thoughts that arise once we've hit the pavement together. Listen to Post Run High on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Had enough of this country? Ever dreamt about

starting your own? I planted the flag. This is mine. I own this. It's surprisingly easy. 55 gallons of water, 500 pounds of concrete. Or maybe not. No country willingly gives up their territory. Oh my god. What is that? Bullets.

Listen to Escape from Zakistan. We need help! That's Escape from Z-A-Q-istan on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, y'all. Niminy here. I'm the host of a brand-new history podcast

for kids and families called Historical Records. Executive produced by Questlove, The Story Pirates, and John Glickman, Historical Records brings history to life through hip-hop. Each episode is about a different inspiring figure from history. Like this one about Claudette Colvin, a 15-year-old girl in Alabama who refused to give up her seat on the city bus nine whole months before Rosa Parks did the same thing. Check it. Did you know, did you know, I wouldn't give up my seat.

Nine months before Rosa, it was called a moment. Get the kids in your life excited about history by tuning in to Historical Records. Because in order to make history, you have to make some noise. Listen to Historical Records on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. Jenny Garth, Jana Kramer, Amy Robach, and TJ Holmes bring you I Do Part 2, a one-of-a-kind experiment in podcasting to help you find love again. Hey, I'm Jana Kramer. I'm Jenny Garth. Hi, everyone. I'm Amy Robach. And I'm TJ Holmes. And we are, well, not necessarily relationship experts. If you're ready to dive back into the dating pool and find lasting love, we want to help. Listen to I Do Part 2 on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen to podcasts.

Daphne Caruana Galizia was a Maltese investigative journalist who on October 16th, 2017, was assassinated. Crooks everywhere unnerves the plot to murder a one-woman WikiLeaks. She exposed the culture of crime and corruption that were turning her beloved country into a mafia state. Listen to Crooks Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.