The Breakfast Club - Whoreible Decisions: Olympic Dating ft. Anwar The Dating Coach

Episode Date: October 5, 2024

The Black Effect Presents... Whoreible Decisions! This week the ladies are joined by Anwar The Dating Coach! They start the episode off by defining the two types of women in a relationship, 3 boundaries to help secure a successful relationship and even attracting certain men to get into a relationship with. After figuring out the “investment” date, the ladies and Anwar get into giving gifts on the third date, interracial dating, unfulfilled relationships with our fathers, and much more! @DatingCoachAnwarGetYourGuyCoaching.Com Follow the hosts on social media Weezy @Weezywtf & Mandii B @Fullcourtpumps and follow the Whoreible Decisions pagesInstagram @whoreible_decisionsTwitter @whoreiblepodDon't forget to tag #whoreibledecisions or @ us to let us know what you think of this week's episode!Want more? Bonus episodes, merch and more Whoreible Decisions!! Become a Patron at Patreon.com/whoreibledecisionsWant some Whoreible Decisions merchandise? GET YOURS NOW AT WHOREHIVE.COMSee omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

guess what decision we're about to make horrible decision hey guys welcome to another episode of horrible decision i don't know why you want to say don't do bitch i'm a single that's why i'm your girl mandy b aka single forever because everybody sucks aka that bitch forever hey y'all I'm Weezy and finally I'm out of the piss pool that dating is but I really think I've used some advice from my fairy god

brother he's here who is one of my favorite dating coaches online I don't even have TikTok but I feel like you have TikTok content and it's my favorite to watch so I'm so glad that you decided to do Horrible Today thank you so much for having me which is online. I don't even have TikTok, but I feel like you have TikTok content and it's my favorite to watch. So I'm so glad that you decided to do Horrible Today. Thank you so much for having me. Welcome, welcome.

I'm excited to have you here because baby, outside of the questions for y'all, yes, I guess I'll consider y'all today. I got questions for my goddamn self. Dating has been, now that I have standards, I've realized how much harder dating is. Like I actually miss being a whore with no standards who just wanted to come, you know? Just wanted a good-looking guy, just wanted to eat

and have a meal the next day because I was broke. I was like, Jesus Christ. And so now that I'm not that person, now that I've gone through therapy, now that I'm a woman of intention, a woman with money and her own bag, and is not looking for those transactional relationships, I find it to be a little bit more difficult to find someone that makes sense. But also as a woman identifying what I really want out of a partner.

So I'm excited to have this conversation with you. My first question is, I didn't realize you were married. I don't know if you've talked about it in your content, but when you said that, I was like, oh, because one of my first questions was when single and being a dating coach, how has that been? Like if you've had your spurts in that. I've always been married in a dating coach. So I've been married for almost 14 years now and we have three children together. So just FYI people, if you want to invest in a dating coach please invest with someone who is married and who knows how to go from a to z oh that's very interesting tell us how you met your partner and after that step of marriage how you were like okay i need to teach people how to do this yeah so we

met online like a lot of people are meeting these days. And I always tell ladies out there, but for the guys as well, like when I was online, I wasn't necessarily taking it so seriously. So like I was in LA at the time, so I would have one app in LA and then I would have another app just wherever I wanted to go. So one week I would be in Barcelona, one week I would be in Berlin, one week I would be in Montreal. All right, subtle flicks. Well, here's the thing. No, on my app, not in real life. Oh, okay.

See? Yeah, yeah. Because I knew at a certain point, and this is, I think, really applicable for smart and successful women of color that America might not be there for you. So you have to be open to the fact that your person might be outside of the state. So when you say you placed yourself in there, I know like for certain apps, and none of them paying for this episode, so we don't have to really name any if we don't want to, but certain apps, once you pay for the subscription, is when you can place your location anywhere. Correct. So is that what you did?

That's right. You invested in paying for one of the premium profiles that allowed you to place. So you explored with the intention of having a more serious relationship. Correct. Huh. Interesting. I have heard, now I know Dr. Umar is controversial and also can't stand the gays. So it's like, but you did say one thing about black women dating and going to the Caribbean and just meeting men there, maybe even Africa, different parts, just to meet black men.

Tell us your experience with when you were choosing the city and why those places. Just a variety, right? I wasn't really thinking too much about it. Again, I think I always tell ladies, you know, there are two types of women that date. There are women that date for marriage and there are women that date for play. And the women that date for marriage... Wait, is there no in-between? When women are dating for marriage,

I think that they take it very seriously and they go from zero to 100. And they put a lot of pressure on themselves. And I'm always someone who is date for play, have fun. And actually, in my experience, it's the women who date for play, have fun. And actually, in my experience, it's the women who date for play that get into relationships.

It's the women that date for marriage that have a much harder time. Hmm. That I 100% believe. What is the in-between? Is there an in-between? I mean, I think there's always going to be an in-between because everything is a spectrum, right?

But I'm sharing with you what the majority of the categories are when I have coached women in dating for the past 14 to 15 years. So Mandy in particular, I'm sure she was interested in the in-between because Mandy doesn't want to be married, but she wants a committed relationship. That's fine. And so that pretty much so is marriage is the blanket of commitment when you're saying the two. Marriage, commitment, long-term partnership, right? Meaning like you're very focused on it has this person that I'm talking to right now, he has to be my person or she has to be my person, right? That we're putting a lot of pressure on ourselves because we want to be in that relationship more so than we want to actually evaluate whether that person is for us or not.

There are a lot of women that are hyper-focused on being partnered, being chosen, having a relationship. And that's what I'm talking about more so than anything else. How do you know how long you can play? For example, if a woman does want to end up in a relationship, but you're saying date for play, which I get that. It's like kind of just let all of that go and enjoy yourself. But how long can they do that before they end up in a situationship? There's a difference between playing and dating with boundaries. So when I say play, I don't mean you don't have boundaries while you're dating. What I'm saying is that you stay free, you stay light, you're not taking it too seriously. You can take it or you can leave it. But that is completely different

than actually having boundaries, right? And boundaries are paramount when you're dating because if you don't boundary well, you won't date well. You won't be in a great relationship and so forth and so on. What are boundaries that would assure that you're in the right path towards what you want? Like, could you give us a list of maybe three boundaries that you feel like work for people? Yeah, I mean, 100%. So I would say if you're dating online, if he hasn't asked you out within a week, you need to drop it. If you are not in a committed relationship within two and a half to three months,

you need to drop it. If you are not engaged or married within two years, you need to drop it. These are very short numbers to me. Tell me, Why are they short? Are they short to you? I think that the two years, in my opinion, seems to be an age thing. I feel like if I was 26, 27 and someone was ready to marry me in two years, I'd be like, oh, have we like really experienced more yet? Are we in a financial place for marriage? I'm actually surprised you said two years. For some reason in my brain, I thought you would say three. A man knows. A man knows pretty quickly. And what I know, I get at least three or four women into relationships every week. I have an engagement every month. What I will tell you is this. He knows probably within the first six months. And then after that, he is saving for

a ring and a wedding. I literally have five men that are doing it for my clients right now. Oh, I want to ask the room. Do you guys know in six months, have you, have you, let's get a gauge. We've got four men here. Do you date women too? too okay have you felt that for yourself yeah okay okay what about the two to three months because wolf told me once we'll start engineer here that he who i probably would say i've had the most deep conversations with about dating and you seem like a very intentional dater you told told me a year, and you're saying two to three months. Why do you take a year? That seems crazy to me.

To make someone your girlfriend. I think four to six, but a year is fucking crazy. Yeah, you don't have a mic, so we're not going to keep asking you. He said that he feels like things will come to the surface after a year now i just feel like a year i'm letting you play with me if a woman goes past a certain so let me just let me answer that and this is why it's important for women to have boundaries right because you you shouldn't be waiting a year yeah whoever knows

that you are it will make it happen, right? And so that's why it's important for women specifically to have those boundaries because you can't abdicate or give away your power to someone who may not know if they want to be with you or not. I have a question. You have to make that choice for yourself.

You have to be in full control of your dating life and you can't give your power away to someone else. So I've been talking to my friends who think I'm kind of nuts. I give people two weeks and two weeks to see me. So I don't care where you're at on the globe. I feel like if you're interested in me and we're talking, you have two weeks to see me. Otherwise, I'm no longer interested. However, with wanting the two-week

mark as well as maybe send me flowers, can I ask you, what is the difference between a woman showing up assertive and showing up aggressive? And could a woman saying that this is what they need in order for them to feel like you're interested, could that push them away? So how do you show up between the two? Well, there's a difference between, it's all in communication style, right? There are some women that communicate in a masculine way and there are some women that communicate in a feminine way, right? There's a difference between, I need flowers, I need you to come and see me, I need you to da-da-da-da-da. Versus I would feel really connected and I would really be happy if you came to see me. There's a way to communicate things from a feminine energetic perspective versus a masculine energetic perspective. Masculine is

thought. Masculine is action due. Feminine is centered around the feelings and being and i will tell you this a lot of women of color specifically are in their masculine energy for a variety of different reasons what i know for sure and the deeper reason behind that is because there's actually a lack of feminine energetic love when they're being raised so a lot of Black mothers are very judgmental and highly critical. And so what happens, and also I will just say this from a lot of fathers, they're also emotionally or physically absent. So what that teaches Black girls growing up is that they can't rely on anyone. They don't have a safe space, so they have to be their own safe space. So what happens though, and how that translates into adulthood, is that now you're in your masculine, you have to take care of

everything. But the problem with that is when you're in your masculine, because relationships are about compliments, they're about the yin and the yang. So when you're in your masculine, you will attract two kinds of men. One, a man that is in his dominant feminine energy, who's looking for a mother. And two, a man that is in his hyper or toxic masculine energy. And he will want to forcibly submit you into your feminine. Okay. has happened that maybe a lot of people aren't necessarily talking about is, you know, in the 90s, we had, I don't know, 75% of our households that were run by single mothers. And that has an effect on how we bond with each other. I want to specifically say this affects the way that men also bond with women. lot of these men have been thought to believe that they are the prize, what we call enmeshment, which means that they're raised to be a bit entitled. A lot of these single mothers will actually treat these young men growing up as surrogate partners. They call them king, they call them all these other things. And so all of the attention, everything is for them.

And so they are thought, they believe that that is how you're supposed to be in relationship with women, right? And that's not necessarily the case. So when you tell me that there are a lot of women that are demanding, it is really because they've experienced a lot of men that are like that. Unfortunately, I'm not here to shit or shade on anybody. I'm here to share with you that a lot of things that maybe people aren't talking about in the context and the why behind it all. I am absolutely understanding how you've done this 15 years. I think just the example of why we're so aggressive when asking for these things, I've even had to calm down. I think,

I don't know if you believe in astrology, but I think the only thing that's helped me is my Pisces emotional attitude that I've been able to approach things with. With all the pain from relationships, I definitely have a laundry list of things for myself that I know I need. I try not to necessarily pressure someone with them. And I'm in a relationship right now, but I have found that I may find ways to sneak them in or even make mention of what I've done to other partners. Oh, well, XYZ happened to me and they're no longer here. And I haven't really found a healthy way to talk about my boundaries without letting them know this is a hard limit. And I'm curious when in, not in a

relationship, but let's just say, because I don't want to speak for myself, in the dating weeds, you know you're starting to like someone. How do you let them know as a partner how they need to show up? Because what you just mentioned about that to me is preliminary and a really good example of it. How can we do that once we're in it? Once we know someone's a vibe, how do we test them? So here's how I think about this. So we have this full courtship, right? And I always tell, I always say that I think women and men think about it differently.

So I think men kind of go into it with like a zero mentality, meaning I don't even know her. I don't even like her yet, right? We have to figure out if I like her. Women oftentimes will start at 100, right? And be like, okay, if he messes up, I'm taking him down to 90. And we wait until he gets to a certain point before. So I say all that to say, many women do exactly what you just said. I want to make sure that he stays at 100, which is my idealized version of who I want him to be, instead of letting him be who he is, right? Which is, which means kind of, I want women to actually start from zero and allow him to prove himself in a lot of different ways.

So I say all of that to say, I don't want you to tell him exactly what you want or what you need. Not early in the courtship. I always think that the date three is a huge inflection point in the courtship. It shows a level of investment. And so from first conversation to date three, you're in observation mode. You just need to see what his homeostasis is, what his natural way of being is.

Because you can give him the answers to the test and he can cram and copy them and perform for a good three weeks, three months. But is that his natural way of being? Is A3 related to the sex time? Excuse me? I feel like most people have sex around date three related to the sex time? Excuse me? I feel like most people have sex around date three. Is that in relation to when you just said date three is an investment? Date three is an investment. Most women have sex on date three because there's a passive and active pressure that happens on date three.

That comes from film, media, all of these other things. And pressure from the patriarchy, right? That's just something that is expected of them. Many of them understand that, know that, and feel like they have to. That's why there's like a bit of a dip when it comes to after, like after date three, because also men are expecting that as well.

That's interesting because it's, but it... My boyfriend just said this thing about date three to me. We had sex on date three, right? And he said, I was like, what did we have sex on date for? He said, for some reason in my brain, and this is someone who can have sex with whoever he wants, right? Most men can't.

He's like, in date three, if I'm not feeling an intense sexual energy, I start to think, are we better as friends and I actually don't know if that's pressure he's putting on someone or if it's where his brain thinks from the interest of the woman so I agree with you it is something that people are just used to happening because to say that you're not sure if it doesn't get there he's like maybe she's not that into me to be honest I kind of get it too remember when I was dating that guy who wasn't

having sex with me and I was like he must not be there the guy from dreamville the same thought date three happened date four and I was like oh yeah he wants to be my friend I mean to me it's interesting because for what I know dating to look like currently it takes so long to get to date three because people are juggling and dating so many different people at once. And not only are they not actively going on dates, they're spending a lot of time texting, having phone conversations, FaceTiming, DMing, sending memes. There's so many actual conversations happening before you meet a person in person. And then so to get to date three, sometimes getting to date three can take

a month or two with one person because you're actively dating other people. So I find that a little bit difficult or maybe not something that can be related to people that are actively dating multiple people. And so are you recommending that, that women date one man at a time? No, never. Okay, good. Always date multiple. I call it Olympic dating. You need to have a gold medalist, a silver medalist, and a bronze medalist at all times. I think that's the difficulty, though, that I'm seeing as well. I think right now with social media and women being okay with this concept, it's almost like our attention spans, the same way it's related to music and now TV shows.

We're upset when the whole season isn't there available to us and we have to wait even a week for a new episode. Our attention spans are so short that we're constantly seeking, okay, if he's not all the way on me, I just want someone else to be. And that's what I realized myself and my friends are navigating with dating right now. Like, there's just so many that after two weeks, I'm no longer interested in him. They're just falling by the wayside. Most of them will. Okay. And that's why you date multiple men.

Okay. And you keep dating multiple men. Most of them will try. It's exhausting. With the gold, bronze, silver, that comment you just made, what have you seen ends up being, who ends up being the engagement? You have one a month. You're seeing relationships happen. What have you noticed when you're, because this is almost like therapy to me. Like I'm paying for someone to really help me date. Like I'm telling you about these guys. You're giving me the advice. Who have you seen? Is it

the one that the girl, the women are really wanting? Or is it the guy that they kind of forgot about? So that's a great question. And it really depends on the woman, but I would say half of the time it is the, it is the guy that she's always thinking about. She's kind of first date, then sprung and half the time there's a grow to love. Right? And I think there is a bigger point here, which is I think a lot of women have been conditioned and programmed to believe in the spark, right? That there has to be a spark.

The butterflies are really anxiety. What did you used to say to me? I could spark a car with all the sparks that's out of hand. Yeah, but so don't trust the butterflies, okay, especially in our black bodies that hold a lot of trauma. Oftentimes we can't really trust what our bodies are telling us. So one of the things that I think is important, I call it the slow burn. If by date two or three, your attraction hasn't increased, you got to let it go, right? But don't shade the guy that's currently a six because he might be an eight or a nine to you two or three months from now. But what happens, and this is what I've learned as a dating coach is many of us, I'm speaking specifically for women of color, but men of color as well,

I just work with women of color. Many of us, because of the way that we're raised, are emotionally stunted. So what that means is we look for connection in other ways. We don't prioritize emotional connection as much. So we will over-prioritize intellectual connection and or physical connection. So one of the things that I really focus on in my clients is making sure that we are open enough to actually connect emotionally. That means learning how to be vulnerable, sharing and communicating with feelings so that you can also see if the man has emotional capacity to do the same that's where the deeper emotional connection can happen unfortunately well not unfortunately but what happens in reality is that women will have to

initiate that for men to feel emotionally safe to do that but if we don't have the skills to do that. But if we don't have the skills to do that, then it's going to be hard to deeply connect. So to answer your question, sometimes it's first date I knew, other times it had to grow a little bit and that's okay too. I recently heard this advice. I want you to tell me what you think about this. I had a conversation with my partner about when we knew. And he talks about a point that was too... He was like, oh, I knew I was really in love with you at this month. What month was that? It was month three or four. He's like, that's when I knew I was feeling it.

Which we weren't in a relationship by then. But he was like, right at month three, I was like, oh, i don't want to let her go like i'm seeing this thing i felt like one one and a half months i was like oh i can tell this it'll be him a friend of mine said that's because men feel love in distance and that third month i was traveling a lot we were on tour so that's true so men need the space and she said that you felt super in love when you spent more time with him. Face to face. He didn't know until you were away. Would you recommend women to give, say no sometimes to dates or give it that space when men are very eager?

Not necessarily if they're feeling it, right? So again, going back to some of the boundary conversation that we talked about, we want to have one to two dates a week, right? The thing that I think women need to understand is that they control the pace of the relationship and the emotional depth of the relationship through your boundaries, right? And through your vulnerability. And so one of the things that I think is important is to make sure that you are in control of the pace, right? One of the things that can happen is, and this is what I also say for people who have these marathon first dates, right, that you really do want to make sure it's a couple of hours, if not more. If he wants to take you out again, let him take you out again, right? But the reason why I say that is because there's this thing called exposure bias, which is if something is in front of me a long time, I'm going to like it more. And so if you spend a lot of time with someone really fast, your brain will tell you because you're in their presence that you like them more. And when you like someone more, you

will let them get away with more than you would. That's how the fuck I ended up in my last relationship, the pandemic. I literally just brought this up in therapy. Like, me and Weezy were on our town hall last night with the patrons, and we're writing a book. And she started reading a few of my chapters and was surprised at how little my ex was in there.

And I ended up bringing it up in therapy today. And it's crazy because I've been having sex now for 18, 19 years of my life. He was three of them. But even in the way that I registered that relationship now is almost like it's a blip in the matrix. Because I literally say, had we not been in a pandemic, I can't say I would have ended up with him.

Because literally we met and we spent 20 days together. But it's because literally, because there was nothing else to fucking do. Nothing was open. Even our first date, we went hiking. He could have killed me. Probably should have known he was a sociopath then, but it was literally just because nothing was open. And so I literally, I think by day 25 was like, I love this person. And so now that I'm dating, a part of me is in fear that I maybe only even liked him because I had that time to spend because he was in front of me because me and Wheezy travel so much.

You weren't doing boyfriend, girlfriend stuff. I was cooking for him. I know that's my point though. When did you get to have that? But that's what I'm saying. Because of the blip in the matrix, bitch,

the pandemic had me cooking for a nigga cause restaurants wasn't open. You know what I mean? So it's so hard for me to date now and recognize what that relationship was because of when it happened. And so now when I'm trying to date, I'm just like, shit, out of sight, out of mind. And I feel like dating is that. So how does that work when you were swiping in Barcelona, different places? How does that work when long distance dating? Yeah. So you were talking a little bit about that. You were like, oh, two weeks they have to come and see me.

So what I say is depending on the location, because actually a lot of my clients get into medium distance relationships, like two to three hours away. Yeah. Atlanta, New York, medium distance. Well, maybe you're thinking car. Oh, yeah. Car or flight? Two to three hours away. Atlanta, New York. Medium distance. Well, maybe you're thinking car. Oh, yeah. Car or flight? Yeah, car.

Right? So like Atlanta to Chattanooga, Atlanta to Charleston. Alabama. Right? Or whatever. But flight too. Right? All right.

Girl, do your thing. I always say for long distance, he has to come and see you in the first month. Ooh. Okay. In the first month. In the to come and see you in the first month. In the first month. In the first month. Okay. In the first month. If he's in New York and he's a well-to-do somebody and you're in California, it might take a while.

Yeah. He might need to get to know you for a couple of weeks before making the determination that he wants to invest in that way. Even if he's well-to-do. It's not about money. It's about the effort of him coming to you. Well, no. I'm talking about from the man's perspective. He has to know, especially if someone is smart and successful,

the thing that I think people need to understand, and people give coffee dates a lot of shit, but wealthier individuals will actually go on more give coffee dates a lot of shit, but wealthier individuals will actually go on more informal coffee dates because they want to know that the investment that they're about to put into someone is going to be worth it. So they're doing their due diligence and they get to do that, right? So this is more about, is this person someone that I want to invest with or not? What's the ROI potentially? And there's three hours.

It's funny because the internet is completely against the coffee, the lunch. That was actually my next question. Let's debunk some stuff. But when you say the internet, I think a lot of black women specifically are against coffee dates. And the reason is because a lot of their experience have been low effort and have been with men that never had the means to actually be ready for a relationship.

Or they don't live in New York where they got the Starbucks two-story thing with cocktails. Y'all been to that thing? No, but still, I always kind of felt like coffee wasn't sexy enough for me, right? So for me,

it really wasn't the effort because to me we go for a walk in the park museum to me that can be super low effort you're not spending money right the coffee thing i for some reason always felt like there's people in and out there's to-go orders it's not a date vibe for girl to reserve hit the reserve more than the money so to me a little bit with the coffee was baby right after i drank this coffee we got three minutes of talking and then i'm gonna have to shit like and now i gotta shit on the first date like that's what coffee does to me i literally 30 minute dates just a quick interview but that's what i'm saying but then i ain't gonna be able to drink my coffee let's debunk one more splitting chats oh yeah not bro the internet we'll fight

about that we will i wonder do white will fight about that. We will. I wonder, do white people fight about that? Because I don't see it on white Twitter, but. I know. Men paying for the first date, an absolute for you? They have to pay for most of the dates. Okay. If not all of them.

I have my own strategy and I help my clients like date by date, figure out exactly what they need to do, what kinds of dates they need to be on, things like that. It is very, very important that a man pays for a date because what he is signaling is his potential to provide for you, right? I think most of us are in agreement of that. What I think the backlash from men is, is that they don't want to feel like they're being used for their money. Taken advantage of.

That's number one. But also, the dynamics have changed. When you look at the statistics and you actually break it out, single black women make more than single black men. I'm just talking about this. Oh, no, we know. They're the highest rated entrepreneurs. If I'm making, let's say, 60K and you're making 90K, why do I have to take the brunt of all of this?

This is the mentality. And so that's why you're seeing so much more 50-50. We're not having these conversations in the 80s and the 90s, even the early 2000s, right? It has only been since, you know, kind of black women have been killing the game. Most educated, right? Amazing degrees, amazing jobs and things like that, where you're starting to get this conversation. In what way then can a woman, so say we've gone on two or three dates. I've heard men who after three dates, she ain't even offer. She ain't offered a refill to hookah tips. You know what I mean? Like at what point can a woman show that she's interested without seeming to be masculine or seeming to emasculate the man or make him feel like he's not. This is what I tell my clients.

So like I was telling you before, date three is an inflection point. Okay. So one of the things that I think will be really important is don't offer to pay the check on date three. What you do is you bring a small gift to him on date three. Okay. That's $25, $20 or less. Thoughtful.

Considerate. Something that he wouldn't get for himself. That is based on his hobbies, his passion. Let's say he loves the Yankees. We're going to get him a Yankee hat or some socks or a shirt or something like that. Oh, this is cute. I like this. Yeah, yeah.

Understand this. When you do this, you're letting him know that you're not using him for a, he's not a bank to you and that you've heard him and that you're thinking about him because he just wants to be considered. You also have to understand that men do not receive presents or gifts and you can ask each and every one of them. They don't receive presents. They barely maybe even get a card from their mama. So when you give them a gift, what you will do is you will separate yourself from the other women out there.

And he will start to think of you as someone who is a potential girlfriend or wife and not just someone that he's hanging out with. I would like to be your protege. And I'll tell you why. Not joking. The last person I dated dated i got him a vinyl record on our fourth date i don't know why but i did it and he brought it up so often and it felt

like nothing to me it really is nothing but it's everything to him he was just like he would tell his friends he would tell people when we were meeting like oh my god she did this gesture like she heard me bring up lover's rock. That's my favorite type of music. I was like, but I did want him to know I cared about him, but I, I never thought about that. And I had started to tell girlfriends about that.

And then of course the thing is, well, he didn't get me a gift yet. So why am I starting to give gifts for someone who didn't give me a gift? I feel like that's the problem with homegirls. We got to, I think sometimes we got to watch a little bit of our homegirls. So the guy that you know

that, we'll talk, anyways, one of my dudes that I see, the very first time I met him, it was his birthday weekend, and I'm in the airport, and I'm like, shit, I know it's his birthday, so I go and I get him two colognes. And my friend probably got on

me so bad, because mind you, he had paid for my flight, paid for my room. I was having my own room, but I knew it was his birthday weekend. And so whether I would spend the whole weekend with him or not, I'm like, well, I should bring him something. And she got on me so hard because she was like, how are you buying him something before he buy you something? What kind of president is that? Now he's going to expect. So the fact that your friends even brought up to you.

It felt so natural for me to do. Same. But on the contrary, Mandy and I got into this conversation. I love to bring this up. We talked about that same guy I cooked for. And we were doing an episode with my mother years ago. And she's like, I can't believe you're cooking for him so early, blah, blah, blah. My mother was a housewife.

So all of this stuff had already been in my brain. Just, you know, make that one little meal, show them how you could be if, you know. We hear a lot about women cooking for men. What is your opinion on doing too much as a woman? Because we are supposed to show that we would be a great potential wife or girlfriend. How can you-

No. Oh, thank you. I said I was doing too much. But you did just make that comment when it came to the gift. Now in their head, that's what they're thinking. That's what they're thinking, but that doesn't need to be your motivation. Okay.

There's a difference, right? So you're doing it because he has shown you. He has invested. He's paid for two dates, right? So what you're showing is a level of reciprocation, respect, appreciation, and acknowledgement for how he's shown up for you so far. And also, what you will see if you choose to do this, people that are listening, is that he will pay for any date moving forward after that because he knows that you are someone that respects and honors that,

right? I think this is important. In terms of, see, what you're talking about is auditioning for a man. We don't do that. That's performance. And a lot of women are conditioned and like, you know, basically programmed to think that they have to audition and perform to be chosen. And what I'm here to do and for women to hear is that you actually get to be the chooser and women need to stop waiting to be chosen, right? And you get to choose based on your boundaries, right? You get to say, no, that's not going to work for me for me right and he has to kind of be in line with all of those or he's out i have a serious question not to be devil's advocate no please please these men that are out here dating let them be black attractive with a good job how can a woman

not show efforts I get the gift thing but seriously are we to think that there's not I just very rarely I'm sure you can agree with this when dating a decent guy

you look at a picture of their ex they're not just beautiful they've got a great job they're funny they're smart like there's something about them I've been fans of two girls

my boyfriend's not I never compare I never look at the ex though well what is the reason i'm not comparing mandy i'm talking about men having amazing options of women especially in these metropolitan cities i'm never saying oh my god she's got more xyz than me i'm just saying these girls are amazing like why should we be feeling like they're so lucky? Like, cause that is really where, and what you're saying, I'm not disagreeing with, because I do agree that women hold a lot of power in choosing, but I also think men do too.

A lot of these men are dating a bunch of amazing women and how should there not be an audition? Because I'm kind of wanting them to do that for me. How are they just supposed to choose me off of great conversations from five days? I think that's a great question. So let's take a step back because I think this is really important, especially for black women specifically. So just off the cuff, for every hundred black women, there are 88 black men. So there are literally not enough of them to

go around and when you also focus in on the fact that they are interracially black men are interracially dating three times the rate that black women are there are really not enough to go around especially in these metropolitan cities there are probably 20 to 25 percent more black women than black men. Atlanta and D.C. and Houston and all of these places. But this is the reason I'm giving you these numbers is so that you understand the dynamic similar to college, right? There are actually more women going to college than men. And so what happens is these men have six to eight women that are chasing after them, the well-to-dos that have a lot going on, and they get to choose. And so one of the reasons why maybe I get a lot of views or controversy is I think that a lot of black women should date

outside of their race and date everybody. That's a lot of the content I've seen. Most of the time I see people celebrate you, but when I see mean comments about you, it's those videos, right? Which, to be honest... They hate that I say it, and that's okay. Yeah, I don't want to hear it.

I personally... I know me and her recently on an episode went back and forth about it. Like when I was talking about just mentally getting over the trauma of not really feeling safe with black men, but still wanting to only be with and only being physically and sexually attracted to them. I have zero desire to date outside of black men. So when that seems to be normally the answer that people give me in terms of my journey through dating and finding love, it's a little frustrating, like personally, and ironically, it's coming from an interracial person, but interracial, biracial, I'm like, wait, I'm off here a little bit, but yeah, so I do want to hear a little bit more of this sentiment, I understand the statistics

and the odds, again, I'm about to be moving little bit more of this sentiment. I understand the statistics and the odds. Again, I'm about to be moving to Atlanta. My friends live there. I get it's fucking hard. But why is that the answer? Because there's power in choice. Okay. And you don't have much of a choice when you only hyper focus on black men.

You lose your power. So I did a lot of videos about the statistics of this right and if you just if you just focus on black men you're really only looking at one and this is for relationship ready well to do right you're looking at two percent of the population i thought you were about to say two people i thought that's what it feel like out here i thought it was a joke but think about this right two two two percent of men out there that are relationship ready that are ready to provide that are not gay that are not in jail that all of of this, right? The emotional intelligence. What I'm telling women is that when you, and I'm not just saying white dudes, everybody,

that you 7X your chances of being able to find your person because of the population that you are shopping in. Yeah? Okay, I'll open it to Dominican. I'm here it to Dominican. I don't really care what package it's in, ultimately. A lot of Black women do, but I do think it's important to understand that there's a passive and there's an active pressure to do so in the community.

Oh, of course. So I think it's important to understand that some of this is manipulation. Some of this is you can't do better. I hear a lot, you can't do better than us. Nobody wants you, right? There's a lot of commentary. Well, what about the Black race? You're in charge of keeping the Black race going, right? There's a lot of commentary that is pressurized so that black women feel like they have to do this whether it's conscious or subconscious and i think it's very important

to understand that if we were all born in china y'all would be into chinese men right so understand this right that this is also an exposure thing and I want to be really clear when I say this, but sensitive. This is also a trauma response for a lot of our unfulfilled relationships with our fathers. Can I ask you, even though... I'm the one with the black mom and black dad. I got the black dad, but I don't want... Ironically, I don't want anyone like my father. So for me, only wanting a black man, I find that difficult.

However, I will say in terms of my experience with others, only hearing you talk makes sense. So my mom, when she felt like she was done with black men because of just the failed relationships, and she's a white woman, when she tried to step out, the information that was brought back from her being on these dates was how she was hurt that none of them wanted to come back and meet her three black daughters. So to me, knowing that my mom is a white woman, no other race ever wanted to like be with a white woman with three black girls. I just never felt like any of them races wanted me, period. And then I also went to all black schools. So that was my

environment. That's what I grew up around, you know, but I guess that's how I felt it on the other end then. Not really my dad, but maybe my mom's experience. Yeah. I, again, if sometimes, and it works both ways. If you have a great relationship with your dad, you want to kind of reinvent that. Right. When you don't have a great relationship with your dad, you want to rewrite history so that you still feel like the void that you have within is filled with your new black partner. Does this connect with men with their mothers? Because I 100%, my dad and I have a great relationship. And there's one particular thing that my boyfriend just met him for the first time.

And I said so much how my dad's very affectionate and kissy and cuddly with me. And literally when we were in the car home, he's like, oh, I get it. Like your dad is very protective. My dad's in a wheelchair, but still it's like making sure I'm doing this and that and making sure I'm okay and seeing where I'm walking. And he's like, I get why you think you need a man like this because this is what you want. You watch your mom have healthy relationships. You don't even see a guy another way. On the contrary, when it comes to men and their mothers, I've experienced, I'm very much a host, let me take care of you person, even with girlfriends. And almost every man I've dated except for this one

has a weird relationship with their mom. So I'm attracting the guy who can't get off the tee, basically, because I'm that girl. That they're replacing you with their mother. Or who they wanted their mom to be. But that's what I'm saying, right? That's their core relationship. So that is how many times they are going to relate to women. So if their mother was

overbearing and abusive, they're going to probably be abusive toward women. They're not going to like women and they're going to try to feel like they have control over women because they never felt like they had control with their relationship with their mother. When it also like it's just making me think now when it comes to dating and needing to express trauma whether it be a relationship with your parents that are strained or whatever it might be do you think these things need to be spoken about before that two-month mark because to Wolf's's point, a year is insane, but I never really think about a relationship in two to three months because a lot of those deep, dark secrets don't come out for me for a while.

So can you tell me a little bit about what should be solved before the commitment? That's a great question. And I think it really speaks to the fact that a lot of people are getting into exclusive or committed relationships, thinking like they have to evaluate these people for marriage. And that's not necessarily the case. You need to be in a relationship, my opinion, you need to be in a relationship with someone to see how they show up within an actual relationship. Meaning I have emotional responsibility for you and you have emotional responsibility for me.

And I'm going to start to share with you more about myself, right? To think that you are going to know someone within two to three months. I always say you probably know two to 3% of somebody every week when you're getting to know them. So just thinking like maybe you know a third of them

before you get into an actual committed relationship with them. The rest of the relationship is continuing to get to know them and know them to maybe the 80% mark, 70%, 80% mark. So you don't think it's bad then? And right now all I can think of is the current partner. He takes a lot of pride in not having many girlfriends because he takes dating more serious however on the contrary if you're in relationships for two to three months as a woman he's like you have you've had so many

boyfriends I can't even keep up but I was that girl too like oh if we're not you know exclusive I'm out so do you think it may be wrong for people that are jumping in too quickly? Well, I think everyone gets to date however they want to, whatever feels good for them, right? And I would never want to deny someone if they feel like they're ready. Even like my clients, sometimes they feel like I'm ready and it's been two months, right? I might think, let's wait another month or so. But if they're ready, my job is to help my clients honor how they feel, what their intuition is telling them, because I feel like an intuition really will not stray you, right? And I want to make sure that women do trust that because it's very important in the dating process. So if you're telling me that you

are ready, who am I to say that you're not? Can I ask you then a question, especially with this being a horrible decision? Putting a note in my phone. Especially talking about intuition. What if I have the intuition to suck your dick on the first night? What do you tell your clients to maybe introduce sex early on with somebody? That was my question. Do we lose that power? They continue to have sex and then feelings evolve. Or like, how do you make sure that you're not cut off or just seen as the fun girl or just the sex partner if you actually do want more? But I don't want to call it a mistake, but you have to.

You will be put into a category. So Steve Harvey's right. Wait, you will be moved into that category. You will be moved into that category. So Steve Harvey's right. But you will be moved into that category. You will be moved into that category. First night. I spoke about this in a video and I think that men often put you in categories very early, whether you are kind of the desperate girl, whether you are the good time girl, he'll put you in the good time girl. Whether you're the good enough girl, whether you are the dream girl, whether you are the out of his league girl. That was a video that I did a while ago. I got that concept from a profile called Feminine Universe. yeah and it it is a hundred percent correct now i'm someone women y'all do whatever you want to do it's your body right i know for sure though that it probably will not help you in the courtship a couple of things happen one when no let's just say sex in general yeah right um i know that women get chemically bonded to men when they have sex

with them most women some women can hit it and quit it and not think twice you will be and you we all know that girl yeah that girl that right here i'm right here who is you know who has had sex with the guy everyone around her knows that that guy's not worth shit, but she literally is addicted to him because she is chemically bonded to him based on the orgasm that she had. These are all chemicals and hormones that are happening that are affecting the way that you're reasoning. On the flip side, what happens when a guy has sex with you is, especially early on and the emotional connection hasn't really happened, is he has a bonding hormone called vasopressin. And his vasopressin will decrease after he has sex.

So it will make him want to. This is science. Science. Science edition. Post-nut clarity. science science edition post nut clarity oh now i want to ask you guys because from i have so many male friends what you just said completely agree one of my male friends is in his mid-40s dating divorced i really think he just said to me those words i met my dream girl i don't know if like i'm ready for her that's what he said i don't know if i'm ready for her but like my dream girl

sent me a photo told me her job and he told me about a fun girl and I'm like oh my god what you're saying is so true the list and his roster is literally broken up into that he even said one day he had too many fun girls on the roster he's like now it's time for a smart one and we're laughing about it he's single divorce right like you're in your phase but like would y'all agree you have those we keep real i don't think this group of guys is like that no i disagree i don't think this group of guys i talked three out of four about what i've heard them say mainly i mean wolf was in a relationship there is in a relationship and so we've talked so much about that but yeah i mean i think y'all have even said stuff like that to me especially you dave but it's fine's fine. 3 a.m. drunk talks.

Not the call out. It's the middle of the show. Hold on. He's literally chilling and you calling him out like this, girl. You niggas ain't going to answer me. I'm going to put all your shit on the street. I don't think these guys are in. I'm trying to save the room and she's like, actually, no.

Don't save them. They don't want to be saved. That's crazy. The pie theory. I really loved what you said i think that would help women so much just hearing about how to date can you tell us a little bit about how you came up with that and if you've if you've learned that throughout the 15 years if you always kind of started with that no i it's something that continues to evolve and develop with time. Pi really stands for physical, intellectual, and emotional connection.

I always tell my clients and for you all out there as well, you want to, after every date, after every month, you want to be evaluating how the date was and how he is. Physical, intellectual, emotional, and take the average of that, right? So let's say he's a seven physical, but like a 10 intellectual and emotional. I want to let you know, that's the cheat code. I was going to say that's kind of a winner. You want, but I actually go for like a 10, a 10, seven, seven, seven. But that's. I was going to say, that's kind of a winner. You want... But I actually go for like a 10, 7, 7, 7. But that's what I was saying before, right?

Many of us will hyper-focus on the physical because our emotional, we get to develop it, we need to develop it a little bit more. So, because I know that if he starts out at a 7, he might grow to a 9 with time. Right? So, but I, I also want women to, um, also take into consideration the financial. Okay. Right. High is its own thing,

but he might have it all. He might be hot. He might be smart. He might have emotional capacity, but he might be poor. How can you have all those things? Pief. Pief. Pief. We'll ruin your life. Pief. Okay. I mean, I think that that's what you have to consider now.

You must. You must. You must. Eggs is $10. It will. But the other thing is, especially if you are dating and you are a smart and successful woman, you need to find someone that makes at least 80% of what you make. Okay, I like that math. Why do I say that?

A man who made significantly less than you do will always feel emasculated, will always feel inadequate. And what that means is that he will try to humble you and he will try to bring you down to his level so that he feels better about himself. Yeah. Yeah. I did not see that really with my ex until the growth. So I hadn't really expected to meet someone that was making 80% of what I made, but I realized through growing, there were a lot of little comments. He wasn't an abusive guy or really even a mean guy, but just this little stuff for his own ego where he would start to say, oh, you see how now you're doing your photo shoot with Essence? I

remember that day, who put you on to wear stuff like that? And I'm like, who cares? Literally, just they all look good. But I agree. There's these little things they'll try to pick out to make you feel smaller. And I do see some differences with financial status. In today's culture, I'm curious, a lot of women are meeting men because it's so easy to access a celebrity, a podcaster, an athlete. What has been your advice when women are dating famous men? Because I haven't seen that my friends have been successful at all with it. Don't. Simple. Don't. Or let them be your fun boys or toys. Even that can be really tricky. Okay.

Because you will get enamored with the lifestyle and then you will want to really truly be a part of it. Okay. I say don't for a number of reasons. So let's just say athlete, right? All day, every day, this person is the center of attention. So by being in a relationship with him, you will always be a second-class citizen in your own relationship. Which doesn't feel good for anybody. The reason why this person got to where he is, I'll just put it for him, is that he has always strived for better, better, better. He's always wanting to improve. And he will often want you to do the same thing and not accept you for who you are.

He'll want you better. And if he doesn't want, if you don't become better, he will cheat on you. What did we just have a conversation? We did. One of my friends, he's making past $100 million. Started dating a girl that worked at TJ Maxx.

Obsessed with her. Thought she was so smart. She was in a managerial role. She is gorgeous, but he's like, I'm happy, I'm happy, I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. I'm happy. A few months ago, someone asked for a follow-up about this and asked him what happened with her. He said, she broke up with me. I'm like, why? He's like,

she said that she always felt for me like she wasn't good enough. He's like, but I never made her feel that way. I said, really? Are you sure? And he said, I mean, there were moments where I'd say things to her like, you could be doing X, Y, Z. I'll pay for you. And so, yeah, she just wasn't interested. She likes working in retail. She came from the bottom up. He said he kept trying to push her.

And he said, but how was I the person that's wrong when I'm just being supportive? And I completely agree with you. How can he not date someone else who's another TV exec or whatever? She'll never maybe be a hundred millionaire, but yeah, I can see that. You may never be good enough. Yeah. The last point I will make, which I mean, some girls will like this, some girls won't, is that for those sorts of individuals, you'll need to be more open sexually because they may be into kinkier shit. And am. Yeah. And is. And do. If you can, you know, I love McDonald's fries. And if I had it three times a day for an entire month,

at some point I would need onion rings. Onion rings. so uh-huh what does that mean that means like i might get into men i might get into a variety of different things right yeah so i think it's important like if you're gonna do that be ready for that but also be a match for that i'm ready and i have girls that have always talked about sexual freedom, expression. We're bisexual. And I meet so many women that are getting into relationships with men that are having a threesome because... The man one. You know? Yeah.

If you don't want to taste it, I don't think you should be jumping in there. But, again, I think finding someone who's with a matching lifestyle is more fitted. Just one quick one. Any advice you've given that you regret? Maybe that whereas the times have changed in 15 years of dating, even if you gave advice about being 50-50 with finding anything,

has there been something that you're like, nah? That's a good question. I think it's more specific. Like it's really, sometimes it's really tricky to be a dating coach for grown-ass people, right? And so earlier on in my career, if my client said, I'm doing this, da-da-da-da-da, go girl, do it, do it. But what I've learned as I've continued to coach is that sometimes pushing back does help. And saying, actually, I don't think this is a good idea and I'm going to tell you why. To help to protect them from doing things or engaging with

people that really aren't for them. So I think it's not necessarily a specific piece of advice. I think me not saying something when I should have is like the thing that I would regret. Like, oh, you're going to do this. You know, you're going to be in his car and date one or go to his house on date two. Okay. Now, as a coach, I'm firm with,

that's not really kind of the perspective of my program. Like, I would not suggest this. And I'm going to tell you the 17 reasons why, right? They get to still do it if they want to, but at least my conscience is clear. And I know that I've done everything that I can to keep my clients as safe as possible. I want to sponsor a program for one of our listeners

that really feel like they need it and may not be able to afford it. But I'm also like, I don't know if we could talk numbers, but please let them know your website. It's in the four figures for sure. It's in the four figures. Yeah. Okay. I'll do 30%. Can they do a payment plan? Yeah. We have tons of payment plans available. And so your program, is it targeted just for them? And how long is it? Yeah, so I work specifically with black and brown women. And it's anywhere from six to 12 months. Most of my clients will get their guide between, let's say, months six and nine.

But if you're in Atlanta, Texas, Florida, California, it's probably going to take you 12 to 15 months. Wow, that's a really honest answer. And that is worth four figures if it's six months to a year. Okay. No, I'm for real. I want a lot of our whorehive, when we do this next town hall, seriously tell me if you're considering this.

I really believe in what you're saying. I feel like most pieces of advice I hear maybe don't relate, but a lot of the things you've said have either worked for me or I've heard elsewhere. So I really believe in this specifically for Black women that are listening and that I know we've had

so much trouble dating. This show is, what? I said eight years and eight. It ain't. It's seven. Seven and change. Almost eight. We wouldn't have content

if they weren't bad. If we had you on episode three instead of 400, we may have not about a show. So please... Even that was off. We ain't at 400 yet, but keep going. So three instead of 400, we may have not about a show. So please tell people where to find you and how they can connect best with you. Yeah. So on socials, I am dating coach Anwar, A-N-W-A-R.

You can go to my website, getyourguycoaching.com. If you are interested in learning a little bit more about what I do, or you can book a call on the website if you want to figure out a little bit more about my programs. By the way, if you are listening to us on Apple or the iHeartRadio app, or tuning in watching us on YouTube, all of that information will be in the description of this week's episode. So make sure you go ahead and click those links. Also, make sure you subscribe.

Hello, leave a comment, rate, review, those links. Also, make sure you subscribe. Hello. Leave a comment. Rate. Review. All the things. Help us climb the charts. And if you want more bonus content, Wheezy mentioned the town hall. That's right.

Make sure you join us on Patreon once a month. We record an episode with all of you. I think last month we had about 120-something people up in there joining us, and they're also up to date on our fucked up lives. Well, mine fucked up, not so much yours. Anyways,

join us on Patreon. That's patreon.com backslash horrible decisions. I'm literally just thinking of pricing. This is, sorry, I have ADD. My homegirl just paid 12,000. She's in her forties.

She lives in Atlanta. Maybe it's millionaire matchmaker, not just matchmaker. I think she's like finding someone that's just like really targeted and serious and just for you to say

it's four figures I'm like I do think that is probably $9,999 by the way can I just say something if you're a black woman

do not get a matchmaker they will they will don't ever get a matchmaker now we gotta do a part two. Dating coach versus matchmaker. Okay. Okay.

There's something. She hired a matchmaker, not a coach. Yep. Understood. Boom. I know she did. Thank you. He said, I know.

And that's why your friend is single. That's what he really said. Thank you. Thank y'all. This has been yet another episode of Hormecisions. Peace. So I guess before I started, I wanted to give like my own voicemail to you guys because I would love to know your thoughts. I'm recording with Wheezy in a little bit, but I'm like, I don't have my thoughts all together just yet on how to express this. And so I just kind of wanted y'all to drop your comments

on maybe where I'm at, so I had therapy yesterday, and I'm in this weird place on battling if I'm a good person or not, and it's because of my current thoughts in how I want to show up romantically, how I want to show up for people, like, right now, I hate people, which is crazy, because I'm a very social person, but I have recently just feel, like, I felt like my social battery is completely drained, and where normally it recharges, bitch, it's not. It's not recharging how I'm used to. Romantically, I'm in this kerfuffle, right? Y'all have heard by now that I went on a date with a couple, and I'm trying to figure out even if my need to want to be poly is so that I could only give but so much to somebody, I'm battling with the idea that a relationship, you have to give someone your all.

And baby, I don't have it. I don't want to show up the bare minimum in relationships because I know I put so much effort into my friendships and into my work, but romantically and in terms of even making new platonic relationships, your girl ain't got it. And I don't know if it's because I feel like I received the bare minimum when I gave my all. Also just like, and y'all know I no longer have that other podcast, that relationship, I feel like I am, what's the word, I'm not mourning it, because I don't miss it, I'm not grieving it, but it's one of those where it's like, bitch, like for all that I've done, this is where I end,

and to know that that's like the same feeling I had with my last relationship and my ex, I am really just like, I fucking hate people, and so when I'm questioning if I'm a good person or not, I'm just like, is it okay that I only want to show up and give the bare minimum right now? Like, am I allowed to be this selfish and it be okay? Like, am I able to say, I really want to see you tomorrow and then maybe I don't want to text or talk to you for two days. And is that okay? And is that acceptable? Like, because I accept it. Like, I don't need someone to hit me all day every day I think you guys heard me and wheezy go back and forth on that too. Like I think that's why A relationship right now just sounds like everything I would hate

But is that me just wanting to show up as a shitty person? I don't know. So if you guys if you understand what i'm saying write it in the comments Is being selfish does that make you a bad person, does wanting to show up in a way that only serves you bad, am I, like, drop your, I hope any of you guys are even, you know, I actually don't hope any of you guys are on the same plane as me right now because it sucks. Because I love giving. I love being a giver. Y'all know that I'm a pleaser.

And baby, right now, I just, I don't know. And it's been since, it's been this year. I think touring with Tonight's Convers conversations and being around all those rooms and all those personalities for about five months touring the breakup of see the thing is uh Weezy and I's relationship demands a lot um in order to just communicate effectively um finally getting over my ex but running into him and reliving all of those feelings and then just business-wise like people just being shitty the internet being really shitty and I think a part of I know y'all gonna say bitch stop reading the comments bitch stop reading the comments it's

a lot harder than you guys think um and so I think it's difficult where I'm questioning how I show up while the internet is also telling me I'm undeserving of love. I'm undeserving of, you know, a man would never put a ring on my finger anyway. So, bitch, what you talking about? So you just caught a segment from our bonus content over on Patreon. We have so much more bonus content, BTS, live episodes, hundreds of hours. How are you not subscribed? Go right now, patreon.com backslash horrible decisions.