The Bridge with Peter Mansbridge - What Do You Mean, You Have Donald Trump As A Guest? How About Mark Critch! The Race Next Door (#17)

Episode Date: November 2, 2020

Mark Critch tries to get us in the right mood for tomorrow's action. The 22 Minutes star calls in from Halifax for a bit of fun.

and hello there peter mansbridge here with the latest episode of the bridge daily the day before the big day tomorrow is election day in the u.s man, if we get a special show for you today, we have one of the men himself. He's going to be here in just one minute, but I want to tell you something about tomorrow, first of all, because we'll all be sitting in front of our little TV sets and our jammies tomorrow night watching the results come in. We're going to do an episode of the Bridge Daily tomorrow much earlier than normal. It'll be released probably somewhere around lunchtime tomorrow

which will be kind of a viewer's guide. I guess Bruce and I will give you some sense of what to watch, who to watch, what to watch for, the whole bit. We'll give you what we can. Get it out early so you can watch it before the action starts. So that's the

advisory on tomorrow's show. But as I said, today's show, today's show, our special guest, absolutely deserves this opening. And Mr. President, good to have you with us, sir. Peter Personbridge, perhaps the biggest lying liar of the Communist Broadcasting Corporation. So many bad people up there in Canada, way up north, next to Korea, doing terrible things. What a bad prime minister Jason turned down. I know a lot about him.

Jason's a very bad guy and a lot of trouble there. SNC-Lavalin, one of the biggest swindles ever swindled. So much COVID up there. A lot of it in British Columbia. I don't like British and I really

hate the Columbia. If it was me, I would put a wall between British and Columbia and I'd make Columbia pay for it. But Jason turned down. And of course, who are we listening to? We're listening to Mark Critch, who's joining us today from Halifax. And we'll probably go in and out of that great imitation of Donald Trump. I got to ask you, Mark, first of all, it's great to have you with us. It's terrific that you took your time out of your day. Great to be here. Long-time listener, first-time caller.

Absolutely. Now, listen, I got to ask you, because you do a lot of different imitations and you do a lot of great comedic work, but there's no doubt in these last couple of years, Trump has been a major part of your routine. And I got to wonder for you what the stakes are tomorrow night. I mean, if he loses and he's history and he's gone, I mean, you're going to have to come up with a whole new act.

Are you kind of secretly hoping for Trump because it works for you? Not even secretly. I mean, bills have to be paid, Peter. I mean, look, it's horrible for the earth, but for me personally, like many Trump voters, I'm only thinking about myself, you know? And I mean, this has been a whirlwind of comedic opportunity. Nobody saw this coming. I don't even think Donald saw this coming. And, you know, it's it's it's become it's an easy joke to make and it's an easy punch line. The American presidency. but there's also

so much stuff you know like if you're normally we do our show weekly so and we will some don't say oh I don't know we don't really have anything Oh Trump's got COVID you know it's always something will pop up and it's in audiences love it and Joe Biden it's not nearly as interesting. Even Hunter's not that interested in Joe. You know, it's kind of dry. So I would hate to see him go, but I don't think he'll go very quietly. So that might be fascinating, too. Al Gore, Bush, stolen election kind of a thing to happen so that we get a couple of months of him holding around the base of the toilet while Secret Service agents pull him. And he's still frantically trying to tweet and get out of the gold-plated White House would be fantastic.

Well, I got to believe, Mark, it's great to talk to you. Thanks for joining us. I got to believe that there is a version of him losing, even if it happens quickly tomorrow night, which is probably my preference, to be quite honest. who are kind of mad with the infection of celebrity at a completely different level than they enjoyed before. I don't know if enjoyed is the word. And maybe there'll be a TV show, but there'll certainly be a lot, I think, of stuff for him to work with in the months ahead as he kind of re-litigates his greatest hits and the things that kind of amuse him. I've been wondering, until you started this podcast today, whether or not the art of making fun of Donald Trump was simply about saying the things that he says, like Sarah Cooper does, which is pretty funny in and of itself,

or whether you can take that stuff and make it funnier still by reinterpreting it and making it even more wild, which is what you did. And I think I have the answer to that. Both are funny, but take it to the next level and it's funnier still. Have you had a lot of people react to that? Oh, God, yeah. I mean, people really enjoy it, and the thing is you're exaggerating it and and you're making it more clown like but there are certain things that ring true you know like he's created this world where you can't go too big you you can't say something too outrageous and uh truth doesn't really matter and so people kind of laugh

the more ridiculous you are and the further you go with it in exaggeration but also you know things like you know the regeneron and the drinking the bleach and the this and that there are so many things that if you had done them a few years ago in a sketch people say what are you doing that's too far it's too campy and now you can't even do what he's actually doing. You know, like if this was a George Bush thing and you said, oh, this is saying, and I'm going to do him. George Bush is going to drink bleach. You got to get out there and you got to drink some bleach, people. People go, oh, come on, Mark. That's ridiculous. It's like, but he's doing it now. So it's hard to keep up with it. And I think if he loses, I think there's going to be, you know, yes, there's going to be this huge uproar.

But the kids are so invested in this brand that has received so much damage. I mean, now with the tax return information coming out, the casino deals, et cetera. Like for actual real business people, the brand has become so damaged by this presidency, they need something. I think within a year, you'll have Trump News Network and it will be the real news. The fake news is over there and it'll go into a broadcast

and try and control this message to gain even more power for the next run at the White House, which by then there'll be all these conspiracy QAnon theories of how the whole thing was rigged and stolen from him. And you will have another generation of people brought up with the idea that the White House was stolen from people who really work hard and care about you like the Trumps.

And then you have a Ivanka Donald ticket or Don Jr. ticket or something. So I mean, I think they'll immediately go into, because he's not, he's, yes, he's broad and manipulative and self-centered and narcissistic, et cetera, but he's not stupid. You know, like he knows how to manipulate millions of people. Do you think, do you really think he does? Do you think he, he has that ability to do that? I mean, they all talk about, well, you know, he had a TV show, and his producer taught him all kinds of things in terms of how to use television.

So there's this assumption that at least in TV terms, he's smart, even though his show eventually bombed. But, you know, it did have a good run for a few years. But do you really think he is smart on that level? I think so. He's a barker. He's a circus barker, old time. I've got the cure.

Come on up. And you only need, like, a guy who shows up in a frontier town and is selling bottles of stuff off the back of a wagon that's a miracle cure. He only needs to sell a bottle he only needs you there and then once he can move on to the next town and i think he's a lot like that when he goes into one of these big rallies he's selling everybody a bottle and he sold it the first year no problem and now this year it's a little tougher because a lot of stuff he said last time wasn't going to happen but oh yeah but

this is this is a bigger now within you got you know things like covid coming up and the anti maskers they're not going to have no trouble going to the polls you know they're not afraid of anything so i i think that he certainly knows how to communicate in the shortest form to put out something china's bad uh etc you know like just really short first which is why he's so good at twitter he can't give you a nuanced argument he can't give you facts or figures he can say somebody's lying he can talk about the hunter uh biden laptop thing is something that you know i think he's plummets this isn't working now and this is where you're seeing some of this stuff now it's starting to crumble where these things are put out there.

Last time, the emails, like, crooked Hillary, what a liar, tremendously annoying. And then that became an issue, hot and cold, hot and cold. But this laptop thing, except for the real crazies, didn't seem to catch on for him enough. And he's like he's trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with the machine. This isn't spitting out fast enough. But I think it seems to be getting a bit paranoid.

It seems to me like I'd like to know what you think about this. He seems to me to be this incredible figure that it's easy and fun to make fun of. I don't mean easy in a sense of I don't know very many people who could do it the way you do. But but there's a lot to laugh at. But he doesn't seem to ever get the joke. And in fact, I remember the fact that I think he was the first president who said, I'm not going to the White House Correspondents Dinner because they made fun of me when I sat in the audience. And so now there's been four years of people making fun of him. And I don't know about you, but I've been kind of as I doom scroll in the middle of the night, I try to find something to laugh at.

And I'm watching Stephen Colbert and he's just reached a new level of funny as far as I'm concerned, just because of Donald Trump. And I'm listening to you and thinking this is such a tonic. to be the only guy well maybe his kids as well who don't i don't know if they even notice the jokes or or get them on some on some fundamental level and uh what do you make of that is he is he incapable of a sense of humor the way that people say that he doesn't have any empathy well yeah i i think like for years part of his branding has been to show up for anything. Back in the heyday of him as a celebrity, he'd show up for anything as long as he was being portrayed as the richest and the best, whether it's a cameo in Home Alone or he'd be on Regis with Regis Philbin all the time. And Regis would be like, you're fantastic.

You're so rich. You're so good looking. Well, it's true. And he would love that kind of a thing. But the second it becomes a critique or saying, well, you're not actually that rich, are you? It's very upset. And there's footage of him walking out of all kinds of interviews when people would ask him about business failing or something like that. So I guess the idea is to put himself out there so that the everyday folk would think, oh, the richest person in New York is Donald Trump.

And not the absolute business people, but those people who are going to buy the Miracle Tonic one day, that kind of a thing. But he doesn't like these jokes. He labels them as an attack the same way he labels any investigation of a journalistic nature as fake news. So he immediately says it's a lie, and he doesn't have a very good sense of humor. He will play up himself as basically as the Monopoly man on SNL or something like that. But the second it goes past Jimmy Fallon rubbing his hair, he doesn't like that at all because he's a narcissist.

He's a complete narcissist, yeah. Oh, totally, totally. I wanted to, Peter, do you mind if I just jump in with one other thought, which is I'm curious how you found it to get in that zone where you help people laugh at him because they need it, because people need it, without making it seem that you think what he's doing to the world is funny. There's a line because of the importance of the role that he plays. And whether it's, you know, kids in cages or many of the other things that Black Lives Matter, that people can look at and say, this is really meaningful and damaging to the world or to my life or to people that I care about.

And so on the one hand, you know, if you're somebody like me and you're just observing humor, you could say, well, maybe it's hard to make fun of that without looking as though you think it's funny. And yet I watch what you do. And I go, you found that way to make us kind of have that release of a laugh at his expense, but not ever to look like you're somebody who's minimizing the real life impact that a guy like that can be having. Have you thought about that? Or is it come more natural? Cause you've been in this, this kind of field for, for quite some time now. Well, it's a bit of the emperor has no clothes or something type thing. I think whenever you're making it,

it's always, you know, kicking up, I guess we call it in the, in the, in the comedy business. And, you know,

if you take a political cartoon and there's a guy in a top hat and like a Charlie Chaplin trap character, if there's only two people in there and the same action, say one kicking the other. So if the tramp is kicking the guy in the top hat in the bump, it's funny. If it's the other way, it's not. Right. So and that's the way all this kind of stuff works. You know, and then when you look at like going back to going back to, not to compare myself in any way with, but if you look at Charles Chaplin with the Great Dictator, when he played this Hitler character, it was before the stages of the war. He saw something that he hated. I hate it. And he thought, well, the best way for me to deal with this is to show people and to convince people that this guy is a buffoon and a liar and a coward. And I can do that by making him a character and coloring people's perception.

And while doing that, while they're laughing, you can let them know a few of the things he's actually doing. And because a lot of times people don't watch, you know, the news or whatever. Or they might share a clip I'm in or they might watch a show like ours, etc. Or they might watch Colbert. And they're watching Stephen and they're going, oh. And same thing, especially in Canadian comedy. You have to start off with an explanation of the news story, a little recap, you know. This happened today and this is why this is a bad thing.

And then you go into making fun of it. Now, the people didn't necessarily know about what happened a minute ago but now they're laughing at it because they do know something so they kind of take a little pride in the ownership of that oh i get that joke because i know about that even though they didn't know about it two minutes ago so you're constantly trying to put a little bit of medicine in as well and hope that people go away with knowledge of the event, and then maybe a little bit of an argument as to why that would be a bad thing. I want to look for the Canadian trumpet, there is such a thing, but first of all, before I ask you that, I want to know, how long does it

take you to get in character, so to speak? Like, I mean, you sat down, you've been busy all day, you sat down, bang, we make the Zoom call, we connect and I throw at you right away to beat Trump and you bang, you're into it. Like, immediately. So is it that fast or do you have to get yourself somehow

into character? Oh God, no. Once you kind of get somebody and you kind of you figure them out and then you watch them a little bit oh my god okay and the thing with trump is absolute confidence no matter what right doesn't matter what he's talking about that's in the world that that's the way it is quite frankly frankly. And once you have that, and that's the thing with him, and he's constantly, constantly trying to validate his opinions and back them up with nothing.

So he'll be like, Peter Madsbridge is a terrible journalist. A lot of people are saying it. A lot of the biggest names are saying it. You've heard them. And then they go, and then people are like, oh, yeah, a lot of people are saying it. Who? Nobody said it.

You just said it. And then he's always saying, you know, he tried to get me for interviews. I wouldn't do it because I'm the only person who's never interviewed. I've seen you be interviewed. But, you know, so he's constantly reassuring himself, you know. And so he's the most confident, yet also the most insecure person at the same time. And so you just kind of go into it. And he's very, he's very easy to be because he's not being authentic to begin with. He's playing a role. You've seen him, you know, you've seen somebody else play that role. And so you're like, okay, I'm going to, I'm going to also put on the orange face. So when you do this to a canadian audience when you do trump for a canadian audience um i looked at our polling there's 75 this would be the reddest state if

it was a state um i'm curious to know if somebody said hey mark why don't you come down to wyoming which i guess is the bluest state um Maybe I got that wrong. The most Republican state in America. Would you go, no, I'm not going to go down there and try this out because they're not going to like it? Or would you feel like that would be a really interesting challenge? I could make those people laugh at my Trump or my jokes about Trump, and I would love to give it a shot. Well, there are guys who do Trump in the red

states, you know, and there's one guy, he's the dancing Trump. And then there's this other guy who showed up on this night show a couple of times and he's very much a corporate entertainer, you know, and they all do things where they'll be Trump and it's a bit different and it's not so bad. It's more of a, this kind of a thing. And they're very regimented and, you know, it always ends with like stars and stripes and uh something and moving forward as a country we will become and reagan will come down and he'll kiss me i was like you know you get into this this other thing so you can't do it um i've been to rallies like american you know far-right rallies tea party rallies and covered all those things in the past and stuff like that and it's an interesting thing where they are very

it's he's an evangelical preacher right and once you get them there it's very easy to ramp them up it's very easy to get them going and it's also very easy to get yourself punched in the face i was at one one time um i guess when carrie was running and there's a bush thing and i was down somewhere in the south florida i don't know but i was at this rally and i've been going around like just you know some guy from canada or whatever and we were, I saw Fox News there. And I thought, oh, I know. And people were like, I'm not going to talk to you. Where are you from? Canada.

And I said, my camera. Let's go over by the Fox News there. And I'm sitting with a microphone. And people are going to come around. And man, I tell you, it was like, it was like walking into a coyote infested area with red meat around your neck. These guys just started coming and you could see them coming. Everybody's pointing like, hey, Fox, he got a microphone. And they all started coming.

I don't know. Where, where, where so-and-so? Where's Chef? You know, I was like, I don't know. I don't know. Where's Bill O'Reilly? I'm like, I don't know. I don't know.

And then I started asking about, you know, well, what do you think? And what do you think of Canada? What do you think of this? And everybody's like reaching for the microphone like it was the last chopper out of Saigon. And that was a golden god. And I felt the power, you know. And I'd be saying things and I'd be like, you know, are those people up there in Canada? They're evil.

And they're trying to steal your money. And they're lying about health. And then, oh, I didn't think it was. I brought down a bunch of vials. And I was telling people it was a vaccine when they were coming up to get her a vaccine during the H1N1 or something. Or flu vaccine. Flu vaccine. And I ended up giving Carrie a vial of flu vaccine.

Anyway, and I was just throwing them at these vials off the top of the Fox News truck into the crowd. And they'd be like, oh, box frame! And anyway, so I've been this guy. And it was the very start of people having phones with all the stuff. And this guy said, I just looked up 22 minutes because it was my flag.

And people thought that Fox affiliate locally was 22 or something. And he goes, he's a Canadian comedian comedian he's trying to make you look stupid and they all look at you and i said i said exactly what a lying democrat would say to silence your voice and they all started chasing that guy on the bicycle like get out of here, you lying Democrat! And he started right away, he goes, no, I'm telling the truth! And that's what the slight found in, you know? It's very easy to become their god,

but they will eat you alive if they find out you're lying. Is there any, you know, like there's nobody like Trump anywhere in terms of, you know, another political figure anywhere in the world. When you look at our cast of characters on this side of the border, who has potential?

I mean... Well, I don't know. It's kind of like you don't get that same mass appeal. You don't get that same star power, right? It just doesn't happen in Canada except for little Trudeau. But the Dauphin, people know him. But the rest of them, he's a superstar. Everybody knows Justin.

And even if they don't like him, it's kind of like, oh, Justin Trudeau, he's rude in Alberta. I'll get a quick picture of him after that. But they still – and Canadians still kind of think of him almost like a family member, I guess, because he's been grown up. No matter what, even if you hate him, you're kind of like, oh, well, you know. But so you're not going to have that kind of a thing. It's going to be it just doesn't exist, you know. But, I mean, when it comes to using social media to push a certain view, I think it's interesting to see what Aaron O'Toole is doing these days

with a lot of these social media videos he puts out there. And then, of course, a lot of people with your Canada Prouds and your Canada Strongs and your Canada This and your Rebel News. And there's all these different ways to say things that you yourself either have too big of a moral high ground to say or you don't want to be associated with. And these are all, you know, allegedly run out of these campaigns and people who used to work for these organizations end up in the campaign and what they're trying to do and what they are doing is putting out this this false information this leading information with the rapid cuts on facebook and social media um in a way to uh

kind of circumvent having to go with new media. And that is easily done these days. But you only really get, you're not convincing anyone of anything like that. You're getting people to double down and follow you. But I think often many people are like, oh, well, you know, I've lived all my life. I just need this, you know, kind of crowd video. I don't know.

I'm very suspicious. But I'm noticing more and more of that crap, and I find that a bit troubling. But I mean, I don't think there's anyone comparable. Do you? Is there someone you think of? I don't think so. So let me frame it a different way. Who's the easiest Canadian to make fun of? It could be any. My shirtless friend, Justin, of course.

The great thing about Justin is his own opposition. I mean, everything that's happened to Justin has been kind of a Justin-created thing, you know? So it's fascinating to see whether it's, you know, the helicopter or the avalanche or this or that or the other thing. You know, he's, and he has a lab lamp, and this, and that, and the other thing. You know, he's always

good for a story, and not to mention the love for costume. But, so there's like that India trip, for instance, for a comedian. I mean, Kukar, like, you know, you're sitting there, and I'm like, oh, yeah, he's going to India. I wonder, and he's like, what's he wearing?

Why is he dressed like Celine Dion going to a wedding? What's happening? And it's like, it was just amazing. So Justin is, that's the thing. Right now, I would think years ago, like, oh boy, who's going to come in? How long can you do this? And then we have Justin Trudeau and Donald Trump. I can't imagine for a comedian, you're going to get that kind of thing.

Because the great thing about Justin in Canada is for Canada, for anyone who can go up and make a Trump joke or a Trump impression, and you know exactly who you're talking about. It's not like that, my friends, with Canadian politics. So if you're a Canadian political comedian and you're kind of like, oh, Aaron O'Toole, and they're like, who? Who are you talking about? I have no idea. Even Andrew Scheer, OK? I will go out to our oh, Aaron O'Toole. And they're like, who? Who are you talking about? I have no idea. Even Andrew Scheer. Okay. I will go out to our audience, people who watch our show.

And I will go out. If I just said, Andrew Scheer said this today and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. 60% of people have no idea who Andrew Scheer is. And then I was never getting in an argument with the politics and the press gallery with somebody who worked on this campaign. I thought, he's going to do great. He's going to win. I'm like, no, it's possible. I said, why? And I said, you don't know anything or whatever. I'm like, look, I'm just telling you. Because politicians get surrounded by people who know way too much in these bubbles. And that doesn't matter. What matters is you walked into a mall. I said, we'll go up to the mall across the street right now.

We'll leave here. We'll go over to this mall. Okay? I will give you $100 for everyone who knows who Andrew Sheeran is. If you'll give me $5 for everyone who doesn't. Come on. He's, no, no, no. I am serious.

Why don't you make a lot of money come on i'll give you a hundred dollars for everybody he wouldn't take me up on this guy works on his campaign because he knows and i've been at events and i've seen and i was with andrew uh at the saint john's regatta the biggest oldest sporting event in north america thousands of newfoundlanders are there watching this regatta around this lake and politicians always come to it and walk around. He was so long in by himself and he'd gotten separated from Chess Crosby who was the provincial conservative leader, he's not the great John Crosby. So Andrew kind of walks up to him and says, hey, Mark.

Hey, Andrew, how's it going, man? How's it going? Oh, pretty good. I'm not separated from Chess. Okay, cool, cool, cool. You want Andrew, how's it going, man? How's it going? Oh, pretty good. I'm not separated from chess. Okay, cool, cool, cool. You want to hang out with me for a while? Oh, that would be nice. You know what I mean?

That is the man who would be king. Not going to happen. Here, king. Here, king. It's not going to happen. So, yeah, that's the problem with doing jokes about people. People, Canadians don't know it in enough detail actually to follow the joke so when you have somebody like a trudeau or even a kevin o'leary when he was

running god that's great people know mckay because of the helicopter thing you know like you say mckay to the audience but the helicopter died right but uh yeah so it's not like the states in that way at all we just don't have that yeah there's a scale i think as well to you know what a president does i've been watching some of the aaron o'toole videos and on social media that you mentioned and you know he's railing about china a lot it's like he's trying to whip canadians up to be really angry about china and in my experience you know people are frustrated with china but they're probably not going to get that angry with china they're not going to get as angry as aaron o'toole wants them to get with china trump on the other hand wanted to get americans mad at uh muslims and then at mexico and

and at china for sure and um i guess until maybe more of the family members were doing more business with china who knows exactly what changed the articulation of the China argument? But then there was this great spectacle of we got to be really freaked out about North Korea. And I'm going to personally go over and meet with Kim Jong-un. And I'm going to solve this for you in a hotel in Vietnam. And that just, you know, when I think back over the last four years, I kind of, how many things were there that could have and were and should have been made fun of, because they were just these grand ideas that he had that never turned into anything. I mean,

two or three weeks ago, he was saying, I'm going to have a nuclear arms deal with Putin before the election. We don't have episodes on that scale, but we also don't have something else. And I don't know if America is going to have it again. I'd be curious to know what you think. Trump established this new standard for giving his opponents names, Sleepy Joe Biden, Crooked Hillary, Little Marco, all of this kind of stuff. And we, you know, we just don't do that kind of thing here. And I don't know if America is going to do that kind of thing after Trump's gone, whether it's tomorrow or four years from now, or whether people are going to go, you know, that was kind of funny when he said those names about those people, but maybe there was a price that we paid.

What do you think about that? Has he raised a standard for that kind of weird attack on individuals and everybody else who wants to succeed is going to follow him like that or is that going to go away maybe? Well, I think he is um but that's the marketer in him right that's the like he knows um that if he's branding kim jong-un rocket man remember that brook and hillary sleepy joe and we're using them it works right if you you know you know nobody says arthur fanzarelli they said fonzi you know it's like you you it's a branding and he's branding and he repeats it and he repeats it repeats it

and repeats it because in this world most people watch something for 60 seconds and that's what they know from and they're going to say sleepy joe and it's like okay what do i know about that guy oh he must be old and tired and lazy crooked hillary she's crooked just something with emails what with email i don't know so like that is is that kind of a branding in today's world really works and he knows that and uh and that's that's the same kind of stuff he whether he's selling ties or whatever he knows that you know soundbites clips boom boom boom i don't think you'll see it again because you know it i mean the crooked hillary thing you know that it for a lot of people it gave him something to chant some people got it sleepy joe i don't know

i mean but is anybody anybody really voting for joe biden no people are voting anti-Trump. In some ways, he's running for and against himself. I don't think anybody's excited to vote for Joe. I'm going to put you on the spot here a little bit, Mark, before we close it out here. Tomorrow night, or Wednesday night, or Thursday night, or two months from now, at some point, there's going to be a decision made. There's going to be a declaration that who won and who lost. And when that happens, let's hope it's tomorrow night one way or the other.

But when that does happen, speeches have to be made. Somebody's going to come out and give a concession speech. Somebody's going to come out and give a victory speech. So I'll let you choose which one you want to give for Donald Trump. But give us the speech you think he'll give and what he'll say. Let's say it's tomorrow night. What's he going to say? Thank me! Thank me! Thank me.

Thank me very much. You've heard it from the lying fake news media. They're saying that Sleepy Joe won. Well, Sleepy Joe, he didn't win, did he? No. He didn't win. And you know it and I know it. A lot of good people are saying it didn't happen and he didn't win.

So what I need you to do is fight it, fight it really hard, get out there. I am going to stay. I'm not going because what I'm seeing is a lot of the people, a lot of the machines, a lot of the machines, a lot of the votes went missing. Boy, did they ever go missing because we know those people who work with the postal system, they love their blue benefits, don't they? They like their big fat pensions. Well, I've heard a lot of things about a lot of people, and we're

looking into them. The very best people are looking into them. Unbiased people like my daughter's husband, very people who are not related to me by blood are looking into it. And we're going to keep looking. And it's very lying and very crooked.

A lot of this stuff was on the laptop. We're going to find the laptop. And we're going to, I'm just right now, we're going to see who's with me and who is against me. And I am. And then there will be guys like moving in behind him with the sunglasses on. So we have to go. And I'm going. I'm going with these guys right now for just a little bit, just a little bit.

Then I'm going to come back. But I'm going to go to the market. And that will be it, I think. I think it's going to be something like that. I think there'll be a big, long delay. And there will be a lot of recounts and all that crap. And then I think he will disappear. I spoke to Anthony Scaramucci, the mooch.

And I interviewed him and I asked him, like, what did he think would happen? And I said, well, the plan is for the Secret Service, if he won't leave, they have to take him out because it can't be a military body that takes out a president. It has to be, you know, Secret Service. And there's a plan for that in case, apparently, that's there. But he said that he, having known him from the campaign and the 11 incredible days he was in the White House, that he thinks he's too much of a coward to try and stand up to people to stay there. And he's too afraid to actually fight. He thinks he'll just disappear. He'll put up a big thing.

There'll be a lot of bluster. And then he'll just disappear into the night like a bad memory. And the more I think about it, I wonder if that might be the case. But I think it will be a concession speech that vows to have a great next four years. It's the way I think it'll be.

Mark's been great having you on here. I mean, who knows what's going to happen tomorrow, but you've given us a number of ideas of what, what might happen. And, uh, you know, if it runs really, really late tomorrow and it's not over tomorrow, we can always run your version of the concession speech anyway. Oh, I'd be happy to do it. Yeah, no, and

for us comedians out there, hopefully we'll get four more years. I feel like an oil worker. It's kind of like, oh, Biden land fracking. This is bad for me. It's like, you know, I can't do a Biden.

Look at me. I can't do a Biden. He's in better shape than I am. He's eight. So we'll see what happens. We'll see what happens. That's Trump's, one of his favorite lines, right? Absolutely.

Yeah. Thanks, Mark. It's really been, it's been great. And we wish you continued luck in which, uh, whatever routine you're doing, we know you're going to be, you're going to keep people smiling and keep people thinking at the same

time. So it's great. Thanks for giving us a bunch of laughs today too. We can use it. Thank you. Thanks gentlemen. Much appreciated. © transcript Emily Beynon